Update: sad again, got 71% in my last experimental design Chem sac, 71% in the ACCESSeducation trial exam I did at school yesterday (are these hard or am I just dumb?) and to top it all off my SEAS application didn’t go though yay 🙃
Spoiler
The will to live is low right now. Maybe this is a sign from the universe this world is useless. It’s so annoying that no matter how hard I try I’m still an idiot. I don’t care about my study scores or getting 40s anymore but it still hurts to know I’ll never be good enough. What’s the point of having “good work ethic” if nothing comes of it. Honestly throwing myself into a bridge is an attractive option, I hate my life so much and it just never gets better, I just wanna be good at something and school is all I have
no friends lol, I’d take all the friends in the world considering how dumb I am. But nope lost out on both fronts
Also yes I know I’m posting a lot but in like a month I won’t be relevant anymore so I may as well enjoy it why it last- I’m sorry that’s annoying I’ll be gone soon enough
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Hi Elle,
I just stumbled upon your journal today and have only glanced at a page or two, but I have to say, it sounds like we may be from the same school?? (I'm sorry if that sounds creepy, I didn't know how else to say it) It's just cos we had our English/EL trial exams and Chem exam on the same days that you mentioned
but it could just be a coincidence I guess. I'm not going to claim I know what you're going through as a result of moving schools in yr 11, but I hope I can somewhat empathise with your struggles since I moved primary schools 3 times. It's hard. But trust me, there are people who care for you, even if they don't make themselves immediately obvious. You will find them
(seems like there are already many on AN
) Also, just to reiterate what so many have said already: you're definitely valued and worthy<3
Regarding Chem, I hope I can provide some reassurance with my anecdote
I did 3/4 Chem last year in yr 11 and I understand what you mean by putting in sm effort and reaping so little reward; my SAC scores didn't reflect the sheer amount of effort and tears that went into studying for them. I always lost silly marks on my SAC's, esp on my experimental design one which was at the start of the year. It was really hard to see my peers (other yr 11's doing Chem early) achieving such high SAC scores when I felt I had worked just as hard and was deserving of the same scores. Though things suddenly changed during the middle of the year, when I somehow started scoring in the nineties, that didn't last long. When we started exam prep, I remember I didn't do nearly as many exams as some of my classmates (1 other yr 11 did like 13 in the school holidays alone
whereas I think I only did like 14 in total
) I'm
not saying that doing more exams isn't gonna help/you can get by with minimal exam prep. Some of the commercial exams threw me off too and I was so doubtful about scoring well in Chem that I had already selected Chem again for yr 12. However, in the end, despite all the perceptions I had of myself, I scored a 45 in Chem
So just remember that anything is possible!
EDIT: soz IDK how to fix the quote coz I'm still pretty new to formatting on AN