Warning: this information was smuggled out of the underground VCAA headquarters at great personal cost. But I'm sure these limbs will grow back any day now...
Want to succeed in VCE English? Now you can with this simple process:
6 Habits of Highly Sarcastic People
Step 1: Obsess over your marks like there's no tomorrow.That Guinness ad campaign from the 90's had it all wrong; good things don't come to those who wait, they come to those who do absolutely nothing other than hope. In the words of Jiminy Cricket from the factual Disney documentary 'Pinocchio,' anything is possible if you just believe. Why even bother studying when you'll have the power of faith, trust, and pixie dust on your side. It's not like studying can actually
change your mark - I mean you have 8 months of Year 12 but that's really just a technicality - you might as well do the exams tomorrow since they're just testing natural, god-given ability, nothing more.
Step 2: Freak out as many people as possible.You know what people never tire of? Hearing about your problems!
I wonder why your friends aren't as paranoid and irrationally anxious as you are... perhaps you should criticise their weaknesses and make them incredibly insecure about their potential. Yeah! That'll show 'em. Now they can be happy and well-adjusted just like you are!
Call your friends up at 2 in the morning to share your totally rational concerns. Do know someone who's worried about their scores even though they're higher than yours? Give 'em shit about their insensitivity. I mean - how dare they complain when
you're so much worse off!? Don't they know
your VCE is so much more important than theirs?
Step 3: Trust no oneVCE is a competition, everybody knows this, but only the weak refuse to admit it.
Everyone is the enemy, and the smarter everyone else is, the less chance you have at success.
Probably.
...yeah, that's how the system works, right?
Yeah! So hide your notes in your backyard military bunker 'cause you never know when a friend might come around and get a glimpse of your precious, precious knowledge. Also, try bringing back the 'elbow-over-the-page-while-writing-and-giving-suspicious-glares-to-everyone-in-your-immediate-vicinity' approach à la Grade Two spelling tests.
What? No, it's not petty at all. Cheaters never prosper, and all your doing is making sure no one in your year level gets a chance to share and build on your knowledge.
In fact, you never know how low your competitors will stoop... rumour has it some people even try to cheat by watching your eyes and copying your hand movements in SACs and exams.
Consider investing in one of these. For security purposes.
Step 4: Compromise EVERYTHING.Co-curricular activities don't get you a 99+ ATAR. Spending time with family won't get you a 99+ ATAR. Being considerate towards others' struggles and concerns won't get you a 99+ ATAR.
Everything you do in Year 12 should be geared towards getting a 99+ ATAR.
Why aren't you studying constantly?? Unless you are continually reading notes and doing practice papers, how on earth do you expect to understand the information? Churn, baby, churn!
Really, who needs showers anyway? Not you, you megastar. Cleanliness is for the weak and feeble-minded <98-ers, and you're not like that. No. You will drop everything. You will leave no stone unturned. You will plaster every wall in your goddamn house with notes in a way that is nothing like what a serial killer would do with newspaper articles about their victims. You are a master of zen. Peasants the world over will bow in the light of your majesty when you emerge triumphant with the ATAR you've been dreaming about since the womb.
#I'm lookin' at you,
Class of 2031Step 5: Ignore all advice from teachers, parents, and peers.What do they know anyway? You're
way more qualified to judge your own experiences objectively. In fact, you should share your opinion with as many people as possible. Go ahead, they won't think you're annoying.
Never shut up about how screwed you are for that SAC. Maybe, just maybe, if you complain often enough someone will finally reveal the ultimate secret about how to score well. There must be a secret right? How else would all those people who are dumber than you score well? Hard work and diligence? Nonsense.
All those people telling you to take a break or see things from a different point of view are just trying to bring you down. Don't let them mess with your watertight study regime and plans for success. Don't let them get inside your head. Wear a tin foil hat.
Blink rapidly and frequently to stun your enemies.
Step 6: Screw your health, this is VCE we're talking about.IT'S ONLY THE MOST IMPORTANT YEAR OF YOUR LIFE EVA!
DRINK CAFFEINE. DRINK NOTHING BUT CAFFEINE. POUR RED BULL INTO YOUR COFFEE FOR ON THOSE EXTRA HECTIC DAYS. STRAIGHT COFFEE POWDER SHOTS TO THE EYE WILL ALSO SUFFICE IN A PINCH. WATER NEVER DID NOTHING FOR NOBODY. ALSO DON'T EAT. YOU DON'T NEED FOOD, YOU'RE OPERATING ON CAFFEINE FUMES NOW, BUDDY. FOOD IS JUST A DISTRACTION PLANTED BY THE GOVERNMENT. WHILE WE'RE AT IT, YOU CAN GAIN AN EXTRA 8 HOURS OF STUDY TIME BY CUTTING SLEEP FROM YOUR SCHEDULE ENTIRELY. DON'T WORRY, IT'S A TOTALLY SUSTAINABLE APPROACH. WHO NEEDS REST AND REJUVINATION WHEN YOU CAN PROP YOUR EYES OPEN WITH TOOTHPICKS AMIRIGHT!?
On an unrelated note, Happy April 1st everybody. Stay awesome. I'm going to go de-sass myself.
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