GAT writing piece

[Just another student]

Can someone please mark this writing piece:
2017 GAT - Task 2

These are the prompts:

Most communication these days is just
meaningless noise.
We are lucky to live in a world where there
are many tools to help us communicate with
one another.
The ability to communicate meaningfully is
what separates humans from other animals.
The way we communicate determines the
quality of our lives

My response:

Have you ever realised that we as humans have come from primitive beings living like any other animals, to becoming the most advanced and intelligent beings on earth? We have come so far, not only technologically but also culturally. But the question I ask to you is how have we come so far?
Hello everyone, and welcome to the University of Colorado world presentation. I’m Thomas Frank, a leading professor in psychology and today I’ll be speaking to you about the importance of communication.
I referred to humans as being just like any other animals just before, I strongly believe that the ability for humans to communicate is what sets us apart from animals. Effective communication has allowed us to cooperate and achieve some great things, think of the architecture, technology, arts and science that we have discovered and created, we owe this to our ability to communicate. Whilst many animals can communicate, humans are capable of much more complex communication, for example it is not only the sound that comes out of our mouth but also the body gesture we use while speaking, which sets us apart from animals.
Our ability to communicate has led to us creating advanced technology which further help us to communicate, in particular, mobile phones. I strongly believe that we are extremely fortunate to live in a time where we can communicate through mobile phones. There is no limit to the uses from emergence messages, and overseas messages to using phones for business calls and messages, mobile phones have really helped us communicate and connect with people all over the world. We no longer have to travel to another part of the world to communicate with someone when we can just call or message them.
However we must not forget that communication, in particular should be meaningful. Mobile phones should be used for productive purposes to enhance our lifestyles. It is too common to see people in the 21st century with their eyes glued to their phones all day, in some cases mobile phones are negatively impacting out lifestyles. For example, chronic neck and back pain are move prevalent than ever primarily due to over use of mobile phones. Furthermore, depression is impacting many young teens today due to cyber bullying. Exploiting the use of digital technology for communication for pointless purposes is a violation to all the hard work that went into creating digital technology that was intended to help us communicate for collaborative purposes.
I really hope that each and every one takes something away from this presentation, remember that as humans we are very lucky to have the ability to communicate so we should use this to work together and achieve greater things.
Thank you for listening.

Thanks in advance, any help really appreciated.

[leonm19]

Can someone please mark this writing piece:
2017 GAT - Task 2

These are the prompts:

Most communication these days is just
meaningless noise.
We are lucky to live in a world where there
are many tools to help us communicate with
one another.
The ability to communicate meaningfully is
what separates humans from other animals.
The way we communicate determines the
quality of our lives

My response:

Have you ever realised that we as humans have come from primitive beings living like any other animals, to becoming the most advanced and intelligent beings on earth? We have come so far, not only technologically but also culturally. But the question I ask to you is how have we come so far?
Hello everyone, and welcome to the University of Colorado world presentation. I’m Thomas Frank, a leading professor in psychology and today I’ll be speaking to you about the importance of communication.
I referred to humans as being just like any other animals just before, I strongly believe that the ability for humans to communicate is what sets us apart from animals. Effective communication has allowed us to cooperate and achieve some great things, think of the architecture, technology, arts and science that we have discovered and created, we owe this to our ability to communicate. Whilst many animals can communicate, humans are capable of much more complex communication, for example it is not only the sound that comes out of our mouth but also the body gesture we use while speaking, which sets us apart from animals.
Our ability to communicate has led to us creating advanced technology which further help us to communicate, in particular, mobile phones. I strongly believe that we are extremely fortunate to live in a time where we can communicate through mobile phones. There is no limit to the uses from emergence messages, and overseas messages to using phones for business calls and messages, mobile phones have really helped us communicate and connect with people all over the world. We no longer have to travel to another part of the world to communicate with someone when we can just call or message them.
However we must not forget that communication, in particular should be meaningful. Mobile phones should be used for productive purposes to enhance our lifestyles. It is too common to see people in the 21st century with their eyes glued to their phones all day, in some cases mobile phones are negatively impacting out lifestyles. For example, chronic neck and back pain are move prevalent than ever primarily due to over use of mobile phones. Furthermore, depression is impacting many young teens today due to cyber bullying. Exploiting the use of digital technology for communication for pointless purposes is a violation to all the hard work that went into creating digital technology that was intended to help us communicate for collaborative purposes.
I really hope that each and every one takes something away from this presentation, remember that as humans we are very lucky to have the ability to communicate so we should use this to work together and achieve greater things.
Thank you for listening.

Thanks in advance, any help really appreciated.

I think your writing piece is great!! You seem to be using the prompts well and you're structure and wording is all fine. My only advice would be that sometimes your contention(s) are a bit unclear, so for each paragraph I recommend you write a sentence that sums up your idea for that paragraph. Remember that this is a persuasive piece, so try to use as many persuasive devices as you can, and for your paragraphs always think about what you're trying to convince the audience to believe. I hope this helps and good luck for the GAT!!!

[Just another student]

thank you so much