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Author Topic: Free AOS essay Marking!  (Read 180300 times)

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elysepopplewell

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #15 on: March 04, 2016, 02:16:09 pm »
Hi!! thanks so much for this!! just so you know I haven't written a conclusion because i usually just write that on the day depending on the question (is this a good idea...?). I've also tried to make it quite general without including key terms obviously, so it will probably be a bit longer than this when I write it on the day. I don't think I have any particular concerns for my essay, just maybe if it makes sense at all?
thank you so much!!!

Hey! Welcome to the threads!! I'm glad to see you using the service.

Here is your original essay:
Spoiler
Personal discoveries can change one’s perception of themselves, and their place in society. In The Awakening, Edna’s discovery of her autonomous existence brings with it the discovery that it is in fact, impossible. The contextual society will not allow her to be independent, rendering her initial emotional discovery useless and ultimately, destructive. Additionally, the film Persepolis (2007) directed by Vincent Paronnaud and Marjane Satrapi, follows a young girl, Marjane, growing up during the Islamic Revolution, as she discovers her identity and sense of self, before discovering that this identity does not conform to the social expectations of post-revolutionist Iran.
   Discoveries can result in a change of perspective of one’s identity, and result in the realisation of a more independent, autonomous self. The title of the novel, The Awakening emphasises that Edna was blind, but is now fully awake, fully aware of herself and society. Although this discovery is only a change in opinion of herself, and therefore cannot be true nor false, the title reveals that it is correct. Similarly, the line “I wouldn’t give myself” symbolises the moment when she gains a sense of agency. She has newly discovered an autonomous sense of self and she will not surrender it for any patriarchal demands. Likewise, towards the beginning of Edna’s discovery, “a certain light was beginning to dawn dimly within her”. The subject of the sentence is the light, rather than Edna herself. The fact that the light is “within her” symbolises the internal, emotional nature of her discovery. Her discovery is revealing her inner autonomous self, and changing her perception of her identity. Furthermore, the listing and gentle rhythm of adverbs and past participles in “idly, aimlessly, unthinking and unguided” emphasises that Edna is experiencing a vast freedom of choice, roaming through limitless possibilities. She has decided to be autonomous and reject social conventions.
   Whilst it is possible to discover a previously hidden identity, that identity may not always be synonymous with the social ideas of the context. The Awakening was written at the end of the 19th century, when women were expected to be submissive and maintain the role of the perfect domestic wife. Fin de sičcle literature presented women with more choices, prompting general re-evaluation of women's role in society. Edna’s ultimate discovery of the inevitability of her inability to achieve freedom due to societal constraints, brings about her death. The “caged bird” towards the beginning of the novel introduces the bird motif, and foreshadows the restrictions society will place on Edna’s freedom. She is liberated by her sexual, social and spiritual awakening, but also discovers the impossibility of achieving this awakened life. Likewise, the “language which nobody understood, unless it was the mockingbird” uses the motif of birds to continue to emphasise Edna’s cry for freedom. Edna becomes isolated because her way of thinking is not congruous with society’s. At the end of the novel, the line “she stood naked in the open air" before her suicide, displays an ironic duality, in that it exposes her, but gives her freedom. She was protected by society, but she saw the potential of liberation and was destroyed. This represents her recognition of the fact that her newly discovered identity cannot exist in this society.
The film Persepolis further enforces the idea that the discovery of one’s identity may not always be possible for those living in restrictive societies. The film demonstrates the challenges faced in an attempt to discover an identity whilst having to conform with a tyrannical society. Towards the beginning of the film, Marjane is given a swan made of bread by her uncle, whom she greatly respects. The swan is a symbol for freedom, for her need to discover and express herself freely. The swan provides an insight into Marjiane’s main ideals, and gives her hope for freedom in the future. Similar to Edna, as Marjane begins to discover her identity, she experiences struggles and difficulties in fitting in with society, demonstrated through the motif of music. Marjane has to buy her tapes on the black market as they are forbidden in her society. The tapes symbolise the struggles involved in coming of age and discovering herself. Finally, Marjane begins to discover that her identity is not congruous with society’s idea of women. She wants “to be an educated, liberated woman. And if the pursuit of knowledge meant getting cancer, so be it”. This is a reference to Marie Curie, who died of radiation poisoning due to her research on radioactivity. Marjane is recognising that her newly discovered freedom comes at a price.
As Marjane discovers her role in society as a woman and as a person, she also discovers that how she sees herself is not synonymous with society's perception of women. The recurring motif of the veil that Marjane has to wear in Iran is symbolic of society’s oppression of women, supported by the ironic statement taught in schools, that “the veil is synonymous with freedom”. This idea is further demonstrated by the colours of the movie. When Marjane is wearing the veil, the movie is in black and white, however, when she removes it, the film is in colour. For Marjane, the veil symbolises the idea that, due to being a woman, she is less than a person. Following this discovery, she is prescribed medication for depression. Much like in The Awakening, society believes that anything that challenges the social norms is an illness that must be cured. Finally, the powerful conclusion to the film, where Marjane is asked where she is from, and she replies “Iran” demonstrates the final outcome of Marjane’s discovery. Whilst she is fully Iranian, and the country is inextricably linked to her newly discovered personality, she has also discovered and accepted that she cannot exist there. Both Edna and Marjane discover that their identities are not synonymous with society’s paradigms, but whilst this destroy Edna, Marjane survives and continues to discover her autonomous self, but in a different context.

Here is your essay with my editing in bold:
Spoiler
Personal discoveries can(Rather than CAN, I would say, "has the ability" or "may" or "may have the capacity to" These read better in a conceptual/low modality way. change one’s perception of themselves,No need for a comma here :) and their place in society. (I'm assuming that in an exam situation, you would address the question here? Your original thesis works well with this structure)In The Awakening, (I need to know who Edna is. The protagonist? "In The Awakening, the protagonist, Edna, makes a discovery of her autonomous...")Edna’s discovery of her autonomous existence brings with it the discovery that it is in fact, impossible. (I think you might need to play with the syntax here. If the autonomous existence is impossible, how did she discover it? Is it an imagined discovery? A mental discovery? And then the discovery that it is impossible was physical?)The contextual society(Contextual society doesn't really make sense. Perhaps, the context of the society?) will not allow her to be independent, rendering her initial emotional discovery useless and ultimately, destructive. Additionally, the film Persepolis (2007) directed by Vincent Paronnaud and Marjane Satrapi, follows a young girl, Marjane, growing up during the Islamic Revolution, as she discovers her identity and sense of self, before discovering that this identity does not conform to the social expectations of post-revolutionist Iran. hat I've gained from this so far, is that the discoveries can be like double ended swords. They discover something they like, but then confront a new challenging discovery. This is a strong thesis in my eyes. I would probably mention this in a thesis kind of way at the beginning of the paragraph. As a picky rule of thumb, you should end the paragraphs in AOS completely removed from texts. This includes the introduction! The purpose of this is to make sure that you are tying everything into discovery and not the texts. However, in saying this, it is four thousand times more important to talk about discovery at the start of a paragraph than it is to talk about them at the end. So, if you find that bringing back discovery at the end of a paragraph doesn't suit you, that's fine! I mention it here because you just have one sentence that kind of hangs on the end introducing your new text. You want to integrate it, not hang it :)
   Discoveries can result in a change of perspective of one’s identity, and result in the realisation of a more independent, autonomous self. (This thesis is AWESOME!)The title of the novel, The Awakening emphasises that Edna was blind, but is now fully awake, fully aware of herself and society. To add a technique here: try connotations. The connotations of awakening suit this purpose). Although this discovery is only a change in opinion of herself, and therefore cannot be true nor false, the title reveals that it is correct. Similarly, the line “I wouldn’t give myself” symbolises the moment when she gains a sense of agency. She has newly discovered an autonomous sense of self and she will not surrender it for any patriarchal demands. Likewise, towards the beginning of Edna’s discovery, “a certain light was beginning to dawn dimly within her”. The subject of the sentence is the light, rather than Edna herself. The fact that the light is “within her” symbolises the internal, emotional nature of her discovery. Her discovery is revealing her inner autonomous self, and changing her perception of her identity. Furthermore, the listing and gentle rhythm of adverbs and past participles in “idly, aimlessly, unthinking and unguided” emphasises that Edna is experiencing a vast freedom of choice, roaming through limitless possibilities. She has decided to be autonomous and reject social conventions. You've mentioned discovery consistently - great job! The next step would be tying it back to the essay question (which you obviously don't have yet) at the end of the paragraph.
   Whilst it is possible to discover a previously hidden identity, that identity may not always be synonymous with the social ideas of the context. (I think we can improve the word choice here. I suggest this: "...that identity may not be harmonious with the context's social ideas.")The Awakening was written at the end of the 19th century, when women were expected to be submissive and maintain the role of the perfect domestic wife.(You need to say that this was the case in which geographical location? Because although this may have been the case in one place, it was not the case in South Africa or China, to name two places. Also, this is three sentences in a row with no textual referencing. If you can cut out the less important parts of each and slice these together in a maximum of two sentences, your essay will be strengthened. This isn't a contextual essay, this is a conceptual essay. I'm super interested by what you have to say, but that's because I'm interested in women in literature. Your marker won't necessarily be. They are there to look at how you deal with discovery and the text to support that. Fin de sičcle literature presented women with more choices, prompting general re-evaluation of women's role in society. Edna’s ultimate discovery of the inevitability of her inability to achieve freedom due to societal constraints, brings about her death. The “caged bird” towards the beginning of the novel introduces the bird motif, and foreshadows the restrictions society will place on Edna’s freedom. She is liberated by her sexual, social and spiritual awakening, but also discovers the impossibility of achieving this awakened life. Likewise, the “language which nobody understood, unless it was the mockingbird” uses the motif of birds to continue to emphasise Edna’s cry for freedom. Edna becomes isolated because her way of thinking is not congruous with society’s. At the end of the novel, the line(Avoid saying "the line" or "the quote") “she stood naked in the open air" before her suicide, displays an ironic duality, in that it exposes her, but gives her freedom. She was protected by society, but she saw the potential of liberation and was destroyed. This represents her recognition of the fact that her newly discovered identity cannot exist in this society. You have very good vocabulary. It isn't too showy or too shy, it is very impressive! I think you need to work on quote, technique, explain, bring it back to your thesis. Sometimes you get stuck in retell a bit instead of showing the impressive facts that would elevate your work!

The film Persepolis further enforces the idea that the discovery of one’s identity may not always be possible for those living in restrictive societies. (This might read better: "The film Persepolis is also a testament to the notion that the discovery of one's identity may not be fostered in restrictive societies.)The film demonstrates the challenges faced in an attempt to discover an identity whilst having to conform with a tyrannical society. Towards the beginning of the film, Marjane is given a swan made of bread by her uncle, whom she greatly respects. The swan is a symbol for freedom, for her need to discover and express herself freely. The swan provides an insight into Marjiane’s main ideals, and gives her hope for freedom in the future. Similar to Edna, as Marjane begins to discover her identity, she experiences struggles and difficulties in fitting in with society, demonstrated through the motif of music. Marjane has to buy her tapes on the black market as they are forbidden in her society. The tapes symbolise the struggles involved in coming of age and discovering herself. Finally, Marjane begins to discover that her identity is not congruous with society’s idea of women. She wants “to be an educated, liberated woman. And if the pursuit of knowledge meant getting cancer, so be it”. This is a reference to Marie Curie, who died of radiation poisoning due to her research on radioactivity. Marjane is recognising that her newly discovered freedom comes at a price.
As Marjane discovers her role in society as a woman and as a person, she also discovers that how she sees herself is not synonymous(Synonymous might not be the best word to use here. Harmonious works better) with society's perception of women. The recurring motif of the veil that Marjane has to wear in Iran is symbolic of society’s oppression of women, supported by the ironic statement taught in schools, that “the veil is synonymous with freedom”. This idea is further demonstrated by the colours of the movie. When Marjane is wearing the veil, the movie is in black and white, however, when she removes it, the film is in colour. For Marjane, the veil symbolises the idea that, due to being a woman, she is less than a person. Following this discovery, she is prescribed medication for depression. Much like in The Awakening, society believes that anything that challenges the social norms is an illness that must be cured.(This is a good textual connection) Finally, the powerful conclusion to the film, where Marjane is asked where she is from, and she replies “Iran” demonstrates the final outcome of Marjane’s discovery. Whilst she is fully Iranian, and the country is inextricably linked to her newly discovered personality, she has also discovered and accepted that she cannot exist there. Both Edna and Marjane discover that their identities are not synonymous with society’s paradigms, but whilst this destroy Edna, Marjane survives and continues to discover her autonomous self, but in a different context.

What you do well:
There is some great use of language here. However, there are spots to elevate the work. You've used synonymous when it doesn't fit the same way as harmonious would. You've also drawn some wonderful connections between the texts. Your thesis statements link the two texts well. In fact, I think you've chosen a really good ORT!

What to work on:
The sentences lack the power that they can have. It is a matter of going through your work and highlighting (in different colours) the quotes, the techniques, the analysis, the thesis. Then what is left uncoloured will be the bits that need stronger economy of words and a greater purpose in the essay.

If any of this doesn't make sense let me know. If I haven't been clear I will rephrase what I've said :)

Happy studies!
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brontem

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #16 on: March 05, 2016, 12:55:24 am »
Hey :) thanks for offering help here, I've attached my essay below :) I just want to know if I'm making sense and saying things properly - its usually how i execute my thoughts which brings me down. We weren't given a specific question - just told to model of last years HSC (loosely) - so its a pretty generic essay (no conclusion either - I make that up on the spot). I appreciate the help!
« Last Edit: April 13, 2016, 05:41:58 pm by brontem »

elysepopplewell

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #17 on: March 06, 2016, 03:30:46 pm »
Hey
I wanted to know whether or not this is a good essay . Can you please give me YOUR PERCEPTION on what, out of 15 this essay is worth. :) :) :) Can I please get the feedback before Monday, if not I entirely understand. :) :) :)

Hey! Just in time for Monday :)

Here is your original, unedited essay:
Spoiler
The process of discovery can vary with historical or cultural context shaped through society’s eccentric perception; however it is nevertheless educed through one’s idiosyncratic wonder and necessity of wider circumstances.  Anglo-American author; Bill Bryson’s scientific memoir ;A Short History of Nearly Everything ASHONE and Malala Yousafzai’s outspoken autobiography I Am Malala IAM, accessibly divulges  in the provocative and confronting effects of discovery, both of which can affirm and challenge individual or more widely held beliefs about aspects of human experience through world innovations.  Such innovations are disinterred through culture, modernism and the renewed context of society.

Cultural and historical context hold the potential to restrain discoveries triggered through wonder which can catalyse vast ideological changes and yield enriching future possibilities. Red in tooth and claw accentuates the power of social conditions in both supressing and stimulating discoveries. The findings of ‘old world creatures’ had sparked a ‘religious controversy’. Palaeontologist; George Cuvier’s formal theory of extinctions had raised uncomfortable implications, ‘contrary to the Great Chain of Being’. Evidence, such as the study of Rock strata, heightened the moral awkward concerning extinctions’ and so the ‘chance for Americans to claim the discovery of dinosaurs was wasted’. Bryson’s incongruous use of idiomatic language towards America, now contemporarily known as one of the ‘most advanced nations on the planet’ gives the narrative an accessible tone and positions the reader above contempory experts. The application proffers humour and invites the reader to wonder at the nature of the discovery of the first dinosaurs. The absurdist play of juxtaposition between science and religion suggests within the reader, whether significant discovery is a means defying pre-determined conventions or rather one ability to risk what is known and grow in nature. Sydney lecturer; Alison Cardinale believes that one of Bryson’s purpose is to challenge the notion of ‘deeming new world too provocative’, and in turn posit confronting ideological discoveries. Thus cultural context acts as the lens through which the fruitions of individual’s curiosity and wonder is accepted, rejected or reconsidered.

In contrast to Bryson, Yousafzai explores a more overt direction of discovery, such as recognition of the beneficial implementation, of western commercialism; equality of education on traditional values of Pakistan. IAM publically focalises the essential role, purpose and functional power of education, intellectually, to women around Pakistan, highlighting the confronting necessity for the ‘threatening application of propitious western principles’. The paradoxical values represented through hyperbole deem traditional society’s provocative recognition of ‘western revelations’ as ‘inauspicious and threatening’. Aiming to portray that intellectual discovery encompasses the collective contribution of society; Yousafzai emotively represents the contributions of her father; Ziauddin and his politics as a way of effectuating power to benefit the ‘hierarchical position of women within Swat’. Ziauddin accumulation of diplomatic power is in response to fight for a progressing society, one which caters beneficial modern directions that tradition has overlooked. Ultimately the purpose of his ambitions is make public, the discovery of the importance of education in shaping one status and personal value. He does this by metaphorically representing educations as a cherishment, bringing to life that educational concepts are a right to everyone, providing as an auxiliary to the purpose of IAM.  “Education is education, it is neither western nor eastern, it is human”. Through the semantic study of emotive language and contempory sense of tone, Yousafzai foreshadows the effects and necessity of discovery, enhancing ones perception to speculate on future possibilities and revelations that education can deter. Therefore Yousafzai represent the process of intellectual discovery of the necessity of foreign commercial culture, such as education, as a collective social contribution, challenging pre-determined cultural context.
The growth of human perception in relation to discovery of societies social and behavioural values, posits discovery as an ongoing aspect of world innovations. One such juxtaposed perspective is that of the Australian society, such as the endeavours of key modern Australian discoverer; Robert Evans in contrast to the 1936 thylacine extinction. In particular, Bryson’s recount of astronomer; Robert Evan, is a simple example of an individual proactively undertaking ‘the simplest act of physical discovery’. ‘I [Evan] like the old ways… I won’t give that up for new technology… I’m quite yet cheerful man”. Through the application of semantic and semiotic study of positive retrospective connotations and coloured language, Bryson enlightens, that for Evan, the physical act parallels the emotional and physiological joy of discovery. The juxtaposed portrayal of Evan as an ‘amateur supernovae finder with an international reputation’, substantiates one of the central themes within ASHONE’s context; that discoverers range from ‘brilliant scientist to keen amateurs to local peasants, ‘and it is rather dependant on one’s ‘wonder to make connections’ within society. Also Bryson’s application of modern opinions and dialogue from his interview with Evan, helps readers to what he believes ‘marvel at, enjoy even- the wonder and accomplishments of science at a level that isn’t too technical or demanding’. Conversely, Bryson parodies the Australian 1936 social context and values as proffered through plosive language in the exclamatory sentence ‘last surviving thylacine was thrown out with the weekly trash’. The farcical representation develops pathos within the readers evinces Bryson’s preconceived concept; ‘humans are inherently bad news for other living things’. Therefore, our idiosyncratic wonder and curiosity of social culture progresses the development of society attitudes and values.

Thus, the value of discovery is determined by the congruence of the discovery with accepted knowledge, but also the preconception of social culture, which over time fluctuates due to historical context. Such value is brought into fruition in response to our idiosyncratic wonder, curiosity and necessity of the world. Discoveries can henceforth be due to cultural confliction, collective passion or progression of society, to which both ASHONE and IAM are a testament to.


Here is your essay, with my comments made in bold :)
Spoiler
The process of discovery can vary with historical or cultural context shaped through society’s eccentric perception; however it is nevertheless educed through one’s idiosyncratic wonder and necessity of wider circumstances. This is a big wordy sentence. After reading it twice, I think I know what you are saying now. I don't know that eccentric is the best word to use. Eccentric means unconventional or strange. Seeing as what is "conventional" is usually dictated by what society adapts on the large scale, I don't know how society could own an eccentric perception? Furthermore, I think idiosyncratic could be well substituted for unique. You want to show impressive language, but you can't let it detract from your clarity of expression in relation to discovery. Perhaps try exchanging these words and then cutting the sentence into two. Anglo-American author; Bill Bryson’s scientific memoir ;A Short History of Nearly Everything ASHONE and Malala Yousafzai’s outspoken autobiography I Am Malala IAM, accessibly divulges  in the provocative and confronting effects of discovery, both of which can affirm and challenge individual or more widely held beliefs about aspects of human experience through world innovations.  Such innovations are disinterred through culture, modernism and the renewed context of society. Because your introduction is only three sentences long at this stage, I would split your first sentence into two, and introduce your texts in different sentences too. This will improve the flow and improve the clarity of the discovery understanding.

Cultural and historical contexts hold/have the potential to restrain/suppress (suits your purpose more, in my opinion.) discoveries triggered through wonder which can catalyse vast ideological changes and yield enriching future possibilities. Again, this is a very long sentence. I really, really love the ideas you are expressing here. However, I will full stop after "discoveries." Also, teachers, markers, writers all have different opinions on "catalyse." It is an awkward word. But, seeing as you may be splitting your sentence and having to adjust syntax, you can replace it with triggers. Red in tooth and claw accentuates the power of social conditions in both supressing and stimulating discoveries. (I can't work out what Red in tooth and claw is?)The findings of ‘old world creatures’ had sparked a ‘religious controversy’. Palaeontologist; George Cuvier’s formal theory of extinctions had raised uncomfortable implications, ‘contrary to the Great Chain of Being’. (By now, you should have acknowledged which text you are discussing. I can assume of course, but it needs to be explicitly referenced. Right now, your topic sentence stands alone and very lonely because there is no link between the text and the discovery concept. The text should be used as a testament to the concept. Right now, the two sit completely unlinked)Evidence, such as the study of Rock strata, heightened the moral awkward concerning extinctions’ and so the ‘chance for Americans to claim the discovery of dinosaurs was wasted’. Bryson’s incongruous use of idiomatic language towards America, now contemporarily known as one of the ‘most advanced nations on the planet’ gives the narrative an accessible tone and positions the reader above contempory experts. The application proffers humour and invites the reader to wonder at the nature of the discovery of the first dinosaurs. The absurdist play of juxtaposition(good analysis of text and link to discovery right here) between science and religion suggests within the reader, whether significant discovery is a means defying pre-determined conventions or rather one ability to risk what is known and grow in nature. Sydney lecturer; Alison Cardinale believes that one of Bryson’s purpose is to challenge the notion of ‘deeming new world too provocative’, and in turn posit confronting ideological discoveries. Thus cultural context acts as the lens through which the fruitions of individual’s curiosity and wonder is accepted, rejected or reconsidered. Until this end bit, I was waiting for you to bring it back to society being oppressive of the discoveries. If you want to set it up like: here are the discoveries, here is the oppression, you can! Totally. But it needs to be clearer earlier on that your plan is exactly that. Otherwise, you want to make consistent links between society's suppression and discoveries.

I really like what you say in this next paragraph. But, I am left wishing that you eased me into it with a sentence prior, completely removed from the text, and totally conceptual. If you could provide another slightly altered discovery concept to one you have already said, that applies to this paragraph/text, that could really improve the flow)In contrast to Bryson, Yousafzai explores a more overt direction of discovery, such as recognition of the beneficial implementation, of western commercialism; equality of education on traditional values of Pakistan. IAM publically focalises the essential role, purpose and functional power of education, intellectually, to women around Pakistan, highlighting the confronting necessity for the ‘threatening application of propitious western principles’. The paradoxical values represented through hyperbole deem traditional society’s provocative recognition of ‘western revelations’ as ‘inauspicious and threatening’. Aiming to portray that intellectual discovery(Yass! This is a really untouched part of the rubric: intellectual discovery) encompasses the collective contribution of society; Yousafzai emotively represents the contributions of her father; Ziauddin and his politics as a way of effectuating power to benefit the ‘hierarchical position of women within Swat’. Ziauddin accumulation of diplomatic power is in response to fight for a progressing society, one which caters beneficial modern directions that tradition has overlooked. Ultimately the purpose of his ambitions is make public, the discovery of the importance of education in shaping one status and personal value. He does this by metaphorically representing educations as a cherishment, bringing to life that educational concepts are a right to everyone, providing as an auxiliary to the purpose of IAM.  “Education is education, it is neither western nor eastern, it is human”. Through the semantic study of emotive language and contempory sense of tone, Yousafzai foreshadows the effects and necessity of discovery, enhancing ones perception to speculate on future possibilities and revelations that education can deter. Therefore Yousafzai represent the process of intellectual discovery of the necessity of foreign commercial culture, such as education, as a collective social contribution, challenging pre-determined cultural context. This paragraph has a lot of clarity.
The growth of human perception in relation to discovery of societies social and behavioural values, posits discovery as an ongoing aspect of world innovations. Again, we need to introduce the text formally again.One such juxtaposed perspective is that of the Australian society, such as the endeavours of key modern Australian discoverer; Robert Evans in contrast to the 1936 thylacine extinction. In particular, Bryson’s recount of astronomer; Robert Evan, is a simple example of an individual proactively undertaking ‘the simplest act of physical discovery’. ‘I [Evan] like the old ways… I won’t give that up for new technology… I’m quite yet cheerful man”. Through the application of semantic and semiotic study of positive retrospective connotations and coloured language, Bryson enlightens, that for Evan, the physical act parallels the emotional and physiological joy of discovery. The juxtaposed portrayal of Evan as an ‘amateur supernovae finder with an international reputation’, substantiates one of the central themes within ASHONE’s context; that discoverers range from ‘brilliant scientist to keen amateurs to local peasants, ‘and it is rather dependant on one’s ‘wonder to make connections’ within society. Also Bryson’s application of modern opinions and dialogue from his interview with Evan, helps readers to what he believes ‘marvel at, enjoy even- the wonder and accomplishments of science at a level that isn’t too technical or demanding’. Conversely, Bryson parodies the Australian 1936 social context and values as proffered through plosive language in the exclamatory sentence ‘last surviving thylacine was thrown out with the weekly trash’. The farcical representation develops pathos within the readers evinces Bryson’s preconceived concept; ‘humans are inherently bad news for other living things’. Therefore, our idiosyncratic wonder and curiosity of social culture progresses the development of society's attitudes and values.

Thus, the value of discovery is determined by the congruence of the discovery with accepted knowledge, but also the preconception of social culture, which over time fluctuates due to historical context. You may disagree and that's totally cool, but I think that this sentence would read better like this: Thus, the value of discovery is determined by the congruence of the discovery with accepted knowledge, which alters in society through the course of time.Such value is brought into fruition in response to our idiosyncratic wonder, curiosity and necessity of the world. Discoveries can henceforth be due to cultural confliction, collective passion or progression of society, to which both ASHONE and IAM are a testament to. I always use the texts as a "testament" to the concepts in my conclusion - so big ticks from me here! This conclusion is so good because you don't let it be dictated by the texts. This leave s a really good taste in the markers mouth about your understanding of discovery!


Don't be afraid to post back after your assessment and when you take on your teacher's advice as well. You have a lot of EXCELLENT ideas in here, but you need to work on the clarity of expression. Remember to clarify which text you are referring to. Your marker will know, but don't make them work for it in this essay. Your thesis statement works really well for both your prescribed text and your ORT! Very good picking :)

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elysepopplewell

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #18 on: March 06, 2016, 03:33:24 pm »
Can you please give me YOUR PERCEPTION on what, out of 15 this essay is worth. :)

Oops! Forgot this part. Your sitting on the fence at the front of the band 5 yard I think. Once the clarity is improved, your marks will be elevated but it will also be easier to categorise because your ideas will be enhanced!
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elysepopplewell

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #19 on: March 06, 2016, 04:34:36 pm »
Hey :) thanks for offering help here, I've attached my essay below :) I just want to know if I'm making sense and saying things properly - its usually how i execute my thoughts which brings me down. We weren't given a specific question - just told to model of last years HSC (loosely) - so its a pretty generic essay (no conclusion either - I make that up on the spot). I appreciate the help!

Hey! Okay I hear you, and I'm ready to help :)

Here is your original essay:
Spoiler
Through the journey of an individual who willingly defies societal boundaries Kate Chopin’s The Awakening represents the fulfilling discoveries which could only be once an individual decides to reconsider the reality around them or make the effort to deeply explore beyond the realms of comfort. Chopin examines the relationship between the individual, particularly women, and society through Edna’s emancipatory quest for freedom, self-fulfilment and liberation. The Awakening traces Edna’s movement from ignorance of individuality to the pursuit of knowledge and uncovering autonomy, whereby the brutal discovery that such freedom will always be denied inevitably destroys her. Similarly, Kim Ho’s short film the language of love explores the ideas of renewed perceptions through the perspective of a modern homosexual teen, who struggles upon discovering his true sexual identity due to the stigma placed on non-conformist relationships.
 
The impacts of a discovery can come unexpectedly, Chopin demonstrates the positive nature of such discoveries through the experiences of Edna uncovering her own hidden sensuous desires. It was amidst strong contextual change during the fin de siecle era that The Awakening was crafted, in a time where women were still restricted by the patriarchy, and artists explored the possibility of women being physically and spiritually free. Edna initially is filled with a "vague anguish", as her husbands "gangrene passion" has left her physically incomplete and spiritually unfulfilled. Chopin indicates the uncovering of Edna’s sexual liberation, "a certain light beginning to dawn within her" with light imagery representing her optimistic discovery of the possibility of sexual freedom. Edna’s budding hidden sexual desire is portrayed in the phallic symbolism of "slimy lizards", her eventual spiritual fulfilment reinforced with animalistic imagery in the simile "like a sleek animal waking up in the sun". Similarly, Charlie’s experiences of an unexpected discovery come as a result of uncovering previously unexplored feelings for his friend Sam. The sudden nature of Charlie's discovery is highlighted by his environment; the bleak and quiet regimented setting of the hall is juxtaposed by the light shining on his face; light symbolising Charlie discovering his own hidden sexuality. Through incorporation of foreign language, Ho draws parallels with Charlie’s discovery of feelings which were previously unknown. The heteroglossia (?) of the French language highlights Charlie’s uncovering of his artistic and creative abilities due to his renewed perception of his sexual identity. 
   
 
 Society's scrutiny of individuals who defy the norm can hinder one's progression to fulfilment; such societal burdens can lead to brutal reconsiderations. Ho demonstrates societies brutal conquer over Charlie through the theomorphic description of his friends "they howled me down", as Charlie begins to reconsider his position in society as a result of discovering that he is part of the minority. Haunting musical intonation of "Charlies a poofta" connotes Charlie's devastation as he discovers that he will never be accepted by the wider society. Ho employs a flashback to emphasize Charlie’s discovery that he will never be able to achieve emotional fulfilment; flash cutting emphasising the confronting nature of such discovery. Charlie’s elation is destroyed by the discovery he will forever be supressed, Charlie’s shameful tone in “they’d never let me forget how gay I’d acted” represents his final brutal discovery that he will never achieve fulfilment. Likewise, Edna continuously attempts to remove the shackles of society through her quest for autonomy, Chopin foreshadowing the impossibility of such freedom as a "delicious, grotesque, impossible dream". Tragic irony in "pigeon house" emphasizes the impossibility of total spiritual and emotional freedom, as Edna uncovers the reality that she will forever be imprisoned by domestic roles in a patriarchal society. The inevitable destruction of Edna’s quest for autonomy is demonstrated through the motif of light, "the lamp spluttered and went out" symbolising Edna’s final brutal discovery that such freedom that she desired cannot be realised for a woman in her context. Although Edna achieved social and spiritual awakening, she is devastated when she uncovers that such a life will never come to fruition; the "bird with a broken wing, beating the air above" is symbolic of society's defeat over Edna in her quest for spiritual liberty despite having "the soul that dares and defies". Edna's pursuit for freedom and her inevitable defeat were embodied by the cyclical nature of the ocean - symbolising society's unbroken pattern of heavy patriarchal and restrictive burdens. Upon the realisation that she will never live autonomously, Edna reconsiders her position in the universe and is ultimately destroyed by her quest, demonstrated through Edna taking her own life.


Here is your essay with my little thoughts in bold writing throughout:
Spoiler
Your essay must definitely, definitely start with a sentence that is removed from the texts. It should be a concept statement that purely addresses your understanding of discovery, in a low modality kind of way.Through the journey of an individual who willingly defies societal boundaries, Kate Chopin’s The Awakening represents the fulfilling discoveries which could only be once an individual decides to reconsider the reality around them or make the effort to deeply explore beyond the realms of comfort. Chopin examines the relationship between the individual, particularly women, and society through Edna’s emancipatory quest for freedom, self-fulfilment and liberation. The Awakening traces Edna’s movement from ignorance of individuality to the pursuit of knowledge and uncovering autonomy, whereby the brutal discovery that such freedom will always be denied inevitably destroys her. Similarly, Kim Ho’s short film the language of love explores the ideas of renewed perceptions through the perspective of a modern homosexual teen, who struggles upon discovering his true sexual identity due to the stigma placed on non-conformist relationships. The importance of a directing discovery-related concept statement at the start of your essay is so great. Because it doesn't exist, I couldn't make the connections between what you suggest of your texts and the concepts of the module. Then, you can end this introduction with reference to the thesis again, to make sure that your essay is discovery based and not text based!
 
Again, similar to your introduction, you need to start every paragraph with a non-textual and completely conceptual statement. The body paragraphs will be started with a topic sentence that is a variation/fleshing-out of the original concept, or a direct response to the question.The impacts of a discovery can come unexpectedly, Chopin demonstrates the positive nature of such discoveries through the experiences of Edna uncovering her own hidden sensuous desires. It was amidst strong contextual change during the fin de siecle era that The Awakening was crafted, in a time where women were still restricted by the patriarchy, and artists explored the possibility of women being physically and spiritually free. Edna initially is filled with a "vague anguish", as her husbands "gangrene passion" has left her physically incomplete and spiritually unfulfilled. Chopin indicates the uncovering of Edna’s sexual liberation, "a certain light beginning to dawn within her" with light imagery representing her optimistic discovery of the possibility of sexual freedom. Edna’s budding hidden sexual desire is portrayed in the phallic symbolism of "slimy lizards", her eventual spiritual fulfilment reinforced with animalistic imagery in the simile "like a sleek animal waking up in the sun". Similarly, Charlie’s experiences of an unexpected discovery come as a result of uncovering previously unexplored feelings for his friend Sam. The sudden nature of Charlie's discovery is highlighted by his environment; the bleak and quiet regimented setting of the hall is juxtaposed by the light shining on his face; light symbolising Charlie discovering his own hidden sexuality. Through incorporation of foreign language, Ho draws parallels with Charlie’s discovery of feelings which were previously unknown. The heteroglossia I think this is correct, but it isn't a commonly used term. Speak to your teacher about this one (?) of the French language highlights Charlie’s uncovering of his artistic and creative abilities due to his renewed perception of his sexual identity.  Finalise the paragraph with a link to discovery.
   
 
 Society's scrutiny of individuals who defy the norm can hinder one's progression to fulfilment; such societal burdens can lead to brutal reconsiderations.<This is exactly what I'm talking about in terms of a non-text related statement. However, you need to explicitly reference discovery. Ho demonstrates societies brutal conquer over Charlie through the theomorphic description of his friends "they howled me down", as Charlie begins to reconsider his position in society as a result of discovering that he is part of the minority. Haunting musical intonation of "Charlies a poofta" connotes Charlie's devastation as he discovers that he will never be accepted by the wider society. Ho employs a flashback to emphasize Charlie’s discovery that he will never be able to achieve emotional fulfilment; flash cutting emphasising the confronting nature of such discovery. Charlie’s elation is destroyed by the discovery he will forever be supressed, Charlie’s shameful tone in “they’d never let me forget how gay I’d acted” represents his final brutal discovery that he will never achieve fulfilment. Likewise, Edna continuously attempts to remove the shackles of society through her quest for autonomy, Chopin foreshadowing the impossibility of such freedom as a "delicious, grotesque, impossible dream". Tragic irony in "pigeon house" emphasizes the impossibility of total spiritual and emotional freedom, as Edna uncovers the reality that she will forever be imprisoned by domestic roles in a patriarchal society. The inevitable destruction of Edna’s quest for autonomy is demonstrated through the motif of light, "the lamp spluttered and went out" symbolising Edna’s final brutal discovery that such freedom that she desired cannot be realised for a woman in her context. Although Edna achieved social and spiritual awakening, she is devastated when she uncovers that such a life will never come to fruition; the "bird with a broken wing, beating the air above" is symbolic of society's defeat over Edna in her quest for spiritual liberty despite having "the soul that dares and defies". Edna's pursuit for freedom and her inevitable defeat were embodied by the cyclical nature of the ocean - symbolising society's unbroken pattern of heavy patriarchal and restrictive burdens. Upon the realisation that she will never live autonomously, Edna reconsiders her position in the universe and is ultimately destroyed by her quest, demonstrated through Edna taking her own life.
There is some really strong textual integration here which is very impressive.


You need to make sure that your conclusion (when written) is super strong on the discovery basis. This needs to have a direct expression of how you perceive discovery. This needs to bring it home and show the marker that YOU GET DISCOVERY!

In the paragraphs, a lot of your clarity of expression will be improved by making links to thesis statements, these are yet to be developed. You need to have a strong thesis statement, and little branches off of that to dissect throughout. Have a look at the other essays on this thread to see what I mean, or search for my own discovery essay in the "Free notes" section (Advanced English) of the site here. You say that your expression is what lacks, but for me that is actually quite good! It is the structure to me that needs working on. Once the structure is fixed, your words will have more impact and direction!


Post back upon editing, if you do! :) Good luck :)
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chuckiecheese

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #20 on: March 06, 2016, 05:55:44 pm »
Thesis ideas for the question: ‘Significant discoveries surprise and challenge’.  How is that idea conveyed in ‘The Tempest’ and ONE other related text of your own choosing?

Any help would be great!
« Last Edit: March 06, 2016, 07:56:02 pm by chuckiecheese »

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #21 on: March 06, 2016, 06:43:40 pm »
Hi Elyse! Thanks so much for your feedback, a fresh set of eyes can really help point out areas of improvement :)
I did my best to fix up according to your suggestions, and would love for you to take another look :)
thanks so much again!
« Last Edit: April 13, 2016, 05:46:20 pm by brontem »

Alalamc

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #22 on: March 06, 2016, 07:29:46 pm »
Well Elyse,thank you so much. You are VERY helpful. I totally agree about everything you have said and will improve on them. I tried writing this essay in 40 minutes for my half yearly exam and so I understand about the clarity. Once again thankyou for being able to take the time and look through my essay in such a short amount of time😁😁😁

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #23 on: March 07, 2016, 05:32:40 pm »
Well Elyse,thank you so much. You are VERY helpful. I totally agree about everything you have said and will improve on them. I tried writing this essay in 40 minutes for my half yearly exam and so I understand about the clarity. Once again thankyou for being able to take the time and look through my essay in such a short amount of time😁😁😁

That's okay! I'm glad we are both agreeing on the features of your essay! That is a very impressive effort for exam conditions this early on in the course, you should be very proud :)
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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #24 on: March 07, 2016, 05:38:51 pm »
Thesis ideas for the question: ‘Significant discoveries surprise and challenge’.  How is that idea conveyed in ‘The Tempest’ and ONE other related text of your own choosing?

Any help would be great!

Hey! So, I don't know the Tempest well and I don't know what your ORT is, so I of course don't know what that is either haha. What I will do is give you some examples of thesis statements and you can kind of mix and match sections and hopefully find one that gives you an idea of how to write your own thesis :)

'Significant discoveries surprise and challenge’
  • Although discoveries may be carefully planned, they may have the capacity to surprise and challenge the individual nonetheless.
  • The surprising and challenging nature of discovery may have the ability to be transformative of an individual's perception of the world around them.
  • The once understood notions of reality/identity may be altered by the surprising and challenging nature of discoveries.
  • The evolution of one's perception may be accelerated by significant discoveries that challenge and surprise.
Hopefully this gives you a bit of direction. From what I know of the Tempest, these can suit some readings of the text. :)
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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #25 on: March 07, 2016, 06:40:47 pm »
Hi Elyse! Thanks so much for your feedback, a fresh set of eyes can really help point out areas of improvement :)
I did my best to fix up according to your suggestions, and would love for you to take another look :)
thanks so much again!

Hey again Brontem :) Thanks for appreciating this! Because I appreciate you joining our community :)

Here is your new and improved essay:
Spoiler
Discovery can offer a new and exciting perception of one’s own physical and spiritual capabilities, but an individuals reconsideration of themselves and their position in society can result in discoveries which can be confronting and brutal.  Kate Chopin’s The Awakening represents the fulfilling discoveries which could only be once an individual decides to reconsider the reality around them or make the effort to deeply explore beyond the realms of comfort. Chopin examines the relationship between the individual, particularly women, and society through Edna’s emancipatory quest for freedom, self-fulfilment and liberation. The Awakening traces Edna’s movement from ignorance of individuality to the pursuit of knowledge and uncovering autonomy, whereby the brutal discovery that such freedom will always be denied inevitably destroys her. Similarly, Kim Ho’s short film the language of love explores the ideas of renewed perceptions through the perspective of a modern homosexual teen, who struggles upon discovering his true sexual identity due to the stigma placed on non-conformist relationships. The discoveries made by each individual have the potential to be intensely meaningful and stimulate new ideas in the discoverer.

A discovery and its impacts can arise unexpectedly, resulting in an initially positive outcome. Chopin demonstrates the positive nature of such discoveries through the experiences of Edna uncovering her own hidden sensuous desires. It was amidst strong contextual change during the fin de siecle era that The Awakening was crafted, in a time where women were still restricted by the patriarchy, and artists explored the possibility of women being physically and spiritually free. Edna initially is filled with a "vague anguish", as her husbands "gangrene passion" has left her physically incomplete and spiritually unfulfilled. Chopin indicates the uncovering of Edna’s sexual liberation, "a certain light beginning to dawn within her" with light imagery representing her optimistic discovery of the possibility of sexual freedom. Edna’s budding hidden sexual desire is portrayed in the phallic symbolism of "slimy lizards", her eventual spiritual fulfilment reinforced with animalistic imagery in the simile "like a sleek animal waking up in the sun". Similarly, Charlie’s experiences of an unexpected discovery come as a result of uncovering previously unexplored feelings for his friend Sam. The sudden nature of Charlie's discovery is highlighted by his environment; the bleak and quiet regimented setting of the hall is juxtaposed by the light shining on his face; light symbolising Charlie discovering his own hidden sexuality. Through incorporation of foreign language, Ho draws parallels with Charlie’s discovery of feelings which were previously unknown. The heteroglossia (?) of the French language highlights Charlie’s uncovering of his artistic and creative abilities due to his renewed perception of his sexual identity.  Both Ho and Chopin employ the sudden and unexpected nature of their protagonists discoveries to emphasise the positive impacts of their outcome.
   
 








Society's scrutiny of individuals who defy the norm can hinder one's progression to fulfilment; such societal burdens can lead to brutal discoveries. Ho demonstrates societies brutal conquer over Charlie through the theomorphic description of his friends "they howled me down", as Charlie begins to reconsider his position in society as a result of discovering that he is part of the minority. Haunting musical intonation of "Charlies a poofta" connotes Charlie's devastation as he discovers that he will never be accepted by the wider society. Ho employs a flashback to emphasize Charlie’s discovery that he will never be able to achieve emotional fulfilment; flash cutting emphasising the confronting nature of such discovery. Charlie’s elation is destroyed by the discovery he will forever be supressed, Charlie’s shameful tone in “they’d never let me forget how gay I’d acted” represents his final brutal discovery that he will never achieve fulfilment. Likewise, Edna continuously attempts to remove the shackles of society through her quest for autonomy, Chopin foreshadowing the impossibility of such freedom as a "delicious, grotesque, impossible dream". Tragic irony in "pigeon house" emphasizes the impossibility of total spiritual and emotional freedom, as Edna uncovers the reality that she will forever be imprisoned by domestic roles in a patriarchal society. The inevitable destruction of Edna’s quest for autonomy is demonstrated through the motif of light, "the lamp spluttered and went out" symbolising Edna’s final brutal discovery that such freedom that she desired cannot be realised for a woman in her context. Although Edna achieved social and spiritual awakening, she is devastated when she uncovers that such a life will never come to fruition; the "bird with a broken wing, beating the air above" is symbolic of society's defeat over Edna in her quest for spiritual liberty despite having "the soul that dares and defies". Edna's pursuit for freedom and her inevitable defeat were embodied by the cyclical nature of the ocean - symbolising society's unbroken pattern of heavy patriarchal and restrictive burdens. Upon the realisation that she will never live autonomously, Edna reconsiders her position in the universe and is ultimately destroyed by her quest, demonstrated through Edna taking her own life. The confronting, destructive nature of discoveries due to contextual burdens forces both Charlie and Edna to reconsider their values and perceptions of themselves in society.

Here is your essay with my writing in bold:
Spoiler
Discovery can offer a new and exciting perception of one’s own physical and spiritual capabilities, but an individuals reconsideration of themselves and their position in society can result in discoveries which can be confronting and brutal. This is such a big improvement. However, I will suggest another improvement  :P I think you need to split this first sentence in half. It should end up looking like this: "Discoveries can offer a new and exciting perception of one's own physical and spiritual capabilities. These discoveries may be brutal and confronting, particularly when an individual reconsiders their perception of their own identity and their position in society." I've added a few words here or there to make it more alike to the rubric. Kate Chopin’s The Awakening represents (not sure about represents. Displays, observes, exhibits, shows, manifests...) the fulfilling discoveries which could may only be experienced once an individual decides to reconsiders the reality around them or make the effort to deeply explore beyond the realms of comfort. This last underlined part is a bit of an awkward end. The reason being, is that the sentence is already very long and you are adding another clause. You have the choice of leaving the end off or setting it up as a new sentence.Chopin examines the relationship between selected individualsd, particularly women, and society through the protagonist,Edna’s, emancipatory quest for freedom, self-fulfilment and liberation. The Awakening traces Edna’s movement from ignorance of individuality to the pursuit of knowledge and uncovering autonomy, whereby the brutal discovery that such freedom will always be denied inevitably destroys her.Although I like the sentence that precedes my own, if you had to cut a sentence, it would be this one. Just because it does do a bit of story-retell. However, I do like it because you relate it very well to discovery. So I'm conflicted haha. Similarly, Kim Ho’s short film the language of love explores the ideas of renewed perceptions through the perspective of a modern homosexual teen, who struggles upon discovering his true sexual identity due to the stigma placed on non-conformist relationships. The discoveries made by each individual have the potential to be intensely meaningful and stimulate new ideas in the discoverer. YASSS! This is what I'm talking about! You need this kind of thing to tie in the introduction. This reads so much better now.

A discovery and its impacts can arise unexpectedly, potentially resulting in an initially positive outcome. Yesssss! Chopin demonstrates the positive nature of such discoveries through the experiences of Edna uncovering her own hidden sensuous desires. It was amidst strong contextual change during the fin de siecle era that The Awakening was crafted, in a time where women were still restricted by the patriarchy, and artists explored the possibility of women being physically and spiritually free. Edna initially is filled with a "vague anguish", as her husbands "gangrene passion" has left her physically incomplete and spiritually unfulfilled. Chopin indicates the uncovering of Edna’s sexual liberation, "a certain light beginning to dawn within her" with light imagery representing mirroring her optimistic discovery of the possibility of sexual freedom. Edna’s budding hidden sexual desire is portrayed in the phallic symbolism of "slimy lizards", her eventual spiritual fulfilment reinforced with animalistic imagery in the simile "like a sleek animal waking up in the sun". Similarly, Charlie’sOkay, this is my introduction to Charlie. You need to introduce him as the protagonist (if he is?) of the second text. experiences of an unexpected discovery come as a result of uncovering previously unexplored feelings for his friend Sam. The sudden nature of Charlie's discovery is highlighted by his environment; the bleak and quiet regimented setting of the hall is juxtaposed by the light shining on his face; light symbolising Charlie discovering his own hidden sexuality. I think this sentence is a great opportunity to link between texts. You talk about the light imagery above in the first text. So if you re-arrange your sentence a bit, you might be able to go for a link between texts, mid sentence. This could be as simple as "the light imagery, also observed in The Awakening, ..." It isn't a necessity of course, but if you can do it seamlessly it will show a very deep link between the texts. Through incorporation of foreign language, Ho draws parallels with Charlie’s discovery of feelings which were previously unknown. The heteroglossia (?) of the French language highlights Charlie’s uncovering of his artistic and creative abilities due to his renewed perception of his sexual identity.  Both Ho and Chopin employ the sudden and unexpected nature of their protagonists discoveries to emphasise the positive impacts of their outcome.
   
Society's scrutiny of individuals who defy the norm can hinder one's progression to fulfilment; such societal burdens can lead to brutal discoveries. I seem to be a really big fan of cutting your thesis statements in half haha. This one works, but it is a lot to take in, which is why I would keep the end clause as a new sentence. But, this is something that won't mark you down, it will just improve the clarity of your understanding of discovery. Ho demonstrates societies brutal conquer over Charlie through the theomorphic description of his friends "they howled me down", as Charlie begins to reconsider his position in society as a result of discovering that he is part of the minority. This is another sentence that would benefit from being cut in half :P Haunting musical intonation of "Charlie's a poofta" connotes Charlie's devastation as he discovers that he will never be accepted by the wider society. Ho employs a flashback to emphasize Charlie’s discovery that he will never be able to achieve emotional fulfilment; flash cutting emphasising the confronting nature of such discovery. Charlie’s elation is destroyed by the discovery he will forever be supressed, Charlie’s shameful tone in “they’d never let me forget how gay I’d acted” represents his final brutal discovery that he will never achieve fulfilment. Likewise, Edna continuously attempts to remove the shackles of society through her quest for autonomy, Chopin foreshadowing the impossibility of such freedom as a "delicious, grotesque, impossible dream". Tragic irony in "pigeon house" emphasizes the impossibility of total spiritual and emotional freedom, as Edna uncovers discovers the reality that she will forever be imprisoned by domestic roles in a patriarchal society. The inevitable destruction of Edna’s quest for autonomy is demonstrated through the motif of light, "the lamp spluttered and went out" symbolising Edna’s final brutal discovery that such freedom that she desired cannot be realised for a woman in her context. Although Edna achieved social and spiritual awakening, she is devastated when she uncovers that such a life will never come to fruition; the "bird with a broken wing, beating the air above" is symbolic of society's defeat over Edna in her quest for spiritual liberty despite having "the soul that dares and defies". Edna's pursuit for freedom and her inevitable defeat were embodied by the cyclical nature of the ocean - symbolising society's unbroken pattern of heavy patriarchal and restrictive burdens. Upon the realisation that she will never live autonomously, Edna reconsiders her position in the universe and is ultimately destroyed by her quest, demonstrated through Edna taking her own life. The confronting, destructive nature of discoveries due to contextual burdens forces both Charlie and Edna to reconsider their values and perceptions of themselves in society.

WOW! WOW!

This has come so far, even with just a few changes! Your textual analysis is really thorough, I'm very impressed. You also present a very well integrated essay. I would like to see what you can do with a conclusion. I know you want to make it up on the spot, but it helps to have a "perfect" one back at home on paper so that you at least know how the conclusion should be formatted when you are in an exam.

I think you are using American English with "emphasize." It is emphasise in Australian English :) (Small flaw - nothing major!!!! Your Microsoft Word but be set to American English and actually autocorrect it.)

Hopefully what I've said has made sense. I'd also be interested in hearing what your teacher has to say about this. Because you have come so far so quickly, it is important to touch base with someone other than me. Then once you gain their feedback, change up the essay, feel free to send it back! We are getting to a stage where there is very little to fix up. I think part of this is because I'm not looking at it with fresh eyes because I've seen it twice now, but majorly because it is really good!

When is the next time that you can gain teacher feedback? Is it after the half yearly? Or before? :)
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brontem

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #26 on: March 08, 2016, 12:19:28 pm »
Hey! thanks so much for the help, I feel wayyy more confident in my essay now :)
We had to write a half essay in with just the prescribed text (the awakening) and it was marked on that (it was given 16/20 with critiques as "work the terms more"), we were told our related texts can't be marked, which is why I came here :)

The exam is on Friday, and I cant hand it back in because of the related text, so next time I get teacher feedback will be after the exam; but you've definitely helped me so much. I've split some of those thesis parts in half and added the minor tweaks you've suggested and I'm confident that I'll be able to manipulate it according to the question on the day (I'll also write a conclusion as a mock-up so I know where I'm heading). All I've done is adopted your minor tweaks so it reads how you imagined, so I'm not sure if you'd want to see it again?
Thank you so much for your help, I really appreciate it :)
« Last Edit: March 08, 2016, 01:03:48 pm by brontem »

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #27 on: March 08, 2016, 12:37:50 pm »
hi again!! so i've tried fixing up most of my essay from the feedback you gave me (thank you very much for that, it was extremely helpful!!), but I'm still struggling with being concise with my points and just rehashing over the same information, i was wondering if you could help me out again? thank you so much!!!
« Last Edit: March 08, 2016, 10:42:05 pm by lowrifunnell »

elysepopplewell

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #28 on: March 09, 2016, 08:28:06 am »
Hey! thanks so much for the help, I feel wayyy more confident in my essay now :)
We had to write a half essay in with just the prescribed text (the awakening) and it was marked on that (it was given 16/20 with critiques as "work the terms more"), we were told our related texts can't be marked, which is why I came here :)

The exam is on Friday, and I cant hand it back in because of the related text, so next time I get teacher feedback will be after the exam; but you've definitely helped me so much. I've split some of those thesis parts in half and added the minor tweaks you've suggested and I'm confident that I'll be able to manipulate it according to the question on the day (I'll also write a conclusion as a mock-up so I know where I'm heading). All I've done is adopted your minor tweaks so it reads how you imagined, so I'm not sure if you'd want to see it again?
Thank you so much for your help, I really appreciate it :)

Okay! Awesome :) It really is my pleasure. I love seeing essays improve through time :) Right now, I think it is best that you go into your exam with the essay you have. Right now, it isn't as much about fixing the preparation as it is adjusting in an exam. Hopefully you'll get some great feedback from your teacher. I mean, if she gave you 16/20 before, and you've improved so much, you're now just being testing on your ORT and your adaptation in the exam. When you get this feedback, absolutely feel free to post back because I'd be really interested!

You're doing so well :)
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elysepopplewell

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #29 on: March 09, 2016, 09:05:35 am »
hi again!! so i've tried fixing up most of my essay from the feedback you gave me (thank you very much for that, it was extremely helpful!!), but I'm still struggling with being concise with my points and just rehashing over the same information, i was wondering if you could help me out again? thank you so much!!!

Hello again! I'm glad that this is helping you, I really am!
Same as last time, here is your original essay:
Spoiler
Personal discoveries may change one’s perception of themselves and their place in society. In The Awakening, the protagonist, Edna, makes a discovery of her autonomous existence that brings with it the discovery that it is in fact impossible The context of the society will not allow her to be independent, rendering her initial emotional discovery useless and ultimately, destructive. Additionally, the film Persepolis (2007) directed by Vincent Paronnaud and Marjane Satrapi, follows a young girl, Marjane, growing up during the Islamic Revolution, as she discovers her identity and sense of self, before discovering that this identity does not conform to the social expectations of post-revolutionist Iran. Both discoveries result in new understandings and perceptions of identity and society. (Is this too rubric-y??)
Discoveries can result in a change of perspective of one’s identity, and cause the realisation of a more independent, autonomous self. The title of the novel, The Awakening uses connotations of awakening to emphasises that Edna was blind, but is now fully awake, fully aware of herself and society. Although this discovery is only a change in opinion of herself, and therefore cannot be true nor false, the title reveals that it is correct. Similarly, the line “I wouldn’t give myself” symbolises the moment when she gains a sense of agency. She has discovered an autonomous sense of self and she will not surrender it for any patriarchal demands. Likewise, towards the beginning of Edna’s discovery, “a certain light was beginning to dawn dimly within her”. The subject of the sentence is the light, rather than Edna herself. The fact that the light is “within her” symbolises the internal nature of her discovery. It is revealing her autonomous self, and changing her perception of her identity. Furthermore, the listing of adverbs and past participles in “idly, aimlessly, unthinking and unguided” emphasises that Edna is experiencing a vast freedom of choice, roaming through limitless possibilities. She has decided to be autonomous and reject social conventions.
Whilst it is possible to discover a previously hidden identity, that identity may not be harmonious with the context's social ideas. The Awakening was written at the end of the 19th century in America, where women were confined by patriarchal society, whilst Fin de Siecle literature presented women with more freedom and independence. Edna’s ultimate discovery of the impossibility of her freedom due to societal constraints, brings about her death. The “caged bird” towards the beginning of the novel introduces the bird motif, and foreshadows the restrictions society will place on Edna’s freedom. She is liberated by her sexual, social and spiritual awakening, but also discovers the impossibility of achieving this awakened life. Likewise, the “language which nobody understood, unless it was the mockingbird” uses the motif of birds to continue to emphasise Edna’s cry for freedom. Edna becomes isolated because her way of thinking is not congruous with society’s. At the end of the novel, Edna “stood naked in the open air" prior to her suicide, displaying an ironic duality, in that it exposes her, but gives her freedom. She was protected by society, but she discovered the potential of liberation and was destroyed.

The film Persepolis is also a testament to the notion that the discovery of one's identity may not be fostered in restrictive societies. The film demonstrates the challenges faced in an attempt to discover an identity whilst having to conform with a tyrannical society. Towards the beginning of the film, Marjane is given a swan made of bread by her uncle, whom she greatly respects. The swan is a symbol for her need for freedom, and provides an insight into Marjane’s main ideals, and gives her hope for the future. Similar to Edna, as Marjane begins to discover her identity, she experiences struggles and difficulties in fitting in with society, demonstrated through the motif of music. Marjane has to buy her tapes on the black market as they are forbidden in her society. The tapes symbolise the struggles involved in coming of age and discovering herself. Finally, Marjane begins to discover that her identity is not congruous with society’s idea of women. She wants “to be an educated, liberated woman. And if the pursuit of knowledge meant getting cancer, so be it”. This is a reference to Marie Curie, who died of radiation poisoning due to her research on radioactivity. Marjane is recognising that her newly discovered freedom comes at a price.
As Marjane discovers her role in society as a woman and as a person, she also discovers that how she sees herself is not harmonious with society's perception of women. The recurring motif of the veil that Marjane has to wear in Iran is symbolic of society’s oppression of women, supported by the ironic statement taught in schools, that “the veil is synonymous with freedom”. This idea is further demonstrated by the monochromatic colours of the movie when Marjane is wearing the veil, and the transition to colour when she removes it. For Marjane, the veil symbolises the idea that, due to being a woman, she is less of a person. Following this discovery, she is prescribed medication for depression. Much like in The Awakening, society believes that anything that challenges the social norms is an illness that must be cured. Finally, the powerful conclusion to the film, where Marjane is asked where she is from, and she replies “Iran” demonstrates the final outcome of Marjane’s discovery. Whilst she is fully Iranian, and the country is inextricably linked to her newly discovered personality, she has also discovered that she cannot exist there. Both Edna and Marjane discover that their identities are not synonymous with society’s paradigms, but whilst this destroys Edna, Marjane survives and continues to discover her autonomous self.

This time, I will be deeper with my comments, more specific if I can, in bold text:
Spoiler
Personal discoveries may change one’s perception of themselves and their place in society. In an exam, you would address the question with a "secondary" thesis statement that supports the first, but directly deals with the question.In The Awakening, the protagonist, Edna, makes a discovery of her autonomous existence that brings with it the discovery that it is in fact impossible. Perhaps try "In The Awakening, the protagonist, Edna, makes a dual discovery that she has an autonomous existence, but also that it is suppressed by society." All I've done here is linked the two discoveries with "dual" so that you can clearly relate that one was discovered after the other, whilst also being kind of simultaneous. The oppressive? Traditional? Patriarchal? context of the society will not allow her to be independent, rendering her initial emotional discovery regarding her autonomous existenceuseless and ultimately, destructive. Additionally, the film Persepolis (2007) directed by Vincent Paronnaud and Marjane Satrapi, follows a young girl, Marjane, growing up during the Islamic Revolution, as she discovers her identity and sense of self, before discovering that this identity does not conform to the social expectations of post-revolutionist Iran. Both discoveries result in new understandings and perceptions of identity and society. (Is this too rubric-y??) To kind of make it sound less rubric-y I'd just add an extra little something in there. Kind of like this: "Both discoveries, although different in context, result in new understandings and perceptions of identity and society." This definitely isn't perfect, but do you see what I mean about adding a little something in there that brings it out of the rubric and into the texts, without actually specifying textual details? However, this is me being picky. In an exam situation, your original last sentence would fly without question, I'd imagine.
Discoveries can result in a change of perspective of one’s identity, and cause the realisation of a more independent, autonomous self. The title of the novel, The Awakening uses connotations of awakening to emphasises that Edna was blind, but is now fully awake, fully aware of herself and society. You don't have to use this at all, but I will suggest this. The word "titular" means relating to the title. So, to express your sentence more concisely in an exam in less words, you could change this sentence to be, "The titular connotations of "The Awakening" emphasise that Edna was blind..." By using titular, you can arrange the syntax in a way to sound clearer and more sophisticated. Although this discovery is only a change in opinion of herself, and therefore cannot be true nor false, the title reveals that it is correct. Similarly, the line I try to avoid saying "the line, the quote, this..." Instead, try "Similarly, Edna's declaration, "I wouldn't give myself," symbolises..." “I wouldn’t give myself” symbolises the moment when she gains a sense of agency. love that you're switching between agency, autonomy, etc. She has discovered an autonomous sense of self and she will not surrender it for any patriarchal demands. Likewise, towards the beginning of Edna’s discovery, “a certain light was beginning to dawn dimly within her”. The subject of the sentence is the light, rather than Edna herself (here, I feel like you need to be more technical with the literary techniques at play. Specifically, you need to talk about noun placement. You can do a quick google search on this to see how syntax, particularly noun placement, alters the subject of the sentence. I feel like you already know this, because you've pointed it out above. Now, you just need to be concise in the language works at play. The fact that the light is “within her” symbolises the internal nature of her discovery. Awesome point! It is revealing her autonomous self, and changing her perception of her identity. Furthermore, the listing style/format of adverbs and past participles in “idly, aimlessly, unthinking and unguided” (Unguided is the only past participle here. Idly, aimlessly and unthinking are all adverbs. But, so is unguided. So really, you could take out the past participle part.emphasises that Edna is experiencing a vast freedom of choice, roaming through limitless possibilities. She has decided to be autonomous and reject social conventions. In these last two sentences, you probably want to consider explicitly saying DISCOVERY so that the marker feels like you have rounded your argument back.
Whilst it is possible to discover a previously hidden identity, that identity may not be harmonious with the context's social ideas. The Awakening was written at the end of the 19th century in America, where women were confined by patriarchal society, whilst Fin de Siecle literature presented women with more freedom and independence. Edna’s ultimate discovery of the impossibility of her freedom due to societal constraints, brings about her death. The “caged bird” towards the beginning of the novel introduces the bird motif, and foreshadows the restrictions society will place on Edna’s freedom. She is liberated by her sexual, social and spiritual awakening, but also discovers the impossibility of achieving this awakened life. Likewise, the “language which nobody understood, unless it was the mockingbird” uses the motif of birds to continue to emphasise Edna’s cry for freedom. Edna becomes isolated because her way of thinking is not congruous with society’s. At the end of the novel, Edna “stood naked in the open air" prior to her suicide, displaying an ironic duality, in that it exposes her, but gives her freedom. She was protected by society, but she discovered the potential of liberation and was destroyed. I like this paragraph because it links well to the second part of the discovery in this text: the realisation about society! But I can't LOVE this paragraph because you solely talk about the bird motif as your strongest textual reference. It is essentially a weak paragraph because of it, yet it holds powerful ideas. It is possible that when you receive an essay question, this paragraph will be a lot more guided. However, I still would try and get your hands on some more textual references, even small ones, to strengthen this.

The film Persepolis is also a testament to the notion that the discovery of one's identity may not be fostered in restrictive societies. The film demonstrates the challenges faced in an attempt to discover an identity whilst having to conform with a tyrannical society. Towards the beginning This bit here is a bit clumsy. of the film, Marjane is given a swan made of bread by her uncle, whom she greatly respects. The swan is a symbol for her need for freedom, and provides an insight into Marjane’s main ideals, and gives her hope for the future. Awesome, this is a sentence packed full of great insight. Similar to Edna, as Marjane begins to discover her identity, she experiences struggles and difficulties in fitting in with society, demonstrated through the motif of music. Marjane has to buy her tapes on the black market as they are forbidden in her society. The tapes symbolise the struggles involved in coming of age and discovering herself. Finally, Marjane begins to discover that her identity is not congruous with society’s idea of women. She wants “to be an educated, liberated woman. And if the pursuit of knowledge meant getting cancer, so be it”. This is a reference Ask your teacher if they think this constitutes an "allusion." By dictionary definition, it is, so you can replace "reference" for "allusion." However, some teachers dispute that it can be non-religious. I would say it is an allusion. to Marie Curie, who died of radiation poisoning due to her research on radioactivity. Marjane is recognising that her newly discovered freedom comes at a price.
As Marjane discovers her role in society as a woman and as a person, she also discovers that how she sees herself is not harmonious with society's perception of women. The recurring motif of the veil that Marjane has to wear in Iran is symbolic of society’s oppression of women, supported by the ironic statement taught in schools, that “the veil is synonymous with freedom”. This idea/irony is further demonstrated by the monochromatic colours of the movie when Marjane is wearing the veil, and the transition to colour when she removes it. For Marjane, the veil symbolises the idea that, due to being a woman, she is less of a person. Following this discovery, she is prescribed medication for depression. Much like in The Awakening, society believes that anything that challenges the social norms is an illness that must be cured. Finally, the powerful conclusion to the film, where Marjane is asked where she is from, and she replies “Iran” demonstrates the final outcome of Marjane’s discovery. Whilst she is fully Iranian, and the country is inextricably linked to her newly discovered personality, she has also discovered that she cannot exist there. Both Edna and Marjane discover that their identities are not synonymous with society’s paradigms, but whilst this destroys Edna, Marjane survives and continues to discover her autonomous self. I really like this last idea. This is what you could use as the last paragraph of your introduction even? Well, this kind of idea. The non-rubric-y bit would be the reference to the two having different reactions to the discovery.

This has improved so much, I'm so proud :')
I'm interested to know how you go in your half yearly exam. Keep in touch, take the feedback or leave it, let me know what you think about the piece at this stage. The next step, after your next edit, might be to leave it after half yearlies and wait for the teacher feedback. Then, based on that, you should be able to take another big step forward in creating a polished work!
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