AOS Discovery Essay advice for HSC 2017?

[armtistic]

So our teacher sent us off on the holidays and asked us to write out Paper 1 essay.
Our prescribed text is Away and I am using UP(2009) as my related text.

I'm not sure how much faith to put in my teacher's essay structure as our HSC English results this year were... less than promising.
I was wondering if the AN community could look over it for me and maybe add specific details or edits, thanks 

Intro

She suggests we start with a thesis statement which is meant to be a "statement about your opinion about discoveries when you synthesise Away and your related text together in your mind. This statement will drive your essay."
Then we are meant to introduce texts and branch out into two idea statements that we want to explore in the essay.

Question I made up: “Experiencing beyond our horizons, deliberately or not, allows us to achieve greater understanding and form renewed perceptions of ourselves and others.” To what degree do your texts support this statement?

If someone could look over my response intro for me that would be great because I feel like it isn't sophisticated enough:

We often find that venturing beyond our horizons, to discover new worlds and values, leads to self-realization and catalyses transformations in ourselves and those we meet. Certain concepts of Discovery are evident in works such as Michael Gow’s Away and Pete Docter’s UP in which they convey particular ideas including that through the prodigious and inquisitive nature of youth, discoveries are made or precipitated and that it is the encounter with loss that allows for new findings. [Studied together, these texts demonstrate that it is delving outside our comfort zones that allow a discovery to be genuinely enriching. An appreciation of what these composers sensitively explore allows us to recognize that although the desire to discover is fundamentally human, it is not the discovery, but the process of which that instigates change and renewed perceptions of ourselves and others.]

I'm not sure how exactly to close off the intro though, the stuff in the brackets is what I had in mind but it sounds a bit wishy-washy (help would be appreciated  )

Also on the structure of body paragraphs themselves.

1. Idea statement
2. Further this point
3. Example from the text; what character or which event exemplifies this idea?
4. Identify a technique, give a quote, explain its meaning. (Do step 4 twice)
5. Another example from the text another character or event that exemplified this idea.
6. Identify a technique, give a quote, explain its meaning. (Do step 6 twice)
7. Linking sentence - hook directly into the words of the question

One thing I've never really paid attention to is the linking sentence but from what I've read and heard a lot of marks are attributed to it. Could someone explain what exactly it's meant to contain or how to structure one?

Mod Edit: Merged posts, you can use the 'Modify' button to add to your question if you need to
 

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey hey! I really like that question you made up actually

So on reading, your teachers essay structure sounds pretty much like the standard! You definitely need to start your introduction with your Thesis as your teacher has described, you can read a guide on this here

The introduction you've provided works well in my opinion! I think you should spend longer explaining the conceptual topics you provide in that second sentence; that feels a little rushed and as a result the concepts don't feel properly 'fleshed out.' You could play with the wording and stretch it out over two sentences; perhaps look at how the two texts differ in their approach - Do they bring the exact same things to the analysis? Just something to consider. What you have in the brackets sounds really great to me, but yeah, you could say it in less words to the same effect. Try trimming the elaborate language, because the idea works! Like:

...although the desire to discover is fundamentally human, it is not the discovery, but the process of which...

That could just be replaced with:

... although the desire to discover is fundamentally human, it is the process...

And it works exactly the same with only 2/3 of the words


On the body paragraphs, the structure you've provided works well. It is what we call a semi-integrated body paragraph, one that discusses both texts but does so in distinct sections. I wrote like this a lot and used a very similar structure, but don't hold to it rigidly if you don't want to! As long as you have an introduction, and a conclusion, and good stuff in between, you are sweet. Also, you can do more than 4 techniques in a paragraph if you want to, or less, it totally depends on you

Yep, that final sentence is important. I wouldn't think of it as a link to the question, although implicitly it should do that too. It is a link to your Thesis; the big statement that drives your essay. It should be linking back to that statement as well as the topic of your paragraph, tying them together and essentially justifying why the paragraph and the analysis was included in the first place. For yours, one might be:

Thus, it is clear how both Gow and Docter seek to emphasise the transformative nature of traumatic loss, thus demonstrating how even unwanted experiences allow us to form renewed perceptions of ourselves.

So here, the blue could be the paragraph topic, and the red could be the Thesis statement (right now, just very similar to the question, which works too). It ties them together in a summation, you are essentially saying, "Yep, I've covered my topic and backed up my Thesis, give me marks please." It shouldn't add anything new, just bring things together!

I hope this helps!

[armtistic]

Thanks for the thorough response!
On another post I was advised not to use Disney/Pixar films as related texts because they are frowned upon, would it be wise for me to switch texts?

[jamonwindeyer]

Thanks for the thorough response!
On another post I was advised not to use Disney/Pixar films as related texts because they are frowned upon, would it be wise for me to switch texts?

Yep yep! So this isn't something I'm an absolute expert on, but I would say that most mainstream films, particularly kids films, do lack a bit of conceptual depth. The concepts are simple to cater to the audience - You can't put deep and complex conceptual frameworks in these sorts of texts because it would fly over the head of the audience.

This isn't a blanket statement that "Kids films don't work," but it is absolutely a reason to be cautious. Questions to ask yourself would be:

- Do you have enough techniques to back up your argument?
- Are these techniques sufficiently varied?
- Is there enough going on that you aren't repeating the same discovery concept over and over again? Like, there needs to be enough to make sure that each of your techniques adds a little something to the concept, some little extra layer of complexity.

I personally have no clue about inherent marker bias against these sorts of texts, and the fact is that there will be no deliberate subtraction of marks just for your choice of ORT. That said, sudodds knows her stuff to a crazy level, so I'd absolutely be considering her suggestions