Help with my short story: English Standard

[Lexie.palmer]

Hi there!
I'm currently in my prelim year of the HSC and for an assignment thats due relatively soon we are required to write a short story, using symbolism from a piece of stimulus my teacher provided us with. I was given a picture of the eyes of Dr T.J Eckleberg (from the great gatsby). Our limit is 1200 and I'm currently sitting around 800 words. I would so greatly appreciate it if anyone would take the time to read what I have so far and give me some feedback/ideas. I'm feeling very stuck at the moment!

Heres my story:


Sharp winds forced their way through the cracked windows, halting Bruno’s sleep. Even from his modest suburban home, tucked away in the outskirts, he could hear the bustling city. It never slept, but neither did Bruno. His mind was a never ending storm. His depression, an ominous rumble of thunder, his anxiety, fierce, abrupt lightning that left him trembling. Bruno was exhausted. The bleak winter's night seemed endless. His hands were ice, much alike the hearts of everyone around him. Cold, stubborn and bitter …

After hours of tossing and turning, the birds early morning songs filled the streets and dragged him out of his stupor. His legs weak, Bruno stumbled out of bed and begun getting ready for school. His uniform torn and faded, he looked at himself in his fingerprint ridden mirror. Even his reflection was gloomy. Without lunch, or a goodbye, Bruno slammed the door behind him. He knew his bus would arrive in exactly thirty two seconds now, and thirty two seconds later, there it was. The same boring routine, the same boring weekday.

Bruno slowly walked up the stairs, scanning the bus for empty seats.
“Hurry up ya lousy lounge lizard, we have places to be ya know!” shouted Henry Higgins, from the back of the bus.
Bruno spotted a seat directly in front of Higgins, although much further down the bus than he would usually venture, he had no choice. He sat, and began hesitantly putting in his earphones, expecting Henry to say something stupid.

“Oi scum!” Bruno was right, “Ain’t ya gettin’ expelled today.”

“Okay?” mumbled Bruno. He continued to put in his earphones, only to have them yanked out a few seconds later.

“Ya better watch yaself Bruno Banks, I know things” murmured Henry. He dropped Bruno’s earphones, sat back in his seat, and looked out the window as if nothing happened. Bruno wasn’t intimidated by Henry, moreso tired of him and his relentlessly bothersome nature.

The rest of the bus trip was silent. Bruno listened to his music whilst slumped against the window, hoping that one day there would be a change of scenery along the lengthy road. Factories, huge industrial smokestacks and powerlines littered the roadside, eliminating any brightness there was left.
Whilst the bus travelled further away from the city, the atmosphere became increasingly gloomy. The smell of smoke seeped its way into the bus through the drivers opened window. Bruno was cold, he always was, People's stares sent shivers down his spine, their degrading laughter freezing him from the inside out. The only warmth Bruno knew was Emily. He missed her.

Emily, the girl with light brown hair, rosy cheeks and a broken smile, she was a candle hidden in the darkest of rooms, her light being blown out much before her time. Her passing affected Bruno in ways he couldn’t even understand. How could he have helped? Was he really too late? Why didn’t he tell her how he felt? Bruno’s mind was constantly racing. They were once inseparable, and now, he was never going to see her again. Her voice still echoed in his mind, nothing felt real anymore.

“It’s our stop now daydreamer, get up” Henry picked up Bruno’s bag, and slammed it against Bruno’s chest.

“Watch yourself” whispered Bruno with his head bowed.

“What’d ya say, Princess Pansy? Ya lucky I’m feeling tired today.” Henry laughed. The same laugh that constantly filled Bruno with anger. With a smirk on his face, Henry raced off the bus, Bruno slowly walked off after him.

Bruno’s school was more a prison in his eyes, not the I-hate-sitting-in-a-class-and- listening-to-a-teacher sort of prison that many students think school is, but rather an emotional prison. As Bruno paced the halls, all he could see was Emily. Her locker, her favourite teacher, the kids who used to bully her. There was no escape. Everyone saw Emily when they looked at Bruno, she was always with him, her absence being all the more obvious.  A sea of eyes seemed to follow him everywhere he went.

‘The eyes are the window to the soul’, Bruno never understood this phrase. Everyone he met gaze with seemed so empty. Was he just surrounded by people with no soul? Surely not. He had only ever met two gingers in his lifetime. Maybe he was just missing something.

As he walks through the gates, Bruno experiences the same sinking feeling in his stomach he’s so used to. Abundant with noisy children, the halls felt as though they were continually shrinking around him. Closer and closer.