PF's journal

[PhoenixxFire]

I name my spotify playlists by mood. If we ignore the ones from last year which are all just random letters
There's calm, sadness, apocalypse, help, repeat, and

I just made a new playlist. It's called hope. It's fragile. It's a super thin blown glass statue that I'm terrified that I'm going to drop and shatter.

I haven't felt this okay in a long time. Not even earlier this year when I went 2 months without being in hospital and thought I was doing fine. I didn't realise at the time but looking back it's more similar to that period early in 2020 when I was just existing and not enjoying it.

Maybe my new antidepressant is working after all lol. For the first week I was on it I was more suicidal than I was the previous week and I almost decided to stop taking it.

I don't quite know what to do with this little spark of hope. I don't want it to go out from lack of oxygen or from strong winds and I don't know how to get that balance right. I have quite a history of getting it wrong. But I suppose I can only try.