first AC! Need feedback

[tamamo]

I'm really happy I just finished my first analytical commentary!! I got some feedback from my teacher but I'd love feedback from any of your guys as well


It's on the book In Flanders Fields and hopefully it makes sense without the text (bc that's usually a sign of a good essay)
here's a reading if you'd like it tho

my analytical commentary!!

In Flanders Fields is a children’s picture story book written by Norman Jorgensen & Brian Harrison-Lever. The book describes a ceasefire on Christmas during WWI and its purpose is to show the humanity in soldiers on both sides of the battlefield. The authors want the reader to understand that the soldiers in the war were people, “not just names on dusty records” and provide an insight into their experiences. Its formal register implies that it is intended for a mature child audience learning about WWI and history.

In Flanders Fields connects to an audience of older children with some prior knowledge of WWI events through inference and semantic fields. The authors choose not to mention that the text occurs during WWI or that there is even a war, instead, they use words belonging to the semantic field. The text references “no-mans-land” and the “trenches”, words commonly associated with World War I. The audience is expected to have prior knowledge about the context to use inference to interpret the meaning. The book implies recipients cannot receive mail because they have died but it is not implicitly stated, instead they say that “many letters and parcels have to be returned to the mail sack.” In having an understanding of the book’s historical setting, the audience can interpret this meaning themselves, provoking a more empathetic response. The final scene includes silent night being sung by the soldiers on both sides. It begins in German with “Stille Nacht”, the audience is not expected to know German to understand this but would be familiar with the rest of the Christmas carol, found in the text in English, interpreting it to mean silent night. The use of inference in this context is to connect the audience to the text. Expected familiar knowledge of the Silent Night carol allows the audience to envision the scene. In Flander Fields, aims to connect the audience through semantics by using inference and phrase related to World War I.

The author strives to engenders humanity in World War I soldiers, this is achieved through use of adverb, adjectives and onomatopoeia. Adjectives and adverbs provoke ideates of movement, taste, touch and smells. Visual aspects are mostly depicted by the illustration but movement is instilled through descriptions, like how the tin cups “shake uncontrollably”. Touch, taste and smells that can’t be described through images, “strong scalding tea” and “the cold morning air”. The audience is then able to picture themselves in this situation, imbuing their own humanity into the characters. Onomatopoeia is found throughout In Flanders Fields, “screeching” and “crunching” describe the sounds in the environment. In combination with other describing words and illustrations it describes the environment, this aiding the function. The text also conveys emotion through description. Actions are done “cautiously”, “sadly” and “helplessly”, sharing the emotions experienced by the characters. The audience again, can envision the scene, but also provokes a sense of empathy. In Flanders Fields engenders the events of World War I and uses description through adjectives, adverbs and onomatopoeia to allow the readers to see the story through the eyes of the characters.


The language used in the text is indicative of a children’s picture story book. The authors use language as an aid to imagery and, therefore, uses more simplistic syntax and phonological patterning. The text consists of mostly declaratives in the form of simple and compound sentences as further explanations, like "he lifts up his helmet up", to what is described through the illustrations. The syntactic patterning is also used to contribute to create a rhythm in the text, a common feature of children’s story books. Rhythm is further enhances through alliterations such as "the silk scarf”. Phonological patterning is a key feature of the form and is used to make the text more rhythmic and easy to follow with the visual stimulus. Alliteration and syntactic patterning gives the text a sonorous quality, defining the form as a children’s picture story books

I hope this is the right place to ask for feedback? if not let me know and thanks in advance to anyone who reads this!!

[Jimmmy]

Hey tamamo,

Certainly not a bad start! You're in 1&2 so the most important thing is to get structure right. I'd suggest making sure you include line/page numbers for every AC that you do, so maybe try and add them into this AC you've done here?

In your introduction, I suggest you stick to the FARMSS principle (Function, Audience, Register, Mode + (Text Type+ Author), Social Purpose & Semantic Field). This enables you to outline the general areas of discussion for your AC, and how the use of lexical and syntactic choices influence them.

Taking a quick look at your AC, you've covered the general concepts of FARMSS, but the Function & Social Purpose needs to be tightened up IMO. For example, when you discuss the purpose being 'to show humanity', I'd say that isn't awfully clear, and would suggest going for a sentence like 'the function of the text is to inform the readers of soldiers humanity in WWI', with the further social purpose of 'providing information about the sacrifices and decisions made by soldiers in war to a younger demographic of readers so that the knowledge is passed down to the younger generations'. From here, I'd say specifying a field (eg. war) referencing some related words or phrases would be helpful to tighten up your AC. I like your final sentence, but I think clarifying that the formal register mirrors the language used when the book was set (eg. use of obsoletes, I haven't read it so I'm just guessing) would add to your AC immensely.

Your main paragraphs follow a similar line, some great evidence and knowledge in there but it just needs a little structure, and making sure you use line/page numbers!!! I'd suggest asking your teacher about any key overarching principles that they think should be used in each paragraph to then proceed using metalanguage to analyse. I like using what I outlined in my introduction, so having a paragraph about big ideas (eg. how choices by author link to register, social purpose etc.), but I also think it's vital to talk about the context, so I'd suggest highlighting that in your piece.

I hope this helps! Feel free to ask anything that you think needs clarification.

[tamamo]

Thank you so much! That was really helpful. I’ll be sure to incorporate all your advice in my next essay