Poet's Well-being Journal

[Poet]

Good news, everybody! It was my kitty’s 9th birthday the other day – HBD, Jazzy baby! (I’ve taken her collar off for a little and she’s sprinting up and down the hallway like a savage beast. As soon as I put her collar on again she’s gonna mope around and pretend she didn’t feel the call of the wild in her little predatory heart)

Look at her in a party hat! :D yaaaaay

Does anyone know the feeling of, no matter where you go, eyes on the back of your neck? That feeling like you’re being watched. All the time. Like the fuzz in your peripheral vision is hiding something. I dunno, I think they call it paranoia. Haha I’m paranoid right now. It kind of feels like the future is some sort of shadow, creeping ever closer whenever I blink. A Weeping Angel. And if I don’t keep my eyes open, it’ll grab me and pull me under before I’m ready. I know I’ve complained about this before. It’s a cycle. Sleeping’s hard. Studying’s hard. And I swear, English is about to drive me utterly insane. It’s like banging my head against a brick wall. AND THE EXAM IS IN A WEEK.

AAAAHHHHHHH

SWEET JESUS ALL I WANT IS AN 80, LORD HAVE MERCY

I KNOW THEY SAY YOUR SELF-WORTH SHOULDN’T BE INVESTED IN A SINGLE NUMBER OR ACHIEVEMENT BUT THIS IS 13 YEARS OF MY LIFE AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’LL DO IF I FAIL BY MY OWN STANDARDS.

And I’m going to fail. I just know it. I’ll get a 74.95 and it won’t be good enough because it was a twentieth of a point from what I would call an achievement for myself. Did I mention it was my cat’s birthday? Haha I am slowly dying what is wrong with me.

VCAA, I hate you. Thanks for diminishing my already dismal self-worth. But I can’t blame it on VCAA, because the responsibility to do well lies with me and me alone. But I can’t. Can’t… what? Mmmmmmmmmmmmm I just want to scream and walk away.

edit: after reading this, I realise how negative it sounded. How negative it is, really. But just because I want to give up does not mean I will. No way. It doesn't matter if I fail, all that matters is that I finish, and prove to myself I can get through.

[jazcstuart]

Good news, everybody! It was my kitty’s 9th birthday the other day – HBD, Jazzy baby! (I’ve taken her collar off for a little and she’s sprinting up and down the hallway like a savage beast. As soon as I put her collar on again she’s gonna mope around and pretend she didn’t feel the call of the wild in her little predatory heart)

Look at her in a party hat! :D yaaaaay

Does anyone know the feeling of, no matter where you go, eyes on the back of your neck? That feeling like you’re being watched. All the time. Like the fuzz in your peripheral vision is hiding something. I dunno, I think they call it paranoia. Haha I’m paranoid right now. It kind of feels like the future is some sort of shadow, creeping ever closer whenever I blink. A Weeping Angel. And if I don’t keep my eyes open, it’ll grab me and pull me under before I’m ready. I know I’ve complained about this before. It’s a cycle. Sleeping’s hard. Studying’s hard. And I swear, English is about to drive me utterly insane. It’s like banging my head against a brick wall. AND THE EXAM IS IN A WEEK.

AAAAHHHHHHH

SWEET JESUS ALL I WANT IS AN 80, LORD HAVE MERCY

I KNOW THEY SAY YOUR SELF-WORTH SHOULDN’T BE INVESTED IN A SINGLE NUMBER OR ACHIEVEMENT BUT THIS IS 13 YEARS OF MY LIFE AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’LL DO IF I FAIL BY MY OWN STANDARDS.

And I’m going to fail. I just know it. I’ll get a 74.95 and it won’t be good enough because it was a twentieth of a point from what I would call an achievement for myself. Did I mention it was my cat’s birthday? Haha I am slowly dying what is wrong with me.

VCAA, I hate you. Thanks for diminishing my already dismal self-worth. But I can’t blame it on VCAA, because the responsibility to do well lies with me and me alone. But I can’t. Can’t… what? Mmmmmmmmmmmmm I just want to scream and walk away.

Aww that's so cute, happy b'day Jazzy! I'm honoured your cat is named after me (or am I named after your cat?  )

(Hope you don't mind me posting on your journal again  )
Sorry if this is unhelpful, and I know you already know this, but just keep remembering you ARE worth more, far more, than a number based on how you perform in a few exams over a few months of your 18-year life. I completely understand that there is so much pressure because, as you said, it feels like 13 years of schooling comes down to now, so it can be really disheartening if you don't achieve what you would have liked to. But one thing that really struck me about graduation at my school was that everyone was smiling and congradulating each other, because honestly the biggest achievement, no matter what marks we get in the end, is that we all made it. We finished our 13 years of school. And because of that simple achievement, we now have so many more opportunities available to us. Even if some of us don't reach as high as we wanted, there are so many other opportunities to achieve what we want in the future.

So I guess what I'm saying is to remember over the next few weeks, no matter what happens, is that you made it. Don't let aiming for certain marks or a particular atar make you forget all the other things you have achieved over the last 18 years of your life. Failure is NEVER a given, but even if you don't quite reach what you are hoping for, you gave it a damn good go! And you should be so proud of yourself for that.

[technodisney]

I have seen how hard you work, you are doing so well and are putting so much effort in. Regardless of whatever number they give you at the end of the year you will be able to say thats your best, and that is all that you can do, your best. Whereas I can look back on the year and regret not doing work when I could have you do not have that option, I have seen you work so well all year.

Keep pushing through, you've got this

WARNING INSPIRATION AHEAD

[/b]

[EEEEEEP]

Good news, everybody! It was my kitty’s 9th birthday the other day – HBD, Jazzy baby! (I’ve taken her collar off for a little and she’s sprinting up and down the hallway like a savage beast. As soon as I put her collar on again she’s gonna mope around and pretend she didn’t feel the call of the wild in her little predatory heart)

Look at her in a party hat! :D yaaaaay

Does anyone know the feeling of, no matter where you go, eyes on the back of your neck? That feeling like you’re being watched. All the time. Like the fuzz in your peripheral vision is hiding something. I dunno, I think they call it paranoia. Haha I’m paranoid right now. It kind of feels like the future is some sort of shadow, creeping ever closer whenever I blink. A Weeping Angel. And if I don’t keep my eyes open, it’ll grab me and pull me under before I’m ready. I know I’ve complained about this before. It’s a cycle. Sleeping’s hard. Studying’s hard. And I swear, English is about to drive me utterly insane. It’s like banging my head against a brick wall. AND THE EXAM IS IN A WEEK.

AAAAHHHHHHH

SWEET JESUS ALL I WANT IS AN 80, LORD HAVE MERCY

I KNOW THEY SAY YOUR SELF-WORTH SHOULDN’T BE INVESTED IN A SINGLE NUMBER OR ACHIEVEMENT BUT THIS IS 13 YEARS OF MY LIFE AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’LL DO IF I FAIL BY MY OWN STANDARDS.

And I’m going to fail. I just know it. I’ll get a 74.95 and it won’t be good enough because it was a twentieth of a point from what I would call an achievement for myself. Did I mention it was my cat’s birthday? Haha I am slowly dying what is wrong with me.

VCAA, I hate you. Thanks for diminishing my already dismal self-worth. But I can’t blame it on VCAA, because the responsibility to do well lies with me and me alone. But I can’t. Can’t… what? Mmmmmmmmmmmmm I just want to scream and walk away.

edit: after reading this, I realise how negative it sounded. How negative it is, really. But just because I want to give up does not mean I will. No way. It doesn't matter if I fail, all that matters is that I finish, and prove to myself I can get through.

Good attitude =).

Do not ever give up! Even if you feel like giving up, you can always give more (despite, what your mind says)^^.  Like holy moly, you've had such a crazy year, but you're still going at it. I'm really proud of you, for pushing through all of your struggles, despite the troubles that you have had .

PS, don't let your ATAR or  marks define you. They are only a reflection of how you did in one year in tests. Test marks do not reflect your worth, but rathermore, can change as a result of your current circumstances/situation!  There are people that have gotten sub 80 Atars, whom have done big big things.

[Poet]

First off, anyone's welcome to reply as much as they want to this journal. When I started it, I was happy to hear other people's opinions and experiences - that hasn't changed. This is a safe place, and a free space, so if anyone wants to have a say, anytime, I encourage it.

This one's a bit negative. Okay, so a lot negative.
Feel free to skip this one if you don't want to be sad.



Yeah. After walking out of that trial exam after writing two paragraphs yesterday, hiding the rest of the day, then crying myself to sleep last night, I’m feeling pretty empty. Like, I woke up this morning and just lay there. For hours. I only got up when my mother marched into my room and yelled at me for wasting valuable study time, which I’d told her I was going to use. And didn’t. She cleaned my hellhole of a room for me because I couldn’t do it myself. I hadn’t vacuumed in more than a month. My floor was covered in dirty clothes. I hadn’t brushed my hair in three days. Everything was covered with dust and I had left notes to myself scattered everywhere. She dragged me downstairs and force-fed me because I don’t want food right now, especially because of my braces – but also because I just don’t want to be here. Don’t get me wrong, I’m giving myself goals. Just focus on the time day by day. Hour by hour. Paragraph by paragraph. Mark by mark. But I keep fading. Looking out the window and watching the birds spin on wings I’ll never have. With freedom I’ll never win. And it frustrated me, and deflated me, and now I’m sitting here and wondering why I ever thought I could try. Thinking of the impact I could ever have on the world. Thinking of my place, and the reason I’m here. Thinking of thinking and why I have to think so much when others don’t seem to think at all. Would it be a better life, not having to think about my worthlessness in the scheme of things? Or a worse one, never knowing that I had no heroic end? I want to live for others, but this… thing in me - I guess it is me – keeps pushing back. It’s not a hole I can hang onto the lip of with my fingernails. This is walking on the beach, way out on the sand, and never realising that the tide rises around you until you look up and you’re there, all alone on an island far away from shore. And there’s no-one you can blame but yourself.

The panic keeps rising, like the water. I keep pretending I can’t see it. I tell myself it’s fine. The tide doesn’t come up this high. I can stand here and the cold will never touch me. But it does. It does, and does, and climbs up my spine and squeezes my lungs and clenches my throat and then my head is underwater and I’m drowning, drowning, and grounding, and drowning, and breathing but there’s not enough time because my nose is underwater and I can’t swim in this storm. Then time’s up. And I’m done.

The positivity is melting. It’s so hard. But there’s no-one I can blame but myself. “I’m excited for the finish!” I said. But why should I be? There’s no real future except this stupid tide flooding its markers again. And again, and again. I have times when I’m done fighting. Maybe this is one of those times. I need to rest, I need to breathe, but the black water won’t let me.

Wings. I need wings.

[PhoenixxFire]

You are not alone.

I actually knew the perfect meme to use in place of words but I can’t find it so I’m going to have to attempt to use words to convey emotion so bare with me lol

You are not alone.

None of us can ever truly understand what you’re going through, but we’re all right here with you. We’ll stay by your side through the night as the tide rises ever higher, and in the morning the sun will rise and warm the water that surrounds you.

Tides recede. This tide will recede. It may come back, but it will go again, that is the nature of tides. And every time the tide comes in you will be a little better at predicting it, you will have time to move to higher ground. And maybe a big wave will come and catch you unawares and drag you back under with it, maybe it will set you back a bit, but you’ll keep on moving. Higher and higher, until you can sit on the beach and watch the sun sparkle off the waves that were once so scary.

I love you Xx

still going to include memes though

[headsup]

poet. you just made me cry.....

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through.... no-one will ever truly understand.... just take the time you need to get over this. everyday is going to be better than the one before and we are always going to be to support you.... remember you have a family here. we support each other when times get rough...

most importantly. we will never give up on you. even when you feel that life has gotten too bad remember. always somewhere, someone has/is feeling the way you are.... everyone has there disappointments in life but the strongest ones my friend are the ones that get up to fight another day. the ones that face that fear. ones that will always know that somehow this will get better....

we believe in you. never feel that you havent made an impact. you have made a huge impact here.... you have always been positive as long as i have known you on here.....

believe in yourself. you can do this <3 <3

personal story - dont feel you have to read

At the age of 9 I lost my Grandfather to bowel cancer. He lived 24 hours on the other side of the world and I had only seen him 3 times. However, my mother and father went over to spend time with him before he passed away. They were still there when he passed away and to me as a 9 year old I felt like I was going to die. I locked myself in the bathroom at my grandmothers house and wept. I sat there for over 2 hours. I felt that my parents had abandoned me and that I was left to struggle through this world on my own. It took me weeks to come to the realisation that no matter what I did or what i said would bring my grandfather back...

it took me a long time but slowly I realised that in reality I was causing more pain for myself. i didn't need to do this to my self. i needed to rise above. and the way i managed to was by helping others. i learnt that in truth everyone else was struggling too. they all needed support. they all needed comfort.

to this day often I think of my grandfather. usually I cry when i do. but somewhere deep inside of me a piece of him lives on.... he was always happy everytime i saw him and yet his wife struggled with depression. to this day he is a role-model.... he was an achiever and there is no reason that you are not.

we all needed to overcome these obstacles.... life is never easy but it is about rising about the challenges and showing others you are a stronger person. never let others drag you down but know that the only reasons others drag you down is because you are better than them....

rise above the waves and know that deep down inside you this is not really who you are.... you are worth something. you are making an impact in this world...

thinking of you.........

[AngelWings]

Wings. I need wings.

Unfortunately, I can only offer support and my own wings (from my username).
And now I'm offering them to you.

Hope you're okay. You have a crazy amount of support behind you. You're more than welcome to PM me whenever to simply talk. 

[Poet]

I'm sorry for being so negative lately, everyone - while I've got my head above water for a little, here's an update:

So. Some very helpful person lended me their wings for the day, and for that I am grateful. You can have them back now, Angel! (But I’ll need them back Friday afternoon pls?)
Thanks for your encouragement all, whether that be via PM or post – logging in this morning just before I walked out the door to see an inbox inundated with lovely messages was seriously the most calming thing ever – where would I be without you guys?

Anyway, here’s the deal – WE DID IT, GUYS! Three hours of our lives gone, but we’ll never have to be so wasteful with our time again (when it comes to English (if we don’t want to)). I’m not feeling very confident – I feel like my arguments were shallow and weak, and I’m pretty sure I messed up ALL of my topic sentences, but I managed to complete the entire TR on I for Isobel, the language analysis (that poor café oml) and most of my comparative. Fingers crossed for a 35 in English, but I dunno. :/ I’m pretty proud of myself for only taking one break, but I also feel irrationally guilty for taking that break haha – I didn’t have special consideration so it cut into my writing time, but I know that without allowing myself that little bit of time to sit alone and breathe, it would have been an even worse outcome.

To be honest, I’ve been beating myself up about the “has-beens” and “coulda-beens” (geddit hahahahaha??!?) swirling around in my head, something I could have argued, a better sentence structure – but I also keep reminding myself that I did it. I sat through it and I wrote what I could, just like the 43,000 other students out there. It’s pretty difficult to settle down and focus on the next few steps (Bio and Further eek) but I’ll get through the best I can, with the help of free food, medication and extra hugs, and soon I’ll never have to worry about any of them again. None of us will. Pretty cool, huh?

Love you all. Thanks for being the best community I’ve ever been blessed to be a part of. 6/5 star rating <3

[AngelWings]

So. Some very helpful person lended me their wings for the day, and for that I am grateful. You can have them back now, Angel! (But I’ll need them back Friday afternoon pls?)

Whenever you need them, Poet, they'll be there.

Good luck for the rest of your exams! Hope the motivation stays strong within you for as long as you need it to!

[headsup]

Awesome job poet!!!!

I am sure that you will be fine and that the result will be better than you expect. Remember that you have done your best that you could and it is all over now.

Best of luck with the exam on Friday. Stay positive. Of course we are here for you.....

[Poet]

Underwater again. It’s funny how, when I think too much, I forget to close my lips and it slips into my lungs and then I can’t breathe; and I don’t have the energy to fight it.

Halfway through. That’s 50% of my finals over and done with. But I can’t stop thinking about what I could have done better, and whether I made a stupid mistake. I’m so mad at myself for letting the spiral happen again but the spiral isn’t a something, the spiral is me. But I guess I am a something, a physical substance, even though I can feel like a nothing. Honestly this sucks. I thought – hoped – that with every exam finished I would be another step closer to happiness, and all that. I don’t know if that will ever happen. If the spiral will ever change.

Some old friends have been in contact lately, and it’s kind of strange to see how much we’ve changed since primary school. The social dynamic, language choice, punctuation in writing, faces and bodies and lives – people move through life like it’s some sort of pool, swimming through the viscous liquid of memories and experiences, strokes strong and sure in some, fatigued and out-of-form in others. None of us are the same, but there’s still a familiarity and bond that may never disappear. But why is that? When so much has changed, do we base our opinion of someone from what we knew, or what we know?

But no matter how hard I think, I can’t ever know.
I don’t know why I’m hurting all the time, when I know I’m loved and cared for.

I’m broken, but no matter how hard I think, I’ll never be able to fix me.
Dammit.

[Erutepa]

Underwater again. It’s funny how, when I think too much, I forget to close my lips and it slips into my lungs and then I can’t breathe; and I don’t have the energy to fight it.

Halfway through. That’s 50% of my finals over and done with. But I can’t stop thinking about what I could have done better, and whether I made a stupid mistake. I’m so mad at myself for letting the spiral happen again but the spiral isn’t a something, the spiral is me. But I guess I am a something, a physical substance, even though I can feel like a nothing. Honestly this sucks. I thought – hoped – that with every exam finished I would be another step closer to happiness, and all that. I don’t know if that will ever happen. If the spiral will ever change.

Congratulations on getting this far (not long to go).
I am speaking from not much experience (and probably shouldn't even be giving advice) but... I think your worries about your exam performance is admirable and it shows that you care about succeeding and achieving your goals. You just need to direct that anxiety and stress as motivation for bettering your future performances and life. As my coach likes to say after a particularly bad performance: "I will give you your 24 hours to be mad and angry about your run, but as soon as that is over you must come back to the track and use that anger to train" and I suppose that little sentiment is applicable in most parts of life (There's probably a much more inspirational piece of poetry or quote which encapsulates the same idea, but I am uncultured and nothing comes to mind). You just need not let your anxieties stand over you and prevent you from moving onwards.
I honestly think it would be more worrying if you didn't care at all about how you went.

I’m broken, but no matter how hard I think, I’ll never be able to fix me.
Dammit.

Now, I don't think you are broken, but in case you are I do know some people handy with tools

[Poet]

Back to my safe place. Ramble-time.
Hey, Safe Place Inhabitants. How’re all y’all going?

I’m still not too good.
Still can’t think straight, still not hungry. I forgot to take my meds this morning and I have a huge headache. Had a really bad night last night and I slipped momentarily back into some habits I’m not happy with. Still in the slip, to be honest. Down, down, down. The darkness is bad. Clouding my vision and making me wish I wasn’t here, right now, trying to study things I probably won’t ever understand anyway. Occasionally I find myself spitting vitriol, not even conscious of the fact that I’m snarling at myself outside of my head until I see my reflection whispering hate in the mirror. It’s kind of shocking – like the animal inside of me is coming out and taking over, and I don’t even realise it until my view moves from the inside to the outside. I’m just trying my best to keep going. My eyelids feel heavy and I’m stuck in my own head all the time, even in my sleep. Nightmare after nightmare after nightmare. And then I wake up, and realise I’m kind of living the nightmare.

Anyway, I finished maths. That’s… 1.. 2…3… uhh… oh yeah I forgot about bio haha 4 down, 2 to go. So I’m trying to study for PE on the 9th right now, and Legal is the 14th. I’ve done a multiple choice and I ended up drawing a hippo between questions 13 and 14 because long words like proprioception reminded me of hippopotamuses. Or maybe I’ve just had hippos on the brain for some weird reason... Nevertheless, I have this panic that feels like it’s pressing against my collarbones, and a deep self-hatred pressing against the top of my skull and the bottom of my stomach at the same time. It’s not an animal I can train, at least not after 3 and a half years of trying, but I’ll do my best to cage it again. The lack of sleep is taxing, and the shame in feeling this way is too, but I’m gonna keep trying my best and maybe I’ll get there and be able to banish the negativity and exhaustion.

Look after yourselves, everyone. And congratulations to so many who are done with exams forever already!

[Bri MT]

Back to my safe place. Ramble-time.
Hey, Safe Place Inhabitants. How’re all y’all going?

<3 Very glad you're comfortable here

I hope that sometimes you can look at the negative thoughts that spring up and tell them that your ridiculous post to respect ratio is quantitative proof that *that* perception is not shared by us. You have quantitative proof that we're not ashamed of you, we're proud. We respect you so so much.

There are so many other ways that the perspective of that voice is flawed, a diverse range of things that we appreciate about you, and ways that you're clawing your way up, but having numbers to look at is nice (or maybe that's just the stem fan in me )

...I’m gonna keep trying my best and maybe I’ll get there and be able to banish the negativity and exhaustion.

Look after yourselves, everyone.

we're trying, and we're glad that you're trying too