ATAR Notes: Forum

General Discussion => Accountability and Motivation => Topic started by: Poet on February 24, 2018, 11:35:59 am

Title: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on February 24, 2018, 11:35:59 am
Well, hello! I'm Poet, the weird one with a penchant for music, art and philosophy. 8)

To be honest, I'm a little scared to begin this thread, but I feel I need to. It'll motivate me.
I'm a bit late to the party, but we'll call it fashionable. I'm currently in year 12, stressed, fairly put-out and honestly just really tired. Come to think of it, that's probably a description of a large percentage of the VCE population. ;)

My mission; to get through life, to keep running. My goal; to find the meaning of this damn marathon.

I ran out of paper in my journal the other day, and I can’t be bothered getting another book, so I’ll just write all of my stupid fancies right here. Maybe if I show the world how I feel, someone can answer my call? Anyway, it’s a first for me. :)

The following posts will be my personal journey, my thoughts and maybe even a little bit of poetry (hence the username!) It feels terribly narcissistic of me, doesn’t it? So…
Feel free to comment on anything I say. This thread isn’t just about me. If anyone has anything at all they want to say about their own life, what irks them, what inspires them in accordance to something I've mentioned, please feel free to write down your thoughts, your best times and your worst. The only rule here is no judgments, please.  :)

So, here goes. In I dive…


edit: Please realise that this is something personal and I am straining to be completely and utterly honest about my feelings and thoughts. It can get pretty dark at times, so please be careful not to fall into a melancholy mood by reading this. In fact, if you're prone to that, don't read this at all.
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on February 25, 2018, 01:49:08 pm
We create things to watch them grow, Ruin, she said. To take pleasure in seeing that which we love become more than it was before. You said that you were invincible – that all things break apart. All things are Ruined. But there are things that fight against you – and the ironic part is, you can’t even understand those things.
Love. Life. Growth.
The life of a person is more than the chaos of its passing. Emotion, Ruin. This is your defeat
.”
- Hero of Ages, Brandon Sanderson.

Ruin has touched my life more than once. Ruin has touched us all. Its icy claws scrape at our insides, damaging the very core of who we are.
Some worse than others.
It’s part of us as a race, part of humanity. Preservation, and Ruin. Two opposites, yet, at the same time, parallels. Life and death. Love and hate. I’m in so much pain so much of the time, and right now I feel like the darkness, the Ruin, is sinking its claws into me again. I thought I was home free, but now I feel caged, “Caught as a bird once free”.
Spiralling.
I would like to tell myself that it will pass, but after almost three years of chronic anxiety and depression, I know it will be a struggle to pull myself back up. All I can think about is the Ruin I bring to myself and to others, and how much I hate it. How much I hate myself.
I try so hard to be the person I think I should be; cheerful, helpful, loving. I try to act like I’m not selfish, like I’m not just looking for a way to pull myself up, to keep my head above the water.

Where will I be in a year’s time? Once I’m done with this goal of finishing my last year of schooling, will I realise what all of this sweat, all of these tears, are truly for? I work so hard, and for what? I’m still running, for which purpose?
I think I have part of an answer. Maybe.
Maybe I do it for others?
I cannot find a meaning in my own life but to hold others up, even if that very action pushes me under once again. Is it selfish, to want those I support to save me, even as they turn their backs? I feel selfish, even with the knowledge that every time I’ve held onto someone, they’ve hurt me almost beyond repair.

But back to this quote, I wonder; what is my defeat? Is it my own emotion? How will I overcome these walls I’ve surrounded myself with? Walls I’ve built up due to the pain I’ve experienced? They’re questions I continue to ponder, questions that hamper me, but also keep me sane.
So, until next time.

“If you want love, you gon' have to go through the pain
If you want love, you gon' have to learn how to change
If you want trust, you gon' have to give some away
If you want love, if you want love.”
- NF, If You Want Love.

Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on February 26, 2018, 07:57:27 pm
"Me and all my friends
We're all misunderstood
They say we stand for nothing and
There's no way we ever could
Now we see everything that's going wrong
With the world and those who lead it
We just feel like we don't have the means
To rise above and beat it

So we keep waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change"

- John Mayer, Waiting on the World to Change.
Spoiler

So, why do we wait? Why do we stand where we are, when we know that nothing will change if we don't use are own hands to forge the things we want and need? This is my guilt today. To know that, even though I am so privileged, so conscious of what is around me, so capable, I still do nothing to help.
Nothing to improve the my own situation, the situations of those around me.
The situation the world is in.
Well, as good as nothing.
I have no idea what I could do to make a *significant* impact, but I do know I could do something little. To give aid to those who need it. This is my goal. To rise above the lethargic insensitivity, perhaps even ignorance, that affects so many of us.
My mother has always held onto a picture of our sponsor child in Nicaragua as some of the good she does. I've volunteered to hand out food and supplies to the homeless in Melbourne city. All of these little gifts, these pieces of ourselves, our monies and our time, all add up into something wonderful, but... is it really enough? Is some meager hour per one-in-fifty people really enough to make a change in the world? I'm not sure, but I do want to hear others' opinions on this matter. Do you think what we do at the moment is truly enough?
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: prickles on February 26, 2018, 09:09:20 pm
I love how deep your thoughts are in this journal and how well you link them to issues and events that affect everyone's life. Keen to read more!
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on February 27, 2018, 08:50:26 pm
I love how deep your thoughts are in this journal and how well you link them to issues and events that affect everyone's life. Keen to read more!

Thank you, Prickles. It means a lot to me to know that others appreciate my deepest thoughts. :)

On a weirder, more existential note:

Today, I ponder something strange. There is no true song for what I feel. I usually have an appropriate one running about in my cranium, but this time it's empty of emotion and lyrics. Perhaps what's coming is too sensitive a topic for singing.
(This is your first and only warning: this is kind of a dark post. Don't read it if you don't feel like getting thrown into a really strange place.)

Today I ponder blood. There is no song for blood. Not for me.
It's so red, so bright with life, and yet red itself is the colour of anger, aggression, pain and distaste. Is this to deter us from seeing it? Is there an Almighty Creator who made it this way, was this coincidence by chance, or have we developed our feelings towards the colour red because of blood itself, and the dangers of its exposure?

I've been thinking about some really strange things lately; blood and religion. Religion and sacrifice. Sacrifice and selflessness. Selflessness and faith. Faith and blood. Circles, round and round in my head, like a Shakespearean tragedy. Coming from a Christian household, I've experienced faith. I know its security, the comfort a person can fall back on with the knowledge that, whatever happens, it is the decision of an ultimate power.
I no longer have this security, and I flounder. Especially when I see other's peace and contentment with their own situations. I guess it’s jealousy. I know what they have in their faith, I still go to church every week with my family. I see it in so many people. My parents (I have 2 of them, devout), my siblings (I have 4 of them, all devout), my acquaintances (I currently lack friends), the people I’m around and have been around every day of my young life. But I can’t have what I want to. I don’t believe that there is any form of ‘Being’ out there who can be capable of looking after me, of all people. I’m so hopeless – I do what I shouldn’t over and over again, I push away those who care for me time and time again. I’m not deserving of anyone’s love, let alone a supposedly perfect eternal Being. I want to find something, someone to lean on, but I’m afraid that I will blame everything that has happened to me on them as well.

I turn 18 in, what, three weeks? (March 20th, week 8. I have 3 SACs on that day, so it helps me remember.) And what have I done in my lifetime? Some people get shot through the head, survive out of sheer will, and make whole nations stand for their cause before their 18th. Some people have already made it as celebrities, singers and those who inspire, those who build, not tear down. Some are child prodigies, some geniuses, some lovers and some haters. I feel like everybody has their purpose but… me.

So, what am I doing with my life? I don’t feel like I’ve done anything. I don’t feel like I am anything. I lost my purpose when I lost my faith in a God that allowed me to be abused, a God that brought people into my life who would tear down every wall I had built up, get me to trust, and then pour kerosene on my very soul and set it on fire, leaving it to burn. I hate them, but I hate the God I trusted above all for letting that happen to me not once, not twice, but three times now. Three times where the people I loved, I still love despite myself, have turned around and shown their true faces, who have stabbed me through the heart and left me to bleed. Was I just too trusting? Yes, I was. But does anyone in a church really expect three child predators in a row to latch onto their child, in an environment as supposedly “safe” as a church? You see what I mean about “coincidence”.
But whose fault is that? Me, as a 13 year old, a 15 year old and then a 17 year old? The people who hurt me? My parents, for raising me into someone so trusting and loving? Or a God up in the clouds somewhere?

Why me?

I don’t know, and I hate not knowing. So I distract myself with music, with art, with work, with schooling as I fight to find meaning in something as feeble as a life like mine.
I guess I want to be able to trust again, even if I know that it will hurt me. I just wish life wasn’t so complicated. I wish I got a better lot, but if I don’t take it all, who else will be beaten down so hard they can’t even use the support of the faith they were born into?

So I think about red, an unfortunate, angry colour. My blood is all I am, a beating heart its pump. A mechanical cycle supporting a fragile body. A body that barely has the motivation to live right now, let alone forgive and forget. I will never forget what those men did to me, what they turned me into. Maybe my lack of forgiveness holds me back from a faith that tells you to “turn the other cheek”, but I cannot bring myself to forgive men who have red blood as mine. Red blood that can be flawed beyond belief.
And I cannot forgive any God who made these monsters of men.

And the circles in my head keep going, round and round and round.

PS: Damn, I’m depressing… sorry guys. I’ll delete the thread if anyone finds it too disturbing, but this is my journal now. I’m just writing my thoughts down.
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on February 28, 2018, 04:42:02 pm
So...
Sorry about the full-blown essay on the messed-up aspects of my life from yester-night.
Today I'm a bit better. I talked to my Biology teacher (amazingly wise man, awesome teacher, great confidante) and he made me feel a bit better about my mortality. Came home and ate cheese with Ritz crackers for afternoon tea. Thought it would help me focus but now my tummy is singing ‘kumbaya, lord, I want more’ instead of 'kumbaya, lord, kumbaya' and it’s really difficult to concentrate.
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on March 01, 2018, 09:39:20 pm
"We came out of the cinema
We were rubbing our eyes
Our mouths were dry from the sugar and the popcorn
And we felt a little guilty
About spending that whole sunny day inside
The movie we were watching
About Bonnie & Clyde
They were driving down a backroad
They thought they were home free
The police knew they were coming
They were hiding in the trees
And they shot 'em down
One hundred and thirty rounds
They shot 'em down

So we might as well say
What's on our minds
'Cause there's no waiting, no
When it's your time to go
When it's your time to go"


I love, love LOVE Vance Joy's new album; Nation of Two. His new songs are so poignant and beautiful, and this song, Bonnie & Clyde, is one of my personal favourites. Not just because of his voice, the chords strummed on that guitar, but also the message in this song: you never know when it's your time to go. You never know when you'll leave everything behind, so you might as well do the best you can with the time you've got.

This has been an idea I've struggled with a lot. We just go through the same routines, hour after hour, day after day, but we never really go anywhere. It's a rare person who actually does something significant every day of their life. But should I really feel bad to be one of the crowd, instead of one of the few?
I want to make a change before it's my time to go.
Now I just have to think really, really hard about what that change is.
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on March 04, 2018, 03:33:58 pm
So, call me old-fashioned, but I sort of like gardening. The sunshine, the plants, and yes, even the bugs. Unless they're spiders or earwigs. *shivers*
Anyway, lately my cucumber plants have been yielding vast amounts of, well, cucumbers. The chilies are reddening, the pumpkins are ripening and I can't seem to get the apples up and running, but that's okay, I'm going to grab a crab-apple tree at some point. I'm not sure what the strawberries are up to, but the buggers are spreading everywhere.

Then there's the sunflowers.
I love sunflower seeds, and we have the native birds (cockatoos, rosellas, lorikeets, and a heck of a lot of pigeons and doves) that love them too. The sunflowers themselves are huge, glorious bundles of bright yellow, of joy. When I first started growing them, I thought they'd never die.
But after only a few days their beauty fades, and they wilt, their heavy heads tilted down and their thick, vibrant stalks paling to a sickly greenish-yellow. Their broad leaves eaten away by the pests of the garden. Things that live off of the lives of others.

So, what is their purpose? To live, of course. Is that not the purpose of everything in this world? To live a good life?
It's what I used to think.
But then... why do they die so quickly? They live so brilliantly, so beautifully, and then they just... die.
I sit here contemplating the outer beauty of these plants, and how temporary it is. I guess beauty is temporary in everything; eventually, all fades to dust. Flowers included. But then, after a few weeks of seeing only death and disappointment in something I worked so hard to maintain, something wonderful happens: The seeds, hidden in the corpse of something that was once beautiful and alive, become large and distinct, ready to fall to the fertile ground and grow once again.
And then I realised; no, the purpose of these plants and their brightness, the joyful yellow of their petals, was not for beauty's sake; it was for the next generation. Out of one plant, a thousand more fall and grow. And out of those, hundreds of thousands. But the brightness and the joy of these flowers was to attract pollinators; bees, ants, flies, and more, things that would give life to the future generation of the plant. That thought hit me really hard. The fact that animals and plants, in their struggle to survive, find ways to carry on the generations of their species, to help little pieces of themselves survive.
The purpose of their lives is not for themselves, it's for others they don't even know. Their children.

I know I'm personifying sunflowers, but it's for a point. I guess I just realised that, as a race, us as human beings are selfish. We care more about our own survival, our own personal gain, than the gain of those in the future, or those around us. Not many of us are willing to pay the ultimate price, give all of our energy and resources until the point of death, to others. We can try, but ultimately we as a race follow self-preservation, not species preservation. The world is slowly dying; faster now because of us.
Is self-preservation, a want for something more, a flaw? Or is it just our consciousness, our knowledge of our own self-worth, our intelligence and value as individuals, that makes us this way?

And why, if we have an instinctual knowledge of our personal value, why can I not feel my own worth as an individual?
I wonder.

So I'll just sit and chew in this like a cow chews its cud, over and over again.
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on March 06, 2018, 08:35:57 pm
This entry is a lot more like a normal journal, a lot less of the normal existential mumbo-jumbo. I'm feeling pretty down-to-earth tonight.

So, some pretty good news: I did my first English SAC, a text response on 'I for Isobel' today!
This was really great, because for the past two years my English grades have slipped from A+ to Cs and Ds due to my anxiety because I would literally stare at the essay question sheet for the first ten minutes, start internally screaming and at some point start that little silent crying thing that people do at ANZAC memorials while I tried to write. I would have to stop so many times because I would lose my train of thought really quickly and start panicking, or I’d be leaking tears at an alarming rate and I’d have to wipe my eyes every two seconds. So, just finishing the essay today was a huge achievement, and I feel really uplifted and excited. For the first time in ages, I feel like maybe I can do it, and even though I feel my arguments were a bit sketchy, I didn’t even cry once! Ha! As long as I completed it, that’s good.

So, some pretty sad news: my sister has been officially diagnosed with depression.
My poor parents. They never did anything wrong, their kids are just... depressed. Like, all 5 of them, probably. :-\

This really hurts, and... I'm just writing out my thoughts as they progress... Why her? I thought I was meant to carry the weight, I thought it was my job to worry. It sounds like a selfless profession, but tbh I'm being selfish. I'm making myself feel better about my problems with the knowledge that it's "my" responsibility to think about all of the issues and problems with life, and that's why I feel like I do.
I probs just want attention. Maybe that's why I'm writing this on a public forum haha.
Great, now I feel selfish. Anyway.
She's 20 now, and in second year uni, and I love her so much. She was always the sister when we were little who would take my hand and drag me to the most exciting places. We’d get lost in the supermarket together, dance in puddles together. I have a lot of cool scars from our outdoor adventures together, but happy ones. She was always the one I looked up to; more than my mother, more than my father. My big sis was real, amazing, flawless. She was my idol. She still is, but as we got older, I realised she wasn’t flawless. She’s only two years older than me. She is still a person, albeit one that I’ve placed on a pedestal. I never really thought about the way she'd been getting quieter lately, and although I missed her when I didn't see her for days on end, I attributed it to her workload of 5 units at uni, the units of a perfect, beautiful scholarship student.
I put her on a pedestal, and she fell right off. Not in a way that she could help, of course, but in a way that made me realise, finally, that somebody I have known for my entire life is not who I thought she was. She's changed from the girl that used to yell at the bullies, hug me and tell me it was okay when I got the chicken pox.
She's grown up, and she's left me behind.
And finally, in one of the most important issues in her life, she left me out.
She knows I was diagnosed a year ago, so maybe she was afraid it would trigger me in some abstract way? Or maybe she just didn't think about me at all. I know, I know I'm just being selfish - the world doesn't revolve around me. Other people have issues of their own, worlds of their own, and I'm not involved in about 99.9999% of it all. But.
It doesn't stop it hurting, to think that she doesn't seem to really trust me anymore.
The knowledge that she was always holding me up.
And I was always pulling her down.

I just don't even know. Speculation isn't working for me. I'm devastated for her, but almost equally devastated for myself and the lack of trust, honesty and confidence I'm getting from my own sister. I don't know what to do with her anymore. I don't know what to do with myself right now, and I'm trying to study but I'm a mess.

edit: I don't feel like I'm describing it very well; I'm coming across as self-centered, but I believe it's more a feeling of abandonment. She was an anchor for me, and now I'm just bobbing aimlessly on the waves....
It's really difficult to describe.
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on March 07, 2018, 05:49:31 pm
Another journal entry. Hopefully Existential Crisis-y Poet has gone on a holiday for a little bit. She gets a little strange. :P
Then again, this is Anxious/Depressed Poet, so I'm not sure which is worse.

(ALSO THIS IS A REALLY SENSITIVE ENTRY, so just be chill 'bout it. I feel like this a lot, and I need to put it out there. I'm just spewing words onto the screen rn, PM me if you're concerned, and I'll explain in more detail or whatever.)

I had P.E. in first period today, and it was actually really creative. We did high jump and shot put in order to better understand the summation of momentum, etc.
When I was in years 7 to 9, I was always the one getting into division one high jump. Jumping was my thing, until another girl in a younger year level picked it up when I got too busy in year 10 onwards. Sure, I could run too, still can, but the jumping, that was the thing I prided myself in.
Anyway, so we got to the high jump and everyone is taking their turns over the 1200 bar, which is pretty low. I was like, “ah yes, this’ll be a piece of cake. If they can do it and I did it, it’ll be simple.” So it was my turn, and I ran up to the jump and leaped like I have done so many times, envisioning myself gliding over the bar and then…
My back hits the bar.
I fall to the mat and land in disbelief, wondering how I could miss something that was once so simple to me, and everyone else in the class seemed to be able to do. I was embarrassed, but sure it was just a fluke, so I tried again. Same result. I rolled off the mat and stood up. I looked at the jump, and how low it was, and I just lost it. I began hyperventilating and tears just started streaming down my face and I quickly walked towards the bathrooms. The teacher called out, asking if I wanted to try again, but I just shook my head. He couldn’t see me crying, and I hope nobody else did, but I barely heard him because my brain was talking. It was going, “oh, yeah, that was great. You thought you could do that, didn’t you? ‘Piece of cake’, you thought. Everyone else can do it. It’s not like you’re absolute shit at everything. It’s not like this is proof of your USELESSNESS ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME YOU BITCH? YOU DESERVE TO DIE. YOU PRIVELEGED IDIOT YOU ARE SO THICK YOU THINK YOU’RE OKAY AND YOU’RE NOT BECAUSE YOU DON’T DESERVE IT YOU’RE NOT WORTH IT WHY DON’T YOU JUST GO OVER TO THAT CORNER AND DIE IT WOULD BE BETTER FOR ALL OF US” and stuff along those lines, just more… violent.
High jump isn't fun anymore, to say the least, haha.

It’s in these times that I hate myself the most, because I feel so much like even the little things are just proof that I’m not worth it, that I don’t deserve the life I live, or to live at all. I hate feeling as if I can’t control my own thoughts, that I have to fight against them with a conscious effort, like I’m arguing with myself. I know it’s not normal, but every time I go for help, it only makes me think about it more. I've been to three separate psychs. I know.
I used my special breathing technique and stopped hyperventilating, but for the rest of the day I’ve been really fragile (I cried in English, my spare and math because I would hear someone laugh and think 'why can't I do that without faking it?') and I'm just so full to the brim with self-hatred. I hate myself. I hate the work I do. I hate that I can't be better than what I am, and even when I try I'm still mediocre. In the things that I got inspiration from just yesterday, I look at and just know that it's not enough, that I'm not enough. That anything of beauty or worth is not meant for 'someone like me'.
Now, I know logically that this isn't true, and that constantly obsessing about my own situation and internal insults isn't going to help anyone, most of all me. But emotionally, this is where I am. I feel like I have no-one to hold onto, and those I thought could have helped me last year betrayed my trust for no particular reason.
I have no answers, no conclusions, and it's driving me crazy.
I just want it to stop.

I do have to wonder, however, if anyone feels the same way, or has felt that way in the past... Others have to have felt the same way... right?
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: heids on March 08, 2018, 05:42:55 pm
I can relate to a hell of a lot of this.  My thoughts are equally dark, equally bloody, and equally existential-crisisy.   My brain, too, shouts at me: "YOU DESERVE TO BE SLICED INTO SEVEN HUNDRED PIECES AND FED TO THE DOGS! DIE!!!" when I do or think the slightest thing wrong.  You're definitely not alone in this haha.
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on March 10, 2018, 11:32:33 am
In response to some people's feelings about why I'm doing this, as well as a long conversation with myself, I feel as if I have to explain this journal in a bit more depth. So, here's what I have to say:
The purpose of my writing here is NOT to gain respect points, or to try and push myself into people's lives. Granted, I can feel invisible a lot of the time (doesn't everyone?), and granted, that feeling makes those respect points extra juicy (yum), but this does NOT mean that I am posting my inner world here to get respect or likes of any form.
I don't care what you think about me as a person. I don't care if you feel uncomfortable knowing that the world isn't perfect. If you don't like what I write about in this journal, don't read it. It's that simple.
ATAR Notes is a place where I can come to help others and get help myself. It's an outlet, a place where I can just breathe out all of my troubles anonymously and freely, school-related or otherwise, but also support others who do the same. I don't care about the respect, I care about lifting people up and helping them become the best students and people they can be, while at the same time benefiting from another's contributions. I should not feel like I have to justify myself and what I feel here.
To clarify, I'm not taking an aggressive stance to anybody. I'm merely stating how I feel, with the hope that people might understand that this thread is not "for the likes", it's for my own motivation and well-being, and I pray that people can comprehend that.


... *and after the rant* ...

Whell, hello. Sorry about that y'all, but it was needed.  ::)
If you've read my previous post from march 7th, you'd know that high jump is something I cannot seem to do, and I find this extremely embarrassing. So, imagine the irony when I learned that I was signed up for Open High Jump on our school's athletics day in a week... huh.
I'm also doing 100m relay, 400m, three-legged race, year 12 various joke sports, and shot put because it's my last year and I wanted to even if my arms are flippin' spaghetti and NOBODY CAN STOP ME. Also I'm 5'8 and look really angry about 94% of the time (angry is actually my thoughtful face, but meh) so nobody wants to tell me I can't do something. ;)
More updates on that in a week. We’ll see if I can get to the division competitions, huh? (LMAO as if).

Anyway, lately I’ve been feeling a lot more motivated in subjects such as Physical Education and Biology, but a lot less motivated in Further and Legal Studies, which is probably a good thing because I transferred into 3 & 4 P.E. without doing 1 & 2, and Biology is just damn complicated. But it’s also a bad thing because, well… I need to keep all of my subjects in order, not just one or two, and our teacher in Legal is a little bit… well, he’s really, really old. His voice makes me feel like going to sleep because he’s just so quiet and gentle and ANCIENT and I can never concentrate in class, which is terrible.
I’m waiting for my marks on my English essay, and I’m so stressed about the mark I’m going to get, but it should be about C+ - B worthy, so I think I’m okay.

I feel like I’m on a bit of a hiatus from all of the other weird thoughts going on in my head, and I’m glad for it. I want to keep it that way.

The events of last night: my little brother (13 y/o, bless his gangly soul) invited me to a church event that his friend invited him to in the city. The traffic in Melbourne is INSANE this weekend, with Ed Sheeran and Moomba and lord knows what else all on at the same time. So we caught a bus in with a bunch of other teenagers and met up with hundreds more and basically just vibrated and screamed a lot because the music was loud and funky and the guy on stage kept shouting “JESUS!” and the crowd would reply with “JESUS!” just ten times louder.

It was wild.
Look, I don’t count myself as Christian (see previous posts), but the atmosphere in that building was crazy. I’ve been going through the motions of going to churches and knowing the lyrics and singing and volunteering like a good little child of God for years now, but I just feel empty.
The sermon at this youth group was on how we were valued by God, and it made me really... angry. I stood and clapped and sang and moshed and waved my arms around when everyone else did, but, to be completely honest, I was furious. I was in a room full of hundreds of people my age, older, younger, and almost all of them were there because they love the God they were praising so fervently. Was I the only one there that felt like I wasn’t worth it, that - even though the preacher was telling me I was loved by the God of everything - still didn’t believe it? In fact hated the god he was praising?
The preacher told the congregation that none of us were mistakes, because we were loved by God.
Well, here’s my dilemma: If I was hated by that God, if He didn’t really care about me, then what is my life worth compared to others’?
The answer: I am nothing.

It’s times like those that I feel at my loneliest, my lowliest, because I know, I just know, that if the people in that room knew my thoughts in that moment, they would have pushed me out onto the streets and left me there in the cold. Because I realised what I was, what I am:
A pretender.
I don’t have the strength to say one or the other, or to pull away from my family’s firm beliefs. I don’t have the mental fortitude to forgive a god who lets his people hurt each other, or to deny any faith in such a god entirely.
I am lost, and no God can find me.
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on March 12, 2018, 02:41:15 pm
The following is a short poem-ish thing from the artist Peter Deligdisch. I don't know why, but it really spoke to me, so I wrote a poem in response...

Here's the original poem:

Spoiler
There was a lump that inched along,
it inched along all day.
And as it crawled it hummed a song
its song and skin were oh so grey.
I tried to ask it what was wrong,
but it could never say.
It had no mouth, it had no lungs,
and so I walked away.

So long it crawled,
so long it tried,
to reach its destination.
Its song it drawled,
It's heart, it sighed,
there was no consolation.

And here's my response:

Spoiler
Today, I stay
with this lump of grey,
bumping along on its own.
And as it bumps,
I hear its song,
its mournful, heavy tone.
I cry for this lump,
and I cry for its sadness,
the heavy tone now my own.
as I, now a lump
wonder what will become
of a heart wandering alone.

A heart like mine?
Perhaps, it's true
I'll never find a home.
But as I wander
I find a friend,
in the inching lump
of monochrome.

It's stupid, and my prose and rhythm suck, but I'm coming down with a sickness of some sort and I really do feel like a lonely, mournful grey lump today. A lump that inches along towards an unknown destination, slowly but surely.
I'm a doomed lump if I can't finish my math homework, anyway. ¯\_(⊙_ʖ⊙)_/¯
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on March 14, 2018, 07:37:15 pm
Just a short entry today, a sort of word vomit thing.  :P

Gotten through another day. Another hour. Another second. Just breathing my way through.

I was flipping casually through scans of works I had done in previous years this afternoon (I know, I should stop procrastinating, but I'm sick and tired and my motivation levels are sub-zero) and I stumbled across one I had done just after turning 15. Crazy to think that was three years ago. Anyway, I attached the scan below, and you can check it out if you want, but it's a small drawing of a male Superb Blue Wren (a.k.a. Fairy Wren), a common bird, yet extremely elusive in my efforts to photograph them; they're so quick!

The drawing isn't the best. It's simple and, (not to sound arrogant, because I'm not the best artist out there!) I've improved a lot since drawing that, but I still see it in a fond light. It's a memory of something I've almost forgotten the past few weeks, and a reminder of the joy I know in nature and my need of it to soothe me.

I drew the wren in a time when I was absolutely infatuated with birds and other wildlife. I was going through a difficult point in my life when I was only just beginning to think for myself, and realise that maybe what my parents believed didn't line up with what I knew, and my own beliefs. What I know. I have always used things like art and philosophy and reading to distract myself from my thoughts and fears, and so this obsession with birds, as a phase, was really just another thing I could use to escape my reality and my regrets.

I've been really frustrated and angry with myself lately, and I think it's due to the fact that I just haven't... breathed enough. I've been locked up indoors for weeks studying, and now I've fallen ill I'm finding it really hard to focus and concentrate, and I'm slowly falling behind in my work again. I don't want a repeat of what happened to me in years 10 and 11, but I'm beginning to see a pattern in my behaviour and my moods. From here, it's only a matter of time before I fall again. I need to find a good method of escape once again, and I want to find it in nature. Maybe I should start a thread and put some of my drawings up there. I was thinking of doing sketches again. I haven't picked up my sketch pad in weeks, so maybe just taking the time to let out what's in my head and try and depict what's around me can help me pick myself back up and keep myself accountable for work and study. What do you guys think? Maybe I can start a thread in the Creative Corner and put up my sketches, show how I'm improving?
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: PhoenixxFire on March 14, 2018, 10:21:00 pm
What do you guys think? Maybe I can start a thread in the Creative Corner and put up my sketches, show how I'm improving?
Definitely ;D
It looks awesome.
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Yertle the Turtle on March 14, 2018, 10:31:21 pm
Maybe I should start a thread and put some of my drawings up there. I was thinking of doing sketches again. I haven't picked up my sketch pad in weeks, so maybe just taking the time to let out what's in my head and try and depict what's around me can help me pick myself back up and keep myself accountable for work and study. What do you guys think? Maybe I can start a thread in the Creative Corner and put up my sketches, show how I'm improving?
Really nice sketch, that wren, way better than my ones at the moment :P Keep it up, they look great, post for sure. If you want to check out mine, they are in my creativity gallery... but still not as good as yours! Great job, mate!
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on March 18, 2018, 10:41:56 am
Well hi all,
Definitely ;D
It looks awesome.
Really nice sketch, that wren, way better than my ones at the moment :P Keep it up, they look great, post for sure. If you want to check out mine, they are in my creativity gallery... but still not as good as yours! Great job, mate!

Naw, thanks PhoenixxFire and Marv (now Yertle, if I'm not mistaken, but I'm still going to call you Marv haha) that's a huge encouragement. I'll have to start up a DeviantArt.  :P <3
BTW I love your work/photography, Marv. It's wonderful <3
I'll see if I can scan some of the works I've done in my old art book that got waterlogged. Luckily, most of the drawings are okay, so we'll see. :)

So, we had our athletics day Friday, and I was a ghost (Clyde) from Pacman. It was fun. Got minor sunburn. Ate food. It was nice.
I'm still recovering from that weird cold thing I had, so I was still fairly weak. But I did the 100m sprint, 400m, high jump, student-teacher relay, and I forget the rest, I'm so tired.

Anyway, so I did high jump, and I couldn't get over because I can't jump (Which we've established 3 times now haha) in the first place, and I'm veritable spaghetti even before I get sick, so I kept landing right on top of the bar and now my back has bruises all the way down... ouch. My poor spine. :(

Went to a party last night, so that was fun, but it also means I need to study more intensely for my SACs next week. Aaand unfortunately, because I was one of the only sober ones there, I had to deal with drunk friends. (No vomit, thankfully, but a lot of stumbling around and crying about boyfriends) Good thing about that is I now know what kind of drunks they are haha (one’s a clown, one’s a tired drunk, and one’s an emotional drunk…)
But on another note:

I was thinking about something the other day, something that really stuck with me.
First impressions and outward beauty.
Do we ever really think deeply about people when we first see them? I'm a 'people watcher', so sometimes I just sit and watch people go by, wondering who they are and where they're going, and what their lives could be like. But when I make up their stories, I always use my first impression of them - their appearance and their expression, their clothing and what they're eating or buying, how they talk and how they walk. Everyone knows that first impressions aren't everything, but we still judge people by them. Perhaps it’s an instinctual survival method? I guess we know to avoid some people due to first impression, but with others, we can be just plain mean. I know so many wonderful people who I didn’t think much of at first, but after getting to know them from their inside, not their outside, I’ve realised that they are some of the most beautiful people I may ever meet.
It frustrates me to think that we can so easily judge someone who’s just having a bad day. To be honest, I’m not the prettiest of individuals, (yes I’m ugly, but we can’t have pretty without ugly, so that’s how I justify my existence haha) and I was wondering if people judge me for it, because I have no beauty on the outside… Well, what about my inside? What about who I am? Should we really think it is okay to make immediate judgments of people merely because of how they look in that moment, on that day? How do we know who they really are? If we judge them and as a result tend to avoid them, will we miss out on opportunities for friendships and relationships with people? I know some stupidly attractive individuals, and their hearts can be so cold and cruel. Is this because of something? Do they think they’re better than everybody else? Do they need to make up for people’s positive first impressions? Or am I just placing them in a separate basket to the rest of the population? There are average-looking people who can be downright nasty as well. So then, why do we instinctually separate the perceived “pretty” from the “ugly”? This happens in every culture, every country, and every person. Racism, sexism (from both males and females), homophobia, all the “-isms” and divides are things based off of first impressions and how we were taught to perceive the world as children. Consequentially, it is what we teach our own children as we develop opinions and divides for ourselves.

So my goal for the next week is to try and not make judgments of people based solely from first impressions. Maybe we can all try to work on that. It’s a romantic concept, to think that the world might be a better place if we didn’t judge people straight away, but I just want to make an attempt and see.

I better get back to my P.E. revision. ;)
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on March 19, 2018, 08:12:27 pm
"Who says you gotta have it all figured out
Who says you'll never feel alone in the crowd
Who says you gotta be like everyone else
Who says? Who says? Who says?"

- Joshua Micah, Who Says?

Who says I'm not enough?
Who says I have to feel the way I do?
Who says I'm abandoned, alone?
Only me.
Nobody else.
Only me.
What's in the past is in the past.
And now I say I am enough.
Now I say I am valued.
Now I say I will never be alone.
Because I am loved and I am wanted.

I'm holding on with all I've got, and I will never let go.
And neither should anybody else.
Because everyone is loved and everyone is wanted.
Nobody is abandoned, nobody is alone.
It might feel that way sometimes, especially for those like me who struggle with depression, but you're not alone.
Hold on.
Even if you see yourself as a nobody, others will always see you as their somebody.
You are here for a reason.
Don't leave before you find it.


Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on March 21, 2018, 06:59:45 pm
It's been a terrible last few days for me.
Mentally, I've been in a really bad place, and I'm just trying to pull myself out.
The last post on this thread is one I made when I was in the deepest part of my self-hatred.
I try so hard to be strong. For myself, for others.
Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
But it's a lot easier to post a smiley on the internet than to actually pull your face into a real one.

My 18th was yesterday (thanks for all of your birthday wishes, guys!), and I got some amazing presents: a Sony portable speaker, a pen made out of Koa wood from my grandmother (who lives in Hawaii, crazy old duck) and even a glass pen, which I'm almost afraid to use because it's so beautiful. A lot like this one but with a light blue sparkly strip all the way up the middle instead of a jellyfish, and the handle spirals as well:
Spoiler
(http://firespider.glass/media/testimonials/legal_ink.png)
(https://media.giphy.com/media/1FWmifGfXg06Y/giphy.gif)
The problem is, with all of these expensive presents and people paying attention to me, I felt (still feel) like I'm not worth it.
I know I shouldn't but I can't help feeling panic: what if they discover how useless I really am? When will they regret what they've done for me? Why are they paying so much attention to me? It's just another day; I'm not special, I never was. I'm not special.
I hate anxiety.
I mean, I blame it on the diagnosis, but I know it's all in my head.
I'm the person responsible for the anxiety.
I hate me.

I had a panic attack at school when one of the only people who knew it was my birthday yelled out to the whole cohort that it was my birthday then started singing. I literally bolted out of the common room, because I just couldn't deal with all of the attention, and then just sat in a corner hyperventilating and trying not to cry. What is wrong with me? People were just being nice, and I can't just accept a stupid birthday song?? Luckily people understood and stopped our homeroom teacher from calling me out, but it was stressful and I feel upset and ashamed.
Why can't I just be like everyone else and deal with it? How come I have to be the one who people think is 'stuck up' and 'too good for the rest of us' because I push everyone away out of my own self-doubt? How am I meant to explain that depth of thought to someone who is practically a stranger when I can't even make myself say "I love you" to my own parents?

To clarify, I do love them, more than my life. I just can't say it out loud. I can't let them know how much they mean to me, and not even I know why.

I don't know why writing is so different. I don't know why I can't make myself speak about the love I have for others. I don't know why I'm so ashamed of myself, why I can't deal with attention, why I aim so high but fall so low. (Bombed my Biology SAC yesterday, can't understand 50% of the info for my math SAC tomorrow, etc., etc...)

I'm an adult now, and I feel like such a failure.
Why?
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Calebark on March 21, 2018, 07:21:29 pm
snip
I need to get something out of my system first: holy fucking shit that glass pen is rad!

I'll just start by saying that you're secretly_a_poet. Nobody else is, and nobody else ever will be. Just by being you, you are a special person. You don't need to excel in every area of life to be special, or to have solved a great mystery -- you're still just a teen. But it doesn't mean you can't be special just by being the way you are. I know it's a difficult pill to swallow -- I struggle with this myself, so please know you're not alone in that.

I think I need to say a few more things aswell. It's not 'all in your head'; anxiety is a real and debilitating illness, so please don't blame yourself. You wouldn't blame yourself for a broken leg, so why blame yourself for anxiety? You are not your struggles. There is nothing wrong with you -- this is very common, especially amongst youth. You'd be surprised at the amount of people you talk to regularly on AN feel the same way! I also feel it's important to say that you don't need to explain yourself to anybody. You shouldn't have to justify yourself if you don't want to. It's your business, and the business of those you choose to share with.

You're in a very difficult point of your life, but it doesn't mean you'll be here forever. Next time you have a panic attack, please try this: start breathing deeply. To yourself, name five things you can see. Deep breath. Name four things you can feel. Deep breath. Name three things you can hear. Deep breath. Name two things you can smell. Deep breathe. Name one thing you can taste. Deep breath. It's called grounding, and I use it to calm myself in stressful situations, so please give it a go.

I don't have anything else to say, other than to please seek medical help (if you are not already), and to keep on chugging -- both in life, school, and on AN :)
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Yertle the Turtle on March 22, 2018, 07:33:25 am
Look, I know it's not easy to talk about this kind of stuff, so massive respect to you! I've only recently started to understand the feelings you talk about here, but I do now, so I just want to encourage you to keep going. Be yourself, and be proud of yourself, knowing that you are 100% unique. You are special, and we care about you here on AN, even though we have probably never met you. If you have any problems that you can't get out to people close to you (and I 100% understand that), we're happy to give support. If you ever start to panic, just give yourself some time and space to calm down, and just breath, as Calebark said. And never be ashamed of yourself, it is a very bad path to go down. I've been doing it since we lost our volley-ball GF yesterday, and it's not great.

Just remember, we are behind you, all the way! :)
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on March 24, 2018, 08:35:40 pm
I need to get something out of my system first: holy fucking shit that glass pen is rad!

I'll just start by saying that you're secretly_a_poet. Nobody else is, and nobody else ever will be. Just by being you, you are a special person. You don't need to excel in every area of life to be special, or to have solved a great mystery -- you're still just a teen. But it doesn't mean you can't be special just by being the way you are. I know it's a difficult pill to swallow -- I struggle with this myself, so please know you're not alone in that.

I think I need to say a few more things aswell. It's not 'all in your head'; anxiety is a real and debilitating illness, so please don't blame yourself. You wouldn't blame yourself for a broken leg, so why blame yourself for anxiety? You are not your struggles. There is nothing wrong with you -- this is very common, especially amongst youth. You'd be surprised at the amount of people you talk to regularly on AN feel the same way! I also feel it's important to say that you don't need to explain yourself to anybody. You shouldn't have to justify yourself if you don't want to. It's your business, and the business of those you choose to share with.
Look, I know it's not easy to talk about this kind of stuff, so massive respect to you! I've only recently started to understand the feelings you talk about here, but I do now, so I just want to encourage you to keep going. Be yourself, and be proud of yourself, knowing that you are 100% unique. You are special, and we care about you here on AN, even though we have probably never met you. If you have any problems that you can't get out to people close to you (and I 100% understand that), we're happy to give support. If you ever start to panic, just give yourself some time and space to calm down, and just breathe, as Calebark said. And never be ashamed of yourself, it is a very bad path to go down. I've been doing it since we lost our volley-ball GF yesterday, and it's not great.

Just remember, we are behind you, all the way! :)

I cannot thank people on AN enough for your undying support and love for an absolute stranger. Thank you so much for sticking with me. It means so much to me to know that, even when I feel my very worst, a total stranger can make my day with a statement like this. :) (@Yertle/Calebark/miniturtle/Mada/PhoenixxFire/everyone else who’s so supportive, thank you!! 💕)
Also, who's going to the lectures in April? Kind of want to do a meet-up… Looking forward to seeing people there. >:D <-- guys I found a new face!!
And @Calebark, holy fucking shit I know! I've played with it a couple times already, and it draws fantastically. I'll see if I can post a work I've done using it over the holidays on my fledgling creative corner thread... :)

So, back to me again (selfish, I know…)
I've been on the upside of the downside the past couple of days. I feel like only people who've experienced depression might get that term, but it basically means I'm still sad and fighting with myself, but I'm up and around and can deal with it. It's frustrating, especially when I was at the opening of the exhibition my artworks are in today, when your own brain is basically screaming at you to "BREAK THROUGH THE GLASS AND SET FIRE TO THAT MESS YOU'VE LABELLED AS ART BECAUSE IT DOESN'T BELONG ON A PEDESTAL LIKE THAT YOU DON'T DESERVE THE PRIDE THESE PEOPLE HAVE IN WHAT YOU'VE DONE IT’S NOT EVEN THAT GOOD NOW GO DIE".
And so, as a result of this internal screaming, I'm applying for the council's annual Art Prize. Take that, brain.

My goal of not judging people by first impressions this week has proved to be a difficult challenge.
I have a very strong instinct about a lot of people due to some past experiences, and so even though they may be completely innocent and only remind me a tiny bit of someone or something I don't like, I wish to avoid them. This is most often a useless instinct, albeit one borne from a pure want for survival.
Unfortunately, one of these people is our newly inducted school principal.
I don't know what it is - he's an old guy, seems nice enough, a bit tired and a little grumpy - but I just want to get out of his way and sprint in the opposite direction. He terrifies me. I swear I'm not doing anything wrong, but he makes me feel guilty when he just walks into the room, or if he says hello I kind of stammer an obscure response and get the heck out of there going "OH GOD I'M GONNA DIE I'M GONNA DIE HE'S GONNA KILL ME" like the poor guy is standing there holding a bloody machete to my throat.
I don't get it? He's never done anything to me. I find no association between him and anyone else I don't trust.
Which is a lot of people.
Am I just paranoid? Am I scared he's going to learn every dirty little secret I have? (Which is literally a total of two and they're not even that bad: “yes sir, I’m sorry sir, I’m fricking 18 and I’ve never been kissed, and I want to really badly. Not by you. Also, I don’t like the way you run assemblies…” What a terrible secret.) Am I afraid that he's going to do something to put me in the spotlight somehow?  Embarrass me? Mess with my head like so many others I thought were better than that? Or am I seeing something that no-one else does?
What the heck is wrong with me??

I need to learn how to trust again. I need to learn how to hold people close even while knowing that they’re going to hurt me one day. This isn’t about the principal of a stupid school, it’s about everyone. How I judge people so quickly, how I know I have to heal.
I have to fix myself.
I have to find a damn way to hold people close again. Because I need it as much as they do.

And I can’t do it. I can’t. I try so hard, yet every time someone comes around and hurts me again, it just makes me shrink right back into my pathetic little shell of distrust.
Sometimes it gets so frustrating it just makes me want to scream.
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on March 28, 2018, 09:51:04 pm
I dedicate this entry to a certain Star-Bellied Sneetch currently bumping about Times Square, New York. I know you read this journal. Don't deny it. Come back to Australia soon, or I'll steal your IT homework solutions.

News from the wild side. Good news, actually.
It’s been a hektik week. Along with the hundreds of other tests and pains this week I’ve got a Legal Studies SAC tomorrow; I am feeling pretty good about it.
Got 82% on my first P.E. SAC, which I’m happy with. I didn’t do 1/2 and I’ve been struggling with the concepts on physics and biomechanics (e.g. conservation or summation of momentum? Huh??) So I now know what to improve in and although I made some stupid mistakes I can understand what I did wrong and how to improve.
Also go 30/40 on my English TR SAC, which came as a bit of a shock. I did better than 80% of my cohort – I was praying for a C, so this was a great surprise to get given a B+ and a quiet “well done” from my teacher. One of the comments was “good use of quotes to establish coherent something-something” and I didn’t remember what I’d written, so I went through my essay and counted the amount of quotes I’d used in the first body paragraph.
I used 14. In a single paragraph.
That’s a lot of quotes, and I don’t even remember doing it.
*pats herself on the back*

However, I can’t help feeling like I need to do more. It’s been established, after years of laborious writing, sweating and *definitely legit* research, that I am in fact a mediocre student who wishes for better than the marks she gets; a better person than who she is.

I know I’m not perfect – nobody is perfect – but I can’t help striving for perfection. Is this a natural human response to failure and imperfection? I don’t know. Some people seem to think it’s okay to get a 50%. They seem to live for what is considered ‘failure’, and they don’t seem to care. For me, although ‘mediocre’ is a common occurrence, it always hits me really hard. I’m constantly beating myself up over that one mark, or that one ambiguous statement. I know I shouldn’t, but I do.

I think about what I could have done, not what I can do. And I feel I need to fix that.

Fix is a word I use a lot to describe things about myself. Like I’m ‘broken’ and I need ‘fixing’. Or I have a wrong perspective or a confusing feeling about something and that needs ‘fixing’.
This one is different. I know that logically, if I was going to fix anything, it would be this.
It’s so much easier to focus on the negatives; I’m not pretty enough (or pretty at all, for that matter), I’m not good enough, I’m not strong enough, I’m not worth it, I don’t deserve the life I live.

The life I love, even as I hate it. What a confusing feeling.

Maybe (just a small thought) I should try focussing on the positives. I do this as part of my daily routine: I roll out of bed, look into the mirror, instinctively grimace and then think the conscious thought, beyond the screaming in my head, that “I am enough.”

Not beautiful.
Not smart.
Not perfect.
But enough.

Even if I don’t feel it now, I am enough.
Everyone is enough.

I might feel lost and alone, but I truly am cherished. I just have difficulty believing it in my heart, where it matters. And I’m sure I’m not alone in this.
I might be mediocre academically, or feel that way no matter how well I do, but I am better than my marks in school or the comments I make without thought, the self-hate that spews out of me like a river of blood.
I might hate everything about myself, and never look at a mirror without flinching, but at least I can know, logically, that people love me no matter how I feel about my physical appearance, my marks or my thoughts.

I have friends who care. If I am enough for them, maybe I can be enough for myself.
I feel so lost, but I can hold onto those who care for me.


Song of the day: Lost Boy by Ruth B:
Spoiler
”There was a time when I was alone
Nowhere to go and no place to call home
My only friend was the man in the moon
And even sometimes he would go away, too

Then one night, as I closed my eyes
I saw a shadow flying high
He came to me with the sweetest smile
Told me he wanted to talk for awhile
He said, "Peter Pan, that's what they call me
I promise that you'll never be lonely," and ever since that day

I am a lost boy from Neverland
Usually hanging out with Peter Pan
And when we're bored we play in the woods
Always on the run from Captain Hook
"Run, run, lost boy. " they say to me
Away from all of reality

Neverland is home to lost boys like me
And lost boys like me are free
Neverland is home to lost boys like me
And lost boys like me are free”
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on April 05, 2018, 05:43:27 pm
Really looking forward to the VIC lectures this weekend! It's going to be really good to solidify some info with the help of ATAR Notes. Thanks fam.
Also it'll force me to keep up my personal hygiene. I tend to get a bit lax about that when I hermit my way through the school holidays.
I end up looking like Radagast the Brown (include the bird dookie encrusted down the side of my face).

(https://i.imgur.com/DXztj56.gif)

On another note.
I have received some (actually many) messages from those who have read what I write in this little journal of mine, and I wanted to thank those who wrote for their encouragement and understanding. I know I'm not alone in this struggle, even though it can feel like it sometimes (a lot of the time), so having complete strangers tell me that they understand, or have gone through similar, and can relate to much of what I have written in either past or present tense, is a bright spot in the otherwise dark world of my mind.

And to Calebark (and anyone else interested), I have tried the grounding technique you mentioned and it can be really helpful in stressful situations/during an anxiety attack. The first time I tried it I couldn't remember it all, though, and then I started panicking because I forgot the last two!! But I'm okay now haha! Note to self: memorize the whole thing before trying it and getting stuck in the middle.
Quote
start breathing deeply. To yourself, name five things you can see. Deep breath. Name four things you can feel. Deep breath. Name three things you can hear. Deep breath. Name two things you can smell. Deep breathe. Name one thing you can taste. Deep breath. It's called grounding

I have found that another outlet I use to calm down is just getting outside and into nature. I think I've talked about this before, but it's my motivation journal so I may get a bit repetitive in my comments about things I do to be motivated and "make it" through high school. (Sorry!)
I went bush-bashing (not actually wacking bushes - it's basically off-roading but when you're walking in the bush, following wombat tracks instead of normal trails, getting cobwebs and spiders caught in your hair, tripping over mossy logs, all that good stuff) with my family a few days ago. It was the most fun I've had in ages, just getting out into the cool serenity of a forest and breathing in the damp air. It was like I was living again.Like it was the first time in months that I had really been able to just bring my guard down and let the quiet of the forest calm me, cleanse me. I’ve been so stressed and so busy and so brimming with confusion and conflicting emotions, and I just needed a chance to let it out.
Granted, I still have a lot bottled up inside. There are things the forest cannot take from me. It’s why I write. But this was a really good stress reduction strategy, and I’m glad I went. Now I’m knuckling down to work again, I miss it and I’m finding it hard to concentrate on my work after only 4 days of rest. I live in a beautiful place with a reserve and wildlife just outside my window, (no seriously, there is a large gum tree with a branch close to my bedroom wall and the possums piss me off at two in the morning) but I just don’t feel it’s the same. I live in a world full of people – is it bad for me to just want to be alone, truly alone, for a while?
But then, at the same time, I realise that I’m lonely. Maybe that’s why I’m finding it so hard to concentrate right now. I mean, I’m annoyed by my siblings and the myriad noises they make, but at the same time I don’t know what I would do with myself if they were gone, if I didn’t have someone with me, whether I like that person or not.
I feel like I would go crazy.
But if I stay here, I'm going to go crazy as well.
So, what does a girl do?

I'm lying to everyone - even myself - left, right and center, telling everyone I'm doing fine, or good, but isn't that what we all say? It's the generic answer to the generic 'how are you', isn't it. I don't think anyone has ever answered my casual 'how are you?' with 'I think I'm going insane'. The 'how are you' is a greeting of strangers at the supermarket; one is looking for the canned tomato and the other stands in their way. It's a way to get someone's attention, when we ask that question. It's like people don't really care any more. No, it's not even a question anymore. It's a statement, engineered to get someone out of your life as fast as possible.

A part of me wonders what would happen if I answered truthfully to a stranger's question one day. I've known friends to answer 'not so good' before, and I would help them the best I could, but I've never really found the confidence (in speech, it's a lot easier to write imo) to tell anyone but my mother that I'm not feeling well. I can't even tell her how I'm hurting. Maybe it's because I find it so hard to describe with speech. Like, how am I meant to walk up to my mother and say "Hey, Mom, I have depression and I think I should get help for it"? I mean, that's exactly what I did, and my life is somewhat better for it, but it's so, so hard to open up to people.
But everyone needs to at some point, and I need to now.

Maybe then I won't feel so lonely, even when I'm surrounded by people who know and understand, and tell me they care.

And then, maybe I can find a place to be alone without incessantly screaming children ferals and not go crazy with my own thoughts.
I wonder if I'm an introvert? ::)
Ugh.

It's going to be kind of crazy, going to these lectures the next couple of weeks and possibly seeing people who have actually read this journal. About 3 people in my life, total, are all I have ever told about how I feel.
I guess this is part of me stepping out into the open, even if it is a weird way to do it.

Song of the Day:
Spoiler
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on April 08, 2018, 05:38:16 pm
I don't know what I am doing here. I don't know if that was existential or not?

I'm tired.
Okay, let's see what I'm thinking...

Went to the Further Maths lecture yesterday and the Biology lecture today, and boy was it exciting!
Okay, so maybe exciting is a weird word for it, but damn those lectures were on point. I got a lot from them. Kudos to Brady and Katherine. Especially Brady, who had to deal with a time-crunch due to some technical difficulties for the first half-hour and still managed to get through a lot. Also someone told him his hair looked bad. What a lie, guys, it was on point.

I'm feeling really drained today; basically just trying to stay on my feet. Well, I'm sitting, but figure of speech.
I'm leaving the house at 6 tomorrow morning (up at 5:20), and I've had to deal with Hurstbridge Line disruptions while getting into the city these last few days, so I've been leaving early every morning since Friday and then going straight to work afterwards. My days have been from 6 - 11, and it's been a little crazy, especially for someone who needs her sleep. I am not a morning person, no matter how pretty the sunrise gets. (I mean, there's a sunset too, right?)

Thankfully, I have been able to deal with my general anxiety about social situations/public transport/strangers/everything over the past few days and so I can make the sure statement that the lectures and the LaTrobe Open Day I went to (on Friday) were extremely enjoyable.

It's my mother's birthday today, so I printed out the photo of a kookaburra I took last week and got her a World Vision card. My big sister and I got her a goat that's not actually hers but it kind of is.

I do need to wind down after the madness of the past few days (and tomorrow, and next weekend...), and I have a favourite Youtuber for that. His voice is literally the most calming thing I have ever found myself experiencing, even if he does go a little off the rails sometimes.

Have a few videos of my favourite artist doing cool things with a glass dip pen/s (@Calebark, I chose all the glowey ones)
Check it Out!

He makes me feel like I can actually do something with my stupid life and just not care what people think of me, which I do. A lot. But try not to. A lot.

I can't think. I'll post much more eloquently when I can get some decent food (haven't eaten anything but free food and a packet of musk sticks for like 3 days) and a bit of rest.

Bye, my peeps.
Bye for now.
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on April 10, 2018, 12:20:04 pm
Hey all.
I’m really in a bad place today. Don’t even know what I’m doing here, tbh. I went downhill like a penguin on ice after I got home last night and I’m just doing my best to hold on and give myself time and a place where I can’t do anything I might regret later (that means sitting at the kitchen table all. Damn. Day).
It’s really hard, though, and I’m not able to eat anything either. I feel like a wilting flower.
Existential Poet is back as well. Yay for her. So here’s something that’s been buzzing around in my mind for a little while (literally).


Atoms.
Only 5 letters to make up our universe. And even those simple 5 letters are made up of atoms.
The word is such a short one, but so full of meaning. So full of everything.

Atoms make up the world we live in. They make up our houses, our food, our families, us. But they are never seen. We can only guess what an atom looks like; it is silent, it is mostly space, it is what gives us life. But atoms are not sentient. It’s not like they care about being a part of life, the breath that fills our lungs, the blood in our veins, the clouds and the rain. It’s just what they do. It amazes me that a substance so much a part of everything can be ignorant of the fact that it… is.

Maybe we are like that. You know, us humans tend to be selfish and ignorant. Not in a bad way, of course – maybe the better word is naïve – but we all just float about like atoms or scuttle about like ants, following the pheromone trail to whatever destination we believe can give us the best chance of survival.
A lot of us, however, are more like atoms than ants. At least ants know to carry their food back to the nest to feed the colony and look after the next generation. At least ants know to guard their homes and stay loyal to their queen until the day of their death. Atoms have no mind, no instinct. They just drift until they are caught up with billions and trillions more, making something so beautiful. Something they will never see for themselves, for they have no eyes, no ears, no minds and no soul.

So then, where does our soul come from? The personality, the higher level of thought, the emotion and the sympathy. The love and the laughter. The pain and the hate. We are so much more than base creatures like ants, beautiful though they are. So, should we not act like it?
The world around us is dying. We are dying, slowly but surely. And we, like simple atoms that make up a whole, are ignorant of the role we play in it. It’s like so many of us don’t even have eyes – can we not see the torture our world is going through? Can we not see the impact our inventions and explorations have on the place we call home?

I watched a documentary a couple nights ago on NASA and the journey to Mars. The people who spoke in favour of the Mars exploration initiative made comments on finding a “new world” for us to populate. But this could never be the case – it should never be the case. Instead of pushing forward to the very limits of space, wondrous as it is, we should be working to conserve and protect what we already have. Earth is a piece of careful glass-work found in the gutter – so random, so fragile, and a one-in-a-trillion gem. There’s no place like home, and we should always do our absolute best to keep it in good repair. So why do we act so mindlessly, wasting resources and ruining our planet?

We are not atoms. Granted, they are what make us, but we have a soul and a mind to act upon concerns with. We need to cradle this glass-work gently and easily, but we never really seem afraid to break it, even as it cracks under the pressure we place.

It’s just something I think about, and something we should all think about. And act upon.

Song of the day: Rachmaninoff Piano Concerto no.3 Movement 1.
Spoiler
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Yertle the Turtle on April 11, 2018, 10:23:26 pm
Song of the day: Rachmaninoff Piano Concerto no.3 Movement 1.
Spoiler
I agree, it's beautiful. Do you know the 2nd Piano Concerto? That takes piano music to the next level, strongly recommend it.

Definitely agree about the way the world is made, and how we need to act. I greatly respect the fact that you can put that kind of stuff down on paper, I know I can't. I'm loving the additions to the forums you are making as well, keep it up! :)
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on April 11, 2018, 10:29:20 pm
I agree, it's beautiful. Do you know the 2nd Piano Concerto? That takes piano music to the next level, strongly recommend it.

Definitely agree about the way the world is made, and how we need to act. I greatly respect the fact that you can put that kind of stuff down on paper, I know I can't. I'm loving the additions to the forums you are making as well, keep it up! :)

Yes, the 2nd Concerto is beautiful. Rachmaninoff's pieces are all so emotive, almost aggressive - like waves or a storm. An unstoppable force of nature. I should probably get on the Classical Music thread at some point.
Him and Mozart are some of my personal favourite artists (funnily enough, I'm listening to Mozart's Piano Sonata No. 16 atm.) :)

And thank you, although I'm not really putting this down on "paper", haha!

edit: Oh! I forgot Chopin! ;)
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on April 12, 2018, 07:48:46 pm
And after actually writing the post: I need to apologise for the sheer amount of complaining in this entry. I should probably rename the thread “Poet complains”.

And by some sort of miracle, I'm still here.
Hey guys. I hope y'all are doing alright. VCEers ready for the next round? HSCers happy it's almost the holidays? :,)
Going to a psych at some point in the next few days (again, this'll be my fourth psych, hopefully they are better than the last few) but I'm good. It can be so, so difficult to just stay upright and think positive, but I do the best I can. I haven't been eating or showering or doing much at all save for sitting in this one spot and rocking back and forth like some weird loop of Gollum when he realises he's lost his ring, but I'm alive...
And this thread as an outlet helps.
Actually, ATAR Notes in general really helps. It gives me something to do, something to read, something to be interested in, something to learn, and the people on here are like a slightly bonkers extended family. So no matter what's going on in my life and in my head right now, at least I can go on here and find someone who needs help, or a little piece of encouragement. And helping people always makes a person feel a little bit better about themselves. Maybe it's selfish, but it's an outlet.

I don't know why I've been so down. Typically, there's a trigger. Maybe I just don't want to go back to school, or maybe I saw something/someone that I was not expecting to, or maybe I ate too many dumplings, or hell, maybe I'm just a terrible human being. I mean, why not. The dumplings bit would explain my current aversion to food, but who knows. All I know is that every time my siblings make noise (legit 24/7) or I need to get back to work or I start to go to my bedroom and then get denied I'm like:
(http://68.media.tumblr.com/a791de4d18137f18eb3fcb8fec364669/tumblr_nyaflyCmok1rxrsevo1_500.gif)
Note this meme is for heartbreak - I don't even know what a 'romantic' is, so let's ignore that fact and just say yes, I want to lie down and not even breathe, because that is just way to much effort.
And yet somehow I've managed to write the first paragraph of my Language Analysis. I guess I’m eager for punishment.
For the past week I have been constantly second-guessing myself or telling myself I can't do this, can't do that, this is too hard, that isn't worth it. It can be so hard to just hold your head above the water. And it can be really frustrating to be doing so well and then slip back again. And I know I shouldn’t but I still blame myself for everything that goes wrong, but I do.

I keep losing track of my thoughts as well. I mean, I’m distractible enough already, but then the listlessness just take it all away. Every time I write maybe three words to a sentence I’ve had to pause and try to work through exactly what I was just going to say. Hence, I’ve been trying to write this post for over 4 hours. And this paragraph just took me almost 10 minutes.

So, thanks for being here, AN. I don’t know where I was going with this post – I feel confused and alone and sad and frustrated with myself – but I’m thankful for this community. I guess that’s all that matters, even when I feel like someone’s pulled the curtains over anything that brings light into my life.

Song of the day: Final Call - Vexaic. Totally matches my mood haha
Spoiler
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: turinturambar on April 12, 2018, 11:06:38 pm
I watched a documentary a couple nights ago on NASA and the journey to Mars. The people who spoke in favour of the Mars exploration initiative made comments on finding a “new world” for us to populate. But this could never be the case – it should never be the case. Instead of pushing forward to the very limits of space, wondrous as it is, we should be working to conserve and protect what we already have. Earth is a piece of careful glass-work found in the gutter – so random, so fragile, and a one-in-a-trillion gem. There’s no place like home, and we should always do our absolute best to keep it in good repair. So why do we act so mindlessly, wasting resources and ruining our planet?

I generally agree with you, but I don't see it as an either / or.
Earth is a beautiful, amazing place, and the idea that if there's a disaster we can just hop over to the moon or Mars and start over is crazy.

At the same time, space exploration is a tiny proportion of government budgets, it continues our species' urge to discover and explore, it lifts the human spirit, and the research done for and in the space program has often been able to be used by all of us on earth as well.
Yes, we could do a better job protecting this earth, but I don't think gutting the space program would do anything to help this.
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: turinturambar on April 12, 2018, 11:12:20 pm
And after actually writing the post: I need to apologise for the sheer amount of complaining in this entry. I should probably rename the thread “Poet complains”.

Being able to write things out can be incredibly liberating, and as humans we like to share stories.  And it's great to read that others have had the same experiences and thought the same things as you.
I wouldn't worry too much about the feeling of complaining.  Write what you need/want to and people who care about it will be happy to read it.
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on April 14, 2018, 08:55:01 pm
Being able to write things out can be incredibly liberating, and as humans we like to share stories.  And it's great to read that others have had the same experiences and thought the same things as you.
I wouldn't worry too much about the feeling of complaining.  Write what you need/want to and people who care about it will be happy to read it.

Thank you! <3

Hang on a second guys, I just gotta give a lil rebuttal to this statement before I begin:

I generally agree with you, but I don't see it as an either / or.
Earth is a beautiful, amazing place, and the idea that if there's a disaster we can just hop over to the moon or Mars and start over is crazy.

At the same time, space exploration is a tiny proportion of government budgets, it continues our species' urge to discover and explore, it lifts the human spirit, and the research done for and in the space program has often been able to be used by all of us on earth as well.
Yes, we could do a better job protecting this earth, but I don't think gutting the space program would do anything to help this.

It's definitely a good point you bring up, turinturambar; we as a species love to test the limits, push ourselves, discover, and this boosts moral and, as you have said, "lifts the human spirit" (I wear braces developed from metal originally used by NASA, there's your fact of the day!) However, I never said that we shouldn't explore at all, or that we should shut down the space program entirely; I merely spoke of the detrimental impact that something such as the Mars initiative (purely foolish exploration to see if we can make a new home on Mars after we trash Earth) is having on our planet. And as you have said, that plan - to repopulate, let alone thrive on another planet - is outright crazy. No, ‘gutting the space program’ would not be the answer – the majority of what they do is fantastic. Bringing the plight of our beautiful Earth to the forefront, making people aware of our dying world, is. :)
This is just to clarify my previous statement, hopefully I haven’t offended anyone at all.

___

Hey AN community.
Today was amazing; I actually managed to mentally prepare myself and step out into the unknown with legs that only shook slightly (thanks, anxiety) and get to the lectures early. Weirdly enough, I feel like AN is currently my sole motivation – I wouldn’t be up and around in the city if I didn’t feel AN mattered, haha. Actually, I feel like with the help of some people on here, I’ve been able to pull myself up a little more out of whatever’s been holding me down. Enough to get out of the house and see people, anyway. I'm not sure about school (and the people there) quite yet.
Stupid dark spider webs. They’re so sticky. So messy and complicated.
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to untangle myself without a couple still clinging to my back.

Met with some fantastic people (Joseph41, the ‘anonymous but amazing new friend I hung out with who will remain anonymous but amazing’ and insanipi *honorary mention to insanipi’s sister*! (I did keep an eye out for other AN people but I guess you guys weren’t where I was)) and I felt really encouraged by this. After working so hard, both physically and mentally, to get to the lectures in the first place, I felt welcomed and excited to learn and be there where I knew the people I was seeking out wouldn’t judge me for just who they saw physically, which is a lot of what I worry about.

It also gave me the confidence to eat a little bit of free pizza too, so at least I've eaten a little something of substance in the past two days. You guys proud of me? It's progress. A little bit, but I'm going places haha

Can't wait for tomorrow's Legal lecture with Karly. I'll see you guys there. :)
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on April 16, 2018, 10:25:49 am
So Karly's lecture was amazing, I loved the cute animals every fifth slide. I got a lot out of those lectures, it was really good.
*now let's begin the rant*
And guys, listen; Nick's hair is amazing, and I will begin a punch on with anyone who begs to differ. And I will win, for Nick's hair's honor.
What is with AN people and bagging ATAR Note's staff's hair, anyway? They did it with Brady as well, and his hair was legit on point. If you're going to bag anyone's hair, bag mine because it never stays in place, but leave them alone! What did their hair ever do to you? Make you feel inferior? Because I wouldn't be surprised. Harrumph.
*rant over*

Today's been really bad. Like, really bad. Woke up this morning and physically couldn't get out of bed for almost forty minutes, even though it's the first day back at school. Actually, because it's the first day back at school. Dragged myself downstairs and immediately began to cry because I didn't want to go to school and see people who make me feel terrible about myself. I'm still struggling to eat, so I'm beginning to feel pretty weak and I know I have to but it's just really hard and it takes ages to actually work up the motivation to put the food in my mouth. That being said, I'm going to the doctor tonight to get my referral and some help with whatever's going on in my head right now, because I'm a bit stumped as to how to help myself. All of my methods are failing - even drawing at the moment, which never happens, but it's like I'm intent on not making myself happy.
Also, it's extremely difficult to eat and wallow in misery at the same time, and I seem to be intent on the latter lately.

By some miracle, I'm now sitting at our school library and the year eleven next to me is just being really nice but it's sort of awkward because I'm just silently crying and trying to do my work and he's asking me questions about my holidays like I'm not just sitting there crying and trying to do my work.
I don't think I'm going to be able to go to my classes this afternoon. I'm in a spare right now, so I'm okay with that, but I just don't know if I'll be able to mentally deal with seeing the people I've been avoiding.

What frustrates me most is that I truly thought this year would be better, or different somehow. Year 12 is the end, and I can get out of here as soon as I finish my exams. I've kept myself so busy with schoolwork and actual work and running about, but now I just don't know. I'm trying so hard, and for what? What does it matter? I'm going to end up in the dark again no matter what I do. I'm here now.
I've experienced this before - but for some reason I just can't pull myself out, and once again I hate myself for it. But I guess I'm just finding any reason to hate myself. I go out of my way to hate myself, and that isn't normal, and I know it isn't normal. But I hate myself anyway.

I sincerely hope that nobody else feels this way right now, but if you do, get help. Seriously.

I have nothing else to say.
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: PhoenixxFire on April 16, 2018, 12:20:30 pm
*now let's begin the rant*
And guys, listen; Nick's hair is amazing, and I will begin a punch on with anyone who begs to differ. And I will win, for Nick's hair's honor.
What is with AN people and bagging ATAR Note's staff's hair, anyway? They did it with Brady as well, and his hair was legit on point. If you're going to bag anyone's hair, bag mine because it never stays in place, but leave them alone! What did their hair ever do to you? Make you feel inferior? Because I wouldn't be surprised. Harrumph.
*rant over*
Have you seen Nick's latest snapchat? There's a few people for you to fight there >:( and I'll help you

On a more serious note (not that insults to Nick's hair aren't serious), It's great that you're going to the doctor, I really hope they can help you. Just remember that set backs are normal and you will get through this too. We're all on your side, let me know if there's anything I can do to help

Here's a cute picture of my dog
(https://i.imgur.com/YzOOmhh.jpg)

and one of my cat trying to fit into a basket
(https://i.imgur.com/7pgtean.jpg)
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: K888 on April 16, 2018, 02:39:43 pm
Can confirm that Nick's hairstyle doesn't have the approval of the mod team
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on April 16, 2018, 02:50:06 pm
Can confirm that Nick's hairstyle doesn't have the approval of the mod team

(https://orig00.deviantart.net/a41d/f/2015/175/2/0/for_real_bish__meme_by_lalabell7-d8ylagb.jpg)

1v1 me


Oh, and update: I'm home now. And I managed to stop crying for long enough to eat an egg (thanks to Calebark)
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on April 17, 2018, 08:28:22 pm
Have you seen Nick's latest snapchat? There's a few people for you to fight there >:( and I'll help you
Umm, no (don't have a phone haha) but he told me, and I have to say I am extremely disappointed with some people. *cough K8 cough*

On a more serious note (not that insults to Nick's hair aren't serious), It's great that you're going to the doctor, I really hope they can help you. Just remember that set backs are normal and you will get through this too. We're all on your side, let me know if there's anything I can do to help

And thank you. I hope so, too. :)
I really appreciate it. I'll be sure to ask you for leg-ups in Biology if I need any haha ;p  💗

---------

Official diagnosis as of last night: mixed anxiety and depression. Again.
I was congratulated about this which I found extremely amusing.
On the plus side, I know the drill with this and I know I can push through eventually.
The downside: I have been diagnosed with mixed anxiety and depression. Again.
Last time it took me a full 6 months to pull myself up to the point where I could trust again.
Looks like Year 12 is gonna be a bit of a repeat. RIP my ATAR.

At least I know how to deal with my feelings now (mostly). It’s just difficult to find the time to draw, craft, hike or read – and even then, when I have the time, I lack the motivation. As I have said, sometimes I’m intent on hating myself. Avoiding things that I love and know will help me through is definitely a part of this, something I need to improve on.

My old drama teacher is a beautiful person; he’s almost like the informal, untrained and unqualified counsellor at our school, because nobody likes the actual counsellor. He’s a huge nerd about comics as well, so I can talk with him in detail about my favourite characters and DC arch stories and he still knows more than me.

Why is fantasy so much easier than reality? Books and dreams? Is it because we wish for idealism, perfection? Sometimes, good endings are nothing more than mere fiction. I hope with all my heart that we will all one day find the ideal.

But for now, sorrow closes in, like a tightened fist around my heart. Guilt and grief intermingled.

”You will only ever have two choices.
Love or fear.”

I chose not to fear long ago.
But sometimes your fears can come back to haunt you.
And in the end, who am I to stop them?

A slave to the Machine
The world spins
And I am stuck
In its gears.

Song of the Day: Home, AK & Mapps.
Spoiler

Poem: Do not go gentle into that good night, Dylan Thomas, 1915.
Spoiler
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: EEEEEEP on April 17, 2018, 08:57:52 pm
Umm, no (don't have a phone haha) but he told me, and I have to say I am extremely disappointed with some people. *cough K8 cough*

And thank you. I hope so, too. :)
I really appreciate it. I'll be sure to ask you for leg-ups in Biology if I need any haha ;p  💗

---------

Official diagnosis as of last night: mixed anxiety and depression. Again.
I was congratulated about this which I found extremely amusing.
On the plus side, I know the drill with this and I know I can push through eventually.
The downside: I have been diagnosed with mixed anxiety and depression. Again.
Last time it took me a full 6 months to pull myself up to the point where I could trust again.
Looks like Year 12 is gonna be a bit of a repeat. RIP my ATAR.

At least I know how to deal with my feelings now (mostly). It’s just difficult to find the time to draw, craft, hike or read – and even then, when I have the time, I lack the motivation. As I have said, sometimes I’m intent on hating myself. Avoiding things that I love and know will help me through is definitely a part of this, something I need to improve on.

Hi there =)

You'll get through it, with the support of your friends, family and counsellor! The dark times may be here, but they'll get brighter ^^.  You're already doing yourself a favour by seeing the counsellor.

As for your ATAR, you might be eligible for SEAS
Quote
Demonstrate through your impact statement how your medical condition has impacted on your education. To assist in your assessment, include details about how the circumstances have adversely affected your ability to study, access educational facilities and resources, attend school or tuition regularly and perform in assessment tasks.
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on April 17, 2018, 09:02:55 pm
Hi there =)

You'll get through it, with the support of your friends, family and counsellor! The dark times may be here, but they'll get brighter ^^.  You're already doing yourself a favour by seeing the counsellor.

As for your ATAR, you might be eligible for SEAS

Hey E6P, thanks for your encouragement and recommendation. <3
I've been talking to my careers counsellor about SEAS, and I'm going to apply. Hopefully, my ATAR won't be too adversely affected - I'll still do the best I can - but it's a 'just in case' scenario. :)
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on April 21, 2018, 03:05:27 pm
M-rated for Melodrama warning - it's actually how I feel, but the Poet's definitely come out in this one.
Sorry, guys.


Motivation - nought. The chasm has opened in full.
I find myself falling, falling, an endless void beneath me. Will I ever touch ground? And when I do, will I get the chance to feel the firm earth before I’m lost once again? Will I be injured by the force of my landing?

A nightmare, confused, alone.

Sleepless nights and sleeping days,
Cold, unfeeling, harsh as blades.
Words like fire upon my skin, breath of dragons, closing in.
Predators hunting in the night, always felt, but not by sight.
A heart that beats a little too fast, a feeling that will only last
As long as I am still awake,
So sleep, little one, know you are safe
From the monsters in your closet and the terrors that await
That alight on your shoulder like ghostly little fingers
Their touch light but their burden weighty,
Memories, oh cold memories.
Memories; to sleep I go,
Clinging on to love I know
Will ever die, and never return
For me, abandoned, left alone.


Oh, to dream without fear. To give without worry. To love without anxiety. To tell the world that though she can be cruel, I still care for her.
I’m so confused with my own thoughts right now. Around and around my head as I lie in bed. I feel cold, as if I’ve bled myself out. But there’s nothing but my mind, my thoughts, my tangled hair and room strewn with belongings not in their place.
If cleanliness is next to godliness, I am literally on the ninth level of Hell.

A sickness, a certain obscurity, has found its way into my veins. Pure darkness twists like thorned vines, pushing against the colour and life I fight to claim as my own, stolen away by the blackness. What is wrong with me? Why do I feel so alone, so distraught, so dead? When I have to, I still get up. When I have to, I still function. I still smile, because smiles are gifts to give. Pieces of love and joy to worm their way into the saddest of hearts. But even as I gift a smile, I feel empty, hollow, isolated. Even as one wound closes over, another opens in my heart. As if I am just picking a metaphorical scab, over and over again. Half the time, I look into the mirror expect to see a stain of blood on my chest, right over my heart.
All of the hurt, the pain, the loneliness, the guilt, everything that has been done to me and I have done to others has finally caught up with me. Not just some, but all. And I am crushed under its weight, barely able to stand under the load.
But I do stand.
And as long as I can stand, I can walk.
And as long as I can walk, I can move.
And as long as I move, I will be making progress through the dark, ever-twisting forests. An invasion in my soul.
To hold on, to live.
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on April 25, 2018, 12:14:28 pm
(https://i.ebayimg.com/images/g/~nYAAOSw-jFZ6IkY/s-l300.jpg)
Hey all. <3
Motivation – going slowly but steadily up the hills. Does anyone else know the story about ‘The Little Engine That Could’?  That’s me right now, a little train chugging its way slowly up the ever-lengthening tracks, the ever-steepening slopes. Struggling to get out of the cage that is me. Nobody ever said I don’t do my best with what I’ve got.

I’ve managed to start eating again over the past two days, which is really great. Had a burrito for lunch the other day. My parents are over the moon. Hopefully, this will stop my habit of sitting on the verge of consciousness every waking moment. It’s not a fun idea, to eat next to nothing for weeks. The impact on study, concentration and friendships is extremely detrimental.

Today is Anzac Day. A day to commemorate the sacrifice our ancestors offered for their country – their very lives for our freedom and individuality. This is one of my favourite days of the year, because for once, we have kept our promise to keep them in our hearts. Lest we Forget.

It’s so beautiful to see great-grandchildren marching proudly with their grandfather’s medals pinned to their chests. To see the old war planes fly over, to stand for the Last Post and a minute of silence and respect those whose loss was for the greater good, but still mournful and meaningless in the scheme of things. It’s a day where people actually stop to think deeply about our nation and what it means to be Australian. And although I’m not fully Australian (half American – if you ever meet me in real life I have a slight accent on some words!) I still take pride in our nation’s ability to hold their heads high today and remember what we lost, but also what we gained.

I feel like we as a community need to remember today who we are and why we are. To remember the fallen, the brave, the lost and the found. To remember our country’s perseverance and our promise to never forget the toll war takes.

And even as I struggle in all that I do, I remember today the men at Gallipoli and their knowledge that death awaited them. And yet, even as they knew, they ran to their deaths for their wives, mothers, siblings, children and friends. They ran not for themselves, but for the freedom of their nation.

As we will keep running, up those ever-lengthening tracks and ever-steepening slopes.
As I will keep fighting the war inside of myself.
I will persevere. Not for myself, but for my friends and family, those I love and who love me in return. I will fight for meaning and, eventually, all will come clear.
And I will persevere.

“I think I can, I think I can, I think I can”
And I will not forget.
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: turinturambar on April 25, 2018, 09:05:22 pm
Thanks Poet.  Those words about Anzac Day were beautiful.

This afternoon I walked the Kokoda Memorial Trail in the Dandenong Ranges, and they've added new signs with details about individual soldiers in WW2.  Some of them had the standard "Lest we forget", others had "We don't want to be remembered as heroes, we just want to be remembered".

Also, given you've talked about being out in nature, you would probably like that trail, though it can get very crowded.
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on April 28, 2018, 03:29:04 pm
Howdy, lovely ANers! I hope you’ve all had a great week. And if not, I feel you. Have a hug. <3

This post is really quite descriptive of some of the stuff I’m thinking and have gone through – much less poetic than normal. I’m still being purposefully vague, but if anyone has had experience with things I have previously spoken of and feels this might be triggering in some way, please don’t read this entry.

Thanks Poet.  Those words about Anzac Day were beautiful.

This afternoon I walked the Kokoda Memorial Trail in the Dandenong Ranges, and they've added new signs with details about individual soldiers in WW2.  Some of them had the standard "Lest we forget", others had "We don't want to be remembered as heroes, we just want to be remembered".

Also, given you've talked about being out in nature, you would probably like that trail, though it can get very crowded.
Hi again! I feel like I see you on here a lot – definitely not a bad thing! :)
Thanks for the recommendation! Do you go walking the Dandenongs often?
Actually, the Kokoda Memorial Trail is one of my favourites. I’ve been there a few times with my family, and it’s absolutely beautiful. We didn’t go on Anzac Day, but we have been when it’s a lot less crowded and there’s an abundance of kookaburras and crimson rosellas. It’s a great walk to think on (as well as get a little exercise haha).
________

Firstly, apologies for not being a lot more of a help on the forums. I’ve been using it a lot more for motivation’s sake than for actually helping out. I do try, but when I see a question and I know I have the answer and begin typing it out, my brain just goes… blank. I don’t know. But it’s been really, really frustrating and I’m so so sorry for not being more productive and helping out more people, because I try so hard and just seem to go nowhere with it. And then other people answer the questions so my answers would be invalid anyway. I guess it’s partly my sense of inferiority, but also the effect everything (stress, depression, lack of sleep, etc.) is taking on my cognitive abilities right now. I’m just sorry.

I will be applying for SEAS when the registrations open up (I have my reference), so hopefully I can find a course I like and get the appropriate scholarship/ATAR adjustment I need if in fact I do need it at the end of this year.
________

I need to motivate myself to go to work tonight. I went last night and it was pretty intense (Friday nights at a fish and chip shop are always pretty crazy). I was on the phone and I really hate the phone because it’s a phone and I can’t see the people I’m getting the orders from and people are always like “are you American because you just said tom-ATE-o” and I’m like “YES MY MOTHER IS AMERICAN AND THEREFORE I’M AMERICAN IS SAYING TOM-ATE-O A BAD THING?!?”, but I love my coworkers and my bosses and even the boss’s son, who thinks it’s funny to make wisecracks about my height every time he’s around. (Just for the record, I’m 5’8 – definitely not super tall. I think he’s just insecure because he’s about 5’7.) It’s just really hard to get up and pull out my bike to ride the half hour to work, work hard for four hours and then do the same ride home. I’m thankful I get paid pretty well and my workplace is extremely supportive, but it’s a lot of effort to go to when I’m still really foggy and not… not right, I guess.

I had a bit of a strange experience the other day. This has happened to me a total of twice in my life, and I’m not one of those people who can just brush it off.
A guy who’s been my friend for years told me he likes me, and personally this is a huge blow to the gut. I'm glad he told me so I know, but... I want to be completely honest right now and say I view him as a friend and a friend only. I love him, but only like family. So what am I meant to do when someone I view as a brother tells me he feels otherwise?

The thing is, I’ve had a really bad run with men in my life. One older guy I thought was my friend when I was 13 turned out to be abusive. The next guy was another friend, and he ended up stalking me when I insisted I didn’t like him. The third was a leader in my youth group, someone I thought I could talk to and trust, and he turned out to be a child groomer. Not just to me, but 17 other girls who filed a report. I was one of 5 main ‘targets’ listed by him.

Every time, the people around me I thought I could trust turned around and somehow harmed me, whether that be emotionally or physically, or both. If the phrase “once bitten, twice shy” is true, I guess I’m “thrice bitten, nine times shy”. So some little piece of me, although I know this particular friend would never do anything like that, screams to run, to escape, to get out before it’s too late. And I hate myself for not just being able to deal with simple teenage feelings, but with everything that’s happened to me I’m terrified that when I say no, something will happen. That I’ll bring the world down around me, that the sky will fall, that I’ll be trapped in the dark with no way out.

I can only describe the terror with metaphor. This frustrates me. I want people to know how I feel, but I can’t really truly say it.

I want to hold on to the friendship we have. I want to be happy and know that no matter what, he won’t do anything to hurt me. And logically, I know that. Logically, he’s a good friend, better than I ever deserved. But my own mind, my own experiences, prevent me from giving him that chance. And this makes me wonder – can I stand to lose one of the only friends I have because of the illogical panic of my stupid, messed up brain? And I’m back to not knowing.

I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.
I breathe, one breath and another. In, out.
And still I don’t know.

Song of the Day: Alec Benjamin - Paper Crown.

P.S. Mods, please tell me if this isn't okay to post on the forums. I will take it off if it's too much. I just value honesty, from myself and others. Thanks team.
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: turinturambar on April 29, 2018, 11:21:10 pm
Thanks for the recommendation! Do you go walking the Dandenongs often?
Actually, the Kokoda Memorial Trail is one of my favourites. I’ve been there a few times with my family, and it’s absolutely beautiful. We didn’t go on Anzac Day, but we have been when it’s a lot less crowded and there’s an abundance of kookaburras and crimson rosellas. It’s a great walk to think on (as well as get a little exercise haha).

I live fairly close to the Dandenongs, so yes, it's one of my best places for walking.  Glad you like the Kokoda Trail.
The other thing that's good about the Dandenongs this time of year is the autumn leaves in the various Parks-managed gardens (and similarly the flowers in spring).
And I agree, the birds are always pretty special.
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on May 03, 2018, 12:29:53 pm
To sleep, perchance to dream…
I wish I could sleep without waking up with an ache in my chest from the nightmares damn it.

“The struggle is real” is such a modern cliché, but it’s so true. Too true.
School is getting to a point in the hard slog where it’s dragging me down really far, and I have no time to work myself out. I haven’t been able to accept offers to go to the movies, or art exhibitions, and I feel like I’ve been letting everyone down, including myself. I feel hated and reviled by everyone, even though I know it’s not true. I’m not even in class right now because I’ve been shaking uncontrollably all day and I’ve got permission to just sit in my little library hovel with my hood up going round and round in circles in my head. Our senior school coordinator just walked in and gave me a hug, then walked back out. I don’t know what it was for but it made me cry. Gosh I’m waaay too fragile right now haha

I’ve been fighting so hard to keep my head above the water, but my psych appointment last night really put it all into perspective. She wanted to discuss anti-depressants and medication, which is something I thought wouldn’t be necessary, but now she thinks I need it… I want so much to get better, but I don’t know how much the medication will affect my work ethic and study plans, and if it will really help me at all. I guess I’m scared of it – I don’t know the effects it will have on me and my life. A life I’m already struggling to hold onto without the lethargy and unknowns of medication made with the sole purpose of messing with my mind.

On the upside of these dark clouds I’m straining to see through; Just got the book “Wonder” about a young boy called August with severe disfigurement. There’s a movie of it, but I tend to read the books more than watch the movies. I’d read the premise ages ago, so this should be the perfect book for me right now. I’ll read it tonight and tell peeps how it went.

Also; going to the Expo tomorrow should be a riot, if I can get there.
Actually, here’s where I stop myself and say no – I will be going. So, I’ll definitely see you guys at stand #107.

Thanks for the support, AN. <3
As was the phrase at hockey training yesterday, "you guys are jets".
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on May 05, 2018, 04:10:41 pm
"That’s the great discovery...
We’re really unimportant after all."
- The Nature of Consciousness


Is this a truly ‘great discovery’, per se? Even a ‘discovery’ after all? We all know, deep down inside, that we are unimportant in the scheme of things. Worthless in the world’s pattern of new life to old death. A never-ending dance of the Fates. Forbidden lovers, where Life cheats Death but in the end gives her all.
Sounds like a story, doesn’t it.

But still we mean something to each other. Like ants making a bridge with their bodies over a bottomless pit, branching out and clinging onto each other for support before we can make it to the other side. But if one falls, do we all collapse? Like pulling one block out from beneath the tower. And what then? What does the bottomless pit entail? How far can we really fall? Because no pit is truly bottomless. No matter how deep, or wide, or vast, our world is finite. Space itself, the universe we live in, is said to have borders. Borders that will eventually shrink and crush us.

There is no such thing as limitless. We are caged by the lives we live and the world we live in, boxed in by weak bodies and weaker minds. Minds that go insane thinking about our finite world and finite lives.

Our unimportance in the vast idea that is mortality.
Mortality.
Mortal.
We are mortal.

And yet, is mortality not a human name for something so inhuman, but still a part of us?

Just something I’ve been thinking about.
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on May 06, 2018, 05:09:45 pm
Life is a masquerade.
A ball in which we dance, with glittering masks and hidden features - both physical and emotional.
We school our faces into a smile, we place makeup on our lashes and cheeks. We use confidence as a barrier, insults as a wall. We guard our hearts from hurt, but in doing so, we may cut ourselves off from the rest of the world.
Our whole society is a masquerade. A place without trust, because everyone is too afraid to take off their masks.

Everyone wonders how they will be judged if they do show their true faces. Because vulnerability is a terrifying thing.

Sometimes, vulnerability is seen as negative. To be vulnerable is to be without protection, open to hurt and struggles. Fragile. Weak. Invulnerability is seen as a superpower – to be untouchable, unhurt-able. But if we were invulnerable, what would we gain through the experience of pain and hurt? What would we know of sympathy and empathy, compromise and care?
So we stay vulnerable, our masks carefully placed. Today, I wear no mask. But tomorrow, out in the world, there will be a different story.

Tomorrow, I will wear my Mask of Confidence. Tomorrow, I will wear my Mask of Happiness and Innocence. Tomorrow, I will wear the Mask of What I Once Was. But right now I’m just me. And if I’m completely honest, I hate what I see. But sometimes, vulnerability is a skill we need to learn how to wield, instead of a weakness we feel the need to hide.
Because our vulnerability is what makes us human. Without it, where would we be?

... What if I'm wrong?
Does everyone wear masks, or do I just feel like they do?
What makes me feel like putting one on when I wake up in the morning?

I hate Mondays.

edit: Monday tomorrow, when I'm forced to put my mask in place again. I've got to do P.E. sprint tests as data for our next SAC, and to be honest I'm panicking slightly. I rearranged it with my teacher so that I could do it without the other students around, but that doesn’t stop my heart from racing. What if I embarrass myself? How am I meant to do this without making my heel flare up again (old injury)?  Why do I feel like I don’t belong here? Will he judge me for my results? Why do I question everything so much? Why can’t I stop thinking?
I don’t know if I can manage school tomorrow. I’ll try, but sometimes getting up in the morning is just too hard.

You know how they say that people who've done bad things shouldn't be able to sleep at night?
Well, I want to know what I did.
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on May 10, 2018, 08:56:14 pm
Got through Monday. And Tuesday. And Wednesday. And today.
Just one more day. Then the weekend.

Listen to the wind blow, watch the sun rise
Running in the shadows, damn your love, damn your lies.
Break the silence, damn the dark, damn the light.

- The Chain, Fleetwood Mac

The Rumour (haha, see what I did there, all you Fleet peeps) is that Stevie Nicks, a lead singer of the band Fleetwood Mac, wrote this song about her lover, Stephen Buckingham, as their relationship deteriorated. In a fascinating and mysterious twist of events, this ended up being the song that kept them together as a band and increased their fame. Nicks and Buckingham share the lead vocals all throughout the song, basically cursing each other every time they sing it.

Why is that? It’s like they want to hurt each other, but they still have that toxic bond. “And I still hear you saying, we will never break the chain”.
In actuality, the song morphed into a symbol for the spirit and the strong bond that the band had, despite their innumerable differences in opinion and style. They didn’t really ever understand each other, but they still had a bond. “Chain keep us together, running in the shadow”.

Talking to someone yesterday, I was asking how they felt when everything seemed to go terribly in one day. They replied that they know the feeling, but it must be “worse for [me], with mental illness to tackle and what not” and I realised something – I’m so used to the way I feel all the time, I literally just assume everyone else feels the same way.
Don’t know why this was such a shocking revelation – that I have basically been treating everyone like I would treat myself – but I realised that a lot of the isolation and hostility I’m experiencing is probably due to my own treatment of people around me. I haven’t been meaning to, but moping around with my hood up and sitting in the library, not talking, never opening up to people, really affects how people treat me in turn. I leave them alone out of respect for their space, as I want for myself, but maybe they see it as hostility.
Just something I think I should try and change.

I guess you could call it an epiphany.

“Now here you go again, you say
You want your freedom
Well who am I to keep you down
It's only right that you should
Play the way you feel it
But listen carefully to the sound
Of your loneliness
Like a heartbeat drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering what you had
And what you lost, and what you had, and what you lost”

- Dreams, Fleetwood Mac
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on May 12, 2018, 05:24:59 pm
I’m so, so tired.

Biology is hard. Too much information to fit into my stupid blonde head. Not even proper blonde. It’s a stupid, thick, corny, dirty yellow. Why couldn’t I have normal hair? Not even my hair is acceptable to society.

I didn’t go to math class all week, and now I’m so behind I don’t know if I’ll be able to catch up, ever.
My grandparents are over for the weekend. They came down from NSW. My grandfather just got oat slice crumbs all over my diagrams and now there’s grease stains on the middle of my Helper T Cell.

My grandmother wants to know what I want to do with the rest of my life. She doesn’t believe me when I say ‘I don’t know’. She just says, ‘you’ll be like your aunty’.

I don’t want to be my aunty. I want to be me. But nobody just accepts me for who I am as a person. They all expect something from me that isn’t… me.

Why is me as me so damn terrible??

I have no motivation for anything.
I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this.

Me:
(https://c1.staticflickr.com/3/2559/4199675334_66c3e3d61d_z.jpg?zz=1)
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on May 14, 2018, 07:50:22 pm
I’m in a fantastically self-destructive mood today.
I don’t know why, but it’s like I can’t just be sensible, like I want to start fights, which isn’t… me. There’s something wrong with that.
 I guess I’m disappointed in my Legal marks (I got a 70%), and I’m really angry at myself. I have a habit of beating myself up over every little thing I do wrong, and this is a huge disappointment for me after consistent 90%’s all of last year. I feel like I’m letting myself down in everything, but I work as hard as I can and I just can’t seem to pick myself up. In work, school, relationships… I’m a letdown wherever I go, and I can’t seem to stop the negative thoughts, going round and round in my head. Like some demon has picked up my metaphorical hand and decided to play the “why are you hitting yourself? Stop hitting yourself” game. Except I’m beating myself up with my own thoughts.

Again, and again, and again.

I’m a full chapter behind in math, and I’ve been avoiding classes. I’ve been at school, but I’ve been skipping, which is shameful and the completely incorrect course of action, but I just… don’t know. My life is falling apart. My masks are slipping. Why now, after all this time?
Why did you have to break now?

I don’t know what to do when my math SAC comes up. My attendance has… well, let’s just say it’s gone down a little. Teachers are all asking if I’m okay. I feel like they’re giving up on me. I’m giving up on myself. I don’t know. Right now, I just feel like snapping at everyone, like a feral dog. But I don’t do that. I know I’m a 'bottler' - definitely not a 'spewer' when it comes to emotion, at least in real life - so I’m just confused as to why I feel so aggressive right now. No, not aggressive.
Scared. I'm terrified.

I fear I’m going to do something rash tonight, like cut my hair off or start drawing on the walls or something else stupid I’ll regret in the morning. I can't control myself. My head feels like it’s about to explode. My resting heart rate is currently 96 bpm and rising. I just counted it. My fingers are non-stop twitching. I have so much work, but I need a break. I need to breathe. I need to draw and feel the resistance of a pen against paper until it breaks through. I need to scream until my throat is raw. I need to get out of this cage as the panic sets in.

I keep telling myself, “six more months, only six more months” but that little voice in my head is yelling, telling me I won’t make it. Six months is too long a time to be locked in here. That I’ll fail anyway. I’m an idiot, and idiots never get anywhere in life, no matter how hard I work for it. I’ll never get where I want. Dreams are not reality. Am I dreaming? No.

I think it’s my anxiety this time. I’m just clawing at the walls as they’re closing in around me. An astronaut on the ocean floor. A bird with a broken wing. So far from where I belong, so deep I don’t even know where I belonged in the first place. I’m panicking for no reason. I know it. And I can’t stop. I want to stop but I can’t stop I can’t stop I can’t stop I can’t stop I can’t stop.

I’ve made an appointment with my psych this Wednesday.
I should probably try and move it to tomorrow.
We’re discussing medication.
God help me, I think I need it. And I hate that. So. Much.

Now 112 bpm.
I'm breathing, I am. I'm grounding and breathing and focusing on my breaths. In and out.
If anyone else relates to this right now, you need to talk to someone. Fix it.
It's taken a lot to post this. But I feel like someone might read this and know that someone else feels the same way. Sometimes, that's first step on the road of recovery.
I'm sorry, everyone.
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: heids on May 15, 2018, 08:45:08 am
This sounds like a severe anxiety attack, perhaps panic attack.  But such a sterile phrase can't convey the terror and the agony...

I know that sense that you need to tear yourself to shreds from the inside out, claw that horrific something out of you, but you can't... you need to scream for seventeen years or tear out your eyeballs or smash everything you can find.  It's terrifying.  I've been there often enough, and waiting for it to pass is the only way for me.  Plus meds, but I'm rarely in a state to think of them when it's that bad.  I'm so sorry you're going through it, it's basically unbearable. :(

There's a bunch of things I do that help sometimes:

- Exercising. Hard. Hard hard hard.  Running as fast and hard as you can till you're utterly exhausted. Jumping up and down on the spot as hard as you fucking can, as if you're trying to destroy the floor. This mainly works if you can get out of the house.

- Screaming into a pillow, punching pillow. For a long time.

- Going out somewhere empty, a park for instance, and yelling and screaming some of the shit you need to get out of your system.

- Tearing up an old phone book.  Better that than your body.

Also, trying to stop panicking reaaaaaaally doesn't work, it escalates things... I often get into a cycle of panicking about panic, which is how anxiety attacks tend to turn into panic attacks for me.

Sending hugs, hugs and more hugs <3

Oh yeah, and fantastic that you're getting help with meds.  There's no shame if they're able to help you.  No shame.
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on May 21, 2018, 08:31:41 pm
Thank you, Heidi. You are sooo appreciated. <3
I went for a run on my poor, broken Achilles. It helped. Then I started drawing again.
I've begun making more time for myself, and I've been feeling a little happier, much less ragged, as a result.
Still confused and frustrated with my work and angry at myself for skipping classes, but little steps are sometimes the best kind.

Disclaimer: This is not a rant against religion. This is my experience with religion, and how I feel as a consequence. I support and encourage those who decide to follow a religion to go for it – be happy, and believe what you wish. Same to those who do not wish to pursue religion.
Just be cautious of who you pursue it with.


Quote from:  You Found Me, The Fray
” I found God on the corner of First in Amistad
Where the west was all but won
All alone
Smoking his last cigarette
I said ‘where you been?’
He said, ask anything

Where were you
When everything was falling apart?
All my days
Spent by the telephone
That never rang
And all I needed was a call
That never came
From the corner of First and Amistad”

I’ve always connected with this song, You Found Me, from the first time I heard it. The Fray so completely captures the helpless, angry feeling when you rely on something and it never comes, or comes too late. For me, that was a God.

I’ve been struggling for years, wondering if the Being I was raised to praise and believe in and place my heart, my soul, my everything in was there for me. I read through my Bible again and again. I prayed and remembered not to swear and was kind to my neighbors and got through shit because I was a little trooper – I was a child of God, and in Him, “nothing is impossible”.
But after that, after years of neglect and things a child should never go through, I began to shake off the daze. I realized what had been happening to me, that some of the leaders in my church, people I thought could be trusted, had known about and done nothing to fix.
It wasn’t just me suffering, either. It’s the whole world.

I have never, even to this day, been able to leave the religious community. My family are strong Christians. I go to a Christian school. My friends are religious, and strongly so. My teachers, my mentors, the people I look up to. I feel so isolated, the black sheep of the family. They’re ashamed of me, and as a result I feel ashamed of myself. They make me pretend to pray every morning in front of my siblings so that I don’t, and I quote, “corrupt them”. Does this mean I myself am corrupt?

I clearly remember that one day, the day I realized that, in other countries, children were being shot through the head for no reason, fighting another man’s war for him. In my country, families were being murdered. Forests cut down in man’s quest for self-extinction. People’s babies being driven into lakes and left to drown, thrown off bridges in a spouse’s petty revenge plot. Mothers and fathers who hate their children. Bloody fights and murder and sickness and rape. Manipulation and corruption, everywhere. That day broke me. Realising that what I had believed ‘normal’ was wrong. Realising that the God I believed was doing good in creating mankind was wrong, and later, the realization that He was never there at all, in my life anyway.

I’m so confused about so many things, and this is just one of them. Do I accuse a God, or deny His existence? And how can I deny His existence when I have no proof of anything? What if I’m wrong? And why, why can’t I stop thinking??
And once again, there goes my little spiral.
I don’t know.
I don’t know.
I don’t know.

Quote
“Early morning
City breaks
I've been calling
For years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never send me no letters
You got some kind of nerve
Taking all I want

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Where were you? Where were you?”

Heal, Tom Odell
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on May 29, 2018, 08:06:08 pm
Feeling very... vague. Skip to paragraph 3 for the actual stuff.
I’m in ramble mode. Is that okay?

So, I got new tights for school and they’re this really weird slick material, but it feels really nice to run your hands up and down. I was sitting the library today running my hands up and down my legs (while studying, mind you) because the tights felt strange, and kids were giving me really weird looks. Especially when I got my year 11 (male) friend to feel my tights as well, it was pretty funny actually. Like, what would they think was going on without knowing what I was saying? Heh.

So, hello. That was a random thing to start off with, but hey, it’s my journal. I do what I want.

It was photo day at our school today, and my warped sense of self-worth makes that basically the *worst* day in the year, second only to the day we receive our photos. I know I’m not beautiful to start with, but having a permanent image taken of my face that will be plastered on a large screen at graduation this year is just… the worst idea. Torture. I’m mortified already. And this is beside the fact that I’m up the back with the boys, because I’m freaking tall and they’re all annoyed about it because their self-esteem can’t handle a girl being taller than them. Also I don’t know how to use makeup so didn’t have anything to cover up any spots. :(

I have a maths SAC on Financial Modelling tomorrow, and I’m stressed about that, but on the weekend I decided to drop everything and give myself a Mental Health Day (a.k.a. screw it, I’m going for a walk) and went for a walk. Traversed the Dandenongs for about 2 hours and then came back home, then said ‘screw it, I’m going to the movies’ and went to the movies to watch Infinity War. Completely wrecked because all of my favourite characters died  so I came home and struggled over work a little bit. Then I went to bed.

The thing is, sleep has been elusive as of late (late being early in the morning). Like I’m so conscious of the time ticking by my body is scared it'll miss something. I’m sort of the opposite of strawberries - I do everything I can – I don’t look at screens, don’t eat at least an hour before I go to bed. I listen to quiet music and draw mindless patterns. I read a book or hum a tune to myself as I lie there, for hours and hours, helpless as to why I can’t seem to close my eyes. I do breathing exercises and meditate. And then, when I finally go to sleep, I wake up at obscure times and find myself full of thoughts and ideas and stories and things that I’m too tired to act upon, which makes me angry at myself which keeps me up more. I don’t know. I’m exhausted but also not at the same time. Like I drank litres of coffee but it’s not making me jiggle on the outside - just in my head.
My mind is still telling me I’m not good enough, that I don’t belong, but the voice is a lot more passive when I’m tired. Instead of the usual, “You’re a piece of shit go die!!” it’s more like, “Huh. Look at that. I told you you’re a piece of shit. Wanna go die now?”
Did I tell you my maths SAC is tomorrow? So, yes.

On the upside, I will have one less maths SAC. One more day gone.
One step.
And another.
One foot in front of the other.
Fighting an uphill battle, but I’ll make it.
I will. Just as long as I can figure out how to sleep.
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: turinturambar on May 29, 2018, 10:18:20 pm
I have never, even to this day, been able to leave the religious community. My family are strong Christians. I go to a Christian school. My friends are religious, and strongly so. My teachers, my mentors, the people I look up to. I feel so isolated, the black sheep of the family. They’re ashamed of me, and as a result I feel ashamed of myself. They make me pretend to pray every morning in front of my siblings so that I don’t, and I quote, “corrupt them”. Does this mean I myself am corrupt?

This deserves saying more strongly than I can say it, but hopefully you already know: No, you are not corrupt.  Your posts show you to be kind, caring, and given to thinking deeply about problems. And that means you have found problems with the idea of God that your parents won't or can't see.  And I think it is unlikely that you will be able to think or pray your way out of those problems.

This is how I come to terms with indoctrination: Usually, parents want the best for their children. And if they are strongly religious, that means they want their children to be equally strongly religious.  This also means that they don't want any of their children who have left the chosen path to influence their siblings.  I am quite sure my parents think I corrupt my siblings - I try to be respectful, but there are things that I've seen in the Bible and in the world that I can't unsee.  And at some point you have to live with the world as you see it, not with the world as others would like you to see it, however well meaning.

Quote
I clearly remember that one day, the day I realized that, in other countries, children were being shot through the head for no reason, fighting another man’s war for him. In my country, families were being murdered. Forests cut down in man’s quest for self-extinction. People’s babies being driven into lakes and left to drown, thrown off bridges in a spouse’s petty revenge plot. Mothers and fathers who hate their children. Bloody fights and murder and sickness and rape. Manipulation and corruption, everywhere. That day broke me. Realising that what I had believed ‘normal’ was wrong. Realising that the God I believed was doing good in creating mankind was wrong, and later, the realization that He was never there at all, in my life anyway.

It's a hard realisation, when everything in the world suddenly stops making sense.  It may not make it easier, but hopefully it's encouraging to know that lots of other people have gone through the same thoughts, and that you are not alone.

Quote
I’m so confused about so many things, and this is just one of them. Do I accuse a God, or deny His existence? And how can I deny His existence when I have no proof of anything?

Again, I'm not sure whether this will be helpful or not, but here's my take on it: You have been brought up believing the Christian God, a God who cares for each and every one of his followers, and sometimes intervenes on their behalf, and who has a plan for everyone's life.  Now, you can't see any sign that this God was ever there in your life.  That is probably sufficient reason for rejecting that particular God - either he is not there, or he doesn't keep his promises.  Christians will probably deny this, but I think it's valid.  And I think this reasoning goes beyond your life to the world: This world makes sense as a world where that particular God doesn't exist.

The general case is harder, because there are so many different concepts of God around, and it's difficult to investigate and dismiss them all.  However, I'm not sure how much it matters: If you think it's unlikely that a God exists that interacts positively with the world, does it matter whether such a God created the universe 6,000 / 13 billion years ago?  Personally, I'm happy to live my life my own way as if no god exists, because I don't see any evidence of a god.  And if there is a just God, surely it would be unreasonable for that God to create you with a questioning mind and then expect you to ignore the evidence you discover?

Sorry, that went on long, but I hope it's helpful.  Basically, it's a difficult situation all round, but I want you to know it's not your fault and you're not alone.
And I hope your maths SAC goes well.

Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on June 03, 2018, 05:47:53 pm
-snip-
@turinturambar, thank you. :)

General update:

Headaches.
That’s the word of the year, isn’t it? H-E-A-D-A-C-H-E-S. What a gross word. What’s the ‘ch’ for, anyway? It’s not even doing what it’s meant to. Stupid headaches.
My psych is away for two more weeks, so I’ve been dealing with myself by… myself. Doing my own CBT, really. I have a bunch of sheets to work through about emotional wellbeing and breathing exercises and all that. It’s really hard though, because I’m so stressed about my work I don’t really have that much time to do that sort of thing, and then I feel bad about not doing it and it’s just a cycle of misunderstanding and self-hate. Turning and turning in the tightening gyre. Thanks, John Green.

Had a bit of a breakdown on Friday and basically skipped class all through the middle of the day. Lay on the floor and curled up in a ball, just barely holding in a scream of frustration and anger and sadness. Like I’m doing now. I feel like the world is just piling problems on my head, and on everyone else’s head. Term 2 is such a drag. Like I’ve had chains of bricks wrapped around my limbs and mind. Another drawing idea, here we go. I’ve drafted my fortnightly drawing three times and scrapped it three times. Turning and turning in the widening gyre. Thanks, Yeats.

The masks are still on. At home in front of my family, at work in front of my bosses and customers, at school in front of my teachers, friends, and cohort. I’m sick right now and I’m trying to study for my P.E. SAC tomorrow, but the world is blurry and I can’t shake it off no matter how hard I try. I can feel myself getting a fever right now, and it’s really frustrating. I’m really frustrating. Life is really frustrating. People and school and siblings and relationships and work and sleep and nightmares and Aphenphosmphobia and Philophobia and doctor referrals and medication and pain and the progression of time and the depth of the sky and things people should never have to deal with at the tender age of 18, or any age.
Life is a complicated waltz.
It’s a dance, and I suck at dancing.

Quote from: In My Head, Far Places
There you go
We're running far away
I can't catch my breath
I can't make you stay

And it all goes slow
I'm holding your face in my hands
and I know
You couldn't see what I saw
In my head
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on June 14, 2018, 12:25:46 pm
Hey all, anyone spontaneously decide to clean their windows last night? I was a bit of a rebel and ate olives instead of grapes in my salad.

Any-who, this week’s been pretty crazy. My home internet is broken, I had a Bio SAC Tuesday, GAT Wednesday, Legal SAC this morning and I’ve got my English creative on Monday. And I’m really sorry if any of my posts seem short or insensitive, I just have noooo time. Doesn’t mean I don’t love you, AN. :(

Speaking of love, I’m in therapy for my amazing phobias and stuff haha. My psych came back early so I had another session with her (yay). I let my Dad hug me a couple nights ago for the first time in more than a year, which was nerve-wracking for zero reason. I kind of have panic attacks when my parents want to touch me, and I’ve never known why. I can deal with my bosses and a couple friends, but some people I’m genuinely scared of, in the sense of physical contact. Very inconvenient. Like, shaking hands can be terrifying, and then I start sweating, and then I think about the sweat and that means I can’t stop sweating even when I’m trying to stop so it’s awkward and gross as well as terrifying. (I’m so eternally sorry about that, Nick.)

There’s two weeks left in Term 2, and we are steadily plodding along. Well, it’s really more of an undignified scramble, but we’re getting there. Clawing our way ever up the mountain. We are 4 ½ months away from the peak.
My mental health is still down the damn drain, but my marks have been increasing, mostly. I’m rank 6 in P.E and Legal studies. Rank ~10 in English. Average in Biology. And the surprise of the century – rank 12 or thereabouts in maths, where I got almost top of the class in both of the Financial SACs. Ironic, that I was going to drop it and as soon as I made one last push I supported Murphy’s Law. But after a lengthy conversation with my teacher and the careers counsellor, we’ve decided I should keep it fully. So, definitely doing Maths until the last exams.

I hope y’all are doing alright, too. We’re almost to holidays.
Quote
Keep moving forward.
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on June 21, 2018, 12:35:16 pm
And after the maths Bradbury...
(http://i.imgur.com/ZDgXmVu.gif)
This is a good excuse to use my favourite gif


Hello, to my second family. :)
Last couple of weeks before holidays, and before lectures – can’t wait to see people there. It’ll be cool beans, and the brief respite from school will give us all time to catch up on stuff.
Might not talk much, though. Talking has been a pretty huge struggle. Like, my mind has been so loud there’s been no room for actual speech.

Mentally, I’ve been progressively getting worse. I finished my last SAC two days ago and so even though I have more Unit 4 work and I should’ve felt some form of relief, I just haven’t been able to be happy. I feel so worthless, and there’s been a lot more fighting with myself and thoughts I should probably not talk about here. My psych told me last night that I’m now a ‘high-risk’ patient, so I’m being constantly monitored and I have appointments getting decided with a bunch of psychiatrists and GPs. We’re definitely going forward with the medication within the month. I’m still sort of scared, but I’m also just tired of fighting.
It’s been three years and I just can’t control my thoughts anymore. Things I tried to make me happy don’t give me pleasure anymore. I’m having panic attacks a lot and eating makes me feel sick. My hands shake after every panic attack for a couple hours. Everything is an effort. Typing this out right now is really difficult. I haven't done any work for TWO WHOLE DAYS. I still look forward to things, but so much of the time everything just feels so far away. Depression just feels like forever, you know?

It’s frustrating, because I know that logically this will be temporary. But emotionally, everything in me screams that there’s no way out. There will never be a way out. That I should give up. I’m not, though. I’m confused and scared but I know what it feels like to be happy, and I want to know that feeling again. So, I’m just hoping I can make it.
So, see you at the lectures. :)

I'll be going on a brief hiatus over the holidays (a la broken internet), so my next entry here with be in about a month - 5 weeks. I'll be around the forums spamming question threads for another week.

So thanks, AN. Bless your little intellectual souls.
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: PhoenixxFire on June 21, 2018, 03:09:17 pm
Quote
So, see you at the lectures.
You better come to the end of year lectures as well so I can actually meet you (or J41 could organise another meet up before then ;))

memes because I’m mostly incapable of expressing emotions
(http://i.imgur.com/gbMiLH9.jpg)
(http://i.imgur.com/PFbrEbN.jpg)
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on July 03, 2018, 07:24:48 pm
Hi again errybuddy,
I’m still here! I know, right? Looks like I managed to fix the internet before holidays! (Had to replace the router, jiggle with the VPN and do some other fun stuff, but it was definitely worth it to be here 💜)

I got my psychiatrist appointment set for this Thursday. Pretty surreal, being the one looking out of the window in this situation instead of being the one looking in. I mean, I’ve seen other people go through this, and always just assumed that I would get better without help. A point of pride, I guess. I refused help for years before I realised I just couldn’t fight myself on my own. The pride is something everyone finds difficult to push down, even when they know that this is probably best for them. We want to feel like we’re independent. We don’t want to be classified as ‘sick’ or pushed into a weird mental stigma. It’s this fear that prevents a lot of people from just getting help. And I need to keep reminding myself that what’s happened to me, why I feel the way I do, is not my fault. It makes life damn hard and those steps so much steeper, but I, we, need to remember that we’re not alone. We can fight and we can get there in the end.

Being awarded MotM for June was a huge shock. I wasn’t expecting it at all - I still don’t feel like I deserve it. Looking out at the community we have here on AN, I can see so many beautiful, intelligent people who would deserve it more than me. So I’m rooting for you next round, people!
My psych hates the whole “I’m inferior” thought patterns, but genuinely, you guys are amazing.

Speaking of the lady, she wants me to spend a bit of time every night trying to think about the positives. So, here goes:

- Going to the English (is it English tomorrow? I’m at English, Legal and Bio #3)  lecture, and I’m excited to learn and consolidate! Went to the Access lectures today and yesterday, and you know, they weren’t as good as ATAR Notes ones even though they cost $48 a session... 😉
- When my cat was a kitten, I trained her to say hello by meowing like “meow-meow” so 8 years down the track and when she wants something she still says hello to me. At 3:30 AM. I love her so much.
- I got a new book today- Warbreaker by Brandon Sanderson, my favourite author.
- I managed to shower for the first time in 5 days. I know that sounds gross because it is, but being depressed can really mess with hygiene. Like, a lot..
- I had an HSP for lunch, because formal was on Saturday and who cares about fitting into that dress anymore?
- Got passion fruit and hibiscus tea; super sweet but damn it’s happiness in a cup
- Friends. Including y’all.

So when you’re feeling down, what are your positives? Try making a small list every night. It can help when you feel anxious or overwhelmed. Remember what you love, and what loves you.

This is a bit of a confused entry, but I hope the positives stand out.
Love you, AN. 💙
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on July 08, 2018, 06:12:56 pm
Dear teenagers on Platform 2. I have a question for you about... Thumbs.
What are they? Fingers. Opposable fingers, right? But they’re not fingers, because they’re thumbs. 8 fingers, 2 thumbs. That’s the rule. Thumbs were destined to be the odd ones out, all the time. The other fingers, they can stick together. But the thumb? It goes solo. Not out of choice, but out of necessity. Thumbs are what complete the hand. They hold things in place. But that doesn’t mean they’re appreciated, does it? Sometimes, the thumb isn’t considered. Taken for granted.
It makes me angry to see the thumbs of the world just shoved aside like they mean nothing. That lady scrubbing the public toilet? She’s a thumb. That faceless man picking up your rubbish at 5 in the morning? He’s a thumb.
Those invisible, silent people, working to sustain our personal bubbles for more mockery than money? These are the thumbs. To see a person abused because they are working in some place others don’t seem to appreciate is unacceptable. It’s not okay to abuse others, ever. Especially when they’re the ones you can thank for keeping the maintenance running, the toilets somewhat clean and drug-free, and our lives that little bit more bearable. So, excuse me, teenagers on platform 2, next time you feel like insulting someone because they’re keeping your train system running, why don’t you try their job and start scrubbing the public toilets for them?

Respect the thumbs, because without them, the rest of the hand is crippled.

Bitches.
... //endvent
Whew. (I think I actually scared them by walking up and telling them what I thought in a much less eloquent fashion lmao)
________________________________________________________
Short update:
- Started medication yesterday. I now realise why they gave me sleeping pills too, lol (guess who was up bouncing off the walls last night?)
- Terrified by the sheer amount of numbers in Karly's lecture. Also, get better soon, Karly!
- Meeting up with Calebark and insanipi was great. Also saw some old/new friends. hi Ken and Phil <3
- I have sooo much energy rn - not sure if it's residual nervous energy or not but damn this stuff is INSANE
- I do believe that, out of the listed side effects of this medication, I am currently experiencing restlessness ("common in seniors", apparently...) and loss of appetite. I have eaten a handful of almonds and a tiiiny bite of pizza today and I legit have enough energy to run through WALLLSSS
- Still love you guys. <3
Title: Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
Post by: Poet on July 10, 2018, 01:06:32 pm
Hey y’all,
Sorry for my previous rant. I was kind of mad. Still am? It’s infuriating to see people being disrespected because they work for a living. Or being abused. Because I'm very sensitive about that, and it's just not okay.

Anyway, I’m currently attempting to fill up my maths summary book, and it’s an absolute pain. I’m going through the Further SD along with my teacher’s notes and the Cambridge book, and copying things I believe might help me. However, my concentration hasn’t exactly been at an all-time high lately, and my motivation levels have dropped (again, no idea how it’s even possible to go lower than I was but there you go) the last few weeks/days. This is definitely to do with mental health, I guess. My brain is shutting down and I don’t really know what to do about it, or how to deal with it. I’ve got slight tremors in my hands, and whenever I try to use my fingers for something they start shaking even more, so I can’t do origami atm. :(
I don’t know if it’s the new meds or the nerves about the meds, but I’ve had slight nausea the past few days, and as stated earlier it’s made it hard to eat, which in turn makes me more tired. I’ve basically eaten just (a truckload of) almonds, a few carrot sticks and a bit of tzatziki the past couple of days, which are some of the only things I can stomach. I’ve been overly energetic, but also so tired at the same time all I want to do is lie in bed. My sleep cycle is so messed up I might be able to crash at about 2:30 AM, but then I’ll wake up at 5 and immediately start thinking about everything. I have had the urge to go for a run at 3 in the morning a lot lately, but I don’t exactly have that much of a death wish so I’ve refrained. I’m drained; luckily no nightmares the past couple weeks. But yeah, motivation is in a pretty awful place right now, and when I start thinking about the fact that I need an 80 ATAR I start panicking again.

Also been binging on my old pal Peter Draws again! He’s really, really good at calming you down, like… a 26 year-old Bob Ross, but 50000000000000 times more eccentric. His most recent video is an absolute gem. Just listen to what he’s saying and you’ll see what I mean:
Spoiler

Anyway, I’d better get back to maths. Bye, you fiendish ANers. I'm lying I'm going right back to Peter Draws lol
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on July 17, 2018, 07:37:42 pm
The lectures were great, thanks AN! You guys deserve all the free pizza you can eat. (Oh yeah thx RMIT for the pizza, good stuff) :)

I’ve been thinking a lot less lately, which is a good thing, because introspection can get bad when you hate yourself. The nausea’s been slowly dissipating, and I was able to eat some lamb the other night. My hands only shake for about an hour after I take my medication, then it’s all g. I’ve been sleeping better (as in falling asleep earlier – I still wake up at 3-5 every morning) even if my dreams are kind of messed up. The downside is that I’ve been extremely distractible, and thus finding work difficult. I managed to do my maths summary book, half of my P.E. work, my bio summaries and I’m almost done with legal studies, but I haven’t started on English. I still have another week of holidays though (‘private school privileges’, yeet) so I’ve got time to figure out how to juggle my mental health and workload going into term 3.
I haven’t been drawing much – not as much as I should. A lot of plans flying around in my head, half-finished sketches and crumpled paper in the recycling. I went to my psychologist on Wednesday, and she tells me to show her pictures of stuff I’m doing, so I snapped a couple shots of more recent art drafts and the pictures I drew of animals/my cat. She asked me what I do with them, and I said, ‘Give them away – I give them as gifts to people’. She looked me right in the eyes and said, ‘Nina (that's me). you do that because you see no value in your work, or feel that the value is in your altruism. But there is value here. Lots of it.’ So, long story short, I’ve got an art commission from my psych. Looks like I’m drawing her dog… Well.

But here's the dilemma I've found myself in: I want to make a living out of art. But if I'm uncomfortable actually taking money for it, how am I meant to do that? I'll go to the Monash Open Day and check it out, think this through and see if I can manage to work mentally towards my ultimate goal.

You know, they say that some of the most extreme people, either in kindness or hatred, are lonely. I know I’m lonely, but I’m also a mean person. Not the meanest, but I can be pretty awful. Why is it that I’m so scared to be accepted, even as I silently beg for acceptance? Huh.

Happy Poppy Love Song bc I Like Bemoaning my Eternal Singleness lol
The actual song that's been on repeat today

edit: Oh, and I changed the name of this thread to something easier to understand lol (no TV drama references here!)
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Calebark on July 17, 2018, 08:02:05 pm
But here's the dilemma I've found myself in: I want to make a living out of art. But if I'm uncomfortable actually taking money for it, how am I meant to do that? I'll go to the Monash Open Day and check it out, think this through and see if I can manage to work mentally towards my ultimate goal.

I don't suppose the reason why you're uncomfortable accepting money is because it's always from family, friends, and your psych? Of course you'd want these people to accept your art without money -- it's just an added bonus to your relationship. Perhaps it'd be easier to accept money from somebody you have absolutely no personal relationship with, like the average customer
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on July 28, 2018, 03:04:58 pm
I don't suppose the reason why you're uncomfortable accepting money is because it's always from family, friends, and your psych? Of course you'd want these people to accept your art without money -- it's just an added bonus to your relationship. Perhaps it'd be easier to accept money from somebody you have absolutely no personal relationship with, like the average customer
Perhaps, I sure hope so - however, I would still be much more inclined to give things away if I like the customer, which probably isn't the best thing to do when you're trying to make money. Oh well. :-/

Hey AN, it’s been a little while. :)

First week back at school has been a little crazy. My anxiety played up on the first day so I felt really ill, and getting out of bed was probably the most difficult thing I’ve done in a couple of months. P.E. is rough, but rewarding - we did Fartlek training yesterday, look it up. Mathematics has finally begun the topic networks, which is the only one I fully understand and actually enjoy! Biology is on evolutionary theories and comparisons of DNA sequences, the former I understand - the latter is gibberish. English oral is coming up and I start shaking just thinking about it... and Legal Studies is absolutely fascinating. I love learning about the role of the Crown and the Australian Constitution. No idea why, but it's the only class I've been relaxed in this week. Hands are still shivery, heart still beats irregularly and I keep forgetting to breathe, but we're almost there.
Almost there.

It’s amazing, isn’t it? 94 days till the English exam. 117 until official graduation. That’s it. That’s everything I’ve ever seen as my future, rushing behind me. Time, disappearing like sand through spread fingers. Not wasted, surely. Just… gone. Past. A memory.
I’ve been thinking about everyone on AN already out of school, reading through everyone’s journals and chuckling as they reminisce about their time in senior year, and how surreal it was to realise, really truly begin to understand that you’re never coming back.

A couple of SACs in P.E. and Maths have been pushed back a week. That would be good news, however it’s because a girl’s mum died extremely suddenly. They turned off her life support a couple days ago after she had a sudden and devastating stroke. This really hit our cohort hard – this is one of the most wonderful families, a cornerstone of the community. The mum was almost a surrogate parent to quite a few students, and I personally am friends with the eldest brother, so this was an awful and cruel stroke of Fate.
We don’t know when the funeral will be, but it looks like we might be taking some time to support the family.

Why is it always the good people to be the ones to go? Why is it that the people we need the most are the ones to abandon us without warning? But no. They’re such childish questions, because it’s not true – we just feel it is. We miss the ‘good’ ones more, and so focus on our loss in them rather than those we never liked.

Isn’t that cruel? That we place value in lives simply because of our relationship with them? We prioritize our love.
But I guess that's human, and natural, to see importance in the known rather than the unknown.

Anyway, as said, it’s been a crazy week. And it’ll all keep getting crazier. Hopefully no more upcoming funerals, but work levels are through the roof again. I hope everyone else is doing okay and keeping their eyes on the finish line. We’re on the countdown. Let’s fight our way there and break that ribbon – not just for ourselves, but for those who need us to carry them a little bit of the way, too.

Love you all.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on August 01, 2018, 03:22:25 pm
Imagine, if you will, the rainbow.
Think of something red.
Now think of something blue. Maybe green, purple, or yellow.

How do they make you feel? How do they make us all feel? Red is strength, strong emotion and aggression. Green is gentle and honest, calming. Blue is soothing and sad. But… how do you describe a colour? Without an example, it’s virtually impossible.

Have you ever thought about how others view the world? We all have an emotional lense, built of our biases and opinions, our cultures and the stories we’ve been told; but what if there was another difference in the mind, one we can’t measure?

Have you ever wondered if the colours we see are the same, or if I see your red for my blue? Society and our upbringing have given us words and connotations for the colours we see. How will we ever know if we see the same thing? If your red is my blue, there’s no way for anyone to know. We think we know, but we never have. And probably never will.

Now, think of this: do we see the world purely out of what we are given? Is any thought truly original? Do we all have a unique outlook, molded to fit into what “makes sense”? What’s the point of colour? What’s the point of fitting in, purely because we need to make sense in another person’s world?

What’s the point in aiming so high, and falling so low?
What’s the point in putting all of my value, all of my worth as a human being, in something that I’m not?
What’s the point in useless attempts to somehow fit into the mold my older sister created? That I embellished?
I’m my own person – I see the world another way. I see the colours, but they have different meaning to me than they do to her. I am not my sister. But I keep trying to be, because with that comes a sense of acceptance. I know it, and I still stumble on as if blind. Not blind to the colours, but blind to the truth of my situation. I’m confused and lost, and good academic standards will do nothing to help me, no matter how many times I convince myself otherwise.

It frustrates me. My fragility and my panic. I’m so weak, but I want to be strong.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Yertle the Turtle on August 01, 2018, 09:46:52 pm
Imagine, if you will, the rainbow.
Think of something red.
Now think of something blue. Maybe green, purple, or yellow.

How do they make you feel? How do they make us all feel? Red is strength, strong emotion and aggression. Green is gentle and honest, calming. Blue is soothing and sad. But… how do you describe a colour? Without an example, it’s virtually impossible.

Have you ever thought about how others view the world? We all have an emotional lense, built of our biases and opinions, our cultures and the stories we’ve been told; but what if there was another difference in the mind, one we can’t measure?

Have you ever wondered if the colours we see are the same, or if I see your red for my blue? Society and our upbringing have given us words and connotations for the colours we see. How will we ever know if we see the same thing? If your red is my blue, there’s no way for anyone to know. We think we know, but we never have. And probably never will.

Now, think of this: do we see the world purely out of what we are given? Is any thought truly original? Do we all have a unique outlook, molded to fit into what “makes sense”? What’s the point of colour? What’s the point of fitting in, purely because we need to make sense in another person’s world?

What’s the point in aiming so high, and falling so low?
What’s the point in putting all of my value, all of my worth as a human being, in something that I’m not?
What’s the point in useless attempts to somehow fit into the mold my older sister created? That I embellished?
I’m my own person – I see the world another way. I see the colours, but they have different meaning to me than they do to her. I am not my sister. But I keep trying to be, because with that comes a sense of acceptance. I know it, and I still stumble on as if blind. Not blind to the colours, but blind to the truth of my situation. I’m confused and lost, and good academic standards will do nothing to help me, no matter how many times I convince myself otherwise.

It frustrates me. My fragility and my panic. I’m so weak, but I want to be strong.
This post expresses so well lots of things that I've often wondered about the world. That idea that we may not see the same colours, we just have set in our mind a definition of "red", "yellow", etc, and since we all have that definition for a constant colour, we all agree on colours, I've wondered that so often. Since we all have different ideas of peaceful, etc. maybe we see different colours differently, the emotions we see in them make them appear differently to us. I've got no idea, but it makes me wonder why I try to fit in when really I am nothing like anyone else in the world, and if I just stand out I can be myself. Being yourself can be hard at times and easy at times, but I wonder if when we try to fit in by being someone different to who we are, we are actually just showing a facet of who we really are.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Bri MT on August 02, 2018, 07:27:22 am


Colours are often used to embody diversity,  so the idea of having invisible diversity in our perception of that is beautiful.  Wouldn't it be remarkable,  if we all our perceptions have a twinge of difference, if we all contain worlds imperceptible to our peers?

Where you see weakness I see struggle, the persistent strength of endurance and the inner strength of abiding.  I see the strength of vulnerability, of opening the gates and taking what may come,  the trust and the pain both.

From each shaded facet you are a gem, a wonder that sees that world and endows it additional meaning
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on August 04, 2018, 05:00:35 pm
These next few weeks are HEKTIK AF so I've been panicking a bit (a lot); decided to write a poem to help me calm down, and it did help. Hopefully the imagery is clear haha. Explanation of each stanza is in the second spoiler.

Was gonna bump the poetry thread with this one, but I guess it's a bit dark. :-/

poem
Breath a short and sickly gasp
against the will
Of a panicked mind
Comfort a foreign ideal
In a land of struggles.

The knowledge of melodrama
And the shame of existence
Little doubts flood
An incoming tide
Of constant regret.

Can’t hold onto what was so easy
Ripped away from the safety of harbor
By fierce waves of emotion
Storms thunder overhead,
And terror engulfs my being.

Waking to the real world,
I stare at the wall
Rocking back and forth
To find solace in a world too still
For my raging mind.

Looking at you, the world stops tilting
Eyes as blue as the sea I drown in
Every night, my dreams bring me back
To the recurring blue
Of the window to your soul.

Breath shakes, but gentle sway
Calms an untold monster
Push away
Fly from here
I want to fall
Into these twin oceans.
Explanation
Breath a short and sickly gasp
against the will
Of a panicked mind
Comfort a foreign ideal
In a land of struggles.


^ this is the panic taking over, against the will of the person panicking. You know what's happening, but you can't stop it. And you don't know how to make it better. It just gets worse and worse until you can't even think.

The knowledge of melodrama
And the shame of existence
Little doubts flood
An incoming tide
Of constant regret.

^ You know exactly what's going on, that things aren't as bad as they seem, and you feel ashamed for not being able to control what's happening. You freeze and doubt yourself, and your brain brings up everything that you're doing wrong, everything that's your fault, which just panics you more.

Can’t hold onto what was so easy
Ripped away from the safety of harbor
By fierce waves of emotion
Storms thunder overhead,
And terror engulfs my being.

^ Now some of the most simple things become too hard, out of your control. Everything begins to spiral into insanity, and it's genuinely scary.

Waking to the real world,
I stare at the wall
Rocking back and forth
To find solace in a world too still
For my raging mind.

^ You're only imagining the panic; most of the time, there's nothing to show, externally anyway, the terror you've spiralled into. For me, I rock back and forth. My eyes don't focus, my hands shake, but I don't speak. I just sit there as if stunned as my mind runs too fast for my body to follow.

Looking at you, the world stops tilting
Eyes as blue as the sea I drown in
Every night, my dreams bring me back
To the recurring blue
Of the window to your soul.

^ Someone very dear to me has solid blue eyes, and they are where I retreat to when my inner world is in ruins.

Breath shakes, but gentle sway
Calms an untold monster
Push away
Fly from here
I want to fall
Into these twin oceans.

^ Sometimes the panic feels like something alive inside of you, and it's terrifying. You feel like you have to rip at your skin to get it out. A monster out of your control. But sometimes a single thing, like a person's presence, can calm this and suppress the panic. Their eyes offer protection, solace from the 'monster'.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: S200 on August 04, 2018, 09:40:36 pm

Looking at you, the world stops tilting
Eyes as blue as the sea I drown in
Every night, my dreams bring me back
To the recurring blue
Of the window to your soul.

^ Someone very dear to me has solid blue eyes, and they are where I retreat to when my inner world is in ruins.

Blue = AtarNotes? ??? ;)
Spoiler

Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on August 07, 2018, 04:57:10 pm
Blue = AtarNotes? ??? ;)

Spoiler

Alas, this is not the blue I meant. However, AN is very dear to me, as are y’all. One day I’ll come up with a metaphorical poem called “The Ballad of AN” for you guys. But for now, I’m referring to literal eyes haha 😊

Short update: halfway through the week. Time flies when you’re stressed about due dates. Did my Bio writeup and my speech, both of which I’m satisfied with, and I know I did my absolute best. Only 5 more assessments this week, and that’s 5 less until the end. I’m still finding it ridiculously difficult to get up in the morning, but I’ve begun to feel… happier, I guess. Freer in myself. I actually made a joke in Bio today. Genuinely smiling. Negative thoughts are still there, but it’s not a constant screaming in my head like it was. It’s not consuming my life right now. I don’t feel a need to sabotage myself like I have so many times, and so even though this term has really tried to pull me down, I’m thriving on the competition. I’m excited for what’s to come. Hoping against hope that this is a long upswing, because it’s perfect for the level of performance needed right now. Still thinking, still working, still breathing. And for the first time in years, hearing my own laughter and not hating it.

So, yeah. Here’s to happiness, for both me and you. And who knows, maybe, against all odds, we will make it.

P.S. Never hesitate to tell someone you appreciate and love them. We don’t know when or if we’ll ever see or hear them again – that’s just the way life is. We take so much for granted, but out of everything, this should not be one of them. So, I love you guys, okay? You’re all appreciated. Take care, peeps.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Mada438 on August 07, 2018, 06:13:30 pm
Alas, this is not the blue I meant. However, AN is very dear to me, as are y’all. One day I’ll come up with a metaphorical poem called “The Ballad of AN” for you guys. But for now, I’m referring to literal eyes haha 😊

Short update: halfway through the week. Time flies when you’re stressed about due dates. Did my Bio writeup and my speech, both of which I’m satisfied with, and I know I did my absolute best. Only 5 more assessments this week, and that’s 5 less until the end. I’m still finding it ridiculously difficult to get up in the morning, but I’ve begun to feel… happier, I guess. Freer in myself. I actually made a joke in Bio today. Genuinely smiling. Negative thoughts are still there, but it’s not a constant screaming in my head like it was. It’s not consuming my life right now. I don’t feel a need to sabotage myself like I have so many times, and so even though this term has really tried to pull me down, I’m thriving on the competition. I’m excited for what’s to come. Hoping against hope that this is a long upswing, because it’s perfect for the level of performance needed right now. Still thinking, still working, still breathing. And for the first time in years, hearing my own laughter and not hating it.

So, yeah. Here’s to happiness, for both me and you. And who knows, maybe, against all odds, we will make it.

P.S. Never hesitate to tell someone you appreciate and love them. We don’t know when or if we’ll ever see or hear them again – that’s just the way life is. We take so much for granted, but out of everything, this should not be one of them. So, I love you guys, okay? You’re all appreciated. Take care, peeps.
This is beautiful poet
Bless you <3
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on August 11, 2018, 06:06:00 pm
This is beautiful poet
Bless you <3
Thanks, Adam

Progression. Time waits for no man. Nobody.
Sometimes I wish I was Nobody, purely so that I could do things Somebody can’t.

Got through Hell Week, with the hiccups being maths (predictable) and P.E. (there goes my 40 RIP). I’m annoyed at myself, but I performed the best I could under pressure. This is a new view, one I couldn’t see at the beginning of the year. I feel like I’ve woken up from a nightmare, still shaking and afraid, but able to see the light of day and the warm heartbeats around me instead of the horrible, silent cold of isolation. I don’t know what to think just yet, but I want to be happy. I want be content where I am, and happy with the answers I have now. The people I have now. The love I have now.

On an academic note: Just signed up and put in my preferences to VTAC. They’re as follows:

1. 2800227451 - Arts/Visual Arts (F/T, P/T) (Monash University, Caulfield)(CSP Bachelor Degree)
2. 3800638991 - Fine Arts (Visual Art) (F/T) (University Of Melbourne (The), Southbank)(CSP Bachelor Degree)
3. 2800328661 - Secondary Education (Honours)/Visual Arts (F/T) (Monash University, Clayton)(CSP Bachelor Degree)
4. 2100321381 - Arts/Science (F/T, P/T) (La Trobe University, Melbourne)(CSP Bachelor Degree)
5. 2800328131 - Arts (F/T, P/T) (Monash University, Clayton)(CSP Bachelor Degree)
6. 2100321741 - Health Sciences (F/T, P/T) (La Trobe University, Melbourne)(CSP Bachelor Degree)

Never really considered teaching, but then I was talking to my P.E. teacher yesterday and he said he only took the course because he liked his health teacher, who suggested – you guessed it – teaching. So I looked at the course, considered what it meant and decided to apply. Even if that means takes the CASPer test haha. I’ll definitely be changing things around a bunch, but for now I’m satisfied with my first preference, at least.

I’ve been thinking a lot, but there’s so much to think about I can’t just choose one thing, so I’ll leave it there. Also, if anyone knows another ANer they can dob in for a birthday, I’m taking b’day commissions – just give me at least a week’s notice, their favourite animal, hobby or game and I’ll make something! :)
(I need ideas for projects, might as well make them special!)

Gotta get back to Bio study for the SAC Monday. Love you all so much. See you, fam. <3
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: technodisney on August 11, 2018, 06:20:46 pm
Also, if anyone knows another ANer they can dob in for a birthday, I’m taking b’day commissions – just give me at least a week’s notice, their favourite animal, hobby or game and I’ll make something! :)
(I need ideas for projects, might as well make them special!)

I know a guy who has his bday this Wednesday.  ;)
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on August 11, 2018, 06:22:12 pm
I know a guy who has his bday this Wednesday.  ;)
Good thing I know him, too ;)
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on August 14, 2018, 07:38:04 pm
Hey, people. <3 Hope y’all don’t mind me rambling so often – it just helps a lot to get stuff off my chest. I feel like I might piss some people off because I’m constantly complaining, so I’m sorry about that. Just ignore me. :)

I’ve been reading through entries from a couple days ago and laughing bitterly at myself. They say, ‘there’s ups and downs, you’ll get through it’; it just sucks that the ups are so short. I went to a party on Sunday, and I was happy. Woke up the next morning with a huge headache, sure, but also a feeling of impending doom. I thought that was gone for at least a little while more, but it’s back after, what, less than a week of bliss? I hate this. I hate it so much. I’m furious at the chemicals in my brain, at the world around me, at myself for letting this happen. Again. For trying to forget.

This is another problem - I lose hope so quickly in myself. I know I do. But I can't seem to stop the illogical doubts. Errrgh.

Been really busy studying, but sometimes it’s just too hard to study. I still have enough control to force myself to at least draw, but I haven’t been eating well (the nausea’s come back) and my heart rate hasn’t fallen under 85 for the past two days at least. I just don’t understand. I feel so ignorant, so naïve and it’s my own body. Why don’t I feel like I have control? Why should I need to fight with myself? Why should anyone?
I just don’t understand… why.

But there I go, getting self-absorbed again. I really do care about you guys, okay? Like, all of you. You're awesome. Please don't ever doubt yourselves, because you're worth the belief that you can get through tough times. Especially when it feels like there's no-one else cheering for you. Because there will always be someone.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Alaska_Young14 on August 14, 2018, 09:32:15 pm
Hey, people. <3 Hope y’all don’t mind me rambling so often – it just helps a lot to get stuff off my chest. I feel like I might piss some people off because I’m constantly complaining, so I’m sorry about that. Just ignore me. :)

But there I go, getting self-absorbed again. I really do care about you guys, okay? Like, all of you. You're awesome. Please don't ever doubt yourselves, because you're worth the belief that you can get through tough times. Especially when it feels like there's no-one else cheering for you. Because there will always be someone.

The fact you can be struggling so much but still have the power to push through and see positives and bring other people up when you are down is just so so inspirational, you are amazing poet xx same to you “NEVER, doubt yourself” - a very wise poet
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on August 18, 2018, 05:02:27 pm
@Alaska -
Thank you, girl. Your post is just proof of what I’ve said about AN. How could I not love a community so encouraging, wholesome and beautiful? Especially beautiful, hey. ;)

It’s funny – I have so much to speak on, but nothing’s really coming out in words. So, you know what they say, when all else fails, talk about the weather.
Melbourne is truly acting like Melbourne today – what a temperamental teenager.
Temperamental like my uneasy stomach. Temperamental like the corellas on our lawn. Temperamental like a student feeling the weight of final days looming behind them, its shadow stretching across the vast plane of unprepared essays and leaking highlighters. Days so inexplicably long, but also way too short. Paradoxical emotions run rampant, and they’ll only get worse. I’m so ridiculously stressed about what the ‘after’ is going to look like – I can only imagine how others feel who don’t know what they want to do.

The unsurety of it all is killing me – why should we pay to apply before we know our standings? Why should we willingly put ourselves in debt? Will my degree be of any use later in life? Will I change my mind as to who I want to be? How will I survive out in this big, cold world without the support of my (helicopter) parents? Can I travel? I want to live as an independent – but realistically, how long will that take? Am I ready for such a significant responsibility? To be completely, brutally honest with myself; life is scaring me to death.

I would give almost anything right now to make the world stop turning, just to give myself – and others – more time to think, and decide, truly, on what’s best for us all. If we had more time, would it be a blessing, or a curse? Both? Neither? But even as I think of this, the time I have dwindles. Every second spent pondering feels like a waste.

So I’ll go back to looking out at the rain outside and tattooing my books in bright colours.
Love you all.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Bri MT on August 18, 2018, 08:40:18 pm
@Alaska -
Thank you, girl. Your post is just proof of what I’ve said about AN. How could I not love a community so encouraging, wholesome and beautiful? Especially beautiful, hey. ;)

It’s funny – I have so much to speak on, but nothing’s really coming out in words. So, you know what they say, when all else fails, talk about the weather.
Melbourne is truly acting like Melbourne today – what a temperamental teenager.
Temperamental like my uneasy stomach. Temperamental like the corellas on our lawn. Temperamental like a student feeling the weight of final days looming behind them, its shadow stretching across the vast plane of unprepared essays and leaking highlighters. Days so inexplicably long, but also way too short. Paradoxical emotions run rampant, and they’ll only get worse. I’m so ridiculously stressed about what the ‘after’ is going to look like – I can only imagine how others feel who don’t know what they want to do.

The unsurety of it all is killing me – why should we pay to apply before we know our standings? Why should we willingly put ourselves in debt? Will my degree be of any use later in life? Will I change my mind as to who I want to be? How will I survive out in this big, cold world without the support of my (helicopter) parents? Can I travel? I want to live as an independent – but realistically, how long will that take? Am I ready for such a significant responsibility? To be completely, brutally honest with myself; life is scaring me to death.

I would give almost anything right now to make the world stop turning, just to give myself – and others – more time to think, and decide, truly, on what’s best for us all. If we had more time, would it be a blessing, or a curse? Both? Neither? But even as I think of this, the time I have dwindles. Every second spent pondering feels like a waste.

So I’ll go back to looking out at the rain outside and tattooing my books in bright colours.
Love you all.


There will be days when your attention is captured solely by the tattoo of raindrops, and while the water may not wash away the memories or hypotheses they'll no longer feel binding. There will be days when your awareness is held in spaces so small that time has stopped for you. There will  be days when the vastness of the future is a promise rather than a threat.


The end of highschool is a turning point, but even if you were to make the "wrong" choice, the worst possible VTAC outcome doesn't even come close to stopping you from leading a rewarding and fulfilling life. You are allowed to change your mind after results, after o-week, after census date, after exams...  You know that you can endure far from ideal circumstances. You will get through this, and we can't wait to see you flourish afterwards (given how great you already are).
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on August 25, 2018, 01:40:54 pm
Thanks for the encouragement, mini. Through the fear, I'm excited for what's to come. :)

I slept for a full 12 hours last night. It’s a first in as long as I can remember, and dammmnnnn it felt good. <3

I’ve been a bit naughty lately and gave myself a couple mental health days throughout the week. Barely any work done in those times, but I felt calm in my Legal SAC and didn’t feel underprepared. It’s been really hard to go to classes, so I’ve skipped a couple (a really, REALLY bad habit) and honestly I’ve just wanted to sleep. A lot. And I’ve actually been able to. Usually, I am constantly sleepy but I can’t fall asleep until 1AM-onwards, waking up at ~4:15, but for the past couple of days I’ve fallen asleep on my books at about 10PM, which is crazy. They say sleep debt isn’t a thing, but I’m beginning to think that’s total bull.

Forgot to take my medication on Wednesday, which was pretty awful. Might be a factor in how bad Wednesday was haha, but yeah, that was the day my legs gave out on me for about 15 minutes. My head felt heavy. I felt sick and exhausted and we lost our hockey game, too. Probably my fault. It was our last game of the season, too. Got my P.E. SAC back and it was 67% which is absolutely awful. I lost my ranking and the voice in the back of my mind was back, mocking. “You thought you were good enough? You thought you could get through it so easily? Well, you can’t. You’re weak and useless. You can’t even stand up today. What is wrong with you? Why can’t you just be like everyone else? You stupid, childish waste of space.” It terrified me to hear it again. I’ve been doing so much better than I was, and having a reminder of what life was like, even compared to now, was horrifying. It wasn’t until then that I realized the difference in my behaviour and thought patterns – I still have a long way to go, but there have been significant improvements.

But besides that, the parrots are back in our yard and reserve! There’s currently rosellas on our lawn, the rainbow lorikeets are a year-round presence, and some kookaburras are nesting in one of our big trees. We might see some babies soon, if we’re lucky. The gang-gang cockatoos and red-tails are around as well, and king parrots have been in our bird feeder and eating our kangaroo apples, too. I’ve seen a couple of tawnies out and about at night, and the possums are fighting for space as we head towards spring. It’s the most exciting time of year for nature right now, and I love watching the animals do what they do. The only downside is rescuing young birds or burying tiny bodies, either attacked by cats or foxes or fallen from their nests. But then again, that’s part of the cycle of nature, too. Life and death. If we as humans, with morals and empathy, kill for food, how can we judge animals with the most basic instincts?

I’d better get back to P.E. work. Love you all.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on August 29, 2018, 05:38:30 pm
Sometimes the emotional hurt is deep down inside, and you just can’t seem to grasp it. Like a splinter in your heart. Sometimes you forget it’s there, but then you accidentally brush it on something and the hurting starts all over again.

12 weeks. Just 12 weeks. Dear god, please just let me get through this.
Just 12 weeks. Please.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: S200 on August 30, 2018, 09:31:35 pm
(http://files.explosm.net/comics/guest2/xxxivi.gif)
Keep holding on... It gets better... :D
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on September 01, 2018, 08:35:49 pm
Sorry all, this is kind of a sad spew of words. I’m sort of not the best right now. Love you, AN.

It’s been a whirlwind few days.
The last couple of nights I’ve fallen into a deep depression again, and I’ve almost relapsed twice. It’s only when I’m alone, so I’ve been hanging out with my older sister a lot more. Finished Code Geass and DAMN that hurt (I have a love/hate relationship with this show), just started on Bungou Stray Dogs, all to distract myself from, well, myself. Probably best to avoid Death Note right now lol. Been finding it very difficult to draw – some weird sort of depressive artist’s block. I’m beating myself up for being so weak, but at the same time I’m terrified and confused. There are only two more weeks till valedictory, and I’m holding out until then. Just doing my best to keep going. Broke down the night of my last post here and scratched my face up a bit in the panic, whoops. Been having nightmares again the past couple of nights, and it hasn’t been too nice. My next appointment with my psych is on Thursday. I’m trying, I really am. I still have the will to look forward, at least. In the lowest moments, it can be too difficult to even open your eyes.

Something positive…
The highlight of my week was our school cancer research fundraiser last night – you guys might know about Relay for Life? Well, the Cancer Council is running the actual one during exam period, so our school did our own on the school oval. It was raining and cold, but people marched on in memory of those who’ve fallen, and those who still fight. My great-grandmother and father. My grandfather. My teachers. My family friends, and personal friends. The children from my brother’s preschool. We walk for them, and pray that they can live the lives they were given, that it’s not stolen so cruelly by their own bodies. My brother did 64 laps around the oval. I did a few less than that, but I was also helping out with the games and general upkeep. It felt good to do something for those we love, and those unknown but still in need. The target was $8,000, but I’m pretty sure we’re making gravy at this stage. It’s so exciting to see our community come together in support for a good cause, rain or shine. And even in the rain, the sunset was stunning.

How many days until exams? I can’t remember anymore. So tired. Everything’s a blur. My Legal book is almost full, I’ll have to get a new one. But I’ll be at the lectures. I’ll get there. I’ll finish exams and I will live. Things will look up again, I can see that now. Even when things look dark, there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve seen it before, and so help me I will see it again. I hope that you all can see it too. The sunrise is beautiful, sometimes more so than the sunset. Because the sunrise always comes after dark, and you’re not blind to beauty any more.

I just have to keep reminding myself of what’s true. My name is Nina. I’m 18 years old. I have depression, and I have anxiety, but these are mere distractions – I will not let them stop me from finding my way in the world. I have found my place and I will fight for it. I will not be dragged down by others or myself. I will stand my ground for what I believe in. And I believe in the sunrise.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Alaska_Young14 on September 03, 2018, 08:14:53 pm
Quote
How many days until exams? I can’t remember anymore. So tired. Everything’s a blur. My Legal book is almost full, I’ll have to get a new one. But I’ll be at the lectures. I’ll get there. I’ll finish exams and I will live. Things will look up again, I can see that now. Even when things look dark, there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve seen it before, and so help me I will see it again. I hope that you all can see it too. The sunrise is beautiful, sometimes more so than the sunset. Because the sunrise always comes after dark, and you’re not blind to beauty any more.

I just have to keep reminding myself of what’s true. My name is Nina. I’m 18 years old. I have depression, and I have anxiety, but these are mere distractions – I will not let them stop me from finding my way in the world. I have found my place and I will fight for it. I will not be dragged down by others or myself. I will stand my ground for what I believe in. And I believe in the sunrise.

You are such a beautiful person Poet. Idk how you do it but the way you can let your negative thoughts overrun for a while and let them speak must be overkill, but the way you turn it around and stomp on it and smack it back in the face and speak your true self and mind is amazing. Not many people can do that. You are one in a million and this just shows how things can leave scars but they can never damage you. You are so so strong poet and even though you may not feel it. Everyone reading this feels it. You have a gift. We all love you and are always here for you xx
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on September 08, 2018, 01:31:49 pm
Alaska, remember one thing - you're more like me than you realise.

Hi everyone. Hope you’re all doing okay.
I’ve seen some people struggling lately; it’s worrying to see those you care for sinking in the quicksand you’ve been trying for so long to escape. But I’ve been healing, slowly but surely, and I have some advice for those stuck in the quicksand right now:

Hold on. There’s always an out.
In quicksand, all you have to do is stop struggling. The more you panic, the farther in you sink. Still yourself. Still your mind. Move yourself slowly, bit by bit, back up to the surface. Find the edge and pull yourself to safety. But, through it all, it takes patience. A lot of patience. And a lot of strength. You might even fall in again, and feel like an idiot for doing so. But you’re not. Every one of us has it in us to fight for survival. And survival is a gift. It’s just that sometimes, it can be hard to see. Especially when you can’t keep your head above the dirty quicksand.

You’re not alone.
Every one of us has felt isolated in the crowd, and every one of us has wished we had a familiar heartbeat to hold onto at night. Loneliness is a part of life – but it’s temporary. Everyone has a place in the world; we just have to find it. Find where you belong, and stick with it. Do something that makes you happy. Smile when you’re hurting, because sometimes others can see that smile, and it will help them with their own struggles. Love the world that seems to hate you, because, if you’re honest with yourself, you know it doesn’t. Your perception will change, and you’ll feel the warmth of the sun again.

Give and take, but give more than you take.
When you’re down, it can be hard to see outside of yourself. Really hard. So fight it. You might feel like your motivation is gone, your energy is spent, but it’s not. Push through, and give people the love they deserve, especially when you feel like you don’t deserve it in return. What they do to you is of no consequence. Survival in the human race means caring for yourself more than others. But if you’re never thanked for giving, it doesn’t mean people aren’t thankful. And caring for others will make you feel better about yourself. That in itself is a gift.

Again, and again, it’s not your fault.
The way you feel is never invalid. The self-hate that permeates everything you do can feel like a visible stink. You begin to feel like others can smell it, and hate yourself for exposing friends, family, strangers, hell, the world to it. A self-perpetuating cycle of hate and a spiral of negativity. The thing you must keep reminding yourself is that every single one of us is more worried about ourselves than those around us. To every individual, the world revolves around them. Most people won’t even notice the lack of enthusiasm or the way you huddle inside yourself, or avoid someone’s eyes. Most people are too worried about their own problems. So don’t be ashamed of yourself, or fearful of judgement. It’s inevitable, but almost never as bad as you think. Just work on improving yourself, over, and over, and over again.

Fight. Failure isn’t the end.
Martin Luther King Jr. once said this:
“If you can’t fly, then run. If you can’t run, then walk. If you can’t walk, then crawl. But whatever you do, you have to keep moving forward.”
So fall. And fall again. Stumble to your feet and keep staggering towards your aim. If your knees feel bloody and bruised, if your mind is screaming to give up, your legs quivering from the effort, don’t give in. A challenge wouldn’t be a challenge if it was easy to beat. If things feel out of control, take the helm and stand your ground. Remember Invictus. Remember that you’re not alone. Remember that there are people who care about you, and think you’re beautiful. People who believe in you for those times you don’t believe in yourself.

Spring is coming. Spring is here. The sun will be out soon, even if clouds are still there in front of it.

Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: PhoenixxFire on September 08, 2018, 03:29:34 pm
Thank you poet
It’s so easy to get stuck in your own perceptions of reality and not be able to see outside of that, so thank you for this. This entire post is so beautiful <3

Also I love that song
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: technodisney on September 08, 2018, 10:13:30 pm
Wow!

After seeing you at school Friday I did not expect you to write this amazing piece of art today.

I don't know how you do it but it seems like what you have written speaks to everyone in some meaningful way.

I actually teared up so much when reading it and I was sitting in the back of the car with a friend trying to save myself from embarrassment.

Thank you for the reminder. :)
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: S200 on September 08, 2018, 10:27:21 pm
I couldn't put it better than the Frank Walker of the forums, but yeah, I really love what you're doing here Poet...

And for anyone who is unfortunate enough to be in a similar position... I'm throwin' a prayer up for ya's all and I hope that the next ~20 days will be better for ya's... ;)

You wouldn't believe how hard it is to find the modify button through tears. No joke Poet, you literally brought me to tears here...


Also...
I'm very, very late on the bandwagon, buut I just got round to reading your first dozen or so posts in this thread...
Although in some aspects it's dark, and others humourous, I couldn't help but connect...

Wither goest thou is the thought that hit me as I read. As <20, do we have purpose? Or are we just here waiting on the world to change, to accept us as what we are, to accept our young voices as what hails the introduction of a new order? What have we done to deserve recognition and acknowledgement at a young age? What is our pathway through this world? do We wait for guidance, or do we blast our way through teh blockades that life loves to place in our way?
IDk tbh, but I love the knowledge that others are facing similar tangles their own way, and if we all react uniquely, we way change the future of the world...

A touch existential, but I needed to get it out b4 the morrow... :-\
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on September 16, 2018, 08:08:06 pm
Well. Hi.
Umm. I’m not really sure what to say right now. After my last post, everything just kind of seems… empty. I’m sorry for making people cry, by the way. Didn’t mean to. I just wanted anyone who’s been in a bad place to know that there’s hope, not just for those around them, but for them specifically. And thanks everyone for your kind words – we have a beautiful community here, and I’d love to be able to support you guys more. :)

So… I’ve been feeling empty for a little while. Very drained. It’s burnout, which is very annoying haha, but my P.E. teacher told me to take a little break this weekend and not beat myself up about it, so I’ve been taking that advice to heart. Went to Sandown Raceway for the Supercars yesterday and loved it, even though it was freezing cold. Still freaking out about the comparative essay, I haven’t finished my practice for tomorrow and my panic is coming back. Can’t think when I’m panicking. Every time I sit down in maths I start crying. Cried a little in Bio too, haven’t done the worksheets. Legal and P.E. are the least stressful, but in P.E. our SAC is on Wednesday and I haven’t even looked at the chapter we’re being assessed on. I’m not doing as well as I thought I would this year and it’s really hitting me the impact exams are having on my life. I’ve had a few stress-induced blood noses, and the worst thing is that everyone’s in the same boat right now. I’m just dealing with it badly. I feel invalidated and disappointed, and I think the despair is affecting me right now. I’ve been eating more, but not drinking more, and my performance in class is still sub-par. I’m afraid that will never change.
Guess who’s going back to her psych?! :D

Neighbour died today. Too many people dying. He was a sweet man – he didn’t deserve the pain he went through. AND he sold his beautiful Holden Senator, and it wasn’t to me, so I’m kinda salty at a dead man. But we’ll get through. It’s just… draining. You know? Like, someone dies and it feels like a bit of life has been drained out of you, too. And soon enough, if people keep dying at the rate they’ve been in my life recently, I’m going to die of… sympathy death or something. Heartbreak. All of me gone. Sometimes it feels like it – like I can see my own ghost in my shadow. I’ve felt so tired lately it’s like I am a ghost. Just a living one.

A positive was that tonight we had Potato Gems. Sort of hash brown bites. I love them when I’m upset, like little potato grease-babies.
Well, still breathing. My legs are still here. Brain’s barely working, but I’m pretty sure it’s up there somewhere. I’m in a warm house with a pet cat and access to the best forum in the world, so no matter how shit life is I’ve still got that. Will update later when I’m less tired. It seems pretty crazy that I’ll be ending this journal in 2 months.
Love you all, individually, specially and unconditionally.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: turinturambar on September 16, 2018, 11:56:39 pm
It seems pretty crazy that I’ll be ending this journal in 2 months.

Just wanted to say that I'm sure there's no rule against continuing to post here after VCE.
So long as you still have things you want to say (whether or not you call it a journal), I think there will continue to be people who want to read them.

I think your teacher was right to tell you to take a little break.
It does sound you've got a lot to make an already stressful time worse, and I'm sorry to hear it.
Hope this week goes better.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Bri MT on September 17, 2018, 08:51:26 am


I'm glad that you've been able to find moments of joy, make some progress on your eating goals, and that you're going back to your psych. :)
I keep procrastinating seeing a counsellor and it's probably not the best

VCE as often talked about as everyone being in the same boat, but I think it's more accurate to say that everyone is travelling down the same river. Some people cross the start line with a lot of momentum, some have yachts powered by fickle winds of motivation, some people have an engine, and some rely solely on paddle-power. And for all of these people skill as a navigator comes in, but it's not really a fair comparison. Your vessel might be more susceptible to being pulled into snags by the current, but that doesn't make you a worse navigator. In fact, through the efforts of needing to untangle yourself and steer your boat back to the centre you're developing skills that others won't be. So although it's easy to look ahead and go "everyone is travelling so much faster/further than me, I thought I'd be there rather than here" try to remember that you don't know if they've been putting in more or less effort than you, are more or less skilled, or are caught in snags below the waterline. Once this race finishes you have the whole ocean to explore, with different conditions - and who knows, maybe sea water and waves suits you better.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on September 25, 2018, 02:09:23 pm
Just wanted to say that I'm sure there's no rule against continuing to post here after VCE.
So long as you still have things you want to say (whether or not you call it a journal), I think there will continue to be people who want to read them.

I think your teacher was right to tell you to take a little break.
It does sound you've got a lot to make an already stressful time worse, and I'm sorry to hear it.
Hope this week goes better.
Thanks, Turin. I'll be closing this one, I think - it's a bit like a VCE journal, and a drastic change such as leaving school calls for a new thread. So I may start a new one for my new chapter in life, may not. But it is encouraging to see that people read what I write and relate to it.

I'm glad that you've been able to find moments of joy, make some progress on your eating goals, and that you're going back to your psych. :)
I keep procrastinating seeing a counsellor and it's probably not the best

VCE as often talked about as everyone being in the same boat, but I think it's more accurate to say that everyone is travelling down the same river.
Hi, mini - just wanted to say you are one of the sweetest people I know, and your advice (and really great metaphors) are always useful. The encouragement definitely comforts me, so thank you for that. :)

This is my song of the day, send help

Well hi kids, hope you children are enjoying the fleeting rays of pure vitamin D that’ve been flitting about lately, eating your vegetables and helping old ladies across the street. I sure have (not really, but I got to see a doggo the other day).
That means it’s probably time for an update.

Fun fact: if you were born on October 5th, you were born on the most common day for, well, births, in the year. Another fun fact, being born on October 5th typically means you were conceived on New Year’s Eve. I know it’s not October right now, but not long to go! :-[

So basically my brain’s a mess, I’m scared, I don’t wanna but I gotta and everything in me is screaming ‘THINK OF ALL THE RANDOM FACTS YOU KNOW INSTEAD OF THAT LEGAL STUDIES PRACTICE SAC AND OH LOOK A VINE QUICK CLICK ON THAT AND HEY I THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW YOU STILL HATE YOURSELF’.
I tend to revert to humour in these times of strife, so pls excuse what seems like inconsiderate banter, I’m actually sad :,)

Anyway that’s all for now, I can't think, sorry for being useless (still), love you guys bye <3 <3
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: PhoenixxFire on September 27, 2018, 10:59:43 am
Well hi kids, hope you children are enjoying the fleeting rays of pure vitamin D that’ve been flitting about lately, eating your vegetables and helping old ladies across the street. I sure have (not really, but I got to see a doggo the other day).
That means it’s probably time for an update.

Fun fact: if you were born on October 5th, you were born on the most common day for, well, births, in the year. Another fun fact, being born on October 5th typically means you were conceived on New Year’s Eve. I know it’s not October right now, but not long to go! :-[

So basically my brain’s a mess, I’m scared, I don’t wanna but I gotta and everything in me is screaming ‘THINK OF ALL THE RANDOM FACTS YOU KNOW INSTEAD OF THAT LEGAL STUDIES PRACTICE SAC AND OH LOOK A VINE QUICK CLICK ON THAT AND HEY I THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW YOU STILL HATE YOURSELF’.
I tend to revert to humour in these times of strife, so pls excuse what seems like inconsiderate banter, I’m actually sad :,)

Anyway that’s all for now, I can't think, sorry for being useless (still), love you guys bye <3 <3
I still revert to memes rather than words, so excuse the very poor spelling and grammar in this
Spoiler
(https://i.imgur.com/L8eHaIC.jpg)
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on October 01, 2018, 01:05:42 pm
Warning: sensitive entry. It goes downhill pretty damn quick lel

Hi everyone. Hope it’s been a decent holiday so far :)
Mine’s been pretty neat. Plenty of study, practice exams, summaries, revision, a party or two, lectures and more study. Went for a nice 7km hike up in the Dandenong Ranges on Saturday – just some time to breathe in the cool, fresh air of the forest and calm myself. Saw a lyrebird, I’ll have to get the photos off my mom, she was digging around for bugs right next to the path! Always a beautiful sight, seeing an elusive bird like that. It makes everything else just… disappear for a little while. The embodiment of wonder.

However, I’ve found myself slipping into depression again. I was at a party Saturday night and my misery led me to drink more than I should have, to the point where I was just slightly inebriated. Funnily enough, I’m a depressed drunk, so it just made it ten times worse. I could feel myself sinking so sat alone for a while, thinking about the awful ways I could die that night with a grim satisfaction, trying to decide on my preferred method in the middle of a vineyard at night. Then a little girl ran up to me and gave me a little bunch of flowers, then told me all about her headband and her cousin over there and how sweet nectar is. I told her about how bees and butterflies help flowers turn into fruit, and that definitely cheered me up a bit, seeing the excitement when she saw the pollen on the flower’s stigma and knew what is was for.

Stopped drinking so much so the effects wore off as the night wore on, and ended up chatting with a nice guy. But as soon as he put his arms around me I started shaking, and I couldn’t stop. The voices I’ve been pushing out of my head with medication and therapy started screaming at me again, back in full force. Telling me it was dangerous. Telling me I didn’t deserve it. Telling me that someone as worthless as myself didn’t deserve this attention, that I should push him away, insult him, fight him, somehow get him away from me even though the rest of me just wanted to be in the moment and relate with someone who could understand me.

I want to be able to be me. I want to live in the moment and feel like I can be appreciated without consequence. Start living like a human being, without the feeling of constant judgement. I strain to put the past behind me, but it still hurts, rising like the Dark Mark every single damn time I feel like, just maybe, someone will love me. I remind myself that I don’t deserve it, or somehow convince myself it will only end in hurt again. And I know it’s not true, but I still never have the strength to fight the instinct to turn away and run. Not everyone is out to get me, or there purely to take advantage of my body, and my innocence. Not everyone is like those in my past. The worst part was I thought I was getting better. But pushing things to the back of your mind isn’t getting better, it’s letting the negativity fester, and grow, and take over again.

So, I’m sinking. I’m not eating right now. I’m scared. And I’m angry. Both at myself for this unending cycle, and at those who created the cycle in the first place. My parents, for bringing me into this world. The people who hurt me. And myself. Spiral, spiral, spiral.
I think it’s time for another psych visit.

Song: Austin Blue – Inconsequential
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Bri MT on October 01, 2018, 01:49:09 pm



biology and a Harry Potter reference in your last entry? too relatable.


Seeing a lyrebird is amazing - I'm glad you had that experience.

For me, I know that running off into the trees of a state/national park and being alone is one of the more restorative things I can do. I hope that your hike helped you as much as they sometimes help me (even if you don't have the luxury of being on your own).


I can only have a very limited understanding of what your headspace is and how you have been/are being impacted by your experiences but my guess is that you have been getting better and now you've hit a dip again. Please remember that your perception of your self is likely to be more negative than reality because of where you are at the moment. We believe in you. We're grateful for you. And we'll keep supporting you as best we can.


Knowing it's not true is a step.

I've been told for what feels like my whole life that I "need to just move on/let go" and that I'm bad at that (and I haven't even dealt with anything *that bad*); I don't feel like I'm capable of giving advice on putting the past behind you. But overtime you can learn to carry even the experiences that seem to never go away differently.

The cycle becomes a spiral with an out, and since seeing a psychologist has a good chance of helping you on that journey I hope that you do get that support.


Best of luck, my friend
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on October 08, 2018, 08:44:26 pm
Hi allllll
Oh boy, hmm, okay, life. Let’s see… I’ll make it a picture.

She sits in the corner humming to Songbird by Fleetwood Mac in her flannel shirt and Batman-themed pajama shorts, her hair straggly and unbrushed, her face makeup-free and dismal. A Word document stays stubbornly unloaded and so, struggling over yet another practice exam, she flies back to the beginning of these holidays, and wonders what she should write.

She begins with the holiday classes, remembering the small liberation of a weekend, breathing space before diving into a full English trial exam. The storm never seems to wane, a blizzard of papers and stinging mistakes. She makes the same blunders over and over again, sure it’s right this time, yet somehow inexplicably wrong. Always wrong, over and over, as she finds the definition of insanity. But anxiety acts as a blindfold, and she continues to stumble as the time slips through her fingers. She has a crown, built of fragile hourglasses, trickling towards the unknown. Sitting in her chair, she feels the time as a physical weight on her skull, shifting even in her efforts to tip it the other way. Her stillness only serves to exaggerate the inexorable march of destiny.

Will be drawing that picture, I think.

I thought I had time.
I don’t.
Not saying I haven’t used the time I had (I’ve worked damn hard) but now the finality is really hitting me. It’s here. Next week is my last week of school, ever. Three, four weeks after that, and I’m free. But I’m still scared. I know I’ve said this before, but it’s just going ‘round and ‘round in my mind. ‘It’s over, no more chances, you’d better live up to expectations, you’d better work it out, or else you’re just proving your worthlessness. Your sister did well, so there’s no excuse for you. How dare you think you can do this’. EEERGH YEAR 12 WHY. I keep switching between amusement, apathy and blinding panic, and I’m getting tired of it. I couldn’t sleep until 4AM this morning; too tired to even finish a book or draw, just lying staring at the ceiling, worrying about WASTED TIME, and I think I might start taking my sleeping pills.

Been much better with physical contact lately, though. It’s probably just a need for a stable place, but I’ve been kind of cuddly haha – nice change, but also not nice because it’s just another reaction to stress. Oh well. I hung out with the chickens again today – visited my psych a few days ago. Doing all I can to look after myself, others and my workload at the same time. But I’m still low, and I honestly just want hugs right now haha, bye guys love you all; thanks for being so nice.
Love you.
Especially you. Yes, you.
You're a cool bean. :3
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Bri MT on October 08, 2018, 09:06:23 pm
Doing all I can to look after myself, others and my workload at the same time.
No one has any right to ask more than that of you,  including yourself
<3

There's this lie we're implicitly told about year 12, that your ATAR somehow reflects your value but it doesn't. It never has;  it never will. Unfortunately many of us only realise this weeks and weeks after year 12 is over.
I wish I knew how to give that understanding and save you from the stress but I don't.  What I do know is that you'll get through this,  and eventually it'll just be a story.

Long story,  but I worked really hard and stressed myself out a lot for no material gain.  I don't really regret it but I had a goal I was desperate to achieve and I kind of got it but it didn't mean what I thought it did
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: sweetiepi on October 08, 2018, 09:14:30 pm
Been much better with physical contact lately, though. It’s probably just a need for a stable place, but I’ve been kind of cuddly haha – nice change, but also not nice because it’s just another reaction to stress. Oh well. I hung out with the chickens again today – visited my psych a few days ago. Doing all I can to look after myself, others and my workload at the same time. But I’m still low, and I honestly just want hugs right now haha, bye guys love you all; thanks for being so nice.
Love you.
Especially you. Yes, you.
You're a cool bean. :3
I understand how stress can make you feel kinda cuddly- that's me on the regular. Although cuddles and hugs can trigger the Oxytocin hormone- which I think is pretty cool nifty anyways! :D
It'll all be okay <3

You're the cool bean. Don't you forget it! ^-^
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: tomatosauce on October 08, 2018, 09:31:43 pm
Here's that hug you need! 🤗 You are almost there... don't stop yet!

It’s over, no more chances, you’d better live up to expectations, you’d better work it out, or else you’re just proving your worthlessness. Your sister did well, so there’s no excuse for you. How dare you think you can do this’.
Don't go there... you can only do as much as you can... I once read this - "perfection isn't possible, but strive for it and you can achieve excellence!" Don't let people's expectations weigh you down... you're you, NOT your sister!
you might not want to read this mini rant!
Believe me I know about this... I have a 13 months-younger-than-me sister who is better than me at EVERYTHING! She's beautiful, attracts people, sporty, smart, musical, artistic... the list goes on!


Poet... you are an amazing person, focus on what you can control and try to stop stressing about what you can't! We're here for you! 🤗

P.S. your descriptive writing is AMAZING!
Spoiler
Let’s see… I’ll make it a picture.

She sits in the corner humming to Songbird by Fleetwood Mac in her flannel shirt and Batman-themed pajama shorts, her hair straggly and unbrushed, her face makeup-free and dismal. A Word document stays stubbornly unloaded and so, struggling over yet another practice exam, she flies back to the beginning of these holidays, and wonders what she should write.

She begins with the holiday classes, remembering the small liberation of a weekend, breathing space before diving into a full English trial exam. The storm never seems to wane, a blizzard of papers and stinging mistakes. She makes the same blunders over and over again, sure it’s right this time, yet somehow inexplicably wrong. Always wrong, over and over, as she finds the definition of insanity. But anxiety acts as a blindfold, and she continues to stumble as the time slips through her fingers. She has a crown, built of fragile hourglasses, trickling towards the unknown. Sitting in her chair, she feels the time as a physical weight on her skull, shifting even in her efforts to tip it the other way. Her stillness only serves to exaggerate the inexorable march of destiny.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: hums_student on October 08, 2018, 09:50:56 pm
Hey Poet! Just want to echo tomatosauce's point above, don't let yourself feel dictated by other people's expectations. They don't know you nearly as well as you do, and anyway, it's your life after all, so live it for yourself, not others. Especially when it comes to family, I guess it's so easy for us to feel entrapped in trying to live up to the achievements of our siblings, because 'hey, you've got the same surname, so you must have the same strenghths and weaknesses amirite?' :-\  But it's ok, you guys are two different people after all, you're an individual, not your sister's shadow. You have your own strengths, like writing for example (that first two paragraphs are AMAZING!).

Got my own little rant too lol
I totally understand when you say you're expected to do as well as your sister. I've got a twin sister who got a raw 47 in methods when we were in year 10, when I still didn't know what the heck VCE was. She's aiming for a 99.95 while I'd be happy to get above 80. She's got her life planned to the age of 35 while I'm still hesitant about university. At school I'm better known as 'the maths genius's brother'. At least twice a day I think to myself 'why did I miss out on the smart genes'. But I guess in the end you just gotta accept it, and learn how to develop your own strengths.

To quote some random cheesy quote I found on the internet, it's not about being dealt a bad hand, it's about being dealt a bad hand but still winning the game.

Hang in there! I'm rooting for you :D
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Vaike on October 08, 2018, 09:56:01 pm
Not saying I haven’t used the time I had (I’ve worked damn hard) but now the finality is really hitting me. It’s here. Next week is my last week of school, ever. Three, four weeks after that, and I’m free. But I’m still scared. I know I’ve said this before, but it’s just going ‘round and ‘round in my mind.

Poet! I felt exactly the same way last year; I was irrationally scared for it all to come to an end. But as miniturtle already said, eventually it'll be just a story. You're so close to the end now, keep pushing through. I know personally I was able to cope with the pressure a little bit better when I began to think more about what I wanted and where I wanted to be, maybe such a focus might help you too. Over the next few weeks please take the time to look after yourself as the others have already said, and I'm sure you'll get out the other side a-okay :) You've got this.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on October 12, 2018, 08:22:25 pm
Hi kids, welcome back to the hit show “I Ducked It Up Again”! :D

I don’t think I’ve ever been more in love with a book than I am with ATAR Notes’ complete course notes on Further Mathematics… that is to say, I hate maths with a passion, but this book is my survival guide and I cannot thank Susanne Kitching and Brady Price enough. (Also Jack. Definitely also Jack. If I manage to get above a 30 in maths I am marrying you and you can’t stop me.)

So before this becomes a VCE Journey Journal I’m going to say the reason I’m here is because I’m not feeling too well. I’ve been struggling for a bit, but Wednesday night was devastating and I missed school yesterday because of it (first time this year). Ironically, I was in a really dark place on Mental Health Day, so that’s kind of funny? But not.
Umm, I’m not sure if it’s the stress of school or whatever, but right now it’s been really difficult, and very, very black in my head. I’m doing my best to push through, though. Mucking about on games threads and exercising my new power as mod ( >:D ) has been a great distraction! technodisney’s been sure to hug me and encourage me at school, too. And reading your encouragement is a huge help with that as well. I’ve been meaning to PM you all separately, so if you haven’t gotten a ‘thank you’ yet it’s coming, because you’re genuinely appreciated for being such a positive community. :)

Anyway, I’ve managed to plough through two Legal exams, a PE exam and another maths exam. I’ve also been reading up on English stuff, so I’ll be writing a TR and a language analysis soon, even though I need to work on my comparative writing (I hate comparatives, too). Just working on distracting myself and taking my meds and seeing my psych and laughing and making sure I’m not alone for long periods of time, so I won’t get stuck in the spirals of my messed-up head. Baby steps are still steps, right?

Keep going, keep fighting, keep climbing.
Love you all. <3
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: jazcstuart on October 12, 2018, 11:11:08 pm
Poet,
I've been reading you journal for a little while now and I just wanted to say you are honestly one of the most inspiring people I know (and i don't even know you very well). I am constantly amazed at the way you remain hopeful and encouraging despite your struggles, and the way you are always thinking about others even when you have every right to be putting yourself first. I'm sure I don't understand half of what you are going through, but your strength and determination comes through in every post you make.

I just wanted you to know that you inspire me and I'm sure many others, and you spread so much love. Everyone on Atarnotes is supporting you, and it wouldn't be the same without you <3
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: S200 on October 12, 2018, 11:56:15 pm
I can't do anything but echo Jazcstuart, and you already know that this journal is an insight for me ;)
Just gonna say that it's the climb Poet, so keep working at it till you get that view that you deserve from the top! :D

Edit; ALTHOUGH I'm kinda Jealous that you got 5 squares b4 I did!   :) ;)
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Owlbird83 on October 13, 2018, 08:03:02 am
Hi Poet!
I really admire how you can express your thoughts and feelings in writing so well, and your amazing resilience. I just want to say I am another person supporting you and good luck!  :)

p.s. I love your new profile picture!
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on October 19, 2018, 04:46:19 pm
Thank you for the compliments on my new DP people hahaha I’m so embarrassed.

(Currently sitting in a cinema waiting for Venom to come on and im using the free WiFi for AN lol what relationship goals)

Just a short update. I was Elsa today. Then I was a year 12 with a water gun. Then I was a girl on the beach. Now I’m a girl sitting in the cinema foyer. And soon I’ll be a girl on SWOTVAC.. I’m scared but okay with it. Today’s been a good day, and I’m happy with my life.

That’s it. Love you all.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on October 23, 2018, 04:16:23 pm
Good news, everybody! It was my kitty’s 9th birthday the other day – HBD, Jazzy baby! (I’ve taken her collar off for a little and she’s sprinting up and down the hallway like a savage beast. As soon as I put her collar on again she’s gonna mope around and pretend she didn’t feel the call of the wild in her little predatory heart)
Look at her in a party hat! :D yaaaaay
(https://i.imgur.com/YfJUhTN.jpg)

Does anyone know the feeling of, no matter where you go, eyes on the back of your neck? That feeling like you’re being watched. All the time. Like the fuzz in your peripheral vision is hiding something. I dunno, I think they call it paranoia. Haha I’m paranoid right now. It kind of feels like the future is some sort of shadow, creeping ever closer whenever I blink. A Weeping Angel. And if I don’t keep my eyes open, it’ll grab me and pull me under before I’m ready. I know I’ve complained about this before. It’s a cycle. Sleeping’s hard. Studying’s hard. And I swear, English is about to drive me utterly insane. It’s like banging my head against a brick wall. AND THE EXAM IS IN A WEEK.

AAAAHHHHHHH

SWEET JESUS ALL I WANT IS AN 80, LORD HAVE MERCY

I KNOW THEY SAY YOUR SELF-WORTH SHOULDN’T BE INVESTED IN A SINGLE NUMBER OR ACHIEVEMENT BUT THIS IS 13 YEARS OF MY LIFE AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’LL DO IF I FAIL BY MY OWN STANDARDS.

And I’m going to fail. I just know it. I’ll get a 74.95 and it won’t be good enough because it was a twentieth of a point from what I would call an achievement for myself. Did I mention it was my cat’s birthday? Haha I am slowly dying what is wrong with me.

VCAA, I hate you. Thanks for diminishing my already dismal self-worth. But I can’t blame it on VCAA, because the responsibility to do well lies with me and me alone. But I can’t. Can’t… what? Mmmmmmmmmmmmm I just want to scream and walk away.

edit: after reading this, I realise how negative it sounded. How negative it is, really. But just because I want to give up does not mean I will. No way. It doesn't matter if I fail, all that matters is that I finish, and prove to myself I can get through.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: jazcstuart on October 23, 2018, 05:35:09 pm
Good news, everybody! It was my kitty’s 9th birthday the other day – HBD, Jazzy baby! (I’ve taken her collar off for a little and she’s sprinting up and down the hallway like a savage beast. As soon as I put her collar on again she’s gonna mope around and pretend she didn’t feel the call of the wild in her little predatory heart)
Look at her in a party hat! :D yaaaaay
(https://i.imgur.com/YfJUhTN.jpg)

Does anyone know the feeling of, no matter where you go, eyes on the back of your neck? That feeling like you’re being watched. All the time. Like the fuzz in your peripheral vision is hiding something. I dunno, I think they call it paranoia. Haha I’m paranoid right now. It kind of feels like the future is some sort of shadow, creeping ever closer whenever I blink. A Weeping Angel. And if I don’t keep my eyes open, it’ll grab me and pull me under before I’m ready. I know I’ve complained about this before. It’s a cycle. Sleeping’s hard. Studying’s hard. And I swear, English is about to drive me utterly insane. It’s like banging my head against a brick wall. AND THE EXAM IS IN A WEEK.

AAAAHHHHHHH

SWEET JESUS ALL I WANT IS AN 80, LORD HAVE MERCY

I KNOW THEY SAY YOUR SELF-WORTH SHOULDN’T BE INVESTED IN A SINGLE NUMBER OR ACHIEVEMENT BUT THIS IS 13 YEARS OF MY LIFE AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’LL DO IF I FAIL BY MY OWN STANDARDS.

And I’m going to fail. I just know it. I’ll get a 74.95 and it won’t be good enough because it was a twentieth of a point from what I would call an achievement for myself. Did I mention it was my cat’s birthday? Haha I am slowly dying what is wrong with me.

VCAA, I hate you. Thanks for diminishing my already dismal self-worth. But I can’t blame it on VCAA, because the responsibility to do well lies with me and me alone. But I can’t. Can’t… what? Mmmmmmmmmmmmm I just want to scream and walk away.
Aww that's so cute, happy b'day Jazzy! I'm honoured your cat is named after me (or am I named after your cat?  ???)

(Hope you don't mind me posting on your journal again  :-\)
Sorry if this is unhelpful, and I know you already know this, but just keep remembering you ARE worth more, far more, than a number based on how you perform in a few exams over a few months of your 18-year life. I completely understand that there is so much pressure because, as you said, it feels like 13 years of schooling comes down to now, so it can be really disheartening if you don't achieve what you would have liked to. But one thing that really struck me about graduation at my school was that everyone was smiling and congradulating each other, because honestly the biggest achievement, no matter what marks we get in the end, is that we all made it. We finished our 13 years of school. And because of that simple achievement, we now have so many more opportunities available to us. Even if some of us don't reach as high as we wanted, there are so many other opportunities to achieve what we want in the future.

So I guess what I'm saying is to remember over the next few weeks, no matter what happens, is that you made it. Don't let aiming for certain marks or a particular atar make you forget all the other things you have achieved over the last 18 years of your life. Failure is NEVER a given, but even if you don't quite reach what you are hoping for, you gave it a damn good go! And you should be so proud of yourself for that.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: technodisney on October 23, 2018, 05:42:11 pm
I have seen how hard you work, you are doing so well and are putting so much effort in. Regardless of whatever number they give you at the end of the year you will be able to say thats your best, and that is all that you can do, your best. Whereas I can look back on the year and regret not doing work when I could have you do not have that option, I have seen you work so well all year.

Keep pushing through, you've got this


WARNING INSPIRATION AHEAD
[/b](https://media.fooducate.com/comments/images/5ABF27A4-4B8E-9330-4165-804EA10B210D-48064.jpeg)(http://mnb-wpengine.netdna-ssl.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/0316_App-Wallpapers_Keisha4.png)(https://i.pinimg.com/originals/43/e2/8d/43e28db971ca0b9d977757e9ff8486d8.jpg)(http://cdn.thefunnybeaver.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/Motivational-And-Inspirational-Quotes-Youre-Going-To-Love-432.jpg)(https://66.media.tumblr.com/48e8834a886a069e0dc63bdd68a06b88/tumblr_pfbrbh7BFB1rpu8e5o1_500.png)(https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/moistmeme/images/c/c0/Just_do_it.gif/revision/latest?cb=20150726040336)
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: EEEEEEP on October 24, 2018, 10:32:03 am
Good news, everybody! It was my kitty’s 9th birthday the other day – HBD, Jazzy baby! (I’ve taken her collar off for a little and she’s sprinting up and down the hallway like a savage beast. As soon as I put her collar on again she’s gonna mope around and pretend she didn’t feel the call of the wild in her little predatory heart)
Look at her in a party hat! :D yaaaaay
(https://i.imgur.com/YfJUhTN.jpg)

Does anyone know the feeling of, no matter where you go, eyes on the back of your neck? That feeling like you’re being watched. All the time. Like the fuzz in your peripheral vision is hiding something. I dunno, I think they call it paranoia. Haha I’m paranoid right now. It kind of feels like the future is some sort of shadow, creeping ever closer whenever I blink. A Weeping Angel. And if I don’t keep my eyes open, it’ll grab me and pull me under before I’m ready. I know I’ve complained about this before. It’s a cycle. Sleeping’s hard. Studying’s hard. And I swear, English is about to drive me utterly insane. It’s like banging my head against a brick wall. AND THE EXAM IS IN A WEEK.

AAAAHHHHHHH

SWEET JESUS ALL I WANT IS AN 80, LORD HAVE MERCY

I KNOW THEY SAY YOUR SELF-WORTH SHOULDN’T BE INVESTED IN A SINGLE NUMBER OR ACHIEVEMENT BUT THIS IS 13 YEARS OF MY LIFE AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’LL DO IF I FAIL BY MY OWN STANDARDS.

And I’m going to fail. I just know it. I’ll get a 74.95 and it won’t be good enough because it was a twentieth of a point from what I would call an achievement for myself. Did I mention it was my cat’s birthday? Haha I am slowly dying what is wrong with me.

VCAA, I hate you. Thanks for diminishing my already dismal self-worth. But I can’t blame it on VCAA, because the responsibility to do well lies with me and me alone. But I can’t. Can’t… what? Mmmmmmmmmmmmm I just want to scream and walk away.

edit: after reading this, I realise how negative it sounded. How negative it is, really. But just because I want to give up does not mean I will. No way. It doesn't matter if I fail, all that matters is that I finish, and prove to myself I can get through.
Good attitude =).

Do not ever give up! Even if you feel like giving up, you can always give more (despite, what your mind says)^^.  Like holy moly, you've had such a crazy year, but you're still going at it. I'm really proud of you, for pushing through all of your struggles, despite the troubles that you have had :D.

PS, don't let your ATAR or  marks define you. They are only a reflection of how you did in one year in tests. Test marks do not reflect your worth, but rathermore, can change as a result of your current circumstances/situation!  ;D There are people that have gotten sub 80 Atars, whom have done big big things.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on October 27, 2018, 08:09:21 pm
First off, anyone's welcome to reply as much as they want to this journal. When I started it, I was happy to hear other people's opinions and experiences - that hasn't changed. This is a safe place, and a free space, so if anyone wants to have a say, anytime, I encourage it. :)

This one's a bit negative. Okay, so a lot negative.
Feel free to skip this one if you don't want to be sad.

(http://24.media.tumblr.com/b050dc776df644d2270defb3af4a51e3/tumblr_n2wd6dLh3V1r2yc90o1_500.gif)

Yeah. After walking out of that trial exam after writing two paragraphs yesterday, hiding the rest of the day, then crying myself to sleep last night, I’m feeling pretty empty. Like, I woke up this morning and just lay there. For hours. I only got up when my mother marched into my room and yelled at me for wasting valuable study time, which I’d told her I was going to use. And didn’t. She cleaned my hellhole of a room for me because I couldn’t do it myself. I hadn’t vacuumed in more than a month. My floor was covered in dirty clothes. I hadn’t brushed my hair in three days. Everything was covered with dust and I had left notes to myself scattered everywhere. She dragged me downstairs and force-fed me because I don’t want food right now, especially because of my braces – but also because I just don’t want to be here. Don’t get me wrong, I’m giving myself goals. Just focus on the time day by day. Hour by hour. Paragraph by paragraph. Mark by mark. But I keep fading. Looking out the window and watching the birds spin on wings I’ll never have. With freedom I’ll never win. And it frustrated me, and deflated me, and now I’m sitting here and wondering why I ever thought I could try. Thinking of the impact I could ever have on the world. Thinking of my place, and the reason I’m here. Thinking of thinking and why I have to think so much when others don’t seem to think at all. Would it be a better life, not having to think about my worthlessness in the scheme of things? Or a worse one, never knowing that I had no heroic end? I want to live for others, but this… thing in me - I guess it is me – keeps pushing back. It’s not a hole I can hang onto the lip of with my fingernails. This is walking on the beach, way out on the sand, and never realising that the tide rises around you until you look up and you’re there, all alone on an island far away from shore. And there’s no-one you can blame but yourself.

The panic keeps rising, like the water. I keep pretending I can’t see it. I tell myself it’s fine. The tide doesn’t come up this high. I can stand here and the cold will never touch me. But it does. It does, and does, and climbs up my spine and squeezes my lungs and clenches my throat and then my head is underwater and I’m drowning, drowning, and grounding, and drowning, and breathing but there’s not enough time because my nose is underwater and I can’t swim in this storm. Then time’s up. And I’m done.

The positivity is melting. It’s so hard. But there’s no-one I can blame but myself. “I’m excited for the finish!” I said. But why should I be? There’s no real future except this stupid tide flooding its markers again. And again, and again. I have times when I’m done fighting. Maybe this is one of those times. I need to rest, I need to breathe, but the black water won’t let me.

Wings. I need wings.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: PhoenixxFire on October 28, 2018, 12:52:14 am
You are not alone.

I actually knew the perfect meme to use in place of words but I can’t find it so I’m going to have to attempt to use words to convey emotion so bare with me lol

You are not alone.

None of us can ever truly understand what you’re going through, but we’re all right here with you. We’ll stay by your side through the night as the tide rises ever higher, and in the morning the sun will rise and warm the water that surrounds you.

Tides recede. This tide will recede. It may come back, but it will go again, that is the nature of tides. And every time the tide comes in you will be a little better at predicting it, you will have time to move to higher ground. And maybe a big wave will come and catch you unawares and drag you back under with it, maybe it will set you back a bit, but you’ll keep on moving. Higher and higher, until you can sit on the beach and watch the sun sparkle off the waves that were once so scary.

I love you Xx

still going to include memes though
(http://i.imgur.com/PR0W7qk.jpg)

(http://i.imgur.com/ofFYgSG.jpg)

(http://i.imgur.com/mpXBXpl.jpg)

(http://i.imgur.com/mSYEpiz.jpg)

(http://i.imgur.com/PnKwXsg.jpg)

(http://i.imgur.com/uKX1MZe.jpg)
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: headsup on October 29, 2018, 03:40:49 pm
poet. you just made me cry.....

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through.... no-one will ever truly understand.... just take the time you need to get over this. everyday is going to be better than the one before and we are always going to be to support you.... remember you have a family here. we support each other when times get rough...

most importantly. we will never give up on you. even when you feel that life has gotten too bad remember. always somewhere, someone has/is feeling the way you are.... everyone has there disappointments in life but the strongest ones my friend are the ones that get up to fight another day. the ones that face that fear. ones that will always know that somehow this will get better....

we believe in you. never feel that you havent made an impact. you have made a huge impact here.... you have always been positive as long as i have known you on here.....

believe in yourself. you can do this <3 <3
personal story - dont feel you have to read
At the age of 9 I lost my Grandfather to bowel cancer. He lived 24 hours on the other side of the world and I had only seen him 3 times. However, my mother and father went over to spend time with him before he passed away. They were still there when he passed away and to me as a 9 year old I felt like I was going to die. I locked myself in the bathroom at my grandmothers house and wept. I sat there for over 2 hours. I felt that my parents had abandoned me and that I was left to struggle through this world on my own. It took me weeks to come to the realisation that no matter what I did or what i said would bring my grandfather back...

it took me a long time but slowly I realised that in reality I was causing more pain for myself. i didn't need to do this to my self. i needed to rise above. and the way i managed to was by helping others. i learnt that in truth everyone else was struggling too. they all needed support. they all needed comfort.

to this day often I think of my grandfather. usually I cry when i do. but somewhere deep inside of me a piece of him lives on.... he was always happy everytime i saw him and yet his wife struggled with depression. to this day he is a role-model.... he was an achiever and there is no reason that you are not.
we all needed to overcome these obstacles.... life is never easy but it is about rising about the challenges and showing others you are a stronger person. never let others drag you down but know that the only reasons others drag you down is because you are better than them....

rise above the waves and know that deep down inside you this is not really who you are.... you are worth something. you are making an impact in this world...

thinking of you.........
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: AngelWings on October 30, 2018, 03:11:22 pm
Wings. I need wings.
Unfortunately, I can only offer support and my own wings (from my username).
And now I'm offering them to you.

Hope you're okay. You have a crazy amount of support behind you. You're more than welcome to PM me whenever to simply talk. 
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on October 31, 2018, 07:04:42 pm
I'm sorry for being so negative lately, everyone - while I've got my head above water for a little, here's an update:

So. Some very helpful person lended me their wings for the day, and for that I am grateful. You can have them back now, Angel! (But I’ll need them back Friday afternoon pls?)
Thanks for your encouragement all, whether that be via PM or post – logging in this morning just before I walked out the door to see an inbox inundated with lovely messages was seriously the most calming thing ever – where would I be without you guys?

Anyway, here’s the deal – WE DID IT, GUYS! Three hours of our lives gone, but we’ll never have to be so wasteful with our time again (when it comes to English (if we don’t want to)). I’m not feeling very confident – I feel like my arguments were shallow and weak, and I’m pretty sure I messed up ALL of my topic sentences, but I managed to complete the entire TR on I for Isobel, the language analysis (that poor café oml) and most of my comparative. Fingers crossed for a 35 in English, but I dunno. :/ I’m pretty proud of myself for only taking one break, but I also feel irrationally guilty for taking that break haha – I didn’t have special consideration so it cut into my writing time, but I know that without allowing myself that little bit of time to sit alone and breathe, it would have been an even worse outcome.

To be honest, I’ve been beating myself up about the “has-beens” and “coulda-beens” (geddit hahahahaha??!?) swirling around in my head, something I could have argued, a better sentence structure – but I also keep reminding myself that I did it. I sat through it and I wrote what I could, just like the 43,000 other students out there. It’s pretty difficult to settle down and focus on the next few steps (Bio and Further eek) but I’ll get through the best I can, with the help of free food, medication and extra hugs, and soon I’ll never have to worry about any of them again. None of us will. Pretty cool, huh?

Love you all. Thanks for being the best community I’ve ever been blessed to be a part of. 6/5 star rating <3
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: AngelWings on October 31, 2018, 08:59:03 pm
So. Some very helpful person lended me their wings for the day, and for that I am grateful. You can have them back now, Angel! (But I’ll need them back Friday afternoon pls?)
Whenever you need them, Poet, they'll be there. :D

Good luck for the rest of your exams! Hope the motivation stays strong within you for as long as you need it to!
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: headsup on October 31, 2018, 09:33:24 pm
Awesome job poet!!!!

I am sure that you will be fine and that the result will be better than you expect. Remember that you have done your best that you could and it is all over now.

Best of luck with the exam on Friday. Stay positive. Of course we are here for you.....
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on November 03, 2018, 02:28:54 pm
Underwater again. It’s funny how, when I think too much, I forget to close my lips and it slips into my lungs and then I can’t breathe; and I don’t have the energy to fight it.

Halfway through. That’s 50% of my finals over and done with. But I can’t stop thinking about what I could have done better, and whether I made a stupid mistake. I’m so mad at myself for letting the spiral happen again but the spiral isn’t a something, the spiral is me. But I guess I am a something, a physical substance, even though I can feel like a nothing. Honestly this sucks. I thought – hoped – that with every exam finished I would be another step closer to happiness, and all that. I don’t know if that will ever happen. If the spiral will ever change.

Some old friends have been in contact lately, and it’s kind of strange to see how much we’ve changed since primary school. The social dynamic, language choice, punctuation in writing, faces and bodies and lives – people move through life like it’s some sort of pool, swimming through the viscous liquid of memories and experiences, strokes strong and sure in some, fatigued and out-of-form in others. None of us are the same, but there’s still a familiarity and bond that may never disappear. But why is that? When so much has changed, do we base our opinion of someone from what we knew, or what we know?

But no matter how hard I think, I can’t ever know.
I don’t know why I’m hurting all the time, when I know I’m loved and cared for.

I’m broken, but no matter how hard I think, I’ll never be able to fix me.
Dammit.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Erutepa on November 03, 2018, 07:00:26 pm
Underwater again. It’s funny how, when I think too much, I forget to close my lips and it slips into my lungs and then I can’t breathe; and I don’t have the energy to fight it.

Halfway through. That’s 50% of my finals over and done with. But I can’t stop thinking about what I could have done better, and whether I made a stupid mistake. I’m so mad at myself for letting the spiral happen again but the spiral isn’t a something, the spiral is me. But I guess I am a something, a physical substance, even though I can feel like a nothing. Honestly this sucks. I thought – hoped – that with every exam finished I would be another step closer to happiness, and all that. I don’t know if that will ever happen. If the spiral will ever change.
Congratulations on getting this far (not long to go).
I am speaking from not much experience (and probably shouldn't even be giving advice) but... I think your worries about your exam performance is admirable and it shows that you care about succeeding and achieving your goals. You just need to direct that anxiety and stress as motivation for bettering your future performances and life. As my coach likes to say after a particularly bad performance: "I will give you your 24 hours to be mad and angry about your run, but as soon as that is over you must come back to the track and use that anger to train" and I suppose that little sentiment is applicable in most parts of life (There's probably a much more inspirational piece of poetry or quote which encapsulates the same idea, but I am uncultured and nothing comes to mind). You just need not let your anxieties stand over you and prevent you from moving onwards.
I honestly think it would be more worrying if you didn't care at all about how you went.
Quote
I’m broken, but no matter how hard I think, I’ll never be able to fix me.
Dammit.
Now, I don't think you are broken, but in case you are I do know some people handy with tools ;)
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on November 06, 2018, 03:25:02 pm
Back to my safe place. Ramble-time.
Hey, Safe Place Inhabitants. How’re all y’all going?

I’m still not too good.
Still can’t think straight, still not hungry. I forgot to take my meds this morning and I have a huge headache. Had a really bad night last night and I slipped momentarily back into some habits I’m not happy with. Still in the slip, to be honest. Down, down, down. The darkness is bad. Clouding my vision and making me wish I wasn’t here, right now, trying to study things I probably won’t ever understand anyway. Occasionally I find myself spitting vitriol, not even conscious of the fact that I’m snarling at myself outside of my head until I see my reflection whispering hate in the mirror. It’s kind of shocking – like the animal inside of me is coming out and taking over, and I don’t even realise it until my view moves from the inside to the outside. I’m just trying my best to keep going. My eyelids feel heavy and I’m stuck in my own head all the time, even in my sleep. Nightmare after nightmare after nightmare. And then I wake up, and realise I’m kind of living the nightmare.

Anyway, I finished maths. That’s… 1.. 2…3… uhh… oh yeah I forgot about bio haha 4 down, 2 to go. So I’m trying to study for PE on the 9th right now, and Legal is the 14th. I’ve done a multiple choice and I ended up drawing a hippo between questions 13 and 14 because long words like proprioception reminded me of hippopotamuses. Or maybe I’ve just had hippos on the brain for some weird reason... Nevertheless, I have this panic that feels like it’s pressing against my collarbones, and a deep self-hatred pressing against the top of my skull and the bottom of my stomach at the same time. It’s not an animal I can train, at least not after 3 and a half years of trying, but I’ll do my best to cage it again. The lack of sleep is taxing, and the shame in feeling this way is too, but I’m gonna keep trying my best and maybe I’ll get there and be able to banish the negativity and exhaustion.

Look after yourselves, everyone. And congratulations to so many who are done with exams forever already!
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Bri MT on November 06, 2018, 10:15:09 pm
Back to my safe place. Ramble-time.
Hey, Safe Place Inhabitants. How’re all y’all going?
<3 Very glad you're comfortable here



I hope that sometimes you can look at the negative thoughts that spring up and tell them that your ridiculous post to respect ratio is quantitative proof that *that* perception is not shared by us. You have quantitative proof that we're not ashamed of you, we're proud. We respect you so so much.

There are so many other ways that the perspective of that voice is flawed, a diverse range of things that we appreciate about you, and ways that you're clawing your way up, but having numbers to look at is nice (or maybe that's just the stem fan in me :P )


...I’m gonna keep trying my best and maybe I’ll get there and be able to banish the negativity and exhaustion.

Look after yourselves, everyone.
we're trying, and we're glad that you're trying too
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on November 08, 2018, 11:32:01 am
Hey, guys?

I love you. So, so much.
I love you, irrespective of who you are.
I love you because you're here, and open.
I love you for your heart as it is now.
I love you, for all those times you might not feel loved.
I love you because you're another precious life. Someone unique, someone beautiful, and someone deserving of love.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

Please remember that.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: technodisney on November 08, 2018, 11:40:55 am
Hey, guys?

I love you. So, so much.
I love you, irrespective of who you are.
I love you because you're here, and open.
I love you for your heart as it is now.
I love you, for all those times you might not feel loved.
I love you because you're another precious life. Someone unique, someone beautiful, and someone deserving of love.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

Please remember that.

Hey, Nina?
I think I am speaking on behalf of everyone on AN.
Even though you may not believe it

We love you. So, so much.
We love you, irrespective of who you are.
We love you because you're here, and open.
We love you for your heart as it is now.
We love you, for all those times you might not feel loved.
We love you because you're another precious life. Someone unique, someone beautiful, and someone deserving of love.

We love you, We love you, We love you.

Please remember that.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on November 11, 2018, 11:48:38 am
(I swear in this one so this is rated M okay)

I had a summer breakfast this morning. Orange, banana (for once; sometimes I like it and sometimes I really don’t) and my first mango of the season. I chopped them all up, mixed them together and placed them in a bowl. I sprinkled desiccated coconut on the top, sat down in the sun, and looked at the world around me. There was a particular quiet, something rare in a house of seven. An absence of life. I sat, the birds pecking greedily at their seed, my sweet little feline companion sprawled in a large patch of warmth, catatonic.
And I just breathed.
I looked up to the clouds, and the cobalt blue of the Australian sky, and did what all of us do to survive. We take in oxygen, feel it enter our lungs and spread, the mechanical pump of our hearts beating rhythmically. We breathe out, exhaling the unused and the waste. Expelling. Then inhaling, and doing it again. And I wondered how a living creature could hold a soul, and a conscience. We feel it in our chests, but it couldn’t be there, because we’d breathe it out and lose it. Our bodies are machines, but also houses. Where does consciousness come from? Why does it leave? A miracle of muscle and blood, of cones and rods, of songs and silence, of weakness and strength. Mostly blood. Mostly cones. Mostly silence.
Mostly weakness.

So I looked at the sky, and the trees, and the grass, and reached out a hand to touch the clouds above me. Of course, I failed to touch the clouds. They, like dreams, fly far above and out of reach. They run from me in a never-ending wind, carrying with them shade and rain. Respite from the heat of summer. So instead, I sit with a bowl of the dying and dead, wishing I could follow the clouds. Wishing I could know how to reach my consciousness and push it away for a little longer, just to leave me to sleep. Just keep me away from reality a little longer.

I didn’t finish the PE exam. I panicked and messed up the one thing I could have done well on. And that voice, that consciousness living in me for a while, pushes me to the brink. Yells at me again, and again. I messed up. I am a mess-up. I can try all I like, but I’ll never live up to the person I wish I could be. I don’t want to wake up to hear it again. But I do. Every. Single. Fucking. Day.

One left. One left, then find another goal. One left, and you can decide whether you really want to go to uni. Whether you want to set yourself up for failure again. Try, and try, and try. Wake up and fight.
Three more days.

I wish I could open up my head and let the sunshine warm my mind, not just my skin.

Love you all.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Bri MT on November 11, 2018, 12:35:30 pm
You had a shot at something that you've placed a lot of pressure on yourself for, after combating prolonged high stress and struggling with exhaustion.  That's not shameful;  it's empowering.

We see the clouds in the sky and celebrate the dense collections of water vapour without stopping to acknowledge that we release water vapour in each breath.  Whether we wade through clouds as fog,  see them below us from the heights of mountains,  or look up at them, we are just as interconnected in the cycling of water - that amazing substance which we carry with us wherever we go.  No matter how far they may seem,  you're linked to your dreams - and they are linked to you.


I'm glad you got outside and had brekky <3
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: turinturambar on November 11, 2018, 01:51:05 pm
Once again, your words are beautifully poetic (you don't keep that secret well :) ), though the reality you present is difficult.  Hang in there!
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on November 13, 2018, 12:54:19 pm
Save me from curious Conscience, that still lords
Its strength for darkness, burrowing like a mole;
Turn the key deftly in the oiled wards,
And seal the hushed Casket of my Soul.

- “To Sleep”, John Keats, 1816.

Unlike Keats, I can’t escape sadness in sleep. But tomorrow I will be free to pursue both sleep and the happiness I lack.
I’m meeting with my psychiatrist next week, so I’ll be in hospital again as they assess me. Hopefully I won’t be kept in, but if I do badly on Legal I’m not sure if I’ll be in a frame of mind where I can be alone for too long. It can be kind of bewildering as to why I hate myself like I do. It’s bewildering to me, not just others. And frustrating. Apparently, it’s messed up brain signals. It doesn’t feel like that to me, but I trust the science that can help me.

You know, Keats died young. Very young, of tuberculosis. He was gone before his time. And yet, his art is remembered as some of the greatest in history. His words influence our lives 200 years from when they were written. Imagine if he lived a normal life – how much more would he have achieved? Is it foolish, for me to look up to him? To wish I could influence the world as he did? I don’t know. I guess I want to be a positive influence on the world around me; but how am I meant to do that when I myself am a negative? That’s a stupid thing to think, but I guess I’m tired of trying to take baby steps. I just keep slipping. But I’m at a loss as to taking bigger steps.

Anyway. The fires in the US right now are burning down our friend’s homes. Refugees are running with no hope of respite. The rainforests die at a rate of 9 hectares a minute. My kitty and my mother and my dearest friends are going to die one day and there’s nothing I can do about it. Terrorist attacks, stabbings, and murders continue. Domestic abuse is prolific. Another Ebola outbreak. Suicide is the leading cause of death for Australians between 15 and 34 years old. Depression affects one in four at some point in life. International government tension ignores the common people’s needs. Cancer and divorce rates rise, along with the seas. It just… hurts. Watching the world fall to pieces faster than ever. And still, we manage to dream. Laugh. Love. Bring children into a world we’re leaving in ruins. Pretend everything is okay, and ignore the wounds if they don’t affect us personally, even if those hurting have no-one to help stop the bleeding.

I want my steps to mean something now. I want to be able to take the hurt, and hold people close in their suffering. I want to give others something to live for, because I personally can’t see it. I hope that’s not selfish.

So now I'm sitting here with a cup of wine and a certain weakness in my soul. tbh cheap pinot grigio tastes like piss but if it's enough to get me to stop thinking I'll use it. Bad habit. I shouldn't do that.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Bri MT on November 13, 2018, 01:39:02 pm



AN might not be the world but you're already being a positive presence here - not just in my life but in the lives of many others too

Stats are hard. To me, I look at the increasing divorce rate and go "maybe more people are feeling empowered to leave situations that were unhealthy for them". The reported rates of domestic violence increase after awareness campaigns as more people feel empowered to seek help and recognise that what they have been coping with isn't right  (I have read & heard this from reputable sources but I don't have links on hand rn). There are significant challenges out there in the world, and people who have been through so much more than they ever should have had to face - but there are also people banding together to push change for the better.

What I hear from you is altruism, not selfishness. And I'll remind you of that until you keep it in your view.


My friend, I hope that the end of exams beings you respite
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: S200 on November 13, 2018, 01:46:58 pm
So now I'm sitting here with a cup of wine and a certain weakness in my soul. tbh cheap pinot grigio tastes like piss but if it's enough to get me to stop thinking I'll use it. Bad habit. I shouldn't do that.
Miniturtle has nailed what she said, so I can't add to that...
But seriously, ya should try this over the Pinot...

Grab this with a pizza and everything is better... :D

*absolutely hurls love and support towards Poet*
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Erutepa on November 13, 2018, 01:49:58 pm
Maybe this may brighten your mood about the worlds issues:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVimVzgtD6w
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on November 15, 2018, 04:15:49 pm
So…
I made it. I guess.
Pretty cool, really. And all the sweeter because it was such a struggle.
I… still feel really numb. My family were celebrating last night and I just kind of sat there with a fake smile plastered onto my face. Then I went to my room and picked up my books, and almost started working again before I realized that it was over. I’d finally gotten over that high jump bar I hit again, and again, and again. Behind me now sit piles of trees, hundreds of thousands of words, all of it lost. I’m lighting them on fire and watching 13 years of my life burn. I wonder what comes next.

Cleaned my room today. Baked a little yesterday. Got a drawing tablet, too. Here’s my first trial with one. Like, ever, because although I’ve wanted one for ages I thought it’s be a bad idea to muck around in VCE haha. I don’t have PS or Sumo or other pro art programs yet, so I’ve been playing around with Microsoft Sketchbook. Just a quick trial; I did this goldfish in about 20 minutes. But oh man, this pro 2 Wacom pen and tablet are fantastic. Can’t wait to refine my style and see if I can get people to pay for my stuff haha
Spoiler
(https://i.imgur.com/BQnuFcK.png)

Anyway, my VCE journey is over, I guess. But this isn’t a VCE journey journal, it’s a life journal. So I’ll be writing in this thread until the new year. As of now, I wish you all the best, whether you finished HSC a while ago or you’re still reeling from VCE, if you’re a uni student or a free soul. You guys helped me get here.
I made it, but only with your help.

I love you all. Lots.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: K888 on November 15, 2018, 04:19:42 pm
Congrats on finishing your exams, poet! Use this time now to recharge your batteries - be gentle to yourself :)
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: appleandbee on November 15, 2018, 04:21:18 pm
Huge congrats :D
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: kauac on November 15, 2018, 04:24:41 pm
What better way to relax and recuperate than releasing some of those creative juices.  ;D Big congratulations, what an awesome milestone to reach, Poet! P.S I love the goldfish, it's adorable.  :)
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Calebark on November 15, 2018, 04:36:05 pm
Enjoy your bludge time -- it must feel great! Holy shit tho, I can't even draw something like that on paper, that's superb. Keen to see more of your tablet work
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: sweetiepi on November 15, 2018, 04:53:10 pm
Massive congrats Poet, have your much needed relax time! :))

That goldfish is pretty cute too btw! ^-^
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Alaska_Young14 on November 15, 2018, 08:02:15 pm
So…
I made it. I guess.


But this isn’t a VCE journey journal, it’s a life journal.

As I am reading this all I can hear in my head is... “THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE.” (ok we’ll technically the books are but, I fail to care!)

To poet  from all of us. Don’t stop your journal... please. 🙏🏻 This is you. And we all love you to bits poet.

Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on November 26, 2018, 12:50:48 pm
Thanks for your well-wishes everyone! :)

------

Holy heck why is Markiplier suddenly making me teary
AnD bY tHe WaY tHe WaTsOn-ScOtT tEsT dOeSn’T sCaRe Me HaHa

Haaiiii everyone. Hope you’re all doing okay.
It’s been a little while. I took a bit of an accidental hiatus from writing these, probably because I didn’t feel I had much to write about.

Anyway, Scott Mclaughlin is about to win the 2018 Supercars championship and I’m so proud of him. My eight-year-old brother is conveniently stuck behind the newly-erected fake Christmas tree. My twelve-year-old sister is conveniently standing in front of that tree, preventing any escape. Pretty sure my mom’s baking cookies. My sister is playing Witcher III, I’m binging on Youtube videos and my other brother has too many Rubix cubes it’s actually unhealthy. My dad is sitting on the couch looking at God knows what on the ceiling even though the TV is blaring and I think I’m actually going crazy. Cabin fever? Is it cabin fever? I like can’t breathe haha

-----

And hello again, there was a break so now I’m back the day after to a blissfully empty house. I’ve been crying non-stop today. Woke up – cried. Tried to put on mascara – cried it off. Tried to eat breakfast – cried. You’d think it’d stop there, but no. Catching the public bus up to the shops? Still crying. Trying to arrange a transactions account and debit card at the bank? Stilllll crying. I had the lady at the post office, a worker in Target and someone in JB Hi-Fi all ask me if I was alright. God, I must look like a mess. Haven’t checked in a mirror yet because I honestly don’t want to know. :/
Anyway, it’s been a little while. I have a lot planned. Apparently I’m going to start work at Monash testing programs for Epworth hospital soon, but after I got the offer I haven’t heard anything soooo that’s funny. (And I know it’s legit because my dad knows the CIO um I got no idea what’s happening). It’s taken me like two hours to write this. And I’m still kinda teary. It’s not allergies, I don’t know what it is, but I’m just not feeling well and I’ve been really flat the past few days. I feel like school was kind of my staple and while I’m glad I don’t have to deal with it anymore, real life is hitting me, and that’s scary.

So I’m just going to go back to cross-stitching (which is actually so hard with teary eyes) and try and make a baby kookaburra. I’m working for the first time in two months on Saturday night and then getting up before dawn and driving ten hours on Sunday before heading to the meetup Monday, so hopefully finding something to busy myself with will stop this black hole growing even wider. Thanks for being there, AN. It’s funny I’ve been nominated for the most supportive/motivational member this year, when all you guys are my support.

Love you all. I can never say that enough nor express how much you mean to me.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Bri MT on November 26, 2018, 01:44:52 pm


 It’s funny I’ve been nominated for the most supportive/motivational member this year, when all you guys are my support.

Love you all. I can never say that enough nor express how much you mean to me.

Your emotive dialouge motivates our empathy, and in doing so, both supports us and encourages us to support you. Kind of like this journal being a mirror where we throw back the reflections of what you tell us.

The thing I love about the AN awards is that it's a collective gratitude sharing exercise. So many people are grateful for the supportive environment of AN which you've had a major part in. You, and your roles here, mean a lot - and it's fantastic that people that people are recognising that.

The scariness of "real life"? Having no where to go but feeling constricted at home? Yeah, the great unknown of no more school can terrify. The good news? You've got lots of practice confronting unknowns and handling anxieties. I promise "real life" gets easier with practice.

You're here for us; we're here for you.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on December 14, 2018, 04:01:58 pm
"Please realise that this is something personal and I am straining to be completely and utterly honest about my feelings and thoughts."
- secretly_a_poet  10th July  2018

To set the scene: Well, here we are. Today’s weather is perfect for ATAR release, in my mind anyway. The rain is kind of calming. But also depressing because hey, VCAA seems really fond of scaling down all of my subjects. Save for Bio. In which I got a 30. And that was the only one of my predicted scores I got correct. The others? Well… let’s just say they’re not doing too well.

I aim to be someone who can be vulnerable and strong, someone who can give people a grip on their own emotions and understand what’s going through a person’s mind. Anyone’s mind. Show them that, on the other side, there’s another soul who can suffer through the actions of others. Or find hope. To give them strength and confidence in themselves to speak out. Either way, I’m embarrassed about my scores and angry that I couldn’t have done a lot better, but I’m sitting here, as a moderator for ATAR Notes, to tell those of you who are hurting today that I understand. And no matter what an insignificant score tells you, you are enough.

My aim this year was to get through school, work on my health and find a way to give myself the support I needed for severe depression and anxiety. I spent my time pushing myself to be the best I could be, dividing myself between family, school, work and psychologist visits. A lot of you have probably read through my journal and noticed the severe downs I go through sometimes, where I retreat inside myself and the work piles up and the stress seems to crush me. I’m sure some of you know what that feels like, too.

So I opened my email this morning and saw, to my horror, an overall ATAR score of 64.45. For all the work, all the tears, all the papercuts and late nights and hand cramps and early starts and lectures, this was it? All the summaries, all the lists? The hundreds of hours of preparation and practice exams? Memorising some of the textbooks practically back-to-front, and this was my reward?
Well, yeah. It is. Just because I suck at testing doesn’t mean I haven’t learned things along the way. Just because I fell down at the last hurdle doesn’t mean I can’t get up and jump it anyway, even if that means being one of the last to the finish line. And just because I feel beaten down from 13 years of schooling doesn’t mean I didn’t get through it. Not unscathed, surely – the school system is harsh as fuck. No-one’s coming out without at least a few bruises. But the important thing is that we didn’t walk away.

I’ve been struggling to reconcile my position as moderator with my score. I feel like I’m below the rest of you. Invalidated. A disappointment. Somehow. I don’t know. Maybe it’s because this website is called “ATAR Notes”, but a large part of me keeps screaming that I don’t deserve my position, even though there’s a reason I have it. But the more I think about it, I begin to wonder if my reasons were truly realistic.
The other voice inside my head has started up again. But it’s really difficult to tell that and rational thinking apart. So, I’ll argue this.
I’m a mod here because I care. I’m here because I love this community and want to see it thrive. I want to give others a chance to pull themselves up, let them be who they want to be and see that we are with them all the way. I want them to see that scores may indicate academic success, but the most important thing is for them to know that they are enough.
You are enough.
We all are.

And that’s it.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Bri MT on December 14, 2018, 05:20:36 pm
The site's called ATAR notes & you got an ATAR - no contradiction there. You might say "but it's not a good ATAR" to which I say "what is a good ATAR? It's better than what most people in the state will get - if we're saying that 'good' is 'above average'." But I don't think that good is above average either. It certainly seems not to feel good, right now.

I'm not going to go down the path of raging and screaming against a system where "better than average" feels less than average, and students are pitted against eachother - because this is your journal, so it should be about your path.

Instead, I will say this: we all define "good ATARs" for ourselves - helped along by scare campaigns designed to incentivise us to try harder or pay hundreds - so I can't tell you that your ATAR is good, only you can do that. And right now, that seems like it would be pretty difficult. But there is something I can tell you about your ATAR: it is. You got it; you earned your VCE certificate and completed the journey. You have been hiking along for months, scaling cliffs, falling down steep slopes, getting back up and searching for the next handhold, putting one foot in front of the other - again and again and again. You may not have ended up at the destination you wanted - but that does not invalid whatsoever the effort you have put in.

Our job as moderators is not to reach the grandest destinations, but to provide support during the journey. We've all got our different approaches: some say "here's how you read the map, this is where you're at" (technical score discussion), same say "this is where you could aim for" (uni and admissions advice) , some say "for this section, you might want to take this path, pack your bag this way" (subject and studying advice), some say "I'll bring you some distraction and levity" (games and casual chat), and many more. We take on a combination of different roles, but my impression from you so far has been "I understand how difficult this is; I will share the journey with you and walk together. I will help you find the strength to take the next step."  This is not in any way a less valid way of providing support. You are not a less valid moderator; and if you look at the earlier descriptions you match some of them too.

You might say "but I also provide subject advice, how can I validly tell them which path to take when I didn't end up where I wanted?" and to that, I would say "you can pick the right path but have horrible weather that hinders you through no fault of our own, and freak landlides that take the ground from your feet without your control. That doesn't mean that that path wasn't the right decision." I don't display my scores anymore, but the psych subforum hasn't deserted me; your community won't desert you. As long as you exercise your courage and keep being willing to provide guidance, they'll be there, ready to listen.


The different, incredibly challegning, journey you have gone through gives strength to your role as a moderator. How can we reach students effectively if we pretend that only people scoring x+ ATARs belong here? As much as this hurts, you can use your experiences to provide another perspective to the community. And who knows? maybe more people will connect with that one. It's painful, & I wish you didn't have to go through this, but you have shown an incredible ability to persevere through adversity and this is yet another page.

I know you can do this, continue to support and inspire the community, and map out your next destination.
You've proven it.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on January 04, 2019, 08:19:04 pm
Hello, friends!

The new year is upon us, and once again, we stand amazed at the fact that we’ve managed to survive another 365 days. Of course, it’s been four days since New Years Day, but that’s not gonna stop me from celebrating what 2019 means for us all.

I’ve composed a letter addressed to you all. Here goes.

To the people of ATAR Notes. Friends, confidantes, family.
First thing’s first, I want to thank you. For being there for me, every hour of every day (and night… and early morning). For lending me your hand. For pulling me up time and time again. For opening your hearts and sharing your stories. For loving a stranger.
And for showing us all that we are not alone.

The last few years had left me pretty broken. I’d experienced things I’d never imagined, both good and bad – I’d gone literally insane, gotten help, stitched up the scars, and kept walking. I’d seen the sun both rise and set almost 150 days last year; the only predictability in my life. I’ve seen everything else fall apart, every other day. But AN has always been here.

They say time is a friend when it comes to wounds. Time allows wounds to stop bleeding, to scab. But the scars are still visible, stark white and outstanding. And they still hurt when the weather gets cold.
What heals is friendship and the slow development of a relationship in which a person can trust again. Coming onto AN, I trusted no-one, including myself. I was stuck in a cycle of guilt and self-deprecation, and I sometimes felt like I’d never make it out. Actually, a lot of the time. I hated life, and year 12 only served to make it worse.
But through it all, you were here. Through it all, I could come to my safe place. And through it all, I learned that not everyone with the same name as the people who hurt me were bad. (Yes, Nick, I’m looking at you. Surprise, I was scared of you when I realized your name wasn’t actually *spoiler alert* Joseph). I learned that there was honor in some; a sincere light. Something I couldn’t question. And something that’s made me feel safe here. All I felt for so long was distrust and fear. Self-hate, timidity. But a simple, tight-knit community helped those scars fade. Still helps.

So, with the new year and all, I wanted to say thank you. You gave me hope. You gave me purpose. And most of all, you gave me your friendship.

To Joseph41, Calebark, insanipi, miniturtle, MissSmiley, beatroot, Lsjnzy13, PhoenixxFire, Vaike, turinturambar, Lear, RuiAce,  technodisney, Alaska_Young14, Angelwings, dantraicos, Erutepa, Maya24, jazcstuart, fun_jirachi, Im21074, Sine, katie,rinos, Owlbird83, the untold encouragers and friends to come, thank you for the journey we’ve walked together so far.

I love you, and I’ll see you soon.

After all, we have a whole ‘nother year to get through. 😊

~ Nina xoxo
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Jimmmy on January 04, 2019, 09:38:25 pm
Hello, friends!

The new year is upon us, and once again, we stand amazed at the fact that we’ve managed to survive another 365 days. Of course, it’s been four days since New Years Day, but that’s not gonna stop me from celebrating what 2019 means for us all.

I’ve composed a letter addressed to you all. Here goes.

To the people of ATAR Notes. Friends, confidantes, family.
First thing’s first, I want to thank you. For being there for me, every hour of every day (and night… and early morning). For lending me your hand. For pulling me up time and time again. For opening your hearts and sharing your stories. For loving a stranger.
And for showing us all that we are not alone.

The last few years had left me pretty broken. I’d experienced things I’d never imagined, both good and bad – I’d gone literally insane, gotten help, stitched up the scars, and kept walking. I’d seen the sun both rise and set almost 150 days last year; the only predictability in my life. I’ve seen everything else fall apart, every other day. But AN has always been here.

They say time is a friend when it comes to wounds. Time allows wounds to stop bleeding, to scab. But the scars are still visible, stark white and outstanding. And they still hurt when the weather gets cold.
What heals is friendship and the slow development of a relationship in which a person can trust again. Coming onto AN, I trusted no-one, including myself. I was stuck in a cycle of guilt and self-deprecation, and I sometimes felt like I’d never make it out. Actually, a lot of the time. I hated life, and year 12 only served to make it worse.
But through it all, you were here. Through it all, I could come to my safe place. And through it all, I learned that not everyone with the same name as the people who hurt me were bad. (Yes, Nick, I’m looking at you. Surprise, I was scared of you when I realized your name wasn’t actually *spoiler alert* Joseph). I learned that there was honor in some; a sincere light. Something I couldn’t question. And something that’s made me feel safe here. All I felt for so long was distrust and fear. Self-hate, timidity. But a simple, tight-knit community helped those scars fade. Still helps.

So, with the new year and all, I wanted to say thank you. You gave me hope. You gave me purpose. And most of all, you gave me your friendship.

To Joseph41, Calebark, insanipi, miniturtle, MissSmiley, beatroot, Lsjnzy13, PhoenixxFire, Vaike, turinturambar, Lear, RuiAce,  technodisney, Alaska_Young14, Angelwings, dantraicos, Erutepa, Maya24, jazcstuart, fun_jirachi, Im21074, Sine, katie,rinos, Owlbird83, the untold encouragers and friends to come, thank you for the journey we’ve walked together so far.

I love you, and I’ll see you soon.

After all, we have a whole ‘nother year to get through. 😊

~ Nina xoxo

Hi Nina,

I'm only new here, but your post really shows that you've done so well to come out of a difficult situation and come out on top. We're all proud of you, but most importantly you should be so proud of yourself.

Keep up the positivity, and I look forward to seeing you around here!  :)
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on January 04, 2019, 09:43:03 pm
Hi Nina,

I'm only new here, but your post really shows that you've done so well to come out of a difficult situation and come out on top. We're all proud of you, but most importantly you should be so proud of yourself.

Keep up the positivity, and I look forward to seeing you around here!  :)
Thank you, Jimmmy! I look forward to getting to know you. :))
(And all you lurkers - yes, I can see you! Welcome to AN!)
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Alaska_Young14 on January 05, 2019, 09:30:52 am
Hello, friends!

The new year is upon us, and once again, we stand amazed at the fact that we’ve managed to survive another 365 days. Of course, it’s been four days since New Years Day, but that’s not gonna stop me from celebrating what 2019 means for us all.

I’ve composed a letter addressed to you all. Here goes.

To the people of ATAR Notes. Friends, confidantes, family.
First thing’s first, I want to thank you. For being there for me, every hour of every day (and night… and early morning). For lending me your hand. For pulling me up time and time again. For opening your hearts and sharing your stories. For loving a stranger.
And for showing us all that we are not alone.

The last few years had left me pretty broken. I’d experienced things I’d never imagined, both good and bad – I’d gone literally insane, gotten help, stitched up the scars, and kept walking. I’d seen the sun both rise and set almost 150 days last year; the only predictability in my life. I’ve seen everything else fall apart, every other day. But AN has always been here.

They say time is a friend when it comes to wounds. Time allows wounds to stop bleeding, to scab. But the scars are still visible, stark white and outstanding. And they still hurt when the weather gets cold.
What heals is friendship and the slow development of a relationship in which a person can trust again. Coming onto AN, I trusted no-one, including myself. I was stuck in a cycle of guilt and self-deprecation, and I sometimes felt like I’d never make it out. Actually, a lot of the time. I hated life, and year 12 only served to make it worse.
But through it all, you were here. Through it all, I could come to my safe place. And through it all, I learned that not everyone with the same name as the people who hurt me were bad. (Yes, Nick, I’m looking at you. Surprise, I was scared of you when I realized your name wasn’t actually *spoiler alert* Joseph). I learned that there was honor in some; a sincere light. Something I couldn’t question. And something that’s made me feel safe here. All I felt for so long was distrust and fear. Self-hate, timidity. But a simple, tight-knit community helped those scars fade. Still helps.

So, with the new year and all, I wanted to say thank you. You gave me hope. You gave me purpose. And most of all, you gave me your friendship.

To Joseph41, Calebark, insanipi, miniturtle, MissSmiley, beatroot, Lsjnzy13, PhoenixxFire, Vaike, turinturambar, Lear, RuiAce,  technodisney, Alaska_Young14, Angelwings, dantraicos, Erutepa, Maya24, jazcstuart, fun_jirachi, Im21074, Sine, katie,rinos, Owlbird83, the untold encouragers and friends to come, thank you for the journey we’ve walked together so far.

I love you, and I’ll see you soon.

After all, we have a whole ‘nother year to get through. 😊

~ Nina xoxo


Happy New Year Nina. We are all so proud of you and are happy to be apart of your journey. It may be another year but we ain’t going anywhere, we are always here xx
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on February 09, 2019, 01:01:13 am
I haven't written one of these in a long while; purely because I was busy first, then procrastinating, and then I would put finger to keyboard and bang, my head would empty like someone opened it up from the back. It's an issue, but I'll get to that later.


So, hello family. First thing's first, I love you guys. A. Lot. Its been more than a month since I last said that but it's still relevant. I hope those of you who might be struggling at the moment know that you are appreciated and loved and cared for.

I've been feeling pretty down lately. Worthless and useless and just plain tired of the world. I'm pretty sure the reason is clear - I've been sick for more than a month and I find it exhausting - but it's still shameful and I should learn to keep myself accountable more. And thus, I'm back here, rewriting this entry for what seems like the billionth time. My phone's notes page is filled with unfinished entries. It's awful. (oh yeah, I got a phone; my first ever. ^-^) I've had to temporarily quit work after blacking out in the middle of my shift, which means no money. I've had 7 blood tests and counting, and I'm on medication for thyroid issues. Hospital was meant to call as of a couple days ago so I can go in for tests but it hasn't happened and I've spent almost every day in bed. I've lost 9 kilos in the last month (which is bad, I was already just slightly underweight for my height and body type) and I've been getting dizzy and just plain exhausted a lot. It's stressful and tiring and I don't have the emotional fortitude to deal with it all. And lo and behold, my old friend Depression has slunk in. He's not welcome but he likes to sleep on my chest at night and I can't seem to get him off.

But let's stop complaining. Here's the deal. My world currently consists of sleep, stress, sleep, sleep, make an attempt at eating, stress, stress, stress, sleep. But a ray of light shines through it all, and it's name is Art. Art is currently my life and my for the first time ever I feel free with it. This is especially exciting as I am currently in an internship for illustration and animation, and might even end up with a job out of it if I manage to learn the ropes just right. This means studying and practicing every day, drawing the same stuff over and over, poring over Anatomy, reading up on famous artists and their techniques. It'll be difficult but not taxing. Art is where I find joy. So I will have to be kept accountable and draw, and draw, and draw. Coming out of school I could never see my future clearly, but now I have found something amazing and I can't wait to pick it up and have a go. At least for one year. This year, I won't be going to university. I'll be giving myself time to heal and time to find what I really want. And I am excited, despite, and in spite of, the whispers of doubt and the feeling of sinking I keep getting in the middle of the night. Like now.

Sometimes I feel somehow inferior for making the decision to not study and instead just focus on my wellbeing and assets, but that's not right. If you're considering a gap year and find that year 12 takes a toll on you, university is not your only option. And this year I'll be taking you, my dear reader, through the ups and downs of my decision.

I honestly don't know what else to say except for this. So much has happened, but so little too. I hope to have more to talk about soon. Maybe when I get better. For now, I wish you all well. And love you so much. ❤️❤️❤️
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Alaska_Young14 on February 09, 2019, 12:26:57 pm
I've had to temporarily quit work after blacking out in the middle of my shift, which means no money. I've had 7 blood tests and counting, and I'm on medication for thyroid issues. Hospital was meant to call as of a couple days ago so I can go in for tests but it hasn't happened and I've spent almost every day in bed. I've lost 9 kilos in the last month (which is bad, I was already just slightly underweight for my height and body type) and I've been getting dizzy and just plain exhausted a lot. It's stressful and tiring and I don't have the emotional fortitude to deal with it all. And lo and behold, my old friend Depression has slunk in. He's not welcome but he likes to sleep on my chest at night and I can't seem to get him off.

But let's stop complaining. Here's the deal. My world currently consists of sleep, stress, sleep, sleep, make an attempt at eating, stress, stress, stress, sleep. But a ray of light shines through it all, and it's name is Art. Art is currently my life and my for the first time ever I feel free with it. This is especially exciting as I am currently in an internship for illustration and animation, and might even end up with a job out of it if I manage to learn the ropes just right. This means studying and practicing every day, drawing the same stuff over and over, poring over Anatomy, reading up on famous artists and their techniques. It'll be difficult but not taxing. Art is where I find joy. So I will have to be kept accountable and draw, and draw, and draw. Coming out of school I could never see my future clearly, but now I have found something amazing and I can't wait to pick it up and have a go. At least for one year. This year, I won't be going to university. I'll be giving myself time to heal and time to find what I really want. And I am excited, despite, and in spite of, the whispers of doubt and the feeling of sinking I keep getting in the middle of the night. Like now.



Hey Poet! I see you have changed your name!

Reading this just wants to make me give you a massive hug, not only to tell you it’s ok but to say I am so so proud of you, and the journey you have come.

A suggestion for eating, (this has helped with me in the past) if you don’t like to physically eating or it makes you feel guilty and insecure that is completely fine, turn it to your advantage. Instead of it powering you, take control, punch it in the face. I make smoothies whenever I feel like not eating but knowing you should. Just grab something healthy and yummy, make your own little concoction, have fun with it. And even better! You can drink it, no eating involved but you are still getting all the nutrients you need!

As for that internship, I am so so so proud of you poet! You have come so far and I am glad you have turned your hobby into a passion. I can see how much art means to you and I am so happy you have found a place to do that! Good luck with the internship.

Again, I am so so so proud of you. Xx
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: strawberries on February 09, 2019, 01:29:09 pm
Hey poet,

Can I just say thank you so much for sharing this journal? Thank you for being open. Although I haven't been active on the forums I've loved reading this and following along.

Take care
Stay strong and big hugs <3 <3 <3

Spoiler
This year, I won't be going to university. I'll be giving myself time to heal and time to find what I really want. And I am excited, despite, and in spite of, the whispers of doubt and the feeling of sinking I keep getting in the middle of the night. Like now.

Sometimes I feel somehow inferior for making the decision to not study and instead just focus on my wellbeing and assets, but that's not right. If you're considering a gap year and find that year 12 takes a toll on you, university is not your only option. And this year I'll be taking you, my dear reader, through the ups and downs of my decision.
health is most important. i took a gap year after year 12 cos i wasn't mentally "ready". whilst i have realized most of my year 12 classmates have already graduated and are already working and earning salaries, i definitely do not regret it as i could focus on my health so i could go in to uni feeling 'better' and more prepared about this. consider this, you've probably been in school for ~13yrs so it's nice to take a break :P

please don't feel inferior. we all do things at our own pace and taking gap years is very common now :)
i hope everything goes well x
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: turinturambar on February 10, 2019, 09:26:10 pm
But let's stop complaining. Here's the deal. My world currently consists of sleep, stress, sleep, sleep, make an attempt at eating, stress, stress, stress, sleep. But a ray of light shines through it all, and it's name is Art. Art is currently my life and my for the first time ever I feel free with it. This is especially exciting as I am currently in an internship for illustration and animation, and might even end up with a job out of it if I manage to learn the ropes just right. This means studying and practicing every day, drawing the same stuff over and over, poring over Anatomy, reading up on famous artists and their techniques. It'll be difficult but not taxing. Art is where I find joy. So I will have to be kept accountable and draw, and draw, and draw. Coming out of school I could never see my future clearly, but now I have found something amazing and I can't wait to pick it up and have a go. At least for one year. This year, I won't be going to university. I'll be giving myself time to heal and time to find what I really want. And I am excited, despite, and in spite of, the whispers of doubt and the feeling of sinking I keep getting in the middle of the night. Like now.

Sometimes I feel somehow inferior for making the decision to not study and instead just focus on my wellbeing and assets, but that's not right. If you're considering a gap year and find that year 12 takes a toll on you, university is not your only option. And this year I'll be taking you, my dear reader, through the ups and downs of my decision.

When I started Uni I would have considered a gap year a waste of time - but that's because my life was following a script of family and societal expectations.  I don't like the way Uni feels like the "default option" after school (though it did suit me), or that you have to justify yourself for choosing a different path in life.  You're not inferior, and in an ideal world no-one would need to justify themselves for seeking happiness.  Basically, it's your life - it doesn't have to follow anyone else's script.  And it sounds like you've got a great opportunity with the internship :)

Sorry, but I'm going to pull in another quote from a different thread, because it feels relevant here:

Quote from: Poet
So, some crazy news - I am not going to university this year. Instead, I've decided to go with the things that make me happy and get me money and independence, including a real job (not just casual work at a fish and chip shop), plans to move out of home and an art internship.

What you describe is a major reason why many (including me) went to Uni - but Uni certainly doesn't guarantee it, and if you can find it better some other way, good for you.  Uni is just one path among many.  And you don't necessarily need to know the final destination to take steps towards it (which is fortunate, since the final destination can change a lot over the years anyway).

Best of luck with everything!

Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: smamsmo22 on February 10, 2019, 11:51:19 pm
Hey,
I really hope you're doing well and appreciate reading your honest updates (: I hope this year brings you health and happiness and I'm rooting for you!
I don't have much advice for your situation but I do know that there are plenty of years to come in your life that you can spend studying/ earning money/ stressing out/ staying busy; taking some time to focus on health and wellbeing is totally the best decision and you should never consider it a waste or as if you're missing out on something greater. I can assure you the satisfaction of mental and physical wellness will bring you more happiness than any course or job could :D
Best of luck in your endeavours, I can't wait to hear more and I know you can get through it.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on March 19, 2019, 09:20:44 pm
Thanks for your beautiful words, everyone. I really appreciate what you all have to say, even if I seem to have ignored you. I haven't. You're all beautiful and I love you.


The funny thing about time is that it's fluid, but also set. Time is such a substantial part of our lives, and yet it doesn't exist. Our very existences, and how we understand them, are based off of an illusory notion. Something we think we know, but we don't.

Time is a paradoxical concept, and one of those topics I find myself thinking in circles about a lot. Most of the time, that would be negative. But time has been a precious fallacy to me lately. And I'm happy.

In the past month since my last entry, a lot has happened. My health has gone up and down, mentally and physically, but overall should be on the rise. I found a second job as a waitress, stopped my medication, and have found a bond with the people of AN stronger than any I have ever had. As friends, teachers and even, dare I say it, lovers. Well, one lover. Time is precious in a way it has never been before. I don't feel lost anymore. In my art, my friends, and the people of this community, I've found purpose and a way to sleep with a smile instead of tears. To appreciate the sunshine, hold it close and let it warm my heart. To open myself and trust that I will be caught as soon as I trip, let alone before I fall. To know that the past can't hurt me any more then I let it. To know that somebody wants me for who I am, as I am, in their life. And that in my struggles, whether that be fighting with family, a pile of rejection letters in my inbox, the return of my mystery illness, or a depressive episode, the people I love will be there for me, without fail. This certainty is one I cannot remember feeling since I was a little girl, and it feels... Good. It's a confidence not only in others, but a confidence in myself. And for the first time, I am ready for what's to come. I am ready for the future, willing to learn from the past and really do treasure the present for what it is - a gift. And a beautiful one.

Time truly is a special thing. And I am honoured to share mine with you.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Owlbird83 on March 19, 2019, 09:26:30 pm
Thanks for your beautiful words, everyone. I really appreciate what you all have to say, even if I seem to have ignored you. I haven't. You're all beautiful and I love you.


The funny thing about time is that it's fluid, but also set. Time is such a substantial part of our lives, and yet it doesn't exist. Our very existences, and how we understand them, are based off of an illusory notion. Something we think we know, but we don't.

Time is a paradoxical concept, and one of those topics I find myself thinking in circles about a lot. Most of the time, that would be negative. But time has been a precious fallacy to me lately. And I'm happy.

In the past month since my last entry, a lot has happened. My health has gone up and down, mentally and physically, but overall should be on the rise. I found a second job as a waitress, stopped my medication, and have found a bond with the people of AN stronger than any I have ever had. As friends, teachers and even, dare I say it, lovers. Well, one lover. Time is precious in a way it has never been before. I don't feel lost anymore. In my art, my friends, and the people of this community, I've found purpose and a way to sleep with a smile instead of tears. To appreciate the sunshine, hold it close and let it warm my heart. To open myself and trust that I will be caught as soon as I trip, let alone before I fall. To know that the past can't hurt me any more then I let it. To know that somebody wants me for who I am, as I am, in their life. And that in my struggles, whether that be fighting with family, a pile of rejection letters in my inbox, the return of my mystery illness, or a depressive episode, the people I love will be there for me, without fail. This certainty is one I cannot remember feeling since I was a little girl, and it feels... Good. It's a confidence not only in others, but a confidence in myself. And for the first time, I am ready for what's to come. I am ready for the future, willing to learn from the past and really do treasure the present for what it is - a gift. And a beautiful one.

Time truly is a special thing. And I am honoured to share mine with you.

That is great to hear! :)
I absolutely love the way you write Poet!
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Ionic Doc on March 19, 2019, 09:37:44 pm
That is great to hear! :)
I absolutely love the way you write Poet!

same
 she expresses  herself  in words (especially poetry  :) )  better than anyone I've ever seen
how did you develop your perfect linguistic skills ???
lol  ;)
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on March 26, 2019, 03:45:28 pm
That is great to hear! :)
I absolutely love the way you write Poet!
Thanks, my friend! 💙 Hope everything is well for you too.

same
 she expresses  herself  in words (especially poetry  :) )  better than anyone I've ever seen
how did you develop your perfect linguistic skills ???
lol  ;)
You flatter me haha, but thank you. I've always been an extreme bookworm, so perhaps my linguistic skills have been refined naturally by reading 3 novels a week for about 4 years straight?



Time still flows. Joyfully, richly, warmly, even as the weather begins to chill. I can confidently say that I have never felt this happy before, or at least, as far back as I can remember. And the best thing is that this joy lasts not because my life is all well, but because I have found satisfaction in myself and a reason to smile through the bad times.

I think it’s about time for a general life update, however awfully mundane, because you crazy people seem to somehow enjoy reading this crap. I’m not judging, but you are insane.
So, here we go.

I’m currently having a Day of Responsibilities. These happen about once every three months, when I’m feeling somewhat motivated to deal with things I should have for a long time… then regret it later. Well, regret some of it. I organized my underwear drawer for the first time in literally three years the other night, cleaned my room and the bathroom, and got a haircut (in truth, many hairs were cut and some of them are now blue, but subtly). Tomorrow morning I’m doing an RSA course in the city. At 9AM. Finally. I’ve been putting this off for months, if only because registration for a USI wasn’t working the first couple times and I was discouraged. Hopefully with this certificate I’ll be able to sign up for more jobs with a higher chance of getting hired (spiff up the old CV, aye fellas). Spending money to make money feels uncomfortable, but the hope is that this pays off and I can find a place for day work, because the two casuals just aren’t cutting it.

My internship is going well. I’ve been going in a couple times a week and learning how to animate and just draw. I’m starting to get frustrated with my current tablet because it has no screen and so the refined lines I would draw on paper seem almost impossible when I’m drawing on a tablet but looking at a different screen. It’s complicated. (Not that I don’t love you, Intuos, but working on a screen bigger than my torso is harder than working on one the size of A4).
On a whole different note, my mentor wants to teach me the ropes when it comes to video editing and has offered to let me come along on a job if I’m ever interested. I think I might take up the offer. It’s much more likely that I end up with a job in video editing than illustration or animation, no matter how fun those are, so having the experience would be valuable. And besides, he’s a really fun guy to hang out with.

As for my emotional wellbeing, things are on the rise, as has been the case for a little while. To be perfectly, embarrassingly honest, being in love has changed a lot, not just in my life but for me as a person. Less and less I feel the need to hurt. Less and less do I feel not enough. My nightmares have been reduced from nightly to fortnightly, my self-confidence has sky-rocketed. My best friend tells me he’s never seen me smile more. I’m more motivated to look after myself, sleep well and consistently, eat and stay hydrated. The voices don’t come out as often. My nights aren’t filled with dread anymore. After a long period of struggle, I feel safe. Protected. Appreciated exactly for who I am, me and all my mistakes and messes. There will still be downs, but they will lessen. They’ve lessened already. I’m healing, and it makes me so happy I could cry. Have cried. But I cry a lot, so honestly, it’s not a big thing.
I fell in love with a person, but I’m also slowly falling in love with living again.

Thanks for staying with me when the cold tide rose. Thanks for holding my hand in the dark, through the receding waters, and into the morning light. I’m alive. And I’m glad for it.

That’s about it for now. If you read till the end you are properly off your metaphorical rockers.
See you at the meetup, AN family. Love you.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: katie,rinos on March 26, 2019, 09:46:48 pm
I'm so happy to hear you're going well/better!!  :D

I'm also doing my RSA course tomorrow (mines from 5-11pm!). Hope yours goes well and job hunting gets better! :)
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: turinturambar on March 26, 2019, 11:25:22 pm
I think it’s about time for a general life update, however awfully mundane, because you crazy people seem to somehow enjoy reading this crap. I’m not judging, but you are insane.
...
That’s about it for now. If you read till the end you are properly off your metaphorical rockers.

I've probably said it before, and others certainly have, but I read your writing because it's beautiful.
And I wish I had made time to read 3 novels a week :)

Enjoy the RSA course!
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on July 05, 2019, 07:47:27 pm
I've probably said it before, and others certainly have, but I read your writing because it's beautiful.
And I wish I had made time to read 3 novels a week :)

Enjoy the RSA course!

Thanks, Turin! I did enjoy it. Its good to know some of the random facts that managed to stick in my head from it! ^-^

Hi all. Life update time? Why not, huh. Well, I guess there's a lot of reasons why NOT, mainly because it actually takes effort to type this out,and I doubt people care too much. Except for the person who pressured me into this >:l But I'll look back on this myself and find it pretty cool, I think.
It used to be so easy, back when procrastination was a thing. Now that homework doesn't exist, it's a bit harder.

Anyway, hello. There's a lot to catch up on, life-wise. Been through a few ups and downs, I'm currently in between, so I guess reflecting on both sides is better from here.

First up is probably the biggest news (and the reason I've been so quiet the past couple of months); I got a job. A proper, legitimate job with good pay, good people and responsibilities of my own. My job is centered around looking after students labelled SBATs (student based apprenticeships and training) which is a kind of VCE/VCAL work placement linked to VET courses. After just recently graduating from school myself, I've found it much easier to relate to the students and I genuinely enjoy looking after them and making sure they do what they need to to pass their course. It's probably the best job I could have asked for, and I never imagined I would wind up in such a fantastic position so soon.

My savings are flying at the moment - I'm still living at home despite a strong want to leave, so I've implemented a 60:40 ratio rule. 60% of my earnings go to savings, whilst 40% goes to things like socialising, rent, phone payments and fun things like hoards of camembert cheese. When I hit 10,000 in savings (which is not far off at all) I'll begin actively looking for my own place/somewhere to share, as well as a car of my own. Because yes, news #2, I passed my driving test a while ago!

Kind of funny but after school ended I've done my best to avoid assessments and tests, because I am still so massively anxious about performance. I got up the courage to call an instructor, and he said that I'd be fine to do the test with basically one more lesson, so we booked it in then and there. I ended up crying the whole test, and panicked at the start because I forgot how to turn on the car (!?) but I still passed and it was unbelievably liberating to drive to the cross country track that afternoon to see Count Von Count, which was an interesting sight. So, yeah. That happened.

What else is there? Oh yeah, I got my braces off!! Oh man, feels so great to be out of them. It's amazing how flexible the body is when it comes to adjustments. My mouth looks completely normal after having 9 teeth removed two and a half years ago. In the scheme of things, that's not long at all. At first it was a little strange to see myself-- my teeth felt huge and smooth, almost slimey. But it's great. Maybe I'll do another art vlog and show them off :)

This week in itself has been pretty full. I've been going out every weekend and leaving Monday out of work for rest (because I have some health issues) before diving into work from Tuesday to Friday. On Saturday I went out with the Count. On Sunday I slept for ages. Then, on Monday, I crashed the chemistry lecture and definitely didn't come close to last in the Kahoot, because I know all about chemistry. Jack is the best lecturer and human being, hands down. #Jack4PM #Jack4WorldLeader #Jack4Life

Art-wise, I went to see the Terracotta Warriors NGV exhibition a couple weeks ago with Calebark, and that was heaps of fun. The history is staggering - to think that the immaculately designed figures before you are older than the New Testament is ridiculously mind-blowing. The world seems so small, and life seems so short, in those moments. On that note, I can't wait to go again this weekend! So if you're gonna be at the NGV midday this Sunday, hmu and I might come say hi!
Movies count as art too, and I would recommend MIB: International if you like Marvel movies. Seriously the best haha. Very keen to go see Spiderman: Far From Home, too!
As for my own works, well, I guess I've been neglecting art. I get home from work and just want to snuggle into bed, so taking the effort to get up and control my shaky hands is a little stressful. But it's still home to me.

Home, home. Its funny how a word can hold so much meaning, isn't it? Home is a physical place, but also an intangible thing. Home can be an object or an action you find yourself comfortable with. Home can be a person. For me, home is definitely the latter. But I'm hoping I can make my own soon, too.

Thanks for listening to my rambling, all. I'm sure there's more to say but I doubt many of you even read this, let alone the novella of my loud brain. Love ya.
Until next time. 💙💙💙

Love,
~Poet
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: PhoenixxFire on July 05, 2019, 09:04:44 pm
Thanks for listening to my rambling, all. I'm sure there's more to say but I doubt many of you even read this
I read every single word - as I always do when you post here. In fact, I might have even read some words twice. Regardless of whether you believe it, we care about you, and reading about how your life is going is something that humans do when they care about other humans <3

My savings are flying at the moment - I'm still living at home despite a strong want to leave, so I've implemented a 60:40 ratio rule. 60% of my earnings go to savings, whilst 40% goes to things like socialising, rent, phone payments and fun things like hoards of camembert cheese. When I hit 10,000 in savings (which is not far off at all) I'll begin actively looking for my own place/somewhere to share, as well as a car of my own. Because yes, news #2, I passed my driving test a while ago!
Camembert cheese tim tams?

Anywhere in particular you want to move to or is it too early to be thinking about that?

my teeth felt huge and smooth, almost slimey.
Oh yeah I remember this, definitely strange at first. You'll get used to it :p


Love you poet <3
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Bri MT on July 05, 2019, 10:34:33 pm
If you think no one reads your journal or cares you're either not paying attention or have forgotten. We're here for you, and that hasn't changed.

In GC we did an activity where we narrowed down what the main thing we wanted to get out of the year was, and mine was "home" so I definitely get where you're coming from with it having a lot of meaning. It's great to see you finding yours :)

Anywhere in particular you want to move to or is it too early to be thinking about that?

If I get a vote I wouldn't mind having a Poet near me <3
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on July 06, 2019, 02:25:46 pm
I'm so happy to hear you're going well/better!!  :D

I'm also doing my RSA course tomorrow (mines from 5-11pm!). Hope yours goes well and job hunting gets better! :)
forgot to respond to this, sorry Katie!!
It did go well, and as you can probably guess the job hunt turned out brilliantly haha.
Kind of ironic that I don't even need the RSA for my job, and they're offering courses for a lot less money than I payed!! Haha.

I read every single word - as I always do when you post here. In fact, I might have even read some words twice. Regardless of whether you believe it, we care about you, and reading about how your life is going is something that humans do when they care about other humans <3
You touch my heart every time. I don't mean to leave you out at all - I just tend to forget that people care, because I don't really care too much about myself, so I tend to be surprised whenever love comes back around. Like now ❤️
Camembert cheese tim tams?
Oh god above YES
Anywhere in particular you want to move to or is it too early to be thinking about that?
Oh yeah I remember this, definitely strange at first. You'll get used to it :p

Love you poet <3
Yes, actually. Considering I've been dreaming of independence for a while, I'm looking around maybe the Heidelberg or Preston area if I don't get a car. If I DO get a car, somewhere like around Clayton or closer to the west side might be easier travel for work.

Love you too, Phoenixx 💙💙💙

If you think no one reads your journal or cares you're either not paying attention or have forgotten. We're here for you, and that hasn't changed.

In GC we did an activity where we narrowed down what the main thing we wanted to get out of the year was, and mine was "home" so I definitely get where you're coming from with it having a lot of meaning. It's great to see you finding yours :)

If I get a vote I wouldn't mind having a Poet near me <3
I'd forgotten, I guess. I still don't expect or feel like I deserve the flood of respect that comes my way whenever I post - it's a little crazy, but it does make me feel appreciated. Thank you for reminding me. 💙

You might just get a Poet near you ;)

ILY 💜💚
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on July 29, 2019, 08:32:17 pm
Sometimes...
I think of things outside the present.
Sometimes, I cringe at "uplifting" quotes and
Sunflower paintings and
Wellbeing tips set up by gurus who think they know what it feels like
To be completely engulfed
Swallowed, chewed apart and devoured
By the dark.

I've been told before
That my heart rate is
Irregular.
I'm healthy enough, sure
It just likes to move around a lot.
I think of it like a toddler jumping on a trampoline
Endless fun and giggles
But its bounces vary a lot.

I don't know if it used to be this way.
The first time I can recall
Tasting blood as I ran
Was about year 5.
It scared me
A lot.
But I've grown used to the feeling
Just as I've had to grow used to running
In a different way.

I like to forget about the world around me
I constantly crave an escape.
Sleep, is the best one
Even if it's elusive sometimes
And if I'm honest
Sleep is not always
The best of friends.

Rest can be sleep,
But sleep is not always restful.
Sleep can bring back the same hurt
Again, and again, and again.
My nightmares
Are always repetitive.
Like a stairway of cogs, churning endlessly downwards
The world seems to shrink and grow
In the fisheye lense
Of REM.
My escape
But also my damnation
To the world created by my own mind.

Sometimes...
I remember things from my past.
And, in the same breath,
I tell myself I imagined it.
I don't like to think, but I still do, of all the terrors I remember,
How much
Did I
Forget?
How much did I leave
As I grew to be who I am now
Behind me
In the seething pit
Of the past?

How much still lies
Hidden away
Under the film of black and white
Preventing me from finding
A happiness in the now
A now that I crave but also hate in the same breath
A now that I can't stand to be in so predictably
A now that I wish didn't exist because no matter the joy I feel in one moment, I always manage
To tear it away
In the next.

Please heart, stay still.
Little child, hold your balance.
And breathe.

...
Sometimes...

I think about

The future.

And I wonder

If I'll ever

Want to be in it.

I wonder if
I'll stay with
The boy I love now.
If he'll stay with me. Like he promised.
I wonder if
One day
I might stop tasting blood
As I run. And run, and run, and run.
I wonder if I'll have a son or daughter.
My own baby.
I wonder if I'll be able to protect her from the world, but also let her be vulnerable to it
I wonder if my boy will grow up to be as kind and respectful
As I hope his future father will be.
I wonder if I might find happiness
In them
Or morning coffee
The days spent hiking the mountains
Purely to clean up the trash others leave behind
I wonder if I might find happiness
In the love of a man or woman, to hold me when the toddler inside of me jumps too hard, like he's trying to snap the trampoline springs
Like he is now.
To kiss for hours
And fall asleep under the stars.
To realise in my heart, not just in my head,
That even when the clouds block your view
The sun
Is always shining.

I wonder
If the dark
Will ever leave me be.
I wonder
If living
Will ever fulfill my life.

Sometimes...
I think out loud
And let the world hear
The sound of blood spitting from my mouth.
Most of the time
I stay
In the quiet.

The quiet

And the dark.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: caffinatedloz on July 29, 2019, 08:38:39 pm
Absolutely breathtaking as always Poet!
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Bri MT on July 29, 2019, 08:57:23 pm
Happiness is not a permanent state, but you can - and I fully believe you will (even if you don't yet) - get to a point that is much better than this. The dark seems pervasive because it is the absence of the light which shows you how things truly are; just because you can't see reality doesn't mean you can't find it others ways, doesn't mean it's not there.

I have seen you find happiness in the setting sun, a slice of cake, a friendly face, an eloquent phrase. Happiness is within you, and as you become more familiar with having it flow to the surface you will wonder how it ever became shrouded.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us in such an expressive and articulate way, but mostly thank you for sharing them at all, friend.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on October 11, 2019, 10:09:58 pm
Oh cheeses I haven't posted since July? Hmm. OK lol

Whirlwind. Whipping ‘round. A blizzard in my mind as the world warms, and I stay cold in the wind and rain. The sun is hidden behind the clouds, but still a faint light glows, taunting. I know it’s there. I see glimpses of its gentle rays every now and again. Before it slips back to shadow, or the winds catch me o'er.

Life has been hard to live lately. I have bouts of hypersensitivity, where groups of people and meetings and my thoughts and family all become a giant, scribbled ball of things to avoid; things that hurt. Things to be feared, in a weird way. I have periods of numbness, where my body doesn’t wish to breathe. Where I’m stuck in a tunnel of static, ears crackling, the ringing echoes deafening me to logic, to hope. And I’ve just been constantly ill and nauseated, which doesn’t help anything be overly enjoyable.

The past few weeks have found me so stressed and sick and overwhelmed that I have fallen back into patterns of thought and action I’m not proud of. Work seems never-ending and soul-crushing despite the good found at the end of the day. I’m struggling to eat or smile and sit at my desk so overwhemed by the hundreds of tasks before me that I retreat into the little shell I’ve used so many times before. And that shell is a dangerous place to be, considering the fact that it’s inside the same mind that wants me dead.

I think my main trigger is expectations. As a bit of a perfectionist in many things (perhaps except for cleaning) I find it very difficult to reconcile other people’s opinions of me inside myself, particularly if they’re good. My work role has recently been changing again and next year I will be heading the Training Department’s marketing strategy. (Ngl their system needs an integrative CRM and an overall huge overhaul). I’ve also been doing plenty of ongoing graphic design work for our company and leaving a lot of my current role as administrative officer to slowly train up for whatever’s in store. I’ll still be 19 and running this. I guess there’s a lot of stress and the strong feeling of inadequacy. I have no relevant qualifications for a specialized role like this, and I feel like I should get an (mb)MBA(m) or something.

I’ve been struggling to find the mental energy to do much that I like, including drawing, which can be very frustrating because I KNOW it makes me feel good; I just can’t seem to make myself do it. I still try to set goals and work on them when I can; for example, this journal entry was a goal of mine. (So was cleaning the bathroom, and I did both tonight. One endorphin, please.) I also try to look forward to things.
Every weekend I go out with Erutepa and do something, so if the week at work is absolute death I’ll try and keep him in mind. We’ll see you at the Melbourne Marathon this Sunday! (I’m not running tho I’m way too sick for that lmao) and next Friday we’re going to his graduation, which I’m really excited for. After that, I’m looking forward to taking a holiday and doing the schoolies I never did – and then I’ll be moving out of home in January. So, little things and big things to try and look to. Counting down the days.

For now, I’m still stuck in the spiral. But I know I can get out; I’ve done it before. It may just take a long, long time. And hey, putting my thoughts on paper already helped me think a little more positively. So I guess we’ll see where the road leads. Hopefully away from the static in my brain.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on November 09, 2019, 08:23:51 pm
Apologies for any spelling mistakes or grammatical errors – it’s kinda hard to correct through tears lmaoooo

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

I’d be lying if I said anything but that I hate the world at the moment.
I’m in a very dark head space and have been for a while. Today, I can’t even look at myself anymore.
It’s been steadily getting worse as time goes on; along with my sickness, it comes and goes.

Work has been difficult emotionally recently; the company as a whole isn’t doing to well and there’s a bit of social tension that I’m very bad at coping with along with everything else, particularly the pressure of trying to keep so many diverse tasks in line and learn new strategies and things I probably shouldn’t know on probation every day. We lost a grant so about 40 people are losing their jobs. It looks like about a quarter of the students I’ve been caring for since May will be failing, which is entirely on them, but I’m still worried for them. The list goes on. I cry when the weekend is over because it can be so difficult to muster up a smile again and push through another week.

Outside of work, a friend recently decided they didn’t want me in their life. Not too recently; it was just before my last entry actually – but it really, really hurts when someone tells you they don’t care about you anymore so brutally after almost 9 years. It’s taken a while to sink in but whenever I have time alone, I begin going through everything I could have possibly done to make him feel that way. And at points like today where my mental and physical health suck, it’s like I’ve been shot with a poisoned arrow, and it just keeps seeping in. I don’t know. I guess getting a girlfriend replaced me in his life.
I still have a hole.

I went to the doctors to get my blood test results in from the first blood test I’ve done in a while. I’ve been extremely disheartened with the in/out medical system after my experience at the start of the year (e.g., telling the doctors that I didn’t think it was an endocrine issue and getting fobbed off because I don’t know anything about my own body) so coming back has been very anxiety-inducing, but today I guess I was proved right when my thyroid and pituitary levels came back fine. Apparently, I have minor deficiencies in potassium and Vitamin D, and looking back on my old records from the beginning of the year I can see my potassium levels declining. Why we paid hundreds of dollars for specialists to not pick up that trend, I don’t know, but this hoe is mad. It doesn’t make much sense but maybe my body has become less effective at processing my intake of electrolytes...? In any case, I don’t think I was meant to lose 8kg of healthy weight.

Also (not to boast or anything) but I tested positive to the Epsteindidn’t kill himself Barr test, which means I have the antibodies created in the presence of glandular fever. From my meagre education in biology, I would take the plunge and say I’ve probably had chronic fatigue as an after-effect of glandular fever, which is actually quite common despite no conclusive evidence on the topic. But sure, refer me to a mothertrucking private dietician healthcare won’t cover. I’ll give it a crack if it gets rid of this constant nausea. Or not.
I would not be so convinced that chronic fatigue is a strong possibility if I didn’t already know that I get nauseous when I push myself to exhaustion. A few times through year 12 I pushed myself to the point I would vomit; so, it makes sense?


Umh, positives. Why do I cry more when I try to think of what is meant to make me happy but doesn’t.

>   My boss passed the Australian citizenship test two days ago. Me and a coworker went out and bought him a bunch of presents, both serious and    silly Aussie stuff like Milo, Weet-Bix and Vegemite, and gave them all to him on a car ride after work into the city. He has really been struggling so seeing his face light up (and tear up) was rewarding to see.
>   I bought some nice undies and they’re super nice and they make me feel barely passable as a human being.
>   8 months with Erutepa. That’s probably the biggest up in my life right now.
>   Training myself on Photoshop Illustrator and InDesign which is something I can put on my resume as a graphic artist. Even though I can’t even draw normally at the moment.
>   I was gifted a kalimba, a bracelet and a pair of socks.
>   I saw a few cute cats.
>   I wrote a guide on what SBAT is for VIC students. Yay.

I don’t know. I just feel sick and drained and disheartened with everything. Tomorrow I’ll try to make pancakes and wash my sheets. I washed my clothes today. But what kind of goal is that? I just feel stupid. Stupid, and confused, anxious, and scared. It’s like I grew up young, but there’s still a small child huddling somewhere inside of me as a passenger to everything I do. I just want to close my eyes and disappear. I doubt many people would care too much if I did anyway. Not even people I thought cared, for a long time. Or they’d care when it became convenient.
I'm impressed if you read all this. Always am. I'll try to remember to write when I'm feeling more positive sometime.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: r1ckworthy on November 09, 2019, 08:58:56 pm
Hey, if it helps, I think it is through these dark moments that we can actually grow as individuals. While I've only experienced a teeeeny bit of what you are experiencing right now, I think one day we will look back and see it as one of the many stages in which we grow to become better human beings. All the difficulty surrounding work, yes, it is bloody hard but we will be thankful of such experiences in the future. I may be wrong, but this is just one of the many stages of our life, albeit one that is difficult to pass through, but like the old saying goes, "One step at a time."

I don't know if what I'm writing is plain rubbish or actually sound advice, but going through these dark moments is important to one's identity. Each waking day, you get up and do whatever is required, no matter how shitty or awful it is. That is what makes a life so valuable! The courage to keep moving, one day at a time, one step at a time.

However, if we don't share these dark moments, then we will forever keep cascading into the darkness. And these journal posts, no matter how painful or how joyous to write, influence and transform people without you knowing. Take me for example. I've had circumstances throughout this year where things have gotten so, so dark. There have been nights where I have stayed up all night, just screaming silently with a bunch of scissors in my hands.

But I got through this, luckily with the help of my parents and friends, as well as beyond blue and eheadspace. These journal posts, what you might think as worthless helped me get through this stage. Sharing these brutal moments can really save someone.

This journal has helped me so much this year, as well as many others. Even though one friend has left you, just know that you will always have the support of this awesome community ;D
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: PhoenixxFire on November 09, 2019, 09:18:43 pm
Also (not to boast or anything) but I tested positive to the Epsteindidn’t kill himself Barr test, which means I have the antibodies created in the presence of glandular fever. From my meagre education in biology, I would take the plunge and say I’ve probably had chronic fatigue as an after-effect of glandular fever, which is actually quite common despite no conclusive evidence on the topic. But sure, refer me to a mothertrucking private dietician healthcare won’t cover. I’ll give it a crack if it gets rid of this constant nausea. Or not.
I would not be so convinced that chronic fatigue is a strong possibility if I didn’t already know that I get nauseous when I push myself to exhaustion. A few times through year 12 I pushed myself to the point I would vomit; so, it makes sense?
That actually makes a lot of sense. At least its something to go on, better than having no idea I guess. My brother has CFS (which is possibly caused by a lot of things, none definitively, but one of them is glandular fever where the chronic fatigue afterwards doesn't go away) and it took a very long time of doctors doing tests and trying to explain it by literally anything else before they figured that out. If this has been an ongoing thing (i think it has to be 6 months) then finding a doctor who knows about cfs might get you some actual answers. There isn't really heaps of proven treatment options for chronic fatigue, diet and moderate non strenuous exercise are supposed to help somewhat though.

Outside of work, a friend recently decided they didn’t want me in their life. Not too recently; it was just before my last entry actually – but it really, really hurts when someone tells you they don’t care about you anymore so brutally after almost 9 years. It’s taken a while to sink in but whenever I have time alone, I begin going through everything I could have possibly done to make him feel that way. And at points like today where my mental and physical health suck, it’s like I’ve been shot with a poisoned arrow, and it just keeps seeping in. I don’t know. I guess getting a girlfriend replaced me in his life.
I still have a hole.
:( I know it's hard for your to believe, but it's not your fault and I hope that you're able to realise that eventually. I am so lucky to have you as a friend and there's nothing you could ever do to make me not care about you. Love you always <3

I don’t know. I just feel sick and drained and disheartened with everything. Tomorrow I’ll try to make pancakes and wash my sheets. I washed my clothes today. But what kind of goal is that? I just feel stupid. Stupid, and confused, anxious, and scared. It’s like I grew up young, but there’s still a small child huddling somewhere inside of me as a passenger to everything I do. I just want to close my eyes and disappear. I doubt many people would care too much if I did anyway. Not even people I thought cared, for a long time. Or they’d care when it became convenient.
I'm impressed if you read all this. Always am. I'll try to remember to write when I'm feeling more positive sometime.
That's the sort of goal that gets you through another day. Big mood though. To quote someone much wiser than me ;) "It's something. It's living." I would care a whole lot poet, I enjoy having you in my life and am better for it, regardless of how you're feeling, I will always care about you. As always, I read every word of this post, and I hope that one day you can learn to trust that there will always be someone who is here to listen and care about you. Enjoy your pancakes <3
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Bri MT on November 09, 2019, 09:40:09 pm
From my meagre education in biology
hmmm... between a fair few of your friends you probably have a fair bit of exposure to bio, so your education might be more than meagre. We can hope. :)


But what kind of goal is that?

A SMART one? In the past week you've also gotten the SBAT guide done (which you did a great job on btw despite me distracting you for a couple hours with my problems) and written this post up. Yeah, I'm counting actually putting your words out there and hitting the submit button as an achieved goal - it's easy to procrastinate and nonetheless you've done it. More than that, you've gotten through the week. Regardless of how fantastic, terrible, or mundane it was that's one week you won't have to do again.

There's a next one, and that's going to need to be dealt with but I feel like you're doing what you can to prepare for it and it doesn't seem like you have heaps of incomplete tasks from previous weeks to catch up on.

The brain is really good at remembering scary things - we have this whole system involving the amygdala & adrenaline and stuff to enshrine that in our memory and sometimes it's easy for us to remember the terrifying things, have the intrusive thoughts and see the world in shades of dark grey. I don't know how to help you turn the brightness up but I'll sit with you in the dark.

and you know I won't get into a relationship and have my friendships overshadowed
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on November 16, 2019, 08:52:27 pm
I really, truly appreciate the unconditional kindness on display here. I wanted to reply to these the night I saw them, but better late than never.

/snip/
Hey Rick,

Thank you.
I do have my doubts that I'll ever appreciate fighting with myself and the medical system, but perhaps one day I'll be stronger for the struggles.

Standing with a person who is struggling, lifting them up, letting them know that they have people who care about them, is never rubbish or useless. It can be extremely difficult to remember there are those out there to lean on, especially when your mind tells you there's nothing - no-one. To live that, as you said, and still wake up day after day, can take immense strength in itself.

Be proud of yourself for the power of will you held through those times; and be proud of the understanding and strength it has given you.

/snip/
I've had the noticeable symptoms since December last year (I was in bed for two months) but I can probably trace it back to at earliest the start of year 11/end of year 10. Which would explain a lot haha. I'll have to make another appointment soon but my anxiety is ~ w i l d ~ today so not right now :(
And yeah, re: treatment options, I don't think antidepressants helped bc I got a lot worse on them physical health-wise. Wonder why. Anyway we'll check those off the experimental treatment list.

Love you likewise <3 You mean a lot to me and I hope you know that.

Thank you, I did enjoy my pancakes. I used brown sugar instead of white and it turned out fantastic; never going back. Because you know what? Pancakes are something. They're living. Haha.

/snip/
OK so maybe hanging out on AN... and having best friends who are STEM geniuses... and dating a bio nerd... means I have more than a meagre knowledge hehe

Thanks for sitting with me, again. Love you <3
oh damn some sneaky shade here if I'm interpreting correctly, I like that


I'm feeling a little better now. A little. Still working on it, don't you worry.
It's Saturday. We're slowly getting through the weeks, I'm just looking forward to the end of year break. It's a little bit jolting going straight from school breaks (4 term breaks of two weeks with an extra month between years) to working (no breaks except for public holidays and accrued leave/unpaid leave). Or maybe it would be a bigger jolt from uni? Not sure.

The world is about to begin to speed up very soon, so I thought I'd make an update before it all starts.

I've had the goal to move out of home in January for a while. At the same time, I've been concerned about my health throughout that process and the sustainability of such a venture. Luckily, I have a stable job and have been saving more than I planned for in budgeting so far; I'm actually more than 1.5K ahead of my goal (watch that go back down to predicted when Christmas comes crashing in!) and I'll be inspecting a potential property on Tuesday.
Wild.

Going hiking for the first time in a long time tomorrow, too - I've been feeling OK this past week health-wise and basically all of today was just resting, so hopefully I'll have the strength to take a longer trail. I'm so excited and it's probably the only thing I've genuinely looked forward to (like REALLY) in what feels like forever. I wish I had more time to go out and do things like walk for ages in the quiet forest.

The world is so vast; I don't know what to do with it. Some parts I hate, and some parts I love. I haven't told anyone this but honestly, a large part of me wants to move somewhere isolated and look after disadvantaged and orphaned people. I think my maternal side is coming out and I hate it. Stop producing oxytocin every single time you see a baby, body. Thanks.

I worked with autistic children (from the ages of 15-16) for the first time a few days ago and helped them through a test designed to gauge their abilities to complete a Cert. II. They were so good and I absolutely loved it by the end; sitting for more than an hour with one student went by like it was 15 minutes. I have been told that I'm good with kids before, I guess it might come naturally from being in a family of 5 children? I don't think I could do it every day but I think that working with people with intellectual disabilities is something I could do very well, and find rewarding. I might just see if I can volunteer some time to a school or become a support worker for the company I'm already at. Maybe even complete a qualification, when I'm more set on a decision. I don't know. My mind is flashing back and forth between a lot of things because I've been finding a lack of passion for any set profession, and that makes me feel lost and afraid of what the future holds for my career.

Anyway that's all. Love you all. Please put brown sugar in your pancake mixtures.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on January 31, 2020, 10:36:02 pm
It's been a couple months.

To summarise, here's what happened:

- My work very suddenly shut down after losing a government grant, and I was given a weeks' notice. Thankfully, I was called back to complete the archiving. I had 8 days before I didn't have a job.
- Went on a holiday for a couple of weeks and had the time of my life. Had to evacuate due to fires but that holiday was my first time away from family outside of school for 19 years.
- Visited my grandparents in NSW for a weekend after learning grandpa has cancer. Hated the trip but love them.
- Lay in bed a lot
- Can't get another job because I'm incapable of hitting the 'apply' button without crying
- Turned down an interview and then cried all night
- Running. Running physically and mentally. I'm never home anymore.
- Was hot today, am stimky.

Where do I start, hey?

My head is such a dark, messy tangle. Like a ball of string, or a pair of earphones left in your pocket for too long. It seems I’ve begun to recycle analogies in an effort to describe the altschmerz. Weltschmerz. I’m weary. And it seems like wherever I find rest, it’s all temporary.

I haven’t updated in a long time because it’s all the same. A cycle of short bursts of joy before long periods of hurt and sickness. Life has lost it’s meaning. Positive affirmations feel like lies. My world has been so dark, and I don’t know how to cope.

Of course I’m still here. I’m still trying, with the energy I have. Which is why I started running. Which is why I just washed my clothes for the first time in weeks. Which is why I’m writing.
‘”CaN a DePrEsSeD pErSoN dO tHiS?!?!?” She wheezes, folding her crumpled laundry at 1am as her dirty cup collection watches on disdainfully.'

If I can’t convince myself that life is worth it, god damn I’m going to let others try to convince me. I can't see the meaning of it all now, but I've seen it before. I'm hoping I'll be able to see it again soon.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on January 31, 2020, 10:50:39 pm
love you girlie xx

Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Bri MT on January 31, 2020, 11:28:37 pm
Hey Poet,

If we go with the tangled up string and earphones metaphor, the earphones may get tangled up in your pocket but that doesn't stop them from being great at serenading you with music or other sounds. They might get tangled up again but they also might be folded away neatly or wrapped around some gadget. Unlike string or earphones you can make decisions to influence your state and be tangled less. I know it's hard, really really hard sometimes and sometimes it seems futile but I have seen you go through these cycles before and you have always pulled yourself out. Slipping back down sucks but I absolutely believe that you have been having a general upwards trend and even if you hadn't I would still believe in you & your resilience. That being said, you had - in your own words - "the time of your life" earlier this year and I think that's a nifty piece of evidence for the upwards trend.

I love your resilience, your insight, your kindness, your empathy, your initiative, your wisdom, your creativity, your ability to id birds (ok that might seem out of place in this list but seriously it's great) ... I could keep going but there are too many aspects of you for me to list them all. You might think that your bright light is dampened by the darkness but that's not how these things work. Clouds in the sky don't stop stars from existing even when they block them and make it harder to remember where they are. Similarly, even when you can't see the positives and they are harder to remember they are still there.

The meaning I hold to in my life is doing my best to live by my core values & thus help make the world a better place. I can't tell you what should act as your guide, but I can tell you that although being able to articulate my guide has helped me, it hasn't changed my value or the value of my communities to me - only provided a reference frame for how I perceive things. The point I'm trying to get out here is that it's ok - albeit sometimes scary -  to not have a clear idea of why life is worth it and what meaning it holds to you, since that can change perceived value but your true value is undefinable and immutable.

Thank you for sharing and thank you for trying. Love you
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on April 08, 2020, 02:11:06 pm
Hi dearest friends. How are you? I hope you’re loving yourself through the lockdowns and cancellations and stress. Have you had something to eat today? Some water? Stand up, walk around, stretch out your neck and release the tension from your shoulders. It’s all going to be okay. You’re making your way through this week as best you can. Well done. I’m proud of you.

It’s time to come clean about something – I haven’t been doing okay in a long time. And I shouldn’t have stopped writing. It’s one of those things we become complacent about so easily. Over time, I forget this is good for me.
So, yeah. I ended up in hospital for 2 weeks before being transferred to a sort of halfway home. I’m currently in rehab and I’ve been put on new medications and I’m doing alright. While I was in hospital I wasn’t able to go out and run, so I’ve been building my fitness back up for the past week or so. Yesterday I did my first rep session alone which is an improvement, but I also have been finding it difficult to eat and find motivation to do much. My sleep has been improving though and I’m only having nightmares every few nights as opposed to every single night as I was before being admitted.

My health workers are really understanding, lovely people and I’m grateful to end up in such a gentle and supportive environment. I didn’t think the public system would be good, but I’ve been very lucky in ending up in a place that has been right for me.

The whole world is just so crazy at the moment. I feel lost and it’s going to be so much harder now to find a job and progress from here. I don’t want to end up in the same loop again. I don’t want to be broken, but I am, and it’s hard to accept that I can’t work on fixing it as much as I want to right now. But it’s also important to remember that “this too shall pass”, as my great grandmother used to say. The world keeps spinning. The darkness will always break. No matter how black the night, the sun will shine again.

Now, I think it’s important in a recovery sense to remind ourselves of things we are grateful for, no matter how small. So… I’m grateful for having a safe place to be. I’m grateful for strawberries. And I’m grateful for friends.

I think that’s all for now. Maybe I’ll try to keep updating and writing more about my feelings and thoughts again. It’s still a bit like trying to untangle wet spaghetti but it’ll get better. I don’t want to die today. Maybe just sleep for a long, long time. But that’s still an improvement.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on April 08, 2020, 02:33:48 pm
Never feel like you have to keep updating, if its something you love doing the by all means write away honey! but remember to put yourself first. Don't worry about a job, it will come, the future is in your hands and is all up to you. worry about the now, worry about you. All you should be focusing on is those strawberries, yourself and your mindset, and we are all here to help. Thats a promise.

To join in on the reminding of what we are grateful for. I am grateful for my bed, I am grateful for friends and I am grateful for YOU. I know its all your hearing at the moment but keep your head up. Generally in these times it's hard to find the motivation to do certain things like get out of bed, or go for a walk or eat something, but you won't regret it, I promise. Set small goals. If you wake up and have a shower and all you want to do is go back to bed? that's ok, tell yourself to eat something first even a few grapes! (hehe) even if you make a meal and don't eat it all its ok, but after that then have a nap. Make goals. Little ones are good to start with, each day add a new goal. Today it might be the goal to get out of bed, tomorrow it might be get out of bed and wash some clothes, or wash your hair. Its ok if they are small.

Love you sister. You can do it. <3 :)
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on July 19, 2020, 01:06:44 pm
Hello lovely people <3

... Make goals. Little ones are good to start with, each day add a new goal. Today it might be the goal to get out of bed, tomorrow it might be get out of bed and wash some clothes, or wash your hair. Its ok if they are small.

Love you sister. You can do it. <3 :)

Love you too, sis. I'm doing it. Thanks to you. And others.

I've hit a point where progress is visible to me. That's a big thing. I've taken my time to rest, recover, heal, and find new meaning.
My last entry was written from a one-bedroom, no kitchen apartment on the second story of a house filled with some of the saddest people I'll ever know. Living day to day purely because nurses would feed them. Drugged to oblivion. Listless. I was one of them for a while, and still am sometimes. But now I'm home, and supported, I'm finding comfort in a life I never wanted.

I'm still jobless. It's a setback, but not an impossible barrier. There's more to life than just making a wage, and to be hyper-fixated on the daily 9-5 grind is unreasonable. When the opportunity comes, I'll grasp it in both hands. But for now, my progress is internal and slow and confusing, and a working life isn't sustainable. So instead of getting a job, I've applied to do a Cert. IV in Companion Animal Services. Full time is two days a week of classes and study, so it's a good option for someone like me trying to work themselves out of a foggy depressive mindset. I've already been given an offer and orientation is in 6 days. I made phone calls by myself, went through application tests and made long-term commitments I never would have been able to make even a few months ago.

I've also been taking Pilates classes. Again, something I never would have been able to do. Something enjoyable and worthwhile. It forces me to get out of the house and go somewhere. Keep my anxiety under control. And it's a medical appointment so even in these lockdowns I'm able to go get some exercise and tips on keeping myself in shape.

Just little things; what seems like nothing to a healthy individual. But it's huge for me, and I can safely say now that I'm proud of myself for being here even if it wasn't my plan. And I owe the fact that I still exist to people I met through AN. That's huge.

I'm setting calendar reminders to write my thoughts down when I can. I've got another shot at life because of this site; might as well let it know how I'm doing with it.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Bri MT on July 19, 2020, 09:30:25 pm


I'm incredibly grateful for each time you made the choice to keep sticking around and I'm so proud of each push you've made towards a better life. Additionally, signing up for a new course and entering a new exercise routine (let alone working on doing the introspection work) is never nothing.

I don't have much to say rn but I hope you can read the meaning and emotion I'm trying to put into this, and thank you for sharing this with us.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on July 22, 2020, 05:12:32 pm


I have to say I didn't really have much of a choice in the matter when I was admitted, but I'm glad now I wasn't given the choice.

Hi.
I promised myself I'd update this if I was feeling a bit down and thought it would help, so here I am again.
I've noticed my mood worsening over the past couple of days and this morning I woke up nauseous and sick of the world's crap. If you've been reading my journal since last year, you'll probably know I struggle with bouts of fatigue, dizziness and sickness along with clinical anxiety and depression. It's very unlikely to be COVID as the symptoms don't align and I've been self-isolating. I've been lucky to see those pop up less regularly for a little while, but today I'm very shaky and kind of yuck. I managed to pull myself out of bed for my physiotherapist's Pilates class but it didn't feel productive (rest in peace the 40 bucks I spent on that session) because I just felt so ill and couldn't focus on the instructions well. It's okay though, I'll be better next week.

I'm really, really scared about starting this course. I know I'll like it but it's been really difficult to shake the constant "what ifs" my brain likes to lob around. What if they forget about you and don't send the class information? What if you get too scared to speak in class? What if they need our cameras on? What if my classmates don't like me? What if I drop out? What if I fail? Around and around. I've been trying to push them out of my head but the only way to get rid of them is to find out, I guess.
I'm glad I rely on drugs to sleep because otherwise I wouldn't be getting a single wink for the next two nights UwU

Uuuuuh what else? I know, we'll put some positives in here.
I've been having some fun Netflix and Stan binges recently after yoinking the login deets to my partner's account huehuehue, just finished S2 of Sex Education and he and I are watching Stranger Things together! I've never seen it so the excitement is real. I'm also back to running twice a week which is a vastly lesser amount than I was, but hopefully it will help me feel a bit less stressed. And my best friend just called, and she's the best. I forget how important it is to keep in touch with the people you love, and how much better the world seems when they're there; even if it's just on a phone screen.

And hey. Even if today the best thing you can think of is being unconscious, tomorrow always holds the promise of something better.
Always.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on July 22, 2020, 06:20:35 pm
Heyo best-friend :)))), looks like I called you at just the right time <3.

I know im still in high school so not sure if anyone else here can draw on this more, but ive been told @ uni people make friends but its also easy to stick to yourself (if thats what you prefer). Ofc with every new thing there will be the anxious nerves and the fear of the unknown, but see this as a new start, a new focus. Something to invest in that leaves you with benefits for your future.

Creds to getting out of bed and going to pilates today, so proud of ya sis! Even if you felt like you wasted that $40. Guess who still got up and got herself there? YOU! Thats a goal in itself.

Love a Netflix and Stan binge! (100% the reason my grades are slipping!) but definitely recommend Pretty Little Liars (Netflix), Teen wolf (Stan). atm im binging Vampire Diaries and I am acquiring a Damon Salvatore obsession so all the tiki's toks im seeing about him finally make sense!

Good that your running again, dont stress about the amount. Twice a week is still great + pilates, you're doing better than most of us! Keep it up honey, super proud of you :) I always am.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on August 09, 2020, 04:43:43 pm
I’ve made a few attempts at writing this entry over the past couple of weeks, but I just haven’t been able to. I guess the timing was just… wrong. But it’s right now.

What’s happened since my last entry? Not much. I’ve been home for all of it. Not really much to do. My course is taking up my Thursdays and Fridays now, and I’ve been working on my first graded assessment task due this Friday. WHS is boring and basically common sense in lawyer speak so the fact that I’m finding it difficult to translate into my own words has left me frustrated. Anxious about my performance and if I’ll pass. I don’t know. At least my classmates are quite lovely, I did a couple hours of study with one yesterday and she’s a very open and kind individual. It puts me more at ease to know someone else doing the course rather than being all alone.

My physio work is still going on and I’ve been trying to get out of the house to just go for a walk on my non-running days. I’ve been feeling trapped and it helps a little bit, even if I can’t go far. Thankfully I think the progressive workload I’ve been following has been good and my knee hasn’t played up at all during or after any sessions. I keep forgetting to ask my coach to place me back on a guided schedule though! (I just did it because I remembered while writing this post haha.) After finishing this I’ll go for a walk/jog for maybe half an hour.

Emotionally, I’m a bit of a wreck. Up and down like a see-saw all day, every day. Right now I feel tired and headachey and sad, but earlier I felt energetic and cheery. I slept 12 hours for the first time in forever, I’ve eaten, I don’t know why I feel like I do. I guess processing emotions is busy work.

There’s not really anything else to write about. So I guess that’s Poet, signing off.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: The Cat In The Hat on August 10, 2020, 10:35:23 am
Hope you feel better... don't know what else to say.
Stay safe.
:)
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on October 02, 2020, 02:09:13 pm
I've put in a request to defer my course till 2021.
The doctors still can't tell me what's wrong - they think I have an eating disorder. I don't. I'm not lying to them. I wouldn't lie about why I'm so sick. Why does everyone assume I'm lying? Is my life just that tragic? I guess it is.
I'm so sick and sore and it feels like I'll never get better, be able to run like I want to. Be happy with myself. My life.
Haven't stopped crying since waking up this morning. God, why do I have to be awake.
My mind has been so LOUD and I don't know what to do.
I'm stupid.
I'm ugly.
I'm useless.
I'm a failure.

I'm scared.

I can't think. I can't breathe. Why can't I breathe?
This was meant to get better. This was meant to be healing.
I'm meant to be happy here. I'm meant to feel safe. Why don't I feel safe? Why are there tears on my cheeks instead of a smile? I should be smiling. I can smile, see? Look happy. Look happy. Look happy.

It's too much. Too much too much too much.
I can't fix it. I can't do anything but lie here wishing I could sleep.
God, I'm so tired. Can my mind shut up for a bit? No? Okay.

I don't want to be here again.
I don't want to be me again.
Please.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Bri MT on October 02, 2020, 07:17:37 pm
Stupid? Ugly? Useless? Failure?

You're not any of those.

Scared makes a lot of sense and I certainly won't dispute that one.

Sometimes what feels safe doesn't follow what our minds see as logical but that doesn't make it easy to function in an environment where you're on edge. It's draining even on its own.

I hope this eases again soon.

You have multiple people who see you as a wonderful person & that's because you are. However highly you are functioning we value you.

I don't think you'd choose to lie about this. It doesn't fit with what I know of you.

Thank you for telling us what's going on 💙
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: The Cat In The Hat on October 02, 2020, 08:17:17 pm
Stupid? Ugly? Useless? Failure?

You're not any of those.

Scared makes a lot of sense and I certainly won't dispute that one.

Sometimes what feels safe doesn't follow what our minds see as logical but that doesn't make it easy to function in an environment where you're on edge. It's draining even on its own.

I hope this eases again soon.

You have multiple people who see you as a wonderful person & that's because you are. However highly you are functioning we value you.

I don't think you'd choose to lie about this. It doesn't fit with what I know of you.

Thank you for telling us what's going on 💙
You have said all that I wanted to say but didn't know how to. Thank you.
Stay safe, Poet.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on October 17, 2020, 10:22:48 am
Thanks for your replies, Bri and Cat. I'm safe, I'm okay. And I appreciate you both. <3

Dear friends,

It's been a couple of weeks since my last panicked update (I'm sorry for inflicting it upon you) and I thought I'd update now.

I've been going through the process of just keeping myself safe and sane, and yesterday I moved into a hospital home and was put in the same room as last time (hooray for consistency!). About 70% of the staff are the same and actually remember me which is insane considering how long it's been since I was here last. It does help to ease my mind a little to know that they care enough to see me as an individual.

As I'm here for preventative care, I've been trusted to supervise my own medication use and I can go out for runs/walks without supervision. If I get worse and feel unsafe or unable to regulate myself, I'll let the staff know and they'll go through anything I may need - which includes checking up on me every two hours and organising possible changes/restrictions in medication or transfer to the psychiatric ward (which I doubt I'll need).

It looks like I'll be here for 2 weeks and in that time I'll have daily sessions with my keyworker/assessors and two optional therapy workshops per day. Last time I was here, I had a bit of an intimidating housemate who would follow me around so I rarely went to sessions - but this time I think I'll be a lot more comfortable in community sessions as the other housemates aren't threatening.

Also I thought I'd be sad about the instant coffee here but turns out my standards are just as low as before I started barista-ing my own with a coffee machine hehe! Hot beverages are niceeeee, especially as today is rainy and cold (yay for sweater weather!) :))

Insanipi sent me a book to read (how precious is she <3) so I might open it today and give it a try. They also have puzzles here, and I've got my laptop, phone, nail polish, art supplies and some makeup to entertain myself with in the down times. And a tonne of chocolate from my partner (thank you bb)!

Okay I think that's all. I'll have to update after I get out because I have some super exciting plans involving the care of living creatures and stuff!

Love from,
Your low-functioning but okay Poet who hasn't written much poetry lately
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: The Cat In The Hat on October 17, 2020, 11:00:30 am
Thanks for your replies, Bri and Cat. I'm safe, I'm okay. And I appreciate you both. <3

Dear friends,

It's been a couple of weeks since my last panicked update (I'm sorry for inflicting it upon you) and I thought I'd update now.

I've been going through the process of just keeping myself safe and sane, and yesterday I moved into a hospital home and was put in the same room as last time (hooray for consistency!). About 70% of the staff are the same and actually remember me which is insane considering how long it's been since I was here last. It does help to ease my mind a little to know that they care enough to see me as an individual.

As I'm here for preventative care, I've been trusted to supervise my own medication use and I can go out for runs/walks without supervision. If I get worse and feel unsafe or unable to regulate myself, I'll let the staff know and they'll go through anything I may need - which includes checking up on me every two hours and organising possible changes/restrictions in medication or transfer to the psychiatric ward (which I doubt I'll need).

It looks like I'll be here for 2 weeks and in that time I'll have daily sessions with my keyworker/assessors and two optional therapy workshops per day. Last time I was here, I had a bit of an intimidating housemate who would follow me around so I rarely went to sessions - but this time I think I'll be a lot more comfortable in community sessions as the other housemates aren't threatening.

Also I thought I'd be sad about the instant coffee here but turns out my standards are just as low as before I started barista-ing my own with a coffee machine hehe! Hot beverages are niceeeee, especially as today is rainy and cold (yay for sweater weather!) :))

Insanipi sent me a book to read (how precious is she <3) so I might open it today and give it a try. They also have puzzles here, and I've got my laptop, phone, nail polish, art supplies and some makeup to entertain myself with in the down times. And a tonne of chocolate from my partner (thank you bb)!

Okay I think that's all. I'll have to update after I get out because I have some super exciting plans involving the care of living creatures and stuff!

Love from,
Your low-functioning but okay Poet who hasn't written much poetry lately
It's good you're okay. I don't know what else to say, but your update makes me happy. :) (Yeah, I'm really bad at expressing these things. Sorry.)
Stay safe. :)
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: sweetiepi on October 17, 2020, 03:36:51 pm

I'm glad you're taking steps that keep you safe and sane, Poet.

(Btw- It's okay if you don't get to the book or try and then put it down too <3 reading for fun shouldn't feel like you're pressured to read it straight away ^-^ )
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on October 29, 2020, 03:22:57 pm
Alrighty. Hi friends.

It's been 2 weeks and I said I'd write when I got out... Funny thing is, my stay was extended for another week. I'll be here till next Friday. So, why write now? Because keeping a journal is a good thing to do, and I need to let some stuff out.

So, what have I been up to while in hospital? Not much. I've been pretty up and down. Concentrating on one thing has been really difficult. And the house is currently understaffed so the past 2 weeks weren't as productive as I'd hoped coming in. Hopefully, this third week means I can get more done, more learnt, to make my stay worthwhile.

The house is currently holding 8 patients including me. 3 of them are younger adults, like me. 4 are all above 50. 3 of those are all around 70.
The others don't seem to know how to wash dishes or use a dishwasher (or clean up spills, or put away leftovers...) so every couple of days I clean the entire kitchen (made for 10 people mind you, so BIG kitchen) by myself. After 2 weeks you'd think someone else would notice. But honestly, that's my only complaint. They're nice people. And I guess it gives me some physical exertion on days I haven't been able to run.

I have a few meetings with my key worker, clinician, and doctor per week as well as community meetings and group therapy sessions. Oh, and weekly 1 on 1 Telehealth art therapy. It sounds busy, but there's a lot of waiting in between, and I've found myself detached a few times, distressed on rare occasion. Hopefully this week finds me with more to do then sit and let myself dissociate.

My goals for being here revolve around getting linked with job services but most importantly learning about and implementing self-compassion. I'll be honest - all my big talk about loving yourself is a bit hypocritical. I can honestly say that I hate myself. And I know how wrong that is. So I'm trying to improve that. Trying to accept myself as I am. Trying to look at myself in the mirror and not worry about my smile. Trying to believe it when others tell me I'm pretty. That I don't need to change.
Or, that if I should change, to love myself as I am now AND then.

So, some things I want to do/see progress in:
~ I want to have completed up to lesson 3 in my mental health course before discharge
~ Fill in (and display) sticky notes with things I want to do for enjoyment and things I like about myself (positive affirmations!)
~ Call youth employment services and follow up general numbers given by my key worker
~ Remember to practice controlled breathing twice a day
~ Exercise every day (at least half an hour 3 days of the week at minimum) - depression means you feel fatigued all the time. Exercise can make you feel more energetic.
~ Don't bite your nails - it's not a good old habit.
~ Try drawing by myself (outside of art therapy) at least twice per week. Set the time aside.
~ Talk to myself more positively. Take some pictures and write good things.
~ Take risks! Cook dinner for the house, send a resume, try substituting vegan ingredients in my favourite recipes, advocate for myself because I am worth people's time. I am worth people's care. I am worthy of this place. I am worth it.

Okay, I think that's all. And hey - I hope if you're struggling with your mental state, that you know you're not alone. There's help out there for you. You can and will get better. The hardest step is to reach out. I promise you, it gets easier every time.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on November 24, 2020, 12:22:36 pm
Hello, lovelies. It's been about a month since my last update so thought I'd check in before heading out for a run.

My stay was extended past the Friday and I was discharged Monday afternoon, making my stay a total of 3 weeks and 3 days. 10 days longer than I initially planned. But that's okay, as the last week was successfully productive and I've been able to continue with the work I began for the last few weeks since discharge.

Since being home, I've been okay. Still struggling sometimes with just feeling like existence is a burden, but I've been able to hold myself accountable and consciously work on my self image and perspective. I've managed to keep my room moderately clean, and my cat has been a wonderful support as always.
OH AND ALSO
REMEMBER HOW I SAID LIKE 2 MONTHS AGO I HAD SOME EXCITING NEWS
WELL I GOT A 40 LITRE FISH TANK AND I HAVE PET SHRIMP NOW

Hell yeah, shrimp!! Neocaridina davidi, or 'cherry shrimp', are super active and fun. Also teeny! They grow up to 2cms. I've wanted to keep shrimp for ages, and they're finally here!! Looking after more living things (checking water parameters daily, water changes every second day, feeding, correcting water hardness, providing plant nutrients, etc.) really gives me more of a sense of purpose. Shrimp care however is very different to fish care, so that's something to be aware of.
pic of a red cherry shrimp like my bebbies!
(https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0311/3149/articles/Red_cherry_shrimp_-_breeding_a98adf6d-3b7c-4305-9693-8bab1ca21a21_1000x.jpg?v=1580991235)

Okay, now... I wrote up some goals to keep throughout the last month. Let's see how I have been doing.
:)
Quote
I want to have completed up to lesson 3 in my mental health course before discharge
Done! I completed lesson 4 a few days ago too :))
Quote
Fill in (and display) sticky notes with things I want to do for enjoyment and things I like about myself (positive affirmations!)
Not yet - I've brainstormed, but haven't actually written anything on notes yet. I'll have to do that before my next update.
Quote
Call youth employment services and follow up general numbers given by my key worker
Kind of - I registered my interest under the government Disability Employment Services scheme and have a worker I'm in contact with, but didn't actually get anywhere with local employer links from my key worker at PARC.
Quote
Remember to practice controlled breathing twice a day
Yes! I actually have been doing this, more once a day though if I'm honest. Still, good progress on my end.
Quote
Exercise every day (at least half an hour 3 days of the week at minimum)
Mostly! I have one or two rest days per week where I do a stretch routine rather than working out or running, but I'm pretty strong atm.
Quote
Don't bite your nails
Yep - got an SNS manicure done so I couldn't bite them if I wanted to - also, they're super pretty now hahaha
Quote
Try drawing by myself (outside of art therapy) at least twice per week
Yes! I've actually been working on a commission portrait for someone lately and that's really helped to get me back into drawing :D
Quote
Talk to myself more positively. Take some pictures and write good things.
No :( - I've been struggling quite a bit with this one. Need more time to slowly build up.
Quote
Take risks!
Sort of! I started playing a new game, talking to new people, and I've been baking occasionally without a recipe! Haven't done anything big but that's okay. We'll get there.

And now for some new goals I thought would be good to review in the long-term (as well as the ones referenced above):
~ Compete in athletics competition for the first time
~ Use public transport by myself
~ Talk to other people in the squad/pilates class
~ Take photos or get photo taken in public
~ Wear a put-together outfit out of the house
~ Go swimming and put my head underwater
~ Record myself singing and post it(?)
~ Go travelling after Christmas!!
~ No self-harm for the rest of the year

There's not really much else to say except thank you, reader, for being here. You're so precious to so many people. You are strong, and you are capable of many things. Let's get out there and celebrate existing this week. <3
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: The Cat In The Hat on November 24, 2020, 12:53:08 pm
Well, I never thought shrimp could look cute. I guess I was wrong. :)
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on December 07, 2020, 11:59:15 am
updoot updoot

(https://media3.giphy.com/media/1sv8vtuj5vF2eV7K8W/giphy.gif)

Wow, check me out - it's only been what, 2 and a half weeks since the last update? Damn my procrastination skills are withering. or I'm procrastinating cleaning by writing this but shush let me feel good about something

Well, happy holidays everyone! It's December and as much as I despise Christmas, things are looking up.
My dad and I drove 11 hours to NSW and back to see my grandparents on Saturday, because it was my grandmother's birthday the day before and my grandfather's cancer prognosis isn't good. I was expecting the worst but I was so glad to see colour in his cheeks and light in his eyes despite the struggle he's facing. We're meeting them again on New Year's Eve for their 60th(!) wedding anniversary too and it's great to have something to look forward to after not seeing them since January.

After that I'm going on holiday with Erutepa's family again and I can't wait! I need to get new bathers for the creek :p
Still struggling with putting my head underwater - stress exacerbates everything so I've been really struggling to even shower lately because I get panicky. Hopefully holidays can help me relax and enjoy myself. PTSD kind of sucks sometimes but it's not going to stop me from living the life I deserve.

This week, I have a lot to do! I'm finishing and delivering a drawing commission, meeting with my DES worker, having dinner with my sister (yay!), track training, and doing a physio reassessment to put me onto power work (lifting weights and training my anaerobic capacity) because I've progressed from Pilates a bit. I also have to sign up to compete in AVSL Round 3 on Sunday!

Now to look at the goalssssss
Things I've done/been doing well:
~ Exercise every day
~ Don't bite your nails
~ Try drawing by myself at least twice per week.
~ Take risks
~ Compete in athletics competition for the first time
~ Wear a put-together outfit out of the house
~ Go travelling after Christmas!!
~ No self-harm for the rest of the year

Things I've been working on okay:
~ Positive affirmations
~ Call youth employment services
~ Practice controlled breathing
~ Talk to myself more positively.

Things I haven't done:
~ Use public transport by myself
~ Talk to other people in the squad/pilates class
~ Take photos or get photo taken in public
~ Go swimming and put my head underwater
~ Record myself singing and post it(?)

So, things that should be prioritised this week:
~ Talk to new people
~Talk to self more positively
~ Keep taking risks
~ Controlled breathing! Remember you've got this and it'll be okay.

Alright, love you guys. Let me know if I can help anyone with any of their goals! Keeping accountability is important.  :-*
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Erutepa on December 07, 2020, 07:30:19 pm
After that I'm going on holiday with Erutepa's family again and I can't wait! I need to get new bathers for the creek

woah woah woah.
this ain't no dank dirty creek we are going to go swimming in. I have standards!!!
this is a dank dirty river we will be swimming in! get it right.this is of comical intent - the river is actually quite clean and clear... usually
Quote
~ Compete in athletics competition for the first time
I think this point needs a bit more attention.
Not only did you participate in the competition, but you did so in the face of some pretty significant anxiety and, even more, ran a 2:10 for 600m when you were expecting to be over 3:00. you have pretty high expectations of yourself, so its not often you smash those expectations. This certainly warrants some self congratulations.  :)

Quote
~ Go swimming and put my head underwater
It seems to be pretty warm on Sunday - at least compared to the rest of this week - so perhaps we can tick this one off after round 3 of athletics.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on December 07, 2020, 07:37:50 pm

woah woah woah.
this ain't no dank dirty creek we are going to go swimming in. I have standards!!!
this is a dank dirty river we will be swimming in! get it right.this is of comical intent - the river is actually quite clean and clear... usually I think this point needs a bit more attention.
Not only did you participate in the competition, but you did so in the face of some pretty significant anxiety and, even more, ran a 2:10 for 600m when you were expecting to be over 3:00. you have pretty high expectations of yourself, so its not often you smash those expectations. This certainly warrants some self congratulations.  :)
It seems to be pretty warm on Sunday - at least compared to the rest of this week - so perhaps we can tick this one off after round 3 of athletics.
You're right - it's a gorgeous river in the mountains, the water pure snow melt, a steady current heard above cicada song. I'll pull a Banjo Patterson and talk about the Girl from Snowy River if you want :p

I did compete beyond my expectations. And I'd love to hit the beach on Sunday as long as I don't destroy my legs in the 800m!!

Love you lots <3
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on January 15, 2021, 06:17:19 pm
It's 2021.

Reflection makes a fool of me. It seems that 2020 was a wasted year. I spent so much of it stuck inside myself. Even now, I'll find myself staring inwards at the empty space behind my eyes instead of facing the world around me. Wishing I could sink, like a turtle in its shell, away from the noise and questions and my own goddamn expectations.

I've been struggling to write this because writing it means that I am admitting what I hate most about myself. I don't know exactly what that is, but it's somewhere in here.

We got back from holidaying at the orchard a week ago and it feels like its been forever. It was gorgeous, and fun. My tan got about 5 shades darker and my smile 3 times bigger. But the whole time I felt like I was using the people I love for personal gain. I got frustrated easily. Was sick the whole time. Didn't put my head under water.

I found myself wishing I wasn't there. Not that I didn't want to be there; I just felt as if a different person would be more deserving of my place. Imposter Syndrome, alive and well. And though I know that - logically - I'm there because people want me there. Doesn't stop me from feeling all the things that come with rejection. Even if it's self-rejection. Guilt.

I've said it so many times but... This shit is vicious. I'm so sick, physically and emotionally, and it feels like I'm slipping backwards a little more every day. Even after promising myself that it would be different this time. My body is fit, but it's not healthy. My mind is rotting inside my skull. My ribcage feels like glass, my stomach like warm dirt. How I wish I was someone else. Something else.
How I wish to be anything but me.

But life continues. Every day I wake up as me. And I'll never wake up as anything else but me. In this body, fighting with this mind, until I die and the world burns. It's thoughts like this that make me wonder if it's all worth it. Thoughts like this that have put me in this place of self-hatred. A cocoon spun of chaos. I don't think I'll ever make through this, honestly. If the ground asks to swallow me, I will let it.

Maybe this year will bring respite.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Bri MT on January 15, 2021, 06:45:14 pm
Like a turtle??

That feeling of not being able to enjoy good things is awful; I'm glad that you were still able to smile and have fun.

I think it's important to remember that your body and mind both change overtime. You will always be you but that doesn't mean that your experience of life will always be like this.

I hope this year is better for you. Sending love
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: PhoenixxFire on January 15, 2021, 07:03:44 pm
IDK if it would help you but sometimes when I start thinking about how completely and utterly pointless life is it helps me to realise that life being completely nothingness also means I can do whatever the fuck I want. Want to smash a plate? Lie on the ground in the middle of the city? Run through the streets screaming as loud as you can? Why not. Life doesn't matter anyway. IDK sometimes reframing it like that helps a little
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on March 04, 2021, 02:24:56 pm
Uh oh, 30 day warning. So scaryyyy

I've been really struggling to put my thoughts and feelings into words lately, and so it's taken me a little while to really get back here and make a post. Not to mention that my anxiety has really spiralled in the past weeks.

I can't believe it's March already. Ridiculous. It's like we've all been just kind of put in stasis through the pandemic then found ourselves a year past where we feel we should be. I am uncomfortable with that. I feel like I should have done more, grown more, progressed more. I'm at the same place I was 12 months ago and it brings me a lot of self-criticism. Why am I still sick? Why don't I have a job? Why am I only just starting my course again? Why am I still living in my parent's house? And why did I decide that existence was going to get better?

I'm aware of dangerous thought patterns that keep emerging, but the closer I get to another birthday, the harder it's getting for me to regulate. I keep telling people that I'm not being mean to myself; my self is being mean to me. There's another little voice in my head, foreign thoughts that aren't mine, that tell me I'm not good enough. That I'll never succeed. There's no point, he'll leave you eventually, we're all born to die. It's there all the time. Like it's been for years. Just a little bit louder every day.

Not sure why my birthday is a trigger for bad mental health. I'd imagine it's due to low esteem and a pretty horrid sense of self-worth. It just feels like a reminder of all the things I haven't done, or failed to do, rather than a celebration of the things I've achieved and can look forward to. So...
This year I've asked for a celebration. It's a huge thing for me and brings a lot of fear. But I want to fight everything in me that says I don't deserve to be treated of equal value to others. I want to fight the constant onslaught of anxiety and rumination, the ugly little voice telling me I'll never be beautiful. I'm tired, for sure. Exhausted. All the time. But I'm not tired enough to give in to it again just yet.

On another note, I've done a lot since the last entry. I've been running and training when I can, upping my kms, competing and getting stronger. I've been bouldering a few times and it's a lot of fun. I've gone out with friends, seen outdoor theatre, tried new places and stayed out past midnight for the first time. Taken public transport by myself. Kept my living space pretty clean. I wake up every morning and tend to my plants, aquarium and cat. All of which are flourishing. (I have 4 saddled shrimp and one berried girl atm. I'm also germinating avocado seeds :) ) I continued my course part-time 2 weeks ago and am keeping up with the work. And hey, I've even gotten better at Valorant! (I'm a Sage main but working on upping my Skye usage.)

Also, tomorrow is 2 years with Erutepa. We met thanks to this forum, and he's the best thing that's ever happened to me. We're going out for a movie and dinner on Saturday to celebrate.

There are good things. Good people. Good fun to be had. I am not where I thought I'd be but our lives are all to be lived with the expectation that plans are just that - plans. Not certainties. Wishing things are different is ignoring all the things to love. And that's what I've been trying to tell the side of myself that is determined to break me. I'm not weak. I'm loved just as much as I love those around me.

Breathing is easier now.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on March 05, 2021, 02:22:37 pm
Beyond proud of you <3 always will be xx
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: turinturambar on March 05, 2021, 10:21:17 pm
I'm a big fan of the idea that, to be meaningful, achievements only have to be meaningful to you.  Comparing with others, or for that matter with some ideal version of you, can sometimes be helpful in deciding things to try next - but it can also overshadow the things that you actually have achieved.  Whether it's overcoming your fears, or trying something new, or getting better at something you already do, or just living life: It doesn't matter what others think, but that it's meaningful to you.

Your achievements do sound meaningful to me.  So well done :)  But more importantly, it sounds like they are meaningful to you, and that's great.

Quote
Also, tomorrow is 2 years with Erutepa. We met thanks to this forum, and he's the best thing that's ever happened to me. We're going out for a movie and dinner on Saturday to celebrate.

Congratulations.  Enjoy :)  I wish you both all the best.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on June 13, 2021, 07:54:27 pm
Hey guys.

I have some news.

So, I've been chronically ill for a while now. 3, almost 4 years? Anyway. It's pain that I've been dealing with for a long time. Dismissal from doctors. Denial. Anger and frustration, depression and contempt that I've had for myself, because there have been so many times where this hurt has refused to let me do what I want to.

I've felt useless for a long, long while. This thing has shattered my self-confidence, and my motivation. My faith in the medical professionals meant to help me.

But guess what?

I got a diagnosis.

Finally. After all this time, it turns out I have a gastrointestinal bacterial infection. It is called H. Pylori, and in serious cases (like mine) it causes ulcers in the stomach and duodenum, and can also damage the upper intestines.
It's not "just anxiety". It's not anaemia. It's not anything I've done wrong. It just is.

It's so validating to me now to know that I wasn't just imagining things for years. There's a reason I spend so many nights writhing in pain, vomiting, exhausted. A reason I have "untreatable" iron anaemia. A reason for the vertigo. A reason for the uncontrollable shaking.
I've had bleeding wounds in my gut for years. Something the doctors somehow never noticed. But I'm finally being seen. And I've started treatment! 2 weeks of antibiotics that make my brain foggy and my body hurt.

Something that a lot of people don't recognise is the prejudice against people with mental health conditions in the medical system. I was dismissed so many times; because I'm a young woman, sure - but also because when a doctor looks at my record, all they see is the physical manifestation of anxiety.
I'm genuinely lucky that it didn't get worse. And I'm happy for that. But I want to bring attention to the fact that, by dismissing the ill physical health of someone with ill mental health, you're not only risking their wellbeing in both senses - you're also removing the choices a normal person would be given without hesitation.

Anyway.
I'm looking forward to seeing myself pain-free for the first time in my adult life. I'm excited to see where I will go. How liberated I will feel.
For the first time, I know an end is coming. And it's one of the best feelings I've ever known.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: sweetiepi on June 13, 2021, 08:52:20 pm
Hey guys.

I have some news.

So, I've been chronically ill for a while now. 3, almost 4 years? Anyway. It's pain that I've been dealing with for a long time. Dismissal from doctors. Denial. Anger and frustration, depression and contempt that I've had for myself, because there have been so many times where this hurt has refused to let me do what I want to.

I've felt useless for a long, long while. This thing has shattered my self-confidence, and my motivation. My faith in the medical professionals meant to help me.

But guess what?

I got a diagnosis.

Finally. After all this time, it turns out I have a gastrointestinal bacterial infection. It is called H. Pylori, and in serious cases (like mine) it causes ulcers in the stomach and duodenum, and can also damage the upper intestines.
It's not "just anxiety". It's not anaemia. It's not anything I've done wrong. It just is.

It's so validating to me now to know that I wasn't just imagining things for years. There's a reason I spend so many nights writhing in pain, vomiting, exhausted. A reason I have "untreatable" iron anaemia. A reason for the vertigo. A reason for the uncontrollable shaking.
I've had bleeding wounds in my gut for years. Something the doctors somehow never noticed. But I'm finally being seen. And I've started treatment! 2 weeks of antibiotics that make my brain foggy and my body hurt.

Something that a lot of people don't recognise is the prejudice against people with mental health conditions in the medical system. I was dismissed so many times; because I'm a young woman, sure - but also because when a doctor looks at my record, all they see is the physical manifestation of anxiety.
I'm genuinely lucky that it didn't get worse. And I'm happy for that. But I want to bring attention to the fact that, by dismissing the ill physical health of someone with ill mental health, you're not only risking their wellbeing in both senses - you're also removing the choices a normal person would be given without hesitation.

Anyway.
I'm looking forward to seeing myself pain-free for the first time in my adult life. I'm excited to see where I will go. How liberated I will feel.
For the first time, I know an end is coming. And it's one of the best feelings I've ever known.
💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: AngelWings on June 14, 2021, 09:22:52 am
Hey guys.

I have some news.

So, I've been chronically ill for a while now. 3, almost 4 years? Anyway. It's pain that I've been dealing with for a long time. Dismissal from doctors. Denial. Anger and frustration, depression and contempt that I've had for myself, because there have been so many times where this hurt has refused to let me do what I want to.

I've felt useless for a long, long while. This thing has shattered my self-confidence, and my motivation. My faith in the medical professionals meant to help me.

But guess what?

I got a diagnosis.

Finally. After all this time, it turns out I have a gastrointestinal bacterial infection. It is called H. Pylori, and in serious cases (like mine) it causes ulcers in the stomach and duodenum, and can also damage the upper intestines.
It's not "just anxiety". It's not anaemia. It's not anything I've done wrong. It just is.

It's so validating to me now to know that I wasn't just imagining things for years. There's a reason I spend so many nights writhing in pain, vomiting, exhausted. A reason I have "untreatable" iron anaemia. A reason for the vertigo. A reason for the uncontrollable shaking.
I've had bleeding wounds in my gut for years. Something the doctors somehow never noticed. But I'm finally being seen. And I've started treatment! 2 weeks of antibiotics that make my brain foggy and my body hurt.

Something that a lot of people don't recognise is the prejudice against people with mental health conditions in the medical system. I was dismissed so many times; because I'm a young woman, sure - but also because when a doctor looks at my record, all they see is the physical manifestation of anxiety.
I'm genuinely lucky that it didn't get worse. And I'm happy for that. But I want to bring attention to the fact that, by dismissing the ill physical health of someone with ill mental health, you're not only risking their wellbeing in both senses - you're also removing the choices a normal person would be given without hesitation.

Anyway.
I'm looking forward to seeing myself pain-free for the first time in my adult life. I'm excited to see where I will go. How liberated I will feel.
For the first time, I know an end is coming. And it's one of the best feelings I've ever known.
It’s amazing you finally got a proper diagnosis, Poet! 💙 Must be a massive relief. (Maybe not so much now with the antibiotics but once the course is over, hopefully it’ll be much happier days.)

Fun fact
Fun fact: There’s a bit of a gross and unethical story in H. pylori’s history. Two Perth scientists finally showed that its infection is a potential cause of stomach ulcers, where one drank a culture of the H. pylori and got very ill to prove it. They got a Nobel Prize for it, so I guess it was worth it?
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on June 14, 2021, 12:21:07 pm
It’s amazing you finally got a proper diagnosis, Poet! 💙 Must be a massive relief. (Maybe not so much now with the antibiotics but once the course is over, hopefully it’ll be much happier days.)

Fun fact
Fun fact: There’s a bit of a gross and unethical story in H. pylori’s history. Two Perth scientists finally showed that its infection is a potential cause of stomach ulcers, where one drank a culture of the H. pylori and got very ill to prove it. They got a Nobel Prize for it, so I guess it was worth it?
Thank you!! Right now it doesn't feel too good, but I know that when I finish this course I'll be so much better. It's hard to type at the moment because I'm shaking a lot. My body is still fighting.

I have heard that before! Honestly, the insanity of self-inflicted symptoms like the ones I've had is almost funny. But in the end, it brought together some really useful research that ultimately is the reason I can now move on with life. So, props to the crazy scientists!

💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙
🐸💙💙💙
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: turinturambar on June 14, 2021, 06:45:34 pm
Anyway.
I'm looking forward to seeing myself pain-free for the first time in my adult life. I'm excited to see where I will go. How liberated I will feel.
For the first time, I know an end is coming. And it's one of the best feelings I've ever known.

That's great news, Poet!  Hope that things go really well for you post-treatment.
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: Poet on July 15, 2021, 05:01:59 pm
Good evening, my loves. I hope all is well.

Another update is in order, I think.
It just hit me that I've been writing here for 3 and a half years(?!?!?!???!) Bruh. I cringe so hard at some of the stuff earlier in this thread. But then again, it documents my growth in its purest form - so I guess it's a good thing. It does make me wonder WHY some of y'all decided to become my best friends. Am I not annoying to you??

So, what's new?

Last night I completed my first work shift in over one and a half years. It was a night shift from 11pm-4am working in a bakery prepping and packing orders for Victorian panic bread buyers. Yup. People panic buy bread. Not sure why. How much space do they have in their freezers??? But it made the night busy and threw me into the deep end, which is where I work best. Initially I was afraid that I would panic and become unable to function - I didn't have any initial training, and got lost at least twice trying to find extra bags. But when the job is physical and fairly intuitive, I can get into it easily and the hours go by like minutes. I think the hardest thing was slogging through the last hour which consisted of cleaning and stacking shelves with the breads and pastries I had baked earlier in the night for packing and delivery. And that's only because my feet were sore from standing for 5 hours!

My next shift in is to be on Monday from 7pm-10pm working with seafood. I'm less excited as it'll be cold and smell not nearly as nice as the bakery, but it's more experience for me to broaden my scope of knowledge again.

I hated school as a kinaesthetic learner. I also hated office work. But this? This is my jam. This is good. I can touch things and make money. Printing labels and stacking trays especially are my faves. Go team! Label machine go BRRR

Anyway. I'm tired, but nowhere near as badly as I would have been 6 weeks ago. I've thrown up exactly once this month, and that was from food poisoning so it doesn't count. The downside to increased energy is the relative anxiety symptoms - but I also have increased awareness to mitigate those effects. So yeah. I have a real, actual, bonafide job now. I feel so much better.
And I'm off my meds too haha don't tell my mom hahah

TL;DR - Post-treatment has only gone up. Catch you later, pals <3
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: The Cat In The Hat on July 15, 2021, 06:11:38 pm
Good evening, my loves. I hope all is well.

Another update is in order, I think.
It just hit me that I've been writing here for 3 and a half years(?!?!?!???!) Bruh. I cringe so hard at some of the stuff earlier in this thread. But then again, it documents my growth in its purest form - so I guess it's a good thing. It does make me wonder WHY some of y'all decided to become my best friends. Am I not annoying to you??

So, what's new?

Last night I completed my first work shift in over one and a half years. It was a night shift from 11pm-4am working in a bakery prepping and packing orders for Victorian panic bread buyers. Yup. People panic buy bread. Not sure why. How much space do they have in their freezers??? But it made the night busy and threw me into the deep end, which is where I work best. Initially I was afraid that I would panic and become unable to function - I didn't have any initial training, and got lost at least twice trying to find extra bags. But when the job is physical and fairly intuitive, I can get into it easily and the hours go by like minutes. I think the hardest thing was slogging through the last hour which consisted of cleaning and stacking shelves with the breads and pastries I had baked earlier in the night for packing and delivery. And that's only because my feet were sore from standing for 5 hours!

My next shift in is to be on Monday from 7pm-10pm working with seafood. I'm less excited as it'll be cold and smell not nearly as nice as the bakery, but it's more experience for me to broaden my scope of knowledge again.

I hated school as a kinaesthetic learner. I also hated office work. But this? This is my jam. This is good. I can touch things and make money. Printing labels and stacking trays especially are my faves. Go team! Label machine go BRRR

Anyway. I'm tired, but nowhere near as badly as I would have been 6 weeks ago. I've thrown up exactly once this month, and that was from food poisoning so it doesn't count. The downside to increased energy is the relative anxiety symptoms - but I also have increased awareness to mitigate those effects. So yeah. I have a real, actual, bonafide job now. I feel so much better.
And I'm off my meds too haha don't tell my mom hahah

TL;DR - Post-treatment has only gone up. Catch you later, pals <3
This is great! Hope it keeps going up. :)
Title: Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
Post by: turinturambar on July 15, 2021, 10:17:00 pm
Am I not annoying to you??

No.

Quote
TL;DR - Post-treatment has only gone up. Catch you later, pals <3

That's great :)