Free AOS essay Marking!

[jamonwindeyer]

Thanks for looking at the essay for me.

I just want to ask quickly about including the technique in the first sentence. I find when I do this with quotes that aren't super short the sentence carries on for 45-50 words.

I think the best approach is to include the technique and quote in the same sentence unless absolutely necessary - Because as you say, dividing feels very awkward. Using shorter quotes can help here, like, you don't need that whole quote to demonstrate the use of high modality. Further, if you do need to divide the sentence, it makes more sense to keep the technique and quote together, then in the next sentence explain the effect. To me that is a more natural split

[pikachu975]

Hi! Just wondering if I could get feedback on these notes (basically an essay in dot point form). The main concern is the related since I basically forced my mod C related in:

Spoiler

New Understandings
Discoveries about one’s surroundings can lead to new understandings as their previous perspectives are challenged.

This is emphasised as Guevara’s plan to journey Latin America results in a realisation of the harsh landscape.

• “distant countries, heroic deeds and beautiful women spun around and around in our turbulent imaginations”

- The vivid imagery details his initial idealistic vision of his journey.

• Despite his idealised planning, Guevara is confronted with the “sulphur mines in the mountains where the climate is so bad and the living conditions so hard”.

- The stifling connotations joined with conjunction - “and”, bring together the unforgiving climate and inhumane living conditions.
- Causes audiences to empathise with Guevara’s unexpected observation of the unrelenting environment.

• “the lives of the poor … who die miserably in one of the thousand traps set by nature”

- Personification of nature reveals Guevara’s new understanding of humanity’s struggle against powerful natural forces, changed from his idealistic vision of the land.
 

Comparatively, Mathorne meticulously depicts the notion of nonconformity, as the audience discovers the chaotic consequences of the Tramp’s disillusionment and society is instilled with tremendous fear.

• The priest’s high modality command, “submit to the Lord” and high angle

- Provides to the audience an initial view of the powerful priest controlling society and the Tramp’s beliefs, but he is disenfranchised as he retorts, “Why don’t you try it?”

• “The undertaker’s coming”

- Followed by the shaking camera and fearful facial expressions
- The sudden and unexpected discovery of the Undertaker coming to the town causes immense fear in individuals and disruption of social stability.

• Society hiding in their barricaded houses

- Symbolism joined with non-diegetic sound of paranormal whispers, anxious tones and petrified facial expressions.
- Portrays the profound fear discovered by the residents and causes audiences to understand the chaos caused by the disillusioned Tramp.


Transformation
The complex process of discovery can be confronting and provocative for individuals as they make emotional discoveries about individuals and society.

Such is true of Guevara’s travelogue as he is emotionally confronted with the struggle of the proletariat within Latin America, sparking his new Marxist values.

• “We had been knights of the road; we belonged to the long-standing wandering aristocracy”

- The metaphor reveals their perspective of themselves; that they are of higher status and royal compared to the impoverished.

• One of Guevara’s first findings is the communist “couple, numb with cold”, “had not one single miserable blanket to cover themselves with” and “carried a mysterious tragic air”

- Emotive language appeals to audience's pathos, causing them to empathise with his provocative realisation of “the profound tragedy circumscribing the life of the proletariat the world over”.

• His realisation is seen as, if humanity is cleaved “into two antagonistic halves, I will be with the people”

- Showcases how confronting and emotionally meaningful the discovery of poverty is as it sparks his “other, definitive vocation”.
- The hyperbole reveals the extent to which he will pursue equality and justice as his worldview has been significantly altered.


On the other hand, Mathorne’s animation depicts the employment of religious power to control society. However, power is a construct shaped by the flaws of human intellect and hence, both the audience and Backwater residents are emotionally confronted as they discover the priest’s malicious intent.

• Lack of emotion of residents, gloomy colours, and zombie-like movement towards the church

- Responders make a confronting discovery, through the stark illustration of the lack of meaning and purpose of society, that the residents mindlessly follow the priest’s commands.

• This is juxtaposed by society showing emotion as Bubba says “Father, you have brought this upon us”

- The aggravated tone and ghoulish white eyes convey the initial transformation of society towards murderous savages, arising from the realisation of the priest’s lies and deceit.
- The audience realises the utter chaos brought about by the priest’s manipulation through emotionally moving images of chaotic screaming and gory, violent scenes of decapitations and murders.

• Transition to bright colours of the town after everyone has murdered each other

- Combined with the positive symbolism of the rainbow and melodic whistling of the Undertaker.
- Contrasts the earlier darkness shrouding the town.
- Illustrates the emotional discovery of audiences as they are confronted with the shift from graphic scenes to the joyous atmosphere of the town.

Thanks!

[jamonwindeyer]

Hello! Would appreciate feedback for this essay:

Sure thing! Feedback in bold

Spoiler

Individuals are able to reform perspectives about themselves and others through accepting and questioning self-discoveries which prompt far-reaching and transformative impacts. Good Thesis, should be easily adaptable to a range of questions! These newly formed perspectives allow individuals to embrace pivotal moments in their lives, and by extension any far-reaching implications drawn by such moments. The confronting, yet far-reaching ramifications of such discoveries are explored in Rosemary Dobson Collected, in particular “Young Girl at a Window” and “Painter of Antwerp”, and Isaac Lidsky’s TEDTalk What reality are you creating for yourself?. Both texts address the emotional discoveries and impacts experienced by the personas as they strive, to differing extents, to change notions of themselves. A solid introduction - I'd expect you to tweak it to respond to the question in front of you, adding more detail if necessary, but in terms of a generic introduction I think it works well. You might also wish to lay out your paragraph arguments somewhere!

Reluctance and apprehension can prevent individuals from engaging in transformative experiences and learning fundamental aspects of life, and while the impact of these may be great, their extent can vary in terms of change.  Good concept, though I think you could simplify the two latter phrases to one. Just" which can vary in their impact," or something would work. Rosemary Dobson’s poem Young Girl at a Window delves into the thought process of a child whose shifting perspectives on her transition into adulthood force her to consider the inevitability of change in her life. This inevitability is established in the opening line, ‘Lift your hand to the window latch’, where an imperative tone is employed to demonstrate the demands of maturation and the emotional and intellectual challenges adulthood imposes. Excellent analysis, though I don't think the quote is the best example of the technique you say it is. Further substantiating the idea of personal growth, the “window” which the girl looks through is symbolic of the threshold between child and adulthood, and the many opportunities between. The fact that the child ‘turns and moves away’ captures her apprehension in moving forward. Be careful you aren't relying on the plot points/actions of the characters too much in establishing your concepts. The grim depiction of maturing is portrayed through the subject’s negative response in first perceiving the discovery, as shown in ‘Since Time was killed and now lies dead’. This graphic, war imagery exaggerates the emotional and mental battle occurring within the girl’s cognitive, capturing the aggressiveness of the challenging transition into adulthood, which she holds with great reluctance and fear to directly face. That was a slightly confusing bit of analysis - This is common when you put the technique in a different sentence to the quote, wherever possible try to put them together! The capitalisation of the ‘t’ in ‘Time’ emphasises its importance and inevitability as a factor in her transition into adulthood. The short sudden sentence and hopeful tone in ‘Or Time was lost’, however, captures a gradual change in heart as the girl begins to embrace her process of maturing. Be sure to link these conceptual ideas to the audience, go beyond what the techniques reveal about the characters. This quick sentence contrasts the rest of the poem, putting clear emphasis that the girl discovers that the inevitable does not have to be bad. Dissimilarly, in Painter, the protagonist’s discomfort in unfamiliar territory causes him to not embrace change, but appreciate what he already has. Slipped a bit into retell here. This is enforced through the ambivalent descriptions capturing Breughel’s feelings towards Italian art, such as ‘odd adventures … full of queer notions’, where the concepts presented by such art are incomprehensible due to their grandeur and unrealistic nature in comparison to his much more earthly art. The hesitant tone throughout portrays Breughel’s discomfort with the extravagant fantasies presented by Renaissance art, but this contrasts with the supposed grand imagery of ‘souring wings’, where he acknowledges the beauty of the mundane. Be sure your paragraphs have a proper conclusion summarising the ideas you have presented therein, and linking to the question!!

Creative and intellectual discoveries evoked by curiosity become more meaningful if individuals can draw on the experiences and discoveries of others to renew and bolster their personal perspectives on life’s true purpose. Dobson’s ekphrastic poem, Painter of Antwerp, based off the painting “Landscape with the Fall of Icarus”, captures both the fulfilling and uninspiring consequences of making discoveries. Ordinary figures such as the ‘ploughman, fisherman, and moon-faced shepherd’ are ironically characterised to be of greater importance than the supposed grandeur of the Italian renaissance – especially Icarus: ‘Icarus sprawling, two feet out of the sea’. What does this characterisation achieve in terms of Discovery? This condescending tone and characterisation of a well-known mythical figure focusses on his fatal, human flaw of hubris, conveying him as uninspiring. Good on what it reveals about character, what about Discovery more broadly? You should try to do this immediately, rather than the link you do in the next sentence. His mistake, however, is a valuable learning lesson for Breughel, and the responder – who transform their perspectives about a meaningful existence. The appreciation of beauty in the ordinary is a key aspect of the poem. As Breughel returns after making a physical discovery – about the Renaissance art in Italy – the repetition of the imperative ‘Plod homeward Breughel’ consolidates the ‘[rejection of] the fanciful’. We've slipped into retell there, see how you've identified what was happening in the text around the quote? Instead of changing his artistic style into an unknown, sophisticated form, he chooses to continue with the art of the natural world – his original works, as referred to in the symbolism and liminal space of ‘At the top of the Alps … looked backwards’. Retell. Thus, Breughel is faced with an intellectual and creative rediscovery about the beauty of simplicity, one that he has a deeper appreciation for after the uninspiring discovery of Renaissance Italy. As such, the speaker and audience can draw on the experiences of Breughel, incorporating his experiences into their lives as a metaphor for the appreciation of the human experience, rather than the superficial values placed onto us by society. Good job bringing it back to the audience, but it would be BETTER to just get straight here, not have to use the character as a vehicle for the concept. Like, the audience should be brought in all the time, not just at the end. The symbolism of the ‘great plumed hat’ refers to the social and economic hierarchy imposed by society, yet Breughel’s choice to distance himself from this captures his discovery that humanity should remain true to themselves. Self-reflection and curiosity are similarly shown as fundamental aspects in making a healthy discovery. In What reality?, Lidsky’s speech acts as a catalyst for self-discoveries within the immediate and extended audience, who learn from the experiences of others. This is true to Lidsky’s intent, as an imperative tone is used to instruct the audience on how to ‘live their eyes wide open’, encouraging them to “see beyond [their] fears”. Bringing the related in at the end here feels very forced, it feels like an afterthought. I'd ditch this and just focus on the paragraph at the end, OR work on achieving a more even split in each paragraph.

When confronted with limits, individuals must re-evaluate previously held notions of themselves and consider changing in order to progress in an alternative way. In doing so, the very challenge they once felt entirely disinclined to complete becomes a fuel for one of the most transformative catalytic events in their lives. Really like this concept. Isaac Lidsky’s TEDTalk What reality? explores the obstacles associated with a limitation such as blindness, and the impact of this on his journey of self-discovery. By referring to his experience of being a blind entrepreneur, Lidsky can transmit his motif to the audience: ‘Going blind taught me to live my life eyes wide open’. This, a seemingly paradoxical proposition, encapsulates the notion of allowing such limitations to empower those affected intellectually and emotionally – if one is open to rediscovery. Good. When Lidsky first receives news of his diagnosis, his fear of the physical discovery is incorporated through the hyperbole: ‘Blindness was a death sentence for my independence’. This captures fear as a prominent factor which clouds much of how individuals envision their lives to be – all or nothing. This is the structure to use if you can't get everything in one sentence, technique and quote in one then explanation in the other. This contrasts with the transformation of his perception in ‘Going blind taught me to live my life eyes wide open’ where his limitation no longer is a hindrance and instead has enhanced mental growth and maturation into a more wholesome person. Technique here? The extent of Lidsky’s blindness is realised through the use of cumulative listing, wherein ‘The salesperson … was really a mannequin…. wash[ing] my hands, I saw it was a urinal’, his ineptitude at simple everyday tasks is highlighted. Be careful we aren't turning this into a retell of the speakers circumstances - In saying that, you could also explore how the audience responds to this listing? Is it shock? Empathy? Hence, an antithesis is formed, illustrating that despite the severity of the limitation, an individual should not form destructive assumptions about reality – these instead should be transformed into a positive experience.  This “blessing in disguise” enables Lidsky to eliminate the ‘complex mental construction’ created by sight, allowing him to undergo an intellectual discovery and continue with his entrepreneurship in a way he had never done before. He does not let his disability distort his way of life – but rather – he transforms and enhances his very being in a surprising, positive way. We're heavily focused on the speaker here; remember the purpose isn't to analyse what we learn about the speaker, but what we learn about Discovery through the speakers use of rhetoric. Slightly too 'text focused,' except now it is 'speaker focused.'

I think this is a strong essay! Good concepts that should bend nicely to suit most questions, and a great selection of textual evidence and analysis. Make sure you are linking these techniques to concepts, not just to what we learn about the characters (you did this a lot in your last paragraph, we don't care so much about the speaker, we want Discovery concepts) - Remember, characters are just puppets.

Structurally, you also have probably shifted too far towards your prescribed - Shortening every paragraph to add room for a second paragraph on your related could be beneficial?

Besides that, my comments throughout should cover my thoughts - Good stuff Winston

[winstondarmawan]

Sure thing! Feedback in bold

Spoiler

Individuals are able to reform perspectives about themselves and others through accepting and questioning self-discoveries which prompt far-reaching and transformative impacts. Good Thesis, should be easily adaptable to a range of questions! These newly formed perspectives allow individuals to embrace pivotal moments in their lives, and by extension any far-reaching implications drawn by such moments. The confronting, yet far-reaching ramifications of such discoveries are explored in Rosemary Dobson Collected, in particular “Young Girl at a Window” and “Painter of Antwerp”, and Isaac Lidsky’s TEDTalk What reality are you creating for yourself?. Both texts address the emotional discoveries and impacts experienced by the personas as they strive, to differing extents, to change notions of themselves. A solid introduction - I'd expect you to tweak it to respond to the question in front of you, adding more detail if necessary, but in terms of a generic introduction I think it works well. You might also wish to lay out your paragraph arguments somewhere!

Reluctance and apprehension can prevent individuals from engaging in transformative experiences and learning fundamental aspects of life, and while the impact of these may be great, their extent can vary in terms of change.  Good concept, though I think you could simplify the two latter phrases to one. Just" which can vary in their impact," or something would work. Rosemary Dobson’s poem Young Girl at a Window delves into the thought process of a child whose shifting perspectives on her transition into adulthood force her to consider the inevitability of change in her life. This inevitability is established in the opening line, ‘Lift your hand to the window latch’, where an imperative tone is employed to demonstrate the demands of maturation and the emotional and intellectual challenges adulthood imposes. Excellent analysis, though I don't think the quote is the best example of the technique you say it is. Further substantiating the idea of personal growth, the “window” which the girl looks through is symbolic of the threshold between child and adulthood, and the many opportunities between. The fact that the child ‘turns and moves away’ captures her apprehension in moving forward. Be careful you aren't relying on the plot points/actions of the characters too much in establishing your concepts. The grim depiction of maturing is portrayed through the subject’s negative response in first perceiving the discovery, as shown in ‘Since Time was killed and now lies dead’. This graphic, war imagery exaggerates the emotional and mental battle occurring within the girl’s cognitive, capturing the aggressiveness of the challenging transition into adulthood, which she holds with great reluctance and fear to directly face. That was a slightly confusing bit of analysis - This is common when you put the technique in a different sentence to the quote, wherever possible try to put them together! The capitalisation of the ‘t’ in ‘Time’ emphasises its importance and inevitability as a factor in her transition into adulthood. The short sudden sentence and hopeful tone in ‘Or Time was lost’, however, captures a gradual change in heart as the girl begins to embrace her process of maturing. Be sure to link these conceptual ideas to the audience, go beyond what the techniques reveal about the characters. This quick sentence contrasts the rest of the poem, putting clear emphasis that the girl discovers that the inevitable does not have to be bad. Dissimilarly, in Painter, the protagonist’s discomfort in unfamiliar territory causes him to not embrace change, but appreciate what he already has. Slipped a bit into retell here. This is enforced through the ambivalent descriptions capturing Breughel’s feelings towards Italian art, such as ‘odd adventures … full of queer notions’, where the concepts presented by such art are incomprehensible due to their grandeur and unrealistic nature in comparison to his much more earthly art. The hesitant tone throughout portrays Breughel’s discomfort with the extravagant fantasies presented by Renaissance art, but this contrasts with the supposed grand imagery of ‘souring wings’, where he acknowledges the beauty of the mundane. Be sure your paragraphs have a proper conclusion summarising the ideas you have presented therein, and linking to the question!!

Creative and intellectual discoveries evoked by curiosity become more meaningful if individuals can draw on the experiences and discoveries of others to renew and bolster their personal perspectives on life’s true purpose. Dobson’s ekphrastic poem, Painter of Antwerp, based off the painting “Landscape with the Fall of Icarus”, captures both the fulfilling and uninspiring consequences of making discoveries. Ordinary figures such as the ‘ploughman, fisherman, and moon-faced shepherd’ are ironically characterised to be of greater importance than the supposed grandeur of the Italian renaissance – especially Icarus: ‘Icarus sprawling, two feet out of the sea’. What does this characterisation achieve in terms of Discovery? This condescending tone and characterisation of a well-known mythical figure focusses on his fatal, human flaw of hubris, conveying him as uninspiring. Good on what it reveals about character, what about Discovery more broadly? You should try to do this immediately, rather than the link you do in the next sentence. His mistake, however, is a valuable learning lesson for Breughel, and the responder – who transform their perspectives about a meaningful existence. The appreciation of beauty in the ordinary is a key aspect of the poem. As Breughel returns after making a physical discovery – about the Renaissance art in Italy – the repetition of the imperative ‘Plod homeward Breughel’ consolidates the ‘[rejection of] the fanciful’. We've slipped into retell there, see how you've identified what was happening in the text around the quote? Instead of changing his artistic style into an unknown, sophisticated form, he chooses to continue with the art of the natural world – his original works, as referred to in the symbolism and liminal space of ‘At the top of the Alps … looked backwards’. Retell. Thus, Breughel is faced with an intellectual and creative rediscovery about the beauty of simplicity, one that he has a deeper appreciation for after the uninspiring discovery of Renaissance Italy. As such, the speaker and audience can draw on the experiences of Breughel, incorporating his experiences into their lives as a metaphor for the appreciation of the human experience, rather than the superficial values placed onto us by society. Good job bringing it back to the audience, but it would be BETTER to just get straight here, not have to use the character as a vehicle for the concept. Like, the audience should be brought in all the time, not just at the end. The symbolism of the ‘great plumed hat’ refers to the social and economic hierarchy imposed by society, yet Breughel’s choice to distance himself from this captures his discovery that humanity should remain true to themselves. Self-reflection and curiosity are similarly shown as fundamental aspects in making a healthy discovery. In What reality?, Lidsky’s speech acts as a catalyst for self-discoveries within the immediate and extended audience, who learn from the experiences of others. This is true to Lidsky’s intent, as an imperative tone is used to instruct the audience on how to ‘live their eyes wide open’, encouraging them to “see beyond [their] fears”. Bringing the related in at the end here feels very forced, it feels like an afterthought. I'd ditch this and just focus on the paragraph at the end, OR work on achieving a more even split in each paragraph.

When confronted with limits, individuals must re-evaluate previously held notions of themselves and consider changing in order to progress in an alternative way. In doing so, the very challenge they once felt entirely disinclined to complete becomes a fuel for one of the most transformative catalytic events in their lives. Really like this concept. Isaac Lidsky’s TEDTalk What reality? explores the obstacles associated with a limitation such as blindness, and the impact of this on his journey of self-discovery. By referring to his experience of being a blind entrepreneur, Lidsky can transmit his motif to the audience: ‘Going blind taught me to live my life eyes wide open’. This, a seemingly paradoxical proposition, encapsulates the notion of allowing such limitations to empower those affected intellectually and emotionally – if one is open to rediscovery. Good. When Lidsky first receives news of his diagnosis, his fear of the physical discovery is incorporated through the hyperbole: ‘Blindness was a death sentence for my independence’. This captures fear as a prominent factor which clouds much of how individuals envision their lives to be – all or nothing. This is the structure to use if you can't get everything in one sentence, technique and quote in one then explanation in the other. This contrasts with the transformation of his perception in ‘Going blind taught me to live my life eyes wide open’ where his limitation no longer is a hindrance and instead has enhanced mental growth and maturation into a more wholesome person. Technique here? The extent of Lidsky’s blindness is realised through the use of cumulative listing, wherein ‘The salesperson … was really a mannequin…. wash[ing] my hands, I saw it was a urinal’, his ineptitude at simple everyday tasks is highlighted. Be careful we aren't turning this into a retell of the speakers circumstances - In saying that, you could also explore how the audience responds to this listing? Is it shock? Empathy? Hence, an antithesis is formed, illustrating that despite the severity of the limitation, an individual should not form destructive assumptions about reality – these instead should be transformed into a positive experience.  This “blessing in disguise” enables Lidsky to eliminate the ‘complex mental construction’ created by sight, allowing him to undergo an intellectual discovery and continue with his entrepreneurship in a way he had never done before. He does not let his disability distort his way of life – but rather – he transforms and enhances his very being in a surprising, positive way. We're heavily focused on the speaker here; remember the purpose isn't to analyse what we learn about the speaker, but what we learn about Discovery through the speakers use of rhetoric. Slightly too 'text focused,' except now it is 'speaker focused.'

I think this is a strong essay! Good concepts that should bend nicely to suit most questions, and a great selection of textual evidence and analysis. Make sure you are linking these techniques to concepts, not just to what we learn about the characters (you did this a lot in your last paragraph, we don't care so much about the speaker, we want Discovery concepts) - Remember, characters are just puppets.

Structurally, you also have probably shifted too far towards your prescribed - Shortening every paragraph to add room for a second paragraph on your related could be beneficial?

Besides that, my comments throughout should cover my thoughts - Good stuff Winston

Thank you for the feedback!
In your opinion, should I abandon the integrated analysis structure for this essay? I think I have utilised it inefficiently and given the minimal analysis I have allowed for the texts I have integrated into the paragraph I don't think that a meaningful and/or substantiated link is evident.

[jamonwindeyer]

Thank you for the feedback!
In your opinion, should I abandon the integrated analysis structure for this essay? I think I have utilised it inefficiently and given the minimal analysis I have allowed for the texts I have integrated into the paragraph I don't think that a meaningful and/or substantiated link is evident.

I don't think swapping structures will add or subtract anything, so if you personally feel you can do a better job doing it in a block style, then go for it. Very much your call - I think you can definitely work with your integrated version though

[HSCNewcastle2017]

Hey

Would really appreciate some feedback. Only got 7/15 in my trial however due to time constraints I didn't manage to include as much detail.

The question asks “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes”

Thanks in advance.

Spoiler

This metaphor by Marcel Proust invites the responder to explore new horizons with the message that the real voyage of discovery is exploring individuals’ inner space, by questioning hegemonic belief systems and by being mindful and paying attention to how individuals perceive themselves and the world. Individuals’ varying experiences uncovers the deepest truth and brings forth the best version of ourselves. The play ‘Away’ by Michael Gow successfully places his characters into life changing situations to force them to gain fresh perspectives on the world and those around them, in the Vietnam War era. Meanwhile, the memoir ’The Happiest Refugee’ by Anh Do explores the growth and change of a refugee and his own discovery and acceptance of his culture and how we can look at this with ‘’new’’ eyes.

It is through encounters with others and society that characters are transformed the most, both in attitudes and values. In the play ‘Away’, Gow effectively engages the audience in Coral’s journey through placing her into interactions with other characters that have had cleansing effect on her.  Coral’s heartfelt soliloquy reveals her isolation and confusion as a result of the death of her son. The repetition of the rhetorical question, “What angel wakes me from my flowery bed?” shows that she is not coping with her grief as a result of her son’s death. Tom reminds her of her lost son and becomes a mentor in her healing. In playlet ‘’The stranger on the Shore’’ Tom uses his only wish not to return to ‘’normal life’’, but to metaphorically help Coral to live. Coral’s hesitance to recover is conveyed through her dialogue, “I cannot walk I am afraid” which meets affirmative Tom’s “I’ll show you how”. Tom plays the role of metaphoric healer and encourages Coral’s catharsis and growth as a person. Further Coral’s transformation is conveyed through the use of mime. The symbolism of Coral’s holding handful of shells and letting them fall through her and sharing this moment with Roy conveys that the time away helped her to rediscover herself and to form deeper bond with others.  Through Coral’s character transformation, Gow shows the audience that self-growth can only come through interaction with others and change can only come through a willingness to change and accept the helping hand of others.

Through experiences with the world we discover our true place of understanding, the place we feel most comfortable. Within ‘Away’, the significance of this realisation is demonstrated through Gwen’s character. At the beginning of the play, Gwen is represented as a miserable judgemental woman conveyed through an angry outburst when her set of keys have gone missing, “I have not got them. There! Are they there? Can you see a set of keys? Can anyone see a set of keys?’’. Keys are a symbol of direction searching for meaning of her life, while her empty handbag is symbolic of her exposing her life and frustration. The sudden discovery of Gwen’s past, “You’ll never know what we saw, never be without a home, never be afraid everything could fall apart any second” creates a message for the responder to develop empathy. The repetition of word ‘’never’’ conveys the hardship experienced by Gwen and the effect it has on her character.  Gwen’s judgemental attitude is challenged after her discovering Tom’s fate. Transformation takes place as she walks with Tom’s mother Vic in gesture of equality and solidarity. Water imagery symbolises moral cleansing, discovery that tolerance and respect for others are more valuable than material things. The repetitive inclusion of rhetorical questions as Gwen wonders ‘’what am I trying to say?” indicates the depth of transformation she has undergone. Through these examples, Gow is showing the audience the importance of self-reflection and the necessity of confronting issues in order to undergo a discovery.

Confrontations and relationships with others lead to new discoveries of self and the world. Anh’s character transforms from being a loving son who looks up to his father to a son prepared to assert himself in order to protect his mum from his father’s abusive behaviour, “If he lays a finger on mum, I will kill him. I took the largest kitchen knife I could find and stuck it under my bed.’’ As a result of the long time periods Anh spent watching his father’s alcohol abuse and the violence that had a detrimental effect on him, he made the shocking discovery that he is prepared to do anything it takes to protect his mother as he transitions into being the man of the household. The imagery of the largest kitchen knife conveys both the shocking factor of this self-discovery and the seriousness of his determination. It is by placing his character into conflicting situations with others that Do enables the audience to develop empathy and learn and discover something about themselves.

The development of one’s character is contributed to the experiences, emotions and changes that they have faced in the past. Anh’s heartfelt honesty in describing his raw and often unflattering emotions is both humbling and disarming. Anh’s struggle with lack of money and feeling of inadequacy due to being poor corrupts the depth of his love for his mum, “What surprised and even shocked me… was not Mum’s willingness to work. The fear of having no money was so merciless and so overwhelming’’. As the story unfolds, this shocking discovery led Anh to develop determination to succeed, “I took jobs that weren’t even comedy, but if it involves me getting up with the microphone, I was there”. By naming some of the unpopular and undesirable jobs Anh was taking on, Do conveys that his road to success was not straightforward, but having to endure detours and challenges that shaped his destiny for the better. Through the use of his character’s realisations and the way he deals with key issues in his life, Do makes the audience understand that although discoveries could be confronting and provocative, they are also necessary in order to progress through life in a positive way.

Individual perceptions are influenced by unhurried revealing of its characters.  The author masterfully uses narrative to describe his father, Tam Do as unfailingly brave and clever. Whether he puts himself into harm’s way by bravely using fake ID or when he bravely faces the pirates threatening to execute all his family, it appears that his bravery has no limits. However when questioned by Anh, he admits “If you really want to know the truth, I was shitting myself! All of those times shitting myself!”. Do uses repetition of the phrase ‘’shitting myself” as juxtaposition to his father’s assumed bravery. Through this revealing conversation between father and son, Do enables the audience to develop a new found understanding of his father’s character and see him in a new light, “In that moment my respect for this man went up tenfold” and encouraging them to accept and confront their own fears. In order to fully understand others, Do suggests that we first need to understand ourselves through our character.

We have been programmed to view the world with a set of assumptions, however we have the ability to connect the seemingly unconnected and blend an existing knowledge into new insight about some element of how the world works.  It is when we are challenged by difficult circumstances, such as in the play ‘Away’ or by viewing the world from different cultural perspectives, such as in the memoir “The Happiest Refugee”, that we are forced to reflect on our experiences and discover a new sense of perspective about our place in the world. Self-discovery involves introspection and learning about people, places, events and relationships that can challenge previous beliefs and attitudes, and we can do it in our own backyard. Just like Marcel Proust has wisely remarked “The real voyage of discovery consists not of seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes”.

[fantasticbeasts3]

Hey

Would really appreciate some feedback. Only got 7/15 in my trial however due to time constraints I didn't manage to include as much detail.

The question asks “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes”

Thanks in advance.

Spoiler

This metaphor by Marcel Proust invites the responder to explore new horizons with the message that the real voyage of discovery is exploring individuals’ inner space, by questioning hegemonic belief systems and by being mindful and paying attention to how individuals perceive themselves and the world. Individuals’ varying experiences uncovers the deepest truth and brings forth the best version of ourselves. The play ‘Away’ by Michael Gow successfully places his characters into life changing situations to force them to gain fresh perspectives on the world and those around them, in the Vietnam War era. Meanwhile, the memoir ’The Happiest Refugee’ by Anh Do explores the growth and change of a refugee and his own discovery and acceptance of his culture and how we can look at this with ‘’new’’ eyes.

It is through encounters with others and society that characters are transformed the most, both in attitudes and values. In the play ‘Away’, Gow effectively engages the audience in Coral’s journey through placing her into interactions with other characters that have had cleansing effect on her.  Coral’s heartfelt soliloquy reveals her isolation and confusion as a result of the death of her son. The repetition of the rhetorical question, “What angel wakes me from my flowery bed?” shows that she is not coping with her grief as a result of her son’s death. Tom reminds her of her lost son and becomes a mentor in her healing. In playlet ‘’The stranger on the Shore’’ Tom uses his only wish not to return to ‘’normal life’’, but to metaphorically help Coral to live. Coral’s hesitance to recover is conveyed through her dialogue, “I cannot walk I am afraid” which meets affirmative Tom’s “I’ll show you how”. Tom plays the role of metaphoric healer and encourages Coral’s catharsis and growth as a person. Further Coral’s transformation is conveyed through the use of mime. The symbolism of Coral’s holding handful of shells and letting them fall through her and sharing this moment with Roy conveys that the time away helped her to rediscover herself and to form deeper bond with others.  Through Coral’s character transformation, Gow shows the audience that self-growth can only come through interaction with others and change can only come through a willingness to change and accept the helping hand of others.

Through experiences with the world we discover our true place of understanding, the place we feel most comfortable. Within ‘Away’, the significance of this realisation is demonstrated through Gwen’s character. At the beginning of the play, Gwen is represented as a miserable judgemental woman conveyed through an angry outburst when her set of keys have gone missing, “I have not got them. There! Are they there? Can you see a set of keys? Can anyone see a set of keys?’’. Keys are a symbol of direction searching for meaning of her life, while her empty handbag is symbolic of her exposing her life and frustration. The sudden discovery of Gwen’s past, “You’ll never know what we saw, never be without a home, never be afraid everything could fall apart any second” creates a message for the responder to develop empathy. The repetition of word ‘’never’’ conveys the hardship experienced by Gwen and the effect it has on her character.  Gwen’s judgemental attitude is challenged after her discovering Tom’s fate. Transformation takes place as she walks with Tom’s mother Vic in gesture of equality and solidarity. Water imagery symbolises moral cleansing, discovery that tolerance and respect for others are more valuable than material things. The repetitive inclusion of rhetorical questions as Gwen wonders ‘’what am I trying to say?” indicates the depth of transformation she has undergone. Through these examples, Gow is showing the audience the importance of self-reflection and the necessity of confronting issues in order to undergo a discovery.

Confrontations and relationships with others lead to new discoveries of self and the world. Anh’s character transforms from being a loving son who looks up to his father to a son prepared to assert himself in order to protect his mum from his father’s abusive behaviour, “If he lays a finger on mum, I will kill him. I took the largest kitchen knife I could find and stuck it under my bed.’’ As a result of the long time periods Anh spent watching his father’s alcohol abuse and the violence that had a detrimental effect on him, he made the shocking discovery that he is prepared to do anything it takes to protect his mother as he transitions into being the man of the household. The imagery of the largest kitchen knife conveys both the shocking factor of this self-discovery and the seriousness of his determination. It is by placing his character into conflicting situations with others that Do enables the audience to develop empathy and learn and discover something about themselves.

The development of one’s character is contributed to the experiences, emotions and changes that they have faced in the past. Anh’s heartfelt honesty in describing his raw and often unflattering emotions is both humbling and disarming. Anh’s struggle with lack of money and feeling of inadequacy due to being poor corrupts the depth of his love for his mum, “What surprised and even shocked me… was not Mum’s willingness to work. The fear of having no money was so merciless and so overwhelming’’. As the story unfolds, this shocking discovery led Anh to develop determination to succeed, “I took jobs that weren’t even comedy, but if it involves me getting up with the microphone, I was there”. By naming some of the unpopular and undesirable jobs Anh was taking on, Do conveys that his road to success was not straightforward, but having to endure detours and challenges that shaped his destiny for the better. Through the use of his character’s realisations and the way he deals with key issues in his life, Do makes the audience understand that although discoveries could be confronting and provocative, they are also necessary in order to progress through life in a positive way.

Individual perceptions are influenced by unhurried revealing of its characters.  The author masterfully uses narrative to describe his father, Tam Do as unfailingly brave and clever. Whether he puts himself into harm’s way by bravely using fake ID or when he bravely faces the pirates threatening to execute all his family, it appears that his bravery has no limits. However when questioned by Anh, he admits “If you really want to know the truth, I was shitting myself! All of those times shitting myself!”. Do uses repetition of the phrase ‘’shitting myself” as juxtaposition to his father’s assumed bravery. Through this revealing conversation between father and son, Do enables the audience to develop a new found understanding of his father’s character and see him in a new light, “In that moment my respect for this man went up tenfold” and encouraging them to accept and confront their own fears. In order to fully understand others, Do suggests that we first need to understand ourselves through our character.

We have been programmed to view the world with a set of assumptions, however we have the ability to connect the seemingly unconnected and blend an existing knowledge into new insight about some element of how the world works.  It is when we are challenged by difficult circumstances, such as in the play ‘Away’ or by viewing the world from different cultural perspectives, such as in the memoir “The Happiest Refugee”, that we are forced to reflect on our experiences and discover a new sense of perspective about our place in the world. Self-discovery involves introspection and learning about people, places, events and relationships that can challenge previous beliefs and attitudes, and we can do it in our own backyard. Just like Marcel Proust has wisely remarked “The real voyage of discovery consists not of seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes”.

sorry, it's me again - just a heads up that it's 25 posts for work marked! in the meantime, another student may want to give you feedback, but to have your work marked by the markers here it's 25 posts :-)

[blasonduo]

Hello! I did not do well in AOS, and thought why not ask for advice ^_^

This is basically what I wrote in trials (fixed some spelling ) and it gave me a 10/15 in my trial paper, and I'd love for you to point out the weak arguments

How would I improve? Also, here is the question;

The process of discovery involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known.

How is this perspective on discovery explored in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?
 
Thanks!

Spoiler

Discoveries can reveal emotions or greedy desires that can destroy the integrity of the characters which transforms both the character’s and the audience’s outlook on the world. This can lead to  new values and ideas which can reflected upon by reconsidering past events. Through the film Life of Pi by Ang Lee and the poem “I wandered as lonely as a cloud” By william Wordsworth, we, the audience are also challenged with these new ideas which engage us to discover a deepened understanding of ourselves.

In “Life of Pi”, Discoveries can reveal emotions or greedy desires that can destroy the integrity of the characters which transforms both the character’s and the audience’s outlook on the world. Pi discovers a new identity of what was initially hidden in him, being his aggression and survival attributes “Hunger can change everything you ever thought you knew about yourself.” This shows how hunger is willing to consume Pi and reveals his new desperation for survival. This disguised allegory symbolizes Pi’s transition into beast, that reveals that Pi had to change his identity between man and beast in order to survive. Through this, we are able to compare these new attributes to Richard Parker, where we, the audience watch two contrasting worlds clash, a symbol of Pi’s contrasting thoughts which leaves an overall different identity and portrays Pi’s change into Richard Parker, which is driven by his hunger. “You’re seeing your own emotions reflected back in his eyes.” and the constant shots viewed from Richard Parker’s perspective allows the audience to attach emotionally and physically into this new world of Pi’s psychological conflict, and to sympathise with him. It is only when Pi’s integrity has been lost, does he realise the world he has been living in. “He brought the evil out in me, and I have to live with that” The metaphor and emotive tone with the close-up of Pi’s face supports and highlights the emotional distress Pi is facing. As Richard Parker leaves Pi’s life, the colours fade, compared to the first fish killed by Pi, resembles both purity and beauty being drawn out of life. The use of sparse colours with the absence of Richard Parker shows that even though Pi’s worst attributes were revealed by him, these attributes were required to stay alive but are no longer needed, a symbol of a part of Pi is being abandoned, yet forever lingering in his life shown through the close up of Pi sobbing. Through these change in emotions and desires, Pi is able to explore a different perception on himself and the world which draws us, the reader to explore this new personality.

Secondly, These new discoveries lead to new values, ideas or perspectives which can reflected upon about the future or by reconsidering past events. After Pi’s journey and losing an important aspect of his life, “The world lost its enchantment” The metaphor and vivid imagery explores Pi’s newfound independence and explores his new perspective on life; bland and miserable. Pi’s new discovery links to the abandonment of identity through the abandonment of Richard Parker. “I wept like a child, not because I was overwhelmed that having survived, I was weeping because richard parker left me so unceremoniously, it broke my heart.” The emotive tone exemplifies the impact of past experiences and how past discoveries can evoke emotional conflict while the personification of the broken heart further portrays Pi’s emotional conflict with his past experiences especially with his newfound self. From this, Pi is able to adapt to new values and to have a deepened understanding of himself and others, especially through others. “I never was able to thank my father, for all I learnt from him, to tell him without his lessons, I never would have survived.” The dialogue portrays a broken link in Pi’s past, and how reconsidering these events can spark new values and perspectives in his life. Through this, the audience is able to grasp the difficulties in certain discoveries and how a rediscovery has a transformative potential to the character.

Similarly, The title, “I wandered as lonely as a cloud”  uses both personification to portray emotionally the loneliness of the cloud to the author to express their perception and ideas on the world, he has the freedom to do whatever he wants, but is unable to discover his identity in the world. Through the discovery of place, the author is able to shape their understanding of life, which changes their emotional standing and outlook on life. “I saw a crowd, A host of golden daffodils; Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.” The personification of the daffodils dancing, gives an atmosphere of flow and rhythm, portraying them as majestic. The daffodils symbolise society as a whole, where the human-like nature explores the new outlook the author has, contrasting to their sense of loneliness and isolation to society portrayed at the beginning. “They stretched in never-ending line … Ten thousand saw I at a glance” The hyperbole communicates the newfound emotions of the author, he is overwhelmed with the daffodils and their beauty. The use of “Glee” and “jocund” adds emotive language to the whole experience, which vividly express the powerful image the author saw and how it made him feel human, he discovered a new world, which offered him new perceptions of the world of nature and himself, which results in new values and identity and through this, a sense of tranquility and contentment is expressed to the audience.


Discovery can be hidden, taking interpretation and deep thoughts before being discovered, which can only be discovered through his personal experience and values. “I gazed—and gazed—but little thought”. The repetition of “gazed” explores the lack of discovery, especially with the importance. It was only later with a “vacant mind” does this discovery transform the author’s perspective on life and society both mentally and emotionally. Rediscoveries can be found through the same past experiences, which can evoke past emotional memories “then my heart with pleasure fills”.  The discovery made him able to understand himself and his self-worth in life, and deepens his understanding of himself.

For a text to truly engage its audience, it must first challenge the audience with new perspectives, values or ideas in which we are able to discover ourselves. Both texts effectively engage the audience in a vivid, yet distinct way.

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi! Just wondering if I could get feedback on these notes (basically an essay in dot point form). The main concern is the related since I basically forced my mod C related in:

Hey! Sure thing - I'll do my best to get a feel for the strength of your analysis

Spoiler

New Understandings
Discoveries about one’s surroundings can lead to new understandings as their previous perspectives are challenged.
Good Thesis, you could hone in on what SORT of new understandings and what SORT of challenges depending on the question.

This is emphasised as Guevara’s plan to journey Latin America results in a realisation of the harsh landscape.

• “distant countries, heroic deeds and beautiful women spun around and around in our turbulent imaginations”

- The vivid imagery details his initial idealistic vision of his journey.

I wouldn't say this quote is the best example vivid imagery, there's not many descriptors.

• Despite his idealised planning, Guevara is confronted with the “sulphur mines in the mountains where the climate is so bad and the living conditions so hard”.

- The stifling connotations joined with conjunction - “and”, bring together the unforgiving climate and inhumane living conditions.
- Causes audiences to empathise with Guevara’s unexpected observation of the unrelenting environment.

Be careful that you aren't presenting your quotes in a text-focused way, you don't need to explain the context of the quote within the story to this extent, necessarily. Good inclusion of the audience response. Quote might be a tad long, could you just pull the second half?

• “the lives of the poor … who die miserably in one of the thousand traps set by nature”

- Personification of nature reveals Guevara’s new understanding of humanity’s struggle against powerful natural forces, changed from his idealistic vision of the land.
 
Ditto here, only the last part of the quote shows the techniques - Go easy on yourself by only remembering the crucial bit. What does Guevara's new understanding reveal to the audience more generally?

Comparatively, Mathorne meticulously depicts the notion of nonconformity, as the audience discovers the chaotic consequences of the Tramp’s disillusionment and society is instilled with tremendous fear.

• The priest’s high modality command, “submit to the Lord” and high angle

- Provides to the audience an initial view of the powerful priest controlling society and the Tramp’s beliefs, but he is disenfranchised as he retorts, “Why don’t you try it?”

Good combination of literary/filmic techniques, but again be careful of text-focused analysis. Go beyond what it reveals about the text/characters - What does it reveal about the conceptual idea?

• “The undertaker’s coming”

- Followed by the shaking camera and fearful facial expressions
- The sudden and unexpected discovery of the Undertaker coming to the town causes immense fear in individuals and disruption of social stability.

Very text focused analysis here as well, go BEYOND how it affects the society and the text, this relies heavily on the plot point rather than the techniques.

• Society hiding in their barricaded houses

- Symbolism joined with non-diegetic sound of paranormal whispers, anxious tones and petrified facial expressions.
- Portrays the profound fear discovered by the residents and causes audiences to understand the chaos caused by the disillusioned Tramp.

Try and make the audiences understand something broader, say, the fear that nonconformity induces, for example.

Transformation
The complex process of discovery can be confronting and provocative for individuals as they make emotional discoveries about individuals and society.

Such is true of Guevara’s travelogue as he is emotionally confronted with the struggle of the proletariat within Latin America, sparking his new Marxist values.

• “We had been knights of the road; we belonged to the long-standing wandering aristocracy”

- The metaphor reveals their perspective of themselves; that they are of higher status and royal compared to the impoverished.

What does this reveal about transformation?

• One of Guevara’s first findings is the communist “couple, numb with cold”, “had not one single miserable blanket to cover themselves with” and “carried a mysterious tragic air”

- Emotive language appeals to audience's pathos, causing them to empathise with his provocative realisation of “the profound tragedy circumscribing the life of the proletariat the world over”.

Slightly retell in how you've presented the quote in the notes - Be sure not to do that in the essay itself. Perfectly fine for your own cues.

• His realisation is seen as, if humanity is cleaved “into two antagonistic halves, I will be with the people”

- Showcases how confronting and emotionally meaningful the discovery of poverty is as it sparks his “other, definitive vocation”.
- The hyperbole reveals the extent to which he will pursue equality and justice as his worldview has been significantly altered.

This is good, you've broadened the analysis a bit to a broader exploration of a confronting Discovery. Still slightly too focused on "him," you need to go beyond analysing the character.

On the other hand, Mathorne’s animation depicts the employment of religious power to control society. However, power is a construct shaped by the flaws of human intellect and hence, both the audience and Backwater residents are emotionally confronted as they discover the priest’s malicious intent.

• Lack of emotion of residents, gloomy colours, and zombie-like movement towards the church

- Responders make a confronting discovery, through the stark illustration of the lack of meaning and purpose of society, that the residents mindlessly follow the priest’s commands.

That first bit of lack of meaning and purpose, is where the focus should lie. The realisation about the residents in the story is meaningless!

• This is juxtaposed by society showing emotion as Bubba says “Father, you have brought this upon us”

- The aggravated tone and ghoulish white eyes convey the initial transformation of society towards murderous savages, arising from the realisation of the priest’s lies and deceit.
- The audience realises the utter chaos brought about by the priest’s manipulation through emotionally moving images of chaotic screaming and gory, violent scenes of decapitations and murders.

• Transition to bright colours of the town after everyone has murdered each other

- Combined with the positive symbolism of the rainbow and melodic whistling of the Undertaker.
- Contrasts the earlier darkness shrouding the town.
- Illustrates the emotional discovery of audiences as they are confronted with the shift from graphic scenes to the joyous atmosphere of the town.

What sort of emotional Discovery? Be specific, link it to your theme of transformation.

I'd say your analysis of your related is good! Definitely didn't strike me as overly out of place my biggest comment is probably that your analysis is very text focused, very much focused on what the audience learns about "the residents," or "Guevera," etc. This is like talking about a puppet rather than the ventriloquist - You are analysing the puppet rather than what the puppet is saying. Go beyond the characters of the story and focus instead on what the audience is being taught conceptually about Discovery

(I know the composer/character gap is blurred for the memoir, so a little more leeway there)

I made some comments in bold throughout as well - Hope the feedback is helpful

[pikachu975]

Hey! Sure thing - I'll do my best to get a feel for the strength of your analysis

Spoiler

New Understandings
Discoveries about one’s surroundings can lead to new understandings as their previous perspectives are challenged.
Good Thesis, you could hone in on what SORT of new understandings and what SORT of challenges depending on the question.

This is emphasised as Guevara’s plan to journey Latin America results in a realisation of the harsh landscape.

• “distant countries, heroic deeds and beautiful women spun around and around in our turbulent imaginations”

- The vivid imagery details his initial idealistic vision of his journey.

I wouldn't say this quote is the best example vivid imagery, there's not many descriptors.

• Despite his idealised planning, Guevara is confronted with the “sulphur mines in the mountains where the climate is so bad and the living conditions so hard”.

- The stifling connotations joined with conjunction - “and”, bring together the unforgiving climate and inhumane living conditions.
- Causes audiences to empathise with Guevara’s unexpected observation of the unrelenting environment.

Be careful that you aren't presenting your quotes in a text-focused way, you don't need to explain the context of the quote within the story to this extent, necessarily. Good inclusion of the audience response. Quote might be a tad long, could you just pull the second half?

• “the lives of the poor … who die miserably in one of the thousand traps set by nature”

- Personification of nature reveals Guevara’s new understanding of humanity’s struggle against powerful natural forces, changed from his idealistic vision of the land.
 
Ditto here, only the last part of the quote shows the techniques - Go easy on yourself by only remembering the crucial bit. What does Guevara's new understanding reveal to the audience more generally?

Comparatively, Mathorne meticulously depicts the notion of nonconformity, as the audience discovers the chaotic consequences of the Tramp’s disillusionment and society is instilled with tremendous fear.

• The priest’s high modality command, “submit to the Lord” and high angle

- Provides to the audience an initial view of the powerful priest controlling society and the Tramp’s beliefs, but he is disenfranchised as he retorts, “Why don’t you try it?”

Good combination of literary/filmic techniques, but again be careful of text-focused analysis. Go beyond what it reveals about the text/characters - What does it reveal about the conceptual idea?

• “The undertaker’s coming”

- Followed by the shaking camera and fearful facial expressions
- The sudden and unexpected discovery of the Undertaker coming to the town causes immense fear in individuals and disruption of social stability.

Very text focused analysis here as well, go BEYOND how it affects the society and the text, this relies heavily on the plot point rather than the techniques.

• Society hiding in their barricaded houses

- Symbolism joined with non-diegetic sound of paranormal whispers, anxious tones and petrified facial expressions.
- Portrays the profound fear discovered by the residents and causes audiences to understand the chaos caused by the disillusioned Tramp.

Try and make the audiences understand something broader, say, the fear that nonconformity induces, for example.

Transformation
The complex process of discovery can be confronting and provocative for individuals as they make emotional discoveries about individuals and society.

Such is true of Guevara’s travelogue as he is emotionally confronted with the struggle of the proletariat within Latin America, sparking his new Marxist values.

• “We had been knights of the road; we belonged to the long-standing wandering aristocracy”

- The metaphor reveals their perspective of themselves; that they are of higher status and royal compared to the impoverished.

What does this reveal about transformation?

• One of Guevara’s first findings is the communist “couple, numb with cold”, “had not one single miserable blanket to cover themselves with” and “carried a mysterious tragic air”

- Emotive language appeals to audience's pathos, causing them to empathise with his provocative realisation of “the profound tragedy circumscribing the life of the proletariat the world over”.

Slightly retell in how you've presented the quote in the notes - Be sure not to do that in the essay itself. Perfectly fine for your own cues.

• His realisation is seen as, if humanity is cleaved “into two antagonistic halves, I will be with the people”

- Showcases how confronting and emotionally meaningful the discovery of poverty is as it sparks his “other, definitive vocation”.
- The hyperbole reveals the extent to which he will pursue equality and justice as his worldview has been significantly altered.

This is good, you've broadened the analysis a bit to a broader exploration of a confronting Discovery. Still slightly too focused on "him," you need to go beyond analysing the character.

On the other hand, Mathorne’s animation depicts the employment of religious power to control society. However, power is a construct shaped by the flaws of human intellect and hence, both the audience and Backwater residents are emotionally confronted as they discover the priest’s malicious intent.

• Lack of emotion of residents, gloomy colours, and zombie-like movement towards the church

- Responders make a confronting discovery, through the stark illustration of the lack of meaning and purpose of society, that the residents mindlessly follow the priest’s commands.

That first bit of lack of meaning and purpose, is where the focus should lie. The realisation about the residents in the story is meaningless!

• This is juxtaposed by society showing emotion as Bubba says “Father, you have brought this upon us”

- The aggravated tone and ghoulish white eyes convey the initial transformation of society towards murderous savages, arising from the realisation of the priest’s lies and deceit.
- The audience realises the utter chaos brought about by the priest’s manipulation through emotionally moving images of chaotic screaming and gory, violent scenes of decapitations and murders.

• Transition to bright colours of the town after everyone has murdered each other

- Combined with the positive symbolism of the rainbow and melodic whistling of the Undertaker.
- Contrasts the earlier darkness shrouding the town.
- Illustrates the emotional discovery of audiences as they are confronted with the shift from graphic scenes to the joyous atmosphere of the town.

What sort of emotional Discovery? Be specific, link it to your theme of transformation.

I'd say your analysis of your related is good! Definitely didn't strike me as overly out of place my biggest comment is probably that your analysis is very text focused, very much focused on what the audience learns about "the residents," or "Guevera," etc. This is like talking about a puppet rather than the ventriloquist - You are analysing the puppet rather than what the puppet is saying. Go beyond the characters of the story and focus instead on what the audience is being taught conceptually about Discovery

(I know the composer/character gap is blurred for the memoir, so a little more leeway there)

I made some comments in bold throughout as well - Hope the feedback is helpful

Thanks heaps! So would you recommend just changing the analysis and stuff rather than changing the quotes? Also if I understand what you're saying, you're saying to focus more on what each technique says about discovery in general rather than what each technique says about the text?

[jamonwindeyer]

Thanks heaps! So would you recommend just changing the analysis and stuff rather than changing the quotes? Also if I understand what you're saying, you're saying to focus more on what each technique says about discovery in general rather than what each technique says about the text?

Yep that's 100% right. Yeah I think for the most part your quotes are good! As you cut textual detail, you may shorten a few of them, you really only need the snippet with the technique in it

[theblackswan]

Can you have a look at this rough intro? Thanks!
Essay Questions: To what extent do the texts you have studied reveal both the emotional and intellectual responses provoked by the experience of discovery?

The sense of unfamiliarity consequential to experiencing a discovery is what generates doubt in an individuals's current perceptions. Although the emotional impact differs from person to person and is partly determined by how conflicting the discovery is with our current views, the evolution of perceptions is a common intellectual response experienced by most individuals. The implantation of doubt forces us to reassess the worth of our views and construct new ones. These notions are depicted in the film 'The Black Swan' (2010) by Aronofvsky and the 1995 memoir 'The Motorcycle Diaries' by Che Guevara. While the 'Black Swan' places an emphasis on how emotions evoked by discoveries can grow to control a person's decisions, 'The Motorcycle Diaries' directs a more intimate focus on the capacity for discoveries to transform a person and its effect on the individual' future. Regardless, both texts agree on the notion  that the emotional component is a short term consequence which in turn stimulates a long term intellectual response involving the reconstruction of new beliefs.

[bsdfjnlkasn]

Can you have a look at this rough intro? Thanks!
Essay Questions: To what extent do the texts you have studied reveal both the emotional and intellectual responses provoked by the experience of discovery?

The sense of unfamiliarity consequential to experiencing a discovery is what generates doubt in an individuals's current perceptions. Although the emotional impact differs from person to person and is partly determined by how conflicting the discovery is with our current views, the evolution of perceptions is a common intellectual response experienced by most individuals. The implantation of doubt forces us to reassess the worth of our views and construct new ones. These notions are depicted in the film 'The Black Swan' (2010) by Aronofvsky and the 1995 memoir 'The Motorcycle Diaries' by Che Guevara. While the 'Black Swan' places an emphasis on how emotions evoked by discoveries can grow to control a person's decisions, 'The Motorcycle Diaries' directs a more intimate focus on the capacity for discoveries to transform a person and its effect on the individual' future. Regardless, both texts agree on the notion  that the emotional component is a short term consequence which in turn stimulates a long term intellectual response involving the reconstruction of new beliefs.

Hey there! Hope these comments are of good use to you

The sense of unfamiliarity consequential what do you mean by this? If I've interpreted this correctly, maybe rephrasing the same idea into something simpler like, "The unknown consequences of experiencing..." will really help your marker process the thesis. It's great and deserves to make the best impression it can straight away to experiencing a discovery is what generates doubt doubt is a good thing to discuss because it is both intellectual and emotional in an individuals's current perceptions of what? You may not need this last bit of the sentence . Although the emotional impact differs from person to person and is partly determined by how conflicting the discovery is with our current views great use of synonyms! Really shows that you're giving your own interpretation of the rubric, the evolution of perceptions is a common intellectual response experienced by most individuals instead of writing "common" and "most" you could simplify by saying "the evolution of perceptions is a common intellectual response to discoveries that conflict with an individual's current values" (this also joins the previous sentence with this one, helping you produce a more succinct intro) . The implantation of doubt forces us to reassess the worth of our views and construct new ones great!. These notions are depicted in the film 'The Black Swan' (2010) by I like to include their first name too , also maybe introduce the prescribed first and then the related Aronofvsky and the 1995 memoir 'The Motorcycle Diaries' by Che Guevara. While the 'Black Swan' Instead of focusing on the texts, step out of them and discuss what the composers are doing, because they're the ones representing different ideas about discovery places an emphasis on how emotions evoked by discoveries can grow to control a person's decisions, 'The Motorcycle Diaries' directs a more intimate focus on the capacity for discoveries to transform a person and its effect on the individual' future good comparison, flows really nicely. Regardless, both texts agree on the notion that the emotional component is a short term consequence which in turn stimulates a long term intellectual response involving the reconstruction of new beliefs.

Overall, great work! You're clearly answering the question and adding your own twist which adds sophistication . I like how you develop your ideas and introduce your texts in one swift go it helps the marker get a real sense of what you're going to discuss and sets you up for a killer essay.

Let me know if anything was unclear, because I am more than happy to help clarify 

[jamonwindeyer]

Hello! I did not do well in AOS, and thought why not ask for advice ^_^

This is basically what I wrote in trials (fixed some spelling ) and it gave me a 10/15 in my trial paper, and I'd love for you to point out the weak arguments

How would I improve?

Hey! Happy to help out, your essay is attached with comments in bold

Spoiler

The process of discovery involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known.
How is this perspective on discovery explored in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?

Discoveries can reveal emotions or greedy desires that can destroy the integrity of the characters which transforms both the character’s and the audience’s outlook on the world. This is a fairly text focused Thesis, it is focusing a lot on characters. This sort of locks you in to a text-focused discussion rather than a conceptual one. I like the idea, but try and make it broader and more conceptual. This can lead to  new values and ideas which can reflected upon by reconsidering past events. Through the film Life of Pi by Ang Lee and the poem “I wandered as lonely as a cloud” By william Wordsworth, we, the audience are also challenged with these new ideas which engage us to discover a deepened understanding of ourselves. Overall, a solid introduction. Slightly conceptualising your arguments would be beneficial.

In “Life of Pi”, Discoveries can reveal emotions or greedy desires that can destroy the integrity of the characters which transforms both the character’s and the audience’s outlook on the world. Ensure that your paragraph topics aren't exact copies of your Thesis - They should delve a little deeper, explore some more specific aspect. Pi discovers a new identity of what was initially hidden in him, being his aggression and survival attributes “Hunger can change everything you ever thought you knew about yourself.” This shows how hunger is willing to consume Pi and reveals his new desperation for survival. This disguised allegory symbolizes Pi’s transition into beast, that reveals that Pi had to change his identity between man and beast in order to survive. This analytical approach is quite arduous - Quote takes a whole sentence, this is what the quote reveals, oh and this is the technique that is used. Try and get the quote and technique in the same sentence (best for flow), then explain what it achieves after that. Also be sure to talk about consequences broadly, not just what it reveals about Pi. Through this, we are able to compare these new attributes to Richard Parker, where we, the audience watch two contrasting worlds clash, a symbol of Pi’s contrasting thoughts which leaves an overall different identity and portrays Pi’s change into Richard Parker, which is driven by his hunger. That sentence was a little confusing to read. “You’re seeing your own emotions reflected back in his eyes.” and the constant shots viewed from Richard Parker’s perspective allows the audience to attach emotionally and physically into this new world of Pi’s psychological conflict, and to sympathise with him. Good recognition of the audience impact - Make sure every quote has a technique. It is only when Pi’s integrity has been lost, does he realise the world he has been living in. Retell. “He brought the evil out in me, and I have to live with that” The metaphor and emotive tone with the close-up of Pi’s face supports and highlights the emotional distress Pi is facing. Quotes taking their own sentence is impacting quite heavily on the logical flow of your arguments, because you stop entirely to just read a quote - Try and embed it into your sentences. As Richard Parker leaves Pi’s life, the colours fade, compared to the first fish killed by Pi, resembles both purity and beauty being drawn out of life. This comparison needs to be drawn out more - Watch for retell. The use of sparse colours with the absence of Richard Parker shows that even though Pi’s worst attributes were revealed by him, these attributes were required to stay alive but are no longer needed, a symbol of a part of Pi is being abandoned, yet forever lingering in his life shown through the close up of Pi sobbing. Sentence a tad too long - What does it reveal to the audience about DISCOVERY? Through these change in emotions and desires, Pi is able to explore a different perception on himself and the world which draws us, the reader to explore this new personality. Some good ideas, but too text focused (character focused) - You can tell because the word 'Discovery' or similar isn't mentioned beyond the introduction!

Secondly, These new discoveries lead to new values, ideas or perspectives which can reflected upon about the future or by reconsidering past events. After Pi’s journey and losing an important aspect of his life, “The world lost its enchantment” You need to link this quote to what you are saying, instead of just having it sit there without a logical link or joining word for flow. The metaphor and vivid imagery explores Pi’s newfound independence and explores his new perspective on life; bland and miserable. But what does it reveal about how discoveries lead to new values? You need to go BEYOND the character, Pi is just a puppet. Pi’s new discovery links to the abandonment of identity through the abandonment of Richard Parker. “I wept like a child, not because I was overwhelmed that having survived, I was weeping because richard parker left me so unceremoniously, it broke my heart.” The emotive tone exemplifies the impact of past experiences and how past discoveries can evoke emotional conflict while the personification of the broken heart further portrays Pi’s emotional conflict with his past experiences especially with his newfound self. First part of this analysis, the 'evoke emotional conflict bit,' is great. It is taking a technique and saying what it represents about past experiences. Good stuff. From this, Pi is able to adapt to new values and to have a deepened understanding of himself and others, especially through others. Retell. “I never was able to thank my father, for all I learnt from him, to tell him without his lessons, I never would have survived.” The dialogue portrays a broken link in Pi’s past, and how reconsidering these events can spark new values and perspectives in his life. Go beyond the character! Through this, the audience is able to grasp the difficulties in certain discoveries and how a rediscovery has a transformative potential to the character. This was a better analytical paragraph, but we are still focusing heavily on the character. You need to abstract and focus on concepts - There was a glimpse of this in the middle there!

Similarly, The title, “I wandered as lonely as a cloud”  uses both personification to portray emotionally the loneliness of the cloud to the author to express their perception and ideas on the world, he has the freedom to do whatever he wants, but is unable to discover his identity in the world. You need to properly introduce your new text, you can't transition straight into more analysis. Every paragraph needs an introduction. Even just, "Similarly, the poem ______ also portrays ______." Simple, but it needs to be there. Through the discovery of place, the author is able to shape their understanding of life, which changes their emotional standing and outlook on life. “I saw a crowd, A host of golden daffodils; Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.” The personification of the daffodils dancing, gives an atmosphere of flow and rhythm, portraying them as majestic. If you are only highlighting the dancing daffodils, you should just use that bit of the quote. The "I saw a crowd" bit is probably unnecessary - Trying to save you some work! The daffodils symbolise society as a whole, where the human-like nature explores the new outlook the author has, contrasting to their sense of loneliness and isolation to society portrayed at the beginning. “They stretched in never-ending line … Ten thousand saw I at a glance” The hyperbole communicates the newfound emotions of the author, he is overwhelmed with the daffodils and their beauty. But what does it reveal about Discovery? The use of “Glee” and “jocund” adds emotive language to the whole experience, which vividly express the powerful image the author saw and how it made him feel human, he discovered a new world, which offered him new perceptions of the world of nature and himself, which results in new values and identity and through this, a sense of tranquility and contentment is expressed to the audience. Be sure your paragraphs are definitively concluded, there should be a separate sentence saying, "Thus, this is what I've proved."


Discovery can be hidden, taking interpretation and deep thoughts before being discovered, which can only be discovered through his personal experience and values. “I gazed—and gazed—but little thought”. The repetition of “gazed” explores the lack of discovery, especially with the importance. It was only later with a “vacant mind” does this discovery transform the author’s perspective on life and society both mentally and emotionally. Rediscoveries can be found through the same past experiences, which can evoke past emotional memories “then my heart with pleasure fills”.  The discovery made him able to understand himself and his self-worth in life, and deepens his understanding of himself. Is this supposed to be a separate paragraph? Definitely doesn't substantiate being separate -  Obviously you've got time constraints which could have prevented you getting everything down but if possible I'd embed this analysis elsewhere, or fill out the paragraph

For a text to truly engage its audience, it must first challenge the audience with new perspectives, values or ideas in which we are able to discover ourselves. Both texts effectively engage the audience in a vivid, yet distinct way. Your conclusion needs to link more specifically to the question, and reintroduce the texts. Use the same phrasing from the question to make those links clear.

I think you've got the pieces of a great essay here - Lots of textual references, good conceptual ideas. But they are being held back by a very character focused approach - You aren't linking to Discovery, you are linking to character experiences and what the characters are Discovering. This isn't a conceptual approach - You need to take the techniques the composer uses and say what they reveal to the audience about Discovery on the whole. You did it briefly in one sentence:

“I wept like a child, not because I was overwhelmed that having survived, I was weeping because richard parker left me so unceremoniously, it broke my heart.” The emotive tone exemplifies the impact of past experiences and how past discoveries can evoke emotional conflict while the personification of the broken heart further portrays Pi’s emotional conflict with his past experiences especially with his newfound self.

See that bold bit? That's linking a technique to a Discovery idea. THAT is what you need. Cut out the unnecessary character detail, and shorten the quote, and you get:

The composers use of emotive tone in, "I wept like a child... It broke my heart," exemplifies the impact of past experiences and how past discoveries can evoke emotional conflict.

^^ That is a 15/15 sentence. Notice also I've actually acknowledged the quote in the sentence, it has a place, versus just having it sit there in its own sentence. I've also shortened the quote to get the good bits that show my technique, and no extra. Short, sweet, conceptual, powerful. That is what you are striving for

My comments throughout should cover the rest of my thoughts - Let me know if I can clarify anything. Good stuff!

[theblackswan]

Can you have a look at my intro please? I wrote it on the spot but I've altered it a little so that you wouldn't be frightened of how much I've managed to butcher the art of writing essays! 
Questions: "Discovery allows us to view the hidden experience as a common, human experience." (I really didn't know what to put)
The plethora of discoveries encountered when individuals endeavour to seek out the unfamiliarity that cannot be experienced in their comfort zones is an element shared by all of humanity. It is the curiosity present within all individuals which creates the desire to explore the unknown. The human experience is partly characterised by exposure to new environments and this process is propagated by a personal desire to connect with what is usually hidden. The unpredictable nature of discoveries can be emotionally and intellectually stimulating and it is this which prompts the emergence of new perceptions of the world in humans. These notions are explored in Darren Arofnovksy's film 'The Black Swan' (2010) and memoir 'Motorcycle Diaries' by Che Guevara. Both composers exhibit how discoveries connect all humans in the respect that they form part of an individual's emotional and intellectual development.