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Author Topic: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)  (Read 600315 times)

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bethr

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1140 on: June 26, 2017, 08:41:45 am »
Hey there! So when you said you spoke to your teacher who just regurgitated what you already know: what was that pertaining to? Was she giving you advice on areas you've already worked on and are continuing to improve, or was it nothing really to do with improvement? I'll look specifically at the analysis of Atwood as it seems your teacher was unimpressed by that part!


Spoiler
How have the composers of the speeches used rhetoric to respond to the dominant values and beliefs of their contexts?

Speeches are a medium through which the composer challenges society’s beliefs and highlight how these beliefs may be compromising common human values. In situations where a political dichotomy prevails, rhetoric can be used to persuade responders to a point of view. Anwar Sadat’s 1977, ‘Statement to the Israeli Knesset’ argues for a renewed pursuit of peace and unity between the Arabs and Israelis, where for generations, there had been cyclical warfare. Comparatively, Margaret Atwood’s 1994 ‘Spotty-Handed Villainesses’ advocates for female characterisation that is bold and nasty and multi-dimensional in the name of feminism. The rhetoric employed by these texts differs in how they appeal to pathos and logos, but converge with their appeal to ethos in the name of justice. In studying these speeches, I have learnt that despite their differing contexts, rhetoric manipulates speeches to forward positive political agendas.

Sadat challenges the societal value of power by appealing to pathos to unite his audience of Egyptians and Israelis by reminding them of shared losses incurred through war. Despite their divisions, Sadat focuses on the common family unit, describing “the families” as “still moaning,” under “the cruel pains of widowhood and bereavement”. The auditory imagery of ‘moaning’ elucidates an image of the tangible pain endured by both sides of the conflict. Sadat exploits the subsequent suffering to unite his audience. Sadat uses the imperative, instructing his audience to “tell them we are in for a new beginning to a new life”. The personal pronoun ‘we’, coupled with the high modality, reinforces the textual integrity of his inclusive ‘sacred message’ revealing the importance of his hope for interstate harmony. The tautological ‘new beginning’ and repetition of ‘new’ is representative of their fresh relationship, evidenced in 2015 when the Israeli Embassy reopened in Cairo. These recent events reveal the success of Sadat’s rhetoric. Despite tentative peace between Egypt and Israel, the continuing conflict in the Middle East requires us to reflect again on the relevance of Sadat’s speech today. 

In contrast to Sadat, Atwood’s speech is an appeal to logos, a critical evaluation of the integrity of female literary characters regarding real women. I like the comparative nature of logos and pathos between the texts - a very unique link, it works well.She echoes the values of third-wave feminism, which finds itself dismayed that women can only be simplistically represented. She infers that our censorship of women is outdated. At this point, we are three sentences in without analysis yet, more just observations. In the Sadat paragraph above, it took one sentence less to get to the analysis. This isn't a huge deal, I'm just pointing out your own structure to you in new light. She uses logos when she asks, “Were all heroines to be essentially spotless of soul?”. The rhetorical question uses sibilance to create a scathing and ironic tone, revealing the juxtaposition between her values and society’s beliefs. She exemplifies, through anaphora, how ‘novels are not’ a reflection of real life, educating the audience of the irrationality of their fear of what fictional villainesses, ‘divorced from real life’ could do. But, will her warning be heeded? Atwood mourns “a tendency to cookie-cut… and to write a pattern… and to over-sugar on one side”. Through polysyndeton and an ironic analogy of baking, Atwood strongly affirms her textual integrity by furthering her argument that women have been unfairly stereotyped and boxed in by literature that attempted to liberate them through representation. As a feminist myself, Atwood’s speech has not only enhanced my understanding of how third-wave feminism re-thought the definition of empowerment but enlightened me on an aspect of gender inequality I had never noticed. I hate to not be able to provide more help - but I have carefully looked between both of these two paragraphs and I honestly don't feel that the analysis of Atwood lacks behind Sadat's analysis. Onwards...

In a point of convergence, Sadat and Atwood similarly use ethos to tap into our humanity. I'm majorly impressed by the ethos, pathos, and logos links.
 
Sadat conclusively states, ‘I will go to the end of the world; I will go to Israel.’ The metaphor and hyperbolic statement of Israel being the ‘end of the world’ is a departure from his consistent characterisation of the states as unified. However, the high modality repetition of ‘I will,’ appeals to ethos by revealing his dedication to his role as an advocate for peace. Further, he states, ‘I have chosen […] to come to you with an open heart and an open mind.’ The metaphor of “heart” is emblematic of Sadat’s desire to forge a new partnership with Israel through their shared compassion. In contrast to Sadat, Atwood fiercely advocates for change, never straying from her feminist values.  She exclaims, “Women characters, arise! Take back the night!” a powerful appeal to ethos, establishing her role as simultaneously an author and social commentator. The accumulation of exclamatory statements creates an empowering tone to illustrate how, in contrast to Sadat, these ideas are pre-existing – they need only be ignited. She discusses these prevailing values in the metaphor, ‘Many doors stand ajar;’ by which villainess ‘act as keys’ to open. Unlike Sadat, she appeals to ethos consistently, in her simile which recognises the emergence of equality in society.

To conclude, Sadat and Atwood manipulate rhetoric, particularly pathos and logos and ethos to achieve political justice and progress against dominant discourse.

I'm flawed...I don't know what advice to give you. I actually disagree in that I think your Atwood and Sadat analysis is equally spectacular. I can tell you worked hard on this. I think the conclusion can be a place for you to rake in your essay, and it's always been my personal style to give conclusions more room than you have. BUT, I know this isn't for everyone, AND, it's not in the feedback your teacher has given you in terms of what you lost marks for - so I've decided that the conclusion doesn't have a whole lot to do with anything. I'm really bummed for you that you haven't been given the marks you desire, and although you'd be able to dissect more if this was an essay instead of a speech, I can imagine how powerfully you would have delivered this in a short time. Perhaps you could ask your teacher what the difference was between your response and the response of someone who got higher marks. If the other student is willing to share their work, even better. Because just looking at this, I don't think it deserves poor marks. But, looking at someone who gained higher marks might be what you need to work out the gap for yourself! Write back with any thoughts, or if you make any progress.. :)

Hey Elyse! Thank you so much for your feedback! Don't worry that there wasn't much to say... it's comforting to know that perhaps it's just harsh marking? I got 13/20 for it, which isn't horrible but, if I say so myself, I thought it deserved a higher mark. Thanks again :)
« Last Edit: June 26, 2017, 08:57:41 am by elysepopplewell »

elysepopplewell

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1141 on: June 26, 2017, 08:57:00 am »
Hey! I'm writing an essay for Module B speeches, and I was hoping to get some feedback regarding the clarity of my introduction in response to the question: "It has been suggested that we value those speeches which examine the flaws and the potential in human societies.To what extent does your personal understanding agree with this view?"

Hey there! I'll put my feedback in bold font :)

My introduction is: "Forceful and memorable speeches combine several elements to, in the words of George Campbell’s “Philosophy of Rhetoric”, “enlighten the understanding, please the imagination, move the passion and influence the will” to persuade responders to the worldview of their composers. I think there's a bit too much to this sentence. It's just a little difficult to follow the entire way. I think your inclusion of the Philosophy of Rhetoric is very clever, but I don't think it's as clear as it could be, it's just a bit too much happening. Influential speeches also demonstrate the quality of Kairos through an insightful response to, and timely reflection of, the context from which they came. In this respect, speeches that confront the injustices of their time are valued for their political, social and historical significance, establishing milestones that are appreciated regardless of context. Yeah! I love this last part here - establishing milestones that are appreciated regardless of context." Really powerful. Both Anwar Sadat’s 1977 “Speech to the Israeli Knesset” and Paul Keating’s 1992 “Redfern Speech” draw on the flaws of their respective societies to accentuate the potential to overcome them. Unique, clever, precise! Sadat’s Egypt and Keating’s Australia have both endured historic societal divisions due to ideological conflict and colonisation, where this dichotomy continues to catalyse detrimental consequences into the present day. However, the composer’s appeal to the primitive desires for peace and equality addresses the fundamental positive potential of human society, establishing an exigence that motivates these past injustices to be overcome.

Every single part of this works for me, except the first sentence. That's just a little too convoluted. But I don't think it's worth scrapping and starting over, it's just about reorganising the syntax so the ideas can still remain there, just they'll be clearer! I think you're definitely on the right track here :)

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elysepopplewell

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1142 on: June 26, 2017, 08:59:33 am »
Hey Elyse! Thank you so much for your feedback! Don't worry that there wasn't much to say... it's comforting to know that perhaps it's just harsh marking? I got 13/20 for it, which isn't horrible but, if I say so myself, I thought it deserved a higher mark. Thanks again :)

If the process at your school allows you to do this without sabotaging your study time coming into trials - you might want to pursue a challenge of your mark. At the least, I think you should request to see a better response (even if not from your own cohort) so you can physically see what your teacher expects of you. I definitely agree it is harshly marked, and I don't think the feedback you were given equates to 7 marks lost - so just for the purpose of your trials coming up, I'd be trying to pursue further feedback so you can do as well as possible :)
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bethr

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1143 on: June 27, 2017, 09:47:56 am »
Hi again!
I have more speeches, yay! If possible, (I know I haven't yet done another 15 posts), but could someone please look at my essay scaffolds for some of the other speeches?
Thank you :)

« Last Edit: June 27, 2017, 04:58:48 pm by bethr »

jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1144 on: June 27, 2017, 07:30:25 pm »
Thanks! Here's the repost. It would be greatly appreciated if this could be marked by monday as my exams wendsday :) If that is not manageable then I completely understand. Again, thanks for the incredible help! Please critique anything you see fit. Don't be afraid of being harsh :P

I've actually cut out an entire body paragraph and tuned the rest as it was too long and my teacher noted it was my weakest link/redundant. Let me know if I've made anything worse as well.

Hey Wales! My turn - Hopefully this last minute feedback is useful :)

Spoiler
Politics illustrates the ultimate powerlessness of ordinary people.
To what extent is this view represented in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?


Dystopian texts are an hyperbolic representation of the state of political affairs in contemporary societies. Composers of such texts utilise the conflicting human ethics of a dystopic society with the goal of exposing the disturbing ideas of human manipulation in order to depict the underlying powerlessness of the citizens. Love the start to your Thesis paragraph, excellent backdrop of dystopian texts in general. Be sure to use commas to break ideas up into manageable chunks. By ascribing the ideology of power and control to an applicable medium, composers invite audiences to understand the concealed truths behind political actions, as represented in a dystopian, literary world. Great. Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World (1932) investigates the dystopian themes of inculcation, dehumanisation and totalitarianism while Oliver Stone’s biographical political thriller Snowden (2016) represents the modern political agenda of being omnipotent and manipulative. Both texts explore the effect of advancing technology on the relationship between people and politics, as well as exercising the similar themes of power and manipulation to create a totalitarian and dystopic society where individuals are stripped of their intrinsic autonomy. Great introduction, I'd manipulate the wording of your last sentence a little to make it SUPER CLEAR you are answering the question. But otherwise, good work :)
 
Politicians endeavour to deprive the intrinsic individuality of the citizens in order to create a conformist state as a response for their insatiable desire for power. Great concept. The World States thirst for power to control and manipulate the population is revealed through satire of the production line which represents the relationship between technological advancements and politics. Be sure to inform the reader you are discussing Huxley's text, keep the flow logical. Huxley exaggerates the impact of a society founded consumerism with the religious parody “Sign of the T” and substitute for profanity “Oh Ford” signifying the quixotic nature of the populace by juxtaposing the divine with a consumerist parody. Excellent analysis of techniques. The nihilistic nature of a totalitarianistic society is illustrated by the desire to control the spiritual elements of humanity representing the lacking autonomous desire of individuals. Remember to use commas - I'm having to re-read a few sentences to properly process your ideas. They are great ideas, but make sure the marker doesn't have to do any work to interpret them. Huxley appeals to the audience by challenging the ethos of the 1930’s through the inversion of values epitomised in the hypnopaedia and conditioning process with the end objective of a conformist state. Watch that you don't rely too much on plot elements to convey your ideas. The intellectual conformity characterised through the high modal phrase “I’m really awfully glad I’m not a beta” results in a diminishment of the intrinsic autonomous nature of children in order to create an atmosphere that exemplifies the World State’s idealistic visions of autocratic rule and capitalist consumerist world space where a loss of individuality is imminent. Commas. Huxley’s italicised text “But these suggestions are our suggestions” is a deceptive representation of the World State’s ethos due to the assertive nature of the leaders and their forcing of ideologies upon individuals. What impact would this have on the audience? Be sure to make this final step, what does the audience learn or what new understanding is presented to us? By capitalising on the ethos of the 20th century Huxley represents the ultimate power of the conditioning process in the technocratic paradigm of the World State and accentuates the limited intellectual freedoms of the citizens. Strong paragraph with excellent conceptual ideas, well argued. Good job.
 
Snowden captures the phantasmic political ideology of security and manipulation, dramatising them to demonstrate the abuse of power in intergovernmental organisations, evoking a conscientious understanding of the ineffectual position of citizens. Fantastic introduction. Stone depicts the impunity of the Government with the extreme closeup shot of the CIA Director telling Edward “your girlfriend isn’t sleeping with that photographer friend of hers” portraying an abuse of authority and invasion of privacy by prying into the personal life of a citizen, contradicting the Civil Liberty of the right to be secure hence promoting the autocratic power of the state in order to construct a conformist society. Again, commas - I feel your sentences and frequently just a phrase too long. Work on being succinct and choosing words carefully to cut your overall count down. The subsequent low light closeup of Edwards despairful expression is an aesthetic representation of his powerlessness after having his human rights violated and reiterates his ethical conflict of data collection with the state’s actions. Be careful not to focus too much on what we learn about characters in the text - They are just puppets for larger ideas. What does the audience learn about powerlessness more generally? Stone capitalises upon the innocence of citizens through Edwards dialogue “ which people?, the whole kingdom Snow White”. The intertextual reference and closeup shot of Edwards conflicted expression alludes to the intrinsic innocence of Edward and reinforces the supremacy of the state through their phantasmic promotion of national security as a service to the people. Stone appeals to the ethos of the 21st century by meticulously exposing the duplicitous dichotomy of national security and privacy uncovering the States ubiquitous manipulation of the people. Another strong paragraph, excellent work.   
 
To achieve the ultimate goal of a utopian society clandestine actions are taken in order to acquire the desired result of happiness where the government yearns for axiomatic rule over the people in order to manipulate them. Commas. Huxley opposes the traditional approach to oppression by exploiting the happiness of citizens and subverting the connatural structure of human life with scientific means evident in the satire of the mass production line. Commas - Your ideas are fantastic, but I'm working quite hard to group things in the right way here. Huxley leaves the citizens in a vulnerable state whereby the state inculcates capital consumerist ideologies such as the cliche “ignorance is bliss” implying that if one is not educated they cannot be troubled. A little too plot focused here I think? Not really any techniques. The ideology of ignorance is reflected in the hypnopaedic conditioning phrase “a gramme is better than a damn” furthering the consumerist ideals of “Community, Identity and Stability” and instant gratification as a prerequisite to achieve happiness. Stone proposes the US Government exercises the similar ideology of ignorance through the extreme closeup of Edward's distraught face when saying “what’s keeping you safe is that you don’t know anything” which contrasts the Huxleyan idea of keeping the populace ignorant and deprived of autonomy. Isn't this the same idea though? Like, ignorance is safety/bliss, do they not support each other in this way? Further displays of the Government dogmas of control and manipulation through the cameo appearance of Obama juxtaposed with the political satire poster “Big brother is watching you” which seeks to exemplify the sensationalist nature of journalism suggesting the oppressive disposition of modern political agendas. Commas. The intertextual allusion to Orwell’s 1984 represents the Government’s oppressive approach to attaining control through fear and parallels the similar dystopian notion of power which Stone reiterates in the low angle shots of Edward conversing with his superiors signifying his state of powerlessness whilst under the government’s jurisdiction. Commas. By understanding the evocative mediums of representation and contrasting the Huxleyan approach to control of ignorance against Stone’s technological crisis the audience is able understand the oppressive nature of politics on the citizens. This paragraph particularly, your ideas are getting lost in your expression. Try and keep things simple - You have a strong vocabulary and great ideas, but I was yearning for shorter sentences and more organised ideas. What is there is great but it isn't presented in a way an exhausted marker will be receptive to at 10pm while their kids are screaming in the background.
    
As composers are inevitably influenced by their social and political contexts, the representation of the relationship between people and politics is inherently subjective. Excellent. Both the Stone and Huxleyan interpretations of political control represents the dark thematics of a dystopian world space where a lack of autonomous desire and powerlessness overrides the populace. Good conclusion - A little short but I think it accomplishes what it needs to.

Overall comments:

- Techniques and ideas are, on the whole, fantastic
- You need to tidy up expression. Simplify and shorten your sentences, watch for redundant phrases and little bits of plot info you can cut. Use commas often, your sentences are way too long not to have them (don't worry, mine were long too, commas solve all issues!)
- Be careful that your analysis is focusing on audience impact. At times it went back a step to what we learn about characters/world spaces, which isn't the focus. Keep things conceptual and thematic.

Hope this helps ;D

jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1145 on: June 27, 2017, 10:04:45 pm »
Hello! Can someone please have a look at my Mod A Essay for KRIII and LFR.

I can! ;D

Spoiler
Q: The connections between King Richard III and Looking for Richard illuminate mankind’s endless struggle with the ambitious pursuit of power. To what extent is this true of the comparative study of William Shakespeare’s King Richard III and Al Pacino’s Looking for Richard?

Individuals embarking upon the ambitious pursuit of power will inevitably become entrapped in the machinations of corruption, often comprising their integrity and humility in the endless struggle for this sublime objective. Nice introduction. Conceptual, complex - I like it. A comparative study of Shakespeare’s historical tragedy King Richard III and Pacino’s meta-documentary Looking For Richard illuminates the extent of Richard’s aggressive pursuit of power as a direct consequence of the absence of the aforementioned values of integrity and humility, and the necessity of maintaining these values in cross-contextual societies in order to maintain one’s humanity. This introduction is a little bare bones. You need to address the part of the question about the CONNECTIONS between the two. Setting out your paragraph topics would also be beneficial.
 
The timeless struggle for the grasp of power has led society to question the importance and necessity of integrity, allowing for a duplicitous representation of King Richard III across several contexts. The value of integrity is intrinsic to the theocentric society of Shakespeare’s milieu as it enforces the Christian mindset of staying true to oneself in their thoughts and actions. Nice contextual reference, very important in Module A, any textual evidence that this context has impacted? Any Christian imagery/symbols? Hence, Shakespeare’s characterisation of Richard’s as duplicitous and manipulative illuminates the detriments to one’s humanity when integrity is dismissed, through Richard’s downfall. How was this characterisation achieved? Richard’s absence of integrity in his pursuit to achieve the crown of England is accentuated through Shakespeare's deliberate use of soliloquies to reveal Richard’s inner most thoughts. This is epitomised within the opening soliloquy where Shakespeare reveals to the audiences Richard’s “determination to prove a villain” in turn revealing his “subtle, false and treacherous” nature. What techniques are associated with these quotes? Right now you are just retelling the plot with dialogue. Thus, Shakespeare characterises Richard as a symbol for the absolute absence of integrity, and through his desires oppose God’s will, is immediately charted to struggle with the ambitious pursuit of power. Moreover, Richard’s utmost willingness to sacrifice his integrity is elucidated through his manipulation of Lady Anne. The guise of affection displayed to Anne is shattered when Richard reveals through soliloquy that “[he] will not keep her long”, the absence of integrity further shaping his duplicitous facade through the deliberate use of dramatic irony. Right now you are using plot devices as your evidence. You need to use techniques instead - What compositional choices has Shakespeare made to communicate ideas about power and ambition? Capitalising on the duplicitous characterisation of Richard, Shakespeare introduces the virtuous foil character of Richmond to exemplify that the dismissal of one’s integrity in the pursuit of power will lead to unavoidable defeat. Richmond aligns himself with the goodness of God, and prays “that we may praise thee (God) in thy victory”, indicative that Richard will struggle against the power of God. Retell - If someone who has seen the play knows about what is in your sentence already, you've not analysed. Conversely, the 20th century notion secularism has allowed Pacino to portray Richard as the result of the desire of the self-made man, who in a world filled with corruption must concede their integrity to fulfill selfish motivations. I feel, given the length of this paragraph, you'd be better off splitting this into a separate paragraph with a new introduction, and concluding the previous one too. Perpetuating the need for integrity in a postmodern context, Pacino adopts the dual role of both director and actor, emulating the potential for duplicity in the “everyday” man and hence to potential to engage in the pursuit of power. Good, but not really a technique, I like it though. Hence, Pacino recognises the deprecation to one’s human psyche when integrity is absent, emphasising its relevance in his society. This duplicitous identity shaped by the absence of integrity is evident in Pacino’s remodelling of the opening soliloquy. The chiaroscuro lighting, accompanied by a close-up shot of Pacino’s livid facial expression as he spits out the phrase “son of York”, utilises shadow and light as a metaphor for duplicity. Could you explain this a little more? Seems a touch vague. Pacino then expounds this metaphor and likens Richard’s duplicity to 20th century “politicians, complete with their innuendos and lies”, allowing modern audiences to understand the endless struggle for power through a medium which they are familiar with. Nice reference to the contextual audience. Pacino, continues to use film techniques to portray Richard’s lack of integrity - in particular - the adaptation of the Lady Anne scene. Here, the costuming of Richard, in a black princely robe - connoting evil - is contrasted with the weeping Lady Anne in white. The deliberate colour scheme demonstrates the oblivion of Anne towards Richard’s intentions for power, infusing a sense of dramatic irony. In doing so, Pacino reflects on the 20th century, a society revolving around the power plays involved in Machiavellian politics, and draws parallels to Richard’s character. This works well. Technique, this is what it portrays to the audience. Nicely done. Your next step is to condense this analysis into fewer sentences! Despite this, Pacino still aims to forward the relevance of integrity in his context, evidenced through the closing sequence. Prospero metaphorically describes the world as an “insubstantial pageant”, reducing all the aspects of humanity down to the ambitious pursuit of power, resulting in a world where we “no longer feel”. Technique? As such, the parallels Pacino draws to King Richard III allow for a clear understanding of the everlasting importance of integrity and the detriments of its absence. This paragraph has isolated instances of excellent analysis, but there's a little too much retell, not a whole lot of techniques.
 
The unrestrained pursuit of power will inevitably cause individuals to concede their humility, and hence struggle with maintaining a sense of humanity and conscience. A sense of humility allows individuals to be content with themselves, resisting the temptations of power. Another nice conceptual start to a paragraph! The zeitgeist of Shakespeare’s theocentric Elizabethan Era was greatly defined by the notion of providentialism, a belief that one’s fate is tied to the will of God. Shakespeare accentuates Richard’s unrelenting desire for power, driven by the absence of humility through his betrayal of Hastings, a man characterised to exhibit the Christian virtues. Try not to use plot devices to demonstrate themes - It is all about techniques! Richard’s threatening tone as he accuses Hastings of being a  “ protector of this damned strumpet … a traitor” reinforces his callous behaviour as he eliminates threats to his usurpation of the throne. Be careful, assign all techniques (including tone and things done by characters) to the composer, Shakespeare made the choice for that line to be threatening. It is clear that Richard will readily discard relations with others - a fundamental aspect of humanity - in order to achieve power, indicative of the absence of humility and a clear violation of the Christian construct of providentialism as he disregards his preordained position in society. Good reference to context, but again, need a focus on techniques here! Redemption, which is fundamental to the Christian doctrine in allowing one to regain their humility, is forwarded by Shakespeare through the dream sequence, where Richard is given one last chance to repent during the foreshadowing of his demise. Retell. The repetition and alliteration of “despair and die” between several ghosts stimulates an ominous and treacherous picture of Richard’s fate, and despite this, he dismisses “O coward conscience” and any chance of embracing humility. We've included a technique here, but you are still just retelling the story. As such, Richard’s inevitable defeat arises from an absence of humility, a clear reflection of the dogma of providentialism existent in the 14th century. Conversely, Pacino recontextualises Richard’s motives as the product of postmodern emphasis on the unbridled search for power, ultimately to the detriment of one’s conscience. Again, I'd put this in a new paragraph. Just breaks the ideas up a little. To crystallise the importance of humility in a postmodern context, Pacino employs academic Emry Jones, who draws intertextual parallels between the betrayal of Hastings to the events which unfold in The Godfather, referring to Richard and Buckingham as “gangsters”. By likening these characters to a well-known American film trope, Pacino allows modern audiences to understand that the desire for power is truly timeless, and the inevitable struggles to maintain one’s humanity. Very effective analysis there. Excellent job. Moreover, the sequence of Richard’s coronation extensively demonstrates Richard’s struggle to maintain his humanity, as he recognises the destruction to his psyche wrought by the absence of humility. The voiceover of “The emptiness of it…” delves directly into Richard’s thoughts as he recognises he has become completely absolved of his conscience. Slipped back into the story and what characters are thinking here. Back to techniques! This prompts the audience to consider the struggles to maintain one’s sanity tied to the pursuit of power, reaffirming the importance of a sense of humility. Furthermore, the conviction of ghosts as a religious trope had largely eroded in the secular 20th century, with Pacino focusing more on the action of the Battle of Bosworth. The zoomorphic depiction of Richard as “a kind of boar” by an academic symbolises his deteriorating sense of humanity and sanity. Good. This is intertwined with scenes of the battle to reinforce the association of Richard’s physical downfall to the diminishing of his humanity, portraying a more secularist perspective on the importance of humility and it’s role in satiating the ambitious desire for power. Hence, despite a drastic shift in social prospects between Shakespeare’s Richard III and Pacino’s Looking for Richard, the emphasis on the static nature of humility and it’s importance is exemplified. I like the way you brought the argument together here. This section on Pacino's text is by far the strongest part of your essay.

Overall feedback:

- Nice setup and very clear concepts on show throughout. Was never in doubt what you were arguing, good job there.
- Emphasising the parallels between the texts was done quite nicely, and also comparing how the different audiences reacted was covered well.
- Too much retell, try and get rid of the bits where you just recap the story or discuss what we learn about characters. Characters are puppets and we don't care about them, we care what they show us about themes.
- More techniques!

I hope this helps! ;D

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1146 on: June 27, 2017, 10:45:08 pm »
I can! ;D

Spoiler
Q: The connections between King Richard III and Looking for Richard illuminate mankind’s endless struggle with the ambitious pursuit of power. To what extent is this true of the comparative study of William Shakespeare’s King Richard III and Al Pacino’s Looking for Richard?

Individuals embarking upon the ambitious pursuit of power will inevitably become entrapped in the machinations of corruption, often comprising their integrity and humility in the endless struggle for this sublime objective. Nice introduction. Conceptual, complex - I like it. A comparative study of Shakespeare’s historical tragedy King Richard III and Pacino’s meta-documentary Looking For Richard illuminates the extent of Richard’s aggressive pursuit of power as a direct consequence of the absence of the aforementioned values of integrity and humility, and the necessity of maintaining these values in cross-contextual societies in order to maintain one’s humanity. This introduction is a little bare bones. You need to address the part of the question about the CONNECTIONS between the two. Setting out your paragraph topics would also be beneficial.
 
The timeless struggle for the grasp of power has led society to question the importance and necessity of integrity, allowing for a duplicitous representation of King Richard III across several contexts. The value of integrity is intrinsic to the theocentric society of Shakespeare’s milieu as it enforces the Christian mindset of staying true to oneself in their thoughts and actions. Nice contextual reference, very important in Module A, any textual evidence that this context has impacted? Any Christian imagery/symbols? Hence, Shakespeare’s characterisation of Richard’s as duplicitous and manipulative illuminates the detriments to one’s humanity when integrity is dismissed, through Richard’s downfall. How was this characterisation achieved? Richard’s absence of integrity in his pursuit to achieve the crown of England is accentuated through Shakespeare's deliberate use of soliloquies to reveal Richard’s inner most thoughts. This is epitomised within the opening soliloquy where Shakespeare reveals to the audiences Richard’s “determination to prove a villain” in turn revealing his “subtle, false and treacherous” nature. What techniques are associated with these quotes? Right now you are just retelling the plot with dialogue. Thus, Shakespeare characterises Richard as a symbol for the absolute absence of integrity, and through his desires oppose God’s will, is immediately charted to struggle with the ambitious pursuit of power. Moreover, Richard’s utmost willingness to sacrifice his integrity is elucidated through his manipulation of Lady Anne. The guise of affection displayed to Anne is shattered when Richard reveals through soliloquy that “[he] will not keep her long”, the absence of integrity further shaping his duplicitous facade through the deliberate use of dramatic irony. Right now you are using plot devices as your evidence. You need to use techniques instead - What compositional choices has Shakespeare made to communicate ideas about power and ambition? Capitalising on the duplicitous characterisation of Richard, Shakespeare introduces the virtuous foil character of Richmond to exemplify that the dismissal of one’s integrity in the pursuit of power will lead to unavoidable defeat. Richmond aligns himself with the goodness of God, and prays “that we may praise thee (God) in thy victory”, indicative that Richard will struggle against the power of God. Retell - If someone who has seen the play knows about what is in your sentence already, you've not analysed. Conversely, the 20th century notion secularism has allowed Pacino to portray Richard as the result of the desire of the self-made man, who in a world filled with corruption must concede their integrity to fulfill selfish motivations. I feel, given the length of this paragraph, you'd be better off splitting this into a separate paragraph with a new introduction, and concluding the previous one too. Perpetuating the need for integrity in a postmodern context, Pacino adopts the dual role of both director and actor, emulating the potential for duplicity in the “everyday” man and hence to potential to engage in the pursuit of power. Good, but not really a technique, I like it though. Hence, Pacino recognises the deprecation to one’s human psyche when integrity is absent, emphasising its relevance in his society. This duplicitous identity shaped by the absence of integrity is evident in Pacino’s remodelling of the opening soliloquy. The chiaroscuro lighting, accompanied by a close-up shot of Pacino’s livid facial expression as he spits out the phrase “son of York”, utilises shadow and light as a metaphor for duplicity. Could you explain this a little more? Seems a touch vague. Pacino then expounds this metaphor and likens Richard’s duplicity to 20th century “politicians, complete with their innuendos and lies”, allowing modern audiences to understand the endless struggle for power through a medium which they are familiar with. Nice reference to the contextual audience. Pacino, continues to use film techniques to portray Richard’s lack of integrity - in particular - the adaptation of the Lady Anne scene. Here, the costuming of Richard, in a black princely robe - connoting evil - is contrasted with the weeping Lady Anne in white. The deliberate colour scheme demonstrates the oblivion of Anne towards Richard’s intentions for power, infusing a sense of dramatic irony. In doing so, Pacino reflects on the 20th century, a society revolving around the power plays involved in Machiavellian politics, and draws parallels to Richard’s character. This works well. Technique, this is what it portrays to the audience. Nicely done. Your next step is to condense this analysis into fewer sentences! Despite this, Pacino still aims to forward the relevance of integrity in his context, evidenced through the closing sequence. Prospero metaphorically describes the world as an “insubstantial pageant”, reducing all the aspects of humanity down to the ambitious pursuit of power, resulting in a world where we “no longer feel”. Technique? As such, the parallels Pacino draws to King Richard III allow for a clear understanding of the everlasting importance of integrity and the detriments of its absence. This paragraph has isolated instances of excellent analysis, but there's a little too much retell, not a whole lot of techniques.
 
The unrestrained pursuit of power will inevitably cause individuals to concede their humility, and hence struggle with maintaining a sense of humanity and conscience. A sense of humility allows individuals to be content with themselves, resisting the temptations of power. Another nice conceptual start to a paragraph! The zeitgeist of Shakespeare’s theocentric Elizabethan Era was greatly defined by the notion of providentialism, a belief that one’s fate is tied to the will of God. Shakespeare accentuates Richard’s unrelenting desire for power, driven by the absence of humility through his betrayal of Hastings, a man characterised to exhibit the Christian virtues. Try not to use plot devices to demonstrate themes - It is all about techniques! Richard’s threatening tone as he accuses Hastings of being a  “ protector of this damned strumpet … a traitor” reinforces his callous behaviour as he eliminates threats to his usurpation of the throne. Be careful, assign all techniques (including tone and things done by characters) to the composer, Shakespeare made the choice for that line to be threatening. It is clear that Richard will readily discard relations with others - a fundamental aspect of humanity - in order to achieve power, indicative of the absence of humility and a clear violation of the Christian construct of providentialism as he disregards his preordained position in society. Good reference to context, but again, need a focus on techniques here! Redemption, which is fundamental to the Christian doctrine in allowing one to regain their humility, is forwarded by Shakespeare through the dream sequence, where Richard is given one last chance to repent during the foreshadowing of his demise. Retell. The repetition and alliteration of “despair and die” between several ghosts stimulates an ominous and treacherous picture of Richard’s fate, and despite this, he dismisses “O coward conscience” and any chance of embracing humility. We've included a technique here, but you are still just retelling the story. As such, Richard’s inevitable defeat arises from an absence of humility, a clear reflection of the dogma of providentialism existent in the 14th century. Conversely, Pacino recontextualises Richard’s motives as the product of postmodern emphasis on the unbridled search for power, ultimately to the detriment of one’s conscience. Again, I'd put this in a new paragraph. Just breaks the ideas up a little. To crystallise the importance of humility in a postmodern context, Pacino employs academic Emry Jones, who draws intertextual parallels between the betrayal of Hastings to the events which unfold in The Godfather, referring to Richard and Buckingham as “gangsters”. By likening these characters to a well-known American film trope, Pacino allows modern audiences to understand that the desire for power is truly timeless, and the inevitable struggles to maintain one’s humanity. Very effective analysis there. Excellent job. Moreover, the sequence of Richard’s coronation extensively demonstrates Richard’s struggle to maintain his humanity, as he recognises the destruction to his psyche wrought by the absence of humility. The voiceover of “The emptiness of it…” delves directly into Richard’s thoughts as he recognises he has become completely absolved of his conscience. Slipped back into the story and what characters are thinking here. Back to techniques! This prompts the audience to consider the struggles to maintain one’s sanity tied to the pursuit of power, reaffirming the importance of a sense of humility. Furthermore, the conviction of ghosts as a religious trope had largely eroded in the secular 20th century, with Pacino focusing more on the action of the Battle of Bosworth. The zoomorphic depiction of Richard as “a kind of boar” by an academic symbolises his deteriorating sense of humanity and sanity. Good. This is intertwined with scenes of the battle to reinforce the association of Richard’s physical downfall to the diminishing of his humanity, portraying a more secularist perspective on the importance of humility and it’s role in satiating the ambitious desire for power. Hence, despite a drastic shift in social prospects between Shakespeare’s Richard III and Pacino’s Looking for Richard, the emphasis on the static nature of humility and it’s importance is exemplified. I like the way you brought the argument together here. This section on Pacino's text is by far the strongest part of your essay.

Overall feedback:

- Nice setup and very clear concepts on show throughout. Was never in doubt what you were arguing, good job there.
- Emphasising the parallels between the texts was done quite nicely, and also comparing how the different audiences reacted was covered well.
- Too much retell, try and get rid of the bits where you just recap the story or discuss what we learn about characters. Characters are puppets and we don't care about them, we care what they show us about themes.
- More techniques!

I hope this helps! ;D

Very helpful feedback, thank you very much!
Just wanted to ask about the structure of Mod A Essays, the students that scored well had a structure that had alternating scenes+techniques (i.e. Paragraph 1 is structured with Shakespeare Analysis 1, then corresponding Pacino analysis, then Shakespeare 2 and corresponding Pacino). However, mines was structured by exploring multiple Shakespeare analysis and then multiple Pacino analysis and I found it hard to address the "connections" component. What structure is recommended for Mod A in this case of question?
TIA

jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1147 on: June 27, 2017, 11:00:42 pm »
Very helpful feedback, thank you very much!
Just wanted to ask about the structure of Mod A Essays, the students that scored well had a structure that had alternating scenes+techniques (i.e. Paragraph 1 is structured with Shakespeare Analysis 1, then corresponding Pacino analysis, then Shakespeare 2 and corresponding Pacino). However, mines was structured by exploring multiple Shakespeare analysis and then multiple Pacino analysis and I found it hard to address the "connections" component. What structure is recommended for Mod A in this case of question?
TIA

You are welcome! ;D

I personally did a similar thing to you - Paragraphs that start with one and finish with the other. But I would throw in comparative phrases, like, "Similar to Pacino," or "in contrast to the perspective presented by Shakespeare," to get the connections in. Alternating between texts in a more fluid way also works! I don't think one is better than the other, I think it comes down to personal preference and writing style ;D

jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1148 on: June 27, 2017, 11:29:27 pm »
Hi, I have linked my hamlet essay. I got 16/20 for task 3 and I'm looking to improve it. This one is to quite a straightforward question. Thanks in advance!

Hey! I'll see what help I can give, essay attached with feedback in bold :)

Essay w/ Feedback
How does Shakespeare’s Hamlet use dramatic and literary techniques to explore ideas that continue to resonate with us today?

Through the use of dramatic and literary techniques, Shakespeare has created a metatheatrical play which would have resonated with Elizabethan audiences and which still resonates with us today. I'd prefer you to establish the ideas/themes that are resonating with us BEFORE hitting us with the technique stuff. Hamlet (1601) explores the hamartia of indecision as a man is confronted by a world in figurative decay and a change in the zeitgeist from the medieval to the humanist. Through the character of Hamlet, we see a man attempting to confront these realities in his existential search for meaning in order to come to an understanding of his role in the world and the nature of reality. In this way he embodies the human condition which has universal resonance. Oversall, a fairly strong introduction. Answers the question and sets up your themes well, I think it would be benefit from being a little longer :)

Shakespeare’s Hamlet explores the pertinent question of mortality and death as Hamlet is unable to understand his purpose and role in the world much like we do today. Solid introduction, be careful not to make these too character focused though. It should be more conceptual/thematic in its approach. Confronted by a world in constant change due to the murder of his father and the adultery of his mother, Hamlet sinks into deep melancholia and explores many of the questions that we still find significant today. Retell, be careful you aren't using the story to convey ideas! It is all about techniques. Initially, Hamlet questions why he is forced to suffer in this world “O God! O God! / How weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable/Seem to me all the uses of this world!” Retell. The use of soliloquy enhances a personal connection with the audience as we establish his reaction to his father’s death but the biblical reference shows Hamlet’s anger that god does not permit him to enter the afterlife through his suicide. Good audience reference, but this is just retelling the story a little bit, and soliloquy isn't really a technique. This is continued through the garden imagery: “That grows to seed. Things rank and gross in/nature” which shows how the “weeds” in society, the corruption, has led to him being in a position to kill himself decides that death is something to be wished “’tis a consummation/Devoutly to be wish’d.” Better in terms of technique, but still a very character focused approach. You aren't considering what the audience is shown about the theme more generally. But Hamlet ultimately comes to the opinion that it is “the dread of something after death,” which prevents people from killing themselves. Retell. Hamlet’s final view on death is in act 5 when he is holding a memento mori object, the skull of Yorick, “A fellow of infinite jest… and now/ how abhorred in my imagination it is,” reminding the audience, then and now, of our mortality. Retell. Enjambment is used to illustrate how Hamlet sees death as an equalising point as all that you have done before that is forgotten. Hamlet ultimately comes to the realisation that death is a final point of existence and as such, it makes no difference when we die so long as we are ready for it. Too character focused, Hamlet doesn't think anything, he is Shakespeare's puppet! Shakespeare explores this through the aphorism “If it be now, ‘tis not to come; if it be not to come, it will be now; if it be not now, yet it will come- the readiness is all.” Try and go for shorter quotes where you can - If only for your own benefit and ease :) Shakespeare continues to resonate with us today as Hamlet explores the difficulties of understanding mortality, a central aspect of the universal human condition. I'd swap the words Hamlet and Shakespeare in that sentence - It is the text Hamlet that resonates, as Shakespeare uses it to explore mortality.

Through the analysis of doubt and inaction, Shakespeare explores how humanist philosophy and overthinking overcomplicates simple action. Good, see how this is purely thematic? Better.  Hamlet sees man as “passion’s slave” unable to escape the will of murder and revenge however when he is given this task, he is unable to take fervent action. Retell. Hamlet begins to punish himself for his lack of action as he even sees actors in the play within a play “Murder of Gonzago” being more emotive than he is “why what an ass I am! This is most brave/that I, the son of the dear murdered…must like a whore unpack my heart with words”. Retell, see how you are just recalling some of Hamlet's actions? The use of animalistic imagery and irony convey Hamlet’s self-loathing as he forces himself to think about the consequences of his actions rather than to just act. Try and put the technique in the same sentence as the quote, purely for clarity for the marker. You don't want them to think you've missed a technique only to discover it later, keep it all in one spot. Hamlet uses the excuse of needing more evidence as a method to justify his procrastination as seen in the personification “catch the conscience of the king”. Retell. But even when he confirms Claudius is the killer “Now might I do it pat, now a is a-praying/and now I’ll do’t and so a goes to heaven and so am I revenged”, he is still unable to kill him as he uses another excuse, the fact that he is praying, to justify even more procrastination as seen by the enjambment “send/to heaven”. Retell. Shakespeare suggests that Hamlet is incapable of taking action, at least while he has time to over think the action. What does this show the audience about the theme? In act IV, Hamlet finally comes to the realisation that he must kill Claudius as otherwise he is “A beast, no more”. Retell. This is exemplified by the simile “Examples gross as earth exhort me”, which shows how his action in this instance requires no thought as seen by his final resolution “from this time forth/my thoughts be bloody or be nothing worth.” What does it show the audience about your theme more broadly? Although this is the case, even when he returns from England, he still doesn’t take decisive action until he is called to take action by Laertes which he replies “Let be” indicating that it is no longer his decision to take revenge but an external force. Retell. The use of Laertes as a foil and an example of the medieval philosophy of “an eye for an eye” is also shown through Shakespeare’s depiction of Fortinbras. He is shown to uphold a code of chivalry and takes action to avenge the death of his father even if it is irrational “The imminent death of twenty thousand men/that for a fantasy and trick of fame”. Shakespeare uses the metatheatrical nature of the play to analyse how Hamlet is aware of his shortcomings in inaction yet he is still incapable of making decisive action. Some good bits in this paragraph, but a large part of it is retelling the story and/or describing the experiences of the character of Hamlet. This isn't what you need. You need what Shakespeare is doing to convey ideas/perspectives to his audience, and how this resonates with us in the modern day.

Tensions between Hamlet’s struggle for the truth and authenticity in the world are opposed to widespread corruption which lead Hamlet to asking his and our existential questions about the nature of truth in the world. A little too character focused. Caught between ‘authentic’ and ‘responsible’ action, Hamlet remains “unpregnant” of his cause and thus puts on an “antic disposition” in order to figure out if Claudius actually killed King Hamlet. Retell. This is emblematic of the entire play as characters all place disguises to cover their true actions. Retell. Claudius presented himself as a virtuous king seen through the double entendre when a distraught Ophelia exits: “Follow her close; give her good watch, I pray you.” Retell. Although it appears as though he cares for Ophelia’s safety, he actually afraid of the political implications when others learn of Polonius’s death. Retell - Right now you are explaining the intricacies of the plot of the play, but it is still retell! The hiding of one’s true meaning is also seen in Polonius who although seems to be a moral person as seen by the aphorism: “This above all: to thine own self be true,” is actually being more concerned with his political standing than his children. Retell, describing a character. The use of threatrum mundi in which the characters of the play reflect the aspects of society causes Hamlet to play many roles in society from a mourner to a madman and his father’s avenger in an attempt to find the one that he sees as correct. This causes him to embody many of the roles in our society, enhancing Hamlet’s universality and why it continues to resonate with us today. It also causes Hamlet to embody a Montaignesque character as he becomes sceptical of everyone around him: “For they are actions that a man might play. /But I have that within which passeth show; /These but the trappings and the suits of woe.” As a result, Hamlet’s character and his world resonates with us today as we continue to question whether everyone is as genuine as they seem or if they have hidden motives. An easy way to tell this paragraph isn't analysing Shakespeare's choices, is that you've not used Shakespeare's name in this paragraph. Meaning, at no point did you acknowledge Shakespeare making a compositional choice (using a technique) to communicate ideas to his audience. This unfortunately means that nothing in this paragraph is answering the question directly.

Shakespeare’s Hamlet continues to resonate with us today as it explores the universal notion of the human condition by exploring the notions of death, authenticity and doubt. In doing so, Shakespeare constructs a character who undergoes immense suffering as he finds truth in his world and confronts his role in society.

The biggest piece of feedback I have on this essay is to avoid retell. Over half of your essay is exploring the plot of the play, the intricacies of the characters motives and experiences. This means you aren't exploring ideas, you are exploring characters. You need to abstract, take out all of the unnecessary plot details, and focus on techniques used by Shakespeare to convey his perspectives. So, Shakespeare uses TECHNIQUE in QUOTE to SHOW SOMETHING, and the audience today responds to that in this way. Thus, it resonates with us. Or something similar to that sort of structure.

I think the ideas you have are strong, but you've explored them in a way that is too text focused and too character focused. Good news is that is the easier thing to fix out of the two!! ;D

My comments throughout should cover the rest of my feedback, the retell thing is the big one. Hopefully this helps! Let me know if I can clarify anything for you :)

Wales

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1149 on: June 28, 2017, 12:56:43 am »
Hey Wales! My turn - Hopefully this last minute feedback is useful :)

Spoiler
Politics illustrates the ultimate powerlessness of ordinary people.
To what extent is this view represented in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?


Dystopian texts are an hyperbolic representation of the state of political affairs in contemporary societies. Composers of such texts utilise the conflicting human ethics of a dystopic society with the goal of exposing the disturbing ideas of human manipulation in order to depict the underlying powerlessness of the citizens. Love the start to your Thesis paragraph, excellent backdrop of dystopian texts in general. Be sure to use commas to break ideas up into manageable chunks. By ascribing the ideology of power and control to an applicable medium, composers invite audiences to understand the concealed truths behind political actions, as represented in a dystopian, literary world. Great. Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World (1932) investigates the dystopian themes of inculcation, dehumanisation and totalitarianism while Oliver Stone’s biographical political thriller Snowden (2016) represents the modern political agenda of being omnipotent and manipulative. Both texts explore the effect of advancing technology on the relationship between people and politics, as well as exercising the similar themes of power and manipulation to create a totalitarian and dystopic society where individuals are stripped of their intrinsic autonomy. Great introduction, I'd manipulate the wording of your last sentence a little to make it SUPER CLEAR you are answering the question. But otherwise, good work :)
 
Politicians endeavour to deprive the intrinsic individuality of the citizens in order to create a conformist state as a response for their insatiable desire for power. Great concept. The World States thirst for power to control and manipulate the population is revealed through satire of the production line which represents the relationship between technological advancements and politics. Be sure to inform the reader you are discussing Huxley's text, keep the flow logical. Huxley exaggerates the impact of a society founded consumerism with the religious parody “Sign of the T” and substitute for profanity “Oh Ford” signifying the quixotic nature of the populace by juxtaposing the divine with a consumerist parody. Excellent analysis of techniques. The nihilistic nature of a totalitarianistic society is illustrated by the desire to control the spiritual elements of humanity representing the lacking autonomous desire of individuals. Remember to use commas - I'm having to re-read a few sentences to properly process your ideas. They are great ideas, but make sure the marker doesn't have to do any work to interpret them. Huxley appeals to the audience by challenging the ethos of the 1930’s through the inversion of values epitomised in the hypnopaedia and conditioning process with the end objective of a conformist state. Watch that you don't rely too much on plot elements to convey your ideas. The intellectual conformity characterised through the high modal phrase “I’m really awfully glad I’m not a beta” results in a diminishment of the intrinsic autonomous nature of children in order to create an atmosphere that exemplifies the World State’s idealistic visions of autocratic rule and capitalist consumerist world space where a loss of individuality is imminent. Commas. Huxley’s italicised text “But these suggestions are our suggestions” is a deceptive representation of the World State’s ethos due to the assertive nature of the leaders and their forcing of ideologies upon individuals. What impact would this have on the audience? Be sure to make this final step, what does the audience learn or what new understanding is presented to us? By capitalising on the ethos of the 20th century Huxley represents the ultimate power of the conditioning process in the technocratic paradigm of the World State and accentuates the limited intellectual freedoms of the citizens. Strong paragraph with excellent conceptual ideas, well argued. Good job.
 
Snowden captures the phantasmic political ideology of security and manipulation, dramatising them to demonstrate the abuse of power in intergovernmental organisations, evoking a conscientious understanding of the ineffectual position of citizens. Fantastic introduction. Stone depicts the impunity of the Government with the extreme closeup shot of the CIA Director telling Edward “your girlfriend isn’t sleeping with that photographer friend of hers” portraying an abuse of authority and invasion of privacy by prying into the personal life of a citizen, contradicting the Civil Liberty of the right to be secure hence promoting the autocratic power of the state in order to construct a conformist society. Again, commas - I feel your sentences and frequently just a phrase too long. Work on being succinct and choosing words carefully to cut your overall count down. The subsequent low light closeup of Edwards despairful expression is an aesthetic representation of his powerlessness after having his human rights violated and reiterates his ethical conflict of data collection with the state’s actions. Be careful not to focus too much on what we learn about characters in the text - They are just puppets for larger ideas. What does the audience learn about powerlessness more generally? Stone capitalises upon the innocence of citizens through Edwards dialogue “ which people?, the whole kingdom Snow White”. The intertextual reference and closeup shot of Edwards conflicted expression alludes to the intrinsic innocence of Edward and reinforces the supremacy of the state through their phantasmic promotion of national security as a service to the people. Stone appeals to the ethos of the 21st century by meticulously exposing the duplicitous dichotomy of national security and privacy uncovering the States ubiquitous manipulation of the people. Another strong paragraph, excellent work.   
 
To achieve the ultimate goal of a utopian society clandestine actions are taken in order to acquire the desired result of happiness where the government yearns for axiomatic rule over the people in order to manipulate them. Commas. Huxley opposes the traditional approach to oppression by exploiting the happiness of citizens and subverting the connatural structure of human life with scientific means evident in the satire of the mass production line. Commas - Your ideas are fantastic, but I'm working quite hard to group things in the right way here. Huxley leaves the citizens in a vulnerable state whereby the state inculcates capital consumerist ideologies such as the cliche “ignorance is bliss” implying that if one is not educated they cannot be troubled. A little too plot focused here I think? Not really any techniques. The ideology of ignorance is reflected in the hypnopaedic conditioning phrase “a gramme is better than a damn” furthering the consumerist ideals of “Community, Identity and Stability” and instant gratification as a prerequisite to achieve happiness. Stone proposes the US Government exercises the similar ideology of ignorance through the extreme closeup of Edward's distraught face when saying “what’s keeping you safe is that you don’t know anything” which contrasts the Huxleyan idea of keeping the populace ignorant and deprived of autonomy. Isn't this the same idea though? Like, ignorance is safety/bliss, do they not support each other in this way? Further displays of the Government dogmas of control and manipulation through the cameo appearance of Obama juxtaposed with the political satire poster “Big brother is watching you” which seeks to exemplify the sensationalist nature of journalism suggesting the oppressive disposition of modern political agendas. Commas. The intertextual allusion to Orwell’s 1984 represents the Government’s oppressive approach to attaining control through fear and parallels the similar dystopian notion of power which Stone reiterates in the low angle shots of Edward conversing with his superiors signifying his state of powerlessness whilst under the government’s jurisdiction. Commas. By understanding the evocative mediums of representation and contrasting the Huxleyan approach to control of ignorance against Stone’s technological crisis the audience is able understand the oppressive nature of politics on the citizens. This paragraph particularly, your ideas are getting lost in your expression. Try and keep things simple - You have a strong vocabulary and great ideas, but I was yearning for shorter sentences and more organised ideas. What is there is great but it isn't presented in a way an exhausted marker will be receptive to at 10pm while their kids are screaming in the background.
    
As composers are inevitably influenced by their social and political contexts, the representation of the relationship between people and politics is inherently subjective. Excellent. Both the Stone and Huxleyan interpretations of political control represents the dark thematics of a dystopian world space where a lack of autonomous desire and powerlessness overrides the populace. Good conclusion - A little short but I think it accomplishes what it needs to.

Overall comments:

- Techniques and ideas are, on the whole, fantastic
- You need to tidy up expression. Simplify and shorten your sentences, watch for redundant phrases and little bits of plot info you can cut. Use commas often, your sentences are way too long not to have them (don't worry, mine were long too, commas solve all issues!)
- Be careful that your analysis is focusing on audience impact. At times it went back a step to what we learn about characters/world spaces, which isn't the focus. Keep things conceptual and thematic.

Hope this helps ;D

Awesome :D

I'm actually kinda impressed that I was able to fix up most of the errors you pointed out before I saw the feedback :P I needed affirmation that my concepts were grounded well and you've helped strengthen that.

Appreciate your work as always :)

Cheers, Wales
Heavy Things :(

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1150 on: June 29, 2017, 06:07:37 pm »
Hi, could I get some feedback on this essay? It is for Module C People and Politics on The Crucible and it got a 13/20. The feedback I got said I had clear line of argument and structure but I needed to have a more insightful interpretation of Danforth and to talk about characters in more depth. A related text wasn't used but it needed to be linked to Miller's context (which I didn't get any feedback on). Thanks!

winstondarmawan

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1151 on: July 04, 2017, 04:03:47 pm »
Hey, just wanted to know what if we just wanted some parts of our essay marked and not the full thing? Does it still constitute 15 points?

jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1152 on: July 04, 2017, 04:20:38 pm »
Hey, just wanted to know what if we just wanted some parts of our essay marked and not the full thing? Does it still constitute 15 points?

We're happy for you to post a paragraph for feedback and you won't need the 15 posts ;D

winstondarmawan

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1153 on: July 04, 2017, 04:32:16 pm »
Okay so I have my thesis and topic sentences for this question, just wanted to know if these make sense and work.
Q: Critically evaluate how texts represent the idea that the various landscapes in our lives shape our sense of self and our relationships.
Thesis:
Perspectives concerning the various real, remembered and imagined landscapes which encompass our lives vary between individuals. Thus, it is our reaction to and experiences within these landscapes that truly shape sense of self and relationships, the landscape only acting as a catalyst.
Topic sentence 1 (Clay): A composer’s representation of the tension between urban and natural landscapes reflects the inner struggle within the individual as they determine the landscapes they wish to engage in, ultimately shaping their sense of self and relationships.
Grounding: Harrison encapsulates aspects of her own experiences in rural England into each character in her urban-pastoral novel Clay, each with different attitudes about the various landscapes they inhabit.
Topic sentence 2 (After the Storm): The unequivocal power of nature to reform the landscapes around us catalyses an individual’s stronger understanding of themselves and their relationships as they are exposed to unfamiliar landscapes and situations.
Grounding: Combining his proficiency at film making with a deep-rooted connection to his home state of Alabama in his interactive documentary After the Storm, Grace explores the capacity of nature to reclaim the landscapes overtaken by urban expansion, highlighting the inescapable co-existence of humanity and nature.
Topic sentence 3 (Clay + After the Storm): An individual’s yearning of certain real, remembered or imagined landscapes arises from a composer’s representation of the inadequacy of other landscapes to shape a positive sense of self and relationships.

jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1154 on: July 04, 2017, 04:47:22 pm »
Hi, could I get some feedback on this essay? It is for Module C People and Politics on The Crucible and it got a 13/20. The feedback I got said I had clear line of argument and structure but I needed to have a more insightful interpretation of Danforth and to talk about characters in more depth. A related text wasn't used but it needed to be linked to Miller's context (which I didn't get any feedback on). Thanks!

Hey bearbear! I've attached your essay below with feedback in bold:

Essay With Feedback
Representations of politics often reveal the relationship between authority and its impact on people. How has Arthur Miller represented this relationship and its impact in The Crucible?

Representations of politics within a text often reflects a composer’s context and is a criticism of political motives and authority, and the impacts they have on individuals and society. That sentence is perhaps a tad too long ('and' used twice), however, good start. I'd split into two to properly flesh out both parts of the sentence. Authority enable individuals to obtain power and how they use that power will influence its impact on people. Expression issue here, not quite sure of the idea you are presenting. Power can be abused, resulting in fear, hysteria and rebellion, however, power can be also used to fight against injustice and promote the truth. Arthur Miller’s allegorical play, The Crucible (1953), explores the relationship between authority and it’s impact on society and individuals using the Salem witch trials of 1692 and his own political context of McCarthyism in 1950s America. Exactly what ideas is Miller going to present through the text? Right now the ideas you are exploring are a little vague, try and set up specific themes/ideas Miller covers in this introduction.

The way in which power is used can be influenced by an individual’s context and political events and situations. These and events can often be turbulent which can cause dissent amongst society. When this occurs it causes those in authority to tighten control and exert their power more forcefully, which can cause hysteria and rebellion. This is seen through the character of Deputy Governor Danforth who abuses his power by convicting the innocent with no concrete evidence. Don't use plot details/character description as evidence - You need to use techniques. Danforth is determined to stamp out the threat of witchcraft and this is shown when he says “we burn a hot fire here: it melts down all concealment.” Retell, see how you are just telling me what the character said? The violent imagery of this statement shows his determination but it is also ironic as Danforth is seeking the truth even though he himself is deeply corrupt. Try not to discuss character dialogue as if it is their dialogue, it is MILLER who makes these choices. All techniques should be attributed to Miller. Danforth maintains the perception that what he is doing is “just”, when in reality he is abusing his authority and power by threatening Mary Warren to confess saying, “Do you know who I am? I say you will hang if you do not open with me!” Retell. The use of the rhetorical question shows Danforth harshly reminding Mary of his authoritative position and by threatening her he shows how he is abusing his power. Retell/character description, you aren't really exploring the themes here, but characters! You need to approach it more conceptually. Danforth also abuses his power by refusing to listen to the dissenting views of those who are trying to expose the truth. Retell. He accuses these individuals of being disloyal to the court by saying “a person is either with this court or against it, there is no road in between.” Retell. This statement shows how intolerant and controlling Danforth is. This abuse of power leads to innocent people being sent to their death, causing chaos in Salem. Retell. Miller uses this to mirror his political context of McCarthyism. In both of these political situations, innocent people were wrongly accused with no concrete evidence or proof of wrongdoing. Miller was significantly affected by the McCarthy trials as he himself was targeted and the Salem community was essentially destroyed. American authorities feared and were paranoid that communists would infiltrate society and as a result abused their authority and power to stamp out the threat. These events exemplify how political situations can cause individuals to abuse their power and how it negatively impacts society. Good link to context, but you've not done much more than talk about the similarities between the events in the text and the events in Miller's context. You need more - What are Miller's ideas and how were THEY influenced by his context. How is the context obvious in the techniques Miller uses?

While the abuse of power and authority can negatively impact society, it can cause some to rebel against those in power by promoting the truth and fighting against the injustice. In the Crucible, the character of John Proctor demonstrates how the abuse of power can cause some to act out against those in authority. This is a good start, and it seems more conceptual than the previous paragraph so far. Proctor is a well respected individual in the Salem community but has no official authority. Back to retell - Always ask, does anyone who has read the text know what I'm about to say? One individual that Proctor rebels against is Reverend Parris, claiming that he only ‘preach hellfire and bloody damnation’. Retell. The imagery of ‘hellfire’ and ‘bloody damnation’ shows Proctor’s distrust for Parris as he believes the minister is corrupt. Proctor also rebels against the court as has the power to expose the truth to save his wife and end the witch hunt, however, the court has become corrupt, preventing him from being able remedy the injustice. Proctor shows how corrupt the court has become in this statement, ‘vengeance is walking Salem….the little crazy children are jangling the keys of the kingdom, and common vengeance writes the law!’. The personification and repetition of ‘vengeance’ reveals the injustice of the witch trials as they are based on revenge rather than truth and is symbolic of Abigail's revenge. You are doing a great job identifying a variety of techniques, but you are using them to analyse the plot more than you are the concept in a more universal way. It also shows through the imagery of ‘children jangling the keys’ the reversal of power roles as the girls who made accusations of witchcraft suddenly have the power to convict the innocent with the point of their finger, despite their lack of authority. Retell. This further reinforces how the court is abusing it’s power and as a result Proctor becomes a victim of this abuse as the truth is ignored. Retell. Proctor believed that by confessing the truth he could protect Elizabeth, even stating ‘Do that which is good, and no harm shall come to thee.’ However, this statement reflects the irony of the situation as Proctor has done what is ‘good’ by exposing the truth, but has come to harm as is forced to confess publicly or give his life. Danforth ignores the truth that has been exposed by repeatedly refusing to postpone the hangings by stating, "There will be no postponement" and "postponement now speaks a floundering on my part..." as he believes acknowledging the truth will undermine his authority. Retell. This is reflective of Miller’s context as he had been charged with contempt of congress after he had refused to name the individuals who he had attended a meeting with as they were alleged communist writers. There was no consideration about the truth of the meeting and Miller was charged by accusations. Miller had become a victim of the abuse of power which prompted him to speak out against the mass conformity and the lack of personal opinion of his time. He expressed this through writing The Crucible as a criticism of his personal political context and the impact that authority has on society. In both these situations it is demonstrated that the abuse of power can cause individuals to rebel in order to promote the truth and fight injustice. This is a slightly better reference to context, but try not to spend many sentences retelling the details. It should be a faster, more integrated reference: "The use of THIS technique demonstrates Miller's opposal to mass conformity, strongly reflective of Miller's personal legal battles." Or similar to that. Quick, powerful, and related primarily to the theme!

Arthur Miller uses The Crucible and it’s key characters to represent the relationship between  authority and it’s impacts individuals and society. He demonstrates how power can be abused by those in positions of authority which results in fear and hysteria. Miller also reveals how the abuse of power can cause some to rebel against authority to expose the truth and fight injustice. The Crucible and McCarthyism in the 1950’s, provide valuable insight into the power of accusation and reveals the link between authority and abuse of power and how this impact individuals and society.

Overall my main comments (focusing on the feedback you received):

- I agree, your structure was clear and the way you explained your concepts was direct. At all times I knew what your argument was. Good job there!
- Great work on techniques too!
- When asked to talk about characters "in more depth," I interpret that as discussing them in a more thematic way. So, shifting away from descriptions of their actions and the techniques that appear in their dialogue, and shifting instead to how Miller portrays those characters to represent themes. Right now you are sort of doing, "This is what happened, and this sort of shows us this about the character in terms of power." Instead, it needs to be, "Miller wants to show this, and it reflects this aspect of context, and he constructs this character in this way to show us that." It is subtle but it is important!
- On context, try and integrate it more seamlessly. Smaller, more meaningful references throughout do more for you than a big description at the end of the paragraph, because doing it at the end feels more separate and doesn't put everything together quite as effectively :)

Hopefully these thoughts plus my comments throughout are helpful! Let us know if we can be of any more help ;D