Writing out the nonsense in my head.

[heids]

With the weather warming up, I've started absolutely dripping with sweat during practice.  I've always been a great exerciser in winter and a couch potato in summer, because I dislike the heat so much.  That's going to change this year, but it'll be a struggle to figure out how to enjoy yoga with weather in the 30s.

(On the plus side, was able to get my arms through my lotus knee cracks and do garbha pindasana properly for the first time because the coating of sweat let them slide right through 😂😅😧)

One of the niyamas (observances/principles) in yoga is tapas - the fire of self-discipline.  It celebrates the heat, both literally and figuratively, physically and spiritually, as a way to purify oneself through discomfort.  I'm really not keen on grappling with this... do not like pushing myself out of my comfort zone.

I have so many doubts about myself, tbh.  I feel like I'm not disciplined enough and like I don't have enough distress tolerance to make myself continue through unpleasantness, and am therefore not "good enough" for yoga.  I see myself as kind and loving, but not very strong or self-controlled or good at dealing with hardship.

Gotta remind myself that yoga is about starting wherever you are and working for that, not expecting perfection.  Its goal is to strengthen you, rather than expecting you to be strong from the get go.  It's okay.  I'm okay.

[heids]

Just had a hard (and late!) session.  No reason, I was just anxious and my mind chattering.

("You need to be looking at the right thing and being aligned properly and relaxing into the pose while still remaining firm and maintaining your bandhas (i.e. engaging pelvic floor and lower abdomen) and breathing freely and smoothly and through your chest rather than shallowly through your nostrils and feeling peace and concentration in the pose and you're not achieving all or any of this so you're no good at yoga and you're not doing it properly and you're forming bad habits and will never be half decent at yoga and without a teacher you're sure to fuck up badly and look now you're resting you lazy piece of shit and you deserve to be sliced into several hundred pieces and fed to the dogs and...")

Despite accepting these as just ego-based thoughts and feelings, and keeping breathing, and reminding myself that I've only been practicing ashtanga for three months which makes me an absolute newbie, and that objectively I'm a decent human being, my brain was still running wild.

That's life.  Tomorrow is another day, and I got on the mat (carpet lol) and practiced despite all, which is an absolute success.

It's okay to fuck up, okay to not be perfect, and okay to struggle with this imperfection.  You hear that, Heidi?! hahahaha

[heids]

I've been really noticing the effects of perspective, and how much it's not about the content of your life, but the context, or the way you see it.

I've always known this, but yoga has just made it more real, and something I actually WANT to do.

For instance:

You're driving, and the way you choose to go happens to be full of traffic, plus a couple of loons cut in front of you.  Fuck them, fuck everything!

Buttttt hang on.  You just took an extra... three minutes driving, maybe?  Three minutes.  It's not seventeen years.  And it's not like you lost three minutes of your life - you had those three minutes in the car to spend as you wish.  You can spend them meditatively - patiently - kindly - breathing steadily.  In doing so, those three minutes become really valuable; you're practicing yoga in those minutes, and growing as a person, and finding peace in difficulty.
I've been applying this to all sorts of things.  I have to stand up in the train or walk further?  Good exercise.  I have to wait longer for something?  I can stretch my body and breathe for a bit.  I have to deal with annoying people?  Character development.

It's self-evident and maybe eye-roll material, and I'm in no way condemning being annoyed when things go wrong (I still am all the time hahaha ).

But... it makes you happier and kinder.  I'm glad I'm working (very slowly lol) towards being more conscious of perspective.

[heids]

These thoughts of Gregor Maehle replace mine today.   Well worth a read; a reminder of how dependent we are on external supports, rather than internal strength.

"By living a simple life without extremes and without constantly yielding to my desires, my mind is concentrated and focused.  On the other hand, if I follow the call of this world to 'spoil yourself', 'treat yourself', 'pamper yourself', I communicate to my mind that I am not in charge of my life.  Rather, I cement the belief that a constant stream of external stimulation and sensory satisfaction has to occur for me to keep my mental equilibrium - which means I am not in charge of my life but am a slave to my needs and desires.

"To wake up to the truth that I need nothing at all to be internally happy, that in fact constantly following external stimuli separates me from myself, is tapas.  Austerity* will make us strong, whereas gluttony and decadence weaken.  The more we believe we need certain things, the more we will be dependent on them.  The simpler we can be, the freer we will be."

*yoga doesn't support extreme austerity or asceticism; balance, the middle path, is yoga

[heids]

It's been a while since I posted!  I've been away without internet, and thus spending all my time reading and thinking and practicing yoga, so... let's just say everyone who knows me is sick of the word yoga hahaha.

Today imma share something I learnt about myself over the last week.

Beyond all the layers of self-hate, self-doubt and shame at the surface, right at the very core, I actually trust myself.  Not trust that I always act from good motives (I don't) or don't make mistakes (I do), but a base level of belief that I am genuine, and genuinely love and care for others and want their best.

I think that's why I remain idealistic.  I trust that some others are good to the core, because I trust that I myself am.

I definitely doubt this often, and wonder if my faith in myself is just me deluding myself and I'm actually a shitty blind egotistical wart, but I'm pretty sure that foundation of trust is there and has always been there.

I want to work to maintain this core belief in my own integrity, by acting as much as possible from alignment and integrity.  Every time I lie, deceive, flatter, or behave against my values, it feels like I'm pulling out a small stone from that solid foundation of genuine self-trust, and I need that foundation.

<3

[zofromuxo]

Integrity/Honesty/Trust. I have a terrible relationship with this concept up on till Year 12.

I still recall the days, when I didn't act in my best interest because I was afraid of doing so and thought deceit was the better option.

To cut a long story short, it was only until I was called in by my co-ordinator for a note I left for a teacher crying out for help. That I realised that lying wasn't helping me at all because what happens is that if you do it long enough like I certainly did. You can't tell what is true and what isn't, you can't tell if your own words you speak are the truth or not. You are like gaslighting yourself.

So yes, I absolutely agree that one should align to integrity and the truth in their every waking moment because the alternative is a hell unlike another.

[heids]

I still recall the days, when I didn't act in my best interest because I was afraid of doing so and thought deceit was the better option.

Being honest and vulnerable can be scary. as. hell.  Gratz on getting through this barrier!
I love how you need nothing external to practice yoga and change your life.  It's free.  It's simple.  Not easy, but simple.

I have no mat, no official yoga clothes, no props, no studio classes, no gym admission, no personally owned books.  (Ofc at first I needed teaching, which I got from YouTube and library books, but now it lives in my mind). 

I just need a flat space, my body and my mind.

I have many poses and sequences and breathings and philosophies stored in my brain, available at any time.  I know the order of my full 90min practice session down to the breath count.  First thing out of bed, during a break at work, if it's cold and I want to get warm, if I'm stressed, or if I've been at the computer too long - I do a couple of impromptu sun salutations or whatever on the spot. 

It resets me, body and mind, so simply.

Finding health and happiness and growth can be simple and free.  It requires consistency and dedication and hard work, but is accessible to all.

Hint hint: IT'S THE SAME WITH HSC/VCE; buying lots of stuff and going to lots of lectures and tutoring and whatever doesn't win a good ATAR. Actually putting in the work does.  For that you need nothing fancy: just your mind and body and lots of paper, digital or otherwise.

[heids]

Yoga and food.  *confession time*

In yoga, food is simply a means to look after your body.  It's not about looks or acceptance from others or being a good person by eating well - or about self-punishment, as I've been using it (through starving or binging to extremes out of self-hate).

Despite this, I've been eating terribly unhealthily.  I'm talking full blocks of chocolate, full packets of chips, in one sitting, very often (and trust me, a binge looks far worse than that).

I've been taking food from the pantry secretively, esp when my parents are out, and buying junk food and eating it in secret... which totally violates yoga's practices (niyamas) of non-stealing, non-greed and truth (asteya, aparigraha and satya, for other sanskrit-minded weirdos hehe).

I'm so ashamed.

But I'm practicing just sitting with it.  It's not the end of the world.  Bad habits are fixable over time, and I'm hardly expected to become a miraculously perfect human being just because I've started yoga!   

I'm a work in progress.  Yoga tells me that's okay.

[heids]

A reminder to self that every minute is an opportunity to practice.

Every moment can be valuable, in terms of living with more patience, kindness, awareness, presence.  "Bad" times when I feel shitty and distinctly non-yogic are especially valuable moments of practice.  A "bad day" isn't a bad or wasted day; it's a day of growth even if it feels like I'm going backwards.  Time "uselessly" spent (e.g. in a queue) is opportunity for practice and presence.

The struggles are real parts of life, not the parts you get through to reach life.

forgive me for waffling in such a positive-psychology-catch-phrases style: despite sounding fluffy these are genuine truths I'm tying to engrain in my head

[heids]

Thinking about incorporating yoga in the long run is making me question so many things.

In ashtanga yoga, the style of yoga I've been doing, you commit to six days a week of intense, strict, 1-2 hour sessions.  Of course I'm free to mix and match as I choose, but I'm very drawn to this disciplined approach.  So I'm figuring out how to fit something that long and intense into daily life, when daily life includes a full time job and friendships and other commitments.

It's making me ask "why" to a lot of things that I take for granted in a day (including yoga!)

It's an ongoing process of asking why I do each thing, and whether it helps or harms.  I want to both give to others as much and effectively as possible, while keeping my own well full.  I have much to learn!

[heids]

I reckon we all have the answers to life inside - it's just hidden behind a whole lot of junk (materialism, hatred, addiction, ego, etc).

Like, we all know:
- not to compare ourselves with others
- material possessions don't gain happiness
- being kind helps make us happy
- we should breathe more often
- if we lived (approximately) as though this was our last day, we'd live better
etc.

But in the rush of life all these things get buried and we forget them.

This is what yoga is to me: clearing away the junk, trying to be mindful of these principles more often, and realising that we don't need to look outside for the answers.  (I've noticed that one of my forms of materialism/desire is always wanting another book or article or YouTube video that will teach me more, when actually, I already know the simple truths that matter.  Trying to cut down my thirst for more, more, more, and instead focus on practicing what I already have!)

Does anyone have any ways they try to remember truths - e.g. to breathe consciously more often during the day - as often as possible?

[heids]

Believe it or not, I now actually have some arm muscles and abs lol. First time in my life.

I love how yoga is building strength.  I've always been a stereotypically feminine person, physically and mentally, which tends to correspond more to flexibility.  Yoga is *starting* to balance me out by adding physical strength, which makes flexibility safer and more supported - and I'm hoping to develop greater mental strength (e.g. maintaining boundaries and limits with others, as opposed to bending over backwards and not telling the truth in tricky situations).

Balance, balance, balance!

[heids]

I feel like current society focuses on visible, sexy, dramatic, showy, immediate gestures and changes.  Consistent, persistent, small, invisible work isn't celebrated, and yet I feel it's the only way to actually make change, and so much more heroic and challenging lol.

A push to achieve too quickly is advertised as wonderful and achievable, but I reckon it's more often ineffective and harmful, e.g. in strength-building, it causes injury, and in diet, it causes dangerous yo-yo dieting. 

Real change or results (in weight, fitness, friendships, relationships, study, kindness, courage, etc)
seems to me to happen imperceptibly over a longer period of time, which can be really discouraging when you can't see results, and when you have to keep it up every single day.

Sooooo, trying to remind myself  that consistency in the long run may be far harder and far less sexy, but it's far more effective and honest.

[heids]

I've long believed it's very important to admit mistakes rather than get defensive... so mostly, I freely admit to errors I make, though on the spot I can get defensive if I don't take a second to think.

But still some errors or ignorances are very hard to admit for no apparent reason.  Yesterday at work I had to do a simple, common task that I've avoided so far because I didn't know how to do it.  I had to swallow my pride and ask another worker (who isn't "as good a worker" as me - what an ego I have! - and hasn't been there as long).  The simple sentence, "mate, could you show me how to do this?" was stupidly hard to say.  Yoga made me ask it.

Gotta try and be more conscious of the things I try to hide, even while I'm very easily open about some things.

[zofromuxo]

I've long believed it's very important to admit mistakes rather than get defensive... so mostly, I freely admit to errors I make, though on the spot I can get defensive if I don't take a second to think.

But still some errors or ignorances are very hard to admit for no apparent reason.  Yesterday at work I had to do a simple, common task that I've avoided so far because I didn't know how to do it.  I had to swallow my pride and ask another worker (who isn't "as good a worker" as me - what an ego I have! - and hasn't been there as long).  The simple sentence, "mate, could you show me how to do this?" was stupidly hard to say.  Yoga made me ask it.

Gotta try and be more conscious of the things I try to hide, even while I'm very easily open about some things.

Don't push yourself too hard heidi. Humans always make mistakes, don't punish yourself to hard for these mistakes.
I'm sure it won't get to that stage, but be careful not to be too critical of yourself on these mistakes.
It can be just as harmful and even more so then not being conscious of the mistakes you made.