Building a happier me and finding sense!

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After reading Calebark’s journal and heidi’s thread, I’ve decided to *try* do a journal too. I guess I shall help with that ahem.. pesky stigma concerning mental illness (Kudos to Calebark for starting). Actually, it's something  I wanted to do for a while but didn't quite have the faith to and just sat on for a while.

Just like him, I’ve had struggled a bit with depression and anxiety as well for quite a few years too.  Long story short, my childhood was somehow troubled (Just school issues and a quite dysfunctional relationship with my parents), a very conflicted university journey and tinnitus (horrid high pitched noises in the ear.. which has just done "wonders" for me, by keeping me up awake at 2am.). Trust me when I say this.. tinnitus is actually really horrible. I'll leave it at that for now, because I'm not so comfortable sharing too much, but yeah...

Everything's still a bit of a mess and I am still under the weather but I’m still surviving. I want to be more than just surviving in life, I want to be flourishing at it =). On the bright side I'm glad to have some sort of support (you know who you are) and a few people that I can turn when I don't feel so fine. I have also taken up some AN writing to distract my bad thoughts.

I guess I’ll be just be talking about the good experiences, the bad, the issues etc. I suppose it’ll be more like a journal that makes sure that I’m moving doing something about all of this. Not sure how this’ll go, but I’ll see!

PS. I’ve never really been one to really publish my thoughts, but I guess this will sorta be the only serious/personal thing that I’ll post online  (well super serious for my standards anyway). I’ll *try* to add in something positive every post/week =)

Side note: To the current ANers... please please value your ears, because the silence is truly deafening (especially when you're trying to sleep!!!) You can't go back after destroying your ears!

[The Special One]

I too have tinnitus from a severe ear infection  that  untreated for a month.

I've learned to live with it but I would definitely rather not have it.

Bit hard off hearing in that ear too, I know some describe Tinnitus as ringing but I have the same high pitched noise version.

It really blows.

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Post 1
Over the past few days, met my friends and it was fun, but something bothered me a lot, everyone's going to places that I haven't been going to ~

I'm not sure if I've just lazy or not as smart but I feel as though I am such an underachiever in amongst my family and my peers. Most of my peers have achieved so much in their short lives:
- Full time job
- Many Interns
- Grad job lined up
- Been to places and back

I feel as though in this competitive world, I'm not doing enough

It's definitely not a nice feeling to have when your parents expect more from you (given your age), and that when you look around you, everyone is going more places than you.

Ah sigh.. the weight of expectations is heavy sometimes when you can't meet them ..

[Bri MT]

I think it's important to recognise that we all have different metrics of success (eg improvement, completion, optimal) and that the same goes for expectation.

Admittedly I don't know too much about you,  but from your activity here you seem to care about education,  helping others,  personal development and logical decision making.  I would suggest that as long as these things drive you you can find success in progression and that you will ultimately find success in outcomes too.

You can use these traits to map the directions in which you want to progress and how you will do that.

As for the others whom you compare yourself to and fear that you're below - you don't know all of the information about their journey and so it isn't a fair comparison.  Additionally, you don't truly know how they measure success,  if they are content,  or  if you would be content in their position.


I empathise with you because there are certainly times where I feel or have felt that I am an underperformer who hasn't and don't live up to their full potential and is lacking in qualities which they should have more of.  I'm working on being kind to myself while still recognising and working on my faults - which I find to be a difficult balance at times. I think most people, especially those who have been considered achievers, struggle with this.

Best of luck on your journey

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Post 2

Things have been alright....... yeah nah. Still lost.

Work is kinda... how do we say... shit and I'm kinda over uni. Guess I'll persist with that anyways, since I'm already more than 80% done. I've been thinking about how to proceed forward, but I'm not sure. Shit's frustrating.

My "temporary" job has somehow lasted  for 6 months. I'm torn between thinking ‘F*** it, I’m going to pack in my job and go do something meaningful like volunteering" and "I need to get a proper job and climb the corporate ladder".
*SIde note, I don't have 3000 or even 500 to blow, to go on some discovery trip round the world*

Some common questions are:
- What do you want to do in life?  No idea....
- Do you like what you study? Not necessarily ... I did it to sorta please my parents
- Where do you see yourself in 5 years time? ... I don't know

Yeah I'll just leave it at that, the rest I really can't be f*ed thinking about HAHA.

(Yeah, I really tried to put a good spin on this, but not possible rn )

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Post 3

These past few weeks have been pretty stressy with uni, graduate applications and work. Still chugging along as usual (well to the best of my ability anyways). It's the uni/work life.  I used to say that work life was fun (when I was younger), I now take that back (in fairness, it does depend on the manager).

Work is let's just say, working me like a dog (eh.. at least I get paid). From 9am straight till 2pm in the afternoon (phew).Tell me I love work... nope I don't. After work, it's uni work time and more grad apps. Life's busy, but oh well.

This weekend should be a little bit more joyful, I'm going to my cousins place tomorrow and then go karting on Sunday  .

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Post / Entry 4

Anxiety has been flaring up a fair bit these days  and it's absolutely been wrecking havoc on how I relate to people So somehow, I know that I'm sabotaging myself and friendships, letting the anxiety fill my head with irrational thoughts. Yeah... Not a very healthy mindset/ habit

Like, someone made a new friend and I misunderstood it as "me being boring".  Also someone didn't respond to me for a while and I thought they were "pissed off at me". Since I thought they were angry, I didn't say anything ALL night, but then they ended up messaging the next morning... to find out only to find out that nothing was up.

I do have a feeling that it's got something to do with my past and unresolved issues... so I booked myself back into the counsellors (figured that I might as well.. given the past week or so).

If anyone has any good tips re: anxiety, please share =)
Sidenote: I'm sorry if this isn't a happy thread, you can stop reading if you want to.

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Post / Entry 5
Not much to say, these past days.. have been kinda er say... shit. Not pretty at all.

Too much stress and problems.  Anxiety, stress , work stress and family stress.

Side note: Nearly got myself fired by almost losing my shit at my boss for making me do overtime again.OH hey, that's a new low, wanting to tell my boss to shut the front door =)

Oh.. don't worry =), my appointment for the counsellor is coming up soon.

Checking out ~ (I'll be right, just another one of life's obstacles)

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Entry 6
Work stress is totally manageable at this point  , family stress is a work in progress... but anxiety is totally another beast.

Anxiety has consumed so much of well everything.  It's consumed my energy and it's consumed the joy out of the things I love. What was something beautiful and amazing, has been totally consumed by anxiety. I say enough!

I really need to take back control, stop this and wrangle back control.

Sidenote: I took a walk earlier today and took this photo. Much beautiful 

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