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Author Topic: Free AOS essay Marking!  (Read 180299 times)

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elysepopplewell

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #375 on: March 22, 2017, 12:02:46 am »
Hi Elyse, i'm extremely sorry for the late reply showing my gratitude. Thank you so much for the feedback, compliments, and encouragement, it really made my day. I had it marked by my school teacher today, and i don't think she could say the same though because she practically questioned every few lines of the essay critiquing the thesis and and my links. IDK. Since the exam is this week, ill just try to write in the same manner and disregard her feedback. I've edited my essay using your feedback and its much better. Thank you again Elyse for giving me the confidence I needed.

I'm glad I could give you a bit of positivity about it even if your teacher wasn't so convinced! But in the end, your teacher is marking it for the upcoming tasks. Feel free to let me know what her feedback is and we can work out how to integrate it into the essay, and it will also help me improve the feedback I give :)

Keep your head high and plough on! :)
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jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #376 on: March 22, 2017, 09:08:51 pm »
Hi,
I'd just love some feedback as to whether my response refers to the question properly throughout. Apart from that, I don't have any particular concern abut my essay, just any feedback you could give me would be amazing. Also if you could estimate what mark this essay might get  :) Thank you so much!

Welcome to the forums Carissaml! ;D

Thanks for posting your essay - Our essay marking rules require you to have 15 posts for each essay you'd like feedback for. This is just to make sure the markers can keep up ;D

If you hang around the site a bit, I bet you'll reach that threshold in no time :)

Claudiaa

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #377 on: March 24, 2017, 05:50:47 pm »
To Jamon in particular, since this is focused on Belonging  :D
Some key notes before you begin reading, 1. This has to be in the form of a letter, persuading why my selected texts should be chosen (still in the process of doing this... transforming it from an essay to a letter)

2. It would be greatly appreciated if you could criticise this as harshly as you can
3. Some links are missing purely because I just need this letter/essay to be criticised first and then I can move on and properly form it how it's supposed to be
4. It needs to be greatly condensed, so worst parts will get taken out asap
5. THANK YOU SO MUCH

It has recently been brought to my awareness your upcoming documentary is in search of culturally fundamental texts, focusing on the multidimensional concept of belonging. Given this, the texts that I have selected would be critical components to your program ‘Who do you think you are’. The texts each explore belonging as the universal, intrinsic feeling of security and placement, derived by connections to people, places or ideals. Parallel to the urges of Australian contemporary society, the need to belong is prompted by human instinct, which promotes social conformity. American Beauty (Sam Mendes 1999), Mirror  (Sylvia Plath 1961) and the Death of a Salesman by Arthur Miller profoundly examine these concepts of belonging.


The play, the Death of a Salesman effectively explores the inherent relationship between social conformity and the repercussions on one’s emotional and psychological state of mind in attempting to conform.
 Drawing roots from the American Dream, the fundamental plays follows a troubled salesman, Willy Loman in his attempt to conform with this materialistic and hedonistic approach to life, much like that of today’s. Initially, Willy defiantly depicts himself as successful and well known, “And they know me, they know me up and down the town...I never have to wait in line to see a buyer.” However, this ironic situation and contrast between his perceived success and reality is evident moments later when accumulation highlights the deterioration of his state of mind as a result of Willy attempting to conform to the standards of the American Dream; “sixteen dollars on the refrigerator...the fan broke..the washing machine..then the roof.” Further, Willy exhibits contrasting tones and juxtaposed dialogue that reflect his confused psychological state in his attempt to belong. Willy initially yells at Biff, “Not finding yourself at the age of thirty-four is a disgrace!”, carrying an imperative, bitter tone but later adds: “Greatest thing in the world for him was to bum around.” The fluidity, with which Willy transitions between these two tones and ideas conveys Willy’s self-contradictions in his inconsistent thoughts, serving as an exemplar example of Willy’s confusion and internal division.  Moreover, demotic dialogue and figurative language are used to emphasise Willy’s emotional stress, ‘You can't eat the orange and throw the peel away- a man is not a piece of fruit’. Miller provides Willy with a line heavily influenced by the rhythms of New York speech, amplifying Willy’s inability to conform with social ideologies and hence the exhausted, detrimental effect on his emotional state. Ultimately, when individuals fail to conform, they tend to experience the ramifications on their emotional and psychological state.


Additionally, Miller’s Death of a Salesman, distinctively highlights that a lack of connection to familial ties can create a sense of physical dislocation within an individual. Willy’s antagonism with his son, Biff, is insinuated in his fateful encounter of his father and the Woman. Biff, crestfallen carries a condescending tone and uses anaphora, “You fake, you phony little fake!’, ultimately encapsulating the disconnected familial ties Willy shares with his son. The use of allusions and similes, “both built like Adonises” and “like a young God Hercules” further ensues the incoherent relationship between Willy and his sons, where his mythologised illusions of grandeur imply that Willy does not truly know his own sons. Hence, Willy’s detachment from his family leads to a sense of physical displacement from his environment. This is evident through the symbolic props of the ‘three chairs’ despite there being four residents within the household, serving as a pivotal device in capturing Willy’s isolation from his environment due to his alienation from his family. Moreover,  negative connotations are used to describe Willy’s surrounding environment, as ‘towering’, ‘angular shapes’ serves as a stirring counterweight to his physical dislocation derived from his distant connection to his family. This notion is furthered in the contrasting statement ‘solid vault of apartment houses around the small, fragile-seeming home’. Hence, there is an inextricable link between a disconnection to familial ties and a sense of displacement from one’s physical environment. 

Similarly, the poem “Mirror” by Sylvia Plath, extensively examines the compelling message that despair and discontent can arise from the inability to conform, hence to fulfil the intrinsic urge to conform individuals may turn to subconscious fabrications. Plath’s poignant poem, entails the reality of aging and how a woman is frustrated to see her gradually fading beauty and youth through a mirror protagonist.  Zoomorphism is harshly used as the mirror identifies her as “a terrible fish,” not even rendering her humanity. The slippery and unnerving "fish" in the poem alludes to the persona’s unavoidable, darker self that cannot help but challenge the socially acceptable self, ultimately encapsulating the persona’s unpleasant image that restricts her from belonging. Further, the metaphoric reference of the candles and the moon as “liars”, insinuates that they provide a faux reflection of the persona. Although, the persona seeks these “liars” based on the human instinct to conform, the moon and candles are not an escape, but a barrier the persona constructed around herself - deceptively hiding wrinkles, and other companions of the aging process. The symbolic shift of the protagonist from a mirror to a lake in the second stanza suggests that a lake cannot reflect as exact as a mirror. However, it successfully symbolises the flow of time and age and hence the beauty being drowned in the lake, alongside the drowning of the persona’s sense of belonging she previously felt. Evidently, the analysis of Plath’s potent poem, “Mirror’s”, provides viewers of the SBS program ...... yet to link.

Alternatively, Mendes’ film ‘American Beauty’ explicitly analyses that the human instinct to conform by social ideologies creates high levels of dissatisfaction and isolation within those who have been lead to believe its promises of false prosperity. Lester Burham has everything in life that should make him happy; a plethora of goods and a seemingly happy family. Although, he feels that he has been “in a coma, for the past twenty years”. This hyperbolic metaphor insinuates his isolated entrapment in the malevolent working cycle imposed within the American Dream, alongside the metaphorical imprisonment of his happiness. Serving as foil to this is Colonel Fitts, who is so desperate to conform, that he hides his sexuality. This is emphasised in the scene where he accuses his son Ricky about being homosexual. His aggressive tone and use of vulgar language towards homosexuality acts as a facade to the truth and becomes emblematic of the Fitt’s sense of isolation and despair. Additionally, the montage of the Burham family moments after Lester is shot elucidates the once united, happy family, now dissatisfied and segregated by the social ideology of the American Dream. Forgot my link here, because I think I need another example


Subsequently, in this respect, it is evident that the true ambivalence the multifacted concept of belonging exists in the interpretation of each text discussed, hence it is imperative that these texts are included in the ‘Who do you think you are’ program. One of the many signature virtues of my selected texts is its ability to speak to audiences around the world with astonishing immediacy and clarity, in that it has a way of monopolising discussions about the texts and the features of belonging that so consistently resonates within Australian contemporary society, whilst simultaneously reaching out to new audiences, renewing key concepts of belonging in the process. 
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elysepopplewell

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #378 on: March 25, 2017, 05:13:54 am »
So this is my essay-speech. It is a 4 min speech with 30 seconds lean way, and was wondering which parts I should remove in my essay. Feedback will be amazing.  ;) 8)
PS: I'm not sure if this is the right thread to post... ???

Hey! You're in the right spot :)

Spoiler
♣   An understanding of identity, relationships and connections are shaped by a sense of belonging.
A sense of belonging is transitory, and is an ever-changing concept that varies for individuals from one stage of their life to another through phases of life. These perceptions are shaped within personal and cultural identities which emerge from the connections that are made between people, places and society itself. However, people willingly elect to not belong or may be hindered by barriers which have been forced upon them. I don't think this idea is explored enough in the essay? John Steinbeck’s 1937 ‘Of Mice and Men’ novella and Shaun Tan’s 2001 ‘The Red Tree’ are two texts that capture these relationships that which either enrich or challenge a person or group.
Composed by John Steinbeck, an itinerant man similar to the protagonists George and Lennie, based this novella on the people and experiences he had during due the Great Depression. As unemployment levels increased, thousands flocked to California in hope to establish the American Dream during hardships that confronted them. The setting occurs in the ranches and a vivid image casts the readers throughout the novella. Likewise Shaun Tan’s picture book called the ‘Red Tree’, captures a journey in a dark world that highlights the experiences of depression from a lonely red-headed girl.
Loneliness is an integral theme that is evoked throughout the novella and picture book, and identity could be tarnished. Set in ‘Soledad’, which refers to solitude, and ‘Solitaire’, the card game played by the ranch men also reinforces loneliness, in OMAM. And how does loneliness link to belonging? Is loneliness synonymous with not-belonging? Does it inspire someone to try and belong?This setting casts a very idyllic, serene setting, which leads the reader’s into a false sense of security about Soledad. The novella is cyclical which contains six chapters and expressed in third person omniscient. . From the opening chapter, Steinbeck conveys the loneliness experienced by the ranch workers who in particular are far lonely than others.”Guys like us that work on the ranches are the loneliest guys in the world”. As the narrative is in third person omniscient, it provides readers insight to the connections of the ranch men and they predominantly do not have connections whatsoever. You haven't approached belonging in this paragraph. If someone is experiencing isolation/loneliness, does this alienate them more or does it inspire them to belong?
Crooks is at the centre of racial prejudice during the 30’s, and is hindered due to his different skin colour from the rest of the ranch men. Unable to communicate with other ranch men, Crooks is isolated and has a separate room where the majority of his time he is reading books. This is illustrated when he was having a heated discussion with Lennie, "S'pose you didn't have nobody. Books ain't no good. A guy needs somebody to be near him. A guy goes nuts if he ain't got nobody”. The repetition and emotive language alluded by Steinbeck, condemns the treatment of Crooks, implying he is basically inexistent. The image that spreads across the whole page with few words “darkness overcomes you”, it is metaphorically implying darkness will prevail and every happy memory will become distant. The salient fish hovering around the page is symbolic of loneliness. This juxtaposition in this image, comparing the mammoth sized fish, in contrast to the smallness of the girl. It demonstrates her emotions are clouding her mind, and subsequently has aroused her to question her identity. The third person omniscient in both text allows the reader to truly understand Crook’s experiences and isolation has impacted him and also the fish’s mouth conveys emptiness that surrounds society that entraps the girl. It can be viewed from this theme of loneliness, that both individuals have a lack of identity and thus has been shaped from their own perceptions of belonging. Again, belonging is only targetted specifically in this last sentence. You are talking about the text well throughout, but you need to look at weaving belonging into each time you talk about the text, not just at the end. It might feel repetitive for you, but remember that because this is a speech you can change up the way you're presenting it so that even when you're saying the same words, it won't sound the same each time because you can phrase them differently, and use your voice to give a different feel.
The nature of dreams and goals, creates connection and meaning. The two itinerant men, George and Lennie are two opposite characters that form an unusual complementary relationship. George is described with definite features “Bony”, “nosey” “skinny” and “restless eyes”, conveying that he is a strong-minded man who is weary of his surroundings and his companion Lennie, whose innocent actions consequently gets both of them in trouble. Conversely, Lennie is a huge man, “shapeless of face, dragging his feet the way a bear would drag his paws”. Immediately from this comparison, Steinbeck explicitly utilises juxtaposing antonyms to convey that Lennie is different and does not understand the economic situations which face them. Though Lennie is incompetent, Lennie is the driving power in the hopes of both that they will live “off the fatta land”. This is a recurring motif throughout the novella as when George recites the ‘dream farm’ story, Lennie excitedly disrupts George, as he is eager and excited that one day, the duo will have their dreams come true. Likewise in ‘The Red Tree’, a myriad of feelings overwhelm her mind viewing a red seed blossoming upon her room. The quote “Just as you imagined it” is also a motif to sustain hope and acceptance, and the use of red colour, lighting and body language supports this. Nice link! Gloomy colours were recurrent throughout the picture book, however this image displayed bright colours which reinvigorated her self-acceptance and freedom. However, “terrible fates are inevitable”. The girl is pictured holding a dice and precariously walking up the stairs. This metaphor conjured by Tan, indicates that what you desire, may not be what you were hoping for and thus belonging is ever-changing.
Belonging is shaped by the people, places and society that we interact with. There are few recluses who withdraw from society to seek solitude, or may be hindered due to barriers which entraps them. However, many seek a utopian and idyllic world, which may vary from person to person, who in their own right may perceive belonging differently. Nevertheless, belonging is transitory and from the texts explored, it can be deduced that the inevitable choices, shape our sense of belonging.


Three sentences given to one text, and the bulk of the speech given to the rest, tells me that when you're culling - you should cull from OMAM! There's a lot in there that doesn't specifically relate to belonging. So, when you're ready to cut things out, look directly to OMAM. It seems unusual to me that the second text is given such little time, is this what your teacher has suggested?  I'd try to cut the equivalent of a paragraph worth of content from OMAM ans add extra to the Red Tree.

As I suggested above as well: be more explicit about the idea of not belonging. Does it inspire someone to want to belong? Does it make it harder for someone to belong? Does it alienate them further? I don't think the ramifications of feeling like you belong or don't belong are explored deeply enough, but rather just that someone doesn't belong.

There's no problem with your expression or your writing, the focus now is on addressing the module in the most productive way possible :)
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elysepopplewell

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #379 on: March 25, 2017, 05:47:01 am »
To Jamon in particular, since this is focused on Belonging  :D
Some key notes before you begin reading, 1. This has to be in the form of a letter, persuading why my selected texts should be chosen (still in the process of doing this... transforming it from an essay to a letter)

2. It would be greatly appreciated if you could criticise this as harshly as you can
3. Some links are missing purely because I just need this letter/essay to be criticised first and then I can move on and properly form it how it's supposed to be
4. It needs to be greatly condensed, so worst parts will get taken out asap
5. THANK YOU SO MUCH

Hey! Not Jamon, but hopefully I can give a good hand here :)

Spoiler
Do you need to address the letter to someone?
It has recently been brought to my awareness your upcoming documentary is in search of culturally fundamental texts, focusing on the multidimensional concept of belonging. Given this, the texts that I have selected would be critical components to your program ‘Who do you think you are’. The texts each explore belonging as the universal, intrinsic feeling of security and placement, derived by connections to people, places or ideals. Parallel to the urges of Australian contemporary society, the need to belong is prompted by human instinct, which promotes social conformity. American Beauty (Sam Mendes 1999), Mirror  (Sylvia Plath 1961) and the Death of a Salesman by Arthur Miller profoundly examine these concepts of belonging.  Love this!!!!!]\

The play, the Death of a Salesman effectively explores the inherent relationship between social conformity and the repercussions on one’s emotional and psychological state of mind in attempting to conform.
Drawing roots from the American Dream, the fundamental plays follows a troubled salesman, Willy Loman in his attempt to conform with this materialistic and hedonistic approach to life, much like that of today’s. Initially, Willy defiantly depicts himself as successful and well known, “And they know me, they know me up and down the town...I never have to wait in line to see a buyer.” However, this ironic situation and contrast between his perceived success and reality is evident moments later when accumulation highlights the deterioration of his state of mind as a result of Willy attempting to conform to the standards of the American Dream; “sixteen dollars on the refrigerator...the fan broke..the washing machine..then the roof.” Further, Willy exhibits contrasting tones and juxtaposed dialogue that reflect his confused psychological state in his attempt to belong. I think this is a good point to address your letter-receiver!Willy initially yells at Biff, “Not finding yourself at the age of thirty-four is a disgrace!”, carrying an imperative, bitter tone but later adds: “Greatest thing in the world for him was to bum around.” The fluidity, with which Willy transitions between these two tones and ideas conveys Willy’s self-contradictions in his inconsistent thoughts, serving as an exemplar example of Willy’s confusion and internal division.  Moreover, demotic dialogue and figurative language are used to emphasise Willy’s emotional stress, ‘You can't eat the orange and throw the peel away- a man is not a piece of fruit’. Miller provides Willy with a line heavily influenced by the rhythms of New York speech, amplifying Willy’s inability to conform with social ideologies and hence the exhausted, detrimental effect on his emotional state. Ultimately, when individuals fail to conform, they tend to experience the ramifications on their emotional and psychological state. I think your analysis is wonderful, it's very tightly written and expressive. As you probably already have identified, this needs to address the letter-receiver more. You also need to link more directly to the term "belonging" (or synonyms), and I think these two will work together. So when you go to write such a sentence, it can be a perfect pairing of, "This would be great for your purposes because *add unique ideas about discovery*"


Additionally, Miller’s Death of a Salesman, distinctively highlights that a lack of connection to familial ties can create a sense of physical dislocation within an individual. Willy’s antagonism with his son, Biff, is insinuated in his fateful encounter of his father and the Woman. Biff, crestfallen carries a condescending tone and uses anaphora, “You fake, you phony little fake!’, ultimately encapsulating the disconnected familial ties Willy shares with his son. The use of allusions and similes, “both built like Adonises” and “like a young God Hercules” further ensues the incoherent relationship between Willy and his sons, where his mythologised illusions of grandeur imply that Willy does not truly know his own sons perfect spot here to link to the addressee. "Further ensues...thus making a perfect candidate for your selection...". Hence, Willy’s detachment from his family leads to a sense of physical displacement from his environment. This is evident through the symbolic props of the ‘three chairs’ despite there being four residents within the household, serving as a pivotal device in capturing Willy’s isolation from his environment due to his alienation from his family. Moreover,  negative connotations are used to describe Willy’s surrounding environment, as ‘towering’, ‘angular shapes’ serves as a stirring counterweight to his physical dislocation derived from his distant connection to his family. This notion is furthered in the contrasting statement ‘solid vault of apartment houses around the small, fragile-seeming home’. Hence, there is an inextricable link between a disconnection to familial ties and a sense of displacement from one’s physical environment. 

Also a perfect candidate for your collection...Similarly, the poem “Mirror” by Sylvia Plath, extensively examines the compelling message that despair and discontent can arise from the inability to conform, hence to fulfil the intrinsic urge to conform individuals may turn to subconscious fabrications. Plath’s poignant poem, entails the reality of ageing and how a woman is frustrated to see her gradually fading beauty and youth through a mirror protagonist.  Zoomorphism is harshly used as the mirror identifies her as “a terrible fish,” not even rendering her humanity. The slippery and unnerving "fish" in the poem alludes to the persona’s unavoidable, darker self that cannot help but challenge the socially acceptable self, ultimately encapsulating the persona’s unpleasant image that restricts her from belonging. Further, the metaphoric reference of the candles and the moon as “liars”, insinuates that they provide a faux reflection of the persona. Although, the persona seeks these “liars” based on the human instinct to conform, the moon and candles are not an escape, but a barrier the persona constructed around herself - deceptively hiding wrinkles, and other companions of the ageing process. The symbolic shift of the protagonist from a mirror to a lake in the second stanza suggests that a lake cannot reflect as exact as a mirror. However, it successfully symbolises the flow of time and age and hence the beauty being drowned in the lake, alongside the drowning of the persona’s sense of belonging she previously felt. Evidently, the analysis of Plath’s potent poem, “Mirror’s”, provides viewers of the SBS program ...... yet to link. Yes...make sure in this link you show a new view to what the first text did. Really sell it. So, Sylvia Plath's text shows blah blah blah, which provides a unique alternative view to the treatment of belonging in..."

Alternatively, Mendes’ film ‘American Beauty’ explicitly analyses that the human instinct to conform by social ideologies creates high levels of dissatisfaction and isolation within those who have been lead to believe its promises of false prosperity. Lester Burham has everything in life that should make him happy; a plethora of goods and a seemingly happy family. Although, he feels that he has been “in a coma, for the past twenty years”. This hyperbolic metaphor insinuates his isolated entrapment in the malevolent working cycle imposed within the American Dream, alongside the metaphorical imprisonment of his happiness. Serving as foil to this is Colonel Fitts, who is so desperate to conform, that he hides his sexuality. This is emphasised in the scene where he accuses his son Ricky about being homosexual. His aggressive tone and use of vulgar language towards homosexuality acts as a facade to the truth and becomes emblematic of the Fitt’s sense of isolation and despair. Additionally, the montage of the Burham family moments after Lester is shot elucidates the once united, happy family, now dissatisfied and segregated by the social ideology of the American Dream. Forgot my link here, because I think I need another example. You could definitely stop it here - it means the analysis of this text is shorter but if you're looking to cut down on words...


Subsequently, in this respect, it is evident that the true ambivalence the multifacted concept of belonging exists in the interpretation of each text discussed, hence it is imperative that these texts are included in the ‘Who do you think you are’ program. One of the many signature virtues of my selected texts is its ability to speak to audiences around the world with astonishing immediacy and clarity, in that it has a way of monopolising discussions about the texts and the features of belonging that so consistently resonates within Australian contemporary society, whilst simultaneously reaching out to new audiences, renewing key concepts of belonging in the process.

I think you've done a brilliant job here. The expression really doesn't need any word, your writing style is sophisticated and neat. This makes it hard to find things to take out! As you've identified, what lacks is the response to the letter-receiver. That's the next important transition. I think when you finish with each text, you should also be saying what this text shows that adds to the other texts - really sell your selection of texts, and by doing this, you're forced to be critical of the treatment of belonging.

In terms of needing to cut things out of your response - be very critical and ask after every two sentences: Have I sold this in a way that appeals to the letter-receiver? This will tell you if you've treated belonging strongly enough or not. I've suggested where you need to add an address to the receiver, and in each of these opportunities you should link specifically to the experience of belonging. Pretend that you are in some ways be a salesperson - really selling it!

Good luck...this is a solid response, it's just about tweaking it to the text type now :)
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Claudiaa

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #380 on: March 25, 2017, 06:21:41 pm »


I think you've done a brilliant job here. The expression really doesn't need any word, your writing style is sophisticated and neat. This makes it hard to find things to take out! As you've identified, what lacks is the response to the letter-receiver. That's the next important transition. I think when you finish with each text, you should also be saying what this text shows that adds to the other texts - really sell your selection of texts, and by doing this, you're forced to be critical of the treatment of belonging.

In terms of needing to cut things out of your response - be very critical and ask after every two sentences: Have I sold this in a way that appeals to the letter-receiver? This will tell you if you've treated belonging strongly enough or not. I've suggested where you need to add an address to the receiver, and in each of these opportunities you should link specifically to the experience of belonging. Pretend that you are in some ways be a salesperson - really selling it!

Good luck...this is a solid response, it's just about tweaking it to the text type now :)

Thank you so much! Feedback that was definitely 100% helpful, I completely understand your points made and I will get tweaking asap!  :) Im so grateful for ATARNOTES and the team <3
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jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #381 on: March 26, 2017, 02:18:26 pm »
Hi :)

I was just wondering if could see if the argument made sense, and if it linked together so I could easily adapt to potential HSC questions.

Thanks!

Welcome to the forums Jessie! ;D

Thanks for posting your essay - Our essay marking rules require you to have 15 posts for each essay you'd like feedback for. This is just to make sure the markers can keep up ;D

If you hang around the site a bit, I bet you'll reach that threshold in no time :)

elysepopplewell

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #382 on: March 29, 2017, 01:17:56 am »
Thank you so much! Feedback that was definitely 100% helpful, I completely understand your points made and I will get tweaking asap!  :) Im so grateful for ATARNOTES and the team <3

Thanks for your kind words Claudia! We look forward to helping you as the year goes on! :)
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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #383 on: April 03, 2017, 11:21:53 am »
Hi :) This is actually a speech, which I was hoping I could get some feedback on.
Thank you!

Good morning year 12,
To discover means to have something become known to you, and consequently to gain insight and knowledge into this object, place, person or concept. Today, I will be talking about how through discoveries, we are brought to new worlds, and new values and ideas are evoked. In Shakespeare’s play, The Tempest, and in Larry Watson’s novella Montana 1948, the characters experiences lead to discoveries, which enable them to perceive life in a different light. In The Tempest, the physical discovery of the island by Alonso and Antonio, enables Prospero to grasp new values and ideas, when he consciously chooses to forgive his enemies rather than seek vengeance. In contrast, in Montana 1948, David’s father, the sheriff of the town, decides that it is necessary to withhold justice and chooses to punish his brother for his actions, therefore going against his family. In these texts, although contrary actions were made by diverse characters, they both show that discoveries can indeed lead to new worlds and values, and therefore stimulate new ideas about the world around us.

In Shakespeare’s play, The Tempest, it is revealed to the audience that through an initial discovery, new realisations about ourselves and our values can be made. Prospero, the plays protagonist, describes to his daughter Miranda that it was “twelve year since, thy father (Prospero) was the Duke of Milan and a prince of power”. He explains that through his pursue to study magic, his brother Antonio took his place as Prince of Italy’s most important state, while he discovered the island which they proceeded to inhabit. The rediscovery of the island by Alonso, Antonio and Sebastian is expressed through the metaphor of birth; “blow till thou burst thy wind”. The introduction of the nobles from Italy, including the butler and jester Stephano and Trinculo, results in a plot to murder Prospero in order to gain power of the island. Although Prospero is seen to be a disgruntled character full of resent towards his brother, he makes the decision to forgive his enemies. Despite the grievance they caused him, shown when he says “For you, most wicked sir, whom to call brother would even infect my mouth”, he chooses mercy and pronounces “I do forgive”.

Another discovery prompted by the emergence of the noblemen on the island was that of Miranda’s. Through her meeting with Ferdinand, the idea of love and men other than her elders was stimulated. She describes him as “a thing divine” after living almost her entire life on the island with only her father and original inhabitants, and therefore knowing no other beings. Because of this, she is naïve and innocent, believing in the goods of people and hope for mankind. The discovery of love not only leads Miranda to a new world within her own, which she describes as “O brave new world that has such people in’t!”, but also to speculate ideas about the future. She becomes excited about the possibility of leaving the island as she marries Ferdinand and embraces humanity, all as a result of the discovery of the island by the nobles of Italy, and her father’s enemies.

In contrast to Prospero’s forgiveness in The Tempest, in my related text, Montana 1948, David’s father, the town sheriff, decides that justice is more important than loyalty to his family. When it is discovered that David’s Uncle Frank, a doctor, is abusing and harassing his American Indian female patients, David’s father feels conflicted as to how he should punish his own brother who “used his profession to take advantage of women”. Through this discovery, David himself realises truths about the world, and like Miranda, escapes from his previous innocence; seen when he was “beginning to see Uncle Frank as a criminal” and decided he “could never believe in the rule of law again”. The discovery also forces David’s father, Wesley, to reconsider his prejudices towards Native Americans and towards his brother. He initially tries to ignore the possibility of his brother’s crimes, saying “we don’t have proof of anything”. However, he eventually decides that his brother is guilty and realises that he must begin to acquire the value of justice rather than his emotional reaction of loyalty to family and rejection of the truth. This change of character from both David and his father causes their family to think differently about the future, but most importantly to enter a new world together. They move to North Dakota in an attempt to ignore the events of the summer of 1948 in Montana, which would forever haunt their lives.

Therefore, it is indeed true that discoveries cause us to enter new worlds, hold new values, stimulate ideas and speculate about the future. This is shown through the characters of Prospero and Miranda in Shakespeare’s The Tempest, as they gain new values after the result of several discoveries. Prospero chooses mercy and forgiveness over hate to his enemies, and Miranda enters a new world that is not restricted to the island she grew up on. It is also evident in the novella Montana 1948, as both David and his father’s lives change due to the discovery Uncle Frank’s crimes against American Indian women. David loses his childhood innocence, while his father, Wesley, acquires a new meaning to being just in the law.

Thank you

jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #384 on: April 03, 2017, 01:16:39 pm »
Hi :) This is actually a speech, which I was hoping I could get some feedback on.
Thank you!

Welcome to the forums cr1700! ;D

Thanks for posting your speech - Our essay/creative marking rules require you to have 15 posts for each creative you'd like feedback for. This is just to make sure the markers can keep up ;D

If you hang around the site a bit, I bet you'll reach that threshold in no time :)

hdmi116

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #385 on: May 11, 2017, 07:28:20 pm »
Can you pls mark my essay due tomorow> Heres the question:
“The journey leads to a greater understanding of others, self and one’s place in the world”. To what extent do you agree with this statement? Discuss with close analysis to your prescribed text and at least ONE other related text of your own choosing.

Physical journeys are comprised of change and can lead to realisation of some fundamental truth. They occur as a result of the obstacle of societal constraints. Shakespeare's pastoral play As You Like It explores the notion of a physical journey through the societal constraints and physical obstacles faced by the characters, which forces them to embark on a transformative physical journey into the forest. These ideas are also reiterated in Noyce’s film Rabbit-Proof Fence through the unjust laws applied to the three girls which force them to abandon mainstream society

Obstacles to the completion of a physical journey result in change which betters the personas understanding of themselves and others. This change occurs as a resukt of societal constraint. This notion is shown in As You Like It in which Orlando moves to the forest and learns that the court is heinous and the forest is pure which results in him gaining self-enlightenment. This is seen through Orlando’s exaggerated negativity of himself, “but poor old man, thou prun’st a rotten tree that cannot so much a blossom yield”. This hyperbole as well as the metaphor demonstrate Orlando’s apprehension of the idea that he is not complete as a human due to his brother’s shortcoming towards him which made Orlando an uneducated individual. This societal constraint of being illiterate is the obstacle to his physical and inner journey of self growth. Orlando also learns from his accomplice Adam that the court is a place of evil due to those who reside within it, “This is no place, this house is but a butchery. Abhor it, fear it, do not enter it”. This repetition of the negative imperative verbs as well as the cynical tone towards the court is harmful. This new knowledge acquired by Orlando is the cause of his physical journey away from the court. Orlando also learns that he is neither a treacherous member of the court nor a loyal member of the forest inhabitants. This is seen through his disconnection from all society, “I do desire we may be better [as] strangers”. This cynical tone, demeaning the responder, shows that Orlando is antisocial and therefore has been disconnected from mainstream society. This is a result of his physical journey into the forest. Thus, we can see that Orlando has learned that he is in the societal hierarchy like a peasant. Therefore, physical journeys result in a deeper understanding of the persona, their place in society and others.

Physical journeys allow the persona to obtain a fuller understanding of  themselves, the world and their place in it through the acquisition of new knowledge and experiences. As the persona evolves physically, they gain new knowledge and experiences which allow them to perceive themselves and others in a different light. This notion is seen in Rabbit proof fence in which the native childrens’ abduction leads to them learning about the injustice in the world. This is seen in the abduction scene in which the diegetic sound of the girls screaming for help and the non-diegetic sound of the tense music in the background create an atmosphere of fear. This fear of the government and therefore all forms of leadership shows that the Australian government’s administration at the time was really unjust. This new knowledge gained by the girls is a result of their physical journey of abduction. This notion is also conveyed in the escape montage scene in which they escape the cleansing camp. This montage creates a sense of bonding between the girls. This self-understanding between them is the result of their physical journey from the heinous camp. Furthermore, the long shot used in the escape from the camp scene gives the effect that the girls are minute and therefore insignificant. This shows that they know their place in the Australian hierarchy - that they are insignificant. This is the result of their physical journey into the adversities of the camp. Therefore, physical journeys lead to a richer understanding of the persona, the world in which they live in and their place in it.

The physical journey of an individual or a group of people leads to a more developed view of the world, themselves and their place within it. When a peoples gather new knowledge and experiences, they learn to sympathise with others and this enables them to learn more about the social hierarchy and their position in it. This physical journey is undertaken by Rosalind and her cousin Celia as they journey into the forest where they encounter the obstacle of social expectations. This is seen through Rosalind’s transformation into a man at the beginning of the journey, “ I am more than common tall, that I did suit me all points like a man? A gallant curtal-ax upon my thigh, a boar-spear in my hand, and in my heart”. The cumulative listing of all the stereotypical attributes of a man as well as the contrast of these attributes to Rosalind’s gives the effect that Rosalind is learning about society expectations and is, through comparison to herself, finding her underlying rock bottom position in the hierarchy.This is the result of her physical journey away from the court and into the forest. This transformation is also seen in Rosalind’s description of herself, “I'll have no worse a name than Jove's own page”. The religious allusion to the roman king of gods Jove, or Jupiter, as well as the comparison she makes between herself and him creates a link between her and the all-knowing status of gods. This entails an inner journey of acquisition of new knowledge and experiences as a result of the physical journey away from the court society. Rosalind also displays struggle in the completion of this journey as she faces the obstacle of the gender barrier, “I could find in my heart to disgrace my man's apparel and to cry like a woman, but I must comfort the weaker vessel”. The simile used to compare the emotional overreaction of women to the coldness of men's hearts creates a clear distinction between the role of men and women in society with women being portrayed as more vulnerable. Rosalind finds herself battling against her “feminine nature” in the plight to become more of  man. This is the result of her physical journey into the forest. Therefore, the apprehension of new knowledge and experiences through a physical journey allows the persona to gain new insights into themselves, their world, and their position within it.

An individual’s physical journey results in a more developed understanding of themselves, the world and their position in it. This transformation into a guided state occurs as a result of the apprehension of new knowledge and experiences in light of movement to new and foreign environments and societal hierarchies. This change incites inspiration and stuff

jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #386 on: May 11, 2017, 08:12:56 pm »
Can you pls mark my essay due tomorow> Heres the question:
“The journey leads to a greater understanding of others, self and one’s place in the world”. To what extent do you agree with this statement? Discuss with close analysis to your prescribed text and at least ONE other related text of your own choosing.

Welcome to the forums hdmi116! ;D

Thanks for posting your essay - Our essay marking rules require you to have 15 posts for each essay you'd like feedback for. This is just to make sure the markers can keep up ;D so unfortunately we won't be able to give this a proper mark before tomorrow (even if you did have 15 posts, we normally can't get it done that quick  :-[)

On a quick skim though:

- Watch for retell, there are parts where you are just telling us what happened in the text
- Be sure to explore what the audience learns about Discovery
- Try to put techniques in the same sentence as your quote for more clarity

Best of luck ;D

hdmi116

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #387 on: May 11, 2017, 08:44:11 pm »
@jamonwindeyer
Ive been told you need at least 4 body paragraphs. Is this true or can I manage a 12/15 with only 3

jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #388 on: May 11, 2017, 09:04:55 pm »
@jamonwindeyer
Ive been told you need at least 4 body paragraphs. Is this true or can I manage a 12/15 with only 3

You can get 15/15 with 3 body paragraphs!! I've never written more than three myself - Quality over quantity ;D

kb123

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #389 on: July 02, 2017, 11:02:07 am »
Could you please give me any feedback on my discovery essay and whether you think it would get 15/15 if I incorporate the question well?

Spoiler
An individual, through the process of discovery, has the potential to undergo profound development as their previous values and beliefs are challenged, and when they adapt to new experiences, expose previously concealed truths. These revelations may be indicated in numerous ways, spontaneously or due to the nature of an individual’s environment, posing challenges from the outset which dictate the discovery process and subsequently, confronting situations may arise. Although these situations can challenge an individual, they inevitably lead to new understandings of both themselves and the world. Such ideas are demonstrated in Ernesto Guevara’s memoir “The Motorcycle Diaries” (2003) and Franz Kafka’s novella “Metamorphosis” (1912).

Exposure to new challenges provokes a parallel process of self-assessment, stimulating the development of new values. Guevara’s realisation of widespread suffering, entrenched poverty and its destructive impact is elucidated in his exploration of the “graveyards of the mines”, metaphorically and physically symbolising the hardships faced by the proletariat, enabling the expansion of his world views. Similarly, when Guevara is confronted with the symptomatic deformation of disease in Columbia’s native population, “like a scene from a modern drama”, the observational simile further develops the brutality of South American living conditions. The epiphanic tone in “it is at times like this, when a doctor is conscious of his complete powerlessness, that he longs for change”, spotlights the development of Guevara’s moral principle and alighted sense of duty to make meaningful change. The construction of Guevara’s new value system based on fresh knowledge and understanding spurred the rectification of his past beliefs, conveyed when he ironically states “they were in love with Uncle Sam”, demonstrating Guevara’s loss of ignorance to the exploitive and damaging influence of the US on Latin America. The animal imagery in “the bestial howl of the triumphant proletariat” further symbolises Guevara’s conclusive embracement of socialist ideology and contingent solidification of his developed beliefs and values. Harrowing experiences stimulate the construction of personal ideals and principles by challenging and ultimately reshaping perceptions of the world.

Contrary to Guevara’s epiphanic transformation in his viewpoints, Gregor’s emotional discoveries lead to the development of pessimistic perceptions of himself. The symbolism of “Gregor pull(ing) the sheet down lower” represents the protagonist’s decreasing level of self-respect revealed to be a consequence of his metamorphosis, whereby Gregor’s resentment of his family, a synecdoche for society as whole, catalyses his isolation from mankind. The stark contrast in tone in the family’s beliefs, at first concerned and then hateful “they were ready to help him”/“Gregor has to go,” instigates Gregor’s “conviction… that he would have to disappear”, the high modality language spotlighting Gregor’s realisation of the emptiness of humanity due to their opposition to individuals unfit to play a role in society because of their circumstance. Unlike Guevara, who embraced environmental challenges, Gregor denigrates his self-worth due to his inability to communicate with humanity, exposing the detrimental impact of his realisation of mankind’s unforgiving nature. The reflective mood in “He remained in this state of empty and peaceful reflection...” at the novella’s denouncement illustrates Gregor’s obtainment of a new understanding to what satisfies him through the destruction of self for the desires of society, directing the protagonist in changing his view of life to achieve self-peace. Gregor and Guevara’s contrasting transformations in perceptions elucidate the way confronting realisations may instigate a process of differing self-assessments, catalysing the development of new values.

Consequently, retrospection upon the accumulation of past didactic experiences invigorates personal epiphanies and thus encourages the process of transformation. The radicalisation of Guevara’s personal philosophy catalysed by the conglomeration of realisations is highlighted by the reflective tone of his thoughts concerning the dying woman in La Gioconda: “it is there, that one comprehends the profound tragedy circumscribing the life of the proletariat”. Such reoccurring bildungsroman qualities of the memoir elucidate the maturation of Guevara’s thinking, the metaphor “I was a child of my environment” acknowledging his moral growth catalysed by his experiences. Thus, Guevara’s exposure to penury and exploitation of the marginalised social castes transforms him from a “dreamer” to a “revolutionary” political leader. The juxtaposition of the gustatory imagery “savour” with the olfactory “acrid” in “savours the acrid smell of gunpowder and blood” creates a discomforting synaesthesia to accentuate his new devotion to the “people”, a metonym for the marginalised class in need of social justice. Guevara’s greatest epiphany is revealed in the vignette “tarata, the new world”, where after being confronted by the poverty of the Peruvians, he is emancipated from ignorance and political apathy, faced instead with metaphysical exhaustion symbolised by him being “frozen solid”, to be finally “welcomed with such friendliness” by strangers that changed him irreversibly. External discoveries stimulate the attainment of internal conclusions through a transformative process of reckoning with challenges, experiences, and values.

Furthermore, dependent on an individual’s context, the paradoxical nature of realisations enables both the progression and destruction of an individual. The rhetorical question “Did he really want the warm room… transformed into a lair?” signifies the inner conflict between Gregor’s human and insect instincts, elucidating how Gregor’s agonising experience of seclusion transforms his understanding of his own identity, no longer being able to classify himself as a constituent of humanity. The double entendre of “clean” in “everything was much too deep for him to have scrubbed himself clean”, depicts Gregor’s deterioration of his self-value and priorities of life as a result of his alienation from society, the dismal mood created further emphasising the demoralising impact of his personal discovery regarding the triviality of his existence. In contrast to Guevara’s conclusive transformation into a revolutionary, “Gregor shut himself off altogether”, symbolising how the seclusion Gregor experiences leads to his eventual downfall, revealing the duality of discovery as both a catalyst in the instigation of further realisations or a liquidator of individuals’ ambition to discover. Intensified by its relevance to one’s own context, discovery is inordinately powerful by leading to both new understandings and destroying untainted comprehensions of the self and the world.

Ultimately, the loss of ignorance by the attainment of new values and confronting knowledge influences one’s interpretation of the world, new judgements being developed through the unearthing of unfamiliar ideas and perspectives. However, whether a resultant transformation is advantageous or injurious, an individual will nevertheless be affected profoundly and irreversibly by their journey of discovery of the world.