Should parental acceptance dictate who you date?

[EEEEEEP]

Parents have all sorts of reasons for not liking say ...a guy/girl
(If they are lazy or have bad habits, or are a bad influence.. of course the parents are right but what if...)

They may:
- Not know them well
- Be socially conservative (aka date your own race)
- Be prejudiced (sorta related to the above reason)
- Be elitist (E.g. date a doctor only)
(some of which are fairly unreasonable)

I've experienced in the past and know that it can create a lot of conflict between yourself, your parents and your future bf/gf.

What are your thoughts? If you had a sort of person in mind, but your parents had a different idea, would you let your parents dictate it?

[strawberries]

most of the time I would say, no, it's your choice, it's your life so date whoever you want

although I disagree with the reasons you've listed above as a legtimate reason not to date someone, but sometimes, parents are looking out for you, like they might get bad vibes from someone and are afraid they'd hurt you, irregardless of their race/job etc.

so yeah, my parents would be fairly open to letting me date whoever, but if they had any concerns, I would like to know why and possibly consider. if they only didn't want me to date someone because of their race or job for example, that wouldn't be a legitimate enough reason for me to consider
(re job: probably not an unemployed/'lazy' person though)

EDIT: oops didn't read the thread properly but yeah won't change my response

[vox nihili]

- Be socially conservative (aka date your own race)

This isn't socially conservative. It's racist.



To speak to your point more broadly (as usual, a really interesting topic!), personally I think people should be able to date who they change. However, I realise that the way families treat this issue is really grounded in their cultural values and, to a similar extent, to the dynamics of that family. In some cultures, there is obviously broader acceptance of parents' involvement of children's dating choices, to the extent that in some arranged marriages are the norm.

Some children may seek their parents' advice about relationships. Personally, I think this is the best way to go about it. For many people, having their family like their boyfriend/girlfriend is really important and may make the difference in that relationship. In this case, I think that's pretty fair.

[spectroscopy]

totally depends. My parents wouldn't dislike a girl i bring home unless she is an ice junkie or holds malicious opinions or they get very legitimate bad vibes from them like my life being in danger. in which case i would seriously consider their position (i wouldn't go out with these types of people anyway lol). any other reason they wouldn't really mind. my partner being lazy or having bad habits are really invalid reasons for my anyone to disapprove LOL
 
but if hypothetically my parents did hold up an unreasonable reason for me not to date someone (like race) - I probably would keep going out with them but just not tell my parents. It really wouldn't be that hard to hide lol. If we are dating for like 6 years and she is a serious marriage candidate and we agree on everything from what religion to have the kids and how many children and where we will retire to (LOL) then I would probably come out and say "soz but im marrying this 1 if u like it or not. but i would prefer if u like it". If they still didn't like it and I was certain I liked the person I would still just marry them and go with it. If they would go ahead and do some crazy shit like excommunicate me from the family or something then fuck it. It'd be time to start my own fam hahaha
of course I am answering this from a hypothetical perspective cos no one in my family would care who i date. and if one section didn't like it the other section would like it (or at least pretend to) to get me to side with them in family drama haha

good luck to those of u in a more difficult situation

[Calebark]

Nobody should ever dictate who you date except for yourself. However, I think it's fair for them to have some influence on potential partners*. I value the opinions of those I care about on most aspects of my life -- including dating.

*only if you're on good terms with your parents. otherwise, fuck 'em, they can't control you, you rebel.

[peterpiper]

I agree with the posters above, but I'm sort of imagining myself in the position of going against my parents, and honestly that's something I find so hard to do, even if their reasons are racist/illegitimate. It's something I struggle a lot with in general, whether that is from simple arguments about how to do the dishes to something more personal like choosing sexual/romantic partners, and I can see this being a problem for folks like me, who come from a culturally 'restrictive' background. It may vary from person to person, but it can be absolutely difficult on an emotional level to run counter to your parent's wishes. On one hand you really like this person and would love to be in a relationship with them. But on the other, you also want the emotional support or at least the facade of it from your parents, because you've grown up doing everything you can to please them and it's really shitty and you know this but you do it anyway because in the past you've tried to rebel and it didn't feel good/right. You start thinking about Freud and wonder why it is that his theories aren't 100% true when it explains your situation so well, and you're back where you started before the rebellion with perhaps five steps back from where you last were. It's sort of hard to explain and maybe it's a tad bit irrational. I just find having disapproving parents incredibly painful and emotionally soul-sucking and a worse alternative than the other which is to not date the person that will bring about this episode. I'm not justifying this position and saying that this is a healthy way of dealing with independence/your life, but I can understand absolutely if someone would rather their parents be happy than date a person which might make them unhappy. It sucks, but some of us come from backgrounds that really make free will an impossible paradox where you can't really separate yourself from the 'pack'.

[Calebark]

I agree with the posters above, but I'm sort of imagining myself in the position of going against my parents, and honestly that's something I find so hard to do, even if their reasons are racist/illegitimate. It's something I struggle a lot with in general, whether that is from simple arguments about how to do the dishes to something more personal like choosing sexual/romantic partners, and I can see this being a problem for folks like me, who come from a culturally 'restrictive' background. It may vary from person to person, but it can be absolutely difficult on an emotional level to run counter to your parent's wishes. On one hand you really like this person and would love to be in a relationship with them. But on the other, you also want the emotional support or at least the facade of it from your parents, because you've grown up doing everything you can to please them and it's really shitty and you know this but you do it anyway because in the past you've tried to rebel and it didn't feel good/right. You start thinking about Freud and wonder why it is that his theories aren't 100% true when it explains your situation so well, and you're back where you started before the rebellion with perhaps five steps back from where you last were. It's sort of hard to explain and maybe it's a tad bit irrational. I just find having disapproving parents incredibly painful and emotionally soul-sucking and a worse alternative than the other which is to not date the person that will bring about this episode. I'm not justifying this position and saying that this is a healthy way of dealing with independence/your life, but I can understand absolutely if someone would rather their parents be happy than date a person which might make them unhappy. It sucks, but some of us come from backgrounds that really make free will an impossible paradox where you can't really separate yourself from the 'pack'.

Just to clarify that I am understanding right, you're saying that it's understandable if parents dictate who you date, but it's not justifiable?

[peterpiper]

Just to clarify that I am understanding right, you're saying that it's understandable if parents dictate who you date, but it's not justifiable?

No, I meant that it's understandable if the person opts for the option of not dating someone purely because their parents disapprove, no matter whether the parents disapprove purely on racist/illegitimate grounds. I just don't think it's 100% the best choice, as it does mean that you're renouncing a fair bit of your own autonomy over who should be in your life in favour of pleasing people who may or may not be good for you.