English Same Sex Marriage Presentation

[HoaBui]

Hey can someone take a look at my oral presentation. The context is a museum exhibit. It's still a rough draft that i'm looking to cut down. It  has a visual aid along with it with images and charts.

Welcome to the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s exhibition on Marriage Equality. I’m Dr. Joanne Watson, the museum curator and I’ll be your guide for today. Before we start let me tell you what marriage equality is. Put simply it is a situation in which same-sex couples have the same legal rights as opposite-sex couples. That is they are able to be legally wed. In Australia, based on the fact that same-sex couples cannot be wed, they are denied tax concessions available to opposite sex couples and denied access to superannuation after their partner’s death.
Worldwide 23 countries have legalised same sex marriage, starting with the Netherlands in 2001, with Taiwan soon to be the next country to legalise same sex marriage after a constitutional court ruling in May. So why are we so far behind?
64% of Australians support same sex marriage, most of which are young people. In Australia 2% of people identify as homosexual or bisexual and 12% have experienced same sex attraction.
Australian citizens are not the only ones who are in support of gay marriage. 212 businesses have pledged their support for gay marriage including QANTAS, Commonwealth Bank and the Australian Medical Association. So why is same sex marriage still illegal?
In fact for most of history, not until the renaissance period, homosexuality was well accepted. The first recorded country was in Ancient Egypt, in the 25th Century BC, between 2 royal servants.
Homosexuality was also widely accepted in Ancient Greece, Ancient Rome, Ancient China, Ancient Japan all accepted homosexuality, with many art pieces depicting homosexual acts.
 
Nowadays we are also widely accepting of homosexuals. Many of our major celebrities, the faces we see on television and in movies are homosexual. Zachary Quinto, Ellen Degeneres, Portia de Rossi, Neil Patrick Harris, Kate McKinnon, Sia, Matt Bomer, Jane Lynch and Alexander McQueen all identify as homosexual or bisexual. Unfortunately, having success for some does not outweigh the discrimination and harassment faced by homosexuals. Alexander McQueen was the a leading fashion designer and couturist, founding the successful brand, Alexander McQueen, and winning many awards. McQueen was gay, he knew from the age of six. On the 11th of February 2010 he hung himself in his home. He had been previously diagnosed with depressive disorder and mild anxiety. This is not a lone incident. Many homosexual, after years of blatant rejection and discrimination from the  government and society have committed suicide. This is what our rejection of gay marriage is doing to people.
Jadin Bell was 15 when he killed himself. After years of intense bullying, both in person and online, Bell hung himself from a playground of a local primary school. After 15 days he was taken off life support and passed away. After his death, his father started a charity Faces for Change and planned a walk across America to raise awareness. Halfway through the walk he was struck dead by a truck.
Carl Joseph Walker Hoover and Jaheem Herrera were both 11 when they died. Although they never came out as gay they were bullied relentlessly for being so. Barely old enough to know what suicide was the two hung themselves in their family homes to be found by their family members.  What are we doing so wrong that leads to 11 year olds killing themselves. It is a well known fact that children’s behaviour reflect adults. When we blatantly reject same sex marriage and homosexuals we are setting a precedent for children to bully others about their sexuality. These bullies are barely old enough to understand the impact their behaviour can have but we are. We should be setting an example for our children, showing them that everyone should be accepted no matter what race, sexuality or gender.  Jamey Rodemeyer, an activist on Youtube and his blog also hung himself in his home at the age of 14. Tyler Clementi, after being cyberbullied and recorded by his roommate for being gay jumped to his death off a bridge. Leslie Cheung was the teen heartthrob and pop icon of Hong Kong. He was openly bisexual, one of the first celebrities to come out. After years battling depression, caused by bullying because of his identity, he committed suicide throwing himself off the 24th floor of the Mandarin Oriental Hotel. Alan Turing is known as the father of computer science. He was  a computer scientist, mathematician, logician, cryptanalyst, philosopher and theoretical biologist. In 1952 he was prosecuted for homosexual acts and as a result was chemically castrated. He killed himself 2 years later poisoning himself with cyanide.
Homosexuals have the highest rate of suicidality. There are 14 times more homosexuals attempting suicide than heterosexuals with 15.7% reporting suicide ideation. The first suicide attempt usually occurs at age 16. Rates of mental illness and self harm is greatest in young adults and teens, with homosexual teens 2 times more likely to than heterosexual teens.
How can we improve these statistics? Same-sex marriage. When we reject same sex marriage we are rejecting our children, telling them that we do not love or accept them. Research from the Black Dog Institute has shown that the legalisation of same sex marriage in the US has reduced high school suicides by 7%. That is 134,000 teens being saved by gay marriage each year. That is higher than the population of Samoa.
This wall is the future. It represents all the future homosexuals and bisexuals. It is our mission to prevent any more faces popping up on this war. Children suffering from bullying because of their sexuality and teens who feel alone and unaccepted by society.  Coming out of this exhibit we should do our best to prevent any more unnecessary deaths. Show your support for our children by showing your support for gay marriage. Pledge your support for gay marriage by signing the petition on your way out and leave a supporting message for children suffering from our government’s rejection. Thank you.

[scout]

Hey can someone take a look at my oral presentation. The context is a museum exhibit. It's still a rough draft that i'm looking to cut down. It  has a visual aid along with it with images and charts.

Welcome to the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s exhibition on Marriage Equality. I’m Dr. Joanne Watson, the museum curator and I’ll be your guide for today Personally, I find it odd that a museum tour guide would deliver a long, persuasive speech. But I'll take it.. Before we start let me tell you what marriage equality is. Put simply it is a situation in which same-sex couples have the same legal rights as opposite-sex couples. That is they are able to be legally wed. <-- you could also use this short, sharp sentence to highlight just how simple marriage equality is  = therefore, opponents are being over-sensitive In Australia, based on the fact that same-sex couples cannot be wed, they are denied tax concessions available to opposite sex couples and denied access to superannuation after their partner’s death.
Worldwide 23 countries have legalised same sex marriage, starting with the Netherlands in 2001, with Taiwan soon to be the next country to legalise same sex marriage after a constitutional court ruling in May. So why are we so far behind?
64% of Australians support same sex marriage, most of which are young people. In Australia 2% of people identify as homosexual or bisexual and 12% have experienced same sex attraction.
Australian citizens are not the only ones who are in support of gay marriage. 212 businesses have pledged their support for gay marriage including QANTAS, Commonwealth Bank and the Australian Medical Association. So why is same sex marriage still illegal?
In fact for most of history, not until the renaissance period, homosexuality was well accepted. The first recorded country was in Ancient Egypt, in the 25th Century BC, between 2 royal servants.
Homosexuality was also widely accepted in Ancient Greece, Ancient Rome, Ancient China, Ancient Japan all accepted homosexuality, with many art pieces depicting homosexual acts.
 
Nowadays we are also widely accepting of homosexuals <-- I like this status update, b/c it compels listeners to align their views with you (since you seem to represent the majority). But your subsequent anecdotes seem to contradict this.. Many of our major celebrities, the faces we see on television and in movies are homosexual. Zachary Quinto, Ellen Degeneres, Portia de Rossi, Neil Patrick Harris, Kate McKinnon, Sia, Matt Bomer, Jane Lynch and Alexander McQueen all identify as homosexual or bisexual. Unfortunately, having success for some does not outweigh the discrimination and harassment faced by homosexuals. Alexander McQueen was the a leading fashion designer and couturist, founding the successful brand, Alexander McQueen, and winning many awards. McQueen was gay, he knew from the age of six. On the 11th of February 2010 he hung himself in his home. He had been previously diagnosed with depressive disorder and mild anxiety. This is not a lone incident. Many homosexual, after years of blatant rejection and discrimination from the  government and society have committed suicide. This is what our rejection of gay marriage is doing to people. I like the tonal change in this paragraph, demonstrated by a few of the blunt, colder phrases - ensure you display that in your actual delivery, too!
Jadin Bell was 15 when he killed himself. After years of intense bullying, both in person and online, Bell hung himself from a playground of a local primary school. After 15 days he was taken off life support and passed away. After his death, his father started a charity Faces for Change and planned a walk across America to raise awareness. Halfway through the walk he was struck dead by a truck.
Carl Joseph Walker Hoover and Jaheem Herrera were both 11 when they died. Although they never came out as gay they were bullied relentlessly for being so. Barely old enough to know what suicide was the two hung themselves in their family homes to be found by their family members.  What are we doing so wrong that leads to 11 year olds killing themselves. It is a well known fact that children’s behaviour reflect adults. When we blatantly reject same sex marriage and homosexuals we are setting a precedent for children to bully others about their sexuality. These bullies are barely old enough to understand the impact their behaviour can have but we are. We should be setting an example for our children, showing them that everyone should be accepted no matter what race, sexuality or gender. good appeals to parental duty  Jamey Rodemeyer, an activist on Youtube and his blog also hung himself in his home at the age of 14. Tyler Clementi, after being cyberbullied and recorded by his roommate for being gay jumped to his death off a bridge. Leslie Cheung was the teen heartthrob and pop icon of Hong Kong. He was openly bisexual, one of the first celebrities to come out. After years battling depression, caused by bullying because of his identity, he committed suicide throwing himself off the 24th floor of the Mandarin Oriental Hotel. Alan Turing is known as the father of computer science. He was  a computer scientist, mathematician, logician, cryptanalyst, philosopher and theoretical biologist. In 1952 he was prosecuted for homosexual acts and as a result was chemically castrated. He killed himself 2 years later poisoning himself with cyanide.
Homosexuals have the highest rate of suicidality. There are 14 times more homosexuals attempting suicide than heterosexuals with 15.7% reporting suicide ideation. The first suicide attempt usually occurs at age 16. Rates of mental illness and self harm is greatest in young adults and teens, with homosexual teens 2 times more likely to than heterosexual teens.
How can we improve these statistics? Same-sex marriage. When we reject same sex marriage we are rejecting our children, telling them that we do not love or accept them <-- very good! You're showing how all of this links to listeners themselves - perhaps if you do this earlier, your listeners will be able to relate to you more, and thus be more interested from the start because your current opening is quite heavy with stats.. Research from the Black Dog Institute has shown that the legalisation of same sex marriage in the US has reduced high school suicides by 7%. That is 134,000 teens being saved by gay marriage each year. That is higher than the population of Samoa.
This wall is the future. It represents all the future homosexuals and bisexuals. It is our mission to prevent any more faces popping up on this war. Children suffering from bullying because of their sexuality and teens who feel alone and unaccepted by society.  Coming out of this exhibit we should do our best to prevent any more unnecessary deaths. Show your support for our children by showing your support for gay marriage. Pledge your support for gay marriage by signing the petition on your way out and leave a supporting message for children suffering from our government’s rejection. Thank you.

Disclaimer: I'm also in Yr 12

Your take on this issue is good    And you use several good persuasive techniques. I agree with you about the length; to shorten it, I think you should condense two areas - facts + anecdotes. Currently, you have 5 facts and 5 anecdotes - it's becoming somewhat like a list. Take some out, and really add flesh to the remaining ones - make your stories come to life! E.g. I really liked Alexander McQueen's story until it ended    Keep developing listeners' emotional attachment to him. Anecdotes are so powerful.

Also, it seems like you have 2 main arguments: (a) marriage equality is widely accepted by society - why not in Aus? (b) marriage equality will reduce suicides committed by homosexuals. Both of these are good, and look at the benefits of achieving marriage equality.

Have you considered also talking about the importance of marriage equality? Just taking a step back from all the legislative aspects of the issue, why even bother? Why is it such a necessity to support same-sex couples? - e.g. our values of equality... also their sexual orientation doesn't necessarily make them inhumane in any way, in fact, maybe even on the contrary, etc. In that way, you can delve further into the moral side of it too, which I think could add more depth & sophistication to your speech.

I hope this helps. All the best HoaBui!