For eclipse:
Here you go - on the whole it was very good. I've mostly commented on the things I thought could be improved, so obviously there are plenty of great bits as well.
Prompt: 'Subverting reality is easier than accepting it'.
Crushing the Caterpillars
By Michael Leunig
Back when I was an inhabitant of Australian suburbia, before being surrounded by vast green acres and greeted in the morning by an iguana as I slurp my coffee, the sight of a peculiar, modest butterfly could cause an unexplainable sense of hope and wonder to brew within me.it's good, but the leunig-y-ness isn't exactly subtle. Pick the iguana or the butterfly, not both, and would he really say 'vast green acres'? Seems more like something he would satirise One summer morning, one of these little creatures decided to follow me as I was walking home. The fluttering of its wings, as it refused to stay put, was almost a declaration of liberty; something we, mere men, can only dream of and produce movies about. The 'wild irregularity' of it was inspiring and breathtakingly beautifulwould leunig say 'inspiring and breathtakingly beautiful'? Both are wordy and I would say overused, and not the kind of 'beautiful' you see in celebrity magazines. Flying rings around my head to form an invisible but very present halo, it moved about me, curiously,provokingly, almostagain, good but could certainly be more subtle.. It didn't merely take up space, but owned it. It beamed in its own radiating uniqueness. After it had studied me for long enough, it positioned itself at the tip of my nose causing me to become momentarily cross-eyed. It flaunted itself before saying, "Michael mate, don't you wish you had a pair of wings like mine?" Indeed, I did.
'If only i could be like [it]. If only I could wear my true coat'.
Females these days, walk around stumbling like drunks on tightropes because they feel the need to challenge gravity and attach metal lengths to the soles of their shoesagain, great idea but the bluntness is letting you down a bit I think. 'metal lengths' - really? prongs, spikes are both a bit better imo. And how about those skinny jeans that cannot be gentle on any man's... manhood? Thank you dear, little creature I thought. I finally understood the mass hypermania surrounding the way people dress themselves, like it is some sado-masochistic competition to see who can inflict the most pain and discomfort on themselves and bear it the longest. Why, they are simply searching for their wings.good leunig-y last sentence - but why? I know part of his style is to flit around between different ideas, but I think it's a bit jarring here
Yet, no amount of sparkly powder or lip colour applied with great gusto and a paint brush, can replicate the 'larrikin coat' the butterfly wears. I don't even think Chanel can concoct the turquoise the creature bears proudly. Do you need the 'I don't think' part? Not a huge change, but read it over and see if it sounds more authentic without.
We are in this everlasting pursuit for a pair of our own wings that we become oblivious to, or rather, willingly choose to disregard the pair nature has granted us withgreat idea but wordy? 'Too often, in the hunt for a fresh pair of wings we lose sight of what we already have' - not sure. We 'deny or crush in ourselves' this 'vitality'. We must physically 'bomb or torment' ourselves, in the name of 'enhancement' or 'be cast into the abyss'.IMO, if you're writing 'as' Leunig you shouldn't need quotation marks, I would think. Just as we look at an undisturbed, green paddock, relishing in all its glorious simplicity and see a shopping centre, we look at ourselves, in the form nature intended us to be, as a construction sitedoes leunig idealise a green paddock? I think talking about the bush would maybe have more potential.. "I want to be different, just like everybody else", 'is the prevailing maxim'. 'Lao Tzu said so wisely a long time ago..., 'true art does not look like true art'. 'We might extend this to say that' true authenticity does not look like authenticity. Definitely wouldn't use the inverted commas here - looks like you're copying huge slabs of the text when you make the argument as effectively in your own words. Quotes are not a requirement for context.
'It is difficult to imagine anytime in history when so many people claiming to be free have lived in so much fear of being unattractive'. It is difficult to imagine why a race which expresses a burning desire for individuality does so by adopting the lingo, diet habits, and picture poses of their neighbour or perhaps their neighbour's neighbourgood. It is difficult to fathom that this democratic, politically correct, feminist country we live in can be so repressingyeah... don't know about feminist, merely because it has connotations not necessarily relevant or supporting to your piece.. However, it is impossible to comprehend that our well-educated, technology-savvy, smooth talking, duck faced, Facebook friends, politicians, bus drivers and companions on this planeti wouldn't have two 'list' sentences in a row, but that's just me believe that by bedazzling their exterior, they are in fact nourishing their interiors. Yes, there seems to be this universal understanding that a new hairstyle or, perhaps, a quirky tattoo can make you your own person, almost like you're curling or inking your soul! not bad
We don't value our 'hearts and minds', reducing them to 'the dumping grounds for... spiritual poisons'. We have become enslaved to 'The Pursuit of Unhappiness', with the goal of being desirable, 'attractive in any of its many forms - charming, strong, good- looking, successful, groovy, brilliant, amusing or rich'. bleh, definitely don't use quotation marks.The journey we must endure to reach that unattainable goal is not important, after all, we can endure it, in the same way the ozone layer is enduring it. It's alright, we should just suck it up and take it all in, what we think doesn't matter. The 'dictator', otherwise or more commonly known as, the media would have it no other way. No need for one of us mere mortals to interfere with the mass soul raping.
All the time we take ruthlessly denying our beauty, is all the time we have to spend to become awakened to the fact that its staring at us through the mirror. In the search for truth, we are blinded to it. It is all there in its raw form - in its heartfelt, palpable embodimentgood. But truth can't be that simple. Or so we are told. So, instead we convulse and complicate it so that it becomes more twisted and destructive than hurricane Irene. Rather than hear the beautiful, turquoise butterfly utter, it would have been a lot easier to ignore it, perhaps, disregard it all together; label it under the heading of 'imagination'. Why, I must be losing my mind! You see, 'it takes soul to believe in soul. Let's call it psyche if it makes it more scientifically acceptable'. In an attempt to be realists, we in fact become shunners of authenticity.adding to what I said on the quotation marks - it makes it way too clear what's leunig and what's you pretending to be leunig. You haven't quite got his style down, which means it's jarring to switch between the two.
The bland outside of a cocoon is only containing 'the outlandish beauty' the world can't seem to handle. Every so often, Mother Nature decides to send us a glimpse of optimism and out of a cocoon comes the true meaning of aesthetic greatness, of spirit, originality, and the epitome of freedom. It nourishes our deprived, counterfeit souls - 'a form of Holy Communion'. 'The absolute truth of the situation begins to gleam'. 'The heart rises'. Sorry, Great Mother, I don't think we've taken the hint yet.
'We kill all the caterpillars then complain there are no butterflies', John Marsden.
Ok. Great use of the text and provocative ideas. I think you haven't quite grasped leunig's style yet - you wrote this a while ago so no doubt you're getting closer.
It's obviously difficult to give specific advice for something like that, but my general observation is that your sentences are too convoluted and you use words he wouldn't use and imagery I don't think he would use. I would try and imitate the way he plays with language - 'true art does not look like art', 'manicured madness', things like that. You can use your words a lot more carefully and to greater effect.
In short, I would try to think like a wanker - you're convinced that you're smarter than everyone else, that you notice things (in nature, people's behaviour etc) that other people are too thick or too distracted to notice. That should give you the confidence to be a bit more out there in your expression, rather than resorting to the same whose reality wank that every other piece is going to use.
That said, I imagine this would still score pretty well, but I think you can get a lot more out of it.