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Author Topic: Free SOR Essay Marking!  (Read 76490 times)

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jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #30 on: March 30, 2016, 09:06:13 pm »
Hi, I was wondering if you could mark my religion essay on Maimonides.
I know my essay is too long so could I have help on cutting down my words?
Thank you so much!  :)

Hey vwarner! Welcome to the forums  ;D I'd love to! I've attached your essay below with some helpful comments:

Spoiler
JUDAISM – MAIMONIDES
“Religious traditions change over time, often due to the influence of specific individuals or schools of thought. These individuals or ideas may offer new interpretations and redirect the future path of the religion.”
Analyse the above statement, referring to a significant person (Moses Maimonides) or school of thought other than Abraham or Moses.


Moses Maimonides (Rabbi Moshe ben Maimon) is extremely influential as he offered new interpretations of Jewish beliefs and sacred texts. He redirected the path of Judaism by strengthening it against threats from the Almohads and classical philosophy. Without Maimonides contributions, Judaism may have died out and not be the living religious tradition it is today. A living religious tradition is one that is dynamic and changes according to the needs of its time and followers, without losing the central ideas. I feel the order of your sentences here is slightly off, I think this should be your first sentence! If you want to focus on living religious traditions (awesome idea), you should put it first. Maimonides encompassed all these aspects of a living religion, thus having a massive effect on past and present adherents through his ‘Mishneh Torah’, ‘Commentary on the Mishneh’ (Perush Ha-Mishnayot), and ‘The Guide to the Perplexed’ (Moreh Nevuchim). These writings combined with his strong leadership, helped strengthen Judaism by making it accessible to Jews in all different contexts. His significance is shown through his tombstone which says,
“From Moshe to Moshe, there arose none like Moshe.”
‘None’ suggests that Maimonides is irreplaceable and emphasises his status as the second Moses. A good introduction! I think all the pieces are here, maybe just need to be reordered. Try starting with a more conceptual statement, relating to the quote, like your living religious tradition statement. Start abstract, then say how YOUR personality demonstrates the required idea. I also think you need a concluding sentence to hammer home your main idea, I'm not sure whether your essay is focusing on living religious tradition, or just contribution. Finally, quotes don't need new lines in essays  ;D

Maimonides offered new interpretations of Jewish law and guidance through his ‘Mishneh Torah’, where he ordered and clarified the complex Talmud into simpler form. In your topic sentences, try to link to the quote/main idea! This was the first systematic and comprehensive codification of the entire Jewish law. The ‘Mishneh Torah’ included mitzvot that cannot be observed until the Messiah comes, which allows Judaism to be altered to suit adherents in each time period. Even though Maimonides facilitated and enhanced study of the Torah through the ‘Mishneh Torah’, it aroused opposition as some believed it diminished the importance of the Talmud. This is because Maimonides didn’t use references and in the introduction he gave the impression of wanting to cut out study of the Talmud as he said
“…A person who first reads the Written Torah and then this work will know from it the whole of the Oral Torah”.
From this statement some assumed that Maimonides wanted to weaken the Talmud. However, most people realised that it made studying Judaism easier, especially as it was written in Hebrew. The last 2-3 sentences have discussed something irrelevant to the question. Be sure to focus on the impact on the religion/adherent, how is Judaism different TODAY because of the Mishneh Torah, or HOW did it change Jewish history? Through the Mishneh Torah he offered new interpretations of the Torah and the Talmud, making them more accessible for both scholars and everyday Jews. It consolidated adherents in an Islamic-dominated society, redirecting the path of Judaism by preventing Jews from converting to Islam and therefore allowing the religion to continue. In modern day, Jews who don’t have the time or effort to read the Talmud can still learn about the major beliefs and laws in the ‘Mishneh Torah.’ Without Maimonides new interpretation, people may have viewed the laws and guidance as too outdated to for modern society, so Judaism would no longer be a living religious tradition. This once again reveals how Maimonides redirected the future of Judaism. Awesome finish, wow you turned that paragraph around spectacularly! Everything beyond my prior comment is fantastic, if you are looking for words to trim, there is an answer.

Maimonides offered fresh interpretations of Judaism through his ‘Commentary on the Mishneh’ (Perush ha-mishnayot). Same issue as before, but also, try to work on a new wording for your topic sentence! The same 'interpretations' sentence over and over becomes a little repetitive for the marker. In this work he gathered the binding laws from the Talmud and explained the meaning of each mitzvot, outside the context of rabbinical discussion. It linked learning the Torah and putting the laws into practice. This redirected the path of Judaism as it made the Torah more accessible, as it was clear, concise, and designed to be understood by all Jews; past and present. Fantastic! This last sentence should be the focus, you could trim the prior two into one? This work included Maimonides ’13 principles of faith’ which gave Jews simple statements of belief. At first the principles were controversial, but they eventually formed the basis of various Jewish creeds, and are added to editions of the Talmud today, showing how he redirected Judaism. Cool! The first five principles talk about the existence of God so they reaffirm his oneness, incorporeality and eternity. The next four principles deal with God giving his law to Moses, strengthening the belief in the Covenant and the divinely inspired moral law. The last few deal with God’s omniscience and the coming of the Messiah (which reform and conservative Jews don’t believe in). Through these principles he redirected the future path of Judaism as even modern Jews can relate to them as their major beliefs are highlighted in a universal sense.This paragraph is much more focused than the last, still take care to continue focusing on how the personality has made an observable impact on Judaism! You do not need to describe his work in great depth, just the impact.

Maimonides innovative philosophical work ‘The Guide to the Perplexed’ (Moreh Nevuchim) was extremely important as he showed that science and religion could co-exist; a completely new concept. This strengthened the validity of Judaism against threats of classical philosophy, such as Aristotle. While this absolutely brilliant as a concept, you need to link back to the main idea straight away! He redirected the path of Judaism as without this interpretation Judaism would’ve been undermined, and the religion may have dissipated. Some Scholars saw contradictions in Jewish theory, specifically God’s incorporeality in contrast to the anthropomorphic depictions of God in sacred texts. However Maimonides validated Judaism by explaining that where religious doctrine is incompatible with logic, it should not be taken literally. This reinforces the belief in one God as he showed that God is eternal, omnipresent, omnipotent and pure spirit, by saying that phrases such as ‘the finger of god’ should be interpreted figuratively. By making Judaism and science complementary, he consolidated and redirected Judaism in a time of division between Sephardic and Ashkenazic Jews. Fabulous! Are there actual ways we can see these impacts today? There was controversy surrounding the work as some believed that Maimonides was undermining Judaism by emphasising the rational. However, this work made the irrational, rational, redirecting the faith by preventing it from potential collapse. Maimonides impact can be seen through Soviet scholar Vitali Naumkin who said
Maimonides is perhaps the only philosopher…who symbolises a confluence of four cultures…”
This quote establishes that Maimonides has been widely appreciated by scholars many years later in Jewish and non-Jewish societies. His impact is seen through famous Christian scholar Thomas Aquinas using Maimonides’ theories as a basis for his own writings. THis paragraph is again fantastic, but it needs a conclusion like the first two!

In Maimonides’ ‘Book of Commandments’ (Sefer–Ha–Mitzvot) he listed and defined the 613 commandments simply and clearly. He organized the mitzvot into positive (e.g. ‘And you shall love God, your Lord) and negative (e.g. ‘do not murder’), helping Jews understand how to live life morally and have a good relationship with God. By following the moral laws, Jews adhere to the Covenant which is the cornerstone of Judaism. Through his interpretation of the Covenant, Maimonides redirected the future of Judaism by keeping the faith strong against threats from the Almohads. Maimonides helped Judaism be a dynamic religion today as the commandments still apply to modern society, and can help current adherents with decision making. As I read, I am realising that I am wanting some more concrete examples of how Judaism TODAY has been impacted by the personality. Are there any significant practices influenced by his writings? Any ethical teachings which stem specifically from his work? You are doing this in places, but not everywhere.

In addition to his works, Maimonides offered new interpretations of solving community issues when became a Nagid in Egypt. People wrote to him for advice on how to manage their communities, and he wrote various responses (teshuvot), displaying his leadership. His responses helped Judaism stay strong against Almohad invasion, redirecting Judaism by preventing it from dying out. Maimonides also formed a ‘Golden Ladder of charity’ where he ranked tzedakah (charity) actions from most to least honourable. This solidified Jews’ idea of ‘deed before creed’ and reinforced the core ethical teaching of Tikkun Olam, once again strengthening Judaism. Maimonides’ impact on Judaism was seen when he died because Egyptian Jews endured three days of mourning and applied his death to the verse
“The ark of the Lord has been taken”
By referring to the ‘ark’ which is the vessel for the Covenant between God and Moses, it highlights his high status by showing that he has the ability to explain the Covenant and interpret the Lord’s message. Maimonides new interpretations had a huge impact on Judaism, shown by many referring to him as ‘Nesher Gadol’ (The Great Eagle), which reflects his unique ability to perceive the big picture. I would say, in an essay based on writings, this paragraph seems out of place by itself. 4 paragraphs on writings, then one on something else, seems a little out of balance!

Maimonides works offered new interpretations of Judaism’s beliefs, which redirected the future path of the religion by helping it stay significant through different time periods. Without Maimonides’ writings and leadership, it is unlikely Judaism would be the living religious tradition it is today. Through his clear ordering and meaningful analysis of Jewish texts, Maimonides consolidated Judaism in a time of threats from the Almohads and classical philosophy. Maimonides effect on Judaism is still evident today, with major beliefs of Judaism enforced, and many adherents following his guidance. This is a great conclusion! The only thing I'd suggest is perhaps incorporating dynamic/living religious tradition, you use it in the introduction and throughout the essay, be sure to re-emphasise it now.

This is a great essay!  ;D you have some really sophisticated analysis of the writings involved, some awesome ideas, and lots of examples  ;D

Some things I'd say you could do to improve:

- I think your introduction needs some work to have a clear Thesis. You touch on a few different things, I'm looking for a focused and centralised Thesis, which will in this case need to work with the quote. Rework what you have and try to make everything a little more focused, don't stray over to living religious tradition after discussing contribution, link the two!
- While you have a wealth of examples, there are areas where I think you need to flesh out your ideas a little more. When you say "strengthened Judaism" or "redirected Judaism", you need to give me specifics. Exactly what about Jewish history was changed. And, something I didn't get too much detail for, how is the MODERN adherent affected? I know the focus of this question is history, but this is still important, especially if you are going down the living religious tradition path.
- Some of your detail is irrelevant, if it doesn't relate to the impact on the religion, then you can cut it out. This should help you bring your word limit down (PS - you are at about 1300 words, I'd be looking to cut this to 1000 words to start, and then lower as determined by your writing speed).
- Your final paragraph feels out of place, since everything else is on writings. I would keep the focus there, UNLESS you can create a better balance.

So in summary, you have fantastic ideas, but I'd say that your essay needs a stronger central argument/Thesis (which you should aim to back up in your topic sentences and conclusions), and some more detail away from description of work and more towards the IMPACTS themselves. That said, this is a great essay, and with a bit of work I think you have a winner her. Well done!  ;D

Scarlet

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #31 on: March 31, 2016, 11:19:13 am »
Hi Scarlet!

Okay, so I’ve read over your response. Since you’ve password protected your file I’m going to assume that you don’t want it viewed by the public. I can give you some general feedback just this once, but to make full use of the service next time, you’ll have to allow everyone to view the response! Don’t worry, it is still definitely YOUR work, you are just contributing it as a tool for everyones learning, and in exchange, you get some awesome feedback! Win win  ;D

So, now to feedback. This is a GREAT response, if only too long (which you’ve said you’ll work on, for 7 marks you are aiming for about 1-1.5 written pages). To help you with cutting some words out, remember the focus of the question is on EXPLANATION of ethical teachings. What this means is, for example, “WHY are the ethical teachings the way they are for abortion?"

The focus for this question is the PRINCIPLES, rather than the teachings. The core values of Judaism which are then applied to Bioethics; you are explaining WHY these core values have resulted in the current teachings.

You are already doing this, so yes, you are answering the question. For example, when you discuss the teachings of Tikkun Olam, and the “principles of Bioethics,” you are explaining the reasons behind the teachings. Brilliant! There were, however, one or two spots in the response where you give a teaching without touching on the reasons for said teaching. Instead of explaining, you are instead just describing. Taking out that sort of irrelevant information could help you cut back your word limit. You could also take out the introduction if necessary.

An alternative structure could be:

PARAGRAPH ONE: One major aspect of Jewish bioethics is the principle that “all life belongs to God.” This principle is enshrined in sacred text (insert quote), and manifests in a variety of ethical teachings. For example, the Jewish ethical stance on abortion…"

PARAGRAPH TWO: Another major aspect of Jewish bioethics is...

Doing this would cut some words and shift the focus to the principles. Totally not necessary, just an idea if this structure proves difficult to cut down. It would also allow you to include more issues, but I think this structure works well also. Much a personal preference.

All in all, an absolutely wonderful response. I'm be thinking it close to 7/7, but not quite, maybe a 6/7? Ensuring you focus on EXPLANATION of the REASONS for each ethical stance will push you to a 7/7. Great work!  ;D

Thank you for the feedback !  :)
I'll work on cutting out the unnecessary parts and focusing on the principles.
I've just uploaded the unlocked version for everyone.

jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #32 on: March 31, 2016, 08:03:27 pm »
Thank you for the feedback !  :)
I'll work on cutting out the unnecessary parts and focusing on the principles.
I've just uploaded the unlocked version for everyone.

You are a legend! Be sure to upload an updated version and we'd be happy to give you some feedback on the new version too  ;D

vwarner

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #33 on: April 12, 2016, 08:59:59 pm »
Hey vwarner! Welcome to the forums  ;D I'd love to! I've attached your essay below with some helpful comments:

Spoiler
JUDAISM – MAIMONIDES
“Religious traditions change over time, often due to the influence of specific individuals or schools of thought. These individuals or ideas may offer new interpretations and redirect the future path of the religion.”
Analyse the above statement, referring to a significant person (Moses Maimonides) or school of thought other than Abraham or Moses.


Moses Maimonides (Rabbi Moshe ben Maimon) is extremely influential as he offered new interpretations of Jewish beliefs and sacred texts. He redirected the path of Judaism by strengthening it against threats from the Almohads and classical philosophy. Without Maimonides contributions, Judaism may have died out and not be the living religious tradition it is today. A living religious tradition is one that is dynamic and changes according to the needs of its time and followers, without losing the central ideas. I feel the order of your sentences here is slightly off, I think this should be your first sentence! If you want to focus on living religious traditions (awesome idea), you should put it first. Maimonides encompassed all these aspects of a living religion, thus having a massive effect on past and present adherents through his ‘Mishneh Torah’, ‘Commentary on the Mishneh’ (Perush Ha-Mishnayot), and ‘The Guide to the Perplexed’ (Moreh Nevuchim). These writings combined with his strong leadership, helped strengthen Judaism by making it accessible to Jews in all different contexts. His significance is shown through his tombstone which says,
“From Moshe to Moshe, there arose none like Moshe.”
‘None’ suggests that Maimonides is irreplaceable and emphasises his status as the second Moses. A good introduction! I think all the pieces are here, maybe just need to be reordered. Try starting with a more conceptual statement, relating to the quote, like your living religious tradition statement. Start abstract, then say how YOUR personality demonstrates the required idea. I also think you need a concluding sentence to hammer home your main idea, I'm not sure whether your essay is focusing on living religious tradition, or just contribution. Finally, quotes don't need new lines in essays  ;D

Maimonides offered new interpretations of Jewish law and guidance through his ‘Mishneh Torah’, where he ordered and clarified the complex Talmud into simpler form. In your topic sentences, try to link to the quote/main idea! This was the first systematic and comprehensive codification of the entire Jewish law. The ‘Mishneh Torah’ included mitzvot that cannot be observed until the Messiah comes, which allows Judaism to be altered to suit adherents in each time period. Even though Maimonides facilitated and enhanced study of the Torah through the ‘Mishneh Torah’, it aroused opposition as some believed it diminished the importance of the Talmud. This is because Maimonides didn’t use references and in the introduction he gave the impression of wanting to cut out study of the Talmud as he said
“…A person who first reads the Written Torah and then this work will know from it the whole of the Oral Torah”.
From this statement some assumed that Maimonides wanted to weaken the Talmud. However, most people realised that it made studying Judaism easier, especially as it was written in Hebrew. The last 2-3 sentences have discussed something irrelevant to the question. Be sure to focus on the impact on the religion/adherent, how is Judaism different TODAY because of the Mishneh Torah, or HOW did it change Jewish history? Through the Mishneh Torah he offered new interpretations of the Torah and the Talmud, making them more accessible for both scholars and everyday Jews. It consolidated adherents in an Islamic-dominated society, redirecting the path of Judaism by preventing Jews from converting to Islam and therefore allowing the religion to continue. In modern day, Jews who don’t have the time or effort to read the Talmud can still learn about the major beliefs and laws in the ‘Mishneh Torah.’ Without Maimonides new interpretation, people may have viewed the laws and guidance as too outdated to for modern society, so Judaism would no longer be a living religious tradition. This once again reveals how Maimonides redirected the future of Judaism. Awesome finish, wow you turned that paragraph around spectacularly! Everything beyond my prior comment is fantastic, if you are looking for words to trim, there is an answer.

Maimonides offered fresh interpretations of Judaism through his ‘Commentary on the Mishneh’ (Perush ha-mishnayot). Same issue as before, but also, try to work on a new wording for your topic sentence! The same 'interpretations' sentence over and over becomes a little repetitive for the marker. In this work he gathered the binding laws from the Talmud and explained the meaning of each mitzvot, outside the context of rabbinical discussion. It linked learning the Torah and putting the laws into practice. This redirected the path of Judaism as it made the Torah more accessible, as it was clear, concise, and designed to be understood by all Jews; past and present. Fantastic! This last sentence should be the focus, you could trim the prior two into one? This work included Maimonides ’13 principles of faith’ which gave Jews simple statements of belief. At first the principles were controversial, but they eventually formed the basis of various Jewish creeds, and are added to editions of the Talmud today, showing how he redirected Judaism. Cool! The first five principles talk about the existence of God so they reaffirm his oneness, incorporeality and eternity. The next four principles deal with God giving his law to Moses, strengthening the belief in the Covenant and the divinely inspired moral law. The last few deal with God’s omniscience and the coming of the Messiah (which reform and conservative Jews don’t believe in). Through these principles he redirected the future path of Judaism as even modern Jews can relate to them as their major beliefs are highlighted in a universal sense.This paragraph is much more focused than the last, still take care to continue focusing on how the personality has made an observable impact on Judaism! You do not need to describe his work in great depth, just the impact.

Maimonides innovative philosophical work ‘The Guide to the Perplexed’ (Moreh Nevuchim) was extremely important as he showed that science and religion could co-exist; a completely new concept. This strengthened the validity of Judaism against threats of classical philosophy, such as Aristotle. While this absolutely brilliant as a concept, you need to link back to the main idea straight away! He redirected the path of Judaism as without this interpretation Judaism would’ve been undermined, and the religion may have dissipated. Some Scholars saw contradictions in Jewish theory, specifically God’s incorporeality in contrast to the anthropomorphic depictions of God in sacred texts. However Maimonides validated Judaism by explaining that where religious doctrine is incompatible with logic, it should not be taken literally. This reinforces the belief in one God as he showed that God is eternal, omnipresent, omnipotent and pure spirit, by saying that phrases such as ‘the finger of god’ should be interpreted figuratively. By making Judaism and science complementary, he consolidated and redirected Judaism in a time of division between Sephardic and Ashkenazic Jews. Fabulous! Are there actual ways we can see these impacts today? There was controversy surrounding the work as some believed that Maimonides was undermining Judaism by emphasising the rational. However, this work made the irrational, rational, redirecting the faith by preventing it from potential collapse. Maimonides impact can be seen through Soviet scholar Vitali Naumkin who said
Maimonides is perhaps the only philosopher…who symbolises a confluence of four cultures…”
This quote establishes that Maimonides has been widely appreciated by scholars many years later in Jewish and non-Jewish societies. His impact is seen through famous Christian scholar Thomas Aquinas using Maimonides’ theories as a basis for his own writings. THis paragraph is again fantastic, but it needs a conclusion like the first two!

In Maimonides’ ‘Book of Commandments’ (Sefer–Ha–Mitzvot) he listed and defined the 613 commandments simply and clearly. He organized the mitzvot into positive (e.g. ‘And you shall love God, your Lord) and negative (e.g. ‘do not murder’), helping Jews understand how to live life morally and have a good relationship with God. By following the moral laws, Jews adhere to the Covenant which is the cornerstone of Judaism. Through his interpretation of the Covenant, Maimonides redirected the future of Judaism by keeping the faith strong against threats from the Almohads. Maimonides helped Judaism be a dynamic religion today as the commandments still apply to modern society, and can help current adherents with decision making. As I read, I am realising that I am wanting some more concrete examples of how Judaism TODAY has been impacted by the personality. Are there any significant practices influenced by his writings? Any ethical teachings which stem specifically from his work? You are doing this in places, but not everywhere.

In addition to his works, Maimonides offered new interpretations of solving community issues when became a Nagid in Egypt. People wrote to him for advice on how to manage their communities, and he wrote various responses (teshuvot), displaying his leadership. His responses helped Judaism stay strong against Almohad invasion, redirecting Judaism by preventing it from dying out. Maimonides also formed a ‘Golden Ladder of charity’ where he ranked tzedakah (charity) actions from most to least honourable. This solidified Jews’ idea of ‘deed before creed’ and reinforced the core ethical teaching of Tikkun Olam, once again strengthening Judaism. Maimonides’ impact on Judaism was seen when he died because Egyptian Jews endured three days of mourning and applied his death to the verse
“The ark of the Lord has been taken”
By referring to the ‘ark’ which is the vessel for the Covenant between God and Moses, it highlights his high status by showing that he has the ability to explain the Covenant and interpret the Lord’s message. Maimonides new interpretations had a huge impact on Judaism, shown by many referring to him as ‘Nesher Gadol’ (The Great Eagle), which reflects his unique ability to perceive the big picture. I would say, in an essay based on writings, this paragraph seems out of place by itself. 4 paragraphs on writings, then one on something else, seems a little out of balance!

Maimonides works offered new interpretations of Judaism’s beliefs, which redirected the future path of the religion by helping it stay significant through different time periods. Without Maimonides’ writings and leadership, it is unlikely Judaism would be the living religious tradition it is today. Through his clear ordering and meaningful analysis of Jewish texts, Maimonides consolidated Judaism in a time of threats from the Almohads and classical philosophy. Maimonides effect on Judaism is still evident today, with major beliefs of Judaism enforced, and many adherents following his guidance. This is a great conclusion! The only thing I'd suggest is perhaps incorporating dynamic/living religious tradition, you use it in the introduction and throughout the essay, be sure to re-emphasise it now.

This is a great essay!  ;D you have some really sophisticated analysis of the writings involved, some awesome ideas, and lots of examples  ;D

Some things I'd say you could do to improve:

- I think your introduction needs some work to have a clear Thesis. You touch on a few different things, I'm looking for a focused and centralised Thesis, which will in this case need to work with the quote. Rework what you have and try to make everything a little more focused, don't stray over to living religious tradition after discussing contribution, link the two!
- While you have a wealth of examples, there are areas where I think you need to flesh out your ideas a little more. When you say "strengthened Judaism" or "redirected Judaism", you need to give me specifics. Exactly what about Jewish history was changed. And, something I didn't get too much detail for, how is the MODERN adherent affected? I know the focus of this question is history, but this is still important, especially if you are going down the living religious tradition path.
- Some of your detail is irrelevant, if it doesn't relate to the impact on the religion, then you can cut it out. This should help you bring your word limit down (PS - you are at about 1300 words, I'd be looking to cut this to 1000 words to start, and then lower as determined by your writing speed).
- Your final paragraph feels out of place, since everything else is on writings. I would keep the focus there, UNLESS you can create a better balance.

So in summary, you have fantastic ideas, but I'd say that your essay needs a stronger central argument/Thesis (which you should aim to back up in your topic sentences and conclusions), and some more detail away from description of work and more towards the IMPACTS themselves. That said, this is a great essay, and with a bit of work I think you have a winner her. Well done!  ;D

Thank you so much for the great feedback. It was so useful and really helped me improve my essay :)

Happy Physics Land

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #34 on: June 05, 2016, 12:40:00 am »
Hey Guys!

I have an SOR assessment coming up and I have written a foundational essay in preparation for it. For some reason I never score too well in SOR because I haven't made effective references to the stimulus. If any of you would have a minute to spare can you please have a brief look at my essay??? Thank you so much in advance!!!! <3

“During the normal Hajj, if you break the state of Ihraam (sanctity) between Umrah & Hajj, you shall expiate by offering an animal sacrifice. If you cannot afford it, you shall fast three days during Hajj and seven when you return home – this completes ten – provided you do not live at the Sacred Masjid. You shall observe GOD, and know that GOD is strict in enforcing retribution”
 – Qur’an Surah 2 Verse 196

Evaluate the importance of the Hajj in reflecting and expressing the beliefs of Islam and its impact upon the adherents. In your response, refer specifically to the stimulus provided above.

As the fifth pillar of Islamic faith, the completion of the Hajj – a pilgrimage to Mecca – is pivotal to both the adherents and the religion as a whole because it affirms principal Islamic beliefs and unites different Muslim communities through a series of rituals which ultimately lead to a holistic submission to Allah. The Hajj is highly significant because it promotes a state of Ihraam (sanctity) and allows adherents to retrace the path of Prophet Muhammad, Ibrahim and Ishmael. As an outcome, Muslims are granted access to observe God, and understand that God is strict in enforcing retribution.

The Hajj is a 12-day strenuous pilgrimage to Mecca that every healthy and capable Muslim must undertake at least once in their lives. It requires the individuals to expel Satan, give zakaat, pray for forgiveness and express their beliefs in Tawhid in order to become spiritually fulfilled. As an outcome of completing the Hajj without committing obscenity, Prophet Muhammad claims that “they will come out as the day they were born – pure and free from sins”. The Hajj initiates with the performance of Umrah, during which the adherents place themselves in a sacred state of Ihraam. Adherents then circumambulate around the Ka’bah (Tawaf) and perform the sa’y, which involves walking 7 times between Mount Safa and Marwa. The Dhul Hijjah commences on the 8th day, where Muslims participate in rituals such as Arafat (praying), Jamarat (stoning of devil) and Eid al-Adha (sacrifice of lamb) to strengthen their faith in Allah. These rituals are integral to the Hajj and it is through these practices that the adherents can be empowered by central Islamic beliefs.

As an essential symbol of the Hajj, Ihraam is a state of sanctity which unites all members of the Islamic community and expresses the adherent’s religious preparedness to undertake the pilgrimage. It is a primary component of Umrah which requires Muslim adherents to wear white garments, abstain from perfumes and refrain from profanity, sex or fighting. If a pilgrim breaks the state of Ihraam between Umrah and Hajj, he/she shall expiate by offering an animal sacrifice. If they cannot afford it, then they shall fast three days during Hajj and seven upon return to home (Qur’an Surah 2:196). Ihraam conveys the principal belief of Tawhid – all must surrender to the omnipotence of Allah – through depicting that all adherents are spiritually equal before the one unique God. As a result of complying with physical restrictions of Ihraam, the differences in social status and religious interpretations are eliminated. This effectively unites the umma based upon their common belief in Allah. For individuals, Ihraam is significant because it enables each adherent to develop an acute sense of equality amongst humanity. In addition, Ihraam prepares the adherents for the purification of soul and refinement of faith, as the white garment is symbolic of one’s liberation from obscenity. For contemporary believers who continue to practise the Hajj, their relationships with God and with each other are repaired and strengthened through sincere communications carried out on equal platforms. This allows adherents to become familiarised with God and be blessed in their daily lives.

The ritual of Arafat marks the official commencement to the Hajj and it undertakes a significant role for enhancing the bond between the adherents and God through prayer. It involves the collective supplication, repentance and worship towards the Merciful God on Mount Arafat. As a result, it confirms the Islamic belief in the Judgment Day because it prepares Muslim adherents for the arrival of Allah where all humanity will be stripped off their earthly possessions and be judged through Islamic jurisprudence. Through sacrificing time and carnal desires to become genuinely engaged in prayer, individuals can gain an incessant remembrance and firm love of God. Furthermore, Arafat provides an opportunity for Muslims to experience spiritual rebirth through an increase in piety, virtuousness and patience. For the entire umma, Arafat promotes a universal God-consciousness and a sense of brotherhood and sisterhood amongst all adherents in an environment of prayer. This is reinforced in Qur’an 2:199 “When you file from Arafat, you shall commemorate God … you shall file together … ask God for forgiveness. God is Forgiver, Most Merciful.” For modern believers, Arafat fosters their mental strength, patience, and reminds them of the importance of the daily salat that they must carry out 5 times a day to enhance their bonds with God.

Jamarat, or the stoning of devils, is important for Muslims because this symbolic action expresses their denial towards evil and affirms the Islamic foundational belief in prophets. Historically, Jamarat commemorates Ibrahim’s allegiance towards God as an outcome of his resistance towards the devil’s temptation. It involves the throwing of pebbles towards three pillars (or walls) which represent the three instances upon which the devil entices Abraham to disobey God’s will. Jamarat primarily conveys the belief in Tawhid through challenging the devil, which is symbolic of the adherent’s total submission to the commands and protection of the unique and omniscient Allah. This ritual also recognises the Islamic intrinsic belief in prophets, because it celebrates Ibrahim’s resilience against the devil’s temptation and Ishmael’s willingness to be sacrificed. Jamarat significantly transforms individuals through jihad, where adherents sacrifice their time, strength and money to struggle against external evils. Quran 9:36 similarly proclaims that “You may declare all-out war against the idol worshipers … know that God is on the side of the righteous”, encouraging Muslims to battle with evil. It further unites the umma by bringing together millions of Muslims of all races to form a fellowship for the expulsion of evil. Contemporary adherents who practise the Jamarat during the Hajj can become more resolute in their everyday lives to pursue a holy life, refrain from unethical conducts such as violence and promiscuity, and deny the addictive temptation from drugs and alcohols.

By examining the importance of Ihraam, Arafat and Jamarat to expressing the central beliefs of Islam, the exceptional significance of the Hajj for both the individuals and the umma is manifested. This ritual guides contemporary adherents to avoid breaking the Ihraam, or they will have to expiate by fasting three days during Hajj and seven upon return to home. Evidently, the practise of the Hajj continues to illuminate the everyday lives of believers and culminate in the enhanced spirituality of Muslims through strengthening the bond with Allah.


Thank you guys!!!!!!!!


Best Regards
Happy Physics Land
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elysepopplewell

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #35 on: June 06, 2016, 07:47:15 pm »
Hey Guys!

I have an SOR assessment coming up and I have written a foundational essay in preparation for it. For some reason I never score too well in SOR because I haven't made effective references to the stimulus. If any of you would have a minute to spare can you please have a brief look at my essay??? Thank you so much in advance!!!! <3

Thank you guys!!!!!!!!

Best Regards
Happy Physics Land

Hey HPL! It's worth your knowing that this is quite a difficult SOR question. It would be nasty to get this in an exam! But, it's great for you to prepare an essay for because there's a lot in here that you could use for other essays. It's also a lot to write in a short amount of time - I just want you to be aware of that!

Here is your essay with my comments in bold throughout:
Spoiler
“During the normal Hajj, if you break the state of Ihraam (sanctity) between Umrah & Hajj, you shall expiate by offering an animal sacrifice. If you cannot afford it, you shall fast three days during Hajj and seven when you return home – this completes ten – provided you do not live at the Sacred Masjid. You shall observe GOD, and know that GOD is strict in enforcing retribution”
 – Qur’an Surah 2 Verse 196

Evaluate the importance of the Hajj in reflecting and expressing the beliefs of Islam and its impact upon the adherents. In your response, refer specifically to the stimulus provided above.

As the fifth pillar of Islamic faith, the completion of the Hajj – a pilgrimage to Mecca – is pivotal to both the adherents and the religion as a whole because it affirms principal Islamic beliefs and unites different Muslim communities through a series of rituals which ultimately lead to a holistic submission to Allah. Wonderful!!!!The Hajj is highly significant because it promotes a state of Ihraam (sanctity) and allows adherents to retrace the path of Prophet Muhammad, Ibrahim and Ishmael. As an outcome, Muslims are granted access to observe God, and understand that God is strict in enforcing retribution.

The Hajj is a 12-day strenuous pilgrimage to Mecca that every healthy and capable Muslim must undertake at least once in their lives. It requires the individuals to expel Satan, give zakaat, pray for forgiveness and express their beliefs in Tawhid in order to become spiritually fulfilled. As an outcome of completing the Hajj without committing obscenity, Prophet Muhammad claims that “they will come out as the day they were born – pure and free from sins”. Make sure you give the reference details for this quote - a marker might want to verify!The Hajj initiates with the performance of Umrah, during which the adherents place themselves in a sacred state of Ihraam. Adherents then circumambulate around the Ka’bah (Tawaf) and perform the sa’y, which involves walking 7 times between Mount Safa and Marwa as Hajar and Ishmael did.. The Dhul Hijjah commences on the 8th day, where Muslims participate in rituals such as Arafat (praying), Jamarat (stoning of devil) as Abraham did, and Eid al-Adha (sacrifice of lamb) Zakat, to strengthen their faith in Allah. These rituals are integral to the Hajj and it is through these practices that the adherents can be empowered by central Islamic beliefs.

As an essential symbol of the Hajj, Ihraam is a state of sanctity which unites all members of the Islamic community and expresses the adherent’s religious preparedness to undertake the pilgrimage. It is a primary component of Umrah which requires Muslim adherents to wear white garments, abstain from perfumes and refrain from profanity, sex or fighting because all adherents are equal in the eyes of Allah, regardless of wealth or race. If a pilgrim breaks the state of Ihraam between Umrah and Hajj, he/she shall expiate by offering an animal sacrifice. If they cannot afford it, then they shall fast three days during Hajj and seven upon return to home (Qur’an Surah 2:196). It doesn't hurt you to have this in there, but it also is unnecessary and doesn't add much. In an essay as long as this, you want everything to be punchy and strong. Ihraam conveys the principal belief of Tawhid – all must surrender to the omnipotence of Allah Great! Seriously, great!– through depicting that all adherents are spiritually equal before the one unique God Be consistent - I suggest you use Allah the entire way as you begun.. As a result of complying with physical restrictions of Ihraam, the differences in social status and religious interpretations are eliminated(Wonderful point! Well expressed!). This effectively unites the umma based upon their common belief in Allah. For individuals, Ihraam is significant because it enables each adherent to develop an acute sense of equality amongst humanity. In addition, Ihraam prepares the adherents for the purification of soul and refinement of faith, as the white garment is symbolic of one’s liberation from obscenity. For contemporary believers who continue to practise the Hajj, their relationships with God  and with each other are repaired and strengthened through sincere communications carried out on equal platforms. This allows adherents to become familiarised with God and be blessed in their daily lives. Reiterate that full submission to Allah is the ultimate goal.

The ritual of Arafat marks the official commencement to the Hajj and it undertakes a significant role for enhancing the bond between the adherents and God through prayer. It involves the collective supplication, repentance and worship towards the Merciful God on Mount Arafat. As a result, it confirms the Islamic belief in the Judgment Day because it prepares Muslim adherents for the arrival of Allah where all humanity will be stripped off their earthly possessions and be judged through Islamic jurisprudence. Through sacrificing time and carnal desires to become genuinely engaged in prayer, individuals can gain an incessant remembrance and firm love of God. Furthermore, Arafat provides an opportunity for Muslims to experience spiritual rebirth through an increase in piety, virtuousness and patience. For the entire umma, Arafat promotes a universal God-consciousness and a sense of brotherhood and sisterhood amongst all adherents in an environment of prayer. This is reinforced in Qur’an 2:199 “When you file from Arafat, you shall commemorate God … you shall file together … ask God for forgiveness. God is Forgiver, Most Merciful.” For modern believers, Arafat fosters their mental strength, patience, and reminds them of the importance of the daily salat that they must carry out 5 times a day to enhance their bonds with God.

Jamarat, or the stoning of devils, is important for Muslims because this symbolic action expresses their denial towards evil and affirms the Islamic foundational belief in prophets. Historically, Jamarat commemorates Ibrahim’s allegiance towards God as an outcome of his resistance towards the devil’s temptation. It involves the throwing of pebbles towards three pillars (or walls) which represent the three instances upon which the devil entices Abraham to disobey God’s will. Jamarat primarily conveys the belief in Tawhid through challenging the devil, which is symbolic of the adherent’s total submission to the commands and protection of the unique and omniscient Allah. This ritual also recognises the Islamic intrinsic belief in prophets, because it celebrates Ibrahim’s resilience against the devil’s temptation and Ishmael’s willingness to be sacrificed. Jamarat significantly transforms individuals through jihad, where adherents sacrifice their time, strength and money to struggle against external evils. Quran 9:36 similarly proclaims that “You may declare all-out war against the idol worshipers … know that God is on the side of the righteous”, encouraging Muslims to battle with evil. It further unites the umma by bringing together millions of Muslims of all races to form a fellowship for the expulsion of evil. Contemporary adherents who practise the Jamarat during the Hajj can become more resolute in their everyday lives to pursue a holy life, refrain from unethical conducts such as violence and promiscuity, and deny the addictive temptation from drugs and alcohols.

By examining the importance of Ihraam, Arafat and Jamarat to expressing the central beliefs of Islam, the exceptional significance of the Hajj for both the individuals and the umma is manifested. This ritual guides contemporary adherents to avoid breaking the Ihraam, or they will have to expiate by fasting three days during Hajj and seven upon return to home. Evidently, the practise of the Hajj continues to illuminate the everyday lives of believers and culminate in the enhanced spirituality of Muslims through strengthening the bond with Allah.
 

Hey, great work! Some suggestions:
-Wherever possible, use the Arabic word. You do this most of the time, but just make sure your consistent with little things like Allah/God.
-Reference the stimulus by even focusing on the tiniest little sections of the quote. Take just half a sentence and thread it into the end of a sentence and put the reference to the quote at the end. I can see you've made a conscious effort, but the explicit references to the quote are what gives you the marks. Ideally, you'd reference the stimulus specifically in each and every paragraph.
-Using the Sacred text more - rack up a list of great, easy to use, quotes from the Hadiths and Qur'an - and even scholars! Bank these up in your study notes. Make sure they are the kind of quotes that apply across various questions you could be asked about Hajj. In each paragraph, you want to have a Sacred text reference - if this is the stimulus, so be it. But you can't rely on there being a stimulus to use (although there seems to be a trend of BOSTES doing that now!).

Let me know if this makes sense? Your knowledge of the Hajj isn't doubted for a second. You have a very clear vision of how Hajj works and why, it appears. You should be stoked! It's just a matter of going the extra mile now to secure the top band. Part of that is the stimulus, part of that is referencing.

Hope this helps! :)
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Happy Physics Land

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #36 on: June 07, 2016, 10:17:02 am »
Hey HPL! It's worth your knowing that this is quite a difficult SOR question. It would be nasty to get this in an exam! But, it's great for you to prepare an essay for because there's a lot in here that you could use for other essays. It's also a lot to write in a short amount of time - I just want you to be aware of that!

Here is your essay with my comments in bold throughout:
Spoiler
“During the normal Hajj, if you break the state of Ihraam (sanctity) between Umrah & Hajj, you shall expiate by offering an animal sacrifice. If you cannot afford it, you shall fast three days during Hajj and seven when you return home – this completes ten – provided you do not live at the Sacred Masjid. You shall observe GOD, and know that GOD is strict in enforcing retribution”
 – Qur’an Surah 2 Verse 196

Evaluate the importance of the Hajj in reflecting and expressing the beliefs of Islam and its impact upon the adherents. In your response, refer specifically to the stimulus provided above.

As the fifth pillar of Islamic faith, the completion of the Hajj – a pilgrimage to Mecca – is pivotal to both the adherents and the religion as a whole because it affirms principal Islamic beliefs and unites different Muslim communities through a series of rituals which ultimately lead to a holistic submission to Allah. Wonderful!!!!The Hajj is highly significant because it promotes a state of Ihraam (sanctity) and allows adherents to retrace the path of Prophet Muhammad, Ibrahim and Ishmael. As an outcome, Muslims are granted access to observe God, and understand that God is strict in enforcing retribution.

The Hajj is a 12-day strenuous pilgrimage to Mecca that every healthy and capable Muslim must undertake at least once in their lives. It requires the individuals to expel Satan, give zakaat, pray for forgiveness and express their beliefs in Tawhid in order to become spiritually fulfilled. As an outcome of completing the Hajj without committing obscenity, Prophet Muhammad claims that “they will come out as the day they were born – pure and free from sins”. Make sure you give the reference details for this quote - a marker might want to verify!The Hajj initiates with the performance of Umrah, during which the adherents place themselves in a sacred state of Ihraam. Adherents then circumambulate around the Ka’bah (Tawaf) and perform the sa’y, which involves walking 7 times between Mount Safa and Marwa as Hajar and Ishmael did.. The Dhul Hijjah commences on the 8th day, where Muslims participate in rituals such as Arafat (praying), Jamarat (stoning of devil) as Abraham did, and Eid al-Adha (sacrifice of lamb) Zakat, to strengthen their faith in Allah. These rituals are integral to the Hajj and it is through these practices that the adherents can be empowered by central Islamic beliefs.

As an essential symbol of the Hajj, Ihraam is a state of sanctity which unites all members of the Islamic community and expresses the adherent’s religious preparedness to undertake the pilgrimage. It is a primary component of Umrah which requires Muslim adherents to wear white garments, abstain from perfumes and refrain from profanity, sex or fighting because all adherents are equal in the eyes of Allah, regardless of wealth or race. If a pilgrim breaks the state of Ihraam between Umrah and Hajj, he/she shall expiate by offering an animal sacrifice. If they cannot afford it, then they shall fast three days during Hajj and seven upon return to home (Qur’an Surah 2:196). It doesn't hurt you to have this in there, but it also is unnecessary and doesn't add much. In an essay as long as this, you want everything to be punchy and strong. Ihraam conveys the principal belief of Tawhid – all must surrender to the omnipotence of Allah Great! Seriously, great!– through depicting that all adherents are spiritually equal before the one unique God Be consistent - I suggest you use Allah the entire way as you begun.. As a result of complying with physical restrictions of Ihraam, the differences in social status and religious interpretations are eliminated(Wonderful point! Well expressed!). This effectively unites the umma based upon their common belief in Allah. For individuals, Ihraam is significant because it enables each adherent to develop an acute sense of equality amongst humanity. In addition, Ihraam prepares the adherents for the purification of soul and refinement of faith, as the white garment is symbolic of one’s liberation from obscenity. For contemporary believers who continue to practise the Hajj, their relationships with God  and with each other are repaired and strengthened through sincere communications carried out on equal platforms. This allows adherents to become familiarised with God and be blessed in their daily lives. Reiterate that full submission to Allah is the ultimate goal.

The ritual of Arafat marks the official commencement to the Hajj and it undertakes a significant role for enhancing the bond between the adherents and God through prayer. It involves the collective supplication, repentance and worship towards the Merciful God on Mount Arafat. As a result, it confirms the Islamic belief in the Judgment Day because it prepares Muslim adherents for the arrival of Allah where all humanity will be stripped off their earthly possessions and be judged through Islamic jurisprudence. Through sacrificing time and carnal desires to become genuinely engaged in prayer, individuals can gain an incessant remembrance and firm love of God. Furthermore, Arafat provides an opportunity for Muslims to experience spiritual rebirth through an increase in piety, virtuousness and patience. For the entire umma, Arafat promotes a universal God-consciousness and a sense of brotherhood and sisterhood amongst all adherents in an environment of prayer. This is reinforced in Qur’an 2:199 “When you file from Arafat, you shall commemorate God … you shall file together … ask God for forgiveness. God is Forgiver, Most Merciful.” For modern believers, Arafat fosters their mental strength, patience, and reminds them of the importance of the daily salat that they must carry out 5 times a day to enhance their bonds with God.

Jamarat, or the stoning of devils, is important for Muslims because this symbolic action expresses their denial towards evil and affirms the Islamic foundational belief in prophets. Historically, Jamarat commemorates Ibrahim’s allegiance towards God as an outcome of his resistance towards the devil’s temptation. It involves the throwing of pebbles towards three pillars (or walls) which represent the three instances upon which the devil entices Abraham to disobey God’s will. Jamarat primarily conveys the belief in Tawhid through challenging the devil, which is symbolic of the adherent’s total submission to the commands and protection of the unique and omniscient Allah. This ritual also recognises the Islamic intrinsic belief in prophets, because it celebrates Ibrahim’s resilience against the devil’s temptation and Ishmael’s willingness to be sacrificed. Jamarat significantly transforms individuals through jihad, where adherents sacrifice their time, strength and money to struggle against external evils. Quran 9:36 similarly proclaims that “You may declare all-out war against the idol worshipers … know that God is on the side of the righteous”, encouraging Muslims to battle with evil. It further unites the umma by bringing together millions of Muslims of all races to form a fellowship for the expulsion of evil. Contemporary adherents who practise the Jamarat during the Hajj can become more resolute in their everyday lives to pursue a holy life, refrain from unethical conducts such as violence and promiscuity, and deny the addictive temptation from drugs and alcohols.

By examining the importance of Ihraam, Arafat and Jamarat to expressing the central beliefs of Islam, the exceptional significance of the Hajj for both the individuals and the umma is manifested. This ritual guides contemporary adherents to avoid breaking the Ihraam, or they will have to expiate by fasting three days during Hajj and seven upon return to home. Evidently, the practise of the Hajj continues to illuminate the everyday lives of believers and culminate in the enhanced spirituality of Muslims through strengthening the bond with Allah.
 

Hey, great work! Some suggestions:
-Wherever possible, use the Arabic word. You do this most of the time, but just make sure your consistent with little things like Allah/God.
-Reference the stimulus by even focusing on the tiniest little sections of the quote. Take just half a sentence and thread it into the end of a sentence and put the reference to the quote at the end. I can see you've made a conscious effort, but the explicit references to the quote are what gives you the marks. Ideally, you'd reference the stimulus specifically in each and every paragraph.
-Using the Sacred text more - rack up a list of great, easy to use, quotes from the Hadiths and Qur'an - and even scholars! Bank these up in your study notes. Make sure they are the kind of quotes that apply across various questions you could be asked about Hajj. In each paragraph, you want to have a Sacred text reference - if this is the stimulus, so be it. But you can't rely on there being a stimulus to use (although there seems to be a trend of BOSTES doing that now!).

Let me know if this makes sense? Your knowledge of the Hajj isn't doubted for a second. You have a very clear vision of how Hajj works and why, it appears. You should be stoked! It's just a matter of going the extra mile now to secure the top band. Part of that is the stimulus, part of that is referencing.

Hope this helps! :)

Hey Elyse!

Sorry for the late reply! I just came out of the SOR exam and to be brief, I'm feeling quite pleased about what I have achieved during the exam. I managed to fit majority of my essay into the timeframe, wrote about 9 pages. I had to change a few things around either because I had a mental blank or because it didnt really suit the question. But I editted my work yesterday accordingly to your advices and I added one more scripture reference and two more references to the stimulus. It wasn't as good as I could have done if I just copied my entire essay out but I am feeling pretty pleased about being able to finish my essay off in the set time with a good structure and good content. Thank you very much Elyse for taking out time to give me such valuable feedbacks!!! Your feedback to an extent has fostered my performance today!!!!
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brontem

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #37 on: June 07, 2016, 12:08:15 pm »
Hey!! Here's my SOR essay :) I'm just wondering if it makes sense :) (there's no conclusion yet either)
I'd love for you to take a look, any help is appreciated  :D Thanks !!  ;D

jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #38 on: June 07, 2016, 11:17:52 pm »
Hey!! Here's my SOR essay :) I'm just wondering if it makes sense :) (there's no conclusion yet either)
I'd love for you to take a look, any help is appreciated  :D Thanks !!  ;D

Hey brontem!! Thanks for posting, the essay is attached with feedback as usual (there is no question at the moment, so be sure to take my feedback and frame it for the question at hand)!  ;)

Spoiler
Buddhist ethics are based on the principles of causing no harm to living beings and striving for the welfare of all beings.

In a largely industrialised and materialistic world, western civilisation has dominated over the environment, exploiting it by any means in order to continue a prevailing consumerist culture. This greed-driven perception of the environment is in stark contrast to the understanding and treatment of the environment from the perspectives in Buddhism. Very cool introduction there, I like it! Buddhist environmental ethics completely reject the harming living beings and the environment for material gain - withholding from attachment to material goods and placing more focus on striving on preserving the welfare of all sentient beings. Slightly messy wording there, the point gets lost just a tad along the way. Buddhist ethical teachings and core beliefs highlight cooperation as being the key element to maintaining a flourishing environment. The practice of Buddhist environmental ethics are in response to environmental degradation such as deforestation, animal exploitation and the slaughter of animals for food.  Nice introduction on the whole, good work!

Adherents of Buddhism successfully avoid causing harm to any living beings and achieve respect for the environment through strict, yet reverent obedience to the principle beliefs. The 5 precepts of Buddhism, a part of the dharma, are an ethical guide which promotes the welfare of all living beings. The first precept; "to abstain from harming sentient life forms" is an explicit reminder for Buddhist adherents to maintain a respectful and ethical relationship with the environment. The 8 fold paths’ guides for sila, (living an ethical life) incorporates the principle of ‘right action’ and ‘right livelihood’. Abstaining from harming all sentient beings, also known as ahimsa, allows the adherent to work towards enlightenment, whereby they are released from samsara. Good use of terminology. Acts of good, or kusala, are favourable in the cycle of samsara as it increases the possibility of being reborn as a human; the only sentient form to achieve enlightenment. I feel we have slipped off topic a tad, I'm not getting too much on the environmental ethics side (which you've set as the focus of the response). By adhering to the ethical principles of Buddhism, adherents are enriching their own faith and working towards achieving enlightenment, whilst also preserving the welfare of all living beings. Good paragraph! Did you have any sacred texts in here in some form? (sorry if it slipped in without me realising, I know very little about Buddhism so take my advice with a grain of salt  ;) )

As ahimsa is an ethical goal for Buddhists, the slaughter, exploitation and consumption of animals are all considered unethical, as they all cause harm to living beings. Each year over 3 billion animals are slaughtered, many of these slaughters are done inhumanely. Slightly unnecessary data here, unless you link it to the relevance of the ethical teachings.  Animal exploitation and slaughter is an ethical issue for Buddhists, as it is against the non-violent belief of ahimsa. This is hinted at in the intro, you can be a little more succinct! The Buddhist response to the ethical issues of slaughter is abstaining from the consumption of meat, as it is beneficial to the welfare of all living beings. This is shown by Buddha’s own words; “anyone who eats flesh is cutting himself off from the great seed of his own merciful and compassionate nature”. Good. The reign of King Asoka in the 3rd century BCE heightened the importance of Ahimsa in an ethical Buddhist life - abolishing hunting and sacrifice, and implementing vegetarianism to the public (oxford) in order to prevent harm to any sentient beings. Asoka’s edict of 243BC stressed the importance of ahimsa as it focused on related attributes such as compassion, generosity, truth and purity; all qualities which align with the 1st precept. The exploitation of animals for consumption as food is seen as desire for material items; this is against anatma (the universal transience of life) and anicca (impermanence). The slaughter of animals is condemned by Buddhists as it violates the “right action” and “right livelihood” elements of sila. Excellent links between the principles and the teachings in this paragraph, well done. Buddhists believe that the grasp of desires is the cause of this suffering as a result of being unsatisfied is dukkha, one of the 3 marks of existence. Buddhism's teachings against the exploitation of animals for material gain and satisfaction inherently strive for the protection of living beings and strive to protect their welfare. Great paragraph here, excellent links between the teaching itself (no slaughtering of animals) and the principle (Sila).

Buddhism’s environmental ethics are not only based on protecting the welfare of all sentient beings, but strive to protect their surroundings also. Deforestation involves the clearing of natural forests and woodlands for the purpose of agriculture, logging and developments, and is a devastating ethical issue for the environment. The environment is an integral part for the practice of Buddhism, members of the sangha often resort to the natural environment to find harmony and seclusion from everyday distractions and to practice Samadhi (meditation). Try to be a little more explicit with your links to the topic here. "Deforestation, as a practice damaging to the environment, proves a prominent ethical issue for Buddhists." "Further, the loss of environment proves disruptive to Buddhist practices, as... etc" Being a little more explicit will do wonders for your response here.Trees are an important spiritual symbol for Buddhists, as the Buddha himself was enlightened under the Bodhi tree. Thus, Buddhists consider the environment as living; and strive to protect and maintain the welfare of the natural environment. The violation of the surrounding environment through deforestation violates the 2nd precept of “to not take what is not given”, as humans are exploiting the environment and taking more than what is able to be provided. Deforestation also detrimentally harms the living animals and destroys habitats, which is also a violation of ahimsa and the 1st precept. The Dhammapada (verse 129) instructs against the unethical exploitation of the environment, “Putting oneself in the place of the other, Let no one kill nor cause another to kill.” The stripping of forestation is usually due to the resources which it provides, which are used to mass produce goods to fulfil human desire – this attachment to material items is condemned by the 3rd precept “to refrain from sensual desires” and is an element of the unfavourable traits of raga and tahna (craving and sensuality). Bhikku Bodhi condemns this greed-driven exploitation of the environment; “happiness and wellbeing lie in the satisfaction of our wants and sensual desires”. Buddhism, however, abstains from violating the environment and in turn the living beings within it. This detrimental exploitation is avoided by abstinence from indulgences and advocating for the protection of the welfare of all beings; as dictated by Buddhism’s’ ethical teachings. Another solid paragraph with effective explanations, good work!

This is a great response Brontem! It definitely makes sense and flows quite well. Structurally, it is a tad strange to have one paragraph on beliefs, then two on environmental ethical issues, but this isn't necessarily disruptive to the flow. Still, perhaps consider a third issue instead (if it exists). You explained the relationship between teaching and principle really well throughout, and used your terminology effectively. Your evidence looks REALLY good, like damn you know your stuff, but not doing Buddhism means I can't say for sure if you've made any major omissions. I don't think so though, your knowledge is really impressive  ;D

Your response would benefit from being a little more explicit in places to keep the focus on the issue at hand (and perhaps to the specific question you are answering) Besides that, it works really really well!! Definitely get it looked at by your teacher for clarity, absolutely better to get feedback from someone who has done Buddhism (especially since it is so different to the monotheistic traditions that most students study), I'd hate to steer you in the wrong direction  :)

Great work Brontem!!  :D

brontem

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #39 on: June 09, 2016, 04:22:27 pm »
Hey thanks so much!! The question was literally just that phrase reworded with ? at the end, sorry I didn't clarify that  :D I had the exam today, I pretty much memorised what I wrote (after fixing it up of course - I totally know what you were saying about the badly worded sentences  :-\ ), and in the exam I was conscious of linking to the question :) Thank you so much for your help!!  ;D

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #40 on: June 14, 2016, 11:37:30 pm »
Attention! The essay marking rules have now changed  ;D Due to increasing popularity, and to make sure essay marking services remain accessible for active members of the ATAR Notes community, a new post exchange policy is in effect for all essays below this line. Every 5 ATAR Notes posts qualifies you for one essay to be marked. 50 posts qualifies you for 10 essays, etc. Details can be found at this link! Thanks!  ;D

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #41 on: July 27, 2016, 12:44:16 am »
Attention! The essay marking requirements have been updated, in effect for every essay posted below this mark  ;D The post exchange rate has now been increased to 15, that is, every piece of feedback is now worth 15 posts. 3 essays marked needs 45 ATAR Notes posts, 10 essays needs 150 posts, etc etc. The full essay rules are available at this link! Thanks everyone!  ;D

levendibigd

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #42 on: September 07, 2016, 04:05:05 pm »
Hey! I was wondering what is the best way to structure a SOR1 (20 mark) essay? (e.g. intro = provide description, and key points going to be discussed...) Any suggestions? :)

jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #43 on: September 07, 2016, 09:43:52 pm »
Hey! I was wondering what is the best way to structure a SOR1 (20 mark) essay? (e.g. intro = provide description, and key points going to be discussed...) Any suggestions? :)

Hey there!! I wrote this article earlier in the year, I talk about my preferred structure there, it might be of some help for you! ;D

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #44 on: October 02, 2016, 09:16:07 pm »
If anyone would be interested in marking my short answer responses for the 2013 SOR II paper, That would be awesome. Thanks so much Guys!!!

Question 1 Buddhism:
a) i. Outline one sig practice within Buddhism from the following: (Temple Puja)
One significant practice of Buddhism is temple puja, which involves celebrating and praying to Buddha at temples and monasteries. it involves worshipping, praying, lighting incense and preparing various symbolic items such as water. A bells also plays a symbolic part in temple puja, notifying adherents when it is time to pray.
Mark    /3


ii. How significant for the Buddhist community is the practice identified in
part i: (Temple Puja)

Temple Puja is a significant part of Buddhism as it enables adherents to take part in worshipping their god, Buddha. In this practise, Buddhists provide offerings to the symbolic statues of Buddha found at Monasteries. These offerings include water which represents the purification of the mind and soul, candies providing a sense of enlightenment and flowers which represent thankfulness, respect and impermanence. Before a Buddhist enter the temple, They will take of their shoes as a sign of respect, then proceed to bowing to Buddha three times in the shrine room. As soon as Buddhists have touched their chest signifying mind, body and soul, they will recite the five precepts and three jewels as a way of praying. Buddhists then circle Buddha in the same motion in which the planets rotate around the sun.
Mark    /6


b) Explain ethical teaching in Buddhism in one of the following areas: (Enviro Ethics)
Environmental Ethics is a major component of Buddhist as Buddhists believe that the environment holds a cause and effect principal. Buddhists believe that all things exist by and interrelationship with other parts of nature, to think of ones self as isolated from the rest of nature. "Do not harm a living organism" is the first of the five precepts. Ashoka, a momentous Buddhist was known for forbidding the killing of animals for resources and also establishing hospitals for people and animals. Two groups, Green Sangha and Eco Buddhism strive for teaching Adherents about history whilst supporting Peace and care for the environment.
Mark    /6



Question 4 Islam:
a) i. Outline the contribution to Islam of ONE significant person or school of
thought other than Muhammad and the Four Rightly Guided Caliphs: (Temple Puja)

Rabi'a al-Adawiyya is a significant Muslim who influenced the tradition of Islam to adopt certain aspects which made prodigious changes to the culture. As Islam, during the 1st Century was under turmoil, she restored peace and became and inspiration, trough how she lived her life. This involved praying and sleeping on a simple reed mat and engaging in philosophical disputes with men which was seen as an impressive act as Iraq was under domestic rule. Rabi'a was  a prime example of an Ascetic.
Mark    /3


ii. How effective has the significant person or school of thought identified
in part (a) (i) been in the development and/or expression of Islam?

Rabi'a  al-Adawiyya was a par of various culture changes which impacted the tradition of Islam. These included the teachings of fundamentals to her religion which was exemplified through her ascetic lifestyle. In  Rabi'as writings, she discussed devotional love towards Allah, spreading the message that he should be liked for his own sake. Surpassing the boundaries of women, Rabi'a engaged in discussions with males which were deemed appropriate. She proclaimed that "You must conceal your good deeds as you conceal your evil deads" as a way of elaborating the importance of doing good deeds but not talking about them explicitly.
Mark    /6


b) Explain ethical teaching in Islam in one of the following areas: (Enviro Ethics)
"To God belongs all that is on heavens and on earth" (Qur'an). Environmental Ethics is a compelling teaching in Islam which teaches adherents to love and care for the environment. All ethics derive from the Qur'an, where Muslims learn that "God has created the earth like a majestic palace". It is believed that despite the amount of waste produced from animals, as well as the death of species, the earth has the ability to clean itself to the point that this death and waste is not even visible. Green Muslims assist Adherents in caring for the environment by teaching about Inner and world Peace, and how those concepts brings Muslims closer to the environment.
Mark    /6


Section Three, Introduction to Q2:

Discuss the relationship between at least TWO of the aspects shown in the diagram on page 16
and the way they contribute to Christianity as a living religious tradition.

Christianity is the worlds most practised religion which combines the use of significant Adherents, Ethics and practices to teach Christians about the important principals and meaning to life. There are various significant people in the Christian religion, who make a difference and inspire others such as Pope John XXIII. Ethics, specifically, environmental Ethics, shape Christians into pursuing the restoration and moral/ethical care for the environment as well as others. Practices are essential and provide support in worshipping the Christian God, jests and Holy Spirit which is known as the Holy Trinity.
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