Hi Lauren,
I wrote an expository essay on the prompt: "powerful control reality". I'm pretty sure it's horrendous at the moment (1st time writing one!
Could you have a look at it and give me honest criticism?
I'm sure I have a lot to improve on the linking with the context, fluency and a lot of things. Feel free to edit it and you can insert sentences/ phrases that would improve it.
Could you also do a sample conclusion for me that relates to the bigger picture?
"first paragraph is an excellent place to clarify the definitions in the words/phrases you're using, especially for context where words like 'conflict' and 'reality' and 'power' get tossed around in essays so much that no one knows what they mean any more. Waaaaay too many essays at the end of the year will simply take a key word and run with it, never explaining what it means." Could you give me an example of this?
Please be really super harsh. Also, the text I am studying is Shark Net at the moment, so have I mentioned it enough in the expository? Should I be aiming for 5o: 5o ratio?
Powerful control reality:
Once it was within my sight, I could not resist her longing gaze, her transparency. Her sleek body gleamed under the dingy light, illuminating two creamy, butterscotch biscuits bound eternally by the sticky, fresh raspberry jam that made any child sigh dreamily. It was two in the morning, and my body was stiff and my lips were dry from cleaning the orphanage from five in the morning. I dressed the younger kids in starched, colourless clothes, swept the floors, polished the vase and replaced the flowers. My hands drew to the jar that sat coyly on the Master William’s mahogany desk like a magnet. Grabbing one I hastily stuff it in my mouth and innocently resume to work. As I was munching quickly, my eyes find Madame Dowell and I freeze in shock. “No, Carolina. Stealing is a sin, worse than adultery”. I was put outside to sleep that night. Next morning, I caught her eating from a jar. “Ahh, nothing more like a sweet treat to liven up the morning”. I gaze at her with faint distaste. “Go along, Carolina” Somehow, stealing from the jar was alright this time.
“powerful” figures around the world alter and manipulate their accounts of events to justify their actions or to prevent people from seeing the harsh reality. Kim Jong Eun restricts every part of civilian life in order to keep them oblivious to the freedom they deserve, while the US falsified their progress information in the Vietnam War to the US civilians, to prevent them from hearing about embarrassing defeats. However, on a smaller scale parents are the most domineering figures in a child's life. Under the assumption that their child may take dramatic turns in life in exposure to confronting and promiscuous events, many parents restrict a child's reality of the world. This brings up Robert Drewe in the Shark Net. His father's ritual burning of the 'Mirror', as well as his revulsion towards public display of anything that would be sexually suggestive that often surfaced outside through his occasional 'coughing fits', Drewe's curiosity and eagerness of this unentered territory grows feverishly in adolescence. This may have been a contributing factor to his early-received paternal role to a son because of his distorted world-view stemming from his parents' reality on intimate relationships.
However, it is not to say that dominant figures “control” reality because there are multitudes of realities to be considered. While the influenced individuals could uphold an outer veneer of a certain reality required from them from a higher power, essentially their personal, interior reality of the society and the world is often stagnant during lifetime. For example, in George Orwell’s 1984, a dystopian novel depicting a society under an utmost power of the Big Brother, the protagonist of the novel, Winston Smith looks no different from any other brain-washed citizens of the society. He works under the government institution responsible for erasing and editing past history for the benefit of the Party and uphold the outer appearance required to prevent being punished. While the “powerful” have encouraged him to adopt a persona and accept this suffocating reality of the society, it essentially does not “control” his reality as he believes, personally and privately that there is something that must be corrected in this society; his illegal diary keeping and search for the Brotherhood attests this. Similarly in Shark Net, Eric Cooke is bound by the necessity to abide by the social rules as an individual working and living in a human society. As a result he is forced to fabricate his reality of the world by smiling and being friendly to his boss’s son, Robert. However, this social obligation does not “control” his own reality of the world, which was a severe resentment against society.
While the more controlling individual may impact on another’s reality, sometimes it is not even clear who is more “powerful” one. In Enduring Love by Ian McEwan, Jed Parry upon encountering Joe Rose on a fatal balloon accident believes that the world is revolving around his imaginary love affair with Joe. Parry is suffering from De Clerambault’s syndrome which makes him to have intense delusions that Joe is in love with him However, Joe, in response to this stranger’s obsessive demonstration of his undying love with letters, stalking and calling, cannot help but act detached, indifferent and quite cold. Jed accuses him for “playing” with him and lying for his amusement and cries “You are very cruel… But you’ve got all the power” In Jed’s mind, suffering from this condition Joe has the ability to transform him from his content self to an aggressive, messy fit. However, the continuous harassing from Jed eventually changes Joe as well- his marriage with Clarissa breaks down and he buys guns to protect himself from Jed’s capricious behaviour that often turns into life-threatening violence. Jed’s behaviour ultimately changes Joe’s reality on morality as well as his once happy marriage. They both change each other, but in this case the powerful figure is not so apparent.
[conclusion]
I know I haven't used a lot of external sources, but what else could I have used?
Also, if the prompt was: A child's world is shaped by their parent's reality
What kind of "big" ideas could I discuss, I don't think I would be able to produce a nice piece on this prompt (if I was given it on the day of the SAC) without repeating I said over and over again or just stating a few examples to support the same contention in the whole essay
Thank you!!!
(so many questions
)
You are a lifesaver