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Author Topic: English Standard Essay Marking  (Read 128309 times)

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mohanedibrahim1

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Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #150 on: March 23, 2017, 04:59:52 pm »
Question- compose a piece of imaginative writing which explores the unexpected impact of discovery. Use one of the images in the next page as the central element of your writing.

Does this mean that I need to write a whole sophisticated narrative.

jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #151 on: March 23, 2017, 07:31:40 pm »
Question- compose a piece of imaginative writing which explores the unexpected impact of discovery. Use one of the images in the next page as the central element of your writing.

Does this mean that I need to write a whole sophisticated narrative.

Hey! Yep, you'll likely be writing a narrative - It doesn't necessarily need to have a full beginning-middle-end, but it should be fully formed with a story arc that matches your intentions (EG - you might finish at the climax and skip the resolution) :)

But you could also do a speech, a diary entry, or a feature article! Imaginative writing takes many forms :)

Aussie1Italia2

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Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #152 on: March 24, 2017, 10:54:27 am »
Hi, here's my essay for Module A: Experience Through Language, Elective Distinctive Voices. Can you please make sure everything makes sense? Thank you.
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jakesilove

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Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #153 on: March 25, 2017, 01:16:39 pm »
Hi, here's my essay for Module A: Experience Through Language, Elective Distinctive Voices. Can you please make sure everything makes sense? Thank you.

Hey! Check my comments below;

Original Essay
Spoiler
The diverse views on the world can be exhibited through unique voices. These voices can be either negative or positive in nature and which cause the personas and audience to view the world in either a destructive or optimistic light. In Komninos’ poem, ‘back to melbourne’ the personas’ voice is nostalgic in the beginning but turns cynical towards the end. Contrastingly, Nelson Mandela’s speech, ‘Address in Capetown, 1990’ beholds a positive voice filled with justice and the oppressed rising up against the oppressors; Mandela did this speech after being released from three decades as a political prisoner for protesting against Africa’s apartheid and prejudice against people of colour. Thus, both composers utilise their distinctive voices to sway the audience to perceive the world from their perspective.
In ‘back to melbourne’, Komninos coerces the viewer into hearing a nostalgic voice. The use of lists does this as the persona in the poem recounts what he remembers of Melbourne, ‘…carlton cappuccino coffee comfort and the continuing cavalvade of manicured madonnas marching the streets pursued by battalions of Italian stallions…’ and uses this to emphasise how not much has changed over time and the city itself seems to be stuck in a single moment. The emphasis on this causes the audience to be placed into a negative frame of mind. Contrastingly, Mandela’s use of triads in the ‘Address to Capetown, 1990’ puts stress on his voice in being one of justice and equal rights. The quote ‘…peace, democracy and freedom…’ is an example of this and reveals how Mandela sees the world as full of potential and light thus influencing the audience into believing it also.
Komninos ‘back to melbourne’ hints that from the personas’ point of view Melbourne’s own ‘voice’ has not changed. This is revealed via the repetition of ‘same’ through the poem. The repetition leads the audience to consider that Melbourne has not changed which adds to their idea that the voice in the poem is one of nostalgia. Opposingly, in ‘Address to Capetown, 1990’, Mandela changes his dialect from English to Xhosa, a major black South African language. The change in dialect is to remind the audience that he is the voice of the oppressed black South Africans who make up the majority the South African population. This allows the audience that he is performing in front of him (which is made up majorly of black South Africans) to know he is with them even after his time in prison which may have had an adverse effect on him.
The rhyming of ‘…blast into the past…’ in ‘back to melbourne’ draws the audience attention to the voice’s return to a place that he put behind him. It is this that leads the audience to form the idea that the voice may have changed opinion since that moment. This indicates that an individual’s view on the world can change overtime due to numerous positive and negative experiences. Similarly to Komninos’ repetition of ‘same’, Mandela has repeated ‘I salute…’ throughout his speech, this displays his thankfulness to those who  continued the fight for equal rights while he was in prison such as the African National Congress (ANC) and various other organisations and individuals. This coerces the audience to be more grateful for the material and non-materials they possess and to perceive the world through rose-coloured glasses.
The quote ‘has-been melbournian’ is a stimulating word choice for Komninos. This shapes the negative tone of the voice in the poem. It clues the audience in to the persona’s dislike for Melbourne and the past. This in turn, unknowingly impacts the viewers to shape their own opinion of the world to be pessimistic in nature. Correspondingly to Komninos enjambment, Mandela has utilised assonance in his speech. An example of this is ‘…other actions of our organisations…’ (the assonance is on the ‘o’) which not only acknowledges the other individuals and organisations contribution to the fight for equal rights amongst black and white people but adds flow and therefore more confidence and conviction to his voice. The confidence and conviction convinces and persuades society to his perception of the world; an optimistic perception.
Henceforth, both composers: Komninos, the poem ‘back to melbourne’ and Nelson Mandela’s ‘Address to Capetown, 1990’ speech have skilfully utilised various techniques, those that have been discussed and have not been discussed, to sway the audience to their perceptions of the world. The poet and speaker do this whether their point of view is despondent or buoyant and overall exhibit original expressions.

Essay with comments
Spoiler
The diverse views on the world can be exhibited through unique voices. These voices can be either negative or positive in nature and which cause the personas and audience to view the world in either a destructive or optimistic light. I'm not sure this sentence makes sense. Do you mean that an individual is capable of perceiving the work in both a positive and negative way, and thus the way a character discusses their perspective will lead to a similar feeling in the audience? Maybe just neaten up the sentence; read it outloud to make sure that it makes sense! In Komninos’ poem, ‘back to melbourne’ the personas’ voice is nostalgic in the beginning but turns cynical towards the end. Contrastingly, Nelson Mandela’s speech, ‘Address in Capetown, 1990’ beholds a positive voice filled with justice and evokes notions of? the oppressed rising up against the oppressors; Mandela did this speech after being released from three decades as a political prisoner for protesting against Africa’s apartheid and prejudice against people of colour. He 'made' the speech. Thus, both composers utilise their distinctive voices to sway the audience to perceive the world from their perspective. Great! The thesis is strong, and easily understood. I think you could rework some of your sentences, just to make them a little less clunky. Read them out loud, and if they sounds a little off, change them. Still, great introduction!

In ‘back to melbourne’, Komninos coerces the viewer into hearing a nostalgic voice. The use of lists does this Instead, when discussing techniques, say something like 'the use of the technique of lists results in...' as the persona in the poem recounts what he remembers of Melbourne, ‘…carlton cappuccino coffee comfort and the continuing cavalvade of manicured madonnas marching the streets pursued by battalions of Italian stallions…’ This quote is way too long; remember that you'll have to memorise this for an essay! and uses this to emphasise how not much has changed over time and the city itself seems to be stuck in a single moment. Great The emphasis on this causes the audience to be placed into a negative frame of mind. Explain a little more. Are they imagining the static nature of time? The dullness of their city? What is the audience feeling? Contrastingly, Mandela’s use of triads in the ‘Address to Capetown, 1990’ puts stress on his voice in being one of justice and equal rights. The quote ‘…peace, democracy and freedom…’ is an example of this and reveals how Mandela sees the world as full of potential and light thus influencing the audience into believing it also. Good, but you need to spend more time on Mandela. Go into more depth regarding the technique, or the emotion that is evoked.

Komninos ‘back to melbourne’ hints that from the personas’ point of view Melbourne’s own ‘voice’ has not changed. Again, rework this sentence. This is revealed via the repetition of ‘same’ through the poem. The repetition leads the audience to consider that Melbourne has not changed which adds to their idea that the voice in the poem is one of nostalgia. Okay, but so what? What is the composer actually trying to display? What will an audience feel? Opposingly, in ‘Address to Capetown, 1990’, Mandela changes his dialect from English to Xhosa, a major black South African language. The change in dialect is to remind the audience that he is the voice of the oppressed black South Africans who make up the majority the South African population. This allows the audience that he is performing in front of him (which is made up majorly of black South Africans) to know he is with them even after his time in prison which may have had an adverse effect on him. You need to spend more time analysing specific techniques. The change in language may be a technique, but if it is you need to find a specific way to emphasise that. Also, remember that an English marker cares about the impact a composer has on their audience. The specific audience of the Mandela speech is slightly relevant, but the general feeling of the piece is far more important.

The rhyming of ‘…blast into the past…’ in ‘back to melbourne’ draws the audience attention to the voice’s return to a place that he put behind him. It is this that leads the audience to form the idea that the voice may have changed opinion since that moment. This indicates that an individual’s view on the world can change overtime due to numerous positive and negative experiences. Similarly to Komninos’ repetition of ‘same’, Mandela has repeated ‘I salute…’ throughout his speech, this displays his thankfulness to those who  continued the fight for equal rights while he was in prison such as the African National Congress (ANC) and various other organisations and individuals. This coerces the audience to be more grateful for the material and non-materials they possess and to perceive the world through rose-coloured glasses. Coerce isn't the right word. Coerce has negative connotations. You need to spend more time thinking about specific, relevant, and interesting techniques that the composers use in their work. Repetition is good, but simile/metaphor etc is much better. I would recommend not using repetition multiple times in the same essay.
 
The quote ‘has-been melbournian’ is a stimulating word choice for Komninos. This shapes the negative tone of the voice in the poem. It clues the audience in This is probably a bit too colloquial to the persona’s dislike for Melbourne and the past. This in turn, unknowingly impacts the viewers to shape their own opinion of the world to be pessimistic in nature. Correspondingly to Komninos enjambment I don't think you've used enjambment correctly here, Mandela has utilised assonance in his speech. An example of this is ‘…other actions of our organisations…’ (the assonance is on the ‘o’ This isn't necessary) which not only acknowledges the other individuals and organisations contribution to the fight for equal rights amongst black and white people but adds flow and therefore more confidence and conviction to his voice. Great, this is exactly what you need more of! Identify the technique, explain the point of the technique, and explain the IMPACT of the technique The confidence and conviction convinces and persuades society to his perception of the world; an optimistic perception.

Henceforth, both composers: Komninos, the poem ‘back to melbourne’ and Nelson Mandela’s ‘Address to Capetown, 1990’ speech have skilfully utilised various techniques, those that have been discussed and have not been discussed ???, to sway the audience to their perceptions of the world. The poet and speaker do this whether their point of view is despondent or buoyant and overall exhibit original expressions.

Good essay overall, but you could definitely improve it in sections (see my comments above). I think it might be worth rereading your texts again, to see if you can find some more interesting techniques. English teachers love to see a variety of techniques, rather than just multiple instances of the same techniques. I would rework your conclusion; it isn't really a clear continuation of your thesis.
I've only really included things that I think you could improve on, because there's no point telling you you're amazing everytime you write something good! It's a great essay, with areas that you can improve. Good luck!

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arunasva

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Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #154 on: May 01, 2017, 02:12:33 pm »
Discoveries may compel individuals to affirm, or challenge, their perspectives on themselves and the wider world.


New experiences may lead to fresh understandings.Through such understandings individuals gain new ideas and outlooks which can challenge their previously held beliefs. At times these experiences may also lead to confronting revelations which challenge people’s beliefs thereby impacting them.  Discoveries may involve new and confronting revelations which affect people by changing their perceptions on themselves and the world and hence their character. This is highlighted in Ernesto Guevara’s autobiography “The Motorcycle Diaries” which outlines the blooming of his personality with his journey around Latin American and Edgar Allan Poe’s gothic horror story “Tell Tale Heart” where an unknown narrator attempts to convince the reader that he is sane by narrating a story of him committing a murder.

Discoveries may encompass confronting revelations which are impactful. Individuals may undergo experiences which are unpleasant. These create understandings which are difficult to face and accept therefore influencing people’s values and perceptions. In The Motorcycle Diaries, Ernesto encounters various experiences  which are distressing and such encounters shape his outlook on the world around him and himself. He encounters poverty for the first time in Valparaiso and says “Our distended nostrils inhaled the poverty with sadistic intensity.” The use of a rhetoric device of synesthesia and a subjective voice in these lines depict the intensity of his disappointment at having encountered such a harsh discovery therefore suggesting how discoveries can have considerable impacts. A similar  confronting discovery is made when Ernesto discovers the ill treatment of the indigenous Indians and refers to them as “a cargo of human livestock…” His expression here with the use of a metaphor objectifies the Indians and hence shows how he was so dismayed by their treatment that he compared them to animals. Such confronting experiences were so influential that they evoked strong emotions from Ernesto.

In the “Tell Tale Heart” the narrator makes confronting discovery and like Ernesto and the discovery has strong impacts on him.  The story begins in medias res that is abruptly as the narrator says True! --nervous --very, very dreadfully nervous...why will you say that I am mad?” Through this the author draws attention to the narrator’s very unusual and emphatic speech, implying he is mentally unstable. Furthermore the repetition of the word “mad” in phrases such as “How, then, am I mad?”  also stresses on the narrator insanity. However since the discovery of his true state is of a conflicting nature it impacts the narrator significantly, as he becomes heavily delusional. Through the symbolism of “the eye” the author shows the effects of a confronting discovery. “The eye” with a film over it represented the denial of the truth by the narrator and when the narrator murdered the old man because of his eye, it symbolised how confronting discoveries can have such deep impacts that they change people and influence their actions. Both Ernesto and the unknown narrator make confronting discoveries, although it does have varying impacts on both of them, the impacts are very intense, hence confronting discoveries can have powerful effects.



Discoveries may involve new experiences which instill new values in individuals. By discovering something new, individuals gain new understandings which accordingly reform an individual's mindset. Having previously led a bourgeois lifestyle, when Ernesto endures hardships for the first time in his journey, it enriches his morales and he gains new values. When he comes across a communist couple whom he describes as “numb with cold, huddling up against each other in the desert night” he says they are a “living representation of the proletariat...” Here we see that by enduring new ordeals he has gained new ideals as he is able to empathise with a poor suffering couple. The use of analogy to compare them to the proletariat reveals how he gained new political and economical ideals, something he previously lacked. Hence, new experiences gave him different ideals and beliefs.

Discoveries change individuals’ perceptions and hence change their character. When an individual changes their outlook on the world their personality also changes. This is evident in The Motorcycle Diaries. When Ernesto initially sets out on the journey he says “...Distant countries, heroic deeds and beautiful women spun around and around in our turbulent imaginations…” Here there is a very youthful tone in his voice. Moreover, his perceptions of the world around him are also immature. However, once he discovers hardship and pain he matures and gains a new perception of the world. For an instance when he visits Chuquicamata he compares it to a “ scene from a modern drama.” referring to the severe oppression of the people and the sadness they endure.   This shows the newer level of understanding he gains, as he begins to understand the reality of the world. Also his earlier words create an impression of a youthful traveller, yet at the end of the book he says “when the great guiding spirit cleaves humanity into two antagonistic halves, I will be with the people.” Here he uses a much more mature tone and his words present him as an experienced person who is aware of his purpose in life, hence there is a change in his character.
In Tell Tale Heart, the protagonist constantly maintains a very cold and emotionless tone. He seems to have no humane feelings other than anger and anxiety. This is evident, when he brags about killing the old man. “I was never kinder to the old man than during the whole week before I killed him.” This tone continues, until he discovers the sound of the heartbeat. Throughout the story, when he encountered that sound, there were sudden character. Talking about the heartbeat he says ,“The old man's terror must have been extreme!” Here he suddenly displays the quality of empathy something not seen throughout the story. Therefore the heart was a representation of the guilt within the narrator, something he discovers through his experiences and finally this cause him to change to the point that he admits his deed.  Like Ernesto, the narrator’s character was influenced by the discovery that he made.

Therefore discoveries influence people in a variety of ways. Due to their confronting nature discoveries can challenge individuals’ understandings and perceptions. Furthermore, by exposing them to newer experiences they can instill new values in people. These impacts tend to be so grave that they lead to the change in character of individuals and give them new values and outlooks of themselves and the world around them.
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jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #155 on: May 01, 2017, 02:45:41 pm »
Discoveries may compel individuals to affirm, or challenge, their perspectives on themselves and the wider world.

Hey arunasva! You are a few posts short of feedback, you need 15 to qualify for an essay marked! :)

arunasva

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Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #156 on: May 13, 2017, 09:05:39 pm »
Hey arunasva! You are a few posts short of feedback, you need 15 to qualify for an essay marked! :)

posts that help others ? or anything ?
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Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #157 on: May 13, 2017, 11:56:20 pm »
posts that help others ? or anything ?

Pretty much anything (that isn't spammy) - You qualify now! We'll get you feedback on this asap :)

jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #158 on: May 15, 2017, 12:05:55 am »
Discoveries may compel individuals to affirm, or challenge, their perspectives on themselves and the wider world.

Hey!! Your essay is attached with comments in the spoiler below:

Spoiler
Discoveries may compel individuals to affirm, or challenge, their perspectives on themselves and the wider world.


New experiences may lead to fresh understandings. What sort of fresh understandings? Of what? Be sure to be specific. Through such understandings individuals gain new ideas and outlooks which can challenge their previously held beliefs. What is the difference between understandings, outlooks, ideas and beliefs? A lot of these terms mean very similar things so it's impacting the clarity of your ideas. At times these experiences may also lead to confronting revelations which challenge people’s beliefs thereby impacting them. Again, too vague - Experiences of what? Impacting them how? Discoveries may involve new and confronting revelations which affect people by changing their perceptions on themselves and the world and hence their character. Not 100% clear what you mean by this, "hence their character," do you mean it impacts how they are portrayed? This is highlighted in Ernesto Guevara’s autobiography “The Motorcycle Diaries” which outlines the blooming of his personality with his journey around Latin American and Edgar Allan Poe’s gothic horror story “Tell Tale Heart” where an unknown narrator attempts to convince the reader that he is sane by narrating a story of him committing a murder. Try and add a more conclusive final sentence - Right now, especially with the ambiguity in your earlier sentences, I'm not 100% clear on exactly what your essay will be arguing.

Discoveries may encompass confronting revelations which are impactful. As with your intro, this is quite vague - Impactful how? What sort of revelations? Individuals may undergo experiences which are unpleasant. How does this relate to your prior sentence? Feels a little out of place. These create understandings which are difficult to face and accept therefore influencing people’s values and perceptions. In The Motorcycle Diaries, Ernesto encounters various experiences  which are distressing and such encounters shape his outlook on the world around him and himself. He encounters poverty for the first time in Valparaiso and says “Our distended nostrils inhaled the poverty with sadistic intensity.” Try not to retell the plot - Only the quote is the important bit so you can extract and analyse the technique. The use of a rhetoric device of synesthesia and a subjective voice in these lines depict the intensity of his disappointment at having encountered such a harsh discovery therefore suggesting how discoveries can have considerable impacts. Good analysis! Still a little vague though, what impacts? I want you to be really specific with what you are saying. A similar  confronting discovery is made when Ernesto discovers the ill treatment of the indigenous Indians and refers to them as “a cargo of human livestock…” His expression here with the use of a metaphor objectifies the Indians and hence shows how he was so dismayed by their treatment that he compared them to animals. Putting the quote and technique in the same sentence would improve your clarity. Such confronting experiences were so influential that they evoked strong emotions from Ernesto. What emotions? Again, be specific - And again make sure to have a proper conclusion to your paragraphs. "Thus, ______."

In the “Tell Tale Heart” the narrator makes confronting discovery and like Ernesto and the discovery has strong impacts on him. Vague. The story begins in medias res that is abruptly as the narrator says True! --nervous --very, very dreadfully nervous...why will you say that I am mad?” I think a little expression issue at the start there? Through this the author draws attention to the narrator’s very unusual and emphatic speech, implying he is mentally unstable. What does this show abotu Discovery as a whole, beyond the text? Furthermore the repetition of the word “mad” in phrases such as “How, then, am I mad?”  also stresses on the narrator insanity. Good analysis! How does this relate to Discovery? However since the discovery of his true state is of a conflicting nature it impacts the narrator significantly, as he becomes heavily delusional. Try not to just explore the impacts on the narrator - You need to explore impacts on audience, why it is important to the reader. Through the symbolism of “the eye” the author shows the effects of a confronting discovery. “The eye” with a film over it represented the denial of the truth by the narrator and when the narrator murdered the old man because of his eye, it symbolised how confronting discoveries can have such deep impacts that they change people and influence their actions. Watch for retell/recount - You can tell because you switched to past tense. Both Ernesto and the unknown narrator make confronting discoveries, although it does have varying impacts on both of them, the impacts are very intense, hence confronting discoveries can have powerful effects. Again, the impact isn't explored with enough detail in the paragraph.

Discoveries may involve new experiences which instill new values in individuals. By discovering something new, individuals gain new understandings which accordingly reform an individual's mindset. These two sentences say essentially the same thing. Having previously led a bourgeois lifestyle, when Ernesto endures hardships for the first time in his journey, it enriches his morales and he gains new values. Retell and vague. When he comes across a communist couple whom he describes as “numb with cold, huddling up against each other in the desert night” he says they are a “living representation of the proletariat...” Retell -
 Don't just tell me what happened!
Here we see that by enduring new ordeals he has gained new ideals as he is able to empathise with a poor suffering couple. The use of analogy to compare them to the proletariat reveals how he gained new political and economical ideals, something he previously lacked. The technique being two sentences away from the quote is really tricky for the marker to follow - Again, try and get them in the same sentence!Hence, new experiences gave him different ideals and beliefs.

Discoveries change individuals’ perceptions and hence change their character. When an individual changes their outlook on the world their personality also changes. This is evident in The Motorcycle Diaries. When Ernesto initially sets out on the journey he says “...Distant countries, heroic deeds and beautiful women spun around and around in our turbulent imaginations…” Retell. Here there is a very youthful tone in his voice. Try not to assign techniques to characters - It is the composer who makes these decisions, all recognition goes to them. Moreover, his perceptions of the world around him are also immature. However, once he discovers hardship and pain he matures and gains a new perception of the world. Retell. For an instance when he visits Chuquicamata he compares it to a “ scene from a modern drama.” referring to the severe oppression of the people and the sadness they endure. Technique? This shows the newer level of understanding he gains, as he begins to understand the reality of the world. How is this important for the audience as a whole? Do we only learn about the character, and not a wider idea? Also his earlier words create an impression of a youthful traveller, yet at the end of the book he says “when the great guiding spirit cleaves humanity into two antagonistic halves, I will be with the people.” Here he uses a much more mature tone and his words present him as an experienced person who is aware of his purpose in life, hence there is a change in his character.

In Tell Tale Heart, the protagonist constantly maintains a very cold and emotionless tone. Make sure all your paragraphs have a proper introduction, to keep the marker's thoughts organised! He seems to have no humane feelings other than anger and anxiety. This is evident, when he brags about killing the old man. “I was never kinder to the old man than during the whole week before I killed him.” This tone continues, until he discovers the sound of the heartbeat. Retell. Throughout the story, when he encountered that sound, there were sudden character. Expression issue there? Talking about the heartbeat he says ,“The old man's terror must have been extreme!” Here he suddenly displays the quality of empathy something not seen throughout the story. Retell - You aren't providing techniques! Therefore the heart was a representation of the guilt within the narrator, something he discovers through his experiences and finally this cause him to change to the point that he admits his deed.  Like Ernesto, the narrator’s character was influenced by the discovery that he made.

Therefore discoveries influence people in a variety of ways. Perhaps provide some examples? Due to their confronting nature discoveries can challenge individuals’ understandings and perceptions. Furthermore, by exposing them to newer experiences they can instill new values in people. These impacts tend to be so grave that they lead to the change in character of individuals and give them new values and outlooks of themselves and the world around them.

So my comments throughout pretty much cover what I'd suggest to you - I think your biggest issue is being a little vague with your concepts, you are quite broad and not really going into specifics with your arguments. Try to hone in and be specific with what you are talking about as much as possible! ;D also watch for places where you are just retelling the text or talking about the characters - You need to go bigger, what does the audience learn? What does the composer do to influence our thoughts on Discovery? :)

Your analysis was really good in some sections, and I've indicated that within! It was when you ignored plot and just looked at techniques. Remember, good analysis goes to TEA (Technique, Explain, Audience)  - Give a technique for your quote, explain what the technique(s) does to further a concept, and acknowledge what the audience learns as a result ;D

I hope this feedback helps! :)

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Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #159 on: May 24, 2017, 04:02:03 pm »
Hey so I have my Module A essay coming up involving Henry Lawson and my related text! just wondering if these paragraphs have been written well or make any sense? I'm not going off a question and have no intro or conclusion! i just have a paragraph for each of my three key ideas! if you could give any thoughts, i'd appreciate it so much as my teacher isnt responding to my emails!

Every text can represent a reality and the hardships may be represented through the characters. These challenges are built upon a frame that represents the stereotypes of our society. In Henry Lawson’s short story, “The Drover’s Wife”, he emphasises the hardship faced by a challenged female. He incorporates the empathic image, “she makes a bed on the kitchen table,” to symbolise that she wants to be strong and courageous by is framed by weak feminist stereotypes. Similarly, Lawson has a repeated idea in his story, “In a Dry Season.” He uses the unemployed to start as happy people as they reach employment, but then dispels this cheerfulness when they reach the station. “He travels for a night and day without a bite to eat, and, on arrival, he finds that the station is eighty or a hundred miles away.” The repetition of an empathic image, shows Lawson’s passion for representing the people who faced hardships in rural Australia. He is opening our eyes to feel sorry for them through these distinctive images. In perspective, Shane Koyczan has the same approach in representing the challenges that teens face throughout their school years. He as well uses a visual empathic image, of a young girl with a shadow expressing the term ‘ugly.’ This shows the unrecognisable side of her that is framed by the weak stereotypes that Lawson constructs. This girl is stuck with the idea that she is ‘ugly’ and becomes a reflection of her self belief. Both composers use images to covey the confronting experiences experienced by women by building a stereotype that they believe they must obligate themselves to.

Composers incorporate distinctively visual images into their texts to convey their beliefs. In this scenario, Henry Lawson, composer of “The Drover’s Wife,” has described a dry environment rather than romanticising Australia’s rural areas. The anaphora “Bush all round-bush with no horizon, for the country is flat,” contributes to the repeated visual of hopelessness. This shows that the landscape is endless and monotonous with ‘no ranges’, a metaphor for no hope or opportunity to be worked towards. Lawson carries on the sense of monotony in his short story, “In a Dry Season.” Lawson is able to use the instructional verb, “draw a wire fence” which provides active responders in the construction of the distinctive image. This is showing that Australia is picturesque as an art form, but isn’t however a nice place to live. The conveyed feeling of monotony leads the reader to realise the towns are all very similar, giving a sense of desolation and despair about how life in the bush is developed. Shane Koyczan presents a similar idea about the bare environment that is high school. “But I wanted to tell them that all of this is just debris,” is a metaphor that is describing the broken pieces of the school. Koyczan is suggesting that all of the broken souls and bullied individuals are just pieces of rubbish. There is no hope for these people and their emotions can’t make a come back. “but the school halls were a battleground” is another poignant image used to reveal the horrible environment that society is faced with. Like war, there is only so much hope for survival, whilst living in conditions that are almost unbearable. Lawson and Koyczan have both work towards being truthful about the harsh realities that people face in reality. This is done through distinctive images that represent their thoughts and describe the bare harshness of the surrounding environment.

A shift in perspective allows for readers to see different views on issues that people are facing, and introduces the idea of providing a voice for themselves and others. Henry Lawson, writer of “The Drover’s Wife,” uses this story to provide a voice for rural women. He shifts our perspective into a world where a woman is defined by weakness and reliability on men, and instead shapes a visual of a courageous, resilient colonial woman. Lawson uses symbolism of the ‘ladies journal’ to juxtapose with masculine imagery of “she put on a pair of her husband’s trousers.” This presents a visual of a colonial female playing the role of the protector of her family. This unnamed protagonist enables us to visualise not only the wife but all women living in Australia in the 19th century. Similiarly, Lawson wrote “In a Dry Season,” using a first person narrator to describe the people he passes. “Slop sac suits, red faces, and old-fashioned, flat-brimmed hats, with wire round the brims,” describes their clothing to create a mental picture for the audience. His shift in perspective on different groups tells us about the characters, and from this we can speculate that the stories are an autobiography of Lawson himself and these experiences are from his only trip to the ‘outback’. Shane Koyczan wrote “To This Day,” using a similar style of narration, by shifting the perspective. He states “when I was a kid,” to “she was eight years old”, followed by “he was a broken branch.” This shift tells a personal story, to a girl with a deformity and the adopted suicidal boy. Through these personal stories, he is able to parallel Lawson in providing a voice for those who don’t have one. Koyczan is expressing the idea that the hardships his protagonists are facing, are worldwide, and trying to put an end to a serious issue. Both composers have attempted to make a different to stand up for colonial, hardworking women, or for all kids being bullied through school.

jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #160 on: May 24, 2017, 09:44:08 pm »
Hey so I have my Module A essay coming up involving Henry Lawson and my related text! just wondering if these paragraphs have been written well or make any sense? I'm not going off a question and have no intro or conclusion! i just have a paragraph for each of my three key ideas! if you could give any thoughts, i'd appreciate it so much as my teacher isnt responding to my emails!

Hey 12noble! Welcome to the forums! ;D

Thanks for posting your essay - We have a requirement in our essay marking rules that users have 15 posts for every essay they'd like marked. This is just to make sure the markers can keep up and invest the 30 mins - 1 hour we like to spend marking them.

If you hang around the site, you'll get up to 15 posts in no time! ;D

Maddy Cate

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Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #161 on: July 19, 2017, 09:59:04 am »
This essay is for Module C- Exploring Transitions
I just want to make sure my structure and paragraphs are making sense and i don't have too little or too much information throughout the essay.

Transitions may be hard yet the outcome can be worthwhile for an individual. Discuss this view with reference to Billy Elliot and ONE other related text of your own choosing.

The film “Billy Elliot” portrays the transition of father and son through the key ideas of masculinity and maturity. Both characters face obstacles and hardships that harden their final transition and acceptance to a new world. The film displays narrow thinking and difficulty of both characters as they find difficulty completing their journey. In addition the short story “Marigolds” shares key ideas of maturity and a change in perception of characters as they enter new phases that broadens their understanding of each other. Both texts portray journeys that contain obstacles and gradual progress of characters into a new world that becomes worthwhile and anticipated.

The film Billy Elliot explores the idea of hardship through the character of Jackie as he begins a transition of understanding that would be worthwhile for himself and his son as he opens up about his love for Ballet.The character Jackie is seen to be halted by many obstacles including himself on his way to transition, for example his views of masculinity and the views of boys doing ballet in that period of time. The use of mid shot portrayed in the scene of the father discovering Billy doing Ballet expresses the father's anger towards ballet “Lads do football, boxing, wrestling… not freaking ballet” the listing of the sports suggests that males must be violent and tough. Furthermore the euphemism of “freaking” suggests his anger and his frustration that his son can't see the concept of gender the same way as him. The facial expression highlights his anger and opposition to his son which moreover explores that Jackie is stuck and can not see the end and fulfillment of the transition.  In addition the series of rapid cuts between both the world of ballet and the violence of the strikers is displayed through the scene of Jackie and his fellow miners striking as it serves to reinforce the gulf between the two worlds. The aerial shot of the picket line is contrasted with the power and grace of Billy’s dance moves, the use of Jackie's language “You! Out! now!” highlights his anger at his son for not fulfilling his masculine role. This shows that the ideas Jackie holds are holding him back from transitioning and accepting his son for what he loves. Additionally the deep breathing and close-up shot of Jackie's anxious face as he decides to go back to the mines portrays how much the decision of going back to work has cost this strongly principled man and further portrays his gradual transition to accepting his son “He is only a little boy, he could be a fucking genious for all we know”. Through Jackie's language we see his journey to overcome his own misconceptions and established principles. Besides the obstacles that had held Jackie back from making a full transition it is the final phase that allows him to complete his journey and accept his son for what he loves, the mid shot of Jackies face and the rapid cuts between Billy and Jackie signifie his total acceptance of dance. The emotion is his face signifies his final transition into this new world of ballet and his understanding of male masculinity. The character Jackie portrays a gradual transition as he contemplates the hardships of entering a new world that would be worthwhile for both the father and son.

The short story “Marigolds” however does not display the key ideas of masculinity but does portray an understanding as characters are shown to change perception in one another which shows a worthwhile transition. The transition of thought of the character Lizabeth as she discovers that her perception of Ms Lottie has been wrong which further links to “Billy Elliot” as Jackie perceptions change towards Ballet as he leaves behind the old traditional views of masculinity. By entering a new phase in her life Elizabeth is able to see the other side of Ms Lottie that has been hidden and further sees a worthwhile person that she had neglected for all years. The use of the metaphor of the witch “The witch was no longer a witch but only a broken old women.”  portrays to the reader the change in perception of the old lady from the girl's point of view. Further the juxtaposition contributes the transition in thoughts as she grows older and her narrow mindedness changes to a more open and accepting mind.  This portrays to the reader that the girl has learnt new  and worthwhile ideas things the other character as she enters new phases of her life this signifies to Billy Elliot through the character Jackie as he becomes open minded to Ballet through the experiences encountered. Moreover the use of simile “For one does not have to be ignorant and poor to find that life is as barren as the dusty yards of our town”  shows that the girl has finalised her tradition by accepting her environment and seeing that it wasn't what she first thought it was while growing up As the character transitions she has been exposed to new and different experiences that have been worthwhile as  it caused for her thoughts to change both positively and negatively towards the town and environment she has been brought up in. Furthermore The Marigold metaphor “And i have too planted marigolds” allows an insight of the main character as her perceptions change of the old lady and the use of marigold explores their similarities where she thought there were only differences, this resembles the character of Jackie in Billy Elliot as his perceptions change of the world of Ballet and his once narrow mind has begun to become more open.  Overall the short story Marigolds show a worthwhile experience for the character as she transitions into a new world where new perceptions are made that were once negative.

Moreover the character “Billy in Billy Elliot” explores worthwhile transitions through dance, dance acts a metaphor for moving forward in life and leaving hindering obstacles behind.Billy Elliot explores the transition of the individual Billy as he makes the journey to maturity through dance. Billy is seen to make a full transition through the idea of Ballet and the ideology that follows for example the stereotypes of girls dancing and boys playing contact sport. Firstly camera zooming in to focus on the dancer’s feet and then to Billy’s boxing boots as Billy enters his first dance lesson portrays a visual metaphor and further reinforces that Billy does not belong to this world “Boots off… Go on i dare you… Hold it Hold it… nice straight legs”. The curiosity begins his journey and his gradual transition to the world of ballet, although at first he is seen to be resistant at first as he doesn't see the positive outcomes that will follow Furthermore Billy is stuck in the middle of worlds as he trapped with past feelings of failure and the ideas of his family upon him this is clearly illustrated through the private lesson with Mrs Wilkinson and Billy is seen to be distant and distracted  “I can’t do it, that's because you’re not concentrating”, the long shot of the change room adds to the feeling of being trapped through the symbolism of the closed door. Moreover the symbolism of the door tells the audience how obstacles are hindering Billy’s final movement as he can't see the future as he is stuck through challenging obstacles. Furthermore the close up of Billy’s dance expresses to the audience his gradual transition into the new world of ballet and his maturity which is further explored through the rule of three “like a fire, like a bird, like electricity” which invites the positive transition as he moves past the negative memories and obstacles that had chained him to the past. In addition the soft melodic use of the piano expresses his transition as he is seen to have an emotional transition from negative to positive world. Finally the crescendoing music of swan lake in the final scene of the movie expresses the completion of Billy’s final transition into a new environment. Moreover the use of the low angle shot and slow motion of the jump acts as a metaphor for Billy making the final step towards the transition and signifies his power as he enters into the new world of Ballet and maturity as he is seen to be comfortable and at ease. Overall Billy makes a full transition that is worthwhile and further leads to him live a freer life with no obstacles trying to stop him.

Finally “Marigolds” also illustrates a worthwhile transition as the characters moves from childhood to womanhood both mentally and physically as she is exposed to new experiences that she was sheltered from as a child.  The accumulation of the emotions that Lizabeth felt “Joy and rage and wild animal gladness and shame become tangled together in the multicolored skein of fourteen-going-on-fiftee” highlights her childhood and immaturity which further resembles Billy at the beginning of the movie and his thoughts of Ballet, this portrays that both characters were both hindered from making a transition they can not see over the obstacles holding them. The dashes and childish way of saying fourteen going on fifteen further illustrates her immaturity. This allows an insight for the reader as the character Lizabeth has yet to make her transition and is still in the stage of immaturity. Furthermore the metaphor of the cage”I said before that we children were not consciously aware of how thick were the bars of our cage” illustrates her hindsight of the childhood shackles that she is under. This a key motif that is used in the short story that indicates clearly how her older self is looking back on her younger self. This reminiscing highlights how she changed from childhood to womanhood. Further this shows that the character Lizabeth has moved through phases of her life and is seen to be more mature as she is able to gain a worthwhile understanding of her surroundings and is able to broaden her ideas and understandings. Finally the accumulation indicates clearly the final act of maturity that happened for Lizabeth which is similar to Billy as he makes his final transition at the end of the film and is open and comfortable in his new world, they are both able to overcome hovering obstacles that haltered them. Through listing the conditions in which she was accustomed to and the cliche of ‘god knows what’ reveals that she has matured and understood her childish act was just that…. Childish. This portrays to the audience the difficulty of making a worthwhile transition from childhood to womanhood as she broadens her mind to new experiences.

Overall both texts “Billy Elliot” and “Marigolds” portray a journey of characters both physically and mentally. In both texts characters are stopped by obstacles that change their journeys significantly but it is the catalyst of mentors that allow the transition to be completed ad worthwhile, this is shown through different experiences that contribute to halting or pushing forward the transition.

Thank you :)

jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #162 on: July 19, 2017, 12:06:47 pm »
This essay is for Module C- Exploring Transitions
I just want to make sure my structure and paragraphs are making sense and i don't have too little or too much information throughout the essay.

Hey Maddy!

Thanks for posting your essay - We have a requirement in our essay marking rules that right now users need to have 25 posts on ATAR Notes for every essay they'd like marked. This is just to make sure the markers can keep up and invest the 30 mins - 1 hour we like to spend marking them, in the lead up to the busy trial period :)

If you hang around the site, you'll get up to those posts in no time! ;D

jhaccount_

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Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #163 on: July 20, 2017, 09:52:36 pm »
Analyse how personalities and attitudes are conveyed by the use of distinctive voices in the test you have studied. In your response, make detailed reference to your prescribed text.

Banjo Paterson creates a distinctive Australian voice presented through humorous attitude and tone, portraying that individual’s personalities and attitudes shape today’s Australian society. This is evident in Banjo Paterson poems, ‘Clancy of the Overflow’, ‘Mulga Bills Bicycle’ and ‘A Bush Christening’ as through their poems, individuals can start to hear the distinctive voice’s which is illustrated through language techniques and dialogue. Through these distinctive voices, individuals can understand how personalities and attitudes are created and the effect these have on impacting and shaping the Australian society.

Distinctive voices presented by Banjo Paterson within his characters use humorous attitude’s which shape an individual’s personality and manner. This is first illustrated in the poem, A Bush Christening by Banjo Paterson which explores religion which is presented in a comical context. The poem presents to the audience a family whose son hasn’t been christened and the thought of him dying without doing so puts stress and pressure on the family as they don’t want their son going to ‘hell.’ The son runs away to hide himself from the chaos as his family as well as a priest who comes searching for him to christen him, “here the youngster ran out, and the priest gave a shout.” The pun, ‘priest gave a shout’ gives reference to calling for drinks from the bar as this is a typical word associated with drinking. Irony is evident as the priest is trying to christen this boy while making drinking references when this is the opposite of what priests usually do. The hilarity of this implies that through the humorous attitude individuals view the personality and the attitude through the distinctive voice. In the poem, Clancy and the Overflow which is a romanticised view of the story of a drover, living under the stars, the opposite of the dreary life of a city solicitor, it presents the humorous attitude through distinctive voice. By the end of the novel, the protagonist moves from the outback lifestyle to the city life, “but I doubt he’d suit the office.” The use of play on words of ‘suit’ adds humour to the poem as the protagonist has switched locations and moved from a drover to a city solicitor. In the poem, Mulga Bills Bicycle, about a cycler who turns out to be a lot worse than he says he is, a crash had sent him back to his old form of transport, a horse. Mulga is an arrogant man who talks himself up and believes he is a better cycler than he is, “I’m good all round at everything … although im not the one to talk – I hate a man that blows.” The use of irony is apparent, as he decides to talk himself up about being all rounded although he doesn’t like when people are bragging about their talents. The absurdity of the poem shows the confident personality and humorous attitude that Mulga has towards his bicycle incident. Individuals who have been shaped through personality and attitudes which are humorous to readers, are able to learn a greater understanding of the distinctive voices which shape the Australian society.

Having a limited educated can present to the audience a distinctive voice which illustrates the personality and attitude of an uneducated individual. This is first presented in the poem, a bush Christening by Banjo Paterson as the son of two religious parents has a limited understanding about religion. His parents want him to be christening so they don’t have the worry or fear of him going to ‘hell’ but the son disapproves, “what the divil and all is the christenin’?” Banjo Paterson creates a distinctive voice for the son through the misspelt words of ‘divil’ and ‘christenin’ which depicts his Irish accent. The rhetorical question shows the lack of knowledge about being christened as well as the purpose of why his parents want him to go through with it. Further, in the poem, the pace speeds up as the priest and the parents are looking for their son to be able to christen him. When he comes out of hiding, “the priest, as he fled, flung a flask at his head that was labelled ‘Maginnis Whisky’,” which is alluding to the action that the son finally got christened by the priest. The use of alliteration in ‘fled, flung a flask’ creates emphasis of the action of the son getting christened and his sins being whipped clean. Irony is shown as the name ‘Maginnis Whisky’ is not religious at all implying a different way to be christened which reflects the isolation and uneducated attitude within the bush. In the poem, Mulga Bills Bicycle, the limited knowledge of the protagonist is evident through his ridiculous questions. As Mulga Bill is talking about how riding is his special gift and how ‘good’ he believes he is at riding a bicycle, he states, “just ask a wild duck if it can swim, a wildcat if it can fight.” The personification in his statement conveys that through a lack of educated or knowledge, it is presented through Mulgas personality and attitude towards life. Individuals who lack knowledge are able to notice it through their personality and attitude due to their distinctive voice.

In Australia’s society, the distinctive nature and voice of an individual is presented through their personality and attitude, indicating to audiences that they have an Australian background. This is first presented in A Bush Christening by Banjo Paterson as through the use of Australian vernacular and comical Australian slang and expression, audiences get an idea of the distinctive voice within an individual. As the son of the religious parents is hiding so he doesn’t have to be christened, “he lay there as snug as a bug in a rug.” The simile and use of the idiom shows that this family is from the bush and have an awareness of the common phrases which are used amongst Australian’s. This is also evident in the poem, Clancy and the Overflow as the protagonist was previously living the bush life but wants to transition to living in the city. While he is living in the bush a letter had stated, “Clancy’s gone to Queensland droving, and we don’t know where he are.” The low modality of ‘don’t know’ illustrates the distinctive voice of the bush vernacular of how the city solicitor doesn’t know where Clancy is gone as he has debts which need to be paid back. Through living in the bush or being an Australian, the distinctive voice presented through personality and attitudes shows the identity of the individual and their Australian vernacular.

Through these distinctive voices, individuals can understand how personalities and attitudes are created and the effect these have on impacting and shaping the Australian society. This is evident in Banjo Paterson poems, ‘Clancy of the Overflow’, ‘Mulga Bills Bicycle’ and ‘A Bush Christening’ as through their poems, individuals can now hear the distinctive voice’s which is illustrated through language techniques and dialogue.  Banjo Paterson creates a distinctive Australian voice presented through humorous attitude and tone, portraying that individual’s personalities and attitudes shape today’s Australian society.

Hopefully i can get some feedback on if my ideas make sense, or if i need more analysis etc thanks

vanessa mbogo

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Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #164 on: July 21, 2017, 09:16:17 pm »
This essay if for module A discovery
can you please help me correct my essay and so it can be perfect for my trial exam thanks

Observation is an act of monitoring or perceiving something  which triggers one's ability to see and reflect what's around them . This raises more awareness which leads to  initiations of new prospective or ideas that  act as a direct path  to discover new things. The poems North Coast Town  and  Journey: The North Coast by Robert Gray as well  the  Walkabout advertisement for Tourism Australia by Buz Luhrmann  are used to convey the  ideas of the role of nature and urbanisation. These ideas help in relation and  determination of new discoveries through observation process.  Thus enable one  to acknowledge reconstruction of the ideas of discovery through these pieces of work used.
Role of nature is portrayed to be a steppingstone for discovery in  gray's poem journey to the  north coast ,whereby the persona is described to be in a train journey  from the city to his hometown on the north coast .On the way he observes  through the train window the beauty and  landscape of the environment.  "bright crockery days that belong to so much I remember " is the metaphor used  to give an indication of a bright blue sky and cloud patterns ,as well as to show  the emotional experience  of the persona of his  bright happy days  as a child. The words " as I remember" demonstrate  that his  journey is not a discovery but a rediscovery of how his childhood memories were important to him.  "flakes of light..... make the compartment whirl" is a beautiful  light imagery used to  express the sensual feeling and enlightment of the persona, Gray  also uses this imagery to describe how  nature can uplift the human spirit . The persona's exposure  to nature  throughout his journey  is illustrated   to help him gain a better understanding of the strength of his connection to nature and  appreciate  the landscape beauty  of the environment as it reminds him of  childhood days.
while in walk about the role of nature is used to show how nature can act as spiritual connection for new discovery of  places .This  idea is presented  through a woman named Kate who was struggling with balancing her work life and personal issues which stressed her and ruined her emotions. So she moved from the city to  go on a walk about to Australia .  Luhrmann  uses a  sensual imagery of  the  character   swimming and hugging  in the water with her partner to portray feelings ,while the water  is used as  a symbolism  that represents Kate  cleansing and purification  from all her problems and her rejuvenation experience. A low angle shot of sunlight shining through the water is a symbolism that suggests enlightenment within Kate's rediscovery.  Therefore  Luhrmann used Kate's  journey to Australia  to  helps us see how nature can contribute to  transformation on  reflections of life  and how nature can contributes  to better  understanding  of oneself ,  the caption  from the advert "she arrived as Ms K. Mathieson, Executive VP of Sales she departed as Kate" verifies this point
 Urbanisation is seen to affect the natural beauty of the environment. This is revealed in  the poem North cost  were gray  describes how the persona undergoes a negative discovery of how the modern society is going with its materialistic and consumerist nature, which results  to destruction of the environment in the process. " I washed at a tap down besides  the changing sheds stepping about on mud.....smell of  the vandal's lavatory and an automatic chill flushing in the urinal " are touch and sensual imagery  that convey the persona's  observations to us readers to show  us how bad and degraded the environment is .  "car after car now -it's  like a boxer warming up with a heavy bag, spitting air " is a simile used to show the sensual feeling of cars passing by which can suggest the impact of technology in the town. Gray uses this to show how the urban development is destroying the town's natural facade . The metaphor  "...... they're making California"  displays the emphasis of how the town has changed to be Americanised. consequently observations in nature cannot always turn out to be positive. Development which is a good thing,  is portrayed  in the poem to result to loss of uniqueness of the town . Gray uses this negative discovery to  show how urbanisation is affecting the and changing  the environment and maybe people can realise this and make changes  don't you think ?
in walkabout  the idea of urbanisation  is conveyed through the open scenes of new York city this is where the character lived and worked .  Low angle shots of Kate in her dark confurement apartment and in her office , symbolises on how confined  and limited she is. The dull light is used to represent her depression and sadness "sometimes you need to lose yourself to find yourself " is a caption used in the advert that presents the idea that negative change is good  since it  motivates you to  transform   and opt for a better path somewhere else.

Throughout we have talked about the role of nature and urbanisation and how it directs you to new opportunities and perceptions toward life   that's interesting isn't it  ?  I  bet you didn't know that through observing one can interpret many things   and open  doors  for change and transformations ,well it does .But all in all ,  all this is  initiated by  curiosity,  this is acts as  catalyst to new discovery and change .