Hello! I have my creative in the spoiler below. I have my trials on Monday, so it would be nice if it's back (by Friday??) I know you guys have a lot to mark but it would be super nice if I can have feedback on this. Thank you so much! (Note: I also have a Mod B Essay up on the Module Thread, that would be very helpful to have done too. Sorry for the hassle!)
Spoiler
Indonesia. What a beautiful country.
The rims of the Chevrolet Bolt EV quickly became engulfed in mud as the vehicle maneuvered across the rural terrain, over jagged rocks and shallow puddles of deep-brown water. It was irritating, to say the least, knowing that such a car would be driven in a place like this. Shifting his focus from the once gleaming rims to the horizon, Johan could make out a towering mound of rubbish set alight, the billowing smoke shrouding the deep crimson sunset. Everything was exactly what he thought it would be; dirty. His nose was not accustomed to the overriding scent of fetid air. Or his body to the sweltering heat.
One day in Bogor.
He just had to pull it together for one day. That wasn’t too bad … right?
His parents had said something about paying a quick visit, to an old church was it? He couldn’t quite remember, but frankly, he didn’t really care.
The dirt road appeared to stretch before his eyes. Johan’s eyelids flickered as he tried falling asleep, only to be kept awake by the muggy atmosphere.
The moisture of the air clung onto him, weighing his entire body down.
His head began to throb, the sharp pangs pulsating behind his temple.
“Johan - “
***
“ - Darmawan”. Mr. Ives face contorted into one of disbelief.
Chuckles resonated throughout the class of kindergarteners, the small faces looking intently around the room.
“Is Johan Darmawan here?”
Johan’s face began to glow tomato red, as he sat in silence.
“His name sounds like ‘dumber one’!” a voice chimed.
The class bursted into laughter.
Dumber one.
***
“- you okay?”. His mother shot him a concerned look. “We are almost there.” Great formatting of quotations - a lot of students don't do this correctly but you've got it sorted.
Silence.
He told himself it wouldn't get to him. I mean, they were just kids… right?
But it did.
The fiends of shame and humiliation seemed to always be right around the corner, ready to latch onto his thoughts.
And sometimes, he thought about how much easier it would all be if he wasn’t Indonesian.
It was worrying, at the least, for Johan’s parents.
It was a quickly diminishing hope that he would ever be able to appreciate who he was.
And perhaps they were crazy, bringing him all the way out to Indonesia. Truth be told, they had no idea what they were doing, or what to do at all.
But they had faith, and believed that faith was all you need.
***
“You don’t have to play basketball every Sunday. Uncle and aunty haven’t seen you in so long. Please stay.”
Glancing momentarily at his mother, Johan grunted.
That was the point.
He didn’t want to see them, talk to them, or even hear their heavily accented laugh booming through the house when someone cracked a joke in Indonesian. And it didn’t particularly help that he never knew what they were saying.
But he did know that he was tired of it.
“Please… it’s not the same without you…”
He didn't want to hear it. Clutching the basketball under his arm, Johan bolted out the front door.
***
The skyline remained shrouded in a veil of smoke.
Stepping out of the car, Johan could feel the heated mud clawing at his ankles as his foot sunk into the sodden earth.
Disgusting.
Etched into the marshland were little tree stumps, stretching deep into the mist.
Johan could only imagine the forest that once existed here. The magnificent array of bold trunks and sun-kissed leaves sprung into his thoughts.
It was so far removed from that now, and he wondered what it would be like if things would go back to the way they once were.
Before him was a humble shack that succumbed to the forces of nature and time, deteriorated and abandoned; the wood’s integrity diminished in beauty and strength. A crucifix dangled from the haphazard frame of the entrance, and it appeared any moment from now it would fall.
But it didn’t.
A bittersweet grin swept across his mother’s face as she glanced at the disintegrating structure.
“Ini Hari Minggu.” (“It’s Sunday.”)
Her eyelids closed as she joined her hands together.
“Bapa kami….” (“Our Father…”)
***
… yang ada di surga”. (“... who art in Heaven”)
Little Johan clambered up his mother’s leg into her lap. He could see everybody!
There was Om Agi and II Yuni,
His cousins KoKo Raditya, CiCi Irene,
And of course, mum and dad.
A tingle raced down his spine as they recited each word of the Lord’s prayer in unison, hands linked in a ring around their Sunday feast.
Ah, the feast! How could he forget?
An unmistakable smoky aroma emanated from the ayam satay skewers, indicative of his father’s prowess on the grill. Not to mention his mother’s gado-gado, the perfect combination of sweet, sour and savoury.
He loved Sunday, or Hari Minggu, as his parents would say.
But most importantly, he loved being Indonesian. **See comment below
***
“... bebaskan la kami dari yang jahat, Amin.” (“But deliver us from evil, Amen”).
A mellow breeze sliced through the muggy air, and as Johan opened his eyes, the fingers of the wind soothing his taut muscles.
Mum, dad, himself. Arms linked in a ring.
Johan thought about that little boy, and he wondered what it would be like if things would go back to the way they once were.
Maybe that’s just the sort of thing being bullied as a kid does.
Being told that you are lesser, weaker, the dumber one.
At least, now he knew who he really was. An Indonesian Catholic. Not many could say that, huh?
And on this Hari Minggu, he promised that he would never forget.
The smog had lifted, and revealed a spectacular crimson sunset. Turning towards it, Johan’s eyes glowed with an intense flare.
Indonesia. What a beautiful country.
I want to talk about two aspects of the story: the plot and the writing style.
Firstly, the writing style. So often you've used a declarative writing style, done more telling than showing. I think this is a missed opportunity because it seems as though you have an experience of or connection to Indonesia, so I'm keen to smell everything with you, taste it too, and so on. I get this a little with the satay skewers! But I think there could be more of it than there is. Instead we are told, he doesn't like to feel the way he does, he doesn't like hearing the words he doesn't understand, he doesn't like this, he feels like that. Don't get me wrong, they are all valid emotions for the telling of the story, but they are declared instead of shown, and I think this is a missed opportunity to show your prowess as a writer.
Secondly, this is where I want to refer to the ** I put above. The plot jumps a bit. It spends time resenting identity and experience, and then within one scene everything changes, and the protagonist loves being an Indonesian Catholic. I think it's just not enough development. Perhaps if the scene of change were more rich and evocative, I could be on board with it more. But at the moment it's a little rough in the way one scene changes everything. I think if you were to write out a story board of what happens at each moment, I think you'd find that there is slow progression, then a big leap, and then we have the outcome of the discovery. I think it needs to be embedded more gently.
About the discovery, it definitely exists in a strong way, and it's only upwards from here. The reason I say upwards from here is because when we adjust the language, or slightly tweak the plot, no doubt the discovery will sit on new layers as empathy is evoked in the reader. I really like the way the source of sadness turned into a source of inspiration - I think it's a really nice turn around and certainly reflects a discovery.
As a suggestion for the plot, perhaps you could look at the ways that the protagonist tried to engage with the culture, despite it being the reason the protagonist was bullied, but just couldn't break in because they were caught between identities. And then the defining scene could be a combination of both Australian and Indonesian cultures combined, and the discovery could be geared towards the two existing together to create a unique hybrid experience, and this can be viewed as the source of inspiration! Just a thought! Hopefully this helps