Do families deserve special treatment just for being relations?

[Calebark]

Do families deserve special treatment just for being relations?

I think this is an interesting point to discuss. Do family members deserve special allowances by virtue of being related? Say, for example, forgiving them for an action when you would not forgive a friend for in the same scenario (including parents who just don't spend time with their children after divorce).

I'd be very interested to hear opinions from both sides.

As always, please be respectful of both others and their opinions.

[tashhhaaa]

In my experience I've only given immediate family (parents, sibling, grandparents) "special" treatment, for something I wouldn't excuse from a friend, only because I know that we all care about each other in the end and severing ties over minor disagreements is bullshit

Maybe it's wrong but I wouldn't hesitate to cut a friend off for the same thing. Family just means more to me... unless we're talking about my extended relations. Eg. My uncle and his wife are some of the most awful humans I've ever met LOL

So in that case I'm not giving them special treatment. I don't think anyone "deserves" it -- it depends on what they did and if they're genuinely sorry about it

[Calebark]

In my experience I've only given immediate family (parents, sibling, grandparents) "special" treatment, for something I wouldn't excuse from a friend, only because I know that we all care about each other in the end and severing ties over minor disagreements is bullshit

Maybe it's wrong but I wouldn't hesitate to cut a friend off for the same thing. Family just means more to me... unless we're talking about my extended relations. Eg. My uncle and his wife are some of the most awful humans I've ever met LOL

So in that case I'm not giving them special treatment. I don't think anyone "deserves" it -- it depends on what they did and if they're genuinely sorry about it

Would you ever extend the same privileges to friends? Perhaps your very best friend? Or is it there a very clear line between family and friends?

(Thanks for responding too )

[tashhhaaa]

Would you ever extend the same privileges to friends? Perhaps your very best friend? Or is it there a very clear line between family and friends?

(Thanks for responding too )

maybe but I've probably never had a best friend. That sounds really bad but I do have friends, I just tend not to get tooooo close to anyone. I've got friends I've had for years now and I consider them close but we've never called each other 'best' etc

saying that though, I have a couple of people in mind that I'd make the exception for but again it depends on what it was. For the friends I'm not so close with, the line is there

[Shadowxo]

I find (with close family) even if they annoy me so much and I don't want to speak to them, I'm willing to forgive them. If, however, my relationship with a friend was broken, I'd be more likely to just get some new friends rather than eventually come back to them. Family can't be replaced, and my parents dedicated years of their life to raise me, an argument or even temporary hatred can't change that and therefore i'm able to forgive them after a time (although I wouldn't if it were serious enough eg abuse)

[Calebark]

I find (with close family) even if they annoy me so much and I don't want to speak to them, I'm willing to forgive them. If, however, my relationship with a friend was broken, I'd be more likely to just get some new friends rather than eventually come back to them. Family can't be replaced, and my parents dedicated years of their life to raise me, an argument or even temporary hatred can't change that and therefore i'm able to forgive them after a time (although I wouldn't if it were serious enough eg abuse)

Fair point


Personally, I don't treat family with any special reverence or whatever. I wouldn't forgive a friend if they suddenly disappeared for several years because they got bored of me; why should I forgive a parent for the same thing? I do understand that my situation is very different to most here -- I was honestly neglected a lot, so the argument that I owe them due to years put into me is rendered moot in my case.

I'm not the kind to cut ties with someone -- family or otherwise -- for minor grievances, however. I don't believe relationships are always smooth sailing. However, for major things, I will definitely hold them to the same standard, and don't hesitate to cut them out because just they're related. I didn't choose to be their family, but they definitely chose to be poor examples of good people.

I did, however, choose all my friends, so I suppose I'd consider them inherently more valuable to me. That said, it's not like I have anything against my family; anyone who has talked to me for a few conversations would know I probably talk about my siblings way too much. I look after them a lot, and I do consider them very valuable to me -- both as family, and as people.

[mixel]

I think it's entirely situational, and that moral absolutes shouldn't apply when the family you happen to be born into is a matter of luck. Personally, I'd give my family special treatment because they've always supported and loved me despite me being an emotionally undeveloped leech for so many years, so I think I owe them a lot of unconditional love. It might sound transactional, but I doubt I'd feel the same way if I had a shitty and abusive family, so I completely understand why people would say the opposite.

I don't think it's by virtue of relation as much as how much they've done for me. If it were a genetic thing there'd be an implication that adoptive families are less 'special' than genetic ones, which is a load of shit: I know adoptive families that are everything to each other and biological ones that treat each other like scum.

It might be a cultural thing, but I wouldn't feel comfortable if I didn't reciprocate my family's selflessness. That isn't to say I don't disagree with my parents, or that I've never been a benefit to them, but I think if you've had the cosmic luck or whatever to be born into a loving family, you should honour that. And by that logic, if your family has only ever exploited or been shit to you, you shouldn't feel any obligation.

I'm talking mostly about close family though. Some of my extended family are terrible humans that are best lived with by being avoided 

[Calebark]

I think it's entirely situational, and that moral absolutes shouldn't apply when the family you happen to be born into is a matter of luck. Personally, I'd give my family special treatment because they've always supported and loved me despite me being an emotionally undeveloped leech for so many years, so I think I owe them a lot of unconditional love. It might sound transactional, but I doubt I'd feel the same way if I had a shitty and abusive family, so I completely understand why people would say the opposite.

I don't think it's by virtue of relation as much as how much they've done for me. If it were a genetic thing there'd be an implication that adoptive families are less 'special' than genetic ones, which is a load of shit: I know adoptive families that are everything to each other and biological ones that treat each other like scum.

It might be a cultural thing, but I wouldn't feel comfortable if I didn't reciprocate my family's selflessness. That isn't to say I don't disagree with my parents, or that I've never been a benefit to them, but I think if you've had the cosmic luck or whatever to be born into a loving family, you should honour that. And by that logic, if your family has only ever exploited or been shit to you, you shouldn't feel any obligation.

I'm talking mostly about close family though. Some of my extended family are terrible humans that are best lived with by being avoided 

So essentially, you do such things for your family because they're generally great people, not by virtue of being family, yes?

Also, great response

[mixel]

So essentially, you do such things for your family because they're generally great people, not by virtue of being family, yes?

Also, great response

Yeah, that's about it  I guess that means I'd treat friends who aren't family but who I consider great people the same, but I might not have the same patience as I do with my family if nothing else because I haven't known them as long and haven't been through as much with them.

[Shadowxo]

I think the reason I'm more willing to forgive (close) family isn't purely because they're family, but because they've been there for me my entire life through thick and thin. I know they're good people even if they make mistakes, they're only human. So really my willingness to look past things isn't because of the whole "they're blood" thing but how they've loved and cared for me for my entire life and I know they only want the best for me. There's no one else who's been willing to do so much for me for so long and continue to do so, and therefore to me they can't be replaced. I don't think you should have to forgive family more than friends just because they created you, it should be because of all the love and care they've given you. If that love and care wasn't there, then I can understand not giving them any special treatment.
This may seem like I'm contradicting my earlier statement, but to me, the reason that I'm willing to forgive them is because of the love and care they've given me both now and throughout my life, and that's what family means to me.

[spectroscopy]

It really depends. The common saying "blood is thicker then water" has actually been misused widely these days. The original was something along the lines of "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb" which essentially says that the oaths we take and friends we choose are more important than family who we just happened to be born into.

On a personal level for me, it really depends. I think intent and history are really important things. I have some close family who are obviously good to me and I know care so they could do something I hate and I wouldn't hate them if I thought their intents weren't malicious. Same with friends, I've had friends do stuff a lot of people wouldnt like but they might not have done it out of malice and indeed have shown their friendship before that so it's contextual. If a close relative did something malicious I would cut them off just as quick as a friend, and I don't think the threshold for that reaction is lower/higher for either group.

[heids]

If anything, I'm guilty of treating family more poorly just because they're family.  You know how you can be really nice and supportive to others and want to talk to them, and then you get home and don't want to talk or listen to or be kind to anyone?

It doesn't mean I actively treat them badly, but I find it harder to actively treat them well.  And it's easy to just sort of take them for granted.

[elysepopplewell]

I'm definitely one to let things go within family if it's the family I live with just for the sake of keeping the peace. Obviously I only do this to an extent, I wouldn't just ignore abuse to keep the peace or anything. But I think there are particular ideological views my family hold that would actively keep me away from making friends with this type of person if they weren't family. For the sake of peace in my home, I don't confront or engage with it the way I would if this was a peer or friend I didn't live with.

[Wales]

For me, immediate family I would treat in a more lenient sense. It doesn't mean I won't criticise them but rather I will still treat them well if no conflict arises. My dad often displays behavior which I despise and in response I would point them out but at the end of the day I would still treat him like my dad. I suppose I can say the same for friends but maybe not to that extent.

It would make sense to say that the way you treat all of your relations, friend or family depends on your bond with them. If they are a relative I will respect them for being a relative and perhaps be more welcoming but in terms of forgiveness I don't think anyone beyond immediate family would be treated any differently.

I can't comment on immediate family as I don't feel I can provide a unbiased response.

[Calebark]

If anything, I'm guilty of treating family more poorly just because they're family.  You know how you can be really nice and supportive to others and want to talk to them, and then you get home and don't want to talk or listen to or be kind to anyone?

It doesn't mean I actively treat them badly, but I find it harder to actively treat them well.  And it's easy to just sort of take them for granted.

Just to clarify I'm interpreting this correctly: you treat them more poorly by virtue of knowing them more and due to the times you interact with them (i.e. when you're more tired), and not because they're related to you? Like a shared factor kinda scenario?

I'm definitely one to let things go within family if it's the family I live with just for the sake of keeping the peace. Obviously I only do this to an extent, I wouldn't just ignore abuse to keep the peace or anything. But I think there are particular ideological views my family hold that would actively keep me away from making friends with this type of person if they weren't family. For the sake of peace in my home, I don't confront or engage with it the way I would if this was a peer or friend I didn't live with.

Would you extend this to future housemates that aren't family?