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Author Topic: 2018 AA Club - Week 2  (Read 1893 times)

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scout

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2018 AA Club - Week 2
« on: January 08, 2018, 03:12:33 pm »
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Background: Massachusetts’ colleges are facing a stream of college entrants without adequate basic maths education, and are attempting to address this issue by forcing students to take remedial or ‘catch-up’ maths classes.

Reading “State colleges trying to solve math problem” (Page A1, Dec. 28) made me think about medical professionals frantically treating a flu epidemic and failing to think about what needs to be done to get people vaccinated before the next outbreak. Math is a language, much like English or Spanish, and is more easily acquired in early ages than later ones. It would be so refreshing to read about calls for improved elementary education for developing lifelong learners rather than just promoting college education.

There are proven ways to give children in grades kindergarten through three a good number sense. These methods, sadly, are not routinely employed in classrooms. Likewise, curriculum for success in mastering algebra in grades four through eight is out there but rarely used in math instruction. Students who successfully complete courses in algebra are more likely to graduate from high school than those who fail in algebra.

Math vaccination exists. Isn’t it time to focus on how to get it to our students, even as remedial treatment continues?

- Elizabeth Bjorkman, Lexington
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MissSmiley

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Re: 2018 AA Club - Week 2
« Reply #1 on: January 08, 2018, 04:37:33 pm »
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- Elizabeth Bjorkman, Lexington
Thank you so much, guys! Feedback would be much appreciated!! :)

In response to Massachusetts’ college’s proposal to force college entrants who lack basic maths education to take ‘remedial’ maths classes, Elizabeth Bjorkman writes a letter to the editor. By employing a diplomatic and matter-of-fact tone and relying heavily on generalisations, Bjorkman contends to Massachusetts’ college and elementary schools that the college’s proposal has undermined the importance of improving elementary education, with its unnecessary promoting of college education.   

Intending to ridicule state colleges like Massachusettes, Bjorkman opens her disapproval by presenting a caricature of maths lecturers in state colleges “frantically treating a flu...failing to think about…get[ing] people vaccinated.” Given the adverb ‘frantically,’ connotes ideas of uselessness and madness, Bjorkman seeks to persuade secondary schools of improving their elementary standards and not relying on the college’s “remedy,” is mindless and without careful thought of improving Maths abilities of collegians. Using words in the lexical field of medicine and health, such as “vaccinated” and “outbreak” allows Bjorkman to hyperbolise the college’s feelings about lacking maths skills as a serious, medical illness, impossible to find a cure for without promoting college education. Responding in her diplomatic tone to sound intelligent, Bjorkman presents Maths as a “language” that would be best learnt by students in the early ages – or in their sensitive period – as she aims to sound psychological – than when they get older as collegians. Despite elementary schools would more likely be inclined to argue that age difference between an elementary school student and a collegian would not be detrimental in learning Maths, Bjorkman uses her generalisation as humour to appeal to these secondary schools to take initiative to improve Maths teaching, as using humour would pacify the uproar created by Massachusettes college’s “frantic” and filled with fear proposal in forcing Maths classes to students.

Shifting to a matter-of-fact tone and fuelled by her generalisations carrying no evidence, Bjorkman attack’s secondary schools’ reputations as they “sadly” and “rarely” have not employed sophisticated strategies in improving “a good number sense” for students in their highly maturing stages of learning – “kindergarten through three.” Reading this, secondary school principals would immediately feel egoistic that Bjorkman is criticising them of their Maths teaching system, thus compelling these principals to enforce a stronger Maths teaching staff in schools so to protect their students from the mocked Maths “epidemic.” Aiming to warn and provoke fear amongst secondary schools of a lacking radical improvement in Maths teaching, Bjorkman’s generalisation of students “failing” algebra – the verb carrying connotations of imperfection and defect – would be likely to urge schools to act on their numeracy teaching, so to avoid their students tumbling their school’s reputation of excellence in academia.

Ironically finishing with a simple sentence – “math vaccination exits” – Bjorkman persuades with inclusivity in her rhetorical question to secondary schools to stay influential in supporting “our” students to be mathematically intelligent in the race of a meaningless “contin[ation] of remedial treatment” forced upon on them by colleges.



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clarke54321

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Re: 2018 AA Club - Week 2
« Reply #2 on: January 09, 2018, 09:37:12 pm »
+4
Thank you so much, guys! Feedback would be much appreciated!! :)

In response to Massachusetts’ college’scolleges proposal to force college entrants, who lack basic maths education to take ‘remedial’ maths classes, Elizabeth Bjorkman writes a letter to the editor. By employing a diplomatic and matter-of-fact tone, and relying heavily on generalisations, Bjorkman contends to Massachusetts’ college and elementary schools that the college’scolleges' (plural- the proposal pertains to multiple schools in Massachusetts) proposal has undermined the importance of improving elementary education, with its unnecessary promoting of college education great. But can you extend this contention further? Bjorkman places great emphasis on lifelong learning- the notion that solid, mathematical knowledge ought to be cultivated at a young age.. On the whole, this is a solid introduction. Excellent reference to context, tone/tonal shift, and contention. To avoid unnecessary clunkiness, try and scrutinise each sentence after writing it :)

Intending to ridicule the state colleges like of Massachusettes, Bjorkman opens her disapprovalit may be nicer to have piece here. Disapproval is getting a bit wordy for this sentence. by presenting a caricature of maths lecturersI'm not sure that this analogy was targeting maths lecturers. Perhaps students in general would be safer. in state colleges “frantically treating a flu [...] and failing to think about […] get[ing] people vaccinated.” Given that the adverb ‘frantically,’ connotes ideas of uselessness and madness, Bjorkman seeks to persuade secondary schools of improving their elementary standards and not relying on the college’s “remedy,” is mindless and without careful thought of improving Maths abilities of collegians excellent inclusion of connotations. However, you need to clarify your explanation. Perhaps try and cut down on sentence length. Eg. Given that the adverb "frantically" connotes ideas of madness and even futility, Bjorkman implies that Massachusetts colleges fail to provide sustainable, long-term mathematical practices, which will foster one's entire academic future. This seemingly dire postulation endeavours to inspire a degree of exigency in readers, who are thus inclined to reassess the current teaching approaches of these colleges. Something like this will make the connection smoother. . Using words in the lexical field of medicine and health, such as “vaccinated” and “outbreak” allows Bjorkman seeks/strives/aims to hyperbolise the college’scolleges (plural) feelings about lacking maths skills as a serious, medical illness, impossible to find a cure for without promoting college education beautiful idea coming through here  :) You can make it even stronger by contextualising these words. Word-level analysis is fantastic, but ensure that you've provided some extra info. Examiners may think you're plucking words from thin air  ;). Responding in her diplomatic tone to sound intelligenthmm...this is subjective. What is it about the diplomatic tone that hints intelligence? To justify the effect of tone, try and pair it with some textual evidence., Bjorkman presents Maths as a “language” that would be best learnt by students in the early ages – or in their sensitive periodagain, this is moving into the realm of subjectivity – as she aims to sound psychological<--- try and avoid such conclusions without sufficient analysis/explanation. Tease out the phrase, "Maths is a language, much like English or Spanish." Why is she making such a comparison?Think about a language in itself? It is fundamental to our daily life. Without it, we cannot adequately interact, think or advance as a human race. Hence, if maths is a supposed language, what is Bjorkman intimating? – than when they get older as collegians. Despite elementary schools would more likely be inclined to arguethis is very subjective. Refrain from guessing responses to argument. Always use textual evidence as your foundation :) that age difference between an elementary school student and a collegian would not be detrimental in learning Maths, Bjorkman uses her generalisation as humour to appeal to these secondary schools to take initiative to improve Maths teaching, as using humour would pacify the uproar created by Massachusettes college’s “frantic” and filled with fear proposal in forcing Maths classes to students this last sentence is quite unruly. Its length and lack of evidence deviates from the point you are trying to make..

Shifting to a matter-of-fact tone and fuelled by her generalisations carrying no evidencethis seems as though you're critiquing Bjorkman. I'd omit this., Bjorkman attack’s secondary schools’ reputations as they “sadly” and “rarely” have not employed sophisticated strategies in improving “a good number sense” for students in their highly maturing stages of learning – “kindergarten through three fantastic identification of argument and tonal shift! However, this sentence is too long, and the evidence is not serving much of a purpose. Try not to quote for evidence sake, but for the purpose of analysis..” Reading this, secondary school principals would immediately feel egoistichere again is subjectivity. This can easily be avoided if you rework your structure. Start with evidence (what)----> move to the how (analysis of the evidence)----->then arrive at the audience reaction (why). Remember that we are looking for intended effects. Thus, remove forceful speculation, such as "this will see readers erupt in rage." Rely on the encouraging verbs of aim/strive/endeavour/attempt/seek that Bjorkman is criticising them of their Maths teaching system, thus compelling these principals to enforce a stronger Maths teaching staff in schools so to protect their students <---lovely reference to specific audience  :D from the mockedgood. Hone on this further if you can! Its a subtle notion in this piece. Maths “epidemic.” Aimingthis is very minor, but try and vary your sentence type. Incorporate more of the active tense. to warn and provoke fear amongst secondary schools of a lacking radical improvement in Maths teaching, Bjorkman’s generalisation of students “failing” algebra – the verb carrying connotations of imperfection and defect – would be likely to urge schools to act on their numeracy teaching, so to avoid their students tumbling their school’s reputation of excellence in academia <--good point, but in a holistic sense, it won't make much sense to examiners. Pretend that the reader has never read the article subject to analysis. Think, would my point make sense to them? For your point, include a larger portion of evidence. What about the link between algebra and students "more likely to graduate from high school." An inextricable link has been established. .

Ironicallybe sparing with these openings. Where is the irony stemming from? finishing with a simple sentence – “math vaccination exits” – Bjorkman persuades with inclusivity in her rhetorical questionwoah...there's a lot going on in these few words. If you are going to mention these techniques, include evidence that directly corresponds to them. The evidence, "math vaccination exists," incorporates neither a rhetorical question, or inclusivity. to secondary schools to stay influential in supporting “our” students to be mathematically intelligent in the race of a meaningless “contin[ation] of remedial treatment” forced upon on them by colleges.nice sum up!


Well done on the analysis, MissSmiley  :) In comparison to your previous analysis, this piece is much more defined in terms of structure and connection between points. Also, your focus on word-level analysis has really elevated the originality of your writing. However, try not to become too dependent on this style of close analysis. That is, ensure that you are not constantly quoting single words, and omitting their context within the piece (eg. phrases, which these words are embedded in). If you can work on this, the quality of your explanations will improve greatly. Keep up this fantastic work!
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MissSmiley

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Re: 2018 AA Club - Week 2
« Reply #3 on: January 09, 2018, 09:52:58 pm »
+1
Well done on the analysis, MissSmiley  :) In comparison to your previous analysis, this piece is much more defined in terms of structure and connection between points. Also, your focus on word-level analysis has really elevated the originality of your writing. However, try not to become too dependent on this style of close analysis. That is, ensure that you are not constantly quoting single words, and omitting their context within the piece (eg. phrases, which these words are embedded in). If you can work on this, the quality of your explanations will improve greatly. Keep up this fantastic work!
Thanks a lot for this Clarke!
Thanks for teaching me something different every time!! :)
Would you please mind checking just these small paragraphs that I've rewritten as per your comments?

By using words in the lexical field of medicine and health, such as “vaccinated” and “outbreak,” Bjorkman strives to hyperbolise the colleges’ feelings about lacking maths skills as a serious, medical illness, impossible to find a cure for without promoting college education. The solemnity that these elevated words would instil on secondary school Maths teachers would make them feel guilty of not supporting their students through and curing them of this lack of Maths “outbreak,” in school itself, thus reinforcing the effectiveness of the college’s proposal over elementary teaching. 

Responding in her diplomatic tone and thus aiming to sound intelligent in “there are proven ways... in kindergartens…[to give] a good number sense,” Bjorkman presents Maths as a “language” that would be best learnt by students in the early ages. Likening Maths as a language “much like English or Spanish,” Bjorkman seeks to emphasise its fundamentalism in school students’ daily life, presenting it as a necessity to adequately thin or advance in a human race, thus reinforcing the importance to learn this supposed language at an earlier age so students cherish Maths’ vitality in their academic development from school students to collegians and would not have to be “vaccinated” at college due to a lack of basic Maths skills.

Bjorkman seeks to warn and provoke fear amongst secondary schools if no radical improvement in Maths teaching occurs. She does this by using a generalisation to relate easily to school principals to persuade that school students who would learn Maths from elementary schools itself would be “more likely to graduate from high school” than students who do not. The sense of cause and consequence implied through Bjorkman’s postulation seeks to provoke fear for schools who do not teach Maths adequately as they should, for this would result in their students finding it harder to “graduate from high school.”

Ironically presenting the requirement of basic Maths skills to be “Maths vaccinations,” as colleges have represented it, Bjorkman again emphasises the college’s flawed proposal and seeks to persuade secondary schools to stay influential in supporting “our” students to be mathematically intelligent in the race of a meaningless “contin[ation] of remedial treatment” forced upon on them by colleges.


I'm sorry if I'm bombarding you, but really, your comments are amazing and are helping me a lot!! :) Thank you so much!
« Last Edit: January 09, 2018, 11:39:58 pm by MissSmiley »

2017 : Further Maths [38]
2018 : English [45] ;English Language [43] ; Food Studies [47] ;French [33] ;Legal Studies [39]
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I'm selling a huge electronic copy of  VCE English essays and resources document (with essays that have teacher feedback and marks) for $10. Feel free to PM me for details!

clarke54321

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Re: 2018 AA Club - Week 2
« Reply #4 on: January 10, 2018, 10:29:08 am »
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Would you please mind checking just these small paragraphs that I've rewritten as per your comments?

By using words in the lexical field of medicine and health, such as “vaccinated” and “outbreak,” Bjorkman strives to hyperbolisehow do these words hyperbolise the situation? Bjorkman is making an implicit comparison between poor education and a fast spreading disease. Provide examiners with this kind of context. the colleges’ feelings about lacking maths skills as a serious, medical illness, impossible to find a cure for without promoting college education. The solemnityI'm not sure that this is the right noun. Perhaps fear/disquiet/anxiety that these elevated wordsa little bit general. Here would be a good time to talk about connotations would instil on the preposition following instil is in. Eg. The disquiet that such words seek to inspire, given their intimate connotations of dire health, positions readers to...... Remember not to be forceful with reader speculationsecondary school Maths teachers would makeforceful speculation them feel guilty of not supporting their students through and curing them of this lack of Maths “outbreak,” in school itself, thus reinforcing the effectiveness of the college’s proposal over elementary teaching.good revision of the paragraph. Like I mentioned in my last set of feedback, however, try and contextualise more. Don't be afraid to use quote snippets of 5-6 words. It will enhance your cohesion, and provide further opportunity for analysis/discussion :) 

Responding in her diplomatic tone and thus aiming to sound intelligent in “there are proven ways... in kindergartens…[to give] a good number sensefantastic inclusion of the quote, but focus on it more to justify tone. Explain why this textual evidence implies self-assuredness. This may come more naturally by changing your sentence structure around.,” Bjorkman presents Maths as a “language” that would be best learnt by students in the early ages. Likening Maths as a languageexpression is a bit clunky. Try By likening maths to the languages of "English or Spanish," Bjorkman seeks.... “much like English or Spanish,” Bjorkman seeks to emphasise its fundamentalism in school students’ daily life, presenting it as a necessity to adequately thin or advance in a human race, thus reinforcing the importance to learn this supposed language at an earlier age so students cherish Maths’ vitality in their academic development from school students to collegians and would not have to be “vaccinated” at college due to a lack of basic Maths skills ok, so this sentence is verrrry long and needs some cutting down  ;D All the ideas seeping through are excellent, but need some further refining. If you can, stick to short and sharp sentences. It will better foreground the connection between your points. .

Bjorkman seeks to warn and provoke fear amongst secondary schools if no radical improvement in Maths teaching occurs again, nice identification of argument  :) By adding a simple phrase before the sentence like, To close or In a similar vein. She does this by using a generalisationhere you need to provide an example of this! It raises red flags for an examiner when they see techniques mentioned in isolation with little to no nearby evidence. Try a sentence inversion like this, By asserting that students exposed to solid, mathematical approaches at a young age are "more likely to graduate from high school," Bjorkman makes the generalisation.......Then in your next sentence, you can talk about reader effect. This separates the "how" and "why" nicely for examiners. to relate easily to school principals to persuade that school students who would learn Maths from elementary schools itself would be “more likely to graduate from high school” than students who do not. The sense of cause and consequence implied through Bjorkman’s postulation seeks to provoke fear for schools who do not teach Maths adequately as they should, for this would result in their students finding it harder to “graduate from high school.”lovely reader effect  :) However, try not to re-use quotes. It is a very minor critique, but can "saturate" your paragraph to some degree.

Ironically presenting the requirement of basic Maths skills to be “Maths vaccinations,” as colleges have represented it, Bjorkman again emphasiseshow does she emphasise the flawed proposal? Think about the life-long approach that permeates much of Bjorkman's solution. This would be a fantastic way to wrap up the analysis. Come back to her ultimate contention. the college’scolleges' flawed proposal and seeks to persuade secondary schools to stay influential in supporting “our” students to be mathematically intelligent in the race of a meaninglessagain, refrain from adjectives that hint subjectivity. If you want to use these adjectives, place implicitly/presumably before them “contin[ation] of remedial treatment” forced upon on them by colleges.


I'm sorry if I'm bombarding you, but really, your comments are amazing and are helping me a lot!! :) Thank you so much!

Fantastic job at revising your piece! Re-reading and re-working your own writing can be one of the most beneficial things to do in English. So well-done on your diligence  :) To keep improving, cut down on sentences with multiple clauses. Given the sheer length of these sentences, your train of thought sometimes becomes obfuscated and confused. And this is a real shame, because your ideas are often highly original. But never fear, with adequate time and practice, this issue will become long lost :D 
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MissSmiley

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Re: 2018 AA Club - Week 2
« Reply #5 on: January 10, 2018, 10:34:15 am »
+1
Fantastic job at revising your piece! Re-reading and re-working your own writing can be one of the most beneficial things to do in English. So well-done on your diligence  :) To keep improving, cut down on sentences with multiple clauses. Given the sheer length of these sentences, your train of thought sometimes becomes obfuscated and confused. And this is a real shame, because your ideas are often highly original. But never fear, with adequate time and practice, this issue will become long lost :D 
Thank you so so much!! I really appreciate you giving your time to help me Clarke!!
Thanks a lot! :)

2017 : Further Maths [38]
2018 : English [45] ;English Language [43] ; Food Studies [47] ;French [33] ;Legal Studies [39]
VCE ATAR : 98.10
2019 - 2023 : Bachelor of Laws (Honours) and Bachelor of Arts at Monash University

I'm selling a huge electronic copy of  VCE English essays and resources document (with essays that have teacher feedback and marks) for $10. Feel free to PM me for details!