Uni is just about over for the semester - I have 3 assessments left and if I wasn't in hospital again I would be completely done in a week.
But I'm in hospital again. I knew it was coming. I never recovered enough after the latest suicide attempt to be able to keep on top of things for long.
I'm in the nicest of the 3 public psych wards in canberra (which isn't saying much lol). I've been here for almost 3 weeks.
I missed an essay deadline and my first OSCEs. I've since done the essay and it seems im going to be doing my osce at the end of june instead but that made my first week here even more stressful.
I've got an exam on the 10th, it's online but I'm still not sure how I'm going to do it logistically and also I haven't exactly been able to study. I've got an extension for an essay so it's now due the week after that, I'm trying not to think about that too much just yet.
The doctors are changing my main antidepressant from fluoxetine to venlafaxine (#venlafaxinegang doesn't have quite the same flair
) Apparently I officially have treatment resistant depression now that I'm on to my 4th drug combo lol.
I forgot that the docs here actually try to help rather than what they do at the other hospital which is just wait for the acute crisis to pass and then discharge you just for it to happen again because they've done nothing to help the underlying issues.
The Drs do seem to be trying. Which is a nice change, I haven't been on this ward for a year and was getting very exhausted by the nonhelp provided at the other ward.
They've been discussing putting me into a residential program again - they suggested the one I was in last year which I flat out refused because it was awful so they said maybe a new one that's similar but run by different people.
They also want me to have a case manager again, which unfortunately is location based so my only option is an org that was fkn awful on my repeated attempts to work with them last year.
I'm feeling a bit better now than a few weeks ago when I first came to hospital, I think it's more because their are actually people trying to help me this time rather than any specific thing they've done. Being in the other hospital often ends up making me feel worse because they always end up saying that my only options are nothing or things I've tried that haven't worked which just makes me feel even more hopeless whereas here they are still trying to come up with new things to try.
I'm a bit annoyed that I've been on fluoxetine for so long when it's been doing nothing, it's also related to TCH not having the capacity for helping properly. Coming off fluoxetine takes a couple of weeks so they just never bothered.
At the moment I'm just stuck in hospital whilst they wait for it to leave my system so they can put me on the new meds. The dr wants me to be a bit better before they send me home but I'm getting a bit sick of being stuck in here (like I know I still need to be here but like I have pakidges accumulating at the post office and I want to pick them up lol). But that's why they're looking at maybe sending me to a res program so that I still have the support but a bit more freedom. Doc said he'd see me again on Monday or Tuesday, so I doubt there's much chance of them letting me out before the end of next week at the earliest. And my exam in on Thursday. I wonder what ProctorU is going to make of me being in hospital and having nurses pop in for a chat and to check on me hourly lol.
I am actually kinda looking forward to the future, which is unusual for me. I think a lot of the time it's more that I just want to stop feeling so horrible but occasionally there's a bit of me that wants to get better so that I'm better not just so that I don't feel like this.