ATAR Notes: Forum
HSC Stuff => HSC Subjects + Help => HSC Marking and Feedback => Topic started by: ANOTHERSTUDENT on August 26, 2019, 08:09:32 pm
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The Past
“Officer, I said that’s my house,” said Leonard Mead.
Silence the only response he got since the officer said he was being taken to the Psychiatric Centre for Research on Regressive Tendencies. Many known as the place from which you never come back, even if you come back you will never be the same person you were before. Instead, you will be a broken person who would not even resemble the person you used to be. While thinking of his destination, the metallic voice suddenly asked,
“So, Mr. Mead, I looked into your files. It says that before being unemployed...”
“Writer not unemployed”
“AS I SAID BEFORE, DON’T SPEAK UNLESS I ASK YOU TO!” exploded the voice.
“Sorry,” Mead replied with a hint of fear in his voice.
“So, as I was saying, before becoming unemployed or ‘writer’ as you call yourself, you used to be a part of the old army?” the voice asked with a hint of suspicion and surprise
“85th Battalion 30th regiment” Mead replied with honour and disappointment
“The file also says here that you were a highly decorated officer and a war hero with a lot of achievements in your name which includes Elon Musk peace prize.”
“That’s correct.”
“And on top of being a decorated officer, you were the lead researcher in the development of the Gen 7 FL4K units.”
“That’s correct.”
“If that’s true, then thank you for your service and your contribution to our world.”
Silence, Leonard Mead stayed silent
“Did that have anything to do with you being disgracefully discharged from the force?”
“That’s correct.”
After that, the metallic voice went silent for some time, probably to take in what it discovered. During which, Leonard looked outside and saw a group of Burners whose job were to burn down few existing books, library and anything with a hardcover and paper attached inside, burning down a pile of books in a scorching fire. This reminded Leonard of the opening lines of a book he had read when he was at the front lines. “It was a pleasure to burn. It was a special pleasure to see things eaten, to see things blackened and changed” *, he couldn’t remember the book’s name, all he could recall was the author’s last name “Bradbury”. While Leonard recalled the moment, the metallic voice suddenly asked with curiosity.
“How did you get discharged for doing something that benefited humanity?”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” Mead replied.
“MR MEAD ANSWER THE QUESTIONS THAT IS ASKED OF YOU!” the voice growing harsher after every word.
“Ok” Leonard replied with pain in his voice
He sat back and tried to make himself comfortable in the little cell in the car and started telling the events of the past he tried so hard to forget.
“This happened 15 years ago during World War VII, This was the time of the FL3K army units which were piloted by a person inside the Mech instead from a safe distance like nowadays, our enemy had defeated us during every encounter we had against them all because of an upgraded version of the CL4P-TP units, according to our spies these units were more deadlier because they behaved as if they were not scared of die.
A few weeks after getting the first report of the enemies new CL4P-TP units we somehow secured one, I had a bad feeling about this unit because compared to our FL3K units that were taken down this one did not smell of a rotting corpse. When we opened it up, there was no corpse inside; Instead, there was a remote-control unit. At that moment me and my team discovered our greatest fear. That we were inadequate to do something better than this, but despite that we pressed on and after a few restless months we could replicate and improved the enemy’s remote control unit design with the creation of the FL4K units which were Mechanical soldiers that did not require the pilot to be inside the machine. We were proud of our creation, but I suspected that something bad was bound to happen and it did. During our first training of the new pilots, the officer in charge of the training had obstacles and other dangers set out to test the capabilities of the recruits during which at some point he pressed a button and revealed a helpless unknown soldier with fear in his eyes tied up to a pole. I realized that we gave this power to the wrong hands and turned off the units before they fired the shot. As the guards arrested me and my colleagues, we realized that “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.” After that, I refused to work with the government which led to my discharged, but they kept my friends and colleagues prisoners while they let me go due to my achievements and wanted to keep their façade of kindness and honour even though they killed some of the scientist working with me on the project in order probably to scare the other researchers to continue.”
As Leonard finished the story they had pulled up on the Psychiatric Centre, the car door opened and as Leonard Mead was being received by the guards, the voice asked
“Why didn’t you let them take the shot?”
“Even if I tell you, you wouldn’t understand.”
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To be completely honest I am a bit confused and I think that this creative piece needs a bit more work. Try setting a purpose then really ground your story. Where are they, who is it, what exactly are they talking about. I know suspense creates tension but too much will leave your reader lost. By doing this you can loose some of the dialog which is really the only thing driving your story here.
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I think that going back and checking your grammar, punctuation and tenses will make your piece more readable.
If you begin by deciding whether you are writing in past or present tense, then you can make sure that everything conforms.
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The foundation of this piece is good but it still needs work. I see that this is a continuation of The Pedestrian but I feel like there is too much dialogue. With too much dialogue you begin to tell the reader what happened instead of showing them. Showing provokes thought as the reader interprets what is happening which engages them and invests them in the story. Simply changing things like "I had a bad feeling" to "I felt the pit in my stomach grow" can make your story much more engaging.
This story is originally in third person so I notice you use dialogue so you can write in first person. Instead of having Leonard tell the war story to the car I suggest having the car say something to provoke a flashback but keep this in third person. Tell the audience the story not the police car. Something like "This reminded Leonard Mead of the time...." and continue to describe the setting and the atmosphere. Also when writing remember to address the question, use techniques (these engage readers too, plus we need them for the reflection) and consider what you are trying to convey to the audience, like when we analyse other texts and their effect on the responder, what affect do you want to have?
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really well done, except maybe avoid things like "with pain in his voice" (show not tell) so something like "as his eyes danced rapidly, searching for an expression on (insert name)'s face", etc.
hope this helps