Hey just wondering if I could get advice on both my introduction? Thank you 
Hey!
Comments are in the spoiler
Spoiler
Introduction:
The Pilot
“Comedy induces far greater anxiety than any other genre. It reveals a great deal about a culture’s preoccupations, prejudices, and character—it tells viewers who we’re laughing with and who we ought to be laughing at” I like this, is it a quote? If it is then it still counts towards your word count
Bogans and Hipsters; twenty first century Australian Comedies talk the language of class. Contemporary Australian comedy triumphs include the likes of Kath and Kim, Upper Middle Bogan, Housos and Here Come The Habibs; it is not hard to miss – Australia finds comicality in the representation of class. The lower class become synonymous with the lesser class and the upper are depicted as the elite. This is a nice bit of information, but given the parameters you need to satisfy in your intro, it may be best to place this in your central material. That being said, it may be good to put in maybe one or two lines introducing your overall topic before delving into your secific pip project topic; so you'd need to make this more concise. It's like 118 words, which you will need elsewhere.
These stigmatisations of social class within ‘egalitarian’ Australia have manifested into the macro mainstream discourse, shaping ‘The Australian Identity’. From as early back as c. 380 BC, humanity has recognised the effect of expectations upon pre-adult identity. Greek philosopher Plato noted “[The stage of adolescence is] their most plastic, each thing assimilates itself to the model whose stamp anyone wishes to give it.”
As an adolescent from a lower socio-economic background, the impact that stigmatisation has upon identity and my peer’s sense of self has been profound, shifting from a macro level and deeply embedding itself into micro level interactions. So this is where you're explaining why you chose your area of inquiry. I'd put this under the bit where you say "For my Personal Interest Project I have investigated....." to make it flow better
For my Personal Interest Project,(Can be shortened to 'PIP' if you really need to cut down on your words) I have investigated the effect of stereotypes projected through Australian comedy television. Comedy was chosen because of its “capacity to perpetuate ideas and representations that, in other contexts, would be unacceptable but, using the guise of humour are rendered permissible” . Highly-exaggerated situations and characterisations are expected in comedy films; harmful messages, therefore, about perceptions of class can be disseminated without boundaries. This part is good as you have introduced what it is about and why chose this area of inquiry (Also see above comment)
Hence, this Personal Interest Project has a prevalent focus upon Contemporary Australian Comedy’s Representation of Social Class and Its Influence upon Adolescent Identity. With class as my cross-cultural comparison, I will examine how higher and lower-class adolescents interpret the phenomena of constructing ones’ identity from the conceptions perpetuated by Australian Comedy Television. So your cross cultural comparison is looking at different socio-economic levels? Cool! Though you have other stuff to introuduce here first, so the cross cultural component can come in later
The utilisation of secondary resources, such as academic articles, books and comedy television series, have presented effectual base knowledge in determining the impact of comedy television’s representation of class upon the adolescent’s identity. Subsequently, in order to further delve into my Project, I employed both qualitive and quantitative research methodologies. Due to the nature and demographic of this topic, I have conducted appropriate research including an online distributed questionnaire, aimed at current adolescents (aged 14-19), incorporating both open and close-ended questions, to assess the general meso opinion. In one particular case study I did a content analysis of Australian comedy series ‘Struggle Street’ as well as conducting an online interview with a former student to understand the profound influence of comedy upon her community adolescent identity within Australia. So you've introduced your research methods, Nice! Although it'd be good to add something on why you're using them-why they're best suited to your topic (like why would you use these ones over others?)
This would kinda be where you introduce your cross cultural comparison as it the 4th paragraph. The third should be about addressing your research methodologies
This Personal Interest Project relates to the Society and Culture course, as media and class have a mutually dependent relationship in the influence of the socialisation of an individual. Throughout this project I aim to research effectively and ethically, further establishing a sense of social literacy to understand the effect of the comedic stigmatisation upon adolescents. Nice little round off!
Okayyy, some general comments:
-> What is your hypothesis? What are you setting out to prove in your research? You may have mentioned it somewhere; in that case it needs to be clearer. A marker should know what your hypothesis is and what you're trying to prove from the beginning. So add in a paragraph between your first one dealing with your area of inquiry and your third one on methodologies and focus soley on your hypothesis/what you're trying to prove.
->What is your aspect dealing with change and contrinuity? You have to address this concept somewhere in the PIP and i couldn't work out what it was from what i read. You don't HAVE to include it in your intro, but its good to do as the maker then knows from the outset. This differs from the cross-cultural part as it is a competely new component
->When disscussing your cross-cultural component, explain how it presents you with a point of view different from your own and how that allows you to empathise better with whatever group/thing/culture etc that you're going to talk about.
->This isn't a bad intro. The language is pretty good as well. As i have said, there's just some things that you need to add/tweak to make it even better!
Good luck!
Hi!
I was wondering if I can get my Intro checked over! It's 495 words and the topic is about "The Depiction of Gender and Racial Stereotypes in Gaming and How It Affects the Socialisation of Young People".
Ooooooh a pip on gaming! This sounds cool
As before, comments are in the spoiler:
Spoiler
"In a land, far, far away, a little girl at the age of 4 grew up with a console in her hand. The hours of spare moments where her little fingers worked away on the controller, showcasing her determination to win against the boss; her innocence yet to know of the complexities of gender and race present in gaming.I like this! It really draws me in, like i want to find out more! That being said, if you add more and are struggling to cut it down later then this might be a good bit to get rid of if you need to get under 500 words
Gaming being an integral part of my micro world has had a profound effect on me whilst growing up, and being exposed to gaming at an early age, I would spend hours playing Super Mario trying to rescue the damsel in distress, Princess Peach. Including a girl adventure game where slim figured women with enhanced physiques were your playable characters. This raised the question to if that was the ideal expectation women were meant to satisfy; the hourglass body, breasts no bigger than a D cup demigoddess and the tendency to need a guy to save her. At such an impressionable age, it had altered my perception of gender and carried it into reality. Additionally, reoccurring racial stereotypes had also captured my attention. Why were dark skinned men often portrayed as criminals? And, being from an Asian descent, were bulky Asian men with scars, dragon tattoos and residence in Chinatown all that society perceives of us? Due to these stereotypes the gaming world presents, it has fuelled my reasoning to do an in-depth investigation within this area of topic. Good! You've explained why you chose this area of inuqiry. Although, i'd look at making some of it more concise in order to introuce your actual topic (what is your pip about?)
Through undertaking my PIP, I hope to gain a better understanding of gender and racial stereotypes in gaming and how they affect the socialisation of young people. Including, the influence stereotypes have on a person’s development of their self-identity and their role in society. So is this your hypthesis? If so it needs to be clear that is, cause right now im just guessing that.
This area of topic will be investigated through both quantitative and qualitative methodologies in order to obtain information to form the foundation of my personal interest project. By using questionnaires, it will allow me to gather large amounts of data from both males and females about their perceptions of race and gender within gaming, in a short amount of time. Questionnaires also allow anonymity which will opt for more honest responses. Content analysis will allow me to quantitatively record characters within numerous video games that are targeted by gender role stereotypes. Often including characters that inherit male power authority over female characters. While an in-person interview with a professor, will enable me to gain valid qualitative information on how gender and racial stereotypes effect the identity of young people, consequently then effecting their socialisation with others. Secondary research will also assist me to gain both certified information and personal opinions to form the basis of my research. Good! There's nothing i can see that needs fixing here
In my quest for social literacy, I chose this topic not only due to my passion for the psychological effects of gaming on young people, but for the chance to analyse a gender and racial issue that has been occurring for centuries influenced by traditional values but now carried on as a trope in contemporary gaming."Good
Some other comments:
->What is your cross-cultural comparison? You haven't mentioned it i believe? When talking about it explain how it presents you with a point of view different from your own and how that allows you to empathise better with whatever group/thing/culture etc that you're going to talk about.
->How will you be exploring change/continuity in your pip as well? This is also compulsary; to be included somewhere within your pip
->Look, tbh you don't HAVE to include these two things in the intro (they do of course most definitely need to be included within your pip), but it's good that the marker knows that how you're addressing these requirements from the outset.
All in all, this is a good draft.
Keep up the good work and good luck!
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