English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)

[jamonwindeyer]

Thank you so much for this feedback! Do you think its far off from an A-range response? I don't usually do first person, but in our Mod A trial essay it asked for 'your response to...." and my teacher who marked that module said that the strongest answers engaged with it personally through "i..."

Thanks:)

A lot of teachers say that, my teachers were always against it - It probably isn't going to affect anything in any sort of significant way

I'd say you're getting into the B-range right now, the analysis needs to improve a fair bit to crack the A-range, in my opinion

[Shlomo314]

Hey, thanks for having a look. Here is my Module A Donne and Wit essay and the question as well. Also, is it flexible to shape it into any essay question?

Much appreciated

Explore how the central values are shaped in Donne’s poetry and then creatively reshaped in W;t

[Natasha.97]

Hey, thanks for having a look. Here is my Module A Donne and Wit essay and the question as well. Also, is it flexible to shape it into any essay question?

Much appreciated

Explore how the central values are shaped in Donne’s poetry and then creatively reshaped in W;t

Hi Shlomo314!

You need 19 more posts to qualify for essay marking as written in the rationale here

[Wales]

Spoiler

I think this is a case of a great essay written for the wrong question - The idea of representation equals manipulation hasn't quite been explored properly. The question was asking you to explore how a composer uses their representation of politics to manipulate the audiences political views. You approached it as manipulation in the political themes of the text itself, which isn't necessarily what the question had in mind. This limits the effectiveness of otherwise excellent analysis of concepts

Really my comments throughout cover the rest. A few places where expression needs to be tidied, a few places that need a technique or a more explicit reference to the audience, just to relate to this idea of representation more deliberately. Remember, it's all about what the composer does and why they do it, you can afford to be more "text focused" in Module C essays (not plot/character focused, know the difference!). However, you are definitely writing an effective essay! As I said, it is the misinterpretation of the question where most of the issues come from

I'd put this roughly where your Trials put it, perhaps a tad higher if I were marking it. If it had been a different question I reckon the mark would have been higher

Hey!

I've taken your feedback, re-written it, handed it to my teacher and got 14/20. I've now taken on her feedback and adapted the essay to a new question. Would anyone mind taking a look at my Mod C BNW Essay and providing further feedback and perhaps a mark out of 20?

Appreciate the help! 

Spoiler

People in power are often motivated by their personal interests and ideas, rather than the needs of others.
Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to your prescribed Text and One related text.

Dystopian texts are an effective hyperbolic representation of the corrupted state of modern politics. Composers of such texts represent the absence of human ethics within a dystopic society to expose the disturbing actions which politicians engage with to satisfy their personal interests. Aldous Huxley’s futuristic dystopia Brave New World cleverly demonstrates the notions of dehumanisation and propaganda as a product of an oppressive, indifferent bureaucracy. Correlatively, Oliver Stone’s biographical political thriller Snowden (2016) represents the political exploitation of new technological advancements to manipulate society and its people. Both texts explore how the political realm is corrupted as a result of the government being motivated by their personal interests instead of the needs of the populace.

Politicians endeavour to deprive the individuality of the citizens through propaganda thus creating a strict conformist state, ultimately manipulating the citizens to satisfy their desire for power and feigning concern for the needs of the populace. Huxley’s novel BNW is an accurate reflection of the destructive nature of technological innovations of the 20th century, epitomised particularly through the satirical divinity of Henry Ford.  Huxley exaggerates the impact of consumerism on a society with the parody of the Christian terminologies “Sign of the Cross” with “Sign of the T” and “Oh Lord” with “Oh Ford” which both effectively ridicule spiritual elements of humanity thereby creating a secular society. The secularisation of society is evident in Huxley’s use of “providence” in the personification “providence takes its cues from men” which reinforces his intention to represent society’s movement from traditional faith to humanism. Huxley emphasises the self interested nature of humanism in modern politics through the subversion of a divine social construct, hindering one’s ability to develop autonomy as they are unable to seek alternative sources of belief but instead allows for the easier manipulation of the populace in accordance with their political agenda. The intellectual conformity characterised by the high modality “never want what they can’t get” further represents the interpellated sense of contentment and as a result a heteronomous populace. The sole motivation for achieving conformity is to allow the World Leaders to fulfill their personal interests and ideas without being questioned. Furthermore, Huxley’s emotive metonymy “A dark annihilating stupor … droning twilight of the well, the twilight of his own habitual stupor” illustrates the Epsilon elevator guard as a prisoner of his stratified status which aligns with the conformist ideals of the state, a product of the conditioning process. Huxley's hyperbolization of the interpellated minds of citizens in a technocratic paradigm reveals the indifferent and self interested nature of the modern political agenda.
 
Snowden captures the manipulative nature of the phantasmic political ideology of security and dramatises it to effectively demonstrate the corrupting nature of personal interests and ideas in modern politics. Stone represents the manipulative intent of the government through the extreme closeup of the CIA director telling Edward “ your girlfriend isn’t sleeping with that photographer friend” which portrays an abuse of power and invasion of privacy by prying into the personal lives of citizens. It contradicts the human right to be secure and clearly represents the influence of personal interests as well as the indifferent nature of politics. The subsequent low light closeup Edward’s conflicted expression allows the audience to understand the severity of a breach of security and consequently understand the government's manipulation of technology to fit their political agenda of control instead of providing security for the citizens. Stone represents the effect of a perceived sense of security to a modern audience through the intertextual reference “which people? The whole kingdom snow white” which juxtaposes the innocence of Snow White to Edward’s thus reiterating the innocent and sheltered nature of citizens in modern politics. Stone appeals to the audience of the 21st century through intertextuality and evocative film techniques which meticulously exposes security as the government’s avenue of manipulation.

Politicians utilise the subtle manipulation of wider society to achieve perceived unity and happiness for personal interest rather than the concerns of the populace. Huxley opposes the traditional approach to attaining conformity, traditionally done through force and fear and instead manipulates human emotion to attain conformity. Huxley’s repetitive satire of “Orgy-porgy, Ford and fun, kiss the girls and make them one” further emphasises the government's ability to provide an ecstatic escapism from established truths known as soma. The rhyme represents how the World State prohibits the populace from experiencing genuine emotions and instead to understand the reality the way the World State prefers, reinforcing the overwhelming self interested nature of modern politics. Huxley represents this further through the rhyme “a gramme is better than a damn” reinforcing the state’s ability to manipulate the positive emotions of the populace favourably as they are the distributors of the soma which is a symbol of superficial happiness. Huxley reiterates the importance of perceived happiness with the metaphor “Christianity without tears - that’s what soma is” which contrasts soma to religion, a social construction that keeps the world in order. By replacing religion with soma and possessing the ability to control its distribution, Huxley represents the manipulation of happiness as a product of being motivated by personal interests and ideas instead.
 
Governments meticulously exploit citizens as a result of their personal interests in obtaining axiomatic control. Stone illustrates the government's strong desire for control through the dark lighting whilst panning through the director's office where darkness symbolises the deceptive nature of the modern politics and further implying the corruption that exists. Further displays of the government dogmas of manipulation appear in the cameo appearance of Obama juxtaposed with the political satire poster “Big brother is watching you” which exemplifies the sensationalist nature of journalism and inherently suggests the manipulative disposition of modern political agendas. The intertextual allusion to 1984 contrasts the Orwellian approach to manipulation of force and fear such as the thought police against the dystopic notion consisting of a loss of freedom and emotion amongst the populace. By understanding the evocative mediums of representation and contrasting the Huxleyan approach to manipulation of ignorance against Stones technological crisis, the audience is able to understand the extent to which personal interests and ideas of politicians influence their decision making.

As composers are inevitably influenced by their social and political contexts, the representation of the relationship between people and politics is inherently subjective. Both the Stone and Huxleyan representations manipulation are ultimately alluding to the dark thematics of a dystopic society where an overwhelming majority of political action is founded upon personal interests as opposed to the needs of the populace.

Regards, Wales

Edit: Hope you don't mind me bombarding ya'll with essays. Schools kept me busy from contributing as much lately ):

[anotherworld2b]

I was wondering if someone could look at my attempt at a opinion piece.
Suggestions for persuasive devices I could use to improve my piece in any way would be greater appreciated.
I hear that humour is an effective device but I found it difficult to do this with the topic being euthanasia

The task: focus on a particular social issue which has significant impacts on our everyday lives  such as the alcohol/drug scourge among young people in Western societies; the invasive nature of technology in our lives; the violation of free speech in the world of politics. Persuade your target audience to share your point of view as well as raise awareness of the problems and difficulties confronting your chosen marginalised group/ the significant impacts a particular chosen issue has on society.

Spoiler

It can be said that ‘life is like a box of chocolates. You'll never know what you're going to get’. But one thing that is for certain is that death is inevitable.


Society has always promoted various rights such as liberty, freedom and life for as long as I remember within my short, inexperienced and juvenile 18 years of life. But the idea of having access to such a wide variety of rights has prompted to me wonder shouldn’t people also have the right to die as well?


Euthanasia is a form of assisted suicide, which gives the patient the authority to choose to end their lives but has become a sensitive and controversial subject that society has swept under the rug for many decades and labelled as a taboo subject. While I understand that death itself is a sensitive topic to discuss, I think that euthanasia should be legalised in Australia to alleviate the suffering of terminally ill patients.


I find it difficult to fathom reasons why terminally ill patients suffering from excruciating pain on a regular basis and their family can not choose euthanasia without being bombarded with critical and negative views and opinions from bystanders without knowledge of the situation at hand. It seems bizarre that some people would be so offended by an unrelated person’s decision when ‘death is a private matter’ according to religious studies online websites.


It makes me wonder why is acceptable to euthanise your pet in order to put an end to their needless suffering as a means of mercy and compassion, but taboo to give the same act of kindness to a human being?


It is heartbreaking to imagine the numerous cases where the terminally ill are forced against their will to continue living. To be subjected to such cruel and inhumane treatment awaiting their inevitable death. Could this be called life? To me prolonged life is simply a prolonged death if you lose the will to live.


Dying with dignity is one of the main arguments for assisted dying, which extends to dealing with psychological and emotional stress in addition to just physical pain associated with a person's suffering. To me psychological and emotional stress can significantly influence someone losing purpose in their life. The fact that a majority of people who do undergo euthanasia commonly share "A sense of being a burden to other people.’ This sense of burden is huge as they don't want to consume the lives of people they love and that tends to happen because they need a great deal of care to cope with their illness. The weight of being a burden is wears down their fragile psychological and emotional wellbeing.


Those who are against euthanasia may believe the ill are rejecting the life that was given to them, but it’s not that their ungrateful for the life that they had but the suffering is no longer tolerable. To live everyday with suffering and pain hand in hand until the bitter end appears so lonely and grim.


The idea to legalise euthanasia in Australia is not unsupported. On the contrary according to the Vote Compass a staggering 75% agree that terminally ill patients should be able to legally end their own lives with medical assistance. Furthermore, the fact that Northern Territory of Australia became the first legislature in the world to pass a law for voluntary euthanasia which came into effect on July 1st 1996 shows that legalising euthanasia is not necessarily impossible. Four Australians, all dying from cancer, legally received the help of a doctor to a peaceful death, before the Federal Parliament overturned the Act in March 1997.


A new poll shows a majority of Australians support making voluntary euthanasia legal for someone experiencing unrelievable and incurable suffering. A targeted online survey of more than 1,400 people conducted by the Australia Institute revealed more than 70 per cent believe euthanasia should be permissible.


Belgium was the second country in the world to pass a law in 2002 legalising euthanasia. The law says doctors can help patients to end their lives when they freely express a wish to die because they are suffering intractable and unbearable pain. Patients can also receive euthanasia if they have clearly stated it before entering a coma or similar vegetative state. High-profile euthanasia cases have included a 44-year-old transsexual woman whose botched sex-change operation left her with physical deformities that she felt made her look like a "monster"; and 45-year-old identical twins who were deaf and going blind and believed they had nothing left to live for.


In short, making euthanasia legal in Australia is supported by a majority of people. And I personally believe that by following examples set by countries that have already legalised euthanasia will provide terminally ill patients and their families comfort and resolution. If it was me there is no doubt I would choose to die a painless death of my own choosing rather than wait for illness to snuff out my life. Maybe I’m just stubborn, ignorant or both about the controversial topic of euthanasia. But one thing that is for sure is that death is inevitable and I would undoubtedly want to have the right to die.
 

marking key:

Spoiler

Content: Presents appropriate detailed content relevant to the chosen topic supported by evidence and research
Genre: manipulates generic conventions to suit chosen topic in relation to purpose, context and audience.
Expression - the response is written: in a coherent, sustained and sophisticated style

[Opengangs]

Hey!

I've written three different introductions to a question for Module A; is anyone able to mark the sophistication of each introduction?

Question: In what ways does a comparative study accentuate the distinctive contexts of Metropolis and Nineteen Eighty Four?

Introduction 1 (131)

Pursuing a need for destruction and power, an individual ultimately falls victim to their loss of identity. Moreover, their value of self worth may be challenged in the process. This interplay is portrayed as a comparative study of the distinctive contexts of Fritz Lang’s expressionist film Metropolis (1929) and George Orwell’s dystopian novel Nineteen Eighty Four (1984) (1948). While both texts offer similar perspectives, it is ultimately the distinctive contexts of the two texts that presents these ideas in their own different ways; while Metropolis was written as an artistic commentary to the Weimar Republic of Germany, 1984 was written in response to the power of the autocratic government during the Spanish Civil War. Thus, by comparing these texts along with their context, an appreciation of their influence elucidates new ideas.

Introduction 2 (112)

Texts are formulated by their surrounding values and context, and changes in these contexts ultimately leads to change in values reflected by the composer. However, it is the core human concerns that remain static throughout different contexts. Fritz Lang’s portrayal of an authoritarian capitalist government of Metropolis (1929) and George Orwell’s dystopic world of complete surveillance in his satirical novel Nineteen Eighty Four (1984) (1948) become dynamic and foreboding elements to modern day societies, despite its contextual differences. As such, the values and ideas embodied by distinctive contexts are elucidated by a comparative study of the two texts, shedding light to the stark similarities and differences of a society lost in identity.

Introduction 3 (120)

Values and attitudes within texts are presented through the composer’s historical, social and political context, illuminating universal concerns of the human spirit through their distinctive medium. In particular, the contextual reflections of Fritz Lang’s expressionist film Metropolis (1929) is stemmed from the upheaval of Weimar Republic, inspiring German Expressionist film artists such as Lang himself. His central ideas of the breakdown of a society is also explored in George Orwell’s dystopian novel Nineteen Eighty Four (1984) (1948), written in response to the authoritarian government of the Spanish Civil War. By comparing these texts, common thematic concerns of power and loss of identity are revealed to the modern audience, amplifying the similarities and differences in these distinctive contexts on the texts.

Thanks!

[caitlinlddouglas]

hey i was wondering if you could have a look at my module B essay for speeches? The question was:"'The issues addressed in speeches are complex and important to personal , political and global contexts, and the spekaer's perspecives are expressed with conviction and authority.' Explore all aspectes of this statement withreference to at least TWO speeches set for study."I did it in 55 min with notes. I hope it's not too hard to read. Thanks so much!!
(It wouldn't let me attach the last part of the essay so i'm attaching it another post,)

[caitlinlddouglas]

here was the second part of the mod B speeches essay thanks!

[katie,rinos]

Hey guys,
I rewrote my trial essay for Hamlet and would love some feedback on it.
Thanks so much

Spoiler

Module B
Hamlet's relationship with other people is significant in his tragic downfall.
Discuss this view of the play, by analysing the impact of Hamlet’s relationship with TWO or THREE characters in the play.

Hamlet is placed in an unbelievable situation where, in the process of avenging his father's murder, all of his relationships are put into question. The play Hamlet by William Shakespeare is a revenge tragedy, thus no matter what Hamlet does it ultimately lead to his downfall. This is highlighted through Hamlet’s antic disposition and distrust of anyone around him. The play is about a prince’s actions and responsibilities after the murder of his father. His relationships with others are dramatically impacted by the Elizabethan codes that require him to enact his revenge. His relationships with Ophelia, Claudius, Gertrude, Fortinbras are all significant in his life, and many others downfalls.

Claudius’ corrupt nature, seen through the murder of Hamlet’s father, leads to them having a very strained relationship. Claudius initially instructs Hamlet to stop mourning and to ‘cast thy nighted colour off’, portraying a lack of empathy to Hamlet’s situation. Once Hamlet learns, through the ghost, of his father’s murder he wishes to test this theory to be certain before he takes action because of the potential consequences in taking revenge. Hamlet concludes his, O What a Rogue and Peasant Slave soliloquy, by stating that ‘the play's the thing wherein i’ll catch the conscience of the king’. The use of metatheatre in the symbolically titled play, ‘The Mousetrap’, presents the murder of the king in similar circumstances in an effort to trap Claudius. However, Claudius soon realises that Hamlet has discovered of the murder, and he then plans to murder Hamlet as he is scared for his own safety. He sends Hamlet on a ship to England where he would be executed,  with his two school friends, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern who he trusts as ‘much as adders fanged’. This metaphor further reinforces, Hamlet’s distrust of his school friends as he discovers they have a letter for his execution and have betrayed him the whole time. Hence, due to Claudius’ corrupt nature and Hamlet’s distrust of those around him, their relationship is very tense leading to his eventual demise.

Another relationship impacted by Hamlet’s commitment to honour his father’s death is that between him and his mother Gertrude. Hamlet criticizes his mother’s quick marriage to Claudius believing it unbalances the natural Elizabethan order. The phrase ‘O, most wicked speed, to post with such dexterity to incestuous sheets!’ further expresses Hamlet’s anger towards his mother and Claudius. The constant references to time, such as ‘two months’ dead: nay not so much’ and ‘within a month’ show Hamlet’s disapproval of the speed in which the marriage occurred after his father’s death. Hamlet’s relationship with his mother is strained and he is rude at times as he believes she may have played a part in his father’s death. Gertrude also exclaims, “Thou turn’st mine eyes into my very soul, and there I see such black and grainèd spots”, which through the use of corrupt imagery conveys their tense relationship. Hamlet’s relationship with Gertrude ends with his demise because he doesn’t trust her actions or confide in her about anything leading to a tense, strained relationship.

Fortinbras is a foil to Hamlet throughout the play contrasting their differing approaches to revenge. Fortinbras has also lost a father, however is hastier in his revenge compared to Hamlet. Hamlet’s soliloquy in act 4, shows him reflecting on Fortinbras actions. He begins by saying ‘How all occasions do inform against me, and spur my dull revenge!’ This quote further conveys how Hamlet believes that the world around him is accusing him of apathy and reminding him of his incapability in completing his revenge. He then realises that Fortinbras army had ‘to my shame,  ..imminent death of twenty thousand men.’ This shows Hamlet’s dismay at the doom of these soldiers and how he wouldn’t want anyone to die for no good reason. Hamlet then concludes that ‘O, from this time forth, my thoughts be bloody, or be nothing worth!’ This demonstrates a change in Hamlet’s mindset as he vows to think of nothing but the murder of his uncle. Throughout this soliloquy, Hamlet moves through various stages of thought, philosophical reflection and inward reflection of the people around him. This relationship with Fortinbras causes Hamlet to stop delaying his revenge and act on it, leading to his and many other deaths.

Initially Hamlet and Ophelia have a close romantic relationship, which is conveyed through ‘He hath, my lord, of late made many tenders of his affection to me.’ Hamlet had adopted his antic disposition with Ophelia, while she has stopped talking to him due to Polonius which dramatically affects their relationship. He acts mad in Ophelia’s room when he looks ‘as if he’d been loosed out of hell to speak of horrors.’ The metaphor in ‘pale as his shirt: his knees knocking each other’, shows how Hamlet is portraying himself in a way different to what is expected of a prince. Hamlet’s madness is also portrayed through his ‘get thee to a nunnery speech’, where he also believes he is under surveillance by Claudius and Polonius. He commands Ophelia to ‘be thou as chaste as ice, as pure as snow’, assuming that all women are unfaithful and will cheat on their husbands. Hamlet and Ophelia have withdrawn from each other and don’t understand each other's position due to these events and Hamlet’s antic disposition. This relationship ultimately ends in Ophelia’s suicide after Hamlet murders Polonius. Therefore, this relationship is significant to both of their eventual downfalls as Hamlet not only feels rejected by his mother and friends by also by the women he loves.

Therefore, throughout the play, Hamlet constantly questions his relationships with other people, which consequently impacts his tragic downfall. This is highlighted through his antic disposition and distrust of those around him. Characters such as Claudius, Gertrude, Fortinbras and Ophelia have strained, tense relationships with Hamlet. These relationships lead to the death of Hamlet and many other characters at the end of the play.

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey!

I've taken your feedback, re-written it, handed it to my teacher and got 14/20. I've now taken on her feedback and adapted the essay to a new question. Would anyone mind taking a look at my Mod C BNW Essay and providing further feedback and perhaps a mark out of 20?

Appreciate the help! 

Let's try and give it some fresh feedback

Spoiler

People in power are often motivated by their personal interests and ideas, rather than the needs of others.
Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to your prescribed Text and One related text.

Dystopian texts are an effective hyperbolic representation of the corrupted state of modern politics. Composers of such texts represent the absence of human ethics within a dystopic society to expose the disturbing actions which politicians engage with to satisfy their personal interests. Excellent Thesis, works well to put your own spin on the question. Aldous Huxley’s futuristic dystopia Brave New World cleverly demonstrates the notions of dehumanisation and propaganda as a product of an oppressive, indifferent bureaucracy. Correlatively, Oliver Stone’s biographical political thriller Snowden (2016) represents the political exploitation of new technological advancements to manipulate society and its people. Both texts explore how the political realm is corrupted as a result of the government being motivated by their personal interests instead of the needs of the populace. Not much at all I'd change here, this introduction works really, really well.

Politicians endeavour to deprive the individuality of the citizens through propaganda thus creating a strict conformist state, ultimately manipulating the citizens to satisfy their desire for power and feigning concern for the needs of the populace. Good intro, link to the question is subtle but definitely effective. Huxley’s novel BNW is an accurate reflection of the destructive nature of technological innovations of the 20th century, epitomised particularly through the satirical divinity of Henry Ford.  Make sure you don't abbreviate without introducing the abbreviation first - Put it after the first time you use the full title. Huxley exaggerates the impact of consumerism on a society with the parody of the Christian terminologies “Sign of the Cross” with “Sign of the T” and “Oh Lord” with “Oh Ford” which both effectively ridicule spiritual elements of humanity thereby creating a secular society. Excellent points made, but try breaking that sentence up a bit with commas. Further, what is the effect of this representation on a religious audience? The secularisation of society is evident in Huxley’s use of “providence” in the personification “providence takes its cues from men” which reinforces his intention to represent society’s movement from traditional faith to humanism. Good. Huxley emphasises the self interested nature of humanism in modern politics through the subversion of a divine social construct, hindering one’s ability to develop autonomy as they are unable to seek alternative sources of belief but instead allows for the easier manipulation of the populace in accordance with their political agenda. How is this done? Any sentence without a technique/quote is not good use of space once you've gotten rolling, especially in Module C. The intellectual conformity characterised by the high modality “never want what they can’t get” further represents the interpellated sense of contentment and as a result a heteronomous populace. The sole motivation for achieving conformity is to allow the World Leaders to fulfill their personal interests and ideas without being questioned. What shows you this? Furthermore, Huxley’s emotive metonymy “A dark annihilating stupor … droning twilight of the well, the twilight of his own habitual stupor” illustrates the Epsilon elevator guard as a prisoner of his stratified status which aligns with the conformist ideals of the state, a product of the conditioning process. Huxley's hyperbolization of the interpellated minds of citizens in a technocratic paradigm reveals the indifferent and self interested nature of the modern political agenda. Solid paragraph, a few spots where you slipped a bit into textual retell, or didn't quite explain how you'd reached your conclusions.
 
Snowden captures the manipulative nature of the phantasmic political ideology of security and dramatises it to effectively demonstrate the corrupting nature of personal interests and ideas in modern politics. Another excellent topic sentence - Your conceptual approach is rock solid. Stone represents the manipulative intent of the government through the extreme closeup of the CIA director telling Edward “ your girlfriend isn’t sleeping with that photographer friend” which portrays an abuse of power and invasion of privacy by prying into the personal lives of citizens. It contradicts the human right to be secure and clearly represents the influence of personal interests as well as the indifferent nature of politics. Good analysis there - You can try to go further by linking the technique to the effect. What does the close up do specifically to push this idea, more specifically than "represents?" The subsequent low light closeup Edward’s conflicted expression allows the audience to understand the severity of a breach of security and consequently understand the government's manipulation of technology to fit their political agenda of control instead of providing security for the citizens. A few commas there for clarity. Stone represents the effect of a perceived sense of security to a modern audience through the intertextual reference “which people? The whole kingdom snow white” which juxtaposes the innocence of Snow White to Edward’s thus reiterating the innocent and sheltered nature of citizens in modern politics. Is juxtaposes the right word there? Are you saying they are both innocent? Stone appeals to the audience of the 21st century through intertextuality and evocative film techniques which meticulously exposes security as the government’s avenue of manipulation. Good paragraph, frequent links to what is being portrayed by the composer.

Politicians utilise the subtle manipulation of wider society to achieve perceived unity and happiness for personal interest rather than the concerns of the populace. Huxley opposes the traditional approach to attaining conformity, traditionally done through force and fear and instead manipulates human emotion to attain conformity. Huxley’s repetitive satire of “Orgy-porgy, Ford and fun, kiss the girls and make them one” further emphasises the government's ability to provide an ecstatic escapism from established truths known as soma. This is a slightly confusing textual reference, the quote doesn't necessarily have anything to do with soma! The rhyme represents how the World State prohibits the populace from experiencing genuine emotions and instead to understand the reality the way the World State prefers, reinforcing the overwhelming self interested nature of modern politics. How does the rhyme "represent" this? This is the final step to make in Module C, actually drawing links between the specific technique and its affect on the audience. I'd say the rhyme "draws attention to" or "accentuates" the satire, and it's the satire that garners the audiences affection for the ideas. See how they do slightly different things? Huxley represents this further through the rhyme “a gramme is better than a damn” reinforcing the state’s ability to manipulate the positive emotions of the populace favourably as they are the distributors of the soma which is a symbol of superficial happiness. Be sure to link to the idea more broadly. Huxley reiterates the importance of perceived happiness with the metaphor “Christianity without tears - that’s what soma is” which contrasts soma to religion, a social construction that keeps the world in order. Effect on audience? By replacing religion with soma and possessing the ability to control its distribution, Huxley represents the manipulation of happiness as a product of being motivated by personal interests and ideas instead. A slightly plot focused paragraph, not quite as strong as your prior two!
 
Governments meticulously exploit citizens as a result of their personal interests in obtaining axiomatic control. Stone illustrates the government's strong desire for control through the dark lighting whilst panning through the director's office where darkness symbolises the deceptive nature of the modern politics and further implying the corruption that exists. Definitely need to break that sentence up. Further displays of the government dogmas of manipulation appear in the cameo appearance of Obama juxtaposed with the political satire poster “Big brother is watching you” which exemplifies the sensationalist nature of journalism and inherently suggests the manipulative disposition of modern political agendas. Ditto here - I'm having to do a lot of work to break these ideas up and arrange them coherently, you need to use punctuation to take that work away from me. The intertextual allusion to 1984 contrasts the Orwellian approach to manipulation of force and fear such as the thought police against the dystopic notion consisting of a loss of freedom and emotion amongst the populace. You might need to explore the impact/rationale behind this allusion just a tad more, this felt rushed. By understanding the evocative mediums of representation and contrasting the Huxleyan approach to manipulation of ignorance against Stones technological crisis, the audience is able to understand the extent to which personal interests and ideas of politicians influence their decision making.

As composers are inevitably influenced by their social and political contexts, the representation of the relationship between people and politics is inherently subjective. Don't bring in contexts here without mentioning it elsewhere, conclusions should have no new ideas. Both the Stone and Huxleyan representations manipulation are ultimately alluding to the dark thematics of a dystopic society where an overwhelming majority of political action is founded upon personal interests as opposed to the needs of the populace.

A strong essay Wales! Great conceptual approach, strong analysis in most sections, and structured logically. Really good stuff. I'd say your earlier paragraphs were definitely stronger in terms of analysis - Watch that you don't slip into retell of the text and constantly link back to the audience. Ensure your expression is clear (gotta use commas man!). And, as an additional challenge, start to make more cohesive links between the technique and the effect. What does imagery do that a rhyme doesn't? Why did the composer pick a specific tool for a specific job? This is a tough thing to do with meaning but it is that last barrier to be analysing at a 20/20 level

My comments throughout should cover most of my thoughts - Let me know if I can clarify! Good work

[Lachlan Morley]

Hi all,

Would I be able to get the below essay marked and perphaps a guide to what range im sitting in ( A, B, C, D)

Thank you

Successful poetry is a persuasive blend of passionate ideas artfully expressed

 Is this your view of Yeats poetry refer to at least two poems?


The enduring value of Yeats verse was its ability to conform to a vast array of subject matters. As result of this, Yeats can express key ideas that lie at the heart of the human condition through his evocative poetry. Yeats explore tensions of change and stability and peace and turmoil through developing an existential understanding of his greater world. Hence, he is able to effectively portray the elements which determine the human experience. He explores these universal concepts through his poems “The Second Coming” and “Wild Swans at Coole” where Yeats can blend these underlining tensions of the human experience together to artfully express the nature of his internal and external worlds. Thus, Yeats renowned poetry allowed for the responder to develop a greater understanding of the universal personal concerns of Yeats.

The Underlining tension between change and stability in Yeats poetry is characterised through nature. Yeats, through his poem “Wild Swans at Coole”, was able to explore the juxtaposition between the everlasting ever sublime nature and the deterioration of one’s inner self through age. Yeats, through the cumulative listing of “Trees… autumn…woodland…twilight” coupled with a visual metaphor focalises the beauty of nature through its ability to stay constant and stable. Yeats couples this with the antithesis of “autumn beauty” where autumn, a time of change, is juxtaposed to beauty to allude to the everlasting beauty of nature. Yeats further expresses his desire for stability through expressing the “ skill sky” and “ water” to elucidate the stable nature of these natural realms of the natural world. Yeats further describe that whilst sitting at Coole park following his rejection from Iseult Gonne there are “Nine and Fifty Swans” where through the Archaic number inversion alludes to the notion that one swan is without a partner acting as a metaphor for Yeats despondent feelings towards Maud Gonne. Through doing this, Yeats is able to explore that through the tension between the external stable beauty of nature and the fleeting, changing nature of humanity. By doing this, Yeats is able to explore the deep passionate idea of humanity where through an external influence places an individual into introspection regarding their position is society based of nature. Hence, Yeats is able to explore the tension between change and stability as a medium to which he is able to explore passionate ideas that lie at the heart of the human condition.

Yeats renowned verse further enables the underlining provocative tension between Change and stability to be characterised through the ever-changing nature of Yeats externa environment. Through Yeats synthesizing the turbulent political environment of Ireland, he was able to express the distinct element of change that was about to be bestowed upon the world. This allowed his poetry to have universal appeal evident through his poem “ The Second Coming”. Yeats allusion to the gyre “ turning and turning in the widening gyre” coupled with the visual metaphor of the “gyre” represents the trigger for change upon society.  This is coupled with the Yeats’s alluding to “ the falcon cannot hear the falconer” which focalises the loss of control and stability in societal where societal normalities are seen to be disturbed. This allows Yeats to symbolise the change bestowed upon society through the gyre being that “ things fall apart; the centre cannot hold; mere anarchy is loosed upon the world”. The short syntax coupled with connotations of anarchy being destruction depicts Yeats reference towards the effects of the current political scene in Ireland and its effects on society. Yeats contrast stability against “ the best lack all conviction whilst the rest are full of passionate intensity” to illustrate how the changing nature of society has led to contradictions lured throughout the modern era. As a result, Yeats is able to explore how societal rebirth and renewal is a necessity in society through which he is able to elucidate his views regarding the tumultuous political environment of Ireland at the time. Hence, Yeats illustration of the Tension between change and stability enables him to express key ideas relating to humanity.

Yeats further evokes the tension between Turmoil and Peace as a medium to express his interpersonal perception of his life. Through his evocative thought provoking poem “Wild Swans at Coole” Yeats is able to explore the enduring turmoil and metaphorical war that is his internal self triggered by his multiple regrets throughout his life.  Yeats describe the swans to " all suddenly mount and scatter” where the visual imagery of this action coupled with the antithesis of “scatter” and “mount” juxtaposes the internal tumultuous regrets of his internal self and the scattered and free thought of the swans. Yeats further employs the pathetic fallacy of “The nineteenth autumn has come upon me” to utilise the medium of nature to allude to his old age and nearing death. This leads Yeats into expressing his tumultuous sense of self through the juxtaposition of “and now my heart is sore” to “their hearts have not grown old” which proclaims the immortality of the swans against his realisation of mortality. This enables through a depiction of the interaction between nature and the individual which has enabled Yeats to developed a peaceful sense of self through an understanding of his eventual death. As a result of this, Yeats is able to express notion that mortality is eventual for all of humanity that can be uncovered through an epiphany of a tumultuous identity. Thus, Yeats is able to explore how the relationship between turmoil and peace enables him to blend his ideas in relation to his mortality in an artful form.

Throughout his poetry, Yeats was able to expresses personal preoccupations regarding the tension between peace and turmoil that obtained universal ideas. Yeats effectively did this through his poem “The second Coming” through which Yeats was able to explore the tumultuous nature of the world that was overcome by a religious influence allowing for peace to be ensured. This is evoked when Yeats highlights that “Surely some revelations at hand… surely the second coming is at hand” where through the repetition of “surely” coupled with pleading tone focalises the tumultuous nature of the world whilst alluding to the need peace in Yeats world. This need for peace is exemplified through the religious allusion of “When a vast image out of spiritus mundi troubles my sight” where the metaphor of the spiritus mundi alludes to how through turmoil a trigger for peace in created. Yeats description of this religious saviour beast being “a shape with a lion body and the head of a man” hyperbolically illustrates the body divine yet human elements of the trigger for peace in Yeats environment. This saviour beast is seen for “its hour to come round at last” which Yeats describes through a subverted expectation to signify the need and trigger for peace through the continuing turmoil in his personal life. Yeats allows for this element of peace to be exemplified throughout his mainly traumatic poem to allude to peace being spurred through turmoil. Thus, Yeats successful poetry enables him to blend the idea of peace and turmoil perfectly to artfully express both an understanding of his inner and external worlds.

Through successfully completing this blend of passionate poetry, Yeats can explore the holistic elements of the human condition. Through doing this in his poems “The second coming” and “Wild Swans at Coole’, Yeats can create personal poetry with a universal appeal enabling him to express key ideas regarding the human condition artistically.

[jamonwindeyer]

I was wondering if someone could look at my attempt at a opinion piece.
Suggestions for persuasive devices I could use to improve my piece in any way would be greater appreciated.
I hear that humour is an effective device but I found it difficult to do this with the topic being euthanasia

Sure thing! As always, as a non-WACE marker, take my feedback with a few tablespoons of salt

Spoiler

It can be said that ‘life is like a box of chocolates. You'll never know what you're going to get’. But one thing that is for certain is that death is inevitable. Wow, you really turned that allusion on its head! I like this intro, actually. I think it captures attention nicely.

Society has always promoted various rights such as liberty, freedom and life for as long as I remember within my short, inexperienced and juvenile 18 years of life. Good introduction to yourself as the author - Perhaps explore this more? Any anecdotes you could add (fictional even)? But the idea of having access to such a wide variety of rights has prompted to me wonder shouldn’t people also have the right to die as well?

Euthanasia is a form of assisted suicide, which gives the patient the authority to choose to end their lives but has become a sensitive and controversial subject that society has swept under the rug for many decades and labelled as a taboo subject. Good point to define the subject - But watch syntax. That sentence needs to be broken up a little. While I understand that death itself is a sensitive topic to discuss, I think that euthanasia should be legalised in Australia to alleviate the suffering of terminally ill patients.

I find it difficult to fathom reasons why terminally ill patients suffering from excruciating pain on a regular basis and their family can not choose euthanasia without being bombarded with critical and negative views and opinions from bystanders without knowledge of the situation at hand. Ditto here, break up your thoughts. Very difficult to digest such large chunks of information without pauses. It seems bizarre that some people would be so offended by an unrelated person’s decision when ‘death is a private matter’ according to religious studies online websites. You want to provide a specific source here - Opinion pieces are well researched!

It makes me wonder why is acceptable to euthanise your pet in order to put an end to their needless suffering as a means of mercy and compassion, but taboo to give the same act of kindness to a human being? Interesting point.

It is heartbreaking to imagine the numerous cases where the terminally ill are forced against their will to continue living. To be subjected to such cruel and inhumane treatment awaiting their inevitable death. Could this be called life? To me prolonged life is simply a prolonged death if you lose the will to live. I think you are raising good points, but you are doing it too quickly. You aren't taking the time to actually convince me with evidence, or appealing to emotion properly, that I should side with you.


Dying with dignity is one of the main arguments for assisted dying, which extends to dealing with psychological and emotional stress in addition to just physical pain associated with a person's suffering. To me psychological and emotional stress can significantly influence someone losing purpose in their life. The fact that a majority of people who do undergo euthanasia commonly share "A sense of being a burden to other people.’ What is this quote from? This sense of burden is huge as they don't want to consume the lives of people they love and that tends to happen because they need a great deal of care to cope with their illness. The weight of being a burden is wears down their fragile psychological and emotional wellbeing. This is better, in that you have slowed down to deal with a single piece of your argument. I think your expression is a little messy though - Again, I need more commas!

Those who are against euthanasia may believe the ill are rejecting the life that was given to them, but it’s not that their ungrateful for the life that they had but the suffering is no longer tolerable. To live everyday with suffering and pain hand in hand until the bitter end appears so lonely and grim. This feels very robotic - I'd be using more emotive language here to really hammer this point home.

The idea to legalise euthanasia in Australia is not unsupported. On the contrary according to the Vote Compass a staggering 75% agree that terminally ill patients should be able to legally end their own lives with medical assistance. Furthermore, the fact that Northern Territory of Australia became the first legislature in the world to pass a law for voluntary euthanasia which came into effect on July 1st 1996 shows that legalising euthanasia is not necessarily impossible. Four Australians, all dying from cancer, legally received the help of a doctor to a peaceful death, before the Federal Parliament overturned the Act in March 1997. Good section! Shows some research - Very nice.

A new poll shows a majority of Australians support making voluntary euthanasia legal for someone experiencing unrelievable and incurable suffering. A targeted online survey of more than 1,400 people conducted by the Australia Institute revealed more than 70 per cent believe euthanasia should be permissible.

Belgium was the second country in the world to pass a law in 2002 legalising euthanasia. The law says doctors can help patients to end their lives when they freely express a wish to die because they are suffering intractable and unbearable pain. Patients can also receive euthanasia if they have clearly stated it before entering a coma or similar vegetative state. High-profile euthanasia cases have included a 44-year-old transsexual woman whose botched sex-change operation left her with physical deformities that she felt made her look like a "monster"; and 45-year-old identical twins who were deaf and going blind and believed they had nothing left to live for. I'd like you to delve into this example more - More statistics, perhaps even interviews/quotes from the Belgium scenario, would be a strong support to your argument here.

In short, making euthanasia legal in Australia is supported by a majority of people. And I personally believe that by following examples set by countries that have already legalised euthanasia will provide terminally ill patients and their families comfort and resolution. If it was me there is no doubt I would choose to die a painless death of my own choosing rather than wait for illness to snuff out my life. Maybe I’m just stubborn, ignorant or both about the controversial topic of euthanasia. But one thing that is for sure is that death is inevitable and I would undoubtedly want to have the right to die.

Feedback on each part of your marking key:

Content: I think a large part of your response is driven by emotive pleas to the audience - An opinion piece will balance these with well presented research (which you did in a section), and anecdotal evidence (which you had the opportunity to do with Belgium). I'd like more of this, to break up the big long chunks of "I believe," which really doesn't convince a reader by itself.
marking key:

Genre: Your opinion piece reads more like a speech than an opinion piece, in my eyes. It's a little too "direct," and I think this comes back to saying "I believe" so much, rather than laying out a logical argument and using that in conjunction with the emotive pleas. As an example, this is one of the first opinion pieces I read on the SSM vote, back when it was first raised/proposed I think. It's a very personal issue for the author, but not once does she say "I think" or "I believe" or anything of the sort. Opinion pieces are more subtle. You might also wish to include other generic features like headings, abstracted quotes, more anecdotal evidence, etc.

Expression: This has been covered above, being less direct and portraying your points with more subtlety and flair should definitely be something to strive for. Further, you need to work on breaking your ideas up with proper use of punctuation

Hope this helps!!

[elysepopplewell]

Hey!

I've written three different introductions to a question for Module A; is anyone able to mark the sophistication of each introduction?

Thanks!

Hey there! Totally can check these out - what a great idea

Question: In what ways does a comparative study accentuate the distinctive contexts of Metropolis and Nineteen Eighty Four?

Introduction 1 (131)

Pursuing a need for destruction and power, an individual ultimately falls victim to their loss of identity. Moreover, their value of self worth may be challenged in the process. This interplay is portrayed as a comparative study of the distinctive contexts of Fritz Lang’s expressionist film Metropolis (1929) and George Orwell’s dystopian novel Nineteen Eighty Four (1984) (1948). Just a tiny wording thing - the interplay isn't portrayed as a study, it is examined through a study, it is portrayed through respective forms of media/text. While both texts offer similar perspectives, it is ultimately the distinctive contexts of the two texts that presents these ideas in their own different ways; while Metropolis was written as an artistic commentary to the Weimar Republic of Germany, 1984 was written in response to the power of the autocratic government during the Spanish Civil War. Thus, by comparing these texts along with their context, an appreciation of their influence elucidates new ideas.

I actually really like the way you haven't jumped straight into the "context" that comes in the question, because you still get to it in important and due time. I'd be happy with this!

Introduction 2 (112)

Texts are formulated by their surrounding values and context, and changes in these contexts ultimately leads to change in values reflected by the composer. However, it is the core human concerns that remain static throughout different contexts. Another small wording thing - while I really like this sentence I'm unsure of the word "static" for the reason that it is tooooo rigid, when steady, or firm, give the understanding that they remain strong but can change in their expression. Fritz Lang’s portrayal of an authoritarian capitalist government of Metropolis (1929) and George Orwell’s dystopic world of complete surveillance in his satirical novel Nineteen Eighty Four (1984) (1948) become dynamic and foreboding elements to modern day societies, despite its contextual differences. As such, the values and ideas embodied by distinctive contexts are elucidated by a comparative study of the two texts, shedding light to the stark similarities and differences of a society lost in identity.

I like this one too.. I'm surprised at how different you've managed to make them both! I think the first one is better at bringing up the things you will discuss throughout, like the identity and self worth. I also think while the opening sentence of this one is more direct, lots of students will approach it similarly.

Introduction 3 (120)

Values and attitudes within texts are presented through the composer’s historical, social and political context, illuminating universal concerns of the human spirit through their distinctive medium. In particular, the contextual reflections of Fritz Lang’s expressionist film Metropolis (1929) is stemmed from the upheaval of Weimar Republic, inspiring German Expressionist film artists such as Lang himself. His central ideas of the breakdown of a society is also explored in George Orwell’s dystopian novel Nineteen Eighty Four (1984) (1948), written in response to the authoritarian government of the Spanish Civil War. By comparing these texts, common thematic concerns of power and loss of identity are revealed to the modern audience, amplifying the similarities and differences in these distinctive contexts on the texts.

This one is my favourite. At first I thought "wow, this person has created three perfect introductions" and that more or less remains true. But I think the last one here combines everything - all of the above. The context, the comparison, the human spirit, and the identity you will discuss throughout.

You've done an incredible job here at working three completely different structures to one question - what a great exercise! Which one do you like most?

[Opengangs]

Hey there! Totally can check these out - what a great idea

Question: In what ways does a comparative study accentuate the distinctive contexts of Metropolis and Nineteen Eighty Four?

Introduction 1 (131)

Pursuing a need for destruction and power, an individual ultimately falls victim to their loss of identity. Moreover, their value of self worth may be challenged in the process. This interplay is portrayed as a comparative study of the distinctive contexts of Fritz Lang’s expressionist film Metropolis (1929) and George Orwell’s dystopian novel Nineteen Eighty Four (1984) (1948). Just a tiny wording thing - the interplay isn't portrayed as a study, it is examined through a study, it is portrayed through respective forms of media/text. While both texts offer similar perspectives, it is ultimately the distinctive contexts of the two texts that presents these ideas in their own different ways; while Metropolis was written as an artistic commentary to the Weimar Republic of Germany, 1984 was written in response to the power of the autocratic government during the Spanish Civil War. Thus, by comparing these texts along with their context, an appreciation of their influence elucidates new ideas.

I actually really like the way you haven't jumped straight into the "context" that comes in the question, because you still get to it in important and due time. I'd be happy with this!

Introduction 2 (112)

Texts are formulated by their surrounding values and context, and changes in these contexts ultimately leads to change in values reflected by the composer. However, it is the core human concerns that remain static throughout different contexts. Another small wording thing - while I really like this sentence I'm unsure of the word "static" for the reason that it is tooooo rigid, when steady, or firm, give the understanding that they remain strong but can change in their expression. Fritz Lang’s portrayal of an authoritarian capitalist government of Metropolis (1929) and George Orwell’s dystopic world of complete surveillance in his satirical novel Nineteen Eighty Four (1984) (1948) become dynamic and foreboding elements to modern day societies, despite its contextual differences. As such, the values and ideas embodied by distinctive contexts are elucidated by a comparative study of the two texts, shedding light to the stark similarities and differences of a society lost in identity.

I like this one too.. I'm surprised at how different you've managed to make them both! I think the first one is better at bringing up the things you will discuss throughout, like the identity and self worth. I also think while the opening sentence of this one is more direct, lots of students will approach it similarly.

Introduction 3 (120)

Values and attitudes within texts are presented through the composer’s historical, social and political context, illuminating universal concerns of the human spirit through their distinctive medium. In particular, the contextual reflections of Fritz Lang’s expressionist film Metropolis (1929) is stemmed from the upheaval of Weimar Republic, inspiring German Expressionist film artists such as Lang himself. His central ideas of the breakdown of a society is also explored in George Orwell’s dystopian novel Nineteen Eighty Four (1984) (1948), written in response to the authoritarian government of the Spanish Civil War. By comparing these texts, common thematic concerns of power and loss of identity are revealed to the modern audience, amplifying the similarities and differences in these distinctive contexts on the texts.

This one is my favourite. At first I thought "wow, this person has created three perfect introductions" and that more or less remains true. But I think the last one here combines everything - all of the above. The context, the comparison, the human spirit, and the identity you will discuss throughout.

You've done an incredible job here at working three completely different structures to one question - what a great exercise! Which one do you like most?

Hey there!

Thanks for your feedback! I appreciate it. The reason why I'm kinda doing it this way is because my feedback has always remained the same about one aspect -- develop thesis further in introduction -- so I'm trying to develop this.
As for my favourite, I think the third introduction was my favourite because it's the one I put the most thought in haha

[elysepopplewell]

Hey there!

Thanks for your feedback! I appreciate it. The reason why I'm kinda doing it this way is because my feedback has always remained the same about one aspect -- develop thesis further in introduction -- so I'm trying to develop this.
As for my favourite, I think the third introduction was my favourite because it's the one I put the most thought in haha

The reason I like the last one most is this:

Values and attitudes within texts are presented through the composer’s historical, social and political context, illuminating universal concerns of the human spirit through their distinctive medium. In particular, the contextual reflections of Fritz Lang’s expressionist film Metropolis (1929) is stemmed from the upheaval of Weimar Republic, inspiring German Expressionist film artists such as Lang himself. His central ideas of the breakdown of a society is also explored in George Orwell’s dystopian novel Nineteen Eighty Four (1984) (1948), written in response to the authoritarian government of the Spanish Civil War. By comparing these texts, common thematic concerns of power and loss of identity are revealed to the modern audience, amplifying the similarities and differences in these distinctive contexts on the texts.

Everything I've underlined here is a new thread for you to follow throughout. You've given yourself so much to work with on this one!