Hey Brenden,Hey ameliagrace! Wow, you've done an awesome job! :D Thanks for providing the criteria, that was super convenient. I'm going to slaughter this, but don't be intimidated by all the feeedback. There's not that much to change, I'm just trying to explain to you why I'm giving points of feedback, which is why there's so much.
I was wondering if you'd just be able to take a look at my introduction and first paragraph, and give me some feedback on the clarity of the arguments introduced, and their relevance to the marking criteria. If possible it would be great to make my argument more concise due to the 1000 word limit, but any feedback would be useful - go your hardest!
For the top band:
• Explores how Brave New World and a related text represent people and politics in unique and evocative ways
• Explores skilfully the relationship between representation and meaning
• Composes a skilful personal response using language appropriate to audience, purpose and form
Thanks!
Hi,
I've attached my 4 body paragraphs for my King Lear essay. My teacher's main feedback was to 'elaborate on context and connect that to the argument, as well as to explain my quotes a bit. Sometimes I don't know what technique is in my quotes and whether they are the best ones to use.
Thanks,
Hello :)
I do Advanced English and this is my Module C essay. The Question was "analyse and discuss representations of politics and people in the text Wag The Dog with at least one related text"
If you could give me some feedback that would be awesome! I'm mostly worried that I haven't fully addressed the question and that my connections between texts are weak.
Thank You!!
Hi :)
I'm in year 11 Advanced English at the moment and this is my module B essay, the question was "Othello is defined by an inherent tension between loyalty and deception.’ In light of your critical study, how does this statement resonate with your own interpretation of Othello?" I'd really just like any feedback available as my teacher does not give much!
Hi Ned Nerb!
Could you please take a look at my Module B and Discovery essays for me? I would like to know how I can make my arguments more clear and concise.
Thanks in advance!!
:) :)
Hello! So this is a Mod A essay on 1984 & Metropolis. Your help sounds amazing and I'm a victim of a teacher who writes 1 sentence feedback :'(I'm sorry to hear this.
Lang and Orwell have different visions of state control. How have these visions been represented and how have they been shaped by the particular social, political and cultural contexts of each composer?
Control is a power derived from fear, and the use of technology to demean an individual from their role and purpose in society. The concept of state control is shaped by social, political and cultural features but holds its fundamental values throughout any ages. Fritz Lang’s film Metropolis is set in a dystopian society to explore the dangers of control inherent in capitalism and industrialism. Similarly, George Orwell’s novel 1984 represents this notion of power through the relationship between the totalitarian government and its powerless citizens. In both texts, we see depictions of dystopian societies of stripped humanity and divided classes, with each text produced shortly after periods of historic conflict and upheaval and thus we are presented with the outcomes of social, political and cultural contexts on each text and how this shapes the concept of state control.
Throughout history, the driving force of state control has always been a form of hierarchical social classes. Lang’s cinematic depiction of social divide in Metropolis was produced shortly after the German revolution of the Weimar Republic. Lang uses expressionistic imagery, and the strong contrast of light and shade, characteristic of German Expressionist Cinema to distinguish the two classes inhabiting the futuristic city. Repeated shots of a synchronised mass of workers are depicted in uniform black, trudging mechanically at the beginning of the film accompanied with low brass music to establish a dystopic setting. With slumped postures, they exit cage-like gates at a slower pace; suggesting work draws the life out of them. This opening sequence is juxtaposed with the light colours and open spaces of the upper city, particularly the Eternal Gardens. While workers trudge into dark tunnels, Freder, the protagonist and other sons of Metropolis’ elite run freely in an Eden-like setting, beneath towering walls and statues. This stark contrast between the upper and lower classes reflects the inequality of the time and the extent of control over the working class.
Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four offers a more complex scenario of an oppressive state control regime that maintains power through propaganda, subtle psychological controls, and fear. Following the fascism and totalitarian regimes of Hitler’s Nazi Party and Stalin’s Soviet Union, Orwell creates a dystopian society of satirical extremes in which every aspect of an individual’s life, including their thoughts, are the subject of control strategies. This is implemented in the name of Big Brother, a symbol of trust and protection, yet ironic in that he represents oppression and control. This is shown by Party slogans such as “Big Brother is watching you” that resonates a form of fear and allows them to indoctrinate an easily influenced mindset. This psychological process is backed up by constant reminders that “life is better now” and “the party is prosperous”, and as a result leads people to believe what they are told. The extent of their indoctrination is further represented in the motto “War is peace, freedom is slavery, ignorance is strength,” where the oxymoron is symbolic of the warped truth and reality. Such an extent of psychological control through the use of propaganda and fear is reminiscent of Stalinist Russia and Nazism in Germany that was observed by Orwell.
In Metropolis, the upper class assures state control by the stripping of individuality from the working class. The City of Workers is a metaphor to the harsh events of industrialisation in WWII. This representation is assisted with low-angle shots of large machines towering over workers, of who flex and gyrate in unison to the gears and pistons of the machines as seen in the hands of the clock where they are portrayed as an extension of the machine. This shows the dehumanising nature of work in an industrial setting. Religious connotation is referred to through Moloch, a satanic deity that highlights the workers’ enslavement to industrialism. With fast paced music to emphasise the fear, Moloch is seen to open its mouth, consuming numerous workers hence symbolising the sacrifice of humans for industrial progress. Lang further conveys this notion of dehumanisation through an allusion to the “Tower of Babel” where the loincloths and shaved heads of the slaves reflect those of the workers in Metropolis. By using computer-generated imagery, he merges the mass of workers into the shape of a hand to emphasise the depersonalisation, where the slaves have become tools to serve the greed of the capitalists. Lang draws the similarities between the two stories, foreshadowing the downfall of Metropolis as a result of the misuse of power over the working class.
Similarly, 1984 explores the abuse of power by authorities and how this leads to the loss of individuality. This was influenced by the Hitler and Stalin regimes that both required the destruction of individuality in order to promote the party’s needs over the individuals. This is explored in the party’s implementation of “newspeak” that removes the possibility of rebellious thought by changing negative terms such as “bad” into “ungood”. With such a thorough control over language, the party is able to create and dictate a whole generation of brainwashed and subservient population. This is most prominent in the party’s discouragement of love, realising it as a threat thus labelling sex for enjoyment as “sexcrime”. Marriage is only permitted if state sanctioned as it may lead to “ownlife”, which is individuality and eccentricity, a trait the party aims to abolish. Loss of identity is personified in Parsons who feels “a sort of doleful pride” to his daughter who “nipped off to the patrols” resulting in his arrest. His odd reaction demonstrates the extent of his indoctrination to party ideologies and inability of original thought. Violence and abuse of power is utilised to eliminate disloyalty and assure state control by ultimately forming a race absent of individual thought.
In conclusion, both composers share similar, yet different ideas on the concept of state control. These differences and similarities are influenced by their respective contexts and time, such as World War II and Nazism as well as Stalinism in Russia. By composing creative pieces, they are able to warn audiences about the abuse of power and rebellion, thus presenting meaningful messages.
This is amazing. Thanks so much for the feedback, I've learnt a lot from just that and I'd definitely be rewriting it following those annotations. You are awesome man :)I'm actually super stoked that you found it helpful! :) Keep working hard, you'll smash English Advanced!
Hi again, this is my Mod C essay on "Art of Travel". My first body is on structure, 2nd on a chapter called "On anticipation" and the last body on chapter "On the City and Landscape". My teacher is very "techniques" oriented so you'll see I've spammed as much as I could. Looking forward to the feedback :)I totally forgot about this. I'll do it tomorrow! :)
Hi! Can someone please help me out and have a read over my AOS essay? Thank you :)
Errmmm, you do realise I'd copied your previous essay that you posted and deleted down into a word document ready to mark...? and while I didn't do HSC I realise an invented 'generic' essay topic when I see it.
I'm not trying to withhold feedback or attack you; I'm just saying that feedback on a generic essay isn't going to be nearly as helpful as if you've written a proper essay to a proper topic! That's what's going to get you the marks, your ability to address a specific question. The best advice I can give you is to practice with specific essay questions, since relevance is one of the biggest things examiners are looking for. Seriously. When you do that, I'll mark it.
Hi again, this is my Mod C essay on "Art of Travel". My first body is on structure, 2nd on a chapter called "On anticipation" and the last body on chapter "On the City and Landscape". My teacher is very "techniques" oriented so you'll see I've spammed as much as I could. Looking forward to the feedback :)
“All representations are the result of selection.” To what extent does your study of People and Landscapes support this statement? In your response, make detailed references to your prescribed text.
Perspectives represent the multiplicity of ways in which individuals view their world, and when foregrounded by composers in a unique an evocative manner, significantly shape the way the audience responds to events and landscapes. In his novel The Art of Travel (2002), De Botton employs a unique perspective on people and landscapes to shape and distort the text, manipulating the audience’s understanding that all representations are the result of selection. This is done in a philosophical inquiry of travel, with references to selected artists and writers as well as his personal experiences that are representative of the universal human experience. Thus, by examining the anecdotal viewpoints regarding the disjunction between reality and representation, De Botton explores the philosophy of our selections of landscapes and how this impacts our mental and physical state.
To convey his interpretation of the representations of landscapes and how they are the result of selection, De Botton employs literary devices in a unique structural format to pursue his philosophical inquiry into the art of travel. In doing so, he broadens the discussion of travel and examines our relationship with landscapes and how they affect us as individuals. Throughout the text, inclusive pronouns like “we” are used regularly to engage the reader and claim a universality of experience, suggesting his ideas apply to all. He constantly refers to the experiences of 18th and 19th century writers and artists such as Hodges and Baudelaire to provide a Western Humanist framework for his ideas. Paintings such as “Winter Sun” allow him to physically construct landscapes for us, demonstrating how imagined landscapes are the result of deliberate selection. Furthermore, the recounts of his travel guides present a form of sensory, emotional, and psychological experience, as well as his personal anecdotes that give a sense of authenticity and intimacy. Additionally, De Botton offers a selection of unorthodox imagery such as “the swiftness of the plane’s ascent” to apply careful detail on objects and landscapes otherwise banal, ugly, or overlooked, showing the selectivity of the minds that “omit and compress, cutting away the periods of boredom.” Finally, a motif of the tree enables a sense of continuity as well as a comparison between landscapes, as it is the only constant feature in his numerous landscapes. He explicitly derives that “empty of life, without trees” – the tree representing landscapes as a whole, and whether we select to recognise it as part of our psychological development. Therefore, by accentuating his perspective through a powerful structural format, De Botton is able to shape the reader’s understanding of the representations of landscapes.
In his introductory chapter “On Anticipation”, De Botton exemplifies the disjunction between perceptions of an imagined landscape in comparison to the reality, highlighting that representations of landscapes are simply the product of our selective imagination. He begins with emotive language to depict the winter of London that he describes with adjectives such as “relentless”, “ominous”, and “forbidding”. The bleak imagery is a reflection of his emotional state and suggests his desire to leave. His real London experience of the landscape is contrasted with the imagined landscape of Barbados that is described with pleasant sensory language of “relief”, “sweet”, and “turquoise” where De Botton lends visual imagery to emphasise its beauty by referencing William Hodges’ painting “Winter Sun”. The effect is to allow the audience to recognise that the beauty of a landscape may be solely determined by one’s exposure to representations constructed by writers and artists. This idea is cemented by intertextuality of the character Des Esseintes, who was allured by the landscape of London constructed by Dickens but en-route to the city, ultimately “paid the bill, left the tavern…and never left home again.” The humorous anecdote leads on to the idea that “The reality of travel is not what we anticipate” and that “reality must always be disappointing.” The selective nature of anticipation is further reiterated in De Botton’s personal anecdote in Barbados, where after two months of anticipation “Nothing was as I imagined.” He describes this in the theatrical allusion that juxtaposes the reality of a landscape to theatregoers who project their imagined landscape onto the backdrop of a stage (Page 12). De Botton then accentuates this with accumulative imagery - “We sit in a train. Lunch digests awkwardly within us. The seat cloth is grey” that shows how our selective imagination of landscapes tends to ignore the reality whereby “those eyes were intimately tied to a body and mind which will travel with me wherever I went.” By stating this, De Botton concludes with the intertextual quote by Des Esseintes “imagination could provide a more-than-adequate substitute for the vulgar reality of actual experience.” Therefore by collectively utilising the works of 18th/19th century artists and painters, as well as anecdotes, De Botton is able to engage the reader, thus conveying the idea that anticipation is simply a selective representation of imagination, often leading us to the disappointment of reality.
People and landscapes are explored in an evocative examination of the conflicting perspectives associated between the calm and restorative natural landscape and the artificial city environment. This opinion is represented primarily through the poetic literature by William Wordsworth who emphasises on the emotions confronted by the beauty of nature – “nature can so inform; the mind that is within us.” The philosophy of Wordsworth is backed up by De Botton’s own experiences in the Lake District where pleasant imagery of “perfect weather” evokes emotional explorations. This leads to the Wordsworth’s words that “regular travel through nature was a necessary antidote to the evils of the city” where clear contrast is made between the sensory language that depicts “the smoke, congestion, poverty and ugliness of cities” compared to nature that would “dispose us to seek out life in each other.” De Botton cements this idea by juxtaposing his everyday banality to the beauty and poetry of the natural scene before him. So by stating “identities are to a greater or lesser sense malleable”, De Botton suggests that selecting the landscape you are in will in effect determine your individual state of mind and physicality.
By acknowledging the complex nature of perspectives and representation that arise in response to situations and personalities, De Botton is able to extend and shape the reader’s perspective on representations of landscapes. His careful selection of structure as well as skilful presentation of personal and universal struggles explores the art of travel in unique and evocative ways.
Well, here goes!
First want to say that your language usage is truly beautiful throughout, you've hit that balance between sounding like a grade 2 vocab and sounding like you're trying to cram in 'big words' where they don't fit. I FULL-ON LOVE IT! Also, you seem to have a real feel for poetry - your analysis of the rhythm, metaphors and 'feel' behind the words is at times utterly impressive. Excellent. In these areas, your essay is just so band-six!
But hope you cope with someone slamming you throughout, I'm the sort that just always sees the holes! Let me know if this doesn't make sense, I'm not the most brilliant at clear logical feedback ::)
The landscape can have a powerful impact on individuals moving them both physically and spiritually. As an environmentalist and social activist, Judith Wright believed poets should be concerned with national and social problems. Her evocative connections with the landscape reflect in her poetry, forcing revaluation of humanity’s relationship with nature. Through the dramatic use of language forms and features, Wright establishes the necessity of restabilising the human condition to evoke an opportunity for reconciliation what exactly do you mean by 'restabilise the human condition'? I'm not a fan of vague but impressive-sounding sentences; always, before you write a sentence, think 'exactly what does this mean, in plain basic English?' +, 'evoke opportunity'=not quite the right word. Use a linking wordTim Winton’s ‘Aquifer’ uses a metaphysical journey through the blurring of landscapes to awaken consciousness and encourage self-reflection. It is through the development of language techniques that both texts critique the importance of maintaining a transcendent connection with nature as a trigger for enlightenment. Can’t say much on the intro lol, seems really great to me. I’d just strengthen the links/contrast between the two texts.
Connections with the landscape can encourage reflection and revaluation of past injustices. Flame Tree in a Quarry explores the tenuous technological impact of man on nature that can create tension, highlighting the fragility of nature. The title creates a visual image of the lone ‘flame tree’ in a barren landscape ‘the Quarry’ triggering a metaphor how do you ‘trigger’ a metaphor? Wrong word. Rephrase: The title’s vivid image of the lone ‘flame tree’ in a barren landscape, ‘the Quarry’, metaphorically highlights nature’s fecundity following great destruction. Tip: turning a technique (e.g. metaphor) into an adverb, like ‘metaphorically [highlights/reveals/stresses/depicts]’ can make your writing smoother and nicer to read. If you refer directly to too many techniques, and your paragraph becomes a constant repetition of ‘the author uses this technique “here” which shows…’, it gets a bit choppy, repetitious and boring. ‘Hiding’ your techniques a bit in adverbs helps with flow and interest. about the powerful forces of nature and its fecundity following great destruction. The poet seeks personal reconciliation with the harshness of the land how do you reconcile with harshness? Cool idea, but could be expressed a bit more clearly., stemming from her interests in environmentalism and social issues. Through the emotive description of the ‘dead’ landscape, Wright implies a body/soul connection with nature. Wright uses alliteration to personify the Quarry as a ‘broken bone’ that has been ‘stripped’, the vitriolic tone condemning the destruction of nature. Avoid stating that someone uses a technique, e.g. alliteration, without explaining why they use that, the impact, how it contributes to the overall messages, how it contributes to your paragraph’s argument. Putting in a technique for the sake of it can look like you’re just trying to impress the examiner with your metalanguage – but unless you analyse that technique, you might as well not even mention it! The whole point is the analysis. So as a rule of thumb, never mention a technique or quote without then going on to analyse exactly the impact of it. Stemming from her own interests in environmentalism and indigenous land rights, the poet seeks personal reconciliation with the harshness of the land and those in it I highlighted it red to show that you’ve already said this whole sentence before – there are a couple of problems with that: a) repetition is just a bit irritating/annoying; b) it sounds like you don’t have anything else to say, so you just repeat to pad out a paragraph; and c) it takes away a sense of development or building in the paragraph. Try to avoid repeating ideas, and if you do repeat, at least come up with a different way of structuring/phrasing the idea.. Wright uses the simile ‘like a wrecked skull’ to reveal the impact of man’s destruction of nature Here’s where you could take it to a higher level – like, I get that of course that simile reveals the impact of man’s destruction! BUT, I want you to explain it to me. Think of me like a 5-year-old kid – I want you to fill in every possible gap, step me through it like I’m not all there. Explain exactly what the simile does – how does the ‘wrecked skull’ make me feel? What is it about the choice of those particular words that really highlights man’s destruction of nature? I mean, what you’ve got is good, but ANYONE could write that, and you don’t want to be just ‘anyone’. You want to stand out by filling in the gaps and explaining exactly how the technique causes that overall effect. The alliterative active imagery ‘bush of blood’ that non-literally ‘leaps out’ represents the forces of natural renewal and regrowth, becoming a symbol of injury but also healing and the potential for renewal. The poem highlights recoiling of nature because of man’s interruptions. The personification of the Quarry ‘out of the torn earth’s mouth’ signals the pain felt for the environmental destruction. Again, here’s an opportunity to break out of the ‘the author uses this technique “here” which shows…’ structure, for some variety and to break up the check-listy feeling. Instead of ‘the personification of’, a noun technique, try a verb: ‘Personifying the Quarry as…’ or ‘By personifying the Quarry as…’ You’re still including a technique, but a bit more subtly and ‘nicely’. As the poet empathises, she forces the reader to reconnect and reflect on the fragility of nature’s potential.
I highlighted two sentences blue, because I couldn’t quite see how they fitted into the rest of the paragraph. You’re discussing throughout how Wright really highlights man’s destruction of nature, and the fragility of nature – and then at a couple of random places you mention how Wright shows the land’s regrowth/fruitfulness, which actually contradicts the rest of what you’re saying a bit. What you’ve said is GOOD and insightful, but it doesn’t fit in. It fits more in the next para, actually.
The developing relationship what do you mean here? Whose developing relationship? Remember I’m a dumb idiot and don’t get what you’re sayin’ unless you explain carefully! with the landscape can trigger concerns about the environment and man’s impact on this. Wright creates beautiful Australian symbolism transforming her land into an emotionally accepted background. In employing biblical imagery, Wright demonstrates how nature’s voice is ‘made flesh’ though ‘the singer dies’ referencing the wrecked landscape that forms the body through which the voice of the metaphoric flame tree comes. The poet uses Christian imagery ’the world’s delight/the world’s desire’ to draw on the parable of Christ’s birth as a visual representation on earth as an invisible God, the repeated words of praise becoming a religious experience. Draw further how this impacts the audience and makes them feel about the landscape, or what it presents about the landscape. Through the synaesthesia of ’I drink/ my sight’, Wright highlights transcendence, devouring visually in a religious experience unclear – sounds like you have a really great idea/feel there, but it just hasn’t translated very clearly onto paper of nature and its power to transform individuals. Wright predicts the free reign given to miners resulting in violent destruction of the land. So, how does this link with the sentences around it? The use of the female voice of nature ‘filled with fire’ metaphorically connotes good! ‘metaphorically connotes’ = brilliant the spiritual potential rebirth of nature. The cyclic imagery of the ‘fountain of hot joy’ becomes a metaphor to reveal the escaping blood from damaged vessels, enabling a clean reawakening of nature after great technological damages Me no understand. What has escaping blood from damaged vessels got to do with reawakening/rebirth? You need to step me through it, explaining exactly how the metaphor conveys that message!. The oxymoronic paradox of ‘life/death’ attempts reconciliation with nature to encapsulate the fertility of the land, as life comes from death. Wright implies that nature has power and it is up to man how he chooses to harness it.
The landscape can be a barrier for physical and emotional development, having a regenerative power to evoke reverence. I can’t 100% see what the first half of that sentence has to do with the last half – it feels like two totally different ideas crammed together, while the paragraph should have one single focus or purpose. Epiphanic visions of the poem and the neoromantic overtones of dualism ’consciousness/senses’ enable the poet to reflect on man’s insignificance in the overwhelming beauty of nature. Boy oh boy, do you write nicely. Love it bruh. Through visions and dreams, the poet is able to experience the wonder of the landscape, transcending into the impressive imaginative realm. The external forces of nature conflates with the internal forces of the ‘train’, becoming a vehicle for the persona’s metaphysical journey. The poem which poem, btw? label exactly what you’re talking about begins with a position of entrapment as the poet is ‘Glassed with cold’, the immediate divorcement from nature becoming a springboard for the metaphysical ‘journey’. Wright uses kinaesthetic, auditory and visual imagery ‘confused/ dazzled/hammering’ to create a semi-synesthetic effect by blending the senses as the poet awakens. The conflation of tactile imagery raises inner consciousness. First person ‘I’ reiterates the disengagement from nature through a subjective voice. Much of the lyrical intensity of the verse derives from the immediate local reference of setting. Three short chop-chop sentences; all of them could do with a bit more explanation, and linking together. The controlled rhythm form mimics the ‘hammering’ rhythm of the train, creating an unusual formal stiffness against the metaphoric and passionate subject. The half-rhyme ‘air/star’ connects all aspects of nature to create a holistic vision of spiralled growth This was what I meant by not naming techniques for the sake of naming techniques; sure, it’s a half-rhyme, but if you can’t draw any message out of that, then DON’T mention it.. Through this, Wright reinforces the meditative powers of nature and its ability to transform the human condition.
I’m a bit concerned that you’re just taking a poem and chronologically analysing its language/techniques, without thinking all the time about the THEMES and messages, the bigger picture.
Nature can inspire creativity, its life force mirrored by the composers craft in the power of creation. In encapsulating haunting images of the landscape, the poet utilises a gothic trope for revaluation of self and society within the fragility of place. The ‘dry breast’ of the landscape is metaphorically connected to the persona’s ‘heart’, alluding to the lack of nourishment to acknowledge the fragile ‘country that built my heart’. Through descriptive language of the ‘uncoloured slope’, Wright affirms the crepuscular moonlight draining the colour from the landscape, only to be filled through the poetry. Nature is represented as a violent force and Wright is unsentimental. The image of the phallic ‘ironbark’ tree penetrating the ‘virgin rock’ is unabashed in its sexual reference. Sure, but what does that do? Your aim is to never leave the reader wondering, why did you just say that piece of evidence? With EVERY SINGLE THING you put in, explain why you included it, and what it shows about your overall paragraph idea or contention. Wright’s strength of voice mirrors the call on nature to use its violence for survival in the harsh landscape. The paradox ‘unloving come to life’ becomes a connection of the elemental and impersonal forces of nature that enable the tree to give birth to itself. Wrights invocations is emulated in the rhyming couplet ‘dew/you’ as she admires nature’s strength in Australia’s harsh and unyielding landscape. The persona ‘woke’ to ‘flowers more lovely than the white moon’, the simile representing awe of her new insight into nature that is able to sustain and survive on this barren landscape. Time to zoom out now; you’ve now got to tie together all of the techniques you’ve mentioned, and draw out the overall, broader message
Tim Winton’s intense connections with the Western Australian landscape creates stories with an evocative representation of people and places that are quintessentially Australian. OK. You really need to change something here. Firstly, you’ve put your related text in a separate paragraph rather than integrating them, but secondly you haven’t even used linking words! The essay is like You seriously seriously seriously NEED to link the two texts, and compare how they present people and landscapes – you’ve got to dig into how they use different techniques to present different messages and directly contrast them. Your mark will be severely limited if you just stick two separate short essays together like this. His short story, Aquifer, blurs landscape to critique the past and present melding the future. The title symbolises the Australian landscape as being only superficially dry, the integration of the dead creates more to the landscape, both human and physical, than evident on the surface. <-- run-on sentence Using a retrospective tone, the story signals the moving in of the landscape as the persona ‘travels away in loops and ellipses away from the middle age’ to the suburb of his childhood, Angelus. The symbolic use of the name foreshadows a rebirth for the persona as the pieces of his childhood are put back into place. Opening with tactile imagery ‘stirred’, Winton immediately positions the reader to engage with the persona again, need you to explain; how does that imagery actually position the reader to engage? In your head, I’m sure you’ve thought through the ways that that imagery works; but IF YOU DON’T PUT IT DOWN ON PAPER, you leave a gap and start to sound like you’re jumping to tenuous, unsupportable conclusions! Think of it like the working marks in maths – often, even if you get totally the right answer and did it all the right way, if you don’t write it out, you won’t even get half marks. The duality of the persona and reader embarking on the metaphysical journey becomes a springboard for reflection on how childhood landscapes shape adulthood.
Through manipulating figurative language, Winton provokes feelings and thoughts on people and landscapes. Steer clear of broad vague fluffy sentences like this, anyone could say them and they don’t provide any new insights. Try ‘Winston’s figurative language…’ and dive straight into the specific themes/messages, rather than vaguely referencing the entire topic. Utilising the post-colonial lens, Winton furthers the lack of connections and displacement between the settlers and the landscape as they attempt to ‘plant buffalo grass’. The recurring motif of ‘blood and bone’ strengthens Winton’s concerns to bring forth the unconscious connections with the landscape. The active imagery of the settlers ‘running havoc’ forces revaluation of notions of imperialism and the desire to control the landscape. Winton evocatively conveys through kinaesthetic imagery how the children ‘slipped together, no straight lines’, the ordered lines of the suburbia juxtaposed with the ’twisted logs’ alluding to the life force of the landscape as an embedding force of danger and transformation. Winton’s final image of ‘the past is in us not behind us’ highlights the injustices wrought on the landscape and its inhabitants. Like Judith, Winton encourages his reader to be in awe of the power of nature as a renewing force. Yay. Finally, for the first time in the whole essay, you’re comparing them. But one sentence isn’t enough!!! Give me more!
Try interweaving the two texts throughout your paragraphs, rather than having the related text in a separate paragraph. This is really really important. You want to be directly showing the contrasts and similarities between their techniques, forms and messages.
Quotes
You could practice integrating quotes more smoothly. You quite often do this: ‘… blah blah technique QUOTE…’, i.e. just dumping the quote immediately after the technique without weaving it into the grammar of your sentence.
e.g. ‘Opening with tactile imagery ‘stirred’,…’
‘…the neoromantic overtones of dualism ‘consciousness/senses’ enable the poet to…’
If you read it out loud, you’ll see that the quote just doesn’t fit in there.
At the very least, you need commas: ‘opening with tactile imagery, ‘stirred’,…’ but even that is a bit of a dodge or ‘fake’ way of getting the quote to fit in the sentence. Try ‘Opening with tactile imagery IN THE WORD ‘stirred’…’, or rearrange the sentence completely.
Next: you want to avoid becoming a list of techniques. Techniques are really important, but if you just start listing them off, dedicating 1-2 sentences to each, it can really get in the way of paragraph development. You can end up with a fragmented checklist of ‘this does this, this does this, and this does this’, and forget to zoom out to the overall message of your paragraph. Often, your list of techniques don’t build off each other, because either they just repeat exactly the same point, or they have quite different points that don’t work together very well. Don’t see techniques as the end-point, but as the MEANS to the end – they’re your fodder which you use to demonstrate your overall message, firstly of your paragraph and then of your whole essay.
You also want to avoid chronologically analysing the techniques in a poem - feel free to jump round within and between poems, picking out only the stuff that's 100% relevant to your overall point.
Technique ----> effect ----> overall idea of paragraph ---> overall idea of essay.
A minor expression concern that I’ve touched on a few times throughout: your repeating structure, ‘the author uses this technique ‘here’ to show…’. There’s nothing inherently wrong with it, but if you repeat it countless times in a row, it gets a bit boring, choppy and like a checklist. To increase flow and communicate your ideas better, try these tips:
- Sometimes turn the techniques (nouns, e.g metaphor, personification) into either adverbs or verbs.
The author uses the metaphor ‘X’ to present... ==> The author metaphorically presents…
The author personifies X as Y…’ ==> ‘Personifying X as Y, the author…- Start some sentences with ‘verb-ing’, or ‘by verb-ing’. (You’re already doing this, but there are some places you could do it more.)
The author uses the metaphor ‘X’ to highlight… [message] ==> Highlighting [message], the author uses the metaphor ‘X’.[/i]
The author uses the metaphor ‘X’ to highlight… ==> By using the metaphor ‘X’, the author highlights…- Break it into two sentences, and start the second sentence with ‘This’. Hence, instead of overtly labelling the technique in the first sentence (‘the author uses X technique’), you kinda sneak in the technique name in the second sentence – really helps flow.
The author uses a metaphor when she says ‘X’… ==> The author says ‘X’ and does ‘Y’. This metaphor reveals…
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sadly i got my trials next weekpmsl right in the feels
in regards to Mod C, this is the very same essay i memorised and got 15/20 for. the essay question was
"the manner in which composers represent people and politics has the capacity to influence society's perception of power and integrity" Evaluate the above statement making close reference to Barry Levinson's Wag the Dog, and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
-what is missing from my essay and the top band?
-where can i improve? sophistication? better techniques? structure?
Introduction – 152
The process of fabrication of power correlates with the political motivations of individuals in modern society. The desire to maintain power and authority are scrutinised with every political action, which has furthered encouraged politicians to maintain their authoritative position at all cost. In the film ‘Wag the Dog’ by Barry Levison and in the short story ‘The Weapon’ by Fredrick Brown, the tensions between people and politics are presented through cinematic and narrative forms. The discrepancy between people and politics is a key consideration within a plethora of texts which underscores contemporary social and ethical values. This is further reinforced with Levison’s portrayal of American politics and social anxieties through the thematic concepts of ‘ethics, truth and power’ similarly; Brown consolidates the concepts of power and autonomy through objective and collective perspectives. Ultimately both texts aim to demonstrate how public and collective perceptions are represented through the manipulative nature of social politics.
Ethics and morals – wag 161
The unethical and immoral actions pursued by politicians are a key element within the narrative of the film. This is evident in the scene when the opposition party exploits the sexual misconduct of the president to amplify his immoral actions. Through the choice of emotional and persuasive language ‘Sexual relations with a girl thirteen years old’ the news reporter has intensified the situation. In response, Mr Fix It is summoned by the President, Brean acts as impeccable representation of politics, who fabricates the truth. This is evident through Levison’s utilisation of cinematic techniques such as the juxtaposition of on screen and off screen characterization to further manipulate the public and distract them from the truth. Brean’s identity is exposed in the opening scene ‘there is no B3 bomber, im working on it……’ The repetitious phrase emphasise Brean’s definitive choice to deceive the public which highlights the irresponsible behaviour of politicians as they are ignorant of the cumulative effect of their actions.
Ethics and morals – weapon 96
Comparable, in ‘Weapon’ Dr Graham denies the anarchy his weapon could do. The line ‘I am working on a weapon….’ demonstrates through dialogue that he has rationalized his endeavours so that the side effects of his research are not his responsibility, this further portrays the careless nature of humans. This is similarly manifested in ‘Wag the Dog’, as Brean embodies an egotistical personality combined with his ignorant attitude. This is evident in ‘The war isn't over 'til I say it's over’. Ultimately this negligence of moral and ethical responsibility shows that individual goals surpass collective needs.
Society represented as unintelligent – wag 156
Levinson suggests that it is the public’s lack of discernment when consuming and receiving information and a social desire for heroic sensationalism that drives the success of the government's “pageant”. it can be argued that the government, led by Conrad Brean merely toys with the truth the American people wanted to believe; producing the war as a show to “give ‘em what they want”. The scene specifically the mid shot of the staged Albanian news report conveys the simplicity of stirring public sentiment with “poignant” images that exploits the public trust to gain emotive power. This is reinforced when an image illustrated in the non-diegetic film soundtrack of “The American Dream” which evokes patriotism by idealising “democracy” and “liberty” as the archetypal lifestyle.
Impact of politics on individuals – weapon 143
In addition, through Niemen’s action of giving Harry a loaded revolver, Frederic juxtaposes Graham’s opinion with Neman’s and suggests that actions always have consequences. The author amplifies Graham’s blindness to this in the line ‘only a madman would give a loaded revolver to an idiot’ clearly, Brown is points out Graham’s ignorance to his responsibility and substantiates his wrongfulness. The final quote uses irony and connotative words such as ‘idiot and ‘madman’’, which implies that the ignorance of certain members in society could result in the possibility of the catastrophic ramifications on humanity. This furthers the symbolic representation of the wide scale destruction that can be a result of inscience. Correspondingly in ‘Wag the Dog’ the destruction of society is executed by individual’s action. As evident in ‘we’re not going to have a war, we're going to have the appearance of a war.’
Power and authority – wag 121
Autonomy is determined by political capacities, as personal and social contexts are shaped by the media’s portrayal of contemporary issues such as election campaigns. This is evident in the film, as the establishment shot introduces political propaganda through advertising. The producer accentuates the agenda of politicians and their motivation to control society, this is seen through the use of historical allusion with the reference to Abraham Lincoln’s quote ‘don’t change horses midstream’ this further signifies the ambition of politicians to sustain their status. Ultimately in order to maintain an authoritative position and sovereignty it is essential to exploit the public with persuasive and duplicit means. Conclusively, in both texts the struggle for autonomy is a constant tension between individuals and minorities.
Autonomy – weapon 117
Autonomy is determined by an individual’s social status and their relationships with others. These relationships and the subsequent dichotomies in power highlight the skewed nature of politics. As apparent in ‘Weapon’ Graham’s dialogue ‘I fear you’re wasting your time …..’ uses assertive tone and hyperbaton to fragment and chunk the dialogue. This ascertains that the speaker has autonomy over the conversation and the wider situation. In addition, autonomy is depicted through Niemen’s action ‘I took the liberty of bringing a small gift to your son’ Brown foreshadows the reversal of power, where the situation reverts and the minority gains power. This subversive concept enforces the dynamic nature of autonomy and how it is a socially manipulated construct.
I was about to sleep then got email notification about your reply haha. After school tomorrow I'll take a In depth look at all recommendations you've given and completely edit my essay. THANKS SO MUCH. And btw mod c was more of a theme/idea and I just wrote a paragraph on it, instead of actual essay, which is why it lacks flow. Will definitely edit and post it back here. Thanks again good night :)Haha, you're welcome! -- Yeah, I thought that might have been the case, I just couldn't make out what was going on with your word doc so treated it like a normal essay haha.
A breath of fresh air filled my lungs as I stepped off my boat and onto the soft white sand. The grains bathed my feet, melding with my toes. I sunk deeper and deeper, becoming part of the beach. My knees dropped, and I laid flat on my chest. I scooped up the sand, moving it from one place to the next. I controlled this sand. For once in my life, I was actually in control of my surroundings. I could have laid here for hours if I wanted to, enjoying the sunshine and the calming sound of the crashing waves approaching the shore.!!There was no more ear-piercing gunfire.!!No more hiding helplessly in overcrowded slums.!!Instead, my daughter, Faith, was chasing the waves on the shoreline, splashing water higher than she could reach, laughing, as if ten Christmas’ had come at once. This was bliss!!Our satchels were being thrown onto the shore as I lost myself in daydreams. Faith and I picked them up and carried them to the minivan waiting by the road. Our lives packed into something so finite, it was an odd sight. But I was confident it was all for the best.!!We travelled down the road, in awe of our surroundings: people walking freely on the side of the road, wearing what they like with whom they like. There were children riding bikes and families enjoying uninterrupted conversation, never would I have seen such things where I grew up. Something was different, however. !!White people.!!
White people everywhere. I knew it was Australia and settled by the British, but I thought it had become a very multicultural place. There were a few black people, the ‘Aboriginals’ I had read about – but they certainly didn’t look too happy in their minority. Where were we Chinese to fit in, us so called ‘yellow skins’?!!As we stopped for fuel this sight continued. There were white Australians sitting on every street corner; smoking, drinking and dropping a swear word every thirty seconds. Looking around, it became apparent that we were the odd ones out, with attention mounting as every second pair of eyes was staring down at us.!!Then…!!...it happened…!!“Go back to where ya bloody came from ”!!The voice, echoing around the dull, lifeless streets, sent shivers down the spine of everyone in our group. Just like that, we knew we were not welcome. From the front porches, there were more chants - some less indecipherable than others. These people were drowning in their beer, blurring their vision and muddling their speech. There was shattered glass spread around the dusty petrol bowsers. The clanging of beer bottles, rolling and crashing around the kerbside, poured deep into our ears as more and more locals made us their centre of attention. Two men hurled spit in succession down onto the ground in front of us as they walked closely past, making us take a step back not only in fear, but nausea from their foul odour.!
“Bogans” said our local guide. “They’re a disgrace!” Confronted and dismayed, we paid for our fuel and continued our travels, relieved that these 'people' would not be our neighbours.!!Once arriving at our apartment, I introduced myself to the elderly lady at the front desk.!!“Well, well, well Who is this adorable young lady next to you?” she said.!!“Ah, this is ….. Sarah Yes, Sarah, say hello to the lady, Sarah”. Faith looked at me strangely, clearly confused by her new name. I told her that it was the name of a princess here in Australia and that people would love her even more if they called her that. With a smile, she innocently accepted this new name. Walking outside, we looked around and felt a relieving sense of peace. There was even a sand box just steps from our door. Dropping our things, Sarah and I walked over and sat down on the edge. The soft white sand was warm, like a hot stone massage for our feet. As we laid there, Sarah and I looked up at the blue sky and watched the sea gulls fly over.
We looked back down and felt our feet touch underneath the surface of the sand. !!Connected and at one. This was our new home.
There was no more ear-piercing gunfire.!!No more hiding helplessly in overcrowded slums.!!
There was no more ear-piercing gunfire... No more hiding helplessly in overcrowded slums."
hey Nerd! here's the copy i was talking aboutHoly shit, this is way better than the other one. Detailed feedback tomorrow :)
tyvm
hey, trials is on monday, i would really appreciated if this can be checked up before sunday!!!!!! #NOPRESSURE
ahhaha its ok if you guys are busy, worth a try :)
MOD B - Critical Study of Text
MOD A - Comparative Study of Texts
Mod A has a very general question (from assignment i got 9/10), whereas Mod B they could ask anything, so yeah...... i didn't bother putting a essay cause if i focus on one thing i would most likely be screwed LOL. just gonna adapt to the q on the day :)
ty in advance
Hi allHey JesSizzle!
Just wondering if anybody would like to comment and give me feedback for an english essay Im writing. I really struggle with english and it would mean the world to me if anyone could help me out because i really want to improve. :) I just need to finish proof reading and then i will attach it along with the question and marking criteria.
I would very much appreciate your time and feedback
Thank you so much from what i can tell your feedback is excellent please don't hold back i need all the help i can get
Question
Discuss how both Winton and Saed reflect their context in their values and ideas they represent and the ways their texts were created.
Marking Criteria for top band.
• Demonstrates extensive and insightful understanding of the meaning of a pair of texts and the values and ideas they convey.
• Evaluates skilfully the relationship between texts and contexts using well-selected and detailed textual reference.
• Composes a perceptive analysis using language appropriate to audience purpose and form.
Values are inherent in every composer’s context and because of the subjective nature of texts; these values are reflected in texts. Tim Winton’s short story Big World and Zohra Saed’s What The Scar Revealed and Voices: Achieves Of Spines all contain inherent values of freedom and identity, however from these values we can further develop ideas such as, the inextricable connection with place that shapes ones identity and the role of oppression that motivates the pursuit of freedom. These fundamental ideas are common throughout these texts but the way the in which they have been interpreted and embedded within these texts correspond directly with the composers personal and cultural context.
The role of oppression in motivating the pursuit of freedom is a common idea reflected in both texts. Both motives and ramifications of the pursuit of freedom are represented differently in each text due to the personal context of each composer.
In Winton’s Big World freedom is a self-indulgence away from the oppression of the limited opportunities in their home town.
“We’d be like all the other poor stranded failures who stayed in Angelus. But now we’re on the road its time for second thoughts.”
The retrospective tone alludes to the sense of oppression and failure the characters have about their hometown, Angelus. However the use of the present tense and the idiom “its time for second thoughts” shows the audience that their pursuit for freedom consequently leads them into the uncertain future outside their familiar hometown. The ironic tittle Big Word also provides a sense of oppression that the character feels as they are oppressed by the limited opportunities as well as their monotonous jobs at the meatworks. Towards the end of this narrative the characters gain freedom but as a ramification they feel hopeless in the uncertain situation, however they no longer feel the oppression of monotony in their situation past in their hometown.
From Winton’s personal context growing up in rural Albany his characters emotions correspond directly to his personal experiences of the hopelessness and monotony of life after school and feelings of uncertainty about his writing career and future while he was an adolescent, this is effectively represented in his short story Big World
Saed whose pursuit for freedom is essential for her survival presents an alternate idea.
“She throws a tinselled veil up to the sky and catches lapis coloured doves”
Throughout the Poem What The Scar Revealed Saed creates vivid imagery and uses symbolism, Doves symbolic of freedom, and Lapis a precision stone reflects the extent to which she values freedom.
“ I taste the past from which we have escaped with our lives.” Similarly in Voices: Archive of Spines Saed uses sustained metaphors evoking the senses. The personal taste connotes feelings of bittersweet, Nostalgic of her Afghan culture but appreciative of her new found freedom. From this textual evidence we can understand that the absences of freedom is detrimental to the characters and motivates her pursuit to freedom in a foreign country. From Saed’s personal context of growing up in Afghanistan before moving to America, the audience gains an insight into the difficulties Saed was faced when she moved to American and became immersed in a foreign culture. Her writing reflects both the the characters and her own pursuit for freedom and consequently their efforts to preserve their culture and tradition in a foreign place.
The inextricable connection with place that shapes ones identity is an idea that reflects the composer’s cultural context in their texts. Winton presents a spiritual and familiar connection to place that shapes his characters identity.
“ I’m vague about my whereabouts and look out at the monastery and church spires and whitewashed walls of the town while she tells me I’m throwing my future away”
The first person voice gives a sense that the audience is witnessing the characters internal thoughts, as they find themselves lost in and unfamiliar place. The narrator then recognises a church. This is a reflection of Winton’s cultural context growing up in fundamentalist Christian family. The familiar church can also symbolise both Winton’s and the narrator’s belief that religion can provide guidance in uncertainty. Also the father of the narrator is absent from the phone call as well as the story. Although in Big Word a father figure is not directly mentioned the character Vic Lang is a motif throughout the whole anthology. From Big World the audience is present with aspects of Winton’s cultural context of growing up in a matriarchal family that highly valued education and religion. Through his context Winton’s identity is reflected among the characters.
For Saed hey identity is shaped by her Afghan culture and family traditions. The absence of her culture in her foreign country where she resides is what motivates Saed to preserve it. From her cultural context leaving her country when she was only 1 year old. Through the memories and stories of her Aunts and grandmothers, the storytellers she preserves her lost identity that deeply connected her Afghan ethnicity. “Aunts who have embroided history onto the hems of sleeves and skirts”
In Voices: Archive of Spines this imagery of embroidery connotes feelings of pride and creativity it clearly represents the family pride of their heritage by using a metaphor to present the way they skilfully preserve their history and culture that shapes their identity “ Grandmothers tell the story of: how wounds heal only after they have memorised the moment of hurt” form this quote in What the Scar revealed Saed uses the umbilical chord scar and it pain as metaphor for the pain and suffering of leaving behind a culture but the recovery and resolution the characters find in persevering these memories of the characters birthplace. Saed’s deep connection to her birthplace and her valued Afghan culture is what shapes Saed’s identity. Winton’s characters identities are shaped by the components of the place they live in such as education, family and religion. Similarly both have the common issue of displacement but preserve their cultural identity through religion, tradition as well as family connects and place.
The role of oppression, motivating the pursuit of freedom as well as the inextricable connection between place and identity are to ideas that are common to both texts. However it is the techniques and the ways these ideas are imbedded into these texts that give the audience a deep insight into both the personal and the cultural context of the composers. All texts are constructs and therefore the ways in which ideas are interpreted will be derived from the composer context.
Thank you so much this has been really helpful your feedback is so extensive thanks again :DYou're super welcome! If you ever need help with your other subjects, feel free to post questions in the relevant boards! :)
Is humanbecause you're talking about many/all people, you need the plural 'humans' rather than the singular 'human,' so this should be: 'Are humans...' driven by the need to discover? Discovery is to explore the unseen world and experience a world that may not previously have been seen. It is through such discoveries that some individuals face ramifications which allow them to change perspectives of themselves and the world. This validates the statement that we can transform our understanding of ourselves and the world by travelling to new places or viewing a familiar place through new eyes. Good expanding of what it means to discover something. I like that you're including 'seeing old things with new eyes' and not just 'seeing new things.' Discoveries can allow us to live by new values, however some choose not to. This is a bit brief - if you want to use this as a key point or argument, then maybe spend an extra sentence talking about it so the assessor knows what you mean.Discoveries enable new understandings and renewed perceptions of ourselves and the worldyou've said this already in a previous sentence. Go Back To Where You Came From (Go Back), a TV documentary series first aired in 2011 on SBS, explores the idea of travelling to places which contributes to new values and renewed perceptions inherited by some participants. A linking word would be good here. eg. 'Likewise' or 'Furthermore... 'Invictus, a poem by William Ernest Henley, published in 1998, affirms how seeing the world through new eyes approves Word Choice. This doesn't really fit here. Perhaps use 'facilitates' or 'creates' new values and understandings. Similarly, Sean Penn’s 2007 film Into The Wild,displaysreveals that travelling to a new place does bring about new values and renewed perceptions This point seems a little simplistic. We already know that the poem says something about discovery leading to broader perceptions, but your introduction should be exploring these ideas in more detail. All these texts greatly support the statement and let the characters, participants and viewers/readers just pick one. 'Audience' is probably best. Don't use slashes (/) in your writing as they're seen as informal to understand ourselves and the world better.
New values are not necessarily created by individuals when they go through a process of discovery. Good! :) Topic sentence is based on an idea or concept.In Go Back remember to put the title in 'single quotation marks', there are 6 participants with different perspectives and values. Be careful here; you've started off well, but going from a really big idea about the process of discovery and then jumping into an example too soon can feel a bit sudden. (e.g. 'Often our perspectives are shaped by our life experiences. For example, in 'Go Back,' we see...' <-- notice how the sentences don't really connect very well?) Instead, try to gradually go from the idea to the example over two or three sentences if needed. This will let you explore the idea more fully too. Even after hard experiences, some participants only change slightly and keep the same mentality. After the leaky boat experience, when they get onto the safe boat, Darren is questioned a lot You're keeping your sentences nice and clear here, which is excellent, but I'm not too sure what you're referring to here. I'm guessing it's that Darren was interviewed, but you haven't really made that clear (i.e. who is he being questioned by? What are the questions?). Darren started off with the attitude of how he doesn’t agree with people who put themselves on the boat when “they’re already safe”. Good quote integration! While being questioned on the safe boat, he is juxtaposed with Gleny standing beside him, perhaps because they are participants of extremely different perspectives. With a medium camera shot, we see the expressions of Gleny when Darren says “I don’t feel empathy for people who willingly put their lives at risk when they are already safe”. This is ironic because Darren does not understand that they are unsafe and getting onto a boat is their last resort to stay safe. Why is Gleny important here? You bring him up but don't really explain the significance of him. How is Gleny different to Darren? And, more importantly, what does this example say about the prompt, and about discovery? During the raid in Malaysia (Episode 2) I don't think you have to specify this, or if you do, it should be part of the sentence, not in brackets (i.e. 'During the raid in Malaysia in Episode Two, Raquel is seen...') but check with your teacher to be sure, Raquel is seen as keeping her original values. The medium shot of her while saying “They should be doing this in Australia…” reflects her as being ignorant and confused as she says it without facing the camera but instead is looking at the raid. This illustrates how she is very stubborn on her viewpoint and instead of looking at it from a different perspective after discovering, she continues to look at it negatively. Overall, this shows that travelling to new places does not always transform our understandings of the world, shown through Raquel and Darren.
Try to link ^this discussion to the next one in the Topic Sentence below. How are these two ideas related? Start with a word like 'Similarly...'/'Likewise...' or 'Contrarily...'/'On the other hand...' and make a connection from there.
Hardships that an individual goes through allow them to discover new values. So why were the people in your previous paragraphs unable to shift their world views? What's different in this case? In Invictus, the writer writes about his own experience. After he was diagnosed with a disease, he started to look at the world through new eyes which enabled him to discover himself and new values. In comparison to Go Back, some characters are not able to change their values and decide to stick to their original values. Rather than going from Go Back in the previous paragraph, to a brief mention of Invictus, to Go Back, to Invictus again, try and minimise the amount of switching that you do. Conclude your Go Back paragraph, and then, at the start of the next one, make a strong link between the two texts and then just start analysing Invictus; there's no reason to go back and forth between them in this case. However, in Invictus, the poet is able to change his values and writes from a new perspective after beingput intothis is a bit informal; maybe say 'after experiencing...' hardships. The use of simile and alliteration in “Black as the pit from pole to pole” (Line 2 – Stanza 1) again, I don't think you have to cite the line and stanza number, but I'm not 100% sure,gives the allusionthis expression is a bit odd; you can go for a simpler verb like 'represents' or 'shows' instead of how severe his experience was. It contrasts the darkness of his suffering to the blackness of a hellish pit stretching from pole to pole. AWESOME!!! I was just about to say that your previous sentence: 'this quote gives the allusion of how severe his experience was' wasn't really enough because you hadn't explained HOW that quote demonstrates your point, but you've done it right here!! :) Really good stuff, and something that a lot of essays miss out on - always make sure you're spelling out the link between your evidence and your ideas like this. The severity of his hardship allowed him to understand the world and himself better. The visceral imagery used in “I have not winced nor cried aloud” (Line 6 – Stanza 2) describes that even though he has experienced pain, he will not show it remain strong. <-- link these ideas? -->“I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul” (Line 15 and Line 16 – Stanza 4) uses first person and anaphora, emphasisingonthe fact that the poem is his story and his response to his discovery. His discovery allowed him to make new values that assisted him to live his life. These quotes show how seeing the world with new eyes allows the individual to create new values and simultaneously gain a better understanding of ourselves and the world.
Rather than listing three points of evidence and then getting to the end of the paragraph to make the connection obvious, try to make links as you go! You don't want your paragraphs to read like a dot-point list of examples with some analysis just put one after another. Instead, you want to go from one point to the next. Think of it this way: if you bake a cake, you don't want the end result to be a pile of flour with some unbeaten eggs in it, covered in milk... that's not a cake :P A cake involves blending the ingredients so you can get the right mixture. In the end, the assessors will still be able to point at it and say 'okay, I can see that there's chocolate, butter, and some milk in there' just like they'll be able to see your paragraph and think 'okay, I can see that you've used this quote and this example,' but there's still an overall structure. Sticking the ingredients together doesn't magically turn them into a cake; you have to combine them. So, when you're writing your paragraph, try to focus on building one example into the next. There must be a reason why you're going from one example to another one - maybe it reinforces your point, or maybe it demonstrates another facet of your argument. Whatever the reason is, mention it in your discussion so that your assessor can follow your logic :)
Discoveries can encompass new values and morals. Connect this with your previous discussion. In Into The Wild, before he sets off to his physical discovery, he who's 'he?' You haven't introduced the main character yet discovers values that assist him in his physical discovery to Alaska. When compared to Go Back, they both have characters that change their values when they experience difficulties. In Invictus, the character also significantly changes his understanding of the world after going through discovery and this concept isdiscoveredexplored in the film Into the Wild too. In the flashback where the family is eating, the mother says to Christopher that they will gift him a new car. He replies with “I don’t need a new car. I don’t want a new car” and as he is replying, the camera focuses on his mother with a close up camera shot. Her expression what is her expression? What emotions is she revealing? And how does this illustrate the fact that they have different values? illustrates the difference in values of his mother and himself. When Alex is on his journey to Alaska, he is sitting down and writing about his life in his diary. While he is writing, there is a medium camera shot of Alex playing with horses while the text: My days were more exciting when I was penniless” moves horizontally across the screen. This scene shows through his physical discovery he realised that he prefers life without money as money isn’t important for survival. Why is this discussion important? What does this tell us about the nature of discovery?
Discoveries allow us to renew our perceptions of the world. Again, you need a link between this sentence/idea and what you've just discussed in the previous paragraph. There is a connection, but because you haven't made it clear, you can't get marks for it. After going through different experiences in Go Back, there are characters that are able to, at the end, renew their perceptions of the world. Their experiences allow them to forget about their existing perceptions and generate renewed perceptions. slight repetition here; try to find some synonyms because this is a word that you'll be using a lot. After leaving Deo’s family in Africa (Episode 3), Raquel changes her views what were her views before, and what did she change to? You don't really explain this here, you just provide a quote and mentions that she doesn’t like the term “black people anymore…They’re not black people, they’re African people…” What does this quote mean for her character? What does it suggest she's changed from/into? This is shown through a close shot of her face with slow, expressive music.This music makes the atmosphere look real and meaningful as it displays that her process of discovery allowed her to change and renew her opinions.The music probably shouldn't be your focus here - concentrate on the words in that quote and what they signify. Furthermore, in episode 2, when Adam is working with the Chins, he decides to ask how much the workers are paid. The medium shot shows his emotions which emotions?? Calling it a 'medium shot' isn't very important, but talking about his facial expressions and emotions is crucial! as well as showing the background of the working conditions which represents hard work and dedication How do you know? What is it about the background that represents hard work? Describe what you see or hear in the show, and explain why these details reveal those ideas.The music also becomes tense and slow to create a hardworking atmosphere.With all this, we can see that Go Back does explore travelling to new places renews our perceptions and leads to a better understanding of the world and ourselves. Don't just restate the prompt; try to go a bit further in unpacking your ideas. Your examples shouldn't just be used to demonstrate a 'yes' or 'no' argument; they should allow you to explore more interesting points of view.
Discoveries enable new understandings of ourselves and the world. In Invictus, through the writer’s experience of discovery, he is able to change his perception on life. Similar to Go Back, the characters do experience renewed perceptions and this is because of the hardships they face. The previous sentence is about 'Go Back,' but this next one is about 'Invictus,' though you haven't made it clear that you've changed texts. Be careful when jumping between them.Lines 13 and 14, “It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll,” contains a direct biblical allusion: “Strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it” (Matthew 7:13-14). This shows that he was able to discover spiritually which allowed him to gain a better understanding of the world and to renew his perceptions. Good. In stanza 2, line 8, the use of visceral imagery and alliteration “my head is bloody but unbowed” shows that even though the poet experienced such hardships, he remained strong andpulled throughbit colloquial it. He was able to hold his head high and this allowed him to see a new perspective of himself. what was this new perspective, exactly? These quotes and techniques show us how being able to renew our perspectives, we can understand ourselves and the world better. Notice how this point could essentially be summarised as 'yes, the prompt is right.' Try to avoid this. Take things a step further and challenge the prompt a little bit if you want to push your ideas into better territory. More on this in the end comments.
An individual’s perceptions are renewed when they discover. Into the Wild explores how different perceptions are created when a person is discovering and this is seen through the character of Christopher/Alex. This film can be associated with both Go Back and Invictus as they explore the same concept and comprise of characters that renew their perceptions after discovering. While Alex is sitting down and reading, there is a flashback of his past where his dad is beating up his mum. After the flashback, the camera focuses on Alex’s face as he has tears after reminiscing about that incident. Towards the end of the film, where his values change again, we see a hand-held camera along with a close up camera shot moving across Alex’s face and him writing: Happiness is only real when shared’. At the end of his discovery he realises that he was wrong when he thought life could be lived without family/friends don't use slashes; say 'and' or 'or'. He wishes he could go back to his family to live again, however it is too late. This demonstrates to us his renewed perceptions because first he thought family and friends weren’t important, however through his discovery he realised he was wrong.
In conclusion, all three texts do explore characters that face ramifications and challenges by travelling to new places and in some cases just seeing the world with new eyes, which allow them to change their perspectives of themselves and their worlds. Go Back and Into the wild are about characters physically travelling to new places to discover, this isn't something you explore in much detail in your body paragraphs where as in Invictus, the poet sees the world with new eyes which enables him to renew his perspectives. The film Into The Wild has one main character that discovers and is able to change perspectives and values, whereas in Go Back, there are six participants that set off on a journey and experience differences in values at different stages. Try not to just re-list your evidence in your conclusion. Conclusions are about ideas, so you want to say something about discovery here, not just go back over your major exeamples. All three texts greatly show how our understanding of ourselves and the world may change when we travel to new places or view a familiar place through new eyes.
Experiences of discoveries either challenge or affirm deeply held values, resulting in transformations and broadened perceptions. Within Shakespeare’s tragicomedy The Tempest, lies an exploration into the transformative power of discoveries supplemented by an examination into bit of repetition in the sentence structure here. Try to vary your expression the relationship between one’s self and one’s world, enabling Shakespeare to renew perspectives on colonialism this is a bit too general? What perspectives are being renewed? Are you saying he was renewing ideals that had been lost to Jacobean England? Or are you saying that the perspectives he depicted renewed those of his time? I know this is a generalised essay, but this probably wouldn't cut it in the exam as it's a little too insubstantial. However, the multi-faceted nature of discoveries espouses this word usually only works with an active agent as the subject of the sentence. Think of it like the verb 'adopt' as in 'to adopt the view that...' You can't say 'discoveries adopt the view that ramifications are placed on individuals' because discoveries can't 'adopt' anything - nor can they 'espouse.' What you seem to be getting at here is that the nature of discoveries reveals/shows that... etc. It's worth looking up some synonyms for these kinds of verbs though, as they come up a lot the differing ramifications imposed upon individuals, as Edgar Allen Poe’s psychological short story, The Tell Tale Heart, conversely depicts the limitations of discoveries in evoking change. Nonetheless, Poe similarly creates fresh perspectives by widening perceptions on the human condition. Thus..answer question. see end comments re: memorised material
In The Tempest, Shakespeare highlights the power of discoveries to unveil the faults of individuals - an instrumental step in engendering transformation and repentance. From the outset, the tempest which shipwrecks the characters on the island, acts as a physical manifestation and symbol of Prospero’s flawed desire for vengeance. This is a good point, and you've linked a major piece of evidence to some analysis quite nicely, but there's not quite enough of a connection between this and your topic sentence; namely, what does this have to do with discovery? The plight of the characters Which characters? What plight? This doesn't link to the previous point about Prospero at all, it seems. There is a connection here, but you can't get marks for it unless you make it explicit facilitates Miranda’s self-discovery of compassion, her emotive language “If by your art... I have suffered/ With those that I saw suffer!”” acts as a foil to Prospero’s enthusiastic exclamation ”Why, that’s my spirit” in apprehending the destruction he has contrived. As such, Prospero relegates to the immorality of Alonso, Sebastian and Antonio, conspirators of his usurpation who ultimately realise their moral shortcomings through the dramatic device of a vanishing banquet followed by the pagan image of a harpy, symbol for truth and justice. There's a bit too much going on in this sentence, and it feels like you've moved away from the focus of your paragraph quite rapidly. This confronting discovery of the supernatural coupled with Ariel’s accusatory tone “you are three men of sin”, prompts Sebastian and Antonio to run off in a mad fit. In contrast, Alonso acknowledges his guilt and repents, using the metaphor of a church orchestra to describe the purifying experience, where “the thunder, that deep and dreadful organ pipe, pronounced the name of Prosper”. Good analysis! And awesome quote integration to back it up :) Ironically, it is through Ariel’s pathos for the characters “if you beheld them now, your affections would become tender” that Prospero transforms and recognises that “the rarer action is in virtue than in vengeance” with the antithesis of “virtue” and “vengeance” highlighting his discovery of forgiveness. I think you could spell this out a little more; how is this antithesis created? ie. how do you know it's an antithesis? Are you wanting to analyse the meaning of the words individually, or the fact that there's alliteration here? And how does this antithesis link with the idea of discovery? Don't just tell me 'this evidence highlights this idea' - explain why this is the case! Thus, The Tempest reveals the potentialoffor discoveries to uncover flaws within individuals, was this your sub-argument here? Your concluding sentence is really nice, but it feels a bit divorced from what's going on in the actual paragraph. You need to a) make sure your evidence links from point to point - there are moments where you do this well, but the beginning of the para. jumps around a bit too much, and b) ensure that you can forge a link between this collective evidence and the point you're making. What you've got here is a very solid argument, and I can see how your evidence would support it, but if I'm your assessor, I'm not allowed to give you marks for what I assume or project onto your essay; I can only credit you with what you make apparent laying the foundations for change and transformation.
In The Tell Tale Heart, Poe conversely depicts the limitations of discoveries to induce positive transformations through the protagonist’s lack of penitence despite apprehending his moral vices. what do you mean by this exactly? Are you talking about his qualms with killing, or his guilt? I'm not too sure what 'apprehending' is doing in this context or which 'vices' you're referring to. Throughout the narrative, Poe employs the recurring motif of a heartbeat as a physical manifestation of the narrator’s internalised guilt. Good! The succession of short sentences in “They hear!-they suspected!-they KNEW!” emulates the rhythm of the heartbeat, allowing the audience to empathise perhaps 'pity' would be more appropriate here. 'Empathise' implies we look at his situation and think 'ah, that sucks, and I'd hate to be in the same situation because that's how I'd respond if it happened to me' (e.g. empathising with a friend crying because they failed a test when you know what that feels like) whereas pity is more like 'that really sucks that you got yourself into this situation - I would've acted differently and in accordance with my own morals, but I still feel bad for you' (e.g. pitying a friend who got caught cheating in a test, even though you would never even consider cheating) with the narrator’s troubled conscience. Thus, Poe effectively heightens dramatic tension, adding emphasis to the epiphany “Suddenly, I knew that sound was not in my ears, it was not just inside my head!”, as the narrator, like Alonso is confronted by the immorality of actions. Really nice link here!!! This is a great way to bridge across texts and I like how subtly you transition :) :) This self discovery, catalysed by symbols of moral righteousness, the “three officers of the police”, parallels Alonso’s realisation good evidence + language here of his immorality starting to overuse this word a bit - find some synonyms! in confronting the harpy. However, antonymous an 'antonym' is a word that's the opposite of another (e.g. 'bad' is an antonym of 'good') so you could only call two things antonymous if you were talking about words and their meaning. You can't really apply it to concepts or plot devices, so go for something like 'contrary' or 'as opposed to' here instead to the peaceful denouement in The Tempest, epitomised by the dramatic device of Prospero’s unifying circle, representing the complete cycle of change and repentance, The Tell Tale Heart is devoid of meaningful transformations This is the second piece I've read that makes this argument, and I'd have to disagree here - the whole story is like one long, slow, gradual realisation, changing the character from a cold-blooded killer to a guild-ridden shell of a man who ends up dobbing himself in, which seems like a substantial transformation to me. The narrator’s lack of contrition despite realising his moral corruption is underscored by the exclamatory repetitions in “Why does his heart not stop beating?! Why does it not stop?!”, wherein the anaphora “why” contradicts the fulfilling nature of discoveries, as experienced by Alonso as in, Tell Tale's narrator only has questions, whereas Alonso is able to find answers? If that's not it, I'm not sure what your point is here. As such,The Tell Tale Heart serves a counterpoint to the positive transformative ramifications of discoveries Okay, so are you saying TTH suggests that discoveries can lead to negative transformations, or that sometimes discoveries don't lead to any positive transformations at all? There's some great discussion in this paragraph, but your final point is a little less clear - tighten that up so you can do your paragraph justice.
It'd be great if you had some linking words for the starts of these paragraphs. It can seem superficial, but even a basic 'Furthermore' or 'Similarly' can create the illusion of flow and make it seem like your paragraphs are building on one another rather than being three or four entirely separate discussions. In The Tempest , the act of discovering new ideals entails a challenge to pre-existing beliefs, leading to the creation of renewed are they 'new' or 'renewed?' The former implies you're discovering entirely new ideals for the first time, but the latter implies you're rejuvenating your perspective by seeing something familiar in a fresh light. You've got both in this sentence, which is a little confusing perspectives of the world. Shakespeare employs the sea voyage in act 1 this discussion feels like it belongs more with the first bit of your first paragraph when talking about the actual tempest and the journey itself as a historical allusion to the age of discovery during which colonialism was spurred on by expansionist ideologies. Caliban’s harsh emotive language and parenthesis “I loved thee, and showed thee all the qualities of the isle....cursed bet that I did so” establishes the notion of exploitation reflected in the relationship between Caliban and Prospero, master and slave. Within the imperialist construct, Caliban’s subjugation to the civilised Prospero is justified, where Caliban’s characterisation as a “freckled welp, hag-born...not honoured with human shape” echoes supercilious European attitudes towards natives of the “New World”. Good. Shakespeare utilises try not to overuse this word - it's not wrong, but it's a missed opportunity to say something more than 'Shakespeare uses X' Consider: 'celebrates, condemns, condones, propounds, vilifies etc.' a parody of the colonialist role in the parallel plot of Trinculo and Stephano as they encounter Caliban to reiterate the link between physical discoveries and exploitation despite simultaneously satirising colonial theory quote? However, through this unexpected encounter, the audience discovers Caliban’s nobility, illustrated by the use of iambic pentameter and eloquent language “be not afeared. The isle is full of noises, sounds and sweet airs”, which contrasts his previous characterisation. The discovery of Caliban’s true nature forces the audience to question both the morality of colonialism that enslaves such noble creatures and, thus preconceived assumptions of European dominance. Very good, this is much more clearly spelled out - aim for this kind of clarity when explaining evidence because this is excellent. Therefore, the play, an allegory for 17th century European colonisation, intrinsically serves as a catalyst for the audiences’ self-discovery by challenging entrenched ideologies of the “Old world” and facilitating new perspectives on the “New World” V good para conclusion.
Whereasdiscoveries in The Tempest challenge widely held assumptions of the world, discoveries in The Tell Tale Heart reshape perspectives on humanity.The psychological horror story, written in the style of dramatic monologue and first person narration invites the audience to vicariously experience the narrator’s journey of self-discovery I thought you said before that there was no meaningful transformations in the story? Initially, the narrator’s attempt to assert his sanity through repetitive rhetorical questions “Why do you say that I am mad?...Is it not clear that I am not mad?” produces an antithetical response, with the repetition of the double negative “not” demonstrating the narrator’s lack of mental coherence good point :). The metaphoric “vulture eye”, symbolic of man’s desire for truth, expedites the constructed discovery of the narrator’s insanity yes it does, but you need to tell me how and why it does so. What function does the vulture eye play in TTH? Why is this significant? whereas in The Tempest, the audience unexpectedly discovers Caliban’s nobility. I like that you're making links across the texts, but this one comes across as a bit too brief. Either flesh it out for another sentence so you can make your point properly, or just get rid of this reference and focus more so on TTH in this para. This intellectual realisation challenges the protagonist’s self-perspective and catalyses the murder of the “old man”. As such, Poe utilises the intentionally anonymous narrator you could even make something of the use of 1st and 2nd person throughout, as in 'You think me mad' where the protagonist addresses the reader directly; consider the effect of this as a representative of humanity, revealing the innate evil within mankind, a discovery mirrored by the contrast between Caliban and Antonio in The Tempest. Whilst civilised Antonia appears superior to Caliban, he in fact the morally corrupt “savage”, evinced by the hyperbole “twenty consciences that stand ‘twist me and Milan” good. Thus, the audience’s changed perception of humanity, as facilitated by The Tell Tale Heart, parallels reshaped attitudes towards European superiority and colonialism in The Tempest, reiterating the power of discovery to challenge preconceived beliefs and create fresh perspectives. Some excellent comparison here, but I think the point of this paragraph undercuts the one you made in your 2nd a bit. There's some inconsistency with your interpretation of TTH that needs to be ironed out - everything on The Tempest is fine here though.
Inevitably, the process of discovery entails challenges to preexisting values you've used this expression at the start of your 3rd para already; vary this, namely of humanity in The Tell Tale Heart and of the colonial theory in The Tempest. Although, discoveries may develop opportunities for transformation and change, the dichotomous ramifications demonstrated in The Tempest and The Tell Tale Heart attest towardsthe individualised and unique nature of discoveries. Nonetheless both texts highlight....Answer question see end comments
"Try to minimise the amount of 'X represents Y' sentences and instead opt for more in depth explanations of how and why X represents Y, if that makes sense."The overall paragraph argumentation is important, but you also need to make sure the individual pieces of your analysis fit together and aren't assuming too much of your assessor.
Could you elaborate a bit more on this part? The style i adopt when I write an essay usually means I build up an argument over the course of a paragraph instead of having individual discrete sentences. Could you show me an example on how I could improve with regards to your feedback?
"Analyse how discoveries have a meaningful impact on a person’s sense of self".
An individual’s sense of self and identityisshould be 'are' since you're talking about both 'sense of self' and 'identity,' and the distinction between the two can be quite interesting, in fact directly impacted by discoveries in their lives, which become meaningful due to their personal nature. This act of self-discovery can help an individual develop their relationships and perception of their purpose in the world. The play Away written by Michael Gow and the film Mao’s Last Dancer directed by Bruce Beresford both consistently demonstrate this idea. These impacts what impacts, exactly? If you're talking about developing relationships and perceptions, those ideas haven't really carried into the following sentence, so you've got a discussion of some concepts, then a sentence about the texts, and then you go back to those concepts again, which can be a bit jarring to follow on sense of self can be a result of an individual overcoming grief, altering world views, developing a connection with nature and also finding freedom. Try to avoid this listing of ideas if you can. Often intros are strengthened by 'opening up' the discussion, so spending maybe a sentence on each of these in order to flesh them out would be preferable to simply getting them all out of the way in one go. Therefore discoveries have a very meaningful impact on a person’s perception of themselves.
Self-discovery can assist an individual in overcoming hardships and loss, fostering a deeper inner understanding. People who have dealt with grief at some point in their lives can have a stronger sense of self and resilience. Great! I like that you're not just jumping from a hugely broad idea about discovery into the text in the very next sentence; these transition points where you gradually 'zoom in' are awesome! In Away, the character Coral is immobilised by the death of her son in the Vietnam War to the point where she struggles to function in everyday society. She describes her pain as being, “everywhere, isn’t it? In the air we breathe”, in which Gow uses a rhetorical question and a metaphor to demonstrate the all-consuming and hopeless nature of her grief see end comments!. As the play progressestowards its conclusion, Coral begins to heal as she discovers her ability to continue everyday life without her son. The Shakespearean device of a play-within-a-play perhaps this is terminology your teacher has verified (in which case ignore this) but I wouldn't necessarily call a 'play-within-a-play' a Shakesperean technique.He wasn't the first to use it in Hamlet and intertextuality is a very common thing, so unless you want to make a more substantial link here, it might be better to alter the wording, ‘The Stranger on the Shore’ is symbolic of Coral’s return from the, “silent bottom of the deep”, to, “[her] own world and [her] own people”. She demonstrates this meaningful transition by stating, “[in her own voice] I’m walking, I’m walking, I’m walking”, representing her new identity and rediscovery of the value of life. But how does her statement of "I'm walking" represent this? The evidence you've selected and the arguments you're making here are both excellent; you just need to connect the two more clearly to ensure you're getting sufficient credit. Thus it can be seen that discoveries have direct impact on an individual’s sense of self in overcoming grief and loss. V. good para conclusion that links directly to both the discussion and the topic :)
The discovery of contrasting cultures and worldviews allows --since it's singular 'discovery' even though you're talking about a plural contrast for an individual to examine their identity and place in society. Often it can come as a shock for people as they experience a country or culture’s ideologies for the first time. This is very prevalent in Mao’s Last Dancer as Li is exposed to the predominantly capitalist American ideology which is in conflict with the Communist China he grew up in. As a child Li was effectively brainwashed into thinking that Americans, “live in darkness with hardly any daylight”. This hyperbolic statement is juxtaposed with a shot that follows of Li in an American nightclub with a close up of the bright lights surrounding him. Beresford clearly demonstrates you're using this word quite a bit (and it's a good word to use, but overuse tends to lead to over-reliance, which can then lead to repetition) so perhaps lookk up some synonyms for this that Li’s perceptions of the world outside of China are being challenged through his discovery of American culture. As Li spends more time in America he begins to show doubts about his home country and the Communist ideals. He states, “China [isn’t] so easy. [They] tell you what to do, where to go, what [you] can say”, which uses short phrases of dialogue to emphasise the basic aspects of his freedom that he didn’t have in China. This realisation has a major impact on Li’s worldview and ultimately leads to his defection from China. Thus it can be seen that a person’s examination of their sense of self can be as a result of the discovery of different cultures and worldview. Good, though this paragraph conclusion is a little too similar to the statements you've already made. I noted in the last para. that it's good to have a concluding point that ties together the main focus of that discussion, but you don't want it to feel redundant or repetitious. Different wording can help here, but you may also want to build out to the prompt from a slightly different angle (e.g. why is it that self-reflection or exposure to other cultures lead to a change in one's worldview?)
Aim for greater fluency between paragraphs too; more on this in the end comments. Nature can assist and act as the catalyst for discoveries that impact an individual’s sense of self. The powerful ability of nature as a physical and metaphorical presence allows for many meaningful discoveries. In Away, Gwen is transformed from being obsessed with structure and material possessions to having appreciation for family and the value of life. The act of going away from home on a holiday provides her with the opportunity for self-discovery without the pressure of domestic spaces. This is compounded by Gow’s use of the Shakespearean device of a storm the 'play-within-a-play' thing was dubious, but I definitely wouldn't call the storm a 'Shakesperean' thing to put Gwen in a position of vulnerability with the destruction of her possessions, such as her, “new caravan. With everything in it you could want”. The beach is also used instead of saying 'used' which could come across as a fairly pedestrian word, try and go for a more descriptive way of describing what the author (/playwright) is trying to accomplish here. There's a great thread on improving vocabulary here for reference if you need a place to start :) as a symbolic place of healing as this is where Gwen discovers the importance of family and her relationships after presumably learning of Tom’s illness from Vic. Her transformation is epitomised through her attempt to reconnect with her husband Jim as she says, “Come on, down to the water. The water’s so warm”. The symbol of water as rejuvenating and calming helps the audience to understand Gwen’s focus on reconciliation. Therefore it is clear that the influence of nature can lead to discoveries which have meaningful impacts on individuals. I like that you're prioritising clarity in these sentences because it means I'm left in no doubt about your focus and the relevance of this discussion to the topic. Now all you have to do is vary your sentence structure, as I'm noticing each of your paragrpahs ends in a very similar way - and it's effective, but needs to not be noticeable ;) Again, consult the link above and scroll down from some alternate sentence structures if needed.
A person’s discovery of freedom in their life can promote a stronger perception of themselves. This is even more powerful after being in an repressive situation. In Away, Tom is able to come to terms with his imminent death despite his parents refusal to acknowledge the terminal nature of his illness. This allows Tom to discover the freedom of accepting his destiny. This is epitomised in his final line of the play, “Unburden’d crawl towards death”. The intertextuality of this passage from Shakespeare’s King Lear adds depth and context to Tom’s situation and symbolises the conclusion of his struggle with his mortality. Similarly in Mao’s Last Dancer, Li discovers his identity and true capability through the freedom he finds dancing in America. In Li’s first ballet production in Texas he performs a complicated solo jump which is shown in slow motion as a mid-shot of his chest with arms outstretched and a crescendo in the music. This represents him breaking free of his autocratic Chinese Communist past and embracing his future in America. Therefore it can be seen that an individual’s discovery of freedom in their lives can enhance their sense of self. By the end of this paragraph (i.e. the end of your essay) it'd be good if you were able to zoom out and make a point about the nature of discovery more broadly. You've discussed your sub-argument well, but this should be moving back out to your overall contention here. The easiest way to do that is to keep asking 'so what' until you get to that really abstract level.
i.e. 'discovering freedom enhances one's sense of self'
>> so what?
Well, freedom and self-determination are inextricably linked
>> so what?
Without the freedom to discover oneself, we would be unable to actually define and understand ourselves.
^^and that's the sentiment that goes in the end of our paragraphph.
Note that you can keep conducting this exercise over and over again to see how far it'll take you. The same can be done with other questions like 'why?' and 'how do I know?'
The discoveries an individual makes throughout their life have meaningful impacts on their sense of self and the type of person they become. Discovery as a result of grief, differing cultures, the influence of nature and freedom from repression bit list-y - avoid this provides an individual with opportunity for self-reflection, leading to a better understanding of themselves. Thus it can be concluded that the personal nature of discoveries in an individual’s life provide meaningful impacts on their sense of self. I think your conclusion is letting you down a bit here. The first and last sentences are saying almost exactly the same thing, which is a statement that's already been made numerous times throughout your piece. The clarity and connections are great, but you don't want to go too far overboard and end up having an essay that's too narrow or repetitious. Likewise the sentence that lists off the focus of your body paragraphs doesn't really unite these ideas to say something meaningful about the way they relate to one another; it's just a checklist of things that have already been explored. Try to zoom out a bit more here; the questions listed at the end of the previous para might give some frameing here.
Rediscovery -Rediscovering Hurley’s Artworks in order gain a more appreciative and heightened meaning.Very interesting discussion with some really complex ideas at play here, but you need to be careful not to let good words get in the way of great ideas, so to speak. There were times where your arguments were a little unclear of confusing, and your vocabulary is kind of exacerbating that issue rather than masking it.
Nasht’s cinema verite of Hurley traces the mutability of his artworks to persuade an audience to reassess and appreciate the historical truth of his manipulations word check - the other vocab in this sentence is great, but calling his artworks 'manipulations' sounds a bit odd. 'Oeuvre' is always nice if you don't mind sounding like a pretentious Frenchman :P Nasht configures Hurley in ‘Frank Hurley’ to serve as a consistent reminder to the audience of his transience through the initial montage of Hurley’s imagesin accompany withaccompanied by dramatic noble word check; music can't really be 'noble' music. This attempts to it sounds a bit odd to say this when the focus of the last sentence is the montage and dramatic music. I know it seems like a minor quibble, but music can't 'attempt to' do something; you want to make the author/director your focus here using a phrase like 'This forms part of Nasht's attempts to...' or 'To this end, Nasht seeks to...' immortalize the otherwise ephemeral significance of Hurley’s artworks in order to convey to an audience a sense of Hurley’s “remarkable photography”and to view Hurley in a different perspective.This sentence is getting a bit long; don't overuse the 'and...' structure as it makes it seem like you're writing run-on sentences. In an attempt to prevent the decay of Hurley’s legacy, Nasht attempts to justify Hurley’s otherwise immoral representation of reality in a purist society by employing a series of quadtiptyches quadtiptyches of what, exactly? You need more information about your evidence here. This is cultivated in order to contest the inevitable subjectivity of the historical truth How do you know? In what way does the evidence you just mentioned contribute to this idea? I'm not seeing a connection, and your priority should be to make that link between examples and ideas really clear behind Hurley’s images and presents an arbitrary word check; 'arbitrary' means unimportant or random, as in, 'my school has some arbitrary rules about uniform, like the fact that ties have to be exactly 33.7cm long' :P I'm not sure what you're intending in this case audience the rationale behind Hurley’s manipulations. Furthermore, Nasht’s embellishment of Hurley coincides with the postmodern pluralist disposition of “a world searching for heroes” and furnishes a now accepting society the ability to question historical truth. Nice sentence, but it doesn't really gel with what you're saying here. The previous sentence was about Hurley's intentions, and now you're talking about 'postmodern pluralist disposition' without clarifying what that means or how it's conveyed in his work. Basically, it's not enough to say 'the author does X which is indicative of Y' - you have to explain how you got from one point to the next, and if I were an assessor, I couldn't give you credit for this sentence because you hadn't substantiated your point with such an explanation. This is displayed further through Nasht’s portrayal of the cyclical nature of the auction house in accompany with “The Polar Sale” that ultimately commemorates the appreciation and value of Hurley’s artwork once a societies’ rationale transcends pre-existing paradigms. This is better, there's a bit more 'spelling out' here; try to do this with your evidence more often. Ultimately in ‘Frank Hurley’, Nasht conveys to an audience that through discovering a more justified approach to questioning historical truth was this what your paragraph had been building towards? Your evidence doesn't seem to be supporting this idea; what is the 'historical truth' being questioned and how is Nasht questioning it? can a more appreciative stance on historical truth be gained.
Self-Discovery – Discovering Hurley’s inability to sustain his ‘showman’ facade and thus attempts to perpetuate the creation of himself as a myth
Upon reassessing one’s inability to sustain one’s desired facade, man attempts to perpetuate their own fallacy in an attempt to succour their desired self-image. Hurley’s incapability to support the perpetuation of his legacy is highlighted through Nasht’s depiction of Hurley’s life as a personified “story” embellishing “many stories” but his “own” I haven't seen the film but I'm assuming you either mean a) that the story embellishes other stories, but does not embellish his own, or b) that the story embellishes other stories, but is still, nevertheless, his own story (-this second one seems more likely, but I'm not sure). This suggests that Hurley tried consistently to portray himself as his own myth, however, could not sustain his depiction and ultimately resorted to associating word check; 'obfuscating' might work here, depending on what you're trying to say himself with other stories. However, in “Frank Hurley”, Nasht engages in demonstrating to an audience this is a fairly clunky phrase, and it feels like you're taking six words to say what could easily be summarised in one, good, punchy verb like 'celebrates' 'critiques' 'vilifies' 'extols' etc. Hurley’s self-discovery that ultimately provokes him to undergo inherent transformation that eventually leads to the creation of a myth that perpetuates Hurley’s decide self-image this sentence is getting a bit run-on-ish as well; as soon as you're using the same structure or conjunction multiple times in a row (eg. 'and... and...' or 'that... that...') it becomes a little laboured, so watch out for that. <Linking word here would be good>Nasht’s attempts to symbolise Hurley’s desired legacyisshould be 'are' because we're talking about plural 'attempts' demonstrated through constant mythological symbolisms to “the hero’s journey”. expression is a bit clunky, perhaps 'the mythological symbolism of "the hero's journey".' Nasht engages in this narration what narration? Evidence? in order to portray Hurley’s inherent desire to perpetuate himself to a purist audience of his own mythological fallacy. His inability to perpetuate repetition his desired facade renders him “exhausted by the struggle”, however, Hurley’s ambition towards self-fulfilment is highlighted through Nasht’s placement of the final voiceover of Hurley’s diaries stating, “If I could live my life again, I’d do it all exactly the same”. This final voiceover in conjunction with images of Hurley with a camera is ultimately placed by Nasht in order to immortalize Hurley’s fallacy as a “grand illusionist”. Ultimately, Nasht demonstrates Hurley’s ability to reassess him who? and undergo a process that effectively allows Hurley to sustain and perpetuate his desired self-image. Good use of evidence, and nice para conclusion here :)
Stories of our past help us discover who we are in the present.Awesome structure, and some decent analysis to back it up, but I'm a little concerned about the relevance of this to the prompt. More specifically, I can see the relevance, but if I'm the assessor, I shouldn't be the one having to think 'how does this relate to the idea of past stories resulting in discoveries about present identities?' -- YOU'VE got to make those connections really explicit, and the less thinking your assessors have to do, the better.
To what extent does this confirm your understanding that discoveries can be reassessed over time?
Discoveries can be a process of reassessment, which are catalyzed due to change of circumstance and reflectionofon one's (apostrophe for possession) past mistakes. As a result of these confronting and provocative discoveries, enlightenment is reached in the reformation of our morals, encouraging humanist values such as forgiveness and love. V. good opening. William Shakespeare’s pastoral comedy, “The Tempest” written in 1610, and the film, “The count of Monte Cristo,” directed by Kevin Reynolds, both exemplify the corrupt desire for vengeance that allows for a renewed perception of world view once it is realized to be deceitful. I get the underlying idea here, but the sentence structure is a tad muddled; I'll dissect this in the end comments. This realization comes through reflection of the past in order to progress in future endeavors. Final sentence feels a little short and stilted, and it seems like there are some other facets to your argument that could be fleshed out here to add to this, but an otherwise good intro :)
The Tempest follows the reformation of an individual's (apostrophe) absolute control and power, which are transformed into benevolent traits such as internal judgment and empathetic characteristics that would thrive within utopian governance. This is achieved by self acceptance of past faults providing a renewed perception of compassion and forgiveness; notions that are the fundamentals of humanism. When remarking to Miranda the “foul play”, that they were “heaved thence,” Prospero highlights the corrupt society in which he ruled, where he himself “neglect[ed] worldly ends, all dedicated to the closeness and the bettering of [his] mind,” but also the world in which he was betrayed by “ a brother […] so perfidious.” Quote integration is perfect, but be careful not to bombard your reader with too much evidence at once. In the next sentence you state that Shakespeare utilises this but it took me a second read-through to work out what 'this' was because of just how much you'd mentioned here. It might be better to scatter your evidence across a few sentences so you can analyse things independently, then combine them for the big 'Therefore Shakespeare implies...' moment at the end. Shakespeare utilizes this as a microcosm for the power lust that humanity exemplifies in positions of authority; knowledge prized over our collective morality and familiar bonds. The 1600’s imperialistic context of control and influence over the majority, no comma needed here is prevalent within Prospero’s need to manipulate native Caliban and Ariel’s servitude for personalized advantage. V. good. This is showcased using the disruption of natural order, the tempest itself, symbolizing the brazen attitude that Prospero subjects’ no apostrophe needed here others to; shouldn't be a semicolon here either. A comma would suffice, though even that's optional as a result of his ultimate thirst for revenge that dominates all cognitive deliberation. <Linking word? (eg. 'Therefore...' 'Consequently...')>Audiences grapple with Prospero’s shortcomings to understand that life manipulates the circumstances that we oversee, however it is how we confront these circumstances that determines our future success. Good point, and I absolutely love that you're taking this a step further with your 'however...' statement. However (:P) you need to ensure that your final statement is still supported by the content of your paragraph. Here, you've justified the notion of life manipulating circumstances, but you haven't really tacked the idea of confronting said circumstances. Just be careful with these assertions, as some teachers will still give you credit for this whereas others will see it as moving too far beyond the scope of your previous discussion.
Individuals in powerful positions often have to experience unprompted failure in order to reassess corrupt core values and furthermore access personalized freedom and amend flawed leadership qualities. It is through Prospero’s relationship with spirit Ariel, that access to worldly insight is obtained; shouldn't be a semicolon here - see end comments re: punctuation from self absorption into acceptance of the altruistic experiences in life, taking from this a renewed optimism for the future. Prospero’s individual values of hatred hatred of what, exactly? There's an opportunity for more description here, or perhaps even evidence are challenged by Ariel’s perspective of tenderness and wisdom in the face of choice, “that if you now beheld them, your affections would become tender.” This is then furthered by the acknowledgment of the humanistic characteristics that Prospero should adhere toby reasonbecause of his biological makeup, “mine would sir, if I were human.” this quote isn't integrated as well as all your others. From this, audiences are reminded of the humanity we are answerable word check. This doesn't really fit here to exhibit in order to thrive as a society, however Prospero also learns that his corruption is what erodes humanism's core belief; if we cannot have faith in the people, a strong fundament(???) of politics cannot be developed. We also see this realised in alliteration, “rarer act is in virtue than in vengeance”, symbolising the discovery of human connection and that kindness prevails over the corrupt quest of power. Yes, but how does that alliterative language symbolise that notion of discovery? Remember to spell out your evidence. Also, the ends of your paragraphs should be for zooming out, which you have done in the second half of this sentence, but bringing up new evidence here is a little risky, so try and cover that earlier to grant yourself time enough to talk about big ideas here.
Prospero’s epiphany similarly coincides with Edmond Dante’s experience whereby his integral belief in vengeance is challenged by Abbe Farria (priest) put this information into your sentence grammatically; don't just stick it in brackets and the revelation of a biological son, leading to a rewarding sense of love and peace from one’s if you're talking about specific characters, then you don't have to use the generalisable 'one'. That's just for the broader statements about discovery as a whole inner demons. Chief prosecutor Ville fort; no semicolon one who originally deceives Edmond into expression - you can't 'deceive someone into something' imprisonment, foreshadows the enlightenment that Edmond is to experience at the end of the film, “perhaps some good will come out of this treasonous affair” this isn't integrated. Audiences rather than making 'Audiences' the focus of your sentence, use 'The author + verbs' (see examples here if needed) understand this enlightenment to be that he discovers the intrinsic value of knowledge to be a tool, see end comments providing the wisdom to forgive even in the face of ultimate choice. The unpredictable discovery of his biological son, through exclamatory language accompanied by directed close up, “Albert, you are the son of Edmond Dantes. The man you know as the Count of Monte Cristo,” allows Edmond to reassess the importance of a personal vendetta when presented with opportunity to rebuild love ; a founding characteristic that is vital in order to further one’s humanism.
Okay, this para conclusion is quite close to the prompt, but the linking could be clearer. See below for fuller explanation of this.
'Discoveries can be transformative and/or far-reaching for an individual'I think there are some inconsistencies with your approach in this piece, because there were sections where your analysis was highly accurate and impressive, but others where you seemed to veer off course and talk about the manipulation of authors, particularly in your paragraphs dealing with 'Go Back.' Perhaps it was just a one-time issue that came about because of the breadth of the prompt, but you need to ensure your sub-arguments are always on track.
The emotional, intellectual and physical discoveries can act as the foundations for an individual what do you mean by this? Foundations for what? Their identity? Their lives? Their sense of self? I know the prompt is quite broad, but your answer should be specific! and can have a transformative effect on their awareness of human experiences and the wider world. The discoveries can be carefully planned, so much that the composer word check - 'composer' is usually used to refer to authors of musical pieces, and even then only really for classical pieces (e.g. Mozart) can place an individual in unauthentic ??? situations, even without their knowledge. In the 2011 documentary series ‘Go Back To Where You Came From’, the participants are taken on the migrant journey in reverse and the experiences of Adam Hartup and Darren Hassan show many emotional ramifications that are impacted by their awareness of the influence of the media on this political issue. The producers have seemingly composed many of the experiences to exaggerate the extent of their discoveries, this feels a bit like you're evaluating the show, saying that they exaggerated things or made them up in order to get their point across, and this isn't really your job in this piece. Try to reserve judgement and just comment on the meaning being created making the responders question the far-reaching impact of the emotional responses of the participants. Similarly, in the 1963 poem ‘Mid-Term Break’ by Seamus Heaney explores the transformative careful with sentence structure - read this again and you'll likely see the issue ('in the poem by the author explores...') discoveries of his own childhood, having lost an infant in a traumatic accident. He focuses on how this impacted the people around the protagonist, as well as the reader.He uses carefully planned literary techniques in order to provoke an emotional response from the reader.Of course he does! That's what poets do. Sentences like these, accurate though they may be, are often not given much credence because they're too generic. It'd be like saying 'The author of this novel has explored a vast array of complex and multifaceted ideas through the use of complex literary devices and structural features.' Sounds nice, but I've said nothing in that sentence other than 'there are things in this novel that are explored in a novel-y way' :P Both texts explore how discoveries can be influenced by the composer by making the audience As much as I like that you're focusing on both the characters and the audience, you seem to be dodging the prompt a little bit. Your task is not to comment on how the texts might manipulate the audience to help them discover things, but instead to examine how the authors/creators present the idea of discoveries being transformative for those in the texts (i.e. the people on 'Go Back' and the speakers/personas in the poetry.) and protagonist aware or unaware of these influences. This seems like an odd, slightly fence-sitting statement - the author either makes them aware or unaware - is there not something more definitive you could say other than 'it's either one or the other?'
The foundations of transformative discoveries can be affected by the authorial presence and careful planning of a reality TV series, and ultimately the participants are unaware of this presence You're zooming into the text too quickly here. Try and make a broader statement about discovery and your sub-argument first, and then bring up the idea of authority, reality tv, and the show itself. It's like if you said 'The nature of complicated discoveries is often caused by Adam when he says "..." ' - you can't go from a zoomed-out comment on something abstract all the way into the text too soon, or it's jarring for your reader. During Episode 2 of ‘Go Back To Where You Came From’, the participants take part in a police raid on a construction site. On the ride to the site, Adam comments, “if it’s the Chins haven't seen this particular episode, but what does this mean? Why is this quote significant? I’ll lose my shit… I won’t be able to handle it.” The non-diegetic musicbuilds into a suspenseful toneadds to the suspense and the camera shows Adam in a close-up shot. This shows Adam’s unawareness of how his reaction to this confronting event can be manipulated by the producers. How does it show this?? The emphatic language what language? Are you talking about the quote from three sentences ago? What language in particular was emphatic? And what was it emphasising? shows the growing attachment and understanding Adam has developed through the emotional discoveries. Throughout the raid, Adam doesn’t say much, but his body language expresses his confusion and confrontation Firstly, how does his body language show this? What does 'expressing confusion' look like in this context? BE SPECIFIC! Secondly, if you reverse the order of these two words, you'll see that confrontation doesn't really belolng here: 'his body language expresses his confrontation and confusion' - see how 'his confrontation' sounds a little odd?, unaware of how to act in retaliation to the site of arrested refugees. As new discoveries are made, it becomes clear to the participants and audience how an authorial presence can shape material into their preferred ideal. So are you arguing that Adam wasn't actually discovering anything and that the show's creators were just 'shaping the material?' I'm a bit confused as to what you're trying to argue here - you start by saying 'As discoveries are made...' but what discovery are you talking about? That should be your focus here, not the notion of 'authorial presence.'
For the reader, transformative discoveries and their foundations are affected by the author of a text through their careful use of literary techniques,withwhich allows the reader to emotionally respond to the text you're still zooming in a bit too quickly here. Focus on discovery and the prompt for at least a sentence before you do this. In the poem, ‘Mid-Term Break’, many techniques are used to convey the story of the death of an infant, although the reader doesn’t discover this until the end of the journey. The title itself “Mid-Term Break”” leads the responder to think the poem is about a happy event of the end of the school year, making them unaware of the poignant and traumatic story that lay ahead. It is the end of the first stanza that the reader suspects that something unusual is about to occur, though still oblivious to the traumatic event. “At two o’clock our neighbours drove me home.” This unusual event of the neighbours taking the protagonist home allows the reader to prepare themselves for the death of the four-year-old boy this is a bit of a leap :/ The step-by-step logic of your discussion is excellent, but this one is quite a stretch - the neighbours drive a kid home, which prepares readers for the death of a 4 year old?, building the morbid mood. They are still unaware of the emotional consequences of the death. You're resting this whole paragraph on one point, which is quite risky. What about all those 'many techniques' you talked about earlier? You could use a bit more evidence in this paragraph. Far-reaching discoveries can be impacted by the author’s manipulation of words examples? to lead to greater the impact of the responder’s emotional and what emotions would these be, exactly? What kind of response is being evoked? And most importantly, how is this transformative and/or far-reaching? response.
As new understandings and perceptions develop from discoveries, it becomes clear how constructed the media is in order to portray a particular side of a story. The producers of ‘Go Back To Where You Came From’ have aimed to emphasise their pro-humanitarian motivation to provoke an empathetic response by the audience again, I feel like you should be focusing on the nature of the people in the show's discoveries about the world and the suffering of refugees, rather than subtly criticising the show and saying that they're manipulating the facts for their own agenda or anything like that. At the end of Episode 1, the participants are placed on refugee boat, and are forced to travel into the open sea without knowledge of their destination. After experiencing this unauthentic how is it 'unauthentic?' Surely this is one of the most realistic moments since when refugees seek asylum, the process of travelling is often risky and uncertain, especially if they're paying some dodgy people smuggler - they have no way of knowing for sure where they'll end up either situation, the live camera captures Darren, the most opposed to boat people, express his concerns that the media is “…emotionally involving us without our consent.” The collective terms used in his language shows that he is talking not only about himself, but the Australian public. Darren’s body language and tone describe these in more detail - what is it about these things that betray his agitation also shows his agitation by the experience, and shows his awareness of how the program has constructed these ‘transformative’ experiences in order to provoke an emotional response by the participants. He also explains that the media wants “you should feel bad, you should feel empathy.” Darren is placed in a mid-shot, and uses high modality language why is this important? How does it highlight antything? to highlight his feeling of manipulation by the media. The awareness of constructed discoveries that an individual may undertake can therefore influence their shift in perceptions, or even affirm their previous understandings. Good, but you need to focus more on Darren. What happens to him throughout the show, for instance? Does he change his mind, or is he completely cynical about the emotional manipulation that he thinks is taking place? Do his perceptions shift at all?
The new understandings and renewed perceptions that derive from the foundations of discoveries are impacted by the author’s choice of form and stylistic elements of their writing. In the poem ‘Mid-Term Break’, Heaney explores the parents' apostrophe after the s if it's plural and possessive reactions to the death of the infant, before the protagonist’s is discovered. In stanza 2, the father’s reaction is distinguished word check. “… I met my father crying…always taken funerals in his stride…” This quote isn't integrated at all; try and fit this into one of your sentences. In the 1950’s, the thought of a man crying was against the society’s stereotypical man, and the use of this emphasises the lasting impact of the death of a loved one, especially an infant. The mother’s reaction to this terrible news is expressed in stanza 5. “…coughed out angry tearless sighs.” see above The silence of “tearless sighs” accentuates the idea of the reverence of death. At this stage, it is still unclear to the audience of who is dead, though the characters portrayed have already discovered this.<-- I'm not seeing the link between that previous statement and this one --> The awareness of the characters show how discoveries build to the transformative foundations of the audience and their new understandings. What discovery? What transformation? What foundations? What new understanding?
In conclusion, both the SBS documentary series ‘Go Back To Where You Came From’ and the poem ‘Mid-Term Break’ explore how the audience and participants are aware or unaware of how the composer influences the discoveries they make. This conclusion is a bit of a weak spot as you're just restating a line from your introduction without much development. You could do a lot more here in terms of linking this to the prompt and saying something about the nature of discovery overall, which should ultimately be your focus here.
Comments below; let me know if you guys have any questions! :)You are literally unbelievable.Feedback for ssarahjReally good stuff here! You seem to have the underlying structure well under control, and the clarity of your expressions was pretty much flawless.
There's some improvement to be made with regards to 'spelling out' your evidence and ensuring the assessors can get from A (your quotes and textual examples) to B (your overall ideas).
Taking this excerpt from your first paragraph:
"She describes her pain as being, “everywhere, isn’t it? In the air we breathe”, in which Gow uses a rhetorical question and a metaphor to demonstrate the all-consuming and hopeless nature of her grief."
and breaking this down into its essential bits, we have:
- the quote: "[pain is] everywhere, isn't it? In the air we breathe"
- the devices: (rhetorical question & metaphor)
- the meaning: Coral's grief is all-consuming and hopeless
but how are these pieced together? You state that there is a connection (and there totally is!) but if you were to make this explicit, your assertion would be a lot stronger. So, in this case, how do you know her grief is all-consuming and hopeless? How does that quote demonstrate your point?Also, and I believe I may have mentioned this in a previous bit of essay feedback but just in case: you want your paragraphs to build on one another. If I were to change the order around and read your 3rd para first and your second one last or w/e, it should seem weird! You don't want your essay to be an assortment of random mini-discussions that go off on their different tangents without linking together; instead, you want it to be like a pyramid with each brick aiding you in reaching that high point of your thesis statement in response to the prompt. You still have to have separate paragraphs, of course, but you should see them as a series of stepping stones to get you to an overall point, rather than being like... I don't know... flower petals that just stem out from the centre but don't combine help you get anywhere with your arguments.See this for a possible answerIf we're to focus on the metaphor part of the quote, we've got to try and get from "[pain is] in the air we breathe" to the notion of hopelessness and consumption, so what is it about this language that might lead us to this idea? When, the concept of something being "in the air we breathe" implies that it is not only all around us (=all-consuming, or at least ubiquitous) but that it also infiltrates us and becomes a part of the air. Thus, to breathe (and to live) is to experience pain, because it is so ubiquitous an unavoidable. Now we can reasonably conclude that there is an element of saddness and hopelessness in that quote because of this rationale, so your analysis might look something like:
She describes her pain as being "everywhere, isn't it? In the air we breathe" whereby Gow's metaphorical description of pain being such an omnipresent and inescapable force serves to demonstrate the all-consuming and hopeless nature of Coral's grief.
It may seem like a small change, but that one tiny step of 'showing your workings' can be very advantageous in showcasing your knowledge of the text and ability to extract ideas from it.
Beyond that, some greater variation in sentence structure and vocabulary would also help you bolster your piece, especially when it comes to the conclusion. You always want to end with impact, as this is where the mark is decided, so to restate your points and only use sentences that have basically already been used earlier is to tell the assessor you don't have anything better to say, meaning that if they're hovering between a 7/10 and an 8/10, a mediocre conclusion might be what tips the balance to a 7 rather than an 8.
Also, and this might be a matter of some contention depending on your teacher, but I'd say it'd be great to have a paragraph (or multiple paragraphs, ideally) that talk about both of your texts instead of switching between them both. If you are to forge connections between the two, you should really talk about them together. See some of the previous corrections for advice on potential essay structures.
But you're already in the enviable position of basically having all the content right, and just needing to fine tune your presentation of it. So, the stuff you should aim to work on:
1) Have your ideas and sub-arguments build on one another. This is often best practised through essay plans as opposed to full essays, so maybe draw up some rough outlines and give yourself some idea of how things will link together to help develop your thesis statement.
2) Ensure that you're connecting your examples to your ideas as directly as you can, with the emphasis on explaining how certain evidence demonstrates your point.
3) Vary your sentence structures, and try to avoid taking your body paragraph topic sentences and just listing or rewording them in the intro, B.P. concluding sentences, and conclusion.
Very good effort overall :)Feedback for MemeKingVery interesting discussion with some really complex ideas at play here, but you need to be careful not to let good words get in the way of great ideas, so to speak. There were times where your arguments were a little unclear of confusing, and your vocabulary is kind of exacerbating that issue rather than masking it.
In English, vocab is like an amplifier. If you're doing things well (like by spelling out your evidence and building up relevant ideas) then your vocabulary will usually magnify that good stuff and make it even better. But if there are problems with your understanding with the text (which doesn't seem to be an issue for you) or with the clarity of your ideas (- more pertinent, in this case -) then repetitious sentence structures or out-of-place words can draw attention to those concerns.
As such, I'd recommend prioritising clarity, even if it's at the expense of sophistication. It doesn't seem like you'll have any problem transforming your ideas into complex, well-worded sentences once you've sorted them out, but it's that sorting out that needs to happen first! Otherwise, it's like you're adding icing and cake decorations to a cake that hasn't been baked yet :P
I'm also a little bit confused as to the structure of your 'essay.' Maybe it's because I'm just a humble VCE-er and I don't know how your school operates, but unless this was a kind of short answer response, it seems very odd that you wouldn't be required to have a formal introduction and conclusion with three to five body paragraphs, as I know that's what the end-of-year standard tends to be. Perhaps this was a different exercise, but if you were asked to write an essay and you instead wrote two somewhat disconnected paragraphs that conveyed your ideas, that might've contributed to you're not doing too well in the last assessment.
Having said that, the structure of those paragraphs was really good; you've got the abstract unpacking of your ideas at the start, and the zoomed out summative sentences at the end, which gives things a nice, compact, and most importantly precise focus. The only thing that needs work in that regard is your linking between evidence and ideas. I've written about this quite a bit in previous essay comments, so perhaps go back and read those if you need further clarification, but in short, you need to explain how the evidence you're using supports your points. Sometimes you can get away with not doing this (i.e. not every sentence of your body paragraph has to be an incredibly detailed, lengthy discussion of why X demonstrates Y,) but it is a surefire way to impress the assessor and boost you into higher territory.
I'd also say you'd need more evidence in order to make your ideas that much stronger. Your use of quotes and metalanguage were solid, but you just need to do it more often. Both paragraphs here had one moment towards the end of really excellent analysis, and you want to be replicating that kind of quality three or four times per paragraph.
Things to work on:
1) Ensure you can explore the connections between evidence and argument as clearly as possible, and that your expression doesn't get in the way of this.
2) Keep experimenting with vocab and using new words, as this is the only way to truly acquire a better vocabulary, but look up definitions and synonyms if you're unsure, as you have the opportunity to use such resources now even though you won't in assessment tasks. I know I've isolated a couple of word checks, but honestly, I'd rather you made a hundred mistakes now and learned from each of them than made none at all and never developed your arsenal, so keep that up because your vocabulary is clearly well-developed and will be a huge strength this year if you can iron out the little things.
3) Make sure you have a substantial basis of evidence for making your claims. This goes both for the small level sentence-by-sentence assertions in that if you don't back up 90% of what you say, it's very hard to attain marks, but also on the broader paragraph-by-paragraph level in that you need breadth as well as depth. Some students like to aim for an arbitrary number of quotes per paragraph (which can work well, but also might get in the way of good analysis, so its up to you) but 'd recommend at least forcing yourself to impose a window of, say, between 8-14 quotes that you have to use, even if some are only quick, one word ones. It'll depend on the length of your paragraphs, but it will give you a clear goal to work towards, as well as some idea of whether you're over/underestimating the amount of proof you have.
Hope that helps; all the best with it!Feedback for lauren7366Awesome structure, and some decent analysis to back it up, but I'm a little concerned about the relevance of this to the prompt. More specifically, I can see the relevance, but if I'm the assessor, I shouldn't be the one having to think 'how does this relate to the idea of past stories resulting in discoveries about present identities?' -- YOU'VE got to make those connections really explicit, and the less thinking your assessors have to do, the better.
Across your whole body paragraphs, you don't use the words 'past' or 'present' more than once, and they really need to be the central pivots of your discussion in this case.That's not to say you have to overuse the words to the point of repetition, but they should be employed fairly regularly to ensure that the assessors know what links you're trying to make.
Aside from that, the bulk of your discussion was pretty good. You could use a little bit more fluidity between your ideas in order to connect them, but the way you build your argument is on point - you just need to direct it in the right way by ensuring the links to the prompt are really overt.
There were also a few sentence structure issues like with:
"[The two texts] both exemplify the corrupt desire for vengeance that allows for a renewed perception of world view once it is realized to be deceitful."
or
"Audiences understand this enlightenment to be that he discovers the intrinsic value of knowledge to be a tool."
These problems seem to arise when you're using the passive construction, which is where instead of saying 'He discovers X to be Y' you say something like 'X is discovered by him to be Y.' It's perfectly valid, but can, in some contexts, sound a little clunky, especially if overused. I won't go into dissecting these sentences in too much detail, but suffice it to say that you're using passive constructions as well other complex grammatical features that are adding too many layers to your sentence to the point where it's obfuscating clarity. Take the second example - I could easily transform this into: 'Thus the author suggests that his understanding of knowledge to be an intrinsically valuable tool is an important enlightenment...' and it's much more direct.
So from here on in:
1) Keep up the great work with spelling out your evidence, but try and distribute this evidence roughly evenly across your body paragraphs, ensuring that you integrate the quotes when you do. Think of it like jam on toast. Technically, if you just lump a spoonful of jam on the corner of the bread, you've gotten the right amount of jam, but if you don't spread and dispense it properly, you're in for an unsatisfying breakfast experience.
2) RELEVANCE RELEVANCE RELEVANCE! I can see that you know how your ideas connect to the prompt, but I can't give you credit for what I'm straining to see, so bring those links to the surface and reinforce them in your topic sentences and paragraph conclusions.
3) Work on finding some complex connections between your two texts; I know you noted that you hadn't discussed your related text in too much detail just yet, but it really is essential later down the track. For now, don't worry about doing this in an essay format and just work with the ideas themselves. Maybe collate a bunch of points for each, assign them all numbers or colours, and just create a visual display of how they might relate together. There'll likely be some points that don't have direct parallels or contrasts in the other text, but that's fine too. Not every point will have to be compared, though you will need a substantial amount, and it'll help you feel much more prepared for future assessment.
4) Watch out for your sentence structures, and stop yourself occasionally to ask 'is there a better, simpler way I could put this?' If in doubt, simplify, and just prioritise getting your point across clearly and unambiguously.
5) Careful with punctuation! It's a tiny thing, and some of these might just have been typos, but it irks assessors, and it's usually a very easy fix. In my experience, students can go from not knowing what a semicolon even looks like, to using them confidently in under an hour. Just look up some explanations and sample sentences online, and you should be fine with it :)Feedback for foodmood16I think there are some inconsistencies with your approach in this piece, because there were sections where your analysis was highly accurate and impressive, but others where you seemed to veer off course and talk about the manipulation of authors, particularly in your paragraphs dealing with 'Go Back.' Perhaps it was just a one-time issue that came about because of the breadth of the prompt, but you need to ensure your sub-arguments are always on track.
If you're talking about discoveries being transformative and far-reaching, then that's the concept you should be exploring in the text. Don't think about how the author might be 'faking' these ideas, or whether the audience are the ones making the discoveries - you have to analyse what the author does and explain how textual evidence supports those points.
In other words 'what does this show tell us about discovery?' Or, more applicably for this essay 'How does 'Go Back' + Heaney's poem show us that discovery can be transformative and far-reaching?' THAT'S the question that needs answering here.
Which leads me on to my next point - you don't really ever explain what 'transformative' means, and you hardly touch on the whole 'far-reaching' thing at all. Those key words in the prompt should be the crux of your piece, and you need to prioritise these.
Your essay structure was pretty good, though the starts and ends of your paragraphs could use a bit of tightening up. Your topic sentences were a little bit too specific to the texts, and I think you'd benefit from a more abstract point to start off with before then linking this idea to whichever text you wanted to look at. Also, (and again, there's more advice on this in previous feedback posts) there isn't much of a link between your two texts because you're only ever looking at them in isolation. Thus, instead of going for one alternative paragraphs on each, you could instead try:
Paragraph 1: 75% focus on 'Go Back' + 25% on a related idea in Heaney.
Paragraph 2: 50% on 'Go Back' + 50% on a related idea in Heaney
Paragraph 3: 75% on Heaney + 25% on a related idea in 'Go Back'
or something like that. Basically, find a concept like 'discovering new things can transform us for the better,' and link that to one of the texts. For instance, some of the participants in 'Go Back' gained a more enlightened and more informed view of the refugee experience, resulting in a more empathetic stance on related political issues. Then, we can connect this to the second text by either finding a point of similarity or difference. If I wanted to find a point of difference here, then I might say that in Heaney's poem, the parents discover something that will inevitably change their lives, and have overtly negative ramifications on their relationship and their mental state. Thus (getting to the end of the paragraph now) we can conclude that although certain discoveries can be very advantageous for one's psyche, they can also involve a great deal of suffering.
Then you move on to the next idea, finding points of similarity and difference as you go.
In short:
1) Know what the task is asking of you, and keep that in mind while writing. If it helps, write out a series of questions that you need to answer per paragraph so that if you ever do lose focus or forget where you're going, you've got that framework there as a reference point.
2) Forge links between your set texts so that you're able to use both of them in order to say something about discovery. It's kind of like your goal is to paint something purple, and you have a tine of blue paint and a tin of red paint. At the moment, you've painted half the thing blue and half the thing red... so your approach is theoretically good and you're using the right materials, but ultimately it's not going to result in the purple that we're after. Only by combining your ideas through comparison and contrast can you get that desired effect.
3) Make sure the first and last line of your body paragraphs are just about discovery, not about the texts. This isn't a hard-and-fast rule, and if you read some of the other essays in this thread, you'll likely notice they can disobey this but still do things well. For now though, if you can impose that restriction on yourself, you'll be able to better adjust to the zooming in and out process that's necessary for success.
4) Give yourself enough ammunition throughout your essay so that by the time you get to your conclusion, you're confident enough to shoot your target. If you haven't build up a good range of sub-arguments, it can be very difficult to do all that work in the final few sentences, so each time you conclude a paragraph, take things back to the prompt and question how what you've been discussing pertains to the prompt's focus. Then, answer that question directly and unambiguously so that the assessors will have no choice but to give you marks for relevance.
5) Sentence structure and vocab are mostly good, though there are a few instances where your word choices let you down a bit. As I've said before though, the more risks you take now means the more opportunities you have to correct your mistakes, so keep experimenting with expression in order to further enhance your writing.
Best of luck!
Discovering the duplicity of truth in art allows for the appreciation of previously lost value and ultimately rekindles this seems like a bit of an odd word choice since if you're saying it is rekindled, then you're kind of implying that it's something that has been lost (e.g. 'to rekindle the passion in a 20 year marriage' or something) but I'm not sure you'd want to argue that our ability to appreciate art is something that has been lost the ability to appreciate art through time. Simon Nasht in Frank Hurley examines that Expression. You can 'examine a thing,' but you can't 'examine that a thing is blue.' instead, you could use 'argues' or 'affirms' which can both take 'that' after them in this context the mutability of art can only appreciated once we discover and accept its dualistic nature. Similarly, Nasht atones word check - 'atone' means 'make amends' or 'seek redemption' (e.g. I want to atone for the sins I committed in my teenage years) to conveying the human condition that provokes the need to preserve oneself through the catalyst this makes grammatical sense, but the meaning doesn't really fit. A catalyst is a spark or a starting point that brings about later results; here you just seem to be talking about the medium of art, rather than its catalytic properties of art.
The questioning of truth leads to an appreciation of value once we discover and accept its dualistic nature starting to repeat this phrase a bit now; it's very similar to some of the lines in your intro. Nasht attempts to convince a now pluralist society that only by accepting the duplicity be careful with this word; duplicity doesn't really mean 'double-ness;' it implies deception and trickery. At times, this fits, but I'm not sure it's accurate in sentences like this of Hurley’s artworks can these “elaborate concoctions” be valued more than “outright fakes”. Nasht initially portrays Hurley as a “conjurer” with a camera need a comma here and through cinema verite establishes how Hurley “undermined their what are 'they?' historical value”. Nasht does this tocritic'critique' is the verb, 'critic' is a noun for a person who criticises the epoch word check - epoch only refers to a time period; you can't really say 'the epoch of someone's work.' of Hurley’s work through their inability to see value in the duplicity of his “manipulations”. However, Nasht demonstrates the mutability of Hurley’s work through the juxtaposition between Hurley’s photos and their modern recreations once he turned “the battlefield into a canvas of his own making”. Hurley’s artworks are split-screened by Nasht in order to contrast their similarities in the hopes that their ephemeral existence may be immortalised. The commemoration of Hurley’s artworks in a now pluralist be more specific here - what aspects of pluralism are important; you've used this word without properly clarifying what you're talking about society is now seen through the close-up commentary shot that “today composites would seem commonplace”. Furthermore, Nasht’s embellishment of Hurley now coincides with the postmodern pluralist disposition of “a world searching for heroes” and furnishes a now accepting society the ability to question historical truth. Ultimately, Nasht demonstrates that only through the questioning truth and accepting its dualistic nature can a more heightened discovery be formed. Good, but be careful not to throw around words like 'pluralist' or 'dualistic' at the expense of discussion. There's some great vocab here, but I feel like you could amp up the close analysis a bit more.
The transcendence of art attempts to immortalize the otherwise ephemeral existence of one's legacy upon discovering their limitations.In ‘Frank Hurley’restating the text's name is usually unnecessary after the introduction, Hurley discovers he cannot perpetuate himself as a myth as he then attempts to immortalize synonyms? Just because you used this in the previous sentence, and it seems like the kind of concept that you're going to have to talk about a lot, so having a few alternatives would be useful himself through his work. Hurley “saw a market for exciting adventure films”, and through leaving himself as being a “mere observer,” he attempts to promote himself as a “fearless photographer”. Nasht’s diegetic sound of Hurley holding spears and skulls attempt to portray Hurley’s “glorious” existence that he attempts to preserve through his photographs. V good - more of this kind of discussion! Nasht furthermore highlights his ambition as although “New York was unimpressed”, the “showman hit upon a new angle”. Hurley then juxtaposes his earlier work in Papua New Guinea with “the lost tribes of Israel” that “flamed up front page headlines” that ultimately brought attention to Hurley,albeit controversial.this isn't really grammatical - are you trying to say Hurley was controversial, or that the attention was? Hurley used this fame and his discovery for “his love for drama” to create films that were intended to immortalize his work. Although Hurley “made up quite a few stories”, Nasht ultimately edits the shot of the auction house in what way? Describe this visual as though the person reading your piece can't see it - what is important about the editing of this shot? in order to commemorate Hurley’s transcendence past a “mere photographer”. Ultimately, Nasht portrays what does he do with this portrayal? Do you think Nasht is celebrating Hurley, or vilifying him? 'Portray' is a perfectly accurate word, but it's kind of like saying 'The author says...' or 'The director shows...' in that it's a missed opportunity for a more descriptive word Hurley’s attempts towardspreserving his legacy through the continual pursuit of his artworks.
“Discoveries are often evoked by curiosity and wonder, offering up new understanding of ourselves and the world we live in.” Discuss this statement in relation to your prescribed and one other text of your choice.Very interesting text selection - it'd be interesting to see how you tied these together in later paragraphs. The logical process of explaining ideas that you've demonstrated here is excellent, and you're doing the right stuff at the right moments in terms of when to bring up evidence and when to zoom out and talk about discovery in general.
Regardless of their motivation, discoveries shape and redefine an individual’s identity, successively do yoy mean 'successfully?' 'Successfully' means 'in a way that is successful/effective,' whereas 'successively' means 'one after another, in order' - like 'I've lost six successive staring contests with my cat' shifting their previous perspectives of the world and it’s controversial issues. Ivan O’mahoneys’s 'Go Back To Where You Came From,' Suzzane Buffam’s 'The New Experience' and J.K Rowling’s 'The Fringe Benefits of Failure, and the Importance of Imagination' awesome choices!! just be careful with your punctuation for the titles; try to put them all in single quotation marks like this^ to be consistentexemplifiesshould be 'exemplify' because you've got a plural list of things here (i.e. Thing A exemplifies this idea, but Things A, B, and C exemplify it.) the process of attaining awareness of what was once misunderstood or concealed. Through utilising techniques unique to their textual medium, the three texts explore various concepts of discovery,facilitating the close analysis of the results of discoveries evoked from varying catalysts.I have no idea what this means :P Are you trying to say that closely analysing the texts is like a catalyst for discovering things?? I'm not sure if it's the sentence structure or a word choice issue but this bit is a tad confusing. Other than that, v good intro.
'Go Back To Where You Came From' illustrates the transformation of individuals resulting from tangible experiences instigated through extraneous motives. it feels like your choice of vocabulary is distracting from your message, rather than enhancing it and making it clearer. All this sentence is really saying is that the people in 'Go Back' discover things as a result of their experiences. Also, 'tangible' might not be the right word here - that tends to apply more to objects or evidence (e.g. 'I have tangible proof that my wife has been cheating on me.') In the introduction, the utilisation of cross-cutting between archival footage of a refugee boat crashing into the shore and the interview of politicians stating “we must stop the boats,” engender sympathy towards the refugees and thereby evokes antagonism toward the hostility of the politicians. The biased editing indicates that the catalyst of the refugee process the six participants embark on was the producers’ external motives to persuade the public’s opinion on the refugee issue be specific here; what are they trying to persuade them of? What message is being conveyed here? As the six participants proceed through their journey, the development of their physical discovery is portrayed through the scene in which Adam, Glenny and Darren travel through the red-zone. The U.S soldiers assurance of having a “SOP(standard operating procedure) in place to make suretheywhen modifying quotes from a text, the convention is to just use square brackets and replace any unnecessary information, so this would be 'to make sure [bombers] don't get too close. '(bombers) don't get too close,” is capitalised on expressions is a bit clunky; try 'emphasised' or 'magnified' through the employment of close up shots of nearby vehicles.The close up shots of the vehicles conveysThese convey the anxiety and fear of the scene through raising suspicion of a possible bomber. This trepidation is further enhanced by the voiceover of the narrator who states that “only an hour earlier a bomb exploded nearby, killing two civilians” good, but make sure you integrate these quotes properly. The participants’ response to this physical confrontation is captured through reaction shots that reveal the apprehension and fear brought by their tangible firsthand experience of the dangers the refugees flee from. Adam Hartup expresses the resultant change he has undergone due to the discovery as he states “I won’t say it’s illegal(entering Australia by boat)[to enter Australia by boat; it's too harsh of a title,” contrasting from his past accusation of refugees to be “criminals.” expression; you don't accuse of someone to be something' - this should be more like 'his past belief that refugees were "criminals" ' or 'his previous accusation that refugees were "criminals".' Adam’s quotes portray his realisation that categorising people who are simply attempting to escape death as murderers and thieves is not appropriate. The portrayal of Adam’s transformation of his perspective on refugees illuminates the effect of discoveries evoked extraneous to themselves. Great! Loving the step-by-step build up of your argument here, but I think you could do more to link this to the prompt. Remember that you're meant to be talking about the key words 'curiousity' and 'wonder;' and those aren't really present in this paragraph. Perhaps you could challenge the prompt by suggesting that sometimes, more harrowing discoveries can stem from other impulses (i.e. the participants on 'Go Back' weren't especially curious or amazed at the wonder of what they experienced, but instead became more enlightened and informed as a result of the discoveries they made.)
Hi there!Hey nay,
First of all thank you so much for doing this :) While we've finished our discovery assessment tasks already (wasn't an essay) I'm not really happy with the essay I have and my teacher actually recommended to change texts. Would you mind giving me some feedback?
Thanks!!
Hey nay,
Will definitely take a look!nay103's unmarked essay for referenceWhile the process of discovery leads to new understandings and renewed perspectives of ourselves and others, it can also lead an individual to question themselves and others, and thus have a less concrete understanding of people. Che Guevara’s memoir, The Motorcycle Diaries, published in 1995, asserts that discovery allows new ideas about ourselves and others to be formed, while Haruki Murakami’s short novel, South of the Border, West of the Sun, published in 1992, suggests that discoveries do not necessarily lead to a better understanding of ourselves or others. While both texts grapple with the notion of discovery as being intertwined in the formation of values and perspectives, each text takes a different stance upon this idea.
The Motorcycle Diaries documents Guevara’s travels through South America in forty-six diary entries over nine months. The personal nature of this form allows the reader to make deeper connections with Guevara, and experience the building up of discoveries as he does. As Guevara’s diaries are sandwiched between a preface written by his daughter and an appendix written after he became a revolutionary, the reader is able to appreciate the impact of the new understandings Guevara has made on his journey and how they have affected his view of himself and others. The reader is able to see the juxtaposition between the “old” Guevara and the “enlightened” Guevara, emphasising that discovery can and does lead to new understandings and perceptions.
Murakami’s South of the Border, West of the Sun, concerns an everyday man named Hajime, and the relationships he forms throughout his life, most importantly the one he forms with his childhood crush, Shimamoto. While it is evident Hajime is heavily based on Murakami himself – they both share passions for music, literature and jazz bars, Murakami writes in a way that makes Hajime’s emotions seem detached. As the reader goes through the book, due to the paradoxical nature of the isolated first person narration, it is difficult to develop a better understanding of Hajime. Though they read his story, and discover what he goes through, they fail to make any substantial new understandings about him as a person.
Guevara’s diaries also suggest that smaller discoveries, once built up, can lead to significant insights of one’s character. This is primarily expressed when Guevara reflects upon his journey. For example, in the first entry, “so we understand each other,” Guevara refers to himself in the third person, saying, “the person who wrote these notes passed away the moment his feet touched Argentine soil. The person who also re-organises them and polishes them, me, is no longer, at least I’m not the person I once was. This third person narration creates a distance between the reader and the pre-journey Guevara, while the first person narration in the second sentence creates a sense of intimacy between the reader and the post-journey Guevara. This accentuates the differences between the two Guevaras, which is only emphasised through the metaphorical death he describes. His discoveries on his journey have not only caused him to change his values and the way he views himself, but have resulted in a “rebirth” for him as well.
Guevara’s notion that discovering and discoveries always lead to a better understanding of self is subverted in Murakami’s work. He asserts that discoveries about one’s self and others leads to another revelation, where the individual realises how little they actually know. For example, despite the regular meetings Shimamoto and Hajime have, he says, “The most I can say about you was how you were at the age of twelve. Other than what I knew about you then, I’m in the dark.” He does not feel he understands her any better than before, though he has learnt more about her through their frequent conversations. It is also evident that Hajime feels he has not learnt more about himself, as his relationship with Shimamoto is a reflection of his relationship with himself, as indicated by, “Nothing is written in your eyes. It’s written in my eyes. I just see the reflection in yours.” The successive short sentences create a sense of resignation, that Hajime has finally conceded he really doesn’t know himself or Shimamoto. His realisations express that though individuals can continue discovering things about themselves and others, it is impossible to ever develop a true understanding of a person. The more people discover about individuals, the more they realise they have to learn, contrasting to Guevara’s stance.
Though discovery and discovering can lead to new understandings, as demonstrated by Guevara’s The Motorcycle Diaries, this is not necessarily true in all cases, as suggested by Haruki Murakami’s South of the Border, West of the Sun. In comparing these two texts, it seems that physical and observational discoveries tend to lead to more concrete understandings, while emotional discoveries tend to lead the individual to introspectively question themselves. (Not sure about this last sentence… not really sure how to word it)nay103's marked essayDiscoveries and discovering can offer new understanding and renewed perceptions of ourselves and others.
While the process of discovery leads to new understandings and renewed perspectives of ourselves and others, it can also lead an individual to question themselves and others, and thus have a less concrete understanding of people. I really, really like the position you've taken here. Che Guevara’s memoir, The Motorcycle Diaries, published in 1995, asserts that discovery allows new ideas about ourselves and others to be formed, while Haruki Murakami’s short novel, South of the Border, West of the Sun, published in 1992, suggests that discoveries do not necessarily lead to a better understanding of ourselves or others. While both texts grapple with the notion of discovery as being intertwined in the formation of values and perspectives, each text takes a different stance upon this idea.
Notice what I've highlighted in blue :). I used to use that word a lot as well because it's really just so useful, but when you can make a sine graph out of your intermittent use of a word, then your essay starts to sound... well... like a really bunched up sine graph.
I like your take on the prompt, it's a good thesis.
After your thesis though, you don't flow with the texts you're introducing. I.e., it's like there's distinct chunks of writing. There's Chunk A, where you write your thesis, and then there's Chunk B, where you write about the texts. It's best to have you're entire introduction seem like it's a Chunk in itself. It seems as if SofBWotS really reinforces your thesis, so you could lead on from your first sentence like...
While the process of discovery leads to new understandings and renewed perspectives of ourselves and others, it can also lead an individual to question themselves and others, and thus have a less concrete understanding of people. Haruki Murakami’s short novel, South of the Border, West of the Sun explore this notion, suggesting that new knowledge can shake the foundations of our reality.
Now, obviously talking about the shaken foundations of reality sounds like you're a bit of a wanker, but do you see how I blended the sentences? Focus not on the content, but on the grammar and structure. It looks as if there's One Chunk. Then you'd really try and continue that Chunk with the other text etc. You could say.... "However, The Motorcycle Diaries positions discovery as more akin to development; something that pushes us forward and lends us greater understanding of the world".
And that would blend.
Now, I've said a lot of things for the purpose of learning, but the key thing I want you to take out of what I've just said about your introduction is: It should be One Chunk. Not two or three Chunks. And you can do this by grammar and structure alteration!
The Motorcycle Diaries documents Guevara’s travels through South America in forty-six diary entries over nine months. The personal nature of this form allows the reader to make deeper connections with Guevara, and experience the building up of discoveries as he does. Good, hits 'ways texts are composed/responded to' As Guevara’s diaries are sandwiched between a preface written by his daughter and an appendix written after he became a revolutionary, the reader is able to appreciate the impact of the new understandings Guevara has made on his journey and how they have affected his view of himself and others. The reader is able to see the juxtaposition between the “old” Guevara and the “enlightened” Guevara, emphasising that discovery can and does lead to new understandings and perceptions. Good! Hits the criteria. Structurally, the paragraph is very quick and to the point, but I see you have many paragraphs so I won't necessarily tell you off for it. I can definitely see what you're going for in this paragraph, and I do like the cut of your jib.
Murakami’s South of the Border, West of the Sun, concerns an everyday man named Hajime, and the relationships he forms throughout his life, most importantly the one he forms with his childhood crush, Shimamoto. While it is evident Hajime is heavily based on Murakami himself – they both share passions for music, literature and jazz bars, Murakami writes in a way that makes Hajime’s emotions seem detached. As the reader goes through the book, due to the paradoxical nature of the isolated first person narration, it is difficult to develop a better understanding of Hajime. Though they read his story, and discover what he goes through, they fail to make any substantial new understandings about him as a person.
Hmmm. It "feels" like you're sort of, telling facts, instead of exploring discovery. A small point, but I might talk more on this at the end of the essay.
Guevara’s diaries also suggest that smaller discoveries, once built up, can lead to significant insights of one’s character. This is primarily expressed when Guevara reflects upon his journey. For example, in the first entry, “so we understand each other,” Guevara refers to himself in the third person, saying, “the person who wrote these notes passed away the moment his feet touched Argentine soil. The person who also re-organises them and polishes them, me, is no longer, at least I’m not the person I once was. This third person narration creates a distance between the reader and the pre-journey Guevara, while the first person narration in the second sentence creates a sense of intimacy between the reader and the post-journey Guevara cool, cool!. This accentuates the differences between the two Guevaras, which is only emphasised through the metaphorical death he describes I *really* appreciate and like this folllow up sentence. Follow up sentences of this nature... they good. they cool. they fresh.. His discoveries on his journey have not only caused him to change his values and the way he views himself, but have resulted in a “rebirth” for him as well.
Guevara’s notion that discovering and discoveries always lead to a better understanding of self is subverted in Murakami’s work. He asserts that discoveries about one’s self and others leads to another revelation, where the individual realises how little they actually know. For example, despite the regular meetings Shimamoto and Hajime have, he says, “The most I can say about you was how you were at the age of twelve. Other than what I knew about you then, I’m in the dark.” He does not feel he understands her any better than before, though he has learnt more about her through their frequent conversations. It is also evident that Hajime feels he has not learnt more about himself, as his relationship with Shimamoto is a reflection of his relationship with himself, as indicated by, “Nothing is written in your eyes. It’s written in my eyes. I just see the reflection in yours.” The successive short sentences create a sense of resignation love it, that Hajime has finally conceded he really doesn’t know himself or Shimamoto. His realisations express that though individuals can continue discovering things about themselves and others, it is impossible to ever develop a true understanding of a person. The more people discover about individuals, the more they realise they have to learn, contrasting to Guevara’s stance.Mmmhmm, mhmmm. Mmkay, kewl kewl.
Though discovery and discovering can lead to new understandings, as demonstrated by Guevara’s The Motorcycle Diaries, this is not necessarily true in all cases, as suggested by Haruki Murakami’s South of the Border, West of the Sun. In comparing these two texts, it seems that physical and observational discoveries tend to lead to more concrete understandings, while emotional discoveries tend to lead the individual to introspectively question themselves. (Not sure about this last sentence… not really sure how to word it)
Yeah I see what you mean about the last sentence. You mean this:
In comparing these two texts, it seems that discoveries of an empirical, tangible nature lead to more concrete understandings, whereas emotional discoveries (or even 'interpersonal' discoveries?) only make an individual's firm sense of self more distant and more complex.
I think that's what you mean at least, it was just a tiny bit of awkward grammar. (Even my sentence is a bit awkward - it's some tough meaning to convey).
Also, I do feel as if you perhaps compared the texts it too much of a detached way without really exploring your thesis and the nature of discovery. I.e., you flicked in some techniques, some statements... But I feel as if your thesis has more depth to it than you showed in the essay.
The structure is smart for the comparative nature of the essays, with the A-B-A-B structure. I wonder if four paragraphs is stretching you too thing though and not allowing you to hit the right depth.
Regarding changing texts... Why did your teacher recommend that? I.e., what was the context?
Hey guys, thank you for doing advanced english essay marking! What a benevolent act this is! If anyone is available, would you kindly mind to mark my essay on the area of study discovery? Thank you very much guys I really appreciate it! :)Tis the least we can do for those aboard the AN bandwagon, especially people as helpful as yourself.
Hey,Hey man, feel free to post redrafts and other essays here! There'll always be someone happy to help out. :)
Thanks! That was really constructive. Would you be happy to look at a fixed essay once I get around to that?
My teacher said to change texts because the book seems to offer a notion of discovery that is "too ambiguous." I don't really see a problem with it - perhaps it even emphasises the nature of emotional discovery - but do you think I should listen to her?
snipYou're too gracious. I'll do standard and Extension 1 okies so don't do that just in case you were going to
Hope ya'll don't mind this VCE-er crashing your thread to scrawl in red all over your essays :3
Tis the least we can do for those aboard the AN bandwagon, especially people as helpful as yourself.
Comments in the spoiler :)Hey man, feel free to post redrafts and other essays here! There'll always be someone happy to help out. :)Spoiler“Discovery can affirm or challenge societal assumptions and beliefs about aspects of human experience and the world” How does this quote represent your own understanding of discovery? In your response, make detailed reference to your prescribed text and at least ONE other related text of your choosing.
Discovery – necessarily involving the overcoming of obstacles and recognition to greater human potentials –often challenges popular social assumptions through renewed perceptions towards the reality of remote circumstances and confronting human experiences. excellent opening sentence. This notion is explored in Simon Nasht’s documentary Frank Hurley: the Man who Made History (2004). This documentarywhich illustrates the magnificence and danger of Antarctica and the atrocity of World War I, hence depicting an alternative reality of these events for a contemporary audience. Similarly, Markus Zusak’s novel The Messenger I approve of this choice :D Awesome book (2002) affirms the social expectationssingular, since I believe you're just talking about the one here(?) that for teenagers, life can be unfulfilling but through determined actions and self-actualisation, expectation as in, our own expepctations? Or societal expectations? You could afford to be more specific here can be challenged and become more realistic. Overall, strong intro, and you've forged a decent link between the set texts.
Hurley’s far-reachinghuman<--bit redundant experience during the Shackleton Expedition challengesthesociety’s assumption of Antarctica being an unknown, lifeless and barren land through illustrating the continent’s magnificent force of nature. Excellent topic sentence. These paradigms are challenged synonym? This is the kind of word that's likely to come up often, so having some alternatives up your sleeve would be useful through Hurley’s iconic composite photography, stimulating new worlds and possibilities. The Shackleton voyage took place between 1914 and 1917 with the intention to cross Antarctica from pole to pole. The Polar historian, Steve Martin’s description of the exploration through the biblical imagery “place of the gods is taken … incredible forces of nature” depicts both the transcendent nature of the discovery which challenges the societal perception of Antarctica as a land of emptiness and insignificance. As an outcome of the Shackleton Voyage, Hurley reaches an epiphany and discovers that the extreme weather of Antarctica, the force of nature and his human encounters constitute to expression(??) Are you trying to say that these things combine to form valuable parts of his photography? If so, 'constitute' doesn't really fit the sentence here. If not, I'm not sure what you're saying exactly valuable components of his photography. This idea is expressed through Hurley’s metaphorical celebration of “something that was gold dust” which reflects the unexpected discovery of the fascinating world around him. So how do you know this discovery is valuable to him based on that quote? The connection might be obvious to you, but being even more explicit would be really good here (i.e. the fact that 'gold dust' implies fine, intrinsic value, etc.) Moreover, during the emotional interview with the daughters, the close-up shot of their mourning expression and the sobbing tone “how they found a place to camp is beyond me” this quote isn't really integrated properly. If I were to take out the quotation marks here, it wouldn't really be grammatical, which tells you that you need to do more to make this fir challenges the society’s unless you're going to specify a society (eg. 1970's America; contemporary Australia, the middle ages, etc.) it'd be better to just say 'society' in general assumption that mankind cannot exist in Antarctica and endureundersuch a harsh environment. Overall, the documentary presents confronting experiences unveiling the timeless interaction between mankind and nature and how there is usually a re-evaluation of societal assumptions for a modern audience.
This is really nit-picky, but this sentence isn't really grammatical even though I know exactly what you're saying. Basically, we've got two core points here, and if we reverse the order, you'll see why they don't quite fit:
1. The documentary presents confronting experiences unveiling the link between mankind and nature, and how there is usually a revaluation of assumptions. (~simplifying a bit here)
2. The documentary presents how there is usually a revaluation of assumptions and confronting experiences unveiling the link between mankind and nature. ???
If this sentence were grammatical, I should be able to swap these components around, and everything would be fine. See:
1. The documentary suggests that art is really cool, and that the audience should take up painting.
2. The documentary suggests that the audience should take up painting, and that art is really cool.
But because you've got the verb 'presents' here, which doesn't quite gel with the second constituent ('how there is usually a revaluation...') it makes the whole things sound just a little bit off.
Admittedly it's the kind of thing most assessors would just ignore and skim over, but tidying up these little syntactic inconsistencies can make a difference to your quality of writing overall.
The personal and historical ramifications of Hurley’s emotional and psychological try not to split hairs unecessarily; your first divide: 'personal and historical' is valid, but this second one is a tad redundant. Is there a difference between an emotional disclosure and a psychological one? disclosure of life’s fragility during World War I offered a transformed societal perception towards the recording of human atrocity. An example of these ramifications is revealed through Hurley’s daunting simile when he describes how the war is“It’slike passing through the Valley of Death for no-one knows when the shell will lob”. <-- notice how I've integrated that quote now such that if you removed the quotation marks, it'd still fit the sentence? This in conjunction with the photographs of dead mutilated soldier in mud presents the devastating nature of war and consequences of human destruction.HerebyHence,1900s society’sthe society of the 1900s' perception of war as a glorious eventof courage?is effectively subverted. The emotional and psychological discoverieshave ledlead to the transformation within Hurley, from an objective war correspondent to an artist who desires to convey his understanding of the heroism within the soldiers when facing the devastation of war. The unbearable circumstance he disclosed for himself, expression - I'm not sure what you mean by 'disclosed' in this context? as illustrated through the frightening military imagery of there being a body “every twenty paces or lesslay a body… covered with mud and slime” which has generated his intention to transcend the limitation of shots and create photographs. Consequently, through incorporating an extreme long shot to depict the vulnerability of the soldiers who are exposed under the attack of the planes, Hurley’s composite photograph portrays the soldiers’ courage in wars despite the observed danger. This effectively promotes a sense of heroism within them which cannot be achieved through factual photographs. Therefore, the power of composite imageries to illustrate the horrors of war challenges the importance of an objective analysis, signifying the importance of a subjective perspective to heighten the atrocity of war and confront the 1900s cultural belief of war as glorious. Freakin' awesome paragraph closer - there's not a thing about this I would change; you've done a great job zooming out after successfully building up your evidence over the previous sentences - great job!
Similarly, in The Messenger (2002), the protagonist Ed Kennedy subverts society’s assumptions towards underachieving teenagers through his transformative self-actualisation after accomplishing a series of confronting physicaldisclosuresokay, this word definitely doesn't fit here. What exactly are you referring to? Physical tasks/challenges?. This is illustrated through the juxtapositionbetweenin the representations of Ed in the establishing and final chapter. Preliminarily, Ed is displayed as an incompetent teenager whose doomed life simply involves cab driving and card games through the truncated sentences “No real career. No respect in the community. Nothing”. The repetition of “no” depicts a sense of hollowness in Ed’s life and affirms the assumption that real occupational world can be unfulfilling. EXCELLENT! You've got some quotes and metalanguage to describe what's going on in the text, but more impressively, you've been able to link this up with the intended meaning and overall significance!!! This is one of the best examples of this I've seen in an essay, and I've read a lot of essays :P Well done! However, his commencement on the Ace of Diamonds okay, I know what you're referring to because I've read the text, but if you said this to someone who hadn't you could understand how they might be confused. I think it's worth having maybe half a sentence of explanation about the significance of the different cards and notes just so your reader doesn't get lost herehas ledleads to discoveries of his hidden potentials, such as his ability to deal with the dilemma ontheEdgar Street, heal people’s scars with happiness and encourage others to achieve beyond their abilities. In addition, Ed’s alternative method to punish the rapist instead of killing him is a spiritual landmarksignificantindicative of Ed’s enlightenment. The symbolism of the trigger in the quote “A moment of peace shatters me and I pull the trigger” represents Ed’s transition from a mundane, 19-years-old taxi driver to a hero who is ambitious, helpful and competent. In the last chapter of The Messenger, the spiritually meaningful outcomes have led Edinto becomingto become (though the expression is a bit simple here; instead of 'led to become,' consider something like 'engenders' or 'induces him to become...') a totally different person. Through the short but powerful closing sentence “I am not the messenger. I am the message”, Ed challenges for a popular-culture audience the society’s ignorance towards underachieving teenagers should be more like 'Ed challenges the ignorance of popular culture and society towards underachieving teenagers' by revealing his power to positively impactuponother’s lives and his capability to achieve beyond his potential. Overall, try not to overuse this as a paragraph conclusion; there are lots of other linking words like 'thus...' and 'ultimately' which would also work here through Ed’s contributive achievements either 'contributions' or 'achievements' would be fine here which are outcomes of his renewed understanding of his values, societal assumptions towards human experiences are effectively challenged.
Overall see above, both texts effectively portray the immense power of discovery to transform an individual’s perception towards social beliefs about human experience and the world. Through Frank Hurley: The Man who Made History, contemporary responders are enlightened with Hurley’s passion as an artistic photographer and this challenges societal beliefs about these composite imageries as being merely commodities. Similarly, the ramifications of Ed’s unexpected self-discovery in The Messenger has significantly transformed his life and confronted societal assumptions towards underachieving teenagers. good, functional conclusion, but I think there's room for you to do more than just sum up your points here. Ultimately, you're not going to lose marks for ending on a note like this, but you're not going to be gaining any marks either, so it's kind of a missed opportunity. Instead, try to zoom out and say something about the nature of discovery using both of these texts as your springboard, so that you can end by looking at discover as a whole, rather than relating the prompt to both texts in isolation.
So, to sum up, there are some really standout moments of top quality analysis here, and you've clearly got a lot of confidence in talking about the texts.
I think you could certainly work on your comparative skills though; dealing with the texts in their own paragraphs is perfectly fine, and it means you can explore relevant ideas without having to constantly flip back and forth between each one, but if you never talk about them together until the final bit of the conclusion, it makes it seem as though there aren't many viable links between them.
This actually ties in with a bigger point about argumentation. You've argued a lot of awesome points about the connection between Hurley and the idea of discovery, but when dealing with 'The Messenger,' you seem to conclude on the idea of societal expectations as they pertain to teenagers/underachievers which, whilst valid, is a little bit limiting and doesn't really showcase your or the text's potential. Spending some time just forging links between your two texts and then building out to ideas about discovery would be really valuable, I think.
Look at it like this - if the aim of your discovery module is to serve me up a delicious chocolate cake, and you serve me up one plain vanilla sponge cake on one plate and a big block of chocolate on the other... I'm not going to be too happy. I mean, I'll eat them both... but it'll be under duress >:(
Instead, you should be aiming to produce an outcome which would not be possible with just some ingredients on their own. You can't make a chocolate cake with the ingredients for a vanilla sponge, nor can you make it with a block of chocolate alone. Your arguments about discovery should be like chocolate cake, and you need to combine BOTH texts to reach this goal.
So, if you're following my metaphor, what you've got at the moment is three paragraphs worth of delicious sponge cake, and one paragraph of tempting chocolate, but it's that final challenge of combination that you'll now have to reckon with. Don't compromise the quality of your analysis though, because that's clearly a strong point for you. But perhaps see if you could integrate a bit of each text into every paragraph, or at least have one of your bodies exploring some connections in more detail. That way, you'll be able to 'zoom out' and say things about discovery that wouldn't have otherwise been possible without the input of both textual reference points.
Other than that, really awesome job so far. Good luck with it all!
With regards to changing your texts, I'd definitely consult with your teacher further and see if she reckons your text is the kind of one you just need to deal with very carefully to make sure you're bringing those 'ambiguities' to the surface and explaining them clearly, or whether she thinks it's one that's better ditched and left alone because it'd be too much work.
I'm with you in that it seems to suit your discussion well and sheds some slightly different light on what would otherwise be a fairly straightforward discussion of certain facets of discovery, but perhaps this is your teacher's way of telling you 'you're going to have a tough time this year dealing with certain prompts and ideas,' so I'd probably give more credence to her opinion than mine :P Did you have any other texts in mind, or are there any particular texts you might consider? Ideally you'll be able to find one that deals with similar ideas in a less ambiguous way. Let me know what you're looking for and I might be able to suggest some.
@MemeKing, feedback below:SpoilerBody 1: Hurley
The mutability of truthrenders'means that' or 'makes' would be more accurate here. You've got enough complex words going on in this sentence, and 'renders' is not quite right (-it tends to be used in the context of 'eliminating all other options,' as in, 'My ATAR rendered me unable to attend university.' It's kind of like the verb 'left,' as in, 'She was left/rendered crying by the phone waiting for it to ring' if that makes sense?) discovery pivotal in order for us to appreciate otherwise ephemeral aspects of value. The subjective feature of truth is confronted in the composite nature of Hurley’s work. The notion that Hurley’s photographs are “amongst the most valuable ever taken” is a perspective that Nasht attempts to convey to his contemporary audience in Frank Hurley in order for us to discover aspects of value in his work that have been blurred by the ambiguity of truth. Hurley’s “concoctions” lie in him seeing “a gulf between what he saw and what he captured” and thus provokes his transition into being a “master of illusions”. Hurley’s “outright fakes” were attempted to be reconciled expression - this makes it sound like the fakes were trying to reconcile themselves ??? through Nasht’s quadtriptychs that endeavored to justify So this sentence is saying Hurley's fakes were reconciled through the quadtriptychs that tried to justify his "dalliance"? I'm a little lost here; what is the textual evidence demonstrating, exactly. At the moment, you're cramming a bit too much information into these sentences Hurley’s “dalliance with the truth”. This juxtapositionwasis --keep a consistent present tense when talking about things the author/director does edited through the documentary in order to demonstrate that by discovering Hurley’s intention behind these “grand illusions”,couldwe could then appreciate otherwise lost aspects of value. Nasht’sthenevocative zoom into the cyclical auction house emphasizing the “$100,000” portrays the value of his “forgotten work” that had now proved to be popular “in a world searching for hero’s no apostrophe here”. Thus, Nasht critiques the momentum of time expression that renders Hurley’s works “fake”, and thus conveys that only through discovery can we appreciate Hurley’s “grand illusions”.
Body 2: Hurley
Man’s continual pursuit for discovery manifests brings about? not sure what you're going for here the irony regarding human identity, allowing individuals to transcend their failures through art. Throughout Frank Hurley, Nasht portrays Hurley’s intellectual discoveries that ultimately catalyses his ability to perpetuate a desired self-image. This provokes the need to transcend himself past a “mere photographer,” utilizing his “elaborate concoctions” in order to attain a nirvana in which his fallacy of a “grand illusionist” may be adhered to. As Hurley discovered, he realized he could not “capture his works on a single frame”, and the frustrated tone of the narrator resonates with Hurley’s inherent failures that provokes him to seek alternative methods to let his work be known. Through this journey of self-discovery, Nasht portrays Hurley as a “tireless photographer” that sees his intellectual inability lead him through “drinking melting ice” and “eating raw seal meat” that slight repetition in sentence structure within this point conveys his seemingly endless journeys in attempting to discover what may make his work timeless. some great analysis going on here; this is much improved from your earlier drafts :) Nasht then reconciles the ephemeral existence of Hurley’s photographers through the title of “an inventor”, stating how Hurley is going to “make the photographers”. Nasht engages this with a montage of composite images in order to portray Hurley’s affiliation as an “inventor”, emphasizing his ability to transcend himself through “manipulations”. Although plagued by the momentum of time, Nasht demonstrates how Hurley’s intellectual discoveries can redefine his existence and transcend Hurley’s inherent inadequacies through art. V. good paragraph; watch out for expression errors, but other than that, good use of evidence.
Body 3: Black Swan [Relating Hurley’s Body 2]
Discovering the desire for perfectionexaminesinvolves an examination of the duality in human identity, implying that insanity is possible in a search for perfection, even death why does this imply insanity and death are possible? I'm not following the logic here. Aronofsky depicts man’s continual pursuit for discovery in Black Swan through the protagonist Nina’s transcendence into the “black swan” that leads her to surpass her failures. Nina’s goal is to dance both the roles of the “white” and “black” swan however she does not possess the “dark passion” required to “balance the opposing characters of good and evil”. In the light of this discovery, Aronofsky portrays the dichotomy of black and white in the film as a reoccurring motif that demonstrates the “corruption” slowly delving into the protagonists mind leading her further into insanity. The illusion that Nina experienced pulling a “feather” from her skin depicts her evolution as the metaphor portrays her transcendence to the “darkness” she needed for the “black swan”. Much like Hurley’s ability to transcend himself through his “elaborate concoctions”, Nina is finally able to transcend herself I love that there's an overt connection between the texts here, but to 'transcend oneself' isn't really the most accurate way to phrase this in the context of the plot in the final scene as she “bleeds black”, “killing herself” onstage inattemptsan attempt to achieve “perfection”. Through this scene, Aronofsky conveys that darkness was a cost from the plight for perfection that concluded with “suicidal death” and that Nina the “White swan” was metaphorically “set free” the more she discovered the “shadow within”. Hence, both Nasht’s and Aronofsky’s texts mutually explore the irony of human identity, portraying man’s pursuit to transcend their failures through art. Excellent para conclusion!
There's so much improvement here from your earlier pieces; the connection between evidence and ideas is way stronger, and it seems like there's greater clarity in your understanding of the set text, so well done. There were a few moments where your expression impeded clarity a bit and I couldn't quite work out what you were insinuating, so just keep an eye on your word choices (but again, keep varying your vocab so you can uncover these concerns - they're already getting less frequent, which is also a sign of improvement) & make sure you're not repeating vocab or sentence structures too much.
Let us know if you have any further questions! :)
@summerxyingshi, feedback below:SpoilerWhat are the individual political perspectives, ideas, events or situations of the community? How are these represented?
In your response examine context, characterisation, theme, the process of analogy and allusion, motif, tone, structure, language, the use of drama as a political instrument. In your response, refer to The Crucible.
Political consequences can occur as a result of individuals pursuing their own ideology in a confining theological society. V. good opening sentence. You're talking about abstract ideas, but you're still doing so in a way that hints at the key notions in the prompt, which is awesome! This is represented in Arthur Miller’s 1953 drama, The Crucible which recounts the political event of the 17th Century Salem Witch Hunts. Miller uses the allegory of the town of Salem to criticise the 1950s, <-- no comma needed here American McCarthyism trials whereby individuals feared (keep the tense consistent; you're talking about an event in the '50s, so it's pretty safe to use past tense) blinded the people’s true intentions and morals.
The Crucible portrays through the Salem witch trials, that Okay, idea-wise, I get what you're conveying, but the sentence structure is a little bit weird here. First of all, the word 'portrays' is a great one for describing how an author presents evidence (e.g. 'Miller portrays the damage of Abigail's lies' or 'The playwright portrays the hysteria of the town') but you can't really use it in the context of portraying a message (e.g. 'Miller portrays that Abigail is a liar' or 'The playwright portrays that the town is hysterical' ~~both of those sound a little clunky.) If those last two sound okay to you, it's probably because your use of the word 'portrays' isn't quite aligned with the correct grammatical use of the word. To give you a clearer example of why this sounds odd, think of a word like 'argues.' You can say 'Miller argues that hysteria can be damaging,' but you can't say 'Miller argues the damage of hysteria' - it just doesn't sound right with that verb choice.
The other thing you've done here is split the sentence a bit, which can work well in some contexts, but isn't ideal in a topic sentence where you want to be prioritising clarity. So instead of saying (The author argues) (through this piece of evidence) (that this idea is true,) you instead want to get that middle bit outside the core of the sentence, and have it either at the beginning, like so: (Through this piece of evidence,) (the author argues) (this idea to be true) or at the end, as in: (The author argues) (this idea to be true,) (as seen in this piece of evidence.) To take the first one as an example, that would give us something more like 'Through the frenzy of the Salem witch trials, Miller suggests that mass hysteria can skew... etc.' Make sense? :) mass hysteria can skew an individual’s morals furthering political instability. Abigail, the antagonist,repetitivelyreally minor thing, but 'repetitively' kind of means 'repeating something so often it becomes irritating,' as in, 'he repetitively asked me to buy him Maccas for lunch' whereas 'repeatedly' means 'doing something multiple times,' and it's this second definition that seems to fit the context better here claims that “I (she) when modifying quotes, the three rules you have to abide by are:
a) make the grammar of the quote fit your sentence (which you've kind of done)
b) use square brackets to insert any words you need (which you've kind of done - just need to be squarer :P)
and
c) delete any words that need replacing.
So rather than saying 'she claims that "I [she] saw" something' --> you can instead just say --> 'she claims that "[she] saw" something,' which is way more grammatical than doubling up on pronouns by adding information but not deleting any saw…” you should probably fill in the blank here, even if you're not quoting. What is it that Abigail says she saw, exactly? (I know, and your teacher likely knows too, but you have to demonstrate that knowledge to the both of us), emphasising her blatant lying and rejection of Puritan morals. The hysterical fear of witches and supernatural events existing in Salem perpetuates Abigail’s lies, debunking Salem’s justice system demonstrated through the ironic stage direction ironic in what way? I like that you're going from an argumentative point about the thematic notion of hysteria into a discussion of evidence, but the link need to be a bit clearer here of Abigail’s “Ecstatic cries” as she condemns innocent people. This mirrors American 1950s McCarthyism, where suspected communists were blacklisted unless they named other people guilty of communistic views. As the curtain falls, morally strong-minded Rebecca Nurse is left alone on stage illustrating the moral weaknesses of other characters being swept up in the mass hallucination. Thus, highlighting SLIGHT TANGENT HERE --If you'll indulge this nerdy linguist for just a moment... what you've got here is an incomplete sentence, or more specifically, a FRAGMENTED SENTENCE
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v90/scatteredellipse/shock.gif)
...but it's okay! We can fix it!! First, let me explain what this means.
Every sentence has to have a 'thing' it's focusing on (known as the 'topic' or main noun of the sentence,) and then a 'thing' that happens (known as the action or main verb of a sentence.) There can be other information too, but that stuff has to be there and it has to be in that exact order of 'noun thing' + 'verb action.' That's why I can say something like:
My uncle went to the shops
but not:
Went my uncle to the shops.
You can begin a sentence with a verb, but it won't be the main verb of a sentence. For example:
Following my recent fight with my friend, she decided to ditch me.
^See how the 'focus' of the sentence is that she decided to do something, not that it 'followed my recent fight with her?' That's because all the other stuff is just optional, additional info. The core of the sentence is that main topic+action combination.
If a sentence is missing either its topic or its action, it's not a complete sentence (i.e. = a fragmented sentence.)
Now let's look at what you've written:
'Thus highlighting how the disorder can affect the community.'
(I'm simplifying the last bit, but you get the idea.)
So now that this is taken out of context, you might already be able to see how it feels a bit incomplete. That's because we've got the main verb of the sentence, 'highlighting,' but there's no main noun or topic! :O
Compare this to:
- This highlights how the disorder can affect the community
- Thus, the playwright highlights how the disorder can affect the community
- By highlighting how the disorder can affect the community, the author suggests that instability is dangerous
^Now we've got some complete sentences.
But the pattern of writing a linking word (eg. 'Therefore...' 'Thus...' 'Hence...' etc.) and a verb (eg. 'suggesting...' 'implying...' 'highlighting...') at the start of sentences is a very common trap for students, so keep an eye out for these kinds of sentences so you can remind yourself to stick a 'topic' in there before the verb, or else reword the sentence to make it more grammatical :) how the mass psychogenic disorder pervading through the community can destabilise and corrupt the community.
<link to previous discussion?>The minority becomes scapegoats in order to satisfy a corrupt individual’s thirst for political power. Abigail, in a desperate attempt to escape suspicion for “call(ing) the Devil”, targets Tituba, who is unable to defend herself properly due to her cultural and language barriers, displayed inher syntacticthe syntax of her dialogue “I don’t compact with no devil”. The double negative paradoxically has Tituba confessing to her crime andbe‘scapegoated’ by Abigail’s ‘snowballing’ of lies. Miller alludes to the communist hunt in 1950s America whereby power hungry individual’s <-- no apostrophe here attack the minority through accusations of communism to further their political power slight repetition here: 'power hungry people seek to further political power; hence power is transferred to power hungry people' :P Some synonyms would help a lot. Hence, power is wrongly transferred word check - what do you mean by 'transferred?' Where is it transferred from? Who is transferring it? Not sure this is the right word to describe this concept to power hungry individuals with no interest for the community, causing justice to be manipulated and distorted.
Political tension can cause domestic suffering and household politics to be altered. see above regarding linking paragraphs The setting of John’s house “is the low, dark, and rather long living- room of time”. The lighting of the Proctor household displays the tension present, reinforcing the diminishing of John’s power to maintain domestic peace. Good stuff! The fear of witches in Salem, no comma here inflicts pressure on Johnandwith the tension present in the Proctor household resulting in his angry outburst that he “comes into court when I (he) comes home.” The metaphor you need to explain this metaphor further. What does he mean when he says he 'comes into court' - what does this metaphorically represent? Again, I know what you're referring to, but I'm not meant to do any of the work here :) Spell it out within your essay, and then I/your assessor will have no choice but to give you marks demonstrates the degradation of love and trust within the household as well as emotional suffering. This is directly linked to America’s McCarthyism, where allegations of “reds under the beds” eventually leads to broken relationships does it? How so? Hence political tension can degrade household politics. Structurally, the paragraph is pretty sound, but you could use a bit more evidence to support yourself. Resting your entire argument on a single character's outburst makes things a but unstable.
In Miller’s The Crucible, the political events of Salem and McCarthyism trials are represented, portraying the mass psychogenic disorder the people experienced. Thusillustratingthe author illustrates... (another fragmented sentence here; same structure as before with the linking word + verb) the negative impact of individuals perceiving their own ideology as a result of a repressed theological society. Good ending.
Overall, a very strong discussion with some decent arguments - you seem to be really well-suited to a text like The Crucible with so many interesting socio-historical ties.
Essay structure was a clear highlight here with a good balance of 'zooming in' to closely examine evidence and 'zooming out' to comment on the broader significance of textual details, and you seemed to know what to do at the right moments. Just try to make sure your para conclusions are targeting the prompt as clearly as possible.
There were also a few instances when the connection between your examples and your ideas could've been made more obvious, and since this is a relatively short essay at the moment, you could also afford to add a few more examples in just to make your points a bit stronger.
& watch out for those fragmented sentences! Let me know if that explanation didn't make sense and I'm happy to clear up any uncertainties :)
Happy studying everyone!
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snipa note to bangali and lauren - these r mine ok thx
a note to bangali and lauren - these r mine ok thxWell I do not respect the laws of dibs if I've already started marking stuff, and I was halfway through when I saw this, so fight me.
Hey English Professors:Happy Physics Land, and ATAR Notes Legend like you never needs to be sorry!
Sorry to bother you with another piece of writing from me. This is a module A essay using a question from 2013 HSC exam. Thank you very much in advance for sparing your time to mark my essay it is really kind of you guys to do stuff like this!!!! :))))
Happy Physics Land, and ATAR Notes Legend like you never needs to be sorry!Your essay without commentsYour essay with comments
In what ways is your appreciation of both texts enhanced by a comparative study of passion in Donne’s poetry and W; t? In your response, make detailed reference to your prescribed texts.
Appreciation towards texts is often enhanced through comparing the timeless notion of passion across different paradigmatic frameworks. This idea is demonstrated through the metaphysical poems This is My Playes Last Scene and A Valediction: forbidden mourning by John Donne and the metatheatrical, Brechtian-style play W;t (1995) by Margaret Edson. My appreciation towards the two texts has been enhanced due to a deepened understanding towards the human you don't need to say "human". it's a bit useless, like saying "my favourite number if the odd number of three". You don't need to say 'odd', because 'three' conveys odd, just like "concept of passion" conveys human. concept of passion This sentence is sort of, not doing much for you. You have a good introduction so far, but then you just stick this sentence into it: "My appreciation towards the two texts has been enhanced due to a deepened understanding towards the human concept of passion"... It's like having a good proof and getting towards the answer, only to add in a line of working that isn't helpful nor mathematically useful. The reason that the sentence is sort of, "not the best", is simply because it sort of restates the question. The question asks you IN WHAT WAYS is your appreciation enhanced. But this sentence of yours simply states that your appreciation IS enhanced. Now.... I know you've done this because your next sentence starts with "this is achieved through..." - which appears to be your overall thesis. You set up your thesis with this sentence, but you actually don't need to. Going back to the proof analogy. You could skip an ugly line of working to make the proof cleaner. In this scenario, omitting the sentence I'm talking about would be the same as skipping an ugly line of working. You could remove that sentence and just say.... "Ultimately, through comparing Donne’s Elizabethan passion for love and death to Vivian Bearing’s passion for literature and Jason’s passion for medical research in a 20th century modern context, a reader enhances their appreciation of the texts by recognising the dominating nature of obsessive passion.. This is achieved through comparing Donne’s Elizabethan passion for love and death to Vivian Bearing’s passion for literature and Jason’s passion for medical research in a 20th century modern context.
Okay I talked a lot of shit about proofs and sentences in that introduction, so for a "in summary", just check the spoiler below. Otherwise, great introduction!!In SummayYour sentences: My appreciation towards the two texts has been enhanced due to a deepened understanding towards the human concept of passion. This is achieved through comparing Donne’s Elizabethan passion for love and death to Vivian Bearing’s passion for literature and Jason’s passion for medical research in a 20th century modern context.
My sentence: Ultimately, through comparing Donne’s Elizabethan passion for love and death to Vivian Bearing’s passion for literature and Jason’s passion for medical research in a 20th century modern context, a reader enhances their appreciation of the texts by recognising the dominating nature of obsessive passion
You can see that I have colour coded the sentences. Mine has red and blue, and yours has blue and red. You use the blue to set up the red. But you don't need a set up. You can say "through x", "y happens". You don't need to say "Y is the case". "Y is the case because X'.
Strongly influenced by the hegemonic weltanschauung of Christianity, This is My Playes Last Scene portrays a passion for death through various metaphorical conceits cool opening sentence. The establishing sentence “This is my playes last scene, here heavens appoint” alludes to the inevitable death of tragic heroes in Shakespearian tragedies. Through the biblical imagery of heaven and the analogy comparing life to a dramatic play, the poet celebrates his death and ascension to a virtuous afterlife. In addition, the geometrical conceit in the first quatrain, “My spans last inch, minutes latest point” compares death to finale of a race, hence illustrating death as the most exciting part of life. Furthermore, the final quatrain “Impute me righteous, purg’d of evill … the flesh, the devil” juxtaposes vocabularies such as “righteous” and “evil” to suggest the dichotomy between the body and soul. The relieved tone suggests the poet’s passion for the spirit to be preserved, alleviated from the physical sins and devilish temptations.Cool, great first paragraph!
Likewise, W;t heightens the value of the poem by appropriating elements of Donne’s passion towards death into a 20th century American society dominated by biomedical discourse. Similar to Donne, Vivian Bearing in her soliloquy “a breath – a comma – separates life from life everlasting … it’s a comma, a pause” also employs a metaphorical conceit comparing a comma in a literal dimension to a metaphysical barrier between life and afterlife. The deliberate emphasis on the punctuation of comma being simply a pause in life portrays Bearing’s passion for an afterlife which is conveyed through her evident passion for literature. Moreover, the stage direction “She (Vivian) walks … towards a little light” adapts a similar notion of passion towards afterlife in heaven from This is My Playes Last Scene. The light is symbolic of Vivian’s liberation from the physical suffering she endures in modern western hospitals and ascension in heaven, which corresponds to notions delivered by Donne’s poem. Therefore, by resonating with Donne’s passion for death through a modern Western hospital setting, W;t has effectively articulated this concept to surpass the ephemeral and this valuable appropriation can be appreciated.
A Valediction: Forbidden Mourning conveys Donne’s intimate passion, reflective of the Elizabethan romance, towards his wife Anne through metaphysical conceits inspired by Galileo’s invention of compass. The hyperbole “Let us melt … No tear-floods, nor sigh tempests move” defines the gush of emotions the two lovers experience prior to their reluctant separation due to the unification of their physical bodies and souls, thus expressing an intense affection. Juxtaposing their love to merely a physical love, Donne depicts his fervour as spiritual through the simile “… an expansion, like gold to airy thinness boat” which suggests that their connected souls simply expands when physically separated. Moreover, the last three stanzas employ the metaphorical conceit of Galileo’s compass to suggest Donne’s undying love by placing Anne at the centre whilst Donne revolves around her. The two compass feet trace a circle which symbolises an eternal cycle of love as suggested through “Thy soul, the fixed foot … if the other do”. Therefore through embracing both physical emotions and spiritual love, Donne effectively manifests his passion with Anne.
In contrast, Edson’s W;t generically depicts 20th century Western society’s mechanical approach to life and a lack of passion towards human beings however profound affinity towards literatures and academic research. In contrast to Donne’s passion which revolves around an intimate and physical bond with a counterpart, both Jason and Bearing’s passions involve the segregation from mankind. Vivian’s acerbic tone towards her student “You can come to this class prepared, or you can excuse yourself from this class … Donne’s agile wit at work” depicts her apathy which originates from her passion for Donne’s poems. Her ignorance towards the student’s emotions, displayed through the stage direction “walks away ... turns and addresses the class” portrays her self-indulgence in the microcosmic world of literature which consequently causes her alienation from others. Furthermore, Jason displays a strong passion in his scientific research however a lack of awareness towards surrounding human. A strong sense of situational irony is present when Jason contemptuously analogises clinicians to “troglodytes”; but in reality, Jason is the person who lives in seclusion, resembling Vivian Bearing, due to his overriding academic ambition. His direct reference to Bearing “she is research” in the final scene illustrates his passion for medical discourse however this passion has adversely led him to ignore the fundamental human rights. Evidently, both Vivian Bearing and Jason are apathetic towards human beings and their feelings which juxtapose the sensual passion portrayed by A Valediction: Forbidden Mourning. The significant differences between the two texts however accentuate that for individuals exposed under various cultural influences, the idea of passion may be interpreted differently.
Through studying Donne’s poems in tandem with W;t, responders can appreciate a more profound insight into Donne’s poems through Vivian Bearing’s passionate monologues about literature. Audience of W;t harvest the knowledge that the concept of Donne’s poems is about overcoming insuperable barriers separating life, death and eternal life. Undertaking the role as the compere of the play, Vivian Bearing attempts to strengthen herself against death with the academic vigour of This is My Playes Last Scene. This vicarious experience analysing Donne’s poem illustrates her passion and through this passion and Bearing’s ultimate suffering, the audience can understand that intellectual powers of language have trivial effects in confronting the physical reality of death. This reality, despite unpleasant, can be appreciated due to its applications to 21th century world. The juxtaposition between the Jacobean loving passion which involves an intimate bond between lovers and the 20th century passion for medical research which involves the objectification of patients has helped audience to recognise destructive power of science which eradicates genuine human emotions.
Overall, an examination of passion represented differently under contrasting contexts which permeate each text has allowed the audience to extensively appreciate the power of texts to articulate core human concerns. This has been achieved through comparing the differing interpretations of passion in This is My Playes Last Scene, A Valediction: Forbidden Mourning and W;t. The similar passions towards death manifest that despite historical distances, notions of passion are capable of universalisation beyond their context.
Cool! Really great essay, well written, great analysis and good quoting.
The one lesson I want you to take out of this essay is the bits of green and red that I've highlighted in the last few paragraphs.
Green is good. Red is bad.
Green features active verbs, like "depicts" (depicted would be the not-active version), or "conveys" (conveyed being the non-active version).
Red features sentences like "which is conveyed", which could be rearranged to "x conveys".
I've tried to highlight the patterns for you so you can see for yourself. Notice the similarities between the things I've hihglighted in gree, and the similarities between the things I've highlighted in red... and notice the difference between green and red highlighting.
Let me know if you need more explanation on this, because I'm pretty much just letting you do it yourself because I think you'll realise on your own to start using "es" words over "ed" words, and then sometimes integrating "es" with a comma and an "-ing" word.
Thank you very much Brenden, extremely helpful feedback on my introduction, thank you for correcting my grammars tooo!!! :D :D I think by changing "which is conveyed through" into "x conveyed" makes the subject of my speech more evident and l think it sounds stronger. A huge thanks to you Brenden!!!! :)))Exactly! It sounds much stronger. You're very welcome - stay cool, HPL!
The high modality present in, “only I like to manipulate the globe myself” emphasises the strong bias behind her recollections that is required for her rehabilitation and therefore her happiness.How is it that the high modality of that quote emphasises her biased recollections? You need to be more specific in terms of how and why certain evidence is suppirting your points. It's kind of like you're starting and ending in exactly the right places, but you just need to make that crucial mid-way point more obvious in order to get credit for your discussion.
Hi lauren,Ahh, I see. I reckon your exploration is sufficient, but it's possible that your teacher will expect something more specific or explicit, so maybe check with them? But seeing as you've made your focus clear at the most crucial moments (ie. the intro, starts and ends of paragraphs, and the conclusion) you should be fine :)
Thank you. For the evaluate part, I mean have I said how the author has explored truth and happiness well enough?
This is my essay for Joyce and Heaney, Module A,
Please give me feedback it is due in 2 days!
Thanks all xx
Hi,
Please help, this essay is for Module A, we are doing Julius Caesar (Shakespeare) and The Prince (Machiavelli)
...
Thanks again
Hi,
Please help, this essay is for Module A, we are doing Julius Caesar (Shakespeare) and The Prince (Machiavelli)
The question is “How has the treatment of similar content in a pair of texts shaped and reshaped your understanding of the values and attitudes of their differing contexts.”
Thanks again
Hey ATAR Notes,
I was wondering if you could help me out with an assessment question we are doing at school. It is a speech on W.B.Yeats' selected poetry. Out of the 4 poems we were given, I chose "Wild Swans At Coole" (more personal) and "Easter 1916". The question is:
“It is the tension, between the personal and political that creates interest in Yeats’ poetry”
What I wanted to ask was for you to clarify what the tension between the personal and political actually is. I'm not to sure how it relates to W.B.Yeats. Also if you could give us some arguments that we could use and revolve our analysis around, that would be super awesome!!
Thanks guys,
Cynthia :)
Year 12
Hi, i am currently studying Module A (The Prince and Julius Caesar), it would be great if you could take a look at my essay.
Thanks, i have attached it
Hey guys,
This is a kind of semi-dodgy Mod B Yeats Essay. Any criticism would be unreal!
Cheers
hello :)
I was just wondering whether you could please give me some feedback and advice on my draft essay (Tempest + Related Text)? This is the first time I've done a related text (we didn't do one in year 11 for some obscure reason) so I've struggled a lot and not feeling that confident with it. I'm not sure if I've really answered the question (we had to make it up ourselves) or have sustained ideas in my paragraphs + it's way too long so please, give me as much feedback as you can!! Go hard or go home haha thankyou so much!
Module B Essay using speeches. Question is on the PDF.
Thankyou :) :) :)
Hey there, you two! I'm really sorry - but before we have a look at this, I'll need to ask that you either post it as a word document or copy and paste your essay into a comment. The reason for this is, when I copy and paste the words from a PDF into the comment space for me to edit, it makes the paragraphs and line structure go crazy and it becomes really hard to edit properly! Sorry! If you post it back I'll get back to you as soon as possible. Thanks!
Hey Elyse. I have a school assessment tomorrow on the same essay question (we were given the question in class) and I would like to check if you would have any last-minute recommendations for my writing style/content/form before my exam tomorrow?
I understand if you don't get back in time....but I would appreciate any reply- I really respect this generous gesture of free essay marking. Wow :o
Thanks!
Oops, sorry about that:)
I've attached it as a Word file now
Hi,
Can you please look at my essay for The Crucible and my related.
Thank you so much :D
Hi, Elyse. Sorry but i was just wondering if you had missed marking mine?
No rush, just a reminder
Thanks
Hi, i am currently studying Module A (The Prince and Julius Caesar), it would be great if you could take a look at my essay.
Thanks, i have attached it