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HSC Stuff => HSC Marking and Feedback => HSC Subjects + Help => Marking Thread Archives => Topic started by: brenden on March 08, 2015, 12:23:06 pm

Title: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: brenden on March 08, 2015, 12:23:06 pm
If you'd like your essay marked, you won't be able to post it until you make an ATAR Notes account here. Once you've done that, a little 'reply' button will come up when you're viewing threads, and you'll be able to copy and paste your essay and post it up here for us to mark!

Hey everyone!! Welcome to the English Advanced Module Marking Thread. This thread is here for you to get feedback on your Advanced module essays from a Band 6 student. This resource exists to help you guys make huge improvements on your essay writing... Too often, teachers just write "good" or "needs explaining" or "expand". SUPER. FRUSTRATING. This is a place to properly improve :) :) :)

Before posting, please read the essay marking rules/rationale here.

Post away, and happy studies!!  ;D ;D
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: EarthSci34 on March 08, 2015, 12:52:34 pm
Ned Nerb!
 Attached below is a copy of my Advanced English essay- details are specified within the document.

Thank you so much and this is a very big help!!!!
:)
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: brenden on March 09, 2015, 01:12:49 pm
Acting as a parallel to the mass hysteria and socio-political anxieties that reverberated through the Salem Witch Hunts of Massachusetts in 1692, Arthur Miller and his sustained political allegory The Crucible (1951) sought to encapsulate the failure of American bureaucratic systems to facilitate the truth within a demoralised society and subsequently manipulated this truth to maintain power and influence.

So just a few things to note here in terms of language.

Firstly, and most simply, is “sought to encapsulate”. – Try not to talk about the text in the past tense. You’ll notice that as you avoid this, your writing begins to become punchier. I.e, “The Crucible encapsulates the failure of…” is an improvement on what’s there at the moment.

The second and third thing is sort of intertwined but worth noting separately for your consideration. The sentence is far, far too long, and it is also slightly convoluted because of all the “big” words. I mean, count the syllables in that sentence - huge quantities! I mean, the words you’re using are really nice and a reader can see you know what you’re saying, but are your choices as an author achieving the maximum impact for the reader? At the moment, I don’t believe so – because there are so many ‘nice’ words that they detract from each other… if you had less ‘nice’ words, you’d give the remaining ‘nice’ words more time to shine if that makes sense.

As for the length  - yep, too long. A good rule of thumb is that a sentence shouldn’t exceed 40 words unless you’re supremely confident that it must exceed that amount in order for the sentence to be maximally valuable. It’s good to have a punchy introduction, but 60 words in one sentence for the whole thing? It would be better to spend more words on using more sentences and breaking up the material for your reader.

As far as actual clarity goes: I’m not sure it’s 100% clear what you’re saying with reference to America. Whilst I haven’t read the entire essay yet, I know you discuss both McCarthyism and Islamaphobia. Which, then, demoralised society are you referencing? I’d perhaps slow down the introduction and be slightly more specific so you can later explain your choices more effectively.
 


Miller’s own involvement with the ‘Red Scare’ by Senator McCarthy in the 1950s led to the creation of ‘The Crucible’ and acted as a metacommentary on the social upheaval and abandonment of well-established values at the time. On the note of "tense" as I mentioned before... I would say, "led to the creation" (past tense, which is fine, because you're making historical claims), but then I would say..."'The Crucible', which acts as a metacommentary" -- also, you don't need the inverted commas around "The Crucible", as it has been written in italics (and has previously been written in italics and without the italics - important to keep consistency)The ‘Red Scare’ acted as a medium for the protection of individuals and the retaliation of long seated grudges towards other members of the community. The Salem Witch Hunts of 1692 and McCarthyism of 1950’s United States are remarkably similar by the lack of genuine justice served in both instances and accentuate the power dynamics evident within society.

So, I have highlighted in red the things I believe require some 'extrapoloation'. The 'Red Scare' sentence seems too foggy. Like in Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, when Harry loks through the pensieve to see Slughorn's memory of Voldemort, but because Slughorn had try to destroy the memory it looks 'foggy', even though Harry knows there's something really good behind the fog. That's what the sentence is like -- what do you mean "medium for the protection of individuals?", what do you mean about retaliation for long-seated grudges? You don't necessarily need more words in this sentence - rather, you need different words that achieve your aims more effectively. You're right (as you know) that McCarthyism and the SWHunts are very similar, but I don't think you precisely accentuate why their are similar in a wholesome, non-generalised sense. That brings me to 'power dynamics'. I mean, I know this section will be important to when you being to talk about your design, because these are the things -- the power dynamics, the bureaucracy -- that are really relevant. Because of that, you want to make sure these are the things that are really accurately delivered in your essay! In essence, I think you assume too much of the reader in this paragraph, and you need to give them just a little more. 

Drawing upon a multiplicity of discourses and inference to the multifaceted nature of politics --- It makes grammatical sense, but again, sentences like this feel overwhelming to the reader. I mean, it's still a really good sentence, I see what you're saying, but it just takes effort to read, which is normally a sign that revision would be beneficial. I mean, is talking about 'inference' completely necessary in order for you to convey the requisite meaning? (I am, of course, being absurdly nitpicky), I have chosen to represent the First Scene as you are capitalising, it may have been more appropriate to say "I have chosen to represent Scene One" of ‘The Crucible’ Again, just use italics. (Or underlining when handwriting). and translating it to Grammar needs revision. Send me a personal message if you don't see the grammatical mistake, but I think you'll notice it after your read it again.a 21st Century context through the vilification of Muslims preceding the events of the 9/11 bombings I think a stronger case could be made for the vilifcation of Muslims after the 9/11 bombing, but this is a very clear, good idea. It hits the second dot point of the criteria quite well (as I can only assume you will keep discussing this) .  Change of attitudes towards Muslims after these attacks became evident slightly messy clause that could be made punchier -- "were" would be a direct replacement for "became", but you could say that "These attacks provoked a radical attitudinal shift regarding the Muslim community" or something along those lines. , perpetuating fear and prejudice towards a religious group with differences to Western ideologies. Fuelled by similar anxieties that 1692 inhabitants of Salem had towards witchcraft and the outcasts of society that blew out of proportion, recent events such as the War on Terror sought to demonise Muslims within their familiar environment. These mirror the events of the Witch Trials and McCarthyism in which political figures, such as Judge Danforth and Abigail in The Crucible and Senator McCarthy in the ‘Red Scare’, are undeniably to blame for the demise of innocent people. Congruently, Anti-Terrorism laws were established throughout the Western world that allowed for the detainment and deportment of immigrants suspected of terrorism and prompted invasions of privacy and surveillance of individuals dueto heightened paranoia of Islamic terrorist attacks. Politicians at the time, such as President Bush, were also responsible for the needless suffering that individuals had due to simply being Muslim.Cool - very clear idea and comparison.
 
The recent rendition of The Crucible preformed at Bella Vista Farms was substantial for my choice of creative elements incorporated within my modern interpretation. Although relatively simplethis sounds like an insult (and in general, evaluative phrases/offering your opinion on quality of some thing or another isn't particularly useful or necessary), the stage director was successful in the manipulation of lighting and sounds in the first scene that was notable for its effect to foreshadow the destructive events to come. Darkness was prominent in first scene, aside from the focus on Betty and Reverend Parris, emphasising the absence of reason and light that would’vecontraction averted the death of innocents. "The director also integrated" Confronting, foreboding sounds such as harsh wind was also integrated within the set- projecting the anxiety of Reverend Parris and portraying the exacting judgements to be set later on within the play. The small, constricted room of Betty was also of particular interest to me, as it may also be symbolic of the narrow-mindedness that the citizens of Salem convey at the height of the trial’s proceedings. Quintessentially, the set, lighting and sounds very clearly evoke this downward progression in order to mirror the characters’ descent into madness.

Extending that notion into a 21st century context, the first scene of my rendition is an establishing shot of the American Flag with the Twin-Towers burning vigorously from the terrorist attacks. Good first sentence and transition from discussing the play you saw, to beginning to discuss how it impacted your choices (requisite point 2 for your reflection).This presents to the responder a provoking image of violence and destruction. Following that, a tracking shot of the Twin-Towers is presented to the viewer, emphasising the sense of despair that is seen in the first shot. Subsequently, the focus then changes to a television screen, with images of the Twin-Towers’ destruction and, underneath, in red capital and threatening letters ‘AL-QUEADA TERRORISTS IN AN ACT OF WAR’. This reinforces the involvement of an Islamic terrorist organisation in the demise of many Americans.  A dolly-shot follows this confronting shot- showing a hospital waiting room surrounded by darkness apart from the light emanating from the television set. The light of the television emphasises the confused and worried look of a man in the waiting room. The pervasive presence of the television mimics the lack of light within the original play- where the truth is constricted to individual and often confusing sources awesome. This asserts the all-encompassing power of the media, which is an extension of politics, that is able to alter public interpretations of the political act of war. In the following scene, a nurse directs the man to a dying woman, who is heavily injured from the attacks, which reiterates the devastating effects of the bombing to the wider audience. The focus is then changed to a newspaper, where the perpetuation of hatred towards the Muslims is substantiated to pictures of public protests about Islam- foreshadowing the incoming injustices to proceed from bigotry and fanaticism. Your adaption sounds so cool lol. So, I'm looking at the... "In your reflection you should consider" section of your criteria, which is what you're (presumably) aiming to satisfy in this paragraph and the past one. If that is indeed the case, then I would perhaps more directly make comparisons between your discussion of your own interpretation and how it has been impacted by your viewing of the play etc. I.e, something similar to........ " I have manipulated x stagecraft in y way, which is at least partially as a result of Director Y's decision to X in the Z production of the play". I feel like this would more conclusively hit the criteria (the first dot point - hitting all areas of the assessment, particularly as this is your last paragraph, I feel it would be particularly beneficial to really blatantly demonstrate how well you're hitting the criteria with those comparisons. Be like a peacock).

Conclusively Odd word choice, perhaps a mistake? "Conclusively" isn't synonymous with "in conclusion". I would have gone with "Ultimately" rather than "conclusively"., my adaption of ‘The Crucible’ in a 21st century context effectively uses a range of images and camera techniques to highlight political manipulation of truth in a wider society Great sentence!! See, "political manipulation of truth in a wider society" has some of those "bigger/fancier" words - but all of them shine! Rather than something like " political manipulation of the heteronormative and presumptious nature inherent to the bourgeois and their assumptions about truth in a wider society". That's what I mean. The second one is like "woah. too much", but the first one shines like a diamond. Hopefully that conclusively illustrates my aforementioned issues with your language choices. . This allows American politicians to extirpateextirpate might be an extremely strong word? demonise, yes. but completel eradicate seems like an overreach. Islam and ‘spread democracy’ throughout the world. The evident demonization of Muslims allows American politicians a sustained reason for a global military agenda, and subsequently increases its influence internationally. Similar to Danforth’s repressive exploitation of a theocratic government where religious ideology is inflexibly applied, America’s reaction to the 9/11 terrorist attacks castigates Muslims, both innocent and otherwise, and underhandedly causes grief and undermines the true notion of ‘justice’.


Cool. Clear concepts. Quite well written. Like, really well written (but imperfect). Basically all of my feedback is contained within, let me know if you have any other questions :).

If anyone else wants their essay marked, just sign up here!
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: ch2831 on June 15, 2015, 11:35:47 am
Thanks so much for your help!
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: brenden on June 15, 2015, 12:14:55 pm
Hey Brenden,
I was wondering if you'd just be able to take a look at my introduction and first paragraph, and give me some feedback on the clarity of the arguments introduced, and their relevance to the marking criteria.  If possible it would be great to make my argument more concise due to the 1000 word limit, but any feedback would be useful - go your hardest!
For the top band:
• Explores how Brave New World and a related text represent people and politics in unique and evocative ways
• Explores skilfully the relationship between representation and meaning
• Composes a skilful personal response using language appropriate to audience, purpose and form
 

Thanks!
Hey ameliagrace! Wow, you've done an awesome job! :D Thanks for providing the criteria, that was super convenient. I'm going to slaughter this, but don't be intimidated by all the feeedback. There's not that much to change, I'm just trying to explain to you why I'm giving points of feedback, which is  why there's so much.

And by the way, if anyone else wants their essay marked, you won't be able to post it until you make an ATAR Notes account here. Once you've done that, a little 'reply' button will come up when you're viewing threads, and you'll be able to copy and paste your essay and post it up here for me to mark!
 



All representations of an apparent truth are subject to manipulation by the perspective’s of those responsible for its production. Okay. Cool. I like this as an opening sentence because it’s interesting. Many people will just jump right into talking about BNW; however, this sentence does an awesome job of a) showing that you will hit the criteria, and b) not boring your assessor to death. So, I like the aim of the sentence, but I take slight objection to its execution... It’s just a bit “twisty-turny” on a grammatical level, so I feel like it’s not as clear and as punchy as it could be. For example, the way I interpret the meaning within this sentence is, “There are inaccuracies in all representations of truth because people only represent manipulated versions of the truth.” Now, I know the sentence I just gave is very ugly. However, it’s BLUNT. It’s blunt af. And because it’s blunt, after reading the sentence just once, you know what the writer is trying to say. However, I could do this with your sentence, because the information I required as a reader was not given to me in the correct order. Check the end of your sentence – “the perspective of those responsible for its production”. Here, you tell me WHOSE perspective you’re talking about LAST. Also, notice that you say “manipulation by the perspectives”… however, it’s not necessarily the perspectives doing the manipulating. It’s the people WITH the perspectives doing the manipulating. Also,  “representations… subject to manipulation…” – why not just say “are manipulated”? So basically, there needs to be a bit more grammatical precision in this first sentence in order for me to go “WOW”. The meaning is brilliant, but I need the meaning to be both brilliant and immediately obvious. I might revise this sentence to something like, “Truth is often presented categorically; however, it seems that the truth can be represented in sometimes contradictory ways, depending on from whose perspective the truth was told”. – obviously, this sentence is also a little bit twisty-turny, but I think it’s much clearer to the reader, even though it might lack the ‘zazz’ that your sentence was going for. This notion, explored by de Beauvior, is clearly evident in the novel Brave New World (1932), written by Aldous Huxley, and political documentary Bowling for Columbine (2002), produced by Michael Moore, where personal political perspectives are used to explore unique and evocative interpretations pertaining to political situations of their time. Cool. The second half of this sentence (where you aren’t just introducing authors blablabla) is good. Obviously directly hits the criteria through using the same keywords (evocative and unique), which I don’t mind at all. I appreciate the clarity. This sentence is fine but could be improved by having punchier expression. “…is clearly evident in the novel BNW”, could be something like “BNW exemplifies this notion”. Notice how much punchier ‘BNW exemplifies this notion’ sounds. (Obviously, that would change the rest of your sentence, so let’s see how we could change things around). “Written by Aldous Huxley” could definitely be punchier as well. So… perhaps something like… “Both Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World (1932) and Michael Moore’s political documentary Bowling for Columbine (2002) exemplify this notion, utilizing their own political perspectives to create unique and evocative interpretations of their time’s political situation”. Now, I know this leaves out de Beauvoir. Maybe she comes in through a second sentence, or maybe my revise sentence can be further revised. Basically, what I’m trying to show you is how my revised sentence seems more ‘fluent’ because it removes the ‘clunk’ from yours, but still keeps that awesome meaning in the second half of the sentence. How have I done this? Firstly, I’ve favoured ‘es’ over ‘ed’. So, the difference between “explored” and “explores”. Keep this tip in mind, because it’s very easy to use the active version of the word instead. I’ve also obviously written possession into the name of the author, rather than saying ‘written by’ or ‘produced by’. I like this a lot better because it sounds punchier, but sometimes you’ll want to say “produced by” for a specific purpose, so that’s definitely an option as well. Also notice that I’ve used “exemplify…, utilizing”. This is a common pattern. Just use a verb, (exemplify), then follow it up with a comma and another verb  with ‘ing’ on the end – “utilizing”. This has the same ‘punchy’ feel as just writing “-es” over “-ed”. IN SUMMARY: great sentence, but you can use some easy tips to clean up the expression and make it really impressive. In both texts, this notion can be explored on two levels - explicitly within the text’s plot and implicitly within the construction of the text itself. Cool! I love the distinction that you’ve made and the idea in general. Notice that the tip I just spoke about can be applied again here, and be “Both texts explore this notion in two ways: explicitly within the text’s plot, and implicitly within the construction of the text itself”.  All I’ve done is tried to find a way to write “explore” instead of “explored”, and it forced me to make the sentence sound a bit nicer.  Through the medium of production, textual form, perspective and use of language I would put a comma here for the sake of clarity the composers reveal their political motivations, which impact the representation of the subject and consequently influence the way in which the audience perceives meaning. This is an interesting sentence, because you’re writing about the criteria, and generally writing about the task – talking about representation and so on – but you don’t actually offer any information about what their political motivations might be, or how the representation of the subject is actually impacted… So, I think this sentence needs a little bit more detail (but not necessarily that many more words). – change it around a little bit to “give” the reader a bit more, which will show that you’re hitting the criteria more effectively than just writing a ‘generalist’ sentence as you have done.  Within the plot, Moore and Huxley also address the manipulation of truth by powerful political bodies GOOD. BOOM. That’s the specificity I was talking about. Powerful political bodies. Excellent! One slight hiccup, notie that you’ve said “Within the plot”, which refers to one plot, but then you’ve mentioned two creators. You’d need to say “Within their respective plots, ….”.   They emphasise This is awesome. Notice that “they emphasise” is much better than “they emphasized” that a particular representation does not always equate with the absolute truth good , and the impact that a false perception of truth has on the freedom of individuals and society within the text because you’re saying that they emphasise two things, it’s almost lost in the second half of the sentence what they’re emphasizing about freedom of individuals. However, I get the idea, and it’s a good one. I like it, it’s clear, and it hits the criteria.  Both composers cleverly criticise representations of people and politics by establishing the extent to which truth can be manipulated, and the effect of this on individuals and society.

Cool! Good wrap up sentence, leaves your contention very clear.
I know I just wrote some massive slab of text for a few sentences there, so just to be clear, my main point of feedback is:
Your writing could be more clear, and the meaning of your words more apparent, if you made your expression “punchier” through making your grammar more active. Improving this expression would not only improve your writing, but improve the perception of the examiner. Suddenly, your ideas will look better, and your analysis will look stronger – even if they’re the same as always. It’s about representing your skill in a certain way ;). You want to represent yourself like you’re a genius, so you should writing confidently and with ‘punch’.

In terms of what you wanted to know – your ideas are clear, and they’re good! They’d come out even better with just a few grammar changes
   



Moore’s political documentary successfully employs a post modern form to persuade the audience of his idea of the truth, his personal belief in the need for a gun law reform in America Notice that you've said "his idea of the truth, his personal belief...". Grammatically, this doesn't check out. As in, sticking that comma there and then saying "his personal..." lacks a bit of sophistication. You write it because those two this are so closely related in your brain, so you just separate it with a comma, but the process of codifying your thought and turning it into language means you can't use a comma that way. What you need is something like "...his idea of the truth: that gun law reform in America is vital/necessary/blablabla". Otherwise, I love that you've brought postmodernism into your discussion of truth - good first sentence!.  Exploring the possible causes for the Columbine High School Massacre, Moore focuses  YES! This is exactly the type of grammar I want you to have. "Exploring... Moore focuses" -- notice how this is the mirrored version that I told you to use earlier - "Emphasises, utilising". Good! This is what I want you to keep doing! :)on the nature of violence and use of guns within America culture.  His post modern approach to film making, as well as his prominence in pop-culture as a political narrator, establishes an authentic and reliable perspective.  Furthermore, by using a form of digital media which is easily accessible to a modern audience, Moore is able to relate to and fabricate trust within the audience LOVING what you have to say so far.  You could revise it so it was more concise, because it's almost a bit 'waffly', but otherwise, we're on a good path. After this little bit of 'waffle', I'm expecting you to launch into some deep analysis now that you've set up the paragraph. Also, notice that 'fabricate trust' doesn't make sense, even though I REALLY SEE WHERE YOU'RE GOING WITH IT. I know what you mean, and I like it... but how does one "fabricate" trust? You fabricate a story by lying. But you can't fabricate trust. You can only manipulate people into trusting you on grounds that might not necessarily warrant trust, but that's not the same as fabricating. I know what you mean though, and I like it. You'll just have to describe it better..  The extent to which this is evident back to the clunky expression. Make it punchier!is seen in a montage of various US involvement in various foreign politics, with Moore’s voice over narration providing statistics I would describe this as a "rhythmically stuttered presentation of historical facts", which is very specific, but the specificity helps to elucidate what Moore is doing. Also, your quote isn't as well integrated into the sentence as it could be. You just say "statistics" and follow it with the quote, however, you'd want to say "statistics, such as '...' " --- you want your questions to be completely embedded into the grammar of your sentence ‘1980s: U.S trains Osama bin Laden and fellow terrorists.  CIA gives them $3 billion’ followed bySee, this is good. This embeds the quote into your sentence's grammar ‘Sept. 11, 2001: Osama bin Laden uses his expert CIA training to murder 3000 people.’  The song ‘Wonderful World’ is played over the top of the narration, and as the song reaches its climactic ending, footage of the second plane to hit the World Trade centre is introduced, with the non-diegetic sound fading out to hear the screams of witnesses as the screen dissolves to black. AWESOME The highly emotive sequence is used to evoke a personal response within the audience, who Moore is able to manipulate to align with his beliefs of the need to reconsider the American Government’s political stance on gun laws and violence. Cool. Cool. Mmk. Very cool. So. What you've done is, you've provided a very descriptive (and accurate) account of what happened in the movie - which is indeed very emotive! - and then you've said "the emotion within this sequence does x". What you're missing is a detailed description of HOW Moore creates the emotion. Because this would be truly hitting the criteria of exploring how the related text represents people and politics in an evocative way. I know it might be confusing to you, "what do you mean, explain how?! How can you explain it when it's about f**king 9/11?! OF COURSE IT'S EVOCATIVE".

But think about it. What a Wonderful World. Why is it so evocative to play that song over footage of 9/11? HOW does that work?  It's not enough just to put it there, let the reader go 'woah' and then continue to say that Moore manipulates audience belief.

The reason that this so evocative is because of the contrast between the meaning of 'what a wonderful world' and the historical meaning of 9/11. 9/11 is obviously very far from wonderful, but what a wonderful world is supposed to be a celebration of the good things in life. Right? So why is he playing celebratory music over horrible footage?  The juxtaposition of these two dichotomous feelings creates - or EVOKES - a haunting effect in the viewer.The non-diegetic sound fades out to overwhelm the viewer and allow them to be completetly swallowed by the screams that they can hear.  Do you see how specific I'm being? I'm being very precise by honing in on the things that seem like they're even too small to explain. THAT's some beast-mode analysis.

Basically, what I'd want you to do to hit the first two criteria points even more effectively is to introduce the analysis earlier in your paragraph and then expand on the analysis you've already written. By expand - i mean write abotu the stuff that I just sort of wrote about - truly explain how he evokes emotion on such a fundamental level. Explain WHY putting 'wonderful world' over 9/11 is so powerful. Spend a bit of time on that, and then link it back to representation and truth -- how has he used such powerful emotion to shift around people's beliefs about the 'truth' of gun laws?

IN SUMMARY:

Love your analysis - it's clear, perceptive, and hits the criteria. But I would want analysis introduced SOONER so you can force the reader to spend more time reading your brilliant analysis. Know what I mean? When you've got something good, why only talk about it at the end of the paragraph? When you've got something good, you want ot SHOW IT OFF! Write about it sooner, expand on it, then wrap it up at the end. Great job! :)




Woo! Awesome. Great job. Your ideas are clear, however, they could be more clear through introducing punchier language, as you've done at times throughout the essay, but have also ignored at some key moments.

Your analysis is good, but it's interesting enough to leave me wanting more - I want to read more of your great analysis earlier in the paragraph, which would let your argument and idea shine through much more effectively.

So, a good effort ameliagrace, but you can definitely do better! Please let me know if you have any questions or need further assistance :)



If anyone else wants their essay marked, you won't be able to post it until you make an ATAR Notes account here. Once you've done that, a little 'reply' button will come up when you're viewing threads, and you'll be able to copy and paste your essay and post it up here for me to mark!



Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: heids on June 15, 2015, 12:25:59 pm
^ Not bad, not bad, for a guy.



... no honestly, everyone should be getting on to this!  This is the best feedback you'll ever ever get, don't be shy, share it with your friends and post away :))
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: brenden on June 15, 2015, 04:28:42 pm
If you'd like your essay marked, you won't be able to post it until you make an ATAR Notes account here. Once you've done that, a little 'reply' button will come up when you're viewing threads, and you'll be able to copy and paste your essay and post it up here for me to mark!


Hi,
I've attached my 4 body paragraphs for my King Lear essay. My teacher's main feedback was to 'elaborate on context and connect that to the argument, as well as to explain my quotes a bit. Sometimes I don't know what technique is in my quotes and whether they are the best ones to use.
Thanks,


Cool! Let's go.



Before we get into this, I'm going to give you a little 'tip' for making virtually perfect topic sentences, every time.

Basically, it takes the structure of this:

1. [Author] verb [idea and subject matter/prompt], verbing [idea and subject matter/prompt].

OR

[Verb]ing [idea and subject matter/prompt],  [Author] [verb] [idea and subject matter/prompt].

For example:

1. Shakespeare characterises Lear and Gloucester as embodiments of impetuousness and gullibility, implying that these traits are the ultimate cause of their disillusionment and eventual downfall.

OR

2. Utilising Lear and Gloucester and embodiments of impetuousness and gullibility, Shakespeare implies that these traits will ultimately be humanity's downfall.

The reason that there are 'two' topic sentences is pretty obvious, as they're each inverses of the other. I.e., the start of once sentence is the end of the second sentence, and vice versa. The only reason for this is to mask that you're using a pattern. This means that you won't have 3-5 topic sentences that are structurally exactly the same. Instead, you have one or two topic sentences that take the form of Pattern 1, and one or two topic sentences that take the form of Pattern 2. (You'll notice that the first three of your paragraphs starts with "Shakespeare <verb>").

This is the pattern I teach to my students, because it's quick, easy, reminds you to present your paragraph idea and link the idea to the prompt, and will almost always start the paragraph off well with strong expression.

Feel free to ask questions of course. (To the people who are reading this as a 'guest', you'll need to make an ATAR Notes account before you see the option to reply.


PARAGRAPH 1: Lack of insight into the mechanisms of deceptive individuals
Shakespeare implies that the gullible and impetuous nature of mankind, embodied in the characters Lear and Gloucester, as the cause of their disillusionment and eventual downfall. I like the idea within this topic sentence; however, I feel like that bit you have inserted between the commas impacts negatively on the sentence's clarity. It's a 'roundabout' way of saying what you want to say, so I feel like the revisions outlined above would be a 'punchier' start to the paragraph. (Also see the last essay I gave feedback on - you generally want to write "embodies" instead of "embodied".Shakespeare’s depiction Similarly to the embodies/embodied thing, you want to say "Shakespeare depicts" instead of "Shakespeare's depiction" (usually). You might say "Shakespeare depicts Lear's abuse of power, lack of empathy, and bad judgment to reflect the widespread discontent of the court due to Henry VIII’s lack of moral authority during his rule" -- just to clear things up a bit. of Lear’s abuse of his power and position, as well as his lack of empathy and judgement, reflects the widespread discontent due to Henry VIII’s lack of moral authority during his rule. Lear’s absolute authority at the beginning of the play is seen in his monologue “Know that we have divided in three our kingdom… while we unburdened crawl toward death”. Lear’s imperative language as he addresses the storm, “Blow, winds and crack your cheeks! Rage, blow, you cataracts and hurricanoes, spout till you have drenched our steeples” implies that Lear has lost touch with reality as a consequence of this lack of judgement. The image of Lear, mad, destitute, and removing his clothes in “Off, off you lendings. Come, unbutton here” reinforces Lear’s pitiful and helpless state, and presents a stark contrast to the power and wealth he was depicted with in the beginning of the play. In the Gloucester subplot, the metaphor “I have no way, and therefore want no eyes: I stumbled when I saw” shows Gloucester’s epiphany that he was blind to the scheming mechanisms of Edmond when he still had his eyes, and ironically is able to see his true nature clearly now that he has lost his sight. When Gloucester attempts to suicide, his rail to the gods, “O you mighty gods! This world I do renounce, and in your sights shake patiently my great affliction off” exemplifies his despair and disillusionment. Lear and Gloucester’s deterioration from men of immense power into their respective states of madness and blindness substantiates Shakespeare’s assertion that the rash and credulous nature of individuals is a fatal human flawStuff in red is BEAST. Awesome!

So, you'll notice I didn't add comments after each sentence or anything like that, but that's because the mistake you're making is more structural than it is sentence-by-sentence.

Your teacher said that you should 'explain your quotes a bit', so just take a look back at the stuff that I've highlighted in orange. Basically, there's an equal amount of quoting and an equal amount of non-quoting in that small block. So, you've got a really high concentration of quotes going on, which makes it hard for you to properly focus on the quotes. You've got a 'quantity' over 'quality' kind of thing going on.


Take a look at the paragraph that I've put within the spoiler.
Spoiler
Rose condemns the adversary system of trial, utilising the dialogue of his characters to demonstrate the ways in which the Western judicial system can promote a miscarriage of justice. As some minor discussion precedes the beginning of the jury’s deliberation, Rose conveys how the juror’s interpretation of the case is already corrupted by the eloquence of the State’s counsel. As Twelfth Juror remarks, “What’d you think of the prosecuting attorney? I liked the way he hammered home his points, one by one, in logical sequence”, Rose comments on the injustice of the State using their monetary power to create a case with “no dead spots” when the accused can afford no such luxuries. Such discrepancies between lawyers manifest themselves into the juror’s discussion and subsequent behaviour, as Eighth Juror comments, “I would have asked for another lawyer.” This assertion stems from another way in which the adversary system of trial enables misuse of power; it allows fallible witness testimony. In a judicial system entirely centred around concepts on winning and losing, Rose demonstrates how the power of witness testimony – and the importance it holds with the justice system – has the ability to establish a ‘winning’ case for the prosecution rather than establish the reality of events. Such power can be seen in the juror’s assertions that “that’s the whole case!” and “you couldn’t change my mind if you talked for a million years”, when in reality “no one ever will [know what happened]”. Thus Rose’s opinion on the structure of the justice system and the importance it places on witness testimony is conveyed by the negative portrayal of such things within Twelve Angry Men. Hence, the abuses of power are firmly demonstrated by the playwright’s depiction of the justice system.

This is a paragraph that I wrote a few years ago under exam conditions when I was closer to your age, and I would rate it as 'pretty good'. You'll see that the expression is decent, the analysis is deep enough, and the flow isn't stuttered or anything like that. You'll also notice at least three things about my quotes. 1) Most of them are very short. 2) They all work seamlessly into my own grammar, and 3) I analyse most of them quite a lot, so the paragraph is mostly analysis.

This is what you want to go for.

Lear’s absolute authority at the beginning of the play is seen in his monologue “Know that we have divided in three our kingdom… while we unburdened crawl toward death”. Lear’s imperative language as he addresses the storm, “Blow, winds and crack your cheeks! Rage, blow, you cataracts and hurricanoes, spout till you have drenched our steeples” implies that Lear has lost touch with reality as a consequence of this lack of judgement. The image of Lear, mad, destitute, and removing his clothes in “Off, off you lendings. Come, unbutton here” reinforces Lear’s pitiful and helpless state, and presents a stark contrast to the power and wealth he was depicted with in the beginning of the play[/u].

Hopefully that gives you a visual representation of how many quotes you've got in such a short amount of space. The bits that I've underlined   is better. See, for that quote in the underlining, you've got quite a bit more in the way of explanation. You could go even further by saying why it shows that he's in a pitiful state (like, just add maybe another sentence that 'connects the dots' for the reader to truly flesh out your analysis. Check out this close reading on Hamlet as an example of how one might write about Shakespeare and 'explain' quotes more.

In terms of your concern about not knowing if they're the "right" ones to use... Well, this just comes with practise, but it isn't a huge concern. It's true that there can be a 'perfect' quote, and it's amazing if you can pull it out of your hat, but you can still hit the criteria in all the right ways by using decent quotes, so long as your writing and analysis are both top notch. Just keep writing and thinking critically about the language you're quoting, and you'll start to realise that some quotes will 'do more' for you than others. Basically, the bit in your first paragraph after the orange was really good, and that's the type of analysis you want to get at. However,  you want to do this for more of the paragraph. The best quotes are the ones that are going to allow you to write insightful and perceptive analysis, like you've done in the second half of the paragraph.




Your other paragraphs:

To make your teacher happy, I would have drawn more on the difficulties of Elizabeth 1 that you alluded to at the start of your paragraph. What I would have done was, about halfway through your paragraph when you're starting to get right into the nitty-gritty/bulk of your quoting/analysis, refer back to Elizabeth in terms of your analysis. I mean, as part of your analysis, write something like, "This is one fundamental influence that Elizabeth had on the work, as [character] is impacted by [gender/legitimacy]. Ultimately, this allows Shakespeare to explore the nature of legitimate rule and [bla bla bla...]"

So, when your teacher says to 'elaborate on context' and to 'connect that to the argument'... you connect the context to the argument through allowign the context to shape your analysis in some ways, as I just outlined. When you allow the context to filter through to your analysis, that's "connecting" the context to your argument (because your analysis IS the bulk of your argument). In order to allow the context to come through in your analysis, you'll obviously have to talk about it a little bit more so that you can jump from the 'details' of the context to the analysis of the play. If you're using the TEEL structure, when you come to the 'explain' bit, just explain the connection between the quote/the play and the context that you can discuss, and this will naturally see you elaborating and connecting the context to your argument!

Also refer to your fourth paragraph. You mentioned Christianity, but then only implicitly deal with it through the themes of your quotes, whereas closer to the middle of the paragraph you could reintroduce the concept of redemption/justice as shaped by the historical/social context by explicitly mentioning how that context has filtered into Shakespeare's language or construction of the play. Third paragraph, mentioned succession, but then you'd want to explicitly 'bring it back' later in the paragraph and discuss with more attention.

In fact, refer to the paragraph I left you in the spoiler. You'll notice that it's talking about justice, the adversary system of trial, and the state's power. All of these things are closely linked to the historical context (1950s, which saw some pretty crazy stuff happening in America), and I filter in/intersperse this context into the entire paragrpah. This is sort of what you need to get closer to



Basically, your stuff is really good, but your teacher is pretty on point when she says explain your quotes and be inspired more by the context. There's no point going in detail over all three paragraphs, because your writing is pretty decent, and you don't make unique mistakes in each of the paragraphs. Everything I've said in this post refers to all of your paragraphs.

IN SUMMARY:

- Deal more directly with the context within your analysis.
- Be more patient with your quoting. Do it less, and use short quotes often, giving your evidence the attention it deserves. Remember that there are people out there that write entire theses on just one scene!
- Remember to completely integrate your quotes into your own grammar
- At times, be more 'direct' with your writing (outlined in the topic sentence rant).


Let me know if you need any further assistance, or have any questions about what I've said! Probably just smashed you with a tonne to take in, so totally happy to talk it over with you a little bit more LOL.



If you'd like your essay marked, you won't be able to post it until you make an ATAR Notes account here. Once you've done that, a little 'reply' button will come up when you're viewing threads, and you'll be able to copy and paste your essay and post it up here for me to mark!

Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: jaimebaker97 on June 15, 2015, 07:37:32 pm
Hello :)
I do Advanced English and this is my Module C essay. The Question was "analyse and discuss representations of politics and people in the text Wag The Dog with at least one related text"
If you could give me some feedback that would be awesome! I'm mostly worried that I haven't fully addressed the question and that my connections between texts are weak.
Thank You!!



  Representations of people or politics differentiate in the publics view depending on how they are perceived to see it, such as through the manipulation of the media. This can be explored through the texts “Wag The Dog” by Barry Levinson, “Paleo Pete” by A Current Fair (Channel Nine) and “American Way Of War” by Los Angeles Times. The use of literary, film and visual techniques allows the analysis of how conflicting perspectives result from different interpretations of the same facts.

  Media holds a powerful leverage upon the general public, especially American. “Wag The Dog” explores how the influence of media can manipulate a society's opinion or views on an event or situation. The black comedy satirises the belief the American population holds in the media. The metaphor of “wagging the dog” is underlined throughout the entirety of the film establishing how easily the media influences the general population; this is seen through the merchandising of the war. A close up shot of a propaganda shirt with “Fuck A Albania” printed across it in bold letterings is a strong example of the impact of television, although public have no hard proof of the war with Albania for themselves, they are quick to support the war when told by the media. A ‘badge of honour’ stating “Reelect the President” is also pinned to the shirt portraying how a whole population is able to overlook an event so serious as the President molesting a twelve year old girl when told to by a television screen. Wag the Dog' repeatedly exemplifies society's complete trust in the imagery of media presented to them, and subsequently their seduction by political propaganda. A similar idea is evident in the political cartoon “The American Way Of War” which satirises the way Americans can merchandise tragedies so serious as the Afghan war. This is shown through the use of the rule of thirds to exemplify the barrier between a public controlled by the media and true reality. In the foreground we see a soldier walking into darkness, symbolising him entering the terror of war, while the group of people in the background can be seen lounging around a television with completely comfortable body language, each of their faces is directly focused on a screen of some description. The casual dialogue of “hmmm. Gotta remember to slap one of those yellow ribbon thingies on the back of the minivan” represents the level of obliviousness the public has in relation to situations so serious as war. This obliviousness stems from the manipulative powers of the media; they are able to modify the public’s opinions to suit their means, in this situation for a profit from the merchandising. Both texts explore the way in which the media is able to direct the public’s thoughts and opinions.

  Manipulation and secrecy is evident in both the texts “Wag The Dog” and “Paleo Pete”. “Wag The Dog” explores privacy that circulates the American political system, this is satirised through symbolic lighting shown throughout the creative segment. Brean, Ames, Motss and the creative team are seated around a table discussing the execution of their fake war. The light is directly focused on the table contrasting with the darkness and shadows that engulf each member seated. This use of lighting manifests each of the characters iniquitous characterization, portraying the immoral actions they are actually committing. Ironically these actions are generally overlooked; although the person they are trying to save is completely horrific and evil, they continue with the execution of their plan as if it were any other job. The dark lighting around the characters further manifests the secrecy of what they are doing, the general public will never know the war is fake and this is where the true irony lies. The American population is completely in the dark to the manipulation and seduction; they only have knowledge of what they are being fed by the political and creative team. In comparison the Current Affair news story “Paleo Pete” derives it’s manipulation of their viewers purely from untrue statements and powerful language in order to engage the audience and direct their attention. Current Affair’s use of high modality language manifested in the context “He is popular, polarising, unqualified and dangerous” portrays their willingness to shift their audience’s opinions and belief in order to achieve their own success. Although the entire news story is based around Pete abusing the supposedly ‘dangerous’ Paleo diet for his own personal financial gain, the Paleo diet is proven to be incredibly healthy way of life. Further when looking closely at the context it is proven at the time of production of “Paleo Pete” channel nine rates were low, compared to channel sevens high ratings. This manipulation can be compared with that seen in “Wag The Dog” with both parties impacted their responder’s views for their own financial gain.


  Illusion versus reality is explored in the texts “Wag The Dog” and “Paleo Pete”. Levinson creates an ironic twist in his black comedy through allowing his viewers to witness the fabrication of the fake war. Juxposition is used throughout the duality of the two screens during the creation of the war footage, an Albanian girl running across a burning bridge with sounds of war blazing in the background and the computer screens actually manipulating the footage. The responder is able to see the fake war footage in its creation and therefore Levinson is creating an ironic twist with his use of Juxposition. While we have the knowledge that the war is an illusion, it is reality to the general public. As they have no reason to believe it to be fake. This irony is a recurring idea throughout the entirety of the film, what we see as a reality versus what the population sees as their reality in the film. A similar idea is present in the political cartoon “The American Way Of War” where split perspectives are visualized to represent the illusion of war versus its reality. On one side we see a soldier marching off to his fourth war, as stated, with a grim expression upon his face. Darkness expresses the horrors his is about to endure surround him. On the other side we see a family staring at a television, in a form being controlled by the television. The family states they “gotta slap one of those yellow ribbon thingies onto the back of the mini van” this shows they have no concept of what war really is, rather they see it as the media wants them to see it.

 


Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: turnera02 on June 15, 2015, 08:41:20 pm
Hi :)
I'm in year 11 Advanced English at the moment and this is my module B essay, the question was "Othello is defined by an inherent tension between loyalty and deception.’ In light of your critical study, how does this statement resonate with your own interpretation of Othello?" I'd really just like any feedback available as my teacher does not give much!

The binary opposites of loyalty and deception are relevant in all timeframes and societies. In Shakespeare’s Othello, the tension between loyalty and deception is highlighted in the characterisation of Othello and Iago, as well as the interactions of these various characters with the Elizabethan society at the time. Shakespeare challenges the Elizabethan society by also exploring the universal themes and concerns of jealousy, envy and racial tension, which act to contribute to the loyalty and deception in the play, ultimately shaping the play as a whole.

One of the many reasons that Othello resonates with modern audiences is because the characters are so universal. There is Iago, a typical villain, and Othello, the outsider who also happens to be the tragic hero. Both these characters are transferable among all timeframes. The protagonist and antagonist, that is Othello and Iago, are consistently comparable due to the themes of allegiance that the former is associated with, and deceit the latter is associated with. However within the actual play, Iago is seen in an admiral and positive way, due to his powerful language and ability to manipulate others, an example is when he questions Othello of Desdemona’s integrity, and reassures that he is only doing so because of his love for Othello, “I hope you will consider that what I have spoken Comes from my love”. His image of respect is seen by the repetition of ‘honest Iago’, “Honest Iago,/My Desdemona must I leave to thee” “I know, Iago,/Thy honesty and love doth mince this matter”. The contradictory statements and dramatic irony highlight the tension between the appearance of loyalty and the deception within the play, illuminating Iago’s complete power and the other characters naivety. Shakespeare emphasises through his depiction of loyalty and deceit, the power that language holds, not just in an Elizabethan era, but in modern day contexts too. 

Othello’s love for Desdemona was his destructive force, his ‘otherness’, and the ability for it to be used for Iago’s gain, contributed significantly to his downfall. Iago used his ‘otherness’ by planting the seeds of doubt in Othello’s mind, playing upon his fears regarding Desdemona’s loyalty with lies and innuendo. Dramatic irony is used heavily in regards to the development of Othello’s doubt; the audience knows who is really loyal and who is deceiving him, however Othello is completely unaware. Iago’s faith in chance, when asking Othello in Act 3 Scene 3  "Tell me but this, / Have you not sometimes seen a handkerchief / Spotted with strawberries in your wife's hand?", is the catalyst for when Othello truly believes Iago. The use of dramatic irony intensifies the deception occurring in this scene in regards to Desdemona’s infidelity, when in fact she has only been loyal. Shakespeare highlights the destruction that a clouded judgement can have, showing the devastating outcomes due to not being able to differentiate between loyalty and deceit.

Shakespeare challenges the patriarchal society of his time. Othello is a ‘Moor’, he is a notably black person in a very white society. His role as an outsider is further exacerbated as he has an important role in his society, rather than being on the fringe. However his status as a ‘moor’ ultimately destines him for destruction. Othello was once a humble and noble man who spoke with clarity and meaning “Most potent, grave, and reverend seigniors, My very noble and approved good masters…Hath this extent, no more. Rude I am in my speech…”. However he succumbs to his stereotypes when he recognises “Haply for I am black…I am to blame”. The high modality speech used illuminates the struggle with the simplest part of his identity – his foreignness. His lack of self esteem provided Iago with the basis to manipulate and further destruct Othello, using his jealousy and clouding his judgement of loyalty and deception. Shakespeare illuminates that a very patriarchal society will bring destruction – if equality is not present and racial tension exists, disaster will occur.

The universal themes of loyalty and deception are examined in William Shakespeare’s Othello. The characterisation present in the play further unifies the themes present and allows for modern day interpretation on a plethora of levels. The way in which Shakespeare challenges the Elizabethan society by exploring the timeless themes such as racial tension, jealousy and envy, further contribute to the overall unified artistic expression of human experience.


Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: patty_cakes on June 15, 2015, 09:48:50 pm
Hi Ned Nerb!

Could you please take a look at my Module B and Discovery essays for me? I would like to know how I can make my arguments more clear and concise.

Thanks in advance!!
 :) :)
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: brenden on June 16, 2015, 03:50:25 pm
Hello :)
I do Advanced English and this is my Module C essay. The Question was "analyse and discuss representations of politics and people in the text Wag The Dog with at least one related text"
If you could give me some feedback that would be awesome! I'm mostly worried that I haven't fully addressed the question and that my connections between texts are weak.
Thank You!!

"Analyse and discuss representations of politics and people in the text Wag The Dog with at least one related text"

  Representations of people or politics differentiate in the publics view depending on how they are perceived to see it, such as through the manipulation of the mediaCool idea! There are some slight expression flaws..."depending on how they are perceived to see it" -- it's a bit unclear what you're trying to say here (in that your thought just hasn't been accurately given to the reader!". This can be explored through the texts “Wag The Dog” by Barry Levinson, “Paleo Pete” by A Current Fair (Channel Nine) and “American Way Of War” by Los Angeles Times. The use of literary, film and visual techniques allows the analysis of how conflicting perspectives result from different interpretations of the same facts. I would personally have an introduction that's maybe one or two sentences longer, so you can sort of 'warm' the reader up to it as opposed to diving right in. The last sentence, I would always recommend to be a blatant statement of your contention/argument. Like, I would just write... "Hence, I think that [my argument]". Don't actually write "I think that", but that's the type of 'last sentence' I mean. Hence, Wag the Dog provides a fundamentally cynical representation of politics and people that is complemented by [other texts]. Just something nice to cap off your introduction, that also makes the point of your essay very clear. The other sentence that I would add would be a surveying of the ideas within your essay (i.e., tell the reader the essence of what you're goign to say ahead of time). It might feel repetitive when you're going to write about those things in your essay anyway - but that's okay!

  Media holds a powerful leverage upon the general public, especially American. Check out the detailed feedback I offered on topic sentences here: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking -- hopefully it helps! I like the idea in this sentence, but think it would 'sound' nicer :)“Wag The Dog” explores how the influence of media can manipulate a society's opinion or views on an event or situation. The black comedy satirises the belief the American population holds in the media. The metaphor of “wagging the dog” is underlined throughout the entirety of the film establishing how easily the media influences the general population; this is seen through the merchandising of the war. A close up shot of a propaganda shirt with “Fuck A Albania” printed across it in bold letterings is a strong example of the impact of television, although public have no hard proof of the war with Albania for themselves, they are quick to support the war when told by the media. The stuff I've highlighted in red, you should do less of, and the stuff I've highlighted in green is good! The reason I don't like the red sentences is because a) they're both of really similar, short length, and so when they're put next together they 'sound' a bit ugly, and b) they don't "add" much to the criteria - like it's not analysing, giving evidence or anything - they feel like "fluffing about" sentences. Green on the other hand is good because it starts to hit the criteria and address the question - you've got your quotes there for a reason and you use them to discuss your paragraph idea (manipulation of the media).A ‘badge of honour’ stating “Reelect the President” is also pinned to the shirt portraying how a whole population is able to overlook an event so serious as the President molesting a twelve year old girl when told to by a television screen. Wag the Dog' repeatedly exemplifies society's complete trust in the imagery of media presented to them, and subsequently their seduction by political propaganda.So, you mentioned that you were afraid of not hitting the question. Here is one place in your paragraph that you could really improve that. You'll notice that you go from the green sentences, then to the underlined sentence, and then to the blue sentence.But basically, the underlined is the same as the green. That is, there's quotes and discussion. THEN, after you've completed green, and completed Underlined, you add Blue - which is a general analysis of Wag the Dog that stems from your more specific discussion. The way I would more readily hit the question is through introducing Blue EARLIER. Green and Underlined are the same thing - so it's basically repeating the same method, right? So, before writing Underlined, I would write Blue instead, after Green. Green would be the "specifics" and then you would go to the "overarching" stuff in Blue. Like a telescope from outerspace that's super zoomed in on Australia, but then it zooms out to show the whole Earth. That's the relationship between Green and Blue. So basically, if you had Green -> Blue, instead of Green -> Underlined -> Blue --- you would create another opportunity to hit the question. Okay. So. *Take some deep breaths and recover from the rant*. The reason I say this is because the question asks you to analyse and discuss and a lot of your analysis and discussion actually comes from you EXPLORING those 'zoomed out' points after the 'zoomed in' stuff. So, do that a little bit MORE. Go Green, then go Blue, but expand on the blue stuff more! Or, you could even intersperse more blue stuff IN BETWEEN green stuff, multiple times. (Obviously you'll need to do this in the same amount of words that you currently have, so it just means putting different sentences in different places). I've tried to explain this as best I can but I also have an exam tomorrow lol, so let me know if you need clarification!! A similar idea is evident in the political cartoon “The American Way Of War” which satirises the way Americans can merchandise tragedies so serious as the Afghan war. Awesome!! This is a very successful transition sentence, that connects well with the themes you've been discussing with reference to WTD. This is shown through the use of the rule of thirds to exemplify the barrier between a public controlled by the media and true reality. In the foreground we see a soldier walking into darkness, symbolising him entering the terror of war, while the group of people in the background can be seen lounging around a television with completely comfortable body language, each of their faces is directly focused on a screen of some description. The casual dialogue of “hmmm. Gotta remember to slap one of those yellow ribbon thingies on the back of the minivan” represents the level of obliviousness the public has in relation to situations so serious as war. X This obliviousness stems from the manipulative powers of the media; they are able to modify the public’s opinions to suit their means, in this situation for a profit from the merchandising. Both texts explore the way in which the media is able to direct the public’s thoughts and opinions.

Okay, so... The second half of your paragraph is actually really cool! I love your quoting and the way you're discussing how your related text touches on the themes. BUT -- you're right, in that there's not a super strong connection between the second half of para and the first half of the para. You'll see that I put a big red 'X' at one point. There, I would add a sentence that goes something like "This discussion of obliviousness is fundamental to both texts, in that... [explain]"... Just to really tie in strongly the connection between the texts in your discussion. Basically. Your paragraph is like this...
FIRST HALF (WAG THE DOG)
SECOND HALF (RELATED TEXT)
But it could be like...
FIRST THIRD
SECOND THIRD
LAST THIRD
Like, you could intersperse the relationship between sentences more than you currently do, rather than wrapping it all up in the final sentence of the paragraph. Use words like 'similarly', 'contrarily', 'moreover', 'further', '[text] treats this notion in a similar way...'

But I do like your ideas and quotes and stuff - going really well!


  Manipulation and secrecy is evident in both the texts “Wag The Dog” and “Paleo Pete”. “Wag The Dog” explores privacy that circulates the American political system, this is satirised through symbolic lighting shown throughout the creative segment. Brean, Ames, Motss and the creative team are seated around a table discussing the execution of their fake war. The light is directly focused on the table contrasting with the darkness and shadows that engulf each member seated. This use of lighting manifests each of the characters iniquitous characterization, portraying the immoral actions they are actually committing. Ironically these actions are generally overlooked; although the person they are trying to save is completely horrific and evil, they continue with the execution of their plan as if it were any other job. The dark lighting around the characters further manifests the secrecy of what they are doing, the general public will never know the war is fake and this is where the true irony lies. The American population is completely in the dark to the manipulation and seduction; they only have knowledge of what they are being fed by the political and creative team. In comparison the Current Affair news story “Paleo Pete” derives it’s manipulation of their viewers purely from untrue statements and powerful language in order to engage the audience and direct their attention. Current Affair’s use of high modality language manifested in the context “He is popular, polarising, unqualified and dangerous” portrays their willingness to shift their audience’s opinions and belief in order to achieve their own success. Although the entire news story is based around Pete abusing the supposedly ‘dangerous’ Paleo diet for his own personal financial gain, the Paleo diet is proven to be incredibly healthy way of life. Further when looking closely at the context it is proven at the time of production of “Paleo Pete” channel nine rates were low, compared to channel sevens high ratings. This manipulation can be compared with that seen in “Wag The Dog” with both parties impacted their responder’s views for their own financial gain.

Okay, so this paragaph has a similar "story of two halves".
First half: DARK LIGHTING!!!
Second half: LANGUAGE!!!
---I do like that there are "categories" in your paragraph, because it makes it easy for your to write with organisaion, and it makes sense in the reader's mind. However, as I've already mentioned, these categories are in some way damaging your connection between the texts, even though the analysis is great for both. What's the solution? Well, something you might like to try is divindg your paragraphs (loosely) into 'quarters'.The first quarter would be WTD, then related text, then WTD, then related text. This would mean talking about dark lighting for half the amount, and introducing another idea. I think this would be good - show a little more versatility to your paragraphs and ensure they don't get "stale", and it would also help you connect. You'd just have to get your transitions right.

In terms of connecting to the question... I'm starting to wonder whether you're straying too far from "politics". Although, I guess the theme of 'secrecy' is connected directly to talking about 'people', and you're generally discussing the media, which I suppose is 'implicitly' political, but not explicitly political in the way that I think the question demands. So, I think it might do you some good to deal more explicitly with a few political points of analysis and really reinfoce the relevance of your essay to the question.



  Illusion versus reality is explored in the texts “Wag The Dog” and “Paleo Pete”. Levinson creates an ironic twist in his black comedy through allowing his viewers to witness the fabrication of the fake war. Juxposition is used throughout the duality of the two screens during the creation of the war footage, an Albanian girl running across a burning bridge with sounds of war blazing in the background and the computer screens actually manipulating the footage. The responder is able to see the fake war footage in its creation and therefore Levinson is creating an ironic twist with his use of Juxposition. While we have the knowledge that the war is an illusion, it is reality to the general public. As they have no reason to believe it to be fake. This irony is a recurring idea throughout the entirety of the film, what we see as a reality versus what the population sees as their reality in the film. A similar idea is present in the political cartoon “The American Way Of War” where split perspectives are visualized to represent the illusion of war versus its reality. On one side we see a soldier marching off to his fourth war, as stated, with a grim expression upon his face. Darkness expresses the horrors his is about to endure surround him. On the other side we see a family staring at a television, in a form being controlled by the television. The family states they “gotta slap one of those yellow ribbon thingies onto the back of the mini van” this shows they have no concept of what war really is, rather they see it as the media wants them to see it.

So! Cool paragraph. Does well to talk about representation and meaning (illusion and reality), but I feel like the second half has some slightly repetitive discussion of The American Way of War (tv analsyis etc), and it follows the same pattern of feedback as the other paragraphs. (Two halves, not stringently connected, perhaps not dealing with 'politics' explicitly enough.



I think your analysis is pretty cool, but it's given in really big blocks (each half of the paragraph) that could potentailly be split into structural quadrants. Sorry I haven't pointed out all the good bits of analysis - in a slight hurry - but believe me when I say that I do like what your'e talking about!

Otherwise: I think you're right, and you do need to deal with the questions more explicitly, and I think your discussion of related text with themes of WTD would benefit from a structural change, where you mingle in your discussion throughout the paragraph rather than the "halves".

Okey dokey -- let me know if there's anything else I can do or if something doesn't make sense! Well done - keep improving! :) :)
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: heids on June 16, 2015, 06:12:07 pm
Hi :)
I'm in year 11 Advanced English at the moment and this is my module B essay, the question was "Othello is defined by an inherent tension between loyalty and deception.’ In light of your critical study, how does this statement resonate with your own interpretation of Othello?" I'd really just like any feedback available as my teacher does not give much!

Disclaimer: sorry you landed up with me not Brenden, but since I'm 90% copying what he said for the others anyway :P, hope it's still helpful.  Also, as a VCE'er and someone who hasn't read the text, I can't comment on the textual links and don't know the criteria well enough to know what a Mod B essay should look like.
P.S. I've highlighted anything that's a bit waffly/unnecessary/doesn't actually say much or add anything blue.  Either cut it out or revise the sentence.

 
The binary opposites of loyalty and deception are relevant in all timeframes and societies. In Shakespeare’s Othello underline/italicise title of text, the tension between loyalty and deception is highlighted in the characterisation of Othello and Iago, as well as the interactions of these various characters with the Elizabethan society at the time. You could make this sentence 'punchier' by turning the 'is highlighted' (passive) into 'highlights' (i.e. the text actively does something).  I'd try: 'Shakespeare's Othello highlights the tension between loyalty and deception through the characterisation of…'  I was going to turn it into 'Shakespeare's Othello characterises Othello and Iago as… highlighting the tension between loyalty and deception.'  But it didn't work, because your sentence didn't explain specifically how these characters are characterised.  Just saying that they're 'characterised' doesn't give me much; what are they characterised as? and how does this highlight the tension between loyalty and deception?  You could make this clearer and more specific.  Shakespeare challenges GOOD!  This is active and punchy the Elizabethan society by also exploring the universal themes and concerns of jealousy, envy and racial tension, which act to contribute to the loyalty and deception in the play, ultimately shaping the play as a whole.  Act to contribute = 2 verbs, only need one.  'Ultimately shaping the play as a whole' seems stuck in to sound nice/impressive, but it doesn't actually add much.
Next thing: So what's your contention?  I don't know what you're actually arguing, overall; your three paragraphs feel a bit like three disjointed points that don't add up to an overall argument.  [copying Brenden here] You need to wrap up the intro with a sentence like 'Hence/Ultimately, I think that [my argument].' (Not using the words 'I think that', of course.

Here I'll discuss an issue you have throughout the essay: relevance.  Like in that intro, you could explain a bit more the relevance of the themes jealousy/racial tension - I can't see how they contribute to loyalty/deception in the play.  Some of your paragraphs/ideas seem only slightly related.  Even if you can see in your mind how something is related to the topic, you've got to signpost signpost signpost this to the assessor throughout.  Let's face it, the assessor's pretty dumb, they can't read your mind and if you don't bother filling in gaps, they won't either.  You've got to really really clearly specify all your links and show the development of your thought.

Making it 'relevant' doesn't just mean 'state the words loyalty and deception'.  Like obviously, you're not going to write an essay on fluffy pink rabbits, and then sandwich each paragraph with a variation on 'This demonstrates the inherent tension between loyalty and deception in Shakespeare's Othello' - because, surprise surprise, the assessor's not likely to see the link.  You can't make random claims of 'this shows this', unless you actually demonstrate that it does, and how it does.  A one-sentence link from a totally different idea from your practice essay on a different topic ... but the assessor's never going to know *wink wink*... doesn't work.  Because the assessor WILL know.


One of the many reasons that Othello resonates with modern audiences is because the characters are so universal. Here's what I mean about relevance.  From reading this TS, I simply can't see how it relates to the topic at all.  I need you to show me exactly how!  See Brenden's topic sentence structure for some help. There is Iago, a typical villain, and Othello, the outsider who also happens to be the and tragic hero. Both these characters are transferable among all timeframes. Here, you could: a) explain exactly what you mean - in what way are they transferrable? and b) think more about how it's relevant to the topic. The protagonist and antagonist, that is Othello and Iago, are consistently comparable due to the themes of allegiance that the former is associated with, and deceit the latter is associated with. Could try: 'The protagonist Othello is constantly associated with allegiance, while contrastingly the antagonist Iago is associated with deceit'.  P.S. Nice that you used the word 'allegiance' here!  Search for a couple of synonyms for key words in any prompt; it helps you avoid repeating yourself, because you can swap them up a bit.  However within the actual play, Iago is seen in an admiral admirable and positive way Here, do you mean that other characters in the play see Iago as good, whereas he is shown as a villain to the audience?  It took me a couple of reads to get this, you could be a bit clearer., due to his powerful language and ability to manipulate others Love it!  That underlined bit is clear, sounds nice, flows well, and is analytical! :),  an example is when he questions Othello of Desdemona’s integrity, and reassures that he is only doing so because of his love for Othello, “I hope you will consider that what I have spoken Comes from my love”.  His image of respect is seen by the repetition of ‘honest Iago’, “Honest Iago,/My Desdemona must I leave to thee” “I know, Iago,/Thy honesty and love doth mince this matter”. The contradictory statements and dramatic irony highlight the tension between the appearance of loyalty and the deception within the play, illuminating Iago’s complete power and the other characters possessive apostrophe naivety. Shakespeare emphasises through his depiction of loyalty and deceit, the power that language holds, not just in an Elizabethan era, but in modern day contexts too. This feels a bit back to front: I mean, it finishes off with the focus on the power of language, rather than on the prompt.  Also, again, I struggle to draw that link between your evidence and what it shows about loyalty and deceit.

Othello’s love for Desdemona was his destructive force, his ‘otherness’, and the ability for it to be used for Iago’s gain, contributed significantly to his downfall. again - how is this relevant to the topic? Iago used his ‘otherness’ explain what 'otherness' means; from my viewpoint as someone who hasn't read the text, I can't see HOW Iago uses this 'otherness' to overthrow Othello – firstly, I don't even know what the 'otherness' is, let alone how it's used! by planting the seeds of doubt in Othello’s mind, playing upon his fears regarding Desdemona’s loyalty with lies and innuendo. Dramatic irony is used heavily in regards to the development of Othello’s doubt; the audience knows who is really loyal and who is deceiving him, however Othello is completely unaware. Iago’s faith in chance, when asking Othello in Act 3 Scene 3 "Tell me but this, / Have you not sometimes seen a handkerchief / Spotted with strawberries in your wife's hand?", is the catalyst for when Othello truly believes Iago. The use of dramatic irony intensifies the deception occurring in this scene in regards to Desdemona’s infidelity, when in fact she has only been loyal. Shakespeare highlights the destruction that a clouded judgement can have, showing the devastating outcomes due to not being able to differentiate between loyalty and deceit. Love this last sentence - this is the sort of sentence you should be aiming for!  You could have developed a bit more on the 'devastating outcomes' throughout the paragraph; what horrible things happened, how did it effect the characters' lives, due to this inability to differentiate?

Shakespeare challenges the patriarchal patriarchal=male-dominated, to do with oppression of women not other races society of his time. This TS is too short, plus doesn't show relevance to the topic; I like to have two 'parts' to a TS. (see Brenden's topic sentences above)  Othello is a ‘Moor’, he “As a 'Moor', Othello is a notably black person in a very white society. His role as an outsider is further exacerbated as he has an important role in his society, rather than being on the fringe. However his status as a ‘moor’ ultimately destines him for destruction. Othello was once a humble and noble man who spoke with clarity and meaning “Most potent, grave, and reverend seigniors, My very noble and approved good masters…Hath this extent, no more. Rude I am in my speech…”. However he succumbs to his stereotypes when he recognises “Haply for I am black…I am to blame”. The high modality speech used illuminates the struggle with the simplest part of his identity – his foreignness. Really like this sentence!  Once you explain more specifically HOW the high-up speech illuminates that struggle (you can't draw links without explaining them thoroughly), this will be a brilliantly analytical sentence! His lack of self esteem provided always stick to present tense: 'provides' Iago with the basis to manipulate and further destruct Othello, using his jealousy and clouding his judgement of loyalty and deception. Shakespeare illuminates that a very patriarchal society will bring destruction – if equality is not present and racial tension exists, disaster will occur. 'Inequality and racial tension will catalyse disaster.' (again punchier)

A big thing I've noticed is that most of your quotes are long and not integrated into your own grammar very well.  Try not to dump a quote at the end of a sentence; try fitting it in your flow.  Like: “However, he succumbs to societal stereotypes when he claims he '[is] to blame' because he '[is] black'.”  Or, “His nobility and humility is evident as he addresses [I don't actually know who??] as 'most potent, grave and reverend seigniors'.”   So firstly, try to find the 'core' of the quote, the main 1-6 words that really show your point, and then paraphrase the quote by cutting out everything else.  Use ellipses ... to cut out words, and square brackets [] to change the grammar of the quote to fit it with your own sentence - e.g. '[is] black' rather than 'am black'.

The universal themes of loyalty and deception are examined in William Shakespeare’s Othello. Again another chance to make it active and punchy: Shakespeare's Othello examines the universal themes of loyalty and deception'.  Sometimes doing this also highlights to you that you're repeating yourself a bit much; the punchier you are, the more you see what you're actually doing – it points out any repetition, weak arguments, waffle or other flaws.  Thus it helps you improve in other ways! The characterisation present in the play further unifies the themes present and allows for modern day interpretation on a plethora of levels. Careful!  This is a 'nothing' sentence – it's extremely vague, and ends up 22 words that don't add anything.  You don't mention a) what the characterisation is b) what those 'themes' are and c) what the interpretations are, or what 'levels' you're talking about. The way in which Shakespeare challenges the Elizabethan society by exploring the timeless themes such as racial tension, jealousy and envy, further contributes to the overall unified artistic expression of human experience in simple English, what do you mean by that last chunk of the sentence (from 'further contributes… onward)?  I can't see the relevance or what it even means..
Your conclusion wasn't up to the level of the rest; it's a plain rehash of the intro (and the first sentence is just 'the text explores the themes the prompt said', which anyone could say so it feels a bit boring and shallow), but it's vaguer/more waffly than the intro.
Your conclusion definitely should rehash what's been said to some extent, but should aim to provide something a bit new/different.  I was always hopeless at conclusions so maybe ask Brenden how to improve it.






To work on:
> Assuming I'm not totally wrong because I'm ignorant of the criteria ::), stick like glue to the prompt!  Always keep explaining the relevance, going into more detail and being specific.
> Integrate quotes.
> Be more concise. (Not that it's a huge problem, it's just that almost everyone could benefit with this.  How about you try going through one of your past essays and seeing how low you can get the word count without taking out any content, by switching up sentences to make them punchier and cutting out any waffle words?)
> Need a contention, a general overall argument - and your 3 paragraphs have to work together to develop that.  Not three disjointed paragraphs with only some relevance to the topic.

Please forgive me for slamming you with a whole lot of pretty negative feedback!  I'm always harsh; don't take it as an attack or think I'm saying your writing is hopeless.  It's not.  It's just you have a couple of things to improve on, don't we all?

OK, being yelled at to get off my computer now, let me know if you have any questions or need anything clarifying!



If you'd like your essay marked, you won't be able to post it until you make an ATAR Notes account here. Once you've done that, a little 'reply' button will come up when you're viewing threads, and you'll be able to copy and paste your essay and post it up here for me to mark!
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: brenden on June 17, 2015, 08:58:04 pm
Hi Ned Nerb!

Could you please take a look at my Module B and Discovery essays for me? I would like to know how I can make my arguments more clear and concise.

Thanks in advance!!
 :) :)

Hey Patty! Module B up first :)
Edit: I just read the discovery essay, and I'd be mentioning the same strengths and weaknesses, so decided not to worry about it... However, I'd love to see you come back with another essay, focussing on writing naked sentences and see how much improvement we can get out of you :)



William Butler Yeats provides a clear insight into his personal and universal spheres shaped by the events of his tumultuous context through which he experienced the full extent of tensions between stability and change "by the events of his... context", "through which he experienced"... --- the first one doesn't make sense, and the second one could be more concise! I know what you mean by personal sphere, but what about that sphere is universal? Does that adjective add much to the sentence? I can tell what happened in this sentence. You had something to say, and then you thought it "wasn't enough" or "could be improved with language" and tried to jazz it up. If so, you made the wrong call! Basically, here's the meaning I got from your sentence: "William Butler Yeats provides a clear insight into his own personal reality, marred by the tension between stability and change". Is that about what you were trying to say? I think so, but look how many extra words you used! Go down to the bottom and read the stuff I've marked with **. . As such, he attempts to make meaning of the world around him through his purposeful treatment of structure, context and language when we speak of an author's 'treatment', we normally talk of their depiction of a particuarl theme. I.e., "his treatment of violence", so "his treatment of language" seems out of place (unless he actually discusses language). here, i think you're actually trying to talk about how the author USES language, which is different to how the author treats language – allowing his literary canon to transcend their unique contextual backdrop to remain relevant to responders across time This last bit about timelessness is a good idea, and the language isn't "too much" (but it almost is). I have a feeling that all of your conciseness could be found by taking a step back on what you think "good" writing should look like (as per the red asterisks) . Yeats’ early poem The Wild Swans at Coole (1919), effectively responding to his prevailing anxiety, is the start of his transition into archaic language, challenging the audience’s perception regarding the change into an apocalyptic world. The Second Coming (1920) shifts from the personal to universal sphere, his concerns validated by the sociocultural forces of his twentieth century context, where a time of war and conflict forces him to search for stability within a fluctuating modern era. His final, and most vivid, poem Leda and the Swan (1924) anchors the consequences of man’s creative and destructive nature, as well as his moral decline into an ungovernable spiral. It is Yeats’ skilful manipulation of the poetic form that platforms his search for stability in a tumultuous epoch of human history to be recognised and understood by his audience. I actually love all of your ideas (as much as I can get them out of your introduction), but it's saddening that sometimes the ideas don't speak for themselves, and instead they're spoken for by language that's a bit over the top. This introduction would be nearly perfect if it wasn't for the language, which was taking attention away from the good ideas - the ideas that will be getting you marks more than any 'impressive' language will

The Wild Swan at Coole is a deeply personal poem unnecessarywhere Yeats demonstrates the duality of change and is the beginning of ideas of anarchy also seen in The Second Coming and Leda and the Swan. Revision: In 'The Wild Swan', Years explores the dualiy of change and establishes his initial anarchist ideas which he expands in both 'The Second Coming' and 'Leda and the Swan'. You'll notice that my sentence is a bit more blunt, but seems a lot more clear. RED ASTERISKS!! Yeats purposely forms a Romantic union between nature and mankind, “The trees are in their autumn beauty...Under the October twilight” through cyclical images of times, days and seasons coool idea! and the language in this sentence is good. it's not 'too much'. Ironically, these two dichotomous objects subjects is probably better than objects, and are they necessarily dichotomous? will soon be segregated in The Second Coming revision: add, 'as', “things fall apart; the centre cannot hold”. The change, resulting from the segregation, is elucidated to using recurring motif a bit unclear. recurring is built into the definition of motif. So you could just as easily - and much more simply say - 'change is a motif'. , “Companionable streams...drift on the still water”, reflecting the duality of the unpredictability of change and the predictability of the inevitability of change. The final line of the poem, “Delight men’s eyes when I awake some day / To find they have flown away?”, uses a rhetorical question to serve as a melancholic resignation of humanity itself. The jarring nature of change in The Wild Swans at Coole spurs humanity’s predictable destruction, an idea that is further emphasised in The Second Coming and Leda and the Swan.You should go and read my feedback of this guy's essay: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (particularly in the spoiler ---- in the spoiler is relevant to how you can be more clear with your arguments)

As a late Romantic, Yeats abhorred such destruction and voices this in The Second Coming, slowly replacing the tranquillity in The Wild Swans at Coole, influenced by the forces of World War One and the Easter Rebellion of 1916, events heading new depths of conflict and chaosa bit of a long sentence, but it's not as "over the top" as other sentences, so i don't mind it. like the reference to romanticism, the accurate (but not superfluous) description "abhorred". The multiple caesuras such as “things fall apart; the centre cannot hold” create a jarring rhythm to reflect the deep discord and anxiety felt by societyI LOVE THE GREEN! WHAT PERCEPIVE ANALYSIS during the cataclysmic era of human history where even civilian cities were transformed into battlegrounds by aerial bombardmentARRRGH but then the orange kills it! Aerial bombardment???? -- idgaf about aerial bombardment! Tell me about rhythms! Tell me about discord and anixety!!!--- okay, in all seriousness, when you write 'aerial bombardment' at the  end of this sentence, it takes the reader's attention away form what it SHOULD be on, which is your SICK analysis of the language structures - that's the stuff that's really getting you marks. i would like to see this sentence revised in a way that places ALL of the emphasis on the jarring rhythm. WOW that's such good analysis. this is what i mean in the red asterisks and the stuff i said at the end of hte intro --- LET YOUR GOOD IDEAS SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES AND DONT TRY TO SPEAK OVER YOUR GOOD IDEAS. This effect is furthered coi love that you're about to follow it up in “turning and turning of the widening gyre” describing diametrically driven forces which when me together induce a change that is paradoxical to that of the previous era hmm, feel like it's a bit 'OTT', not too sure what you're trying to get at. Amidst the apocalyptic imagery in The Second Coming, emerges a sense of possible salvation through the Biblical allusion to the Apocalypse in Genesis, evident in “Surely some revelation is at hand; / Surely the second coming is at hand”.good! good analysis, that speaks for itself Yeats’ images then move from ambiguous to increasingly specific, describing a creature with “the body of a lion and the head of a man”, alluding to the ‘sphinx’, a creature of Ancient Egyptian mythology that is praised for its omnipotence and strength. Hence, Yeats reveals that the ongoing movement of time will induce a universal and cataclysmic change. The paradoxical statement “mere anarchy is loosed upon the world” i don't see the paradox? is it because the anarchy is 'mere'?furthers the loss of hope for all salvation reflecting Yeats’ contextual despair. As such, The Second Coming, which is rich in imagery serves as a transitory poem from tranquillity in The Wild Swans at Coole to the morbidly archaic graphics in Leda and the Swan resulting from the tension between stability and change. Dude. I straight up fucking love your discussion of the poetry, the language, the imagery. You 'get it', you know? Some students, quiet particularly with poetry, won't 'get it', and you've clicked, but you're (unfortunately) discussing such great ideas with language that's insecure. it's insecure in that, it's like you're trying to 'cover something up' with your language (as if you think the ideas are bad and the language needs to make up for it), but instead, the language is 'covering up' good ideas! Again, RED ASTERISKS. Get naked, then dress it up. Your essays will scream band 6.

Leda and the Swan, the final transition into anarchy, demonstrates the cataclysmic effects of the tension between stability and change imbued with apocalyptic imagery suggesting violence and loss of control too much in the sentence. . Such tension is shown to be the result of the struggle between man’s creative, docile nature and his innate capacity for carnageThis is a naked sentence. and it's a fkn COOL idea.. This struggle is symbolised by Leda’s rape by Zeus with the alliteration and adjective in “A sudden blow: the great wings beating” and “He holds her helpless breast upon his breast” in a Grecian context to emphasise the universality of such a struggle. However, the complete overpowering of man’s compassionate spirit is highlighted by the asyndeton when “Leda’s thighs are caressed…rape caught”, accelerating the poem’s rhythm to suggest man’s loss of control over his destructive capacity – a capacity that Yeats believed had been unleashed through the First World WarCOOL – a direct result of the tension between stability and change, perpetuated by man’s thirst for power. This is a reflection of mankind’s brutal treatment as the peaceful gyre in The Wild Swans at Coole recedes, clearly seen in “trees in their autumn beauty”, and is replaced by the destructive consequential gyre of the twentieth century. The final of Yeats’ three poems succinctly demonstrate the consequences of man’s transition from peace to anarchy through structure, language and context.

The poet and prominent public figure, William Butler Yeats, manifests his personal concerns by the events of his context and extends this to a universal sphere. Hence, the tensions between stability and change, in the plethora of recurring apocalyptic imagery, symbols and poetic devices emphasising man’s destructive nature and loss of moral foundations are elucidated. As such, The Wild Swans at Coole, The Second Coming and Leda and the Swan express Yeats’ turmoil at being confronted with the erosion of stable, humanistic values and the changes brought about by events such as World War One and the Easter Rebellion.

** What makes beauty? Think about this question.
Does something need to be impressive to be beautiful? I think the answer must be know. A butterfly can be beautiful, but need not be impressive.
Does something need to be grand, and larger than life, to be beautiful? Not the case. I've seen women wear beautiful albeit very subtle rings on their fingers.
We could go on about beauty for a while, but quite predictably it would be difficult to nut out a definition, or a set of criteria that we can use to measure what's "beautiful". However, one good description of beauty is something that gives you a moment of full appreciation. When you see a difficult try and conversion, you'd call that beautiful, because you'd appreciate what skill it took.
This is how I like to measure writing. I'll give you a piece of writing that you'll appreciate in the spoiler:
Spoiler
“This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety. Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals–sounds that say listen to this, it is important.”
Wow! How cool is that, right? The reason this works as a piece of writing is because the writing speaks for itself. There's nothing too 'fake' about it. It's special just... because. It's not special because of big words, and it's not special because the subject matter is particularly impressive. It's just... cool.
But somewhere along the lines we pick up that good writing is meant to be 'fancy'. That we should use words like "tumultuous" and "universal spheres" in order for our writing to be good. But this is a crock of shit! Absolute nonsense. Writing is nothing more than a form of communication. When you communicate well, you write well. The quote in the spoiler communicates extremely well, because it's trying to communicate the idea that variance in sentence structure improves writing. And it does that, through showing us the impact such variance can have! Very cool. You want to be almost blunt. Start blunt, then add some 'zazz'.
I'm telling you this because I want you to cut your sentences back, and I want you to write 'naked'. Write naked sentences until you feel you're supremely clear and concise, and only then start to dress your sentences up.  --- but only ever so slightly. If you do this, you'll be one of the best writers in the state. And that's only because it's psychologically difficult to do this --- we all have too much of an ego to write simply! We want to show how smart we are. Have a look at this: http://www.jimpryor.net/teaching/guidelines/writing.html
Which is one of the first places I started to learn about good writing. Strip your sentences back and build from there.




I would love for you to read up on 'minimalism'. I'll be honest in saying that it's my preferred writing style - i like to read minimalist writing, and I like to write minimalist writing (most of the time), BUT, I still think it's what you need. As I've mentioned, you aren't letting the ideas speak for themselves, and so, in answering your question,

"How do I be more concise and clear?"

there aren't actually any 'tips' or 'techniques' I can offer you. For, you don't have an issue with rambling. If you rambled (and weren't concise), I could say "use a full stop every 20 words". That would stop you rambling, and make you (hopefully) more concise. However, your lack of concision and lack of clarity is not due to any lack of skill. Rather, they're reflective of a misapplication of skill. That is, you're a skilled writer, making wrong decisions.

What I'm saying is that you're choosing a particular method of writing that is in actuality damaging your ability to be concise and clear. However, you have the skills to be concise and clear, but haven't been encouraged to make the right decision (or should I say the write decision lol). So, when I say "strip your writing back" - it's not a cop out, it's the biggest tip I can give.
 
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: jamesey on June 19, 2015, 09:38:20 pm
Hello! So this is a Mod A essay on 1984 & Metropolis.  Your help sounds amazing and I'm a victim of a teacher who writes 1 sentence feedback  :'(
Also it'd be cool if you could mark harshly. Thankyou!
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: brenden on June 21, 2015, 03:24:07 pm
Hello! So this is a Mod A essay on 1984 & Metropolis.  Your help sounds amazing and I'm a victim of a teacher who writes 1 sentence feedback  :'(
I'm sorry to hear this.


Spoiler
Quote
Lang and Orwell have different visions of state control. How have these visions been represented and how have they been shaped by the particular social, political and cultural contexts of each composer?

Control is a power derived from fear, and the use of technology to demean an individual from their role and purpose in society. The concept of state control is shaped by social, political and cultural features but holds its fundamental values throughout any ages. Fritz Lang’s film Metropolis is set in a dystopian society to explore the dangers of control inherent in capitalism and industrialism. Similarly, George Orwell’s novel 1984 represents this notion of power through the relationship between the totalitarian government and its powerless citizens. In both texts, we see depictions of dystopian societies of stripped humanity and divided classes, with each text produced shortly after periods of historic conflict and upheaval and thus we are presented with the outcomes of social, political and cultural contexts on each text and how this shapes the concept of state control.

Throughout history, the driving force of state control has always been a form of hierarchical social classes. Lang’s cinematic depiction of social divide in Metropolis was produced shortly after the German revolution of the Weimar Republic. Lang uses expressionistic imagery, and the strong contrast of light and shade, characteristic of German Expressionist Cinema to distinguish the two classes inhabiting the futuristic city. Repeated shots of a synchronised mass of workers are depicted in uniform black, trudging mechanically at the beginning of the film accompanied with low brass music to establish a dystopic setting. With slumped postures, they exit cage-like gates at a slower pace; suggesting work draws the life out of them. This opening sequence is juxtaposed with the light colours and open spaces of the upper city, particularly the Eternal Gardens. While workers trudge into dark tunnels, Freder, the protagonist and other sons of Metropolis’ elite run freely in an Eden-like setting, beneath towering walls and statues. This stark contrast between the upper and lower classes reflects the inequality of the time and the extent of control over the working class.

Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four offers a more complex scenario of an oppressive state control regime that maintains power through propaganda, subtle psychological controls, and fear. Following the fascism and totalitarian regimes of Hitler’s Nazi Party and Stalin’s Soviet Union, Orwell creates a dystopian society of satirical extremes in which every aspect of an individual’s life, including their thoughts, are the subject of control strategies. This is implemented in the name of Big Brother, a symbol of trust and protection, yet ironic in that he represents oppression and control. This is shown by Party slogans such as “Big Brother is watching you” that resonates a form of fear and allows them to indoctrinate an easily influenced mindset. This psychological process is backed up by constant reminders that “life is better now” and “the party is prosperous”, and as a result leads people to believe what they are told. The extent of their indoctrination is further represented in the motto “War is peace, freedom is slavery, ignorance is strength,” where the oxymoron is symbolic of the warped truth and reality. Such an extent of psychological control through the use of propaganda and fear is reminiscent of Stalinist Russia and Nazism in Germany that was observed by Orwell.

In Metropolis, the upper class assures state control by the stripping of individuality from the working class. The City of Workers is a metaphor to the harsh events of industrialisation in WWII. This representation is assisted with low-angle shots of large machines towering over workers, of who flex and gyrate in unison to the gears and pistons of the machines as seen in the hands of the clock where they are portrayed as an extension of the machine. This shows the dehumanising nature of work in an industrial setting. Religious connotation is referred to through Moloch, a satanic deity that highlights the workers’ enslavement to industrialism. With fast paced music to emphasise the fear, Moloch is seen to open its mouth, consuming numerous workers hence symbolising the sacrifice of humans for industrial progress. Lang further conveys this notion of dehumanisation through an allusion to the “Tower of Babel” where the loincloths and shaved heads of the slaves reflect those of the workers in Metropolis. By using computer-generated imagery, he merges the mass of workers into the shape of a hand to emphasise the depersonalisation, where the slaves have become tools to serve the greed of the capitalists. Lang draws the similarities between the two stories, foreshadowing the downfall of Metropolis as a result of the misuse of power over the working class.

Similarly, 1984 explores the abuse of power by authorities and how this leads to the loss of individuality. This was influenced by the Hitler and Stalin regimes that both required the destruction of individuality in order to promote the party’s needs over the individuals. This is explored in the party’s implementation of “newspeak” that removes the possibility of rebellious thought by changing negative terms such as “bad” into “ungood”. With such a thorough control over language, the party is able to create and dictate a whole generation of brainwashed and subservient population. This is most prominent in the party’s discouragement of love, realising it as a threat thus labelling sex for enjoyment as “sexcrime”. Marriage is only permitted if state sanctioned as it may lead to “ownlife”, which is individuality and eccentricity, a trait the party aims to abolish. Loss of identity is personified in Parsons who feels “a sort of doleful pride” to his daughter who “nipped off to the patrols” resulting in his arrest. His odd reaction demonstrates the extent of his indoctrination to party ideologies and inability of original thought. Violence and abuse of power is utilised to eliminate disloyalty and assure state control by ultimately forming a race absent of individual thought.

In conclusion, both composers share similar, yet different ideas on the concept of state control. These differences and similarities are influenced by their respective contexts and time, such as World War II and Nazism as well as Stalinism in Russia. By composing creative pieces, they are able to warn audiences about the abuse of power and rebellion, thus presenting meaningful messages.

Lang and Orwell have different visions of state control. How have these visions been represented and how have they been shaped by the particular social, political and cultural contexts of each composer?

Control is a power derived from fear, and the use of technology to demean an individual from their role and purpose in society Is control the use of technology, necessarily? Be specific, but be accurate! My thoughts on opening sentences at at the start of the essay I marked here . The concept of state control is shaped by social, political and cultural features but holds its fundamental values throughout any ages Does the concept of state control have its own values? What does it meant to have values? -- An accuracy/specificity thing again. (I know it seems petty and like I'm being overly picky, but trust me, the difference between an essay where I stop once or twice and go "well, that expression is technically a bit off" and an essay where I never need to stop and say the same is a BIG difference. When you eliminate these little 'technicalities' from your writing, it will start to look bold and brilliant. I also feel like there's a 'disconnect' between these first two sentences and your next sentence, where you've tried to give context, but it was not specific/accurate enough to be relevant in the right ways.. Fritz Lang’s film Metropolis is set in a dystopian society to explore the dangers of control inherent in capitalism and industrialism. Similarly, George Orwell’s novel 1984 represents this notion of power through the relationship between the totalitarian government and its powerless citizens. In both texts, we see depictions of dystopian societies of stripped humanity and divided classes, with each text produced shortly after periods of historic conflict and upheaval and thus we are presented with the outcomes of social, political and cultural contexts on each text and how this shapes the concept of state control. In the last portion of this introduction, I feel you've been foggy on the topic. You've sort of approached it a little bit sort of, but you haven't like... grabbed that topic and gone "LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS LIL MOTHER F***ER!" I feel like you done quite talk about the context surrounding the creation of the texts, and whilst you mentioned the different in depiction of state control, I feel as if you don't specifically - like REALLY GRITT, GRRRRR,  TYPE SPECIFICALLY - talk about the representation. Plot differences? Language differences? Thematic differences? (Or similarities). Basically, I'd want you to be a little bit more bold and specific in your intro and get dirty with the topic deconstruction, so by the end of the introduction I know what you're truly trying to say.

Throughout history, the driving force of state control has always been a form of hierarchical social classes. Lang’s cinematic depiction of social divide in Metropolis was produced shortly after the German revolution of the Weimar Republic. Lang uses expressionistic imagery, and the strong contrast of light and shade, characteristic of German Expressionist Cinema to distinguish the two classes inhabiting the futuristic city This is so perfectly discussing the prompt that it's beautiful.. Repeated shots of a synchronised mass of workers are depicted in uniform black, trudging mechanically at the beginning of the film accompanied with low brass music to establish a dystopic setting. With slumped postures, they exit cage-like gates at a slower pace; suggesting work draws the life out of them. This opening sequence is juxtaposed with the light colours and open spaces of the upper city, particularly the Eternal Gardens. While workers trudge into dark tunnels, Freder, the protagonist and other sons of Metropolis’ elite run freely in an Eden-like setting, beneath towering walls and statues. This stark contrast between the upper and lower classes reflects the inequality of the time and the extent of control over the working class. I would have liked another sentence on the end, or more of a direct reference or explicit discussion to wrap up the paragraph. Something like "Hence, Lang's vision is represented by  bla bla stark contrast bla bla bla". The way you've done it is also decent, but I personally would prefer the added clarity and specificity of more explicit discussion

Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four offers a more complex I like this. Not because I agree that it's more complex, but just because by using 'more', you're making comparisons, and you're one step closer to dealing with the topic adequately. scenario of an oppressive state control regime that maintains power through propaganda, subtle psychological controls, and fear. Following the fascism and totalitarian regimes of Hitler’s Nazi Party and Stalin’s Soviet Union good, Orwell creates a dystopian society of satirical extremes in which every aspect of an individual’s life, including their thoughts, are the subject of control strategies. This is implemented in the name of Big Brother, a symbol of trust and protection, yet ironic in that he represents oppression and controlexpression gets a bit clunky here.. This is shown by Party slogans such as “Big Brother is watching you” that resonates a form of fear and allows them who?to indoctrinate an easily influenced mindset. This psychological process is backed up by constant reminders that “life is better now” and “the party is prosperous”, and as a result leads people to believe what they are told. The extent of their indoctrination is further represented in the motto “War is peace, freedom is slavery, ignorance is strength,” where the oxymoron is symbolic of the warped truth and reality. Such an extent of psychological control through the use of propaganda and fear is reminiscent of Stalinist Russia and Nazism in Germany that was observed by Orwell.This paragraph deals really well with how Orwell's idea of state control is presented, but I feel it's lacking on how his view was shaped by the contexts he experienced. You mention it at the start and at the end, but you don't really discuss it, and I feel that if you were able to properly integrate that type of discussion in and amongst your discussion of Orwell's depiction, it would be pretty sophisticated and put your essay on another level.

In Metropolis, the upper class assures state control by the stripping of individuality from the working class. The City of Workers is a metaphor to the harsh events of industrialisation in WWII. This representation is assisted with low-angle shots of large machines towering over workers, of who flex and gyrate in unison to the gears and pistons of the machines as seen in the hands of the clock where they are portrayed as an extension of the machine expression got a big ugly in this sentence. This shows the dehumanising nature of work in an industrial setting why/how does it do this?. Religious connotation is referred to through Moloch, a satanic deity that highlights the workers’ enslavement to industrialism. With fast paced music to emphasise the fear, Moloch is seen to open its mouth, consuming numerous workers hence symbolising the sacrifice of humans for industrial progress. Lang further conveys this notion of dehumanisation through an allusion to the “Tower of Babel” where the loincloths and shaved heads of the slaves reflect those of the workers in Metropolis. By using computer-generated imagery, he merges the mass of workers into the shape of a hand to emphasise the depersonalisation, where the slaves have become tools to serve the greed of the capitalists. Lang draws the similarities between the two stories, foreshadowing the downfall of Metropolis as a result of the misuse of power over the working class. Again, I perhaps would have liked a slight integration on Lang's context just a little bit more.

Similarly, 1984 explores the abuse of power by authorities and how this leads to the loss of individualityI like this, that you've kept with 'loss of individuality' but are about to compare/contrast the texts on that particular notion. This was influenced by the Hitler and Stalin regimes that both required the destruction of individuality in order to promote the party’s needs over the individuals good!. This is explored in the party’s implementation of “newspeak” that removes the possibility of rebellious thought by changing negative terms such as “bad” into “ungood”. With such a thorough control over language, the party is able to create and dictate a whole generation of brainwashed and subservient population This is really good. Here, I'd perhaps offer a direct comparison with how the Party operates similarly to the Nazis with their control of language (in that the Nazi's called Jews rats etc etc) just that little bit extra historical discussion right about here is what i'm talking about when i mention integration. i feel like that would be really valuable to this essay. This is most prominent in the party’s discouragement of love, realising it as a threat thus labelling sex for enjoyment as “sexcrime”. Marriage is only permitted if state sanctioned as it may lead to “ownlife”, which is individuality and eccentricity, a trait the party aims to abolish. Loss of identity is personified in Parsons who feels “a sort of doleful pride” to his daughter who “nipped off to the patrols” resulting in his arrest. His odd reaction demonstrates the extent of his indoctrination to party ideologies and inability of original thought. Violence and abuse of power is utilised to eliminate disloyalty and assure state control by ultimately forming a race absent of individual thought.

In conclusion, both composers share similar, yet different ideas on the concept of state control. These differences and similarities are influenced by their respective contexts and time, such as World War II and Nazism as well as Stalinism in Russia. By composing creative pieces, they are able to warn audiences about the abuse of power and rebellion, thus presenting meaningful messages.Notice that your conclusion is the first time you directly reference the topic. Like, you introduce, then you 'present' a bunch of discussion, and then you conclude "See, look at what I've presented! You can extract from what I've presented that both composers have different ideas on state control that are influenced by their context", but I'd like the essay to more specifically discuss this throughout, because I felt like you were talking a lot about the texts, and just talking about what the texts show, but not strictly talking about  how the views were developed by the context as well as how they're represented. This might be frustrating feedback because the essay is actually really good, but I feel like a bit more grit and a bit more 'explicitness' would boost it even higher. You actually do a lot of things quite well, and overall I like the way you've developed your essay with four paragraphs that are still connected with one another. Well done, and a pretty good job! I feel quite tired rn so I'm aware that I might have been a bit lazy on the feedback and some of it -could-  be confusing, so please let me know if you disagree with anything I've said or have any questions etc! Good job mate :)


Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: jamesey on June 21, 2015, 04:59:32 pm
This is amazing. Thanks so much for the feedback, I've learnt a lot from just that and I'd definitely be rewriting it following those annotations. You are awesome man :)
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: brenden on June 21, 2015, 05:59:08 pm
This is amazing. Thanks so much for the feedback, I've learnt a lot from just that and I'd definitely be rewriting it following those annotations. You are awesome man :)
I'm actually super stoked that you found it helpful! :) Keep working hard, you'll smash English Advanced!
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: jamesey on June 24, 2015, 09:43:47 pm
Hi again, this is my Mod C essay on "Art of Travel". My first body is on structure, 2nd on a chapter called "On anticipation" and the last body on chapter "On the City and Landscape". My teacher is very "techniques" oriented so you'll see I've spammed as much as I could. Looking forward to the feedback :)
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: heids on June 29, 2015, 08:27:09 pm
Hey James, went to do that essay, but discovered I just don't know enough about what Mod C essays are to give decent feedback.  If you post another non-Mod-C essay, I may be able to give it a go :)
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: brenden on June 30, 2015, 07:26:18 pm
Hi again, this is my Mod C essay on "Art of Travel". My first body is on structure, 2nd on a chapter called "On anticipation" and the last body on chapter "On the City and Landscape". My teacher is very "techniques" oriented so you'll see I've spammed as much as I could. Looking forward to the feedback :)
I totally forgot about this. I'll do it tomorrow! :)
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: bahiahalwani on July 04, 2015, 12:46:52 pm
I have an essay that needs editing. I didn't get the best of marks and I don't know how to better  the essay in order to improve my future mark.
Can you please help me with what needs fixing and how to fix it. Thank you in advance.
Module B: Critical Study of Texts
Speeches, Advanced English.

The enduring power of speeches rest in their ability to transcend contextual boundaries, which can be attributed to their extraordinary appeal to a universal audience through effective rhetoric and perennial values. Anwar Sadat’s ‘Speech to the Israeli Knesset’ and Noel Pearson’s ‘An Australian History for us all’ explores underlying concepts of the human experience enduring its integrity across different contexts. The perennial value of the speeches are attributed to the underlying momentous theme and value of peace, unity and justice that will continue to resonate with audience of any context. The paradigms and spirit in these texts transcend time and retain value to contemporary audiences.

Noel Pearson’s speech ‘An Australian history for us all’ explores the underlying atrocities of Australia’s past and critiques those who discredit the injustices towards Indigenous Australians. Pearson’s success and timeless nature stems from the textual integrity and effective manipulation of rhetoric to integrate purpose and value appropriate to the responder. Noel adopts a formal and analytical tone as he exemplifies the notion of guilt from historical injustices that transcend contextual boundaries. Noel’s deliberate use of inclusive lexicon “we, us, all, Australians” encourages an open, harmonious and hopeful vision of collective reconciliation which transcends time and is culturally appropriate for all contexts. The composers personal jargon “I, my, myself” engages the audience and captures the passion and importance of reconciliation between Aborigines and Australians.

Pearson argues for appreciation of the complexities of the past and an acknowledgement rather than appealing to a feeling of guilt, thus his purpose resides. Academic evidence from contemporary, respected figures including politicians, professors and historians are employed to support Pearson’s arguments and convey its importance behind his personal and calm tone. Pearson appeals to the responder’s pathos through the use of rhetorical question, “has the so called black armband view of history been about apportioning guilt?” The colloquial term “black armband view of history” allows Pearson to connect with his audiences.

Noel further emphasises the significance of an injustice to discredit and neglect responsibility for historical atrocities as he argues through emotive language that Australians should collectively take responsibility for the “present, future and past”. He also discusses how “guilt is not a useful emotion” and thus highlights the need for humanity to take responsibility for their actions rather than embodying guilt by appealing to our pathos. The anaphora of “our nation” further underlines the responsibility for all Australians collectively to accept the past and accept responsibility; thus appealing to responders on a humanitarian level. Through effective rhetoric, Pearson’s significance stems in the noticeable specified goals of peace, unity and justice. Pearon’s decorum is very much sarcastic as he allows for colloquialism when he explicitly mentions the controversial topic of the past injustices “Australia’s colonial history is a what the Americans would call a hot button issue.” The extended metaphor “hot button” has been used to highlight his ironic tone as he invites audiences to sympathise with him against their critic. While Pearson’s speech offers textual integrity, its purpose becomes universal as audiences of any context resonate with the rhetoric and perennial values.

Like Pearson, Sadat’s ‘Speech to the Israeli Knesset’ is an excerpt that exemplifies the values of peace, unity and justice after inevitable conflict in the human condition. These principles are stemmed from the Arab-Israeli conflict, however, Sadat strategically draws on the wider international appeal to retain universal value and transcend contextual boundaries. The composer controversially contends for “the establishment of peace” and reconciliation during tense times in an apprehensive macrocosm as he insists for social and political change. The exordium of Sadat’s speech produces a peaceful and devout tone as the composer alludes and worships god in the reference “In the name of God, the Gracious and Merciful.” The allusion to Abrahamic religions continues throughout the speech as Sadat unites devout audiences through the inclusive language “We all, Muslims, Christians, Jews…” compounded by the religious reassurance “God willing” highlighting that religion is a relative factor to universal audiences that endures value and transcends time. Sadat’s purpose is made clear when he explicitly addresses the “impetus to all international efforts exerted for peace” which presents him as a world leader aspiring to establish reconciliation and unity through collective justice. The further use of anaphora through the repetition of “peace” emphasises the importance of its nature and value to Sadat.

This speech appeals to common values of peace, unity and justice utilised in a sequence of adjectival clauses in order to build a climax; which is perceived in the principle phrase “let us be frank.” It is through Sadat’s first person narration that we are able to connect and allude to his purpose and language. Sadat combines inclusive pronouns “us all” to emphasise the importance of peace through unity. Throughout the kairos of his speech he uses the cliché phrase “ladies and gentlemen” to impose that he is a dignified diplomat. As the speech concludes, Sadat illustrates images through the accumulation of vivid inclusive pronouns that have cruel connotations to condemn the atrocities of injustices of the past including “bloodshed, death, wailing of victims.” Like Noel, Sadat encourages social and political change through his rhetorical questioning “why don’t we stand together?” persuading audiences to challenge against oppression for peace and unity. The rhetoric question leaves a lasting impression on the responder and thus creates a consensus where “the bells of peace ring.” Thus, Sadat exemplifies the enduring values of peace, unity and justice that is relevant to universal audiences and the human experience.

Through critical analysis of Anwar Sadat’s “Speech to the Israeli Knesset” and Noel Pearson’s “An Australian History for Us All” we are able to explore the value of rhetoric in articulating paradigms. Their focus on human aspirations of reconciliation and peace continue to resonate in modern audiences, with their underlying compassion contributing to a universal understanding for human bonding. Despite different interpretations of the text influenced by contextual circumstances, these humanistic beliefs continue to transcend contextual boundaries.
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: heids on July 06, 2015, 05:03:19 pm
Bahiahalwani, what's the topic?  I'll give you feedback if you give me the topic :D because remember that the most important thing with an essay is its relevance and how it addresses the topic!
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: heids on July 07, 2015, 09:11:31 am
Hi there!  Welcome and hope you get lots out of this site :)

Someone else might, but I'm not giving feedback on a generic topic-less essay, sorry.

Think about it this way.  Examiners want to give you marks based on the skills you show that you have, right?  But if you churn out a beautiful but not relevant piece that you memorised, maybe you’ve just paid a tutor to write that for you.  They have no proof that you have any writing skills at all, maybe just that you’re rich!

So.  My very firm opinion: examiners will give you better marks for a mediocre writing piece that’s relevant and really addresses the topic, than a brilliantly written piece of irrelevant twaddle.  The topic is the be-all and end-all.  And you can’t trick ‘em, their x-ray glasses see immediately when you try to cram in irrelevant stuff, about what you want the topic to be, not what it is.

Sure, you want a wide range of pre-prepared ideas and nice phrases that could work – so you can then select the relevant ones.  But if in the exam you hit a hideous topic and none of your ideas quite fit, throw them out the window and start fresh and relevant.  It won’t be as impressive, but it’ll score better.  It shows that YOU actually have abilities in thinking about the prompt and coming up with your own stuff on the spot, which is what they want to see and will reward you for.  And, if you don't have a topic, what are you actually writing about anyway?  You don't have anything to say or any issue to address!

Moral of this long spiel: practise essays WITH a topic; it’s okay to write a generic essay, but more important is practising brainstorming individual topics and selecting relevant ideas.  Throw me an essay on a specific topic (that'll give you some practice adapting) and I'll throw you feedback, okay?

P.S. Sure, many people memorise AND pull it off.  But that's only through practising twisting your ideas to make them relevant, which is what I'm trying to get you to do.  Hopefully I haven't confused you further :-\
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: heids on July 07, 2015, 05:07:31 pm
Hi! Can someone please help me out and have a read over my AOS essay? Thank you :)

Errmmm, you do realise I'd copied your previous essay that you posted and deleted down into a word document ready to mark...? and while I didn't do HSC I realise an invented 'generic' essay topic when I see it.

I'm not trying to withhold feedback or attack you; I'm just saying that feedback on a generic essay isn't going to be nearly as helpful as if you've written a proper essay to a proper topic!  That's what's going to get you the marks, your ability to address a specific question.  The best advice I can give you is to practice with specific essay questions, since relevance is one of the biggest things examiners are looking for.  Seriously.  When you do that, I'll mark it.
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: zaynabb on July 07, 2015, 06:16:51 pm
Errmmm, you do realise I'd copied your previous essay that you posted and deleted down into a word document ready to mark...? and while I didn't do HSC I realise an invented 'generic' essay topic when I see it.

I'm not trying to withhold feedback or attack you; I'm just saying that feedback on a generic essay isn't going to be nearly as helpful as if you've written a proper essay to a proper topic!  That's what's going to get you the marks, your ability to address a specific question.  The best advice I can give you is to practice with specific essay questions, since relevance is one of the biggest things examiners are looking for.  Seriously.  When you do that, I'll mark it.

Okay, thanks anyways! :)
Sorry for the hassle!
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: zaynabb on July 07, 2015, 09:36:24 pm
Okay, super sorry for being heaps annoying but hey, trials are just around the corner. Here is an essay written against a question assigned by my teacher, if anyone is willing to provide any feedback. PS it has no conclusion as of yet :)

Mod C
Prescribed text: Selected poems by Judith Wright

How does the textual forms and features of your prescribed text and at least one other related material shape your understanding of People and Landscapes?

The landscape can have a powerful impact on individuals moving them both physically and spiritually. As an environmentalist and social activist, Judith Wright believed poets should be concerned with national and social problems. Her evocative connections with the landscape reflect in her poetry, forcing revaluation of humanity’s relationship with nature. Through the dramatic use of language forms and features, Wright establishes the necessity of restabilising the human condition to evoke an opportunity for reconciliation. Tim Winton’s ‘Aquifer’ uses a metaphysical journey through the blurring of landscapes to awaken consciousness and encourage self-reflection. It is through the development of language techniques that both texts critique the importance of maintaining a transcendent connection with nature as a trigger for enlightenment.

Connections with the landscape can encourage reflection and revaluation of past injustices. Flame Tree in a Quarry explores the tenuous technological impact of man on nature that can create tension, highlighting the fragility of nature. The title creates a visual image of the lone ‘flame tree’ in a barren landscape ‘the Quarry’ triggering a metaphor about the powerful forces of nature and its    fecundity following great destruction. The poet seeks personal reconciliation with the harshness of the land, stemming from her interests in environmentalism and social issues. Through the emotive description of the ‘dead’ landscape, Wright implies a body/soul connection with nature. Wright uses alliteration to personify the Quarry as a ‘broken bone’ that has been ‘stripped’, the vitriolic tone condemning the destruction of nature. Stemming from her own interests in environmentalism and indigenous land rights, the poet seeks personal reconciliation with the harshness of the land and those in it. Wright uses the simile ‘like a wrecked skull’ to reveal the impact of man’s destruction of nature. . The alliterative active imagery ‘bush of blood’ that non-literally ‘leaps out’ represents the forces of natural renewal and regrowth, becoming a symbol of injury but also healing and the potential for renewal. The poem highlights recoiling of nature because of man’s interruptions. The personification of the Quarry ‘out of the torn earth’s mouth’ signals the pain felt for the environmental destruction. As the poet empathises, she forces the reader to reconnect and reflect on the fragility of nature’s potential.

The developing relationship with the landscape can trigger concerns about the environment and man’s impact on this. Wright creates beautiful Australian symbolism transforming her land into an emotionally accepted background. In employing biblical imagery, Wright demonstrates how nature’s voice is ‘made flesh’ though ‘the singer dies’ referencing the wrecked landscape that forms the body through which the voice of the metaphoric flame tree comes. The poet uses Christian imagery ’the world’s delight/the world’s desire’ to draw on the parable of Christ’s birth as a visual representation on earth as an invisible God, the repeated words of praise becoming a religious experience. Through the synaesthesia of ’I drink/ my sight’, Wright highlights transcendence, devouring visually in a religious experience of nature and its power to transform individuals. Wright predicts the free reign given to miners resulting in violent destruction of the land. The use of the female voice of nature ‘filled with fire’ metaphorically connotes the spiritual potential rebirth of nature.  The cyclic imagery of the ‘fountain of hot joy’ becomes a metaphor to reveal the escaping blood from damaged vessels, enabling a clean reawakening of nature after great technological damages. The oxymoronic paradox of ‘life/death’ attempts reconciliation with nature to encapsulate the fertility of the land, as life comes from death. Wright implies that nature has power and it is up to man how he chooses to harness it.

The landscape can be a barrier for physical and emotional development, having a regenerative power to evoke reverence. Epiphanic visions of the poem and the neoromantic overtones of dualism ’consciousness/senses’ enable the poet to reflect on man’s insignificance in the overwhelming beauty of nature. Through visions and dreams, the poet is able to experience the wonder of the landscape, transcending into the impressive imaginative realm. The external forces of nature conflates with the internal forces of the ‘train’, becoming a vehicle for the persona’s metaphysical journey.  The poem begins with a position of entrapment as the poet is ‘Glassed with cold’, the immediate divorcement from nature becoming a springboard for the metaphysical ‘journey’. Wright uses kinaesthetic, auditory and visual imagery ‘confused/ dazzled/hammering’ to create a semi-synesthetic effect by blending the senses as the poet awakens. The conflation of tactile imagery raises inner consciousness. First person ‘I’ reiterates the disengagement from nature through a subjective voice. Much of the lyrical intensity of the verse derives from the immediate local reference of setting. The controlled rhythm form mimics the ‘hammering’ rhythm of the train, creating an unusual formal stiffness against the metaphoric and passionate subject. The half-rhyme ‘air/star’ connects all aspects of nature to create a holistic vision of spiralled growth. Through this, Wright reinforces the meditative powers of nature and its ability to transform the human condition.

Nature can inspire creativity, its life force mirrored by the composers craft in the power of creation. In encapsulating haunting images of the landscape, the poet utilises a gothic trope for revaluation of self and society within the fragility of place. The ‘dry breast’ of the landscape is metaphorically connected to the persona’s ‘heart’, alluding to the lack of nourishment to acknowledge the fragile ‘country that built my heart’. Through descriptive language of the ‘uncoloured slope’, Wright affirms the crepuscular moonlight draining the colour from the landscape, only to be filled through the poetry. Nature is represented as a violent force and Wright is unsentimental. The image of the phallic ‘ironbark’ tree penetrating the ‘virgin rock’ is unabashed in its sexual reference. Wright’s strength of voice mirrors the call on nature to use its violence for survival in the harsh landscape. The paradox ‘unloving come to life’ becomes a connection of the elemental and impersonal forces of nature that enable the tree to give birth to itself. Wrights invocations is emulated in the rhyming couplet ‘dew/you’ as she admires nature’s strength in Australia’s harsh and unyielding landscape. The persona ‘woke’ to ‘flowers more lovely than the white moon’, the simile representing awe of her new insight into nature that is able to sustain and survive on this barren landscape.

Tim Winton’s intense connections with the Western Australian landscape creates stories with an evocative representation of people and places that are quintessentially Australian. His short story, Aquifer, blurs landscape to critique the past and present melding the future. The title symbolises the Australian landscape as being only superficially dry, the integration of the dead creates more to the landscape, both human and physical, than evident on the surface. Using a retrospective tone, the story signals the moving in of the landscape as the persona ‘travels away in loops and ellipses away from the middle age’ to the suburb of his childhood, Angelus. The symbolic use of the name foreshadows a rebirth for the persona as the pieces of his childhood are put back into place. Opening with tactile imagery ‘stirred’, Winton immediately positions the reader to engage with the persona. The duality of the persona and reader embarking on the metaphysical journey becomes a springboard for reflection on how childhood landscapes shape adulthood.
Through manipulating figurative language, Winton provokes feelings and thoughts on people and landscapes. Utilising the post-colonial lens, Winton furthers the lack of connections and displacement between the settlers and the landscape as they attempt to ‘plant buffalo grass’. The recurring motif of ‘blood and bone’ strengthens Winton’s concerns to bring forth the unconscious connections with the landscape. The active imagery of the settlers ‘running havoc’ forces revaluation of notions of imperialism and the desire to control the landscape. Winton evocatively conveys through  kinaesthetic imagery how the children ‘slipped together, no straight lines’, the ordered lines of the suburbia juxtaposed with the ’twisted logs’ alluding to the life force of the landscape as an embedding force of danger and transformation. Winton’s final image of ‘the past is in us not behind us’ highlights the injustices wrought on the landscape and its inhabitants. Like Judith, Winton encourages his reader to be in awe of the power of nature as a renewing force.


Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: heids on July 08, 2015, 01:37:42 pm
That’s fine, and you’re not annoying!  I just felt that a generic essay isn’t the most helpful thing you could be doing. Unless Brenden does it first, in which case you'll have faaarrrr better feedback, I'll mark this when I get time (despite the quite generic topic), but it could be a day or two as I'm busy.  Sorry :)
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: heids on July 10, 2015, 05:02:34 pm
Well, here goes!

First want to say that your language usage is truly beautiful throughout, you've hit that balance between sounding like a grade 2 vocab and sounding like you're trying to cram in 'big words' where they don't fit.  I FULL-ON LOVE IT!  Also, you seem to have a real feel for poetry - your analysis of the rhythm, metaphors and 'feel' behind the words is at times utterly impressive.  Excellent.  In these areas, your essay is just so band-six!

But hope you cope with someone slamming you throughout, I'm the sort that just always sees the holes!  Let me know if this doesn't make sense, I'm not the most brilliant at clear logical feedback ::)



The landscape can have a powerful impact on individuals moving them both physically and spiritually. As an environmentalist and social activist, Judith Wright believed poets should be concerned with national and social problems. Her evocative connections with the landscape reflect in her poetry, forcing revaluation of humanity’s relationship with nature. Through the dramatic use of language forms and features, Wright establishes the necessity of restabilising the human condition to evoke an opportunity for reconciliation what exactly do you mean by 'restabilise the human condition'?  I'm not a fan of vague but impressive-sounding sentences; always, before you write a sentence, think 'exactly what does this mean, in plain basic English?'  +, 'evoke opportunity'=not quite the right word. Use a linking wordTim Winton’s ‘Aquifer’ uses a metaphysical journey through the blurring of landscapes to awaken consciousness and encourage self-reflection. It is through the development of language techniques that both texts critique the importance of maintaining a transcendent connection with nature as a trigger for enlightenment.  Can’t say much on the intro lol, seems really great to me.  I’d just strengthen the links/contrast between the two texts.

Connections with the landscape can encourage reflection and revaluation of past injustices. Flame Tree in a Quarry explores the tenuous technological impact of man on nature that can create tension, highlighting the fragility of nature. The title creates a visual image of the lone ‘flame tree’ in a barren landscape ‘the Quarry’ triggering a metaphor how do you ‘trigger’ a metaphor?  Wrong word.  Rephrase: The title’s vivid image of the lone ‘flame tree’ in a barren landscape, ‘the Quarry’, metaphorically highlights nature’s fecundity following great destruction.  Tip: turning a technique (e.g. metaphor) into an adverb, like ‘metaphorically [highlights/reveals/stresses/depicts]’ can make your writing smoother and nicer to read.  If you refer directly to too many techniques, and your paragraph becomes a constant repetition of ‘the author uses this technique “here” which shows…’, it gets a bit choppy, repetitious and boring.  ‘Hiding’ your techniques a bit in adverbs helps with flow and interest. about the powerful forces of nature and its fecundity following great destruction. The poet seeks personal reconciliation with the harshness of the land how do you reconcile with harshness? Cool idea, but could be expressed a bit more clearly., stemming from her interests in environmentalism and social issues. Through the emotive description of the ‘dead’ landscape, Wright implies a body/soul connection with nature. Wright uses alliteration to personify the Quarry as a ‘broken bone’ that has been ‘stripped’, the vitriolic tone condemning the destruction of nature. Avoid stating that someone uses a technique, e.g. alliteration, without explaining why they use that, the impact, how it contributes to the overall messages, how it contributes to your paragraph’s argument.  Putting in a technique for the sake of it can look like you’re just trying to impress the examiner with your metalanguage – but unless you analyse that technique, you might as well not even mention it!  The whole point is the analysis.  So as a rule of thumb, never mention a technique or quote without then going on to analyse exactly the impact of it.  Stemming from her own interests in environmentalism and indigenous land rights, the poet seeks personal reconciliation with the harshness of the land and those in it I highlighted it red to show that you’ve already said this whole sentence before – there are a couple of problems with that: a) repetition is just a bit irritating/annoying; b) it sounds like you don’t have anything else to say, so you just repeat to pad out a paragraph; and c) it takes away a sense of development or building in the paragraph.  Try to avoid repeating ideas, and if you do repeat, at least come up with a different way of structuring/phrasing the idea.. Wright uses the simile ‘like a wrecked skull’ to reveal the impact of man’s destruction of nature Here’s where you could take it to a higher level – like, I get that of course that simile reveals the impact of man’s destruction!  BUT, I want you to explain it to me.  Think of me like a 5-year-old kid – I want you to fill in every possible gap, step me through it like I’m not all there.  Explain exactly what the simile does – how does the ‘wrecked skull’ make me feel?  What is it about the choice of those particular words that really highlights man’s destruction of nature?  I mean, what you’ve got is good, but ANYONE could write that, and you don’t want to be just ‘anyone’.  You want to stand out by filling in the gaps and explaining exactly how the technique causes that overall effect. The alliterative active imagery ‘bush of blood’ that non-literally ‘leaps out’ represents the forces of natural renewal and regrowth, becoming a symbol of injury but also healing and the potential for renewal. The poem highlights recoiling of nature because of man’s interruptions. The personification of the Quarry ‘out of the torn earth’s mouth’ signals the pain felt for the environmental destruction. Again, here’s an opportunity to break out of the ‘the author uses this technique “here” which shows…’ structure, for some variety and to break up the check-listy feeling.  Instead of ‘the personification of’, a noun technique, try a verb: ‘Personifying the Quarry as…’ or ‘By personifying the Quarry as…’  You’re still including a technique, but a bit more subtly and ‘nicely’. As the poet empathises, she forces the reader to reconnect and reflect on the fragility of nature’s potential.
I highlighted two sentences blue, because I couldn’t quite see how they fitted into the rest of the paragraph.  You’re discussing throughout how Wright really highlights man’s destruction of nature, and the fragility of nature – and then at a couple of random places you mention how Wright shows the land’s regrowth/fruitfulness, which actually contradicts the rest of what you’re saying a bit.  What you’ve said is GOOD and insightful, but it doesn’t fit in.  It fits more in the next para, actually.


The developing relationship what do you mean here? Whose developing relationship?  Remember I’m a dumb idiot and don’t get what you’re sayin’ unless you explain carefully! with the landscape can trigger concerns about the environment and man’s impact on this. Wright creates beautiful Australian symbolism transforming her land into an emotionally accepted background. In employing biblical imagery, Wright demonstrates how nature’s voice is ‘made flesh’ though ‘the singer dies’ referencing the wrecked landscape that forms the body through which the voice of the metaphoric flame tree comes. The poet uses Christian imagery ’the world’s delight/the world’s desire’ to draw on the parable of Christ’s birth as a visual representation on earth as an invisible God, the repeated words of praise becoming a religious experience.  Draw further how this impacts the audience and makes them feel about the landscape, or what it presents about the landscape. Through the synaesthesia of ’I drink/ my sight’, Wright highlights transcendence, devouring visually in a religious experience unclear – sounds like you have a really great idea/feel there, but it just hasn’t translated very clearly onto paper of nature and its power to transform individuals. Wright predicts the free reign given to miners resulting in violent destruction of the land. So, how does this link with the sentences around it? The use of the female voice of nature ‘filled with fire’ metaphorically connotes good! ‘metaphorically connotes’ = brilliant the spiritual potential rebirth of nature.  The cyclic imagery of the ‘fountain of hot joy’ becomes a metaphor to reveal the escaping blood from damaged vessels, enabling a clean reawakening of nature after great technological damages Me no understand.  What has escaping blood from damaged vessels got to do with reawakening/rebirth?  You need to step me through it, explaining exactly how the metaphor conveys that message!. The oxymoronic paradox of ‘life/death’ attempts reconciliation with nature to encapsulate the fertility of the land, as life comes from death. Wright implies that nature has power and it is up to man how he chooses to harness it.

The landscape can be a barrier for physical and emotional development, having a regenerative power to evoke reverence. I can’t 100% see what the first half of that sentence has to do with the last half – it feels like two totally different ideas crammed together, while the paragraph should have one single focus or purpose. Epiphanic visions of the poem and the neoromantic overtones of dualism ’consciousness/senses’ enable the poet to reflect on man’s insignificance in the overwhelming beauty of nature. Boy oh boy, do you write nicely.  Love it bruh. Through visions and dreams, the poet is able to experience the wonder of the landscape, transcending into the impressive imaginative realm. The external forces of nature conflates with the internal forces of the ‘train’, becoming a vehicle for the persona’s metaphysical journey.  The poem which poem, btw? label exactly what you’re talking about begins with a position of entrapment as the poet is ‘Glassed with cold’, the immediate divorcement from nature becoming a springboard for the metaphysical ‘journey’. Wright uses kinaesthetic, auditory and visual imagery ‘confused/ dazzled/hammering’ to create a semi-synesthetic effect by blending the senses as the poet awakens. The conflation of tactile imagery raises inner consciousness. First person ‘I’ reiterates the disengagement from nature through a subjective voice. Much of the lyrical intensity of the verse derives from the immediate local reference of setting. Three short chop-chop sentences; all of them could do with a bit more explanation, and linking together. The controlled rhythm form mimics the ‘hammering’ rhythm of the train, creating an unusual formal stiffness against the metaphoric and passionate subject. The half-rhyme ‘air/star’ connects all aspects of nature to create a holistic vision of spiralled growth This was what I meant by not naming techniques for the sake of naming techniques; sure, it’s a half-rhyme, but if you can’t draw any message out of that, then DON’T mention it.. Through this, Wright reinforces the meditative powers of nature and its ability to transform the human condition.
I’m a bit concerned that you’re just taking a poem and chronologically analysing its language/techniques, without thinking all the time about the THEMES and messages, the bigger picture.

Nature can inspire creativity, its life force mirrored by the composers craft in the power of creation. In encapsulating haunting images of the landscape, the poet utilises a gothic trope for revaluation of self and society within the fragility of place. The ‘dry breast’ of the landscape is metaphorically connected to the persona’s ‘heart’, alluding to the lack of nourishment to acknowledge the fragile ‘country that built my heart’. Through descriptive language of the ‘uncoloured slope’, Wright affirms the crepuscular moonlight draining the colour from the landscape, only to be filled through the poetry. Nature is represented as a violent force and Wright is unsentimental. The image of the phallic ‘ironbark’ tree penetrating the ‘virgin rock’ is unabashed in its sexual reference. Sure, but what does that do?  Your aim is to never leave the reader wondering, why did you just say that piece of evidence?  With EVERY SINGLE THING you put in, explain why you included it, and what it shows about your overall paragraph idea or contention.  Wright’s strength of voice mirrors the call on nature to use its violence for survival in the harsh landscape. The paradox ‘unloving come to life’ becomes a connection of the elemental and impersonal forces of nature that enable the tree to give birth to itself. Wrights invocations is emulated in the rhyming couplet ‘dew/you’ as she admires nature’s strength in Australia’s harsh and unyielding landscape. The persona ‘woke’ to ‘flowers more lovely than the white moon’, the simile representing awe of her new insight into nature that is able to sustain and survive on this barren landscape. Time to zoom out now; you’ve now got to tie together all of the techniques you’ve mentioned, and draw out the overall, broader message

Tim Winton’s intense connections with the Western Australian landscape creates stories with an evocative representation of people and places that are quintessentially Australian. OK.  You really need to change something here.  Firstly, you’ve put your related text in a separate paragraph rather than integrating them, but secondly you haven’t even used linking words!  The essay is like   You seriously seriously seriously NEED to link the two texts, and compare how they present people and landscapes – you’ve got to dig into how they use different techniques to present different messages and directly contrast them.  Your mark will be severely limited if you just stick two separate short essays together like this.  His short story, Aquifer, blurs landscape to critique the past and present melding the future. The title symbolises the Australian landscape as being only superficially dry, the integration of the dead creates more to the landscape, both human and physical, than evident on the surface. <-- run-on sentence Using a retrospective tone, the story signals the moving in of the landscape as the persona ‘travels away in loops and ellipses away from the middle age’ to the suburb of his childhood, Angelus. The symbolic use of the name foreshadows a rebirth for the persona as the pieces of his childhood are put back into place. Opening with tactile imagery ‘stirred’, Winton immediately positions the reader to engage with the persona again, need you to explain; how does that imagery actually position the reader to engage?  In your head, I’m sure you’ve thought through the ways that that imagery works; but IF YOU DON’T PUT IT DOWN ON PAPER, you leave a gap and start to sound like you’re jumping to tenuous, unsupportable conclusions!  Think of it like the working marks in maths – often, even if you get totally the right answer and did it all the right way, if you don’t write it out, you won’t even get half marks. The duality of the persona and reader embarking on the metaphysical journey becomes a springboard for reflection on how childhood landscapes shape adulthood.
Through manipulating figurative language, Winton provokes feelings and thoughts on people and landscapes. Steer clear of broad vague fluffy sentences like this, anyone could say them and they don’t provide any new insights.  Try ‘Winston’s figurative language…’ and dive straight into the specific themes/messages, rather than vaguely referencing the entire topic. Utilising the post-colonial lens, Winton furthers the lack of connections and displacement between the settlers and the landscape as they attempt to ‘plant buffalo grass’. The recurring motif of ‘blood and bone’ strengthens Winton’s concerns to bring forth the unconscious connections with the landscape. The active imagery of the settlers ‘running havoc’ forces revaluation of notions of imperialism and the desire to control the landscape. Winton evocatively conveys through  kinaesthetic imagery how the children ‘slipped together, no straight lines’, the ordered lines of the suburbia juxtaposed with the ’twisted logs’ alluding to the life force of the landscape as an embedding force of danger and transformation. Winton’s final image of ‘the past is in us not behind us’ highlights the injustices wrought on the landscape and its inhabitants. Like Judith, Winton encourages his reader to be in awe of the power of nature as a renewing force.  Yay.  Finally, for the first time in the whole essay, you’re comparing them.  But one sentence isn’t enough!!! Give me more!





Try interweaving the two texts throughout your paragraphs, rather than having the related text in a separate paragraph.  This is really really important.  You want to be directly showing the contrasts and similarities between their techniques, forms and messages.

Quotes
You could practice integrating quotes more smoothly.  You quite often do this: ‘… blah blah technique QUOTE…’, i.e. just dumping the quote immediately after the technique without weaving it into the grammar of your sentence.
e.g. ‘Opening with tactile imagery ‘stirred’,…’
‘…the neoromantic overtones of dualism ‘consciousness/senses’ enable the poet to…’
If you read it out loud, you’ll see that the quote just doesn’t fit in there.
At the very least, you need commas: ‘opening with tactile imagery, ‘stirred’,…’  but even that is a bit of a dodge or ‘fake’ way of getting the quote to fit in the sentence.  Try ‘Opening with tactile imagery IN THE WORD ‘stirred’…’, or rearrange the sentence completely.

Next: you want to avoid becoming a list of techniques.  Techniques are really important, but if you just start listing them off, dedicating 1-2 sentences to each, it can really get in the way of paragraph development.  You can end up with a fragmented checklist of ‘this does this, this does this, and this does this’, and forget to zoom out to the overall message of your paragraph.  Often, your list of techniques don’t build off each other, because either they just repeat exactly the same point, or they have quite different points that don’t work together very well.  Don’t see techniques as the end-point, but as the MEANS to the end – they’re your fodder which you use to demonstrate your overall message, firstly of your paragraph and then of your whole essay.
You also want to avoid chronologically analysing the techniques in a poem - feel free to jump round within and between poems, picking out only the stuff that's 100% relevant to your overall point.
Technique ----> effect ----> overall idea of paragraph ---> overall idea of essay.

A minor expression concern that I’ve touched on a few times throughout: your repeating structure, ‘the author uses this technique ‘here’ to show…’.  There’s nothing inherently wrong with it, but if you repeat it countless times in a row, it gets a bit boring, choppy and like a checklist.  To increase flow and communicate your ideas better, try these tips:


Want your essay marked too?  Remember to make an ATAR Notes account here!
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: brenden on July 11, 2015, 01:05:19 pm
Hi again, this is my Mod C essay on "Art of Travel". My first body is on structure, 2nd on a chapter called "On anticipation" and the last body on chapter "On the City and Landscape". My teacher is very "techniques" oriented so you'll see I've spammed as much as I could. Looking forward to the feedback :)


Spoiler
Quote
“All representations are the result of selection.” To what extent does your study of People and Landscapes support this statement? In your response, make detailed references to your prescribed text.

Perspectives represent the multiplicity of ways in which individuals view their world, and when foregrounded by composers in a unique an evocative manner, significantly shape the way the audience responds to events and landscapes. In his novel The Art of Travel (2002), De Botton employs a unique perspective on people and landscapes to shape and distort the text, manipulating the audience’s understanding that all representations are the result of selection. This is done in a philosophical inquiry of travel, with references to selected artists and writers as well as his personal experiences that are representative of the universal human experience. Thus, by examining the anecdotal viewpoints regarding the disjunction between reality and representation, De Botton explores the philosophy of our selections of landscapes and how this impacts our mental and physical state.

To convey his interpretation of the representations of landscapes and how they are the result of selection, De Botton employs literary devices in a unique structural format to pursue his philosophical inquiry into the art of travel. In doing so, he broadens the discussion of travel and examines our relationship with landscapes and how they affect us as individuals. Throughout the text, inclusive pronouns like “we” are used regularly to engage the reader and claim a universality of experience, suggesting his ideas apply to all. He constantly refers to the experiences of 18th and 19th century writers and artists such as Hodges and Baudelaire to provide a Western Humanist framework for his ideas. Paintings such as “Winter Sun” allow him to physically construct landscapes for us, demonstrating how imagined landscapes are the result of deliberate selection. Furthermore, the recounts of his travel guides present a form of sensory, emotional, and psychological experience, as well as his personal anecdotes that give a sense of authenticity and intimacy. Additionally, De Botton offers a selection of unorthodox imagery such as “the swiftness of the plane’s ascent” to apply careful detail on objects and landscapes otherwise banal, ugly, or overlooked, showing the selectivity of the minds that “omit and compress, cutting away the periods of boredom.” Finally, a motif of the tree enables a sense of continuity as well as a comparison between landscapes, as it is the only constant feature in his numerous landscapes. He explicitly derives that “empty of life, without trees” – the tree representing landscapes as a whole, and whether we select to recognise it as part of our psychological development. Therefore, by accentuating his perspective through a powerful structural format, De Botton is able to shape the reader’s understanding of the representations of landscapes.

In his introductory chapter “On Anticipation”, De Botton exemplifies the disjunction between perceptions of an imagined landscape in comparison to the reality, highlighting that representations of landscapes are simply the product of our selective imagination. He begins with emotive language to depict the winter of London that he describes with adjectives such as “relentless”, “ominous”, and “forbidding”. The bleak imagery is a reflection of his emotional state and suggests his desire to leave. His real London experience of the landscape is contrasted with the imagined landscape of Barbados that is described with pleasant sensory language of “relief”, “sweet”, and “turquoise” where De Botton lends visual imagery to emphasise its beauty by referencing William Hodges’ painting “Winter Sun”. The effect is to allow the audience to recognise that the beauty of a landscape may be solely determined by one’s exposure to representations constructed by writers and artists. This idea is cemented by intertextuality of the character Des Esseintes, who was allured by the landscape of London constructed by Dickens but en-route to the city, ultimately “paid the bill, left the tavern…and never left home again.” The humorous anecdote leads on to the idea that “The reality of travel is not what we anticipate” and that “reality must always be disappointing.” The selective nature of anticipation is further reiterated in De Botton’s personal anecdote in Barbados, where after two months of anticipation “Nothing was as I imagined.” He describes this in the theatrical allusion that juxtaposes the reality of a landscape to theatregoers who project their imagined landscape onto the backdrop of a stage (Page 12). De Botton then accentuates this with accumulative imagery -  “We sit in a train. Lunch digests awkwardly within us. The seat cloth is grey” that shows how our selective imagination of landscapes tends to ignore the reality whereby “those eyes were intimately tied to a body and mind which will travel with me wherever I went.” By stating this, De Botton concludes with the intertextual quote by Des Esseintes “imagination could provide a more-than-adequate substitute for the vulgar reality of actual experience.” Therefore by collectively utilising the works of 18th/19th century artists and painters, as well as anecdotes, De Botton is able to engage the reader, thus conveying the idea that anticipation is simply a selective representation of imagination, often leading us to the disappointment of reality.

People and landscapes are explored in an evocative examination of the conflicting perspectives associated between the calm and restorative natural landscape and the artificial city environment. This opinion is represented primarily through the poetic literature by William Wordsworth who emphasises on the emotions confronted by the beauty of nature – “nature can so inform; the mind that is within us.” The philosophy of Wordsworth is backed up by De Botton’s own experiences in the Lake District where pleasant imagery of “perfect weather” evokes emotional explorations. This leads to the Wordsworth’s words that “regular travel through nature was a necessary antidote to the evils of the city” where clear contrast is made between the sensory language that depicts “the smoke, congestion, poverty and ugliness of cities” compared to nature that would “dispose us to seek out life in each other.”  De Botton cements this idea by juxtaposing his everyday banality to the beauty and poetry of the natural scene before him. So by stating “identities are to a greater or lesser sense malleable”, De Botton suggests that selecting the landscape you are in will in effect determine your individual state of mind and physicality.

By acknowledging the complex nature of perspectives and representation that arise in response to situations and personalities, De Botton is able to extend and shape the reader’s perspective on representations of landscapes. His careful selection of structure as well as skilful presentation of personal and universal struggles explores the art of travel in unique and evocative ways.
Hey man! Sorry this is so late. I've been organising free revision lectures over in Victoria (hopefully soon to come to HSC).


“All representations are the result of selection.” To what extent does your study of People and Landscapes support this statement? In your response, make detailed references to your prescribed text.

Perspectives represent the multiplicity of ways in which individuals view their world, and when foregrounded by composers in a unique an evocative manner, significantly shape the way the audience responds to events and landscapes.cool opening sentence In his novel The Art of Travel (2002), De Botton employs a unique perspective on people and landscapes to shape and distort the text, manipulating the audience’s understanding that all representations are the result of selection I see that you're trying to respond to the prompt, but I don't see what you're properly trying to ssay?. This is done in a philosophical inquiry of travel, with references to selected artists and writers as well as his personal experiences that are representative of the universal human experience. Thus, by examining the anecdotal viewpoints regarding the disjunction between reality and representation, De Botton explores the philosophy of our selections of landscapes and how this impacts our mental and physical state Good close. not a bad intro at all!.

To convey his interpretation of the representations of landscapes and how they are the result of selection, De Botton employs literary devices in a unique structural format to pursue his philosophical inquiry into the art of travelClear topic sentence, and reads well. really good.. In doing so, he broadens the discussion of travel and examines our relationship with landscapes and how they affect us as individuals. Throughout the text, inclusive pronouns like “we” are used regularly to engage the reader and claim a universality of experience, suggesting his ideas apply to all. Your teacher would like this, good. He constantly refers to the experiences of 18th and 19th century writers and artists such as Hodges and Baudelaire to provide a Western Humanist framework for his ideas.  Feel like the red is a bit disconnected - you just jump in your thought, without showing your reader that you're abotu to change topicsPaintings such as “Winter Sun” allow him to physically construct landscapes for us, demonstrating how imagined landscapes are the result of deliberate selection. Furthermore, the recounts of his travel guides present a form of sensory, emotional, and psychological experience, as well as his personal anecdotes that give a sense of authenticity and intimacy. Additionally, De Botton offers a selection of unorthodox imagery such as “the swiftness of the plane’s ascent” to apply careful detail on objects and landscapes otherwise banal, ugly, or overlooked, showing the selectivity of the minds that “omit and compress, cutting away the periods of boredom.” Really good paragraph so far, but just notice how in the last two sentences I've highlighted, you've used what's essentially the same structure. In Blue, you use a tricolon to say 'sensory, emotional, and psychological', and then you say "and... bla bla bla" to shove more info in, and then in red, you gain use the tricolon. Both sentences also start with "furthermore" and "additionally"... The structural repetition here slightly kills your flow, but otherwise, everything is going really well. (also, i just noticed your next sentence starts with finally, which further stutters the flow a bit) Finally, a motif of the tree enables a sense of continuity as well as a comparison between landscapes, as it is the only constant feature in his numerous landscapes. He explicitly derives that “empty of life, without trees” – the tree representing landscapes as a whole, and whether we select to recognise it as part of our psychological development. Therefore, by accentuating his perspective through a powerful structural format, De Botton is able to shape the reader’s understanding of the representations of landscapes.pretty strong paragraph in terms of analysis, and your expression is also really good, but as noted, the overall flow/'readability' could be improved to squeeze out the final marks.

In his introductory chapter “On Anticipation”, De Botton exemplifies the disjunction between perceptions of an imagined landscape in comparison to the reality, highlighting that representations of landscapes are simply the product of our selective imagination.Great topic sentence on a structural level. He begins with emotive language good, i can see your teacher loving it to depict the winter of London that he describes with adjectives such as “relentless”, “ominous”, and “forbidding”. The bleak imagery is a reflection of his emotional state and suggests his desire to leave. His real London experience of the landscape is contrasted with the imagined landscape of Barbados that is described with pleasant sensory language of “relief”, “sweet”, and “turquoise” where De Botton lends visual imagery to emphasise its beauty by referencing William Hodges’ painting “Winter Sun”.paragraph is flowing really well into itself at the moment The effect is to allow the audience to recognise that the beauty of a landscape may be solely determined by one’s exposure to representations constructed by writers and artists. This idea is cemented by intertextuality of the character Des Esseintes, who was allured by the landscape of London constructed by Dickens but en-route to the city, ultimately “paid the bill, left the tavern…and never left home again.” The humorous anecdote leads on to the idea that “The reality of travel is not what we anticipate” and that “reality must always be disappointing.” The selective nature of anticipation is further reiterated in De Botton’s personal anecdote in Barbados, where after two months of anticipation “Nothing was as I imagined.” He describes this in the theatrical allusion that juxtaposes the reality of a landscape to theatregoers who project their imagined landscape onto the backdrop of a stage (Page 12). De Botton then accentuates this with accumulative imagery -  “We sit in a train. Lunch digests awkwardly within us. The seat cloth is grey” that shows how our selective imagination of landscapes tends to ignore the reality whereby “those eyes were intimately tied to a body and mind which will travel with me wherever I went.” By stating this, De Botton concludes with the intertextual quote by Des Esseintes “imagination could provide a more-than-adequate substitute for the vulgar reality of actual experience.” Therefore by collectively utilising the works of 18th/19th century artists and painters, as well as anecdotes, De Botton is able to engage the reader, thus conveying the idea that anticipation is simply a selective representation of imagination, often leading us to the disappointment of reality.This is a nearly flawless paragraph.

People and landscapes are explored in an evocative examination of the conflicting perspectives associated between the calm and restorative natural landscape and the artificial city environment. would probably strip back the adjectives to increase readibilityThis opinion is represented primarily through the poetic literature by William Wordsworth who emphasises on the emotionsemphasises the emotions? confronted by the beauty of nature – “nature can so inform; the mind that is within us.” The philosophy of Wordsworth is backed up by De Botton’s own experiences in the Lake District where pleasant imagery of “perfect weather” evokes emotional explorations. This leads to the Wordsworth’s words that “regular travel through nature was a necessary antidote to the evils of the city” where clear contrast is made between the sensory language that depicts “the smoke, congestion, poverty and ugliness of cities” compared to nature that would “dispose us to seek out life in each other.”  De Botton cements this idea by juxtaposing his everyday banality to the beauty and poetry of the natural scene before him. So by stating “identities are to a greater or lesser sense malleable”, De Botton suggests that selecting the landscape you are in will in effect determine your individual state of mind and physicality.

By acknowledging the complex nature of perspectives and representation that arise in response to situations and personalities, De Botton is able to extend and shape the reader’s perspective on representations of landscapes. His careful selection of structure as well as skilful presentation of personal and universal struggles explores the art of travel in unique and evocative ways.

This is just a really solid, well done job. You will surely smash Mod C on trials.
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: zaynabb on July 11, 2015, 09:30:21 pm
Well, here goes!

First want to say that your language usage is truly beautiful throughout, you've hit that balance between sounding like a grade 2 vocab and sounding like you're trying to cram in 'big words' where they don't fit.  I FULL-ON LOVE IT!  Also, you seem to have a real feel for poetry - your analysis of the rhythm, metaphors and 'feel' behind the words is at times utterly impressive.  Excellent.  In these areas, your essay is just so band-six!

But hope you cope with someone slamming you throughout, I'm the sort that just always sees the holes!  Let me know if this doesn't make sense, I'm not the most brilliant at clear logical feedback ::)



The landscape can have a powerful impact on individuals moving them both physically and spiritually. As an environmentalist and social activist, Judith Wright believed poets should be concerned with national and social problems. Her evocative connections with the landscape reflect in her poetry, forcing revaluation of humanity’s relationship with nature. Through the dramatic use of language forms and features, Wright establishes the necessity of restabilising the human condition to evoke an opportunity for reconciliation what exactly do you mean by 'restabilise the human condition'?  I'm not a fan of vague but impressive-sounding sentences; always, before you write a sentence, think 'exactly what does this mean, in plain basic English?'  +, 'evoke opportunity'=not quite the right word. Use a linking wordTim Winton’s ‘Aquifer’ uses a metaphysical journey through the blurring of landscapes to awaken consciousness and encourage self-reflection. It is through the development of language techniques that both texts critique the importance of maintaining a transcendent connection with nature as a trigger for enlightenment.  Can’t say much on the intro lol, seems really great to me.  I’d just strengthen the links/contrast between the two texts.

Connections with the landscape can encourage reflection and revaluation of past injustices. Flame Tree in a Quarry explores the tenuous technological impact of man on nature that can create tension, highlighting the fragility of nature. The title creates a visual image of the lone ‘flame tree’ in a barren landscape ‘the Quarry’ triggering a metaphor how do you ‘trigger’ a metaphor?  Wrong word.  Rephrase: The title’s vivid image of the lone ‘flame tree’ in a barren landscape, ‘the Quarry’, metaphorically highlights nature’s fecundity following great destruction.  Tip: turning a technique (e.g. metaphor) into an adverb, like ‘metaphorically [highlights/reveals/stresses/depicts]’ can make your writing smoother and nicer to read.  If you refer directly to too many techniques, and your paragraph becomes a constant repetition of ‘the author uses this technique “here” which shows…’, it gets a bit choppy, repetitious and boring.  ‘Hiding’ your techniques a bit in adverbs helps with flow and interest. about the powerful forces of nature and its fecundity following great destruction. The poet seeks personal reconciliation with the harshness of the land how do you reconcile with harshness? Cool idea, but could be expressed a bit more clearly., stemming from her interests in environmentalism and social issues. Through the emotive description of the ‘dead’ landscape, Wright implies a body/soul connection with nature. Wright uses alliteration to personify the Quarry as a ‘broken bone’ that has been ‘stripped’, the vitriolic tone condemning the destruction of nature. Avoid stating that someone uses a technique, e.g. alliteration, without explaining why they use that, the impact, how it contributes to the overall messages, how it contributes to your paragraph’s argument.  Putting in a technique for the sake of it can look like you’re just trying to impress the examiner with your metalanguage – but unless you analyse that technique, you might as well not even mention it!  The whole point is the analysis.  So as a rule of thumb, never mention a technique or quote without then going on to analyse exactly the impact of it.  Stemming from her own interests in environmentalism and indigenous land rights, the poet seeks personal reconciliation with the harshness of the land and those in it I highlighted it red to show that you’ve already said this whole sentence before – there are a couple of problems with that: a) repetition is just a bit irritating/annoying; b) it sounds like you don’t have anything else to say, so you just repeat to pad out a paragraph; and c) it takes away a sense of development or building in the paragraph.  Try to avoid repeating ideas, and if you do repeat, at least come up with a different way of structuring/phrasing the idea.. Wright uses the simile ‘like a wrecked skull’ to reveal the impact of man’s destruction of nature Here’s where you could take it to a higher level – like, I get that of course that simile reveals the impact of man’s destruction!  BUT, I want you to explain it to me.  Think of me like a 5-year-old kid – I want you to fill in every possible gap, step me through it like I’m not all there.  Explain exactly what the simile does – how does the ‘wrecked skull’ make me feel?  What is it about the choice of those particular words that really highlights man’s destruction of nature?  I mean, what you’ve got is good, but ANYONE could write that, and you don’t want to be just ‘anyone’.  You want to stand out by filling in the gaps and explaining exactly how the technique causes that overall effect. The alliterative active imagery ‘bush of blood’ that non-literally ‘leaps out’ represents the forces of natural renewal and regrowth, becoming a symbol of injury but also healing and the potential for renewal. The poem highlights recoiling of nature because of man’s interruptions. The personification of the Quarry ‘out of the torn earth’s mouth’ signals the pain felt for the environmental destruction. Again, here’s an opportunity to break out of the ‘the author uses this technique “here” which shows…’ structure, for some variety and to break up the check-listy feeling.  Instead of ‘the personification of’, a noun technique, try a verb: ‘Personifying the Quarry as…’ or ‘By personifying the Quarry as…’  You’re still including a technique, but a bit more subtly and ‘nicely’. As the poet empathises, she forces the reader to reconnect and reflect on the fragility of nature’s potential.
I highlighted two sentences blue, because I couldn’t quite see how they fitted into the rest of the paragraph.  You’re discussing throughout how Wright really highlights man’s destruction of nature, and the fragility of nature – and then at a couple of random places you mention how Wright shows the land’s regrowth/fruitfulness, which actually contradicts the rest of what you’re saying a bit.  What you’ve said is GOOD and insightful, but it doesn’t fit in.  It fits more in the next para, actually.


The developing relationship what do you mean here? Whose developing relationship?  Remember I’m a dumb idiot and don’t get what you’re sayin’ unless you explain carefully! with the landscape can trigger concerns about the environment and man’s impact on this. Wright creates beautiful Australian symbolism transforming her land into an emotionally accepted background. In employing biblical imagery, Wright demonstrates how nature’s voice is ‘made flesh’ though ‘the singer dies’ referencing the wrecked landscape that forms the body through which the voice of the metaphoric flame tree comes. The poet uses Christian imagery ’the world’s delight/the world’s desire’ to draw on the parable of Christ’s birth as a visual representation on earth as an invisible God, the repeated words of praise becoming a religious experience.  Draw further how this impacts the audience and makes them feel about the landscape, or what it presents about the landscape. Through the synaesthesia of ’I drink/ my sight’, Wright highlights transcendence, devouring visually in a religious experience unclear – sounds like you have a really great idea/feel there, but it just hasn’t translated very clearly onto paper of nature and its power to transform individuals. Wright predicts the free reign given to miners resulting in violent destruction of the land. So, how does this link with the sentences around it? The use of the female voice of nature ‘filled with fire’ metaphorically connotes good! ‘metaphorically connotes’ = brilliant the spiritual potential rebirth of nature.  The cyclic imagery of the ‘fountain of hot joy’ becomes a metaphor to reveal the escaping blood from damaged vessels, enabling a clean reawakening of nature after great technological damages Me no understand.  What has escaping blood from damaged vessels got to do with reawakening/rebirth?  You need to step me through it, explaining exactly how the metaphor conveys that message!. The oxymoronic paradox of ‘life/death’ attempts reconciliation with nature to encapsulate the fertility of the land, as life comes from death. Wright implies that nature has power and it is up to man how he chooses to harness it.

The landscape can be a barrier for physical and emotional development, having a regenerative power to evoke reverence. I can’t 100% see what the first half of that sentence has to do with the last half – it feels like two totally different ideas crammed together, while the paragraph should have one single focus or purpose. Epiphanic visions of the poem and the neoromantic overtones of dualism ’consciousness/senses’ enable the poet to reflect on man’s insignificance in the overwhelming beauty of nature. Boy oh boy, do you write nicely.  Love it bruh. Through visions and dreams, the poet is able to experience the wonder of the landscape, transcending into the impressive imaginative realm. The external forces of nature conflates with the internal forces of the ‘train’, becoming a vehicle for the persona’s metaphysical journey.  The poem which poem, btw? label exactly what you’re talking about begins with a position of entrapment as the poet is ‘Glassed with cold’, the immediate divorcement from nature becoming a springboard for the metaphysical ‘journey’. Wright uses kinaesthetic, auditory and visual imagery ‘confused/ dazzled/hammering’ to create a semi-synesthetic effect by blending the senses as the poet awakens. The conflation of tactile imagery raises inner consciousness. First person ‘I’ reiterates the disengagement from nature through a subjective voice. Much of the lyrical intensity of the verse derives from the immediate local reference of setting. Three short chop-chop sentences; all of them could do with a bit more explanation, and linking together. The controlled rhythm form mimics the ‘hammering’ rhythm of the train, creating an unusual formal stiffness against the metaphoric and passionate subject. The half-rhyme ‘air/star’ connects all aspects of nature to create a holistic vision of spiralled growth This was what I meant by not naming techniques for the sake of naming techniques; sure, it’s a half-rhyme, but if you can’t draw any message out of that, then DON’T mention it.. Through this, Wright reinforces the meditative powers of nature and its ability to transform the human condition.
I’m a bit concerned that you’re just taking a poem and chronologically analysing its language/techniques, without thinking all the time about the THEMES and messages, the bigger picture.

Nature can inspire creativity, its life force mirrored by the composers craft in the power of creation. In encapsulating haunting images of the landscape, the poet utilises a gothic trope for revaluation of self and society within the fragility of place. The ‘dry breast’ of the landscape is metaphorically connected to the persona’s ‘heart’, alluding to the lack of nourishment to acknowledge the fragile ‘country that built my heart’. Through descriptive language of the ‘uncoloured slope’, Wright affirms the crepuscular moonlight draining the colour from the landscape, only to be filled through the poetry. Nature is represented as a violent force and Wright is unsentimental. The image of the phallic ‘ironbark’ tree penetrating the ‘virgin rock’ is unabashed in its sexual reference. Sure, but what does that do?  Your aim is to never leave the reader wondering, why did you just say that piece of evidence?  With EVERY SINGLE THING you put in, explain why you included it, and what it shows about your overall paragraph idea or contention.  Wright’s strength of voice mirrors the call on nature to use its violence for survival in the harsh landscape. The paradox ‘unloving come to life’ becomes a connection of the elemental and impersonal forces of nature that enable the tree to give birth to itself. Wrights invocations is emulated in the rhyming couplet ‘dew/you’ as she admires nature’s strength in Australia’s harsh and unyielding landscape. The persona ‘woke’ to ‘flowers more lovely than the white moon’, the simile representing awe of her new insight into nature that is able to sustain and survive on this barren landscape. Time to zoom out now; you’ve now got to tie together all of the techniques you’ve mentioned, and draw out the overall, broader message

Tim Winton’s intense connections with the Western Australian landscape creates stories with an evocative representation of people and places that are quintessentially Australian. OK.  You really need to change something here.  Firstly, you’ve put your related text in a separate paragraph rather than integrating them, but secondly you haven’t even used linking words!  The essay is like   You seriously seriously seriously NEED to link the two texts, and compare how they present people and landscapes – you’ve got to dig into how they use different techniques to present different messages and directly contrast them.  Your mark will be severely limited if you just stick two separate short essays together like this.  His short story, Aquifer, blurs landscape to critique the past and present melding the future. The title symbolises the Australian landscape as being only superficially dry, the integration of the dead creates more to the landscape, both human and physical, than evident on the surface. <-- run-on sentence Using a retrospective tone, the story signals the moving in of the landscape as the persona ‘travels away in loops and ellipses away from the middle age’ to the suburb of his childhood, Angelus. The symbolic use of the name foreshadows a rebirth for the persona as the pieces of his childhood are put back into place. Opening with tactile imagery ‘stirred’, Winton immediately positions the reader to engage with the persona again, need you to explain; how does that imagery actually position the reader to engage?  In your head, I’m sure you’ve thought through the ways that that imagery works; but IF YOU DON’T PUT IT DOWN ON PAPER, you leave a gap and start to sound like you’re jumping to tenuous, unsupportable conclusions!  Think of it like the working marks in maths – often, even if you get totally the right answer and did it all the right way, if you don’t write it out, you won’t even get half marks. The duality of the persona and reader embarking on the metaphysical journey becomes a springboard for reflection on how childhood landscapes shape adulthood.
Through manipulating figurative language, Winton provokes feelings and thoughts on people and landscapes. Steer clear of broad vague fluffy sentences like this, anyone could say them and they don’t provide any new insights.  Try ‘Winston’s figurative language…’ and dive straight into the specific themes/messages, rather than vaguely referencing the entire topic. Utilising the post-colonial lens, Winton furthers the lack of connections and displacement between the settlers and the landscape as they attempt to ‘plant buffalo grass’. The recurring motif of ‘blood and bone’ strengthens Winton’s concerns to bring forth the unconscious connections with the landscape. The active imagery of the settlers ‘running havoc’ forces revaluation of notions of imperialism and the desire to control the landscape. Winton evocatively conveys through  kinaesthetic imagery how the children ‘slipped together, no straight lines’, the ordered lines of the suburbia juxtaposed with the ’twisted logs’ alluding to the life force of the landscape as an embedding force of danger and transformation. Winton’s final image of ‘the past is in us not behind us’ highlights the injustices wrought on the landscape and its inhabitants. Like Judith, Winton encourages his reader to be in awe of the power of nature as a renewing force.  Yay.  Finally, for the first time in the whole essay, you’re comparing them.  But one sentence isn’t enough!!! Give me more!





Try interweaving the two texts throughout your paragraphs, rather than having the related text in a separate paragraph.  This is really really important.  You want to be directly showing the contrasts and similarities between their techniques, forms and messages.

Quotes
You could practice integrating quotes more smoothly.  You quite often do this: ‘… blah blah technique QUOTE…’, i.e. just dumping the quote immediately after the technique without weaving it into the grammar of your sentence.
e.g. ‘Opening with tactile imagery ‘stirred’,…’
‘…the neoromantic overtones of dualism ‘consciousness/senses’ enable the poet to…’
If you read it out loud, you’ll see that the quote just doesn’t fit in there.
At the very least, you need commas: ‘opening with tactile imagery, ‘stirred’,…’  but even that is a bit of a dodge or ‘fake’ way of getting the quote to fit in the sentence.  Try ‘Opening with tactile imagery IN THE WORD ‘stirred’…’, or rearrange the sentence completely.

Next: you want to avoid becoming a list of techniques.  Techniques are really important, but if you just start listing them off, dedicating 1-2 sentences to each, it can really get in the way of paragraph development.  You can end up with a fragmented checklist of ‘this does this, this does this, and this does this’, and forget to zoom out to the overall message of your paragraph.  Often, your list of techniques don’t build off each other, because either they just repeat exactly the same point, or they have quite different points that don’t work together very well.  Don’t see techniques as the end-point, but as the MEANS to the end – they’re your fodder which you use to demonstrate your overall message, firstly of your paragraph and then of your whole essay.
You also want to avoid chronologically analysing the techniques in a poem - feel free to jump round within and between poems, picking out only the stuff that's 100% relevant to your overall point.
Technique ----> effect ----> overall idea of paragraph ---> overall idea of essay.

A minor expression concern that I’ve touched on a few times throughout: your repeating structure, ‘the author uses this technique ‘here’ to show…’.  There’s nothing inherently wrong with it, but if you repeat it countless times in a row, it gets a bit boring, choppy and like a checklist.  To increase flow and communicate your ideas better, try these tips:

  • Sometimes turn the techniques (nouns, e.g metaphor, personification) into either adverbs or verbs.
    The author uses the metaphor ‘X’ to present... ==> The author metaphorically presents…
    The author personifies X as Y…’ ==> ‘Personifying X as Y, the author…


  • Start some sentences with ‘verb-ing’, or ‘by verb-ing’.   (You’re already doing this, but there are some places you could do it more.)
    The author uses the metaphor ‘X’ to highlight… [message] ==> Highlighting [message], the author uses the metaphor ‘X’.[/i]
    The author uses the metaphor ‘X’ to highlight… ==> By using the metaphor ‘X’, the author highlights…

  • Break it into two sentences, and start the second sentence with ‘This’.  Hence, instead of overtly labelling the technique in the first sentence (‘the author uses X technique’), you kinda sneak in the technique name in the second sentence – really helps flow.
    The author uses a metaphor when she says ‘X’… ==> The author says ‘X’ and does ‘Y’.  This metaphor reveals…

Want your essay marked too?  Remember to make an ATAR Notes account here!

THAAAAAAAAAAANK YOUUUUUU SO SO SO SO MUUUCHHH!!!  I do sincerely appreciate your criticisms! Will work on it definitely!! Thank you heaps!!!!!
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: georgiadorahy on July 12, 2015, 06:08:53 pm
Hi, this is an essay for Module B. The question was
An inherent tension between stability and change is revealed through characterisation in Winton’s Cloudstreet. To what extent does your interpretation of Cloudstreet align with this view? In your response, make detailed reference to the novel.

I'm not sure if I have answered the question very well, also feel free to go crazy with the essay marking, I need all the help I can get. Thank you!

For most people, the experience of stability in one’s life is their desired state, therefore making the occurrence of change that many find difficult to come to terms with. As a result, there is an ongoing tension between the two states of existence for the characters in Tim Winton’s Cloudstreet. It is these situations of change that not only shape how the characters are portrayed, but it also offers a sense of relatability for the reader to effectively respond to the text, therefore heightening how Tim Winton’s novel possess a deep level of textual integrity.

The most notable change in the novel is when “Not all of Fish Lamb… (came) back”, and it is this event that catalyses the tension between stability and change that transcends the novel. It leaves Quick completely consumed by his guilt, which characterizes him as a pessimistic character as he tries to come to terms with his survivor’s guilt. The visual reminders of the suffering in the world are what in central to his pessimism, as it reminds him that “he was alive and well, and his brother wasn’t”. A metaphor is employed to convey how the images haunt him at night to accentuate how the change to the Lamb’s life leaves him emotionally scarred and consumed by his guilt, “But at night those cripples, those reffos, the starving weeping wounded on his walls wait till Quick is asleep and then they dance… as they throw themselves into a weird joyous tumult over his bed.” It is the characterization of Quick that is able to heighten the reader’s understanding of how change has impacted on his and other character’s lives, and leaves him yearning for more change to return it to a previous sense of stability in their lives prior to Fish’s accident.

However, following Fish’s accident, Fish tries to promote change in the other characters in order for them to feel at ease with themselves and live comfortably in a stable state. Quick believes that in going “walkabout” he will be able to be at ease with himself as he would no longer be in an environment that reminds him of the incident, however, Winton reveals via magic realism that his return is essential for him to forgive himself. This is catalyzed when he sees Fish “rowing a box across the top of the wheat”, and is emphasized with the repetition of Fish saying “Carn” to herald his homecoming. In this way, it become evident that upon his returns to Cloudstreet, Quick has come to terms with his guilt, as he knows that his brother loves and misses him. Therefore, although change is an experience that is challenging for some of the characters, it is one that is essential for them to be comfortably experience stages of stability.

The event of Fish’s drowning has a continuation of implications that lead to change in the lives of characters, such as Oriel. With Fish’s drowning, she deems it a “miracle”, which is fitting for the “god fearing” Lambs. However, when they realize he did not fully return, she is disillusioned with her faith in God. explained in Helen Thomson’s essay, “Losing that philosophy (a belief in God) which had formed her self has contributed to Oriel’s loss of identity… The tent becomes a symbol of Oriel’s alienation, not only from the house and family but from her self.” The character of Oriel therefore is one who persistently struggles with change as a result of her lack of identity from early on in her childhood; she even explains that “When I was a girl, I had this strong feeling that I did not belong anywhere”. The reflective tone established through past tense language highlights the enduring struggle Oriel faces with her identity, that heralds for constant change in her life in order to find her niche in society, which is why she defines her life as a “war”. Oriel is a character who does not deal well with change, as seen in her dramatic move to the tent, but needs to in order to find that she does in fact belong, and it is Fish who allows her to do this.

Although the change that arose from Fish’s death does not impact on him positively, the experiences that proceed that have a positive impact on both him and the other characters, as evidenced when the narration takes on the ‘Spiritual Fish’ character. A stream of consciousness passage conveys Fish’s intentions on allowing the Oriel to experience a shift in perspective in order to be one with herself, “keep strong Mum, keep the steel… Oh how I missed you all my life. You’ll see its best this way”. Thus, Fish’s thought process reveals that the ‘way’ he wants will be of most benefit for Oriel in order to no longer be alienated. Moreover, Fish’s death can be seen as the most dramatic change alongside his drowning, as it allows for a multitude of repercussions to occur, one of which being the connectedness with his other half, “I burst into the moon, suns and stars of who I really am.” The “moon, suns and stars” becomes symbolic to the reader of another dimension beyond the physical in which Fish is able to become unified with the half of him that was once lost. Thus, for some characters stability is the undesired state, as they need change to be one.
   
Despite change the undesired state of existence for many, it is a necessary experience in order to grow as a person. As a result of this, the responder can engage with the text through the purely human responses that Winton revealed through his characterization, thus highlight why Cloudstreet has textual integrity. Therefore, while there is ongoing tension between stability and change in the lives of the characters through the saga of Cloudstreet, the implications of these events are what herald to the reader how important it is to have the tension between these two states of existence to thrive, which is a lesson that all people can benefit from.




Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: jaimebaker97 on July 14, 2015, 07:29:46 pm
Hello  :) this is my discovery essay I wrote for my Advanced English pretrial, if you could have a look at it for my Trials coming up that would be awesome  :)
I'm worried this essay doesn't have a solid structure and I feel like it's a bit all over the place.
The essay question was pretty basic "Discuss how elements of discovery was explored in the text 'The Tempest' as well as at least one related text"
Also feel free to be as critical as possible, i really need to improve this essay.
Thank You heaps :) :)

An individuals or groups discoveries or process of discovering can vary due to their society, culture, history or social statues. These discoveries can shape a person’s context and define themselves or a society. The idea of discovery is conveyed through the texts “The Tempest” by William Shakespeare, “Tomorrow When The War Began” by John Marsden and “Five Discoveries That Changed The World” by author unknown. These texts each portray several levels of discovery that define the characters and plotline, they can be compared and contrasted which develops a further understanding of the idea of discovery.
The altered perspective of Alonso shapes Prospero’s transition through “The Tempest”. Prospero’s inner journey to self-discovery is reinforced by a sense of contrite release. Prospero learns to express remorse towards his past actions and perceives himself as responsible for his own demise. The symbolism of the storm through the stage directions “A tempestuous noise of thunder and lightning heard” expresses Prospero’s emotional turmoil conveyed through the ferocity of the tempest, as it represents the built up rage Prospero has directed towards his brother. The sound and lighting effects surround the stage building in intensity as Act 1. Scene 1. progresses displaying the built up rage Prospero holds towards his brother. This extreme level of indignation consumes Prospero causing him to contradict himself with the unfair treatment of his servant Ariel who he continues to enslave longer than originally agreed in order to serve his own purposes. Once Prospero is able to let go of the rage he holds, the responder witnesses a noteworthy change in his characterisation. Prospero reconsiders what his magic has achieved and promises to relinquish his powers and thus the metaphorical tempest inside of himself. Shakespeare has used visual imagery to convey the metaphor of the tempest as it subsides “The noontide sun, called forth the mutinous, winds,/ And ‘twixt the green sea and the azured vault/ Set roaring war- to th’ dread rattling thunder” thus portraying the release of Prospero’s rage as he discovers he is able to forgive and move on. When Prospero throws his magic into the ocean it symbolises the release of his power as he realises that he does not need it, which represents the key part of his transformation.
  Much like Prospero, Ellie in “Tomorrow When The War Began” experiences a character transformation, although hers is accentuated by the discovery of inner strength catalysed by the impact of war. Ellie’s new found strength is reinforced by her characterisation; she is able to maintain a clear head during her time of tribulation. Marsden’s use of irony highlights Ellie’s internal discovery “I wasn’t scared, just fascinated to see what would happen” as it represents the transformation of her character as she grows from her experiences to a point where she no longer fears both the internal and external war that surrounds it but simply accepts it. Ellie and Prospero both undergo a significant positive character transformation, as they both learn to accept and move on from the past tragedies that impact them, letting go of the darkness that clouds their minds.

 The corruption of indigenous cultures at the hands of a ‘civilised’ world in the name of colonisation is represented through the character of Caliban. Stephano and Trinculo manipulate Caliban to adopt modern hierarchical concepts with the intention of making Stephano king of the island. As Caliban discovers the civilised world he begins to lose himself, as well as his spiritual connection to the land and his culture. Although Caliban believes Stephano and Trinculo to be worthy of kings, he is not aware that they are both drunks with no regard for their civilised society who only perceive Caliban as a financial investment. They believe people will pay money to “see an indian” this use or irony symbolises the manipulation and corruption of indigenous people around the world, conveying loss of culture by the hands of the ‘civilised world’. Caliban does eventually realise his mistakes, and much like Prospero, has his own transformation in which he repents his actions. Which includes plotting to kill Prospero. Caliban begs Prospero for forgiveness “And seek for grace. What a thrice- double ass/ Was I, to take this drunkard for a god/ And worship this dull fool!” which is bestowed upon him. Through the manipulation of Caliban the audience discovers the true nature of colonisation, and the effects it has on indigenous cultures. The discovery of new worlds can lead to negative impact upon that particular world, as Shakespeare symbolises through the characterisation of Caliban.
  While “The Tempest” explores the discovery of new worlds, “Five Discoveries That Changed The World” explores discoveries of knowledge. The scientific discovery of fingerprints has moulded the way our society deals with crime today, enabling the law to identify victims and perpetrators far more efficiently. The photo of a fingerprint communicates the global value of this discovery demonstrated through the widely recognized close up shot of a human fingerprint. The composer’s use of an extreme close up shot heightens the significance of this discovery whereas the familiarity of the photo portrays an importance for this science within our advanced society. The recognisable picture is a symbol in our society for the criminal justice system further increasing its importance. Similarly to the discovery of new worlds this scientific discovery impacts the world as a whole.

Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: cricketlad1998 on July 15, 2015, 10:01:36 am
Hi Ned Nerb,
Thanks so much for this service, you're a legend! :) So here is my Mod A essay involving King Richard III and Looking For Richard, I may not be answering the question and my argument may not be concise and clear. So some feedback would be really appreciated. Thanks again :D  (Note: I haven't done the conclusion)
Through exploring connections between texts, enriched perspectives of each text is possible
By exploring commonalities between texts we understand how although our human nature remains constant, our values are susceptible to change in different contexts. In Shakespeare’s Richard III, we discover the desire for authority present amongst us, and how this quest for power demands the sacrifice of an individual’s moral compass.  Shakespeare’s 16th century context crafts the persona of Richard as; a quintessential Machiavellian vice, whose transgressions sully the Divine Order, which dictated the Christian Elizabethan society. Yet Al Pacino’s Looking for Richard (1997) has a different aim: creating a psychological portrait of a tragic Richard and embrace Shakespeare’s legacy as necessary for a  multiracial, highly secular American audience, reflecting the authority exploited nature of modern politicians and leaders. Through the power of docudrama format, Pacino examines how our perception of morality has shifted in a post-modernist context, through his education adverse audience. Thus, the relationship between Shakespeare’s text and Pacino’s film epitomises that although the journey for power remains constant, it is appropriated to reflect the moral standards of society.   
The quest for power is pursued for greater recognition, which hence prompts negative individual ambition. The War of Roses, during the 15th century transformed the honourable nature of power, into a largely self-driven Machiavellian cause, affirming the instability of control during the epoch. Thus, Richard’s exaggerated physical flaws illustrate a ruthless tyrannical figure who chooses “to prove a villain,” creating the perspective of an outcast in the York family. Richard’s endless drive for power stems from instability in the British monarchy considering his recognition of “hate of the idle pleasures.” The soliloquy of Richard’s rhetoric vindicates his marginalisation from social paradigms, to “dive thoughts, down to my soul,”  personification reinforces Richard’s isolation to resort speaking to his audience, thus revealing that power needs to be recognised subconsciously before “by proof we see.” Initially, Richard’s ambition for supremacy is largely unrecognised by others but foiled through his attribute as a “foul hunch-backed toad.” In response, Richard questions the Divine Order by usurping his authority over God, who “bids us to do evil,” reiterating how the social cataclysms such as reformation of Protestant Religion allowed   Richard’s  jurisdiction to manipulate perception of religion. Thus, power is evoked by greater respect within society however can result in radical transformation of pre conceived notions.
However, power allows a wider scope of an individual’s mentality. Pacino’s Looking for Richard embodies post-modernist thinking; consequently empowering the viewer to be the judge of Shakespeare’s Richard III.  Post-modernism is characterised through a late 20th century view that traditional forms of power are corrupt while free thinking serves as the basis of individual views rather than religion.  Pacino manipulates our preconceived judgments about Shakespeare, through a fade in shot of the title, from ‘King Richard’ to ‘Looking for Richard,’  epitomising how modern audiences have the power to formulate their own perceptions without bias, utilising Shakespeare to “instruct us.” Furthermore, the essence to understand Shakespeare stems from modern day leadership where people “want a change,” with greater voice. Hence, breaking of the fourth wall from Pacino makes Richard’s leadership motives more accessible to the audience who have a “connection made.” Furthermore, the use of vox pops, allows Pacino to distribute authority and voice to mass American audience, thus bridging the stigma of “inferiority… from the British.  Consequently, Pacino has the power “communicate…Shakespeare to others,” however alternatively uses Hollywood actors, to generate greater moral teachings so we “wouldn’t be so violent.” Essentially, Pacino extends his authority through this film format, to contextualise the relevance of Shakespearean ideas in a modern, multicultural society. 
Morality and conscience are determined by the extent to which individuals pursue their desires, in which our socio-cultural context influences the reception of our actions by society. The immoral actions of Richard become highly chastised by an Elizabethan society which demean “God’s enemy.” Evidently, Richard acknowledges that others “hold him a foe,” establishing his forthcoming will to transform the nobility of the monarchy to a “boisterous storm,” pathetic fallacy is reinforced by a Citizen highlighting how Richard’s dispute from Providentialism created widespread injustice to “this son of York.”   to how the ethics of society are commonly adapted  monumental and widespread injustice towards “this son of York.” Notably, the hierarchy was reined through the Divine Order by an ailing King Edward of whom Richard confesses has no “touch of pity.” Consequently, Richard’s malicious conscience is allegorically recognised with “the boar,” on his coat of arms, reflecting the Elizabethan recognition of fate and external forces. Hence supporting Shakespeare’s affirmation of the Tudor Myth questioning Richard III’s legitimacy to rule, given the “defacer of God’s handiwork.”  Furthermore, Richard’s lack of conscience is further rekindled by his mother; his birth was “a grievous burthen,” an accurate prophecy as he “murders his brothers.” Richard’s lack of regard for family ties vindicate a non-existent moral encompass which “Brother…G…the murderer be,” reiterating how the Elizabethan hierarchical system permitted Richard’s ability to manipulate the tactical nous of a “harsh extremity.” Ultimately, theocentric and feudalistic upholding during Elizabethan England permitted Richard to exploit his human morality, while his actions reinforce a villainous corrupted individual with his non-secular society.
Our morality can often be acknowledged by how we perceive and respond to our past shortcomings. Looking for Richard  exhibits Richard as a morally flawed individual rather than a “grand tyrant of the Earth.” The docudrama format seeks alternate perspectives; by utilising the adoration of Pacino to shed greater perceptions on Richard’s inner working of conscience. Manipulation of chiaroscuro embodies Richard in darkness highlighting the extent of his disability juxtaposing the “some pity for him.” Pacino, attempts to re-establish how 20th century audiences with a greater sense of liberal ethics fail to understand Shakespeare’s emphasis on creating a “kind of devil.” Additionally, Pacino’s costuming of regal clothing contrasted with a baseball cap, indicates the collaboration within his character. Hence, Pacino conceptualises Richard as a modern cult figure, with common values rather than one who “wants to be king.” The ethics of leadership on the basis of one’s religious affiliations is also questioned through the meta-documentary format. Although, Pacino being Richard is prominent in non-secular Elizabethan society, Pacino transitions away indoctrination suggesting “a person has an opinion,” reinforcing the postmodern view against naïve realism. Hence, Pacino sets important scenes at the Cloisters rather than various religious confinements, enforcing the transition to which we base our fundamental principles on the achievement of mankind rather than God. Therefore, Looking For Richard enforces how our changing environment contributes to the degree that one’s moral conscience is assessed.
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: heids on July 22, 2015, 12:30:11 pm
Hey!  Sorry, with the site being down a few days, we've left three unmarked essays.  If you've posted your essay and no one's responded, and you still want feedback, please just quickly post to say so, otherwise I won't mark your essay (Ned Nerb may, this is just my own statement).

All the best with your trial results guys! :D
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: Dump on July 26, 2015, 08:18:19 pm
Hey i just found this amazing website from a post on Facebook
This service is truly amazing, from what i've read, the feedback is so detailed and actually provide insightful knowledge to improve ones ability in order to write a band six essay. 
Anyways... sadly i got my trials next week, if you could look at my discovery essay, creative and mod C: wag the dog essay it would mean the world to me! thanks
i have the marking criteria of Mod C attached within the document, unfortunately for creative writing and discovery text i do not have the criteria, but i would assume its similar.
i have few questions
in regards to discovery text
-do you see constant engagement with discovery concepts/rubric?
-do you see how the essay can be mended and suit the question on the day of trials? if not where can i change to improve?
-does some sentences make sense? I've :-[ been told by my tutor i sometimes use words out of content :/
in regards to Mod C, this is the very same essay i memorised and got 15/20 for. the essay question was
"the manner in which composers represent people and politics has the capacity to influence society's perception of power and integrity" Evaluate the above statement making close reference to Barry Levinson's Wag the Dog, and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
-what is missing from my essay and the top band?
-where can i improve? sophistication? better techniques? structure?
In regards to creative
-does my creative convey the ideas/concepts of discovery clear?
i attempted to cover
-self discovery
-rediscovery at the end
-physical discovery
-ramification of scientific discovery
-emotional discovery
-self realization
-how discovery discerns the protagonists about himself and the others around him
-the endless future possibilities, new ideas and values stimulated by discovery
-how discovery may constrain further discoveries

Thanks so much for the help in advance. i'm really utilizing this opportunity to improve :)
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: brenden on July 27, 2015, 12:04:04 am
sadly i got my trials next week
pmsl right in the feels

I'm gonna do Mod C first. You should also check out the feedback I gave to another person doing WtD

Quote
in regards to Mod C, this is the very same essay i memorised and got 15/20 for. the essay question was
"the manner in which composers represent people and politics has the capacity to influence society's perception of power and integrity" Evaluate the above statement making close reference to Barry Levinson's Wag the Dog, and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
-what is missing from my essay and the top band?
-where can i improve? sophistication? better techniques? structure?

Spoiler
Quote
Introduction – 152
The process of fabrication of power correlates with the political motivations of individuals in modern society. The desire to maintain power and authority are scrutinised with every political action, which has furthered encouraged politicians to maintain their authoritative position at all cost. In the film ‘Wag the Dog’ by Barry Levison and in the short story ‘The Weapon’ by Fredrick Brown, the tensions between people and politics are presented through cinematic and narrative forms. The discrepancy between people and politics is a key consideration within a plethora of texts which underscores contemporary social and ethical values. This is further reinforced with Levison’s portrayal of American politics and social anxieties through the thematic concepts of ‘ethics, truth and power’ similarly; Brown consolidates the concepts of power and autonomy through objective and collective perspectives. Ultimately both texts aim to demonstrate how public and collective perceptions are represented through the manipulative nature of social politics.
Ethics and morals – wag 161
The unethical and immoral actions pursued by politicians are a key element within the narrative of the film. This is evident in the scene when the opposition party exploits the sexual misconduct of the president to amplify his immoral actions. Through the choice of emotional and persuasive language ‘Sexual relations with a girl thirteen years old’ the news reporter has intensified the situation. In response, Mr Fix It is summoned by the President, Brean acts as impeccable representation of politics, who fabricates the truth. This is evident through Levison’s utilisation of cinematic techniques such as the juxtaposition of on screen and off screen characterization to further manipulate the public and distract them from the truth. Brean’s identity is exposed in the opening scene ‘there is no B3 bomber, im working on it……’ The repetitious phrase emphasise Brean’s definitive choice to deceive the public which highlights the irresponsible behaviour of politicians as they are ignorant of the cumulative effect of their actions.
Ethics and morals – weapon 96
Comparable, in ‘Weapon’ Dr Graham denies the anarchy his weapon could do. The line ‘I am working on a weapon….’ demonstrates through dialogue that he has rationalized his endeavours so that the side effects of his research are not his responsibility, this further portrays the careless nature of humans. This is similarly manifested in ‘Wag the Dog’, as Brean embodies an egotistical personality combined with his ignorant attitude. This is evident in ‘The war isn't over 'til I say it's over’. Ultimately this negligence of moral and ethical responsibility shows that individual goals surpass collective needs.


Society represented as unintelligent – wag 156
Levinson suggests that it is the public’s lack of discernment when consuming and receiving information and a social desire for heroic sensationalism that drives the success of the government's “pageant”.  it can be argued that the government, led by Conrad Brean merely toys with the truth the American people wanted to believe; producing the war as a show to “give ‘em what they want”. The scene specifically the mid shot of the staged Albanian news report conveys the simplicity of stirring public sentiment with “poignant” images that exploits the public trust to gain emotive power. This is reinforced when an image illustrated in the non-diegetic film soundtrack of “The American Dream” which evokes patriotism by idealising “democracy” and “liberty” as the archetypal lifestyle.
Impact of politics on individuals – weapon 143
In addition, through Niemen’s action of giving Harry a loaded revolver, Frederic juxtaposes Graham’s opinion with Neman’s and suggests that actions always have consequences. The author amplifies Graham’s blindness to this in the line ‘only a madman would give a loaded revolver to an idiot’ clearly, Brown is points out Graham’s ignorance to his responsibility and substantiates his wrongfulness. The final quote uses irony and connotative words such as ‘idiot and ‘madman’’, which implies that the ignorance of certain members in society could result in the possibility of the catastrophic ramifications on humanity. This furthers the symbolic representation of the wide scale destruction that can be a result of inscience. Correspondingly in ‘Wag the Dog’ the destruction of society is executed by individual’s action. As evident in ‘we’re not going to have a war, we're going to have the appearance of a war.’
Power and authority – wag 121
Autonomy is determined by political capacities, as personal and social contexts are shaped by the media’s portrayal of contemporary issues such as election campaigns. This is evident in the film, as the establishment shot introduces political propaganda through advertising. The producer accentuates the agenda of politicians and their motivation to control society, this is seen through the use of historical allusion with the reference to Abraham Lincoln’s quote ‘don’t change horses midstream’ this further signifies the ambition of politicians to sustain their status. Ultimately in order to maintain an authoritative position and sovereignty it is essential to exploit the public with persuasive and duplicit means. Conclusively, in both texts the struggle for autonomy is a constant tension between individuals and minorities.
Autonomy – weapon 117
Autonomy is determined by an individual’s social status and their relationships with others. These relationships and the subsequent dichotomies in power highlight the skewed nature of politics. As apparent in ‘Weapon’ Graham’s dialogue ‘I fear you’re wasting your time …..’ uses assertive tone and hyperbaton to fragment and chunk the dialogue. This ascertains that the speaker has autonomy over the conversation and the wider situation. In addition, autonomy is depicted through Niemen’s action ‘I took the liberty of bringing a small gift to your son’ Brown foreshadows the reversal of power, where the situation reverts and the minority gains power. This subversive concept enforces the dynamic nature of autonomy and how it is a socially manipulated construct.

"the manner in which composers represent people and politics has the capacity to influence society's perception of power and integrity" Evaluate the above statement making close reference to Barry Levinson's Wag the Dog, and ONE other related text of your own choosing.

Introduction – 152
The process of fabrication of power correlates with the political motivations of individuals in modern society. This opening sentence has a lack of accuracy and specificity that make it not as appealing as it could be. For example, it seems that you're getting at the idea that people USE power in order to fabricate THINGS. This use of power to fabricate things is CORRUPT. That's what it seems like you're going for, here. However, "The process of fabrication of power" --- the process of faking power? How does one fake power? And what process do they use to do it?... The latter half of the sentence then gives the 'corruption' connotations, which is good and hits up the 'integrity' part of the prompt, but your opening sentence could be reworked with some added complexity and depth.The desire to maintain power and authority are scrutinised with every political action, which has furthered encouraged politicians to maintain their authoritative position at all cost.Much better second sentence In the film ‘Wag the Dog’ by Barry Levison and in the short story ‘The Weapon’ by Fredrick Brown, the tensions between people and politics are presented through cinematic and narrative forms. The discrepancy between people and politics is a key consideration within a plethora of texts which underscores contemporary social and ethical values The sentence I've struck out is pretty boring, because it's just a general sentence that mentions a mysterious "plethora of texts" and doesn't do much for the prompt or critiera. Instead, you could have hit the prompt after saying "cinematic and narrative forms", you could chuck in a sentence about how those forms respectively being to impact on society's perception of power and integrity. (Like a little taster to  technique discussion)... Something really "tasty" and "wow" about here in the introduction would demonstrate to the assessor that your essay has promise and give them something to get excited about, because a good sentence right here would really SMASH the prompt relevancy and criteria relevancy. This is further reinforced with Levison’s portrayal of American politics and social anxieties through the thematic concepts of ‘ethics, truth and power’ similarly; Brown consolidates the concepts of power and autonomy through objective and collective perspectives. Ultimately both texts aim to demonstrate how public and collective perceptions are represented through the manipulative nature of social politics. Good structure in your introduction. Opening sentence, preface to discussion, contention summary to wrap things up. Good. It's clear, it's logical. As far as how to improve, I'd improve by adding what you've called "sophistication" but I would call it a mixture of "accuracy", "depth", and "specificity".

I just mean getting deep into the prompt -- how will society be influenced by representations of power/integrity? What capacity does the composition have, to use the words of the prompt. I mentioned this in the opening sentence, and in the sentence of yours that I struck out because it was too general. Little things like these would add to your mark. Offer something insightful to the assessors. Legitimate insight that PROVES you've actually thought about the texts and the task at hand deeply.   


Ethics and morals – wag 161
The unethical and immoral actions pursued by politicians are a key element within the narrative of the film. Your topic sentences would benefit from the stuff I've outlined in this postThis is evident in the scene when the opposition party exploits the sexual misconduct of the president to amplify his immoral actions. Through the choice of emotional and persuasive language ‘Sexual relations with a girl thirteen years old’ the news reporter has intensified the situation. In response, Mr Fix It is summoned by the President, Brean acts as impeccable representation of politics, who fabricates the truth. This is evident through Levison’s utilisation of cinematic techniques such as the juxtaposition of on screen and off screen characterization to further manipulate the public and distract them from the truth. Brean’s identity is exposed in the opening scene ‘there is no B3 bomber, im working on it……’ The repetitious phrase emphasise Brean’s definitive choice to deceive the public which highlights the irresponsible behaviour of politicians as they are ignorant of the cumulative effect of their actions.

One thing that sticks out about this paragraph is that your quotes aren't super well integrated. For example: Through the choice of emotional and persuasive language ‘Sexual relations with a girl thirteen years old’... The quote just get's 'stuck' into the sentence. When you integrate quotes, you want it to be "integrated into the sentence" as if it were a "part of your normal grammar". <--- you can see in that sentence that I just put quotation marks around words I was already going to type lol. But that's how it should be in your essay. It should be like.... 'Describing "sexual relations" with a girl only "thirteen years old" evokes disgust by pairing two objects the audience would normally consider incompatible'.  --- You see how the quotes are just normal? Your writing lacks that at the moment, and I think it would be a big benefit to practise, even just for 30 minutes on a loose scrap of paper (it will make a big difference) just integrating quotes into your own personal grammar.

If you quoted things like the above with a bit more sharpness, you'd have more word space to talk about how the technique is truly impacting the audience's perception (i.e., the capacity of the composition etc -- the prompt) which would further boost your essay.



Ethics and morals – weapon 96
Comparable, in ‘Weapon’ Dr Graham denies the anarchy his weapon could do. The line ‘I am working on a weapon….’ demonstrates through dialogue that he has rationalized his endeavours so that the side effects of his research are not his responsibility, this further portrays the careless nature of humans. This is similarly manifested in ‘Wag the Dog’, as Brean embodies an egotistical personality combined with his ignorant attitude. This is evident in ‘The war isn't over 'til I say it's over’. Ultimately this negligence of moral and ethical responsibility shows that individual goals surpass collective needs.

I felt this paragraph was too short to really 'offer' much to the assessors. I'd consider lowering the amount of paragraphs and upping the amount of complexity or depth within each individual paragraph, because this one was too short for you to really do much work in the way of the criteria

Society represented as unintelligent – wag 156
Levinson suggests that it is the public’s lack of discernment when consuming and receiving information and a social desire for heroic sensationalism that drives the success of the government's “pageant” this is a better topic sentence that your first one.  it can be argued that the government, led by Conrad Brean merely toys with the truth the American people wanted to believe; producing the war as a show to “give ‘em what they want” this is better quoting.. The scene specifically the mid shot of the staged Albanian news report conveys the simplicity of stirring public sentiment with “poignant” images that exploits the public trust to gain emotive power. This is reinforced when an image illustrated in the non-diegetic film soundtrack of “The American Dream” which evokes patriotism by idealising “democracy” and “liberty” as the archetypal lifestyle. I feel like you're not as tight to the prompt as you possibly could be. Like, there's not a lot directly discussing the depiction of power and integrity and the way in which WTD has the capacity to shape societal perceptions through the way it represents things.

Impact of politics on individuals – weapon 143
In addition, through Niemen’s action of giving Harry a loaded revolver, Frederic juxtaposes Graham’s opinion with Neman’s and suggests that actions always have consequences. The author amplifies Graham’s blindness to this in the line ‘only a madman would give a loaded revolver to an idiot’ clearly, Brown is points out Graham’s ignorance to his responsibility and substantiates his wrongfulness. The final quote uses irony and connotative words such as ‘idiot and ‘madman’’, which implies that the ignorance of certain members in society could result in the possibility of the catastrophic ramifications on humanity. This furthers the symbolic representation of the wide scale destruction that can be a result of inscience. Correspondingly in ‘Wag the Dog’ the destruction of society is executed by individual’s action. As evident in ‘we’re not going to have a war, we're going to have the appearance of a war.’

Power and authority – wag 121
Autonomy is determined by political capacities, as personal and social contexts are shaped by the media’s portrayal of contemporary issues such as election campaigns. This is evident in the film, as the establishment shot introduces political propaganda through advertising. The producer accentuates the agenda of politicians and their motivation to control society, this is seen through the use of historical allusion with the reference to Abraham Lincoln’s quote ‘don’t change horses midstream’ this further signifies the ambition of politicians to sustain their status. Ultimately in order to maintain an authoritative position and sovereignty it is essential to exploit the public with persuasive and duplicit means. Conclusively, in both texts the struggle for autonomy is a constant tension between individuals and minorities.

Autonomy – weapon 117
Autonomy is determined by an individual’s social status and their relationships with others. These relationships and the subsequent dichotomies in power highlight the skewed nature of politics. As apparent in ‘Weapon’ Graham’s dialogue ‘I fear you’re wasting your time …..’ uses assertive tone and hyperbaton to fragment and chunk the dialogue. This ascertains that the speaker has autonomy over the conversation and the wider situation. In addition, autonomy is depicted through Niemen’s action ‘I took the liberty of bringing a small gift to your son’ Brown foreshadows the reversal of power, where the situation reverts and the minority gains power. This subversive concept enforces the dynamic nature of autonomy and how it is a socially manipulated construct.


What is missing?
-Depth
-Specificity and complexity of response to the prompt --- "perceptive engagement with essay question".  (Which also damages the extent to which the essay is a "highly effective" response.

Essentially, I think having so many paragraphs is a structural mistake, because it doesn't allow you to build on any of the content you put forward. Extremely talented writers might be able to get away with such a paragraph structure because they're able to successfully make the paragraphs flow into one another in a way that doesn't detract from their content. However, at the moment, your paragraphs are to some degree "removed" from one another, in a way that's like... Each paragraph, you read it, and it's like on the precipice of really "getting it", but then it ends before it goes into the requisite amount of depth. Then you go to the next paragraph and have the same experience. It would be good if you could extend a little bit, and really challenge yourself into really explaining in extraordinary and precise depth the techniques and how the text's representation of things impacts on the idea put forward by the prompt.

Doing this would also by default improve the way assessor's perceive your understanding of the rship between representation and meaning as well as your understanding of the text.

Sorry it's not more detailed, but I'm actually insanely tired right now considering it's only midnight. I gotta go to bed! Lol.
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: Dump on July 27, 2015, 12:20:08 am
I was about to sleep then got email notification about your reply haha. After school tomorrow I'll take a In depth look at all recommendations you've given and completely edit my essay. THANKS SO MUCH. And btw mod c was more of a theme/idea and I just wrote a paragraph on it, instead of actual essay, which is why it lacks flow. Will definitely edit and post it back here. Thanks again good night :)
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: brenden on July 27, 2015, 02:20:01 pm
I was about to sleep then got email notification about your reply haha. After school tomorrow I'll take a In depth look at all recommendations you've given and completely edit my essay. THANKS SO MUCH. And btw mod c was more of a theme/idea and I just wrote a paragraph on it, instead of actual essay, which is why it lacks flow. Will definitely edit and post it back here. Thanks again good night :)
Haha, you're welcome! -- Yeah, I thought that might have been the case, I just couldn't make out what was going on with your word doc so treated it like a normal essay haha.

I'll do the Creative now. Remember to check out Creative Writing - Advice from a Cambridge Uni Student

Spoiler
Quote
A breath of fresh air filled my lungs as I stepped off my boat and onto the soft white sand. The grains bathed my feet, melding with my toes. I sunk deeper and deeper, becoming part of the beach. My knees dropped, and I laid flat on my chest. I scooped up the sand, moving it from one place to the next. I controlled this sand. For once in my life, I was actually in control of my surroundings. I could have laid here for hours if I wanted to, enjoying the sunshine and the calming sound of the crashing waves approaching the shore.!!There was no more ear-piercing gunfire.!!No more hiding helplessly in overcrowded slums.!!Instead, my daughter, Faith, was chasing the waves on the shoreline, splashing water higher than she could reach, laughing, as if ten Christmas’ had come at once. This was bliss!!Our satchels were being thrown onto the shore as I lost myself in daydreams.  Faith and I picked them up and carried them to the minivan waiting by the road. Our lives packed into something so finite, it was an odd sight. But I was confident it was all for the best.!!We travelled down the road, in awe of our surroundings: people walking freely on the side of the road, wearing what they like with whom they like. There were children riding bikes and families enjoying uninterrupted conversation, never would I have seen such things where I grew up. Something was different, however. !!White people.!!
White people everywhere. I knew it was Australia and settled by the British, but I thought it had become a very multicultural place. There were a few black people, the ‘Aboriginals’ I had read about – but they certainly didn’t look too happy in their minority. Where were we Chinese to fit in, us so called ‘yellow skins’?!!As we stopped for fuel this sight continued. There were white Australians sitting on every street corner; smoking, drinking and dropping a swear word every thirty seconds. Looking around, it became apparent that we were the odd ones out, with attention mounting as every second pair of eyes was staring down at us.!!Then…!!...it happened…!!“Go back to where ya bloody came from ”!!The voice, echoing around the dull, lifeless streets, sent shivers down the spine of everyone in our group. Just like that, we knew we were not welcome. From the front porches, there were more chants - some less indecipherable than others. These people were drowning in their beer, blurring their vision and muddling their speech. There was shattered glass spread around the dusty petrol bowsers. The clanging of beer bottles, rolling and crashing around the kerbside, poured deep into our ears as more and more locals made us their centre of attention. Two men hurled spit in succession down onto the ground in front of us as they walked closely past, making us take a step back not only in fear, but nausea from their foul odour.!
“Bogans” said our local guide. “They’re a disgrace!” Confronted and dismayed, we paid for our fuel and continued our travels, relieved that these 'people' would not be our neighbours.!!Once arriving at our apartment, I introduced myself to the elderly lady at the front desk.!!“Well, well, well Who is this adorable young lady next to you?” she said.!!“Ah, this is ….. Sarah Yes, Sarah, say hello to the lady, Sarah”. Faith looked at me strangely, clearly confused by her new name. I told her that it was the name of a princess here in Australia and that people would love her even more if they called her that. With a smile, she innocently accepted this new name. Walking outside, we looked around and felt a relieving sense of peace. There was even a sand box just steps from our door. Dropping our things, Sarah and I walked over and sat down on the edge. The soft white sand was warm, like a hot stone massage for our feet. As we laid there, Sarah and I looked up at the blue sky and watched the sea gulls fly over.

We looked back down and felt our feet touch underneath the surface of the sand. !!Connected and at one. This was our new home.

Okay, so I've read the story, and I'm just going to talk generally about it before I make comments on the story itself.

Firstly, when your teacher says "punctuate correctly", what they mean is: you cannot use two punctuation marks next to one another. That is, at times, you use a full-stop and an exclamation mark, like this.!

Exclamation marks are considered as full-stops. Like, they end the sentence! You don't actually need a full-stop if you're using an exclamation mark or a question mark. Further, you never want two exclamation marks next to one another!! - This is used when we're writing on Facebook, or on forums, where we can convey alarm with things like this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! However, in a creative writing piece, you want some subtlety. That is, you want to let the language convey alarm and excitement to the reader. For example,

Imagine I was telling a story about a man who was about 160cm - so he's very short. I met this guy at a bus stop and he had a really nice coat on that I think he bought from Tarocash, and his shoes looked really new as well. He was like "hey can you lend me some money for my Opal card", and then, out of no where, he pulled out a gun!

You'll notice that the story I'm telling is pretty 'normal', and then the language of "he pulled out a gun" is pretty surprising, so I DOUBLE-UP on that surprise by using an exclamation mark. "and then, out of no where, he..." --- breaking up the sentence with commas also conveys an alarm tone, because you can imagine someone saying it like that out loud. If I wanted a more ominous tone, I'd just use a full stop instead. Compare this to your writing:

Quote
There was no more ear-piercing gunfire.!!No more hiding helplessly in overcrowded slums.!!

Now, this is a pretty crazy observation! We're learning a lot about your character... The fact that they've witnessed gunfire and slums is insane. However, the "!!" is strange. Is the person meant to be conveying excitement? I feel like this language would be really good just with full stops. Look:

Quote
There was no more ear-piercing gunfire... No more hiding helplessly in overcrowded slums."

Without the excitement, and the edition of the ellipsis (...), now the tone is more "dark" and the type of shit the character's seen is conveyed to the audience better. This is why you should really cut down on exclamation marks. Full stops and 'dot dot dot' (...) can do a lot of work, as can rhetorical questions in first-person writing.

So:


-Use less exclamation marks
-Never use two punctuation marks next to each other unless it's a question mark and an exclamation mark, like this?!
-So always only punctuate with ONE of a full stop, question mark, exclamation mark to end a sentence




In regards to creative
-does my creative convey the ideas/concepts of discovery clear?
i attempted to cover
-self discovery
-rediscovery at the end

-physical discovery
-ramification of scientific discovery
-emotional discovery
-self realization
-how discovery discerns the protagonists about himself and the others around him
-the endless future possibilities, new ideas and values stimulated by discovery
-how discovery may constrain further discoveries


If we're being strict about it, which we should be, then your story doesn't explore any of the ones with a strikeout through them, and only really properly explores "physical discovery" through the concept of immigration - the first two thirds of the story do this well.

As for truly being able to explore discovery, notice that your story isn't predominantly about discovery, but it's about a boy who comes to Australia and subsequently "discovers" something. It's not "deep" into talking about discovery and all the implications that that complex concept holds (some of which you've mentioned in the strikeout text above).

Think about when you hit a piano key. If you just tap it, it makes that weird "dng" sound. You could tap a series of keys and it would just sound strange if you were just hitting them in a different way but in a particular sequence. Now, when someone who plays piano comes along and hits the keys in the same sequence, it sounds completely different. That's sort of where you're at with discovery. You're tapping the keys in sequence... Sure, you're character discovers a new place, there's 'self-discovery' very superficially with Faith/Sarah, resdiscover of sand... But just sort of "slotting" those little bits in doesn't actually really SAY much about discovery on a deep level. Like, at all. It just 'taps the keys' in sequence instead of playing the music.

"Playing the music" can be difficult for some students, particularly in a first person piece, because the temptation is to just tell the reader all about your character. "I did this, I did that" and bla bla bla bla bla. However, what you want to do is use your story as a vessel to really hone in on whatever concept you're discussing, and do it in an interesting way at the same time. Here's an example of one of my own short stories that focusses on the concept of "Identity and Belonging", in a similar way to how one might approach the concept of Discovery: 17/20 Identity and Belonging (Skin) Short-story Example.

Notice that I do tell a story of particular events, but all of them are very deliberately constructed in a way that is relevant to the prompt and shows some facet of Identity and Belonging. I'd somewhat change the method of your story and instead of just "showing" someone discovering something (i.e., someone comes to a new country, experiences something they didn't expect, discovers something bla bla  etc), I'd want it to in some way discuss discovery. It might still be very similar, and I don't mean to literally have a discussion abotu Discovery, but "showing" is the equivalent of tapping the piano keys, and "discussing" is the type of depth that you get when you properly play a piano. Under "creating and presenting (context examples), check out people's creative pieces in this thread: English Resources and Sample High Scoring Responses --- it's not on the HSC syllabus, but it should illustrate the point. Read a few, and notice how some of them "show" and some of them are deeper. Don't worry about not knowing "identity and belonging". Not knowing will actually make it easier to observe which ones properly talk about it (you'll notice it) and which ones don't properly talk about it (you won't notice the concept of identity and belonging).   
[/list]
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: heids on July 27, 2015, 02:37:00 pm
P.S. To find creatives in English Resources and Sample High Scoring Responses, scroll down to Samples - Creating and Presenting (Context) Examples, and try any of the titles that say 'creative' (the heading, like encountering conflict or whose reality is the general area, like Discovery).  A good start could be this and this.  It's a pretty full thread so stuff's hard to find!
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: Dump on July 27, 2015, 09:39:10 pm
hey Nerd! here's the copy i was talking about
tyvm
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: brenden on July 27, 2015, 09:49:48 pm
hey Nerd! here's the copy i was talking about
tyvm
Holy shit, this is way better than the other one. Detailed feedback tomorrow :)
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: brenden on July 29, 2015, 12:08:05 pm
In regards to creative
-does my creative convey the ideas/concepts of discovery clear?
i attempted to cover
-self discovery
-rediscovery at the end
-physical discovery
-ramification of scientific discovery
-emotional discovery
-self realization
-how discovery discerns the protagonists about himself and the others around him
-the endless future possibilities, new ideas and values stimulated by discovery
-how discovery may constrain further discoveries




You basically do all of these to some degree, some more prominent than others.

Honestly, I think it's very conceptually cool - definitely a step up from stories of migration, which a lot of people write about because it's a very natural thing to turn to. The springboard of scientific discovery works well in creating a story that's actually interesting to read.

The multiple elements work well, but not perfectly. (By multiple elements, I mean the bits before and after the *** that have different purposes in your story). They work well in keeping the reader interested, however, I think there's a bit too much ambiguity. The start was good, talking about mortality and the 'invention' - this piques the reader's interest, and it's deliberately unclear, which works well. I think you may need to introduce the H+ concept slightly earlier, because when I go to the bit about hugs I was like "what the fuck is he talking about" before I realised. That's not necessarily bad, because I later realised "Oh, that's what he's talking about", but I think it's good to never have your reader ask that question in the first place.

The difference between the first element and the second element is this: in the first element I was like "Hmm, I wonder what he's talking about? He's clearly about to introduce the explanation, so I wonder what it will be", and in the second element at the start it was like "um?????".  --- Talking about hugs didn't have the same impact as talking about mortality. As in, I didn't realise you were about to explain it.

As for the third element, I didn't quite understand it. "Perform my duties" - I didn't fully understand what your protagonis's duties were. Was he like, a gatekeeper to the afterlife? Was he a hybrid H+ and a human? Adam committed suicide, but then there was a heart beating on the chest? I was just a bit confused by different things in the conclusion of this story, so I think reworking it would be somewhat beneficial.

Obviously I can't comment on the connection to the topic because there is none, but it's a well-written story that features the concept of discovery, so if you reworked it well, I think you'd be headed for a solid grade. Perhaps not quite a Band 6, but I think it would be inching up there with just a bit more hard work!
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: Dump on July 30, 2015, 02:11:36 am
hey thanks for the feedback, i've made adjustments to my creative accordingly haha.
here's my updated frost essay
2:10am right now, damn it
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: gk97 on July 30, 2015, 08:01:36 am
Can you please  read over this essay? All the details are attached (btw you can rip into it, I want all the feedback I can't get! :)
Thanks!
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: jaimebaker97 on August 03, 2015, 07:25:20 pm
Hey!
I've already posted this essay I'm just reposting just in case  :) This is my discovery essay and with the Trials coming up I'd love to have it checked! I'm worried about connections between texts and that my last paragraph isn't long enough. Feel free to be as critical as possible! Thank you again!!

The notion of self-discovery highlighted in “The Tempest” is manifested through the transformation of Prospero as he learns how to forgive. Prospero’s journey to self-discovery is reinforced by a sense of contrite release, as he learns to express remorse towards his past actions and perceives himself as responsible for his own demise. The symbolism of the storm “The noontide sun, called forth the mutinous, winds,/ And ‘twixt the green sea and the azured vault/ Set roaring war- to th’ dread rattling thunder” expresses Prospero’s emotional turmoil which is heightened by the ferocity of the tempest, as it represents the accumulation of rage Prospero has directed towards his brother, Alonso. The sound and lighting effects surround the stage building in intensity as Act 1. Scene 1. progresses further highlighting Prospero’s deep, merciless rage. This extreme level of indignation consumes Prospero causing him to contradict himself with the unfair treatment of his servant Ariel who he continues to enslave longer than originally agreed in order to serve his own purposes. Once Prospero is able to let go of the rage he holds, the responder witnesses a noteworthy change in his characterisation. Prospero reconsiders what his magic has achieved and promises to relinquish his powers and thus the metaphorical tempest inside of himself. Shakespeare has used visual imagery to convey the metaphor of the tempest as it subsides thus portraying the release of Prospero’s rage as he discovers he is able to forgive and move on. When Prospero throws his magic into the ocean it symbolises the release of his power as he realises that he does not need it, which represents the key part of his transformation.
 
Much like Prospero, Ellie in “Tomorrow When The War Began” experiences a character transformation, although hers is accentuated by the discovery of inner strength catalysed by the impact of war. Ellie’s new found strength is reinforced by her characterisation; she is able to maintain a clear head during her time of tribulation. Marsden’s use of irony highlights Ellie’s internal discovery “I wasn’t scared, just fascinated to see what would happen” as it represents the transformation of her character as she grows from her experiences to a point where she no longer fears both the internal and external war that surrounds it but simply accepts it. The acceptance of war and even death as a part of her life highlights Ellie’s transformation, which is further manifested in her self-discovery of her unknown strength. Ellie and Prospero both undergo a significant positive character transformation, as they both learn to accept and move on from the past tragedies that impact them, letting go of the darkness that clouds their minds.

The corruption of indigenous cultures at the hands of a ‘civilised’ world in the name of colonisation can be a negative outcome of exploration. The negative effects of physical discovery, highlighted by colonisation, are manifested in the characterisation of Caliban. Stephano and Trinculo manipulate Caliban to adopt modern hierarchical concepts with the intention of making Stephano king of the island. As Caliban discovers the civilised world he begins to lose his spiritual connection to the land and his culture. Although Caliban believes Stephano and Trinculo to be worthy of kings, he is not aware that they are both drunks with no regard for their civilised society who only perceive Caliban as a financial investment. They believe people will pay money to “see an indian” this use or irony demonstrates the manipulation and corruption of indigenous people around the world, conveying loss of culture by the hands of the ‘civilised world’. Caliban does eventually realise his mistakes, and much like Prospero, has his own transformation in which he repents his actions. Which includes plotting to kill Prospero. Caliban begs Prospero for forgiveness “And seek for grace. What a thrice- double ass/ Was I, to take this drunkard for a god/ And worship this dull fool!” which is bestowed upon him. Through the manipulation of Caliban the audience discovers the true nature of colonisation, and the effects it has on indigenous cultures. The discovery of new worlds can lead to negative impact upon that particular world, as Shakespeare symbolises through the characterisation of Caliban.
 
While “The Tempest” explores the discovery of new worlds, “Five Discoveries That Changed The World” explores discoveries of knowledge. The scientific discovery of fingerprints has moulded the way our society deals with crime today, enabling the law to identify victims and perpetrators far more efficiently. The photo of a fingerprint communicates the global value of this discovery demonstrated through the widely recognized close up shot of a human fingerprint. The composer’s use of an extreme close up shot heightens the significance of this discovery whereas the familiarity of the photo portrays an importance for this science within our advanced society. The recognisable picture is a symbol in our society for the criminal justice system further increasing its importance. Similarly to the discovery of new worlds this scientific discovery impacts the world as a whole.
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: brenden on August 05, 2015, 12:41:22 pm
Spoiler
Over time immemorial human beings have strived to discover relationships with their esoteric and physical surrounds which are sourced from the fundamental sense of curiosity, necessity or wonder and provokes appreciation of self and the broader society. This process ultimately engenders new ideas that illuminate facets of individuals and possibilities that were previously unknown. As such, the deprivation or endowment of self-discovery holds the dual capacity to challenge and develop an individual’s sense of discernment of the human nature. Manifestly demonstrated in Robert Frost’s romanticist poetry ‘Mending wall’ and ‘Home Burial’, and Liam Connor’s filmic production ‘Time’; encompasses aspects of personal metamorphoses, that are catalysed by human interactions with surroundings.

Acceptance is a quintessential virtue required in instigating the diversification of underdeveloped human relations. In ‘Mending Wall’ Frost depicts persona’s epiphany of his own and his neighbour’s authentic relationship. In the lines, “set the wall between us” ”we keep the wall between us” The motif of “wall”, emblemises the physical estrangement between the neighbours, with a combination of repetition and visual imagery of the landscape, Frost exhibits the authenticity of the scene, portraying the characters striving for labour while remaining emotionally and psychologically alienated. Additionally, the extended metaphor is furthered in the lines “something there is that does not love a wall” the symbolism of wall is reiterated further through the syntactical inversion of the anastrophe, where the “wall” represents the barrier between individual’s and their eagerness to  communication. As the essence of affiliation holds the capacity to include and exclude individuals, thus constraining the process of discovery.   

Through the nurturing of a multi-faceted aspect of discovery, individuals face the struggle of preserving ephemeral human relations, resulting in an evaluation of self and innate progression towards self-actualisation. Evidently, in ‘Home Burial’ Frost explicates the wife’s desire to escape proximity, the use of assertive tone “come down the stairs” illustrates the desperateness of the husband in an attempt to eradicate the fortified barriers of physical distance conceived by the wife, in unification, “staircase” functions as a symbol of existential physical and emotional partition which suggests their inability to be on common ground, her undoing her “doubtful step” downwards while he advances upwards towards her. As such, the notion of separation explicates the multifaceted human nature and how individual’s choice may restrain another’s ability to explore.

The tension between interpersonal connections determines one’s ability to rejuvenate future perception on self and broader society. The struggle ingrained within human connection is similarly manifested in ‘Time’, a contemporary tropfest short film, which accentuates the fractured affiliation between the young protagonist and his “friends”. This is palpable in the orientation, where the unnamed protagonist gathers with his comrades in the middle of a deserted forest. The employment of point of view shot in combination with the use of vector lines highlights the downfall of the protagonist who got beaten up and is impotent on the ground. The slow planning shot of the protagonist staring up into the bullies reiterates his vulnerability, which underscores his self-realisation of his engagement in flawed human affiliation. In addition, the injection of anguished soundtrack when the protagonist tears up like a little bitch illuminates the deplorable aftermath of confronting discovery, this is furthered through the framing and extreme close up shot on the tear which also proposes the endeavours of blemished human relationships as the notion of teardrop associates with struggles and depression; this underscores the detrimental ramification from reliance of others. 

'Mending Wall' deciphers the incompetence for interaction between the neighbours. As exhibited in the title, “mending” where the titular adjective suggests reparation and restoration but this is contradicted by the mixed connotations of the noun “wall” which is a divisive periphery representing obstacles preventing an individual’s eagerness to discover. Additionally, Frost’s use of active verbs, “sends” “spills” and “makes” conveys how the strange fluidity of “frozen ground swell” can create “gaps” so big that “two can pass abreast” combined with the caesura in the lines “the gaps I mean” Frost effectively reaffirms the conversational tone as the notion of “gaps” which symbolically represents the physical partition between the neighbours, which reiterates their inability to communicate, thus restrained to the introspective nature of humans. 

Likewise, in ‘Home Burial’ the concept of individual’s ineptitude to connect has been elucidated.  As displayed, the adversarial and fractured relationship between the wife and husband is palpable by her surety that he can “look” but “wouldn’t see” for from her perspective he is a “blind creature”. Frost uses dehumanisation in conjunction with the symbolism “blindness” to advocate the husband inability to communicate, thus disconnected to his surroundings. Moreover, the husband’s deterioration is established where it takes him “awhile” before he “as last” murmurs “oh,” and again “oh”. The husband’s utterance shows he has realised the flawed relationship; this is further reinforced with the fractured iambic structure on the following lines (18 and 19) which visually cue the highly charged and truncated conversation between them, which demonstrates the negative consequences of constrained relationship due to its capability to confine one from contemplation. 
     
Correspondingly, in 'Time', the central notion revolves around the introspection of interpersonal relationship and its confronting ramifications. Connor mimics the vulnerability of morality, where the climax is depicted through the process of the protagonist’s mother essentially dying, explicates the ephemeral nature of life. Through the use of slow panning shot, in conjunction with the mise en scene of the forest, plus the concentrated framing of plants, Connor symbolises Mother Nature and its capacity to limit ones desire for self-examination. This is furthered through the application of extensive sound techniques, as apparent in the ending scene, when the van falls into the lake, the instalment of non-diegetic background music, in combination with the use of slow motion shot; this triggers anticipation, panic, sorrow, faith and astonishment. As such, the melody slowly fades which highlights the treacherous situation, seen through the use of the underwater shot, Connor displays the protagonist's mother is running out of breath, supported with the diminishment of the soundtrack. Conclusively, the silence hints the fleeting qualities of life and the adverse ramification of unanticipated and impulsive self-realisation.

Through insightful representations of the dynamic human nature, Robert Frost’s ‘Mending Wall’, ‘Home Burial’ and Liam Connor’s ‘Time’ analogously forefronts the problematic nature of disorientated relationships, which has provided a perception of human beings, advocating discoveries which endangers disparate dilemmas hinging on individual’s situations. Conclusively, the authors have successfully illuminated audiences on the imbedded intricacies of discovery, and its preponderance in the enrichment of an individual’s perception of self, and the broader society.

Over time immemorial human beings have strived to discover relationships with their esotericesoteric is misused i think, or at least seems weird to use and physical surroundssurroundings which are sourced from the fundamental sense of curiosity, necessity or wonder and provokes appreciation of self and the broader society. Cool opening sentence. I'm nervous that you're going to end up throwing huge words at me that are supposed to be beautiful, but we'll see what happenesThis process ultimately engenders new ideas that illuminate facets of individuals and possibilities that were previously unknown. As such, the deprivation or endowment of self-discovery holds the dual capacity to challenge and develop an individual’s sense of discernment of the human natureBit awkward. Manifestly demonstrated what is manifestly demonstrated? these words are just stuck here a bit in Robert Frost’s romanticist poetry ‘Mending wall’ and ‘Home Burial’, and Liam Connor’s filmic production ‘Time’; encompasses aspects of personal metamorphoses, that are catalysed by human interactions with surroundings.
Cool! I can see you're really looking to broach big issues of discovery, which is fantastic.


Acceptance is a quintessential virtue required in instigating the diversification of underdeveloped human relations This sentence is just too much. When you shove too much 'fancy' words in a sentence, it detracts from what you're saying and probably starts to annoy your assessor. A little bit of it is okay and probably beneficial, but too much makes for ugly writing. In ‘Mending Wall’ Frost depicts persona’s epiphany of his own and his neighbour’s authentic relationship. In the lines, “set the wall between us” and ”we keep the wall between us” The motif of “wall”, emblemises the physical estrangement between the neighbours, with a combination of repetition and visual imagery of the landscape, Frost exhibits the authenticity of the scene, portraying the characters striving for labour while remaining emotionally and psychologically alienated This is an example of where 'too much' detracts, because I'm not fully sure what you're saying. You jumped form the physical disconnection to something about land and authenticity  and then another jump to 'striving for labor' ??? --- just ensure that each of your ideas gets appropriate treatment and the time they deserve. if you have to leave something out, that's fine. it's better to have less done better than have lots done bt. Additionally, the extended metaphor is furthered in the lines “something there is that does not love a wall” the symbolism of wall is reiterated further through the syntactical inversion of the anastrophe, where the “wall” represents the barrier between individual’s and their eagerness to  communication. As the essence of affiliation holds the capacity to include and exclude individuals, thus constraining the process of discovery.   

Through the nurturing of a multi-faceted aspect of discovery, individuals face the struggle of preserving ephemeral human relations, resulting in an evaluation of self and innate progression towards self-actualisation. Evidently, in ‘Home Burial’ Frost explicates the wife’s desire to escape proximityescape proximity? this doesn't make much sense. this is where you have to be careful about the language , the use of assertive tone “come down the stairs” illustrates the desperateness of the husband in an attempt to eradicate the fortified barriers of physical distance conceived by the wife this is cool, in unification, “staircase” functions as a symbol of existential physical and emotional partition way too muchwhich suggests their inability to be on common ground, her undoing her “doubtful step” downwards while he advances upwards towards her. As such, the notion of separation explicates the multifaceted human nature and how individual’s choice may restrain another’s ability to explore.

The tension between interpersonal connections determines one’s ability to rejuvenate future perception on self and broader society. The struggle ingrained within human connection is similarly manifested in ‘Time’, a contemporary tropfest short film, which accentuates the fractured affiliation between the young protagonist and his “friends”. This is palpable in the orientation, where the unnamed protagonist gathers with his comrades in the middle of a deserted forest. The employment of point of view shot in combination with the use of vector lines highlights the downfall of the protagonist who got beaten up and is impotent on the ground. The slow planning shot of the protagonist staring up into the bullies reiterates his vulnerability, which underscores his self-realisation of his engagement in flawed human affiliation. In addition, the injection of anguished soundtrack when the protagonist tears up like a little bitch HAHAHAHAHAHA WHAT THE FUCK XD did you forget to delete this? so funnyilluminates the deplorable aftermath of confronting discovery, this is furthered through the framing and extreme close up shot on the tear which also proposes the endeavours of blemished human relationships as the notion of teardrop associates with struggles and depression; this underscores the detrimental ramification from reliance of others. 

'Mending Wall' deciphers the incompetence for interaction between the neighbours. As exhibited in the title, “mending” where the titular adjective suggests reparation and restoration but this is contradicted by the mixed connotations of the noun “wall” which is a divisive periphery representing obstacles preventing an individual’s eagerness to discover. Additionally, Frost’s use of active verbs, “sends” “spills” and “makes” conveys how the strange fluidity of “frozen ground swell” can create “gaps” so big that “two can pass abreast” combined with the caesura in the lines “the gaps I mean” Frost effectively reaffirms the conversational tone as the notion of “gaps” which symbolically represents the physical partition between the neighbours, which reiterates their inability to communicate, thus restrained to the introspective nature of humans.  i feel like your essay is at times more focussed on discussing human connection or relations than it is discovery. something to be wary of!

Likewise, in ‘Home Burial’ the concept of individual’s ineptitude to connect has been elucidated.  As displayed, the adversarial and fractured relationship between the wife and husband is palpable by her surety that he can “look” but “wouldn’t see” for from her perspective he is a “blind creature”.amount of strong words letting this sentence down Frost uses dehumanisation in conjunction with the symbolism “blindness” to advocate the husband inability to communicate, thus disconnected to his surroundings. Moreover, the husband’s deterioration is established where it takes him “awhile” before he “as last” murmurs “oh,” and again “oh”. The husband’s utterance shows he has realised the flawed relationship; this is further reinforced with the fractured iambic structure on the following lines (18 and 19) which visually cue the highly charged and truncated conversation between them, which demonstrates the negative consequences of constrained relationship due to its capability to confine one from contemplation. 
     
Correspondingly, in 'Time', the central notion revolves around the introspection of interpersonal relationship and its confronting ramifications. Connor mimics the vulnerability of morality, where the climax is depicted through the process of the protagonist’s mother essentially dying, explicates the ephemeral nature of life. Through the use of slow panning shot, in conjunction with the mise en scene of the forest, plus the concentrated framing of plants, Connor symbolises Mother Nature and its capacity to limit ones desire for self-examination. This is furthered through the application of extensive sound techniques, as apparent in the ending scene, when the van falls into the lake, the instalment of non-diegetic background music, in combination with the use of slow motion shot; this triggers anticipation, panic, sorrow, faith and astonishment. As such, the melody slowly fades which highlights the treacherous situation, seen through the use of the underwater shot, Connor displays the protagonist's mother is running out of breath, supported with the diminishment of the soundtrack. Conclusively, the silence hints the fleeting qualities of life and the adverse ramification of unanticipated and impulsive self-realisation.

Through insightful representations of the dynamic human nature, Robert Frost’s ‘Mending Wall’, ‘Home Burial’ and Liam Connor’s ‘Time’ analogously forefronts the problematic nature of disorientated relationships, which has provided a perception of human beings, advocating discoveries which endangers disparate dilemmas hinging on individual’s situations. Conclusively, the authors have successfully illuminated audiences on the imbedded intricacies of discovery, and its preponderance in the enrichment of an individual’s perception of self, and the broader society.




I get that you've gotta talk about human connection and relationships, which is a cool concept and works with Frost, but I think this is too disproportionally skewed away from discovery. like, you wanna use human connection as a springboard to discuss discovery, not discuss discovery amongst discussing human connection. atm it's like 70% human connection, 30% discovery, but it needs to be closer to hte other way around. Remember that your task is to explore issues of discovery, and human connection can be one method you use to do that, however, it needs to stay only a METHOD and not a task in and of itself.

The language at times also is way too much to have a positive influence on your assessor - i'd tone it down a bit :) good luck for trials!
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: brenden on August 05, 2015, 01:02:43 pm
Spoiler
The notion of self-discovery highlighted in “The Tempest” is manifested through the transformation of Prospero as he learns how to forgive. Prospero’s journey to self-discovery is reinforced by a sense of contrite release, as he learns to express remorse towards his past actions and perceives himself as responsible for his own demise. The symbolism of the storm “The noontide sun, called forth the mutinous, winds,/ And ‘twixt the green sea and the azured vault/ Set roaring war- to th’ dread rattling thunder” expresses Prospero’s emotional turmoil which is heightened by the ferocity of the tempest, as it represents the accumulation of rage Prospero has directed towards his brother, Alonso. The sound and lighting effects surround the stage building in intensity as Act 1. Scene 1. progresses further highlighting Prospero’s deep, merciless rage. This extreme level of indignation consumes Prospero causing him to contradict himself with the unfair treatment of his servant Ariel who he continues to enslave longer than originally agreed in order to serve his own purposes. Once Prospero is able to let go of the rage he holds, the responder witnesses a noteworthy change in his characterisation. Prospero reconsiders what his magic has achieved and promises to relinquish his powers and thus the metaphorical tempest inside of himself. Shakespeare has used visual imagery to convey the metaphor of the tempest as it subsides thus portraying the release of Prospero’s rage as he discovers he is able to forgive and move on. When Prospero throws his magic into the ocean it symbolises the release of his power as he realises that he does not need it, which represents the key part of his transformation.
 
Much like Prospero, Ellie in “Tomorrow When The War Began” experiences a character transformation, although hers is accentuated by the discovery of inner strength catalysed by the impact of war. Ellie’s new found strength is reinforced by her characterisation; she is able to maintain a clear head during her time of tribulation. Marsden’s use of irony highlights Ellie’s internal discovery “I wasn’t scared, just fascinated to see what would happen” as it represents the transformation of her character as she grows from her experiences to a point where she no longer fears both the internal and external war that surrounds it but simply accepts it. The acceptance of war and even death as a part of her life highlights Ellie’s transformation, which is further manifested in her self-discovery of her unknown strength. Ellie and Prospero both undergo a significant positive character transformation, as they both learn to accept and move on from the past tragedies that impact them, letting go of the darkness that clouds their minds.

The corruption of indigenous cultures at the hands of a ‘civilised’ world in the name of colonisation can be a negative outcome of exploration. The negative effects of physical discovery, highlighted by colonisation, are manifested in the characterisation of Caliban. Stephano and Trinculo manipulate Caliban to adopt modern hierarchical concepts with the intention of making Stephano king of the island. As Caliban discovers the civilised world he begins to lose his spiritual connection to the land and his culture. Although Caliban believes Stephano and Trinculo to be worthy of kings, he is not aware that they are both drunks with no regard for their civilised society who only perceive Caliban as a financial investment. They believe people will pay money to “see an indian” this use or irony demonstrates the manipulation and corruption of indigenous people around the world, conveying loss of culture by the hands of the ‘civilised world’. Caliban does eventually realise his mistakes, and much like Prospero, has his own transformation in which he repents his actions. Which includes plotting to kill Prospero. Caliban begs Prospero for forgiveness “And seek for grace. What a thrice- double ass/ Was I, to take this drunkard for a god/ And worship this dull fool!” which is bestowed upon him. Through the manipulation of Caliban the audience discovers the true nature of colonisation, and the effects it has on indigenous cultures. The discovery of new worlds can lead to negative impact upon that particular world, as Shakespeare symbolises through the characterisation of Caliban.
 
While “The Tempest” explores the discovery of new worlds, “Five Discoveries That Changed The World” explores discoveries of knowledge. The scientific discovery of fingerprints has moulded the way our society deals with crime today, enabling the law to identify victims and perpetrators far more efficiently. The photo of a fingerprint communicates the global value of this discovery demonstrated through the widely recognized close up shot of a human fingerprint. The composer’s use of an extreme close up shot heightens the significance of this discovery whereas the familiarity of the photo portrays an importance for this science within our advanced society. The recognisable picture is a symbol in our society for the criminal justice system further increasing its importance. Similarly to the discovery of new worlds this scientific discovery impacts the world as a whole.

The notion of self-discovery highlighted in “The Tempest” is manifested through the transformation of Prospero as he learns how to forgive.Nice and clear. Prospero’s journey to self-discovery is reinforced by a sense of contrite release, as he learns to express remorse towards his past actions and perceives himself as responsible for his own demise. The symbolism of the storm “The noontide sun, called forth the mutinous, winds,/ And ‘twixt the green sea and the azured vault/ Set roaring war- to th’ dread rattling thunder” expresses Prospero’s emotional turmoil which is heightened by the ferocity of the tempest, as it represents the accumulation of rage Prospero has directed towards his brother, Alonso. The sound and lighting effects surround the stage building in intensity as Act 1. Scene 1. progresses further highlighting Prospero’s deep, merciless rage. This extreme level of indignation consumes Prospero causing him to contradict himself with the unfair treatment of his servant Ariel who he continues to enslave longer than originally agreed in order to serve his own purposes. Once Prospero is able to let go of the rage he holds, the responder witnesses a noteworthy change in his characterisation. Prospero reconsiders what his magic has achieved and promises to relinquish his powers and thus the metaphorical tempest inside of himself. Shakespeare has used visual imagery to convey the metaphor of the tempest as it subsides thus portraying the release of Prospero’s rage as he discovers he is able to forgive and move on. When Prospero throws his magic into the ocean it symbolises the release of his power as he realises that he does not need it, which represents the key part of his transformation.Cool! Looking good so far
 
Much like Prospero, Ellie in “Tomorrow When The War Began” experiences a character transformation, although hers is accentuated by the discovery of inner strength catalysed by the impact of war. Ellie’s new found strength is reinforced by her characterisation; she is able to maintain a clear head during her time of tribulation. Marsden’s use of irony highlights Ellie’s internal discovery “I wasn’t scared, just fascinated to see what would happen” as it represents the transformation of her character as she grows from her experiences to a point where she no longer fears both the internal and external war that surrounds it but simply accepts it. The acceptance of war and even death as a part of her life highlights Ellie’s transformation, which is further manifested in her self-discovery of her unknown strength. Ellie and Prospero both undergo a significant positive character transformation, as they both learn to accept and move on from the past tragedies that impact them, letting go of the darkness that clouds their minds.

The corruption of indigenous cultures at the hands of a ‘civilised’ world in the name of colonisation can be a negative outcome of exploration. The negative effects of physical discovery, highlighted by colonisation, are manifested in the characterisation of Caliban. Stephano and Trinculo manipulate Caliban to adopt modern hierarchical concepts with the intention of making Stephano king of the island. As Caliban discovers the civilised world he begins to lose his spiritual connection to the land and his culture. Although Caliban believes Stephano and Trinculo to be worthy of kings, he is not aware that they are both drunks with no regard for their civilised society who only perceive Caliban as a financial investment. They believe people will pay money to “see an indian” this use or irony demonstrates the manipulation and corruption of indigenous people around the world, conveying loss of culture by the hands of the ‘civilised world’. Caliban does eventually realise his mistakes, and much like Prospero, has his own transformation in which he repents his actions. Which includes plotting to kill Prospero. Caliban begs Prospero for forgiveness “And seek for grace. What a thrice- double ass/ Was I, to take this drunkard for a god/ And worship this dull fool!” which is bestowed upon him. Through the manipulation of Caliban the audience discovers the true nature of colonisation, and the effects it has on indigenous cultures. The discovery of new worlds can lead to negative impact upon that particular world, as Shakespeare symbolises through the characterisation of Caliban. Notice that you don't discuss discovery until it's like "BANG - SURPRISE" at the end of the paragraph. If you could integrate discussion of discovery into your discussion of corruption as it occurs, I think that would be beneficial
 
While “The Tempest” explores the discovery of new worlds, “Five Discoveries That Changed The World” explores discoveries of knowledge. The scientific discovery of fingerprints has moulded the way our society deals with crime today, enabling the law to identify victims and perpetrators far more efficiently. The photo of a fingerprint communicates the global value of this discovery demonstrated through the widely recognized close up shot of a human fingerprint. The composer’s use of an extreme close up shot heightens the significance of this discovery whereas the familiarity of the photo portrays an importance for this science within our advanced society. The recognisable picture is a symbol in our society for the criminal justice system further increasing its importance. Similarly to the discovery of new worlds this scientific discovery impacts the world as a whole.Great paragraph. Perhaps a little short, but discovery discussed throughout bumps up the quality.





Your connection between texts is fine I think! You bridge them well between paragraphs and bring it back at the end of a paragraph and properly have a thematic relation or some level of connection between the texts you're talking about. Discovery was properly prominent and discussed well, with perhaps a minor amount of opportunities for expansion. I'd be really confident going into trials - do your best!! :)
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: heids on August 05, 2015, 06:13:56 pm
Hey Jaime, just a bit of expansion on Ned Nerb's and no harm getting two lots of feedback! (wrote stuff on the bus last night but didn't have internet so forgot about it till now)

Assume you also have an intro and conclusion :P

The notion of self-discovery highlighted in “The Tempest” is manifested through the transformation of Prospero as he learns how to forgive. Prospero’s journey to self-discovery is reinforced by a sense of contrite release, as he learns to express remorse towards his past actions and perceives himself as responsible for his own demise. The symbolism of the storm “The noontide sun, called forth the mutinous, winds,/ And ‘twixt the green sea and the azured vault/ Set roaring war- to th’ dread rattling thunder” should shorten this quote so that it fits into the grammar of the sentence, e.g. ‘The symbolism of the ‘dread rattling thunder…’  I've highlighted quotes blue throughout to show that you probably need a couple more, you have 1-2 per para and should probably aim for more like 3.  Also yeah, you do a bit of 'quote dump' where you go a bit like this: sentQUOTEence.  You're going forward with a smooth sentence and in the middle you just drop a quote and then pick up where you left off before the quote.  See examples below for how I suggest fixing it. expresses Prospero’s emotional turmoil which is heightened by the ferocity of the tempest, as it represents the accumulation of rage Prospero has directed towards his brother, Alonso. The sound and lighting effects surround the stage building in intensity as Act 1. Scene 1. progresses further highlighting Prospero’s deep, merciless rage. This extreme level of indignation consumes Prospero causing him to contradict himself with the unfair treatment of his servant Ariel who he continues to enslave longer than originally agreed in order to serve his own purposes this verges a bit on story-telling, discussing details of the plot that aren’t 100% relevant to your point – try the basic rule, if you don’t analyse something, don’t mention it. Once Prospero is able to let go of the rage he holds, the responder witnesses a noteworthy change in his characterisation maybe just coz I don’t know the text, but what do you mean by ‘the responder’?  If you just mean the readers, this could be significantly shortened.  Here’s my rewrite of this section: Once Prospero is able to let go of the rage he holds – symbolised by relinquishing his powers by throwing his magic into the ocean – blah blah blah.. Prospero reconsiders what his magic has achieved and promises to relinquish his powers and thus the metaphorical tempest inside of himself. Shakespeare has used uses visual imagery such as? to convey the metaphor of the tempest as it subsides thus portraying the release of Prospero’s rage as he discovers he is able to forgive and move on. When Prospero throws his magic into the ocean it symbolises the release of his power as he realises that he does not need it, which represents the key part of his transformation.
This could link to your ideas about ‘discovery’ more; think about WHAT he discovers and HOW he discovers it, and what that leads to.  What is the catalyst of this transformation?  What does he discover and how?  It’s really really great to discuss the metaphors etc., but then you need to focus on linking them even more to your deeper ideas about discovery!

Much like Prospero, Ellie in “Tomorrow When The War Began” experiences a character transformation, although hers is accentuated by the discovery of inner strength catalysed by the impact of war. Ellie’s new found strength is reinforced by her characterisation; she is able to maintain a clear head during her time of tribulation. Marsden’s use of irony highlights Ellie’s internal discovery “I wasn’t scared, just fascinated to see what would happen” Marsden's use of irony, as Ellie describes herself as "fascinated" rather than "scared", highlights Ellie's internal discovery... (see how the quote is worked into your grammar?) as it represents the transformation of her character as she grows from her experiences to a point where she no longer fears both the internal and external war that surrounds it but simply accepts it. Beautiful sentence! The acceptance of war and even death as a part of her life highlights Ellie’s transformation, which is further manifested in her self-discovery of her unknown strength. Ellie and Prospero both undergo a significant positive character transformation, as they both learn to accept and move on from the past tragedies that impact them, letting go of the darkness that clouds their minds.

The corruption of indigenous cultures at the hands of a ‘civilised’ world in the name of colonisation can be a negative outcome of exploration. This feels totally disjoined from the paragraph before – is there any way you can link them? The negative effects of physical discovery, highlighted by colonisation, are manifested in the characterisation of Caliban.A great tip for punchy writing: take out 'ed' verbs, like 'are manifested'.  You can make it punchier by making the characterisation the 'subject' or 'doer', like this: Caliban's characterisation manifests the negative effects of physical discovery. Rather than 'Y is manifested in X', this says 'X manifests Y'.  Stephano and Trinculo manipulate Caliban to adopt modern hierarchical concepts with the intention of making Stephano king of the island. As Caliban discovers the civilised world he begins to lose his spiritual connection to the land and his culture. Although Caliban believes Stephano and Trinculo to be worthy of kings, he is not aware that they are both drunks with no regard for their civilised society who only perceive Caliban as a financial investment. They believe people will pay money to “see an indian” this use or irony Again, quote integration: The use of irnoy in their belief that people will pay money to 'see an Indian'...demonstrates the manipulation and corruption of indigenous people around the world, conveying loss of culture by the hands of the ‘civilised world’. Caliban does eventually realise his mistakes, and much like Prospero, has his own transformation in which he repents his actions. Which includes plotting to kill Prospero. Caliban begs Prospero for forgiveness “And seek for grace. What a thrice- double ass/ Was I, to take this drunkard for a god/ And worship this dull fool!” which is bestowed upon him there are a number of small details throughout this that aren't necessary so should be scotched; details that don't contribute to your point always want to sneak in, so strive to cut them down!. Through the manipulation of Caliban the audience discovers the true nature of colonisation, and the effects it has on indigenous cultures. The discovery of new worlds can lead to negative impact upon that particular world, as Shakespeare symbolises through the characterisation of Caliban I cut that because you've said it before.
 
While “The Tempest” explores the discovery of new worlds, “Five Discoveries That Changed The World” explores discoveries of knowledge. The scientific discovery of fingerprints has moulded the way our society deals with crime today, enabling the law to identify victims and perpetrators far more efficiently. The photo of a fingerprint communicates the global value of this discovery demonstrated through the widely recognized close up shot of a human fingerprint. The composer’s use of an extreme close up shot heightens the significance of this discovery whereas the familiarity of the photo portrays an importance for this science within our advanced society. The recognisable picture is a symbol in our society for the criminal justice system further increasing its importance. Again, the underlined section could be make significantly more concise - and more specific, too, about how it is significant.  Saying 'it's recognisable which increases its importance' isn't the greatest you could write, because first you need to explain how that increases its importance, and second you want to highlight what exactly about it is important.  How has it impacted our society, specifically?  Linking word/verb, eg. 'hence' or 'this reveals that' Similarly to the discovery of new worlds this scientific discovery impacts the world as a whole. Sometimes positive, sometimes negative? (good thing to discuss)  Plus again you could be more specific: just saying 'it impacts the world as a whole' is limited, you want to show how it impacts the world.

Yeah, as Ned Nerb said, great effort, and you should walk confident into trials. :) :) :)
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: Dump on August 09, 2015, 03:53:13 am
hey, trials is on monday, i would really appreciated if this can be checked up before sunday!!!!!! #NOPRESSURE
ahhaha its ok if you guys are busy, worth a try :)
MOD B - Critical Study of Text
MOD A - Comparative Study of Texts
Mod A has a very general question (from assignment i got 9/10), whereas Mod B they could ask anything, so yeah...... i didn't bother putting a essay cause if i focus on one thing i would most likely be screwed LOL. just gonna adapt to the q on the day :)
ty in advance

updated essays. trials in 24 hours x_x
Board of Studies requirement attached
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: JesSizzle on August 30, 2015, 01:00:32 pm
Hi all

Just wondering if anybody would like to comment and give me feedback for an english essay Im writing. I really struggle with english and it would mean the world to me if anyone could help me out because i really want to improve.  :)  I just need to finish proof reading and then i will attach it along with the question and marking criteria.

I would very much appreciate your time and feedback   
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: brenden on August 30, 2015, 01:38:00 pm
Hi all

Just wondering if anybody would like to comment and give me feedback for an english essay Im writing. I really struggle with english and it would mean the world to me if anyone could help me out because i really want to improve.  :)  I just need to finish proof reading and then i will attach it along with the question and marking criteria.

I would very much appreciate your time and feedback
Hey JesSizzle!

Totally :). Finish your proof and post it up! (By the way, it's easier if people copy/paste the essay so no one has to download the file and fuck around with Word documents, but I don't really mind either way).
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: JesSizzle on August 30, 2015, 04:54:42 pm
Thank you so much from what i can tell your feedback is excellent please don't hold back i need all the help i can get





Question

Discuss how both Winton and Saed reflect their context in their values and ideas they represent and the ways their texts were created.

Marking Criteria for top band.

•   Demonstrates extensive and insightful understanding of the meaning of a pair of texts and the values and ideas they convey.

•   Evaluates skilfully the relationship between texts and contexts using well-selected and detailed textual reference.

•   Composes a perceptive analysis using language appropriate to audience purpose and form.



Values are inherent in every composer’s context and because of the subjective nature of texts; these values are reflected in texts. Tim Winton’s short story Big World and Zohra Saed’s What The Scar Revealed and Voices: Achieves Of Spines all contain inherent values of freedom and identity, however from these values we can further develop ideas such as, the inextricable connection with place that shapes ones identity and the role of oppression that motivates the pursuit of freedom. These fundamental ideas are common throughout these texts but the way the in which they have been interpreted and embedded within these texts correspond directly with the composers personal and cultural context.


The role of oppression in motivating the pursuit of freedom is a common idea reflected in both texts. Both motives and ramifications of the pursuit of freedom are represented differently in each text due to the personal context of each composer.
In Winton’s Big World freedom is a self-indulgence away from the oppression of the limited opportunities in their home town.
“We’d be like all the other poor stranded failures who stayed in Angelus. But now we’re on the road its time for second thoughts.”
The retrospective tone alludes to the sense of oppression and failure the characters have about their hometown, Angelus. However the use of the present tense and the idiom “its time for second thoughts” shows the audience that their pursuit for freedom consequently leads them into the uncertain future outside their familiar hometown. The ironic tittle Big Word also provides a sense of oppression that the character feels as they are oppressed by the limited opportunities as well as their monotonous jobs at the meatworks. Towards the end of this narrative the characters gain freedom but as a ramification they feel hopeless in the uncertain situation, however they no longer feel the oppression of monotony in their situation past in their hometown.
From Winton’s personal context growing up in rural Albany his characters emotions correspond directly to his personal experiences of the hopelessness and monotony of life after school and feelings of uncertainty about his writing career and future while he was an adolescent, this is effectively represented in his short story Big World

Saed whose pursuit for freedom is essential for her survival presents an alternate idea.
“She throws a tinselled veil up to the sky and catches lapis coloured doves”
Throughout the Poem What The Scar Revealed Saed creates vivid imagery and uses symbolism, Doves symbolic of freedom, and Lapis a precision stone reflects the extent to which she values freedom.
“ I taste the past from which we have escaped with our lives.”  Similarly in Voices: Archive of Spines Saed uses sustained metaphors evoking the senses. The personal taste connotes feelings of bittersweet, Nostalgic of her Afghan culture but appreciative of her new found freedom. From this textual evidence we can understand that the absences of freedom is detrimental to the characters and motivates her pursuit to freedom in a foreign country. From Saed’s personal context of growing up in Afghanistan before moving to America, the audience gains an insight into the difficulties Saed was faced when she moved to American and became immersed in a foreign culture. Her writing reflects both the the characters and her own pursuit for freedom and consequently their efforts to preserve their culture and tradition in a foreign place.

The inextricable connection with place that shapes ones identity is an idea that reflects the composer’s cultural context in their texts. Winton presents a spiritual and familiar connection to place that shapes his characters identity.
“ I’m vague about my whereabouts and look out at the monastery and church spires and whitewashed walls of the town while she tells me I’m throwing my future away”
The first person voice gives a sense that the audience is witnessing the characters internal thoughts, as they find themselves lost in and unfamiliar place. The narrator then recognises a church. This is a reflection of Winton’s cultural context growing up in fundamentalist Christian family. The familiar church can also symbolise both Winton’s and the narrator’s belief that religion can provide guidance in uncertainty. Also the father of the narrator is absent from the phone call as well as the story. Although in Big Word a father figure is not directly mentioned the character Vic Lang is a motif throughout the whole anthology. From Big World the audience is present with aspects of Winton’s cultural context of growing up in a matriarchal family that highly valued education and religion. Through his context Winton’s identity is reflected among the characters.

For Saed hey identity is shaped by her Afghan culture and family traditions. The absence of her culture in her foreign country where she resides is what motivates Saed to preserve it. From her cultural context leaving her country when she was only 1 year old. Through the memories and stories of her Aunts and grandmothers, the storytellers she preserves her lost identity that deeply connected her Afghan ethnicity. “Aunts who have embroided history onto the hems of sleeves and skirts”
In Voices: Archive of Spines this imagery of embroidery connotes feelings of pride and creativity it clearly represents the family pride of their heritage by using a metaphor to present the way they skilfully preserve their history and culture that shapes their identity “ Grandmothers tell the story of: how wounds heal only after they have memorised the moment of hurt” form this quote in What the Scar revealed Saed uses the umbilical chord scar and it pain as metaphor for the pain and suffering of leaving behind a culture but the recovery and resolution the characters find in persevering these memories of the characters birthplace. Saed’s deep connection to her birthplace and her valued Afghan culture is what shapes Saed’s identity. Winton’s characters identities are shaped by the components of the place they live in such as education, family and religion. Similarly both have the common issue of displacement but preserve their cultural identity through religion, tradition as well as family connects and place.


The role of oppression, motivating the pursuit of freedom as well as the inextricable connection between place and identity are to ideas that are common to both texts. However it is the techniques and the ways these ideas are imbedded into these texts that give the audience a deep insight into both the personal and the cultural context of the composers. All texts are constructs and therefore the ways in which ideas are interpreted will be derived from the composer context.
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: brenden on August 30, 2015, 08:32:52 pm
Spoiler
Thank you so much from what i can tell your feedback is excellent please don't hold back i need all the help i can get

Question

Discuss how both Winton and Saed reflect their context in their values and ideas they represent and the ways their texts were created.

Marking Criteria for top band.

•   Demonstrates extensive and insightful understanding of the meaning of a pair of texts and the values and ideas they convey.

•   Evaluates skilfully the relationship between texts and contexts using well-selected and detailed textual reference.

•   Composes a perceptive analysis using language appropriate to audience purpose and form.



Values are inherent in every composer’s context and because of the subjective nature of texts; these values are reflected in texts. Tim Winton’s short story Big World and Zohra Saed’s What The Scar Revealed and Voices: Achieves Of Spines all contain inherent values of freedom and identity, however from these values we can further develop ideas such as, the inextricable connection with place that shapes ones identity and the role of oppression that motivates the pursuit of freedom. These fundamental ideas are common throughout these texts but the way the in which they have been interpreted and embedded within these texts correspond directly with the composers personal and cultural context.


The role of oppression in motivating the pursuit of freedom is a common idea reflected in both texts. Both motives and ramifications of the pursuit of freedom are represented differently in each text due to the personal context of each composer.
In Winton’s Big World freedom is a self-indulgence away from the oppression of the limited opportunities in their home town.
“We’d be like all the other poor stranded failures who stayed in Angelus. But now we’re on the road its time for second thoughts.”
The retrospective tone alludes to the sense of oppression and failure the characters have about their hometown, Angelus. However the use of the present tense and the idiom “its time for second thoughts” shows the audience that their pursuit for freedom consequently leads them into the uncertain future outside their familiar hometown. The ironic tittle Big Word also provides a sense of oppression that the character feels as they are oppressed by the limited opportunities as well as their monotonous jobs at the meatworks. Towards the end of this narrative the characters gain freedom but as a ramification they feel hopeless in the uncertain situation, however they no longer feel the oppression of monotony in their situation past in their hometown.
From Winton’s personal context growing up in rural Albany his characters emotions correspond directly to his personal experiences of the hopelessness and monotony of life after school and feelings of uncertainty about his writing career and future while he was an adolescent, this is effectively represented in his short story Big World

Saed whose pursuit for freedom is essential for her survival presents an alternate idea.
“She throws a tinselled veil up to the sky and catches lapis coloured doves”
Throughout the Poem What The Scar Revealed Saed creates vivid imagery and uses symbolism, Doves symbolic of freedom, and Lapis a precision stone reflects the extent to which she values freedom.
“ I taste the past from which we have escaped with our lives.”  Similarly in Voices: Archive of Spines Saed uses sustained metaphors evoking the senses. The personal taste connotes feelings of bittersweet, Nostalgic of her Afghan culture but appreciative of her new found freedom. From this textual evidence we can understand that the absences of freedom is detrimental to the characters and motivates her pursuit to freedom in a foreign country. From Saed’s personal context of growing up in Afghanistan before moving to America, the audience gains an insight into the difficulties Saed was faced when she moved to American and became immersed in a foreign culture. Her writing reflects both the the characters and her own pursuit for freedom and consequently their efforts to preserve their culture and tradition in a foreign place.

The inextricable connection with place that shapes ones identity is an idea that reflects the composer’s cultural context in their texts. Winton presents a spiritual and familiar connection to place that shapes his characters identity.
“ I’m vague about my whereabouts and look out at the monastery and church spires and whitewashed walls of the town while she tells me I’m throwing my future away”
The first person voice gives a sense that the audience is witnessing the characters internal thoughts, as they find themselves lost in and unfamiliar place. The narrator then recognises a church. This is a reflection of Winton’s cultural context growing up in fundamentalist Christian family. The familiar church can also symbolise both Winton’s and the narrator’s belief that religion can provide guidance in uncertainty. Also the father of the narrator is absent from the phone call as well as the story. Although in Big Word a father figure is not directly mentioned the character Vic Lang is a motif throughout the whole anthology. From Big World the audience is present with aspects of Winton’s cultural context of growing up in a matriarchal family that highly valued education and religion. Through his context Winton’s identity is reflected among the characters.

For Saed hey identity is shaped by her Afghan culture and family traditions. The absence of her culture in her foreign country where she resides is what motivates Saed to preserve it. From her cultural context leaving her country when she was only 1 year old. Through the memories and stories of her Aunts and grandmothers, the storytellers she preserves her lost identity that deeply connected her Afghan ethnicity. “Aunts who have embroided history onto the hems of sleeves and skirts”
In Voices: Archive of Spines this imagery of embroidery connotes feelings of pride and creativity it clearly represents the family pride of their heritage by using a metaphor to present the way they skilfully preserve their history and culture that shapes their identity “ Grandmothers tell the story of: how wounds heal only after they have memorised the moment of hurt” form this quote in What the Scar revealed Saed uses the umbilical chord scar and it pain as metaphor for the pain and suffering of leaving behind a culture but the recovery and resolution the characters find in persevering these memories of the characters birthplace. Saed’s deep connection to her birthplace and her valued Afghan culture is what shapes Saed’s identity. Winton’s characters identities are shaped by the components of the place they live in such as education, family and religion. Similarly both have the common issue of displacement but preserve their cultural identity through religion, tradition as well as family connects and place.


The role of oppression, motivating the pursuit of freedom as well as the inextricable connection between place and identity are to ideas that are common to both texts. However it is the techniques and the ways these ideas are imbedded into these texts that give the audience a deep insight into both the personal and the cultural context of the composers. All texts are constructs and therefore the ways in which ideas are interpreted will be derived from the composer context.


Discuss how both Winton and Saed reflect their context in their values and ideas they represent and the ways their texts were created.

Marking Criteria for top band. Thanks for including this!

•   Demonstrates extensive and insightful understanding of the meaning of a pair of texts and the values and ideas they convey.

•   Evaluates skilfully the relationship between texts and contexts using well-selected and detailed textual reference.

•   Composes a perceptive analysis using language appropriate to audience purpose and form.



Values are inherent in every composer’s context and because of the subjective nature of texts; these values are reflected in texts Not the most pleasant sounding sentence. "context...text...text" stutters it a bit because of the repetitive sound. The semi-colon is also out of place. This sentence could be spruced up a bit and rephrased! . Tim Winton’s short story Big World and Zohra Saed’s What The Scar Revealed and Voices: Achieves Of Spines all contain inherent values of freedom and identity, however from these values we can further develop ideas such as, the inextricable connection with place that shapes ones identity and the role of oppression that motivates the pursuit of freedom.I really like the content of this sentence. That is, I don't like the sentence because it's a magnificent piece of artwork/writing, but I like what you're talking about (place, oppression) etc. Great job! :) These fundamental ideas are common throughout these texts but the way the in which they have been interpreted and embedded within these texts correspond directly with the composers personal and cultural context. Solid closing of the introduction. All in all, the writing could be 'glitzed up' a bit, but the content is good. (I'm talking about if the essay were to be perfect btw, your writing isn't horrible or anything like that)/b]


The role of oppression in motivating the pursuit of freedom is a common idea reflected in both texts.Good. I like that you're already integrating the texts and I like that you've told me what you're talking about in this paragraph (oppression and freedom) Both motives and ramifications of the pursuit of freedom are represented differently in each text due to the personal context of each composer.This sentence is just "plonked" here, when it could be easily be zazzed up a bit. You could even say "That being said, both the motives and ramifications of the pursuit of freedom..." --- you know what I mean? Even just adding that TINY "that being said" makes the sentence seem less "plonked" down.
In Winton’s Big World freedom is a self-indulgence away from the oppression of the limited opportunities in their home town.
“We’d be like all the other poor stranded failures who stayed in Angelus. But now we’re on the road its time for second thoughts.” Try not to have whole quotes as sentences. I honestly know how seriously tempting it is beacuse it makes things easier and simpler (I used to do this a lot in year 12 as well), but generally, we want quotes to be "silky and smooth" and integrated into the sentence (see: silky and smooth). If you can get virtually all of your quotes short to highlight the relevant language and none of the irrelevant language, and then integrate the short quote into your own sentence... that will bump you up a bit. Practise!!!
The retrospective tone alludes to the sense of oppression and failure the characters have about their hometown, Angelus. However the use of the present tense and the idiom “its time for second thoughts” shows the audience that their pursuit for freedom consequently leads them into the uncertain future outside their familiar hometown. The ironic tittle Big Word also provides a sense of oppression that the character feels as they are oppressed by the limited opportunities as well as their monotonous jobs at the meatworks. Towards the end of this narrative the characters gain freedom but as a ramification they feel hopeless in the uncertain situation, however they no longer feel the oppression of monotony in their situation past in their hometown. I like the analysis.
From Winton’s personal context growing up in rural Albany his characters character's with a possessive apostrophe emotions correspond directly to his personal experiences of the hopelessness and monotony of life after school and feelings of uncertainty about his writing career and future while he was an adolescent, this is effectively represented in his short story Big World feels like a bit of a big sentence here

Saed whose pursuit for freedom is essential for her survival presents an alternate idea. A comma after Saed and a comma after 'survival' wouldn't go astray.
“She throws a tinselled veil up to the sky and catches lapis coloured doves”
Throughout the Poem What The Scar Revealed Saed creates vivid imagery and uses symbolism, Doves symbolic of freedom, and Lapis a precision stone reflects the extent to which she values freedom. One way you might change up these two sentences by integrating the quotes could be something like ... "Saed's symbolism presents an alternatve idea that <...>, with "lapis colours doves" symbolising  <....>". That's what i mean by improving through better integration of quotes.
“ I taste the past from which we have escaped with our lives.”  Similarly in Voices: Archive of Spines Saed uses sustained metaphors evoking the senses. The personal taste connotes feelings of bittersweet, Nostalgic of her Afghan culture but appreciative of her new found freedom. From this textual evidence we can understand that the absences of freedom is detrimental to the characters and motivates her pursuit to freedom in a foreign country. From Saed’s personal context of growing up in Afghanistan before moving to America, the audience gains an insight into the difficulties Saed was faced when she moved to American and became immersed in a foreign culture. Her writing reflects both the the characters and her own pursuit for freedom and consequently their efforts to preserve their culture and tradition in a foreign place. The general expression and quality of writing is starting to drop off a bit in this paragraph.

The inextricable connection with place that shapes ones identity is an idea that reflects the composer’s cultural context in their texts. good clear topic sentenceWinton presents a spiritual and familiar connection to place that shapes his characters character's (with apostrophe), again)identity.
“ I’m vague about my whereabouts and look out at the monastery and church spires and whitewashed walls of the town while she tells me I’m throwing my future away”
The first person voice gives a sense that the audience is witnessing the characters internal thoughts, as they find themselves lost in and unfamiliar place. The narrator then recognises a church. This is a reflection of Winton’s cultural context growing up in fundamentalist Christian family. The familiar church can also symbolise both Winton’s and the narrator’s belief that religion can provide guidance in uncertainty. Also the father of the narrator is absent from the phone call as well as the story. Although in Big Word a father figure is not directly mentioned the character Vic Lang is a motif throughout the whole anthology. From Big World the audience is present with aspects of Winton’s cultural context of growing up in a matriarchal family that highly valued education and religion. Through his context Winton’s identity is reflected among the characters.

For Saed hey identity is shaped by her Afghan culture and family traditions. The absence of her culture in her foreign country where she resides is what motivates Saed to preserve it. From her cultural context leaving her country when she was only 1 year old. Through the memories and stories of her Aunts and grandmothers, the storytellers she preserves her lost identity that deeply connected her Afghan ethnicity. “Aunts who have embroided history onto the hems of sleeves and skirts”
In Voices: Archive of Spines this imagery of embroidery connotes feelings of pride and creativity it clearly represents the family pride of their heritage by using a metaphor to present the way they skilfully preserve their history and culture that shapes their identity “ Grandmothers tell the story of: how wounds heal only after they have memorised the moment of hurt” form this quote in What the Scar revealed Saed uses the umbilical chord scar and it pain as metaphor for the pain and suffering of leaving behind a culture but the recovery and resolution the characters find in persevering these memories of the characters birthplace. Saed’s deep connection to her birthplace and her valued Afghan culture is what shapes Saed’s identity. Winton’s characters identities are shaped by the components of the place they live in such as education, family and religion. Similarly both have the common issue of displacement but preserve their cultural identity through religion, tradition as well as family connects and place.


The role of oppression, motivating the pursuit of freedom as well as the inextricable connection between place and identity are to ideas that are common to both texts. However it is the techniques and the ways these ideas are imbedded into these texts that give the audience a deep insight into both the personal and the cultural context of the composers. All texts are constructs and therefore the ways in which ideas are interpreted will be derived from the composer context.





Cool! Good job.

I like the content of your essay. That is, where you start to discuss author techniques and compare values of the texts, I think you choose good stuff and have nice ideas and analysis and stuff like that. Keep going this way and thinking more and more about your texts. You're hitting the first point of the criteria well.

As noted, your expression could be sorted a bit. Mostly, integrating quotes better would be fantastic, and it would allow you to use more detailed textual reference as you saved space on quoting unnecessary stuff.

At some points, I felt like if you continued on in the same paragraph and just spoke about both texts in the paragraph, your point would be made more effectively, but then I'd see the paragraph split and a new topic sentence to introduce the accompanying idea of the second text. Maybe something structurally for you to experiment with.

Good luck with everything!
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: JesSizzle on August 30, 2015, 09:46:04 pm
Thank you so much this has been really helpful your feedback is so extensive thanks again :D
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: brenden on August 31, 2015, 10:24:21 am
Thank you so much this has been really helpful your feedback is so extensive thanks again :D
You're super welcome! If you ever need help with your other subjects, feel free to post questions in the relevant boards! :)
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: Dump on September 14, 2015, 12:53:47 am
hey hello, i've re-edited my essay and this time it comes with a actual question

'Discovery – Evaluate how discovery evokes new or renewed '

Over time human beings have been inspired to discover relationships with their esoteric and physical surrounds through the fundamental sense of curiosity, necessity or wonder and provokes appreciation of individual’s self-worth, identity, and the broader society.  As such, the deprivation or endowment of self-discovery holds the dual capacity to challenge and develop an individual’s understanding of the human nature. The multi-faceted aspect of discovery is manifestly demonstrated in Robert Frost’s Romanticist poetry ‘Mending wall’ and ‘Home Burial’, and Liam Connor’s short film ‘Time’; encompasses aspects of personal metamorphoses, that are catalysed by human interactions with surroundings.
Acceptance is a quintessential virtue required in instigating the changes in human relations. In ‘Mending Wall’ Frost depicts the persona’s epiphany of his own and his neighbour’s relationship. In the lines, “set the wall between us” and “keep the wall between us” the “wall” functions as a motif which exhibits the physical estrangement between the neighbours. In combination with the repetition of the ‘w’ sound in “wall” and visual imagery of the “wall” Frost reveals the authenticity of the scene, where the characters are restoring the wall while remaining emotionally and psychologically alienated. Additionally, the extended metaphor of the “wall” is furthered in the lines “something there is that does not love a wall” the symbolism of “wall” is reiterated further through the anastrophe, where the “wall” represents the barrier between individuals and their eagerness to communicate. Frost insightfully enlightens the readers by reaffirming that the ineptitude to maintain affiliation will result in an individual’s segregation with others which consequently constrains ones process of discovery.   
Through the nurturing of a multi-faceted aspect of discovery, individuals face the struggle of preserving temporary human relations. Evidently, in ‘Home Burial’ Frost explicates the wife’s desire to avoid interaction, where the “staircase” functions as a symbol of existential physical and emotional partition which suggests their inability to be on common ground. Moreover, the use of assertive tone displayed in “come down the stairs” illustrates the desperation of the husband in an attempt to eradicate the barriers of physical distance conceived by the wife, As such, the notion of separation elucidates the complex human affiliations and how one individual’s choice may restrain another’s ability to explore, ultimately shapes readers understanding of the human nature by providing rejuvenated insights of fractured relationships.
The struggle ingrained within human connection is similarly manifested in the short film ‘Time’, which accentuates the protagonist’s realisation of renewed insights of relationship between himself his friends. This is palpable in the orientation, where the unnamed protagonist gathers with his companions in a forest, the close up shot of the protagonist provides a central focus on his school uniform, which functions as a symbol of youth and innocence. Furthered with the employment of point of view shot in combination with the use of vector lines, the downfall of the protagonist when he was assaulted and becomes powerless on the ground is accentuated. In addition, the injection of diegetic sound of crying, illuminates the appalling aftermath of confronting discovery, where the protagonist losses his innocence through attain renewed insights about his friends. This provides the audience with insightful knowledge on the detrimental ramification from provocative introspection. 

The tension between interpersonal connections determines one’s ability to rejuvenate future perception on self and broader society. 'Mending Wall' deciphers the rejuvenated insights are not always positive through the neighbour’s inability to interact. As exhibited in the title, “mending” where the titular adjective suggests reparation and restoration but is contradicted by the mixed connotations of the noun “wall” which is a divisive periphery representing obstacles preventing an individual’s eagerness to discover. Additionally, Frost’s use of active verbs, “sends” “spills” and “makes”. Suggesting in order to discover, action must be pursued. In addition, the caesura in the lines “the gaps - I mean” Frost effectively reaffirms the conversational tone as the notion of “gaps” which symbolically represents the physical partition between the neighbours, this advises the readers of the influence one holds on the broader society, evident in Frost’s reiteration of the neighbours inability to communicate, thus incapable for further contemplation on self and the broader community. 
Likewise, in ‘Home Burial’ the notion of individual’s ineptitude to connect has been revealed.  As displayed, the adversarial relationship between the wife and husband is palpable by her surety that he can “look” but “wouldn’t see” for from her perspective he is a “blind creature”. Frost uses metaphorical comparison in conjunction with the symbolism of “blindness” to advocate their lack of connection, where they are disconnected to their surroundings. This is further reinforced with the fractured iambic structure which visually cue the highly truncated conversation; by Frost’s demonstration of the negative consequences of constrained relationship, leading to reader’s attainment of the acumen of the convoluted connection between couples.       
Correspondingly, in 'Time', the central notion revolves around the introspection of interpersonal relationship and its confronting ramifications. Connor depicts the climax through protagonist’s car accident, which explicates the ephemeral nature of life. Where the use of slow panning shot, in conjunction the concentrated framing of plants, Connor symbolises Mother Nature and its capacity to limit ones desire for self-examination. This is furthered through the application of extensive sound techniques, as apparent in the ending scene, when the van falls into the lake, the instalment of non-diegetic background piano melody, in combination with the use of slow motion shot triggers grief, sorrow, faith and astonishment. The diminishment of soft instrumental background music ultimately indicates the fleeting qualities of life and the adverse ramification of unanticipated self-realisation, further discerns the audiences about the vulnerability of morality.
Through insightful representations of the dynamic human nature, Robert Frost’s ‘Mending Wall’, ‘Home Burial’ and Liam Connor’s ‘Time’ analogously forefronts the problematic nature of disorientated relationships, which ultimately engenders new ideas that illuminate facets of individuals and possibilities that were previously unknown. Conclusively, both authors have successfully enlightened audiences on the imbedded intricacies of discovery, and its multitude in the enrichment of an individual’s perception of self, and the broader society.
Code: [Select]
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: kyemadden8 on October 08, 2015, 03:13:27 pm
Hi this is an essay of was thinking of using in my exam could you please mark it for me

Thankyou
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: Kezzdee on November 15, 2015, 05:38:57 pm
Hey Ned Nerb, I've attached my English Creative for Discovery.
I'm having a lot of trouble overtelling in my story. Thanks for your help
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: IkeaandOfficeworks on January 18, 2016, 08:54:09 pm
Hi Brenden, this is my essay for Advance English and I also included the question. Thanks a lot!   :D
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: heids on January 19, 2016, 06:29:20 pm
Feedback on IkeaandOfficeworks' essay

Hello and welcome on board!   Unfortunately (for both you and me LOL) I’m not Brenden, but hope this helps :)

Okay.  What stands out to me is this:

You’re brilliant at analysing techniques and what they show – but then, you don’t use this to answer the question.

CLICK HERE for more a fleshed-out explanation of this
Imagine a starving person asks you for a piece of bread, and you give them a car tyre.  It may be an absolutely beautiful, absolutely damn amazing car tyre.  But, they’re starving!  They can’t eat that tyre (unless they’re too hungry lol), and they just want a piece of bread already!   They’d prefer the stalest, most crumbly and dry bread on earth than the most world-class care tyre.

Same thing here.  Even if your analysis is absolutely state-rank stuff, it doesn’t actually answer the question, it’s pretty useless.

So, in your next few essays (or your revision of this essay) I want you to do this FIRST, before you come up with a collection of brilliant techniques and quotes:

1.   Read the question a few times and try to get what it’s saying.  Think about it and say it in your own words until you feel you ‘get’ what the topic statement says.  In this case it’s something like discovery often helps us see ourselves and others in new ways.

2.   Turn it into a question: ‘Does the process of discovery help us see ourselves and others in new ways?’

3.   Now try and think of an answer.  You’re not thinking about your texts yet, you’re not even thinking about ‘writing an essay’.  You’re just thinking about what the answer is and why.  This’ll probably involve asking yourself a bunch of questions, like ‘discovery of what?’ ‘why/how would discovery help us see people in new ways?’ ‘does it always change how we see people?’ ‘why does it sometimes change us and sometimes not?’…………… and so on.

4.   Now, think about how the chosen three texts answer these questions.  What does ‘The Tempest’ show about how discovery changes how we view people?  What characters discovered something that changed how they saw themselves and each other? How did that discovery change their views?

5.   THEN and ONLY THEN can you think about techniques.  Once you say that ‘X discovery helped Y character to view Z character as a nicer person’, then you can try and find a technique that highlights this.



Discussing the topic, answering the question, is the ‘framework’ of a good essay, and the techniques don’t mean anything if they don’t fall inside that framework. 

So then, if you have a paragraph on ‘The Very Hungry Caterpillar’, your topic sentence could look something like: Through the caterpillar’s discovery of new and acidic fruits, Carle demonstrates that the caterpillar’s searching reveals to himself his capacity for perseverance through hardship. (and then throughout you’d show clearly how this answers the question)

(lol, I can’t even remember the storyline of that book, I’m just lamely copy-cat-ing one of the VCE state rankers on this site :P)

Then, the rest of your paragraph, you’d be explaining how that character or event(s) shows us that discovery changes our perceptions.  It’d look a bit like ‘The metaphor of ____ highlights how [character] changes from viewing herself as ____ to viewing herself as ____.’  Basically your topic sentence should be an answer to the question, and then your paragraph should be a collection of evidence/events/quotes/techniques/analysis that ‘proves’ or demonstrates how that TS answers the question.

And CLICK HERE for a few other comments directly on your essay

The process of discovery does indeed often lead to renewed perceptions of themselves and those around them. I’d recommend not starting with the words in the question; at the very least, put it in your own words (which should be a step in your planning anyway) because it shows you understand the topic, whereas repeating it word-for-word doesn’t ‘add’ anything In William Shakespeare's The Tempest, Edgar Allan Poe’s Tell-Tale Heart and Peter Weir’s Dead Poet’s Society, the impacts from the choices characters made, occasionally assisted in acquiring renewed perceptions of themselves and those around them. here, the essay already sounds just a bit like it’s skirting the issue: you’re talking about the choices characters make, rather than the process of discovery which was what the question asked. 

When Caliban asked for forgiveness in The Tempest, this decision facilitated in gaining renewed perceptions of the self.  Prospero perceived him as ‘savage’ after he attempted to violate Miranda, through the derogatory terms: ‘poisonous slave’ and ‘a thing of darkness’ supported by Miranda’s views: ‘a thing most brutish’. Caliban’s repentance through the religious metaphor: ‘be wiser hereafter/And seek for grace’ nice quote embedding! :) demonstrates Caliban’s capacity to possess sophisticated language contrary to the perception of the characters. His use of sophisticated language is further evidenced in his description of the island, in the aural imagery: ‘…The isle is full of noises/ Sounds and sweet airs/that give delight and hurt not/ Sometimes a thousand twangling instruments /Will hum about mine ears, and sometime voices…’ demonstrating a complex understanding. complex understanding of what? And what does that show about how discovery changes our views of ourselves/each other?

 Todd in Dead Poet’s Society chose to follow John Keating’s ‘unorthodox teachings’ in hopes of achieving this complex understanding of the self that was a really smooth transition from the para before; well done on your linking!. The close up shot of the banners: ‘Tradition. Honour. Discipline. Excellence’ highlights the core principles of Welton that it stands for. In addition, the mise-en-scene of the candle ceremony establishes that the school imposes traditionalist ideals on its students. you have some beautiful analysis here, but remember that the point of all your evidence is to answer the question; so, if we know that the school has harsh traditions/principles, what does that show about how our views of humans are changed by discovery?  Every piece of evidence you pick, every quote, every technique, should have the aim of answering that question.The close-up shot of Todd’s handwriting ‘Seize the Day’ reveals his wish that he could contribute his ‘verse’. Furthermore, the establishing shot of birds flying symbolises the students wanting to break free from the strict principles of Welton needing only a catalyst, this parallels Keating and his class. The spinning shot of Keating covering Todd’s eyes in class creates a sense of transformation within Todd as he creates a physical verse revealing his capacity to create beautiful poetry to the class, as exclaimed by Keating: “…There’s a poet in you after all!”.

   
However, the Narrator in the Tell-Tale Heart shows no transformation of the self after his decision to murder. The hyperbole: btw, you do this a bit, but you don’t need a colon ( : ) between your technique and quote. It flows more smoothly if you go ‘The hyperbole “I heard many things in hell” shows that the narrator perceives…’  Or you could put a comma before and after the quote. “I heard many things in the heaven and in the earth. I heard many things in hell” shows that the narrator perceives hypersensitivity as sanity. The personification: “It is impossible to say how first the idea entered my brain but once conceived, it haunted me day and night” emphasises the obsession the narrator feels in the idea of murdering the old man which completely contradicts his perception: “How, then am I mad?” The use of short sentences: “Object there was none. Passion there was none. I loved the old man. He had never wronged me. He had never given me insult. For his gold, I had no desire. I think it was his eye! yes, it was this!” reinforces the idea that there is a lack of concrete reason to commit murder and thus signals the reader that he is indeed ‘mad’. After the murder, the exclaimed sentences: “…I could bear those hypocritical smiles no longer! I felt that I must scream or die! and now --again! --hark! louder! louder! louder! louder!”… “Villains!”  demonstrates his failure to differentiate his villainy over theirs, revealing no sense of remorse and thus no change of the self.

This sense of remorse is also not apparent in Antonio in The Tempest and Cameron in Dead Poet’s Society and thus failing to achieve a sense of metamorphosis of the self.  Antonio’s decision to betray left Prospero and Miranda to suffer, through the metaphor: “The ivy which had hid my princely trunk/And suck'd my verdure out on't” highlighting the parasitic nature of Antonio, ‘sucking’ out all the life out of Prospero. This is paralleled by Cameron’s betrayal in his dialogue with Dalton: “There’s something called an honour code at this school…If a teacher asks a question, you tell the truth or you’re expelled!” highlighting Cameron’s conformity with the school’s traditionalist principles and having no regret in causing the dismissal of Keating. The wide shot of the students standing on their desks highlights the absence of Cameron’s participation suggesting that he does not possess a renewed perception of himself and others good that you’re trying to tie it back in to the topic. Similarly, Antonio’s dialogue with Sebastian about Caliban, after he was forgiven: “Very like; one of them/ Is a plain fish, no doubt marketable” demonstrates his greed, not acknowledging Caliban’s capacity to ‘seek grace’ yay! Beautiful quoting; it fits in and flows with your own sentence! and thus failing to realise a fresh insight of himself and others. Nevertheless, while there was no clear transformation of the self, the alliteration: “It is the beating of his hideous heart!” suggests that the narrator in Tell- Tale Heart possesses conscience although he mistook the old man’s heart to be beating instead of his.


In William Shakespeare's The Tempest, Edgar Allan Poe’s Tell-Tale Heart and Peter Weir’s Dead Poet’s Society, renewed perceptions on ourselves and others can sometimes be attained through the impact of the choices people make, with it comes the innate capacity for most individuals to have morality, however, it is ultimately the individual’s will to see a fresh perspective that will allow one to grasp a more complex awareness of the self and others. also remember that it’s totally okay if you don’t say something ‘fancy’ and ‘Englishy’.  If your last sentence answers the question, and you actually understand what you’re trying to say, then it doesn’t matter how boring it sounds – it’s better than something that sounds nice but doesn’t answer the question or you don’t even get what it’s saying.
Get back to me with ANY questions!
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: literally lauren on January 19, 2016, 07:18:30 pm
Well bangali beat me to it, and I'm just a VCE-er too, but my feedback has more to do with the structure of your information rather than the strength of your argument, so this might be helpful as well.

Comments in the attached doc. but you might have to open the comment pane to see them all (click the REVIEW tab and then click 'Reviewing Pane' under 'Tracking')

Again, please post here or let us know if you have any questions :)
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: aqsarana_ on January 20, 2016, 12:04:16 am
Hi, I have copy pasted my discovery essay (Go Back to Where You Came From) for a check. I would really appreciate it if you can go through it and give me as much feedback as you can so i can improve on it. Thanks.

Is human driven by the need to discover? Discovery is to explore the unseen world and experience a world they may not have previously seen. It is through such discoveries that some individuals face ramifications which allow them to change perspectives of themselves and the world. This validates the statement that we can transform our understanding of ourselves and the world by travelling to new places or viewing a familiar place through new eyes. Discoveries can allow us to live by new values, however some choose not to. Discoveries enable new understandings and renewed perceptions of ourselves and the world. Go Back To Where You Came From (Go Back), a TV documentary series first aired in 2011 on SBS, explores the idea of travelling to places which contributes to new values and renewed perceptions inherited by some participants. Invictus, a poem by William Ernest Henley, published in 1998, affirms how seeing the world through new eyes approves for new values and understandings. Similarly, Sean Penn’s 2007 film Into The Wild, displays that travelling to a new place does bring about new values and renewed perceptions. All these texts greatly support the statement and let the characters, participants and viewers/readers to understand ourselves and the world better.
New values are not necessarily created by individuals when they go through a process of discovery. In Go Back, there are 6 participants with different perspectives and values. Even after hard experiences, some participants only change slightly and keep the same mentality. After the leaky boat experience, when they get onto the safe boat, Darren is questioned a lot. Darren started off with the attitude of how he doesn’t agree with people who put themselves on the boat when “they’re already safe”. While being questioned on the safe boat, he is juxtaposed with Gleny standing beside him, perhaps because they are participants of extremely different perspectives. With a medium camera shot, we see the expressions of Gleny when Darren says “I don’t feel empathy for people who willingly put their lives at risk when they are already safe”. This is ironic because Darren does not understand that they are unsafe and getting onto a boat is their last resort to stay safe.  During the raid in Malaysia (Episode 2), Raquel is seen as keeping her original values. The medium shot of her while saying “They should be doing this in Australia…” reflects her as being ignorant and confused as she says it without facing the camera but instead is looking at the raid. This illustrates how she is very stubborn on her viewpoint and instead of looking at it from a different perspective after discovering, she continues to look at it negatively. Overall, this shows that travelling to new places does not always transform our understandings of the world, shown through Raquel and Darren.
Hardships that an individual goes through allow them to discover new values. In Invictus, the writer writes about his own experience.  After he was diagnosed with a disease, he started to look at the world through new eyes which enabled him to discover himself and new values. In comparison to Go Back, some characters are not able to change their values and decide to stick to their original values. However, in Invictus, the poet is able to change his values and writes from a new perspective after being put into hardships. The use of simile and alliteration in “Black as the pit from pole to pole” (Line 2 – Stanza 1), gives the allusion of how severe his experience was. It contrasts the darkness of his suffering to the blackness of a hellish pit stretching from pole to pole. The severity of his hardship allowed him to understand the world and himself better. The visceral imagery used in “I have not winced nor cried aloud” (Line 6 – Stanza 2) describes that even though he has experienced pain, he will not show it remain strong. “I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul” (Line 15 and Line 16 – Stanza 4) uses first person and anaphora, emphasising on the fact that the poem is his story and his response to his discovery. His discovery allowed him to make new values that assisted him to live his life. These quotes show how seeing the world with new eyes allows the individual to create new values and simultaneously gain a better understanding of ourselves and the world.
Discoveries can encompass new values and morals. In Into The Wild, before he sets off to his physical discovery, he discovers values that assist him in his physical discovery to Alaska. When compared to Go Back, they both have characters that change their values when they experience difficulties. In Invictus, the character also significantly changes his understanding of the world after going through discovery and this concept is discovered in the film Into the Wild too. In the flashback where the family is eating, the mother says to Christopher that they will gift him a new car. He replies with “I don’t need a new car. I don’t want a new car” and as he is replying, the camera focuses on his mother with a close up camera shot. Her expression illustrates the difference in values of his mother and himself. When Alex is on his journey to Alaska, he is sitting down and writing about his life in his diary. While he is writing, there is a medium camera shot of Alex playing with horses while the text: My days were more exciting when I was penniless” moves horizontally across the screen. This scene shows through his physical discovery he realised that he prefers life without money as money isn’t important for survival. 
Discoveries allow us to renew our perceptions of the world. After going through different experiences in Go Back, there are characters that are able to, at the end, renew their perceptions of the world. Their experiences allow them to forget about their existing perceptions and generate renewed perceptions. After leaving Deo’s family in Africa (Episode 3), Raquel changes her views and mentions that she doesn’t like the term “black people anymore…They’re not black people, they’re African people…” This is shown through a close shot of her face with slow, expressive music. This music makes the atmosphere look real and meaningful as it displays that her process of discovery allowed her to change and renew her opinions. Furthermore, in episode 2, when Adam is working with the Chins, he decides to ask how much the workers are paid. The medium shot shows his emotions as well as showing the background of the working conditions which represents hard work and dedication. The music also becomes tense and slow to create a hardworking atmosphere. With all this, we can see that Go Back does explore travelling to new places renews our perceptions and leads to a better understanding of the world and ourselves.
Discoveries enable new understandings of ourselves and the world. In Invictus, through the writer’s experience of discovery, he is able to change his perception on life. Similar to Go Back, the characters do experience renewed perceptions and this is because of the hardships they face. Lines 13 and 14, “It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll,” contains a direct biblical allusion: “Strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it” (Matthew 7:13-14). This shows that he was able to discover spiritually which allowed him to gain a better understanding of the world and to renew his perceptions. In stanza 2, line 8, the use of visceral imagery and alliteration “my head is bloody but unbowed” shows that even though the poet experienced such hardships, he remained strong and pulled through it. He was able to hold his head high and this allowed him to see a new perspective of himself. These quotes and techniques show us how being able to renew our perspectives, we can understand ourselves and the world better. 
An individual’s perceptions are renewed when they discover. Into the Wild explores how different perceptions are created when a person is discovering and this is seen through the character of Christopher/Alex. This film can be associated with both Go Back and Invictus as they explore the same concept and comprise of characters that renew their perceptions after discovering. While Alex is sitting down and reading, there is a flashback of his past where his dad is beating up his mum. After the flashback, the camera focuses on Alex’s face as he has tears after reminiscing about that incident. Towards the end of the film, where his values change again, we see a hand-held camera along with a close up camera shot moving across Alex’s face and him writing: Happiness is only real when shared’. At the end of his discovery he realises that he was wrong when he thought life could be lived without family/friends. He wishes he could go back to his family to live again, however it is too late. This demonstrates to us his renewed perceptions because first he thought family and friends weren’t important, however through his discovery he realised he was wrong.
In conclusion, all three texts do explore characters that face ramifications and challenges by travelling to new places and in some cases just seeing the world with new eyes, which allow them to change their perspectives of themselves and their worlds. Go Back and Into the wild are about characters physically travelling to new places to discover, where as in Invictus, the poet sees the world with new eyes which enables him to renew his perspectives. The film Into The Wild has one main character that discovers and is able to change perspectives and values, whereas in Go Back, there are six participants that set off on a journey and experience differences in values at different stages. All three texts greatly show how our understanding of ourselves and the world may change when we travel to new places or view a familiar place through new eyes.   
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: literally lauren on January 22, 2016, 11:37:36 am
Is human because you're talking about many/all people, you need the plural 'humans' rather than the singular 'human,' so this should be: 'Are humans...' driven by the need to discover? Discovery is to explore the unseen world and experience a world that may not previously have been seen. It is through such discoveries that some individuals face ramifications which allow them to change perspectives of themselves and the world. This validates the statement that we can transform our understanding of ourselves and the world by travelling to new places or viewing a familiar place through new eyes. Good expanding of what it means to discover something. I like that you're including 'seeing old things with new eyes' and not just 'seeing new things.' Discoveries can allow us to live by new values, however some choose not to. This is a bit brief - if you want to use this as a key point or argument, then maybe spend an extra sentence talking about it so the assessor knows what you mean. Discoveries enable new understandings and renewed perceptions of ourselves and the world you've said this already in a previous sentence. Go Back To Where You Came From (Go Back), a TV documentary series first aired in 2011 on SBS, explores the idea of travelling to places which contributes to new values and renewed perceptions inherited by some participants. A linking word would be good here. eg. 'Likewise' or 'Furthermore... 'Invictus, a poem by William Ernest Henley, published in 1998, affirms how seeing the world through new eyes approves Word Choice. This doesn't really fit here. Perhaps use 'facilitates' or 'creates' new values and understandings. Similarly, Sean Penn’s 2007 film Into The Wild, displays reveals that travelling to a new place does bring about new values and renewed perceptions This point seems a little simplistic. We already know that the poem says something about discovery leading to broader perceptions, but your introduction should be exploring these ideas in more detail. All these texts greatly support the statement and let the characters, participants and viewers/readers just pick one. 'Audience' is probably best. Don't use slashes (/) in your writing as they're seen as informal to understand ourselves and the world better.

New values are not necessarily created by individuals when they go through a process of discovery. Good! :) Topic sentence is based on an idea or concept.In Go Back remember to put the title in 'single quotation marks', there are 6 participants with different perspectives and values. Be careful here; you've started off well, but going from a really big idea about the process of discovery and then jumping into an example too soon can feel a bit sudden. (e.g. 'Often our perspectives are shaped by our life experiences. For example, in 'Go Back,' we see...' <-- notice how the sentences don't really connect very well?) Instead, try to gradually go from the idea to the example over two or three sentences if needed. This will let you explore the idea more fully too. Even after hard experiences, some participants only change slightly and keep the same mentality. After the leaky boat experience, when they get onto the safe boat, Darren is questioned a lot You're keeping your sentences nice and clear here, which is excellent, but I'm not too sure what you're referring to here. I'm guessing it's that Darren was interviewed, but you haven't really made that clear (i.e. who is he being questioned by? What are the questions?). Darren started off with the attitude of how he doesn’t agree with people who put themselves on the boat when “they’re already safe”. Good quote integration! While being questioned on the safe boat, he is juxtaposed with Gleny standing beside him, perhaps because they are participants of extremely different perspectives. With a medium camera shot, we see the expressions of Gleny when Darren says “I don’t feel empathy for people who willingly put their lives at risk when they are already safe”. This is ironic because Darren does not understand that they are unsafe and getting onto a boat is their last resort to stay safe. Why is Gleny important here? You bring him up but don't really explain the significance of him. How is Gleny different to Darren? And, more importantly, what does this example say about the prompt, and about discovery? During the raid in Malaysia (Episode 2) I don't think you have to specify this, or if you do, it should be part of the sentence, not in brackets (i.e. 'During the raid in Malaysia in Episode Two, Raquel is seen...') but check with your teacher to be sure, Raquel is seen as keeping her original values. The medium shot of her while saying “They should be doing this in Australia…” reflects her as being ignorant and confused as she says it without facing the camera but instead is looking at the raid. This illustrates how she is very stubborn on her viewpoint and instead of looking at it from a different perspective after discovering, she continues to look at it negatively. Overall, this shows that travelling to new places does not always transform our understandings of the world, shown through Raquel and Darren.
Try to link ^this discussion to the next one in the Topic Sentence below. How are these two ideas related? Start with a word like 'Similarly...'/'Likewise...' or 'Contrarily...'/'On the other hand...' and make a connection from there.
Hardships that an individual goes through allow them to discover new values. So why were the people in  your previous paragraphs unable to shift their world views? What's different in this case? In Invictus, the writer writes about his own experience.  After he was diagnosed with a disease, he started to look at the world through new eyes which enabled him to discover himself and new values. In comparison to Go Back, some characters are not able to change their values and decide to stick to their original values. Rather than going from Go Back in the previous paragraph, to a brief mention of Invictus, to Go Back, to Invictus again, try and minimise the amount of switching that you do. Conclude your Go Back paragraph, and then, at the start of the next one, make a strong link between the two texts and then just start analysing Invictus; there's no reason to go back and forth between them in this case.  However, in Invictus, the poet is able to change his values and writes from a new perspective after being put into this is a bit informal; maybe say 'after experiencing...' hardships. The use of simile and alliteration in “Black as the pit from pole to pole” (Line 2 – Stanza 1) again, I don't think you have to cite the line and stanza number, but I'm not 100% sure, gives the allusion this expression is a bit odd; you can go for a simpler verb like 'represents' or 'shows' instead of how severe his experience was. It contrasts the darkness of his suffering to the blackness of a hellish pit stretching from pole to pole. AWESOME!!! I was just about to say that your previous sentence: 'this quote gives the allusion of how severe his experience was' wasn't really enough because you hadn't explained HOW that quote demonstrates your point, but you've done it right here!! :) Really good stuff, and something that a lot of essays miss out on - always make sure you're spelling out the link between your evidence and your ideas like this. The severity of his hardship allowed him to understand the world and himself better. The visceral imagery used in “I have not winced nor cried aloud” (Line 6 – Stanza 2) describes that even though he has experienced pain, he will not show it remain strong. <-- link these ideas? -->“I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul” (Line 15 and Line 16 – Stanza 4) uses first person and anaphora, emphasising on the fact that the poem is his story and his response to his discovery. His discovery allowed him to make new values that assisted him to live his life. These quotes show how seeing the world with new eyes allows the individual to create new values and simultaneously gain a better understanding of ourselves and the world.
Rather than listing three points of evidence and then getting to the end of the paragraph to make the connection obvious, try to make links as you go! You don't want your paragraphs to read like a dot-point list of examples with some analysis just put one after another. Instead, you want to go from one point to the next. Think of it this way: if you bake a cake, you don't want the end result to be a pile of flour with some unbeaten eggs in it, covered in milk... that's not a cake  :P A cake involves blending the ingredients so you can get the right mixture. In the end, the assessors will still be able to point at it and say 'okay, I can see that there's chocolate, butter, and some milk in there' just like they'll be able to see your paragraph and think 'okay, I can see that you've used this quote and this example,' but there's still an overall structure. Sticking the ingredients together doesn't magically turn them into a cake; you have to combine them. So, when you're writing your paragraph, try to focus on building one example into the next. There must be a reason why you're going from one example to another one - maybe it reinforces your point, or maybe it demonstrates another facet of your argument. Whatever the reason is, mention it in your discussion so that your assessor can follow your logic :)

Discoveries can encompass new values and morals. Connect this with your previous discussion. In Into The Wild, before he sets off to his physical discovery, he who's 'he?' You haven't introduced the main character yet discovers values that assist him in his physical discovery to Alaska. When compared to Go Back, they both have characters that change their values when they experience difficulties. In Invictus, the character also significantly changes his understanding of the world after going through discovery and this concept is discovered explored in the film Into the Wild too. In the flashback where the family is eating, the mother says to Christopher that they will gift him a new car. He replies with “I don’t need a new car. I don’t want a new car” and as he is replying, the camera focuses on his mother with a close up camera shot. Her expression what is her expression? What emotions is she revealing? And how does this illustrate the fact that they have different values? illustrates the difference in values of his mother and himself. When Alex is on his journey to Alaska, he is sitting down and writing about his life in his diary. While he is writing, there is a medium camera shot of Alex playing with horses while the text: My days were more exciting when I was penniless” moves horizontally across the screen. This scene shows through his physical discovery he realised that he prefers life without money as money isn’t important for survival. Why is this discussion important? What does this tell us about the nature of discovery?

Discoveries allow us to renew our perceptions of the world. Again, you need a link between this sentence/idea and what you've just discussed in the previous paragraph. There is a connection, but because you haven't made it clear, you can't get marks for it. After going through different experiences in Go Back, there are characters that are able to, at the end, renew their perceptions of the world. Their experiences allow them to forget about their existing perceptions and generate renewed perceptions. slight repetition here; try to find some synonyms because this is a word that you'll be using a lot. After leaving Deo’s family in Africa (Episode 3), Raquel changes her views what were her views before, and what did she change to? You don't really explain this here, you just provide a quote and mentions that she doesn’t like the term “black people anymore…They’re not black people, they’re African people…” What does this quote mean for her character? What does it suggest she's changed from/into? This is shown through a close shot of her face with slow, expressive music. This music makes the atmosphere look real and meaningful as it displays that her process of discovery allowed her to change and renew her opinions. The music probably shouldn't be your focus here - concentrate on the words in that quote and what they signify. Furthermore, in episode 2, when Adam is working with the Chins, he decides to ask how much the workers are paid. The medium shot shows his emotions which emotions?? Calling it a 'medium shot' isn't very important, but talking about his facial expressions and emotions is crucial! as well as showing the background of the working conditions which represents hard work and dedication How do you know? What is it about the background that represents hard work? Describe what you see or hear in the show, and explain why these details reveal those ideas. The music also becomes tense and slow to create a hardworking atmosphere. With all this, we can see that Go Back does explore travelling to new places renews our perceptions and leads to a better understanding of the world and ourselves. Don't just restate the prompt; try to go a bit further in unpacking your ideas. Your examples shouldn't just be used to demonstrate a 'yes' or 'no' argument; they should allow you to explore more interesting points of view.

Discoveries enable new understandings of ourselves and the world. In Invictus, through the writer’s experience of discovery, he is able to change his perception on life. Similar to Go Back, the characters do experience renewed perceptions and this is because of the hardships they face. The previous sentence is about 'Go Back,' but this next one is about 'Invictus,' though you haven't made it clear that you've changed texts. Be careful when jumping between them.Lines 13 and 14, “It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll,” contains a direct biblical allusion: “Strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it” (Matthew 7:13-14). This shows that he was able to discover spiritually which allowed him to gain a better understanding of the world and to renew his perceptions. Good. In stanza 2, line 8, the use of visceral imagery and alliteration “my head is bloody but unbowed” shows that even though the poet experienced such hardships, he remained strong and pulled through bit colloquial it. He was able to hold his head high and this allowed him to see a new perspective of himself. what was this new perspective, exactly? These quotes and techniques show us how being able to renew our perspectives, we can understand ourselves and the world better. Notice how this point could essentially be summarised as 'yes, the prompt is right.' Try to avoid this. Take things a step further and challenge the prompt a little bit if you want to push your ideas into better territory. More on this in the end comments.

An individual’s perceptions are renewed when they discover. Into the Wild explores how different perceptions are created when a person is discovering and this is seen through the character of Christopher/Alex. This film can be associated with both Go Back and Invictus as they explore the same concept and comprise of characters that renew their perceptions after discovering. While Alex is sitting down and reading, there is a flashback of his past where his dad is beating up his mum. After the flashback, the camera focuses on Alex’s face as he has tears after reminiscing about that incident. Towards the end of the film, where his values change again, we see a hand-held camera along with a close up camera shot moving across Alex’s face and him writing: Happiness is only real when shared’. At the end of his discovery he realises that he was wrong when he thought life could be lived without family/friends don't use slashes; say 'and' or 'or'. He wishes he could go back to his family to live again, however it is too late. This demonstrates to us his renewed perceptions because first he thought family and friends weren’t important, however through his discovery he realised he was wrong.

In conclusion, all three texts do explore characters that face ramifications and challenges by travelling to new places and in some cases just seeing the world with new eyes, which allow them to change their perspectives of themselves and their worlds. Go Back and Into the wild are about characters physically travelling to new places to discover, this isn't something you explore in much detail in your body paragraphs where as in Invictus, the poet sees the world with new eyes which enables him to renew his perspectives. The film Into The Wild has one main character that discovers and is able to change perspectives and values, whereas in Go Back, there are six participants that set off on a journey and experience differences in values at different stages. Try not to just re-list your evidence in your conclusion. Conclusions are about ideas, so you want to say something about discovery here, not just go back over your major exeamples. All three texts greatly show how our understanding of ourselves and the world may change when we travel to new places or view a familiar place through new eyes.

There's some really good stuff here, but a couple of things are holding you back.

The first big one is essay structure. Overall, it feels like you're switching between texts too often, and as such, your paragraphs often don't have a clear idea-based focus because you get to the end and just say 'therefore, discovery can lead to renewed perceptions' pretty much every time.

As a new kind of structure, try this:

Paragraph 1: Comparing Invictus and Into the Wild
Paragraph 2: Comparing Into the Wild and Go Back
Paragraph 3: Comparing Go Back and Invictus

Now, for each paragraph (e.g. Paragraph 2: Into the Wild + Go Back) think of a related idea that's present in both texts. For example, you state in your conclusion that they both explore the notion of changes in our physical place impacting our perception. So for this paragraph, you can start with a sentence like 'Often, changes in one's physical environment can mirror changes in our understanding and expectations.' Then you can spend the paragraph talking about and analysing both texts. Then, when you get to the end, you can take that idea and ask 'what does this say about the prompt?' The answer to that question will be your last sentence for that para.

So in other words, your paragraphs should aim to obey the following:
1. Outline a general (i.e. not text-specific) idea about discovery that's related to the prompt.
2. Zoom in to one of the texts
3. Analyse that text.
4. Find a connection between that first text and a second one.
5. Analyse that second text.
6. Zoom out a bit and talk about what that second text says about discovery.
7. Bring the texts together and talk about a point of similarity or difference.
8. Zoom all the way out to the prompt and link your paragraph's focus to the ideas raised by the prompt.


Secondly, whilst the quality of your analysis is pretty good, you need to connect one point of analysis to the next. It's like you're trying to build a lego tower; if you don't connect the bricks... then you just have a pile of bricks sitting around :P It's crucial that you make those connections really strong, and think about why you're going from one bit of evidence to the next.

This goes for your paragraphs too.At the moment, I could put your body paragraphs in any random order and nothing would be different. You want your discussion to feel like it's going from 1 --> 2 --> 3, not just 1 & 2 & 3 with no sense of progress and linking.

Lastly, but perhaps most importantly, make sure your essay has a contention or thesis statement. You have to build an 'argument' around an idea; you're not supposed to prove the prompt right - you're supposed to take that prompt as a starting point for your own thesis.

Think of it this way: if you got a prompt like 'Discovering who we are can take a long time.'
A mid-range essay would have a 'thesis' like: In order to discover who we are, we have to spend a long time working out our identities. See how it's just completely agreeing? There's no challenge, and there's no sense that the student writing this is taking the ideas further.
A high-range essay, though, might have a thesis like: 'Although we may think we know ourselves well, often the process of self-discovery is a long and arduous one, but this is ultimately a necessary experience if we want to truly understand ourselves.' There's waaaay more going on in this sentence now. We're talking about how the process is long and difficult, and how it's necessary even though it's a struggle.

If in doubt, go for the following formula:
'Although >challenge to the prompt that disagrees a bit< , ultimately >main argument that mostly agrees with the prompt, but looks at the reasons or consequences for this being true, too.< '

So, in summary; the stuff to work on:
- Linking between ideas
- Connections between paragraphs, especially in topic sentences
- Alternative essay structure that let you explore more ideas in more depth
- Stronger thesis statement based on, but not limited to the prompt

Best of luck!
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: Spencerr on January 26, 2016, 09:13:52 pm
   
Hey! I've recently 'discovered' this website and it's been sooo helpful. I was wondering if you guys could help check my essay on discovery. Any feedback would be invaluable! The essay is a generic one without a set question in mind.

The biggest struggle that I have right now is taking my expression and sophistication to the next level. What practice would you guys recommend so that I can do that? Thanks so much in advance.

Experiences of discoveries either challenge or affirm deeply held values, resulting in transformations and broadened perceptions. Within Shakespeare’s tragicomedy The Tempest, lies an exploration into the transformative power of discoveries supplemented by an examination into the relationship between one’s self and one’s world, enabling Shakespeare to renew perspectives on colonialism. However, the multi-faceted nature of discoveries espouses the differing ramifications imposed upon individuals, as Edgar Allen Poe’s psychological short story, The Tell Tale Heart, conversely depicts the limitations of discoveries in evoking change.  Nonetheless, Poe similarly creates fresh perspectives by widening perceptions on the human condition. Thus..answer question.












In The Tempest, Shakespeare highlights the power of discoveries to unveil the faults of individuals, an instrumental step in engendering transformation and repentance. From the outset, the tempest which shipwrecks the characters on the island, acts as a physical manifestation and symbol of Prospero’s flawed desire for vengeance. The plight of the characters facilitates Miranda’s self-discovery of compassion, her emotive language “If by your art... I have suffered/ With those that I saw suffer!”” acts as a foil to Prospero’s enthusiastic exclamation ”Why, that’s my spirit” in apprehending the destruction he has contrived. As such, Prospero relegates to the immorality of Alonso, Sebastian and Antonio, conspirators of his usurpation who ultimately realise their moral shortcomings through the dramatic device of a vanishing banquet followed by the pagan image of a harpy, symbol for truth and justice. This confronting discovery of the supernatural coupled with Ariel’s accusatory tone “you are three men of sin”, prompts Sebastian and Antonio to run off in a mad fit. In contrast, Alonso acknowledges his guilt and repents, using the metaphor of a church orchestra to describe the purifying experience, where “the thunder, that deep and dreadful organ pipe, pronounced the name of Prosper”. Ironically, it is through Ariel’s pathos for the characters “if you beheld them now, your affections would become tender” that Prospero transforms and recognises that “the rarer action is in virtue than in vengeance” with the antithesis of “virtue” and “vengeance” highlighting his discovery of forgiveness. Thus, The Tempest reveals the potential of discoveries to uncover flaws within individuals, laying the foundations for change and transformation.





In The Tell Tale Heart, Poe conversely depicts the limitations of discoveries to induce positive transformations through the protagonist’s lack of penitence despite apprehending his moral vices. Throughout the narrative, Poe employs the recurring motif of a heartbeat as a physical manifestation of the narrator’s internalised guilt. The succession of short sentences in “They hear!-they suspected!-they KNEW!” emulates the rhythm of the heartbeat, allowing the audience to empathise with the narrator’s troubled conscience. Thus, Poe effectively heightens dramatic tension, adding emphasis to the epiphany “Suddenly, I knew that sound was not in my ears, it was not just inside my head!”, as the narrator, like Alonso is confronted by the immorality of actions. This self discovery, catalysed by symbols of moral righteousness, the “three officers of the police”, parallels Alonso’s realisation of his immorality in confronting the harpy. However, antonymous to the peaceful denouement in The Tempest, epitomised by the dramatic device of Prospero’s unifying circle, representing the complete cycle of change and repentance, The Tell Tale heart is devoid of meaningful transformations. The narrator’s lack of contrition despite realising his moral corruption is underscored by the exclamatory repetitions in “Why does his heart not stop beating?! Why does it not stop?!”, wherein the anaphora “why” contradicts the fulfilling nature of discoveries, as experienced by Alonso. As such,The Tell Tale heart serves a counterpoint to the positive transformative ramifications of discoveries.





In The Tempest , the act of discovering new ideals entails a challenge to pre-existing beliefs, leading to the creation of renewed perspectives of the world. Shakespeare employs the sea voyage in act 1 as a historical allusion to the age of discovery during which colonialism was spurred on by expansionist ideologies. Caliban’s harsh emotive language and parenthesis “I loved thee, and showed thee all the qualities of the isle....cursed bet that I did so” establishes the notion of exploitation reflected in the relationship between Caliban and Prospero, master and slave. Within the imperialist construct, Caliban’s subjugation to the civilised Prospero is justified, where Caliban’s characterisation as a “freckled welp, hag-born...not honoured with human shape” echoes supercilious European attitudes towards natives of the “New World”.  Shakespeare utilises a parody of the colonialist role in the parallel plot of Trinculo and Stephano as they encounter Caliban to reiterate the link between physical discoveries and exploitation despite simultaneously satirising colonial theory. However, through this unexpected encounter, the audience discovers Caliban’s nobility, illustrated by the use of iambic pentameter and eloquent language “be not afeared. The isle is full of noises, sounds and sweet airs”, which contrasts his previous characterisation. The discovery of Caliban’s true nature forces the audience to question both the morality of colonialism that enslaves such noble creatures and, thus preconceived assumptions of European dominance. Therefore, the play, an allegory for 17th century European colonisation, intrinsically serves as a catalyst for the audiences’ self-discovery by challenging entrenched ideologies of the “Old world” and facilitating new perspectives on the “New World”.




Whereas discoveries in The Tempest challenge widely held assumptions of the world, discoveries in The Tell Tale Heart reshape perspectives on humanity. The psychological horror story, written in the style of dramatic monologue and first person narration invites the audience to vicariously experience the narrator’s journey of self-discovery. Initially, the narrator’s attempt to assert his sanity through repetitive rhetorical questions “Why do you say that I am mad?...Is it not clear that I am not mad?” produces an antithetical response, with the repetition of the double negative “not” demonstrating the narrator’s lack of mental coherence. The metaphoric “vulture eye”, symbolic of man’s desire for truth, expedites the constructed discovery of the narrator’s insanity, whereas in The Tempest, the audience unexpectedly discovers Caliban’s nobility. This intellectual realisation challenges the protagonist’s self-perspective and catalyses the murder of the “old man”. As such, Poe utilises the intentionally anonymous narrator as a representative of humanity, revealing the innate evil within mankind, a discovery mirrored by the contrast between Caliban and Antonio in The Tempest. Whilst civilised Antonia appears superior to Caliban, he in fact the morally corrupt “savage”, evinced by the hyperbole “twenty consciences that stand ‘twist me and Milan”. Thus, the audience’s changed perception of humanity, as facilitated by The Tell Tale Heart, parallels reshaped attitudes towards European superiority and colonialism in The Tempest, reiterating the power of discovers to challenge preconceived beliefs and create fresh perspectives. 






Inevitably, the process of discovery entails challenges to pre-existing values, namely of humanity in The Tell Tale Heart and of the colonial theory in The Tempest. Although, discoveries may develop opportunities for transformation and change, the dichotomous ramifications demonstrated in The Tempest and The Tell Tale Heart attest towards the individualised and unique nature of discoveries. Nonetheless both texts highlight....Answer question
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: literally lauren on January 27, 2016, 10:08:40 pm
Experiences of discoveries either challenge or affirm deeply held values, resulting in transformations and broadened perceptions. Within Shakespeare’s tragicomedy The Tempest, lies an exploration into the transformative power of discoveries supplemented by an examination into bit of repetition in the sentence structure here. Try to vary your expression the relationship between one’s self and one’s world, enabling Shakespeare to renew perspectives on colonialism this is a bit too general? What perspectives are being renewed? Are you saying he was renewing ideals that had been lost to Jacobean England? Or are you saying that the perspectives he depicted renewed those of his time? I know this is a generalised essay, but this probably wouldn't cut it in the exam as it's a little too insubstantial. However, the multi-faceted nature of discoveries espouses this word usually only works with an active agent as the subject of the sentence. Think of it like the verb 'adopt' as in 'to adopt the view that...' You can't say 'discoveries adopt the view that ramifications are placed on individuals' because discoveries can't 'adopt' anything - nor can they 'espouse.' What you seem to be getting at here is that the nature of discoveries reveals/shows that... etc. It's worth looking up some synonyms for these kinds of verbs though, as they come up a lot the differing ramifications imposed upon individuals, as Edgar Allen Poe’s psychological short story, The Tell Tale Heart, conversely depicts the limitations of discoveries in evoking change.  Nonetheless, Poe similarly creates fresh perspectives by widening perceptions on the human condition. Thus..answer question. see end comments re: memorised material

In The Tempest, Shakespeare highlights the power of discoveries to unveil the faults of individuals - an instrumental step in engendering transformation and repentance. From the outset, the tempest which shipwrecks the characters on the island, acts as a physical manifestation and symbol of Prospero’s flawed desire for vengeance. This is a good point, and you've linked a major piece of evidence to some analysis quite nicely, but there's not quite enough of a connection between this and your topic sentence; namely, what does this have to do with discovery? The plight of the characters Which characters? What plight? This doesn't link to the previous point about Prospero at all, it seems. There is a connection here, but you can't get marks for it unless you make it explicit facilitates Miranda’s self-discovery of compassion, her emotive language “If by your art... I have suffered/ With those that I saw suffer!”” acts as a foil to Prospero’s enthusiastic exclamation ”Why, that’s my spirit” in apprehending the destruction he has contrived. As such, Prospero relegates to the immorality of Alonso, Sebastian and Antonio, conspirators of his usurpation who ultimately realise their moral shortcomings through the dramatic device of a vanishing banquet followed by the pagan image of a harpy, symbol for truth and justice. There's a bit too much going on in this sentence, and it feels like you've moved away from the focus of your paragraph quite rapidly. This confronting discovery of the supernatural coupled with Ariel’s accusatory tone “you are three men of sin”, prompts Sebastian and Antonio to run off in a mad fit. In contrast, Alonso acknowledges his guilt and repents, using the metaphor of a church orchestra to describe the purifying experience, where “the thunder, that deep and dreadful organ pipe, pronounced the name of Prosper”. Good analysis! And awesome quote integration to back it up :) Ironically, it is through Ariel’s pathos for the characters “if you beheld them now, your affections would become tender” that Prospero transforms and recognises that “the rarer action is in virtue than in vengeance” with the antithesis of “virtue” and “vengeance” highlighting his discovery of forgiveness. I think you could spell this out a little more; how is this antithesis created? ie. how do you know it's an antithesis? Are you wanting to analyse the meaning of the words individually, or the fact that there's alliteration here? And how does this antithesis link with the idea of discovery? Don't just tell me 'this evidence highlights this idea' - explain why this is the case! Thus, The Tempest reveals the potential of for discoveries to uncover flaws within individuals, was this your sub-argument here? Your concluding sentence is really nice, but it feels a bit divorced from what's going on in the actual paragraph. You need to a) make sure your evidence links from point to point - there are moments where you do this well, but the beginning of the para. jumps around a bit too much, and b) ensure that you can forge a link between this collective evidence and the point you're making. What you've got here is a very solid argument, and I can see how your evidence would support it, but if I'm your assessor, I'm not allowed to give you marks for what I assume or project onto your essay; I can only credit you with what you make apparent laying the foundations for change and transformation.

In The Tell Tale Heart, Poe conversely depicts the limitations of discoveries to induce positive transformations through the protagonist’s lack of penitence despite apprehending his moral vices. what do you mean by this exactly? Are you talking about his qualms with killing, or his guilt? I'm not too sure what 'apprehending' is doing in this context or which 'vices' you're referring to. Throughout the narrative, Poe employs the recurring motif of a heartbeat as a physical manifestation of the narrator’s internalised guilt. Good! The succession of short sentences in “They hear!-they suspected!-they KNEW!” emulates the rhythm of the heartbeat, allowing the audience to empathise perhaps 'pity' would be more appropriate here. 'Empathise' implies we look at his situation and think 'ah, that sucks, and I'd hate to be in the same situation because that's how I'd respond if it happened to me' (e.g. empathising with a friend crying because they failed a test when you know what that feels like) whereas pity is more like 'that really sucks that you got yourself into this situation - I would've acted differently and in accordance with my own morals, but I still feel bad for you' (e.g. pitying a friend who got caught cheating in a test, even though you would never even consider cheating) with the narrator’s troubled conscience. Thus, Poe effectively heightens dramatic tension, adding emphasis to the epiphany “Suddenly, I knew that sound was not in my ears, it was not just inside my head!”, as the narrator, like Alonso is confronted by the immorality of actions. Really nice link here!!! This is a great way to bridge across texts and I like how subtly you transition :) :) This self discovery, catalysed by symbols of moral righteousness, the “three officers of the police”, parallels Alonso’s realisation good evidence + language here of his immorality starting to overuse this word a bit - find some synonyms! in confronting the harpy. However, antonymous an 'antonym' is a word that's the opposite of another (e.g. 'bad' is an antonym of 'good') so you could only call two things antonymous if you were talking about words and their meaning. You can't really apply it to concepts or plot devices, so go for something like 'contrary' or 'as opposed to' here instead to the peaceful denouement in The Tempest, epitomised by the dramatic device of Prospero’s unifying circle, representing the complete cycle of change and repentance, The Tell Tale Heart is devoid of meaningful transformations This is the second piece I've read that makes this argument, and I'd have to disagree here - the whole story is like one long, slow, gradual realisation, changing the character from a cold-blooded killer to a guild-ridden shell of a man who ends up dobbing himself in, which seems like a substantial transformation to me. The narrator’s lack of contrition despite realising his moral corruption is underscored by the exclamatory repetitions in “Why does his heart not stop beating?! Why does it not stop?!”, wherein the anaphora “why” contradicts the fulfilling nature of discoveries, as experienced by Alonso as in, Tell Tale's narrator only has questions, whereas Alonso is able to find answers? If that's not it, I'm not sure what your point is here. As such,The Tell Tale Heart serves a counterpoint to the positive transformative ramifications of discoveries Okay, so are you saying TTH suggests that discoveries can lead to negative transformations, or that sometimes discoveries don't lead to any positive transformations at all? There's some great discussion in this paragraph, but your final point is a little less clear - tighten that up so you can do your paragraph justice.

It'd be great if you had some linking words for the starts of these paragraphs. It can seem superficial, but even a basic 'Furthermore' or 'Similarly' can create the illusion of flow and make it seem like your paragraphs are building on one another rather than being three or four entirely separate discussions. In The Tempest , the act of discovering new ideals entails a challenge to pre-existing beliefs, leading to the creation of renewed are they 'new' or 'renewed?' The former implies you're discovering entirely new ideals for the first time, but the latter implies you're rejuvenating your perspective by seeing something familiar in a fresh light. You've got both in this sentence, which is a little confusing perspectives of the world. Shakespeare employs the sea voyage in act 1 this discussion feels like it belongs more with the first bit of your first paragraph when talking about the actual tempest and the journey itself as a historical allusion to the age of discovery during which colonialism was spurred on by expansionist ideologies. Caliban’s harsh emotive language and parenthesis “I loved thee, and showed thee all the qualities of the isle....cursed bet that I did so” establishes the notion of exploitation reflected in the relationship between Caliban and Prospero, master and slave. Within the imperialist construct, Caliban’s subjugation to the civilised Prospero is justified, where Caliban’s characterisation as a “freckled welp, hag-born...not honoured with human shape” echoes supercilious European attitudes towards natives of the “New World”. Good. Shakespeare utilises try not to overuse this word - it's not wrong, but it's a missed opportunity to say something more than 'Shakespeare uses X' Consider: 'celebrates, condemns, condones, propounds, vilifies etc.' a parody of the colonialist role in the parallel plot of Trinculo and Stephano as they encounter Caliban to reiterate the link between physical discoveries and exploitation despite simultaneously satirising colonial theory quote? However, through this unexpected encounter, the audience discovers Caliban’s nobility, illustrated by the use of iambic pentameter and eloquent language “be not afeared. The isle is full of noises, sounds and sweet airs”, which contrasts his previous characterisation. The discovery of Caliban’s true nature forces the audience to question both the morality of colonialism that enslaves such noble creatures and, thus preconceived assumptions of European dominance. Very good, this is much more clearly spelled out - aim for this kind of clarity when explaining evidence because this is excellent. Therefore, the play, an allegory for 17th century European colonisation, intrinsically serves as a catalyst for the audiences’ self-discovery by challenging entrenched ideologies of the “Old world” and facilitating new perspectives on the “New World” V good para conclusion.

Whereas discoveries in The Tempest challenge widely held assumptions of the world, discoveries in The Tell Tale Heart reshape perspectives on humanity.The psychological horror story, written in the style of dramatic monologue and first person narration invites the audience to vicariously experience the narrator’s journey of self-discovery I thought you said before that there was no meaningful transformations in the story? Initially, the narrator’s attempt to assert his sanity through repetitive rhetorical questions “Why do you say that I am mad?...Is it not clear that I am not mad?” produces an antithetical response, with the repetition of the double negative “not” demonstrating the narrator’s lack of mental coherence good point :). The metaphoric “vulture eye”, symbolic of man’s desire for truth, expedites the constructed discovery of the narrator’s insanity yes it does, but you need to tell me how and why it does so. What function does the vulture eye play in TTH? Why is this significant? whereas in The Tempest, the audience unexpectedly discovers Caliban’s nobility. I like that you're making links across the texts, but this one comes across as a bit too brief. Either flesh it out for another sentence so you can make your point properly, or just get rid of this reference and focus more so on TTH in this para. This intellectual realisation challenges the protagonist’s self-perspective and catalyses the murder of the “old man”. As such, Poe utilises the intentionally anonymous narrator you could even make something of the use of 1st and 2nd person throughout, as in 'You think me mad' where the protagonist addresses the reader directly; consider the effect of this as a representative of humanity, revealing the innate evil within mankind, a discovery mirrored by the contrast between Caliban and Antonio in The Tempest. Whilst civilised Antonia appears superior to Caliban, he in fact the morally corrupt “savage”, evinced by the hyperbole “twenty consciences that stand ‘twist me and Milan” good. Thus, the audience’s changed perception of humanity, as facilitated by The Tell Tale Heart, parallels reshaped attitudes towards European superiority and colonialism in The Tempest, reiterating the power of discovery to challenge preconceived beliefs and create fresh perspectives. Some excellent comparison here, but I think the point of this paragraph undercuts the one you made in your 2nd a bit. There's some inconsistency with your interpretation of TTH that needs to be ironed out - everything on The Tempest is fine here though.

Inevitably, the process of discovery entails challenges to preexisting values you've used this expression at the start of your 3rd para already; vary this, namely of humanity in The Tell Tale Heart and of the colonial theory in The Tempest. Although, discoveries may develop opportunities for transformation and change, the dichotomous ramifications demonstrated in The Tempest and The Tell Tale Heart attest towards the individualised and unique nature of discoveries. Nonetheless both texts highlight....Answer question see end comments

You've got some really high-quality textual analysis here, and your integration and discussion of quotes and other evidence was pretty spot-on.

First point of improvement: the ideas about discovery that you're extracting from The Tell Tale Heart seem a little bit contradictory. Put simply, it boils down to whether or not you think the protagonist does discover something over the course of the story. I'd probably argue that he does, even if he's too insane to realise it, but I could understand how someone might argue the opposite. Either way, you have to be consistent!

It's probably worth sorting this out prior to writing more essays though, so maybe go back to the text, reevaluate your stance, and just list a bunch of basic questions and answers like:
...and so on

If you find this helpful, you could do the same for The Tempest and see how many questions you can list, but most of your analysis seems fine here, so it's up to you.

This should assist you in getting a really clear-cut grasp on what the text has to say, and then you can jazz it up in your essays to present in a more 'English-y' way.

Now, with regards to pre-learned material, I totally get the impulse to memorise, but the truly high scoring students are the ones who do it in a smart way by having a 'swiss cheese' kind of essay. This means that rather than having an introduction where the first four or five lines are just the same generic statements about the human condition or the multifaceted nature of discovery (since a lot of assessors will see right through that) you'll instead have gaps every second sentence or so for you to fill in a viable connection to the prompt.

So rather than waiting until the end of your introduction to 'answer the question,' it'll be uber-impressive if you're doing that right from the start, instantly separating yourself from the pack of students who are just churning out the same old thing. It's important to ensure you're writing refined, polished sentences, but it's even more important to be addressing the prompt, so if you can make that your goal right from the start, the assessors will notice.

It's all about finding the right blend of 'stuff you've written before that you know works well and sounds nice' and trusting your ability to improvise and deal with unseen material effectively.

Also, there were sections of your piece that demonstrated a great process of dissecting evidence, explaining its relevance, and gradually building an argument. But there were others that skipped some of those steps, and it's very tough for your teachers to give you credit if you're leaping all over the place without 'showing your workings,' so to speak. Try to minimise the amount of 'X represents Y' sentences and instead opt for more in depth explanations of how and why X represents Y, if that makes sense.

Expression and sophstication really don't seem to be an issue here; there were a few odd word choice errors but nothing too significant (~mostly just me being nit-picky if I'm honest). But you've flagged this as an area of concern, so perhaps try and be more specific with yourself - what kind of expression issues do you find weigh you down?

If in doubt, go for the catch-all question for self-evaluation in English:
   Do I not know what to write, or do I not know how to write it?


So to sum up:

1) Iron out that Tell Tale interpretation so you can write about it confidently and without fear of contradiction. Question the text if you need to, as this is a good way to force yourself to come at it from a wider variety of angles and, in doing so, will potentially unlock some new essay fodder for you to discuss.

2) Make sure your essays prioritise the prompts, and practice adapting your knowledge of the texts to specific questions. Create some 'swiss-cheese' sentences that let you slot ideas into place, but don't fall into the 'chuck of rote-learned stuff' trap if you can avoid it

3) Focus on building points within paragraphs, both in terms of logic and linking sentences. I've marked the places in your piece where you were doing this well, so take note of those and replicate the same kind of approach in future

4) See if you can self-mark in order to find instances of what you believe to be issues with expression or sophistication. You could even keep a running tally when you write your next piece of all the words and sentences you find tough to write, or consider kind of clunky. Even just asterisking the margins next to each one would suffice. Then you can come back to them and (either yourself, or with the help of teachers/AN) dissect the problematic elements and improve them. There are other, more general exercises to improve expression like wider reading, but the one outlined above is probably going to be the most efficient way to tackle things.

Let us know if you have any questions, and great work overall! :)
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: Spencerr on January 27, 2016, 10:55:22 pm
Thanks you so much for the feedback  :) :) :)

Just a few points of clarification:

"Try to minimise the amount of 'X represents Y' sentences and instead opt for more in depth explanations of how and why X represents Y, if that makes sense."

Could you elaborate a bit more on this part? The style i adopt when I write an essay usually means I build up an argument over the course of a paragraph instead of having individual discrete sentences. Could you show me an example on how I could improve with regards to your feedback?

THANKS :) :)
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: literally lauren on January 28, 2016, 07:52:17 am
"Try to minimise the amount of 'X represents Y' sentences and instead opt for more in depth explanations of how and why X represents Y, if that makes sense."

Could you elaborate a bit more on this part? The style i adopt when I write an essay usually means I build up an argument over the course of a paragraph instead of having individual discrete sentences. Could you show me an example on how I could improve with regards to your feedback?
The overall paragraph argumentation is important, but you also need to make sure the individual pieces of your analysis fit together and aren't assuming too much of your assessor.

Take the following sentence: Poe foreshadows the protagonist's fate when he has him acknowledge that the old man "sitting up in the bed listening; just as [the protagonist had] done, night after night, hearkening to the death watches in the wall."

That's quite a long quite, but I'm providing the whole thing for context here.
My reasoning is that Poe deliberately mirrors the protagonist closing in upon his victim with the idea of sealed fates and encroaching darkness with the notion of the protagonist's own sense of impending doom, which reaches its zenith at the story's end. In that quote, the character states that the old man would lie awake listening to death "just as I have done," so this parallel between the soon-to-be-victim and the protagonist serves as a kind of foreshadowing for the final moments of the text. When the protagonist kills the old man, he seals both of their fates, in a way.

Now that you know my reasoning, you can see why that sentence makes sense. The trouble is that I haven't actually put any of that reasoning into my analytical sentence; I've just stated that Poe foreshadows the character's demise by having the protagonist acknowledge that both he and the old man lay awake fearing death. Or, in other words, Poe does Y, as represented by X.

But how/why does X represent Y? How/why does that quote, and the fact that there is this mirroring between the two characters, serve as a foreshadowing of the protagonist's fate?

The answer to those questions would have to be embedded in my analysis somewhere if I wanted write as safe a piece as possible. Not every time, mind you - you're allowed to assume some things, and not every point will warrant this kind of spelling out, but you should be able to pick out the important parts of your reasoning and demonstrate them in your analysis, rather than leave it all out and assume your assessor can follow your train of thought.

At this point, it'd be better to overexplain than underexplain, so perhaps pick out a few parts of your analysis, and just focus on spelling out the link between your evidence and the overall idea or argument you're building up to. If it turns out you've gone too far, then you can just cut a few bits out, and you're done, but that process will give you some idea of how much analysis is needed in certain circumstances.

Put simply, if I can still ask: 'how do you know?' at the end of a sentence in your body paragraph, then you need to go back and work on it.
& if I can ask 'so what?' at the enc of the paragraph overall, then you need a stronger, more relevant concluding sentence. The former is more important for you now, but this one can also be a good test to conduct yourself :)

Hope that clears things up!
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: ssarahj on January 28, 2016, 06:24:03 pm
Hey it would be really awesome if you guys could have a look at one of my Discovery essays that I quickly threw together the other day.... :)
The question was, "Analyse how discoveries have a meaningful impact on a person’s sense of self".


An individual’s sense of self and identity is directly impacted by discoveries in their lives, which become meaningful due to their personal nature. This act of self-discovery can help an individual develop their relationships and perception of their purpose in the world. The play Away written by Michael Gow and the film Mao’s Last Dancer directed by Bruce Beresford both consistently demonstrate this idea. These impacts on sense of self can be a result of an individual overcoming grief, altering world views, developing a connection with nature and also finding freedom. Therefore discoveries have a very meaningful impact on a person’s perception of themselves.

Self-discovery can assist an individual in overcoming hardships and loss, fostering a deeper inner understanding. People who have dealt with grief at some point in their lives can have a stronger sense of self and resilience. In Away, the character Coral is immobilised by the death of her son in the Vietnam War to the point where she struggles to function in everyday society. She describes her pain as being, “everywhere, isn’t it? In the air we breathe”, in which Gow uses a rhetorical question and a metaphor to demonstrate the all-consuming and hopeless nature of her grief. As the play progresses towards its conclusion, Coral begins to heal as she discovers her ability to continue everyday life without her son. The Shakespearean device of a play-within-a-play, ‘The Stranger on the Shore’ is symbolic of Coral’s return from the, “silent bottom of the deep”, to, “[her] own world and [her] own people”. She demonstrates this meaningful transition by stating, “[in her own voice] I’m walking, I’m walking, I’m walking”, representing her new identity and rediscovery of the value of life. Thus it can be seen that discoveries have direct impact on an individual’s sense of self in overcoming grief and loss.

The discovery of contrasting cultures and worldviews allow for an individual to examine their identity and place in society. Often it can come as a shock for people as they experience a country or culture’s ideologies for the first time. This is very prevalent in Mao’s Last Dancer as Li is exposed to the predominantly Capitalist America which is in conflict with the Communist China he grew up in. As a child Li was effectively brainwashed into thinking that Americans, “live in darkness with hardly any daylight”. This hyperbolic statement is juxtaposed with a shot that follows of Li in an American nightclub with a close up of the bright lights surrounding him. Beresford clearly demonstrates that Li’s perceptions of the world outside of China are being challenged through his discovery of American culture. As Li spends more time in America he begins to show doubts about his home country and the Communist ideals. He states, “China [isn’t] so easy. [They] tell you what to do, where to go, what [you] can say”, which uses short phrases of dialogue to emphasise the basic aspects of his freedom that he didn’t have in China. This realisation has a major impact on Li’s worldview and ultimately leads to his defection from China. Thus it can be seen that a person’s examination of their sense of self can be as a result of the discovery of different cultures and worldview.

Nature can assist and act as the catalyst for discoveries that impact an individual’s sense of self. The powerful ability of nature as a physical and metaphorical presence allows for many meaningful discoveries. In Away, Gwen is transformed from being obsessed with structure and material possessions to having appreciation for family and the value of life. The act of going away from home on a holiday provides her with the opportunity for self-discovery without the pressure of domestic spaces. This is compounded by Gow’s use of the Shakespearean device of a storm to put Gwen in a position of vulnerability with the destruction of her possessions, such as her, “new caravan. With everything in it you could want”. The beach is also used as a symbolic place of healing as this is where Gwen discovers the importance of family and her relationships after presumably learning of Tom’s illness from Vic. Her transformation is epitomised through her attempt to reconnect with her husband Jim as she says, “Come on, down to the water. The water’s so warm”. The symbol of water as rejuvenating and calming helps the audience to understand Gwen’s focus on reconciliation.. Therefore it is clear that the influence of nature can lead to discoveries which have meaningful impacts on individuals.

A person’s discovery of freedom in their life can promote a stronger perception of themselves. This is even more powerful after being in an repressive situation. In Away, Tom is able to come to terms with his imminent death despite his parents refusal to acknowledge the terminal nature of his illness. This allows Tom to discover the freedom of accepting his destiny. This is epitomised in his final line of the play, “Unburden’d crawl towards death”. The intertextuality of this passage from Shakespeare’s King Lear adds depth and context to Tom’s situation and symbolises the conclusion of his struggle with his mortality. Similarly in Mao’s Last Dancer, Li discovers his identity and true capability through the freedom he finds dancing in America. In Li’s first ballet production in Texas he performs a complicated solo jump which is shown in slow motion as a mid-shot of his chest with arms outstretched and a crescendo in the music. This represents him breaking free of his autocratic Chinese Communist past and embracing his future in America. Therefore it can be seen that an individual’s discovery of freedom in their lives can enhance their sense of self.

The discoveries an individual makes throughout their life have meaningful impacts on their sense of self and the type of person they become. Discovery as a result of grief, differing cultures, the influence of nature and freedom from repression provides an individual with opportunity for self-reflection, leading to a better understanding of themselves. Thus it can be concluded that the personal nature of discoveries in an individual’s life provide meaningful impacts on their sense of self. 
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: MemeKing on January 29, 2016, 04:59:34 pm
Hey!!  Could you please look at my essay?  I didn't too well in the last assessment and would appreciate feedback :)

Rediscovery -Rediscovering Hurley’s Artworks in order gain a more appreciative and heightened meaning
Nasht’s cinema verite of Hurley traces the mutability of his artworks to persuade an audience to reassess and appreciate the historical truth of his manipulations.  Nasht configures Hurley in ‘Frank Hurley’ to serve as a consistent reminder to the audience of his transience through the initial montage of Hurley’s images in accompany with dramatic noble music.  This attempts to immortalize the otherwise ephemeral significance of Hurley’s artworks in order to convey to an audience of Hurley’s “remarkable photography” and to view Hurley in a different perspective.  In an attempt to prevent the decay of Hurley’s legacy, Nasht attempts of justify Hurley’s otherwise immoral representation of reality in a purist society by employing a series of quadtiptyches.  This is cultivated in order to contest the inevitable subjectivity of the historical truth behind Hurley’s images and presents an arbitrary audience the rationale behind Hurley’s manipulations.  Furthermore, Nasht’s embellishment of Hurley coincides with the postmodern pluralist disposition of “a world searching for heroes” and furnishes a now accepting society the ability to question historical truth.  This is displayed further through Nasht’s portrayal of the cyclical nature of the auction house in accompany with “The Polar Sale” that ultimately commemorates the appreciation and value of Hurley’s artwork once a societies’ rationale transcends pre-existing paradigms.  Ultimately in ‘Frank Hurley’, Nasht conveys to an audience that through discovering a more justified approach to questioning historical truth can a more appreciative stance on historical truth be gained.

Self-Discovery – Discovering Hurley’s inability to sustain his ‘showman’ facade and thus attempts to perpetuate the creation of himself as a myth
Upon reassessing one’s inability to sustain one’s desired facade, man attempts to perpetuate their own fallacy in an attempt to succour their desired self-image.  Hurley’s incapability to support the perpetuation of his legacy is highlighted through Nasht’s depiction of Hurley’s life as a personified “story” embellishing “many stories” but his “own”.  This suggests that Hurley tried consistently to portray himself as his own myth, however, could not sustain his depiction and ultimately resorted to associating himself with other stories.  However, in “Frank Hurley”, Nasht engages in demonstrating to an audience of Hurley’s self-discovery that ultimately provokes him to undergo inherent transformation that eventually leads to the creation of a myth that perpetuates Hurley’s decide self-image. Nasht’s attempts to symbolise Hurley’s desired legacy is demonstrated through constant mythological symbolisms to “the hero’s journey”.  Nasht engages in this narration in order to portray Hurley’s inherent desire to perpetuate himself to a purist audience of his own mythological fallacy.  His inability to perpetuate his desired facade renders him “exhausted by the struggle”, however, Hurley’s ambition towards self-fulfilment is highlighted through Nasht’s placement of the final voiceover of Hurley’s diaries stating, “If I could live my life again, I’d do it all exactly the same”.  This final voiceover in conjunction with images of Hurley with a camera is ultimately placed by Nasht in order to immortalize Hurley’s fallacy as a “grand illusionist”.  Ultimately, Nasht demonstrates Hurley’s ability to reassess him and undergo a process that effectively allows Hurley to sustain and perpetuate his desired self-image.
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: lauren7366 on January 29, 2016, 06:34:02 pm
Heres my essay on the tempest which is in process. just wanting to know if I'm on the right track and if the sentences make sense and all. it isn't a finished product and i haven't included much about my related text yet - the count of monte cristo film

Stories of our past help us discover who we are in the present.
To what extend does this confirm your understanding that discoveries can be reassessed over time?

Discoveries can be a process of reassessment, which are catalyzed due to change of circumstance and reflection of ones past mistakes. As a result of these confronting and provocative discoveries, enlightenment is reached in the reformation of our morals, encouraging humanist values such as forgiveness and love. William Shakespeare’s pastoral comedy, “The Tempest” written in 1610, and the film, “The count of Monte Cristo,” directed by Kevin Reynolds, both exemplify the corrupt desire for vengeance that allows for a renewed perception of world view once it is realized to be deceitful. This realization comes through reflection of the past in order to progress in future endeavors.

The Tempest follows the reformation of an individuals absolute control and power, into benevolent traits such as internal judgment and empathetic characteristics that would thrive within utopian governance. This is achieved by self acceptance of past faults providing a renewed perception of compassion and forgiveness; notions that are the fundamentals of humanism. When remarking to Miranda the “foul play”, that they were “heaved thence,” Prospero highlights the corrupt society in which he ruled, where he himself “neglect[ed] worldly ends, all dedicated to the closeness and the bettering of [his] mind,” but also the world in which he was betrayed by “ a brother […] so perfidious.” Shakespeare utilizes this as a microcosm for the power lust that humanity exemplifies in positions of authority; knowledge prized over our collective morality and familiar bonds. The 1600’s imperialistic context of control and influence over the majority, is prevalent within Prospero’s need to manipulate native Caliban and Ariel’s servitude for personalized advantage. This is showcased using the disruption of natural order, the tempest itself symbolizing the brazen attitude that Prospero subjects’ others to; as a result of his ultimate thirst for revenge that dominates all cognitive deliberation. Audiences grapple with Prospero’s shortcomings to understand that life manipulates the circumstances that we oversee, however it is how we confront these circumstances that determines our future success.

Individuals in powerful positions often have to experience unprompted failure in order to reassess corrupt core values and furthermore access personalized freedom and amend flawed leadership qualities. It is through Prospero’s relationship with spirit Ariel, that access to worldly insight is obtained; from self absorption into acceptance of the altruistic experiences in life, taking from this a renewed optimism for the future. Prospero’s individual values of hatred, are challenged by Ariel’s perspective of tenderness and wisdom in the face of choice, “that if you now beheld them, your affections would become tender.” This is then furthered by the acknowledgment of the humanistic characteristics that Prospero should adhere to by reason of his biological makeup, “mine would sir, if I were human.” From this, audiences are reminded of the humanity we are answerable to exhibit in order to thrive as a society, however Prospero also learns that his corruption is what erodes humanisms core belief; if we cannot have faith in the people, a strong fundament of politics cannot be developed. We also see this realised in alliteration, “rarer act is in virtue than in vengeance”, symbolising the discovery of human connection and that kindness prevails over the corrupt quest of power.

Prospero’s epiphany similarly coincides with Edmond Dante’s experience, his integral belief in vengeance challenged by Abbe Farria (priest) and the revelation of a biological son, leading to a rewarding sense of love and peace from one’s inner demons. Chief prosecutor Ville fort; one who originally deceives Edmond into imprisonment, foreshadows the enlightenment that Edmond is to experience at the end of the film, “perhaps some good will come out of this treasonous affair.” Audiences understand this enlightenment to be that he discovers the intrinsic value of knowledge to be a tool, providing the wisdom to forgive even in the face of ultimate choice. The unpredictable discovery of his biological son, through exclamatory language accompanied by directed close up, “Albert, you are the son of Edmond Dantes. The man you know as the Count of Monte Cristo,” allows Edmond to reassess the importance of a personal vendetta when presented with opportunity to rebuild love ; a founding characteristic that is vital in order to further one’s humanism.


thanks
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: foodmood16 on January 30, 2016, 10:38:56 am
This is my discovery essay on Go Back To Where You Came From and a related. I haven't gone well in the other assessments so far, so I want to know if I am on the right track.  :)

The question is 'Discoveries can be transformative and/or far-reaching for an individual'

The emotional, intellectual and physical discoveries can act as the foundations for an individual and can have a transformative effect on their awareness of human experiences and the wider world. The discoveries can be carefully planned, so much that the composer can place an individual in unauthentic situations, even without their knowledge. In the 2011 documentary series ‘Go Back To Where You Came From’, the participants are taken on the migrant journey in reverse and the experiences of Adam Hartup and Darren Hassan show many emotional ramifications that are impacted by their awareness of the influence of the media on this political issue. The producers have seemingly composed many of the experiences to exaggerate the extent of their discoveries, making the responders question the far-reaching impact of the emotional responses of the participants. Similarly, in the 1963 poem ‘Mid-Term Break’ by Seamus Heaney explores the transformative discoveries of his own childhood, having lost an infant in traumatic accident. He focuses on how this impacted the people around the protagonist, as well as the reader. He uses carefully planned literary techniques in order to provoke an emotional response from the reader. Both texts explore how discoveries can be influenced by the composer by making the audience and protagonist aware or unaware of these influences.

The foundations of transformative discoveries can be affected by the authorial presence and careful planning of a reality TV series, and ultimately the participants are unaware of this presence. During Episode 2 of ‘Go Back To Where You Came From’, the participants take part in a police raid on a construction site. On the ride to the site, Adam comments, “if it’s the Chins I’ll lose my shit… I won’t be able to handle it.” The non-diegetic music builds into a suspenseful tone and the camera shows Adam in a close-up shot. This shows Adam’s unawareness of how his reaction to this confronting event can be manipulated by the producers. The emphatic language shows the growing attachment and understanding Adam has developed through the emotional discoveries. Throughout the raid, Adam doesn’t say much, but his body language expresses his confusion and confrontation, unaware of how to act in retaliation to the site of arrested refugees. As new discoveries are made, it becomes clear to the participants and audience how an authorial presence can shape material into their preferred ideal.

For the reader, transformative discoveries and their foundations are affected by the author of a text through their careful use of literary techniques, with allows the reader to emotionally respond to the text. In the poem, ‘Mid-Term Break’, many techniques are used to convey the story of the death of an infant, although the reader doesn’t discover this until the end of the journey. The title itself “Mid-Term Break”” leads the responder to think the poem is about a happy event of the end of the school year, making them unaware of the poignant and traumatic story that lay ahead. It is the end of the first stanza that the reader suspects that something unusual is about to occur, though still oblivious to the traumatic event. “At two o’clock our neighbours drove me home.” This unusual event of the neighbours taking the protagonist home allows the reader to prepare themselves for the death of the four-year-old boy, building the morbid mood. They are still unaware of the emotional consequences of the death. Far-reaching discoveries can be impacted by the author’s manipulation of words to lead to greater the impact of the responder’s emotional response.

As new understandings and perceptions develop from discoveries, it becomes clear how constructed the media is in order to portray a particular side of a story. The producers of ‘Go Back To Where You Came From’ have aimed to emphasise their pro-humanitarian motivation to provoke an empathetic response by the audience. At the end of Episode 1, the participants are placed on refugee boat, and are forced to travel into the open sea without knowledge of their destination. After experiencing this unauthentic situation, the live camera captures Darren, the most opposed to boat people, express his concerns that the media is “…emotionally involving us without our consent.” The collective terms used in his language shows that he is talking not only about himself, but the Australian public. Darren’s body language and tone also shows his agitation by the experience, and shows his awareness of how the program has constructed these ‘transformative’ experiences in order to provoke an emotional response by the participants. He also explains that the media wants “you should feel bad, you should feel empathy.” Darren is placed in a mid-shot, and uses high modality language to highlight his feeling of manipulation by the media. The awareness of constructed discoveries that an individual may undertake can therefore influence their shift in perceptions, or even affirm their previous understandings.

The new understandings and renewed perceptions that derive from the foundations of discoveries are impacted by the author’s choice of form and stylistic elements of their writing. In the poem ‘Mid-Term Break’, Heaney explores the parent’s reactions to the death of the infant, before the protagonist’s is discovered. In stanza 2, the father’s reaction is distinguished. “… I met my father crying…always taken funerals in his stride…” In the 1950’s, the thought of a man crying was against the society’s stereotypical man, and the use of this emphasises the lasting impact of the death of a loved one, especially an infant.  The mother’s reaction to this terrible news is expressed in stanza 5. “…coughed out angry tearless sighs.” The silence of “tearless sighs” accentuates the idea of the reverence of death. At this stage, it is still unclear to the audience of who is dead, though the characters portrayed have already discovered this. The awareness of the characters show how discoveries build to the transformative foundations of the audience and their new understandings.

In conclusion, both the SBS documentary series ‘Go Back To Where You Came From’ and the poem ‘Mid-Term Break’ explore how the audience and participants are aware or unaware of how the composer influences the discoveries they make.
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: literally lauren on January 30, 2016, 01:37:37 pm
Comments below; let me know if you guys have any questions! :)

Feedback for ssarahj
"Analyse how discoveries have a meaningful impact on a person’s sense of self".

An individual’s sense of self and identity is should be 'are' since you're talking about both 'sense of self' and 'identity,' and the distinction between the two can be quite interesting, in fact directly impacted by discoveries in their lives, which become meaningful due to their personal nature. This act of self-discovery can help an individual develop their relationships and perception of their purpose in the world. The play Away written by Michael Gow and the film Mao’s Last Dancer directed by Bruce Beresford both consistently demonstrate this idea. These impacts what impacts, exactly? If you're talking about developing relationships and perceptions, those ideas haven't really carried into the following sentence, so you've got a discussion of some concepts, then a sentence about the texts, and then you go back to those concepts again, which can be a bit jarring to follow on sense of self can be a result of an individual overcoming grief, altering world views, developing a connection with nature and also finding freedom. Try to avoid this listing of ideas if you can. Often intros are strengthened by 'opening up' the discussion, so spending maybe a sentence on each of these in order to flesh them out would be preferable to simply getting them all out of the way in one go. Therefore discoveries have a very meaningful impact on a person’s perception of themselves.

Self-discovery can assist an individual in overcoming hardships and loss, fostering a deeper inner understanding. People who have dealt with grief at some point in their lives can have a stronger sense of self and resilience. Great! I like that you're not just jumping from a hugely broad idea about discovery into the text in the very next sentence; these transition points where you gradually 'zoom in' are awesome! In Away, the character Coral is immobilised by the death of her son in the Vietnam War to the point where she struggles to function in everyday society. She describes her pain as being, “everywhere, isn’t it? In the air we breathe”, in which Gow uses a rhetorical question and a metaphor to demonstrate the all-consuming and hopeless nature of her grief see end comments!. As the play progresses towards its conclusion, Coral begins to heal as she discovers her ability to continue everyday life without her son. The Shakespearean device of a play-within-a-play perhaps this is terminology your teacher has verified (in which case ignore this) but I wouldn't necessarily call a 'play-within-a-play' a Shakesperean technique.He wasn't the first to use it in Hamlet and intertextuality is a very common thing, so unless you want to make a more substantial link here, it might be better to alter the wording, ‘The Stranger on the Shore’ is symbolic of Coral’s return from the, “silent bottom of the deep”, to, “[her] own world and [her] own people”. She demonstrates this meaningful transition by stating, “[in her own voice] I’m walking, I’m walking, I’m walking”, representing her new identity and rediscovery of the value of life. But how does her statement of "I'm walking" represent this? The evidence you've selected and the arguments you're making here are both excellent; you just need to connect the two more clearly to ensure you're getting sufficient credit. Thus it can be seen that discoveries have direct impact on an individual’s sense of self in overcoming grief and loss. V. good para conclusion that links directly to both the discussion and the topic :)

The discovery of contrasting cultures and worldviews allows  --since it's singular 'discovery' even though you're talking about a plural contrast for an individual to examine their identity and place in society. Often it can come as a shock for people as they experience a country or culture’s ideologies for the first time. This is very prevalent in Mao’s Last Dancer as Li is exposed to the predominantly capitalist American ideology which is in conflict with the Communist China he grew up in. As a child Li was effectively brainwashed into thinking that Americans, “live in darkness with hardly any daylight”. This hyperbolic statement is juxtaposed with a shot that follows of Li in an American nightclub with a close up of the bright lights surrounding him. Beresford clearly demonstrates you're using this word quite a bit (and it's a good word to use, but overuse tends to lead to over-reliance, which can then lead to repetition) so perhaps lookk up some synonyms for this that Li’s perceptions of the world outside of China are being challenged through his discovery of American culture. As Li spends more time in America he begins to show doubts about his home country and the Communist ideals. He states, “China [isn’t] so easy. [They] tell you what to do, where to go, what [you] can say”, which uses short phrases of dialogue to emphasise the basic aspects of his freedom that he didn’t have in China. This realisation has a major impact on Li’s worldview and ultimately leads to his defection from China. Thus it can be seen that a person’s examination of their sense of self can be as a result of the discovery of different cultures and worldview. Good, though this paragraph conclusion is a little too similar to the statements you've already made. I noted in the last para. that it's good to have a concluding point that ties together the main focus of that discussion, but you don't want it to feel redundant or repetitious. Different wording can help here, but you may also want to build out to the prompt from a slightly different angle (e.g. why is it that self-reflection or exposure to other cultures lead to a change in one's worldview?)

Aim for greater fluency between paragraphs too; more on this in the end comments. Nature can assist and act as the catalyst for discoveries that impact an individual’s sense of self. The powerful ability of nature as a physical and metaphorical presence allows for many meaningful discoveries. In Away, Gwen is transformed from being obsessed with structure and material possessions to having appreciation for family and the value of life. The act of going away from home on a holiday provides her with the opportunity for self-discovery without the pressure of domestic spaces. This is compounded by Gow’s use of the Shakespearean device of a storm the 'play-within-a-play' thing was dubious, but I definitely wouldn't call the storm a 'Shakesperean' thing to put Gwen in a position of vulnerability with the destruction of her possessions, such as her, “new caravan. With everything in it you could want”. The beach is also used instead of saying 'used' which could come across as a fairly pedestrian word, try and go for a more descriptive way of describing what the author (/playwright) is trying to accomplish here. There's a great thread on improving vocabulary here for reference if you need a place to start :) as a symbolic place of healing as this is where Gwen discovers the importance of family and her relationships after presumably learning of Tom’s illness from Vic. Her transformation is epitomised through her attempt to reconnect with her husband Jim as she says, “Come on, down to the water. The water’s so warm”. The symbol of water as rejuvenating and calming helps the audience to understand Gwen’s focus on reconciliation. Therefore it is clear that the influence of nature can lead to discoveries which have meaningful impacts on individuals. I like that you're prioritising clarity in these sentences because it means I'm left in no doubt about your focus and the relevance of this discussion to the topic. Now all you have to do is vary your sentence structure, as I'm noticing each of your paragrpahs ends in a very similar way - and it's effective, but needs to not be noticeable ;) Again, consult the link above and scroll down from some alternate sentence structures if needed.

A person’s discovery of freedom in their life can promote a stronger perception of themselves. This is even more powerful after being in an repressive situation. In Away, Tom is able to come to terms with his imminent death despite his parents refusal to acknowledge the terminal nature of his illness. This allows Tom to discover the freedom of accepting his destiny. This is epitomised in his final line of the play, “Unburden’d crawl towards death”. The intertextuality of this passage from Shakespeare’s King Lear adds depth and context to Tom’s situation and symbolises the conclusion of his struggle with his mortality. Similarly in Mao’s Last Dancer, Li discovers his identity and true capability through the freedom he finds dancing in America. In Li’s first ballet production in Texas he performs a complicated solo jump which is shown in slow motion as a mid-shot of his chest with arms outstretched and a crescendo in the music. This represents him breaking free of his autocratic Chinese Communist past and embracing his future in America. Therefore it can be seen that an individual’s discovery of freedom in their lives can enhance their sense of self. By the end of this paragraph (i.e. the end of your essay) it'd be good if you were able to zoom out and make a point about the nature of discovery more broadly. You've discussed your sub-argument well, but this should be moving back out to your overall contention here. The easiest way to do that is to keep asking 'so what' until you get to that really abstract level.
i.e. 'discovering freedom enhances one's sense of self'
>> so what?
Well, freedom and self-determination are inextricably linked
>> so what?
Without the freedom to discover oneself, we would be unable to actually define and understand ourselves.
^^and that's the sentiment that goes in the end of our paragraphph.

Note that you can keep conducting this exercise over and over again to see how far it'll take you. The same can be done with other questions like 'why?' and 'how do I know?'

The discoveries an individual makes throughout their life have meaningful impacts on their sense of self and the type of person they become. Discovery as a result of grief, differing cultures, the influence of nature and freedom from repression bit list-y - avoid this provides an individual with opportunity for self-reflection, leading to a better understanding of themselves. Thus it can be concluded that the personal nature of discoveries in an individual’s life provide meaningful impacts on their sense of self. I think your conclusion is letting you down a bit here. The first and last sentences are saying almost exactly the same thing, which is a statement that's already been made numerous times throughout your piece. The clarity and connections are great, but you don't want to go too far overboard and end up having an essay that's too narrow or repetitious. Likewise the sentence that lists off the focus of your body paragraphs doesn't really unite these ideas to say something meaningful about the way they relate to one another; it's just a checklist of things that have already been explored. Try to zoom out a bit more here; the questions listed at the end of the previous para might give some frameing here.

Really good stuff here! You seem to have the underlying structure well under control, and the clarity of your expressions was pretty much flawless.

There's some improvement to be made with regards to 'spelling out' your evidence and ensuring the assessors can get from A (your quotes and textual examples) to B (your overall ideas).

Taking this excerpt from your first paragraph:
"She describes her pain as being, “everywhere, isn’t it? In the air we breathe”, in which Gow uses a rhetorical question and a metaphor to demonstrate the all-consuming and hopeless nature of her grief."
and breaking this down into its essential bits, we have:
- the quote: "[pain is] everywhere, isn't it? In the air we breathe"
- the devices: (rhetorical question & metaphor)
- the meaning: Coral's grief is all-consuming and hopeless
but how are these pieced together? You state that there is a connection (and there totally is!) but if you were to make this explicit, your assertion would be a lot stronger. So, in this case, how do you know her grief is all-consuming and hopeless? How does that quote demonstrate your point?
See this for a possible answer
If we're to focus on the metaphor part of the quote, we've got to try and get from "[pain is] in the air we breathe" to the notion of hopelessness and consumption, so what is it about this language that might lead us to this idea? When, the concept of something being "in the air we breathe" implies that it is not only all around us (=all-consuming, or at least ubiquitous) but that it also infiltrates us and becomes a part of the air. Thus, to breathe (and to live) is to experience pain, because it is so ubiquitous an unavoidable. Now we can reasonably conclude that there is an element of saddness and hopelessness in that quote because of this rationale, so your analysis might look something like:
She describes her pain as being "everywhere, isn't it? In the air we breathe" whereby Gow's metaphorical description of pain being such an omnipresent and inescapable force serves to demonstrate the all-consuming and hopeless nature of Coral's grief.
It may seem like a small change, but that one tiny step of 'showing your workings' can be very advantageous in showcasing your knowledge of the text and ability to extract ideas from it.
Also, and I believe I may have mentioned this in a previous bit of essay feedback but just in case: you want your paragraphs to build on one another. If I were to change the order around and read your 3rd para first and your second one last or w/e, it should seem weird! You don't want your essay to be an assortment of random mini-discussions that go off on their different tangents without linking together; instead, you want it to be like a pyramid with each brick aiding you in reaching that high point of your thesis statement in response to the prompt. You still have to have separate paragraphs, of course, but you should see them as a series of stepping stones to get you to an overall point, rather than being like... I don't know... flower petals that just stem out from the centre but don't combine help you get anywhere with your arguments.

Beyond that, some greater variation in sentence structure and vocabulary would also help you bolster your piece, especially when it comes to the conclusion. You always want to end with impact, as this is where the mark is decided, so to restate your points and only use sentences that have basically already been used earlier is to tell the assessor you don't have anything better to say, meaning that if they're hovering between a 7/10 and an 8/10, a mediocre conclusion might be what tips the balance to a 7 rather than an 8.

Also, and this might be a matter of some contention depending on your teacher, but I'd say it'd be great to have a paragraph (or multiple paragraphs, ideally) that talk about both of your texts instead of switching between them both. If you are to forge connections between the two, you should really talk about them together. See some of the previous corrections for advice on potential essay structures.

But you're already in the enviable position of basically having all the content right, and just needing to fine tune your presentation of it. So, the stuff you should aim to work on:

1) Have your ideas and sub-arguments build on one another. This is often best practised through essay plans as opposed to full essays, so maybe draw up some rough outlines and give yourself some idea of how things will link together to help develop your thesis statement.

2) Ensure that you're connecting your examples to your ideas as directly as you can, with the emphasis on explaining how certain evidence demonstrates your point.

3) Vary your sentence structures, and try to avoid taking your body paragraph topic sentences and just listing or rewording them in the intro, B.P. concluding sentences, and conclusion.

Very good effort overall :)

Feedback for MemeKing
Rediscovery -Rediscovering Hurley’s Artworks in order gain a more appreciative and heightened meaning.

Nasht’s cinema verite of Hurley traces the mutability of his artworks to persuade an audience to reassess and appreciate the historical truth of his manipulations word check - the other vocab in this sentence is great, but calling his artworks 'manipulations' sounds a bit odd. 'Oeuvre' is always nice if you don't mind sounding like a pretentious Frenchman :P  Nasht configures Hurley in ‘Frank Hurley’ to serve as a consistent reminder to the audience of his transience through the initial montage of Hurley’s images in accompany with accompanied by dramatic noble word check; music can't really be 'noble' music.  This attempts to it sounds a bit odd to say this when the focus of the last sentence is the montage and dramatic music. I know it seems like a minor quibble, but music can't 'attempt to' do something; you want to make the author/director your focus here using a phrase like 'This forms part of Nasht's attempts to...' or 'To this end, Nasht seeks to...' immortalize the otherwise ephemeral significance of Hurley’s artworks in order to convey to an audience a sense of Hurley’s “remarkable photography” and to view Hurley in a different perspective. This sentence is getting a bit long; don't overuse the 'and...' structure as it makes it seem like you're writing run-on sentences.  In an attempt to prevent the decay of Hurley’s legacy, Nasht attempts to justify Hurley’s otherwise immoral representation of reality in a purist society by employing a series of quadtiptyches quadtiptyches of what, exactly? You need more information about your evidence here.  This is cultivated in order to contest the inevitable subjectivity of the historical truth How do you know? In what way does the evidence you just mentioned contribute to this idea? I'm not seeing a connection, and your priority should be to make that link between examples and ideas really clear behind Hurley’s images and presents an arbitrary word check; 'arbitrary' means unimportant or random, as in, 'my school has some arbitrary rules about uniform, like the fact that ties have to be exactly 33.7cm long' :P I'm not sure what you're intending in this case audience the rationale behind Hurley’s manipulations.  Furthermore, Nasht’s embellishment of Hurley coincides with the postmodern pluralist disposition of “a world searching for heroes” and furnishes a now accepting society the ability to question historical truth. Nice sentence, but it doesn't really gel with what you're saying here. The previous sentence was about Hurley's intentions, and now you're talking about 'postmodern pluralist disposition' without clarifying what that means or how it's conveyed in his work. Basically, it's not enough to say 'the author does X which is indicative of Y' - you have to explain how you got from one point to the next, and if I were an assessor, I couldn't give you credit for this sentence because you hadn't substantiated your point with such an explanation. This is displayed further through Nasht’s portrayal of the cyclical nature of the auction house in accompany with “The Polar Sale” that ultimately commemorates the appreciation and value of Hurley’s artwork once a societies’ rationale transcends pre-existing paradigms. This is better, there's a bit more 'spelling out' here; try to do this with your evidence more often. Ultimately in ‘Frank Hurley’, Nasht conveys to an audience that through discovering a more justified approach to questioning historical truth was this what your paragraph had been building towards? Your evidence doesn't seem to be supporting this idea; what is the 'historical truth' being questioned and how is Nasht questioning it? can a more appreciative stance on historical truth be gained.

Self-Discovery – Discovering Hurley’s inability to sustain his ‘showman’ facade and thus attempts to perpetuate the creation of himself as a myth
Upon reassessing one’s inability to sustain one’s desired facade, man attempts to perpetuate their own fallacy in an attempt to succour their desired self-image.  Hurley’s incapability to support the perpetuation of his legacy is highlighted through Nasht’s depiction of Hurley’s life as a personified “story” embellishing “many stories” but his “own” I haven't seen the film but I'm assuming you either mean a) that the story embellishes other stories, but does not embellish his own, or b) that the story embellishes other stories, but is still, nevertheless, his own story (-this second one seems more likely, but I'm not sure).  This suggests that Hurley tried consistently to portray himself as his own myth, however, could not sustain his depiction and ultimately resorted to associating word check; 'obfuscating' might work here, depending on what you're trying to say himself with other stories.  However, in “Frank Hurley”, Nasht engages in demonstrating to an audience this is a fairly clunky phrase, and it feels like you're taking six words to say what could easily be summarised in one, good, punchy verb like 'celebrates' 'critiques' 'vilifies' 'extols' etc. Hurley’s self-discovery that ultimately provokes him to undergo inherent transformation that eventually leads to the creation of a myth that perpetuates Hurley’s decide self-image this sentence is getting a bit run-on-ish as well; as soon as you're using the same structure or conjunction multiple times in a row (eg. 'and... and...' or 'that... that...') it becomes a little laboured, so watch out for that. <Linking word here would be good>Nasht’s attempts to symbolise Hurley’s desired legacy is should be 'are' because we're talking about plural 'attempts' demonstrated through constant mythological symbolisms to “the hero’s journey”. expression is a bit clunky, perhaps 'the mythological symbolism of "the hero's journey".'  Nasht engages in this narration what narration? Evidence? in order to portray Hurley’s inherent desire to perpetuate himself to a purist audience of his own mythological fallacy.  His inability to perpetuate repetition his desired facade renders him “exhausted by the struggle”, however, Hurley’s ambition towards self-fulfilment is highlighted through Nasht’s placement of the final voiceover of Hurley’s diaries stating, “If I could live my life again, I’d do it all exactly the same”.  This final voiceover in conjunction with images of Hurley with a camera is ultimately placed by Nasht in order to immortalize Hurley’s fallacy as a “grand illusionist”.  Ultimately, Nasht demonstrates Hurley’s ability to reassess him who? and undergo a process that effectively allows Hurley to sustain and perpetuate his desired self-image. Good use of evidence, and nice para conclusion here :)
Very interesting discussion with some really complex ideas at play here, but you need to be careful not to let good words get in the way of great ideas, so to speak. There were times where your arguments were a little unclear of confusing, and your vocabulary is kind of exacerbating that issue rather than masking it.

In English, vocab is like an amplifier. If you're doing things well (like by spelling out your evidence and building up relevant ideas) then your vocabulary will usually magnify that good stuff and make it even better. But if there are problems with your understanding with the text (which doesn't seem to be an issue for you) or with the clarity of your ideas (- more pertinent, in this case -) then repetitious sentence structures or out-of-place words can draw attention to those concerns.

As such, I'd recommend prioritising clarity, even if it's at the expense of sophistication. It doesn't seem like you'll have any problem transforming your ideas into complex, well-worded sentences once you've sorted them out, but it's that sorting out that needs to happen first! Otherwise, it's like you're adding icing and cake decorations to a cake that hasn't been baked yet :P

I'm also a little bit confused as to the structure of your 'essay.' Maybe it's because I'm just a humble VCE-er and I don't know how your school operates, but unless this was a kind of short answer response, it seems very odd that you wouldn't be required to have a formal introduction and conclusion with three to five body paragraphs, as I know that's what the end-of-year standard tends to be. Perhaps this was a different exercise, but if you were asked to write an essay and you instead wrote two somewhat disconnected paragraphs that conveyed your ideas, that might've contributed to you're not doing too well in the last assessment.

Having said that, the structure of those paragraphs was really good; you've got the abstract unpacking of your ideas at the start, and the zoomed out summative sentences at the end, which gives things a nice, compact, and most importantly precise focus. The only thing that needs work in that regard is your linking between evidence and ideas. I've written about this quite a bit in previous essay comments, so perhaps go back and read those if you need further clarification, but in short, you need to explain how the evidence you're using supports your points. Sometimes you can get away with not doing this (i.e. not every sentence of your body paragraph has to be an incredibly detailed, lengthy discussion of why X demonstrates Y,) but it is a surefire way to impress the assessor and boost you into higher territory.

I'd also say you'd need more evidence in order to make your ideas that much stronger. Your use of quotes and metalanguage were solid, but you just need to do it more often. Both paragraphs here had one moment towards the end of really excellent analysis, and you want to be replicating that kind of quality three or four times per paragraph.

Things to work on:

1) Ensure you can explore the connections between evidence and argument as clearly as possible, and that your expression doesn't get in the way of this.

2) Keep experimenting with vocab and using new words, as this is the only way to truly acquire a better vocabulary, but look up definitions and synonyms if you're unsure, as you have the opportunity to use such resources now even though you won't in assessment tasks. I know I've isolated a couple of word checks, but honestly, I'd rather you made a hundred mistakes now and learned from each of them than made none at all and never developed your arsenal, so keep that up because your vocabulary is clearly well-developed and will be a huge strength this year if you can iron out the little things.

3) Make sure you have a substantial basis of evidence for making your claims. This goes both for the small level sentence-by-sentence assertions in that if you don't back up 90% of what you say, it's very hard to attain marks, but also on the broader paragraph-by-paragraph level in that you need breadth as well as depth. Some students like to aim for an arbitrary number of quotes per paragraph (which can work well, but also might get in the way of good analysis, so its up to you) but 'd recommend at least forcing yourself to impose a window of, say, between 8-14 quotes that you have to use, even if some are only quick, one word ones. It'll depend on the length of your paragraphs, but it will give you a clear goal to work towards, as well as some idea of whether you're over/underestimating the amount of proof you have.

Hope that helps; all the best with it!

Feedback for lauren7366
Stories of our past help us discover who we are in the present.
To what extent does this confirm your understanding that discoveries can be reassessed over time?


Discoveries can be a process of reassessment, which are catalyzed due to change of circumstance and reflection of on one's (apostrophe for possession) past mistakes. As a result of these confronting and provocative discoveries, enlightenment is reached in the reformation of our morals, encouraging humanist values such as forgiveness and love. V. good opening. William Shakespeare’s pastoral comedy, “The Tempest” written in 1610, and the film, “The count of Monte Cristo,” directed by Kevin Reynolds, both exemplify the corrupt desire for vengeance that allows for a renewed perception of world view once it is realized to be deceitful. I get the underlying idea here, but the sentence structure is a tad muddled; I'll dissect this in the end comments. This realization comes through reflection of the past in order to progress in future endeavors. Final sentence feels a little short and stilted, and it seems like there are some other facets to your argument that could be fleshed out here to add to this, but an otherwise good intro :)

The Tempest follows the reformation of an individual's (apostrophe) absolute control and power, which are transformed into benevolent traits such as internal judgment and empathetic characteristics that would thrive within utopian governance. This is achieved by self acceptance of past faults providing a renewed perception of compassion and forgiveness; notions that are the fundamentals of humanism. When remarking to Miranda the “foul play”, that they were “heaved thence,” Prospero highlights the corrupt society in which he ruled, where he himself “neglect[ed] worldly ends, all dedicated to the closeness and the bettering of [his] mind,” but also the world in which he was betrayed by “ a brother […] so perfidious.” Quote integration is perfect, but be careful not to bombard your reader with too much evidence at once. In the next sentence you state that Shakespeare utilises this but it took me a second read-through to work out what 'this' was because of just how much you'd mentioned here. It might be better to scatter your evidence across a few sentences so you can analyse things independently, then combine them for the big 'Therefore Shakespeare implies...' moment at the end. Shakespeare utilizes this as a microcosm for the power lust that humanity exemplifies in positions of authority; knowledge prized over our collective morality and familiar bonds. The 1600’s imperialistic context of control and influence over the majority, no comma needed here is prevalent within Prospero’s need to manipulate native Caliban and Ariel’s servitude for personalized advantage. V. good. This is showcased using the disruption of natural order, the tempest itself, symbolizing the brazen attitude that Prospero subjects’ no apostrophe needed here others to; shouldn't be a semicolon here either. A comma would suffice, though even that's optional as a result of his ultimate thirst for revenge that dominates all cognitive deliberation. <Linking word? (eg. 'Therefore...' 'Consequently...')>Audiences grapple with Prospero’s shortcomings to understand that life manipulates the circumstances that we oversee, however it is how we confront these circumstances that determines our future success. Good point, and I absolutely love that you're taking this a step further with your 'however...' statement. However (:P) you need to ensure that your final statement is still supported by the content of your paragraph. Here, you've justified the notion of life manipulating circumstances, but you haven't really tacked the idea of confronting said circumstances. Just be careful with these assertions, as some teachers will still give you credit for this whereas others will see it as moving too far beyond the scope of your previous discussion.

Individuals in powerful positions often have to experience unprompted failure in order to reassess corrupt core values and furthermore access personalized freedom and amend flawed leadership qualities. It is through Prospero’s relationship with spirit Ariel, that access to worldly insight is obtained; shouldn't be a semicolon here - see end comments re: punctuation from self absorption into acceptance of the altruistic experiences in life, taking from this a renewed optimism for the future. Prospero’s individual values of hatred hatred of what, exactly? There's an opportunity for more description here, or perhaps even evidence are challenged by Ariel’s perspective of tenderness and wisdom in the face of choice, “that if you now beheld them, your affections would become tender.” This is then furthered by the acknowledgment of the humanistic characteristics that Prospero should adhere to by reason because of his biological makeup, “mine would sir, if I were human.” this quote isn't integrated as well as all your others. From this, audiences are reminded of the humanity we are answerable word check. This doesn't really fit here to exhibit in order to thrive as a society, however Prospero also learns that his corruption is what erodes humanism's core belief; if we cannot have faith in the people, a strong fundament(???) of politics cannot be developed. We also see this realised in alliteration, “rarer act is in virtue than in vengeance”, symbolising the discovery of human connection and that kindness prevails over the corrupt quest of power. Yes, but how does that alliterative language symbolise that notion of discovery? Remember to spell out your evidence. Also, the ends of your paragraphs should be for zooming out, which you have done in the second half of this sentence, but bringing up new evidence here is a little risky, so try and cover that earlier to grant yourself time enough to talk about big ideas here.

Prospero’s epiphany similarly coincides with Edmond Dante’s experience whereby his integral belief in vengeance is challenged by Abbe Farria (priest) put this information into your sentence grammatically; don't just stick it in brackets and the revelation of a biological son, leading to a rewarding sense of love and peace from one’s if you're talking about specific characters, then you don't have to use the generalisable 'one'. That's just for the broader statements about discovery as a whole inner demons. Chief prosecutor Ville fort; no semicolon one who originally deceives Edmond into expression - you can't 'deceive someone into something' imprisonment, foreshadows the enlightenment that Edmond is to experience at the end of the film, “perhaps some good will come out of this treasonous affair” this isn't integrated. Audiences rather than making 'Audiences' the focus of your sentence, use 'The author + verbs' (see examples here if needed) understand this enlightenment to be that he discovers the intrinsic value of knowledge to be a tool, see end comments providing the wisdom to forgive even in the face of ultimate choice. The unpredictable discovery of his biological son, through exclamatory language accompanied by directed close up, “Albert, you are the son of Edmond Dantes. The man you know as the Count of Monte Cristo,” allows Edmond to reassess the importance of a personal vendetta when presented with opportunity to rebuild love ; a founding characteristic that is vital in order to further one’s humanism.
Okay, this para conclusion is quite close to the prompt, but the linking could be clearer. See below for fuller explanation of this.
Awesome structure, and some decent analysis to back it up, but I'm a little concerned about the relevance of this to the prompt. More specifically, I can see the relevance, but if I'm the assessor, I shouldn't be the one having to think 'how does this relate to the idea of past stories resulting in discoveries about present identities?' -- YOU'VE got to make those connections really explicit, and the less thinking your assessors have to do, the better.

Across your whole body paragraphs, you don't use the words 'past' or 'present' more than once, and they really need to be the central pivots of your discussion in this case.That's not to say you have to overuse the words to the point of repetition, but they should be employed fairly regularly to ensure that the assessors know what links you're trying to make.

Aside from that, the bulk of your discussion was pretty good. You could use a little bit more fluidity between your ideas in order to connect them, but the way you build your argument is on point - you just need to direct it in the right way by ensuring the links to the prompt are really overt.

There were also a few sentence structure issues like with:
"[The two texts] both exemplify the corrupt desire for vengeance that allows for a renewed perception of world view once it is realized to be deceitful."
or
"Audiences understand this enlightenment to be that he discovers the intrinsic value of knowledge to be a tool."
These problems seem to arise when you're using the passive construction, which is where instead of saying 'He discovers X to be Y' you say something like 'X is discovered by him to be Y.' It's perfectly valid, but can, in some contexts, sound a little clunky, especially if overused. I won't go into dissecting these sentences in too much detail, but suffice it to say that you're using passive constructions as well other complex grammatical features that are adding too many layers to your sentence to the point where it's obfuscating clarity. Take the second example - I could easily transform this into: 'Thus the author suggests that his understanding of knowledge to be an intrinsically valuable tool is an important enlightenment...' and it's much more direct.

So from here on in:

1) Keep up the great work with spelling out your evidence, but try and distribute this evidence roughly evenly across your body paragraphs, ensuring that you integrate the quotes when you do. Think of it like jam on toast. Technically, if you just lump a spoonful of jam on the corner of the bread, you've gotten the right amount of jam, but if you don't spread and dispense it properly, you're in for an unsatisfying breakfast experience.

2) RELEVANCE RELEVANCE RELEVANCE! I can see that you know how your ideas connect to the prompt, but I can't give you credit for what I'm straining to see, so bring those links to the surface and reinforce them in your topic sentences and paragraph conclusions.

3) Work on finding some complex connections between your two texts; I know you noted that you hadn't discussed your related text in too much detail just yet, but it really is essential later down the track. For now, don't worry about doing this in an essay format and just work with the ideas themselves. Maybe collate a bunch of points for each, assign them all numbers or colours, and just create a visual display of how they might relate together. There'll likely be some points that don't have direct parallels or contrasts in the other text, but that's fine too. Not every point will have to be compared, though you will need a substantial amount, and it'll help you feel much more prepared for future assessment.

4) Watch out for your sentence structures, and stop yourself occasionally to ask 'is there a better, simpler way I could put this?' If in doubt, simplify, and just prioritise getting your point across clearly and unambiguously.

5) Careful with punctuation! It's a tiny thing, and some of these might just have been typos, but it irks assessors, and it's usually a very easy fix. In my experience, students can go from not knowing what a semicolon even looks like, to using them confidently in under an hour. Just look up some explanations and sample sentences online, and you should be fine with it :)

Feedback for foodmood16
'Discoveries can be transformative and/or far-reaching for an individual'

The emotional, intellectual and physical discoveries can act as the foundations for an individual what do you mean by this? Foundations for what? Their identity? Their lives? Their sense of self? I know the prompt is quite broad, but your answer should be specific! and can have a transformative effect on their awareness of human experiences and the wider world. The discoveries can be carefully planned, so much that the composer word check - 'composer' is usually used to refer to authors of musical pieces, and even then only really for classical pieces (e.g. Mozart) can place an individual in unauthentic ??? situations, even without their knowledge. In the 2011 documentary series ‘Go Back To Where You Came From’, the participants are taken on the migrant journey in reverse and the experiences of Adam Hartup and Darren Hassan show many emotional ramifications that are impacted by their awareness of the influence of the media on this political issue. The producers have seemingly composed many of the experiences to exaggerate the extent of their discoveries, this feels a bit like you're evaluating the show, saying that they exaggerated things or made them up in order to get their point across, and this isn't really your job in this piece. Try to reserve judgement and just comment on the meaning being created making the responders question the far-reaching impact of the emotional responses of the participants. Similarly, in the 1963 poem ‘Mid-Term Break’ by Seamus Heaney explores the transformative careful with sentence structure - read this again and you'll likely see the issue ('in the poem by the author explores...') discoveries of his own childhood, having lost an infant in a traumatic accident. He focuses on how this impacted the people around the protagonist, as well as the reader. He uses carefully planned literary techniques in order to provoke an emotional response from the reader. Of course he does! That's what poets do. Sentences like these, accurate though they may be, are often not given much credence because they're too generic. It'd be like saying 'The author of this novel has explored a vast array of complex and multifaceted ideas through the use of complex literary devices and structural features.' Sounds nice, but I've said nothing in that sentence other than 'there are things in this novel that are explored in a novel-y way' :P Both texts explore how discoveries can be influenced by the composer by making the audience As much as I like that you're focusing on both the characters and the audience, you seem to be dodging the prompt a little bit. Your task is not to comment on how the texts might manipulate the audience to help them discover things, but instead to examine how the authors/creators present the idea of discoveries being transformative for those in the texts (i.e. the people on 'Go Back' and the speakers/personas in the poetry.)  and protagonist aware or unaware of these influences. This seems like an odd, slightly fence-sitting statement - the author either makes them aware or unaware - is there not something more definitive you could say other than 'it's either one or the other?'

The foundations of transformative discoveries can be affected by the authorial presence and careful planning of a reality TV series, and ultimately the participants are unaware of this presence You're zooming into the text too quickly here. Try and make a broader statement about discovery and your sub-argument first, and then bring up the idea of authority, reality tv, and the show itself. It's like if you said 'The nature of complicated discoveries is often caused by Adam when he says "..." ' - you can't go from a zoomed-out comment on something abstract all the way into the text too soon, or it's jarring for your reader. During Episode 2 of ‘Go Back To Where You Came From’, the participants take part in a police raid on a construction site. On the ride to the site, Adam comments, “if it’s the Chins haven't seen this particular episode, but what does this mean? Why is this quote significant? I’ll lose my shit… I won’t be able to handle it.” The non-diegetic music builds into a suspenseful tone adds to the suspense and the camera shows Adam in a close-up shot. This shows Adam’s unawareness of how his reaction to this confronting event can be manipulated by the producers. How does it show this?? The emphatic language what language? Are you talking about the quote from three sentences ago? What language in particular was emphatic? And what was it emphasising? shows the growing attachment and understanding Adam has developed through the emotional discoveries. Throughout the raid, Adam doesn’t say much, but his body language expresses his confusion and confrontation Firstly, how does his body language show this? What does 'expressing confusion' look like in this context? BE SPECIFIC! Secondly, if you reverse the order of these two words, you'll see that confrontation doesn't really belolng here: 'his body language expresses his confrontation and confusion' - see how 'his confrontation' sounds a little odd?, unaware of how to act in retaliation to the site of arrested refugees. As new discoveries are made, it becomes clear to the participants and audience how an authorial presence can shape material into their preferred ideal. So are you arguing that Adam wasn't actually discovering anything and that the show's creators were just 'shaping the material?' I'm a bit confused as to what you're trying to argue here - you start by saying 'As discoveries are made...' but what discovery are you talking about? That should be your focus here, not the notion of 'authorial presence.'

For the reader, transformative discoveries and their foundations are affected by the author of a text through their careful use of literary techniques, with which allows the reader to emotionally respond to the text you're still zooming in a bit too quickly here. Focus on discovery and the prompt for at least a sentence before you do this. In the poem, ‘Mid-Term Break’, many techniques are used to convey the story of the death of an infant, although the reader doesn’t discover this until the end of the journey. The title itself “Mid-Term Break”” leads the responder to think the poem is about a happy event of the end of the school year, making them unaware of the poignant and traumatic story that lay ahead. It is the end of the first stanza that the reader suspects that something unusual is about to occur, though still oblivious to the traumatic event. “At two o’clock our neighbours drove me home.” This unusual event of the neighbours taking the protagonist home allows the reader to prepare themselves for the death of the four-year-old boy this is a bit of a leap :/ The step-by-step logic of your discussion is excellent, but this one is quite a stretch - the neighbours drive a kid home, which prepares readers for the death of a 4 year old?, building the morbid mood. They are still unaware of the emotional consequences of the death. You're resting this whole paragraph on one point, which is quite risky. What about all those 'many techniques' you talked about earlier? You could use a bit more evidence in this paragraph. Far-reaching discoveries can be impacted by the author’s manipulation of words examples? to lead to greater the impact of the responder’s emotional and what emotions would these be, exactly? What kind of response is being evoked? And most importantly, how is this transformative and/or far-reaching? response.

As new understandings and perceptions develop from discoveries, it becomes clear how constructed the media is in order to portray a particular side of a story. The producers of ‘Go Back To Where You Came From’ have aimed to emphasise their pro-humanitarian motivation to provoke an empathetic response by the audience again, I feel like you should be focusing on the nature of the people in the show's discoveries about the world and the suffering of refugees, rather than subtly criticising the show and saying that they're manipulating the facts for their own agenda or anything like that. At the end of Episode 1, the participants are placed on refugee boat, and are forced to travel into the open sea without knowledge of their destination. After experiencing this unauthentic how is it 'unauthentic?' Surely this is one of the most realistic moments since when refugees seek asylum, the process of travelling is often risky and uncertain, especially if they're paying some dodgy people smuggler - they have no way of knowing for sure where they'll end up either situation, the live camera captures Darren, the most opposed to boat people, express his concerns that the media is “…emotionally involving us without our consent.” The collective terms used in his language shows that he is talking not only about himself, but the Australian public. Darren’s body language and tone describe these in more detail - what is it about these things that betray his agitation also shows his agitation by the experience, and shows his awareness of how the program has constructed these ‘transformative’ experiences in order to provoke an emotional response by the participants. He also explains that the media wants “you should feel bad, you should feel empathy.” Darren is placed in a mid-shot, and uses high modality language why is this important? How does it highlight antything? to highlight his feeling of manipulation by the media. The awareness of constructed discoveries that an individual may undertake can therefore influence their shift in perceptions, or even affirm their previous understandings. Good, but you need to focus more on Darren. What happens to him throughout the show, for instance? Does he change his mind, or is he completely cynical about the emotional manipulation that he thinks is taking place? Do his perceptions shift at all?

The new understandings and renewed perceptions that derive from the foundations of discoveries are impacted by the author’s choice of form and stylistic elements of their writing. In the poem ‘Mid-Term Break’, Heaney explores the parents' apostrophe after the s if it's plural and possessive reactions to the death of the infant, before the protagonist’s is discovered. In stanza 2, the father’s reaction is distinguished word check. “… I met my father crying…always taken funerals in his stride…” This quote isn't integrated at all; try and fit this into one of your sentences. In the 1950’s, the thought of a man crying was against the society’s stereotypical man, and the use of this emphasises the lasting impact of the death of a loved one, especially an infant.  The mother’s reaction to this terrible news is expressed in stanza 5. “…coughed out angry tearless sighs.” see above The silence of “tearless sighs” accentuates the idea of the reverence of death. At this stage, it is still unclear to the audience of who is dead, though the characters portrayed have already discovered this.<-- I'm not seeing the link between that previous statement and this one --> The awareness of the characters show how discoveries build to the transformative foundations of the audience and their new understandings. What discovery? What transformation? What foundations? What new understanding?

In conclusion, both the SBS documentary series ‘Go Back To Where You Came From’ and the poem ‘Mid-Term Break’ explore how the audience and participants are aware or unaware of how the composer influences the discoveries they make. This conclusion is a bit of a weak spot as you're just restating a line from your introduction without much development. You could do a lot more here in terms of linking this to the prompt and saying something about the nature of discovery overall, which should ultimately be your focus here.
I think there are some inconsistencies with your approach in this piece, because there were sections where your analysis was highly accurate and impressive, but others where you seemed to veer off course and talk about the manipulation of authors, particularly in your paragraphs dealing with 'Go Back.' Perhaps it was just a one-time issue that came about because of the breadth of the prompt, but you need to ensure your sub-arguments are always on track.

If you're talking about discoveries being transformative and far-reaching, then that's the concept you should be exploring in the text. Don't think about how the author might be 'faking' these ideas, or whether the audience are the ones making the discoveries - you have to analyse what the author does and explain how textual evidence supports those points.

In other words 'what does this show tell us about discovery?' Or, more applicably for this essay 'How does 'Go Back' + Heaney's poem show us that discovery can be transformative and far-reaching?' THAT'S the question that needs answering here.

Which leads me on to my next point - you don't really ever explain what 'transformative' means, and you hardly touch on the whole 'far-reaching' thing at all. Those key words in the prompt should be the crux of your piece, and you need to prioritise these.

Your essay structure was pretty good, though the starts and ends of your paragraphs could use a bit of tightening up. Your topic sentences were a little bit too specific to the texts, and I think you'd benefit from a more abstract point to start off with before then linking this idea to whichever text you wanted to look at. Also, (and again, there's more advice on this in previous feedback posts) there isn't much of a link between your two texts because you're only ever looking at them in isolation. Thus, instead of going for one alternative paragraphs on each, you could instead try:

Paragraph 1: 75% focus on 'Go Back' + 25% on a related idea in Heaney.
Paragraph 2: 50% on 'Go Back' + 50% on a related idea in Heaney
Paragraph 3: 75% on Heaney + 25% on a related idea in 'Go Back'

or something like that. Basically, find a concept like 'discovering new things can transform us for the better,' and link that to one of the texts. For instance, some of the participants in 'Go Back' gained a more enlightened and more informed view of the refugee experience, resulting in a more empathetic stance on related political issues. Then, we can connect this to the second text by either finding a point of similarity or difference. If I wanted to find a point of difference here, then I might say that in Heaney's poem, the parents discover something that will inevitably change their lives, and have overtly negative ramifications on their relationship and their mental state. Thus (getting to the end of the paragraph now) we can conclude that although certain discoveries can be very advantageous for one's psyche, they can also involve a great deal of suffering.

Then you move on to the next idea, finding points of similarity and difference as you go.

In short:

1) Know what the task is asking of you, and keep that in mind while writing. If it helps, write out a series of questions that you need to answer per paragraph so that if you ever do lose focus or forget where you're going, you've got that framework there as a reference point.

2) Forge links between your set texts so that you're able to use both of them in order to say something about discovery. It's kind of like your goal is to paint something purple, and you have a tine of blue paint and a tin of red paint. At the moment, you've painted half the thing blue and half the thing red... so your approach is theoretically good and you're using the right materials, but ultimately it's not going to result in the purple that we're after. Only by combining your ideas through comparison and contrast can you get that desired effect.

3) Make sure the first and last line of your body paragraphs are just about discovery, not about the texts. This isn't a hard-and-fast rule, and if you read some of the other essays in this thread, you'll likely notice they can disobey this but still do things well. For now though, if you can impose that restriction on yourself, you'll be able to better adjust to the zooming in and out process that's necessary for success.

4) Give yourself enough ammunition throughout your essay so that by the time you get to your conclusion, you're confident enough to shoot your target. If you haven't build up a good range of sub-arguments, it can be very difficult to do all that work in the final few sentences, so each time you conclude a paragraph, take things back to the prompt and question how what you've been discussing pertains to the prompt's focus. Then, answer that question directly and unambiguously so that the assessors will have no choice but to give you marks for relevance.

5) Sentence structure and vocab are mostly good, though there are a few instances where your word choices let you down a bit. As I've said before though, the more risks you take now means the more opportunities you have to correct your mistakes, so keep experimenting with expression in order to further enhance your writing.

Best of luck!
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: brenden on January 30, 2016, 02:12:59 pm
Comments below; let me know if you guys have any questions! :)

Feedback for ssarahj
Really good stuff here! You seem to have the underlying structure well under control, and the clarity of your expressions was pretty much flawless.

There's some improvement to be made with regards to 'spelling out' your evidence and ensuring the assessors can get from A (your quotes and textual examples) to B (your overall ideas).

Taking this excerpt from your first paragraph:
"She describes her pain as being, “everywhere, isn’t it? In the air we breathe”, in which Gow uses a rhetorical question and a metaphor to demonstrate the all-consuming and hopeless nature of her grief."
and breaking this down into its essential bits, we have:
- the quote: "[pain is] everywhere, isn't it? In the air we breathe"
- the devices: (rhetorical question & metaphor)
- the meaning: Coral's grief is all-consuming and hopeless
but how are these pieced together? You state that there is a connection (and there totally is!) but if you were to make this explicit, your assertion would be a lot stronger. So, in this case, how do you know her grief is all-consuming and hopeless? How does that quote demonstrate your point?
See this for a possible answer
If we're to focus on the metaphor part of the quote, we've got to try and get from "[pain is] in the air we breathe" to the notion of hopelessness and consumption, so what is it about this language that might lead us to this idea? When, the concept of something being "in the air we breathe" implies that it is not only all around us (=all-consuming, or at least ubiquitous) but that it also infiltrates us and becomes a part of the air. Thus, to breathe (and to live) is to experience pain, because it is so ubiquitous an unavoidable. Now we can reasonably conclude that there is an element of saddness and hopelessness in that quote because of this rationale, so your analysis might look something like:
She describes her pain as being "everywhere, isn't it? In the air we breathe" whereby Gow's metaphorical description of pain being such an omnipresent and inescapable force serves to demonstrate the all-consuming and hopeless nature of Coral's grief.
It may seem like a small change, but that one tiny step of 'showing your workings' can be very advantageous in showcasing your knowledge of the text and ability to extract ideas from it.
Also, and I believe I may have mentioned this in a previous bit of essay feedback but just in case: you want your paragraphs to build on one another. If I were to change the order around and read your 3rd para first and your second one last or w/e, it should seem weird! You don't want your essay to be an assortment of random mini-discussions that go off on their different tangents without linking together; instead, you want it to be like a pyramid with each brick aiding you in reaching that high point of your thesis statement in response to the prompt. You still have to have separate paragraphs, of course, but you should see them as a series of stepping stones to get you to an overall point, rather than being like... I don't know... flower petals that just stem out from the centre but don't combine help you get anywhere with your arguments.

Beyond that, some greater variation in sentence structure and vocabulary would also help you bolster your piece, especially when it comes to the conclusion. You always want to end with impact, as this is where the mark is decided, so to restate your points and only use sentences that have basically already been used earlier is to tell the assessor you don't have anything better to say, meaning that if they're hovering between a 7/10 and an 8/10, a mediocre conclusion might be what tips the balance to a 7 rather than an 8.

Also, and this might be a matter of some contention depending on your teacher, but I'd say it'd be great to have a paragraph (or multiple paragraphs, ideally) that talk about both of your texts instead of switching between them both. If you are to forge connections between the two, you should really talk about them together. See some of the previous corrections for advice on potential essay structures.

But you're already in the enviable position of basically having all the content right, and just needing to fine tune your presentation of it. So, the stuff you should aim to work on:

1) Have your ideas and sub-arguments build on one another. This is often best practised through essay plans as opposed to full essays, so maybe draw up some rough outlines and give yourself some idea of how things will link together to help develop your thesis statement.

2) Ensure that you're connecting your examples to your ideas as directly as you can, with the emphasis on explaining how certain evidence demonstrates your point.

3) Vary your sentence structures, and try to avoid taking your body paragraph topic sentences and just listing or rewording them in the intro, B.P. concluding sentences, and conclusion.

Very good effort overall :)

Feedback for MemeKing
Very interesting discussion with some really complex ideas at play here, but you need to be careful not to let good words get in the way of great ideas, so to speak. There were times where your arguments were a little unclear of confusing, and your vocabulary is kind of exacerbating that issue rather than masking it.

In English, vocab is like an amplifier. If you're doing things well (like by spelling out your evidence and building up relevant ideas) then your vocabulary will usually magnify that good stuff and make it even better. But if there are problems with your understanding with the text (which doesn't seem to be an issue for you) or with the clarity of your ideas (- more pertinent, in this case -) then repetitious sentence structures or out-of-place words can draw attention to those concerns.

As such, I'd recommend prioritising clarity, even if it's at the expense of sophistication. It doesn't seem like you'll have any problem transforming your ideas into complex, well-worded sentences once you've sorted them out, but it's that sorting out that needs to happen first! Otherwise, it's like you're adding icing and cake decorations to a cake that hasn't been baked yet :P

I'm also a little bit confused as to the structure of your 'essay.' Maybe it's because I'm just a humble VCE-er and I don't know how your school operates, but unless this was a kind of short answer response, it seems very odd that you wouldn't be required to have a formal introduction and conclusion with three to five body paragraphs, as I know that's what the end-of-year standard tends to be. Perhaps this was a different exercise, but if you were asked to write an essay and you instead wrote two somewhat disconnected paragraphs that conveyed your ideas, that might've contributed to you're not doing too well in the last assessment.

Having said that, the structure of those paragraphs was really good; you've got the abstract unpacking of your ideas at the start, and the zoomed out summative sentences at the end, which gives things a nice, compact, and most importantly precise focus. The only thing that needs work in that regard is your linking between evidence and ideas. I've written about this quite a bit in previous essay comments, so perhaps go back and read those if you need further clarification, but in short, you need to explain how the evidence you're using supports your points. Sometimes you can get away with not doing this (i.e. not every sentence of your body paragraph has to be an incredibly detailed, lengthy discussion of why X demonstrates Y,) but it is a surefire way to impress the assessor and boost you into higher territory.

I'd also say you'd need more evidence in order to make your ideas that much stronger. Your use of quotes and metalanguage were solid, but you just need to do it more often. Both paragraphs here had one moment towards the end of really excellent analysis, and you want to be replicating that kind of quality three or four times per paragraph.

Things to work on:

1) Ensure you can explore the connections between evidence and argument as clearly as possible, and that your expression doesn't get in the way of this.

2) Keep experimenting with vocab and using new words, as this is the only way to truly acquire a better vocabulary, but look up definitions and synonyms if you're unsure, as you have the opportunity to use such resources now even though you won't in assessment tasks. I know I've isolated a couple of word checks, but honestly, I'd rather you made a hundred mistakes now and learned from each of them than made none at all and never developed your arsenal, so keep that up because your vocabulary is clearly well-developed and will be a huge strength this year if you can iron out the little things.

3) Make sure you have a substantial basis of evidence for making your claims. This goes both for the small level sentence-by-sentence assertions in that if you don't back up 90% of what you say, it's very hard to attain marks, but also on the broader paragraph-by-paragraph level in that you need breadth as well as depth. Some students like to aim for an arbitrary number of quotes per paragraph (which can work well, but also might get in the way of good analysis, so its up to you) but 'd recommend at least forcing yourself to impose a window of, say, between 8-14 quotes that you have to use, even if some are only quick, one word ones. It'll depend on the length of your paragraphs, but it will give you a clear goal to work towards, as well as some idea of whether you're over/underestimating the amount of proof you have.

Hope that helps; all the best with it!

Feedback for lauren7366
Awesome structure, and some decent analysis to back it up, but I'm a little concerned about the relevance of this to the prompt. More specifically, I can see the relevance, but if I'm the assessor, I shouldn't be the one having to think 'how does this relate to the idea of past stories resulting in discoveries about present identities?' -- YOU'VE got to make those connections really explicit, and the less thinking your assessors have to do, the better.

Across your whole body paragraphs, you don't use the words 'past' or 'present' more than once, and they really need to be the central pivots of your discussion in this case.That's not to say you have to overuse the words to the point of repetition, but they should be employed fairly regularly to ensure that the assessors know what links you're trying to make.

Aside from that, the bulk of your discussion was pretty good. You could use a little bit more fluidity between your ideas in order to connect them, but the way you build your argument is on point - you just need to direct it in the right way by ensuring the links to the prompt are really overt.

There were also a few sentence structure issues like with:
"[The two texts] both exemplify the corrupt desire for vengeance that allows for a renewed perception of world view once it is realized to be deceitful."
or
"Audiences understand this enlightenment to be that he discovers the intrinsic value of knowledge to be a tool."
These problems seem to arise when you're using the passive construction, which is where instead of saying 'He discovers X to be Y' you say something like 'X is discovered by him to be Y.' It's perfectly valid, but can, in some contexts, sound a little clunky, especially if overused. I won't go into dissecting these sentences in too much detail, but suffice it to say that you're using passive constructions as well other complex grammatical features that are adding too many layers to your sentence to the point where it's obfuscating clarity. Take the second example - I could easily transform this into: 'Thus the author suggests that his understanding of knowledge to be an intrinsically valuable tool is an important enlightenment...' and it's much more direct.

So from here on in:

1) Keep up the great work with spelling out your evidence, but try and distribute this evidence roughly evenly across your body paragraphs, ensuring that you integrate the quotes when you do. Think of it like jam on toast. Technically, if you just lump a spoonful of jam on the corner of the bread, you've gotten the right amount of jam, but if you don't spread and dispense it properly, you're in for an unsatisfying breakfast experience.

2) RELEVANCE RELEVANCE RELEVANCE! I can see that you know how your ideas connect to the prompt, but I can't give you credit for what I'm straining to see, so bring those links to the surface and reinforce them in your topic sentences and paragraph conclusions.

3) Work on finding some complex connections between your two texts; I know you noted that you hadn't discussed your related text in too much detail just yet, but it really is essential later down the track. For now, don't worry about doing this in an essay format and just work with the ideas themselves. Maybe collate a bunch of points for each, assign them all numbers or colours, and just create a visual display of how they might relate together. There'll likely be some points that don't have direct parallels or contrasts in the other text, but that's fine too. Not every point will have to be compared, though you will need a substantial amount, and it'll help you feel much more prepared for future assessment.

4) Watch out for your sentence structures, and stop yourself occasionally to ask 'is there a better, simpler way I could put this?' If in doubt, simplify, and just prioritise getting your point across clearly and unambiguously.

5) Careful with punctuation! It's a tiny thing, and some of these might just have been typos, but it irks assessors, and it's usually a very easy fix. In my experience, students can go from not knowing what a semicolon even looks like, to using them confidently in under an hour. Just look up some explanations and sample sentences online, and you should be fine with it :)

Feedback for foodmood16
I think there are some inconsistencies with your approach in this piece, because there were sections where your analysis was highly accurate and impressive, but others where you seemed to veer off course and talk about the manipulation of authors, particularly in your paragraphs dealing with 'Go Back.' Perhaps it was just a one-time issue that came about because of the breadth of the prompt, but you need to ensure your sub-arguments are always on track.

If you're talking about discoveries being transformative and far-reaching, then that's the concept you should be exploring in the text. Don't think about how the author might be 'faking' these ideas, or whether the audience are the ones making the discoveries - you have to analyse what the author does and explain how textual evidence supports those points.

In other words 'what does this show tell us about discovery?' Or, more applicably for this essay 'How does 'Go Back' + Heaney's poem show us that discovery can be transformative and far-reaching?' THAT'S the question that needs answering here.

Which leads me on to my next point - you don't really ever explain what 'transformative' means, and you hardly touch on the whole 'far-reaching' thing at all. Those key words in the prompt should be the crux of your piece, and you need to prioritise these.

Your essay structure was pretty good, though the starts and ends of your paragraphs could use a bit of tightening up. Your topic sentences were a little bit too specific to the texts, and I think you'd benefit from a more abstract point to start off with before then linking this idea to whichever text you wanted to look at. Also, (and again, there's more advice on this in previous feedback posts) there isn't much of a link between your two texts because you're only ever looking at them in isolation. Thus, instead of going for one alternative paragraphs on each, you could instead try:

Paragraph 1: 75% focus on 'Go Back' + 25% on a related idea in Heaney.
Paragraph 2: 50% on 'Go Back' + 50% on a related idea in Heaney
Paragraph 3: 75% on Heaney + 25% on a related idea in 'Go Back'

or something like that. Basically, find a concept like 'discovering new things can transform us for the better,' and link that to one of the texts. For instance, some of the participants in 'Go Back' gained a more enlightened and more informed view of the refugee experience, resulting in a more empathetic stance on related political issues. Then, we can connect this to the second text by either finding a point of similarity or difference. If I wanted to find a point of difference here, then I might say that in Heaney's poem, the parents discover something that will inevitably change their lives, and have overtly negative ramifications on their relationship and their mental state. Thus (getting to the end of the paragraph now) we can conclude that although certain discoveries can be very advantageous for one's psyche, they can also involve a great deal of suffering.

Then you move on to the next idea, finding points of similarity and difference as you go.

In short:

1) Know what the task is asking of you, and keep that in mind while writing. If it helps, write out a series of questions that you need to answer per paragraph so that if you ever do lose focus or forget where you're going, you've got that framework there as a reference point.

2) Forge links between your set texts so that you're able to use both of them in order to say something about discovery. It's kind of like your goal is to paint something purple, and you have a tine of blue paint and a tin of red paint. At the moment, you've painted half the thing blue and half the thing red... so your approach is theoretically good and you're using the right materials, but ultimately it's not going to result in the purple that we're after. Only by combining your ideas through comparison and contrast can you get that desired effect.

3) Make sure the first and last line of your body paragraphs are just about discovery, not about the texts. This isn't a hard-and-fast rule, and if you read some of the other essays in this thread, you'll likely notice they can disobey this but still do things well. For now though, if you can impose that restriction on yourself, you'll be able to better adjust to the zooming in and out process that's necessary for success.

4) Give yourself enough ammunition throughout your essay so that by the time you get to your conclusion, you're confident enough to shoot your target. If you haven't build up a good range of sub-arguments, it can be very difficult to do all that work in the final few sentences, so each time you conclude a paragraph, take things back to the prompt and question how what you've been discussing pertains to the prompt's focus. Then, answer that question directly and unambiguously so that the assessors will have no choice but to give you marks for relevance.

5) Sentence structure and vocab are mostly good, though there are a few instances where your word choices let you down a bit. As I've said before though, the more risks you take now means the more opportunities you have to correct your mistakes, so keep experimenting with expression in order to further enhance your writing.

Best of luck!
You are literally unbelievable.
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: MemeKing on January 31, 2016, 06:12:30 pm
Hey thanks for the feedback, should've mentioned I didn't include my introduction and conclusion!  I tried changing some things up and attached is the intro + both body paragraphs - Thank you!

Discovering the duplicity of truth in art allows for the appreciation of previously lost value and ultimately rekindles the ability to appreciate art through time.  Simon Nasht in Frank Hurley examines that the mutability of art can only appreciated once we discover and accept its dualistic nature.  Similarly, Nasht atones to conveying the human condition that provokes the need to preserve oneself through the catalyst of art.

The questioning of truth leads to an appreciation of value once we discover and accept its dualistic nature.  Nasht attempts to convince a now pluralist society that by accepting the duplicity of Hurley’s artworks can these “elaborate concoctions” be valued more than “outright fakes”.  Nasht initially portrays Hurley as a “conjurer” with a camera and through cinema verite establishes how Hurley “undermined their historical value”.  Nasht does this to critic the epoch of Hurley’s work through their inability to see value in the duplicity of his “manipulations”.  However, Nasht demonstrates the mutability of Hurley’s work through the juxtaposition between Hurley’s photos and their modern recreations once he turned “the battlefield into a canvas of his own making”.  Hurley’s artworks are split-screened by Nasht in order to contrast their similarities in the hopes that their ephemeral existence may be immortalised. The commemoration of Hurley’s artworks in a now pluralist society is now seen through the close-up commentary shot that “today composites would seem commonplace”.  Furthermore, Nasht’s embellishment of Hurley now coincides with the postmodern pluralist disposition of “a world searching for heroes” and furnishes a now accepting society the ability to question historical truth.  Ultimately, Nasht demonstrates that only through the questioning truth and accepting its dualistic nature can a more heightened discovery be formed.

The transcendence of art attempts to immortalize the otherwise ephemeral existence of ones legacy upon discovering their limitations.  In ‘Frank Hurley’, Hurley discovers he cannot perpetuate himself as a myth as he then attempts to immortalize himself through his work.  Hurley “saw a market for exciting adventure films”, and through leaving himself as being a “mere observer,” he attempts to promote himself as a “fearless photographer”.  Nasht’s diegetic sound of Hurley holding spears and skulls attempt to portray Hurley’s “glorious” existence that he attempts to preserve through his photographs.  Nasht furthermore highlights his ambition as although “New York was unimpressed”, the “showman hit upon a new angle”.  Hurley then juxtaposes his earlier work in Papua New Guinea with “the lost tribes of Israel” that “flamed up front page headlines” that ultimately brought attention to Hurley, albeit controversial.   Hurley used this fame and his discovery for “his love for drama” to create films that were intended to immortalize his work.  Although Hurley “made up quite a few stories”, Nasht ultimately edits the shot of the auction house in order to commemorate Hurley’s transcendence past a “mere photographer”.  Ultimately, Nasht portrays Hurley’s attempts towards preserving his legacy through the continual pursuit of his artworks. 

Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: polpark on February 06, 2016, 03:56:28 pm
HI!!
This is my intro and first body to my A.O.S study essay!!
PLEASE give me lots of criticism since English is one of my weak subjects and I need to improve!!!
THANKS FOR MARKING OUR ESSAYS!!!! :D :D

“Discoveries are often evoked by curiosity and wonder, offering up new understanding of ourselves and the world we live in.” Discuss this statement in relation to your prescribed and one other text of your choice.

Regardless of their motivation, discoveries shape and redefine an individual’s identity, successively shifting their previous perspectives of the world and it’s controversial issues. Ivan O’mahoneys’s Go Back To Where You Came From, Suzzane Buffam’s “The New Experience” and J.K Rowling’s The Fringe Benefits of Failure, and the Importance of Imagination exemplifies the process of attaining awareness of what was once misunderstood or concealed. Through utilising techniques unique to their textual medium, the three texts explore various concepts of discovery, facilitating the close analysis of the results of discoveries evoked from varying catalysts.

Go Back To Where You Came From illustrates the transformation of individuals resulting from tangible experiences instigated through extraneous motives. In the introduction, the utilisation of cross-cutting between archival footage of a refugee boat crashing into the shore and the interview of politicians stating “we must stop the boats,” engender sympathy towards the refugees and thereby evokes antagonism toward the hostility of the politicians. The biased editing indicates that the catalyst of the refugee process the six participants embark on was the producers’ external motives to persuade the public’s opinion on the refugee issue. As the six participants proceed through their journey, the development of their physical discovery is portrayed through the scene in which Adam, Glenny and Darren travel through the red-zone. The U.S soldiers assurance of having a “SOP(standard operating procedure) in place to make sure they(bombers) don't get too close,” is capitalised on through the employment of close up shots of nearby vehicles. The close up shots of the vehicles conveys the anxiety and fear of the scene through raising suspicion of a possible bomber. This trepidation is further enhanced by the voiceover of the narrator “only an hour earlier a bomb exploded nearby, killing two civilians”. The participants’ response to this physical confrontation is captured through reaction shots that reveal the apprehension and fear brought by their tangible firsthand experience of the dangers the refugees flee from. Adam Hartup expresses the resultant change he has undergone due to the discovery as he states “I won’t say it’s illegal (entering Australia by boat), its too harsh of a title,” contrasting from his past accusation of refugees to be “criminals.” Adam’s quotes portray his realisation that categorising people who are simply attempting to escape death as murderers and thieves is not appropriate. The portrayal of Adam’s transformation of his perspective on refugees illuminates the effect of discoveries evoked extraneous to themselves.
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: literally lauren on February 07, 2016, 01:34:34 pm
Feedback for MemeKing
Discovering the duplicity of truth in art allows for the appreciation of previously lost value and ultimately rekindles this seems like a bit of an odd word choice since if you're saying it is rekindled, then you're kind of implying that it's something that has been lost (e.g. 'to rekindle the passion in a 20 year marriage' or something) but I'm not sure you'd want to argue that our ability to appreciate art is something that has been lost the ability to appreciate art through time.  Simon Nasht in Frank Hurley examines that Expression. You can 'examine a thing,' but you can't 'examine that a thing is blue.' instead, you could use 'argues' or 'affirms' which can both take 'that' after them in this context the mutability of art can only appreciated once we discover and accept its dualistic nature.  Similarly, Nasht atones word check - 'atone' means 'make amends' or 'seek redemption' (e.g. I want to atone for the sins I committed in my teenage years) to conveying the human condition that provokes the need to preserve oneself through the catalyst this makes grammatical sense, but the meaning doesn't really fit. A catalyst is a spark or a starting point that brings about later results; here you just seem to be talking about the medium of art, rather than its catalytic properties of art.

The questioning of truth leads to an appreciation of value once we discover and accept its dualistic nature starting to repeat this phrase a bit now; it's very similar to some of the lines in your intro. Nasht attempts to convince a now pluralist society that only by accepting the duplicity be careful with this word; duplicity doesn't really mean 'double-ness;' it implies deception and trickery. At times, this fits, but I'm not sure it's accurate in sentences like this of Hurley’s artworks can these “elaborate concoctions” be valued more than “outright fakes”.  Nasht initially portrays Hurley as a “conjurer” with a camera need a comma here and through cinema verite establishes how Hurley “undermined their what are 'they?' historical value”.  Nasht does this to critic 'critique' is the verb, 'critic' is a noun for a person who criticises the epoch word check - epoch only refers to a time period; you can't really say 'the epoch of someone's work.' of Hurley’s work through their inability to see value in the duplicity of his “manipulations”.  However, Nasht demonstrates the mutability of Hurley’s work through the juxtaposition between Hurley’s photos and their modern recreations once he turned “the battlefield into a canvas of his own making”.  Hurley’s artworks are split-screened by Nasht in order to contrast their similarities in the hopes that their ephemeral existence may be immortalised. The commemoration of Hurley’s artworks in a now pluralist be more specific here - what aspects of pluralism are important; you've used this word without properly clarifying what you're talking about society is now seen through the close-up commentary shot that “today composites would seem commonplace”.  Furthermore, Nasht’s embellishment of Hurley now coincides with the postmodern pluralist disposition of “a world searching for heroes” and furnishes a now accepting society the ability to question historical truth.  Ultimately, Nasht demonstrates that only through the questioning truth and accepting its dualistic nature can a more heightened discovery be formed. Good, but be careful not to throw around words like 'pluralist' or 'dualistic' at the expense of discussion. There's some great vocab here, but I feel like you could amp up the close analysis a bit more.

The transcendence of art attempts to immortalize the otherwise ephemeral existence of one's legacy upon discovering their limitations.  In ‘Frank Hurley’ restating the text's name is usually unnecessary after the introduction, Hurley discovers he cannot perpetuate himself as a myth as he then attempts to immortalize synonyms? Just because you used this in the previous sentence, and it seems like the kind of concept that you're going to have to talk about a lot, so having a few alternatives would be useful himself through his work.  Hurley “saw a market for exciting adventure films”, and through leaving himself as being a “mere observer,” he attempts to promote himself as a “fearless photographer”.  Nasht’s diegetic sound of Hurley holding spears and skulls attempt to portray Hurley’s “glorious” existence that he attempts to preserve through his photographs. V good - more of this kind of discussion! Nasht furthermore highlights his ambition as although “New York was unimpressed”, the “showman hit upon a new angle”.  Hurley then juxtaposes his earlier work in Papua New Guinea with “the lost tribes of Israel” that “flamed up front page headlines” that ultimately brought attention to Hurley, albeit controversial. this isn't really grammatical - are you trying to say Hurley was controversial, or that the attention was?  Hurley used this fame and his discovery for “his love for drama” to create films that were intended to immortalize his work.  Although Hurley “made up quite a few stories”, Nasht ultimately edits the shot of the auction house in what way? Describe this visual as though the person reading your piece can't see it - what is important about the editing of this shot? in order to commemorate Hurley’s transcendence past a “mere photographer”.  Ultimately, Nasht portrays what does he do with this portrayal? Do you think Nasht is celebrating Hurley, or vilifying him? 'Portray' is a perfectly accurate word, but it's kind of like saying 'The author says...' or 'The director shows...' in that it's a missed opportunity for a more descriptive word Hurley’s attempts towards preserving his legacy through the continual pursuit of his artworks.

Awesome job! Apologies for my confusion with the intro + body paragraphs + conclusion thing before, but this structure makes a lot more sense now :) The starts and ends of your paragraphs were both good, and you've done a decent amount of exploring the notion of discovery. It might help if you start to consider this on multiple levels (e.g. self-discovery, discoveries about other people, discovering new ideas, discovering things that were once lost, discovering some never-before-seen concept, etc.) just to broaden this explanation, though obviously the prompt will dictate your focus in that regard.

I like that you're not getting too caught up in the narrative and that you're talking more about Nasht's portrayal of Hurley than the specifics of his life, but as hard as it is to analyse documentaries, I think your piece would benefit from a bit more close analysis. The moments where you were picking up on specific filmic and visual techniques were excellent - there just need to be more of those moments!

The only other major issue was with some of your word choices, but again, those are mistakes you want to make, especially at this point of the year, so that you can correct yourself prior to assessment. Unfortunately it's a case of needing to make hundreds of little clarifications and improvements rather than one or two huge, overarching fixes, but hopefully some of the explanations above might help. If you're ever in doubt, look up the definitions, synonyms, and examples of words used in sentences. The definitions will tell you if it means what you think it means, and might alert you to any potential secondary or alternate meanings. Synonyms will help expand your vocabulary, but they also function as good 'replacement markers,' so you'll know when you can substitute in a certain word, and when you can't for grammatical reasons. And if you can find good sample sentences where these words are being used, it'll be much easier for your brain to identify any potential errors.

Really great discussion overall; just make sure you're conducting sufficient exploration of the prompt, and keep an eye on your word choices :)

Feedback for polpark
“Discoveries are often evoked by curiosity and wonder, offering up new understanding of ourselves and the world we live in.” Discuss this statement in relation to your prescribed and one other text of your choice.

Regardless of their motivation, discoveries shape and redefine an individual’s identity, successively do yoy mean 'successfully?' 'Successfully' means 'in a way that is successful/effective,' whereas 'successively' means 'one after another, in order' - like 'I've lost six successive staring contests with my cat' shifting their previous perspectives of the world and it’s controversial issues. Ivan O’mahoneys’s 'Go Back To Where You Came From,' Suzzane Buffam’s 'The New Experience' and J.K Rowling’s 'The Fringe Benefits of Failure, and the Importance of Imagination' awesome choices!! just be careful with your punctuation for the titles; try to put them all in single quotation marks like this^ to be consistent exemplifies should be 'exemplify' because you've got a plural list of things here (i.e. Thing A exemplifies this idea, but Things A, B, and C exemplify it.) the process of attaining awareness of what was once misunderstood or concealed. Through utilising techniques unique to their textual medium, the three texts explore various concepts of discovery, facilitating the close analysis of the results of discoveries evoked from varying catalysts. I have no idea what this means :P Are you trying to say that closely analysing the texts is like a catalyst for discovering things?? I'm not sure if it's the sentence structure or a word choice issue but this bit is a tad confusing. Other than that, v good intro.

'Go Back To Where You Came From' illustrates the transformation of individuals resulting from tangible experiences instigated through extraneous motives. it feels like your choice of vocabulary is distracting from your message, rather than enhancing it and making it clearer. All this sentence is really saying is that the people in 'Go Back' discover things as a result of their experiences. Also, 'tangible' might not be the right word here - that tends to apply more to objects or evidence (e.g. 'I have tangible proof that my wife has been cheating on me.') In the introduction, the utilisation of cross-cutting between archival footage of a refugee boat crashing into the shore and the interview of politicians stating “we must stop the boats,” engender sympathy towards the refugees and thereby evokes antagonism toward the hostility of the politicians. The biased editing indicates that the catalyst of the refugee process the six participants embark on was the producers’ external motives to persuade the public’s opinion on the refugee issue be specific here; what are they trying to persuade them of? What message is being conveyed here? As the six participants proceed through their journey, the development of their physical discovery is portrayed through the scene in which Adam, Glenny and Darren travel through the red-zone. The U.S soldiers assurance of having a “SOP(standard operating procedure) in place to make sure they when modifying quotes from a text, the convention is to just use square brackets and replace any unnecessary information, so this would be 'to make sure [bombers] don't get too close. '(bombers) don't get too close,” is capitalised on expressions is a bit clunky; try 'emphasised' or 'magnified' through the employment of close up shots of nearby vehicles. The close up shots of the vehicles conveys These convey the anxiety and fear of the scene through raising suspicion of a possible bomber. This trepidation is further enhanced by the voiceover of the narrator who states that “only an hour earlier a bomb exploded nearby, killing two civilians” good, but make sure you integrate these quotes properly. The participants’ response to this physical confrontation is captured through reaction shots that reveal the apprehension and fear brought by their tangible firsthand experience of the dangers the refugees flee from. Adam Hartup expresses the resultant change he has undergone due to the discovery as he states “I won’t say it’s illegal (entering Australia by boat) [to enter Australia by boat; it's too harsh of a title,” contrasting from his past accusation of refugees to be “criminals.” expression; you don't accuse of someone to be something' - this should be more like 'his past belief that refugees were "criminals" ' or 'his previous accusation that refugees were "criminals".' Adam’s quotes portray his realisation that categorising people who are simply attempting to escape death as murderers and thieves is not appropriate. The portrayal of Adam’s transformation of his perspective on refugees illuminates the effect of discoveries evoked extraneous to themselves. Great! Loving the step-by-step build up of your argument here, but I think you could do more to link this to the prompt. Remember that you're meant to be talking about the key words 'curiousity' and 'wonder;' and those aren't really present in this paragraph. Perhaps you could challenge the prompt by suggesting that sometimes, more harrowing discoveries can stem from other impulses (i.e. the participants on 'Go Back' weren't especially curious or amazed at the wonder of what they experienced, but instead became more enlightened and informed as a result of the discoveries they made.)
Very interesting text selection - it'd be interesting to see how you tied these together in later paragraphs. The logical process of explaining ideas that you've demonstrated here is excellent, and you're doing the right stuff at the right moments in terms of when to bring up evidence and when to zoom out and talk about discovery in general.

However, relevance is a bit of an issue given that you're dealing with the second part of the prompt pretty well ('discoveries offer up new understanding of ourselves and the world we live in') but you've barely touched on the first at all ('discoveries are often evoked by curiosity and wonder.') As such, I'd recommend tailoring this discussion a little bit more to the key terms that the prompt uses if you want to increase your mark.  In this case, think about how 'curiousity' and 'wonder' relate to 'Go Back,' and how you might use that link to substantiate a point about discovery in general. It's possible you've left these terms to deal with in later paragraphs, but it'd be especially impressive if you managed to incorporate them here too, as if an assessor is reading this from start to finish, they'll get to the end of this paragraph and wonder why there hadn't been any exploration of certain facets of the prompt yet.

Aside from that, you seem to be pretty much on top of things. Be careful not to let your expression get too out of hand, as at time it felt a bit clunky or as though you were using the words to obfuscate what you were trying to say. Simplicity and clarity should always be your primary focus, and you can jazz stuff up with words like 'catalyse' and 'extraneous' later once the underlying message has been pinned down.

So from here on:
• Prioritise relevance, and make sure that the starts and ends of your discussion are closely based on the prompt and its key ideas. Give yourself a precise focus at the beginning, and reinforce the relevance at the end to ensure that all the evidence you bring up in between is on point.
• Watch out for your expression in some sections, and if in doubt, simplify the sentence. Your word choices were mostly fine, and the sentences were mostly grammatical; it's just that certain words weren't as efficient as they could've been, and it led to some rather laborious phrases that could've been cut down. So just make sure your wording isn't detracting from the quality of your analysis, and you should be fine :)

Good luck with it all!
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: nay103 on February 10, 2016, 08:39:36 pm
Hi there!
First of all thank you so much for doing this :) While we've finished our discovery assessment tasks already (wasn't an essay) I'm not really happy with the essay I have and my teacher actually recommended to change texts. Would you mind giving me some feedback?

Thanks!!
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: brenden on February 11, 2016, 09:49:23 am
Hi there!
First of all thank you so much for doing this :) While we've finished our discovery assessment tasks already (wasn't an essay) I'm not really happy with the essay I have and my teacher actually recommended to change texts. Would you mind giving me some feedback?

Thanks!!
Hey nay,

Will definitely take a look!

nay103's unmarked essay for reference
While the process of discovery leads to new understandings and renewed perspectives of ourselves and others, it can also lead an individual to question themselves and others, and thus have a less concrete understanding of people. Che Guevara’s memoir, The Motorcycle Diaries, published in 1995, asserts that discovery allows new ideas about ourselves and others to be formed, while Haruki Murakami’s short novel, South of the Border, West of the Sun, published in 1992, suggests that discoveries do not necessarily lead to a better understanding of ourselves or others. While both texts grapple with the notion of discovery as being intertwined in the formation of values and perspectives, each text takes a different stance upon this idea.

The Motorcycle Diaries documents Guevara’s travels through South America in forty-six diary entries over nine months. The personal nature of this form allows the reader to make deeper connections with Guevara, and experience the building up of discoveries as he does. As Guevara’s diaries are sandwiched between a preface written by his daughter and an appendix written after he became a revolutionary, the reader is able to appreciate the impact of the new understandings Guevara has made on his journey and how they have affected his view of himself and others. The reader is able to see the juxtaposition between the “old” Guevara and the “enlightened” Guevara, emphasising that discovery can and does lead to new understandings and perceptions.

Murakami’s South of the Border, West of the Sun, concerns an everyday man named Hajime, and the relationships he forms throughout his life, most importantly the one he forms with his childhood crush, Shimamoto. While it is evident Hajime is heavily based on Murakami himself – they both share passions for music, literature and jazz bars, Murakami writes in a way that makes Hajime’s emotions seem detached. As the reader goes through the book, due to the paradoxical nature of the isolated first person narration, it is difficult to develop a better understanding of Hajime. Though they read his story, and discover what he goes through, they fail to make any substantial new understandings about him as a person.

Guevara’s diaries also suggest that smaller discoveries, once built up, can lead to significant insights of one’s character. This is primarily expressed when Guevara reflects upon his journey. For example, in the first entry, “so we understand each other,” Guevara refers to himself in the third person, saying, “the person who wrote these notes passed away the moment his feet touched Argentine soil. The person who also re-organises them and polishes them, me, is no longer, at least I’m not the person I once was. This third person narration creates a distance between the reader and the pre-journey Guevara, while the first person narration in the second sentence creates a sense of intimacy between the reader and the post-journey Guevara. This accentuates the differences between the two Guevaras, which is only emphasised through the metaphorical death he describes. His discoveries on his journey have not only caused him to change his values and the way he views himself, but have resulted in a “rebirth” for him as well.

Guevara’s notion that discovering and discoveries always lead to a better understanding of self is subverted in Murakami’s work. He asserts that discoveries about one’s self and others leads to another revelation, where the individual realises how little they actually know. For example, despite the regular meetings Shimamoto and Hajime have, he says, “The most I can say about you was how you were at the age of twelve. Other than what I knew about you then, I’m in the dark.” He does not feel he understands her any better than before, though he has learnt more about her through their frequent conversations. It is also evident that Hajime feels he has not learnt more about himself, as his relationship with Shimamoto is a reflection of his relationship with himself, as indicated by, “Nothing is written in your eyes. It’s written in my eyes. I just see the reflection in yours.” The successive short sentences create a sense of resignation, that Hajime has finally conceded he really doesn’t know himself or Shimamoto. His realisations express that though individuals can continue discovering things about themselves and others, it is impossible to ever develop a true understanding of a person. The more people discover about individuals, the more they realise they have to learn, contrasting to Guevara’s stance.

Though discovery and discovering can lead to new understandings, as demonstrated by Guevara’s The Motorcycle Diaries, this is not necessarily true in all cases, as suggested by Haruki Murakami’s South of the Border, West of the Sun. In comparing these two texts, it seems that physical and observational discoveries tend to lead to more concrete understandings, while emotional discoveries tend to lead the individual to introspectively question themselves. (Not sure about this last sentence… not really sure how to word it)

nay103's marked essay
Discoveries and discovering can offer new understanding and renewed perceptions of ourselves and others.

While the process of discovery leads to new understandings and renewed perspectives of ourselves and others, it can also lead an individual to question themselves and others, and thus have a less concrete understanding of people. I really, really like the position you've taken here. Che Guevara’s memoir, The Motorcycle Diaries, published in 1995, asserts that discovery allows new ideas about ourselves and others to be formed, while Haruki Murakami’s short novel, South of the Border, West of the Sun, published in 1992, suggests that discoveries do not necessarily lead to a better understanding of ourselves or others. While both texts grapple with the notion of discovery as being intertwined in the formation of values and perspectives, each text takes a different stance upon this idea.

Notice what I've highlighted in blue :). I used to use that word a lot as well because it's really just so useful, but when you can make a sine graph out of your intermittent use of a word, then your essay starts to sound... well... like a really bunched up sine graph.

I like your take on the prompt, it's a good thesis.

After your thesis though, you don't flow with the texts you're introducing. I.e., it's like there's distinct chunks of writing. There's Chunk A, where you write your thesis, and then there's Chunk B, where you write about the texts. It's best to have you're entire introduction seem like it's a Chunk in itself. It seems as if SofBWotS really reinforces your thesis, so you could lead on from your first sentence like...

 While the process of discovery leads to new understandings and renewed perspectives of ourselves and others, it can also lead an individual to question themselves and others, and thus have a less concrete understanding of people. Haruki Murakami’s short novel, South of the Border, West of the Sun explore this notion, suggesting that new knowledge can shake the foundations of our reality.

Now, obviously talking about the shaken foundations of reality sounds like you're a bit of a wanker, but do you see how I blended the sentences? Focus not on the content, but on the grammar and structure. It looks as if there's One Chunk. Then you'd really try and continue that Chunk with the other text etc. You could say.... "However, The Motorcycle Diaries positions discovery as more akin to development; something that pushes us forward and lends us greater understanding of the world".

And that would blend.

Now, I've said a lot of things for the purpose of learning, but the key thing I want you to take out of what I've just said about your introduction is: It should be One Chunk. Not two or three Chunks. And you can do this by grammar and structure alteration!


The Motorcycle Diaries documents Guevara’s travels through South America in forty-six diary entries over nine months. The personal nature of this form allows the reader to make deeper connections with Guevara, and experience the building up of discoveries as he does. Good, hits 'ways texts are composed/responded to' As Guevara’s diaries are sandwiched between a preface written by his daughter and an appendix written after he became a revolutionary, the reader is able to appreciate the impact of the new understandings Guevara has made on his journey and how they have affected his view of himself and others. The reader is able to see the juxtaposition between the “old” Guevara and the “enlightened” Guevara, emphasising that discovery can and does lead to new understandings and perceptions. Good! Hits the criteria. Structurally, the paragraph is very quick and to the point, but I see you have many paragraphs so I won't necessarily tell you off for it. I can definitely see what you're going for in this paragraph, and I do like the cut of your jib.

Murakami’s South of the Border, West of the Sun, concerns an everyday man named Hajime, and the relationships he forms throughout his life, most importantly the one he forms with his childhood crush, Shimamoto. While it is evident Hajime is heavily based on Murakami himself – they both share passions for music, literature and jazz bars, Murakami writes in a way that makes Hajime’s emotions seem detached. As the reader goes through the book, due to the paradoxical nature of the isolated first person narration, it is difficult to develop a better understanding of Hajime. Though they read his story, and discover what he goes through, they fail to make any substantial new understandings about him as a person.

Hmmm. It "feels" like you're sort of, telling facts, instead of exploring discovery. A small point, but I might talk more on this at the end of the essay.

Guevara’s diaries also suggest that smaller discoveries, once built up, can lead to significant insights of one’s character. This is primarily expressed when Guevara reflects upon his journey. For example, in the first entry, “so we understand each other,” Guevara refers to himself in the third person, saying, “the person who wrote these notes passed away the moment his feet touched Argentine soil. The person who also re-organises them and polishes them, me, is no longer, at least I’m not the person I once was. This third person narration creates a distance between the reader and the pre-journey Guevara, while the first person narration in the second sentence creates a sense of intimacy between the reader and the post-journey Guevara cool, cool!. This accentuates the differences between the two Guevaras, which is only emphasised through the metaphorical death he describes I *really* appreciate and like this folllow up sentence. Follow up sentences of this nature... they good. they cool. they fresh.. His discoveries on his journey have not only caused him to change his values and the way he views himself, but have resulted in a “rebirth” for him as well.

Guevara’s notion that discovering and discoveries always lead to a better understanding of self is subverted in Murakami’s work. He asserts that discoveries about one’s self and others leads to another revelation, where the individual realises how little they actually know. For example, despite the regular meetings Shimamoto and Hajime have, he says, “The most I can say about you was how you were at the age of twelve. Other than what I knew about you then, I’m in the dark.” He does not feel he understands her any better than before, though he has learnt more about her through their frequent conversations. It is also evident that Hajime feels he has not learnt more about himself, as his relationship with Shimamoto is a reflection of his relationship with himself, as indicated by, “Nothing is written in your eyes. It’s written in my eyes. I just see the reflection in yours.” The successive short sentences create a sense of resignation love it, that Hajime has finally conceded he really doesn’t know himself or Shimamoto. His realisations express that though individuals can continue discovering things about themselves and others, it is impossible to ever develop a true understanding of a person. The more people discover about individuals, the more they realise they have to learn, contrasting to Guevara’s stance.Mmmhmm, mhmmm. Mmkay, kewl kewl.

Though discovery and discovering can lead to new understandings, as demonstrated by Guevara’s The Motorcycle Diaries, this is not necessarily true in all cases, as suggested by Haruki Murakami’s South of the Border, West of the Sun. In comparing these two texts, it seems that physical and observational discoveries tend to lead to more concrete understandings, while emotional discoveries tend to lead the individual to introspectively question themselves. (Not sure about this last sentence… not really sure how to word it)

Yeah I see what you mean about the last sentence. You mean this:

In comparing these two texts, it seems that discoveries of an empirical, tangible nature lead to more concrete understandings, whereas emotional discoveries (or even 'interpersonal' discoveries?) only make an individual's firm sense of self more distant and more complex.

I think that's what you mean at least, it was just a tiny bit of awkward grammar. (Even my sentence is a bit awkward - it's some tough meaning to convey).

Also, I do feel as if you perhaps compared the texts it too much of a detached way without really exploring your thesis and the nature of discovery. I.e., you flicked in some techniques, some statements... But I feel as if your thesis has more depth to it than you showed in the essay.

The structure is smart for the comparative nature of the essays, with the A-B-A-B structure. I wonder if four paragraphs is stretching you too thing though and not allowing you to hit the right depth.

Regarding changing texts... Why did your teacher recommend that? I.e., what was the context?


Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: Happy Physics Land on February 11, 2016, 10:26:21 am
Hey guys, thank you for doing advanced english essay marking! What a benevolent act this is! If anyone is available, would you kindly mind to mark my essay on the area of study discovery? Thank you very much guys I really appreciate it! :)
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: nay103 on February 12, 2016, 08:17:49 pm
Hey nay,

Will definitely take a look!

nay103's unmarked essay for reference
While the process of discovery leads to new understandings and renewed perspectives of ourselves and others, it can also lead an individual to question themselves and others, and thus have a less concrete understanding of people. Che Guevara’s memoir, The Motorcycle Diaries, published in 1995, asserts that discovery allows new ideas about ourselves and others to be formed, while Haruki Murakami’s short novel, South of the Border, West of the Sun, published in 1992, suggests that discoveries do not necessarily lead to a better understanding of ourselves or others. While both texts grapple with the notion of discovery as being intertwined in the formation of values and perspectives, each text takes a different stance upon this idea.

The Motorcycle Diaries documents Guevara’s travels through South America in forty-six diary entries over nine months. The personal nature of this form allows the reader to make deeper connections with Guevara, and experience the building up of discoveries as he does. As Guevara’s diaries are sandwiched between a preface written by his daughter and an appendix written after he became a revolutionary, the reader is able to appreciate the impact of the new understandings Guevara has made on his journey and how they have affected his view of himself and others. The reader is able to see the juxtaposition between the “old” Guevara and the “enlightened” Guevara, emphasising that discovery can and does lead to new understandings and perceptions.

Murakami’s South of the Border, West of the Sun, concerns an everyday man named Hajime, and the relationships he forms throughout his life, most importantly the one he forms with his childhood crush, Shimamoto. While it is evident Hajime is heavily based on Murakami himself – they both share passions for music, literature and jazz bars, Murakami writes in a way that makes Hajime’s emotions seem detached. As the reader goes through the book, due to the paradoxical nature of the isolated first person narration, it is difficult to develop a better understanding of Hajime. Though they read his story, and discover what he goes through, they fail to make any substantial new understandings about him as a person.

Guevara’s diaries also suggest that smaller discoveries, once built up, can lead to significant insights of one’s character. This is primarily expressed when Guevara reflects upon his journey. For example, in the first entry, “so we understand each other,” Guevara refers to himself in the third person, saying, “the person who wrote these notes passed away the moment his feet touched Argentine soil. The person who also re-organises them and polishes them, me, is no longer, at least I’m not the person I once was. This third person narration creates a distance between the reader and the pre-journey Guevara, while the first person narration in the second sentence creates a sense of intimacy between the reader and the post-journey Guevara. This accentuates the differences between the two Guevaras, which is only emphasised through the metaphorical death he describes. His discoveries on his journey have not only caused him to change his values and the way he views himself, but have resulted in a “rebirth” for him as well.

Guevara’s notion that discovering and discoveries always lead to a better understanding of self is subverted in Murakami’s work. He asserts that discoveries about one’s self and others leads to another revelation, where the individual realises how little they actually know. For example, despite the regular meetings Shimamoto and Hajime have, he says, “The most I can say about you was how you were at the age of twelve. Other than what I knew about you then, I’m in the dark.” He does not feel he understands her any better than before, though he has learnt more about her through their frequent conversations. It is also evident that Hajime feels he has not learnt more about himself, as his relationship with Shimamoto is a reflection of his relationship with himself, as indicated by, “Nothing is written in your eyes. It’s written in my eyes. I just see the reflection in yours.” The successive short sentences create a sense of resignation, that Hajime has finally conceded he really doesn’t know himself or Shimamoto. His realisations express that though individuals can continue discovering things about themselves and others, it is impossible to ever develop a true understanding of a person. The more people discover about individuals, the more they realise they have to learn, contrasting to Guevara’s stance.

Though discovery and discovering can lead to new understandings, as demonstrated by Guevara’s The Motorcycle Diaries, this is not necessarily true in all cases, as suggested by Haruki Murakami’s South of the Border, West of the Sun. In comparing these two texts, it seems that physical and observational discoveries tend to lead to more concrete understandings, while emotional discoveries tend to lead the individual to introspectively question themselves. (Not sure about this last sentence… not really sure how to word it)

nay103's marked essay
Discoveries and discovering can offer new understanding and renewed perceptions of ourselves and others.

While the process of discovery leads to new understandings and renewed perspectives of ourselves and others, it can also lead an individual to question themselves and others, and thus have a less concrete understanding of people. I really, really like the position you've taken here. Che Guevara’s memoir, The Motorcycle Diaries, published in 1995, asserts that discovery allows new ideas about ourselves and others to be formed, while Haruki Murakami’s short novel, South of the Border, West of the Sun, published in 1992, suggests that discoveries do not necessarily lead to a better understanding of ourselves or others. While both texts grapple with the notion of discovery as being intertwined in the formation of values and perspectives, each text takes a different stance upon this idea.

Notice what I've highlighted in blue :). I used to use that word a lot as well because it's really just so useful, but when you can make a sine graph out of your intermittent use of a word, then your essay starts to sound... well... like a really bunched up sine graph.

I like your take on the prompt, it's a good thesis.

After your thesis though, you don't flow with the texts you're introducing. I.e., it's like there's distinct chunks of writing. There's Chunk A, where you write your thesis, and then there's Chunk B, where you write about the texts. It's best to have you're entire introduction seem like it's a Chunk in itself. It seems as if SofBWotS really reinforces your thesis, so you could lead on from your first sentence like...

 While the process of discovery leads to new understandings and renewed perspectives of ourselves and others, it can also lead an individual to question themselves and others, and thus have a less concrete understanding of people. Haruki Murakami’s short novel, South of the Border, West of the Sun explore this notion, suggesting that new knowledge can shake the foundations of our reality.

Now, obviously talking about the shaken foundations of reality sounds like you're a bit of a wanker, but do you see how I blended the sentences? Focus not on the content, but on the grammar and structure. It looks as if there's One Chunk. Then you'd really try and continue that Chunk with the other text etc. You could say.... "However, The Motorcycle Diaries positions discovery as more akin to development; something that pushes us forward and lends us greater understanding of the world".

And that would blend.

Now, I've said a lot of things for the purpose of learning, but the key thing I want you to take out of what I've just said about your introduction is: It should be One Chunk. Not two or three Chunks. And you can do this by grammar and structure alteration!


The Motorcycle Diaries documents Guevara’s travels through South America in forty-six diary entries over nine months. The personal nature of this form allows the reader to make deeper connections with Guevara, and experience the building up of discoveries as he does. Good, hits 'ways texts are composed/responded to' As Guevara’s diaries are sandwiched between a preface written by his daughter and an appendix written after he became a revolutionary, the reader is able to appreciate the impact of the new understandings Guevara has made on his journey and how they have affected his view of himself and others. The reader is able to see the juxtaposition between the “old” Guevara and the “enlightened” Guevara, emphasising that discovery can and does lead to new understandings and perceptions. Good! Hits the criteria. Structurally, the paragraph is very quick and to the point, but I see you have many paragraphs so I won't necessarily tell you off for it. I can definitely see what you're going for in this paragraph, and I do like the cut of your jib.

Murakami’s South of the Border, West of the Sun, concerns an everyday man named Hajime, and the relationships he forms throughout his life, most importantly the one he forms with his childhood crush, Shimamoto. While it is evident Hajime is heavily based on Murakami himself – they both share passions for music, literature and jazz bars, Murakami writes in a way that makes Hajime’s emotions seem detached. As the reader goes through the book, due to the paradoxical nature of the isolated first person narration, it is difficult to develop a better understanding of Hajime. Though they read his story, and discover what he goes through, they fail to make any substantial new understandings about him as a person.

Hmmm. It "feels" like you're sort of, telling facts, instead of exploring discovery. A small point, but I might talk more on this at the end of the essay.

Guevara’s diaries also suggest that smaller discoveries, once built up, can lead to significant insights of one’s character. This is primarily expressed when Guevara reflects upon his journey. For example, in the first entry, “so we understand each other,” Guevara refers to himself in the third person, saying, “the person who wrote these notes passed away the moment his feet touched Argentine soil. The person who also re-organises them and polishes them, me, is no longer, at least I’m not the person I once was. This third person narration creates a distance between the reader and the pre-journey Guevara, while the first person narration in the second sentence creates a sense of intimacy between the reader and the post-journey Guevara cool, cool!. This accentuates the differences between the two Guevaras, which is only emphasised through the metaphorical death he describes I *really* appreciate and like this folllow up sentence. Follow up sentences of this nature... they good. they cool. they fresh.. His discoveries on his journey have not only caused him to change his values and the way he views himself, but have resulted in a “rebirth” for him as well.

Guevara’s notion that discovering and discoveries always lead to a better understanding of self is subverted in Murakami’s work. He asserts that discoveries about one’s self and others leads to another revelation, where the individual realises how little they actually know. For example, despite the regular meetings Shimamoto and Hajime have, he says, “The most I can say about you was how you were at the age of twelve. Other than what I knew about you then, I’m in the dark.” He does not feel he understands her any better than before, though he has learnt more about her through their frequent conversations. It is also evident that Hajime feels he has not learnt more about himself, as his relationship with Shimamoto is a reflection of his relationship with himself, as indicated by, “Nothing is written in your eyes. It’s written in my eyes. I just see the reflection in yours.” The successive short sentences create a sense of resignation love it, that Hajime has finally conceded he really doesn’t know himself or Shimamoto. His realisations express that though individuals can continue discovering things about themselves and others, it is impossible to ever develop a true understanding of a person. The more people discover about individuals, the more they realise they have to learn, contrasting to Guevara’s stance.Mmmhmm, mhmmm. Mmkay, kewl kewl.

Though discovery and discovering can lead to new understandings, as demonstrated by Guevara’s The Motorcycle Diaries, this is not necessarily true in all cases, as suggested by Haruki Murakami’s South of the Border, West of the Sun. In comparing these two texts, it seems that physical and observational discoveries tend to lead to more concrete understandings, while emotional discoveries tend to lead the individual to introspectively question themselves. (Not sure about this last sentence… not really sure how to word it)

Yeah I see what you mean about the last sentence. You mean this:

In comparing these two texts, it seems that discoveries of an empirical, tangible nature lead to more concrete understandings, whereas emotional discoveries (or even 'interpersonal' discoveries?) only make an individual's firm sense of self more distant and more complex.

I think that's what you mean at least, it was just a tiny bit of awkward grammar. (Even my sentence is a bit awkward - it's some tough meaning to convey).

Also, I do feel as if you perhaps compared the texts it too much of a detached way without really exploring your thesis and the nature of discovery. I.e., you flicked in some techniques, some statements... But I feel as if your thesis has more depth to it than you showed in the essay.

The structure is smart for the comparative nature of the essays, with the A-B-A-B structure. I wonder if four paragraphs is stretching you too thing though and not allowing you to hit the right depth.

Regarding changing texts... Why did your teacher recommend that? I.e., what was the context?



Hey,

Thanks! That was really constructive. Would you be happy to look at a fixed essay once I get around to that?
My teacher said to change texts because the book seems to offer a notion of discovery that is "too ambiguous." I don't really see a problem with it - perhaps it even emphasises the nature of emotional discovery - but do you think I should listen to her?
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: MemeKing on February 13, 2016, 01:13:04 pm
Hey! -  I tried to fix some things before from the feedback mentioned.  This is my 2 body paragraphs so far and one related paragraph that relates with the "Identity" paragraph.  Thank you!  :)


Body 1:  Hurley

The mutability of truth renders discovery pivotal in order for us to appreciate otherwise ephemeral aspects of value.  The subjective feature of truth is confronted in the composite nature of Hurley’s work.  The notion that Hurley’s photographs are “amongst the most valuable ever taken” is a perspective that Nasht attempts to convey to his contemporary audience in Frank Hurley in order for us to discover aspects of value in his work that have been blurred by the ambiguity of truth.  Hurley’s “concoctions” lie in him seeing “a gulf between what he saw and what he captured” and thus provokes his transition into being a “master of illusions”.  Hurley’s “outright fakes” were attempted to be reconciled through Nasht’s quadtriptychs that endeavored to justify Hurley’s “dalliance with the truth”.  This juxtaposition was edited through the documentary in order to demonstrate that by discovering Hurley’s intention behind these “grand illusions”, could we then appreciate otherwise lost aspects of value.  Nasht’s then evocative zoom into the cyclical auction house emphasizing the “$100,000” portrays the value of his “forgotten work” that had now proved to be popular “in a world searching for hero’s”.  Nasht critiques the momentum of time that renders Hurley’s works “fake”, and thus conveys that only through discovery can we appreciate Hurley’s “grand illusions”.


Body 2:  Hurley

Man’s continual pursuit for discovery manifests the irony regarding human identity, allowing individuals to transcend their failures through art.  Throughout Frank Hurley, Nasht portrays Hurley’s intellectual discoveries that ultimately catalyses his ability to perpetuate a desired self-image.  This provokes the need to transcend himself past a “mere photographer,” utilizing his “elaborate concoctions” in order to attain a nirvana in which his fallacy of a “grand illusionist” may be adhered to.  As Hurley discovered, he realized he could not “capture his works on a single frame”, the frustrated tone of the narrator resonates with Hurley’s inherent failures that provokes him to seek alternative methods to let his work be known.  Through this journey of self-discovery, Nasht portrays Hurley as a “tireless photographer” that sees his intellectual inability lead him through “drinking melting ice” and “eating raw seal meat” that conveys his seemingly endless journeys in attempting to discover what may make his work timeless.  Nasht then reconciles the ephemeral existence of Hurley’s photographers through the title of “an inventor”, stating how Hurley is going to “make the photographers”.  Nasht engages this with a montage of composite images in order to portray Hurley’s affiliation as an “inventor”, emphasizing his ability to transcend himself through “manipulations”.  Although plagued by the momentum of time, Nasht demonstrates how Hurley’s intellectual discoveries can redefine his existence and transcend Hurley’s inherent inadequacies through art.



Body 3:  Black Swan [Relating Hurley’s Body 2]

Discovering the desire for perfection examines the duality in human identity, implying that insanity is possible in a search for perfection, even death.  Aronofsky depicts man’s continual pursuit for discovery in Black Swan through the protagonist Nina’s transcendence into the “black swan” that leads her to surpass her failures.  Nina’s goal is to dance both the roles of the “white” and “black” swan however she does not possess the “dark passion” required to “balance the opposing characters of good and evil”.  In the light of this discovery, Aronofsky portrays the dichotomy of black and white in the film as a reoccurring motif that demonstrates the “corruption” slowly delving into the protagonists mind leading her further into insanity.  The illusion that Nina experienced pulling a “feather” from her skin depicts her evolution as the metaphor portrays her transcendence to the “darkness” she needed for the “black swan”.  Much like Hurley’s ability to transcend himself through his “elaborate concoctions”, Nina is finally able to transcend herself in the final scene as she “bleeds black”, “killing herself” onstage in attempts to achieve “perfection”.  Through this scene, Aronofsky conveys that darkness was a cost from the plight for perfection that concluded with “suicidal death” and that Nina the “White swan” was metaphorically “set free” the more she discovered the “shadow within”.  Hence, both Nasht’s and Aronofsky’s texts mutually explore the irony of human identity, portraying man’s pursuit to transcend their failures through art.




Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: summerxyingshi on February 15, 2016, 03:53:08 pm
Hi,
I was wondering if you would be able to give me some feedback on my essay on The Crucible. The essay is just on The Crucible.

Thank you :)
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: literally lauren on February 16, 2016, 03:46:15 pm
Hope ya'll don't mind this VCE-er crashing your thread to scrawl in red all over your essays :3

Hey guys, thank you for doing advanced english essay marking! What a benevolent act this is! If anyone is available, would you kindly mind to mark my essay on the area of study discovery? Thank you very much guys I really appreciate it! :)
Tis the least we can do for those aboard the AN bandwagon, especially people as helpful as yourself.
Comments in the spoiler :)
Spoiler
“Discovery can affirm or challenge societal assumptions and beliefs about aspects of human experience and the world” How does this quote represent your own understanding of discovery? In your response, make detailed reference to your prescribed text and at least ONE other related text of your choosing.

Discovery – necessarily involving the overcoming of obstacles and recognition to greater human potentials –often challenges popular social assumptions through renewed perceptions towards the reality of remote circumstances and confronting human experiences. excellent opening sentence. This notion is explored in Simon Nasht’s documentary Frank Hurley: the Man who Made History (2004). This documentary which illustrates the magnificence and danger of Antarctica and the atrocity of World War I, hence depicting an alternative reality of these events for a contemporary audience. Similarly, Markus Zusak’s novel The Messenger I approve of this choice :D Awesome book (2002) affirms the social expectations singular, since I believe you're just talking about the one here(?) that for teenagers, life can be unfulfilling but through determined actions and self-actualisation, expectation as in, our own expepctations? Or societal expectations? You could afford to be more specific here can be challenged and become more realistic. Overall, strong intro, and you've forged a decent link between the set texts.

Hurley’s far-reaching human <--bit redundant experience during the Shackleton Expedition challenges the society’s assumption of Antarctica being an unknown, lifeless and barren land through illustrating the continent’s magnificent force of nature. Excellent topic sentence. These paradigms are challenged synonym? This is the kind of word that's likely to come up often, so having some alternatives up your sleeve would be useful through Hurley’s iconic composite photography, stimulating new worlds and possibilities. The Shackleton voyage took place between 1914 and 1917 with the intention to cross Antarctica from pole to pole. The Polar historian, Steve Martin’s description of the exploration through the biblical imagery “place of the gods is taken … incredible forces of nature” depicts both the transcendent nature of the discovery which challenges the societal perception of Antarctica as a land of emptiness and insignificance. As an outcome of the Shackleton Voyage, Hurley reaches an epiphany and discovers that the extreme weather of Antarctica, the force of nature and his human encounters constitute to expression(??) Are you trying to say that these things combine to form valuable parts of his photography? If so, 'constitute' doesn't really fit the sentence here. If not, I'm not sure what you're saying exactly valuable components of his photography. This idea is expressed through Hurley’s metaphorical celebration of “something that was gold dust” which reflects the unexpected discovery of the fascinating world around him. So how do you know this discovery is valuable to him based on that quote? The connection might be obvious to you, but being even more explicit would be really good here (i.e. the fact that 'gold dust' implies fine, intrinsic value, etc.) Moreover, during the emotional interview with the daughters, the close-up shot of their mourning expression and the sobbing tone “how they found a place to camp is beyond me” this quote isn't really integrated properly. If I were to take out the quotation marks here, it wouldn't really be grammatical, which tells you that you need to do more to make this fir challenges the society’s unless you're going to specify a society (eg. 1970's America; contemporary Australia, the middle ages, etc.) it'd be better to just say 'society' in general  assumption that mankind cannot exist in Antarctica and endure under such a harsh environment. Overall, the documentary presents confronting experiences unveiling the timeless interaction between mankind and nature and how there is usually a re-evaluation of societal assumptions for a modern audience.
This is really nit-picky, but this sentence isn't really grammatical even though I know exactly what you're saying. Basically, we've got two core points here, and if we reverse the order, you'll see why they don't quite fit:
1. The documentary presents confronting experiences unveiling the link between mankind and nature, and how there is usually a revaluation of assumptions. (~simplifying a bit here)
2. The documentary presents how there is usually a revaluation of assumptions and confronting experiences unveiling the link between mankind and nature. ???

If this sentence were grammatical, I should be able to swap these components around, and everything would be fine. See:
1. The documentary suggests that art is really cool, and that the audience should take up painting.
2. The documentary suggests that the audience should take up painting, and that art is really cool.

But because you've got the verb 'presents' here, which doesn't quite gel with the second constituent ('how there is usually a revaluation...') it makes the whole things sound just a little bit off.

Admittedly it's the kind of thing most assessors would just ignore and skim over, but tidying up these little syntactic inconsistencies can make a difference to your quality of writing overall.

The personal and historical ramifications of Hurley’s emotional and psychological try not to split hairs unecessarily; your first divide: 'personal and historical' is valid, but this second one is a tad redundant. Is there a difference between an emotional disclosure and a psychological one? disclosure of life’s fragility during World War I offered a transformed societal perception towards the recording of human atrocity. An example of these ramifications is revealed through Hurley’s daunting simile when he describes how the war is“It’s like passing through the Valley of Death for no-one knows when the shell will lob”. <-- notice how I've integrated that quote now such that if you removed the quotation marks, it'd still fit the sentence? This in conjunction with the photographs of dead mutilated soldier in mud presents the devastating nature of war and consequences of human destruction. Hereby Hence, 1900s society’s the society of the 1900s' perception of war as a glorious event of courage? is effectively subverted. The emotional and psychological discoveries have led lead to the transformation within Hurley, from an objective war correspondent to an artist who desires to convey his understanding of the heroism within the soldiers when facing the devastation of war. The unbearable circumstance he disclosed for himself, expression - I'm not sure what you mean by 'disclosed' in this context? as illustrated through the frightening military imagery of there being a body “every twenty paces or less lay a body … covered with mud and slime” which has generated his intention to transcend the limitation of shots and create photographs. Consequently, through incorporating an extreme long shot to depict the vulnerability of the soldiers who are exposed under the attack of the planes, Hurley’s composite photograph portrays the soldiers’ courage in wars despite the observed danger. This effectively promotes a sense of heroism within them which cannot be achieved through factual photographs. Therefore, the power of composite imageries to illustrate the horrors of war challenges the importance of an objective analysis, signifying the importance of a subjective perspective to heighten the atrocity of war and confront the 1900s cultural belief of war as glorious. Freakin' awesome paragraph closer - there's not a thing about this I would change; you've done a great job zooming out after successfully building up your evidence over the previous sentences - great job!

Similarly, in The Messenger (2002), the protagonist Ed Kennedy subverts society’s assumptions towards underachieving teenagers through his transformative self-actualisation after accomplishing a series of confronting physical disclosures okay, this word definitely doesn't fit here. What exactly are you referring to? Physical tasks/challenges?. This is illustrated through the juxtaposition between in the representations of Ed in the establishing and final chapter. Preliminarily, Ed is displayed as an incompetent teenager whose doomed life simply involves cab driving and card games through the truncated sentences “No real career. No respect in the community. Nothing”. The repetition of “no” depicts a sense of hollowness in Ed’s life and affirms the assumption that real occupational world can be unfulfilling. EXCELLENT! You've got some quotes and metalanguage to describe what's going on in the text, but more impressively, you've been able to link this up with the intended meaning and overall significance!!! This is one of the best examples of this I've seen in an essay, and I've read a lot of essays :P Well done! However, his commencement on the Ace of Diamonds okay, I know what you're referring to because I've read the text, but if you said this to someone who hadn't you could understand how they might be confused. I think it's worth having maybe half a sentence of explanation about the significance of the different cards and notes just so your reader doesn't get lost here has led leads to discoveries of his hidden potentials, such as his ability to deal with the dilemma on the Edgar Street, heal people’s scars with happiness and encourage others to achieve beyond their abilities. In addition, Ed’s alternative method to punish the rapist instead of killing him is a spiritual landmark significant indicative of Ed’s enlightenment. The symbolism of the trigger in the quote “A moment of peace shatters me and I pull the trigger” represents Ed’s transition from a mundane, 19-years-old taxi driver to a hero who is ambitious, helpful and competent. In the last chapter of The Messenger, the spiritually meaningful outcomes have led Ed into becoming to become (though the expression is a bit simple here; instead of 'led to become,' consider something like 'engenders' or 'induces him to become...') a totally different person. Through the short but powerful closing sentence “I am not the messenger. I am the message”, Ed challenges for a popular-culture audience the society’s ignorance towards underachieving teenagers should be more like 'Ed challenges the ignorance of popular culture and society towards underachieving teenagers' by revealing his power to positively impact upon other’s lives and his capability to achieve beyond his potential. Overall, try not to overuse this as a paragraph conclusion; there are lots of other linking words like 'thus...' and 'ultimately' which would also work here through Ed’s contributive achievements either 'contributions' or 'achievements' would be fine here which are outcomes of his renewed understanding of his values, societal assumptions towards human experiences are effectively challenged.

Overall see above, both texts effectively portray the immense power of discovery to transform an individual’s perception towards social beliefs about human experience and the world. Through Frank Hurley: The Man who Made History, contemporary responders are enlightened with Hurley’s passion as an artistic photographer and this challenges societal beliefs about these composite imageries as being merely commodities. Similarly, the ramifications of Ed’s unexpected self-discovery in The Messenger has significantly transformed his life and confronted societal assumptions towards underachieving teenagers. good, functional conclusion, but I think there's room for you to do more than just sum up your points here. Ultimately, you're not going to lose marks for ending on a note like this, but you're not going to be gaining any marks either, so it's kind of a missed opportunity. Instead, try to zoom out and say something about the nature of discovery using both of these texts as your springboard, so that you can end by looking at discover as a whole, rather than relating the prompt to both texts in isolation.

So, to sum up, there are some really standout moments of top quality analysis here, and you've clearly got a lot of confidence in talking about the texts.

I think you could certainly work on your comparative skills though; dealing with the texts in their own paragraphs is perfectly fine, and it means you can explore relevant ideas without having to constantly flip back and forth between each one, but if you never talk about them together until the final bit of the conclusion, it makes it seem as though there aren't many viable links between them.

This actually ties in with a bigger point about argumentation. You've argued a lot of awesome points about the connection between Hurley and the idea of discovery, but when dealing with 'The Messenger,' you seem to conclude on the idea of societal expectations as they pertain to teenagers/underachievers which, whilst valid, is a little bit limiting and doesn't really showcase your or the text's potential. Spending some time just forging links between your two texts and then building out to ideas about discovery would be really valuable, I think.

Look at it like this - if the aim of your discovery module is to serve me up a delicious chocolate cake, and you serve me up one plain vanilla sponge cake on one plate and a big block of chocolate on the other... I'm not going to be too happy. I mean, I'll eat them both... but it'll be under duress  >:(

Instead, you should be aiming to produce an outcome which would not be possible with just some ingredients on their own. You can't make a chocolate cake with the ingredients for a vanilla sponge, nor can you make it with a block of chocolate alone. Your arguments about discovery should be like chocolate cake, and you need to combine BOTH texts to reach this goal.

So, if you're following my metaphor, what you've got at the moment is three paragraphs worth of delicious sponge cake, and one paragraph of tempting chocolate, but it's that final challenge of combination that you'll now have to reckon with. Don't compromise the quality of your analysis though, because that's clearly a strong point for you. But perhaps see if you could integrate a bit of each text into every paragraph, or at least have one of your bodies exploring some connections in more detail. That way, you'll be able to 'zoom out' and say things about discovery that wouldn't have otherwise been possible without the input of both textual reference points.

Other than that, really awesome job so far. Good luck with it all!

Hey,

Thanks! That was really constructive. Would you be happy to look at a fixed essay once I get around to that?
My teacher said to change texts because the book seems to offer a notion of discovery that is "too ambiguous." I don't really see a problem with it - perhaps it even emphasises the nature of emotional discovery - but do you think I should listen to her?
Hey man, feel free to post redrafts and other essays here! There'll always be someone happy to help out. :)

With regards to changing your texts, I'd definitely consult with your teacher further and see if she reckons your text is the kind of one you just need to deal with very carefully to make sure you're bringing those 'ambiguities' to the surface and explaining them clearly, or whether she thinks it's one that's better ditched and left alone because it'd be too much work.

I'm with you in that it seems to suit your discussion well and sheds some slightly different light on what would otherwise be a fairly straightforward discussion of certain facets of discovery, but perhaps this is your teacher's way of telling you 'you're going to have a tough time this year dealing with certain prompts and ideas,' so I'd probably give more credence to her opinion than mine :P Did you have any other texts in mind, or are there any particular texts you might consider? Ideally you'll be able to find one that deals with similar ideas in a less ambiguous way. Let me know what you're looking for and I might be able to suggest some.


@MemeKing, feedback below:
Spoiler
Body 1:  Hurley

The mutability of truth renders 'means that' or 'makes' would be more accurate here. You've got enough complex words going on in this sentence, and 'renders' is not quite right (-it tends to be used in the context of 'eliminating all other options,' as in, 'My ATAR rendered me unable to attend university.' It's kind of like the verb 'left,' as in, 'She was left/rendered crying by the phone waiting for it to ring' if that makes sense?) discovery pivotal in order for us to appreciate otherwise ephemeral aspects of value.  The subjective feature of truth is confronted in the composite nature of Hurley’s work.  The notion that Hurley’s photographs are “amongst the most valuable ever taken” is a perspective that Nasht attempts to convey to his contemporary audience in Frank Hurley in order for us to discover aspects of value in his work that have been blurred by the ambiguity of truth.  Hurley’s “concoctions” lie in him seeing “a gulf between what he saw and what he captured” and thus provokes his transition into being a “master of illusions”.  Hurley’s “outright fakes” were attempted to be reconciled expression - this makes it sound like the fakes were trying to reconcile themselves ??? through Nasht’s quadtriptychs that endeavored to justify So this sentence is saying Hurley's fakes were reconciled through the quadtriptychs that tried to justify his "dalliance"? I'm a little lost here; what is the textual evidence demonstrating, exactly. At the moment, you're cramming a bit too much information into these sentences Hurley’s “dalliance with the truth”.  This juxtaposition was is --keep a consistent present tense when talking about things the author/director does edited through the documentary in order to demonstrate that by discovering Hurley’s intention behind these “grand illusions”, could we could then appreciate otherwise lost aspects of value.  Nasht’s then evocative zoom into the cyclical auction house emphasizing the “$100,000” portrays the value of his “forgotten work” that had now proved to be popular “in a world searching for hero’s no apostrophe here”. Thus, Nasht critiques the momentum of time expression that renders Hurley’s works “fake”, and thus conveys that only through discovery can we appreciate Hurley’s “grand illusions”.

Body 2:  Hurley

Man’s continual pursuit for discovery manifests brings about? not sure what you're going for here the irony regarding human identity, allowing individuals to transcend their failures through art.  Throughout Frank Hurley, Nasht portrays Hurley’s intellectual discoveries that ultimately catalyses his ability to perpetuate a desired self-image.  This provokes the need to transcend himself past a “mere photographer,” utilizing his “elaborate concoctions” in order to attain a nirvana in which his fallacy of a “grand illusionist” may be adhered to.  As Hurley discovered, he realized he could not “capture his works on a single frame”, and the frustrated tone of the narrator resonates with Hurley’s inherent failures that provokes him to seek alternative methods to let his work be known.  Through this journey of self-discovery, Nasht portrays Hurley as a “tireless photographer” that sees his intellectual inability lead him through “drinking melting ice” and “eating raw seal meat” that slight repetition in sentence structure within this point conveys his seemingly endless journeys in attempting to discover what may make his work timeless. some great analysis going on here; this is much improved from your earlier drafts :) Nasht then reconciles the ephemeral existence of Hurley’s photographers through the title of “an inventor”, stating how Hurley is going to “make the photographers”.  Nasht engages this with a montage of composite images in order to portray Hurley’s affiliation as an “inventor”, emphasizing his ability to transcend himself through “manipulations”.  Although plagued by the momentum of time, Nasht demonstrates how Hurley’s intellectual discoveries can redefine his existence and transcend Hurley’s inherent inadequacies through art. V. good paragraph; watch out for expression errors, but other than that, good use of evidence.

Body 3:  Black Swan [Relating Hurley’s Body 2]

Discovering the desire for perfection examines involves an examination of the duality in human identity, implying that insanity is possible in a search for perfection, even death why does this imply insanity and death are possible? I'm not following the logic here.  Aronofsky depicts man’s continual pursuit for discovery in Black Swan through the protagonist Nina’s transcendence into the “black swan” that leads her to surpass her failures.  Nina’s goal is to dance both the roles of the “white” and “black” swan however she does not possess the “dark passion” required to “balance the opposing characters of good and evil”.  In the light of this discovery, Aronofsky portrays the dichotomy of black and white in the film as a reoccurring motif that demonstrates the “corruption” slowly delving into the protagonists mind leading her further into insanity.  The illusion that Nina experienced pulling a “feather” from her skin depicts her evolution as the metaphor portrays her transcendence to the “darkness” she needed for the “black swan”.  Much like Hurley’s ability to transcend himself through his “elaborate concoctions”, Nina is finally able to transcend herself I love that there's an overt connection between the texts here, but to 'transcend oneself' isn't really the most accurate way to phrase this in the context of the plot in the final scene as she “bleeds black”, “killing herself” onstage in attempts an attempt to achieve “perfection”.  Through this scene, Aronofsky conveys that darkness was a cost from the plight for perfection that concluded with “suicidal death” and that Nina the “White swan” was metaphorically “set free” the more she discovered the “shadow within”.  Hence, both Nasht’s and Aronofsky’s texts mutually explore the irony of human identity, portraying man’s pursuit to transcend their failures through art. Excellent para conclusion!

There's so much improvement here from your earlier pieces; the connection between evidence and ideas is way stronger, and it seems like there's greater clarity in your understanding of the set text, so well done. There were a few moments where your expression impeded clarity a bit and I couldn't quite work out what you were insinuating, so just keep an eye on your word choices (but again, keep varying your vocab so you can uncover these concerns - they're already getting less frequent, which is also a sign of improvement) & make sure you're not repeating vocab or sentence structures too much.

Let us know if you have any further questions! :)

@summerxyingshi, feedback below:
Spoiler
What are the individual political perspectives, ideas, events or situations of the community? How are these represented?
In your response examine context, characterisation, theme, the process of analogy and allusion, motif, tone, structure, language, the use of drama as a political instrument. In your response, refer to The Crucible.


Political consequences can occur as a result of individuals pursuing their own ideology in a confining theological society. V. good opening sentence. You're talking about abstract ideas, but you're still doing so in a way that hints at the key notions in the prompt, which is awesome! This is represented in Arthur Miller’s 1953 drama, The Crucible which recounts the political event of the 17th Century Salem Witch Hunts. Miller uses the allegory of the town of Salem to criticise the 1950s, <-- no comma needed here American McCarthyism trials whereby individuals feared (keep the tense consistent; you're talking about an event in the '50s, so it's pretty safe to use past tense) blinded the people’s true intentions and morals.

The Crucible portrays through the Salem witch trials, that Okay, idea-wise, I get what you're conveying, but the sentence structure is a little bit weird here. First of all, the word 'portrays' is a great one for describing how an author presents evidence (e.g. 'Miller portrays the damage of Abigail's lies' or 'The playwright portrays the hysteria of the town') but you can't really use it in the context of portraying a message (e.g. 'Miller portrays that Abigail is a liar' or 'The playwright portrays that the town is hysterical' ~~both of those sound a little clunky.) If those last two sound okay to you, it's probably because your use of the word 'portrays' isn't quite aligned with the correct grammatical use of the word. To give you a clearer example of why this sounds odd, think of a word like 'argues.' You can say 'Miller argues that hysteria can be damaging,' but you can't say 'Miller argues the damage of hysteria' - it just doesn't sound right with that verb choice.
The other thing you've done here is split the sentence a bit, which can work well in some contexts, but isn't ideal in a topic sentence where you want to be prioritising clarity. So instead of saying (The author argues) (through this piece of evidence) (that this idea is true,) you instead want to get that middle bit outside the core of the sentence, and have it either at the beginning, like so: (Through this piece of evidence,) (the author argues) (this idea to be true) or at the end, as in: (The author argues) (this idea to be true,) (as seen in this piece of evidence.) To take the first one as an example, that would give us something more like 'Through the frenzy of the Salem witch trials, Miller suggests that mass hysteria can skew... etc.' Make sense? :) mass hysteria can skew an individual’s morals furthering political instability. Abigail, the antagonist, repetitively really minor thing, but 'repetitively' kind of means 'repeating something so often it becomes irritating,' as in, 'he repetitively asked me to buy him Maccas for lunch' whereas 'repeatedly' means 'doing something multiple times,' and it's this second definition that seems to fit the context better here claims that “I (she) when modifying quotes, the three rules you have to abide by are:
a) make the grammar of the quote fit your sentence (which you've kind of done)
b) use square brackets to insert any words you need (which you've kind of done - just need to be squarer :P)
and
c) delete any words that need replacing.
So rather than saying 'she claims that "I [she] saw" something' --> you can instead just say --> 'she claims that "[she] saw" something,' which is way more grammatical than doubling up on pronouns by adding information but not deleting any saw…” you should probably fill in the blank here, even if you're not quoting. What is it that Abigail says she saw, exactly? (I know, and your teacher likely knows too, but you have to demonstrate that knowledge to the both of us), emphasising her blatant lying and rejection of Puritan morals. The hysterical fear of witches and supernatural events existing in Salem perpetuates Abigail’s lies, debunking Salem’s justice system demonstrated through the ironic stage direction ironic in what way? I like that you're going from an argumentative point about the thematic notion of hysteria into a discussion of evidence, but the link need to be a bit clearer here of Abigail’s “Ecstatic cries” as she condemns innocent people. This mirrors American 1950s McCarthyism, where suspected communists were blacklisted unless they named other people guilty of communistic views. As the curtain falls, morally strong-minded Rebecca Nurse is left alone on stage illustrating the moral weaknesses of other characters being swept up in the mass hallucination. Thus, highlighting SLIGHT TANGENT HERE --If you'll indulge this nerdy linguist for just a moment... what you've got here is an incomplete sentence, or more specifically, a FRAGMENTED SENTENCE
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v90/scatteredellipse/shock.gif)
...but it's okay! We can fix it!! First, let me explain what this means.
Every sentence has to have a 'thing' it's focusing on (known as the 'topic' or main noun of the sentence,) and then a 'thing' that happens (known as the action or main verb of a sentence.) There can be other information too, but that stuff has to be there and it has to be in that exact order of 'noun thing' + 'verb action.' That's why I can say something like:
My uncle went to the shops
but not:
Went my uncle to the shops.

You can begin a sentence with a verb, but it won't be the main verb of a sentence. For example:
Following my recent fight with my friend, she decided to ditch me.
^See how the 'focus' of the sentence is that she decided to do something, not that it 'followed my recent fight with her?' That's because all the other stuff is just optional, additional info. The core of the sentence is that main topic+action combination.

If a sentence is missing either its topic or its action, it's not a complete sentence (i.e. = a fragmented sentence.)

Now let's look at what you've written:

'Thus highlighting how the disorder can affect the community.'
(I'm simplifying the last bit, but you get the idea.)
So now that this is taken out of context, you might already be able to see how it feels a bit incomplete. That's because we've got the main verb of the sentence, 'highlighting,' but there's no main noun or topic! :O
Compare this to:
- This highlights how the disorder can affect the community
- Thus, the playwright highlights how the disorder can affect the community
- By highlighting how the disorder can affect the community, the author suggests that instability is dangerous

^Now we've got some complete sentences.

But the pattern of writing a linking word (eg. 'Therefore...' 'Thus...' 'Hence...' etc.) and a verb (eg. 'suggesting...' 'implying...' 'highlighting...') at the start of sentences is a very common trap for students, so keep an eye out for these kinds of sentences so you can remind yourself to stick a 'topic' in there before the verb, or else reword the sentence to make it  more grammatical :)  how the mass psychogenic disorder pervading through the community can destabilise and corrupt the community.

<link to previous discussion?>The minority becomes scapegoats in order to satisfy a corrupt individual’s thirst for political power. Abigail, in a desperate attempt to escape suspicion for “call(ing) the Devil”, targets Tituba, who is unable to defend herself properly due to her cultural and language barriers, displayed in her syntactic the syntax of her dialogue “I don’t compact with no devil”. The double negative paradoxically has Tituba confessing to her crime and be ‘scapegoated’ by Abigail’s ‘snowballing’ of lies. Miller alludes to the communist hunt in 1950s America whereby power hungry individual’s <-- no apostrophe here attack the minority through accusations of communism to further their political power slight repetition here: 'power hungry people seek to further political power; hence power is transferred to power hungry people' :P Some synonyms would help a lot. Hence, power is wrongly transferred word check - what do you mean by 'transferred?' Where is it transferred from? Who is transferring it? Not sure this is the right word to describe this concept to power hungry individuals with no interest for the community, causing justice to be manipulated and distorted. 

Political tension can cause domestic suffering and household politics to be altered. see above regarding linking paragraphs The setting of John’s house “is the low, dark, and rather long living- room of time”. The lighting of the Proctor household displays the tension present, reinforcing the diminishing of John’s power to maintain domestic peace. Good stuff! The fear of witches in Salem, no comma here inflicts pressure on John and with the tension present in the Proctor household resulting in his angry outburst that he “comes into court when I (he) comes home.” The metaphor you need to explain this metaphor further. What does he mean when he says he 'comes into court' - what does this metaphorically represent? Again, I know what you're referring to, but I'm not meant to do any of the work here :) Spell it out within your essay, and then I/your assessor will have no choice but to give you marks demonstrates the degradation of love and trust within the household as well as emotional suffering.  This is directly linked to America’s McCarthyism, where allegations of “reds under the beds” eventually leads to broken relationships does it? How so? Hence political tension can degrade household politics. Structurally, the paragraph is pretty sound, but you could use a bit more evidence to support yourself. Resting your entire argument on a single character's outburst makes things a but unstable.

In Miller’s The Crucible, the political events of Salem and McCarthyism trials are represented, portraying the mass psychogenic disorder the people experienced. Thus illustrating the author illustrates... (another fragmented sentence here; same structure as before with the linking word + verb) the negative impact of individuals perceiving their own ideology as a result of a repressed theological society. Good ending.

Overall, a very strong discussion with some decent arguments - you seem to be really well-suited to a text like The Crucible with so many interesting socio-historical ties.

Essay structure was a clear highlight here with a good balance of 'zooming in' to closely examine evidence and 'zooming out' to comment on the broader significance of textual details, and you seemed to know what to do at the right moments. Just try to make sure your para conclusions are targeting the prompt as clearly as possible.

There were also a few instances when the connection between your examples and your ideas could've been made more obvious, and since this is a relatively short essay at the moment, you could also afford to add a few more examples in just to make your points a bit stronger.

& watch out for those fragmented sentences! Let me know if that explanation didn't make sense and I'm happy to clear up any uncertainties :)

Happy studying everyone!
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: brenden on February 16, 2016, 03:48:18 pm
snip
You're too gracious. I'll do standard and Extension 1 okies so don't do that just in case you were going to
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: Happy Physics Land on February 17, 2016, 12:12:06 pm
Hope ya'll don't mind this VCE-er crashing your thread to scrawl in red all over your essays :3
Tis the least we can do for those aboard the AN bandwagon, especially people as helpful as yourself.
Comments in the spoiler :)
Spoiler
“Discovery can affirm or challenge societal assumptions and beliefs about aspects of human experience and the world” How does this quote represent your own understanding of discovery? In your response, make detailed reference to your prescribed text and at least ONE other related text of your choosing.

Discovery – necessarily involving the overcoming of obstacles and recognition to greater human potentials –often challenges popular social assumptions through renewed perceptions towards the reality of remote circumstances and confronting human experiences. excellent opening sentence. This notion is explored in Simon Nasht’s documentary Frank Hurley: the Man who Made History (2004). This documentary which illustrates the magnificence and danger of Antarctica and the atrocity of World War I, hence depicting an alternative reality of these events for a contemporary audience. Similarly, Markus Zusak’s novel The Messenger I approve of this choice :D Awesome book (2002) affirms the social expectations singular, since I believe you're just talking about the one here(?) that for teenagers, life can be unfulfilling but through determined actions and self-actualisation, expectation as in, our own expepctations? Or societal expectations? You could afford to be more specific here can be challenged and become more realistic. Overall, strong intro, and you've forged a decent link between the set texts.

Hurley’s far-reaching human <--bit redundant experience during the Shackleton Expedition challenges the society’s assumption of Antarctica being an unknown, lifeless and barren land through illustrating the continent’s magnificent force of nature. Excellent topic sentence. These paradigms are challenged synonym? This is the kind of word that's likely to come up often, so having some alternatives up your sleeve would be useful through Hurley’s iconic composite photography, stimulating new worlds and possibilities. The Shackleton voyage took place between 1914 and 1917 with the intention to cross Antarctica from pole to pole. The Polar historian, Steve Martin’s description of the exploration through the biblical imagery “place of the gods is taken … incredible forces of nature” depicts both the transcendent nature of the discovery which challenges the societal perception of Antarctica as a land of emptiness and insignificance. As an outcome of the Shackleton Voyage, Hurley reaches an epiphany and discovers that the extreme weather of Antarctica, the force of nature and his human encounters constitute to expression(??) Are you trying to say that these things combine to form valuable parts of his photography? If so, 'constitute' doesn't really fit the sentence here. If not, I'm not sure what you're saying exactly valuable components of his photography. This idea is expressed through Hurley’s metaphorical celebration of “something that was gold dust” which reflects the unexpected discovery of the fascinating world around him. So how do you know this discovery is valuable to him based on that quote? The connection might be obvious to you, but being even more explicit would be really good here (i.e. the fact that 'gold dust' implies fine, intrinsic value, etc.) Moreover, during the emotional interview with the daughters, the close-up shot of their mourning expression and the sobbing tone “how they found a place to camp is beyond me” this quote isn't really integrated properly. If I were to take out the quotation marks here, it wouldn't really be grammatical, which tells you that you need to do more to make this fir challenges the society’s unless you're going to specify a society (eg. 1970's America; contemporary Australia, the middle ages, etc.) it'd be better to just say 'society' in general  assumption that mankind cannot exist in Antarctica and endure under such a harsh environment. Overall, the documentary presents confronting experiences unveiling the timeless interaction between mankind and nature and how there is usually a re-evaluation of societal assumptions for a modern audience.
This is really nit-picky, but this sentence isn't really grammatical even though I know exactly what you're saying. Basically, we've got two core points here, and if we reverse the order, you'll see why they don't quite fit:
1. The documentary presents confronting experiences unveiling the link between mankind and nature, and how there is usually a revaluation of assumptions. (~simplifying a bit here)
2. The documentary presents how there is usually a revaluation of assumptions and confronting experiences unveiling the link between mankind and nature. ???

If this sentence were grammatical, I should be able to swap these components around, and everything would be fine. See:
1. The documentary suggests that art is really cool, and that the audience should take up painting.
2. The documentary suggests that the audience should take up painting, and that art is really cool.

But because you've got the verb 'presents' here, which doesn't quite gel with the second constituent ('how there is usually a revaluation...') it makes the whole things sound just a little bit off.

Admittedly it's the kind of thing most assessors would just ignore and skim over, but tidying up these little syntactic inconsistencies can make a difference to your quality of writing overall.

The personal and historical ramifications of Hurley’s emotional and psychological try not to split hairs unecessarily; your first divide: 'personal and historical' is valid, but this second one is a tad redundant. Is there a difference between an emotional disclosure and a psychological one? disclosure of life’s fragility during World War I offered a transformed societal perception towards the recording of human atrocity. An example of these ramifications is revealed through Hurley’s daunting simile when he describes how the war is“It’s like passing through the Valley of Death for no-one knows when the shell will lob”. <-- notice how I've integrated that quote now such that if you removed the quotation marks, it'd still fit the sentence? This in conjunction with the photographs of dead mutilated soldier in mud presents the devastating nature of war and consequences of human destruction. Hereby Hence, 1900s society’s the society of the 1900s' perception of war as a glorious event of courage? is effectively subverted. The emotional and psychological discoveries have led lead to the transformation within Hurley, from an objective war correspondent to an artist who desires to convey his understanding of the heroism within the soldiers when facing the devastation of war. The unbearable circumstance he disclosed for himself, expression - I'm not sure what you mean by 'disclosed' in this context? as illustrated through the frightening military imagery of there being a body “every twenty paces or less lay a body … covered with mud and slime” which has generated his intention to transcend the limitation of shots and create photographs. Consequently, through incorporating an extreme long shot to depict the vulnerability of the soldiers who are exposed under the attack of the planes, Hurley’s composite photograph portrays the soldiers’ courage in wars despite the observed danger. This effectively promotes a sense of heroism within them which cannot be achieved through factual photographs. Therefore, the power of composite imageries to illustrate the horrors of war challenges the importance of an objective analysis, signifying the importance of a subjective perspective to heighten the atrocity of war and confront the 1900s cultural belief of war as glorious. Freakin' awesome paragraph closer - there's not a thing about this I would change; you've done a great job zooming out after successfully building up your evidence over the previous sentences - great job!

Similarly, in The Messenger (2002), the protagonist Ed Kennedy subverts society’s assumptions towards underachieving teenagers through his transformative self-actualisation after accomplishing a series of confronting physical disclosures okay, this word definitely doesn't fit here. What exactly are you referring to? Physical tasks/challenges?. This is illustrated through the juxtaposition between in the representations of Ed in the establishing and final chapter. Preliminarily, Ed is displayed as an incompetent teenager whose doomed life simply involves cab driving and card games through the truncated sentences “No real career. No respect in the community. Nothing”. The repetition of “no” depicts a sense of hollowness in Ed’s life and affirms the assumption that real occupational world can be unfulfilling. EXCELLENT! You've got some quotes and metalanguage to describe what's going on in the text, but more impressively, you've been able to link this up with the intended meaning and overall significance!!! This is one of the best examples of this I've seen in an essay, and I've read a lot of essays :P Well done! However, his commencement on the Ace of Diamonds okay, I know what you're referring to because I've read the text, but if you said this to someone who hadn't you could understand how they might be confused. I think it's worth having maybe half a sentence of explanation about the significance of the different cards and notes just so your reader doesn't get lost here has led leads to discoveries of his hidden potentials, such as his ability to deal with the dilemma on the Edgar Street, heal people’s scars with happiness and encourage others to achieve beyond their abilities. In addition, Ed’s alternative method to punish the rapist instead of killing him is a spiritual landmark significant indicative of Ed’s enlightenment. The symbolism of the trigger in the quote “A moment of peace shatters me and I pull the trigger” represents Ed’s transition from a mundane, 19-years-old taxi driver to a hero who is ambitious, helpful and competent. In the last chapter of The Messenger, the spiritually meaningful outcomes have led Ed into becoming to become (though the expression is a bit simple here; instead of 'led to become,' consider something like 'engenders' or 'induces him to become...') a totally different person. Through the short but powerful closing sentence “I am not the messenger. I am the message”, Ed challenges for a popular-culture audience the society’s ignorance towards underachieving teenagers should be more like 'Ed challenges the ignorance of popular culture and society towards underachieving teenagers' by revealing his power to positively impact upon other’s lives and his capability to achieve beyond his potential. Overall, try not to overuse this as a paragraph conclusion; there are lots of other linking words like 'thus...' and 'ultimately' which would also work here through Ed’s contributive achievements either 'contributions' or 'achievements' would be fine here which are outcomes of his renewed understanding of his values, societal assumptions towards human experiences are effectively challenged.

Overall see above, both texts effectively portray the immense power of discovery to transform an individual’s perception towards social beliefs about human experience and the world. Through Frank Hurley: The Man who Made History, contemporary responders are enlightened with Hurley’s passion as an artistic photographer and this challenges societal beliefs about these composite imageries as being merely commodities. Similarly, the ramifications of Ed’s unexpected self-discovery in The Messenger has significantly transformed his life and confronted societal assumptions towards underachieving teenagers. good, functional conclusion, but I think there's room for you to do more than just sum up your points here. Ultimately, you're not going to lose marks for ending on a note like this, but you're not going to be gaining any marks either, so it's kind of a missed opportunity. Instead, try to zoom out and say something about the nature of discovery using both of these texts as your springboard, so that you can end by looking at discover as a whole, rather than relating the prompt to both texts in isolation.

So, to sum up, there are some really standout moments of top quality analysis here, and you've clearly got a lot of confidence in talking about the texts.

I think you could certainly work on your comparative skills though; dealing with the texts in their own paragraphs is perfectly fine, and it means you can explore relevant ideas without having to constantly flip back and forth between each one, but if you never talk about them together until the final bit of the conclusion, it makes it seem as though there aren't many viable links between them.

This actually ties in with a bigger point about argumentation. You've argued a lot of awesome points about the connection between Hurley and the idea of discovery, but when dealing with 'The Messenger,' you seem to conclude on the idea of societal expectations as they pertain to teenagers/underachievers which, whilst valid, is a little bit limiting and doesn't really showcase your or the text's potential. Spending some time just forging links between your two texts and then building out to ideas about discovery would be really valuable, I think.

Look at it like this - if the aim of your discovery module is to serve me up a delicious chocolate cake, and you serve me up one plain vanilla sponge cake on one plate and a big block of chocolate on the other... I'm not going to be too happy. I mean, I'll eat them both... but it'll be under duress  >:(

Instead, you should be aiming to produce an outcome which would not be possible with just some ingredients on their own. You can't make a chocolate cake with the ingredients for a vanilla sponge, nor can you make it with a block of chocolate alone. Your arguments about discovery should be like chocolate cake, and you need to combine BOTH texts to reach this goal.

So, if you're following my metaphor, what you've got at the moment is three paragraphs worth of delicious sponge cake, and one paragraph of tempting chocolate, but it's that final challenge of combination that you'll now have to reckon with. Don't compromise the quality of your analysis though, because that's clearly a strong point for you. But perhaps see if you could integrate a bit of each text into every paragraph, or at least have one of your bodies exploring some connections in more detail. That way, you'll be able to 'zoom out' and say things about discovery that wouldn't have otherwise been possible without the input of both textual reference points.

Other than that, really awesome job so far. Good luck with it all!
Hey man, feel free to post redrafts and other essays here! There'll always be someone happy to help out. :)

With regards to changing your texts, I'd definitely consult with your teacher further and see if she reckons your text is the kind of one you just need to deal with very carefully to make sure you're bringing those 'ambiguities' to the surface and explaining them clearly, or whether she thinks it's one that's better ditched and left alone because it'd be too much work.

I'm with you in that it seems to suit your discussion well and sheds some slightly different light on what would otherwise be a fairly straightforward discussion of certain facets of discovery, but perhaps this is your teacher's way of telling you 'you're going to have a tough time this year dealing with certain prompts and ideas,' so I'd probably give more credence to her opinion than mine :P Did you have any other texts in mind, or are there any particular texts you might consider? Ideally you'll be able to find one that deals with similar ideas in a less ambiguous way. Let me know what you're looking for and I might be able to suggest some.


@MemeKing, feedback below:
Spoiler
Body 1:  Hurley

The mutability of truth renders 'means that' or 'makes' would be more accurate here. You've got enough complex words going on in this sentence, and 'renders' is not quite right (-it tends to be used in the context of 'eliminating all other options,' as in, 'My ATAR rendered me unable to attend university.' It's kind of like the verb 'left,' as in, 'She was left/rendered crying by the phone waiting for it to ring' if that makes sense?) discovery pivotal in order for us to appreciate otherwise ephemeral aspects of value.  The subjective feature of truth is confronted in the composite nature of Hurley’s work.  The notion that Hurley’s photographs are “amongst the most valuable ever taken” is a perspective that Nasht attempts to convey to his contemporary audience in Frank Hurley in order for us to discover aspects of value in his work that have been blurred by the ambiguity of truth.  Hurley’s “concoctions” lie in him seeing “a gulf between what he saw and what he captured” and thus provokes his transition into being a “master of illusions”.  Hurley’s “outright fakes” were attempted to be reconciled expression - this makes it sound like the fakes were trying to reconcile themselves ??? through Nasht’s quadtriptychs that endeavored to justify So this sentence is saying Hurley's fakes were reconciled through the quadtriptychs that tried to justify his "dalliance"? I'm a little lost here; what is the textual evidence demonstrating, exactly. At the moment, you're cramming a bit too much information into these sentences Hurley’s “dalliance with the truth”.  This juxtaposition was is --keep a consistent present tense when talking about things the author/director does edited through the documentary in order to demonstrate that by discovering Hurley’s intention behind these “grand illusions”, could we could then appreciate otherwise lost aspects of value.  Nasht’s then evocative zoom into the cyclical auction house emphasizing the “$100,000” portrays the value of his “forgotten work” that had now proved to be popular “in a world searching for hero’s no apostrophe here”. Thus, Nasht critiques the momentum of time expression that renders Hurley’s works “fake”, and thus conveys that only through discovery can we appreciate Hurley’s “grand illusions”.

Body 2:  Hurley

Man’s continual pursuit for discovery manifests brings about? not sure what you're going for here the irony regarding human identity, allowing individuals to transcend their failures through art.  Throughout Frank Hurley, Nasht portrays Hurley’s intellectual discoveries that ultimately catalyses his ability to perpetuate a desired self-image.  This provokes the need to transcend himself past a “mere photographer,” utilizing his “elaborate concoctions” in order to attain a nirvana in which his fallacy of a “grand illusionist” may be adhered to.  As Hurley discovered, he realized he could not “capture his works on a single frame”, and the frustrated tone of the narrator resonates with Hurley’s inherent failures that provokes him to seek alternative methods to let his work be known.  Through this journey of self-discovery, Nasht portrays Hurley as a “tireless photographer” that sees his intellectual inability lead him through “drinking melting ice” and “eating raw seal meat” that slight repetition in sentence structure within this point conveys his seemingly endless journeys in attempting to discover what may make his work timeless. some great analysis going on here; this is much improved from your earlier drafts :) Nasht then reconciles the ephemeral existence of Hurley’s photographers through the title of “an inventor”, stating how Hurley is going to “make the photographers”.  Nasht engages this with a montage of composite images in order to portray Hurley’s affiliation as an “inventor”, emphasizing his ability to transcend himself through “manipulations”.  Although plagued by the momentum of time, Nasht demonstrates how Hurley’s intellectual discoveries can redefine his existence and transcend Hurley’s inherent inadequacies through art. V. good paragraph; watch out for expression errors, but other than that, good use of evidence.

Body 3:  Black Swan [Relating Hurley’s Body 2]

Discovering the desire for perfection examines involves an examination of the duality in human identity, implying that insanity is possible in a search for perfection, even death why does this imply insanity and death are possible? I'm not following the logic here.  Aronofsky depicts man’s continual pursuit for discovery in Black Swan through the protagonist Nina’s transcendence into the “black swan” that leads her to surpass her failures.  Nina’s goal is to dance both the roles of the “white” and “black” swan however she does not possess the “dark passion” required to “balance the opposing characters of good and evil”.  In the light of this discovery, Aronofsky portrays the dichotomy of black and white in the film as a reoccurring motif that demonstrates the “corruption” slowly delving into the protagonists mind leading her further into insanity.  The illusion that Nina experienced pulling a “feather” from her skin depicts her evolution as the metaphor portrays her transcendence to the “darkness” she needed for the “black swan”.  Much like Hurley’s ability to transcend himself through his “elaborate concoctions”, Nina is finally able to transcend herself I love that there's an overt connection between the texts here, but to 'transcend oneself' isn't really the most accurate way to phrase this in the context of the plot in the final scene as she “bleeds black”, “killing herself” onstage in attempts an attempt to achieve “perfection”.  Through this scene, Aronofsky conveys that darkness was a cost from the plight for perfection that concluded with “suicidal death” and that Nina the “White swan” was metaphorically “set free” the more she discovered the “shadow within”.  Hence, both Nasht’s and Aronofsky’s texts mutually explore the irony of human identity, portraying man’s pursuit to transcend their failures through art. Excellent para conclusion!

There's so much improvement here from your earlier pieces; the connection between evidence and ideas is way stronger, and it seems like there's greater clarity in your understanding of the set text, so well done. There were a few moments where your expression impeded clarity a bit and I couldn't quite work out what you were insinuating, so just keep an eye on your word choices (but again, keep varying your vocab so you can uncover these concerns - they're already getting less frequent, which is also a sign of improvement) & make sure you're not repeating vocab or sentence structures too much.

Let us know if you have any further questions! :)

@summerxyingshi, feedback below:
Spoiler
What are the individual political perspectives, ideas, events or situations of the community? How are these represented?
In your response examine context, characterisation, theme, the process of analogy and allusion, motif, tone, structure, language, the use of drama as a political instrument. In your response, refer to The Crucible.


Political consequences can occur as a result of individuals pursuing their own ideology in a confining theological society. V. good opening sentence. You're talking about abstract ideas, but you're still doing so in a way that hints at the key notions in the prompt, which is awesome! This is represented in Arthur Miller’s 1953 drama, The Crucible which recounts the political event of the 17th Century Salem Witch Hunts. Miller uses the allegory of the town of Salem to criticise the 1950s, <-- no comma needed here American McCarthyism trials whereby individuals feared (keep the tense consistent; you're talking about an event in the '50s, so it's pretty safe to use past tense) blinded the people’s true intentions and morals.

The Crucible portrays through the Salem witch trials, that Okay, idea-wise, I get what you're conveying, but the sentence structure is a little bit weird here. First of all, the word 'portrays' is a great one for describing how an author presents evidence (e.g. 'Miller portrays the damage of Abigail's lies' or 'The playwright portrays the hysteria of the town') but you can't really use it in the context of portraying a message (e.g. 'Miller portrays that Abigail is a liar' or 'The playwright portrays that the town is hysterical' ~~both of those sound a little clunky.) If those last two sound okay to you, it's probably because your use of the word 'portrays' isn't quite aligned with the correct grammatical use of the word. To give you a clearer example of why this sounds odd, think of a word like 'argues.' You can say 'Miller argues that hysteria can be damaging,' but you can't say 'Miller argues the damage of hysteria' - it just doesn't sound right with that verb choice.
The other thing you've done here is split the sentence a bit, which can work well in some contexts, but isn't ideal in a topic sentence where you want to be prioritising clarity. So instead of saying (The author argues) (through this piece of evidence) (that this idea is true,) you instead want to get that middle bit outside the core of the sentence, and have it either at the beginning, like so: (Through this piece of evidence,) (the author argues) (this idea to be true) or at the end, as in: (The author argues) (this idea to be true,) (as seen in this piece of evidence.) To take the first one as an example, that would give us something more like 'Through the frenzy of the Salem witch trials, Miller suggests that mass hysteria can skew... etc.' Make sense? :) mass hysteria can skew an individual’s morals furthering political instability. Abigail, the antagonist, repetitively really minor thing, but 'repetitively' kind of means 'repeating something so often it becomes irritating,' as in, 'he repetitively asked me to buy him Maccas for lunch' whereas 'repeatedly' means 'doing something multiple times,' and it's this second definition that seems to fit the context better here claims that “I (she) when modifying quotes, the three rules you have to abide by are:
a) make the grammar of the quote fit your sentence (which you've kind of done)
b) use square brackets to insert any words you need (which you've kind of done - just need to be squarer :P)
and
c) delete any words that need replacing.
So rather than saying 'she claims that "I [she] saw" something' --> you can instead just say --> 'she claims that "[she] saw" something,' which is way more grammatical than doubling up on pronouns by adding information but not deleting any saw…” you should probably fill in the blank here, even if you're not quoting. What is it that Abigail says she saw, exactly? (I know, and your teacher likely knows too, but you have to demonstrate that knowledge to the both of us), emphasising her blatant lying and rejection of Puritan morals. The hysterical fear of witches and supernatural events existing in Salem perpetuates Abigail’s lies, debunking Salem’s justice system demonstrated through the ironic stage direction ironic in what way? I like that you're going from an argumentative point about the thematic notion of hysteria into a discussion of evidence, but the link need to be a bit clearer here of Abigail’s “Ecstatic cries” as she condemns innocent people. This mirrors American 1950s McCarthyism, where suspected communists were blacklisted unless they named other people guilty of communistic views. As the curtain falls, morally strong-minded Rebecca Nurse is left alone on stage illustrating the moral weaknesses of other characters being swept up in the mass hallucination. Thus, highlighting SLIGHT TANGENT HERE --If you'll indulge this nerdy linguist for just a moment... what you've got here is an incomplete sentence, or more specifically, a FRAGMENTED SENTENCE
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v90/scatteredellipse/shock.gif)
...but it's okay! We can fix it!! First, let me explain what this means.
Every sentence has to have a 'thing' it's focusing on (known as the 'topic' or main noun of the sentence,) and then a 'thing' that happens (known as the action or main verb of a sentence.) There can be other information too, but that stuff has to be there and it has to be in that exact order of 'noun thing' + 'verb action.' That's why I can say something like:
My uncle went to the shops
but not:
Went my uncle to the shops.

You can begin a sentence with a verb, but it won't be the main verb of a sentence. For example:
Following my recent fight with my friend, she decided to ditch me.
^See how the 'focus' of the sentence is that she decided to do something, not that it 'followed my recent fight with her?' That's because all the other stuff is just optional, additional info. The core of the sentence is that main topic+action combination.

If a sentence is missing either its topic or its action, it's not a complete sentence (i.e. = a fragmented sentence.)

Now let's look at what you've written:

'Thus highlighting how the disorder can affect the community.'
(I'm simplifying the last bit, but you get the idea.)
So now that this is taken out of context, you might already be able to see how it feels a bit incomplete. That's because we've got the main verb of the sentence, 'highlighting,' but there's no main noun or topic! :O
Compare this to:
- This highlights how the disorder can affect the community
- Thus, the playwright highlights how the disorder can affect the community
- By highlighting how the disorder can affect the community, the author suggests that instability is dangerous

^Now we've got some complete sentences.

But the pattern of writing a linking word (eg. 'Therefore...' 'Thus...' 'Hence...' etc.) and a verb (eg. 'suggesting...' 'implying...' 'highlighting...') at the start of sentences is a very common trap for students, so keep an eye out for these kinds of sentences so you can remind yourself to stick a 'topic' in there before the verb, or else reword the sentence to make it  more grammatical :)  how the mass psychogenic disorder pervading through the community can destabilise and corrupt the community.

<link to previous discussion?>The minority becomes scapegoats in order to satisfy a corrupt individual’s thirst for political power. Abigail, in a desperate attempt to escape suspicion for “call(ing) the Devil”, targets Tituba, who is unable to defend herself properly due to her cultural and language barriers, displayed in her syntactic the syntax of her dialogue “I don’t compact with no devil”. The double negative paradoxically has Tituba confessing to her crime and be ‘scapegoated’ by Abigail’s ‘snowballing’ of lies. Miller alludes to the communist hunt in 1950s America whereby power hungry individual’s <-- no apostrophe here attack the minority through accusations of communism to further their political power slight repetition here: 'power hungry people seek to further political power; hence power is transferred to power hungry people' :P Some synonyms would help a lot. Hence, power is wrongly transferred word check - what do you mean by 'transferred?' Where is it transferred from? Who is transferring it? Not sure this is the right word to describe this concept to power hungry individuals with no interest for the community, causing justice to be manipulated and distorted. 

Political tension can cause domestic suffering and household politics to be altered. see above regarding linking paragraphs The setting of John’s house “is the low, dark, and rather long living- room of time”. The lighting of the Proctor household displays the tension present, reinforcing the diminishing of John’s power to maintain domestic peace. Good stuff! The fear of witches in Salem, no comma here inflicts pressure on John and with the tension present in the Proctor household resulting in his angry outburst that he “comes into court when I (he) comes home.” The metaphor you need to explain this metaphor further. What does he mean when he says he 'comes into court' - what does this metaphorically represent? Again, I know what you're referring to, but I'm not meant to do any of the work here :) Spell it out within your essay, and then I/your assessor will have no choice but to give you marks demonstrates the degradation of love and trust within the household as well as emotional suffering.  This is directly linked to America’s McCarthyism, where allegations of “reds under the beds” eventually leads to broken relationships does it? How so? Hence political tension can degrade household politics. Structurally, the paragraph is pretty sound, but you could use a bit more evidence to support yourself. Resting your entire argument on a single character's outburst makes things a but unstable.

In Miller’s The Crucible, the political events of Salem and McCarthyism trials are represented, portraying the mass psychogenic disorder the people experienced. Thus illustrating the author illustrates... (another fragmented sentence here; same structure as before with the linking word + verb) the negative impact of individuals perceiving their own ideology as a result of a repressed theological society. Good ending.

Overall, a very strong discussion with some decent arguments - you seem to be really well-suited to a text like The Crucible with so many interesting socio-historical ties.

Essay structure was a clear highlight here with a good balance of 'zooming in' to closely examine evidence and 'zooming out' to comment on the broader significance of textual details, and you seemed to know what to do at the right moments. Just try to make sure your para conclusions are targeting the prompt as clearly as possible.

There were also a few instances when the connection between your examples and your ideas could've been made more obvious, and since this is a relatively short essay at the moment, you could also afford to add a few more examples in just to make your points a bit stronger.

& watch out for those fragmented sentences! Let me know if that explanation didn't make sense and I'm happy to clear up any uncertainties :)

Happy studying everyone!

Hey Lauren:

May I please just say, that my teacher would have never given me these precious feedbacks that you have given me in such great detail. I really really appreciate this because it tells me exactly what I need to improve on for each part. It must have taken you an incredible amount of time to mark my essay and I just cant express how to grateful I am towards this. Thank you Lauren for making it so easy for me to understand my flaws!!!!

Best Regards
Happy Physics Land
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: achelray on February 18, 2016, 11:55:48 pm
Hi this was an essay my teacher wanted as a 'final copy' but I'm not completely happy with it. Can you please tell me what I need to work on - I did try to link better but I don't know if it is better. Any help is very much appreciated thank you.

It is through Eliot’s rhetoric we better understand the human mind.

Eliot’s rhetoric allows readers to further grasp and shape their comprehension of context. In doing so, Eliot aids readers in gaining a better understanding of humanity and its psychological and internal state of mind. Works of Eliot, such as ‘The Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock’, ‘Preludes’ and ‘Rhapsody on a windy night’ explore the themes of emotions, internal isolation, rise of urbanisation and its consequences. Each poem engendered within a vast, distinct context, contributing to a stronger understanding of how Eliot utilises time and place in his poetry to shape the reader's’ understanding of context.


The context sets the tone for the reader. Eliot’s works are known to stir a morbid, depressed feeling within readers. This is due to the reality Eliot explores through urban lifestyle and how it adds to the meaninglessness of life within society. ‘The Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock’, said to be the first poem Eliot wrote in 1910-1911, explores the internal isolation and instillment of inferiority through the soliloquy of the persona adopted by Prufrock in a society that does not notice him. Although the title ‘The Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock’ suggests and expresses a romantic aura in accordance with the noun “love”, Eliot ironically relates nothing to the euphoric, giddy, nervous feeling of “love”. This in turn portrays to the audience that there is a possibility he is too shy to speak openly and freely, although Eliot portrays Prufrock as a recreant figure. Contrary to his faintheart, there were moments when he nearly overcomes his immense fear of rejection when he rhetorically asks, “Do I dare?”. However, although acknowledging the women, he is being entranced by trivial pleasures like coffee and peaches that the audience is led to believe whether or not he truly is in love or if it is just attraction or lust. As pointed out by critic Mutlu Konuk Blasing, “The poem is a dramatic monologue a mimesis of speech…”, further frames the persona of Prufrock and his internal isolation and instillment of inferiority through the perpetual context of a meaningless society. Eliot explores through the persona of Prufrock an emotionally detached personality as seen in the lines of, “In the room the women come and go/ Talking of Michelangelo.” This starts the process of which Prufrock starts to feel intimidated adding to the fusion of emotion as stated by Eliot himself in his essay ‘Tradition and the Individual Talent’ in which the context of an ordinary modern man experiences inferiority and faces despair of life as he is not a “Michelangelo”. The quote “For I have known the eyes already, known them all-/ The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,” further exploits the persona’s confidence diminishing having being surrounded by women who do not cast a single glance his way. Prufrock asking rhetorical questions, “To wonder, ‘Do I date?’” and “Do I dare?”, reinforces the idea of the internal isolation he is experiencing to the audience in his soliloquy. Thus reestablishes the internal state of inferiority which sets the morbid tone underpinning the context of when urban life highlighted the meaningless of life in society.


‘Preludes’, the title can be viewed by the audience as ironic, such as ‘The Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock’ and ‘Rhapsody on a Windy Night’ as it creates expectations about the poem’s contents that are not fulfilled. The context of Eliot's Preludes conveys the mundane and repetitive nature of lives in the modern, urban world. The poem itself consists of four descriptions of urban life at different times of the day. Within this day the dreariness and futility of human existence is highlighted. One critic in particular, J.Hillis Miller stated, “Space must be exterior to the self if movement through it is to be more than the following of a tedious argument in the mind.” which accentuates the mind and how Eliot explores the mind in the human existence through his poems. The first prelude “evening settles down” depicts a rainy, windswept evening that seems to educe that dreary feel of the day's end, especially with the imagery of strewn newspapers as leftover, unwanted rubbish. The monotonous rain beating down together along with the rhymes “passageways - days”, “wraps - scraps” and “lots -pots” where the repetitive 's' endings adds a sense of dullness and weariness to the prelude. The broad descriptive language accurately assists the audience in comprehending and shaping their understanding of context. The start of the third prelude portrays the dark early hours of the morning. In this section of the poem the persona begins to use 'you' in an almost authoritative tone. "You" in such a context, depicts one of the many “lifeless” people living in this hollowness society. As stated by T.S Eliot himself, “It may be formed out of one emotion, or may be a combination of several; and various feelings, inhering for the writer in particular words or phrases or images, may be added to compose the final result.”, which prominently addresses the consequences of urbanisation and therefore allows the audience to assemble a refined understanding of context and how it aids their understanding of tone within poetry.


Eliot’s works do not stray far from the inevitable timelessness that enables readers to understand a modern context. The poem ‘Rhapsody on a Windy Night’ explores themes of isolation and meaninglessness in society through the emotions of a single person. His journey involves going through a cross of reality and imagination as seen in, “Dissolve the floors of memory” disintegrating reality from hallucinations of the mind. As time goes by the person gets closer and closer to their breaking point expressed in the simile, “Beats like a fatalistic drum,” adding to the suspense of the inevitability of the person’s fate. Eliot successfully writes of events that the audience can relate to therefore instituting a greater understanding of context as it is easily relatable. The audience therefore gain a better understanding of poetry in the modern context as familiar emotions experienced by individuals are adopted by Eliot to bring to life “a new art emotion”. Critic Charles Altieri from the Department of English at UC Berkeley, states, “Eliot experimented with modes of presenting and projecting desire more immediate and also more inherently social than the culturally dominant modes of linking affects to causal narratives. And in doing that he developed an abstract modern imaginative space radically new for English poetry.” which in turn enhanced the chance of the audience to read and reshape their understanding of a modern context. Throughout the poem, the lamp becomes known as the medium into which Eliot uses to reflect and represent what the person is thinking. “The street lamp sputtered,/ The street lamp muttered,” symbolises one losing their mind as their internal mind gears are “sputtering” and “muttering” also symbolising being overworked, almost as if it were weary and tired. However when repeated in stanza five, it is almost as if the lamp is becoming less easier to hear, coinciding with the fact that the person may be regaining consciousness and coming back to reality. This relates to the feeling of despair of life as the person who wandered the streets alone lead nowhere but where they started in which they finally reach a breaking point with their conjured emotions. This then exposes the audience to embrace and relate to a modern context which explores time and place within Eliot’s work.

In contrast to ‘Rhapsody on a Windy night’, ‘Hollow men’ has more biblical and historical references. However, both are similar in that emotion is essentially a key concept within both poems. As explained in T.S Eliot’s essay, “The experience you will notice, the elements which enter the presence of the transforming catalyst, are of two kinds: emotions and feelings.” The poem, ‘Hollow men’ brings to life religion through aspects of biblical references and epigraphs of other texts. This adds to the timelessness of Eliot’s poems as he adopts excerpts from other texts in doing so creates a piece of work that the audience is able to form an understanding of a modern context. ‘Hollow men’ explores the experience of being a part of the world as seen in, “Let me also wear/ Such deliberate disguises” as it symbolises the world as broken therefore ultimately links to despair about life as their hope is nothing but metaphorically “a fading star.” This loss of hope symbolises a religious allusion and reflects Jesus’ light as a sign of hope for the “Hollow men”. The audience can relate to this in their modern context as Eliot never fails to include familiar experiences to ensure they are able to fully understand. Essentially comparing the “empty men” to scarecrows as when they both burn, they end up as nothing but ashes - no different from each other which adds to the hollowness of the “hollow men”. In describing the men, the earth has also been described as a “hollow valley” as symbolised through the words, “prickly pear” reflecting the unsterile, waste, barren land. As critic Altieri explains, “his formal and thematic elements are woven into specific emotional configurations explored within the work,”. This reflects Eliot’s essay on ‘Tradition and the Individual talent’ as he states, “It may be formed out of one emotion or may be a combination of several, and various feelings controlled through our minds, inhering for the writer in particular words or phrases or images, may be added to compose the final result.”. Therefore successfully incorporates experiences and emotions of the audience, exploring how time and place are used by Eliot to form an understanding of context.


The timeless works of Eliot allows readers to further comprehend and shape their understanding of context. Thus, the audience can successfully embrace an insightful, informative and broad understanding of humanity and its psychological and internal state of mind. This can be seen in works of Eliot, such as ‘The Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock’, ‘Preludes’ and ‘Rhapsody on a windy night’ that explore the themes of internal isolation, rise of urbanisation and its consequences and emotions. Each poem dispenses a deep understanding of how time and place are used to shape a reader’s understanding of context.
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: gabriellav on February 20, 2016, 07:29:08 pm
Hi, i would love if you could mark by 5 mark response in regards to the practise paper 1 - discovery question. (I will attach the exam paper and also my response.) I am trying to make it as sophisticated as possible( need ideas with the vocabulary), yet have a clear flow. I would appreciate if you could help me achieve that.
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: brenden on February 20, 2016, 09:13:35 pm
snip
snip
snip
a note to bangali and lauren - these r mine ok thx
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: literally lauren on February 21, 2016, 12:33:01 pm
a note to bangali and lauren - these r mine ok thx
Well I do not respect the laws of dibs if I've already started marking stuff, and I was halfway through when I saw this, so fight me.
I'll just direct any complaints we get about giving too much feedback to you, okay?

Feedback for diiiiiiiii:
Spoiler
How has your appreciation of Pride and Prejudice been reshaped by the connections you have made with Letters to Alice on First Reading Jane Austen?

The content and construction of texts are intrinsically linked with the social and historical factors inherent in a composer’s contemporary context excellent opening sentence - this is nice and adaptable. Thus this is a great linking word, but stuff like 'thus'/'therefore'/'hence' work better towards the ends of paragraphs since they've got that 'summing-up' vibe about them. It seems a bit odd to have the very second sentence of your piece be a summative sounding sentence because of that linking word; basically try not to make it seem like you're drawing conclusions so soon. The intro is just for setting up ideas, so as much as I approve of your wanting to link sentences together, perhaps do so with a phrase like 'to this end' or 'accordingly' if you must, a comparative study of Jane Austen’s Regency social satire Pride and Prejudice (1813) and Fay Weldon’s postmodern epistolary novel Letters to Alice (1993) do you have to put the years here? That seems unnecessary to me, but perhaps your teacher prefers it as a genre convention or something. Otherwise, great quick descriptions of the two texts, demonstrates how the transition in context from 18th C make sure you write out the word 'century' here; don't just put 'C' Regency England to 20th C postmodern society engenders distinct values and attitudes.  Nonetheless, in light of shared authorial desire to examine attitudes towards marriage and theories of moral education, a comparative reappraisal elucidates new insights, enabling connections between texts to reshape and enrich appreciations of both texts. Great intro overall; you've set up a good, broad focus that'll let you flesh things out later, and you haven't focused too much on one text at the expense of another. Really awesome start!

Austen’s examination of relationships in Pride and Prejudice, supplemented by Weldon’s scrutiny of Regency feminist and post-feminist concerns, heightens the reader’s readers' (since you're talking about two texts here, it seems more grammatically natural to have the plural possessive) appreciation of contextual and authorial values regarding the institution of marriage. Critical of restrictions including the system of entailment which deprived women of financial autonomy, Austen condemns the economic imperative behind marriage and conversely endorses relationships founded on love and rationality very well constructed sentence; just try not to overdo this format where you have a phrase describing what the author does, followed by the name and main part of the sentence (e.g. 'Censuring the the patriarchal hegemony, Austen portrays her heroines as quietly determined and admirable...') Using it in moderation is good, but it can be temporarily confusing for your reader, which could be reflected in your mark if it's a persistent issue. ie. compare the previous sentence with: 'Austen censures the patriarchal hegemony by portraying her heroines as... etc.' <-- This one is a lot easier to read, even though they're both technically grammatical. However, through authorial intrusion I'm not sure intrusion is an appropriate word here given that it's Austen's text - how is it that she's intruding in her own novel?, Austen acknowledges the essentiality not a very common word. 'Necessity' would sound better here of mercenary unions for middle class women within her patriarchal society, with marriage being “the only honourable provision for well-educated young women of small fortune”. Employing the foil of Charlotte Lucas and Elizabeth Bennett, who subverts convention by seeking to marry on her “own terms”, Austen exposes and challenges the values underpinning the fabric of her society good link between textual evidence and authorial intent here, but what values is Austen challenging here, exactly? Specificity is always favoured in cases like these, so zooming in on particular concerns (eg. 'values of marriage and domesticity' or 'assumptions about the role of women and gendered limitations') would be a good idea. Charlotte’s pragmatic disposition, revealed through the matter-of-fact tone in her decree that “Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance”, emphasises her alignment with social conventions in marrying Mr Collins out of practicality “for the sole disinterested desire of an establishment” instead of a “general similarity of feeling and taste”. In response, Elizabeth’s emotive exclamatory comment “In every view it is unaccountable!” try to contextualise this quote a bit more - I'm not too sure what she's referring to here. What is 'it' in this sentence? I can infer from context, but it's not made clear in your writing which means, if I'm your assessor, I can't give you credit for it enables Austen to critique the reality of marital opportunities of her context as in, her social context? or within the context of the novel?, implicitly challenging the conventions which suppressed female autonomy in marriage. Reflecting the sentiment of contemporary thinker Mary Wollstonecraft - namely that marriages were a social contracts between two individuals - Austen employs the relationship of Elizabeth and Darcy to exemplify the ideal balance of reason and romance in marriage So we're a few sentences in, and I'm already starting to notice patterns in your sentence structure. This isn't a big deal as what you're writing is still mostly grammatical, but varying your syntax to the point where even a grammar nerd like me wouldn't notice the repetition would mean that the assessors would have no chance to find fault with the quality of your writing. I'm actually quite a fan of the structure you're using here (fun fact: it's called 'Left Dislocation' because you're taking a phrase out of the sentence and sticking it out the front (or the 'leftmost' point of the sentence) as a bit of a preamble, ie. 'Challenging the traditional notions of femininity, Austen employs a series of parallels within her novel' as opposed to 'Austen employs a series of parallels within her novel, challenging traditional notions of femininity') but overuse can make this stand out a bit too much, and you want your marker to be able to focus on the content as easily as possible, so the more frequent your repetition or vocabulary issues, the more likely they are to be pulled out of the flow of your essay. Upon accepting Mr Darcy’s proposal, Elizabeth’s use of superlatives in “I am the happiest creature in the world” superlative declaration that she is "the happiest creature in the world" (- try not to use the word 'in...' prior to introducing quotes as a means of integration. Instead, make the quote fit your sentence to the point where, if I were to take the quotation marks away, everything would still flow perfectly well) implies Austen’s approval of the values in such a union.  Thus, Austen in her critique of mercenary relationships radically advocates for marriages founded on love and rationality. So what is it about Darcy & Elizabeth's relationship that Austen approves of? You've stated that Elizabeth is happy and that Austen clearly affords her that happiness as a kind of reward for her good character, but why is this relationship one of love and rationality? That last part hasn't been made clear in this paragraph. Other than that, this is an excellent argument that's well-supported.

Linking phrase would be good here; even if it were as simple as 'Likewise...' or 'Contrarily...' In Letters to Alice, Weldon adopts a New Historicist approach to reappraise the fundamental significance of marriage in the Regency Period, reflecting upon the reality of modern female emancipation and marital opportunities awesome work! I love the clarity  of these topic sentences; they set out your argument beautifully without giving your whole discussion away too early. Influenced by the writings of feminist Betty Freidan, whose revolutionary manifesto “the Feminine Mystique” helped facilitate second wave feminism in the 1980s, Weldon affirms a shift in societal values away from the necessity of marriage for women and thus explores the greater autonomy afforded to women by...?/in...? Where or when has this autonomy come in . As such, Weldon denigrates the importance of marriage by juxtaposing “the stuff of our women’s magazines...[with] (you have to juxtapose something with something else, so I'm assuming that's what you meant here?) the stuff of their life”, whereby connotations of “stuff” relegate marriage to a trivial obligation within the postmodern context excellent close analysis!!. However, by illustrating the constraints of primogeniture and conditions under which women lived through the factual detail that “only 30%...married” in the Regency era contextualise this quote. Where in the text does it come from? Rather than just saying the author demonstrates something through "this evidence," try and say something about where that evidence has come from, Weldon enriches an understanding of Mrs Bennett’s “anxiety for her five unmarried daughters”. Whilst Austen constructs the caricature of Mrs Bennett, “a woman of mean understanding, little information, and uncertain temper” to satirise the values of her time, Weldon’s intertextual reference vindicates Mrs Bennett as “the only one with the slightest notion of the sheer desperation of the world”. Awesome job with this. I was waiting for a 'Whist Text A does X, Text B instead does Y' kind of sentence, and you've given me exactly that :) You've shown a great insight into the kinds of important discrepancies that exist here. Furthermore, Weldon encourages a reconsideration of Charlotte’s entry into marriage, employing the rhetorical question “are we to disapprove?” to highlight the reality of disenfranchised women in contemporary society,  connecting the synchronic concerns of both contexts bit lost here - are you saying this has relevance for both Austen's and a modern day's audience? Which two contexts are being examined here? Stating try to go for a more descriptive word than 'states'/'stating' the analogy “now the pretty girl from Java marries the rancher from Australia...to escape hunger and poverty”, Weldon echoes Austen’s concerns, laying bare the paradox of having advanced so far in women’s rights, yet, in some parts of the world having gained so little. Through connections with Pride and Prejudice, Weldon heightens an appreciation for Pride and Prejudice the source text by reshaping good work on using this word where appropriate without overusing it. A lot of people will either ignore the prompt's key words, or will use them to the point where they become meaningless. Here you've established what 'reshaping' actually means within the context of the societal regard for marriage, so this is much safer an understanding of Regency values regarding marriage.

Furthermore, both Austen and Weldon are connected in their endorsement of a holistic education as essential for moral and intellectual development another solid topic sentence, and I like that you've demarcated a clearly comparative paragraph rather than doing the 1-2-1-2 structure. In Pride and Prejudice, Austen criticises the ineffectual education imposed upon Georgian women, circumscribed by an/the expectation to pursue superficial ‘accomplishments’ in order to attract a marriage partner. Through cumulative listing in Caroline Bingley’s depiction of the accomplished woman whom she declares must have “a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing” quote integration is much better here. Point of interest: this is also an example of asyndeton, which is a kind of listing where there are no conjunctions (e.g. kitchen, bathroom, garage, wardrobe) in contrast to polysyndeton, which is where there are conjunctions separating each article in the list (e.g. kitchen and the bathroom and the garage and the wardrobe.) Funnily enough, the effect is the same in either instance, i.e. implying accumulation and copiousness, Austen exposes how women have been suppressed by societal expectations to adopt ornamental roles. Austen’s criticisms of such traditional yet ineffectual modes of education, in failing to facilitate intellectual improvement, is extended to the use of conduct books, exemplified through the/her (there seem to be quite a few instances where you'll leave out words like 'a/the/her,' which isn't a massive problem for clarity, but can sound a bit odd when it's a persistent issue) allusion to Fordyce’s Sermons. To this end, she constructs the caricature of Mary I know this probably wasn't your intention, but this is the kind of thing that would make a VCE assessor kiss the page in delight. They (incl. HSC markers, based on the syllabus outline) are quite a fan of students who are able to acknowledge the text as a construct, and reflect this knowledge in their analysis of what the author does, not just what the characters in the text do. This is all really good analysis in this para, too. who constantly “copies out extracts”, yet ironically “had not the words” to add to a discussion v good quote integration. Despite her reputation as “the most accomplished girl in the neighbourhood”, Mary’s prolific study of traditional didactic texts is disparaged by Austen as failing something which fails to instill in her the capacity to think independently. As such, Austen advocates for Elizabeth’s unorthodox and independent education, elucidated through self-contemplative language as she “read and reread with the greatest attention” Darcy’s letter. In contrast to the stagnant characters of Caroline and Mary,  Elizabeth’s process of introspection culminates in moral growth, illustrated by the epiphany “Till this moment which moment is this? I know what you're getting at, and your assessor likely will too, but if your evidence is solely comprised of language which is taken out of context, a super fussy marker might penalise you for not making the connection clear I never knew myself”, reflecting the value of epistemological development promulgated by Regency philosopher John Locke this might sound silly, but be more specific here :P This link is valid, but you need to flesh it out a bit because at the moment, it kind of reads like saying "Austen's heroine exemplifies the ideals of J. R. Firth's semiotic theory"... that might be accurate, but just saying there's a link doesn't really qualify as analysis unless I specify what J. R. Firth's semiotic theory is. So in this case, what kind of epistemological development of Locke's are you discussing here? Employing the textual form of the didactic novel, Austen subtly enlightens readers on as to the significance of life experience and moral growth as the most valuable forms of education. Good concluding line. I'm not sure the notion of morality was a huge focus here, but your final point still feels valid to me nonetheless.

^Link?-->Weldon in Letters to Alice promulgates the attainment of experience through literature as conducive to the improvement of mind and morality, reshaping and affirming Austen’s endorsement of an effectual education to engender a renewed appreciation of Pride and Prejudice I'm an infamous advocate for good vocabulary, and this sentence is great, but it's edging close to that boundary where decent expression slips into verbose obfuscation ;) The rest of your essay tells me your quality of writing is pretty high level anyway, so this wouldn't come across as you just churning out some 'big' words to impress the assessor - I know what you're saying here, and I know that you know what you're saying here - but you want to try and play things fairly safe, so try to minimise these idea-heavy-and-expression-dense sentences. You don't have to cut them our entirely, and the balance you've struck in this essay is totally fine, but I'm just flagging this so you know to take care not to bog down your piece. Alluding to the socio-political turbulence of 1980’s, characterised by the cold war and radical feminist movements, Weldon’s hyperbolic description of a “world in crisis...future catastrophic” stresses the necessity for a broader understanding of society how so? With most of your other evidence the explanation is made clear, but in this case, how is it that this hyperbole could lead one to conclude that we need to better understand society and our own morals? and moral compass for individuals. As such, Weldon implores her fictional niece to read “Literature with a capital L”, employing the epistolary textual form to explicitly address the reader how is the language accomplishing this? And do you meant to say that the genre of letter writing is what's conveying the message to the audience directly? I'm not sure what your point is here, whilst reshaping Austen’s values of moral development to the postmodern context. The extended metaphor of the “City of Invention” emphasises the timeless maybe say 'inherrent' here, just to avoid the repetition with 'time' value of literature and its ability to transcend time, and as such provides the diachronic experience of “new” and “old” ways to further moral and intellectual growth. Through evocative imagery of the city as “brilliant...illuminated...pinnacles”, Weldon elevates the world of literature as illuminating to the mind, with the capacity for reading to expression is getting a little muddled here figuratively “stretch our sensibilities and our understandings”. In doing so, Weldon echoes Austen’s values, exemplified by Darcy’s didactic assertion that an individual “must yet add ... the improvement of ... mind by extensive reading”. Similar to Austen’s repudiation of traditional education as ineffectual, Weldon is satirically dismissive of institutionalised education, depicted by her parody of exam and essay rubrics “’People are getting nastier, society nicer’: Discuss”. this quote isn't integrated into the sentence. Instead, Weldon advocates the literary canon as a source of intellectual development, viewing experience as inherently linked to literature and in doing so reshapes Austen’s values on moral growth okay, I'm with you right up until this final point. Where's the connection between Weldon's extolling of literature and the reshaping of Austen's concept of morality?

Despite contextual disparities, Pride and Prejudice and Letters to Alice undertake parallel explorations of the values underpinning the marriage institution and the significance of moral and intellectual development. By providing new insights into Austen’s novel, Weldon concurrently enriches an understanding of Austen’s context and thus enhances an appreciation for Pride and Prejudice. This is a competent wrap-up, but I can't help but feel it lets you down given the high quality of everything else here. Your conclusion is your final chance to solidify that good impression, so ending on a plain-but-sufficient sentiment isn't quite as advantageous as ending on a really high note. Perhaps tease out some more ideas that stem from the differences between these two texts, as contrast tends to be the best starting point for more complex ideas.


Despite the fact that I've scribbled all over this, I had to try really hard to find faults in your analysis. For the most part, your arguments, analysis, and expression were really on-point, and you clearly know your texts well.

A few minor points: all the sentences highlighted in blue were examples of a certain sentence structure which stood out a bit, so taking one of these and brainstorming some alternate patterns to use should help you circumvent this problem fairly easily.

eg. instead of 'Challenging readers' values, Austen presents Mr. Darcy as an important character'
--> Austen presents Mr. Darcy as an important character in order to challenge readers' values.
--> Austen presents Mr. Darcy as an important character, thereby challenging readers' values.
--> In order to challenge readers values, Austen presents Mr. Darcy as an important character.
--> Austen's presentation of Mr. Darcy as an important character challenges readers' values.
--> That Austen presents Mr. Darcy as an important character challenges readers' values.
etc.

Also, you could use a few smoother paragraph transitions just to make sure your essay flows nicely. A few words at the start can make all the difference when an assessor is mentally preparing for your next sub-point. And on that note, try to make sure the final line in each paragraph is building from what you have established through your analysis and discussion. Most of the ones you've got here are totally fine, but at times it felt like you were drawing conclusions that hadn't been fully substantiated, so just keep an eye on that.

With regards to what should be cut, I'd say simplifying some of the more complex sentences should do it, and perhaps you could edit out the sentences at the start of your first B.P. (ie. the stuff on "authorial intrusion") but I really wouldn't change much. If you really have to make cuts for time, then you could always just cherry pick the best parts of your fourth paragraph and redistribute them into the other three. It doesn't have to be the chronologically fourth one you've written here, but just take the general gist of one of them and split the important bits off to form a three paragraph essay with slightly longer paragraphs.

Other than that, this is a really impressive piece with a bunch of good analysis, so play to your strengths and make sure those interpretive sentiments are made clear and concise in future pieces :)

Awesome job!

Feedback for achelray:
Spoiler
It is through Eliot’s rhetoric we better understand the human mind.

Eliot’s rhetoric allows readers to further grasp and shape their comprehension of context ...the context of what exactly? This is kind of like saying 'he allows the readers to have a more enlightened view' as opposed to '...view of humanity's shortcomings' or 'view of the limitations of man's aspirations.' Without a bit more specificity, this seems a bit weird. In doing so, Eliot aids readers in gaining a better understanding of humanity and its psychological and internal state of mind. I think this sentence could have easily been combined with the previous ones to form a single, strong introductory line rather than two shorter ones. Works of Eliot, such as ‘The Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock’,  ;D love this poem... never got to study it in high school... feel my envy... ‘Preludes’ and ‘Rhapsody on a windy night’ explore the themes of emotions 'emotions' isn't really a thematic idea, could you be a bit more specific here? Which emotions are involved? What is Eliot doing with or saying about such emotions?, internal isolation, and the consequences of the rise of urbanisation and its consequences. Each poem engendered within a vast, distinct context, what does this mean? How can something be 'vast' and 'distinct?'contributing contributes to a stronger understanding of how Eliot utilises time and place in his poetry to shape the reader's’ understanding of context. see above regarding having a more specific argument here

The context sets the tone for the reader. This is quite short and stilted for an opening sentence. It's also quite a generic sentence, meaning that it doesn't tell your reader anything that's particularly pertinent to the discussion. Your next sentence has a similar problem: Eliot’s works are known to rather than saying something about what his works are known for (which is tangentially relevant,) try to instead focus on what Eliot intends to do using verbs like 'suggests/implies/vilifies/exalts/critiques' etc. which is much more central to the task stir a morbid, depressed feeling within readers. This is due to the reality Eliot explores through urban lifestyle are you trying to say that Eliot explores the reality of the urban lifestyle? I'm a bit confused by your sentence structure here and how it adds to the meaninglessness of life within society. ‘The Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock’, said to be the first poem Eliot wrote in 1910-1911, this doesn't really tell us anything important explores the internal isolation and instillment of inferiority through the soliloquy this is a term that applies to plays, it doesn't really work when talking about poems of the persona adopted by Prufrock in a society that does not notice him. Although the title ‘The Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock’ suggests and expresses a romantic aura in accordance with the noun “love” technically this is an adjective here, since the word 'love' is saying something about the word 'song,' but you could also argue 'love song' is a noun on its own... so I think you'd be better off just saying 'the word 'love'' here, though I like the specificity, Eliot ironically relates nothing to the euphoric, giddy, nervous feeling of “love”. This in turn portrays conveys to the audience that there is a possibility he is too shy to speak openly and freely, although Eliot portrays Prufrock as a recreant word check; 'recreant' pertains to cowardliness and betrayal, which I don't think is relevant here. 'Reclusive' would be more accurate figure. Contrary to his faintheart, there were are (keep a consistent present tense when talking about events in the text) moments when he nearly overcomes his immense fear of rejection when he rhetorically asks, “Do I dare?" I'm not sure this is rhetorical; you could argue that it is, but you need to support that judgment here. However, although acknowledging he acknowledges the women, he is being entranced by trivial pleasures like coffee and peaches that the audience is led to believe whether or not he truly is in love or if it is just attraction or lust losing the thread of the sentence here; perhaps try to separate this off so you can make it more grammatical. As pointed out by critic Mutlu Konuk Blasing, “The poem is a dramatic monologue [and] a mimesis of speech…”, which further frames the persona of Prufrock and his internal isolation and instillment of inferiority you've said this before already; try to vary your vocabulary through the perpetual context what do you mean by this? of a meaningless society. Eliot explores through the persona of Prufrock an emotionally detached personality of Prufrock  _____? There's something missing here! What is Eliot exploring? as seen in the lines of, “In the room the women come and go/ Talking of Michelangelo.” This starts the process of which Prufrock starts to feel intimidated so Prufrock is intimidated by the process? Your expression is a bit confusing here; keep things simple adding to the fusion of emotion which emotions? as stated by Eliot himself in his essay ‘Tradition and the Individual Talent’ in which the context of an ordinary modern man experiences inferiority and faces despair of life as he is not a “Michelangelo”. The quote “For I have known the eyes already, known them all-/ The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,” further exploits the persona’s confidence diminishing I'm assuming you mean 'explores' here? A line of poetry can't really 'exploit' an idea having being surrounded by women who do not cast a single glance his way. Prufrock asking rhetorical questions, “To wonder, ‘Do I dare?’” and “Do I dare?”, reinforces the idea of the internal isolation he is experiencing to the audience in his soliloquy. Thus reestablishes This is a fragmented sentence; I've written a fuller explanation of why this is in my feedback to summerxyingshi if you want to scroll up and check that out. But here, you need to either say 'Thus, Eliot reestablishes...' or 'This reestablishes...' to make the sentence grammatical the internal state of inferiority which sets the morbid tone underpinning the context of when urban life highlighted the meaningless of life in society. Notice how the topic you're responding to calls on you to explore how Eliot's rhetoric allows us to understand the human mind? That's what you should be building out to as your focus! These points about social context are okay, but they're not what the topic is asking for. You haven't said much here about the audience's understanding of the human mind, so you'd need to reshape your arguments to suit this discussion.

‘Preludes’, the title can be viewed by the audience as ironic, such as much like ‘The Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock’ and ‘Rhapsody on a Windy Night’ as it creates expectations about the poem’s contents that are not fulfilled. Try to begin your paragraph with a broad idea, not a point of close analysis. Tell me what concepts you intend to focus on before you start zooming in to evidence. The context what are you talking about when you say 'the context of the poems?' Because that would usually mean the socio-historical context, being when and where they're written, and that doesn't seem to be what you're intending here of Eliot's Preludes conveys the mundane and repetitive nature of lives in the modern, urban world. The poem itself consists of four descriptions of urban life at different times of the day. Within this day the dreariness and futility of human existence is highlighted. One critic in particular, J.Hillis Miller stated, “Space must be exterior to the self if movement through it is to be more than the following of a tedious argument in the mind.” which accentuates the mind and how Eliot explores the mind in the human existence through his poems is there anything else you can say here? What is Eliot saying about the human mind? And what does this have to do with the start of that quote where the critic talks about space and selfhood? The first prelude “evening settles down” this quote isn't integrated depicts a rainy, windswept evening that seems to educe that dreary feel of the day's end, especially with the imagery of strewn newspapers as leftover, unwanted rubbish. Good stuff! The monotonous rain beating down together along with the rhymes “passageways - days”, “wraps - scraps” and “lots -pots” the convention here would be to say "passageways" and "days," "wraps" and "scraps" etc. since quoting "passageways - days" implies those words occur one after another in the poem, which isn't true where coupled with the repetitive repeated sibilance of the 's' endings adds a sense of dullness and weariness to the prelude. <-- Excellent analysis here! The broad descriptive language accurately assists the audience in comprehending and shaping their understanding of context. this sentence is way too general; what 'broad descriptive language' are you talking about, and what's the 'context' here? Also, you need to link ^this idea to the following one--> The start of the third prelude portrays the dark, early hours of the morning. In this section of the poem the persona begins to use 'you' in an almost authoritative tone. "You" in such a context, depicts to characterise one of the many “lifeless” people living in this hollowness society. As stated by T.S Eliot himself, “It what's 'it??' may be formed out of one emotion, or may be a combination of several; and various feelings, inhering for the writer in particular words or phrases or images, may be added to compose the final result.”, which prominently addresses the consequences of urbanisation does it? I'm not seeing the connection here and therefore allows the audience to assemble a refined understanding of context what does this mean? and how it aids their understanding of tone within poetry. Okay, but that's not the focus here - take your discussion back to the notion of understanding the human mind.

^Link?-->Eliot’s works do not stray far from the inevitable timelessness that enables readers to understand a modern context. Again, this doesn't strike me as a very relevant argument seeing as you're meant to be examining how his poems enable the audience to better understand human psychology and conscience. The poem ‘Rhapsody on a Windy Night’ explores themes of isolation and meaninglessness in society through the emotions of a single person. His journey involves going through a cross of reality and imagination as seen in, “Dissolve the floors of memory” this isn't really integrated disintegrating reality from hallucinations of the mind. As time goes by the person gets closer and closer to their breaking point expressed in the simile, “Beats like a fatalistic drum,” adding to the suspense of the inevitability is it suspenseful or inevitable? Those two words seem like of like antonyms in this context of the person’s fate. Eliot successfully writes of events that the audience can relate to therefore instituting a greater understanding of context as it is easily relatable. not sure about the relevance of this? The context you should be linking this to is the idea of the human mind, and that hasn't been made clear here. The audience therefore gain a better understanding of poetry in the modern context as familiar emotions experienced by individuals are adopted by Eliot to bring to life “a new art emotion”. Critic Charles Altieri from the Department of English at UC Berkeley, states, “Eliot experimented with modes of presenting and projecting desire more immediate and also more inherently social than the culturally dominant modes of linking affects to causal narratives. And in doing that he developed an abstract modern imaginative space radically new for English poetry.” minor point, but don't end the quote with a full stop if you intend to continue your sentence. Just leave it out here; you can change the punctuation pretty freely with little stuff like this - the assessors won't pull you up because a comma was out of place unless you somehow drastically alter the meaning of that quote which in turn enhanced the chance of the audience to read and reshape their understanding of a modern context. see end comments regarding your use of the word 'context.' & ^link?-->Throughout the poem, the lamp becomes known as the medium 'symbol' might be more appropriate here into which Eliot uses to reflect and represent what the person is thinking. “The street lamp sputtered,/ The street lamp muttered,” symbolises one losing their mind as their internal mind gears are “sputtering” and “muttering” also symbolising being overworked, almost as if it were weary and tired. However when repeated in stanza five, it is almost as if the lamp is becoming less easier to hear, coinciding with the fact that the person may be regaining consciousness and coming back to reality. This relates to the feeling of despair of life as the person who wandered the streets alone lead nowhere but where they started in which they finally reach a breaking point with their conjured emotions. Everything up to this point is really good, and it seems like you're building towards a point of discussion regarding what Eliot is saying about the human mind... This then exposes the audience to embrace and relate to a modern context which explores time and place within Eliot’s work. ...but that last sentence is letting you down a bit. It's quite general, and we're not interested in the notions of time and place, we want to know what you have to say about the prompt's key words and key ideas.

In contrast to ‘Rhapsody on a Windy night’, ‘Hollow men’ has more biblical and historical references. However, both are similar in that emotion is essentially a key concept within both poems. Much better linking! This is a great start. As explained in T.S Eliot’s essay, “The experience you will notice, the elements which enter the presence of the transforming catalyst, are of two kinds: emotions and feelings.” Is this quote relevant to what you're discussing? I can't see a connection on the surface, and it's up to you to make that obvious. The poem, ‘Hollow men’ brings to life religion through aspects of biblical references and epigraphs of other texts. This adds to the timelessness of Eliot’s poems as he adopts excerpts from other texts in doing so creates a piece of work that the audience is able to form an understanding of a modern context. That may be true, but it's not relevant. ‘Hollow men’ explores the experience of being a part of the world as seen in, “Let me also wear/ Such deliberate disguises” as it symbolises the world as broken therefore ultimately links to despair about life this sentence is getting messy; try not to let them run on for too long as that seems to be when things start to get ungrammatical as their hope is nothing but metaphorically “a a metaphorical "fading star.” This loss of hope symbolises a religious allusion and reflects Jesus’ light as a sign of hope for the “Hollow men”. The audience can relate to this in their modern context as Eliot never fails to include familiar experiences to ensure they are able to fully understand. Essentially comparing sentence fragment the “empty men” to scarecrows as when they both burn, they end up as nothing but ashes - no different from each other which adds to the hollowness of the “hollow men”. In describing the men, tThe earth has also been described as a “hollow valley” as symbolised through the words, “prickly pear” reflecting the unsterile, waste, barren wasteland. As critic Altieri explains, “his formal and thematic elements are woven into specific emotional configurations explored within the work,”. Eliot’s essay on ‘Tradition and the Individual talent’ wait, so, this critic's comment 'reflects' Eliot's essay? What are you trying to say here? as he states, “It may be formed out of one emotion or may be a combination of several, and various feelings controlled through our minds, inhering for the writer in particular words or phrases or images, may be added to compose the final result.”. You've used this quote in your second body paragraph already. Therefore successfully sentence fragment incorporates experiences and emotions of the audience, exploring how time and place are used by Eliot to form an understanding of context. Same problem as the above paragraphs - you're drawing all of your points out to a discussion of Eliot's work an its modern context, but there's nothing here about the human mind and the key concern of the prompt.

The timeless works of Eliot allows readers to further comprehend and shape their understanding of context. Thus, the audience can successfully embrace an insightful, informative and broad understanding of humanity and its psychological and internal state of mind. this is the first hint I've gotten that you're acknowledging the topic, and this is way too late. Try and flesh out this idea a bit more and expand on the notion of humanity's 'state of mind'. This can be seen in works of Eliot, such as ‘The Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock’, ‘Preludes’ and ‘Rhapsody on a windy night’ that explore the themes of internal isolation, rise of urbanisation and its consequences and emotions. This feels a bit repetitious; most of these points have been made already, and you've used very similar words to do so here. Each poem dispenses a deep understanding of how time and place are used to shape a reader’s understanding of context. Right, but how is this linked to the prompt?

Okay, so there's some solid analysis in this piece, and you're using great metalanguage to describe Eliot's rhetoric. Your understanding of the poems was pretty spot on, though it would've been good to see some comparison and contrast between the ones you discuss.

Here's the really big thing though: you need a thesis statement. More accurately, you need a relevant thesis statement that connects your discussion to the prompt. At the moment, you seem to be trying to argue something along the lines of 'The sense of time and place in Eliot's poems helps readers understand their modern context,' but what you should be arguing is 'Eliot's rhetoric aids him in suggesting that the human mind is an intricate and complex thing' or 'Eliot's poetry shows audiences what happens to the human mind when it is isolated and lonely' etc. Basically, what do you have to say about the link between the essay topic you've been given? In this case, what is Eliot saying about the human mind!?

Your use of the word 'context' was also quite ambiguous in places, and I think being more specific about the contexts you're referring to would be very helpful. This seems like it was the product of you taking an essay that was originally intended for a different prompt and transposing it here, which is okay, but you need to know how to adapt your piece and make it suit this discussion. A lot of this evidence would work for multiple prompts, but without you consciously moulding your argument, I'm left wondering whether any of it is relevant.

There are a few key places in your essay where you should be tailoring your piece to the prompt, particularly the starts and ends of your paragraphs, so perhaps work on making those as precise as possible so as to better communicate to your assessor what your thesis statement is.

Aside from that, your discussion was really good, and you just need to keep an eye on little things like sentence fragments and word choices. Also, there were a few sentences that were a bit too short and jarring, and others that were too long and got a little bit rambly and confusing, so just watch out for your sentence length to make sure your writing is as clear as possible :)

Feedback for gabriellav:
Spoiler
“Childhood discoveries are intensely emotional and meaningful.”
Consider this quote and evaluate the effectiveness of TWO texts in conveying these types of childhood discoveries.

>thank you for including the exam paper, by the way!< :D

The transformation into early adolescence after several years of being cocooned is an intensely emotional and meaningful experience. This discovery of foreign terrain evokes emotions of curiosity and uncertainty as a child is confronted with the reality of the complicated world and loss of youthful innocence. Good, broad statements here that make your focus clear. It is however, not until the final stages of development that they will be capable of understanding the discoveries should be an apostrophe after the 's' here, assuming you're trying to say 'the significance and meaning of these discoveries.' significance and meaning. Texts 1 and 3 through evaluation and analysis this sounds a bit odd because it's as though you're saying the two texts justify this idea by doing evaluation and analysis, when what you're trying to convey is that when we evaluate and analyse these texts, we can see how they justify these ideas. Just a minor expression issue, but it pays to end your intro on a high note to help set a good foundation for the rest of your piece, effectively justify this notion to different extents. 

Text 3 skillfully positions the audience to understand the difficulty of entering adulthood. The child’s desperation for individuality and power causes rebellion quote? however enables him to reach a confronting discovery of self and transformation facilitates a confronting self-discovery and transformation. As the “ first shot struck”, this is the child’s first encounter this quote isn't really integrated here. See if I took out the quotation marks it would seem kind of ungrammatical? That means you need to make the language fit your own sentence. A bit more context would be useful here too; just a brief mention of how the poem focuses on a child who takes his father's gun and shoots an animal without fully understanding the consequences - a metaphor for transitioning into adulthood suddenly and incomprehensibly with power and rebellion which frightens him as he is “ afraid by the fallen gun, a lonely child who believed death clean and final”. The use of pathos in conjunction with negative connotations expressed in the words “ afraid” and lonely” reveals the child’s distress and incomprehension of his actions as a transitioning an innocent child transitioning to a rebellious teen seeking power. Good analysis Likewise, the consequences of the child’s rebellion reflected by the owl’s death, progresses his emotion expression is a bit weird here. Instead of saying it 'progresses his emotion,' try and say something about the actual emotion(s). The use of low modality to describe the owl as an "obscene bundle of stuff” further emphasises his the child's inability to overcome his bitter emotions. More importantly, it reveals his immaturity and incomplete intellectual development because he is unable to see the fragility of life, unlike however, the juxtaposition of the owl as a philosophical symbol of wisdom and foresight v good. Nevertheless, it is within the final stanza of the poem that illustrates the child’s new sense of understanding regarding his discovery and employs a metaphor “ owl blind” to encapsulate his sadness for what has begun; his journey to adulthood. Yes! Great job! You've gotten at the heard of the poem here. It is his tears with which symbolically validate the loss of innocence as a bitter experience and one that cannot be reclaimed.

Comparatively, whilst the perplexing process of childhood maturation is explored in text 3 as intensely emotion which emotions?? provoking, this concept is challenged in text 1, with the focus drawn to the value of childhood discoveries. Significantly, whilst the discovery in text 3 was initiated by a child who had just entered the rebellious teen stage, text 1 illustrates a youthful child that has not yet discovered adulthood but will be eventuated prompted(?) by curiosity.  The keyhole as a symbol of secrecy and a physical barrier, emphasises that a discovery behind the door is of high importance and value. Metaphorically, this foreign world behind the door represents the terrain of adulthood, which is just a key away Nice!:) Therefore, it is with the opening of this door that the child will initiate a change, that is, both his meaningful discovery and transformation into adolescence. Yet But as this child has not discovered adulthood yet, the child's expressionless facial gesture conveys his inability to see what is behind the door. He therefore is unable to express emotions, as the importance of this discovery, “ maturation” is all but a secret. This signifies the unawareness and lack of understanding children have when they are developing, similarly justified word check; I don't know if 'justified' is right here. 'Explored' perhaps, or 'depicted' in text 3. Moreover, the use of the large title with the placement of overgrown leaves running through the word “ Secret ”, also draws our attention to the fact that this child has not yet revealed seen ('revealed' would imply that he was revealing it to us) what is behind the door. The fact this discovery has been kept a “secret” reinforces that his journey into adulthood will be personal and private, and will offer him freedom like the untamed leaves behind the locked door awesome analysis here.  To be precise, the childhood discovery of maturation is experienced by all, yet personal to the individual, making it extremely meaningful.

Very good analysis of the pieces overall. You've made some solid links between the two, but haven't just kept comparing at the expense of quality analysis, and I like that you were able to offset your discussion of a child post-discovery with one who was teetering over the precipice but hadn't quite pushed past that barrier yet.

A few little expression issues, but nothing major. Most of my points would just be regarding opportunities for more analysis (eg. looking at how Harwood's poem uses the metaphor of a traumatic realisation of inevitability to convey the idea of adolescence, whereas the image has a more mystical, ethereal excitement stemming from the notion of opening up a doorway and accessing a new world) but you're not marked on what you don't cover, and what you have covered here is handled really well.

Try to keep your expression as succinct and precise as possible, as there's a chance you could cram in even more discussion as you get more and more practice with this, but aside from that, you seem to have a very good handle on the nature of the task and the process of analysis :)
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: Happy Physics Land on February 21, 2016, 11:26:59 pm
Hey English Professors:

Sorry to bother you with another piece of writing from me. This is a module A essay using a question from 2013 HSC exam. Thank you very much in advance for sparing your time to mark my essay it is really kind of you guys to do stuff like this!!!! :))))
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: brenden on February 22, 2016, 09:57:07 am
Hey English Professors:

Sorry to bother you with another piece of writing from me. This is a module A essay using a question from 2013 HSC exam. Thank you very much in advance for sparing your time to mark my essay it is really kind of you guys to do stuff like this!!!! :))))
Happy Physics Land, and ATAR Notes Legend like you never needs to be sorry!

Your essay without comments
Your essay with comments

In what ways is your appreciation of both texts enhanced by a comparative study of passion in Donne’s poetry and W; t? In your response, make detailed reference to your prescribed texts.

Appreciation towards texts is often enhanced through comparing the timeless notion of passion across different paradigmatic frameworks. This idea is demonstrated through the metaphysical poems This is My Playes Last Scene and A Valediction: forbidden mourning by John Donne and the metatheatrical, Brechtian-style play W;t (1995) by Margaret Edson. My appreciation towards the two texts has been enhanced due to a deepened understanding towards the human you don't need to say "human". it's a bit useless, like saying "my favourite number if the odd number of three". You don't need to say 'odd', because 'three' conveys odd, just like "concept of passion" conveys human. concept of passion This sentence is sort of, not doing much for you. You have a good introduction so far, but then you just stick this sentence into it: "My appreciation towards the two texts has been enhanced due to a deepened understanding towards the human concept of passion"... It's like having a good proof and getting towards the answer, only to add in a line of working that isn't helpful nor mathematically useful. The reason that the sentence is sort of, "not the best", is simply because it sort of restates the question. The question asks you IN WHAT WAYS is your appreciation enhanced. But this sentence of yours simply states that your appreciation IS enhanced. Now.... I know you've done this because your next sentence starts with "this is achieved through..." - which appears to be your overall thesis. You set up your thesis with this sentence, but you actually don't need to. Going back to the proof analogy. You could skip an ugly line of working to make the proof cleaner. In this scenario, omitting the sentence I'm talking about would be the same as skipping an ugly line of working. You could remove that sentence and just say.... "Ultimately, through comparing Donne’s Elizabethan passion for love and death to Vivian Bearing’s passion for literature and Jason’s passion for medical research in a 20th century modern context, a reader enhances their appreciation of the texts  by recognising the dominating nature of obsessive passion.. This is achieved through comparing Donne’s Elizabethan passion for love and death to Vivian Bearing’s passion for literature and Jason’s passion for medical research in a 20th century modern context.

Okay I talked a lot of shit about proofs and sentences in that introduction, so for a "in summary", just check the spoiler below. Otherwise, great introduction!!
In Summay
Your sentences: My appreciation towards the two texts has been enhanced due to a deepened understanding towards the human concept of passion. This is achieved through comparing Donne’s Elizabethan passion for love and death to Vivian Bearing’s passion for literature and Jason’s passion for medical research in a 20th century modern context.

My sentence: Ultimately, through comparing Donne’s Elizabethan passion for love and death to Vivian Bearing’s passion for literature and Jason’s passion for medical research in a 20th century modern context, a reader enhances their appreciation of the texts  by recognising the dominating nature of obsessive passion

You can see that I have colour coded the sentences. Mine has red and blue, and yours has blue and red. You use the blue to set up the red. But you don't need a set up. You can say "through x", "y happens". You don't need to say "Y is the case". "Y is the case because X'.

Strongly influenced by the hegemonic weltanschauung of Christianity, This is My Playes Last Scene portrays a passion for death through various metaphorical conceits cool opening sentence. The establishing sentence “This is my playes last scene, here heavens appoint” alludes to the inevitable death of tragic heroes in Shakespearian tragedies. Through the biblical imagery of heaven and the analogy comparing life to a dramatic play, the poet celebrates his death and ascension to a virtuous afterlife. In addition, the geometrical conceit in the first quatrain, “My spans last inch, minutes latest point” compares death to finale of a race, hence illustrating death as the most exciting part of life. Furthermore, the final quatrain “Impute me righteous, purg’d of evill … the flesh, the devil” juxtaposes vocabularies such as “righteous” and “evil” to suggest the dichotomy between the body and soul. The relieved tone suggests the poet’s passion for the spirit to be preserved, alleviated from the physical sins and devilish temptations.Cool, great first paragraph!

Likewise, W;t heightens the value of the poem by appropriating elements of Donne’s passion towards death into a 20th century American society dominated by biomedical discourse. Similar to Donne, Vivian Bearing in her soliloquy “a breath – a comma – separates life from life everlasting … it’s a comma, a pause” also employs a metaphorical conceit comparing a comma in a literal dimension to a metaphysical barrier between life and afterlife. The deliberate emphasis on the punctuation of comma being simply a pause in life portrays Bearing’s passion for an afterlife which is conveyed through her evident passion for literature. Moreover, the stage direction “She (Vivian) walks … towards a little light” adapts a similar notion of passion towards afterlife in heaven from This is My Playes Last Scene. The light is symbolic of Vivian’s liberation from the physical suffering she endures in modern western hospitals and ascension in heaven, which corresponds to notions delivered by Donne’s poem. Therefore, by resonating with Donne’s passion for death through a modern Western hospital setting, W;t has effectively articulated this concept to surpass the ephemeral and this valuable appropriation can be appreciated.

A Valediction: Forbidden Mourning conveys Donne’s intimate passion, reflective of the Elizabethan romance, towards his wife Anne through metaphysical conceits inspired by Galileo’s invention of compass. The hyperbole “Let us melt … No tear-floods, nor sigh tempests move” defines the gush of emotions the two lovers experience prior to their reluctant separation due to the unification of their physical bodies and souls, thus expressing an intense affection. Juxtaposing their love to merely a physical love, Donne depicts his fervour as spiritual through the simile “… an expansion, like gold to airy thinness boat” which suggests that their connected souls simply expands when physically separated. Moreover, the last three stanzas employ the metaphorical conceit of Galileo’s compass to suggest Donne’s undying love by placing Anne at the centre whilst Donne revolves around her. The two compass feet trace a circle which symbolises an eternal cycle of love as suggested through “Thy soul, the fixed foot … if the other do”. Therefore through embracing both physical emotions and spiritual love, Donne effectively manifests his passion with Anne.

In contrast, Edson’s W;t generically depicts 20th century Western society’s mechanical approach to life and a lack of passion towards human beings however profound affinity towards literatures and academic research. In contrast to Donne’s passion which revolves around an intimate and physical bond with a counterpart, both Jason and Bearing’s passions involve the segregation from mankind. Vivian’s acerbic tone towards her student “You can come to this class prepared, or you can excuse yourself from this class … Donne’s agile wit at work” depicts her apathy which originates from her passion for Donne’s poems. Her ignorance towards the student’s emotions, displayed through the stage direction “walks away  ... turns and addresses the class” portrays her self-indulgence in the microcosmic world of literature which consequently causes her alienation from others. Furthermore, Jason displays a strong passion in his scientific research however a lack of awareness towards surrounding human. A strong sense of situational irony is present when Jason contemptuously analogises clinicians to “troglodytes”; but in reality, Jason is the person who lives in seclusion, resembling Vivian Bearing, due to his overriding academic ambition. His direct reference to Bearing “she is research” in the final scene illustrates his passion for medical discourse however this passion has adversely led him to ignore the fundamental human rights. Evidently, both Vivian Bearing and Jason are apathetic towards human beings and their feelings which juxtapose the sensual passion portrayed by A Valediction: Forbidden Mourning. The significant differences between the two texts however accentuate that for individuals exposed under various cultural influences, the idea of passion may be interpreted differently. 

Through studying Donne’s poems in tandem with W;t, responders can appreciate a more profound insight into Donne’s poems through Vivian Bearing’s passionate monologues about literature. Audience of W;t harvest the knowledge that the concept of Donne’s poems is about overcoming insuperable barriers separating life, death and eternal life. Undertaking the role as the compere of the play, Vivian Bearing attempts to strengthen herself against death with the academic vigour of This is My Playes Last Scene. This vicarious experience analysing Donne’s poem illustrates her passion and through this passion and Bearing’s ultimate suffering, the audience can understand that intellectual powers of language have trivial effects in confronting the physical reality of death. This reality, despite unpleasant, can be appreciated due to its applications to 21th century world. The juxtaposition between the Jacobean loving passion which involves an intimate bond between lovers and the 20th century passion for medical research which involves the objectification of patients has helped audience to recognise destructive power of science which eradicates genuine human emotions.

Overall, an examination of passion represented differently under contrasting contexts which permeate each text has allowed the audience to extensively appreciate the power of texts to articulate core human concerns. This has been achieved through comparing the differing interpretations of passion in This is My Playes Last Scene, A Valediction: Forbidden Mourning and W;t. The similar passions towards death manifest that despite historical distances, notions of passion are capable of universalisation beyond their context.

Cool! Really great essay, well written, great analysis and good quoting.

The one lesson I want you to take out of this essay is the bits of green and red that I've highlighted in the last few paragraphs.

Green is good. Red is bad.

Green features active verbs, like "depicts" (depicted would be the not-active version), or "conveys" (conveyed being the non-active version).

Red  features sentences like "which is conveyed", which could be rearranged to "x conveys".

I've tried to highlight the patterns for you so you can see for yourself. Notice the similarities between the things I've hihglighted in gree, and the similarities between the things I've highlighted in red... and notice the difference between green and red highlighting.

Let me know if you need more explanation on this, because I'm pretty much just letting you do it yourself because I think you'll realise on your own to start using "es" words over "ed" words, and then sometimes integrating "es" with a comma and an "-ing" word.

Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: Happy Physics Land on February 22, 2016, 10:39:51 am
Happy Physics Land, and ATAR Notes Legend like you never needs to be sorry!

Your essay without comments
Your essay with comments

In what ways is your appreciation of both texts enhanced by a comparative study of passion in Donne’s poetry and W; t? In your response, make detailed reference to your prescribed texts.

Appreciation towards texts is often enhanced through comparing the timeless notion of passion across different paradigmatic frameworks. This idea is demonstrated through the metaphysical poems This is My Playes Last Scene and A Valediction: forbidden mourning by John Donne and the metatheatrical, Brechtian-style play W;t (1995) by Margaret Edson. My appreciation towards the two texts has been enhanced due to a deepened understanding towards the human you don't need to say "human". it's a bit useless, like saying "my favourite number if the odd number of three". You don't need to say 'odd', because 'three' conveys odd, just like "concept of passion" conveys human. concept of passion This sentence is sort of, not doing much for you. You have a good introduction so far, but then you just stick this sentence into it: "My appreciation towards the two texts has been enhanced due to a deepened understanding towards the human concept of passion"... It's like having a good proof and getting towards the answer, only to add in a line of working that isn't helpful nor mathematically useful. The reason that the sentence is sort of, "not the best", is simply because it sort of restates the question. The question asks you IN WHAT WAYS is your appreciation enhanced. But this sentence of yours simply states that your appreciation IS enhanced. Now.... I know you've done this because your next sentence starts with "this is achieved through..." - which appears to be your overall thesis. You set up your thesis with this sentence, but you actually don't need to. Going back to the proof analogy. You could skip an ugly line of working to make the proof cleaner. In this scenario, omitting the sentence I'm talking about would be the same as skipping an ugly line of working. You could remove that sentence and just say.... "Ultimately, through comparing Donne’s Elizabethan passion for love and death to Vivian Bearing’s passion for literature and Jason’s passion for medical research in a 20th century modern context, a reader enhances their appreciation of the texts  by recognising the dominating nature of obsessive passion.. This is achieved through comparing Donne’s Elizabethan passion for love and death to Vivian Bearing’s passion for literature and Jason’s passion for medical research in a 20th century modern context.

Okay I talked a lot of shit about proofs and sentences in that introduction, so for a "in summary", just check the spoiler below. Otherwise, great introduction!!
In Summay
Your sentences: My appreciation towards the two texts has been enhanced due to a deepened understanding towards the human concept of passion. This is achieved through comparing Donne’s Elizabethan passion for love and death to Vivian Bearing’s passion for literature and Jason’s passion for medical research in a 20th century modern context.

My sentence: Ultimately, through comparing Donne’s Elizabethan passion for love and death to Vivian Bearing’s passion for literature and Jason’s passion for medical research in a 20th century modern context, a reader enhances their appreciation of the texts  by recognising the dominating nature of obsessive passion

You can see that I have colour coded the sentences. Mine has red and blue, and yours has blue and red. You use the blue to set up the red. But you don't need a set up. You can say "through x", "y happens". You don't need to say "Y is the case". "Y is the case because X'.

Strongly influenced by the hegemonic weltanschauung of Christianity, This is My Playes Last Scene portrays a passion for death through various metaphorical conceits cool opening sentence. The establishing sentence “This is my playes last scene, here heavens appoint” alludes to the inevitable death of tragic heroes in Shakespearian tragedies. Through the biblical imagery of heaven and the analogy comparing life to a dramatic play, the poet celebrates his death and ascension to a virtuous afterlife. In addition, the geometrical conceit in the first quatrain, “My spans last inch, minutes latest point” compares death to finale of a race, hence illustrating death as the most exciting part of life. Furthermore, the final quatrain “Impute me righteous, purg’d of evill … the flesh, the devil” juxtaposes vocabularies such as “righteous” and “evil” to suggest the dichotomy between the body and soul. The relieved tone suggests the poet’s passion for the spirit to be preserved, alleviated from the physical sins and devilish temptations.Cool, great first paragraph!

Likewise, W;t heightens the value of the poem by appropriating elements of Donne’s passion towards death into a 20th century American society dominated by biomedical discourse. Similar to Donne, Vivian Bearing in her soliloquy “a breath – a comma – separates life from life everlasting … it’s a comma, a pause” also employs a metaphorical conceit comparing a comma in a literal dimension to a metaphysical barrier between life and afterlife. The deliberate emphasis on the punctuation of comma being simply a pause in life portrays Bearing’s passion for an afterlife which is conveyed through her evident passion for literature. Moreover, the stage direction “She (Vivian) walks … towards a little light” adapts a similar notion of passion towards afterlife in heaven from This is My Playes Last Scene. The light is symbolic of Vivian’s liberation from the physical suffering she endures in modern western hospitals and ascension in heaven, which corresponds to notions delivered by Donne’s poem. Therefore, by resonating with Donne’s passion for death through a modern Western hospital setting, W;t has effectively articulated this concept to surpass the ephemeral and this valuable appropriation can be appreciated.

A Valediction: Forbidden Mourning conveys Donne’s intimate passion, reflective of the Elizabethan romance, towards his wife Anne through metaphysical conceits inspired by Galileo’s invention of compass. The hyperbole “Let us melt … No tear-floods, nor sigh tempests move” defines the gush of emotions the two lovers experience prior to their reluctant separation due to the unification of their physical bodies and souls, thus expressing an intense affection. Juxtaposing their love to merely a physical love, Donne depicts his fervour as spiritual through the simile “… an expansion, like gold to airy thinness boat” which suggests that their connected souls simply expands when physically separated. Moreover, the last three stanzas employ the metaphorical conceit of Galileo’s compass to suggest Donne’s undying love by placing Anne at the centre whilst Donne revolves around her. The two compass feet trace a circle which symbolises an eternal cycle of love as suggested through “Thy soul, the fixed foot … if the other do”. Therefore through embracing both physical emotions and spiritual love, Donne effectively manifests his passion with Anne.

In contrast, Edson’s W;t generically depicts 20th century Western society’s mechanical approach to life and a lack of passion towards human beings however profound affinity towards literatures and academic research. In contrast to Donne’s passion which revolves around an intimate and physical bond with a counterpart, both Jason and Bearing’s passions involve the segregation from mankind. Vivian’s acerbic tone towards her student “You can come to this class prepared, or you can excuse yourself from this class … Donne’s agile wit at work” depicts her apathy which originates from her passion for Donne’s poems. Her ignorance towards the student’s emotions, displayed through the stage direction “walks away  ... turns and addresses the class” portrays her self-indulgence in the microcosmic world of literature which consequently causes her alienation from others. Furthermore, Jason displays a strong passion in his scientific research however a lack of awareness towards surrounding human. A strong sense of situational irony is present when Jason contemptuously analogises clinicians to “troglodytes”; but in reality, Jason is the person who lives in seclusion, resembling Vivian Bearing, due to his overriding academic ambition. His direct reference to Bearing “she is research” in the final scene illustrates his passion for medical discourse however this passion has adversely led him to ignore the fundamental human rights. Evidently, both Vivian Bearing and Jason are apathetic towards human beings and their feelings which juxtapose the sensual passion portrayed by A Valediction: Forbidden Mourning. The significant differences between the two texts however accentuate that for individuals exposed under various cultural influences, the idea of passion may be interpreted differently. 

Through studying Donne’s poems in tandem with W;t, responders can appreciate a more profound insight into Donne’s poems through Vivian Bearing’s passionate monologues about literature. Audience of W;t harvest the knowledge that the concept of Donne’s poems is about overcoming insuperable barriers separating life, death and eternal life. Undertaking the role as the compere of the play, Vivian Bearing attempts to strengthen herself against death with the academic vigour of This is My Playes Last Scene. This vicarious experience analysing Donne’s poem illustrates her passion and through this passion and Bearing’s ultimate suffering, the audience can understand that intellectual powers of language have trivial effects in confronting the physical reality of death. This reality, despite unpleasant, can be appreciated due to its applications to 21th century world. The juxtaposition between the Jacobean loving passion which involves an intimate bond between lovers and the 20th century passion for medical research which involves the objectification of patients has helped audience to recognise destructive power of science which eradicates genuine human emotions.

Overall, an examination of passion represented differently under contrasting contexts which permeate each text has allowed the audience to extensively appreciate the power of texts to articulate core human concerns. This has been achieved through comparing the differing interpretations of passion in This is My Playes Last Scene, A Valediction: Forbidden Mourning and W;t. The similar passions towards death manifest that despite historical distances, notions of passion are capable of universalisation beyond their context.

Cool! Really great essay, well written, great analysis and good quoting.

The one lesson I want you to take out of this essay is the bits of green and red that I've highlighted in the last few paragraphs.

Green is good. Red is bad.

Green features active verbs, like "depicts" (depicted would be the not-active version), or "conveys" (conveyed being the non-active version).

Red  features sentences like "which is conveyed", which could be rearranged to "x conveys".

I've tried to highlight the patterns for you so you can see for yourself. Notice the similarities between the things I've hihglighted in gree, and the similarities between the things I've highlighted in red... and notice the difference between green and red highlighting.

Let me know if you need more explanation on this, because I'm pretty much just letting you do it yourself because I think you'll realise on your own to start using "es" words over "ed" words, and then sometimes integrating "es" with a comma and an "-ing" word.


Thank you very much Brenden, extremely helpful feedback on my introduction, thank you for correcting my grammars tooo!!! :D :D I think by changing "which is conveyed through" into "x conveyed" makes the subject of my speech more evident and l think it sounds stronger. A huge thanks to you Brenden!!!! :)))
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: brenden on February 22, 2016, 11:37:32 am
Thank you very much Brenden, extremely helpful feedback on my introduction, thank you for correcting my grammars tooo!!! :D :D I think by changing "which is conveyed through" into "x conveyed" makes the subject of my speech more evident and l think it sounds stronger. A huge thanks to you Brenden!!!! :)))
Exactly! It sounds much stronger. You're very welcome - stay cool, HPL!
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: gabriellav on February 22, 2016, 06:22:25 pm
Thank you so much Lauren for your feedback and ideas. Regarding your comment to Brendon " I'll just direct any complaints we get about giving too much feedback to you", I am if anything more than thankful, and take any feedback that i can get with open hands.

Thanks once again :)
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: Hamza98 on February 22, 2016, 06:50:45 pm
Hi,

Attached is a copy of my essay for Module C. It is based of a critical study of the novel "In The Skin of a Lion". Please the note that this is not a full fledged essay, as it is missing quotes. Other than it is very much like an essay.
Thankyou so much for providing this service.
 :)
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: BethanyLeise on February 22, 2016, 07:07:34 pm
Hi,

Here's my essay for Module A, it's not actually an essay, it's a speech (that's why it's so short and my conclusion is practically non-existent) - but apart from that please just tear it apart.
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: supercooper284 on February 23, 2016, 07:20:48 pm
Hey, my essay is MOD A, and my texts are Dubliners - Joyce, and Heaney's prescribed poems.

Please have a squiz at my essay, it's just a rough draft and I need all the help I can get!
Thanks!!
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: Spencerr on February 23, 2016, 10:09:36 pm
Thanks Lauren for all the feedback! I'll be sure to post up again once I've edited it. :)
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: heids on February 23, 2016, 10:28:22 pm
Unless told otherwise, I dibs simone.tsang's and supercooper's since they're the most recent.
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: lha on February 26, 2016, 11:30:41 pm
Hi,
My essay is attached. It is for Module A and my texts are Tirra Lirra by the River by Jessica Anderson and Tennyson's Poetry. The question given was:

Compare how these texts explore truth and happiness.

My main concerns are that I havent incorporated truth enough and I dont know how to. Also, I dont know how to evaluate.

This essay is due on the 29th of February (so in 2 days) so any feedback ASAP would be greatly appreciated!
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: Spencerr on February 27, 2016, 11:21:00 pm
Hi, I'm back after rewriting the entirety of my essay and incorporating your feedback Lauren!
If I could receive a second assessment of my draft, it would be invaluable!

Spoiler
"Analyse how the central values portrayed in Pride and Prejudice are creatively reshaped in Letters to Alice on First Readin Jane Austen
The content and construction of texts are intrinsically linked with the social and historical factors inherent in a composer’s contemporary context. Accordingly, a comparative study of Jane Austen’s social satire Pride and Prejudice (1813)(Pride) and Fay Weldon’s meta-fictional hybrid novel Letters to Alice(1993)(Letters) demonstrates how a transition in context from Austen’s 19th Century Regency England to Weldon’s late 20TH Century post-modern world engenders distinct societal values and attitudes. In light of shared authorial desire to examine notions of autonomy and theories of a moral education, comparative reappraisal elucidates new insights, enabling connections between texts to creatively reshape values and enrich textual appreciations.

Austen and Weldon, united in their concerns for the suppressed female condition, radically advocate for individual autonomy against restrictive social constraints. Critical of legal institutions including the system of entailment which deprived women of financial independence, Austen in Pride censures her androcentric society for valuing marriage as an economic transaction instead of a romantic ideal. Indeed, her characterisation of Charlotte Lucas as the archetypal Georgian woman, evident by her cynical decree that “happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance”, exposes how conformation to societal expectations precludes individual felicity. As such, Charlotte becomes a foil to Elizabeth Bennet who is socially constructed by Austen to subvert convention. Despite comprehending that matrimony entails financial and social stability within Regency context, Elizabeth’s emotive repudiation of Mr Collin’s proposal, on the grounds that her “feelings in every respect forbid it!”, highlights her desire to remain autonomous from traditional expectations of feminity. Unable to exert a similar degree of self-determination, Charlotte marries “the conceited, pompous...silly Mr Collins” for the “disinterested desire of an establishment”, and consequentially “sacrifices every better feeling to worldly advantage”, with the hyperbole emphasising the dichotomy between self-fulfilment and the gendered limitations of Georgian England. Contrasting Charlotte’s hapless relationship, Elizabeth’s union with Mr Darcy, evoked through individual aspirations and defiance of social expectations, is characterised by “connubial felicity” apparent in Elizabeth’s superlative declaration that she is “the happiest creature in the world”. Thus, Austen elevates individual autonomy over repressive social constructs, as instrumental to self-fulfilment and emotional contentment.

Likewise, Weldon in Letters eulogises the universal value of autonomy, reshaping it to her postmodern context by reflecting upon the reality of contemporary female emancipation. Weldon’s examination of Alice and Aunt Fay’s capacity to travel, pursue a career and attend university highlights the greater economic autonomy afforded to women, engendered through the Equal Pay Act (1970). Empowered by the second wave feminist movement, Weldon trivialises the importance of marriage by juxtaposing “the stuff our women’s magazines..[with]...the stuff of their life” , whereby connotations of “stuff” relegate marriage to an “outmoded institution” within the 1980’s. In light of dissimilar contexts, Weldon’s construction of her fictional niece “Alice”- characterised “with black and green hair” in a manifestation of modern individuality-captures the enduring value of autonomy by mirroring Austen’s subversive heroine, Elizabeth.  Whilst Austen subtly challenges established conventions, Weldon explicitly encourages Alice to adopt non-conformist ideals by “swim[ming] against the stream of communal ideals”. The metaphor lends authority to her rhetorical question “How can I possibly tell you to run your life?”, emphasising the need for self-determination amidst social pressures.  Ironically, the persona of Aunt Fay seeks to impose her own prescriptive codes upon Alice, employing high modality and the imperative “must”, when asserting that Alice “must know how to read a novel..before..writing one”.  Consequently, the plot device of Alice attaining unorthodox literary success, having “sold more copies..than all of [Aunt Fay’s] novels put together” despite subverting Aunt Fay’s instructions, enables Weldon to communicate importance of autonomy for success and in doing so reshape Austen’s values.

Furthermore, both Austen and Weldon are connected in their endorsement of a holistic education, propounding moral development via introspection and retrospective reappraisal.  In Pride, Austen, through allusion to Fordyce’s Sermons, criticises traditional modes of education, such as conduct books, for their inconsequential impact on moral growth. Satirising such ineffectual education, Austen constructs the caricature of Mary who, whilst described as “the most accomplished girl in the neighbourhood” for her study of “great books”, is ironically incapable of social sensibility, evident as she “wished to say something sensible, but knew not how”.  Asserting the didactic axiom that “we all love to instruct, though we can teach only what is not worth knowing”, Austen, thus, conveys the notion that an valuable moral education is only attainable through introspection as opposed to external sources, reflecting Regency philosopher John Locke’s theory of epistemological development that “knowledge is a matter of reflection on experience”. Indeed, Elizabeth’s introspective perusal of Darcy’s letter, illustrated by self-contemplative language as she “read and reread with the greatest attention”, facilitates a newfound understanding “that she had been blind, partial, prejudiced, absurd”.  Contrasting Mary’s defective education, Elizabeth’s eclaircissement, depicted by the epiphany “till this moment, I never knew myself!”, results in augmented self-knowledge as she is ultimately able to address her moral shortcomings.  Through Elizabeth’s bildungsroman journey, Austen promulgates introspection as the most valuable form of education through its ability to improve an individual’s moral capacity. 

Whereas Austen champions introspection, Weldon in Letters promotes literature and its ability to develop empathy, as the greatest source of moral development. However within her 1980’s context, Weldon descries the declining value of literature due to technological proliferation, typified by modern obsession with “the tinny televisual representation of reality”. She censures Alice, a representative of modern society, for being “too unread, too little practised in empathy”, emphasising, through anaphora, how literary deprivation inhibits morality. Modelling Austen’s epistolary style to enhance her didactic assertions, Weldon encourages Alice to read “Literature with a capital L”, and in doing so echo Darcy’s sentiment that reading “adds something more substantial in the improvement of [the] mind”.  Employing the extended metaphor of the “City of Invention”, Weldon captures the inherent value of literature to transcend contextual limitations, and thus provide readers with a diachronic understanding of “new” and “old” ways. As such, Weldon depicts literature’s ability to figuratively “stretch our sensibilities and our understandings” by prompting readers to empathise through vicarious experiences. This tenet of moral development is exemplified by Weldon’s reappraisal of Charlotte’s entry into marriage. Engaging in retrospective historiography, Weldon contextualises Pride through statistic data that “only thirty percent married...so to marry was a great prize”, effectively eliciting pathos from the responder to vindicate Charlotte’s decision of marrying Mr Collins. For failing to evoke such moral and empathetic responses, Weldon satirises institutionalised education in her parody of exam and essay rubrics “People are getting nastier, society nicer: Discuss”, reflecting Austen’s critique of an ineffectual education. Thus, Weldon reshapes moral development to her postmodern context, advocating the literary canon in contrast to Austen’s value of introspection. 

Ultimately, by considering Pride and Letters in contiguity, it becomes apparent that Austen’s 19th Century values of autonomy and theories of moral development are creatively reshaped by Weldon to accommodate a transition in context to the 20th Century. Thus, a comparative study of Pride and Letters, by accentuating authorial and contextual disparities, engenders deeper insights into parallel thematic concerns, enabling responders to gain a deeper understanding and appreciation of both texts.

Thanks!
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: literally lauren on February 28, 2016, 04:11:40 pm
Feedback for NKD:
Spoiler
'The process of discovery involves a willingness to abandon established ways of thinking in order to embrace new outlooks.'

The process of discovery often involves an exchange between loss and gain not sure exchange is the right word here; that makes it sound as though you trade a loss for a gain, but what you seem to be getting at here is that both losses and gains are involved in the process of discovery(?). In particular an individual may change their way of thinking need a comma here enabling them to discover new perceptions of the world. This is demonstrated in William Shakespeare's romantic comedy The Tempest (1610) as well as William Golding's novel Lord of the Flies (1954). Both texts explore how as people change their outlook on the world comma - this is really minor, but when it comes to handwritten essays, it's easy for your reader to get lost if they don't know when natural pauses should occur it can become difficult to distinguish men from monsters. In addition the texts display power as an established way of thinking that can hinder an individual's ability to discover, as well as how freedom can have either positive or negative aspects on discovery. This is a little bit 'signpost-y,' which I know many people don't have a problem with and actually favour as a mode of introduction writing, but I'd argue you don't want to list your arguments in a really overt way - it's more impressive if you can weave them into the discussion more subtly. Here, all three of your major points (man vs. monsters, power, freedom) are presented with the same sentence structure of 'The text displays XYZ idea.' Instead, try to vary your expression a bit so you can introduce these points in slightly subtler ways.

Discovery can either limit or enhance an individual's established perceptions on the fine line dividing men and monsters. In the Tempest comma Shakespeare develops the island motif to explore how isolation from the civilised world can be dehumanising. The Elizabethan court and society represents law and order whereas the island represents a more primitive state of being. In the play there is a role reversal between spirit Ariel, who is humanised, and the protagonist Prospero, who is dehumanised. Notice how all of your sentences thusfar have been rought the same length? Like, they're all hovering around the 18 words per sentence mark? This can create a bit of a problem for your expression; you want to use longer ones for a more complex build up of ideas, and 'shorter' ones (still around 18 words :P) for really direct communication. In this instance, I think you could have combined a few of these sentences to unite your discussion a bit more, eg. 'In 'The Tempest,' Shakespeare develops the island motif to explore how isolation from the civilised world can be dehumanising, and as such, separates the island world of primitive values from the Elizabethan court representing law and order.'This is exemplified when Ariel tells Prospero of the Mariner's imprisonment, suggesting that Prospero’s ‘affections’ should be ‘tender’ and that, "Mine would, sir, were I human” ironically displaying Ariel’s humanity. Nice quote integration :) This juxtaposition of Ariel’s human emotions and Prospero’s lack thereof causes Prospero to question his own values as a human and leads him to discover new moral values antithetically declaring, "The rarer action is in virtue than in vengeance”. Shakespeare is didactically warning the audience of the easy descent into savagery and the hazy interchangeable divide between monsters and men. In the Lord of the Flies this journey from being a monster to a man so are you talking about the perception of humanity vs. monstrosity, like your topic sentence hinted at, or are you talking about actually being a man vs. actually being a monster? is subverted as the boys begin to regress from society and rational thinking. Like Shakespeare, Golding employs the island motif to manifest the characters’ inner monsters, which is symbolised in their primitive dance and their highly modal chant "Kill the beast! Cut his throat! Spill his blood", microcosmically representing the idea that everyone has a dark side. Simon’s discovery that the beast is not a monster but within themselves expression(?) is portrayed in a hallucinatory moment where he hears the severed pigs head reveal "I'm part of you”. This truth pinnacles can't really use this as a verb; you could say 'reaches a pinnacle/climax/zenith' when the boys including Ralph and Piggy, kill Simon towards the end of the novel, signifying their complete regression ironically becoming the beast they were hunting to begin with. Okay, there's some good analysis here, but now you need take this back to the idea of discovery. Don't end your paragraph on a point of evidence; that means I (your pretend assessor) have to do the thinking for you by wondering 'what does this have to do with the prompt?' So it's your job to answer that question before I get a chance to ask it!

At the start of your paragraphs, aim to link the previous discussion with the current one. Otherwise there's no sense of order to your paragraphs and your essay becomes three separate discussions rather than a single, unified argument that builds on itself. Power can be all-consuming, however when relinquished it can lead to redemption and new outlooks. The tempest itself is a symbol of Prospero's magical abuse of power and his desire to control others. Shakespeare introduces the motif of the tempest in the opening scene of the play, it seems a little odd to say what the tempest symbolises, and then have a sentence about how 'Shakespeare introduces the motif of the tempest' - surely that second statement should come first? & this is another instance where the sentences could easily be combined so they're not so stilted when Prospero conjures “dreadful thunderclaps” and “fire and cracks of sulphurous roaring” to punish his enemies. Through these hellish and evil connotations, the tempest symbolises Prospero’s magical abuse of power and his desire to control nature. this is a bit too similar to the emboldened sentence above; I'd say you could afford to just get rid of the first one and then fully flesh out the symbolism here instead. In particular Prospero uses the tempest and abuses his power to control Ariel, Caliban and the other mariners who arrive on the island. Could you combine this evidence with the previous sentence? After seeing what his abuse of magic and power has done to those around him, Prospero decides to relinquish his power and magic, metonymically you can say the "staff" and "book" are metonyms, but you can't really say he 'metonymically declares' something  declaring '"I'll break my staff, I'll drown my book" opening himself to all the elements of nature. Prospero , meaning that he is no longer blinded by power, enabling him to embrace new outlooks. This is emphasised in the closing scene when he promises his former enemies “calm seas [and] auspicious gails” on the voyage back to Naples, the soft sibilant assurance establishing a sharp juxtaposition between the hellish tempest of the opening scene. In Lord of the Flies need a comma here Golding develops a similar juxtaposition to display how power can be all-consuming.  Jack represents the primitive autocratic government in contrast to the conch which acts as a symbol of democratic government. When Piggy is killed and the conch simultaneously “exploded into a thousand white fragments and ceased to exist” the idea of democracy emblematically ceases to exist. This use of hyperbolic imagery foreshadows Jack’s ostensible omnipotence over the group.  In the denouement when boys are rescued “Jack started forward, then changed his mind and stood still”. This effective use of sibilance earlier when you were analysing Shakespeare's verse, the word 'sibilance' was appropriate since it contributed to the meaning, but here, analysing the words 'stood still' as being sibilant doesn't seem quite so relevant. Not all instances of alliteration will be worth commenting on; the symbolic discussion you're doing here should be sufficient in terms of close analysis and symbolic movement signifies his transformation from being powerful to becoming passive, embracing renewed outlooks on the proper balance of power that exists in society. Hence both Shakespeare and Golding employ stark juxtapositions between power control (or some other synonym to prevent the repetition within this sentence) and a lack thereof in order to reveal the volatility of power and how it impacts an individual’s ability to embrace new outlooks. Good closer.

Freedom is often the catalyst for an individual to alter their ways of thinking. In the Tempest, when Prospero frees himself from power he then releases his slave Caliban, Ariel, and the mariners need a comma here conveying how the discovery of individual freedom can lead to collective liberation. Most prominent is Caliban’s transformation, who as he is initially depicted as wicked sub-human “devil” and yet once freed from slavery is humanised and is able to better himself, "I'll "be wise hereafter and seek for grace". This eloquent highly modal declaration juxtaposes starting to overuse this word a bit; try to vary your discussion by talking about 'contrasts,' 'comparisons' and 'associations' rather than just 'juxtapositions.' Caliban’s former incoherent diction, suggesting that freedom can lead to renewed and positive outlooks on life. Shakespeare is perhaps reacting to the imperial colonisation of the English empire during the Elizabethan era hinting that it is not slaves who are savage but the act of enslavement itself. However, in contrast, unlike the Tempest, in Lord of the Flies now there's a bit of an excess of linking words :P Either 'In contrast, Lord of the Flies shows...' or 'However, in Lord of the Flies...' would be sufficient since you're already implying there's a point of difference between the two texts here freedom does not lead to positive outlooks because on the island all the boys are powerful with no parents or laws restricting their behaviour. Most notable is Roger's transformation who the reason why this bit sounds odd is because you've isolated 'Roger's transformation' as the focus of your sentence, but then you've used the word 'who,' referring to Rodger instead of his transformation. So this should either be 'Rodger, whose transformation...' or 'The most notable transformation is Rogers as he...' initially clings to the " taboo of the old life" however he progressively tests the bounds how can be 'test the bounds' if you're arguing there are no bounds? of his new-found freedom and discovers there are no boundaries. When Piggy rhetorically and asks the group “Which is better – to have rules and agree, or to hunt and kill?” he antithetically the rest of this analysis is fine, but the word 'antithetically' doesn't belong here. It's usually used to refer to opposites, as in, 'he worked for a mega-corporation whose values were antithetical to his own,' so I'm not sure what you're intending here? foreshadows Roger’s downfall where he horrifyingly kills Piggy, suffering no punishment or consequences for his actions. Hence, Golding is illustrating the idea that unrestrained freedom can have negative consequences and without proper government, laws and order, civilisation inevitably falls into chaos. Perhaps you could go a step further here and say that Golding implies that rules and agreement cannot coexist with the desire to hunt and kill seeing as Piggy sets up that dichotomy where they can seemingly have one or another. The gradual collapse of the rules in LotF happens in inverse proportion to the growing cruelty and animalistic nature of the characters which might be a kind of discovery you could flag here just to push this B.P. along. See end comments for more regarding 'start & end points.'

Together, the texts provide insight as to how discovery must involve an individual's eagerness to embrace new perceptions of the world. Both Shakespeare and Golding explore how as people change their outlook on the world it can become difficult to distinguish between men and monsters and can therefore hinder an individual's opportunity to discover. In addition, the texts display how power can corrupt an individual's moral compass and restrict them from embracing new ways of thinking, yet it can also foster redemption and discovery. The Tempest and Lord of the Flies demonstrate how freedom can have both positive and negative implications for an individual’s ability to embrace new outlooks. this is a very summative conclusion which won't lose you any marks, but won't help you gain any either. Your conclusion is your chance to say something profound to the assessor about the nature of discovery, so if all you're doing is summarising your essay, you're kind of missing that opportunity to 'zoom out' and say something on a more holistic level.

In general, your analysis here is pretty high grade, and I like that you're finding connections between the texts within your paragraphs instead of leaving the comparison till the end or just discussing each one in isolation. You also seem to have a pretty good balance of ideas + evidence which is awesome.

However, the instances of repetition (particularly in your intro and conclusion) are somewhat costly, and the fact that you are running through your key ideas so often can actually detract from the quality of your writing.

For instance, if I had an essay like:
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INTRODUCTION
Discovery is a multifaceted concept. Sometimes discoveries can cause us pain. Furthermore, we don't always understand the consequences of what we discover right away. Moreover, the things we discover can affect our lives in many ways.

1st B.P.
Often the discoveries we make can lead to us experiencing pain and hardship.

2nd B.P.
Likewise, it can be difficult for us to fathom the repercussions of our discoveries.

3rd B.P.
Our lives are also affected in many ways by the things we make discoveries about.

CONCLUSION:
Thus discoveries may lead to pain and suffering, but they can also have unforeseen consequences. It is also possible for us to be impacted in different ways by our discoveries. Ultimately, the nature of discovery is manifold and complex.
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(I'm simplifying here; we're focusing on the structure, not the ideas :P)

So for each of my three core points, I've got a sentence in both my intro and my conclusion, meaning that the essay feels a bit formulaic and repetitive, even with the paraphrasing I've done.

I also want to say something about 'start and end points,' by which I mean the first and last sentence in each body paragraph. For the most part, you've got the right idea in terms of 'zooming out,' ie. having these start and end points be about general ideas (like you've done in your second and third paras,) and not about specific examples (like the end of your first.) However, you also want to be careful not to make your start and end points too similar. This is another factor that leads to repetition; instead of:
      - Here is my idea
      - This is the textual evidence for my idea
      - Thus, here is my idea
...you want something more like:
      - Here is my idea
      - This is the textual evidence for my idea
      - This is why my idea helps me argue my main point.
What this means is that the last sentence of each B.P. should not simply be a paraphrased version (or something very similar to) your first sentence. You want to be taking your assessor on a bit of a journey throughout your essay, and every instance of repetition will pull them out of that journey and make them acknowledge that you're repeating yourself. As such, you want to sufficiently vary the way you express your ideas to avoid this potential problem in the future.

You also seem to favour relatively short sentences, which is good in that it lets you communicate your points clearly and effectively, but in terms of the quality of your writing overall, you want to change things up a bit and show the assessor you have the confidence to split and combine sentences freely. (I know you're not writing five word sentences, but this might still be relevant!) See the below feedback for Hamza98 regarding linking sentences.

Most of this stuff is just fine-tuning though; you've got great content - now you just have to get the presentation and articulation of that content right :)

Feedback for Hamza98:
Spoiler
How does Ondaatje’s narrative structure reflect his concerns and his context?

Michael Ondaatje’s “In the Skin of a Lion” (ITSOAL) is a text that utilises its unique narrative structure to reflect the author’s concerns and context. Love that you're dealing with the prompt right frmo the outset. Unfortunately this prompt is pretty vague and broad, but you've done well to focus on it here. Just be careful not to always use the exact words in the prompt every time (- it's fine here, but I just wanted to note this so you don't get into the habit of slightly rewording the prompt for every introduction; varying your vocab is important too.) The narrative structure is unique in that Ondaatje uses a non-linear fragmented narrative, through which Ondaatje is able to have multiple voices co-exist simultaneously. These unique attributes have been influenced by post-modern and post-colonial thought. These two sentences could easily become: 'Ondaatje's non-linear, fragmented narrative enables him to have multiple voices coexist simultaneously, which are features largely influenced by post-modern and post-colonial schools of thought.'

Post-modernism, the absence of any certainty, discredits the core values of modernism, opposing the fixed principles of meaning and value. This ideology seeks to break away from the norm and challenge conventional storytelling. THANK YOU for defining this! Chances are your assessors will already know what it means too, but it's so important to have this clarification here right from the start so you're not just saying 'oh yeah, Ondaatje is all about them post-modern ideals' without ever telling us what post-modern ideals even are :P Great job here! Ondaatje embraces aspects of post-modernism through the creation of a novel that breaks away from the traditional narrative. ITSOAL’s story is told through a non-linear narrative that is also fragmented. The fragmented nature of the narrative links to the novel’s motif of dynamites and the theme of destruction and creation. This is another bundle of sentences that could easily be combined to give: 'Ondaatje embraces aspects of post-modernism througn ITSOAL's non-traditional narrative style, and the text's fragmented form links to the motif of dynamite and the idea of destruction.' Few more things to note: check with your teacher whether it's permissible to use 'ITSOAL' instead of the full title - I know some assessors who are stingy about things like this. Also, try not to use the word 'theme' in your essay. The motif of the dynamite stems from Patrick’s father’s use of dynamite to destroy large rocks into smaller fragments. He used this to aid him in logging the forest. Lots of short, jarring sentences here are breaking up the flow of your ideas. Similarly, Ondaatje uses dynamites I get what you're going for, but the author isn't actually using dynamite to destroy the novel :P to destroy the narrative itself into smaller fragments. These fragments are then pieced together by the reader, in order to co-construct the narrative. The co-construction as in, the author and the reader are both 'creating' the novel? I'm not sure what you mean by this. of the narrative reflects Ondaatje’s ‘creative’ method of storytelling.

ITSOAL is self-reflexive, this comma doesn't belong here - it should be either a semicolon or a full stop, though obviosuly a three word sentence is quite short, so you should try and reword this to something like 'ITSOAL's self-reflexive nature disrupts the reading process...' it disrupts the reading process to explore its own textual nature, which highlights is evident in the use of metafiction. Ondaatje breaks the illusion of reality and engages the reader in the process of making the meaning of the text, rather than simply allowing them to receive it. The responder is made a producer rather than simply a consumer. "Only the best art can order the chaotic tumble of events. Only the best can realign chaos to suggest both the chaos and order it will become." Try to integrate this quote - leaving it here as a sentence on its own makes it seem separate from your analysis. The idea is to blend textual evidence with your own discussion, so you should aim to pick out the important parts of the novel and embed them within your writing. Here, Ondaatje uses the technique of intrusion, where an author makes a direct comment on his novel and what would that comment be? What is the author saying here? Be more specific!.

This "chaos" is also created through the use of frame- a story within a story. are there words missing here? Also, how is this different from metafiction exactly? Towards the conclusion of the novel, the corners of the story are pulled together and readers are able to close the frame that encapsulated the inner story. The car ride woah! This jump into evidence is really rapid - in the previous sentence you're talking about the novel's structure as a whole, and now we're talking about a car ride?? Aim for smoother transitions between ideas and evidence is the result of Ondaatje's ability to transcend time and space- the story ends at the beginning of the novel and begins at the end, as if Patrick has told his story not only to the young girl Hana, but ultimately, to readers. This discontinuity and elliptical narrative structure is used in a deliberate attempt to destabilize the conventional narrative and proceed in a manner that imitates the sequence of memory, reminding readers that his novel, like one's memory, can be unreliable. excellent idea! Really love this sentence! :) Ondaatje searches for a version of the truth through experimentation and human experience, disputing the way dominant cultures have imposed their views as the ultimate truth. There is no one grand narrative in history. Notice how when I take this sentence out of context, it has nothing to do with the text? At the moment, this sentence just sounds like your own opinion that you're inserting at the end of your discussion. If you want to get credit for this, make it clear that this is something Ondaatje suggests/implies/establishes etc.

Some transition between paragraphs would be good too. Jumping into your next discussion with no link at all means that your paragraphs don't feel as though they're building on one another - they just feel like separate discussions packed together. Post-Colonialism is a resistance to the colonial power and addresses ? and gives voice to the minorities who historically were silenced. Ondaatje retells the story of Toronto from the perspective of the migrants who built the foundations on which Toronto resides today. These once marginalised migrants are now given a chance to present history from their perspective and gives readers the underside of their unofficial history. These migrants who spent their lives living on the periphery of society have their voices heard through the power that Patrick possesses. Throughout the novel Patrick is portrayed as always searching for light and with it, he shines it on others. He acts as a mirror reflecting light from a distance without participating. This motif of light allows Patrick to give migrants a chance to have their voices heard. Some repetition of phrasing here, and I think a lot of these sentences could be collapsed together, but the step-by-step logic of your explanations is pretty good. Additionally Ondaatje believes that those with a grasp on language ultimately find themselves in power. This is evident in the relationship between a storyteller, like Patrick, and a listener such as Hana. For a brief moment, the person running the story has the power to create reality. Ultimately this reality will be biased as it is told by someone who is in power. Having a multiplicity of voices prevents the marginalisation of voices. This links back to don't draw attention to repetition! See the above feedback for NKD regarding 'start and end points' but in general, try to build out to a bigger idea at the end of your paragraph rather than just round back to the same point you raised at the beginning the post-colonial belief of empowering the colonised through language.

Ondaatje’s use of narrative structure and intertextuality reflects his post-modern and post-colonial concerns. Ondaatje achieves this through post-modern inspired concerns such as breaking away from the norm and challenging conventional narratives. Ondaatje additionally embraces aspects of post-colonialism by highlighting the stories of those living on the periphery of society. Again, there's some repetition in phrasing here with each of these sentences beginning with 'Ondaatje...' which could easily be avoided by altering the sentence structure.

Okay, I know you said you've left most quotes out, so I haven't made as many comments regarding your use of evidence, meaning that this feedback is mainly about your essay and sentence structure. I just thought I'd mention here that you'd obviously need to include (and integrate!) more quotes in order to get a decent mark, otherwise a lot of the great ideas you've got here would be unsubstantiated.

The biggest issue here is regarding your syntax and the length/focus of your sentences. I'm going to give you a brief rundown of something called 'sentence topicality,' and then I'll explain why this is important and how you can fix this.

Every sentence has a 'topic' or a focal point. It has to be a noun, and usually it occurs at the beginning of a sentence. For instance:
'The house on the hill is bright red, and my uncle used to live there.'
'The house' is obviously the topic, since that's the thing we're talking about.

Now let's look at the following passage:
The house on top of the hill is bright red, and my uncle used to live there. My uncle moved houses in the late 70's after he turned 18. He turned 18 in April. The house on top of the hill is now occupied by a young family from Sudan. Sudan is a country torn apart by civil war.

Clearly the focus of this discussion is all over the place, and it doesn't help that most of the 'topics' are repeated and carried over from the end of the previous sentence.Compare that to the following:
The house on top of the hill is bright red, and my uncle used to live there, but he moved out in the late 70's after his birthday in April. The house is now occupied by a young family from Sudan since their country has been torn apart by civil war.

^This is waaaay smoother because I've incorporated those short sentences that had similar focuses, and I've kept the flow of the discussion going without needing to repeat information.

The most basic summation I can give you is that at the moment, your sentences are too short, and you're repeating your sentence topics too much which is making your writing kind of sharp and stagnated. So the easiest fix is to force yourself to write slightly longer sentences whilst still ensuring your writing is clear and grammatical. If you have two or three sentences with similar topics, and each one is only serving to get across a single point (eg. 'His birthday is in April' or 'ITSOAL’s story is told through a non-linear narrative that is also fragmented') then try to combine it with one or more of the surrounding sentences. You can do this on a small scale first by just taking one of these paragraphs out and workshopping it until it flows better, and then hopefully once you start writing full essays, the process will be more natural to you.

Only other comments I have are regarding the end points of your paragraphs, some of which were a tad weak and/or repetitious - try to zoom out a bit more and have a nice 'Therefore the author seeks to XYZ' or 'Thus the author implies that XYZ' type of sentence to close strongly.

Keep up the great work! :)

Feedback for Bethany Leise:
Spoiler
Discoveries can be intensely personal and significant.
How do the texts you have studied explore these ideas? Refer to your set text/s and one other text of your own choosing.


Discovery, whilst it has the potential to be intensely transformative, one’s knowledge and foresight of events initiating change removes elements of surprise and sincerity, potentially preventing the individual from undergoing a personal and significant discovery Okay, I'm going to do a big dissection of this sentence just for the purposes of demonstration but if you can read over this yourself and see that something's wrong, you'll probably be able to fix it. I'll explain this nevertheless just for others' benefits or by way of showing you why this is ungrammatical. Also, I believe I am under explicit instructions to "tear it apart," so here goes... :)
First, let's simplify what you're saying:
Discovery, whilst it can be transformative, knowledge removes elements of surprise, preventing people from undergoing discovery.
The main problem here is that at the start, I'm thinking 'discovery' is going to be the focus of this sentence, but then yuo switch to talking about knowledge and foresight. It's kind of like:
(Discovery, (whilst it can be transformative) ) (knowledge (removes elements of surprise,) (preventing people from undergoing discovery.)) 
The second part of this sentence is totally fine: we've got 'knowledge' as our focus, and we're saying that it a) 'removes elements of surprise' and b) 'prevents people from undergoing discovery.' However, when we look at the first bit, we can see that it's incomplete. If I just said to you 'Discovery, whilst it can be transformative.' you'd be like ...umm, what about it? Cause it's an incomplete sentence, right? What are we saying about discovery?? The 'whilst it can be transformative' bit is just an extra aside; it can't complete the sentence for us. To use a similar example:
'My mother, even though she's 43, my father is a talented builder, responsible for constructing our whole house.'
See how we've got 'my mother' isolated as our opening focus, but we never go on to say anything about her? This is because the topic of the sentence (see above feedback for Hamza98 for a more detailed explanation of this) shifts in a way that isn't obvious to the reader.
The reason I'm drawing so much attention to this is because if your assessor is confused by your very first sentence, it can make a bad impression that's hard to undo. Perhaps this was a typo or a mistake that you know is wrong, but it's still going to stand out to the person reading your essay, so you want to make sure that initial impression is as flawless as can be :). In Shakespeare’s The Tempest, Miranda’s ignorance of her past allows her to be transformed whilst Prospero’s knowledge and orchestration of his own discovery prevents him from undergoing a substantially transformative experience. Good point. Similarly, the persona in Nicole Redhouse’s short story ‘This is who you are. You’ll see’, is raised with an intellectual knowledge of his future discoveries, diminishing, if not entirely removing, their impact on him. Ideally you want your introductions to be geared more so towards ideas rather than evidence, but since this is a fairly short speech, I can't really blame you for not introducing a whole bunch of broad discussion points given that you presumably had quite a short word limit or time restriction. Just for future reference, try not to put specific pieces of evidence in introductions for your essays - this treads the line between being a bit too specific, though it's fine in this context.

A lack of intellectual and emotional knowledge of one’s self leads to a heightened impact of discovery. In Shakespeare’s The Tempest, the protagonists daughter, Miranda this sounds a bit odd seeing as you've kind of introduced her in your introduction (hence why you don't want to put evidence there; it preempts later discussion!), has been confined to the island for most of her life, leading to a limited intellectual understanding of discoveries within an individual’s her lifetime. The idea of topic sentences is to outline a general concern which you then use to 'zoom in' to the text. So it goes from broad discussion about the nature of discovery --> specific textual examples of the aforementioned idea. What you've done here, though, is gone from the general idea, into the text, and then back to a general idea ('...understanding of discoveries within an individual's life') at the end. Make this a linear transition from A to B, and you can then zoom out at the end of your paragraph and go back to these general ideas once your point has been made. Upon learning of her origins from Prospero, she claims ‘Your tale, sir, would cure deafness’, hyperbolically conveying her amazement at new knowledge. Conversely, the persona in Nicole Redhouse’s short story ‘This is who you are. You’ll see’ again, this similarity in phrasing with the intro (which would be, at most, thirty seconds apart in a speech) sounds a bit clunky has grown up with parents as psychologists, and from a young age is intellectually aware of his developmental maturity but as a result, emotionally unable to connect. His most significant discovery comes as an ‘epiphanic moment of clarity’ during an unplanned evening of drinking. Redhouse’s reference to the Oedipus complex as the persona’s ‘psychology buddies’ discuss Freud’s cultural dominance and the persona’s unawareness and ‘strange ambivalence’ towards the concept, it seems like you're skimming the surface of this evidence without explaining the example and what it demonstrates. I'm struggling to follow your logic here even though I'm familiar with your text. So the persona makes reference to Oedipal complexes while his 'psychology buddies' discuss Freud, so his unawareness/ambivalence show the power of unexpected discoveries... ??? Perhaps it's because you're doing this so quickly, but I think the explanation needs to be a bit more step-by-step to ensure the audience are following your train of thought. Even a few extra sentences would help clarify this connection reinforces the power of unexpected enlightenment. Likewise, one of Miranda’s most significant discoveries is the one most unexpected to her: the appearance of Ferdinand. Her religious allusion describing Ferdinand as ‘A thing divine, for nothing natural I ever saw so noble’ reinforces starting to repeat this word a bit - find synonyms if this is something you use often! the positively heightened impact of unforeseen encounters. And conversely with Redhouse’s persona, high modality descriptions ‘so enraged by his dogma  that your glass break in your white-knuckled hand’ presents the profound negative effects of unanticipated revelations. However positive or negative, the unexpectedness of discoveries increase their impact. Nice point, but going back and forth between the texts might actually be to the detriment of your discussion overall. I'm a big fan of in-paragraph comparisons contrary to the one-paragraph-per-text approach that others may favour, but you never want to compare at the expense of analysing. Thus, instead of going from Shakespeare to Redhouse to Shakespeare to Redhouse, perhaps incorporate your analysis of Shakespeare at the beginning, then transition to discussing Redhouse, and zoom out at the end by reinforcing the idea(s) that will link them together. This just makes it less jumpy for your audience, and might enable you to better flesh out your examples rather than feeling the need to transition too soon.

An individual’s awareness of their future experiences and the consequential repercussions impairs their capacity to personally connect to their discoveries. Prospero in The Tempest undergoes a journey of discovery of his own orchestration. His ‘art’, brief aside: if this is a speech and you're required to use textual evidence, you should try and draw attention to the fact that you're quoting here. This is really hard to explain through the medium of text, but basically think about how your intonation could change to reflect the fact that you're citing an example. You almost want to have those quotation marks evident in your voice by having a bit of a pause between 'His' and 'art' and you might even use your body language to imply that you're referencing something. Little details like this can make all the difference :) and position as the engineer of what occurs on stage puts him in control of his own development, and while he is able to make discoveries about forgiveness, his self-importance leaves him fixated on the past as he requests ‘retire me to Milan’. this isn't quite integrated, and might sound a bit odd if you have to read it aloud. Similarly, the persona in ‘This is who you are. You’ll see’ you generally don't have to repeat the title after you've used it once. It'd be enough to say 'Redhouse's protagonist...' or 'in Redhouse's short story...' uses second person ‘you are in the throes of teenage cynicism, from which vantage point it seems a deeply clichéd thing to do’, this isn't integrated either - make the quote fit in your sentence so that if I took the quotation marks away, it'd still should grammatical emphasizing his distance from his emotions and arrested ability to feel the significance of his own discovery. Commonly mesmerising journeys are diminished to passing phrases like ‘Also, you want to travel’ removing their significance. He is simultaneous intellectually aware and emotionally ignorant of his developmental achievements as he journeys through life, and in order to discover, must retract intellectually. In the case of Prospero, as he pleads for the audience to ‘Let your indulgence set me free' in his epilogue, demonstrates demonstrating an acceptance of diminished control leading to his substantial forgiveness of his ‘enemies’ in offering them a ‘hearty welcome’ in Act 5. It sounds a bit odd to say Prospero's pleading leads to his forgiveness of his enemies when the latter occurs first, and the 'Let your indulgence' bit is the very last line of the play.

Thus it can be seen that discoveries have the potential to be both personal and significant however an individual’s knowledge and control over their own discovery plays a substantial role in the impact of the discovery. Good wrap-up, though obviously this wouldn't be enough for a full essay. It's perfectly fine for a speech, though you may have had an extra line or two just to reinforce this idea and explain some of its other facets, rather than just giving us a somewhat abrupt, one-sentence summation.

Really good work overall - there's not much here to unpack since this is a fairly short piece, but in general, your textual analysis was pretty decent, and you've supported your thesis statement well. Be careful not to transition between examples too often as there were moments where I thought the importance of your evidence could've been fleshed out a little more. Also, make sure you're integrating your quotes appropriately. Other than that, you're all good :) Well done!

Feedback for supercooper284:
Spoiler
How has the treatment of similar content in a pair of texts shaped and reshaped your understanding of the values and attitudes of their differing contexts?

In all aspects of literature, authors seek to convey perspectives that reflect the context of the period in which they write, through their works. A comparative study of James Joyce’s Dubliners and Seamus Heaney’s Poems reveals how such authors incorporate their differing contexts into their writing, which in turn helps to shape and re-shape one’s understanding of the values and attitudes of 20th century Ireland. Ireland is a nation defined by its religious attitudes, its political context (Northern vs Southern, unionist vs nationalist) don't put brackets in formal writing, and don't use 'vs.' either. Not only is it a colloquial abbreviation, but it's also not technically a word since 'versus' is a kind of new-age construction that a lot of English teachers detest :P  and its urban and rural landscapes. And so, this is a bit of a weak linking phrase. Aim for something stronger like 'Furthermore...' 'Thus...' or 'To this end...' both authors discuss the paralysing nature of Irish society, with Joyce focusing solely on stasis and Heaney recognising confinement but moving beyond this ideal into reflection. This is due to their differing physical and historical contexts, urban vs rural and 20s vs 60s see above, which assist in emphasising their views towards everyday Irish stasis, religious oppression and the paralysing nature of familial duty. this is a bit 'list-y.' Try not to have your introduction contain a sentence that just runs down your major sub-arguments - either integrate them into your introductory discussions, or just leave them out and let your topic sentences do the outlining for you.

The similar content discussed in the story Counterparts and the poem Casualty reveals around expression. This should either be 'revolves around' or just 'reveals' the paralysing nature of every day <--one word, in this context, not two life in Ireland. Joyce centres his story around the protagonist, Farrington, who is a representation of the desolation that overshadowed the lives those living in urban Ireland in the 1920s. Joyce uses this character to highlight the paralysing nature of everyday Irish society you've already got some unnecessary repetition here. The topic sentence states that Joyce explores everyday paralysis, then you introduce the protagonist Farrington as a key point of evidence, then here state that Farrington represents everyday paralysis. Don't overtly mark your evidence by stating what it means both before and after bringing it up - think of your essay as a linear journey or train of thought - doing loops and backtracking isn't really ideal if you're trying to get your assessors from A to B. and the cyclical, mundanity that is every day’s reality. Joyce describes Dublin wait, so we're not discussing Farrington? Wht was he brought up in the previous sentence if you're focussing on Joyce's characterisation of Dublin? as a gloomy place as “Darkness, accompanied by a thick fog, was gaining upon the dusk of February.” Such a pictorial description sets the reader up to identify the context as dark and confining, forming the basis of paralysis in the story. Joyce often proposes the idea of confronting the stasis, as when, “His whose? This quote isn't integrated and it's not clear what its context is body ached to do something, to rush out and revel in violence.” However while the idea is mentioned, it is never acted upon and so the characters in his story cease to break free from this confinement. This is where Heaney differs. Heaney approaches the idea of every day stasis with reference to a Historical no need to capitalise this event - The Bloody Sunday riots, in Casualty. The verse discusses occupation and is a reflection on his own choice to become a writer through the character. The character described, “Had gone miles away/ For he drank like a fish/Nightly, naturally/ Swimming towards the lure/ Of warm lit-up places.” Heaney uses enjambment to control the tempo of the poem, and literary effects such as simile “drank like a fish” and alliteration “nightly, naturally” to emphasise the obvious, repeated drinking ritual that the protagonist centres his life around okay, but why does a simile and some alliteration emphasise the obvious repetitiveness of the protagonist's daily rituals? You might be right, but you've haven't quite shown me that you're right - you've just stated that there is a connection between this evidence and your idea. Heaney, however, goes further than Joyce’s description of paralysis by idealising this sort of ritualistic lifestyle, “I tasted freedom with him.” this isn't integrated. Make the words of the text fit your sentences such that the punctuation could be removed and things would still make sense; don't just put your evidence at the end of the sentence. This kind of structured paralysis gives purpose to the character’s life, <-- should be a semicolon here so much so that it ends up being the very thing that kills him, but he found a sense of freedom within the confines of the character who lived according to a ritual - drinking. <--link?--> Both stories touch on the ideal of societal stasis in Ireland, however comparing these two writings re-shape ones understanding of the values of Irish culture that developed between the 1920s and 1960s, in two different physical contexts. your end point is a bit too general. Which values of Irish culture have you explored here? And which physical contexts? You've got the right idea in terms of zooming out and having a more general sentence at the end, but you have to make sure it's based on the foundation of the discussion that has preceded it, otherwise you've just got a really general summative point that isn't actually summarising what you've talked about. It's kind of like having a point of evidence and then wrapping up by saying 'Therefore both texts explore a variety of core ideas and common societal concerns in different ways.' <-- that's technically right, but it's also a bit too zoomed out to be meaningful.

^link?-->The connection between Eveline and Mid-Term Break lies within the discussion of familial responsibility and the paralysing nature of this duty. Joyce writes from the perspective of a female eldest child, who is bogged down with the duty of being a mother to her younger siblings. He describes this responsibility as restricting, her only hope of freedom being to get married - “But in her new home, in distant, unknown country, it would not be like that. Then she would be married - she, Eveline.” see above regarding quote integration. This self identification, in aligning her own name next to the prospect of marriage, idealises freedom for the protagonist. how so? I'm not following Her familial duties, however, tie her to her homeland, and so when the opportunity to leave arises, she narrates, “No! No! No! It was impossible. Her hands clutched the iron in frenzy. Amid the seas she sent a cry of anguish……She set her white face to him, passive, like a helpless animal.” I think the problem might be that your quotes are simply too long. You're not meant to insert entire sentences from the set text in your pieces - you're meant to select the important bits of that evidence and just incorporate those. The integration at the start of this quote is a bit better than other instances in your piece, but the fact that you're quoting over 30 words kind of undermines that effort. Aim to have quotes that are eight words or less - if you're quoting any more than that, then you've probably got some unnecessary details there that aren't actually contributing to your argument. The ending to the story is an image of absolute paralysis, where Joyce uses the contextual ideal of familial duty to disable the protagonist from breaking free of her confinement. This is emphasised by the use of similie, “Like a helpless animal.” combining these sentences would let you embed this evidence in a much smoother way (eg. 'Joyce uses the contextual ideal of familiar duty, as evidenced in the simile of her being "like a helpless animal," in order to disable the protagonist from breaking free of her confinement.'   <--link?-->In Mid-Term Break, Heaney describes the duty of an eldest sibling from a male perspective. The poem is written with elegiac intentions, and so the tone is more reflective than that of Eveline, which is assisted by the form of the text. The strain placed on the protagonist in this text, however, is much less of a burden than for the female in Eveline. The boy “Was embarrased/ By old men standing up to shake my hand/ And tell me they were ‘sorry for my trouble.’” sort of integrated, only you should be modyifying the 'my' and 'me's to '[his]' and '[him]' by using square brackets. This is a description of the boys ‘role as a father’ are you quoting here?, shaking friends <-- should be an apostrophe after the 's' here because it's plural and possessive hands at the funeral. However his duty is far less constricting. This difference in the interpretation of familial duty outlines the differences in responsibility between genders. The poem moves away from the restrictive nature of responsibility in the beginning, surpassing the confinement that Eveline is based on. While the expectations placed on an eldest sibling of a family is not unique to one culture, the perspectives offered by Joyce and Heaney suggest that for Irish Catholic families, a very heavy burden of responsibility falls on the eldest child. Contrast can be found between both authors’ interpretation of familial stasis, shaping emphasising the different attitudes towards male and female eldest sibling duty in 20th century Ireland. Great stuff! This para conclusion is much better :) You've built out to a specific idea, yet you've got a broad enough focus to be able to comment on both texts' core ideas - really great stuff!

Ultimately, the idea of Irish paralysis in both rural and urban Ireland in the 20th century, is discussed all throughout Joyce’s short stories and Heaney’s Poems unless the title of the text is 'Poems' which I don't think it is ('Selected Poems' maybe) this should just be lowercase. Both authors, however, approach religious paralysis, societal stasis and the confining nature of familial duty avoid listing, from differing historical and physical contexts. Therefore, the ideas expressed in their texts help to shape and re-shape each other, as one are you using 'one' in the context of 'one person'/'a reader,' or as in 'one of the texts?' The former is fine, but the latter would make this sentence ungrammatical compares and contrasts the attitudes of each author towards paralysis. The ultimate message of each text is to highlight Irish culture, in both a negative and a reflective light, giving the reader insight into Irish cultural perspectives surrounding stasis in the 20th century. The continuing effect of this discussion on of paralysis encourages the reader to think about the restrictions found within one’s own context, and Heaney’s poetry in particular, no comma here is an encouragement to break free of such restraints. Studying the texts together leads to a greater understanding of the nature and effects of paralysis. For society, it is important to recognise paralysing agents in order to break free from these constraints, perhaps even small things that hold us back from adventure in everyday life. Conclusion is a little rambly once you get past the listing; try to wrap things up quickly and concisely.

So there's some good textual discussion here, and I'm impressed you're able to discuss 'Dubliners' so well since that's definitely one of the hardest books on the HSC list. Structurally, there are some issues here though. The discussion in NKD's essay feedback regarding listing ideas in the intro and conclusion is also relevant for you, so I'd recommend checking that out if this is something you struggle with.

Quote integration is another big thing - you want to make the evidence you're quoting fit the sentence that you're writing so that (and I think I've mentioned this in your essay,) if you were to take away the quotation marks, it should still make sense grammatically. So for instance, if I'm taking the original quote: “Mr. Duffy lived a short distance from his body.” and I want to put that into my essay, I might say:
Joyce describes Mr. Duffy as "liv[ing] a short distance from his body," which signifies...
or
In the text "Mr. Duffy live[s ] a short distance from his body," which implies...
I may not have to use [square brackets] to modify things every time, but see how the language of the text is smoothly incorporated into the discussion? That should be your goal when embedding textual evidence.

You also need some more substantial linking sentences when transitioning between texts within paragraphs, and between paragraphs. Most of the time you'd just go from talking about one text to another like '...as is reinforced in Joyce's protagonist. In Heaney's story, the idea of...' which is permissible in moderation, but shouldn't be your default/only way of transitioning. Words like 'Similarly...' and 'Contrarily' go a long way :)

However, for a rough draft, this is an awesome start, and you're doing so much right. (Forgive me for being the kind of marker who pays attention to weaknesses rather than strengths :P) Keep it up; you've got a great foundation here for further improvement.

edit: okay, I have exceeded my own land-speed record for stupid amounts of essay feedback and have hit the forum's word limit  ::) so @lha & diiiiiiiii, please see below :P
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: literally lauren on February 28, 2016, 04:14:33 pm
Feedback for lha:
Spoiler
Compare how Tirra Lirra by the River and Tennyson’s poetry explore truth and happiness.

Truth and happiness are complimentary I'm assuming you mean complEmentary, as in, they go together, rather than complimentary which implies that they give compliments to and say nice things about each other :P concepts which allow an author to implement into their text an exploration of related values. Alfred Tennyson’s poetry, specifically “In Memoriam”, “The Lady of Shallot” and “Tears, Idle Tears”, and Jessica Anderson’s prose fiction novel, Tirra Lirra by the River, published in 1978 are they all published in this year?, are dissimilar in terms of context but share a complimentary see above examination of the meaning and influence of truth and happiness. In spite of the contrasting societal expectations of the divergent Victorian era and the 20th Century, the motive of relaying these societal assumptions that the authors have conveyed is highly similar and eminently influences Tennyson and Anderson’s overall messages. As a result, the disheartening nature of both plots is overwrought by the principal concept being portrayed; the truthful process the main characters must undertake in order to achieve ultimate happiness. This isn't really a 'concept,' and how is it that a process can be truthful, exactly? Your expression and flow is awesome, but the content of this sentence is making me ask some questions, and you don't want your assessor to be able to ask questions of your essay. This search for happiness and truth is portrayed in the texts through the negative impact that the contextual gender roles had on the happiness of their female characters and their ability to find truth, as well as the power of subjective memories that allow a person to overcome their grief and achieve true happinessthis is list-y. It's not quite as obvious since you've only got two body paragraphs instead of three, but having this one-for-one correspondence between sentences in your introduction and topic sentences for your body paragraphs isn't a great idea as it can become quite repetitive, and many assessors regard it as filler..

Most prominently, both Tennyson and Anderson explore what is true and what is false by drawing from the context of their own societies to highlight the negative impact which immoral gender roles play on the happiness of their women. In Tirra Lirra by the River, the societal context of Australia and England during two time periods, the present (1970s) present?? This is more than 40 years in the past!? The 1970s are closer to the 1940's than they are to the present day. Also, try not to use brackets in formal essays - embed the information in your sentences instead. and the past (post war 1940s) is critical to the progression of the novel’s plot. The chronological proximity of these time frames enables the readers to identify the differences and advancements that were made in each society’s context, allowing the readers to identify the shift in gender roles and their effect on the authentic happiness of women. Anderson’s characterization of Nora represents her as a complex, nuanced and sophisticated woman, having a sensitive and artistic temperament, should be a semicolon here entirely the opposite of what a stereotypical woman should have reflected in the 1940s. Nora’s awareness of her disparate personality is conveyed through, “I was a backward and innocent girl, living in a backward and unworldly place” this quote isn't integrated. See above feedback for supercooper for an explanation of how to go about achieving this. Anderson’s use of the main character’s self-monologue declares her authenticity and truthfulness through an explanation of her unusual outlook on life for a female, enabling the realisation that it would have an unfavourable consequence on her overall happiness. Arbitrary gender roles, shown through the high modality of the declarative statement claimed by Colin, Colin's declaration that “no wife of mine is going to work”, emphasises the dominating role of men and the elimination of women in the workplace during the post WWII era. Quoting Nora, “Colin won’t let me”, needs to be integrated expresses the forced declination of Nora’s job offer through the use of diction which creates a persuasive effect huh? ??? Diction has to do with pronunciation, and I'm not quite sure what's persuasive about this(?), further reinforcing the gender restrictions that she is under and the lack of choice that represses her pure happiness wat represents her pure happiness? Her lack of choice? The end of this sentence is a bit unclear. Similarly, Tennyson has displayed specific duties of women in his famous poem, “The Lady of Shalott”, by creating an allegory which acts as his case against established gender roles in the Victorian era. The use of iambic tetrameter by Tennyson we already know it's by him, you don't have to over-introduce things creates a sense of urgency and thus, truthfulness, for the readers in a way not possible for Anderson in her novelistic form. The lady of Shalott, for example, is confined by “four gray walls and four gray towers”, this imagery demonstrating the lack of freedom that a woman had through the metaphor of imprisonment. The statement that follows, “overlook a space of flowers”, integration juxtaposes the previous line by showing the lifelessness of the tower versus the vibrancy of the nature of Camelot; a dark tone which signifies the lady of Shalott’s genuine depressing are you trying to say that the emotions she feels depresses the audience, or that she feels depression, because at the moment, you're saying the former emotions due to the way she has to live. this isn't grammatical; if you're using a semicolon, then the stuff on either side of the semicolon has to be a self-contained sentence. (<--see?) But if I were to do something like this; it's very ungrammatical. <--that's because the first part isn't a sentence on its own. To take your example: 'a dark tone which signifies the lady of Shalott's genuine depressing emotions due to the way she has to live' - that's not a self-contained sentence, meaning the semicolon doesn't belong here. Try and just split this into its own sentence and change the wording a bit. This further reinforcement of Tennyson’s view that women were restricted to certain positions in their life, mirrors Anderson’s representation of Nora, which although more subtle, presents a similar restriction. Furthermore, accurate social standards included being married expression is a bit clunky here and I'm not sure what you mean by 'accurate social standards' ...as opposed to inaccurate ones? and this is conveyed through, “she hath no loyal knight and true” integration. The use of the word “knight” characterizes a man in the Victorian era to be of high standards and thus the fact that “she hath no knight” proposes implies that a woman is lacking if she is not married, again, strengthening Tennyson’s point through his own poetic method. Through Anderson and Tennyson’s societal context, degrading gender roles have successfully been portrayed to convey the negative connotation effect that it has they have on a female’s happiness and ability to have trust in society.

^link?-->Memories are subjective, and therefore untrue, in nature, and thus allow a person to escape their grief to achieve happiness and learn the truth about their past. Tirra Lirra by the River’s Nora, for example, successfully portrays you're using this word quite a bit, so this'd be a good one to find synonyms for to help you during test conditions when you want to avoid repetition the capabilities of selective memories in the process of conquering sadness and self-realisation, and shows her bias towards her past experiences from the beginning of the novel. Anderson refers to Nora’s memories through the metaphor of a “globe of memory”, indicating her abundance of memories and knowledgeable truth. how? What's the connection between this evidence and your idea? “I have been careful not to let this globe spin to expose the nether side” represents her high selectivity integration of the things she wants to remember due to a “nether side” existing <--this is well integrated!!! See how it fits the context of the sentence, and that if we took away the quotation marks, it'd still make sense? More of this!!!, indicating that she has a poor past due to the political and economic context of the post WW2 time that essentially caused her the pain that she does not want to revisit, as forgetting about certain things will help her on her journey to recovery. Despite her preference to not remember her troubled background, “I don’t mind the fact that she doesn't mind "inspecting some of the dark patches…” signifies her desire to end her misery by seeking out the truth, as the difficulties that the war brought into her life is now over. The use of foreshadowing and ellipses constitutes a dramatic pause allowing the readers to anticipate what truth Nora knows about her past to cause her heartache. The high modality present in, “only I like to manipulate the globe myself” integration emphasises the strong bias behind her recollections that is required for her rehabilitation and therefore her happiness what's the link between this evidence and this interpretation? Take me with you on your train of thought, and try to spell out your logic step by step, as this is where many of the marks are. Simply saying 'this evidence emphasises/demonstrates/portrays this idea' isn't really sufficient.. Anderson gives her protagonist the ability to escape through memory in an attempt to find happiness as a coping mechanism due to the WW2 that occurred during Nora’s youth, which brought about many of the hardships she would face in her later years. Likewise, Tennyson has created a theme of the pleasing pain of remembering the past not sure what you're referring to here, but the linking between texts is good in both “Tears, Idle Tears” and “In Memoriam”. In spite of the pain that the protagonist feels in “Tears, Idle Tears” due to the factual ? death of his loved one, remembering her truthfully provides comfort in Tennyson’s poem. The Victorian era consisted of mourning rituals that epitomised the time in which an individual would pass away, and thus the importance of the memories that the protagonist obtains of his loved one that help him in his grieving has been expressed by Tennyson to communicate this significant truth. “Fresh as the first beam glittering on a sail, That brings our friends up from the underworld” integration creates imagery of a ‘sail’ coming into view, proclaiming his hope of his “friends” it seems like when you use shorter quotes, you're able to integrate them properly, so maybe force yourself to quote shorter excerpts more often as a means of providing evidence, rather that having chunks of sentences that just sit there and don't grammatically belong in your discussion, actually referring to memories, coming back from the dead (“underworld”). The assonance and sibilance in “so sad, so fresh” adds to the contemporary mourning effect but HOW and WHY does this evidence support this assertion? of the Victorian context and “fresh” employs foreshadowing, does it? What is it foreshadowing, exactly? which insinuates that something happened recently, contrasting with the title, “tears, idle tears” which suggests, much like Nora, that the persona has experienced prolonged grief as opposed to a recent sad memory. This suggests that he is subconsciously revisiting the old memories as a coping mechanism to his grieving; promoting Tennyson’s idea of the important role that remembering has on for recovery and true happiness. As the title “In Memoriam” connotes, Tennyson composed this poem to remember the death of his beloved friend as a coping mechanism in the process of mourning. The repetition of the “l” creates alliteration in “here in the long unlovely street” two instances of a letter doesn't always equal repetition, and I don't think this is the strongest evidence you could be using. What else is this evidence doing - what other language in this poem is contributing to meaning? and suggests a protracted period of time spent on the “unlovely street”, a symbol of the distressing memories that he has confronted in order to lament the absence of his friend, which proved to be arduous for Tennyson due to his surrounding community that restricted his expressing of emotions. The truthfully loving memories that he has been left with is represented through the emotive language avoid this phrase unless you intend to immediately get more specific about which emotions are being evoked in “such precious relics brought by thee”, implying that these memories he has selected will allow his true happiness. Anaphora is applied in “ring out, wild bells, to the wild sky,…ring out, wild bells, and let him die”, the phrase “ring out” drawing an image of a bell ‘ringing’ away the troubles that the old year brought, symbolizing the effect of recalling factual memories of his friend which frees the negative spirit to bring about a positive influence okay, you've lost me here? What is the significance of this evidence? Your discussion is getting a bit confusing, and thus sustaining Tennyson’s theory of the importance of remembering specific characteristics of an individual in order to bemoan perhaps it's because I'm not entirely sure what this paragraph is arguing, but I don't think this is the right word here them in context of the Victorian era where being in agony during a death was crucial. As a result, the relevance of a person’s bias perceptions in order to secure happiness through truthful experiences has been skillfully conveyed by Anderson and Tennyson.

Resultantly, Alfred Tennyson’s poetry and Jessica Anderson’s prose-fiction novel, Tirra Lirra by the River, no need to restate the title if you've already introduced it earlier and have been exploring it in detail adroitly execute the concept of truth and happiness within their unique contexts. The strong analysis of the negative effect of discriminatory gender roles on each context’s female’s happiness and capability of trusting, and the ability of idiosyncratic memories to allow the overcoming of grief to attain genuine happiness, have favourably allowed the exploration of truth and happiness in each composer’s exclusive societal and political contexts, consisting of the Victorian era, post WW2 1940s and the 1970s. listing isn't necessary here.

You're off to a good start with this discussion, but there are some little things holding you back.

The first and most apparent is your quote integration - you need to make the authors' language fit within your sentences; you can't just say "The author's use of this poetic device, as seen in "blah blah blah quote from the text" which portrays this idea." Instead, you want to select only the most relevant bits of the text and insert them into your analysis smoothly, as you have done with some of the one and two word quotes here. Try to minimise the amount of evidence you're needing to cite, and just prioritise the integration of quotes when structuring your sentences.

And on that note, be careful with the structure of your essay too. I know some teachers who wouldn't mind there being two body paragraphs, but others greatly prefer a minimum of three to ensure there's both depth and breadth in your ideas. If possible, try and find some way of splitting this to form three or four B.P.s, or just make sure you plan in advance to have a sufficiently broad discussion in future.

Only other point I'd like to make is in relation to spelling out your evidence - often you'd bring up an example from the text and state that it demonstrated or conveyed something, but the connection wasn't really clear. For instance:
Quote from: paragraph 2
The high modality present in, “only I like to manipulate the globe myself” emphasises the strong bias behind her recollections that is required for her rehabilitation and therefore her happiness.
How is it that the high modality of that quote emphasises her biased recollections? You need to be more specific in terms of how and why certain evidence is suppirting your points. It's kind of like you're starting and ending in exactly the right places, but you just need to make that crucial mid-way point more obvious in order to get credit for your discussion.

To address your concerns, I think you've examined the prompt and the notions of truth and happiness sufficiently, though the two-pronged discussion does make your exploration feel a bit too narrow. I'm not too sure what you mean by needing to 'evaluate' though - are you talking about your capacity to make judgements about the connections and ideas in both texts? Perhaps this is just terminology your teacher uses to describe something else, so if I'm wrong, let me know and maybe I can explain whether or not you've 'evaluated' well. Sorry I can't be more help on that front.

There's a great basis for discussion here, though, and you really just have to iron out a few issues with the structure of your approach, and you should be all good! :)

Feedback diiiiiiiii:
Spoiler
Analyse how the central values portrayed in Pride and Prejudice are creatively reshaped in Letters to Alice on First Reading Jane Austen.

The content and construction of texts are intrinsically linked with the social and historical factors inherent in a composer’s contemporary context. Accordingly, a comparative study of Jane Austen’s social satire Pride and Prejudice (1813)(Pride) just check with your teacher to make sure this is something you can do - I know it's frowned upon in VCE, but maybe HSC teachers are nicer when it comes to simplifying the titles and Fay Weldon’s meta-fictional hybrid novel Letters to Alice(1993)(Letters) demonstrates how a transition in context from Austen’s 19th Century <-- no need to capitalise this Regency England to Weldon’s late 20th century post-modern world engenders distinct societal values and attitudes. In light of shared authorial desire to examine notions of autonomy and theories of a moral education, acomparative reappraisal elucidates new insights, enabling connections between texts to creatively reshape values and enrich textual appreciations.

Austen and Weldon, united in their concerns for the suppressed female condition, radically advocate for individual autonomy against restrictive social constraints. Awesome topic sentence! Critical of legal institutions including the system of entailment which deprived women of financial independence, Austen in Pride make sure you put the title of the text in quotation marks or underline it when you handwrite essays censures her androcentric society for valuing marriage as an economic transaction instead of a romantic ideal. Indeed, her characterisation of Charlotte Lucas as the archetypal Georgian woman, evident by her cynical decree that “happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance”, exposes how conformation to societal expectations precludes individual felicity. niiiiice ;) As such, Charlotte becomes a foil to Elizabeth Bennet who is socially constructed by Austen to subvert social convention. Despite comprehending that matrimony entails financial and social stability within Regency context, Elizabeth’s emotive repudiation of Mr Collin’s proposal, on the grounds that her “feelings in every respect forbid it!”, highlights her desire to remain autonomous from traditional expectations of feminity. Unable to exert a similar degree of self-determination, Charlotte marries “the conceited, pompous...silly Mr Collins” for the “disinterested desire of an establishment”, and consequentially “sacrifices every better feeling to worldly advantage”, with the hyperbole emphasising the dichotomy between self-fulfilment and the gendered limitations of Georgian England. Great stuff. Be careful not to overdo the quotes as having three in such quick succession might be a bit overwhelming, but given that you've integrated them well and explain them sufficiently, what you've got at the moment is fine here. Contrasting Charlotte’s hapless relationship, Elizabeth’s union with Mr Darcy, evoked through individual aspirations and defiance of social expectations, no comma here is characterised by “connubial felicity” apparent in Elizabeth’s superlative declaration that she is “the happiest creature in the world”. Thus, Austen elevates individual autonomy over repressive social constructs, either no comma, or reword this to '...social constructs, as she infers it to be instrumental in achieving self fulfilment...' as instrumental to self-fulfilment and emotional contentment.

Likewise, Weldon in Letters eulogises the universal value of autonomy, reshaping it to her postmodern context by reflecting upon the reality of contemporary female emancipation. Weldon’s examination of Alice and Aunt Fay’s capacity to travel, pursue a career and attend university highlights the greater economic autonomy afforded to women, engendered through the Equal Pay Act (1970) unfortunately I'm limited in my experience here, but I believe assessors tend to frown on any mention of external evidence that doesn't directly contribute to your argument. I think it would be safer to simply say '...greater economic autonomy afforded to women, brought about by social advancements leading to more enlightened values regarding gender.' unless you have a specific reason for mentioning the Equal Pay Act. Empowered by the second wave feminist movement, Weldon trivialises the importance of marriage by juxtaposing “the stuff our women’s magazines..[with]...the stuff of their life” , whereby connotations of “stuff” relegate marriage to an “outmoded institution” within the 1980’s. In light of dissimilar contexts, Weldon’s construction of her fictional niece “Alice”- characterised “with black and green hair” in a manifestation of modern individuality- no dash or comma needed here captures the enduring value of autonomy by mirroring Austen’s subversive heroine, Elizabeth.  Whilst Austen subtly challenges established conventions, Weldon explicitly encourages Alice to adopt non-conformist ideals choose a different synonym here to prevent repetition with the quote by “swim[ming] against the stream of communal ideals”. The metaphor lends authority to her rhetorical question “How can I possibly tell you to run your life?”, rhetorically questioning how she can "possibly tell [her] to run [her] life,"emphasising the need for self-determination amidst social pressures.  Ironically, the persona of Aunt Fay seeks to impose her own prescriptive codes upon Alice, employing high modality and the imperative “must”, when asserting that Alice “must know how to read a novel..before..writing one”.  Consequently, the plot device of Alice attaining unorthodox literary success, having “sold more copies..than all of [Aunt Fay’s] novels put together” despite subverting Aunt Fay’s instructions, enables Weldon to communicate importance of autonomy for success and in doing so reshape Austen’s values. Awesome closer, and I'm loving the way you spell out your analysis here.

Furthermore, both Austen and Weldon are connected in their endorsement of a holistic education, propounding moral development via introspection and retrospective reappraisal.  In Pride, Austen, through allusion to Fordyce’s Sermons, criticises traditional modes of education, such as conduct books, for their inconsequential impact on moral growth. Satirising such ineffectual education, Austen constructs the caricature of Mary who, whilst described as “the most accomplished girl in the neighbourhood” for her study of “great books”, is ironically incapable of social sensibility, evident as as is evidenced by the fact that she “wished to say something sensible, but knew not how”. great analysis here Asserting the didactic axiom you don't really 'assert' an 'axiom.' 'Didactically asserting that...' would be fine here that “we all love to instruct, though we can teach only what is not worth knowing”, Austen, thus, conveys the notion that an valuable moral education is only attainable through introspection as opposed to external sources, reflecting Regency philosopher John Locke’s theory of epistemological development that “knowledge is a matter of reflection on experience”. This is an improvement as you've isolated a particular element of Locke's philosophy that is pertinent here, though again, I'm not sure whether this external reference is valuable. If your teacher is a fan, then ignore this, but in general, I'd say it's best to keep your analysis to the worlds of the text. Indeed, Elizabeth’s introspective perusal of Darcy’s letter, illustrated by self-contemplative language as she “read and reread with the greatest attention”, facilitates a newfound understanding “that she had been blind, partial, prejudiced, absurd”.  Contrasting Mary’s defective education, Elizabeth’s eclaircissement, Congratulations. You have used a verb I don't think I've ever seen used in an essay before. And you've used it properly. And it's quite a lovely word :) depicted by the epiphany “till this moment, I never knew myself!”, results in augmented self-knowledge as she is ultimately able to address her moral shortcomings.  Through Elizabeth’s bildungsroman careful; this is a noun, not an adjective. So you can refer to 'Pride and Prejudice' as a bildungsroman, but you can't comment on Elizabeth's 'bildungsroman journey' as this would be like commenting on her 'romance upbringing.' Think of the 'bildungsroman' as being a kind of sub-genre of novels just like 'romance' or 'tragedy' are. journey, Austen promulgates introspection as the most valuable form of education through either 'through extolling' or just 'given' its ability to improve an individual’s moral capacity. 

Whereas Austen champions introspection, Weldon in Letters promotes literature and its ability to develop empathy, as the greatest source of moral development. However within her 1980’s context, Weldon descries the declining value of literature due to technological proliferation, typified by modern obsession with “the tinny televisual representation of reality”. She censures Alice, a representative of modern society, for being “too unread, too little practised in empathy”, emphasising, through anaphora, how literary deprivation inhibits morality. Modelling Austen’s epistolary style to enhance her didactic assertions, Weldon encourages Alice to read “Literature with a capital L”, and in doing so echoes (careful with expression in these complex sentences) Darcy’s sentiment that reading “adds something more substantial in the improvement of [the] mind”.  Employing the extended metaphor of the “City of Invention”, Weldon captures the inherent value of literature to transcend contextual limitations, and thus provide readers with a diachronic understanding of “new” and “old” ways. As such, Weldon depicts literature’s ability to figuratively “stretch our sensibilities and our understandings” by prompting readers to empathise through vicarious experiences. This tenet of moral development is exemplified by Weldon’s reappraisal of Charlotte’s entry into marriage. Engaging in retrospective historiography, Weldon contextualises Pride through statistic data that “only thirty percent married...so to marry was a great prize”, effectively eliciting pathos from the responder to vindicate Charlotte’s decision of marrying Mr Collins. For failing to evoke such moral and empathetic responses, Weldon satirises institutionalised education in her parody of exam and essay rubrics “People are getting nastier, society nicer: Discuss”, this isn't integrated as well as your other quotes, and essay rubrics tend to apply to those tables with different criteria (like this), whereas what you've isolated here is more like an essay topic or prompt reflecting Austen’s critique of an ineffectual education. Thus, Weldon reshapes moral development to her postmodern context, advocating the literary canon in contrast to Austen’s value of introspection this would sound more natural as 'the value Austen places on introspection' or perhaps 'Austen's valuing of introspection'. 

Ultimately, by considering Pride and Letters in contiguity, it becomes apparent that Austen’s 19th century no caps values of autonomy and theories of moral development are creatively reshaped by Weldon to accommodate a transition in context to the 20th century. Thus, a comparative study of Pride and Letters, by accentuating authorial and contextual disparities, engenders deeper insights into parallel thematic concerns, enabling responders either 'readers' or 'audience' would be preferred to gain a deeper understanding and appreciation of both texts.

Awesome job - I can tell you've made an effort to improve the flow of everything. Your conclusion in particular is much more impressive now.

Sentences in blue are, as before, using that somewhat clunky structure; they don't all have to change, but those instances where you've got two in quick succession should be avoided in future. None of them are ungrammatical though, so it's not too big of a concern.

There were a few really minor issues with your word choices and quote integration, but again, nothing too severe. Most of them seem more like typos or slip-ups than the product of some mistake in your internal grammar. I've flagged them just so you get used to appraising and proofing your own work, though I wouldn't be too concerned about it.

Now I'm going to give you some advice that I got from my Year 12 Literature teacher which I personally disagree with, but think is worth acknowledging: some assessors don't like it when students use big words. Disclaimer: I would defend your vocabulary here since it's clear that you know the meaning of the words you're using, but when you have sentences like "In light of shared authorial desire to examine notions of autonomy and theories of a moral education, comparative reappraisal elucidates new insights" - you can understand why a teacher might be inclined to be more critical of your expression and word usage later in your piece.

The way I rationalise this now is that, firstly, if you're using words and syntactic constructions that draw attention to your expression, it means you're drawing attention to your expression, and that means that any slip-up, no matter how slight, is going to be noticed. Secondly, some of the assessors will by dumber than you. C'est la vie. That shouldn't discourage you from using sophsiticated vocabulary, but it should make you wary of writing sentences that are overly complicated, even if they're technically 'right.'

In short, good vocabulary is efficient vocabulary. At present, the majority of the language you're using seems to be helping you express your ideas clearly and concisely, meaning that there shouldn't be a problem. If, however, you slip into the 'using-too-many-big-words-and-obfuscating-your-ideas' territory, then I could understand a marker taking umbrage at the quality of your writing.

So this isn't so much of a reflection on your current essay as it is a pre-emptive recommendation for the future, but keep an eye on your expression and always prioritise clarity and efficiency over seeming sophistication since I remember tipping the balance on a few of my practice essays back in the day, and my teacher was rather displeased :)

This is still a really solid piece of analysis though, and most of these comments are just pertaining to little things that need fine tuning, so you're definitely on the right track.

Good luck with it all!

*exhales*

As always, let me know if you have questions about any of these comments :)
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: lha on February 28, 2016, 04:36:19 pm
Hi lauren,

Thank you. For theevaluate part, I mean have I said how the author has explored truth and happiness well enough?
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: literally lauren on February 28, 2016, 07:10:08 pm
Hi lauren,

Thank you. For the evaluate part, I mean have I said how the author has explored truth and happiness well enough?
Ahh, I see. I reckon your exploration is sufficient, but it's possible that your teacher will expect something more specific or explicit, so maybe check with them? But seeing as you've made your focus clear at the most crucial moments (ie. the intro, starts and ends of paragraphs, and the conclusion) you should be fine :)
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: Spencerr on February 28, 2016, 07:55:02 pm
Thank you so much Lauren! Two more weeks until exams and I'm stressing out with a Romanticism creative and Half and Ext 1 Essay that I haven't written yet!!

Referring to your feedback on Equal Pay Act, teachers at my school stress the importance of having a 'context sentence' (i.e. the sentence after the topic sentence always gives the factual context behind the argument in the paragraph). Do you think that piece of context fits well there?
Also I'm just a bit concerned about slipping into story telling as opposed to analysis. Do you think there are places where I haven't analysed enough or that there are gaps in my arguments?

Once again, thanks so much Lauren!
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: literally lauren on February 28, 2016, 09:17:05 pm
Defs listen to your teachers' advice on that front, then. Your contextual information is well integrated, but I was just a bit worried that it might come across as an irrelevant side note that detracted from the focus of your analysis. But if this is something your teachers are encouraging then clearly it's permissible in the examiners' eyes, so don't mind me :P

I don't think you were in any danger of lapsing into summary, but three quick tips to help you avoid it nonetheless:

1) use the authors' names often. Sentences that contain their names are unlikely to be summative because they force you to consider what the author is doing or intending, both of which require analysis and close discussion.

2) use the right verbs. Obviously if you're saying things like 'says,' 'describes' and arguably 'shows,' (as in 'Austen says...') then things are going to come across as summative. Instead, get more descriptive. How is the author saying, describing, or portraying something? Is she celebrating it? Condeming it? Vilifying it? Vituperating it? etc. etc.

3) turn verbs into nouns occasionally. Take the following sentence:
Austen suggests that Elizabeth felt compelled to acquiesce to societal expectations.
On its own, that might sound a bit too summative, but if we turn that verb 'suggests' into its noun form, 'suggestion,' then we get:
Austen's suggestion that Elizabeth felt compelled to acquiesce to societal expectations...
See how the sentence is incomplete now, and we have to add more information at the end here? (like, 'Austen's suggestion... establishes a sense of X' or 'Austen's suggestion... encourages readers to consider Y or 'Austen's suggestion... forms part of her assertion that Z')
^This process is called 'nominalisation' (=noun-ifying things) and is a great way to stop yourself from unintentionally summarising things.
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: brenden on February 29, 2016, 10:30:52 am
New policy on essay marking:

Hey all! Due to overwhelming use of this service, we will now be restricting essay marking to people who have 5 or more ATAR Notes posts.

The idea here is that there will be less essays for us to mark because people can't post an essay as their first (and perhaps only ever) post. However, it doesn't make it any harder to get essay marking, given that 5 posts is an incredibly low and easy number. You can ask questions on any subject, or perhaps even try answering some questions on your own! Once you have 5 posts, your essays will be marked for free in any of our essay marking threads. Thanks for your understanding, happy studies!
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: rosielaird on February 29, 2016, 12:33:56 pm
This is my essay for Joyce and Heaney, Module A,
Please give me feedback it is due in 2 days!
Thanks all xx
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on February 29, 2016, 05:11:22 pm
This is my essay for Joyce and Heaney, Module A,
Please give me feedback it is due in 2 days!
Thanks all xx

Hi Rosielaird! Thanks for posting your essay.

Unfortunately, we've recently had to restrict essay marking to those who've been participating in the community and have 5 or more posts from their account. The reason for this is that, essentially, we want to keep giving awesome feedback. Essay marking is extremely demanding of one's time and the entire service becomes useless if too many people use it: Either we'd have massive backlogs, or feedback would be nowhere near as helpful.

I know it's tough given that your assessment is in a matter of days but we're under strict instructions from Brenden to abide by the rule. This is just in the interests of fairness, one rule for everyone consistently applied.

I seriously am really sorry to have to turn you down  :(  I did have a quick peek at your essay and it reads extremely well! Keep reading it over and really think about each sentence, make sure each one backs up your central argument and that this argument is well developed in your Thesis. If you can meet the post requirement before your task is due, message me privately to make sure I know and I'll mark your essay properly as first priority!  ;D
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: abiksmith on February 29, 2016, 07:05:56 pm
Hi,
Please help, this essay is for Module A, we are doing Julius Caesar (Shakespeare) and The Prince (Machiavelli)

The question is “How has the treatment of similar content in a pair of texts shaped and reshaped your understanding of the values and attitudes of their differing contexts.”

I am struggling to write a conclusion

Niccolo Machiavelli and William Shakespeare both demonstrate their prowess in their respective texts, The Prince (1532), and Julius Caesar (1599) by addressing issues relevant to the contexts in which they were created. The purpose of Machiavelli’s The Prince was to highlight to the Medici Family how to be a good leader in the early Renaissance period. Whereas, Shakespeare wrote Julius Caesar to address his Elizabethan audience allegorically commenting on the power struggle of late Renaissance England. Shakespeare represents an array of characters who display many Machiavellian “leadership” characteristics. Ideas on successful leadership are initially shaped in Machiavelli’s treatise, and are again reshaped when considering Shakespeare’s representation of various characters of the conspiracy and aftermath of Caesar’s assassination. Machiavelli said great leaders should possess intelligence, acquire and utilise information for his or her needs through fear, ruthlessness and brutality when necessary. Examples of these characteristics in Julius Caesar, can be seen through select character’s dialogue, their actions towards other characters and the way their fellow characters describe them. While Shakespeare’s characters do not fully ascribe to all Machiavellian leadership qualities, t understood that there were moments when the ideal qualities Machiavelli explained in The Prince, become apparent in Shakespeare’s characters,  Cassius, Brutus, Mark Antony and Julius Caesar.

One trait that Machiavelli explored was the need for a successful leader to be intelligent. Not just scholarly, but more so wisdom. He explains in Chapter 20: Are Fortresses, And Many Other Things To Which Princes Often Resort, Advantageous Or Hurtful? that “...the first method for estimating intelligence of a ruler is to look at the men he has around him.” (Chpt. 20) Similarly, Shakespeare portrays Caesar’s level of intelligence by looking at the men he surrounds himself with, through dialogue Caesar states, “Let me have men about me that are fat/ Sleek-headed men, and such as sleep a-nights.” (Act 1 scene 2)  Caesar states further on in a conversation with Antony that Cassius is the opposite of the people he wants to be surrounded by, “Yond Cassius has a lean and hungry look/ He thinks too much: such men are dangerous.” (Act 1 scene 2) His authoritative tone describes Cassius as looking “lean and hungry,” Caesar feels threatened that Cassius “thinks too much,” meaning he is wise. The audience could compare Cassius to a fox’s cunning and sly characteristics, Cassius’ “hungry look” metaphorically represents his desire for power and control. Unfortunately, Caesar did not conform to Machiavelli’s leadership necessities, meaning that Caesar lacked the intelligence of a leader, surrounding himself with only “yes men.” By only wanting “fat, sleek-headed men” around him, rather than knowledgeable and intelligent men, who may have warned him about the conspirators or the warning signs leading up to his assassination.

When a leader has a high level of intelligence, he is able to manipulate that in ways to benefit himself and “win over” the masses. Machiavelli ensured this idea was reinforced throughout his novel to highlight its importance in a successful leader. Stating that a leader should never “...attempt to win by force what can be won by deception.” (REF) Shakespeare’s character, Mark Antony, uses his intelligence and wit to manipulate not only the conspirators into letting him address the crowd but also change the alliance of the crowd. Antony begins his speech with a statement he will later contradict and invert, “Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears; I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.” (Act 3 scene 2) His emotive language and factual tone, slowly manipulates the crowd as his speech goes on. He justifies the conspirators actions in assassinating Caesar by declaring that “Brutus is an honourable man,” but later turns this phrase around rhetorically and sarcastically saying just how “honourable” Brutus is. Shakespeare used repetition in the speech, each time Antony states “Brutus is an honourable man,” (Act 3 scene 2) the line loses its validity and meaning. The masses begin to question Brutus’ intentions and prior actions. “ I thrice presented him a kingly crown,/ Which he did thrice refuse. Was this ambition?/ Yet Brutus says he was ambitious,/ And sure he is an honourable man.” (Act 3 scene 2) Further on in Julius Caesar, Antony successfully displays the manipulation of a crowd when he produces Caesar’s will, but refuses to read it, therefore withholding information to generate suspense in the crowd. Machiavelli stated that a leader “...must learn how not to be good, and use knowledge, or refrain from using it, as necessity requires,” (REF) in order to maintain his authority. In Antony’s choice to prolong the reading of Caesar's will, he creates suspense and distracts the crowd, which causes them to forget about the will. Antony successfully manipulates the crowd, returning their loyalty to Caesar, eventually encouraging them to right the injustice of Caesar’s assassination.

Machiavelli highlights early on in The Prince, that it is far more important “...to be feared than loved if you cannot be both,” (REF) as people will almost always “bow down” to fear, especially when there are consequences involved. Contrastingly, in modern-day society we know that, “Ultimately, fear is a negative emotion. Sure, in the right circumstances it can be used effectively. It can drive needed change quickly,” according to the 3 Most Common Downfalls of Leaders.  Shakespeare demonstrated this fear that drove change when the conspirators assassinated Caesar. Brutus states assertively, “It was not that I loved Caesar less, but that I loved Rome more.” (Act 3 scene 2) This justifies the killing to the masses, leading them to believe that Caesar’s death was in their best interests, when it was actually to ensure the aristocracy did not lose their power. The battle between fear and love in Julius Caesar,  can be summarised in one line uttered in confusion by Caesar as he is killed, “Et tu, Brute!” Caesar’s surprise can be understood by Shakespeare’s audience, as it is an unlikely action taken by someone Caesar trusted. The way in which the conspirators elected to kill Caesar could be seen as cowardly and brutal, they all “ganged up” on him, and went behind his back, literally, in order to accomplish the murder.

Another trait that Machiavelli stated was important for a prosperous leader, is the ability to be ruthless and brutal towards those who wrong them, “If an injury has to be done to a man it should be so severe that his vengeance need not be feared.” (REF) The brutally honest, factual way Machiavelli states this allows the readers to understand plainly just how important ruthlessness and brutality is in a leader. Brutus and Cassius both conform to this Machiavellian characteristic when they kill Caesar, stabbing him thirty-three times. In the aftermath of the murder, Brutus triumphantly commands the rest of the conspirators “Stoop, Romans, stoop,/ And let us bathe our hands in Caesar’s blood/Up to the elbows, and besmear our swords.” (Act 3 scene 2) This dialogue is conveyed in a proud manner, the conspirators parade around the streets of Rome shouting, “...Peace, freedom and liberty!” (Act 3 scene 2) Brutus believes that he has Rome’s best interests at hand when the assassination occurs.

(REF) stands for reference

Thanks again
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on February 29, 2016, 11:32:52 pm
Hi,
Please help, this essay is for Module A, we are doing Julius Caesar (Shakespeare) and The Prince (Machiavelli)
...
Thanks again

Hi abiksmith! Thanks for posting your essay.

Unfortunately, we've recently had to restrict essay marking to those who've been participating in the community and have 5 or more posts from their account . The reason for this is that, essentially, we want to keep giving awesome feedback. Essay marking is extremely demanding of one's time and the entire service becomes useless if too many people use it: Either we'd have massive backlogs, or feedback would be nowhere near as helpful.

I am very sorry to turn you down, but we're under strict instructions from Brenden to abide by the rule. Try spending some time around our forums, post some grateful comments, some suggestions, ask/answer a question, anything that is useful to you! Once you hit the threshold let us know and we'll definitely give you some great feedback for your essay!   ;D
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: cynthianguyen_ on March 01, 2016, 02:29:35 pm
Hey ATAR Notes,

I was wondering if you could help me out with an assessment question we are doing at school. It is a speech on W.B.Yeats' selected poetry. Out of the 4 poems we were given, I chose "Wild Swans At Coole" (more personal) and "Easter 1916". The question is:
 
“It is the tension, between the personal and political that creates interest in Yeats’ poetry”

What I wanted to ask was for you to clarify what the tension between the personal and political actually is. I'm not to sure how it relates to W.B.Yeats. Also if you could give us some arguments that we could use and revolve our analysis around, that would be super awesome!!

Thanks guys,
Cynthia :)
Year 12
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 01, 2016, 07:20:05 pm
Hi,
Please help, this essay is for Module A, we are doing Julius Caesar (Shakespeare) and The Prince (Machiavelli)

The question is “How has the treatment of similar content in a pair of texts shaped and reshaped your understanding of the values and attitudes of their differing contexts.”

Thanks again

Hey there! I'm happy to see you on the threads :)

Here is your original essay, unmarked:
Spoiler
Niccolo Machiavelli and William Shakespeare both demonstrate their prowess in their respective texts, The Prince (1532), and Julius Caesar (1599) by addressing issues relevant to the contexts in which they were created. The purpose of Machiavelli’s The Prince was to highlight to the Medici Family how to be a good leader in the early Renaissance period. Whereas, Shakespeare wrote Julius Caesar to address his Elizabethan audience allegorically commenting on the power struggle of late Renaissance England. Shakespeare represents an array of characters who display many Machiavellian “leadership” characteristics. Ideas on successful leadership are initially shaped in Machiavelli’s treatise, and are again reshaped when considering Shakespeare’s representation of various characters of the conspiracy and aftermath of Caesar’s assassination. Machiavelli said great leaders should possess intelligence, acquire and utilise information for his or her needs through fear, ruthlessness and brutality when necessary. Examples of these characteristics in Julius Caesar, can be seen through select character’s dialogue, their actions towards other characters and the way their fellow characters describe them. While Shakespeare’s characters do not fully ascribe to all Machiavellian leadership qualities, t understood that there were moments when the ideal qualities Machiavelli explained in The Prince, become apparent in Shakespeare’s characters,  Cassius, Brutus, Mark Antony and Julius Caesar.

One trait that Machiavelli explored was the need for a successful leader to be intelligent. Not just scholarly, but more so wisdom. He explains in Chapter 20: Are Fortresses, And Many Other Things To Which Princes Often Resort, Advantageous Or Hurtful? that “...the first method for estimating intelligence of a ruler is to look at the men he has around him.” (Chpt. 20) Similarly, Shakespeare portrays Caesar’s level of intelligence by looking at the men he surrounds himself with, through dialogue Caesar states, “Let me have men about me that are fat/ Sleek-headed men, and such as sleep a-nights.” (Act 1 scene 2)  Caesar states further on in a conversation with Antony that Cassius is the opposite of the people he wants to be surrounded by, “Yond Cassius has a lean and hungry look/ He thinks too much: such men are dangerous.” (Act 1 scene 2) His authoritative tone describes Cassius as looking “lean and hungry,” Caesar feels threatened that Cassius “thinks too much,” meaning he is wise. The audience could compare Cassius to a fox’s cunning and sly characteristics, Cassius’ “hungry look” metaphorically represents his desire for power and control. Unfortunately, Caesar did not conform to Machiavelli’s leadership necessities, meaning that Caesar lacked the intelligence of a leader, surrounding himself with only “yes men.” By only wanting “fat, sleek-headed men” around him, rather than knowledgeable and intelligent men, who may have warned him about the conspirators or the warning signs leading up to his assassination.

When a leader has a high level of intelligence, he is able to manipulate that in ways to benefit himself and “win over” the masses. Machiavelli ensured this idea was reinforced throughout his novel to highlight its importance in a successful leader. Stating that a leader should never “...attempt to win by force what can be won by deception.” (REF) Shakespeare’s character, Mark Antony, uses his intelligence and wit to manipulate not only the conspirators into letting him address the crowd but also change the alliance of the crowd. Antony begins his speech with a statement he will later contradict and invert, “Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears; I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.” (Act 3 scene 2) His emotive language and factual tone, slowly manipulates the crowd as his speech goes on. He justifies the conspirators actions in assassinating Caesar by declaring that “Brutus is an honourable man,” but later turns this phrase around rhetorically and sarcastically saying just how “honourable” Brutus is. Shakespeare used repetition in the speech, each time Antony states “Brutus is an honourable man,” (Act 3 scene 2) the line loses its validity and meaning. The masses begin to question Brutus’ intentions and prior actions. “ I thrice presented him a kingly crown,/ Which he did thrice refuse. Was this ambition?/ Yet Brutus says he was ambitious,/ And sure he is an honourable man.” (Act 3 scene 2) Further on in Julius Caesar, Antony successfully displays the manipulation of a crowd when he produces Caesar’s will, but refuses to read it, therefore withholding information to generate suspense in the crowd. Machiavelli stated that a leader “...must learn how not to be good, and use knowledge, or refrain from using it, as necessity requires,” (REF) in order to maintain his authority. In Antony’s choice to prolong the reading of Caesar's will, he creates suspense and distracts the crowd, which causes them to forget about the will. Antony successfully manipulates the crowd, returning their loyalty to Caesar, eventually encouraging them to right the injustice of Caesar’s assassination.

Machiavelli highlights early on in The Prince, that it is far more important “...to be feared than loved if you cannot be both,” (REF) as people will almost always “bow down” to fear, especially when there are consequences involved. Contrastingly, in modern-day society we know that, “Ultimately, fear is a negative emotion. Sure, in the right circumstances it can be used effectively. It can drive needed change quickly,” according to the 3 Most Common Downfalls of Leaders.  Shakespeare demonstrated this fear that drove change when the conspirators assassinated Caesar. Brutus states assertively, “It was not that I loved Caesar less, but that I loved Rome more.” (Act 3 scene 2) This justifies the killing to the masses, leading them to believe that Caesar’s death was in their best interests, when it was actually to ensure the aristocracy did not lose their power. The battle between fear and love in Julius Caesar,  can be summarised in one line uttered in confusion by Caesar as he is killed, “Et tu, Brute!” Caesar’s surprise can be understood by Shakespeare’s audience, as it is an unlikely action taken by someone Caesar trusted. The way in which the conspirators elected to kill Caesar could be seen as cowardly and brutal, they all “ganged up” on him, and went behind his back, literally, in order to accomplish the murder.

Another trait that Machiavelli stated was important for a prosperous leader, is the ability to be ruthless and brutal towards those who wrong them, “If an injury has to be done to a man it should be so severe that his vengeance need not be feared.” (REF) The brutally honest, factual way Machiavelli states this allows the readers to understand plainly just how important ruthlessness and brutality is in a leader. Brutus and Cassius both conform to this Machiavellian characteristic when they kill Caesar, stabbing him thirty-three times. In the aftermath of the murder, Brutus triumphantly commands the rest of the conspirators “Stoop, Romans, stoop,/ And let us bathe our hands in Caesar’s blood/Up to the elbows, and besmear our swords.” (Act 3 scene 2) This dialogue is conveyed in a proud manner, the conspirators parade around the streets of Rome shouting, “...Peace, freedom and liberty!” (Act 3 scene 2) Brutus believes that he has Rome’s best interests at hand when the assassination occurs.

Here is your essay with my comments written in bold so that you can see what I'm thinking upon my first reading.
Spoiler
Niccolo Machiavelli and William Shakespeare both demonstrate their prowess in their respective texts, The Prince (1532), and Julius Caesar (1599) by addressing issues relevant to the contexts in which they were created. The purpose of Machiavelli’s The Prince was (It is best to talk about texts in the present tense. "The purpose of Machiavelli's The Prince is to highlight..." If you think this reads awkwardly, you can change the syntax so this reads as, "Machiavelli's The Prince was made with the purpose of..." to highlight to the Medici Family how to be a good leader in the early Renaissance period. Whereas, Shakespeare wrote Julius Caesar to address his Elizabethan audience(you need a comma here for this to read better) allegorically commenting on the power struggle of late Renaissance England. Shakespeare represents an array of characters who display many Machiavellian “leadership” characteristics. Ideas on successful leadership are initially shaped in Machiavelli’s treatise, and are again reshaped when considering Shakespeare’s representation of various characters of the conspiracy and aftermath of Caesar’s assassination. Machiavelli said (Rather than “said” I think you should use proposed)great leaders should possess intelligence, acquire and utilise information for his or her needs through fear, ruthlessness and brutality when necessary. Examples of these characteristics in Julius Caesar, can be seen through select character’s dialogue, their actions towards other characters and the way their fellow characters describe them. While Shakespeare’s characters do not fully ascribe to all Machiavellian leadership qualities, t understood that there were moments when the ideal qualities Machiavelli explained in The Prince, become apparent in Shakespeare’s characters,  Cassius, Brutus, Mark Antony and Julius Caesar. Towards the end here you have gone into technical analysis. Even though it isn’t thorough, it is a bit too soon considering the length of your introduction. Your introduction is very long! You can cut down on words by shortening this last part. Instead, try (this is a rough example – needs tidying): The possession of intelligence, as well as the use of ruthless manipulation of fear, that Machiavelli suggests as being traits of a quality leader are observed in several of Shakespeare’s characters.” Obviously what I’ve suggested needs tidying. Essentially I’ve tried to combine the two texts into the one. If there is one more thing I will suggest you do ADD, it is bringing it back to the values and attitudes because this is your essay question.

One trait that Machiavelli explored was the need for a successful leader to be intelligent. Not just scholarly, but more so wisdomScholarly is an adjective but wisdom is a noun. In this instance they are incomparable. Do you mean wise? Furthermore, before you enter the textual referencing, I think you need to talk about values or attitudes, even if it means replacing the word trait. Your essay needs strong direction of the question. He explains in Chapter 20: Are Fortresses, And Many Other Things To Which Princes Often Resort, Advantageous Or Hurtful? that “...the first method for estimating intelligence of a ruler is to look at the men he has around him.” (Chpt. 20) Similarly, Shakespeare portrays Caesar’s level of intelligence by looking at the men he surrounds himself with, through dialogue Caesar states, “Let me have men about me that are fat/ Sleek-headed men, and such as sleep a-nights.” (Act 1 scene 2) Caesar states further on in a conversation with Antony that Cassius is the opposite of the people he wants to be surrounded by, “Yond Cassius has a lean and hungry look/ He thinks too much: such men are dangerous.” (Act 1 scene 2) His authoritative tone describes Cassius as looking “lean and hungry,” Caesar feels threatened that Cassius “thinks too much,” meaning he is wise. The audience could compare Cassius to a fox’s cunning and sly characteristics, Cassius’ “hungry look” metaphorically represents his desire for power and control. Unfortunately, Caesar did not conform to Machiavelli’s leadership necessities, meaning that Caesar lacked the intelligence of a leader, surrounding himself with only “yes men.” By only wanting “fat, sleek-headed men” around him, rather than knowledgeable and intelligent men, who may have warned him about the conspirators or the warning signs leading up to his assassination.  Your textual referencing here is absolutely wonderful. The way that you are approaching quotes that are embedded is truly impressive! Unfortunately, you don’t address the question heavily here. You haven’t focused on the contexts, attitudes and values. I can see that your paragraph is directed by intelligence which is a great thread between the texts. But, you will need to explicitly reference the question.

When a leader has a high level of intelligence, he is able to manipulate that in ways to benefit himself and “win over” the masses. Machiavelli ensured this idea was reinforced throughout his novel to highlight its importance in a successful leader. Here is a good opportunity to say why he says this. What were the attitudes of the time? What was the context? The context involved enough serfdom, which is the masses you talk about. So a strong leader was necessary. But, there are always ulterior motives. This needs to be evident in your dealing with context in order to successfully address the question. Stating that a leader should never “...attempt to win by force what can be won by deception.” (REF) Shakespeare’s character, Mark Antony, uses his intelligence and wit to manipulate not only the conspirators into letting him address the crowd but also change the alliance of the crowd. Antony begins his speech with a statement he will later contradict and invert, “Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears; I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.” (Act 3 scene 2) His emotive language and factual tone, slowly manipulates the crowd as his speech goes on. He justifies the conspirators actions in assassinating Caesar by declaring that “Brutus is an honourable man,” but later turns this phrase around rhetorically and sarcastically saying just how “honourable” Brutus is. Shakespeare used repetition in the speech, each time Antony states “Brutus is an honourable man,” (Act 3 scene 2) the line loses its validity and meaning. The masses begin to question Brutus’ intentions and prior actions. “ I thrice presented him a kingly crown,/ Which he did thrice refuse. Was this ambition?/ Yet Brutus says he was ambitious,/ And sure he is an honourable man.” (Act 3 scene 2) Further on in Julius Caesar, Antony successfully displays the manipulation of a crowd when he produces Caesar’s will, but refuses to read it, therefore withholding information to generate suspense in the crowd. Machiavelli stated that a leader “...must learn how not to be good, and use knowledge, or refrain from using it, as necessity requires,” (REF) in order to maintain his authority. In Antony’s choice to prolong the reading of Caesar's will, he creates suspense and distracts the crowd, which causes them to forget about the will. Antony successfully manipulates the crowd, returning their loyalty to Caesar, eventually encouraging them to right the injustice of Caesar’s assassination. What I suggested for last paragraph stands. We haven’t dealt with context enough just yet. When you talk about context, you will naturally talk about the values and attitudes. You don’t have to give a lot of sentence space to this, you just need to relate the importance of what is happening in the text back to the context appropriately. Probably moreso than any other Module, Module A requires serious context details.

People debate over whether or not starting a paragraph with a quote is fine. You should probably speak to your teacher about this. In my experience, I found that the paragraph seemed more wholesome if I removed the first sentence from textual referencing. Machiavelli highlights early on in The Prince, that it is far more important “...to be feared than loved if you cannot be both,” (REF) as people will almost always “bow down” to fear, especially when there are consequences involved. Contrastingly, in modern-day society we know that, “Ultimately, fear is a negative emotion. Sure, in the right circumstances it can be used effectively. It can drive needed change quickly,” according to the 3 Most Common Downfalls of Leaders.  Shakespeare demonstrated this fear that drove change when the conspirators assassinated Caesar. Brutus states assertively, “It was not that I loved Caesar less, but that I loved Rome more.” (Act 3 scene 2) This justifies the killing to the masses, leading them to believe that Caesar’s death was in their best interests, when it was actually to ensure the aristocracy did not lose their power. The battle between fear and love in Julius Caesar,  can be summarised in one line uttered in confusion by Caesar as he is killed, “Et tu, Brute!” Caesar’s surprise can be understood by Shakespeare’s audience, as it is an unlikely action taken by someone Caesar trusted. The way in which the conspirators elected to kill Caesar could be seen as cowardly and brutal, they all “ganged up” on him, and went behind his back, literally, in order to accomplish the murder.

Another trait that Machiavelli stated was important for a prosperous leader, is the ability to be ruthless and brutal towards those who wrong them, “If an injury has to be done to a man it should be so severe that his vengeance need not be feared.” For this first sentence, reference the above paragraph’s comment. (REF) The brutally honest, factual way Machiavelli states this allows the readers to understand plainly just how important ruthlessness and brutality is in a leader. Brutus and Cassius both conform to this Machiavellian characteristic when they kill Caesar, stabbing him thirty-three times. In the aftermath of the murder, Brutus triumphantly commands the rest of the conspirators “Stoop, Romans, stoop,/ And let us bathe our hands in Caesar’s blood/Up to the elbows, and besmear our swords.” (Act 3 scene 2) This dialogue is conveyed in a proud manner, the conspirators parade around the streets of Rome shouting, “...Peace, freedom and liberty!” (Act 3 scene 2) Brutus believes that he has Rome’s best interests at hand when the assassination occurs.


End Notes:
Your textual referencing is superior - as is your integration of texts! You do this so so so well. What you need to work on is involving the question more. You've mentioned the Elizabethan audience at the beginning - but then I don't see a great lot of context for Shakespeare afterwards. The words attitudes and values need to appear in a stronger and more frequent way. I suggest that although you should weave them into your paragraphs, you end the paragraph with a sentence that draws it back in.

As for your conclusion: this is another opportunity to address the question well. Here is a scaffold that I will propose:

-Explicitly answer the question
-Deal with Machiavelli's context and the purpose for his work.
-Deal with Shakespeare's context and his purpose.
-Directly link between why the attitudes and values of Machiavelli are relevant yet reshaped in Shakespeare's text.
-Tie back into the question again.


Once you nail answering the question - there is very little left for you to work on! You're doing super well. Your essay gains so so much integrity when you deal with the question in an integrated and sophisticated manner.


Good luck! Don't be afraid to message back! :)
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 03, 2016, 10:48:33 am
Hey ATAR Notes,

I was wondering if you could help me out with an assessment question we are doing at school. It is a speech on W.B.Yeats' selected poetry. Out of the 4 poems we were given, I chose "Wild Swans At Coole" (more personal) and "Easter 1916". The question is:
 
“It is the tension, between the personal and political that creates interest in Yeats’ poetry”

What I wanted to ask was for you to clarify what the tension between the personal and political actually is. I'm not to sure how it relates to W.B.Yeats. Also if you could give us some arguments that we could use and revolve our analysis around, that would be super awesome!!

Thanks guys,
Cynthia :)
Year 12

Hey Cynthia! I studied W B Yeats and I just loved that Module. I'll start by pointing a few things out to you about Yeats and his poetry.

-Yeats was generally quite a peaceful man. You can see this if you compare him, the poet, to the heroic men he mentions in Easter 1916.
-All of his poetry contains tension. If you want to prepare a Module B thesis that you can hopefully apply to anything: tension is the way to go.
-There is tension in Wild Swans: permanent/changing, youth/old, swans/humans, seasons.
-There is tension in Easter 1916: Yeats gives credited mention to the abusive lover of the woman Yeats loves, the tension between Ireland being traditional and Ireland coming of age and the tension between the personal and the political - as Yeats writes about a political issue in an intensely personal way (through poetry).

In saying this, Wild Swans at Coole doesn't offer a lot in terms of politics. My reading of the poem is that it is completely about internal conflict and turmoil in finding certainty in himself.

If you are using these two texts, the best way to approach the question I think, is to compare how vast Yeats' oeuvre is. So you kind of agree but disagree with the question. This is your essay question:

“It is the tension, between the personal and political that creates interest in Yeats’ poetry”

You could say that the tension between the personal and the political is important in some aspects of his poetry, but tension is explored on many levels, which is what makes his poetry interesting.

If you had substituted Wild Swans for The Irish Airman Foresees his Death or Leda and the Swan, then you would have an easier time making the personal/political connection. Otherwise, Wild Swans is definitely the most universal poem in my eyes so it is great that you are doing an indepth study of it now!

Here are some scholarly quotes about Easter 1916 that may help you:

"Tied by birth to unionism, memorialist of the executed Nationalist rebels of 1916, W. B. Yeats mirrored Ireland's divisions in his self-divisions -- yet saw the island as a single cultural entity sprung from common roots in common myths." – Seamus Heaney

The spectacle of a poet's work invigorated by his lifelong struggle against the artistic inertia of his nation is one that would shed strong light into any era." –Louise Bogan

Here are some scholarly quotes about Wild Swans at Coole that may help you:

“Appeared during a significant movement in the poet’s life and stands therein as a crucial turning point in his relation to the poetic task.” – Andrew Gates.

“Yet, although his melancholy looms throughout the poem, Yeats succeeds in establishing, by the very structure of the poem, a response to it, transcending his individual despair through the creation of the poetic object itself.” – Andrew Gates.

In my eyes, the essay question doesn't lend itself to the Wild Swans at Coole. However, you can always make it work! :)
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: chuckiecheese on March 05, 2016, 08:40:11 pm
Hey guys,

This is a kind of semi-dodgy Mod B Yeats Essay. Any criticism would be unreal!

Cheers
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 15, 2016, 08:42:13 am
Hi, i am currently studying Module A (The Prince and Julius Caesar), it would be great if you could take a look at my essay.
 Thanks, i have attached it

Hey Alex!!
Thank you for posting, we are really keen to take a look at your work. Unfortunately, we can't do that until you've made 5 posts on ATAR Notes. You've made two so far, so make three more and we will help you out. The reason for this is, the service is overwhelmed so we need to make sure that the people who want it the most receive the highest quality feedback. You can post on any forum, asking questions, saying thanks, or even answering questions!

Hopefully we will see you back soon :)
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 16, 2016, 09:50:49 am
Hey guys,

This is a kind of semi-dodgy Mod B Yeats Essay. Any criticism would be unreal!

Cheers

Hey there! I'm ridiculously sorry that this has taken so long - somehow you got lost in the shuffle :(

Here is your original essay:
Spoiler
"From the poems you have studied in detail, what have you identified as three of Yeats' concerns and how does he represent these concerns? Refer to three poems of your own choice"

Yeats addresses his concerns through the poetic form to directly consolidate and stress their overall importance. The presentation of Yeats’ concerns is addressed directly through a dichotomy of ideas and thus explores thoroughly the concerns inherent in the human condition, for example: the concern of mortality and immortality, the concern of man and the spiritual realm and the concern of the literal and the imaginative. Yeats foregrounds these concerns through the specific use of enjambment, repetition, and imagery, among other techniques, in the poems ‘The Wild Swans at Coole’, ‘Leda and the Swan’, ‘Among School Children’, thus revealing his thorough investigation into these concerns.

John McGuirk (2003) suggests that the significance of Yeats’ poetry lies in his consideration of the “universal paradigms of permanence and flux.” Whilst this is evident in a number of his poems, especially ‘Easter 1916’, a more critical deconstruction of Yeats’ poetry reveals the concerns of mortality and immortality, of man and the spiritual realm, and of the literal and the imaginative to be of much more significance.

The concern of mortality and immortality is particularly evident in Yeats’ 1919 ‘The Wild Swans at Coole’. The poem is based upon the idea of transition and dealing with change, especially as ones life progresses with age and time. The swans evident in the poem symbolise what Yeats cannot achieve in his ageing and mortal life, as they are depicted as immortal and ethereal and thus can achieve anything whilst he cannot. The constant repetition of ‘still’ in the second, fourth and fifth stanzas conveys a sense of stillness, which is in direct contrast to the swans “suddenly” flying away in the third stanza. This is symbolizing Yeats’ view of his own life at the time, as well as the stages of stillness and confusion he experienced. Yeats’ concern of mortality and immortality is especially evident in this poem.

It can be said that Yeats’ poetry is so broad that it begins to question the great mythological narratives and their meaning, and thus the concern of man and the spiritual realm. This is particularly observable in his 1928 ‘Leda and the Swan’. In Greek mythology, Zeus visited Leda in the form of a swan. Once again the symbol of the tranquil and virgin swan is present in the body of Yeats’ poetry. Yeats viewed Zeus’s visit and violent act of love to Leda as an ‘annunciation’, thus the culture, philosophy and civilisation created by mankind can be seen as being abused by forces that transcend our realm and reach the spiritual realm, and therefore the implications of which are out of mankind’s control. The poem is also a sonnet, which conventionally is associated with love, however, as Yeats takes view the that Zeus’s visit and violent act of love to Leda is an ‘annunciation’, it can be said that the violent and destructive imagery distorts the usual elements of the traditionally romantic sonnet. The destructive and cataclysmic imagery Yeats presents in the poem: “…staggering, helpless, terrified,” conveys a sense of drastic fear being experienced by Leda. The broad nature of Yeats’ poetry extends so much that it questions the conventional nature of mythological narratives, and thus presents the concern of man and the spiritual realm.

At the time of writing ‘Among School Children’, in 1928, Yeats was a sixty-year-old senator, exploring the literal and the imaginative in his old age. The poem swiftly moves from a direct consideration of the children who he is visiting to Yeats’ early love, Maud Gonne, and then to a passionate conclusion in which all of Yeats’ platonic thinking blends together, questioning the basis of human existence in its entirety. Yeats switches between being in the present, literally among the school children, to being in a “dream like state.” The employment of enjambment dissolves the steady rhythm of the poem and thus gives the poem a sense of urgency, which Yeats would have felt between the literal and the imaginative. The urgency is expressed through Yeats’ state of mind, as he is present at the school but his imagination is not in the present, rather it is in the past. Yeats delves extremely deep in his exploration of the concern of the literal and the imaginative in ‘Among School Children.’

The choice by Yeats to discern and abridge his ideas through poetic form is deliberate as it allows him to be direct and concise in the expression of his concerns. Indefinitely, Yeats explores thoroughly the concerns of mortality and immortality, of man and the spiritual realm, and of the literal and the imaginative throughout the body of his works, including but not limited to, ‘The Wild Swans at Coole’, ‘Leda and the Swan’, and ‘Among School Children.’ All of Yeats’ concerns are explored and addressed thoroughly through the use of many techniques to stress their overarching importance.

Here is my feedback on your essay, written in bold:
Spoiler
"From the poems you have studied in detail, what have you identified as three of Yeats' concerns and how does he represent these concerns? Refer to three poems of your own choice"
First of all, three poems is rough! I only ever tackled two at a time.

Yeats addresses his concerns through the poetic form to directly consolidate and stress their When you say "their" are you referring to the concerns? The overall importance of the concerns? I would try this, "Yeats' poetic oeuvre directly addresses his personal concerns regarding the world around him." Or something to this effect. The first sentence is a bit clumsy. Which happens, of course! You just need to work on your opening so that it is really punchy. You'd even need to alter the one I'm suggesting. I've suggested it because it has more direction. overall importance. The presentation of Yeats’ concerns is addressed You used "addressed" last sentence. I also don't think it is the most effective word to use here. I would flip your syntax:
The interplay of dichotomous ideas in Yeats' work thoroughly explores the concerns inherent within..."
directly through a dichotomy of ideas and thus explores thoroughly the concerns inherent in the human condition, for example: "For example" works in a way that shows you are inviting the reader to think about a number of notions, rather than showing them that YOU have already thought about them. I would end your last sentence before the "for example" and open the new sentence all fresh and new. the concern of mortality and immortality, the concern of man and the spiritual realm and the concern of the literal and the imaginative. You repeat "the concern of". Either say this once and list the concerns, or use synonyms.Yeats foregrounds these concerns through the specific use of enjambment, repetition, and imagery, among other techniques, in the poems ‘The Wild Swans at Coole’, ‘Leda and the Swan’, ‘Among School Children’, thus revealing his thorough investigation into these concerns.
Now that I see which poems you wish to address, I would actually name the poem, and identify the concern that manifests within. Rather than list the concerns and list the poem titles, you should consider connecting a poem with a concern, but also mentioning that many of the concerns flow through the oeuvre.

John McGuirk (2003) suggests that the significance of Yeats’ poetry lies in his consideration of the “universal paradigms of permanence and flux.” Whilst this is evident in a number of his poems, especially ‘Easter 1916’, a more critical deconstruction of Yeats’ poetry reveals the concerns of mortality and immortality, of man and the spiritual realm, and of the literal and the imaginative to be of much more significance. The old Module B syllabus required scholarly readings. Now, you do not have to use them. I would, as long as you show how their personal response has informed your personal response, because that's what this module is. So I wouldn't give a whole sentence to this guy, I would actually embed his quote in your own sentence to make it clear that it has informed your personal response.

The concern of mortality and immortality is particularly evident in Yeats’ 1919 ‘The Wild Swans at Coole’. The poem is based upon the idea of transition and dealing with change, especially as ones life progresses with age and time. The swans evident You've used evident twice (Also, I would use a short quote here to describe the vitality of the swans)in the poem symbolise what Yeats cannot achieve in his ageing and mortal life, as they are depicted as immortal and ethereal and thus can achieve anything whilst he cannot. The constant repetition of ‘still’ in the second, fourth and fifth stanzas conveys a sense of stillness, Tautologous. Instead, try "stagnant" which is in direct contrast to the swans “suddenly” flying away in the third stanza. This is symbolizing Yeats’ view of his own life at the time, as well as the stages of stillness and confusion he experienced. Yeats’ concern of mortality and immortality is especially evident in this poem.

It can be said It can be? Or are you actually saying it? This module is about your personal response, so don't shy from telling the reader exactly what your response is. that Yeats’ poetry is so broad Broad? I would say deep, meaningful, etc, because talking about mythology isn't broad, it is actually quite specific that it begins to question the great mythological narratives and their meaning, and thus the concern of man and the spiritual realm. This is particularly observable in his 1928 poem ‘Leda and the Swan’. In Greek mythology, Zeus visited Leda in the form of a swan. Once again the symbol of the tranquil and virgin swan is present in the body of Yeats’ poetry. Yeats viewed Zeus’s visit and violent act of love to Leda as an ‘annunciation’, (Also a biblical allusion) thus the culture, philosophy and civilisation created by mankind can be seen as being abused by forces that transcend our realm and reach the spiritual realm, and therefore the implications of which are out of mankind’s control. The poem is also a sonnet, which conventionally is associated with love, however, as Yeats takes view the that Zeus’s visit and violent act of love to Leda is an ‘annunciation’, it can be said that the violent and destructive imagery distorts the usual elements of the traditionally romantic sonnet. The destructive and cataclysmic imagery Yeats presents in the poem: “…staggering, helpless, terrified,” conveys a sense of drastic fear being experienced by Leda. The broad nature of Yeats’ poetry extends so much that it questions the conventional nature of mythological narratives, and thus presents the concern of man and the spiritual realm.

At the time of writing ‘Among School Children’, in 1928, Yeats was a sixty-year-old senator, exploring the literal and the imaginative in his old age. The poem swiftly moves from a direct consideration of the children who he is visiting to Yeats’ early love, Maud Gonne, and then to a passionate conclusion in which all of Yeats’ platonic thinking blends together, questioning the basis of human existence in its entirety. Yeats switches between being in the present, literally among the school children, to being in a “dream like state.” The employment of enjambment dissolves the steady rhythm of the poem and thus gives the poem a sense of urgency, which Yeats would have felt between the literal and the imaginative. The urgency is expressed through Yeats’ state of mind, as he is present at the school but his imagination is not in the present, rather it is in the past. Yeats delves extremely deep in his exploration of the concern of the literal and the imaginative in ‘Among School Children.’

The choice by Yeats to discern and abridge his ideas through poetic form is deliberate as it allows him to be direct and concise in the expression of his concerns. Indefinitely, Yeats explores thoroughly the concerns of mortality and immortality, of man and the spiritual realm, and of the literal and the imaginative throughout the body of his works, including but not limited to, ‘The Wild Swans at Coole’, ‘Leda and the Swan’, and ‘Among School Children.’ All of Yeats’ concerns are explored and addressed thoroughly through the use of many techniques to stress their overarching importance.

I think you are unfortunately limited by the "three text" guideline in your essay. I have pointed out where expression should be improved - but there is room for a little more. Otherwise, your actual technical analysis and articulation of that is quite impressive.

The thing letting you down is the structure. Each text should be dealt with adequately with equal opportunity. Integration of the poems wouldn't hurt, only because it means you are showing that the concerns flow through the oeuvre. Remember to talk about the body of work as a whole, and then scoop in on each poem. Module B is difficult in that it has little intricacies like this, but when you get a hold on it, I'm sure it will be really positive for you. Your next step is to work on the structure, then work on dealing with the body of work as a whole and then as divided by poems. This essay is similar to where my own was at this time of year during my HSC. Build up a really good word bank specific to Mod B and Yeats, and then push forward from there :)

What's your favourite poem? Is it Wild Swans?
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: imtrying on March 21, 2016, 04:39:17 pm
Module B Essay using speeches. Question is on the PDF.
Thankyou  :) :) :)
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 21, 2016, 05:16:44 pm
hello :)
I was just wondering whether you could please give me some feedback and advice on my draft essay (Tempest + Related Text)? This is the first time I've done a related text (we didn't do one in year 11 for some obscure reason) so I've struggled a lot and not feeling that confident with it. I'm not sure if I've really answered the question (we had to make it up ourselves) or have sustained ideas in my paragraphs + it's way too long so please, give me as much feedback as you can!! Go hard or go home haha thankyou so much!

Module B Essay using speeches. Question is on the PDF.
Thankyou  :) :) :)


Hey there, you two! I'm really sorry - but before we have a look at this, I'll need to ask that you either post it as a word document or copy and paste your essay into a comment. The reason for this is, when I copy and paste the words from a PDF into the comment space for me to edit, it makes the paragraphs and line structure go crazy and it becomes really hard to edit properly! Sorry! If you post it back I'll get back to you as soon as possible. Thanks!
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: imtrying on March 21, 2016, 05:38:44 pm

Hey there, you two! I'm really sorry - but before we have a look at this, I'll need to ask that you either post it as a word document or copy and paste your essay into a comment. The reason for this is, when I copy and paste the words from a PDF into the comment space for me to edit, it makes the paragraphs and line structure go crazy and it becomes really hard to edit properly! Sorry! If you post it back I'll get back to you as soon as possible. Thanks!

Oops, sorry about that:)
I've attached it as a Word file now
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: wesadora on March 22, 2016, 12:50:41 am
Hey Elyse. I have a school assessment tomorrow on the same essay question (we were given the question in class) and I would like to check if you would have any last-minute recommendations for my writing style/content/form before my exam tomorrow?

I understand if you don't get back in time....but I would appreciate any reply- I really respect this generous gesture of free essay marking. Wow :o
Thanks!
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 22, 2016, 09:53:21 pm
Hey Elyse. I have a school assessment tomorrow on the same essay question (we were given the question in class) and I would like to check if you would have any last-minute recommendations for my writing style/content/form before my exam tomorrow?

I understand if you don't get back in time....but I would appreciate any reply- I really respect this generous gesture of free essay marking. Wow :o
Thanks!

Hey there! I hope this isn't too late! I will just touch on minor things that can be easily fixed so that if you read this before your exam, you have the ability to make changes (if any)!

Original:
Spoiler
In what ways does a comparative study of Richard III and Looking for Richard enhance your appreciation of how context affects form and values?

In a time shaped by conservative providentialism, Shakespeare’s sixteenth century historical tragedy King Richard III challenges the values of his era through the representation of the villainous character of Richard. Contrastingly, Al Pacino takes a different approach towards interpreting the character of Richard in his docudrama Looking for Richard (1992) as he utilises film form to effectively convey Shakespearean values and meaning to a postmodern audience.  Points of contrast and connections between the two texts can be drawn when exploring key values such as religious worldviews, ambition, power and authority. The different applications of these values are thus demonstrated through the two composers’ unique use of form, evident when considering the dichotomy of two, distinct contextual interests.

The religious tension between providentialism and determinism within the Elizabethan era’s religious contextual influence is evident in Shakespeare’s work, although Pacino’s text places greater focus on the role of the individual. Shakespeare’s Richard often uses theatrical, religious imagery to construct a righteous appearance for the common population. He appears before the citizens with theatrical symbols such as “a book of prayer in his hand” to align his appearance with righteous Christian values. Furthermore, Richard’s association with humanistic beliefs is evident when he admittedly recognizes he is unsuited to a peacetime life in Act I. He says, “But I am not shaped for sportive tricks, and so I am determined to prove a villain”. This paradoxical pun epitomises the aforementioned conflict between beliefs by Richard’s double entendre of ‘determined’. Shakespeare uses this to pose two possibilities that Richard is either motivated to act a villain out of personal interests, or is divinely preordered to do so. This tension is in direct contrast in Pacino’s Looking for Richard, which aims to engage a secular audience. Supernatural elements from the play are abandoned, such as the ghost scene in Act V in favour of exploring Richard’s psychological, human struggle. Instead, Richard is haunted by memories of his past. Intercutting scenes between rehearsal footage and dramatised performance serves to represent his split identity crisis. Furthermore, rapid montage to superimpose his villainous deeds is coupled with repetitive voiceovers of “despair and die”. Pacino thus rejects the play’s equal religious parallelism between the curse, “despair and die” and blessing, “live and flourish”, favouring determinism in which Richard’s final destiny is self-inflicted rather than preordained. Pacino uses his unique hybrid of film form to dwell upon Richard’s human power to construct his own destiny, marginalising the tension between Elizabethan religious values explored by Shakespeare.

These differences in religious contexts also affect the representation of ambition and power, contrasting the nature of Richard’s ascension and downfall between the two texts. The play’s core structure is characterised with the rising action of Richard utilising cunning deception to gain accession to the throne in the first three acts. He constructs a humble appearance to persuade others he is deserving of the throne: for example, he insists, “your love deserves my thanks, but desert unmeritable shuns your high request”. The pure Machiavellian deception takes advantage of reverse psychology to trick the common citizens. However, in Acts IV and V his customary eloquence deserts him; his hamartia apparent by this stage as is the case for Shakespearean tragedy plays. He says, “Is there a murderer here? No. Yes, I am”. The nonsensical anthypophora and disruption of rhythm breaks Shakespeare’s iambic pentameter to signify his loss of power. On the contrary, twentieth-century knowledge regarding psychology shapes Pacino’s interpretation of the text, particularly in the final act as Richard’s subterfuge lingers through filmic elements. Intercutting the uninteresting low eye-level, static frame of Richmond’s prayer with the handheld camera movement and low-angle shot of Richard’s oration displays his strong ambition and charismatic personality, even in the final scenes. His dynamic oration is further amplified, interspersed with a montage of vivid battle scenes complemented with sudden red and white flashes to uphold Richard’s longstanding power during the final scenes as the dramatic crux of the film. Thus, the different way in which both composers portray the longevity of Richard’s villainous character represents their interpretation and interests regarding ambition and power.


The influence of these previously discussed conservative Elizabethan values is evident in Shakespeare’s hyperbolic portrayal of Richard’s villainous nature compared to Pacino’s artistic freedom to communicate the play’s core values how he pleases. Shakespeare’s vilification of Richard seems logical as he is obligated to support the Tudor Myth and the Divine Right of Kings. Therefore, he portrays Richard to inherit the role of an alien to society from the outset of the play. The opening lines, “Now is the winter of our discontent, made glorious summer by this son of York” throw off the form of verse with trochaic inversion, going against iambic pentameter; one of Shakespeare’s most ingrained language devices. Richard is shown to be a unique and corrupt character in this sense. The essence of his corruption is also communicated being described as “deformed, unfinished, sent before my time”. Unpleasant images of physical deformity justify Richard’s corruption as a consequence of his villainous nature and usurpation of the throne later on. However, Pacino is not restricted by religious and superstitious values and so exercises an egalitarian approach towards ‘organically’ communicating Shakespeare’s core values. His work is a deliberate pastiche of ‘behind-the-scenes’ rehearsals, vox pops, interviews, commentary and dramatised segments. For example, cutting between the vox pop of an African-American man’s profound statements that “Shakespeare instructed us [to feel]” and nonsensical pronouncements of educated actors regarding the “iambic pentameter of the soul”. This intentional juxtaposition exemplifies the wide appeal of Shakespeare Pacino is encouraging. In valuing the process of exploring the play rather than the finished product, Pacino even undercuts the villainous nature of Richard at times. The film itself ends by diminishing the seriousness of Richard’s death by cutting to an organic, unedited handheld camera shot of Pacino dying on a staircase. The villainy of Richard and exploration of Shakespearean values in these two texts is a product of the composers’ purpose.
   
Varying contexts of two distinctly different eras evidently shape Shakespeare’s and Pacino’s representation of Richard. Values concerning religion, power, villainy and authority are communicated through the appropriate textual and filmic forms necessary. The variety of form and structure is evident in the way these two composers thus place their chosen focus on certain aspects of the play according to common worldviews within their respective context.


With my writing in bold:
Spoiler
In what ways does a comparative study of Richard III and Looking for Richard enhance your appreciation of how context affects form and values?

In a time shaped by conservative providentialism, Shakespeare’s sixteenth century historical tragedy King Richard III challenges the values of his era through the representation of the villainous character of Richard. Super informative, super good!)Contrastingly, Al Pacino takes a different approach towards interpreting the character of Richard in his docudrama Looking for Richard (1992) as he utilises film form to effectively convey Shakespearean values and meaning to a postmodern audience.  Points of contrast and connections between the two texts can be drawn when exploring key values such as religious worldviews, ambition, power and authority. The different applications of these values are thus demonstrated through the two composers’ unique use of form, evident when considering the dichotomy of two, distinct contextual interests.  In here, I would probably define the context-value connection in Shakespeare a little more. Talk about the current monarch, the need to flatter it, providentialism, etc. All of these things will form the basis of what you contrast too. It only needs to be touched on here and fleshed out later. Either way, this is a solid introduction, don't fret. But that is something I suggest!

The religious tension between providentialism and determinism within the Elizabethan era’s religious contextual influence is evident in Shakespeare’s work, although Pacino’s text places greater focus on the role of the individual rather than a deity? predetermination? Your marker will know what you mean, but you want to be super explicit.. Shakespeare’s Richard often uses theatrical, religious imagery to construct a righteous appearance for the common population. He appears before the citizens with theatrical symbols such as “a book of prayer in his hand” to align his appearance with righteous Christian values. Wonderful! Furthermore, Richard’s association with humanistic beliefs is evident when he admittedly recognizes he is unsuited to a peacetime life in Act I. He says, “But I am not shaped for sportive tricks, and so I am determined to prove a villain”. This paradoxical pun epitomises the aforementioned conflict between beliefs by Richard’s double entendre of ‘determined’. Shakespeare uses this to pose two possibilities that Richard is either motivated to act a villain out of personal interests, or is divinely preordered to do so. This tension is in direct contrast in Pacino’s Looking for Richard, which aims to engage a secular audience. Supernatural elements from the play are abandoned, such as the ghost scene in Act V in favour of exploring Richard’s psychological, human struggle. Instead, Richard is haunted by memories of his past. Intercutting scenes between rehearsal footage and dramatised performance serves to represent his split identity crisis. Furthermore, rapid montage to superimpose his villainous deeds is coupled with repetitive voiceovers of “despair and die”. Pacino thus rejects the play’s equal religious parallelism between the curse, “despair and die” and blessing, “live and flourish”, favouring determinism in which Richard’s final destiny is self-inflicted rather than preordained. Pacino uses his unique hybrid of film form to dwell upon Richard’s human power to construct his own destiny, marginalising the tension between Elizabethan religious values explored by Shakespeare.  At the start of this paragraph, I would try provide a little more info. Why did Shakespeare have to flatter Richard? Why did he have something to prove? I'm saying this because I think it makes the content make more sense, but also because the essay question asks for context! Your analysis is very strong.

These differences in religious contexts also affect the representation of ambition and power, contrasting the nature of Richard’s ascension and downfall between the two texts. The play’s core structure is characterised with the rising action of Richard utilising cunning deception to gain accession to the throne in the first three acts. He constructs a humble appearance to persuade others he is deserving of the throne: for example, he insists, “your love deserves my thanks, but desert unmeritable shuns your high request”. The pure Machiavellian deception takes advantage of reverse psychology to trick the common citizens. However, in Acts IV and V his customary eloquence deserts him; his hamartia apparent by this stage as is the case for Shakespearean tragedy plays. He says, “Is there a murderer here? No. Yes, I am”. The nonsensical anthypophora and disruption of rhythm breaks Shakespeare’s iambic pentameter to signify his loss of power. On the contrary, twentieth-century knowledge regarding psychology shapes Pacino’s interpretation of the text, particularly in the final act as Richard’s subterfuge lingers through filmic elements. Intercutting the uninteresting low eye-level, static frame of Richmond’s prayer with the handheld camera movement and low-angle shot of Richard’s oration displays his strong ambition and charismatic personality, even in the final scenes. His dynamic oration is further amplified, interspersed with a montage of vivid battle scenes complemented with sudden red and white flashes to uphold Richard’s longstanding power during the final scenes as the dramatic crux of the film. Thus, the different way in which both composers portray the longevity of Richard’s villainous character represents their interpretation and interests regarding ambition and power.
I think you deal with the texts with a good balance!

The influence of these previously discussed conservative Elizabethan values is evident in Shakespeare’s hyperbolic portrayal of Richard’s villainous nature compared to Pacino’s artistic freedom to communicate the play’s core values how he pleases. Shakespeare’s vilification of Richard seems logical as he is obligated to support the Tudor Myth and the Divine Right of Kings. Therefore, he portrays Richard to inherit the role of an alien to society from the outset of the play. The opening lines, “Now is the winter of our discontent, made glorious summer by this son of York” throw off the form of verse with trochaic inversion, going against iambic pentameter; one of Shakespeare’s most ingrained language devices. Richard is shown to be a unique and corrupt character in this sense. The essence of his corruption is also communicated being described as “deformed, unfinished, sent before my time”. Unpleasant images of physical deformity justify Richard’s corruption as a consequence of his villainous nature and usurpation of the throne later on. However, Pacino is not restricted by religious and superstitious values and so exercises an egalitarian approach towards ‘organically’ communicating Shakespeare’s core values. His work is a deliberate pastiche of ‘behind-the-scenes’ rehearsals, vox pops, interviews, commentary and dramatised segments. For example, cutting between the vox pop of an African-American man’s profound statements that “Shakespeare instructed us [to feel]” and nonsensical pronouncements of educated actors regarding the “iambic pentameter of the soul”. This intentional juxtaposition exemplifies the wide appeal of Shakespeare Pacino is encouraging. In valuing the process of exploring the play rather than the finished product, Pacino even undercuts the villainous nature of Richard at times. The film itself ends by diminishing the seriousness of Richard’s death by cutting to an organic, unedited handheld camera shot of Pacino dying on a staircase. The villainy of Richard and exploration of Shakespearean values in these two texts is a product of the composers’ purpose.
   
Varying contexts of two distinctly different eras evidently shape Shakespeare’s and Pacino’s representation of Richard. Again, I would sketch the details of the context here just briefly. Mainly because it is specifically referenced in the essay question! Values concerning religion, power, villainy and authority are communicated through the appropriate textual and filmic forms necessary. The variety of form and structure is evident in the way these two composers thus place their chosen focus on certain aspects of the play according to common worldviews within their respective context.


You'll do really well. Stay calm, you know your stuff!
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: wesadora on March 22, 2016, 10:14:10 pm
THANK YOU SO MUCH ELYSE! I kept refreshing this page all day whilst trying to compile logical notes for this (we're allowed to bring in 1 page of notes into the exam) and memorize a bit. I'll be sure to incorporate some of your suggestions...thanks again <3
:D
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 23, 2016, 10:09:52 pm
Oops, sorry about that:)
I've attached it as a Word file now

Hey there!

Thanks so much for reposting, I really appreciate it!

OKay, here is your original:
Spoiler
Speeches embrace the power of words and draw attention to flaws in society to inspire change in their audience.
To what extent does this perspective align with your understanding of the speeches set for study?

Speeches are powerful persuasive tools utilized by skilled speakers who understand the power tied up in their words and how they use them in influencing the thoughts and actions of others. In addressing their audiences, speechmakers focus in on societal inequalities and injustices and, to varying degrees, attempt to bring about change, either by provoking the listener to take action or to simply become more informed or aware of an issue. Although both approach their subject differently, both Anwar Sadat’s Speech to the Israeli Knesset and Noel Pearson’s An Australian History For Us All are speeches which, through use of literary technique and rhetorical device, harness the power of words, and to varying degrees, attempt to inspire change.
One of the most powerful and important ways in which a speechmaker can use their words is by taking account of the audience to whom they are speaking, and recognising how they must tailor their language forms in order for their words to be persuasive and resonate with their audience. This is particularly true in the case of Sadat’s speech, given the context in which it was delivered. Sadat delivered this speech in 1977, by which time a long history of conflict and war had existed between the state of Israel and Egypt, of which Sadat was then President. Sadat was determined to bring an end to the hostilities of the two nations by visiting the Israeli Knesset, but in so doing, placed himself, the head of a foreign enemy state, which was itself the source of a great deal of sorrow and anger in Israel, within their own parliament. Rather than allow this raw emotion to detract from his message, Sadat used this emotion to his own advantage by taking considerable effort to establish pathos with his audience. This is demonstrated in the speech when Sadat asks the audience to consider the effects of war on the civilian, relating the flow-on effect of the loss of human life ‘irrespective of its being that of an Israeli or Arab.’ Expressions such as ‘the wife who becomes a widow’ and ‘innocent children’ are pieces of highly emotive language which focus the audience on a pain common to both nations, and also identifies that the real issue being discussed is not political ties but the need for justice and peace amongst nations. Sadat also establishes positive pathos by creating a common ground with his audience. This is imperative given the fractured relations between Israel and the nation Sadat represents. Sadat makes use of the strong religious background of his audience by linking the traditional faiths of both nations, as seen in his allusions to the shared suffering of ‘Muslims, Christians and Jews’ at regular intervals. This, along with inclusive language such as ‘we all’ and ‘us, you and the entire world,’ creates a feeling of shared experience with his audience and redirects the potential for negative and angry emotion to a common mourning over the devastations of war, an attitude which is much more suited to Sadat’s purpose of encouraging a change to mutual peace. Sadat then addresses his solution for change in the form of quaesitio questions, asking ‘why don’t we stretch our hands…so that we might destroy this barrier?’, a technique which includes the audience in the decision making process and identifies the change as theirs to make. In order for his audience to take notice of what is being said, Sadat also looks to establish his own authority and appeal to the ethos of the audience. He achieves this in several ways, including the use of facts, dates, names and documents such as ‘the Balfour Declaration’ and the ‘Geneva Conference,’ which demonstrates to the audience that he is well informed of the facts and in a credible position to advocate needed change. This authority is also established by reference to his powerful political position and that he is coming to speak to them ‘In the name of God, the Gracious and Merciful,’ which not only establishes him as a sincere religious figure, but also demonstrates his understanding of the devout spiritual context of his audience. By exercising his authority and establishing his own ethos, Sadat effectively balances the emotional aspects of his language with stark reality, moving his audience to make a tangible change.
Despite the difference in context and purpose, Pearson’s speech also utilises rhetorical device to give his words persuasive power and address current issues in the quest for societal change. Pearson delivered his speech in Australia in 1996, a time when recognition of past injustice and subsequent reconciliation between Indigenous and non-Indigenous people was a contentious topic both at governmental level and amongst the general public. The purpose of Pearson’s speech here is to present an argument against the views of some politicians, Prime Minister John Howard in particular as well as the media, who, according to Pearson, advocate the repression of responsibility for injustices over imposing ‘guilt’ on the Australian people. Unlike Sadat, Pearson is in a position in which he has full freedom of speech to criticise even government leaders, and he uses this to his advantage to create his own ethos. He emphasises his own credibility by discrediting his opponents, making an effective use of irony and sarcasm particularly regarding John Howard’s stance on the issue, claiming he would be better to “read Robert Hughes (a social historian) rather than the opinion polls.” Throughout the speech, Pearson refers to or directly quotes, sometimes at length, prominent and respected figures to lend credibility to his arguments and establish ethos, all of which subtly cause the audience to take to heart his suggestions. Similar to Sadat, Pearson also uses emotive language to his advantage, establishing pathos with the audience through appeals to national pride, claiming that treatment of Aboriginal peoples “left the country with a legacy of unutterable shame.” This is underpinned by a repetition of a quote from former PM Keating that Australians need to “open our hearts a bit,” implicating the audience in the issue and giving it present-day relevance. Rhetorical questions are also used to incur a sense of responsibility on the audience and provoke them to take action, particularly in the quote from William Cooper: “Will you, by your apathy tacitly admit that you don’t care and thus assume the guilt of your fathers?” In this one quote, Pearson achieves ethos through reference to an authority figure as well as a sense of moral duty whilst calling his listeners to action.
Although the above speeches were made by different speakers, focussing on different issues in very different contexts and with varied purposes, it is clear through close analysis that they both possess the same quality: the recognition of the persuasive power of words. It is indeed through careful choice of language form and rhetorical device appropriate to audience and purpose that speakers are able to inspire change in the attitudes and actions of audience to right perceived flaws in society.

Here is your essay with some changes or suggestions written in bold font:
Spoiler
Speeches embrace the power of words and draw attention to flaws in society to inspire change in their audience.
To what extent does this perspective align with your understanding of the speeches set for study?

Speeches are powerful persuasive tools utilized (That's American English - it should be utilised) by skilled (Not sure about skilled? This is an action packed sentence and skilled doesn't add to this. Because speakers can be skilled or unskilled in one person's eyes and the opposite in another person's, it is subjective. Unless you were stating your opinion (which you are asked to do in this module but it doesn't appear you have taken that road in the first sentence, totally fine) then you should avoid subjectivity. speakers who understand the power tied up in their words (power of their words? capacity of their words?) and how they use them in influencing the thoughts and actions of others. In addressing their audiences, speechmakers focus in on societal inequalities and injustices and, to varying degrees, attempt to bring about change, either by provoking the listener to take action or to simply become more informed or aware of an issue. Although both approach their subject differently, both Anwar Sadat’s Speech to the Israeli Knesset and Noel Pearson’s An Australian History For Us All are speeches which, through use of literary technique and rhetorical device, harness the power of words, and to varying degrees, attempt to inspire change. (You have a lot of little phrases in here divided by commas. I would change this to, "...are speeches which harness the power of words through literary and rhetorical devices and to varying degrees, attempt to inspire change." Also remember, in this module you can use adverbs to describe how the composers work. Don't shy away from "artfully manipulates the conventions..." or "skillfully articulates..." Also. you've only implicitly dealt with the question in terms of the "flaws." I would definitely say flaws explicitly and use synonyms later.
One of the most powerful and important ways in which a speechmaker can use their words is by taking account of the audience to whom they are speaking, and recognising how they must tailor their language forms in order for their words to be persuasive and resonate with their audience. This is particularly true in the case of Sadat’s speech, given the context in which it was delivered. Sadat delivered this speech in 1977, by which time a long history of conflict and war had existed between the state of Israel and Egypt, of which Sadat was then President. Sadat was determined to bring an end to the hostilities of the two nations by visiting the Israeli Knesset, but in so doing, placed himself, the head of a foreign enemy state, which was itself the source of a great deal of sorrow and anger in Israel, within their own parliament.I'm noticing a trend in your writing  ;) You love the comma splices! Try to make your sentences flow as greatly as possible. Your use of commas makes it sound like you are actually writing a speech rather than writing about a speech. Rather than allow this raw emotion to detract from his message, Sadat used this emotion to his own advantage by taking considerable effort to establish pathos with his audience. Awesome! This is demonstrated in the speech when Sadat asks the audience to consider the effects of war on the civilian, relating the flow-on effect of the loss of human life ‘irrespective of its being that of an Israeli or Arab.’ Expressions such as ‘the wife who becomes a widow’ and ‘innocent children’ are pieces of highly emotive language which focus the audience on a pain common to both nations, and also identifies that the real issue being discussed is not political ties but the need for justice and peace amongst nations. Sadat also establishes positive pathos by creating a common ground with his audience. This is imperative given the fractured relations between Israel and the nation Sadat represents. Sadat makes use of the strong religious background of his audience by linking the traditional faiths of both nations, as seen in his allusions to the shared suffering of ‘Muslims, Christians and Jews’ at regular intervals. This, along with inclusive language such as ‘we all’ and ‘us, you and the entire world,’ creates a feeling of shared experience with his audience and redirects the potential for negative and angry emotion to a common mourning over the devastations of war, an attitude which is much more suited to Sadat’s purpose of encouraging a change to mutual peace. Sadat then addresses his solution for change in the form of quaesitio questions, asking ‘why don’t we stretch our hands…so that we might destroy this barrier?’, a technique which includes the audience in the decision making process and identifies the change as theirs to make. In order for his audience to take notice of what is being said, Sadat also looks to establish his own authority and appeal to the ethos of the audience. He achieves this in several ways, including the use of facts, dates, names and documents such as ‘the Balfour Declaration’ and the ‘Geneva Conference,’ which demonstrates to the audience that he is well informed of the facts and in a credible position to advocate needed change. This authority is also established by reference to his powerful political position and that he is coming to speak to them ‘In the name of God, the Gracious and Merciful,’ which not only establishes him as a sincere religious figure, but also demonstrates his understanding of the devout spiritual context of his audience. By exercising his authority and establishing his own ethos, Sadat effectively Excellent use of adverb! balances the emotional aspects of his language with stark reality, moving his audience to make a tangible change. Do remember what the question is asking of you. You've packed the paragraph full in ways that show your textual knowledge so so well. It is obvious that you do know the text well! However, you need a far more consistent link to the flaws and inspiration that the question asks of you. Although I can definitely see that it is angled at many times, you need to have a super strong thesis running through this to make sure that your awesome textual knowledge isn't penalised. You should aim to relate every, or every second, piece of textual evidence back to the question.
Despite the difference in context and purpose, Pearson’s speech also utilises rhetorical devices to give his words persuasive power and address current issues in the quest for societal change. Pearson delivered his speech in Australia in 1996, a time when recognition of past injustice and subsequent reconciliation between Indigenous and non-Indigenous people was a contentious topic both at governmental level and amongst the general public. The purpose of Pearson’s speech here is to present an argument against the views of some politicians, Prime Minister John Howard in particular as well as the media, who, according to Pearson, advocate the repression of responsibility for injustices over imposing ‘guilt’ on the Australian people. Unlike Sadat, Pearson is in a position in which he has full freedom of speech to criticise even government leaders, and he uses this to his advantage to create his own ethos. Great integration of texts here!He emphasises his own credibility by discrediting his opponents, making an effective use of irony and sarcasm particularly regarding John Howard’s stance on the issue, claiming he would be better to “read Robert Hughes (a social historian) rather than the opinion polls.” Throughout the speech, Pearson refers to or directly quotes, sometimes at length, prominent and respected figures to lend credibility to his arguments and establish ethos, all of which subtly cause the audience to take to heart his suggestions. Similar to Sadat, Pearson also uses emotive language to his advantage, establishing pathos with the audience through appeals to national pride, claiming that treatment of Aboriginal peoples “left the country with a legacy of unutterable shame.” This is underpinned by a repetition of a quote from former PM Keating that Australians need to “open our hearts a bit,” implicating the audience in the issue and giving it present-day relevance. Rhetorical questions are also used to incur a sense of responsibility on the audience and provoke them to take action, particularly in the quote from William Cooper: “Will you, by your apathy tacitly admit that you don’t care and thus assume the guilt of your fathers?” In this one quote, Pearson achieves ethos through reference to an authority figure as well as a sense of moral duty whilst calling his listeners to action. Again, the same as above, you need to refer to the question more.
Although the above speeches were made presented by different speakers, focussing on different issues in very different contexts and with varied purposes, it is clear through close analysis that they both possess the same quality: the recognition of the persuasive power of words. It is indeed through careful choice of language form and rhetorical device appropriate to audience and purpose that speakers are able to inspire change in the attitudes and actions of audience to right perceived flaws in society.


Okay:

Your textual analysis is truly truly awesome. I mean that! However, the linking to the question just isn't there enough. There is a personal voice developing, but it will get to the right level when it is linked to the essay question. You can disagree with the question, but each paragraph should be dictated by your response so that your marker can see that you have formed an opinion based on what is set for study and the essay question.

Like I said above, make sure that every, or every second, piece of textual referencing is directly related to the question/your thesis. This is also a good test if you ever need to cut out evidence: what can't be easily linked to the essay question?

You've got a good grasp on the speeches, their purpose, their achievements, their context, etc. Now it is time to work on the picky side of things and turn this knowledge into the kind of response that a marker wants to see. Let me know if this doesn't make perfect sense and I'll try flesh it out a little more :) You should be very pleased with your textual knowledge!
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 23, 2016, 11:11:05 pm
Hi,
Can you please look at my essay for The Crucible and my related.

Thank you so much  :D

Hey summerxyingshi!! Thanks for posting, we'd love to give you some feedback, but we can't until you've made 5 posts on ATAR Notes Forums. You are only a few away, try posting some questions, thanks, answers, anything! We introduced this restriction because this service is overwhelmingly popular, and we want to make sure the people who want it most receive high quality feedback, not just superficial comments on everyones essays, not as helpful  ;) just give us a reminder once you've met the requirement (maybe repost the essay too if that is okay) and we will jump on it when we can!

Hopefully we will get back to you soon  ;D
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 23, 2016, 11:15:22 pm
Hi, Elyse. Sorry but i was just wondering if you had missed marking mine?
No rush, just a reminder
Thanks

Hey WLalex, I think it did get lost in the shuffle bit, sorry! We'll get to your essay ASAP, thanks for your patience!!  ;D
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: imtrying on March 24, 2016, 08:45:26 am
Thankyou so so much for all your feedback! I've uploaded 2 essays now and it has helped me so much . You guys are awesome!  :D
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 24, 2016, 10:40:34 am
Hi, i am currently studying Module A (The Prince and Julius Caesar), it would be great if you could take a look at my essay.
 Thanks, i have attached it

Hey there! I am truly sorry that your essay got lost in the shuffle. Thank you for being so patient and sending a reminder, I would have hated for you to stay quiet and not received feedback!

Because your essay is sent on a PDF it looks a bit funny when I copy and paste it below because a PDF ensures that your writing cant be reformatted to fit the lines of this textbook. No problem though! I'm just letting you know so that you don't look at this like, what is going on here? haha

Here is your original essay:
Spoiler
Does the treatment of personal morality (actions and choices based on morality) in Julius Caesar
and The Prince reveal similarities or reinforce the texts’ distinctive qualities?
The treatment of personal morality is arguably the main contributing factor in rising or succumbing
to power. Machiavelli’s The Prince, a non-fiction political treatise written in prose form and
Shakespeare’s play, Julius Caesar, written in the final years of Elizabeth’s reign both communicate
the unstable nature of the political world where in order to sustain power, personal morality must be
obliterated. In the 16th century, a leader must possess the ability to be interchangeable when the
occasion demands it, using manipulation as a mechanism to gain support. Both texts deal with the
overarching question of whether a leader should accept the means justifying the end. Separate in
time and place, both composers value a nation of stability, arising issues of leadership and
succession, demonstrating both similarities and distinctive qualities regarding the implication of
personal morality in political decisions.
Personal morality in politics only leads to self-destruction, therefore there should be a distinction
between how a leader wants to act and how he should act. Machiavelli suggests that for a leader
to gain and maintain power he has to make decisions that negate his morality as to avoid moving
“towards self-destruction rather than self-preservation.” This contradiction reflects Machiavelli’s
contention in that he is emphasising why Florence is crumbling. Shakespeare presents the
character of Brutus as one who deviates from what Machiavelli, as he is portrayed as honorable,
yet naive, about the political treachery surrounding him. In his soliloquy, he is convincing himself
that Caesar’s death is necessary because “he would be crowned. How that might change his
nature.” Shakespeare uses Brutus’s implausible reasoning, with his wavering ethics as the
catalysts to which Brutus embarks on a road to self destruction. Machiavelli insists that there can
be no moral considerations when it comes to politics as “anyone who declines to behave as people
do, in order to behave as they should, is schooling himself for catastrophe.” Machiavelli’s political
realism in the early turmoil of 16th century Europe, shed light on the corrupt nature of humans and
their desires for power. Conjunctively, Shakespeare successfully demonstrated that a nation in
such state holds no room for honourable men as Cassius exploits Brutus’s honour as a weakness
for “who so firm that cannot be seduced?”. This rhetorical questions reiterates Cassius’s
machiavellian intent which will gradually dismantle Brutus’s character as Shakespeare emphasises
the state of political turmoil in Rome as a power struggled emerged due to England being without
an heir. Power demands the negation of morality in order for a leader not to succumb to self
destruction.
A leader must seperate their ethics from their actions, resulting in a persona that possess the
ability to be interchangeable when the occasion demands it. The prince has been regarded as the
‘work of the Devil’ as Machiavelli exposes the idea that in order to sustain power one must “be a
fox in order to recognise traps, and a lion to frighten off wolves.” Caesar recognised the danger of
Cassius, and arguably, if he had been a ‘lion’ as Machiavelli suggests, he would have been able to
cease Cassius’s intent before they spiralled. Cassius represents the Roman republic which was
fighting against the threat of the tyranny of monarchial rulers - with comparison to the Prince, it
could be concluded that Caesar was not of ‘machiavellian nature’ nor a tyrant. Machiavelli
conflicted with the Catholic Church’s ethical teachings in that as long as “a leader does what it
takes to win power and keep it, his methods will always be reckoned honourable and widely
praised” as the people are only concerned with the end result. The obliteration of ethics when the
occasion demands it fits Antony’s portrayal throughout Julius Caesar is one of admiration in his
ease of making rational political decisions. The composition of a proscription list immediately after
his persuasion of the people, Machiavelli would approve of, as a measure to ensure their smooth
advance into power and ensuring their position by removing any opponents. Antony in this, is
presented an astute leader as to win power he agrees that “[his sisters son] shall not live”. One
must be able to adapt when it is necessary.
A leader who is able to use manipulation as a mechanism to hid their true intent will achieve results
. Manipulation requires going against what the right thing would be in order to benefit oneself and
Machiavelli says that a leader has to “know to to disguise [their] slyness, how to pretend one thing
and cover up another”. Shakespeare successfully portrays this through Cassius who manipulates
Brutus’s to partake in the conspiracy as a figure-head that will cover his evil intents with that of
honourable reasoning and change “what would appear offence in us..will change to virtue and to
worthiness”. Through Cassius’s sinister approach Shakespeare is demonstrating the profusion of
ambition which drives elite men to strive for power at any cost. Machiavelli would agree with this
because a leader doesn't have to be “compassionate, loyal, humane, honest and religious,” as
long as he “seem to possess them.” This ostentatious list is in regard to the shifting allegiances
and betrayal surrounding the roman empire and Machiavelli suggests that to maintain power
amongst the fickle, a facade is essential as a mechanism of manipulation. In accord to this,
Shakespeare uses Antony as an epitome the Elizabethan ideal of being patriotic and able to make
effective political decisions. Antony’s calculated revelation of Caesar’s generosity finally drives the
crowd into a destructive frenzy. They leave, intent on revenge, and Antony’s calculated intention
becomes clear as he addresses the empty stage: “Now let it work. Mischief, thou art afoot, Take
thou what course thou wilt!,” addressing the power of rhetoric and the successive portrayal of
virtue. Manipulation is necessary to advances ones position.
In order to sustain power, a leader must accept that the end justifies the means. Due to human
nature, arguable, it is acceptable to take measures to control ambition to prevent tyranny.
Machiavelli emphasises that it’s important to “foresee and forestall future problems” and uses the
analogy of tuberculosis to relate to conspiracy in that “as time goes by it gets easy to diagnose and
hard to cure.” This is successfully demonstrated when Caesar recognises that “Cassius has a lean
and hungry look…such men are dangerous” but doesn’t do anything about it. Arguably, if he had
made the decisions necessary to ensure his safety, his rein would not have been challenged. In
order to maintain power Machiavelli says that a complete disregard for moral standards is required
which segregated his work from all that had gone before it as “the end is all that counts”.
Shakespeare uses Brutus as the main point of contention with the ‘Machiavellian’ idealism and the
use of personal morality. During a period of war, when one should supposedly nullify morality,
Brutus asks cassius, “did not great Julius bleed for justice’ sake?”. Shakespeare uses this rhetoric
question to connect with his audience and propose the spiralling threat of a non-ethical world.
Whilst Brutus questions morality in theMachiavellian view that the end justifies the means, it is
clear that a leader will have to go against his moral if he is to succeed in the political world.
The use of personal morality supply’s one with the ability to both achieve and fail.Machiavelli’s
political treatise, The Prince and Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar, despite seperate in time and place,
clearly enhance the portrayal of moral standards in regards to how a leader should act and the
threats necessary to gain and maintain power. Acting as a ‘how to’ guide and demonstrative
handbook, both composers successfully demonstrate the role of people in a nations stability.

Here is your essay with my annotations written in bold:
Spoiler
Does the treatment of personal morality (actions and choices based on morality) in Julius Caesar
and The Prince reveal similarities or reinforce the texts’ distinctive qualities?


The treatment of personal morality is arguably the main contributing factor in rising or succumbing
to power. Awesome! Machiavelli’s The Prince, a non-fiction political treatise written in prose form and
Shakespeare’s play, Julius Caesar, written in the final years of Elizabeth’s reign both communicate
the unstable nature of the political world where in order to sustain power, personal morality must be
obliterated. This sentence reads awkwardly because you've got a bunch of clauses and phrases that are a bit disjointed. I would write this as:
"Machiavelli's non-fiction political treatise written in prose, The Prince, and Shakespeare's historical tragedy composed in the final years of Queen Elizabeth's reign, Julis Caesar, both observe the unstable nature of the political world. Both texts explore the notion that in order to sustain power, personal morality must be obliterated." This reverses the placement of the text in relation to its description, but also cuts it into two sentences so that it is more easily digestable.
In the 16th century, a leader must possess the ability to be interchangeable when the occasion demands it, using manipulation as a mechanism to gain support. Both texts deal with the overarching question of whether a leader should accept the means justifying the end. I think this should be, "the ends justifying the means" otherwise this reads as though you are saying that although the ending may be bad, the way it all happened was moral. Which The Prince suggests the opposite of, from my understanding? :) Separate in
time and place, both composers value a nation of stability, arising issues of leadership and
succession, demonstrating both similarities and distinctive qualities regarding the implication of
personal morality in political decisions. You've done an excellent job of directly answering the question over and over. It is so rare that students truly do this because they get excited about the texts and their knowledge of that, and forget to tailor it to the question.
Personal morality in politics only leads to self-destruction To me, you are talking about the literal death of the person by saying self-destruction. Is this what you intend, or do you mean them and their empire/intentions/government can also be destructed? It is a small word choice thing but I want you to be aware :), therefore there should be a distinction
between how a leader wants to act and how he should act. Machiavelli suggests that for a leader
to gain and maintain power he has to make decisions that negate his morality as to avoid moving
“towards self-destruction rather than self-preservation.” This contradiction reflects Machiavelli’s
contention in that he is emphasising why Florence is crumbling. Shakespeare presents the
character of Brutus as one who deviates from what Machiavelli, as he is portrayed as honorable,
yet naive, about the political treachery surrounding him. In his soliloquy, he is convincing himself
that Caesar’s death is necessary because “he would be crowned. How that might change his
nature.” Shakespeare uses Brutus’s implausible reasoning, with his wavering ethics as the
catalysts to which Brutus embarks on a road to self destruction. Machiavelli insists that there can
be no moral considerations when it comes to politics as “anyone who declines to behave as people
do, in order to behave as they should, is schooling himself for catastrophe.” Machiavelli’s political
realism in the early turmoil of 16th century Europe, shed light on the corrupt nature of humans and
their desires for power. Conjunctively, Shakespeare successfully demonstrated that a nation in
such state holds no room for honourable men as Cassius exploits Brutus’s honour as a weakness
for “who so firm that cannot be seduced?”. This rhetorical questions reiterates Cassius’s
machiavellian intent which will gradually dismantle Brutus’s character as Shakespeare emphasises
the state of political turmoil in Rome as a power struggled emerged due to England being without
an heir. Power demands the negation of morality in order for a leader not to succumb to self
destruction. Again, this has really dealt with the words of the question beautifully. Your integrated is great, and you've also followed through with the self-destruction part of this paragraph really well, it is very unique.
A leader must seperate their ethics from their actions, resulting in a persona that possess the
ability to be interchangeable when the occasion demands it. I'm just so ridiculously impressed by this. You've really embodied everything that The Prince suggests, but is also evident in Shakespeare's texts, and you've let it give your paragraph direction. Although, I'm wondering, if you could add "personal morality" or a variation to the sentence? Potentially swap "ethics" for "personal morals?" I know it doesn't have the same meaning on a technical level, but it is something to consider so that you can show the marker that you are really dealing with the question in every spot. The prince has been regarded as the
‘work of the Devil’ Where is this quote from? Is it from the text or is this from an outside source? If it is from an outside source it needs to be referenced. Otherwise, carry on :)as Machiavelli exposes the idea that in order to sustain power one must “be a
fox in order to recognise traps, and a lion to frighten off wolves.”You could identify a technique here to strengthen this. Where there is a description involving an animal, there is a technique ;) This will strengthen your analysis. Caesar recognised the danger of Cassius, and arguably, if he had been a ‘lion’ as Machiavelli suggests, he would have been able to
cease Cassius’s intent before they spiralled. Cassius represents the Roman republic which was
fighting against the threat of the tyranny of monarchial rulers - with comparison to the Prince, it
could be concluded that Caesar was not of ‘machiavellian nature’ nor a tyrant. Machiavelli
conflicted with the Catholic Church’s ethical teachings in that as long as “a leader does what it
takes to win power and keep it, his methods will always be reckoned honourable and widely
praised” as the people are only concerned with the end result. For a long time now, there has been no deep textual analysis, only talking about the text on a macro level. You can do this, but you need to them zoom in on a specific example from the text to give it strength.The obliteration of ethics when the
occasion demands it fits Antony’s portrayal throughout Julius Caesar is ?? as?? maybe? The sentence doesn't quite make sense. one of admiration in his
ease of making rational political decisions. The composition of a proscription list immediately after
his persuasion of the people, Machiavelli would approve of, as a measure to ensure their smooth
advance into power and ensuring their position by removing any opponents. Antony in this, is
presented an astute leader as to win power he agrees that “[his sisters son] shall not live”. One
must be able to adapt when it is necessary.
A leader who is able to use manipulation as a mechanism to hid their true intent will achieve results
. Manipulation requires going against what the right thing (This is subjective. Try, ethical or moral. would be in order to benefit oneself and
Machiavelli says that a leader has to “know to to disguise [their] slyness, how to pretend one thing
and cover up another”. Shakespeare successfully portrays this through Cassius who manipulates
Brutus’s to partake in the conspiracy as a figure-head that will cover his evil intents with that of
honourable reasoning and change “what would appear offence in us..will change to virtue and to
worthiness”. Through Cassius’s sinister approach Shakespeare is demonstrating the profusion of
ambition which drives elite men to strive for power at any cost. Machiavelli would agree with this
because a leader doesn't have to be “compassionate, loyal, humane, honest and religious,” as
long as he “seem to possess them.” This ostentatious list is in regard to the shifting allegiances
and betrayal surrounding the roman empire and Machiavelli suggests that to maintain power
amongst the fickle, a facade is essential as a mechanism of manipulation. In accord to this,
Shakespeare uses Antony as an epitome the Elizabethan ideal of being patriotic and able to make
effective political decisions. Antony’s calculated revelation of Caesar’s generosity finally drives the
crowd into a destructive frenzy. They leave, intent on revenge, and Antony’s calculated intention
becomes clear as he addresses the empty stage: “Now let it work. Mischief, thou art afoot, Take
thou what course thou wilt!,” addressing the power of rhetoric and the successive portrayal of
virtue. Manipulation is necessary to advances ones position.
In order to sustain power, a leader must accept that the end justifies the means.(Yeah, this is how the quote is supposed to be hehe) Due to human
nature, arguabley, it is acceptable to take measures to control ambition to prevent tyranny.
Machiavelli emphasises that it’s important to “foresee and forestall future problems” and uses the
analogy of tuberculosis to relate to conspiracy in that “as time goes by it gets easy to diagnose and
hard to cure.” This is successfully demonstrated when Caesar recognises that “Cassius has a lean
and hungry look…such men are dangerous” but doesn’t do anything about it. Arguably, if he had
made the decisions necessary to ensure his safety, his rein would not have been challenged. In
order to maintain power Machiavelli says that a complete disregard for moral standards is required
which segregated his work from all that had gone before it as “the end is all that counts”.
Shakespeare uses Brutus as the main point of contention with the ‘Machiavellian’ idealism and the
use of personal morality. During a period of war, when one should supposedly nullify morality,
Brutus asks cassius, “did not great Julius bleed for justice’ sake?”. Shakespeare uses this rhetoric
question to connect with his audience and propose the spiralling threat of a non-ethical world.
Whilst Brutus questions morality in theMachiavellian view that the end justifies the means, it is
clear that a leader will have to go against his moral if he is to succeed in the political world.

The use of personal morality supply’s supplies one with the ability to both achieve and fail.  Machiavelli’s
political treatise, The Prince, and Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar, despite being seperate in time and place,
clearly enhance the portrayal of moral standards in regards to how a leader should act and the
threats necessary to gain and maintain power. Acting as a ‘how to’ instructional, directional, directing...these sound better to me than "how to"guide and demonstrative
handbook, both composers successfully demonstrate the role of people in a nations stability.


Conclusion - Awesome. A few tweaks to be made in terms of sentence structure but this is seen throughout and I've commented on it a few times.

Your inclusion of the essay question throughout, even with a nice original take for each paragraph, is also awesome.

What lacks is your technical analysis. You can talk about the relationship between the two on a macro level but not necessarily as well on a deep, micro level. It would be awesome for you to espouse the structure of: quote, technique, analysis at least every second quote. It is okay to have a quote that supports your general argument without being specifically analysed, but you want to be as deep as possible in your analysis in order to ensure that you are showing the marker that you understand each text specifically, but also as a combination.

Again, I'm very sorry that your essay was lost in the pile and I really appreciate you coming back to let me know it was missed. :)
Title: Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 24, 2016, 10:43:25 am