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Author Topic: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)  (Read 600392 times)

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jamesqwertyu

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1005 on: May 25, 2017, 05:52:41 pm »
Hi could i please get my module c essay marked. Im not sure if I have addressed representations enough or not. Thanks heaps

‘It is not necessary at home that we encounter our true selves’. To what extent is this view represented in The Art of Travel and one other related text?

The relationship between people and landscapes are symbiotic, and some individuals are dependent on travelling to new landscapes in order to progress and reach their true potential, although not all. Alain De Botton explores this concept in his multi-modal travel memoir The Art of Travel which represents different views on how changing landscapes affect an individual’s identity. De Botton shows that some individuals have a greater sense of self when they travel away from home. However, De Botton also concludes with the experience of Xavier de Maistre, who ‘travels’ and encounters his true self even in his own room. Tim Winton’s short story Big World also highlights the interdependent relationship between people and their landscapes. Big World also explores individuals have different responses to travel. While a trip away from their small country town exposes the problem in the narrator and Biggie’s relationship, Biggie shows no ability or interest in changing his ‘small town’ self, whereas the narrator is liberated by leaving a small coastal town.

By leaving our ordinary lives and escaping our habits of mind we can connect with the new and unfamiliar landscape, and reflect on the human condition. In De Botton’s section on Travelling Places he explores how we romanticise foreign landscapes as a mean of escaping the banal and every day in our real, “home” landscapes. De Botton’s description of home “It is not necessarily at home that we best encounter our true selves. The furniture insists that we cannot change because it does not; the domestic setting keeps us tethered to the person we are in ordinary life, but may not be who we essentially are” reveals that home is not where we encounter our true selves. The use of the intertextual quote from
Charles Baudelaire “the destination was not really the point. The true desire was to get away, to go,… Anywhere! Anywhere!”. The tone of desperation in the repeated “Anywhere” suggests that our travels do not have to be far and spectacular, but even as small of a change as staying in a hotel room can break our banal habits. De Botton uses personal pronouns to show a universality to the idea that “Hotel rooms offer a similar opportunity to escape our habits of mind.” It is by leaving home and experiencing a new and unfamiliar environment that our true potential can be reached.

Likewise Tim Winton’s short story, “Big World”, also examines how a change of landscape can force an individual to confront more of who they really are, in leaving home. The narrator in “Big World” lives in the small town of Angelus on the cold southern coast of Western Australia, but “dreams of escaping, of pissing off north to find some blue sky”. In the story, this blue sky of northern Western Australia symbolically represents the narrator’s desire to escape, and to experience more of life than Angelus can offer him. “Big World” follows the narrator as he and his friend, Biggie escape in a VW Kombi and take a short trip north: “The longer we drive the more the sky and the bush open up” writers the narrator, who in a series of flashbacks reveals how restricted his school life has been and how dependent he has been on Biggie for protection. However, it is ironic that in leaving town the narrator comes to realises more of who he is and the cracks in his relationship with his best friend Biggie, who is travelling North with him. Ironically “Biggie” is a small town character who “is content, he belongs” in Angelus. Biggie has no big dreams or desire to travel and the relationship is a pragmatic one which in the end disintegrates. In leaving home Biggie and the narrator have nothing to connect them and the narrator is forced to confront the truth about himself and his relationships.

Landscapes, particularly those we travel to away from home, can shape our sense of identity and ultimately our progression within life by inspiring awe. This is particularly evident in The Art of Travel’s investigation of the sublime experience. De Botton’s chapter on the Sublime, concentrates on how the desert experience influences the reader to consider the idea of transcendence and therefore to reconsider their sense of self. De Botton uses Edmund Burkes quote, “Sublime landscapes teach us a lesson…the Universe is mightier than we are” to use intertextual perspective to allude to the historical and religious context of the desert and to show how a landscape like the desert can affect our sense of self. The historical and literary context, provided by the book of Job, contrasts the contemporary experience of modern day individuals who are used to feeling in control. Also De Botton’s personal anecdotes of the Sinai desert discusses the satisfaction of “feeling small and its importance in finding ones true self. The chapter presents a number of artistic forms, from paintings of the Alps, to photographs of the Sinai desert to symbolically explore the feeling of the sublime. By the landscape making us feel small and insignificant “we are not crushed, but inspired by what lies upon us” de Botton uses personal pronouns to show how humanity can find a sense of meaning and a place in the world, even if it is in feeling small. Therefore it is true to say that it is only by leaving our comfortable and repetitive everyday life, ‘home’ that we are truly subject to the meaning of life and we progress in finding our true selves.

“Big World” also explores how leaving home can create a sense of awe in an individual. Although “Big World” shows the disintegration of a relationship that cannot be sustained once the characters have left home, they are united for the final time by the landscape as they both discover a sense of what De Botton explores as awe, again in a desert scene. When the VW breaks down in the desert, “In the hot northern dusk, the world suddenly gets big around us, so big we just give in and watch”. The repetition of the word ‘big’ emphasises the affect that vast landscapes can have on the human psyche. For a moment Biggie and the narrator are united by their smallness, although this is not to last. Winton fast forwards their relationship in a listing device that shows they have no future together, “in two hours … In a week .. In a year Biggie will be dead.. I’ll grow up”. However, for one fleeting moment ‘We turn our attention to the sunset … We don’t say anything” as the personal pronoun “we” unites Biggie and the narrator in one final moment. Yet, ultimately apart from this moment Biggie remains essentially unchanged by a change in landscape.

However in The Art of Travel, De Botton also considers how it is not so much leaving home, but the attitude of an individual’s mind that has an affect on self. In his last chapter he considers the findings of De Maistre who’s “pioneering journey” occurs in an unexpected landscape—his room. “De Maistre’s work springs from a profound and suggestive insight: that the pleasure we derive from journey’s is perhaps dependent more on the mindset with which we travel, than on the destination”. This is true of Biggie’s experiences in “Big World”.
Despite his one experience of awe and transcendence in the desert, ultimately Biggie has no desire to explore himself. “Biggie’s name is ironic. He is a small character with no real inner life, who will not change.

In conclusion it is true that it is not necessarily at home that we encounter our true selves. A change in landscape through travel opens individuals to reconsider their worlds and themselves. However, ultimately this is affected by one’s attitude. There are diverse responses to landscape and identity may or may not be changed by a change in place. A change to a person’s identity depends on how open they are to different places, and also how unhappy they are at home, or in themselves.




























ellipse

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1006 on: May 25, 2017, 08:54:18 pm »
Hi! I have an assessment task coming up next week and it would be greatly appreciated if you guys could take a look at my essay for Mod B.

Thank you very very much!!
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jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1007 on: May 25, 2017, 09:16:27 pm »
Hi could i please get my module c essay marked. Im not sure if I have addressed representations enough or not. Thanks heaps

Hey James! Welcome to the forums!

Thanks for posting your essay - We require users to have 15 posts on the ATAR Notes Forums for each essay they'd like marked, just so our markers are able to keep up. If you hang around the site a bit I bet you'll get those up really quick by asking a few questions! :)

1937jk

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1008 on: May 25, 2017, 10:35:43 pm »
Hey there!
So this is my essay for Module B and for the novel Cloudstreet by Tim Winton, I was wondering if I could receive some feedback on a draft I have written, anything would be absolutely appreciated because your help is seriously the most beneficial thing ever!
Thank you in advance :D

elysepopplewell

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1009 on: May 26, 2017, 02:13:45 am »
Thats totally understandable!

I just shared a heap of resources on other forums to assist others.

Would you be able to take a look now?!

Thank you so much!!

Thanks for doing all that! I've put the feedback in bold font in the spoiler below :)
Spoiler
Citizen Kane remains one of the best ]films of all time because Welles deliberately challenges his audience throughout. To what extent does this perspective align with your personal understanding of the film? I can't believe you've been given a question with "the best" in it..it is so subjective! But it does make for a good argument point. I think the question isn't reflective of a HSC question because it hasn't really given you anything to hang on to, so you have complete freedom in deciding on themes to explore.

Orson Welles dares the audience to question their understanding of humanity’s values and sense of self through the 1941 revolutionary film ‘Citizen Kane’. Standing as an extended metaphor this cinematic masterpiece sensualises the ideology of love based strictly around the philosophies of powers corrupting nature, betrayal of moralities and the lasting impact of besmirched naivety. Consequently, the relatable thematic concerns corresponding with a multiplicity of perceptions challenges the onlooker to derive their own significance and meaning to comprehend the mysterious and provocative characterisation and plot line. Thus, the utilisation of figurative techniques and symbolism aids considerably within the newsreel’s presentation of the overarching themes that ultimately anchor the textual veracity within this progressive, ground breaking piece of cinematography.  The thing that is missing from this introduction is the mention of the response of the audience. This is both significant for Module B and also because it is specifically requested in your essay question.

Welles communicates the social concerns of accession to power and overwhelming wealth throughout Kane. Accordingly, the audience is prompted to revaluate their moral obligations and allegorically deduce new found personalised interpretations, that correlate to their respective zeitgeists. Kane’s success in procuring the American Dream is emblematical in illustrating the United States exiting of a period of Great Depression to new found economic prosperity and fortune. The newsreel romanticised the ideology of public knowledge and acquired findings within private areas of politics, and societal hierarchy rather than acting in form with traditional papers exposition of true, honest stories. Hence, “News on the March” accompanied by a loud, upbeat narrative voice instigated fascination and interest for “Lifestyle of the Rich and Famous” for the society of this still grim context. Furthermore, the discussion of a mythological concept, being the American Dream, is consistently highlighted as a depurative and unrealistic notion. Watchers are faced to assume and dictate individual interpretations when Kane sees his demise due to an unruly lust for wealth and authority. Ultimately, success and power smother him, in his holistic pursuit of happiness which is crushed by this illusive, disparaging dream, which is simply that – a dream. Well written.
 
Consequently, Welles applies leitmotifs and contextually contemporary issues of consumerism and materialism to allow onlookers to rethink their avaricious attitudes and covetous blindness. Steadily throughout the piece we see Kane illustrated in a somewhat god alike light whereby low angle shots and deep focus scenes showcase him in a dominant, often higher stance then other characters. Aiding this analogy is Leland’s decree “he was disappointed in the world so he built his own, an absolute monarchy” connecting to this belief is Kane’s political campaign speech scene where he is framed in a medium, low angle shot before a gigantic poster of himself, subsequently stressing his prominence and control. Moreover, Kane’s last word “Rosebud” acts as a recurrent motif whereby the viewer comes to fully understand how the obsessive nature of humankind today can ultimately destroy us. Developed to embody a synecdoche for the bliss of infanthood and metaphorical coldness of a soul starved of love the audience now pictures Kane as a broken man, faulting to realise that financial opulence does not equal to a fulfilled, joyful livelihood. Critic Roger Ebert assents, “Rosebud is the emblem of the security, hope and innocence of childhood, which a man can spend his life seeking to regain” (1998). Supporting this view is a panning shot across Kane’s surplus of belongings in the vast expanse that was his home. This is symbolised through a visual metaphor of Rosebud burning which develops the impression that whilst materialistic items provide a sense of happiness the instability of prior relationships, along with an isolated and alienated lifestyle are unsustainable and eventually result in downfall. Consequently, through the ideological notion of power’s cyclical and destructive nature the audience is confronted with relatable affairs and interpretable content amidst Kane to derive their own ideas and meanings from the film. Thus, reiterating why Citizen Kane’s thought provoking viewpoints dictate it as the Holy Grail of cinematography. I think you write very clearly - each sentence is engineered to express a point and that's conveyed with clarity. However, I think this paragraph structure needs work. As I read each sentence in isolation, it all makes sense. As soon as I put the whole thing together and read the paragraph, I'm lost. At the beginning we are talking about wealth, then we move to being starved of love, then materialism, and then power. When I read your first sentence I thought this would all make sense, but it's actually quite convoluted,
 which is a shame because the individual sentences are great! This is also a really long paragraph. I can't say "the best essays have # paragraphs" because there are so many different structures. But the mixture of ideas here, as mixed with the length of this, makes for a confusing chunk of the work.


The meaning of love and relationships is combatted consistently throughout Citizen Kane, often provoking the viewer to reflect on the significance of interpersonal connections. Wonderful sentence - really direct, addresses the question, gives me clarity for what to expect.The zeitgeists influence of wealth and consumeristic drive was exhibited through Kane’s building of Xanadu for second wife Susan. Interestingly, this corresponds with William Randolph Hearst’s prestigious 1919 San Simeon property. Hence, the audience is prompted here to grapple with the idea of love, as Welles satirizes satirises* watch for American spelling :)the conceptual idea of a true, transcendental relationships when wealth is instituted into the equation.  Through the mis-en-scene of Charle’s naïve years, his relationship with the mother is exemplified by the ultra-realism evoked by deep focus shots. Here we see Kane illustrated through a window frame in the background of a deep focus scene frolicking in the snow. This conjures the inkling that his life is uncontrollable and set on a direct past, fundamentally foreshadowing his eventual downfall. Psychoanalyst Laura Mulvey proposes that his personal demise, and inability to maintain close associations with forthcoming wives and intimate persons was a direct result of Freudian “pre-oedipal love” and childhood trauma sparked from an absence of maternal love. Welles emotively presents this thematic area to the audience in a domineering light to allow onlookers to grasp the understanding that parental bonds shape their young’s identity. With the utilisation of somewhat depressive and confronting non-diegetic sound, along with the repetition of Mr’s Kane’s melodic theme when Susan parades her motherly traits, we can interpret this as Charle’s longing for love in its most natural form. Nonetheless, due to his upbringing in a world where money supposedly could create happiness, which was a common occurrence in the prospering economy of the post-depression 1940’s, he reciprocated this attitude onto Susan Alexander. Ironically, Kane showers Susan with luxurious gifts and objects only to find that he isolates himself from their bond due to his blindness of giving her the life of “what she never wanted”. Therefore, we as the audience come occasion to witness how lack of love in childhood fogs the ability to genuinely cultivate a love. Yet again Welles portrays a highly relatable idea for both contemporary and past societies through the fragmentation of marriage. Specifically, the long shot illustrating Susan solving puzzles in the cavernous mansion not only acts as an allusion to her own broken identity but rather echoes the idea of Kane and Alexander’s emotional detachment and dead connection. The shadow pictured on Charle’s face accompanied by chiaroscuro lighting are symbolic of his false identity, incomprehension of himself and who he really is. As suggested by Bossley Crowther (1941) “For what shall a man profit if he shall gain the world and lose his soul?”. This reinforces how the audience is challenged throughout the plot good link back to audience to envisage natural love, opposed to a detrimental, materialistic, and emotionless based connection. Subsequently, through Kane’s failure to attain a stable, durable relationship, Welles highlights to the viewers the calamitous effects of failing to satisfy innate human desires in a quest to connect on a deep, intimate level with others.

Conclusively, Orson Welles’ Citizen Kane tackles the impact troubled naivety implores on true love and relationships, as well as how ascent to power and pursuit of all things wealth oriented enact demise and downfall. This breakthrough in cinematography instituted anchoring thematic ideologies, which were aided by insightful characterisations and film techniques that allowed and provoked audiences of each and every decade since to find personalised and greater messages of individual concerns and humanities greater troubles. Surmising this film holistically Nikhil Letha-Soman’s analogy, described Kane’s achievements succinctly- “This movie is truly great as it manages to rise above its plot and characters, and to achieve something more universal; something that we could/can relate to and connect with our own lives.” 

Wow! This was really hard to give feedback for. Your writing style is very succinct. You write sentences in a way that is clear, and it looks like the sentences come really naturally to you. I flow through this feeling like these carefully engineered words are just rolling off your tongue, it was very easy to read. Each sentence links the techniques well. However, I get lost in the paragraph structure. You have two very large body paragraphs. I wonder if it would be better to divide these into four smaller paragraphs that follow similar ideas but perhaps along different veins. Or, is the better idea to cut some of the existing ideas out, and make a third paragraph (of a smaller size) with a new theme? I will also say, your essay question is very difficult and in my opinion, not really representative of what a HSC question would look like if we follow past trends. The use of the word "best" is odd, it just doesn't seem very academic, nor does it give you scope. Nonetheless, if you're submitting this as an assessment task, you need to give greater emphasis to "best" so you can prove you are taking on the essay question. Also, HSC questions would be far more likely to give you some kind of "handle" to swing from in your essay, but in this piece, the handle is the "best" and the audience. I think you deal with the audience well, and you've incorporated scholars seamlessly to prove this. But, the treatment of this film as being one of the best films of all time.

So, to summarise:
-Amazing job on sentence writing
-Really clear expression
-You make it look effortless
-The question is odd and difficult to work with
-Paragraph structure needs consideration
-Need to address the question more in terms of it being the best film.

Hopefully this helps! :)
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anotherworld2b

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1010 on: May 26, 2017, 08:10:20 pm »
Hi I was trying to respond to this practice question and was hoping to get some feedback on it?

Q3. Identify three visual conventions used in Text 3 and explain how they construct a representation of family for the context of this magazine.

A peaceful image like the family photo from the magazine ‘Outback: The Heart of Australia’ constructs the image of a typical caucasian Australian family, with structured yet comfortable body language, no doubt preparing for a photo to be taken in the medium camera shot. This text constructs the representation of an Australian caucasian family though the use of visual conventions that include costume, text and body language.

Everything in this image seems to construct the typical representation of a caucasian family in Australia. The family in the image, located in the centre of the magazine serves to draw the viewer’s attention to convey that the magazine’s subject is a Australian family. This text constructs this representation by drawing the viewer’s attention towards the iconic Australian clothing worn by each person in the image, the use of text and lighting in the image. The wide brimmed hat and loose button up worn by the male figure complemented by the female figure’s bright striped button up juxtaposed against the blurry background suggests the family are perhaps standing in location that is hot and humid, an idea supported by the text ‘outback: The Heart of Australia’. Furthermore, the way the female figure comfortably rests her chin on the male figure’s shoulder while holding their children suggests intimacy and conveys the Australian characteristic and quality that the male is quiet but capable and treats women with respect. The combination of these visual conventions used by the magazine constructs the representation of an Australian caucasian family.


elysepopplewell

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1011 on: May 26, 2017, 10:01:54 pm »
Hello,
So this is my first comparative essay for Module A. We are doing Richard III and Looking for Richard. With essays the main problem I seem to have is properly analysing in each question and giving enough information, though I already feel like my paragraphs are too long. If you could please let me know if there is enough analysis and if my information is relevant in regards to the question?
Many thanks and much appreciation to the time you guys put into helping all of us.
Hey scienceislife! Thanks for letting me know what you feel like you have trouble with, I'll be sure to comment on this :) The feedback is in bold font!
Spoiler
“The nature of morality and the pursuit of power are ideas that connect King Richard III and Looking for Richard. How are these ideas shaped and reshaped in these texts from different contexts?”
The pursuit of power is an inherently humane trait ever-present in society, understood more deeply after close analysis of the nature of morality. Brilliant!
 You've blended the two parts of the question together perfectly :)
Texts form a way of understanding both concepts, and how their relevance, produced through linkage with universal themes, remains timeless. Despite significant differences in context, Shakespeare’s King Richard III and Al Pacino’s Looking for Richard discuss the ideas of morality and power which convey meaning to their audiences. The far-reaching effect of power, definition of morality and ambition in regards to religion and determinism are commonalities in both texts and provide a strong platform for the evaluation of our and others’ actions. Stellar introduction. I studied these two texts for Mod A as well and I think you've very clearly got a great grasp!
The concern of the pursuit of power is evident in both texts in relation to their contexts. Assertion and distribution emanates during the texts to discuss the effect which power can have. In King Richard III, Shakespeare characterises Richard as the classical Machiavellian and Vice, demonstrating his ruthless, unforgiving journey to the throne but also acting as a catalyst for social and physical chaos. “Should I be plain? I wish the bastards dead” (A4S2) illustrates how Richard acknowledges his role as the villain with no redeeming features. As audience members, we do not feel empathy because of his horrible, seemingly irrational actions and Shakespeare thereby legitimises the Tudor reign. The far-reaching nature of this power is viewed in the short interlude of Act 2 Scene 3 where a citizen says “Truly, the hearts of men are full of fear” further exemplifying the fright instilled in commoners when power has been misplaced. You're writing really well and you've got a good understanding of the text's purpose. But, we aren't linking with techniques and I think you should. So, there's a rhetorical question in the first quote there, as well as vulgar language. You can talk about the effect of both of these in creating a character that is ruthless. Everything about this section is working, but there's no technique to tie it all down and put the cherry on top, and we need that!
In stark contrast, Pacino’s Looking for Richard reshapes the character of Richard so we feel somewhat empathetic towards this psychologically flawed other. Pacino chooses to omit various scenes such as the discussion between citizens, Richard’s desperation to marry his niece and his persuasion of the mayor to support his cause. This omission disguises Richard’s further manipulation and hence leads the audience to think more deeply about the “villain” of the story. As an alternative to the political system, Pacino explores the individual – ultimately leading up to the Battle of Bosworth where Pacino states “the rest is silence” after Richard has fallen, effectively emphasising his defenceless and utter isolation. Richard’s vulnerability is obvious with the low angle shots, showing his lack of power, great use of technique and the panning shots of how he is surrounded by enemies, nobody present to help him; nobody who loves him. The Shakespearean roles originally placed upon Richard are restructured so the contemporary audience are enraptured with this multi-layered character who has “let the pursuit of power totally corrupt him . . . alienated from his own body and his own self.” Differing contexts have ensured the reshaping of the pursuit of power but similarly emphasise its significant impact on members of society. Nice! Nice and neat. I think the wording needs some help in some spots, which I've pointed out! But you've approached techniques in a far more confident way in this paragraph!

The nature of morality is often assessed on appearance, actions and mannerisms. I don't grasp this sentence completely. The nature of morality is assessed...I don't really understand it. I could gloss over it and understand that you are saying that appearance, actions, and mannerisms have something to do with morality, but I want to pick up on it so we can make it really clear. Do you mean, Morality is assessed on the way one's actions, presentation, and mannerisms appear? Christianity, and beliefs of the divine right of kings and chain of being, dominated the Elizabethan era and ultimately determined the individual’s role in society. Richard is “cheated of feature by dissembling nature, / Deformed, unfinish’d, sent before my time . . . scarce half made up” (A1S1) and hence immediately deemed insignificant in the hierarchy, his form reflecting the evil nature which God has thrust upon him. The audience members, then, are immediately aware that this character is not made for the throne and in the act of usurping he has broken the chain of being, eventually needing to pay the ultimate price. Richard’s primitive nature and lack of human qualities are reinstated through animalistic and knavish descriptions such as “bloody . . . usurping boar”, “foul . . . toad” and “devil”. Great!Through this use of imagery, Shakespeare addresses the contextual shift towards providentialism to humanism and reflects on the irrevocable consequences for human actions. I don't feel like this paragraph responds to the topic sentence that you've got at the start. When we talk about appearance and mannerisms and what not at the beginning, I think the only time I get a strong sense of the appearance is when you discuss the imagery, which is really great. But we need to make sure the topic sentence is providing lots of clarity for what is yet to be explored in the paragraph to come, but at the moment we lose that and the thesis statement at the beginning loses its purpose. I hope this makes sense! Basically, we need clarity in the topic sentence to be explored throughout the paragraph, and at the moment,
 only one section of your opening sentence of the paragraph relates to that.

Looking for Richard’s context is rather dissimilar regarding currently subjugated secularism and a smaller tendency to judge another based on their appearance. The morally relative society is addressed when Pacino questions “What’s this thing that gets between us and Shakespeare?” Consequently, Pacino chooses not to emphasise Richard’s physical deformity but instead uses dark clothing and chiaroscuro lighting to highlight the shadow expanding over his morality, in stark contrast to other characters such as the silenced Anne and Clarence who wear pure white. The costuming choice exemplifies Richard’s malevolence and how are others are ??? innocent victims entangled within his corruptive nature. This assessment of morality connects with the current context, as shown in the vox-pop where an African-American states “If we felt what we said, and say less we’d mean more”, rising further questions of our own actions and the nature of morality. Great link! Exploring these connections between texts allows the audience to gain a deeper understanding of what it is to be human and why it is always necessary to consider our actions and the implications.
The extent to which an individual will travel to gain power is discussed widely in King Richard III. Humans often withhold a fundamental decency with which their actions are based upon, however Richard appears to exceed this limit with his long list of evil deeds, “so far in blood that sin will pluck on sin”. He portrays the accumulation of wrongdoings by using repetition and makes the audience recognise that he is past the point of remorse and return. However, when Tyrell says “With conscience and remorse / They could not speak” and Richard questions “O coward conscience, how dost thou afflict me?” Shakespeare indicates that this emotion cannot be completely convicted from body and soul and every action does have a consequence. The personification, paired with constant characters whom act towards their own personal profit, ensures readers more deeply understand the pursuit of power through the means of basic human emotions which connect us all.
Looking for Richard similarly discusses the inherent lust for power and why many of the characters did not act against Richard’s actions. In Looking for Richard, Pacino looks down on the academics, proving his and Richard’s rejection of authoritative figures, yet a female scholar correctly discusses “the action of the play, the sense of exciting movement is Richard’s finding out the point beyond which people won’t go”. This interconnects with the pursuit of power as well as satisfaction of basic human curiosity which Richard beholds. Pacino chooses to portray the characters in a way which they are all moving towards self-goals and hence play no strong role in Richard’s endeavours. This filming decision has placed further demands on the character of Richard himself, and hence Pacino, to the limit with which their mannerisms, treatment of others and words become a blend of Elizabethan and modern day. This redesign makes the audience more aware of Richard’s movement towards power and is strengthened through linkage to current politics when Vanessa Redgrave states “The truth is that those in power have total contempt for everything they promise, everything they pledge. And that’s what Shakespeare’s great play is about.” The obvious connection between the texts engages the contemporary audience, helping with comprehension of the nature of power.
Exploration of connections between Shakespeare’s King Richard III and Al Pacino’s Looking for Richard rewards the audience with a more refined understanding of the nature of morality and pursuit of power. Both major concepts are shaped and reshaped with consideration of the definition of morality, ambition and extensive nature of power. Similarities and marked differences appeal to the varying contexts, exemplifying Shakespeare’s timeless themes, depth of language and hence the ongoing relevance. Power and morality are connected not only in the texts, but interweave themselves within viewers’ lives and the way they perceive themselves and the world around them. Close analysis of the concepts, then, is integral in the advancement of viewing our multi-layered universe and understanding the inner workings of how a society like ours functions.

I think this essay is really good in a lot of ways. You've managed to incorporate the texts really well with one another. You really engage the two with a good balance - and this is usually something that people struggle with for Module A. But you've actually managed to strike a really good balance between the two which is wonderful. In your first body paragraph there is an issue with engaging with techniques, but the same issue doesn't really persist in the rest of the essay, so it surely won't take long to adjust that. In saying that, we can enhance your analysis. When you talk about the low angle and panning shot in Pacino's text, you make a really good analysis because you're talking about the way techniques compound with one another to create an end result. But otherwise, the techniques are usually talked about in a more isolated way. What you're doing isn't wrong, I'm just suggesting a way to extend your work overall. In a quote/scene, look for at least two techniques and consider if they are both worth talking about, the way they work together. Or, see if one scene and another scene are great for comparative reasons, even within the same text. This is the kind of connected thinking that we praise in the best essays.
Your paragraph structure has room for improvement as well, but fear not, I can identify exactly how I think! It's about your topic sentence and the way that is related to throughout. So obviously you have the essay question to engage with, but then you bring other mini thesis to the table to discuss and dissect as well. So it is no easy task, of course! A perfect example is the paragraph I picked up on with the nature of morality.

Hopefully this makes sense to you! Let me know if I can help any more. If you'd like to send back a paragraph that's been adjusted I can tell you if you're on the right track. All the best!
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mary123987

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1012 on: May 26, 2017, 10:10:32 pm »
Hey guys I was just wondering if someone could explain this question to me in particular the idea of complex interactions
Regards
"Explore the complex interactions between people and politics as represented in your set text  and ONE related text of your own choosing. Ensure that in your exploration you evaluate the relationship between representation and meaning."
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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1013 on: May 27, 2017, 11:31:48 pm »
Hi, I've got a speech for Mod B next week and I was wondering if I could get some feedback? I've also got too many words for a 3 minute speech so any suggestions on what to cut out of the speech would be great! I'm also having a bit of trouble with the critical analysis part - do I have enough in my speech? Thank you! :)

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1014 on: May 28, 2017, 08:32:40 am »
To those who have posted essays: Sorry for the delay! We've just had a surge at a time that's been really busy for Jamon and I. We'll get to these as soon as possible so you won't be left hanging for long. I've set aside some essay marking time for later today!

Hey guys I was just wondering if someone could explain this question to me in particular the idea of complex interactions
Regards
"Explore the complex interactions between people and politics as represented in your set text  and ONE related text of your own choosing. Ensure that in your exploration you evaluate the relationship between representation and meaning."

Hey mary! The complex interactions is for you to define :) Complex interactions are experiences of communications that are interconnected in many ways. Perhaps you could look at the somewhat reciprocal nature of people and politics - and how they give and take to and from one another? Or, more specifically, you could look at classic examples in your text of the way politics shapes people, and people shape politics! It's really open for your interpretation, this one :)

Hey, I have a question regarding my essay on my rubric sheet it says "Select two different texts and analyse a common theme explored in both. Compare and contrast these texts and evaluate which is most effective in communicating the author’s purpose. " the two texts I have are brokeback mountain and lady windermere's fan does have any notes, sample essays or ideas on a common theme between the two texts please help urgently !!!!

I'm sorry I can't find any notes for you for this one, Adammurad. Some themes explored in Brokeback Mountain include identity, repression, sexuality, memories, and masculinity. Are these present in your second text? Could you connect any of these across?
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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1015 on: May 28, 2017, 11:16:02 am »
Ahh I should of posted this here much much much earlier. My english exam is next Tuesday and I've prepared a Yeats essay but it desperately requires some cutting down. If someone here could point out some obvious flaws and where I could cut out (quotes etc) that'd be greatly appreciated. It's not a perfect essay but it's better then going into the exam room with nothing.

Cheers, Wales
Heavy Things :(

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1016 on: May 28, 2017, 04:37:50 pm »
To those who have posted essays: Sorry for the delay! We've just had a surge at a time that's been really busy for Jamon and I. We'll get to these as soon as possible so you won't be left hanging for long. I've set aside some essay marking time for later today!
Hey mary! The complex interactions is for you to define :) Complex interactions are experiences of communications that are interconnected in many ways. Perhaps you could look at the somewhat reciprocal nature of people and politics - and how they give and take to and from one another? Or, more specifically, you could look at classic examples in your text of the way politics shapes people, and people shape politics! It's really open for your interpretation, this one :)

Thankyou so much for your reply means alot
« Last Edit: May 28, 2017, 07:27:41 pm by jamonwindeyer »
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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1017 on: May 29, 2017, 01:36:24 am »
Hi! I have an assessment task coming up next week and it would be greatly appreciated if you guys could take a look at my essay for Mod B.

Thank you very very much!!

Hey! Sorry for the delay, but essay is attached with comments in bold!

Essay With Feedback
“Successful texts are engaging and always demand a response through their exploration of timeless ideas”
Evaluate the truth of this statement through a critical analysis of the language, content and construction of your prescribed text


It is not only the style, structure and language of a text but also its ability to provoke audience discourses through its enduring ideas that makes it a timeless success. Great introduction - Be sure to break your ideas up with commas to make sure the reader interprets them correctly. Virginia Woolf’s polemics A Room of One’s Own and Three Guineas were written prior to the outbreak of the Great War and was influenced by the first wave of feminist movement as well as the modernist society which was dominated by male egoism and fascism. Ditto here - I like what you are saying but I'm having to do all the grouping myself - It takes away from your sophistication. These contextual influences on her work helps portray the disenfranchisement of women and their exclusion from intellectual and creative freedom under the guise of patriarchy as well as the importance of money and financial independence on the lives of women, thereby provoking audience discourses. Not sure if "helps portray" is the right word there - You are saying its represented within, not that it has actually assisted in representing. Just seems a little off. A deeper analysis of Woolf’s sustained critique on these perpetual ideas provides the audience with a meaningful insight into her engaging texts and a heightened appreciation of its textual integrity in elucidating the relevance of its social and historical context. Good intro - The expression of ideas is the biggest weakness - Work on breaking it down more and giving more detail too!

A room of one’s explores the timeless ideas of patriarchy and gender inequality to challenge the reader’s perspective. Of what? Initially as lectures delivered at a female college in 1928, Woolf’s essays on ‘women and fiction’ questions the oppression of women under the patriarchal society and their objectification by men, as reflected when women are portrayed as  “looking-glasses … reflecting the figure of man at twice its natural size,” hence sarcastically and metaphorically emphasizing women’s inferiority and their lower societal class. Excellent. Taking away this ‘mirror’, the “man may die, like a drug fiend deprived of his cocaine,” in which the simile highlights and reinforces the societal expectations of women as ‘looking-glasses’ to give the male gender a sense of superiority, a crucial acquisition of their lives. Excellent style of analysis here - Good job on getting it all into a single sentence. These relevant and engaging ideas on gender inequality certainly instigates responses from the audience, as Rachel Bowlby, a professor at University College London, remarks that “men’s college dining, halfway to heaven; women’s college dining, one star.” I certainly believe this is true, as Woolf elucidates these disparities through the juxtaposition between men’s luxurious luncheon with “sprouts foliated as rosebuds but more succulent” and the women’s “plain gravy soup.” Watch the use of first person - I'm personally against it. Check your teachers preference for now and don't do it in the HSC. The contrast between the long, descriptive language and the short, dull descriptions further endorse this inequality. Be sure your paragraph is concluded definitively - Summarise the argument you have made.

The enduring ideas of patriarchy and gender inequality are further explored in Three Guineas. Through the epistolary form, Woolf maintains a sustained critique on the inferiority and disempowerment of women and the necessity for the subversion of these societal values in order to prevent war. Nice. She elucidates her pacifist views as opposed to the patriarchal and fascist society as emphasised by the fact that “ … to fight has always been the man’s habit, not the women’s,” hence reflecting the instinct of men in their obsession to fight, take charge and seek power as connoted by the  ‘habit.’ Be sure your quotes always have associated techniques. Although women do not have as much option as men preventing this war due the restrictions by the societal values of fascism and patriarchy, even the minute influence of the daughter of educated men are ineffective as highlighted by the anaphora of the ‘very’ in the tricolon “very low in power, very slow in action, and very painful in use.” Watch expression - Be sure your ideas are presented clearly and logically. Hence, through an analysis of both her successful texts and an appreciation of their textual integrity, a deeper understanding on the timeless ideas of patriarchy and gender inequality is achieved as well as it’s ability to provoke responses from the audience through these ideas.A little vague - What ideas of gender inequality are presented? What responses are provoked? Need a little more depth.

Through its engagement with the audience, A Room of One’s Own skilfully explores the relevant ideas of money and the women’s need for financial independent to provoke responses from the audience. A little circular - Through engaging with the audience, it engages with the audience. Not quite a logical argument there? Prior to the Great Depression, Women were entitled to vote in the 1920s which was a great milestone. Don't use emotive terms when referring to historical/contextual influences. However, Woolf highlights that her inheritance seemed “infinitely the more important” than the ability to vote, thus hyperbolically reflecting the significance of money during her time. Not really a hyperbole, but I see where that comes from. She further endorses this idea through the simile “… like a slave” emphasizing the tough conditions and labour required to earn money prior to the inheritance from her Aunt. Good, but don't include the plot detail about the aunt - Keep the focus purely on techniques. This difficulty was like a “rust eating away the bloom of the spring, destroying the tree at its heart,” the analogy further elucidates the sheer amount of struggle and difficult women faced to obtain an income, thus highlighting the importance of money in the society. The juxtaposition between the ‘rust’ and the ‘spring’ reinforces this idea as well as emotionally engaging with the audience as Woolf mirrors the modern society as women still earn 16% lower pay an hour than men in today’s word. Be sure each paragraph has a proper conclusion.

Ideas on the significance of money and finance are perhaps further explored in Three Guineas. Don't say 'perhaps' - High modality is important, be sure of your ideas. The epistolary and rhetoric form further allows Woolf to sustain her argument and engaging with her audience as well as to endorse the significance of money in providing education. The personified allusion of the “voracious receptacle” of “Arthurs Education Fund” highlights the sacrifices women made so that men could acquire an education, thus also accentuating on the significance of money and finance on maintaining and achieving education. Good. The hyperbole “it cast a shadow over the entire landscape” also metaphorically reinforces it’s influence and power which initially grew out of the investment and energy from the women. Krystel Pujanes also complements my personal views on Woolf’s argument as reflected by her sarcastic comment “it also pays for all the other ‘essential parts’ of his education–including travel, leisure, lodging, and society.” This is certainly true as reflected by the anaphora “all the land, all the valuables” when Woolf describes the properties acquired by men through the fund.  Good analysis in this paragraph - What is the impact on the audience? How do we respond? Although this is the case, I believe Woolf still highlights the difficulty of women obtaining income. As above, don't use personal references like "I believe," this is still an academic piece. Their struggle to acquire financial independence is emphasized through the repetition of “incredibly minute,” highlighting that although there has been an increase in women’s income, it is still inadequate. This is comparable to the modern-day statistics. Thus personally, Woolf’s engagement with the audience through her skilful exploration of the ideas on the importance and influential power of money certainly provokes responses, making her texts successful.

In conclusion, via an in-depth analysis of Woolf’s successful polemics A Room of One’s Own and Three Guineas, I strongly believe that her exploration of the enduring and relevant ideas of patriarchy and gender inequality as well as the importance of money strongly engages with the audience, thus instigating a response from them. A bit more beef in the conclusion - Restate how texts rely on techniques and ideas to be succesful, relate back to your text, then give this sentence as final judgement. By itself is a little short.

Good essay ellipse! Some places with really good analysis and excellent ideas, nice links to context. Watch your expression throughout (some places it was great, others you need to slow down a little, add commas, just be a bit more direct). Analysis was fantastic in sections but much weaker in others - This should be clear in the comments, you need to maintain the pattern of giving a technique with a quote then analysing what it achieves for the composer. Pick the places I said worked well and try and emulate your style in those sections :)

Besides that, the comments pretty much cover it! Let me know if I can clarify anything for you ;D

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1018 on: May 29, 2017, 05:45:14 am »
Hi, I've got a speech for Mod B next week and I was wondering if I could get some feedback? I've also got too many words for a 3 minute speech so any suggestions on what to cut out of the speech would be great! I'm also having a bit of trouble with the critical analysis part - do I have enough in my speech? Thank you! :)

Hey there! I studied Yeats so I'm keen to have a look at this :)
Spoiler
Discuss the extent to which Yeats’ poetry provides a response to the anxieties of his context making close reference to TWO poems set for study.
“Poetry makes nothing happen.” Although what Auden says is true to the extent that poetry merely reflects and critiques what happens in the world around us, it can also provoke all aspects of human emotion to challenge a reader’s perspective of the world. Yeats’ intrinsically links his poetry with the political as a way to respond to the events of his Irish history and struggle towards independence and ultimately reflect society’s anxieties of the unknown future in his poetry. I love you starting this speech with a quote from Auden. This is really unique! You've also addressed the question really well.
In examining his elegy Easter 1916, the poem is a response to the 1916 Easter Uprising in which the cost of lives for Ireland’s independence is questioned. The critical tone in the second stanza reflects Yeats’ thought process on questioning as he questions the worth of the rebels’ sacrifice, and is reflective of society’s views at the time of the rebels as fools. Indeed, Yeats’ responds to the rebels’ actions by likening them to a “stone” that “troubles the living stream”, highlighting the dangers of fixity of purpose and emphasising the importance of natural change. The comparison to nature in the third stanza as something that changes “minute by minute” further highlights the beauty that comes with natural change, as contrast to the “stone” which is fixed and not alive. The stanzas all end with the paradoxical line “a terrible beauty is born”, as Yeats contemplates between the bravery and beauty of the individuals’ dedication towards their country’s independence, and the unnecessary loss of lives that occurred as a result. Yeats’ concludes his elegy with a stanza filled with rhetorical questions which challenges questionsI think you need to get rid of questions?  the worth of the rebels’ sacrifice as “was it needless death after all?”, whilst encompassing the universal anxiety of each individual to live a life of worth and to be remembered. Ultimately, the poem places an emphasis on reconciling the antithetical notion of change and stability in order for a society to develop, whilst questioning the nature of the rebels’ sacrifice and its necessity in response to the Easter Uprising.
Yeats’ poem The Second Coming takes an overview of the devastation in a post-WWI Europe and the future of a world characterised by chaos, violence, and the inversion of values. The poem written in blank verse with no rhyme scheme reflects the lack of stability at the time, with the “widening gyre” symbolising the end of life’s cycle which Yeats strongly believed in. It is at the end of this “widening gyre” that Yeats’ reflects society’s anxieties and fears of the chaos that may lay ahead where “the falcon cannot hear the falconer”, suggesting that society has strayed too far from its values to act responsibly. As a result, a “rough beast” that is alluded to as the anti-Christ is woken up, with “a gaze blank and pitiless as the sun” representing the darkness of the future. He ends the stanza with a rhetorical question “slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?” where connotations of Bethlehem as Jesus’ birthplace is subverted into a place where the beast is heading towards. The questioning reflects society’s anxieties of the possibilities of the future in an already chaotic world, and whether it will ultimately go to the point of this apocalyptic vision of where the “terrible beauty is born.” Thus, The Second Coming is a response to the chaos in the world and the feelings of fear towards the future in a post-WWI world plagued by death and destruction.
Although his poetry may not provoke a response from outside the individual, Yeats’ poetry is something that can resonate within an individual to exert his own beliefs and perspectives of the world. Ultimately, Yeats’ poetry comments and critiques on the events of his context and expresses the universality of society’s anxieties of the future and an individual’s legacy in a seemingly bleak world.


I think your analysis for this is actually spectacular - you've really engaged with the question but also brought your own discussion to the table as well! Really impressive! In a Module B response, we need to talk about the personal response someone has to a text. It doesn't specifically ask this of you in your speech question, but presumably your teacher expects you to follow this through in order to excel within the Module B guidelines. I think your use of the quote at the beginning is spectacular, but I urge you to consider the way audiences that are contemporary to Yeats, and audiences now, can have a response prompted by reading the poetry. What aspect of society is reflected for them? Whichever parts you cannot connect with this in your speech, will be what you can cut from your analysis to cut down on words! I think you've really packed a lot in a very short time, I was pleasantly impressed, because 3 minutes is very limiting!

You should be very pleased with this, but do consider connecting it to the responses of audiences a bit more, to extend on the way you've perfectly talked about Yeats' own society!
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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1019 on: May 29, 2017, 07:49:12 am »


Ahh I should of posted this here much much much earlier. My english exam is next Tuesday and I've prepared a Yeats essay but it desperately requires some cutting down. If someone here could point out some obvious flaws and where I could cut out (quotes etc) that'd be greatly appreciated. It's not a perfect essay but it's better then going into the exam room with nothing.

Cheers, Wales

Hey Wales! At just short of 1200 words, this is quite a nice but meaty length. I'll see if I can find any areas that need trimming!

Spoiler
Tension between an individual and life experiences is what creates interest in the poetry of William Butler Yeats. To what extent does this statement reflect your response to Easter 1916 and TWO other Yeats poems set for study.

The human experience fundamentally personifies one’s process of decision making when a tension between values is present. As a result the human psyche adherently innovates profound philosophical theories to combat them. I don't think this is an independent sentence as it stands. You'd need "As a result OF...." for it to make perfect grammatical sense, I think. I could be wrong on this, a fair warning, but it just doesn't read right to me.“Mr Yeats brought a new music upon the harp” Michael Faherty I would try and embed this because currently it sounds jarring. I know you've explained the significance of it, but even saying, "as Michael Faherty noted..." But also, who is Michael Faherty? Great quote but we need a little more info to fully appreciate itthrough his critique of Yeats promotes that he was of a new breed of poets, a breed renown for the ability to deeply explore the connection between life's experiences from a modernist perspective while maintaining the structural integrity of romantic poetry. Easter 1916’s eulogistic structure gives the audience an insight into both the martyrized nature of Yeats’ relationships and the overwhelming potency behind political motivation while ‘An Irish Airman Foresees His Death’ contrasts political motive with notions free will and patriotism. Conversely ‘When You Are Old’ demonstrates Yeats transitions between romanticism and modernism and delves into the unrequited nature of love and the connection between one’s emotions and their actions. Yeats poetry is regarded by renowned scholars as eye opening and refreshing due to its his shifting poetic form combined with his authorial desire to express his life experiences in order to highlight his intellectual transformation as he strives to evoke similar emotions within the audience.   This is quite a long introduction - it's possible you could trim this. I think you can do an introduction well in four sentences, although I usually feel most comfortable with five. Address the question, introduce your thesis with the texts - done. Obviously take your own style and spin on this, but these are the essential elements of the intro. And your "thesis" should address the requirements of Module B, of course, by talking about responses of an audience (which you have done!)

William B. Yeats wrote the majority of his poems during a turbulent and revolutionary time with the pure intention to provoke human emotions and emphatically question the meaning of life and the afterlife.  An Irish Airman Foresees His Death poses a persistent theme of patriotism and rejection of communal values by focusing on the human experience. Yeats capitalises on the religious symbolism of “Kiltartan Cross” which incorporates the pilots loyalty to his hometown with his Gaelic beliefs. Conversely, the pilots innocence toward propaganda and lacking sense of duty is promoted through the anaphora “Nor law, nor duty bade me fight” subverting the conforming political opinions of society and demonstrates the pilots integrity to hold to his personal beliefs. The presumption of fate for the pilot is established in the foreshadowing opening “I know I shall meet my fate somewhere among the clouds above” denotes a complete disregard for the preservation of life but rather to enjoy it as expressed through the chiasmus “the years seemed to come waste of breath, a waste of breath the years behind”. This elucidates to how the past and future pales in comparison to flying and ultimately furthering his desire to embrace the human experience and alludes to the inevitability of death. In the context of the Irish revolution society had conformed to one political side allowing their emotions to determine their beliefs rather than their desires however the Yeats’ intricate descriptions of the airman who prioritised human experience over longevity and the reputation one obtains after death.  This is a great poem for the discussion of tension, in my opinion. I chose tension as my own thesis when I studied Yeats. I think you've done really well here to engage with the essay question!

Yeats helps maybe aids? just to bring the formality up a bit. the reader conceive the notions of unrequited love with his poetry through his wide array of literary techniques which inherently conjures an heightened sense of emotional response and interest in the reader. Interesting, a bit wordy, but I think it works. This could probably be simplified.When You Are Old is full of idiosyncratic details that establish coherent relationships between the human experience and the tension that exists between one's philosophies about love and its consequential actions. The poem begins with a stark contrast in tone with the use of the euphemistic imagery “ Old and grey and full of sleep” demonstrates his unique writing style as one that blends with both Modernism and Romanticism. You can talk about this tension between poetic movements! At the moment it doesn't add much to your analysis, it only identifies you understand poetic movements without explaining the significance.The individual Yeats describes is likely Maud Gonne whom was his muse and the recipient of the unrequited love. By creating the dream-like atmosphere of the poem in the opening through his soft “ABBA” rhyme scheme it allows one to become indulged into his poetry rather than a spectator. The romantic dream-like tone is sustained throughout the poem and carries a heavy implication of reminiscence as he continues to describe Maud with the metaphor “ loved the pilgrim soul in you” solidifying his unconditional love for Maud and provides the reader with a intricate insight into his personal life with a passionate intensity, and does so effectively by structuring the poem into 3 perfect quatrains emphasising the wholeness and fulfillment he experienced whilst in the presence of Maud. Yeats juxtaposes this notion of fullness with “ face amid a crowd of stars” signifying the unreciprocated sense of love and distance between Yeats and Maud. The dichotomy of emotional experiences and modernist perspective places the reader in Yeats’ position of disparity and conflict between his desires and actions. I think you could use the word "tension" more in this paragraph - you are implicitly discussing these relationships but it could be engaged with further.

The Easter 1916 rebellion revitalised democratic traditions of Ireland giving the reader a historical insight into the roots from which Irish independence was derived from, conjuring notions of personal interest. Nice! During the rebellion Yeats was exposed to the true hardships of conflict and underwent profound intellectual and emotional transformations throughout the poem. Easter 1916’s eulogistic form is most present in the final stanza “ MacDonagh and Macbride And Connolly and Pearse” which directly pays tribute to those who held a role in the rebellion. Yeats implies the sacrifice of the leaders through the classical romantic dichotomy “ Through summer and winter seem” and juxtaposes it with the natural metaphor “Enchanted to a stone” implying that those who participated will have their legacy embedded into the history of Ireland. The development of the human psyche is fascinating phenomenon that Yeats critically analyzes analyses* in his poetry, constantly questioning the mutability of human nature through the contrasting poetic forms evident in the sudden shift of themes to romanticism and nature in Stanza 3 “The rider, the birds that range from cloud to tumbling cloud” where the symbolic image of the bird conjures a notion of freedom but then reverts back to a reminiscent tone in the final stanza through his use of first person “I write it out in verse”. [/u Really long sentence! Can be trimmed!]The contrasting perspective truly distinguishes Yeats from other poets of his time due to the static nature of poetic development at the time “bringing a new music upon the harp” as Faherty stated. As Yeats was conditioned to increasing conflict he began to develop an understanding for what Edmund Wilson described as “the intrinsic value of the individual”. Yeats demonstrates his understanding of modernist philosophy through his gradual acceptance of John Macbride whom he held great hatred to previously observed through his use of conflicting language “Yet I number him in the song” with the notion of acceptance accentuated through the refrain “ Transformed utterly: A terrible beauty is born”, the multiple appearances of the phrase signify Yeats’ newfound understanding of the mutability of human nature as a result of witnessing the acts of martyrdom in the uprising which shapes his understanding of morality and the intrinsic value of human life. Yeats concludes the poem with another refrain denoting his personal transformation and coming acceptance of those who have changed Ireland, he accepts that their sacrifice was one worthy of their deaths. This is your longest paragraph, surely, which makes sense because it does come with one of the more complicated poems. But I think if you want to be critical of any paragraph, it's this one, simply because it makes sense to cut from the longest. You do have two scholarly quotes in here, perhaps relocate or cull one!

Yeats’ idiosyncratic portrayal of his relationships, surroundings and tenacious connection between his emotions and life experiences reveal to the audience the true mutability of the human psyche. Yeats’ unique poetic style of dancing between modernism and romanticism truly solidifies him not just a revolutionary poet but historian.   

You've got this down pat, you're definitely on the right track. Your understanding of the texts is clear, but there are times where the point is lost in long sentences or simply just repeating. I've pointed this out though, and fortunately it doesn't happen often. You've got a great essay here - but hopefully this helps you know where to cull! Good luck!
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