Post by: PhoenixxFire on February 07, 2019, 07:17:37 pm
I actually recorded this this morning, but then I got distracted, ran out of time, and had to go to class. Sorry about my dodgy video editing skillz
Things I've done since then:
- MATH :'( (chemistry math, but still)
- Handed in my paperwork + got a key for the window ;D
- Went shopping! (somewhat)
- I got a fitted sheet, coathangers, pillow, and the wrong sized pillow case :-[
I couldn't carry anything else, I was going to make 2 trips (shop is 5-10min away by bike) but they closed at 6 :o
Still haven't met anyone on my floor, although someone doing the bridging course with me is a couple of floors below me. Also haven't been shopping properly or put food in our fridges or cupboards :-\
At least I have coathangers so I can put some of the stuff all over the floor away!
I'm really enjoying being out of home so far - having said that, obviously still early days. I've got to get a job, which is going to be somewhat hard - particularly given I don't know my uni timetable yet and I'll be out all day every day next week, fairly busy over the following weekend, and O-week is the week after that. I'm going to lose all my savings real fast if I don't get myself organised though.
Post by: hums_student on February 09, 2019, 09:33:00 am
Post by: strawberries on February 09, 2019, 01:10:52 pm
also goodluck x
Post by: smamsmo22 on February 09, 2019, 11:28:23 pm
A few questions, just because I'm curious :P
How are you finding Canberra life? I visited last year and found it a little too spread out and quiet for my liking, but this is coming from someone who has lived in somewhat inner Melbourne all their life!!
How does your accomodation work? Clearly you're in residence with other students, but do you cook or is it catered/provided? Are there dining halls, shared cooking spaces, etc? Are you staying in your own apartment/room? I hope you're liking the accomodation!!
What are you most excited for in regards to your studies/course? :)
Post by: PhoenixxFire on February 10, 2019, 01:34:29 pm
Glad to see you're setting in! I'm excited to read your entries this year :)I love it! I've lived in inner Melbourne all my life too - it's actually one of the reasons I decided to come here. I came up for the open day a couple of years ago and really loved how peaceful it is compared to Melbourne. It's so easy to ride around everywhere, the streets are relatively quiet, and there's a lot more nature around than in Melbourne city. I don't enjoy being around crowds anyway - having said that the shops seem to be quite busy all the time, probably due to the lack of opening hours
A few questions, just because I'm curious :P
How are you finding Canberra life? I visited last year and found it a little too spread out and quiet for my liking, but this is coming from someone who has lived in somewhat inner Melbourne all their life!!
How does your accomodation work? Clearly you're in residence with other students, but do you cook or is it catered/provided? Are there dining halls, shared cooking spaces, etc? Are you staying in your own apartment/room? I hope you're liking the accomodation!!I'm in a self catered hall - there's some that are catered but I'd rather make my own food. First floor is reception and a cafe/bar, second floor is kitchens, laundry, study areas, then the building splits into two towers - north and south. North tower has 7 dorm floors (so 9 floors total), south tower has 5 dorm floors (7 floors total).
On each floor there's about 40 rooms (I think, that's what I got told, I haven't actually checked). So we all have our own room, bathrooms are shared on each floor - there's bathrooms at either end with 4 toilets & 4 showers (I think). There's also a kitchenette which has some couches and chairs as well as a sink, microwave, toaster, and kettle.
The kitchens downstairs have ovens and stoves, etc. There's also big fridges & freezers, and we each have a cupboard with our room number on it to store our stuff in. There's also tables & chairs and seats along next to the window for eating at.
I've been told there's TV rooms somewhere but I haven't really explored level 1 & 2 much - it's also still a bit of a construction site.
What are you most excited for in regards to your studies/course? :)I don't really know, this isn't very specific, but I think I'm just looking forward to learning interesting things again - feels like it's been a while since I've done that.
Post by: K888 on February 10, 2019, 11:22:53 pm
Also, re: sharing fridges. I've not shared with a whole floor but I have shared with 6 people and basically just label your stuff (given there's a larger amount of people) and I like to keep my stuff together and stacked nicely to save space (plus this way it's easier to keep track of what's yours so you know whether someone is stealing your food)
Post by: PhoenixxFire on February 18, 2019, 03:12:12 pm
Especially all the social stuff that I'm supposed to be doing at the moment. I think I'm going to try and at least go to a couple of the events each day, but honestly I kinda cbf.
I'd rather be off hiking in the mountains I can see from my window than attempting to make friends. (There's a walk up black mountain tomorrow though so yay).
I went to commencement this morning - very boring, do not recommend (free stuff though). There's a free showing of spider man: into the spiderverse at the new Kambri cinema tonight so I'm going to go see that - apparently it's good. Problem being there's probably going to be a heap of people who want to go and there's *only* 300 seats.
It feels like there's a heap of stuff I should be doing right now, but also nothing, if that makes any sense (it doesn't). I still haven't really organised my room (although it's better than it was) and I need to actually figure out what sort of things I'm going to cook and make a shopping list or something. My shopping is very haphazard at the moment. I have some potatoes that I've been intending to cut up to make into chips for a couple of days now but I still haven't done it.
Also still have to do the online questions for the chemistry course - we were sort of supposed to do some each night but I didn't :-\
I don't think I'm going to go to any of the parties that are on in O week. I kind of want to go to them, but I also know how much I hate crowds of people and loud music. There's some smaller parties happening here this week - there's a rainbow bar night tonight, but I guess I won't be going to that either if I'm at the movie (although it'll probably still be going on when we get back).
tl;dr
-I'm exhausted
-Making friends is hard
-Parties suck (I say, having never been to any big ones)
Sorry for the shitty update, there's so much else I could write about, but I kind of want to sleep instead (but I should probably go eat something, or have coffee, or both).
Post by: K888 on February 18, 2019, 03:39:06 pm
If parties aren't your thing, then there's no obligation to go! Find other things to do. Have dinner with a few people on your floor, go to the trivia nights or smaller scale stuff. Some of it might seem lame but you only have to go once, then you'll know some more people and you won't have to go again haha.
Seriously though, don't sweat the friend stuff. It's normal for it to take a while to make friends and adjusting to uni is hard. Don't be too hard on yourself :)
Re: cooking and being organised, to do lists are great. Don't try and tackle everything at once - start something, finish it and then you'll be in a good mood because youve achieved something.
If you have a decent sized pot, it's so easy to cook in batches. Stir fry and spag bol/other pasta dishes are my go to and I'm in my 3rd year of living out of home. There's so many variations that you can do so you can keep the food interesting. I love only having to cook once a week.
Also. Get yourself a rice cooker!!! You won't regret it. Just chuck rice and water in, press the button and soon you'll have amazing rice. It's so much less fiddly than doing rice any other way 😍
Post by: PhoenixxFire on February 26, 2019, 08:58:01 pm
I actually thought about doing a video update, but then it got dark and the background isn't as pretty when it's dark, so next time :)
Fire alarms suck.
We've had 4. I wasn't here for one of them. The ones I was here for were midnight, 8am, and 3am. It's not a pleasant way to wake up (good memes though). We also have a drill at some point this week. Apparently it'll be in the early hours of the morning to ensure we're all here :'( Might also have an evacuation of the wider area of the uni campus where we are (which means we get to go for a walk).
We started classes on Monday. Science communication is seeming like a really interesting course, despite the writing involved. I'm really looking forward to it. Kind of want to minor in it or something, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to fit it in if I want to go on exchange as well (although I could just do 6 units (1 course) overseas over summer). I can't continue it next semester at least because my timetable is full of compulsory courses + prerequisites.
Bio and Chem are as expected. The first lecture for both of them was just admin stuff. The second bio lecture was a lot of 1/2 bio - apparently that's going to continue for a bit. Chemistry's going to be a lot harder, I'm going to have to actually go to the optional lectorials and tutorials.
EMSC1006 (The blue planet - a compulsory introductory earth science course) is very disappointing so far. I've only had one lecture for it but the lecturer was incredibly boring. Hopefully it gets better :/
I've applied for a couple of jobs, haven't heard anything from them yet. The online status on them just says "application received" might try applying for some more. I don't particularly want to be working for $15/hour so I'm trying to avoid having to get a job in retail/fast food.
I think I'm going to go for a walk up mt. Ainslie tomorrow night - the sun will set over black mountain so the view will be really pretty, assuming the weather is nice. Problem being it's about an hour and a half walk and I don't know how doable it'll be to walk that after dark. Maybe there's busses around there somewhere, I haven't been on Canberra public transport yet.
I think I'll probably update this at some point soonish with a bit more detail about general stuff rather than day-to-day stuff, but I just haven't really had the energy for it :) Someone remind me if I forget though
Also. Get yourself a rice cooker!!! You won't regret it. Just chuck rice and water in, press the button and soon you'll have amazing rice. It's so much less fiddly than doing rice any other way 😍I got a rice cooker today! I even bought rice. Probably going to cook some tomorrow whilst I'm eating brekkie and chuck it in the fridge to use later. Don't actually have any veggies or sauce or anything yet, but I'll have to go get some before dinner tomorrow.
Also, some of you might remember that I was complaining about the lack of pretty flat sheets last week. I have since bought a doona and I would now like to complain about the lack of pretty doona covers (based on my extensive searches of one Big W, there was only one I liked, and it only came in Q or K, my doona is a double :'()
Post by: Bri MT on February 26, 2019, 09:37:23 pm
Scientific communication is a major element of GC so I'm interested to learn more about how it's taught in your course.
I hope you find your other units more engaging soon ans that you're able to get some rest on nice bedding without fire alarm interruptions :)
Post by: K888 on February 27, 2019, 07:06:14 am
Most subjects will have aspects that are interesting and parts that are really boring lol. The first few weeks might be a bit slow because obviously not everyone is coming from the same knowledge base so they have to go over some things that are just a bit of a yawn. It'll improve soon!!
For doona covers, try the clearance section of spotlight and catch of the day (online)! Kmart also has some really nice stuff and I've found it pretty good quality. I bought a cheap fitted sheet from them and there hasn't been any pilling, yet I bought a more expensive one from Harris Scarfe or something and it's already got so much pilling and I don't know how! Kmart is the uni student temple.
Post by: PhoenixxFire on February 27, 2019, 11:08:13 am
Scientific communication is a major element of GC so I'm interested to learn more about how it's taught in your course.It's always been something I've found somewhat interesting but I never realised it was something I could study until I started looking through elective lists haha. I'll give you some more details after we've had some more classes!
re: jobs - if you worked at Woolies in the past, would you just be able to transfer to a store nearby?Yeah I could have - I'd imagine it'd be hard now given anyone else moving to Canberra would have done the same thing. The process for transferring at woolies is basically just going to a store and telling the manager you're from another store. If they want more staff they'll give you a trial shift and maybe a job after that. I didn't do it initially because I was really busy for the first couple of weeks but also because the pay is shit and it got really boring, I'd rather do something else assuming I can find a different job. Obviously there are benefits to it too - like the staff discount I've been making the most of whilst I still have it
Most subjects will have aspects that are interesting and parts that are really boring lol. The first few weeks might be a bit slow because obviously not everyone is coming from the same knowledge base so they have to go over some things that are just a bit of a yawn. It'll improve soon!!Yeah I was kinda expecting it, still sad though. I'm somewhat worried I'm going to be too complacent with bio given I've learnt it before, problem being I don't really know this stuff well enough to do a test on it atm so I'm going to have to make sure I'm still paying attention.
For doona covers, try the clearance section of spotlight and catch of the day (online)! Kmart also has some really nice stuff and I've found it pretty good quality. I bought a cheap fitted sheet from them and there hasn't been any pilling, yet I bought a more expensive one from Harris Scarfe or something and it's already got so much pilling and I don't know how! Kmart is the uni student temple.I'll have to try there! There's a Big W and a Target at the closest shopping center, haven't really been exploring any further than that though (I think I'm going to spend tomorrow arvo exploring canberra a bit more, still barely been anywhere except uni and the shops).
Post by: PhoenixxFire on March 05, 2019, 03:50:27 pm
I got somewhat distracted after recording this so it's a couple of hours late
Wow a video
Don't know why I was talking quietly and fast, makes it rather hard to understand :-[
SciCom is still my favourite subject. We had a guest lecturer in yesterday and he threatened to guillotine a $50 note to make a point. It was a very entertaining class. He was explaining what made something a good story so he got a volunteer to carry an almost full glass of water around the room, if she spilt it he said he was going to cut the money up, luckily she didn't spill it so she got the money.
I wish my classes were harder. I'm sure I'm going to regret saying that later, but at the moment it's so easy its boring :( Even chemistry, we're just learning things that we already learnt in the bridging course at the moment. I'm seriously considering figuring out where some later year lectures are so I can figure out which I can crash (some lecture rooms are easier to hide in than others).
I'm bored at the moment, but also too stressed to find something to do with my time :( There's some stuff on at Fenner regularly - some of which I've been going to. There's games night every saturday but I went to the first one and then forgot about it the last couple of weeks :'( Am thinking I'll message the person I went to it with the first week so that I don't forget again
We have Fenner tea nights on Wednesday nights (free food!) but I haven't been to any of them. I probably should go though - feels a bit awkward going down there by myself, but I'd probably know at least some other people there anyway. We also have floor tea nights on Monday (more free food!) but it's a bit annoying because that's also when queer chats is (also free food!) Hopefully that'll get moved to a different night at some point though and then I'll be able to go to both.
There's lots of free food at Fenner if you hadn't noticed
we also have bread night on Wednesdays, we get all the old bread from bakers delight and it's a bit of a free-for-all to get the good stuff. I tend to just get some on Thursday morning though to avoid the crowds.Still waiting on our fire drill. We had a silent alarm earlier. I didn't know that was a thing but apparently it was on manual not automatic? So the alarm got set off and all the fire doors closed but the siren didn't go off and so we didn't have to evacuate. I was very confused when I got up in the morning and the smoke door in the middle of the hallway was closed and the fire doors on the stairs were closed, was somewhat worried that I'd managed to sleep through an alarm
The rain is basically gone off the radar now btw. It never even got here, which is kind of a good thing, but I'm also annoyed because I was waiting for it to rain and it didn't.
Post by: Joseph41 on March 05, 2019, 03:53:45 pm
Absolute classic.
Post by: PhoenixxFire on March 28, 2019, 09:00:45 pm
Heyyy
long time no see :-[ So long that I had to go back and re-read my last entry. Oops.
In a way a lot has happened, but also not much, if that makes any sense at all. Which makes it really hard to figure out how to start this. Or write the middle or the end of it for that matter. I'm also not entirely sure what I want to write on here, which makes it even trickier, so sorry in advance if this is/gets incredibly rambly (>implying the rest of my posts aren't rambly)
Some of you know I was on a field trip to the snowy mountains over the weekend. It was kinda fun. Saturday was much better than Sunday - even though it rained most of the time. We went for a walk to look at rocks on Saturday, on Sunday we drove around and stopped to look at a bunch of different rocks (and got kicked off private property by the farmer's neighbour...oops). But yeah driving around and then listening to people talk about rocks for hours (and repeat themselves several times) was not enjoyable.
I have an essay due for SciCom on Sunday night. From what I've heard most people have started it...I haven't even picked my topic. Really hope I don't end up leaving it to the last minute like I always do when I have to write something, but I probably will. I also have to write a report for emsc from the field trip, but that's not due for a while.
Chemistry is making my brain hurt. It's not too complicated, there's just a heap of stuff that I'm supposed to remember and it's not all fitting in my brain. Bio is boring. Except for the occasional comment, mostly relating to specific examples/scenarios, I haven't really learnt anything new. (I do need to re-memorise what happens in each stage of mitosis & meiosis though).
We still haven't had our fire alarm drill lol (although we have had more fire alarms). Apparently the SR's are getting boxes put into their rooms with access cards and that hasn't happened yet. Apparently fire alarms have to be scheduled a week in advance, so I have a week of peace at least. Apparently one of the other halls managed to set their fire alarm off during their fire drill because someone's toast burnt when they had to evacuate.....
We're officially allowed to stick things on our walls now, not that everyone wasn't doing that anyway. I reckon I should probably probably write up at least some of the naming rules for chemistry stuff. Or write them out over and over until they stick in my head or something.
Volunteering at the Warren has been fun - people seem to study in there but I don't know how. (Context because I'm not sure how much I've explained/where I've explained it: The Warren is Fenner's Cafe/Bar it's staffed by residents. Sells cheap coffee and other drinks. Donates profits to charity at the end of the year. Coffee is occasionally of dubious quality - especially if I'm the one making it) Good for socialising etc. And me being forced to socialise more is probably a good thing. Someone else put their name down because there's supposed to be 2 people on each shift but they never showed up/don't actually exist. Which is somewhat sad. Also apparently we're going to be making coffee for all the SR's when they have a meeting next Thursday. Pretty sure one of the Warren coordinators is going to help though so I don't have to make 20ish coffees myself
"I actually have class now as well, but I'm not there."So classic that I haven't been to any of the lectures for that class since
Absolute classic.
I'm almost up to date on the recordings though.
Post by: PhoenixxFire on April 07, 2019, 09:04:41 pm
I've had a good day today. I finally actually submitted some of my assignments that were overdue, the weather was beautiful, and I saw (but sadly did not pat) a puppy.
Unfortunately I still haven't submitted one other assignment that is overdue, and there's another one due tonight that I haven't done (oops), but today was still way better than the rest of this week was :)
Fenner is somewhat quiet at the moment (except for the fire alarms and jackhammer) because a lot of people go home or travelling on the holidays - I didn't have to fight for a spot in the kitchens for once! There's been a bunch of people hanging out in the Fenner courtyard today. There were some people dancing out there tonight, and they were actually really good, so that's my entertainment for the night done.
I'm not really sure what I'm going to do these holidays. It's going to take me a few days to finish my assignments and then catch up on the lectures I've missed. I'm also going to have to do some practice tests and stuff (for the subjects that they exist for) because I have a chem and a bio exam after Easter.
I'm hoping I'll have time to go camping for a few days, I miss nature (I know, I say that a lot). I've done just about every half-day walk around Canberra, although there are a few longer ones that I could do (I'm keen to walk around Lake Burley-Griffin but that'll take the entire day). There's a nice campground about 20km from here, which means it's close enough to walk to, but only if I stay for at least 2 nights, so hopefully I actually manage to study early in the holidays so I can be relaxed enough to go.
Post by: PhoenixxFire on April 30, 2019, 05:20:46 pm
So a fair bit has happened recently that most of you don't know about, but I think it's about time I update this.
I don't really know where to start though. I'm dropping 2 of my classes, so I'm going to be studying part time. At least for this semester, probably next semester too (although I might do 3 classes next semester, doubt I'll do 4). So that's kind of terrifying. Not so much anymore, I've kinda gotten used to the idea, but it's still scary. I guess I've just always seen uni (and school more generally) as something to be completed as fast as possible, but depression just had to go and fuck that up for me.
Don't really know what I'm even doing at uni tbh, very not enjoying my classes, but I think that's just because I can't fucking concentrate at all, so hopefully only doing two classes will help somewhat. Kind of annoying though - I'm going to keep bio and chem, but that means I'm going to have to repeat emsc (AKA the class I really don't like) next year, because it's compulsory for any enviro science major :'(
I'm sort of failing chem at the moment - or at least I failed the midsem exam, but it seems I only have to pass the theory overall, not pass both exams (at least I hope I read the course guide right), and the end of semester exam is worth more so I'm just gonna have to do way better in that. I have to pass the practical part as well, but so far that's going way better than the theory so that should be okay.
Haven't got the results from my bio exam yet, and I doubt I will for ages (even though we got our chem results in 3 days :o), given they haven't even given us the results from one of our assignments that we submitted a month ago ::) but aside from the weirdly specific questions (which I was expecting, but were still odd), it seemed fairly easy.
I haven't actually withdrawn from those two courses yet, mostly because I need to call centrelink first and figure out what I need to do to try and get them to not stop giving me money
also need to register with access & inclusion, but at least I've done the paperwork for that. I've heard some *interesting* stories about a&i that make me not keen to actually do it though :-\ I can actually withdraw from my classes without having to go through them, but to get it to not count towards my hecs debt I have to fill out yet more forms ::)So yeah, life's kinda shit at the moment, and I'm really tired all the time, but hopefully it'll get a bit better soon. Also, unrelated, but I really want a kayak, I just don't quite know how to obtain one, store it, or transport it given the small room and lack of car, should probably wait till after I eventually get a job though lol - speaking of, some recruitment people have called me like 5 times now and I haven't yet answered. Not sure why anyone is that desperate to hire me.
Love you <3
Obligatory meme
(https://i.imgur.com/tfAEbVY.jpg?1)
Post by: K888 on April 30, 2019, 05:50:38 pm
Are Access and Inclusion kinda like a disability support services thing? I'm registered with the Monash equivalent and although I'm sure it's different for each uni, I've found it to be super helpful, it's really nice to have someone to advocate for you and it makes applying for special consideration and stuff easier.
Be gentle with yourself, PF, and take care. Your health is the most important thing of all. Transitioning into uni (and moving out!) is incredibly difficult and I think you're doing a fantastic job of it, for what it's worth x
Post by: PhoenixxFire on May 02, 2019, 06:45:21 pm
It's funny, I think we all create an image in our minds of what we think uni will be and it tends to turn out quite differently to what we expect :)I think, in a way, uni is exactly what I expected, I'm just not really reacting to it how I expected to, which is incredibly frustrating.
Are Access and Inclusion kinda like a disability support services thing? I'm registered with the Monash equivalent and although I'm sure it's different for each uni, I've found it to be super helpful, it's really nice to have someone to advocate for you and it makes applying for special consideration and stuff easier.Yeah they are. I guess I know that it'd be helpful, it just seems way more complicated than it needs to be and it means I have to go talk to yet more people, which I'm not looking forward to.
Be gentle with yourself, PF, and take care. Your health is the most important thing of all. Transitioning into uni (and moving out!) is incredibly difficult and I think you're doing a fantastic job of it, for what it's worth x<3
Post by: PhoenixxFire on May 10, 2019, 02:46:22 pm
I've finally done most of the paperworky-organisy stuff so yay. I submitted my application for late withdrawal - although I put no effort into it so who knows if it'll actually get accepted lol - Even if it doesn't I'll still be withdrawn from those classes and I did it early enough to not fail them, but if it doesn't get approved I'll have to pay the hecs for it, kind of hard to care about that though given it's not something I'll have to worry about for a while.
Also had a meeting with access and inclusion today, they were nice enough but damn I'm so sick of repeating myself. I think I've been given enough flyers for the ANU crisis line and ANUSA's welfare department that I should start making artwork out of them or something. It should be easier for me to get extensions for assignments now though (although me actually asking for them is a whole separate issue) and I can get breaks + extra writing time for exams, although that's not normally something I have trouble with anyway.
I actually have some of that energy and motivation stuff at the moment ;D although I'm sure it won't last long lol. I was supposed to submit a lab report on Wednesday, but I haven't. I've got another one due in a few hours, although this one is way easier, so I should probably do both of them. Also have a bio quiz due tonight, I'm way behind on lectures, but the quiz is just on molecular genetics so I'll probably manage okay even if I don't find time to watch the lectures tonight. I've got to remember to actually do it though, I totally forgot the last one.
Also have a bio assignment due next week, it's actually fairly short, but I have to research a bunch of stuff which is going to make it take longer.
Still haven't been going to any classes except compulsory ones, I think I should probably just start going to them though (especially the chem lectorials) rather than worrying about trying to catch up on lectures first, because that's just going to make me keep putting it off.
Also apparently inflatable kayaks are a thing, so maybe I actually will get a kayak. Although they seem to be more expensive than normal kayaks :'( motivation to actually get a job i suppose.
Haven't actually called centerlink yet but I really should. I'm technically still enrolled full-time because my late withdrawal thing hasn't been processed yet, but I should do that soon because I really don't want to manage to get myself a debt.
Post by: PhoenixxFire on May 27, 2019, 05:43:08 pm
Still haven't heard anything about the application for late withdrawal which is getting frustrating. I should have just dropped them through isis (as in anu's enrollment system, not as in the terrorist organisation) after I applied for it because I'm still enrolled in them on that until they do something with my application :'(
I got an email about special arrangements for exams, gonna have some long exams if I use all the time I get lol.
Still haven't called centerlink. Should probably do that, technically still enrolled full time at the moment but I'd imagine they're not gonna be happy if I don't tell then then it gets approved because it'll be retrospective.
Don't really know what I'm going to do about chem. Didn't go to my last lab on Wednesday and they're compulsory so I don't really know what I'm going to do about that. I was supposed to get a medical certificate if I missed them, problem being Mark (course convenor) says he'll only accept ones from a doctor not those ones you can get for $20 at a pharmacy. I wouldn't even know where to find a doctor that I could see the same day, and honestly pretending to be okay enough to go to class would have been easier than finding a doctor and going to see them. I should probably email him and ask but I'm putting it off :-\ Don't know if I'd pass that class anyway given I'd have to get almost 70% on the end of semester exam to pass the theory.
Bio is mostly okay. Except I have an assignment that was due on Thursday, and another that was due the Thursday before that and I haven't submitted either of them. Oops.
Still haven't got a job but I finally started applying for some more again. Canberra is frustrating. 99% of jobs are either full time or minimum wage. Which is probably similar elsewhere, but Canberra's just too small and too spread out to have many decent jobs.
Did I mention that I finally did the math on it.
Minimum wage is $15/hr (or $11/hr...)
My rent is $290/week :'( :'(
$100/week for food and other stuff
So, uh $390/week just for stuff I can't avoid
=26 hours/week. So yeah, not going to get a minimum wage job lol. Did I mention that junior wages are the stupidest things in existence?
This week is my last week of classes for this semester (where tf did time even go???), and it's just lectures this week because of the public holiday today. My bio exam is on the 8th and chem is on the 11th. Also have chem HPO on the 17th, doing that would probably help my score a little bit, but I haven't been to any of the lectures for it (although I think there's only 8 or 9), so maybe I'll do it. Then I have holidays until mid-July which could potentially be a bad thing if I don't manage to get a job by then. Got to have some reason to actually get out of bed and all and not having classes isn't going to help that.
In slightly more positive news though, I got an email back from the Canberra dog shelter and they might let me play with some doggos but I've got to fill in some forms and stuff and it's kind of annoying to try and organise without knowing what time I'll end up working when I get a job. Also applied to volunteer for ACT wildlife, answering calls from people & vets who find injured wildlife and organising people to pick up and care for the animals, so that'll be really cool to do if they let me.
Post by: PhoenixxFire on June 08, 2019, 05:20:25 pm
Went better than I thought, there were a few things that I know I didn't explain properly or didn't know the examples for, but it was still easier than I expected.
The content was similar to high school, but the way it's tested is so different. I think I prefer it like this though.
The examiners are way less paranoid too, I was in a small room because I got extra time + rest breaks. We were allowed to leave the room during our rest breaks. The foyer area outside was being used by a few people to study whilst we were doing our exam. I couldn't help but compare it to high school when they were so paranoid that there were separate toilets that we weren't allowed into until after we had started the exam and that no one not doing the exam was allowed to use for the entirety of the exam period. It would be so incredibly easy to cheat on these exams if someone wanted to (not worth the risk, but easy).
Chem is on Tuesday morning, way more worried about that then I was about bio (although rip my bio score because I didn't submit two of my assignments). It's not so bad now that I've started actually watching the lectures - definitely easy than organic chem, I just probably should have started learning it a little sooner than yesterday :-[
The chem HPO exam is on the 17th. I haven't been to any of the lectures for it, but supposedly they're recorded and there's only 8 so I think I'm going to have a shot at the exam. Means I have a week more of studying though :'(
Oh and Mark (chem convenor) let me get away with not having done lab 8 despite not having a medical certificate, so I'm not going to fail on account of that (yay), just have to pass the theory now....
Post by: K888 on June 09, 2019, 03:38:47 pm
Post by: PhoenixxFire on June 09, 2019, 09:29:19 pm
Re: doctors close by, have you tried your uni health services? You might also be able to get some recommendations if you have a facebook group for where you live on res. I found my current GP through a rec from my res FB group :)Yeah, my uni's health service is where I have been going. They're run through the national health co op (which, despite the name, is almost exclusively a canberra thing) so they bulk bill. They've always got super long wait though.
There's one place nearby that's very well recommended by everyone, but of course they aren't taking new patients. They also have a sister center, but the vast majority of doctors there don't bulk bill (even students :'( which is a bit frustrating).
I know the anu womens dept. has a spreadsheet with places that have been recommended, so i should probably have a look at that. The issue round here seems to be that you either get a well recommended doctor + short wait times or you get a bulk-billing doctor and you can't have both :'(
Post by: K888 on June 10, 2019, 09:39:38 am
Yeah, my uni's health service is where I have been going. They're run through the national health co op (which, despite the name, is almost exclusively a canberra thing) so they bulk bill. They've always got super long wait though.do you have a healthcare card? I think a lot of places that don't bulk bill are usually willing to bulk bill a healthcare card holder
There's one place nearby that's very well recommended by everyone, but of course they aren't taking new patients. They also have a sister center, but the vast majority of doctors there don't bulk bill (even students :'( which is a bit frustrating).
I know the anu womens dept. has a spreadsheet with places that have been recommended, so i should probably have a look at that. The issue round here seems to be that you either get a well recommended doctor + short wait times or you get a bulk-billing doctor and you can't have both :'(
Post by: PhoenixxFire on June 17, 2019, 05:52:11 pm
The HPO chem exam was the easiest exam I have ever done. It was 25 multiple choice questions, based off 5 lectures, and I had an hour and a half lol. And there was a heap of overlap from biology stuff about amino acids/proteins and rational drug design. Way easier than core.
I get my results in a couple of weeks - at least the course results, I could get my exam marks before that. I think it's probably more likely that I'll fail chem than pass it. Felt weird doing the hpo exam not knowing if it would even matter. Really hope I don't fail it for a lot of reasons, but oh well, I guess I'll find out soon.
My application for late withdrawal from emsc and scom got approved! Only took them 5 weeks. But also, yay.
Don't really know what I'm going to do these holidays, hopefully get a job, but I don't know what else. Kind of want to visit Melbourne, but also kind of don't. Guess I could go up to sydney for a bit, it's a lot closer and inferior Might go camping for a bit (I hope), but also it's winter so maybe not, just got to actually do something so they don't just disappear like last holidays haha.
(https://i.imgur.com/T3B5QJ0.jpg)
^There's $5 pizza right near home, it's gonna be the death of me lol.
Post by: PhoenixxFire on June 26, 2019, 07:41:36 pm
I think I'm gonna pass chem! Haven't got my grades yet but i got my exam mark and unless my math sucks i somehow passed?!
I got a job - applied for it the day after my last post here, and started the day after that lol. It's full-time, but temporary and rather boring (but the $$$ makes up for it).
The lack of sunlight that comes from being inside from 9-5 every day isn't very pleasant though. I should really go for a walk about now, or do anything that isn't going from sitting at a desk all day to lying in bed, but it's cold and dark and the temptation to watch netflix instead is strong. It also makes me want to spend all weekend outside, which is great, but also means I don't have a lot of time for anything else which is frustrating.
It's super weird to me how incredibly relaxed this work is. Like...are there people who do this their whole lives??? There's only one other person who's always in the store and she was complaining it was busy when we'd had 3 customers all morning? And not even at the same time? That's not her only job, but she spends heaps of time on her phone and applying for a new job (lol) and still thinks that it counts as busy. Compared to woolies where we were working constantly and barely had a spare second to have a drink, and I'm getting paid way more now. It's so strange, society is weird.
You know when new year 7s start at high school and they're little babies and somehow over the course of the year most of them grow up a lot? The last 6 months or so has felt a bit like that to me. It's strange, feels like I don't really recognise myself at times, but it's more of a good thing than a bad thing :)
Edit: Chem HPO marks just got released. Got 20/35 which is about what I was expecting, although hoped for a little higher. Way above average though apparently lol.
Post by: PhoenixxFire on July 04, 2019, 11:13:32 am
I got 0.95/100 for scicom which is a new record 😂
Quote
Edit: Chem HPO marks just got released. Got 20/35 which is about what I was expecting, although hoped for a little higher. Way above average though apparently lol.Was actually 20/25. Which makes sense given the entire exam was just 25 multiple choice questions 😂 they just entered it wrong.
Post by: Joseph41 on July 04, 2019, 02:09:27 pm
Post by: PhoenixxFire on July 21, 2019, 01:52:24 pm
I really need to get a part time job lol - not just for the money, but also because otherwise I'm going to have way too much spare time and i'm going to end up spending too much of it staring at a wall or something.
Things are super frustrating at the moment - I keep alternating between not caring about anything and being totally fine with lying in bed listening to sad music all day, and caring about everything way too much and hating that there's not much I can do/am doing about it. Very annoying. but I prefer this to never caring about anything ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Just means that I have to actually study when I care enough to want to pass uni.
I really need to socialise more. I was way better at it earlier in the year, and then I stopped talking to anyone for a couple of weeks and skipped all my classes and that really didn't help lol. Should be a bit easier this semester though, given I only have two compulsory classes. First priority is actually getting a job (which unfortunately involves answering the phone when people call me...) then hopefully going to organise some volunteering stuff around that. I think I'm gonna be better off organising stuff that I can't easily cancel. Also it bothers me to catch up with people over coffee when the coffee at Fenner is cheaper (and frequently nicer, depending on who makes it) haha
Also still need to reply to the email from the canberra dog shelter (they finally replied to my email after a month, but that was two months ago and i haven't replied to theirs. oops. bit hard when i don't really know what days i'm available yet though). But would be awesome to see some doggos again. I really miss my pets. One of my SR's did offer to hide my fish in her room during room inspections if I got one though....
We haven't had a fire alarm at Fenner all holidays (longest time without one all year), but we had one a couple of days ago which was very amusing because it was just after the semester 2 move in date, and it felt like fenner was welcoming us all home lol (also I did love the opportunity to make yet another shitty meme).
Post by: K888 on July 21, 2019, 07:17:22 pm
All the best for the next semester, I hope that things go as well as possible for you <3
Post by: PhoenixxFire on July 27, 2019, 10:49:45 am
Bio is going to be very boring this semester again :( Pretty much all the topics that we're supposed to be covering this semester are ones that I already did in high school (we're currently learning about how gene mutations can cause disease via changing a proteins shape ::)) I think I'm going to sneak into some bio lectures for other courses, problem is a lot of the ones that look interesting are in small rooms that would be quite difficult to hide in.
I barely understood chem last semester, so this semester should be interesting
I'm gonna actually try and go to the tutorials this time around though lol, I went to the one this week, but I can't go next week which is a bit annoying (although I could go to the one on Friday instead, but I don't know anyone in it and I don't wanna go by myself).Exams this semester are a bit different to last semester - last semester I had an exam in the middle of the semester and one at the end of the semester for both bio and chem. This semester there's only one exam for bio (at the end of the semester) and there's three exams for chem :'(
I have a job interview on Monday, so hopefully I actually get it (although that means I have to actually go to the interview.....)
Centrelink finally actually cut me off hahaha (I can probably get them to start paying me again but I'll have to call them again, probably more than once :'( think I'm gonna wait to see how this interview goes before I do it)
I finally replied to the email from the canberra dog shelter, will be really cool if I get to volunteer there, hopefully it doesn't take them a month to reply again though (although tbf it did take me 2 months to reply to them)
Gonna sound like a broken record but please do make sure you follow up with a GP or counsellor, PF! You don't have to get through things just by yourself.I don't have a whole lot of choice about it anymore haha. To stay at Fenner whilst studying part time I had to get permission from the head of hall and one of her conditions on approving it is that I go back to the doctor, which I'm not particularly thrilled about, but I'm sure it's probably actually a good thing, even if I don't think so.
All the best for the next semester, I hope that things go as well as possible for you <3
Post by: turinturambar on July 27, 2019, 09:25:51 pm
I think I'm going to sneak into some bio lectures for other courses, problem is a lot of the ones that look interesting are in small rooms that would be quite difficult to hide in.
When I was in Uni I attended every lecture of a fourth year subject I wasn't enrolled in (small-ish class and small-ish room), and I think the lecturer and some of the students in the class were aware of that and completely OK with it. Not that I'd ever assume my experiences were normative...
Post by: PhoenixxFire on August 16, 2019, 09:13:29 pm
I'm not really sure what week it is now. Week 4?
I submitted an assignment on time today, which is the first (and so far only) one that's been on time this semester :-\ I should probably actually ask for extensions sometimes lol still not going to though
I got a job a couple of weeks ago.........and then I sorta quit my job (oops). I kinda have another job now, but it's just a temporary one again. I think I have commitment issues. Got interviews for a couple of other jobs but I really doubt they'd go any better than the first one so I'm probably gonna not go (which is also not a good solution but oh well).
I'm a little behind in uni work, but only a weekish, and that's just because the last week has been a bit of a shitshow. I can't really seem to remember how I ever used to be at school 9-3, study more outside that time, work ~15 hours a week, and still have free time?? I do way, way less now, but everything is so much harder :-\
Haven't really learnt anything new in bio, which is annoying. The reports we have to write up after our labs are very tedious though, takes twice as long to reference as it does to write it ::)
I don't really understand anything about chem, but I seem to still be able to answer the questions, so I guess that's okay? I went to one of the tutorials back at the start of the semester, but then stopped going because of work and didn't start again. I should really start going again though, the questions are available online but I should probably socialise and attempt to make friends and all that fun stuff.
Been thinking a bit about what I'm going to do next year with study and all, haven't come up with any answers. No way I'm gonna get approval to stay here if I'm still only doing two courses, moving out has pros and cons, but I like it here (even with the constant fire alarms). Hopefully I'll do more than two courses next year and it won't be an issue though, but we'll see. I should really worry about this semester first haha.
Post by: PhoenixxFire on August 28, 2019, 11:52:00 am
Another update, despite not a whole lot having happened in the last week-ish (and not as much happening as should have happened :-\)
This is the last week of classes before mid-sem break. All I really have this week is a bio lab this afternoon, which looks somewhat boring (we're pretty much just learning how to use microscopes). No chem lab because my chem test is friday night, annoyingly in a different location to last semester (and I don't really know where it is, I should probably figure that out).
I'm more prepared for the chem test this time around than I was last semester (I've actually watched my lectures this time...) although I haven't done any of the past exams (yet) and that's probably something I should do.
Bio is...frustrating. TBF I have spent way too much time worrying about other stuff the last couple of weeks which has made it a bit hard to focus, but also writing reports is just hard. And I can't do it for very long at a time because the words start blurring together which makes it a bit hard to find references. The obvious solution to which would be to start it earlier and do a bit each day, but of course I didn't do that. I'd better figure it out real quick though because ~40% of my mark this semester is from these reports. (never thought I would miss doing tests). My first report was due on Thursday and I still haven't submitted it (I did actually do some of it though, so that's an improvement on last semester lol). I supposedly have 10 working days to submit it, and lose 5% per day. Which at the moment puts me at -20%. But any marks are better than none so I should really just submit it anyway (I've only done ~30% worth at the moment though, because the rest of it needs references and I spent an hour reading the same paragraph yesterday and staring blankly at my computer and then gave up). But also I keep wasting hours on that and not getting anywhere and I need to be studying for my chem exam too :(
I think I'm going to go camping again in the mid sem break, which will be nice, although now that it's warm there'll probably be even more people around :'(
Still not sure what I'm going to do next year. This year has felt fairly wasted in a lot of ways, which frustrates me (although I can't help but find the irony of wanting to die whilst also worrying about wasting years amusing). Am somewhat considering taking a semester or a year off uni, although that will mean moving out of fenner and given that the majority of the people I know in Canberra are at fenner, and all of them are at ANU, that's not necessarily a good idea. But then I don't think that what I'm doing at the moment is working particularly well either. Still a little scary to leave what little structure I do have though. I spend so much time at the moment doing what feels like trying to catch up, all the time, and it's making it really hard to do anything else except that or worrying about what I should be doing. And to stay at Fenner next year I'd have to do 3 subjects anyway, and at least one of them would have field trips (potentially more than one depending on which courses I did) and it's all just a bit too hard. And I still haven't really figured out why I'm at uni anyway given I don't know what I want to do with my degree afterwards.
On a bit more of a positive note though, the sunshine the last couple of weeks has been very nice. I've spent most days in the last week studying (or trying to study...) outside and it's way nicer than my room (I don't get any sunlight in my room in winter) and it's better than the floor lounge too. I'm actually kind overheating at the moment lol (It's 14 degrees, apparent temperature is 9 supposedly, but it feels more like 20 to me).
Post by: PhoenixxFire on September 14, 2019, 08:31:31 pm
Post by: PhoenixxFire on September 17, 2019, 11:38:28 am
I should really just make a decision and commit to it and stop wasting so many hours worrying about it when there are more important things that I could be using that time for (...like actually watching my lectures. Which is what I intended to do this morning).
Post by: PhoenixxFire on September 23, 2019, 03:34:17 pm
I'm so far behind on my lectures, which is really annoying and entirely my fault. I need to catch up really soon though because I have another exam in a couple of weeks (organic chem should just stop being a thing already).
I haven't been going for my morning rides lately. Which isn't good cos I get way more stressed & anxious when I don't. But also getting out of bed in the morning is hard when I can barely sleep at night (and sleeping is easier when I've been exercising at least a little, but that would require getting up early which requires sleeping and so on). So that's unpleasant.
I really need to actually submit my lab reports for chem and bio on time this week. Or just submit them at all at least. But there's a bunch of questions in my chem lab that haven't been covered in the lectures I've watched so far. It should have been in the lectures from the first half of the sem, but either it's not or it's all just crammed into the last one that I haven't watched yet.
Assuming the processing times are accurate and I didn't fuck up anything on the form, my name change should finally be done this week (hopefully). Although they're saying it can take a week after that to send me my new birth ceritficate ::). That'll be nice. But also stressful because then I have to fill out a million tonnes of paperwork to change everything else to match and some of that is probably going to require changing things in a certain order which will be annoying and I'm going to have to tell so many people. And I don't even know how that's meant to work for some of my classes, cos like, they have paper rolls and they use them for marks for some things, so then idk if I need to keep putting my online submissions under my old name or if they'll just think to use my uni id rather than name. And I'll have to get a new student card which is frustrating for even more reasons and ugh. And like, I'm gonna have to get a new bank card, which means a different number, and I don't even remember if I have anything connected to it, I don't think so but ugh. And I have to go in person to change my name on federal government stuff (you'd think they could just figure it out amongst themselves ::)) and that will take an entire day because they always have insanely long wait times and not enough staff.
PF's life tip: If you want to change your name, do it in between high school and uni and don't do what I did and decide to change it halfway through the year lol.
Also then I'm eventually gonna get another birth certificate which isn't gonna have my birth name on it so I won't be able to prove that it used to be my name so rip if I forget to change anything before then (although whether something requires proof of connection between names seems to be a bit hit and miss lol). That's gonna take forever though :'( (they still haven't even updated the website or their forms to allow it yet which is a bit sad).
tl;dr I am very stressed about everything and I do not like it.
Post by: caffinatedloz on September 23, 2019, 08:10:19 pm
tl;dr I am very stressed about everything and I do not like it.<3 <3
Post by: PhoenixxFire on October 01, 2019, 07:47:12 pm
I'm almost definitely going to move out of Fenner next year. Not sure where to exactly. I could move to queanbeyan because it's cheap there. It's fairly far away, but only by Canberra standards lol. The other option is to get a sharehouse, either with randos or with some of the other million fenner people who are planning on moving out.
Problem with either of that is my lack of job. I haven't been trying to hard to get one recently because I really didn't want to do it using my old name, so ya know, figured I'd wait. But now is about when Fenner people have started attempting to organise sharehouses but I can't really because no one's going to want to lease to me without proof of income (even though I still have plenty of saving and centrelink will start paying me again sometime soonish probably Jan). So that's frustrating.
But also trying to apply for jobs, organise changing my name on a million different things (I got my new birth certificate today, it's pink for some reason, fairly sure my original wasn't), and also trying to catch up on all my uni work that I'm so far behind on is very frustrating.
I wish I'd taken a gap year.
Gonna go tomorrow to change my name for access canberra stuff and human services stuff. Also got to go get a new passport and all that.
Also I changed my name with the official ANU system, but apparently they can't change my name on wattle (our version of moodle) or my email. The person I emailed gave me a link to change it on there, but it had a bunch of different sections and the only part I could change was preferred name (and even that has to get approved), so I might have to email them again.
I'm gonna drop bio because I'm about to fail it (don't you just love when you submit all your assignments so late that you'd fail from late penalties despite having an EAP so that you could easily get extensions? why. do. i. do. this. to. myself.) Which means I'm only gonna still be doing one class this semester. Which is quite sad. Also I might fail that too. How am I barely doing better than I was last semester when I didn't watch half my lectures last semester. I've already lost so many marks from late penalties for that too lmao. And then more marks from the weekly quizzes because I'm behind in lectures and so can't do them yet. Did I mention that I should have taken a gap year?
So uh yeah. That's my life I guess.
Not sure what I'm gonna do re:study next year. Next year should *hopefully* be way less stressful than this year. Also paying $100/week less in rent, and actually having some YA left for food and stuff will make worrying about work way less of a problem. So maybe I'll manage to actually pass some classes.
There's so much stuff I have to organise over the next two months or so, and I'm kinda worried that's gonna make studying harder (I still have three exams to pass). But also I think the majority of it (aside from finding somewhere to live from December) should be mostly organised in the next few weeks. But also I'm so fkn tired all the time and have no will to do anything despite knowing that I have to and that's making life a little hard. It would probably help if I ate something other than 2 minute noodles occasionally. But also can anxiety just stop being a thing. Like seriously, the world would be so much better without it.
Want to know something really weird though? Since I changed my name on fb a week ago I've gotten 10 new friend requests. TEN. In one week. I am quite confused.
Edit: Did I mention that I screw up than/then and your/you're a lot when I'm stressed and/or anxious?
Post by: PhoenixxFire on October 12, 2019, 01:51:22 pm
But anyway I made yet another impulsive decision, I was going to work next year, but I think I'm going to not do that. My grandma left me money when she died and I think I'm going to use that to go travelling. I'm not really sure for how long - I'm thinking I'll probably come back and study second semester next year, but I'm not really sure. If I come back for second semester next year, it'll only be 5 months that I have to actually do stuff for, and then I could go travelling again over summer. And surely even I can manage to study for 5 months lol.
I really don't know where to go though haha. Also I'm kind of sad that given I'd probably be going to the northern hemisphere, I'm going to miss summer :'( (although I'm sure if I stayed here until Feb I'd be very eager to leave).
My sister lives in England these days, so I suppose I could visit her at some point. I kind of want to go to Egypt because pyramids, but that's about the extent of me having plans. I've only ever been overseas once before and it was to nepal on a school trip (nice place btw, would recommend).
If I'm going to study second semester then I should probably be planning on being back in Aus by early June at the latest - also thought about travelling around Australia for a bit but I think I might run out of time haha. Not really sure when I'd leave - my contract here is until the start of December, but I might visit my family for a bit before going overseas, I haven't seen them all year (....and more importantly, I haven't seen my pets all year and I miss them). So probably 6 ish months overseas. If anyone has been travelling more than me and has suggestions for cool places hmu.
Although speaking of travelling, I should probably finish updating my name on everything. Need to get myself a new passport and all that lol. Also still need to update a bunch of other stuff - I emailed fenner about whether I needed to update any of the forms they have so that changing my name with my bank doesn't cause issues for my rent or anything, but it's been a week and they seem to be ignoring me ::)
Post by: hums_student on October 12, 2019, 06:20:45 pm
My sister lives in England these days, so I suppose I could visit her at some point. I kind of want to go to Egypt because pyramids, but that's about the extent of me having plans. I've only ever been overseas once before and it was to nepal on a school trip (nice place btw, would recommend).
I just came back from a 2-week trip to Egypt and it's an absolutely beautiful place. Very worth travelling to. If you're planning to go there, be sure to check out their ancient temples as well (because the pyramids are so ridiculously crowded with tourists you can barely see anything lol).
Post by: PhoenixxFire on November 27, 2019, 05:14:06 pm
It's been a while. I'm not dead (surprisingly) and have completely changed what I'm planning to do next year yet again (unsurprisingly).
So now the current haphazard life plan has me studying again next semester lmao. IDK how I ended up back at what was the original plan but here we are.
The problem with this plan is that I don't know if life seems slightly more tolerable at the moment because I'm just happier or because I'm not dealing with the extra stress of studying. And if it just is because I'm not studying at the moment then we're gonna have problems because if I fail more than half my subjects again I'm going to get kicked out of uni.
But anyway. Going to be in Melbourne from next week until new years ish. Going to be strange living with my family again bets on how many times they get my name wrong? but it will be nice to see my pets again. And also there's this book at the state library that I was reading last summer and didn't manage to finish before I moved to canberra and I would love to actually read the last few chapters haha. Also will hopefully get to spend some time with my little brothers but they're getting all grown up now so idk how that will go. Going to move into a sharehouse next year rather than returning to fenner because cheaper + less fire alarms (hopefully none) + no pressure to study full time if I end up dropping subjects again.
I'm not leaving Canberra until Tuesday and I think I might just about be the last person left in Fenner by then. So many people have left already - it's very nice having kitchens that are actually useable again. Less nice that the fire alarms have picked the last couple of weeks to return in force.
I'm taking my bike with me to melbourne (even though I've probably already spent more on transporting my bike back and forth between melbourne and canberra than it's actually worth haha) but I'm quite attached to it so I went to get a box from a random bike shop today to pack my bike into and carried the box - which is close to 2m long - back on a bus which was very amusing.
I've barely started packing my stuff and it's kinda just all over my floor at the moment, but then I do still have a week to do it. I'm going to chuck most of my stuff into storage over summer but I haven't organised that yet but really probably should do it soon.
I really want to go for a swim in the lake before I go back to melbourne - I'm thinking maybe on Friday given that seems to be the hottest day this week. I'm probably going to get very sunburnt again though. I should really hurry up and figure out how to french braid my hair so it doesn't get too knotted - I'm getting slightly better at it, now it only looks like one bird has made its home it in rather than 10.
I was going to write something else but I got distracted arguing with someone on fb (it wasn't much of an argument - the only claim I made the entire time is written in very unambiguous terms on the governments document about it hahahah) but anyway now I can't remember what else I was going to say so that'll do for now <3
Post by: Bri MT on November 27, 2019, 09:53:45 pm
I hope you do go for that swim in the lake & that living with your family again surpasses your expectations.
Post by: PhoenixxFire on February 27, 2020, 06:21:12 pm
The last few months have been fun. And by fun I do of course mean decidedly horrible. I was going to go stay with my family over christmas/new years but that went super badly so I ended up leaving again before christmas, spent christmas and new years housesitting in canberra looking after a very good doggo named Riggy and suffocating in the smoke. Stayed at various places between leaving there and the end of Jan because I have no organisation or planning skills, moved into a sharehouse at the end of Jan which is cool, even comes with a stray catto who likes to pretend that this is his home. Have also spent the last couple of months fighting centrelink (and them managing to mess something up pretty much every time I called them and then me having to call them extra times and ugh) but that's finally all sorted now I think and they approved my application to be assessed as independent so I don't have to talk to my parents anymore yay.
Finally went to go see a doctor again #ResponsibleAdult. She's a heap better than previous dr so thank fuck for that. She gave me anti depressants that knocked me out for about a week haha but I'm awake again and I'm not sure if that's a good thing, sleeping was kinda nice.
I've just finished my first week of uni for the year, don't have classes on friday this week but I will from next week. I'm doing three courses this semester, two of which are first year enviro courses, and a second year biol course. My only compulsory classes are on Wednesday and Friday. Wednesday I have a two hour tutorial, one hour break, then a 3 hour prac so that won't be super fun. Friday I have a 3 hour prac (which is either statistics or a field trip) then a two hour break and then a tutorial for the same class which sounds equally exhausting.
envs1001 - this course seems like it's going to be a bit like vce outdoor ed. It's called geography of sustainability and is about relationships between people and environments. There's an oral presentation as part of the assessment which is yikes.
envs1003 - this is an environmental statistics course. The convenor spent a lot of the first lecture trying to convince us that statistics aren't scary. I remain unconvinced.
biol2161 - this is about replication and expression of genes, a lot of the stuff we've done this week feels very repetitive, especially given first year biol was a prereq for it, but it's meant to go more in depth than what I already know so hopefully it actually does.
Most worried about passing envs1001 because it is largely based around essays and writing makes me panic. envs1003 also has a fair bit of writing but the marks are more spread out across multiple tasks. biol2161 is largely assessed through tests but there are also a few prac reports throughout the semester which hasn't exactly gone well for me in the past.
Hopefully this semester goes at least slightly better than the last, but that's not exactly a very high bar to be setting haha
Post by: PhoenixxFire on March 06, 2020, 06:21:00 pm
I skipped a fair few lectures this week and have 5 hours of recording to watch y a y (I should only have 4 but one of my lecturers was sick, so it's not entirely my fault). With any luck it should be fairly easy to watch them all this weekend (unsarcastic yay for 3 day weekends) so hopefully won't be starting next week already behind. Yesterday was shit & so was this morning and I didn't go to my first practical for one of my classes. It's compulsory so oops. But also it was a computer prac not a field trip one and the content for it is online and it's compulsory but not automatic fail if I don't attend sort of compulsory so it could have been worse.
I've been sleeping incredibly badly this week. I go to sleep early enough (mostly) and wake up late enough, but it's either constant nightmares or being wide awake at 3am which is quite unpleasant. Haven't been exercising this week, which tends to help with sleep, but I'm not sure which is cause & which is effect. It's been raining pretty much constantly for the last few days which hasn't helped, although it seems to have finally stopped.
I somehow managed to do both of the scary things that I had to do today - I finally got my student card replaced (after 6 months lmao) so it has my correct name on it ("approx 15 min wait time" turned into 45 min but that's fine), they didn't even make me pay the replacement fee which was nice and somehow actually called back the people that my doctor referred me to which is wild because I really didn't think I'd actually do it given how much I hate phone calls.
Next week would be the first week with all my classes running, but Monday is a public holiday so it isn't. First week with a bio lab, I'm very anxious about that. Labs are a whole lot scary (and the reports I have to write afterwards even more so).
Trying to just go week by week and hoping that so long as I'm all caught up before the next week starts then it'll be okay, but that's easy to say when I haven't gotten any assessments yet.
Post by: PhoenixxFire on March 13, 2020, 03:30:38 pm
Spent this morning walking (more accurately, climbing, given steepness) around Black mountain using trigonometry to measure the height of trees (turns out you can actually use math in real life). Was super worried about this because I can't identify tree species at all and we had this long list of eucalypts we were meant to be able to identify but turns out only two of those species were actually there lmao.
In my other enviro class we've had three different tutors over three weeks because mine's been sick which is a bit annoying.
It's the end of week 3 which means all my classes suddenly have assignments due - I have a quiz to do this weekend, a 1000 word essay plan to write for my sociology/enviro class due at the end of march, and an introduction (which I hate writing because doing the referencing is awful) for my enviro statistics class. So that's gonna be fun. Don't think I know 1000 words and there isn't any topic where I have that much to say (the actual essay is 2000 words, just the plan is 1000) so that's fun.
I went to all my compulsory classes this week but skipped a few lectures - mostly bio ones. Don't think I'm gonna go to bio ones from now on, the lecturer spends ages going over things we learnt last year and then skips through new things too fast for me to make notes so it's easier to just watch the recordings (...if I can manage to actually watch them haha).
This week has been a bit better than last week most days, but yesterday was fkn awful. I don't know why but it seems to be a pattern that Thursdays are bad :(
There's rumours floating around that anu might shut down as we've just had the first case of covid19 confirmed in the ACT. At the moment it's just that one case so hopefully that'll be a while off. I'd expect that all my classes will switch to online only if that happens so at least we'll be able to keep studying but being stuck inside and alone for weeks on end will probably be really shit for my mental health so hopefully it doesn't happen for too long.
Post by: PhoenixxFire on March 17, 2020, 07:15:51 pm
Basically the situation at my uni at the moment is very disjointed between different colleges - CECS and JCOS are so far having the worst response - and all of my courses are JCOS.
We've been told this week that all lectures will be online only from next week.
For ENVS1003 tutorials and practicals are continuing this week, cancelled next week, and then will be online after that. Originally they were going to try and continue them for a bit but with extra measures like holding tutes outside and using multiple computer labs so that we can spread out but students were a bit worried and the convenor is actually decent so it's going fully online.
ENVS1001 tutes are continuing with no change and the convenor is acting like it's still possible that our field trip in a few weeks will still go ahead - I don't see how it possibly could. Super annoying tbh. The tutes could easily be held via zoom like is being done for other courses.
Biol2161 - two of the lectures this week are online only, one isn't. I'm not really sure why (I think probably about what room they're in). Pracs are going ahead for now which I think is very irresponsible especially given this course already has the ability to run without pracs as that's whats being done for students stuck in China (although obviously not as good as being able to do pracs). Any of you who've been in a uni lab will know how crowded they are and how much of a fkn joke it is that we've been told that it's fine to run labs so long as you practice social distancing - which is impossible to actually do in labs.
Next week my only class on campus will be a tute on Wednesday, assuming nothing changes before then.
Other colleges at anu have cancelled this weeks classes immediately and are moving fully online next week, but apparently jcos is a bit slow.
On one hand I'm glad that decisions have finally been mostly made, but I'm very much not going to enjoy being so isolated. If what's happening in Melbourne is anything to go by then libraries here will possibly close as well which will make things even worse. So far we haven't been told that the campus will close so it'll still be possible for me to go somewhere other than home at least, but that could change when we get more cases in Canberra. Fun times. I thought I'd enjoy the apocalypse more given how much I liked the movie Contagion.
Update a few hours later: The tute for envs1001 this week is now the last one before we move that online too. Field trip has been cancelled. The only in person classes that I have left for the semester are a few bio labs, if they don't get cancelled.
Post by: PhoenixxFire on March 18, 2020, 04:58:32 pm
Really unhappy that they’ve told us three different things in less than 24 hours for one of my courses, it’s quite ridiculous.
Also why the fuck are there no eggs in the entire shopping centre. How on earth can people still feel justified in panic buying. Makes me want covid to wipe out humanity.
Post by: PhoenixxFire on March 27, 2020, 04:39:50 pm
Haven't done much this week. It's been a bit shit, was finally getting a little less depressed but this virus and the isolation it's forcing upon me is certainly trying its hardest to undo that.
I've only got one more week of uni until 2 weeks holiday so I should really just try and focus and get through it but ugh. So many assessments due next week - bio report on Monday which I should have written this week but didn't (oops). It's not worth much but I should submit something at least so I can get some marks rather than just avoiding it and not submitting it at all like last year. Also have to write a 1000 word essay plan due at the end of the week which is big yikes and I'm really not keen on. It isn't worth much either but we get feedback on it to use for the actual essay which is worth a fair bit so should at least try. Also a couple of quizzes but they don't take long.
The two weeks holiday is gonna be shit tbh given I can't go anywhere and won't even have uni work to distract myself with.
Bit miserable atm but I did buy myself an inflatable kayak and maybe going for a paddle might make me slightly happier. All the extra stress and worrying has gotten me really tired again which is annoying because I've just started managing to sleep almost decently (still waking up 300 times during the night but at least I manage to get back to sleep now, my standards are low lmao).
Post by: PhoenixxFire on April 21, 2020, 04:39:58 pm
long time no see, just popping in with a quick update whilst I'm too drugged up to overthink it. Better hope the anxiety doesn't come back again cos I'm running out of PRNs
So when I said life's been a bit shit in my last post I was slightly understating it. The day after that I got myself a little trip to hospital and it was very convincingly suggested that staying for a couple of days so that I could have a break and talk to some doctors would be a good idea. 3 weeks and 3 different mental health wards across 2 hospitals later and here we are. To be fair I am feeling better than I have pretty much all year which is quite nice, as long as it doesn't all go to shit as soon as I get home which it hopefully won't but I'm not a very hopeful person.
Thank fuck for good nurses though. And good doctors. My dr at first hospital was great, not too fond of dr at second hospital but I complained about it to a heap of nurses and now they're being super helpful. And trying to get me to do my uni work :(
Went into hospital just before the week where all the major assignments for this half of semester are due so oops lol. Lots and lots of essays and reports to write. Pretty much caught up on lectures because that was the easy bit so I started there. Current plan is me getting to go home at the end of the week so I'll probably just keep delaying the work I don't want to do for a bit longer haha.
Still haven't gotten to use my kayak :(
Post by: J_Rho on April 21, 2020, 04:56:25 pm
To be fair I am feeling better than I have pretty much all year which is quite niceHey PF,
I don't think I've ever commented on your journal but its actually really interesting and its great you are feeling better than you have been, iso is making everything 100x harder :/
Also, think you should 100% show us your new kayak! (and you can get so many good photos too, some of my favourite photos I've taken have been sunsets from a kayak)
Post by: PhoenixxFire on April 21, 2020, 05:07:25 pm
Also, think you should 100% show us your new kayak! (and you can get so many good photos too, some of my favourite photos I've taken have been sunsets from a kayak)Oh that is absolutely the plan once I can actually use my kayak. Keen to go paddling around where I normally cycle to to watch the sunrise. Gonna be a bit chilly now that I’ve been stuck in hospital through the last of the warm weather (although we have a little courtyard with fake grass and I’ve been spending too much time lying in the sun haha)
Post by: PhoenixxFire on May 09, 2020, 11:08:13 am
I'm out of hospital and in a residential mental health program. The plan is to attempt to catch up on uni and my course convenors and tutors have been very helpful so far. Not sure I'm going to actually manage to catch up though - at least not for all 3 subjects.
I'm feeling relatively okay now that I've settled in here a bit but one of the people I was in hospital with got discharged yesterday and then was feeling very hopeless. I have a newly found hatred of the canberra and nsw mental health phone lines - they were worse than useless and we ended up just calling 000 ourselves. It was very strange being on the other side of a mental health crisis for a change. It's kinda destroyed the plans I had to get some study done this weekend though because I spent all of last night calling various crisis lines trying to get someone to actually go help her and then trying to help someone else in the Program who I was in hospital with and who knew this person better than I did. We still have no idea if she's safe or not which is obviously not all that pleasant.
tbf I'm coping with it way better than I would have a month ago and it's really showing me how much the hospital stay helped.
Hopefully I'll get some uni work done this weekend - my plan at the moment is to just focus on bio cos it doesn't make me panic anywhere near as much as my other two subjects which both have essays that need writing.
We went to visit an animal sanctuary yesterday before everything happened with the person we knew from hospital which was great fun. I went right near some kangaroos and one of the came over and looked like it was trying to sniff me and my heart melted. Also I got attacked by a herd of sheep because i was holding bread that they wanted and got to meet the most adorable baby goat named betsy, who wouldn't let me take a good pic with her but one of the older goats was more cooperative.
(https://i.imgur.com/fEGb74E.jpg)
Also I cut my hair above shoulder length for the first time a few days ago and I loved it but then I got sick of it and cut it all off this morning. I liked how it looked better when I had the just above shoulder length hair but it feels so much more comfortable now and that's more important to me.
Still haven't gotten to use my kayak but I'm thinking I'll have a go at it tomorrow as long as nothing comes up before then.
Post by: PhoenixxFire on May 19, 2020, 07:21:42 pm
I dropped out of uni. Not necessarily permanently, but tbh I doubt I'll go back to this course.
Lots of *fun* things have been happening in the residential program I'm in. And by fun things I mean they fired my key worker. So now I have to talk to yet another new person. I think I'm up to at least 25 now just since I've been admitted to hospital. I wish I was exaggerating. 9 of them were doctors. Now I don't know much about medicine but repeating myself to 9 different doctors within a couple of months seems a tad excessive. I'm so sick of repeating myself - all of these people have a copy of my medical history and the notes that the previous people wrote and yet I keep getting asked the same questions over and over and over again.
IDK what I'm really doing with my life, I mean I have some ideas but none I'm confident enough about to share (haha as if that's ever stopped me before). At the moment I'm just kinda chilling, I have group activities in the morning and then I just end up watching TV or napping in the afternoon - I'm about to run out of Brooklyn 99 episodes to rewatch and then idk what I'm gonna do.
One of the other people in the program with me who I was in hospital with before this - I'm just gonna call her K to save having to write that sentence again - took me to do some geocaching. We found a few of the normal ish ones but we also did this super cool 3 part geocache through stormwater tunnels. It was great fun after I got over my claustrophobia. The first part was relatively simple, but long. The second part had us crawling out through a tunnel half full of mud - K wore jeans, luckily I wore shorts and didn't get quite so muddy. The third part started with a little walk through shin deep water - not even my waterproof hiking boots could save me - but eventually we got to the end and found the cache and wrote our names on a small piece of disintegrating paper. Most fun I've had in months haha.
I had a chat to my new key worker today and they know I want to volunteer somewhere/do anything that involves not being in the house all day and I mentioned that the Vinnies near my house (but very far away from this house) was asking for volunteers so apparently we're going over there tomorrow. Such fun.
My previous key worker who got fired was also the one who knew the person who ran the animal sanctuary so now we don't get to go back there, and she had said that next time we went they were gonna let us hold the baby kangaroos. Now we just have silly social outings like painting by the lake :'(
I'm doing relatively okay at the moment. Like I'm not exactly happy or looking forward to life but I haven't tried to drown my sadness in alcohol since before hospital. baby steps.
Post by: PhoenixxFire on June 06, 2020, 01:26:16 pm
I'm back in hospital again. Such fun.
The residential program wasn't going well and I told them that the only reason I hadn't left already was because I didn't think I'd be safe at home and they were like yeah you should go to hospital. I had a psychiatrist appointment and she's the one that got me admitted which meant I got to skip emergency which was a massive improvement over last time. I spent a week in short stay and then I was going a bit crazy from being locked in that tiny space - they have an outside balcony that's about 1m X 2m and covered in a mesh cage lmao. I eventually started complaining a heap because I didn't want to be stuck in there for another long weekend so they moved me across to the other hospital (this is the one where I spent most of the time last admission), which is much more relaxed than short stay. I'm allowed to have my phone charger here - and my toothbrush - I have no idea why short stay wouldn't let me have my toothbrush, I guess some people are more creative than me.
I was actually meant to be put in this hospital in the first place but they have to put me in a single room because i'm trans and they didn't have any available :( They ended up putting me in a shared room but with no one else in the other bed, feels bad making it so there's one less bed but wasn't exactly my decision, I reckon they'll end up moving me if a single room is available before i get out.
I'm finding it super frustrating being back in hospital again because I actually want to be well enough to go home - last time I didn't care so it didn't bother me so much but I also know that things will go to shit very quickly if I go home atm. I don't really know what they're planning on doing with me - they were going to move me to the rehab hospital for a longer stay but there were no beds. Hopefully I don't have to stay here too long, I miss being able to go to the shops and buy all the donuts I want, but it did help last time and hopefully it'll help again this time.
Post by: Owlbird83 on June 07, 2020, 10:14:38 am
Post by: PhoenixxFire on June 26, 2020, 05:20:14 pm
I got discharged from hospital today. I'm back home for the first time in 3 months - I only lived here for two months before my first hospital admission so it's very strange being back here.
I'm feeling better than I have in a very long time, but it's also a bit weird being home by myself after being surrounded by people for a few months. As long as I avoid thinking about the future too much then I'm okay. If I start thinking too far ahead I end up spiralling down the old existence is pointless pathway which isn't good. Small goals. I have a couple of appointments next week, hopefully going to get to use my kayak for the first time sometime in the next week or so, I'm thinking I want to go for a nice bike ride and enjoy canberra views, and maybe go for a swim for the first time in ages. Hopefully coronavirus will be over enough for me to visit Melbourne in September. And that's as far ahead as I can plan at the moment without getting too panicky, it'll have to do for now.
Post by: vehura on June 26, 2020, 06:08:42 pm
I haven't replied here before, but as someone who's been reading this journal, it's really great to read that you're feeling better. Thinking about the future and just shit in general can definitely be overwhelming, so if you need to take things a day at a time, an hour at a time, or even a minute at a time, the world will go along with you. No matter how small or in whichever way, we're all here to support you. And I'm definitely looking forward to hearing about the long-awaited kayak trip! :D
Post by: PhoenixxFire on June 29, 2020, 09:50:17 am
photos
(https://i.imgur.com/HNpDonr.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/GJWXgcW.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/GJWXgcW.jpg)
I asked my landlord and she said I can get a dog as long as it doesn't annoy my housemates which is super cool - not really sure I'm sane enough to get one just yet, mostly because I don't have anyone to look after it if I have to go to hospital again, but it's nice knowing that it's an option.
My new phone should be arriving sometime today which is super cool - my phone is very much dead and should have been replaced a few months ago but it was difficult with being in hospital and everything.
It's getting lonely being home essentially alone (I don't really talk to my housemates) and I knew this would happen and it makes my anxiety worse, so I really need to organise to do some things. I'm planning on popping down to my local vinnies, hopefully today or maybe tomorrow if today gets bad, and asking about volunteering, hopefully they'll say yes so that I have something to do with my time. I'm also going to start volunteering for act wildlife which is cool, just have to call one of the people to get set up and phone calls make me anxious haha, but hopefully that'll be today or tomorrow as well.
I'm trying to organise to get a couch or an armchair or something in my room because I hate that I just end up sitting in bed all day (we don't have a living room), it's hard with not having a car though. A person on gumtree said they're willing to deliver, I'm just waiting to hear back on exactly how big it is, hopefully it'll fit through my doorway and hopefully they haven't given it to anyone else since yesterday afternoon because I had a bad afternoon and couldn't reply to their message then.
I've been thinking lately that I want to be a paramedic - it's the only career that I've ever thought of that I could actually imagine doing. Originally I was thinking that I'd move back to Melbourne at some point to do a degree for it but then I found out that nsw offers a 3 year traineeship instead of a degree which sounds great except for the living in sydney part. It's nice having some sort of idea of what I want to do in the future, but there's lots I'd need to do before then, like getting a license which is very difficult when I don't have anyone to supervise my hours.
Yesterday was difficult, mostly things get bad at night but it got bad early yesterday, probably because I didn't do anything to keep myself busy. I'm not very good at keeping perspective when I get sad and anxious, and I'm not good at remembering that I want to get better, but I woke up this morning feeling better than I did last night which is good.
Post by: PhoenixxFire on July 04, 2020, 04:59:32 pm
ED was way better than my first admission but the doctor in short stay was quite unpleasant which sucked and made me feel even worse. They transferred me to amhu (the more secure unit in canberra) which isn't a nice place but at least I was out of short stay and away from that doctor.
I think that experience might make me hesitate to call an ambulance if I need to again, which is super frustrating because I'd be quite dead if i hadn't called the ambulance this time. Just gotta make sure i have my breakdowns during business hours so I can go to the nicer hospital haha.
I'm always so keen to get out of hospital but then I get out and I'm like ugh life again. Think I'm gonna try and fix that by doing more fun things rather than by dying this time though.
I called the person I needed to call to get setup to volunteer for act wildlife but then he needed to call me back to finish it and I got admitted in between that so now I've got to call him again which is frustrating.
I'm also going to start volunteering for a mental health education in schools program which should be cool - I have the training for it in a couple of weeks.
Still waiting for the coronavirus stuff to end enough for me to be able to volunteer with st John's and Northside community services but that might be a while yet.
Post by: Bri MT on July 04, 2020, 09:09:26 pm
so proud of you for calling the ambulance, proud of you for calling about volunteering, proud of you for taking steps to protect yourself and build a better life.
The mental health education in schools thing sounds interesting, is that ongoing or more of a one-off workshop-y thing? (or something else?)
I'm always so keen to get out of hospital but then I get out and I'm like ugh life again. Think I'm gonna try and fix that by doing more fun things rather than by dying this time though.
<3
Post by: PhoenixxFire on July 05, 2020, 09:15:30 am
Said it before but it's worth reiterating:<3
so proud of you for calling the ambulance, proud of you for calling about volunteering, proud of you for taking steps to protect yourself and build a better life.
The mental health education in schools thing sounds interesting, is that ongoing or more of a one-off workshop-y thing? (or something else?)
<3
It's sorta ongoing. It's once a week for 3 weeks at a few different schools - 4 schools during term 3, unsure if it's also running in term 4.
Post by: PhoenixxFire on July 17, 2020, 04:05:28 pm
I've been out of hospital 7 days today which is the longest time I've been home since my first admission in march. It's weird that time seems to go so ridiculously slowly when I'm at home and yet somehow it's already been a year and a half since I finished high school??
I'm kinda low key avoiding my support worker - she's texted me a couple of times but I haven't replied, tbf I've ended up in hospital after our last 2 appointments lol but I should really probably reply, it can wait until after the weekend though (or it's going to regardless of whether it can or not).
I'm actually doing okayish at the moment - at least if we ignore all the bad days then I am haha. That's probably only because I haven't been doing anything except watching netflix and going climbing up hills and remembering how unfit I am after 2 months in hospital. If I try and do anything then I get super anxious and that makes everything get bad and I still don't know how to deal with that except hospital or mental health triage who have invariably called an ambulance for me if I call them. So still just avoiding everything, even the support worker who's meant to be helping me with not being so anxious and not being in hospital all the time and stuff. At least I can get through the days when I don't have any expectations or anything I have to do.
I'm seeing my psychiatrist on Thursday, with any luck I won't be back in hospital before then, one visit between appointments is plenty.
Post by: PhoenixxFire on August 07, 2020, 12:47:10 pm
I'm not doing great but at least i haven't been dragged back to hospital again.
There's lots of things going on at the moment - i'm about to start seeing two new mh services and im getting a new psychiatrist (sad because I liked my old one). It's all a bit stressful and it's making me quite anxious - it's also my birthday soon and that's not helping because I've never really intended on being alive this long ya know.
Hopefully I'll actually go to all the appointments I have next week. Very tempting to just lie in bed all day instead but probably not a good option.
Post by: Poet on August 07, 2020, 01:55:29 pm
hello long time no seeHello pal, good to see an update.
I'm not doing great but at least i haven't been dragged back to hospital again.
There's lots of things going on at the moment - i'm about to start seeing two new mh services and im getting a new psychiatrist (sad because I liked my old one). It's all a bit stressful and it's making me quite anxious - it's also my birthday soon and that's not helping because I've never really intended on being alive this long ya know.
Hopefully I'll actually go to all the appointments I have next week. Very tempting to just lie in bed all day instead but probably not a good option.
I know how hard this is, especially as you near your birthday. I was admitted to hospital on mine because it was so bad. Just letting you know that although it's hard to think that you're still here when you don't want to be, I'm so proud of you for it; and for letting us know what's going on. Getting out of the house even for a few minutes is helpful, so I hope your anxiety is manageable in the coming week and that being outdoors gives you a little bit of relief.
If you need any support, please let me know. I'll be here to hold your hand through the night when you want the company.
Love you lots, Phoenixx. <3
Post by: PhoenixxFire on August 08, 2020, 02:08:08 pm
at least i haven't been dragged back to hospital again.Spoke too soon. I spent last night in hospital. Was feeling better this morning so I went home rather than get admitted, which was probably a good choice given I would have been stuck in ED for a good while if I'd chosen to stay - psych reg didn't think there'd be any mh beds until monday or tuesday at the earliest.
TBH I'm quite doubtful that I'll make it to my birthday without another trip down there - I've been so many times now that I recognise the turns into the hospital and know when we've arrived without looking out the window. I should really start just taking myself to hospital rather than calling access and spare myself the trips in an ambulance.
Still not doing great but it's these appointments coming up that are making it worse at the moment so hopefully once they're over it'll be a little less shit.
Post by: Bri MT on August 08, 2020, 02:24:01 pm
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Also going to point out that technically you weren't dragged unless I've really missed something there.
Hoping that after you pass your appointments things get a bit better and that after you pass your birthday and things get a bit better after again. <3
- mt
Post by: PhoenixxFire on August 13, 2020, 05:27:40 pm
The appointments are over. Until the next one. Which is on Monday. Fun. and then another 2 the week after that. and another new person who's probably going to contact me next week. and i'm expecting a call about another appointment that i have to do with another new person except she was supposed to call yesterday so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
One good thing to come out of all this is that one of the new people I had to meet this week organised to get me a medical exemption from centrelink's wonderful mutual obligations. It's only for a month but she seemed to think I'll get another one when I go to see my new psychiatrist in a couple of weeks. So at least now I don't have to deal with the lovely and welcoming organisation that is the salvos. Yes that was sarcasm. They're a fkn terrible organisation.
I don't have much else to say, mostly because I do nothing with my life, and I'm very bored. But also too anxious to do much, which unfortunately has started to include posting on here, the bio thread has begun to look like a scary stranger to me.
I really need to find something to do with my time and various people agree that animals would be good but I keep getting too anxious to do anything much. One of the people from my appointments this week suggested offering to take neighbours dogs for walks and that's probably easier anxiety wise than joining a structured program so it's probably something I should do.
Post by: PhoenixxFire on August 19, 2020, 09:05:14 am
I have an appointment with another new person today and two appointments with new people on Thursday and friday next week. Funsies.
Gonna go bake some cookies now cos I'm bored and figure it's probably slightly better than just buying myself a box of cookies.
It's getting warm again which is super strange because I've been in hospital so much this year that winter and autumn felt like they were only a month long each.
Post by: Poet on August 19, 2020, 10:26:55 am
It's my last day of being a teenager. How weird. Birthdays tend to be a bad time for me mh wise and the last week or so has been no exception but it looks like I'll actually make it to 20 without another trip to hospital.Send cookie pics :-*
I have an appointment with another new person today and two appointments with new people on Thursday and friday next week. Funsies.
Gonna go bake some cookies now cos I'm bored and figure it's probably slightly better than just buying myself a box of cookies.
It's getting warm again which is super strange because I've been in hospital so much this year that winter and autumn felt like they were only a month long each.
All the best for your appointments - I hope they go well, and meeting with new people gets less intimidating.
I won't wish you a happy birthday - because it isn't, really - but I do wish you an OK day. Tomorrow doesn't have to be a celebration, but you are appreciated and loved so much, and I'm so proud of you for how you've coped this week.
Sending lots of hugs and kitty cuddles from me and Jazzy <3
Post by: PhoenixxFire on August 21, 2020, 03:52:25 pm
Funsies. I almost feel like a real adult.
I've been doing a bit more thinking about life things and I'm thinking I might study paramedicine/nursing at ACU next year.
Benefits being that I can stay in canberra and it's probably a better option than just hoping to get into paramedicine than vocational entry.
Downsides being going to a catholic uni as a very queer person and risking failing uni again.
I think it's probably going to be the best of the available options though. I'm quite sure that I have no interest in going back to ANU and continuing my current degree.
Also hopefully going to finally get my learners soon - that's what one of the calls this morning was about but they said they'd call me back and they haven't, maybe I should try emailing instead. Look at me being a responsible adult and actually attempting to call first rather than just emailing and hoping for the best. It's a bit frustrating that I didn't get my learners last year before the law here changed to require a 100 hours and a year on learners before I can get my Ps. It would have been much easier for me if I'd gotten it last year but I was just way too depressed and anxious and a bit of a fkn mess (still am).
Apparently the ACU campus in canberra has a pool and ngl that is definitely a point for going back to uni, I miss swimming.
I've got my case manager and my support worker coming along to my appointment with my new psychiatrist on Thursday. Gonna be a packed room lol
Look at me making plans for the future like I'm a sane person who intends to live their whole life. I guess that's progress of some sort.
Post by: PhoenixxFire on September 17, 2020, 04:19:57 pm
(https://i.imgur.com/WcqkNMi.jpg?1)
Post by: K888 on September 17, 2020, 05:28:43 pm
In b4 PF starts an etsy store ;)
Post by: PhoenixxFire on September 17, 2020, 05:29:33 pm
Absolutely love this! Glad you've found something you enjoy <3Too late :p
In b4 PF starts an etsy store ;)
Post by: PhoenixxFire on September 26, 2020, 12:04:38 pm
Lowkey got kicked out because they needed beds for people coming in over the weekend lol.
Kinda annoying because the shitshow that is my supposed community support hasn't been sorted out at all. They tried to change my case manager because the mess last friday was because of her being shit but that didn't happen because of too much demand on the system etc. so I'm back with my only community supports being her and the psychiatrist through the same organisation which is very annoying.
They took me off a lot of my meds this admission so now I'm more awake during the day but it's even harder to sleep.
I don't really know what I'm gonna do now. I'm so fkn sick of hospital for obvious reasons but my community support is non-existent and I'm still sad all the time and everything is hard.
I'm borrowing a cat for a week in a couple of weeks so that'll be cool. I can pretend that I'm not so lonely. Also fluffy. I'm also meant to be looking after a couple of different cats over christmas/new years but I've got to get there first. IDK I'm just really tired atm, I suspect this mood is because they've lowered my anti-depressant but I didn't get the chance to talk to my fav psychiatrist about it before I got discharged.
Post by: PhoenixxFire on October 13, 2020, 05:38:57 pm
I just enrolled in paramed/nursing for next year so I guess this is sorta a uni journal again. Contact hours seem way lower than what I had at anu which is a little weird. I also got my updated birth certificate in the mail yesterday which is super cool and now I get to waste my money on getting a pretty commemorative certificate because I'm an adult and I can make silly decisions like that. Also got a bunch of new coloured cords and made more bracelet designs which was fun - just gotta get people to actually buy them haha.
I don't remember what else I was gonna say. I looked after a dog named balgo and a cat named walnut. They were very adorable. It's getting way warmer now which is making me sleepy but it's making my garden pretty.
I sent a text to my case manager (community mental health nurse) basically just complaining about everything. She did say that I don't express myself enough so she was kinda asking for it lol. She called me on Friday to say that she'd gotten my text and said she'd call me this week to figure out what to do now but she hasn't yet so I guess I'm still just waiting.
I'm doing okay at the moment - keeping busy(ish) helps. Should really stop spending so much of my money on pizza and actually cook some more though. Or like actually eat the food I've already cooked lol.
Post by: Bri MT on October 13, 2020, 06:52:52 pm
Have you got any pets lined up?
Good luck for the convo with your cm, hopefully she takes what you've said on board as something to learn from.
Do you have many easy recipes to add to the ease of food prepping/cooking? I feel like I've asked this before but I can't remember the answer rn
Post by: K888 on October 13, 2020, 06:59:53 pm
Do you have many easy recipes to add to the ease of food prepping/cooking? I feel like I've asked this before but I can't remember the answer rnNow PF is enrolled in uni again they must subsist entirely on pasta. It is the uni student code.
Post by: PhoenixxFire on October 13, 2020, 07:06:16 pm
Congrats on the course!A cat for a bit in november and december, possibly housesitting in late december and early january, and I'm meeting someone on friday about looking after her dog for a few days over the weekend.
Have you got any pets lined up?
Good luck for the convo with your cm, hopefully she takes what you've said on board as something to learn from.
Do you have many easy recipes to add to the ease of food prepping/cooking? I feel like I've asked this before but I can't remember the answer rn
I'm thinking I'll make a quiche or a slice of some sort but idk what else.
Now PF is enrolled in uni again they must subsist entirely on pasta. It is the uni student code.I haven't bought any pasta since I moved out. (mostly because my brother used to make it almost every night and I got sick of it.
Post by: sweetiepi on October 13, 2020, 07:24:40 pm
Now PF is enrolled in uni again they must subsist entirely on pasta. It is the uni student code.I thought it was 2min noodles? Or have I done uni wrong this whole time :P
Also I'm keen for more animal adventures and your next steps with uni, Morgan! 🥰
Post by: PhoenixxFire on December 05, 2020, 06:41:13 pm
I guess a bit has happened since I last posted here but also lots of nothing and the same shit over and over again.
I've only been in hospital once since that OD admission at the end of september and it was just an overnight stay in ED (they moved me to the nice and quiet emu in the morning after i spent the whole night awake in acute). I really wasn't doing well when I went in and I really wasn't any better when I came out but it reminded me of how much i dislike ending up there so maybe it had some value lol.
More importantly my useless clinical manager (aka community nurse aka the person whose job it was to try and keep me out of hospital) went and discharged me on the basis of a bunch of bullshit that never happened and them refusing to give me referrals because they thought I wouldn't attend even though I went to every single appointment I've had organised for mh this year. Can you tell I'm still angry at them?
Anyway they discharged me so then I was back to having no community supports at all. Someone from HAART (mental health crisis - CATT for you victorians) was all like oh no and she's like I'll make sure we organise some support for you...so she tried to refer me back to the same community team that had just discharged me so that they could refer me to another team (which they had already refused to refer me to). Big surprise, the community team wouldn't accept the referral. And the only way to get a referral to the therapies team is with a community manager.
So then they decided to get me in to see the psych reg who works for HAART. Now this appointment is on the opposite side of canberra - which may not sound like far but its one and a half hours each way by bus. So I'm like fine, I've gotta see someone. So I go to this appointment and the entirety of her plan is to refer me to the therapies team. Yes the same team that haart already tried and failed to refer me to. The same team that tch inpatient tried and failed to refer me to. The same team that I need to have a community manager to access - the only community team available to me has already discharged me and rejected a referral back to them. What a good use of over 3 hours. Needless to say I was a little pissed by this point.
Anyway amongst this I went to see a new GP and she reckons I should apply for NDIS funding because then I can get a private psych and support worker and avoid all the public system bs - but she wants a letter from a psychiatrist for that and this public psychiatrist was not interested and private psychiatrists in canberra take $600 and months.
So that's about where all the mh stuff is up to. Good times. Christmas is never a good time and i reckon I might end up with another pointless trip to hospital again (but hey maybe they'll try referring me to the therapies team for a 4th time!!)
Also apparently I have no iron which explains why I can't stay awake lately - not that I mind, being conscious isn't all that fun but GP told me to take an iron supplement which just made me throw up for days which was unpleasant.
I think that's probably all I have to say idk. I don't do much except get annoyed at various clinicians and the uselessness of public mh services (and especially canberra ones). I don't really know what the plan is from here. I'm meant to be getting a call from haart sometimes this weekend. Maybe they'll get to tell me that the referral has failed for the third time. That'll definitely be a surprise ::) But idk. I've tried all of the public mh services in canberra that I, 2 GPs, 2 mh units, pacer, and various mh nurses and psych regs in ED could think of and they've all either told me to go see someone else instead or been useless so I'm a bit out of ideas.
Post by: PhoenixxFire on January 02, 2021, 03:50:40 pm
I haven't been in hospital for the whole year!
haha cos it's only been 2 days
So I decided I didn't like the number 9 and went and made it a nice even 10 trips to hospital for 2020. I was in hospital over christmas and just got let out on new years eve. They gave us nice soap for christmas but even that doesn't help the stink when you've been wearing the same clothes for a week lol. They also gave us presents on the 30th?? better presents then they gave us on christmas??? and christmas crackers which they didn't give us on christmas????
Anyway they're trying to refer me to the same community team again for the 3rd time since they (the community team) discharged me. It has yet to work.
2020 was a strange year for me in a different way than it was strange for most people - I spent over a quarter of it in hospital. Canberra hasn't been affected by covid anywhere near as much as Melbourne and Sydney but what little effect there was I mostly missed as I spent april-june across various mental health facilities. I spent both easter and christmas in hospital - not that I would have celebrated them anyway but it's weird to just entirely miss major events like that.
In a way nothing happened this year. Comparing now to February, I'm in the same house, I haven't progressed at uni, I don't have any work or volunteering or hobbies different than what I did then. But so, so much has changed about the way I see life. About 368 days ago a very good friend of mine called a mental health team on me. And that's how I started last new years. Stayed up and watched the fireworks, had mental health folks show up at my door at 9am on Jan 1. It's sorta funny that that all started on Jan 1 and now I got discharged from hospital on Dec 31.
I remember that they asked me about past suicide attempts. At the time that question made me so anxious that I was unable to answer it. Now it's just a routine question that I can discuss perfectly fine and that really shows me how different my perspective on mental health is now to then.
About 279 days ago that same friend called an ambulance for me. Unfortunately it came with a side of cops
If they hadn't done that, I don't think I'd be alive today. I don't think that was the day that I was closest to killing myself but it meant that when that day came I was able to call an ambulance for myself. Turns out the first thing they ask is for your address and phone number and they don't say "what is your emergency". I was unprepared
This year I went from wanting help but being too scared to ask for it and not thinking I deserved it, through periods of feeling so bad that I didn't want to feel better anymore, to now (mostly) being able to ask for help (although I'm still very bad at it when it's not crisis level bad).
IDK what the point of this post is, everyone else was doing it though. It's been a year. Hopefully the new one will involve less hospital and more passing uni but if not then I hope I can see the world a little bit differently next year than I do now.
Post by: Bri MT on January 02, 2021, 07:54:45 pm
TW: not surprising if you've read the rest of my journal but this post discuss mental health and suicide.
I haven't been in hospital for the whole year!
haha cos it's only been 2 days
So I decided I didn't like the number 9 and went and made it a nice even 10 trips to hospital for 2020.
I enjoyed reading these.
I was in hospital over christmas and just got let out on new years eve. They gave us nice soap for christmas but even that doesn't help the stink when you've been wearing the same clothes for a week lol. They also gave us presents on the 30th?? better presents then they gave us on christmas??? and christmas crackers which they didn't give us on christmas????
New years generally feels more celebratory to me than Christmas but I've never associated it with presents.
I haven't progressed at uni
This feels like a good time to wish you luck for your new course!
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It's sorta funny that that all started on Jan 1 and now I got discharged from hospital on Dec 31.
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I somehow missed the poetic nature of this until you mentioned it but yes.
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Post by: PhoenixxFire on January 02, 2021, 07:56:38 pm
Nah jk I googled it.
Post by: PhoenixxFire on January 25, 2021, 08:21:52 pm
First one they discharged me the same day and I was back the next day. Then they put me into a ward that had been converted from medical to mental health in under 24 hours and wasn't really any safer than home. Third time they threatened to put me in hdu, supposedly because I wouldn't be safe in short stay, ldu, or calvary, but they didn't detain me and let me go home because that wasn't actually why they wanted to put me in hdu, it was just their cover.
The psych consultant that I saw the second and third time just had it out for me I think. She got angry at me for not looking at her when I don't much look at anyone and also i have a n x i e t y. Then she lied to me then lied about lying to me and walked out of a review because I couldn't decide if I wanted to stay in hospital or go home (neither, i wanted to die, the whole fkn point of me going to hospital is because I can't keep myself safe, that's your job useless doctor.) Then she told the nurse and security guards that I was on an order (turns out I wasn't), told me that I was going to hdu and didn't have a choice (I did because I wasn't on an order) - I was a voluntary patient which means she had to get my consent to be admitted which she didn't do and instead claimed i had no choice in it and that I would be going despite me being *very* clear about not wanting to go.
In amongst all this I was told I wouldn't be getting a case manager then told by staff at the hospital that they were giving me a case manager and they'd been trying to contact me for days - they hadn't. I even showed them my phone records and they still didn't believe me. And this case manager was the person who had managed to call me just fine the previous week to say they weren't giving me a case manager.
In amongst all this the house I was meant to be moving into burnt down. Now i'm moving into a different new place. And landlord kinda hates me cos I told him I don't have pets (I don't) and then told him I wanted to get an assistance dog which he's not happy about but it's a fixed term lease so he can't do shit. Unfortunately new place is still in the catchment area for the shittiest community mh team in canberra so I've entirely given up on the public system.
Yay time to try the private system - oh wait now I have no gp because she left the clinic I was going to and was the only gp at that clinic. Second time in under 12 months that my gp has left. Now I've gotta try and find a third one. Love me some continuity of care. And the list of things I need a doctor to do is growing by the day. There's the referrals for mh services, paperwork for uni, ndis, and (hopefully) getting an assistance dog. Also my meds are not fkn working but I probably need to see a psychiatrist for that. Oh wait I live in Canberra that'll cost me $500 and the nearest appointments will be in 6 months.
So um yeah I'm doing pretty fkn terribly.
And also after the fkn terrible experiences at hospital this year I'm not even sure I want to work in healthcare anymore, and even less so in Canberra. And having that plan was kinda the only thing keeping me anywhere near sane. Funsies.
And also because of terrible times at hospital recently I really really don't want to go back there regardless of how suicidal i get. And at the moment it's bad enough almost every night that I'd otherwise go to hospital. So that's fun. It's really fkn hard to convince myself that there's any point being alive, and the reason that I thought I had for being alive are slipping away. All I want is one single person who's actually on my side and will help me and who I can actually access. Who would have thought that's too much too ask.
Post by: PhoenixxFire on January 27, 2021, 04:17:30 pm
I barely slept last night (cos I slept most of the day yesterday) and I woke up way early. I still had shit to pack and I was out of sticky tape and I'm super lazy so I was like I'm gonna get it delivered from the reject shop. Turns out they don't deliver until 10 so fine less lazy now I have to actually go to the shop (still lazy, I took the bus when it's a 10min walk). Got my sticky tape, got home around 9. Coolio movers are coming between 9-12 and they're gonna call beforehand.
Next minute there's a truck reversing into my front yard and it's only 9:30...and I hadn't finished packing oops. Turns out I managed to miss their call, not sure how. So I hurriedly packed the last few boxes, helped them lug it all onto the truck, my fridge and freezer are still full of food that I intended to pack just before they arrived but oh well. Then I had to get an uber over to new place to unlock the door for them and that took 3 attempts because this fkn guy kept accepting it despite being ages away and having a passenger. So then I get to new place, lift heavy boxes yet again, funsies. Make a massive mess of my new room (half my shit is still in the living room).
Bump into one of the people I'm living with who I haven't met yet, say hi and introduce myself, she gives me an awkward smile and doesn't say anything (mood). Continue unloading shit, get a phone call from some legal office, luckily not meant for me.
Realise I need more coat hangers, get a call along the way from a guy at a post office at where I'm already heading about a parcel that doesn't have the street number on it. Buy my coathangers, collect parcel, start to go back home, realise I have a missed phone call, call them back, then go home with very sore feet.
Then I decided to turn my bed around in my room (that was a whole damn endeavour), then Narla's cuteness got too much and I applied to adopt her, then I cleaned all the shit off my bed and put sheets on it, then I gave up on unpacking and decided to eat chips and watch netflix.
I am tired. But in a good way for once. I think that's more shit than I've done for the entire year so far.
Post by: PhoenixxFire on March 24, 2021, 04:10:34 pm
I'm incredibly tired today. Just completely and utterly exhausted. And I know why. And it was my own doing. But damn I'm tired.
Going to get my blood sucked again soon to see what my iron is like. It was very low a couple of months ago and I've been on iron supplements since but I suspect it's done fuck all.
I started a new antidepressant in February and the difference it has made is enormous. I've been on the previous one for a year (and am still on it) and damn if I knew that there were meds that actually worked I would have been pushing to try different ones earlier. Being back at uni and actually having things to do is probably helping too but I know that's not all of it because there's been things that previously would have sent me into a whole breakdown that now just make it a shit day.
Being back at uni is nice too. The content is incredibly easy - completely different to when I was at anu. We go through things really slowly here which is at times frustrating - im learning osmosis and diffusion for the 20th time - but it's also good because it means I have time to try and focus on other things.
I still seem to never have any time though. I don't know where it all goes. But I'm getting the things done that I have to do and not hating anything too much (except for when I have to write essays). There's just all these other things that I want to do that I don't have the time (or money) for. Like almost a quarter through the year and I still haven't booked a single driving lesson. But they're expensive and it doesn't feel like a priority because I don't need a car now - but it is a priority because I need my license to be a paramedic.
Uni has been a bit triggering at times. Especially when we're learning about getting consent from patients and patient centered care and all that. I can't help but think how bs it is and how it is never applied in practice, at least not if you're a mental health patient.
IDK I don't think I have much else to say. I didn't get to go for a swim in the acu pool before they closed it cos not summer anymore which I am very sad about. I bought bathers and tried to but it kept being closed for maintenance and also I didn't try until march lol.
Still haven't got a dog. Still want one. But it's just so hard when I'm all alone and it would take up a lot of time that I don't really have.
Post by: PhoenixxFire on April 18, 2021, 08:21:03 pm
Life is shit and I am sad and lost. Since I last posted in here my landlord was a massive asshole and essentially kicked me out (and called me a drug addict and gave out my phone number and told my housemates that I have depression which meant they then blamed me for leaving the house a mess even though I didn't).
A few weeks ago I tried to kill myself and ended up in hospital in intensive care. It's not the first time but it was different this time and I have a lot of feelings about it that I can't quite seem to process and no one to talk to about it.
It feels like I don't have anything attaching me to the world at the moment. Not like in a life is meaningless way, more in a nowhere is home kind of way. I've never really had a house that felt like home but I've usually had something that was home, something that I could always return to, an anchor. And I don't think I do anymore.
IDK just feeling a little weird. Getting through each day is hard. And it feels like I can't even take breaks when I need them or take time out to ground myself because I have so much to catch up on and there's so many things that I still need to do, we're almost a quarter of the way through the year and I still haven't booked a single driving lesson. But I'm too busy playing catch up to have time to do the other things that I need to do and I know it's going to create more problems for me later but I can't really put the effort into avoiding next months problems when it takes all of my energy just to deal with todays.
Post by: PhoenixxFire on June 03, 2021, 07:00:48 pm
But I'm in hospital again. I knew it was coming. I never recovered enough after the latest suicide attempt to be able to keep on top of things for long.
I'm in the nicest of the 3 public psych wards in canberra (which isn't saying much lol). I've been here for almost 3 weeks.
I missed an essay deadline and my first OSCEs. I've since done the essay and it seems im going to be doing my osce at the end of june instead but that made my first week here even more stressful.
I've got an exam on the 10th, it's online but I'm still not sure how I'm going to do it logistically and also I haven't exactly been able to study. I've got an extension for an essay so it's now due the week after that, I'm trying not to think about that too much just yet.
The doctors are changing my main antidepressant from fluoxetine to venlafaxine (#venlafaxinegang doesn't have quite the same flair :() Apparently I officially have treatment resistant depression now that I'm on to my 4th drug combo lol.
I forgot that the docs here actually try to help rather than what they do at the other hospital which is just wait for the acute crisis to pass and then discharge you just for it to happen again because they've done nothing to help the underlying issues.
The Drs do seem to be trying. Which is a nice change, I haven't been on this ward for a year and was getting very exhausted by the nonhelp provided at the other ward.
They've been discussing putting me into a residential program again - they suggested the one I was in last year which I flat out refused because it was awful so they said maybe a new one that's similar but run by different people.
They also want me to have a case manager again, which unfortunately is location based so my only option is an org that was fkn awful on my repeated attempts to work with them last year.
I'm feeling a bit better now than a few weeks ago when I first came to hospital, I think it's more because their are actually people trying to help me this time rather than any specific thing they've done. Being in the other hospital often ends up making me feel worse because they always end up saying that my only options are nothing or things I've tried that haven't worked which just makes me feel even more hopeless whereas here they are still trying to come up with new things to try.
I'm a bit annoyed that I've been on fluoxetine for so long when it's been doing nothing, it's also related to TCH not having the capacity for helping properly. Coming off fluoxetine takes a couple of weeks so they just never bothered.
At the moment I'm just stuck in hospital whilst they wait for it to leave my system so they can put me on the new meds. The dr wants me to be a bit better before they send me home but I'm getting a bit sick of being stuck in here (like I know I still need to be here but like I have pakidges accumulating at the post office and I want to pick them up lol). But that's why they're looking at maybe sending me to a res program so that I still have the support but a bit more freedom. Doc said he'd see me again on Monday or Tuesday, so I doubt there's much chance of them letting me out before the end of next week at the earliest. And my exam in on Thursday. I wonder what ProctorU is going to make of me being in hospital and having nurses pop in for a chat and to check on me hourly lol.
I am actually kinda looking forward to the future, which is unusual for me. I think a lot of the time it's more that I just want to stop feeling so horrible but occasionally there's a bit of me that wants to get better so that I'm better not just so that I don't feel like this.
Post by: PhoenixxFire on June 11, 2021, 07:11:22 pm
There's calm, sadness, apocalypse, help, repeat, and :(
I just made a new playlist. It's called hope. It's fragile. It's a super thin blown glass statue that I'm terrified that I'm going to drop and shatter.
I haven't felt this okay in a long time. Not even earlier this year when I went 2 months without being in hospital and thought I was doing fine. I didn't realise at the time but looking back it's more similar to that period early in 2020 when I was just existing and not enjoying it.
Maybe my new antidepressant is working after all lol. For the first week I was on it I was more suicidal than I was the previous week and I almost decided to stop taking it.
I don't quite know what to do with this little spark of hope. I don't want it to go out from lack of oxygen or from strong winds and I don't know how to get that balance right. I have quite a history of getting it wrong. But I suppose I can only try.