Omg, I’ve been gone for sooo long, you guys must have thought I journeyed to a foreign land and had never come back. Anyways, I’m back!
Honestly, I’m feeling exactly how I thought I’d be feeling at this time: numb. I feel like I’m a very emotionless person and I don’t really feel the immense relief that many people feel after their exams. After my Psychology exam, I felt numb and I didn’t even feel stressed for any of my exams. I don’t know whether this is a gift or something to be worried about. Does it mean I ‘don’t care’ or is it because I’m ‘confident’ (whatever that means). I mean, I definitely feel unburdened and free like a bird but at the same time, I’m just like whatever. Maybe it’s because I’m so tired, I can’t feel anything or it’s the fact that I haven’t put as much effort into this year.
I don’t feel it now but there are moments when my heart starts racing super fast whenever I think about that day: 30th December. I know I should enjoy my life right now (13 years of schooling are done, for goodness sake! You should definitely celebrate that!) but I can’t help thinking about my ATAR. I’m 99.99% sure I won’t get a 99 ATAR and I don’t even know if I’ll get a 98 ATAR. Heck, I’m not even sure if I’ll get a 95 ATAR. I don’t think I put in the amount of effort that constitutes a 98 ATAR. All in all, that day’s going to be the scariest day of my entire life and I’ve had a lot of stressful stuff happen in my life. It all went downhill after lockdown started. Some of my teachers are like ‘whatever happens, we’ll be proud of you. You've had a tough year and you've endured so much' and I agree with them but not to a full extent. I don’t want to be like ‘yeah, this year was hard and so whatever ATAR I get, you did the best you could etc. It doesn't matter if I get a bad ATAR'. Because, I'm still going to be sad in the end and feel that I haven't worked hard. Like, although they endured a lot, there are going to be people who achieve really good scores for their subjects for instance. A lot of people I know say that they're expecting a sub 30 study score and end up with 45+ study scores but I don't think that's going to happen to me as I genuinely feel that I didn't put enough effort. However, thinking like this isn’t going to change the disappointment I feel when I receive that abysmal ATAR. But then again, I can’t really change that, can I? Oh, how I wish I could invent a time machine and travel back in time to the end of Year 10 and just do it all over again. That’s literally my biggest desire right now. This immense regret I have; some of you might think I’m being dramatic but I don’t think anything in my entire life will be worse than this.
Study score predictions (*cue deflated sigh*):Literature: 39
Okay, all my sac scores were in the 90s but everyone’s (in the cohort) scores were probs in the 90s as our cohort’s so strong lol. So, my sac scores are probably going to scale down. Also, we were allowed notes for all our sacs and we never had a real sac
I did minimal work for this subject throughout the year as I was only doing work whenever we had sacs; I wasn’t consistent. And I was reading critical articles like crazy in the month before my exam, making mindmaps when I should have been doing that throughout the year!! I’m honestly so surprised that I managed to nearly finish the answer booklet. I thought I wouldn’t be able to write two full essays, but I did and I’m happy about that.
Specialist Maths: 36
My sac scores aren’t that great (what a surprise) + I probably made a lot of silly mistakes. Exam 1 was disgusting with all that ugly algebra but exam 2 was much better. Although, I probably made very dumb mistakes so yay. Failure, here I come…
Psychology: 40
This exam was the hardest I had ever done. I found the MC much better than 2019. But, short-answer, wHaT? I actually died during that exam. My teacher talked to me afterwards (on the day of the lit exam, lol) and she was super sweet, asking me how I found it and how she wanted to check how I was doing. She agreed that it was hard which made me feel a tiny bit better after that horror, especially considering the fact that she’s been teaching Psychology for so long + she’s a VCAA assessor. Psychology is not easy. I didn’t even write enough for the last question. I was so pushed for time!! An issue I never had in my timed practice exams. This was the only exam I was genuinely ‘heart beating like a jackhammer’ nervous for and I still didn’t do as I wanted to (although let’s be honest, that didn’t happen for any of my exams).
Chemistry: 38
My sac scores are gross. My cohort’s extremely competitive but I really don’t know if sac scaling’s enough tbh. The exam was alright. It was a bit rushed in the end and I was writing as if my life depended on it, because let’s be honest, it does. Almost everyone I know hates Chemistry but I actually really enjoyed it and I loved the subject!
Well, I’m officially DONE with school. School was (wow, I can actually say that now) literally what defined me as a person. I didn’t have anything else and it was probably the most important thing to me. Now that it’s done, I feel empty. Like, a hollow shell. It’s as if I’m stepping into someone else’s life. Like, I’m actually going to be a uni student next year?!? UMMM, what? Anyways, I have a big list of all that I want to do:
Fun things
BINGE-WATCH ALL THE TV SHOWS I COULDN’T DURING EXAM REVISION. This is probably going to take up the bulk of my time. I’m literally addicted to tv and I don’t think that’s going away
- Skincare stuff
- Go on lots of walks. Maybe jog?
- GET FIT AGAIN. (I was actually in a really good shape pre-year 12 and I was really strong! But now, I’m a literal blob. Let’s change that)
- Look for a job
- DRIVING. (I haven’t even taken that computerised driving test thingy. I know, I’m terrible)
- Cook my fav dishes
- Try painting maybe?
- Learn new stuff
Also, I’m 99% sure I’m not getting into Med at Monash. I’m not being pessimistic, I’m being realistic. No, I’m not giving up! I’m still going to do interview preparation but I’m probably going to do Biomed at Melb/Monash or something and go from there. Hopefully at that time, I won't make the same mistakes and start early! Previously, I would have thought this was the end of the world, not getting into med. But honestly, it doesn't really spark any feelings of sadness, catalysing waterfalls of tears and disappointment. I feel normal. I’m still going to try my best to get in though! After all, there’s no harm in giving it your best shot!!
All the best to the Year 12s who haven’t finished their exams yet! Go and smash them! To the year 11s venturing into Year 12 next year: I wish you the best of luck.