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Author Topic: Free AOS essay Marking!  (Read 180295 times)

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jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #390 on: July 02, 2017, 11:12:50 am »
Could you please give me any feedback on my discovery essay and whether you think it would get 15/15 if I incorporate the question well?


Hey kb123! According to my spreadsheet, you only have enough posts to get either this or your Creative marked right now - Any preference as to which we tackle? You'll need 75 posts to get feedback on both ;D

DalvinT

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #391 on: July 03, 2017, 02:16:13 pm »
Hey guys! This is my AOS essay that I would be using for my trials! :) Not the exact question though, but I would adapt whatever I have to the question in the exam! :)
Please be really harsh with the feedback! I really want to improve as much as I can, since I know I'm pretty weak in the AOS module :(((
Thanks in advance! :D
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winstondarmawan

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #392 on: July 05, 2017, 01:29:48 pm »
Hello can someone please look at my response for this AOS comprehension Q:
Poem:
https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t34.0-12/19832406_1261315197327334_888664001_n.jpg?oh=ca86bedbdff1360c7fe3971b9fcf0948&oe=595D15DD
https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t34.0-12/19755940_1261315230660664_142058260_n.jpg?oh=c13716884208a8847794cd73441b8de9&oe=595DFD24
Question (Text 3 Poem):
https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t34.0-12/19668181_1261315243993996_658741520_n.jpg?oh=6a67dae79307c60b8e53685f2b404573&oe=595D17B8
My response: Through clever poetic techniques and a unique retrospective style of poetry, the persona effectively portrays the processes they had undergone which had led them to several intellectual self-discoveries. The rhetorical title “Who am I” is answered throughout the poem, and through the anaphora of “I am”, the persona refers to an extensive range of processes and discoveries which had resulted in a stronger understanding of them self. An intellectual discovery by knowledge of science is evident through the referencing of the composition of planets, in “ring around Saturn, spinning words as particles of ice and dust”. Thus, the juxtaposition is evident when the persona describes a religious allusion to the “Divine Presence”, a term used to refer to God. Thus, by comparison between science and religion, the persona encapsulates the range of experience and thoughts which had impacted on an understanding of themselves. Ultimately, the persona realises that there exists “different parts of me”, and through undergoing intellectual self-discovery, comes to terms of acceptance and answers the rhetorical question, “I AM, THAT, I AM”.

jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #393 on: July 05, 2017, 10:30:36 pm »
Could you please give me any feedback on my discovery essay and whether you think it would get 15/15 if I incorporate the question well?

Hey kb! I definitely can, essay is attached with feedback in bold:

Spoiler
An individual, through the process of discovery, has the potential to undergo profound development as their previous values and beliefs are challenged, and when they adapt to new experiences, expose previously concealed truths. Excellent introductory sentence. You'd want to make sure these broad ideas are honed into the specific question at hand. These revelations may be indicated in numerous ways, spontaneously or due to the nature of an individual’s environment, posing challenges from the outset which dictate the discovery process and subsequently, confronting situations may arise. Although these situations can challenge an individual, they inevitably lead to new understandings of both themselves and the world. Such ideas are demonstrated in Ernesto Guevara’s memoir “The Motorcycle Diaries” (2003) and Franz Kafka’s novella “Metamorphosis” (1912). Good introduction, provided you are ready to hone it in to whatever question you ask. I'd also like to see you go into the specific messages the composers of these texts are conveying to their audiences - You've gone over the ideas conceptually/broadly, a little breakdown of the purpose of each composer could be beneficial. Overall, excellent work :)

Exposure to new challenges provokes a parallel process of self-assessment, stimulating the development of new values. Tops. Guevara’s realisation of widespread suffering, entrenched poverty and its destructive impact is elucidated in his exploration of the “graveyards of the mines”, metaphorically and physically symbolising the hardships faced by the proletariat, enabling the expansion of his world views. Nice amplification, links the idea nicely to the text in a very thematic/composer driven way, rather than plot. Nice. Similarly, when Guevara is confronted with the symptomatic deformation of disease in Columbia’s native population, “like a scene from a modern drama”, the observational simile further develops the brutality of South American living conditions. Great work integrating the quote into your idea, hard to do! The epiphanic tone in “it is at times like this, when a doctor is conscious of his complete powerlessness, that he longs for change”, spotlights the development of Guevara’s moral principle and alighted sense of duty to make meaningful change. The construction of Guevara’s new value system based on fresh knowledge and understanding spurred the rectification of his past beliefs, conveyed when he ironically states “they were in love with Uncle Sam”, demonstrating Guevara’s loss of ignorance to the exploitive and damaging influence of the US on Latin America. Be sure to be making links back to what the audience learns about Discovery more broadly - You are analysing the intents of the composer brilliantly, be sure to link to the greater understanding the audience gains on Discovery, in a broader sense (beyond the context of the text). The animal imagery in “the bestial howl of the triumphant proletariat” further symbolises Guevara’s conclusive embracement of socialist ideology and contingent solidification of his developed beliefs and values. Harrowing experiences stimulate the construction of personal ideals and principles by challenging and ultimately reshaping perceptions of the world. This conclusion seems a little disjointed from the rest of the paragraph, try adjusting a tad: "Thus, it is clear how Guevrara conveys... (insert the idea you mention here).

Contrary to Guevara’s epiphanic transformation in his viewpoints, Gregor’s emotional discoveries lead to the development of pessimistic perceptions of himself. Be careful, you have swapped to talking about a character rather than a composer. You are shifting slightly into retell - Try to focus on the composer primarily. The symbolism of “Gregor pull(ing) the sheet down lower” represents the protagonist’s decreasing level of self-respect revealed to be a consequence of his metamorphosis, whereby Gregor’s resentment of his family, a synecdoche for society as whole, catalyses his isolation from mankind. Good analysis again, but again, what does the audience realise about Discovery more broadly? There needs to be impact beyond the specifics of the texts context and characters. The stark contrast in tone in the family’s beliefs, at first concerned and then hateful “they were ready to help him”/“Gregor has to go,” instigates Gregor’s “conviction… that he would have to disappear”, the high modality language spotlighting Gregor’s realisation of the emptiness of humanity due to their opposition to individuals unfit to play a role in society because of their circumstance. That sentence a tad too long I think, be careful you don't try and do too much at once! Unlike Guevara, who embraced environmental challenges, Gregor denigrates his self-worth due to his inability to communicate with humanity, exposing the detrimental impact of his realisation of mankind’s unforgiving nature. Sort of retell, you are discussing a characters feelings and actions - The character is a construct of Kafka's, don't treat that character as a conscious entity. The reflective mood in “He remained in this state of empty and peaceful reflection...” at the novella’s denouncement illustrates Gregor’s obtainment of a new understanding to what satisfies him through the destruction of self for the desires of society, directing the protagonist in changing his view of life to achieve self-peace. Gregor and Guevara’s contrasting transformations in perceptions elucidate the way confronting realisations may instigate a process of differing self-assessments, catalysing the development of new values. Good analysis and comparisons between texts, but a tad too character focused. You should NEVER go a paragraph without mentioning the composer's name!

Consequently, retrospection upon the accumulation of past didactic experiences invigorates personal epiphanies and thus encourages the process of transformation. Another excellent conceptual start. Be sure you have room to adjust these to a question! The radicalisation of Guevara’s personal philosophy catalysed by the conglomeration of realisations is highlighted by the reflective tone of his thoughts concerning the dying woman in La Gioconda: “it is there, that one comprehends the profound tragedy circumscribing the life of the proletariat”. Be careful using plot elements as evidence, I know it isn't really here, but you could have used the technique and quote here without the plot detail if you catch me. Such reoccurring bildungsroman qualities of the memoir elucidate the maturation of Guevara’s thinking, the metaphor “I was a child of my environment” acknowledging his moral growth catalysed by his experiences. What does this show the audience more broadly? Thus, Guevara’s exposure to penury and exploitation of the marginalised social castes transforms him from a “dreamer” to a “revolutionary” political leader. Careful, this is retell! You've not linked to anything conceptual, you've just said what happens to the character. The juxtaposition of the gustatory imagery “savour” with the olfactory “acrid” in “savours the acrid smell of gunpowder and blood” creates a discomforting synaesthesia to accentuate his new devotion to the “people”, a metonym for the marginalised class in need of social justice. Guevara’s greatest epiphany is revealed in the vignette “tarata, the new world”, where after being confronted by the poverty of the Peruvians, he is emancipated from ignorance and political apathy, faced instead with metaphysical exhaustion symbolised by him being “frozen solid”, to be finally “welcomed with such friendliness” by strangers that changed him irreversibly. Bit of retell at the end here too. External discoveries stimulate the attainment of internal conclusions through a transformative process of reckoning with challenges, experiences, and values. Again, a little too text focused in this paragraph, and retell is starting to become more prominent in this paragraph as well - Be careful!

Furthermore, dependent on an individual’s context, the paradoxical nature of realisations enables both the progression and destruction of an individual. Be careful to link to your related text, don't just jump into the analysis assuming we'll follow. The rhetorical question “Did he really want the warm room… transformed into a lair?” signifies the inner conflict between Gregor’s human and insect instincts, elucidating how Gregor’s agonising experience of seclusion transforms his understanding of his own identity, no longer being able to classify himself as a constituent of humanity. See how you are analysing the character, a construct of the composer, rather than expanding into a broader consequence/understanding for the audience? The double entendre of “clean” in “everything was much too deep for him to have scrubbed himself clean”, depicts Gregor’s deterioration of his self-value and priorities of life as a result of his alienation from society, the dismal mood created further emphasising the demoralising impact of his personal discovery regarding the triviality of his existence. You don't need to identify the specific word related to a technique in a larger quote, you can just say "the double entendre in...". In contrast to Guevara’s conclusive transformation into a revolutionary, “Gregor shut himself off altogether”, symbolising how the seclusion Gregor experiences leads to his eventual downfall, revealing the duality of discovery as both a catalyst in the instigation of further realisations or a liquidator of individuals’ ambition to discover. THIS is what I need you to be doing with your analysis, linking to Discovery more broadly, this sentence particularly is just missing a proper technique.  Intensified by its relevance to one’s own context, discovery is inordinately powerful by leading to both new understandings and destroying untainted comprehensions of the self and the world.

Ultimately, the loss of ignorance by the attainment of new values and confronting knowledge influences one’s interpretation of the world, new judgements being developed through the unearthing of unfamiliar ideas and perspectives. However, whether a resultant transformation is advantageous or injurious, an individual will nevertheless be affected profoundly and irreversibly by their journey of discovery of the world. Nice bare bones conclusion, manipulate to the question to be most effective of course :)

I think this is definitely a strong essay kb! Sophisticated ideas, effective structure, and it seems like you've got wiggle room for different questions - Great! My biggest feedback would be to watch for being too text focused - Always link to broader Discovery related concepts, not just focus on the text specifically! ;D my comments throughout go into more detail on that and highlight a few other little nitpicks!

Is this a 15/15 if it answers the question well? Maybe, but I personally don't think so, I'd say you are in the 13/15 area right now, perhaps 14? It depends hugely on the question - But I'd want you to start adjusting your analytical style to be more abstract, and less text/plot/character focused, to start getting to 15/15 (in my opinion, of course) ;D

bananna

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #394 on: July 06, 2017, 07:26:44 pm »
Hi!
Can I please have feedback on my AOS discovery essay?
I wasn't really sure where to post it, so I wouldn't mind this post moved :)

Thank you!! :D

Spoiler

Physical discoveries set the scene for further introspection. This is why it is critical for this component to be present. Do you agree? Make detailed reference to The Tempest and Heart of darkness in your response.


Discovery is a complex notion entailing numerous interconnected components that together offer a profound insight into the concept that physical discoveries are a catalyst for introspection. William Shakespeare’s 1611 play The Tempest is a prime example of this paradigm, explicating the motif of the tension between justice and injustice as well as exploring Prospero’s discoveries that lead to his introspection. Joseph Conrad’s 1899 novel Heart of Darkness explores the tension between an individual’s metaphorical light and darkness, with Kurtz revealing the intrinsic notion of physical discovery leading to introspection. Thus, the notion that physical discoveries serve as a catalyst for further introspection will be revealed.

The interplay of justice and injustice arises in The Tempest as a result of Prospero’s physical discovery of the island, resulting in his introspection. While Caliban receives justice for trying to euphemistically “violate the honour” of Miranda by being subjugated under Prospero, the wronged Duke of Milan has no trepidation keeping Ariel as his slave. When Ariel mentions in Act 1 that he deserves freedom, Prospero’s flashback to when he freed Ariel from “torment” is the only response. This is allusive to Prospero’s ‘Chain of Being’ mindset that servitude is a necessary justice for his noble kindness. Furthermore, Caliban claims, “This Island’s mine”, which is an allusive paradigm of the historical experiences of any populace unjustly subjected to colonisation. Caliban is unable to overcome the cultural and historical barriers to discovery, because of the oppressive Prospero. Prospero’s just action of freeing Ariel in the Act Five demonstrates his character growth and depicts an authorial intrusion alluding to the Humanist movement of the Renaissance. Hence, the conflict between justice and injustice as well as introspection emerges as a result of physical discovery.

This same tension is reflected through the metaphorical balance of light and dark in Heart of Darkness. Upon finally meeting Kurtz after a journey up the Congo River, Marlow describes their encounter as “to somehow throw a kind of light on everything about me”. The irony here is clear as Kurtz is the novel’s antagonist; carved by the Company to be prideful and condescending, especially towards the Native Africans. This alludes to the Frankenstein Complex; in which The Company- for greatest income- lionizes the leading ivory distributer, simultaneously creating a ‘monster’. Once Marlow discovers the darkness in Kurtz, his perception of Africa is transformed; to him, Africa “ceased to be a blank space of delightful mystery…It had become a place of darkness”. Marlow’s symbolic discovery of The Congo’s darkness through emotive diction saddens him, as what he dreamed about as a boy illuminated the injustice the Natives experienced on their own land. Hence, Marlow’s physical discovery of the Congo reveals the delicate balance between the metaphorical light and dark in Heart of Darkness. 

While tension between two extremes plays a pivotal role in discovery, an exploration of character is necessary for a greater understanding of the role of physical discovery in introspection. The Tempest’s Prospero’s discoveries throughout the play are catalyzed by the physical displacement of the Nobles. However, it is Prospero’s introspection and subsequent self-discovery that positions him as the protagonist. Prospero’s retribution against the nobles is at its climax in Act 3 scene 3 in a satirical banquet that “disappears” in vengeance. However, Prospero’s intellectual discovery in Act 5 (the crux of the play) that Ariel- a spirit- could feel compassion towards the nobles and he- a man- could not, motivates his self-discovery. This leads him to remove the entity that made him superhuman-his magic; “And deeper than did ever plummet sound I’ll drown my book”. This audio-visual imagery illustrates Prospero’s transformation as a result of physical discovery. Therefore, it is the physical discovery that allows Prospero to undergo change and introspection.   

Contrastingly, while Heart of Darkness’ Kurtz’s physical discovery of Marlow stimulates self-discovery, it is too late for him to act on it as Prospero did. This paradigm reveals that while discoveries often result in an epiphany, it does not always result in an individual being able to take advantage of it. Kurtz, up until a few seconds before his death, exclaimed that the Company should “Exterminate all the brutes!” to improve Africa. This exclamation alludes to social context—anyone different in was considered threatening. However, Marlow recognizes Kurtz’s perilous actions and realises that he will become Kurtz if he did not suppress his evil urges (unlike Kurtz who succumbs to them). Kurtz’s last words, “The horror! The horror!” is a formidable repetitive exclamation. While filled with ambiguity, it can be interpreted as Kurtz’s solitary moment of self-realisation. However, this epiphany occurs too late for him to act upon this realisation. Hence, Kurtz’s physical discovery leads to a delayed self-discovery.


In conclusion, physical discovery is a critical stage in the journey of introspection. This notion is explored in The Tempest through injustice and justice, as well as an analysis of Prospero’s self-discovery, while Conrad’s Heart of Darkness reveals discovery through tensions between light and dark as well as Kurtz’s character. Ultimately, physical discovery is critical in the journey of self-discovery.



elysepopplewell

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #395 on: July 07, 2017, 10:10:16 pm »
Hey guys! This is my AOS essay that I would be using for my trials! :) Not the exact question though, but I would adapt whatever I have to the question in the exam! :)
Please be really harsh with the feedback! I really want to improve as much as I can, since I know I'm pretty weak in the AOS module :(((
Thanks in advance! :D

Hey Dalvin! Here's your essay with feedback :) Thank you for your patience, we appreciate it! It's been a busy time.

Spoiler
The experience of an unplanned discovery can evoke an intense and meaningful emotional and intellectual responses. The extent to which a discovery impacts *** *** *** OR, the extent of.... is determined by the willingness for an individual to embrace the confronting yet educative experience that will allow them to break free from their social and cultural frameworks. Ang Lee’s film “Life of Pi” encompasses Pi’s unplanned discovery for the need to survive in isolation, which involves challenging his religious morals and thus extensively evokes Pi’s extreme emotional responses and a new understanding for the balance of the physical and metaphysical worlds. Similarly, D.H Lawrence’s poem “Piano” embodies the persona’s journey of rediscovery through his memories that influences his distraught of adulthood which consequently results in a reminder of the tragedies and hardships of adulthood. Hence, through the experience of discovery and its consequences, it can enable one gain new perceptions and understandings.  You've used my favourite introduction structure - engaging with the rubric, then talking about each of the texts in relation to the discovery they offer, and rounding it back off again.
 Now I know what to expect from your essay!


Lee’s “Life of Pi” extensively explores Pi’s emotional dynamics through a range of discoveries that has challenged his religious morals. Personally, I think the best approach is to turn this into a conceptual sentence rather than textual. The reason being, this is a conceptual essay, supported analytically by texts. I would make the opening sentence about discovery, rather than about the texts. This way you use the text throughout the paragraph as a testament to the thesis, rather than vice versa. Unless, of course, you are reserving this sentence spot for the stimulus when it arrives.Pi’s journey encompasses a harsh and desolate ocean environment that has catalysed, what he considered, killing as an immoral act. Such includes the close up shot of the shift from a saturated to dull colour palette of the fish that Pi has killed.  This shift visually parallels to Pi’s transition from his primitive to humanistic character, illustrating his sense of guilt and shame from subverting the humility of life. This is further illustrated through his sudden discovery of the flying fish as a food source which he then boldly screams to Richard Parker, “MINE!MINE!”, demonstrating his power over Richard Parker’s animal instincts, resulting in Pi to resemble the God of Yogis, Shiva, that symbolises the destruction of morals and values and the creation of new physicalities. Thus, illustrating how Pi’s irrationality has subverted his morals but has allowed him to form survival instincts. Moreover, the medium shot and diegetic sounds of Pi devouring the fish reveals the dismissal of his vegetarian diet, showcasing a strong desperation for survival. Hence, Lee subtly alludes to Quran 2:173 where it states that an individual forced by necessity to consume the forbidden meat, Pork, has no sin upon them. This in effect elucidates Pi’s consumption as a portrayal of his full understanding and acceptance to transgress his religious beliefs in extreme conditions. Consequently, Pi’s emotional responses catalysed by his sudden discovery has been elevated due to his necessity to subvert his morals and act beyond his comfort zone. I think the analysis in this paragraph evidently exists, but what concerns me is the lack of direction the paragraph has as a parallel to the discovery rubric. I can see that you're following the vein of religious morals in the plot, but I think you need to draw on a vein from the rubric as well. It's like you've chosen one lens for this paragraph, and that lens is religious morals and their challenges in the text. Perhaps instead, we should be looking at the idea about discovery that, discoveries prompt a reevaluation about previously esteemed beliefs. Then when we enter this paragraph, you tie it in with the religious beliefs as a way of making a very wonderfully dense paragraph! By changing the topic sentence, you gravitate the essay to be more conceptual/area of study based :)

Similarly, Lawrence’s persona in “Piano” undergoes a rediscovery of his childhood memories as an adult which stimulates antithetical emotional states. Similarly here: If you're going to explore the idea of rediscovery, then do so through a conceptual lens, and then bring the text in :)[/b]This poem manifests music as the persona’s catalyst to his rediscovery of his mother playing the piano which has caused his, “heart [to] weep to belong/ to the old Sunday evenings at home”. The persona’s reference to the “old Sunday” evening symbolises his conformity to the expectations of the 19th century – suppression of emotions. However, the word choice of “weep” develops the persona’s sentimental tone that denotes to his expression of his emotion.  Coupled with the responder’s venture into the persona’s memories, represented through the metaphoric use of the second stanza, it becomes a platform to convey how such intimate and fragile moments of reflection are able expound an individual’s insecurities that expels a façade of conformity. Furthermore, the repetitive use of the onomatopoeic present verbs, “tingling”, “booming” paints a clear image from persona’s memory which reinforces his longing to relive his childhood, elaborating on his vulnerability of his emotional state. Furthered to this, the last stanza encompasses the persona’s distraught to be drawn as, “it is vain for the singer to burst into clamour/ great black appassionato”. The word choice of “clamour” and “appassionato”, a musical term for strong passion, evokes an auditory image of the persona’s desperate pleads to relive his childhood. Additionally, it encompasses the outrage of intense and mixed emotions of distraught, despair and desperation which serves to reveal the persona’s frustration of shifting in adulthood. Thus, Lawrence’s “Piano” reveals the persona’s rediscovery of his childhood as a gradual process that inevitably evokes the strong emotional responses that breaks his social standards.  In the italicised part, discovery is only mentioned in a round-about way instead of being succinct. I think that your essay is great in terms of analysis and understanding the ways that techniques can accelerate the plot and the discoveries. BUT, I don't think the essay privileges "discoveries" and their complexities enough. I know you will adapt this essay in an exam to suit the question, but I think it's not unreasonable to expect more of it in advance - only because you want to have a strong idea about discovery that you will hybridise with the essay question :)

Despite differences within the experiences of discovering, an individual’s willingness to embrace and learn from them will inevitably bring upon intellectual responses. Yes! This is the kind of thing I think you should begin your other paragraphs with as well! I think this sends such a strong message about what I should expect from this paragraph, but it also addresses the rubric in a way that's confident. “Life of Pi” explores this through Pi’s understanding for the balance between the physical and metaphysical worlds. This is seen through Pi’s dream where the camera slowly zooms deeper into his eyes which employs a vignette of the zoo animals, Pi’s mother and the Mouth of Krishna. Lee’s intention serves as a synecdoche to Pi’s dynamic nature of his experience – conflicting, comforting and educating. Hence, Lee asserts Pi’s need for both worlds to maintain humility and survivability. This is further highlighted by the paradoxical voiceover, “If I haven’t found that island, I would’ve died. If I didn’t discover the tooth. I would’ve died”, which reinforces Pi’s renewed perception for the necessity of irrationalism and transgression as a means to restore his mentality and strength to progress further into the physical world. Concurrently, “Piano” explores this through the persona’s embrace of his experience of rediscovery that reminds him of the cruelty of adulthood. The last stanza, acts as a parallel to a coda in music, and thus it becomes a metaphor for the persona’s intellectual response as he asserts that, “of childish days is upon [him], [his] manhood is cast”. The line employs the accents of the disyllabic words of “childish” and “manhood” that juxtaposes the innocence of childhood to the hardships of adulthood. Hence, it proves the persona’s full understanding for differences between both stages. Moreover, the persona, “weep likes a child for the past” proffers a double meaning that is enforced by the simile. On a literal level, the simile denotes to the persona’s distraught for the inability to relive his childhood, serving as a reminder for the hardships of shifting to adulthood. Symbolically, the literary form and structural element of the poem also adds a meaning that communicates his realisation of the social incorrectness for men to cry, hence the line posits dual perspectives that proves his resentment to the social framework. Consequently, in order for individuals to experience an intellectual response from discovering, they must embrace the hardships and lesson that surpass their social frameworks.

In essence, the emotional and intellectual responses are evoked by the unplanned discoveries to which the extent proliferates once an individual extends beyond their social and cultural frameworks. “Life of Pi” explores Pi’s emotional dynamics upon the discovery for necessity to survive and thus, gains an understanding for the balance of the physical and metaphysical worlds. Whilst “Piano”, encompasses the persona’s rediscovery of his childhood that evokes the sentimentality, that allows him to gain insight to the cruelty of the world. Thus, despite the nature of the discovery and the extent of an individual’s response, it is compulsory for new experiences and understanding of the self and others to be supplements to the experience of discovery.
.

In terms of emotional and itnellectual: "emotional" is dealt with fairly consistently throughout the response, but intellectual responses to discovery only really exist in the third body paragraph. So this needs more addressing throughout to be consistent. But I'll also mention that just because emotions are involved, it doesn't mean it is necessarily an emotional response to discovery, which is what the question asks for. I didn't think this was a strong vein in your work - often I was left wishing there was more discovery. I think the solution is kind of shifting the way you see this module. Instead of it being about texts, put the privilege on discovery, and simply prove the discovery with the texts. You're not at all far off: you've got everything you need to make this work really well. The analysis is there, it really is just about shifting the focus of your essay to make discovery more prominent, and I've suggested ways to do this. Hopefully this all makes sense, if anything isn't clear or you have more questions, please let me know! :)
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DalvinT

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #396 on: July 09, 2017, 12:30:59 am »
Hey Dalvin! Here's your essay with feedback :) Thank you for your patience, we appreciate it! It's been a busy time.

Spoiler
The experience of an unplanned discovery can evoke an intense and meaningful emotional and intellectual responses. The extent to which a discovery impacts *** *** *** OR, the extent of.... is determined by the willingness for an individual to embrace the confronting yet educative experience that will allow them to break free from their social and cultural frameworks. Ang Lee’s film “Life of Pi” encompasses Pi’s unplanned discovery for the need to survive in isolation, which involves challenging his religious morals and thus extensively evokes Pi’s extreme emotional responses and a new understanding for the balance of the physical and metaphysical worlds. Similarly, D.H Lawrence’s poem “Piano” embodies the persona’s journey of rediscovery through his memories that influences his distraught of adulthood which consequently results in a reminder of the tragedies and hardships of adulthood. Hence, through the experience of discovery and its consequences, it can enable one gain new perceptions and understandings.  You've used my favourite introduction structure - engaging with the rubric, then talking about each of the texts in relation to the discovery they offer, and rounding it back off again.
 Now I know what to expect from your essay!


Lee’s “Life of Pi” extensively explores Pi’s emotional dynamics through a range of discoveries that has challenged his religious morals. Personally, I think the best approach is to turn this into a conceptual sentence rather than textual. The reason being, this is a conceptual essay, supported analytically by texts. I would make the opening sentence about discovery, rather than about the texts. This way you use the text throughout the paragraph as a testament to the thesis, rather than vice versa. Unless, of course, you are reserving this sentence spot for the stimulus when it arrives.Pi’s journey encompasses a harsh and desolate ocean environment that has catalysed, what he considered, killing as an immoral act. Such includes the close up shot of the shift from a saturated to dull colour palette of the fish that Pi has killed.  This shift visually parallels to Pi’s transition from his primitive to humanistic character, illustrating his sense of guilt and shame from subverting the humility of life. This is further illustrated through his sudden discovery of the flying fish as a food source which he then boldly screams to Richard Parker, “MINE!MINE!”, demonstrating his power over Richard Parker’s animal instincts, resulting in Pi to resemble the God of Yogis, Shiva, that symbolises the destruction of morals and values and the creation of new physicalities. Thus, illustrating how Pi’s irrationality has subverted his morals but has allowed him to form survival instincts. Moreover, the medium shot and diegetic sounds of Pi devouring the fish reveals the dismissal of his vegetarian diet, showcasing a strong desperation for survival. Hence, Lee subtly alludes to Quran 2:173 where it states that an individual forced by necessity to consume the forbidden meat, Pork, has no sin upon them. This in effect elucidates Pi’s consumption as a portrayal of his full understanding and acceptance to transgress his religious beliefs in extreme conditions. Consequently, Pi’s emotional responses catalysed by his sudden discovery has been elevated due to his necessity to subvert his morals and act beyond his comfort zone. I think the analysis in this paragraph evidently exists, but what concerns me is the lack of direction the paragraph has as a parallel to the discovery rubric. I can see that you're following the vein of religious morals in the plot, but I think you need to draw on a vein from the rubric as well. It's like you've chosen one lens for this paragraph, and that lens is religious morals and their challenges in the text. Perhaps instead, we should be looking at the idea about discovery that, discoveries prompt a reevaluation about previously esteemed beliefs. Then when we enter this paragraph, you tie it in with the religious beliefs as a way of making a very wonderfully dense paragraph! By changing the topic sentence, you gravitate the essay to be more conceptual/area of study based :)

Similarly, Lawrence’s persona in “Piano” undergoes a rediscovery of his childhood memories as an adult which stimulates antithetical emotional states. Similarly here: If you're going to explore the idea of rediscovery, then do so through a conceptual lens, and then bring the text in :)[/b]This poem manifests music as the persona’s catalyst to his rediscovery of his mother playing the piano which has caused his, “heart [to] weep to belong/ to the old Sunday evenings at home”. The persona’s reference to the “old Sunday” evening symbolises his conformity to the expectations of the 19th century – suppression of emotions. However, the word choice of “weep” develops the persona’s sentimental tone that denotes to his expression of his emotion.  Coupled with the responder’s venture into the persona’s memories, represented through the metaphoric use of the second stanza, it becomes a platform to convey how such intimate and fragile moments of reflection are able expound an individual’s insecurities that expels a façade of conformity. Furthermore, the repetitive use of the onomatopoeic present verbs, “tingling”, “booming” paints a clear image from persona’s memory which reinforces his longing to relive his childhood, elaborating on his vulnerability of his emotional state. Furthered to this, the last stanza encompasses the persona’s distraught to be drawn as, “it is vain for the singer to burst into clamour/ great black appassionato”. The word choice of “clamour” and “appassionato”, a musical term for strong passion, evokes an auditory image of the persona’s desperate pleads to relive his childhood. Additionally, it encompasses the outrage of intense and mixed emotions of distraught, despair and desperation which serves to reveal the persona’s frustration of shifting in adulthood. Thus, Lawrence’s “Piano” reveals the persona’s rediscovery of his childhood as a gradual process that inevitably evokes the strong emotional responses that breaks his social standards.  In the italicised part, discovery is only mentioned in a round-about way instead of being succinct. I think that your essay is great in terms of analysis and understanding the ways that techniques can accelerate the plot and the discoveries. BUT, I don't think the essay privileges "discoveries" and their complexities enough. I know you will adapt this essay in an exam to suit the question, but I think it's not unreasonable to expect more of it in advance - only because you want to have a strong idea about discovery that you will hybridise with the essay question :)

Despite differences within the experiences of discovering, an individual’s willingness to embrace and learn from them will inevitably bring upon intellectual responses. Yes! This is the kind of thing I think you should begin your other paragraphs with as well! I think this sends such a strong message about what I should expect from this paragraph, but it also addresses the rubric in a way that's confident. “Life of Pi” explores this through Pi’s understanding for the balance between the physical and metaphysical worlds. This is seen through Pi’s dream where the camera slowly zooms deeper into his eyes which employs a vignette of the zoo animals, Pi’s mother and the Mouth of Krishna. Lee’s intention serves as a synecdoche to Pi’s dynamic nature of his experience – conflicting, comforting and educating. Hence, Lee asserts Pi’s need for both worlds to maintain humility and survivability. This is further highlighted by the paradoxical voiceover, “If I haven’t found that island, I would’ve died. If I didn’t discover the tooth. I would’ve died”, which reinforces Pi’s renewed perception for the necessity of irrationalism and transgression as a means to restore his mentality and strength to progress further into the physical world. Concurrently, “Piano” explores this through the persona’s embrace of his experience of rediscovery that reminds him of the cruelty of adulthood. The last stanza, acts as a parallel to a coda in music, and thus it becomes a metaphor for the persona’s intellectual response as he asserts that, “of childish days is upon [him], [his] manhood is cast”. The line employs the accents of the disyllabic words of “childish” and “manhood” that juxtaposes the innocence of childhood to the hardships of adulthood. Hence, it proves the persona’s full understanding for differences between both stages. Moreover, the persona, “weep likes a child for the past” proffers a double meaning that is enforced by the simile. On a literal level, the simile denotes to the persona’s distraught for the inability to relive his childhood, serving as a reminder for the hardships of shifting to adulthood. Symbolically, the literary form and structural element of the poem also adds a meaning that communicates his realisation of the social incorrectness for men to cry, hence the line posits dual perspectives that proves his resentment to the social framework. Consequently, in order for individuals to experience an intellectual response from discovering, they must embrace the hardships and lesson that surpass their social frameworks.

In essence, the emotional and intellectual responses are evoked by the unplanned discoveries to which the extent proliferates once an individual extends beyond their social and cultural frameworks. “Life of Pi” explores Pi’s emotional dynamics upon the discovery for necessity to survive and thus, gains an understanding for the balance of the physical and metaphysical worlds. Whilst “Piano”, encompasses the persona’s rediscovery of his childhood that evokes the sentimentality, that allows him to gain insight to the cruelty of the world. Thus, despite the nature of the discovery and the extent of an individual’s response, it is compulsory for new experiences and understanding of the self and others to be supplements to the experience of discovery.
.

In terms of emotional and itnellectual: "emotional" is dealt with fairly consistently throughout the response, but intellectual responses to discovery only really exist in the third body paragraph. So this needs more addressing throughout to be consistent. But I'll also mention that just because emotions are involved, it doesn't mean it is necessarily an emotional response to discovery, which is what the question asks for. I didn't think this was a strong vein in your work - often I was left wishing there was more discovery. I think the solution is kind of shifting the way you see this module. Instead of it being about texts, put the privilege on discovery, and simply prove the discovery with the texts. You're not at all far off: you've got everything you need to make this work really well. The analysis is there, it really is just about shifting the focus of your essay to make discovery more prominent, and I've suggested ways to do this. Hopefully this all makes sense, if anything isn't clear or you have more questions, please let me know! :)

WOWW! :OOO THANKSS SO MUCH ELYSE! No worries at all haha, it wasn't that long :)
And yeah, I really love the suggestions you've made and critics. Definitely, will be using them. And practising to manipulate thesis statements on the spot and constructing those conceptual topic sentences as well!!

In terms of my structure, do you think synthesising both texts in one paragraph, such as the third body, was a good idea? Like, did it blur the clarity of what I was trying to address?


However, sometimes when writing them, I feel like I go off track to what the thesis is addressing.
For example, below I've attempted to do one for one of my first body paragraphs.
The experience of discovery evokes an individual’s transgression of their values and thus, they innately respond emotionally, however, it can also draw upon new behaviours that are uncommon to the individual. Life of Pi explores this through a range of Pi’s discoveries that have challenged his religious morals.
« Last Edit: July 09, 2017, 12:34:01 am by DalvinT »
2017 HSC:
English Standard 91
Biology 90
Earth and Environmental Science 89
Music 1 97
Visual Arts 92
General Mathematics 2  85

ATAR : 95.15

2018-2020: Bachelor of Oral Health @ USYD

jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #397 on: July 09, 2017, 12:08:25 pm »
Hello can someone please look at my response for this AOS comprehension Q:

Sure thing! Sorry it took so long, this was short so I should have just done it earlier. But here we go:

Edit: Woops, those links you provided have expired! I'll mark it anyway, I shouldn't need the text to know how good your analysis is.

Spoiler
Through clever poetic techniques and a unique retrospective style of poetry, the persona effectively portrays the processes they had undergone which had led them to several intellectual self-discoveries. Don't say the persona portrays, the COMPOSER portrays - But, effective first sentence! The rhetorical title “Who am I” is answered throughout the poem, and through the anaphora of “I am”, the persona refers to an extensive range of processes and discoveries which had resulted in a stronger understanding of themselves. Great, excellent work, great to see you referencing the title as well, many people forget they often contain a technique. An intellectual discovery by knowledge of science is evident through the referencing of the composition of planets, in “ring around Saturn, spinning words as particles of ice and dust”. Thus, the juxtaposition is evident when the persona describes a religious allusion to the “Divine Presence”, a term used to refer to God. I'd like you to link these two sentences, because the "reference" in the previous isn't really a technique. Maybe say, "The juxtaposition of the "divine presence" with the more scientific allusion to the "ring around Saturn,.." - Then go into what that achieves. Thus, by comparison between science and religion, the persona encapsulates the range of experience and thoughts which had impacted on an understanding of themselves. Ultimately, the persona realises that there exists “different parts of me”, and through undergoing intellectual self-discovery, comes to terms of acceptance and answers the rhetorical question, “I AM, THAT, I AM”.

A solid response! Great use of techniques on the whole, but you could probably be a little more succinct in the middle there if you wanted to be, to maybe add one more technique. Be sure the composer gets due credit, not just the persona they have created. Otherwise, great work! ;D

jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #398 on: July 09, 2017, 12:36:38 pm »
Hi!
Can I please have feedback on my AOS discovery essay?
I wasn't really sure where to post it, so I wouldn't mind this post moved :)

Thank you!! :D

Sure thing bananna! Your essay is attached with feedback in bold:

Spoiler
Physical discoveries set the scene for further introspection. This is why it is critical for this component to be present. Do you agree? Make detailed reference to The Tempest and Heart of darkness in your response.

Discovery is a complex notion entailing numerous interconnected components that together offer a profound insight into the concept that physical discoveries are a catalyst for introspection. This Thesis is a little roundabout - Discoveries offer insight into Discoveries. It's a little confusing to the reader, I get what you mean but I think you might want to rework this a bit. William Shakespeare’s 1611 play The Tempest is a prime example of this paradigm, explicating the motif of the tension between justice and injustice as well as exploring Prospero’s discoveries that lead to his introspection. A slightly stronger reference to physical discoveries would work well here, really hammer the question home. Joseph Conrad’s 1899 novel Heart of Darkness explores the tension between an individual’s metaphorical light and darkness, with Kurtz revealing the intrinsic notion of physical discovery leading to introspection. Thus, the notion that physical discoveries serve as a catalyst for further introspection will be revealed. Solid introduction on the whole. The concept might need a little fleshing out, but on the whole good work!!

The interplay of justice and injustice arises in The Tempest as a result of Prospero’s physical discovery of the island, resulting in his introspection. Good - Perhaps a tad plot focused but I think given the nature of the topic and the question this is probably unavoidable to an extent. While Caliban receives justice for trying to euphemistically “violate the honour” of Miranda by being subjugated under Prospero, the wronged Duke of Milan has no trepidation keeping Ariel as his slave. Retell, remember, your marker has read the text (or at least, you always assume that). No plot details necessary! When Ariel mentions in Act 1 that he deserves freedom, Prospero’s flashback to when he freed Ariel from “torment” is the only response. Retell. This is allusive to Prospero’s ‘Chain of Being’ mindset that servitude is a necessary justice for his noble kindness. Furthermore, Caliban claims, “This Island’s mine”, which is an allusive paradigm of the historical experiences of any populace unjustly subjected to colonisation. Be sure to make a specific reference to the fact that that technique was the composer's doing, the character didn't just have it there by coincidence. Composers make choices to convey themes! Caliban is unable to overcome the cultural and historical barriers to discovery, because of the oppressive Prospero. Prospero’s just action of freeing Ariel in the Act Five demonstrates his character growth and depicts an authorial intrusion alluding to the Humanist movement of the Renaissance. Retelling. Hence, the conflict between justice and injustice as well as introspection emerges as a result of physical discovery. Solid concepts on show, but not much analysis. A lot of this is retelling the plot. The places where you used techniques were excellent!

This same tension is reflected through the metaphorical balance of light and dark in Heart of Darkness. Upon finally meeting Kurtz after a journey up the Congo River, Marlow describes their encounter as “to somehow throw a kind of light on everything about me”. Retell - A technique here? The irony here is clear as Kurtz is the novel’s antagonist; carved by the Company to be prideful and condescending, especially towards the Native Africans. Retell. This alludes to the Frankenstein Complex; in which The Company- for greatest income- lionizes the leading ivory distributer, simultaneously creating a ‘monster’. Once Marlow discovers the darkness in Kurtz, his perception of Africa is transformed; to him, Africa “ceased to be a blank space of delightful mystery…It had become a place of darkness”. Retell. Marlow’s symbolic discovery of The Congo’s darkness through emotive diction saddens him, as what he dreamed about as a boy illuminated the injustice the Natives experienced on their own land. Hence, Be careful not to attribute techniques to characters, ALWAYS composers! Marlow’s physical discovery of the Congo reveals the delicate balance between the metaphorical light and dark in Heart of Darkness. 

While tension between two extremes plays a pivotal role in discovery, an exploration of character is necessary for a greater understanding of the role of physical discovery in introspection. I'm a little unsure what you mean by this Thesis. So we are exploring character to understand the role of discovery in introspection... Personally I don't quite click with this. The Tempest’s Prospero’s discoveries throughout the play are catalyzed by the physical displacement of the Nobles. However, it is Prospero’s introspection and subsequent self-discovery that positions him as the protagonist. Retelling the plot a little bit here. Prospero’s retribution against the nobles is at its climax in Act 3 scene 3 in a satirical banquet that “disappears” in vengeance. Retell. However, Prospero’s intellectual discovery in Act 5 (the crux of the play) that Ariel- a spirit- could feel compassion towards the nobles and he- a man- could not, motivates his self-discovery. Try not to use things that happen in the text as evidence of Discovery - It needs to be about techniques and how they are used to represent ideas to us, the audience. This leads him to remove the entity that made him superhuman-his magic; “And deeper than did ever plummet sound I’ll drown my book”. This audio-visual imagery illustrates Prospero’s transformation as a result of physical discovery. This is better - This sentence here, technique and what it shows, is the analytical style you should be driving for. Therefore, it is the physical discovery that allows Prospero to undergo change and introspection.   

Contrastingly, while Heart of Darkness’ Kurtz’s physical discovery of Marlow stimulates self-discovery, it is too late for him to act on it as Prospero did. I like that you are drawing parallels and contradictions between the texts. Good work there. This paradigm reveals that while discoveries often result in an epiphany, it does not always result in an individual being able to take advantage of it. Good concept. Kurtz, up until a few seconds before his death, exclaimed that the Company should “Exterminate all the brutes!” to improve Africa. This exclamation alludes to social context—anyone different in was considered threatening. This is close to what you need - But the technique of exclamation needs to be attributed to the composer. However, Marlow recognizes Kurtz’s perilous actions and realises that he will become Kurtz if he did not suppress his evil urges (unlike Kurtz who succumbs to them). Retell. Kurtz’s last words, “The horror! The horror!” is a formidable repetitive exclamation. While filled with ambiguity, it can be interpreted as Kurtz’s solitary moment of self-realisation. Try to be high modality - Don't say "can be interpreted," be more sure of your arguments than that! However, this epiphany occurs too late for him to act upon this realisation. Retell. Hence, Kurtz’s physical discovery leads to a delayed self-discovery.

In conclusion, physical discovery is a critical stage in the journey of introspection. You don't need "in conclusion" at the start of this sentence. It is the conclusion and the marker knows that. This notion is explored in The Tempest through injustice and justice, as well as an analysis of Prospero’s self-discovery, while Conrad’s Heart of Darkness reveals discovery through tensions between light and dark as well as Kurtz’s character. Ultimately, physical discovery is critical in the journey of self-discovery.

Great work banana!My main comment for this essay would be quality of analysis. You've got a great and methodical structure, and good ideas that are expressed quite clearly in most circumstances - What is missing is the analytical stuff. I'm not getting a heap of techniques, I'm getting mostly retell of plot and character experiences. This isn't what we need - We need, 'The composer uses TECHNIQUE in QUOTE to portray "Blah blah blah."'

Using the plot and characters to show your concepts is good, but it isn't great. Showing how the composer uses techniques deliberately, to communicate key ideas to us as an audience - That is the Band 6 approach ;D

You've got a great framework here, the analysis just needs to slot in - If you have any questions about my comments throughout, let me know! ;D
« Last Edit: July 09, 2017, 01:47:58 pm by jamonwindeyer »

jennifer.le11

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #399 on: July 10, 2017, 10:08:06 pm »
Hiii

If it is possible could you please have a look at this essay and see what needs to be fixed? If you could give brutal criticism id love that because i'm quite lost for AOS and trials are very soon but otherwise even just a look at general feedback would be absolutely amazing! Thanks so you much :)

jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #400 on: July 10, 2017, 10:15:58 pm »
Hiii

If it is possible could you please have a look at this essay and see what needs to be fixed? If you could give brutal criticism id love that because i'm quite lost for AOS and trials are very soon but otherwise even just a look at general feedback would be absolutely amazing! Thanks so you much :)

Hey Jennifer! Welcome to the forums! ;D

Thanks for posting your essay, unfortunately our essay marking rules require you to have 25 posts per response you'd like marked, just to make sure the markers can keep up. If you hang around the site for a while that will build up in no time! ;D

savannahhughes00

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #401 on: July 16, 2017, 12:01:15 pm »
hey hey hey!
here's my area of study essay, feedback would be SO appreciated.
thanks for all your dedication team xoxoxo

JASPER JONES AWAY ESSAY
‘The process of discovery involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known’ In your response, refer to your prescribed text and one other related text of your own choosing.

Discoveries are significant in that they involve a shift in thinking whereby previous assumptions are reconsidered and new material is uncovered. Such ideological shifts are encouraged by relationships, as individuals share new perspectives on issues such as loss. Michael Gow’s Away explores the power of relationships through three 1960s Australian families in their response to loss while Craig Silvey’s Jasper Jones sees the implications of loss on characters in country Australia, and the ways in which new relationships encourage them to come to terms with their situation. In both texts characters allow themselves to reconsider their perspective through the influence of others and achieve a more satisfying outlook on the world.

Gow’s play Away focusses on characters whose initial response to loss is to
isolate themselves in an alternate reality, unable to come to terms with the nature of their respective situations. Responding to the loss of her son in the Vietnam War, Coral struggles to form or maintain relationships with others under the grips of mental illness. She promises her husband Roy, a school headmaster, “I’ll be calm… I’ll look after myself…I’ll have fun”, the anaphora underscoring her attempts to connect with those around her. Roy responds to this with the monosyllabic, “I miss the boy too. I feel it.”, highlighting the implications of loss on the couple as they struggle to progress. Whilst Coral is largely unable to relate to other people, Gwen is judgemental, restricted by the essentialist mentality of her past life, as seen in the simile “we stuck to our plans like the Bible”. She criticizes Tom’s immigrant family because “they both work…in a factory”, highlighting the superiority she assumes. This is furthered in her dialogue, demeaning the family in saying “have a lovely time in your…tent”, as her unwillingness to see the value in alternate lifestyles hinders her discovery. Thus, loss prevents both Coral and Gwen from connecting with those around them, inhibiting discovery as they remain confined in their own perception of the world.

Exploring the implications of loss on a half-caste boy with no stable parental figure, Jasper Jones shares the exploitation of vulnerability seen in country Corrigan. Losing his mother at a young age, and having a father who is “no good” positions Jasper Jones as a disadvantaged and vulnerable member of society, his isolation from the community impeding on his ultimate self-discovery. With the loss of his wife, Jasper’s father becomes a “worthless, jobless, drunk”, tricolon underscoring his incapability to parent a child. With no parental figure, Jasper is forced to become “a Thief, a Liar, a Thug, a Truant”, with asyndeton reading like past occupations, highlighting Jasper Jones’s vulnerability and isolation. The community comes to exploit his vulnerability, with prejudice seen in “people who expect three meals a day…that look at (Jasper) like (he’s) rubbish”.  Furthering this, the Police assume Jasper’s involvement in a missing persons case, physically abusing him until “he couldn’t breathe right”. Because of his vulnerability “they don’t need a reason”, the definitive tone underscoring the isolation Jasper experiences as an ultimate consequence of the loss of his mother. Thus, it is the loss of his mother and his father’s inability to come to terms with this loss that forces Jasper Jones into a vulnerable and isolated position, impeding his discovery as his situation is exploited by the community.

Coming from their isolation throughout Away, Coral and Gwen are able to discover a more satisfying perspective of the world through relationships, as connecting with others expands their respective ways of thinking. Having run away from her husband, Coral forms a relationship with Tom, a student battling leukaemia. Coral “told (Tom) the whole story” and Tom “told her a thing or two that helped”, allowing the characters to empathise with each other after concealing their emotions. Coral’s discovery is seen in the play within a play, The Stranger on the Shore, breaking away from her acting character and calling in her own voice “I’m walking, I’m walking” symbolising her ability to come to terms with her grief and move forward. Similarly, Gwen forms a relationship with Tom’s mother as they “go for a walk”, the setting of the natural world encouraging a sense of openness. Stage directions indicate “the women come back. They have been crying and are supporting each other.”, as a relationship with Vic brings Gwen to reconsider her understanding of the world. Gwen’s transformation is also seen in her response to the play as she leads the applause “thunderously”, a physical reaction that is indicative of her psychological transformation.
Thus, it is Coral’s relationship with Tom and Gwen’s with Vic that allow them to come to terms with loss and reinterpret the world.

Similarly, Jasper Jones progresses from isolation to emancipation through his relationship with Charlie Bucktin, who overcomes societal prejudice in order to empower Jasper and encourage him to reconsider his situation. Despite Corrigan seeing Jasper as “half an animal with half a vote” due to his status as a half caste, Charlie walks “side by side” with Jasper, as an “ally”. His juxtaposition highlights differences as Charlie was “about to crawl into my safe nest, while Jasper Jones shoulders his burden alone”. However, Charlie’s understanding reconnects Jasper to society, despite feeling alone following the mysterious loss of his girlfriend. Charlie alludes to this in wondering “if he really needs me to solve this, or if he just needs the company.” This relationship largely empowers Jasper to investigate the death of his girlfriend, unexpectedly finding not only his grandfather, but the truth behind his mother’s death amidst lies “planted by his father and fertilized by the town”. These metaphorical weeds had stifled Jasper’s perceived self-worth, however his relationship with Charlie provides the catalyst for a new way of thinking. Being reconnected with the community, Jasper is empowered to leave Corrigan, despite losing the person “he was going to escape with”. It is Jasper’s relationship with Charlie that leads him toward this discovery of self, coming to terms with loss in order to leave Corrigan and achieve a new perspective. 

In conclusion, both Michael Gow’s Away and Craig Silvey’s Jasper Jones see the implications of loss as characters overcome a disconnect from reality with new relationships. This is seen as Coral overcomes mental illness through Tom, Gwen returns from unwavering bitterness through a relationship with Vic, and Jasper Jones is liberated from isolation through his relationship with Charlie Bucktin. It is these relationships that promote the sharing of new ideologies and encourage characters to achieve a more satisfying understanding of the world.






katie,rinos

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #402 on: July 20, 2017, 06:37:12 pm »
Hey guys,
I did an essay for discovery based on the AOS paper that Atar notes put up. Would you please be able to read through it and give me some feedback? What mark do you think that this essay should get? I know at the moment it is way too long but my teacher said that we needed to have the processes for discovery for each text (Persona's situation at beginning, catalyst, process, discovery and impact). Do you have any ways that I can get the word count down because there is no way that I can write this many word in 40min and I don't think that i'm rambling too much. Also, should I be trying to write integrated essays (In Emily's lecture she said that they were the better way to write an essay)? If so, how can I turn this essay into an integrated one.
Thanks so much,
Katie
Spoiler

Different discoveries may have similarities, but the ramifications will always vary.
To what extent is this statement true in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?
                  
To a great extent, similar discoveries will have varied impacts due to the unique experiences/mindset of an individual. This is conveyed through the poetry of Robert Frost. Stopping by the woods on a Snowy Evening, explores the importance of human relationships, man’s interaction with nature and the use of solitude to reflect on life. The persona’s discovery is fresh and intensely meaningful in ways that are emotional, and spiritual as he discovers new ideas about himself and the world around him. The novel, The Book Thief by Markus Zusak, portrays a young girl, Liesel, discovering the power of words during World War 2. Throughout this novel, Liesel’s discovery is both emotionally and intellectually challenging as she explores new perspectives on the world around her. Mending Wall, explores a man’s discovery that his neighbour is unwilling to change because he is steadfast in his traditions and beliefs. The persona realises that discoveries can be made through shared experiences and that discoveries can shift our perspectives on the world around us. The discoveries have many similarities, but have different outcomes and consequences due to the personal experiences of the persona’s.

Throughout the poem, Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening the persona discovers the importance of human relationships, man’s interaction with nature and the use of solitude to reflect on life. The persona’s discovery is fresh and intensely meaningful in ways that are emotional, and spiritual as he discovers new perspectives of the world around him. The poem, uses the form of a dramatic monologue, in order to portray a man on a journey within the woods. The man stops in awe of the beauty of the nature around him. However, throughout his pause, there is a sense of danger conveyed through the thickening snowfall, darkening sky and sense of isolation. This is further conveyed through the alliteration of, ‘the only other sound’s the sweep of easy wind and downy flake’. This alliteration echoes the soft sound of the gentle wind and fluffy snowflakes falling. The metaphorical qualities of ‘snow’ in the quote, ‘watch his woods fill up with snow’, conveys an image of death as the snow could cover the traveller and his horse if they stay in one spot for too long. The horse senses danger and ‘he gives his harness bells a shake’, creating a contrast between the dreamlike nature of the prior two stanzas. The quote garners the audience's attention to the danger that is lingering in the scene and a need to move on. However, the man is still caught in a peaceful state oblivious to the danger around him.

The persona discovers that he prefers quiet reflection and solitude over being with a large number of people. The line ‘he will not see me stopping here’ conveys the man’s wish to be alone and by himself as therefore he is able to reflect without all the distractions of everyday life. He also discovers that he has many different responsibilities in life such as interactions between people. His use of visual imagery to show that the ‘woods are lovely, dark and deep’ is contrasted with the abruptness of the  phrase ‘I have promises to keep’. The man realises that although he finds the woods very inviting and peaceful, he cannot stay there as there are responsibilities that he needs to take care of. This sudden change has been brought about by the persona’s mindset, which impacts his reaction to the discovery. Therefore, the poem shows that discoveries can be fresh and intensely meaningful in emotional and spiritual ways as it broadens the persona’s perspective of the world around him.

Similarly, the novel The Book Thief by Markus Zusak conveys the notion that discoveries can be fresh and intensely meaningful in emotional and intellectual ways and can lead to further discoveries. Throughout the novel, Liesel learns to read and realises the potential harm of words. She is infuriated by Hitler’s abuse of the power of words and the pain that can come out of it. She discovers that word can be used in harmful circumstances, when Hitler dehumanises and denigrates the Communists and Jews. In Stopping by woods on a Snowy Evening, the persona’s discovery has emotional and spiritual impacts. He discovers that he prefers solitude and quiet reflection then being with a large amount of people. This notion is different between both texts because although they both are meaningful and fresh, they encompass differing impacts.

In the novel, The Book Thief, Liesel discovers that words can be intensely meaningful through both emotional and intellectual ways and that discoveries can shift our perspectives of the world. The novel is set in Germany during World war two, and is narrated by the extremely overworked character of death. Liesel steals her first book from the edge of her brother’s grave. This experience was “1. The last time she saw her brother. 2. The last time she saw her mother". The listing of this quote conveys the significance of this book to Liesel. As her mother cannot take care of her due to the war she is given to foster parents. After her regular nightmares, her papa would start to teach her how to read. She explains that, “it was not so much the school that helped me to read. It was Papa.” Through this experience, she became closer to her Papa, learning to love words and desiring to be able to read more books.

During Liesel's time in the Hitler Youth, she took part in a book burning. This practise was used to cleanse Germany of all undesirable books, namely those that didn’t promote the Nazi regime. Liesel felt conflicted at the time, over both hatred and curiosity. This is further emphasised through the reflective quote, “Something inside her told her this was a crime - after all, her three books were the most precious items she owned - she was compelled to see the thing lit.” This event conveyed the enormous power the Nazi’s had over the books they believed were unacceptable. They were perceived to be powerful, as they contained ideas that the Nazi’s feared and didn’t want the population to read. The simile and visual imagery of the line, “Flames and burning books were cheered like heroes”, expressed how the audience was both enthralled and captivated by the burning books. Liesel soon begins to despise the way words have been used by Hitler to target groups such as the Communists and Jews. Her extreme hurt through the exclamation of "I hate the Führer. […] I hate him", further explores her discovery of Hitler’s misuse of words to create a xenophobia of outsiders and groups that he didn’t approve of. It also conveys Liesel’s change in perspective of the government and rejection of the Nazi party's ideals. The last line of Liesel’s book, ’I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right”, conveys that she has grasped the power of words. She wishes to use words for compassionate reasons rather than those that could cause harm as she is drawn to their power to heal and form friendships.  Therefore, throughout the novel, Liesel’s discoveries are emotionally and intellectually meaningful as they allow her to form new perspectives on the world around her. The ramifications of her discoveries are very different to those portrayed throughout Frost’s poetry due to the persona’s unique experiences.

Throughout Frost’s poem, Mending Wall the persona makes new discoveries that are emotionally and spiritual meaning and impact his perspective of the world around him. The poem is set in the farming lifestyle of New England. The persona and his neighbour meet each year at Spring to mend the wall between their properties. This has been a longstanding tradition, since frost destroys the wall each winter. The phrase ‘something that doesn’t love a wall ….. frozen ground swells under it’ conveys the damage that the frost makes to the wall. Their is a pun on Frost’s name suggesting that he doesn’t like walls and wishes to tear them down. Walls are also used in the poem as a metaphor to portray barriers between or in people as seen through the neighbour’s unquestionable response of, ‘Good fences make good neighbours’.

Each Spring, the men come together to mend the wall. The irony created through the phrase ‘we meet to walk the line/and set the wall between us once again’, shows that the men have come together in order to stay apart. The protagonist believes that there is no need for a wall explaining their actions as ‘just another kind of outdoor game.’ This metaphor conveys the futility of their work because the wall is destroyed each year. Throughout this process, the persona discovers that the neighbour resists and is unwilling to change. The neighbour believes that the wall is an essential part of life. However, the writer describes his neighbour ‘like an old-stone savage armed’. This simile portrays how the man is set in the past and upholds his traditions. He is armed to protect his traditions that he wishes to keep. The neighbour’s unwillingness to change is also seen throughout the line ‘he will not go behind his father’s saying’. This metaphor conveys that the neighbour will not question his father’s beliefs or develop any new ideas. Through this discovery, the character learns that he has the opposite perspective to the neighbour and thus discovers and embrace new ideas. He learns that he is more willing to change and is opposed to walls/barriers in life. Hence, in the poem discoveries are emotional and spiritual as the persona finds new perspectives on himself and the world around him.

To a great extent, discovers may share similar aspects but will have varied impacts due to the persona’s unique mindset and experiences. This is skillfully portrayed throughout the poetry of Robert Frost. His poem, Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening, conveys a man’s journey through the woods and the peace he finds within it. His discovery is fresh and intensely meaningful in emotional, and spiritual ways as he discovers new ideas about himself and the world around him. The novel, The Book Thief, by Markus Zusak, is narrated by the character of death and shows Liesel, discovering the power of words during World War Two. Her discoveries were intensely meaningful through intellectual and emotional ways and her discoveries shifted her perspectives on the world around her.The poem, Mending Wall explores a  man’s discovery that his neighbour is unwilling to change and is steadfast in his beliefs. He discovers that he is more willing to change and is opposed to barriers in life. The persona makes new discoveries by engaging in shared experiences which then impacted his perspective on the world around him. It is evident that although discoveries will have many shared features, they will have differing ramifications due to the persona’s unique mindset and experiences.
« Last Edit: July 20, 2017, 07:17:56 pm by katie,rinos »
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pikachu975

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #403 on: July 20, 2017, 09:07:09 pm »
Hey, just wondering how many essay markings do I have available and how many spare posts I've got?

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jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #404 on: July 21, 2017, 01:30:46 am »
hey hey hey!
here's my area of study essay, feedback would be SO appreciated.
thanks for all your dedication team xoxoxo

Hey Savannah! Thanks for posting your essay. So sorry for not letting you know earlier, but you require 25 posts on ATAR Notes to qualify for feedback on an essay. The marking threads are really busy right now and this is just our way of prioritising :)

is this a proper a discovery essay for my trials ?

Ditto for you Vanessa, you'll need 25 posts to get feedback on this ;D sorry for the inconvenience guys!

Hey guys,
I did an essay for discovery based on the AOS paper that Atar notes put up. Would you please be able to read through it and give me some feedback? What mark do you think that this essay should get? I know at the moment it is way too long but my teacher said that we needed to have the processes for discovery for each text (Persona's situation at beginning, catalyst, process, discovery and impact). Do you have any ways that I can get the word count down because there is no way that I can write this many word in 40min and I don't think that i'm rambling too much. Also, should I be trying to write integrated essays (In Emily's lecture she said that they were the better way to write an essay)? If so, how can I turn this essay into an integrated one.
Thanks so much,
Katie

We'll get this feedback ASAP Katie ;D

Hey, just wondering how many essay markings do I have available and how many spare posts I've got?

According to my spreadsheet, right now you've got enough posts for two more essays marked - From there you'd need to hit 120 for your next one, and so on ;D