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Author Topic: Free SOR Essay Marking!  (Read 76481 times)

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elysepopplewell

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #90 on: February 13, 2017, 01:18:47 am »
Hey Guys!! I feel pretty weak in essays, so any advice would be great! Thanks Guys!


Hey SSSS! Welcome back :)

I've put my thoughts in the bold font below for you.
Spoiler
Question: Examine the contribution of Hassidism to the development and expression of Judaism

Hasidim is an orthodox religious movement within Judaism, that was developed in the eighteenth century in Eastern Europe. Because the question is asking you to examine rather than evaluate, you don't need to make a huge judgement here. It's my personal opinion that your first sentence could benefit from an opinion from you, even slightly, just so that you start developing an argument early on and you're not doing describing, but rather examining. Currently, your first sentence describes, and so does your second. Something like "...is a significant orthodox religious..." makes that difference to pull it out of pure description. This isn't necessary to fulfill the question at this stage, it's just about setting the tone for your essay. The contributions proffered by this school of thought includes the emphasis onto the tzaddik system, the importance of joy and sincerity within worship, and the consistent performance of mikvah. These contributions have ultimately provided an incentive towards the development of Judaism, as the Baal Shem Tov, leader of the Hasidim, considered the circumstances the Jews were experiencing including the pogroms that lead to the development and expression of Judaism to be influenced by the rise of the Hasidim. Wonderful sentence!The shift present? towards focusing onto the spiritual dimension has allowed adherents to experience positive impacts including their faith being renewed and revolutionised, however as the circumstances for the Jews improved over time from historical persecution to the present day,, these contributions has had less significance.

The tzaddik system plays a fundamental role within Hasidim, where the development and expression of Judaism has significantly increased as a result. Intrinsically, the classification of leaders was known as tzaddik, the righteous one, followed by its adherents known as Hasid’s. Baal Shem Tov recognised the impact of the massacres occurring in the 17th and 18th century that led adherents to lack faith as being illiterate hence unable to read the Talmud, the Jews were disdained by other followers that were educated. Thus, the BeshT reversed the allocation of the names of tzaddik and Hasid that raised the ordinary Jews status. The development and expression of Judaism was improved to a large extent, as many Jews became more assertive towards their faith and worship that ensured adherents were practising the religious tradition. This sentence is exactly what markers are looking for! As “God loves all Jews without distinction; the greatest Torah genius and scholar and the most simple Jew are loved equally by G-d” expressed within the 36 Aphorisms of BeshT number 7, the overall contribution Hasidim offered enabled adherents to confide and maintain their faith through their worship. The tzaddik system along with the reversal of the names was overall, a major contribution towards the development and expression of Judaism. No qualms here at all!

Furthermore, Hasidim also contributed towards the development and expression of Judaism by expressing that one should attain joy from worship and be sincere. The Baal Shem Tov exemplified that the worship one performs should be predominately focused onto the quality of their actions, rather than the quantity, which ultimately highlights the expression of Judaism focusing onto spirituality rather than delving into traditional Talmud studies. The anecdote of Yom Kipper, a poor Jewish boy who was an illiterate shepherd, had been deeply moved by a Jewish service yet unable to read the prayers, he began to whistle as an offer to God as a gift. The congregation was horrified at the discretion of their service as they boy was yelled at and was going to be thrown out.  The Baal Shem Tov intervened, expressing that their prayers were  “blocked as they tried to reach the heavenly court” yet as the boy’s “whistling was so pure…that it broke through the blockage and brought all of our prayers straight up to God”. This anecdote demonstrates that joy and sincerity are fundamental elements to enable adherents, especially with low socio-economic backgrounds, to sustain their spirituality. “God desires the heart” (Talmud Sanhearih 1066) rather than worshipping through Talmud studies, that illustrates the importance of these humane values, sincerity and joy,  that Hasidim introduces within Judaism. Hence, the contribution of reinforcing the vitality of these values of joy and sincerity enables the development and expression of Judaism. This last sentence here brings it all together, but unlike your first body paragraph, you aren't linking the details to the judgement and the question. So what we're seeing is some great description, I have no doubt that you understand what you're writing here (or if you don't know yourself, you're doing a very good job at bluffing ;) ), because what you're writing is coherent. It's just about your essay structure now, I wouldn't go any more than two sentences before you need to drop a line that links it back to the question, otherwise we fall into description and move away from examine. Because we're examining, we're testing, scrutinising, and investigating in order to make that evaluative statement that relates to the question: what has been the contribution to the development and expression of Judaism?

In addition, Hasidim places an enormous emphasis onto practising Mitzvah on a daily basis which has influenced the development and expression of Judaism. As a ritual pool is used where individuals are washed “thoroughly from my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin” (Psalm 51:2), Great embedding quote. Hasidim places an enormous focus onto this practise by recommending adherents to complete mitzvah on a daily routine. As individuals felt a lack of faith because of their illiteracy in the 18th century, thus unable to read the Talmud, Mitzvah ultimately enabled individuals to purify themselves thus attain higher levels of spiritual development. As Hasidim’s prime focus on mitzvah enables spiritual growth, the less frequent prayers ensures that rather than completing a set of prayers, adherents are able to focus onto the two elements, devekus and hislahavus, that enable individuals to attain an improved spirituality. Overall, the consistency required of mitzvah and the non frequent prayers elaborate onto the importance of attaining a higher spiritual level with God by focusing onto the quality of the worship. A similar issue persists in this paragraph. Here, we've set up the entire paragraph for the moment where you'll say "Thus..." or "Therefore...Judaism has been developed..." So when we talk about the Mitzvah being a solution for the problems caused by illiteracy, we should be making evaluative statements about the value for this in gaining, and strengthening, adherents in the 18th century...then link it to how this has shaped present day Judaism to prove the significance of the idea.

Ultimately, Hasidim has played a significant role towards the development and expression of Judaism. The contributions it has provided has led towards the development and expression of Judaism, << This bit here says nothing different to the sentence prior. that rather than focusing onto traditional study of the Talmud, it emphasises onto individuals are able to attain higher spiritual level through the joy and sincerity towards their worship. Thus, this has made the religion more accessible, leading to its development, but it has also altered the expression of the faith. Hence, the contributions such as the emphasis onto the tzaddik system along with the reversal of names, importance of joy and sincerity, and increased performance of mitzvah, has ultimately led to Judaism to develop.

The bulk of the comments are throughout the essay, the main thing is to work on structurally examining rather than describing. The second thing I'll mention is that it might be worth mapping out what is a contribution to development, and what is a contribution to expression. They are often not the same and this could richen your essay by teasing them out for what they're individually worth. So, if something makes the religion more accessible, perhaps we could say it develops the religion by opening it up to new adherents, or adherents who felt disillusioned. But if something shifts the way that worship is actioned or perceived, then that is a contribution to the expression. Often, the contributions to the expression will eventually lead to being a contribution to the development. It's not necessary that you differentiate these in order to fulfill the marking criteria, it's more for your sake to give you more clarity, and thus more meat for your essay.

You do a wonderful job with expression in your writing, you're often clear and concise. Your use of embedded quotes is always seamless and very professional, you'll be rewarded for that!

Let me know if something isn't quite clear and I'm always happy to help :)
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SSSS

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #91 on: February 13, 2017, 10:09:28 pm »
Thank you so much!! Everything you said was clear, and I know what to do with this essay and the next I'll be practising. I just wanted to ask if 3 body paragraphs is enough or four is required?? And just thank you so much. I can't believe 15 posts is equal to amazing feedback that I would never receive from school!!

elysepopplewell

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #92 on: February 14, 2017, 02:10:21 am »
Thank you so much!! Everything you said was clear, and I know what to do with this essay and the next I'll be practising. I just wanted to ask if 3 body paragraphs is enough or four is required?? And just thank you so much. I can't believe 15 posts is equal to amazing feedback that I would never receive from school!!


Woohoo! I'm glad you're happy :)
Three body paragraphs may be all it needs. If you have more to say that extends on your main points, then by all means move into four paragraphs. Right now, there's no need for you to split your current three into four. You'd only do it if you had another strong argument.
I find that when you look at ethics, there's much more of an argument/counterargument situation. I think that this encourages more of a debate-style structure which would usually lead to more paragraphs, even if it doesn't lead to more words, just shorter paragraphs.

Ultimately, there's no required amount of paragraphs and you've done a great job with three, I'm just trying to say that different structures of essays may lend themselves to more paragraphs, but this definitely suits the essay's purpose :)
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CaitlinSavins

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #93 on: February 25, 2017, 12:44:17 pm »
Could someone offer some feedback on my SOR1 essay before I submit it to my teacher for marking please?
 
In response to the 2012 Studies of Religion 1 question: "The significant people and schools of thought in Buddhism that have the most impact are those that challenge adherents to follow Buddhist teachings more closely." How accurate is this statement in relation to ONE significant person or school of thought, other than the Buddha?

Spoiler
The statement that the most impactful and significant people in Buddhism are those that invite adherents to apply the teachings more liberally, such as the XIVth Dalai Lama Tenzin Gyatso, is extremely accurate. By undertaking actions such as establishing 200 monasteries in India after fleeing Tibet, endorsing policies of non-violence despite Chinese aggression and advocating for greater protection of human and environmental rights, the Dalai Lama is able to promote dharmic teachings, including ahimsa, the Five Precepts and the Eightfold Path. By acting as in the true nature of a spiritual leader, Buddhists will have a greater inclination to increase the teachings’ application in their lives.

After fleeing Chinese annexation of his native Tibet and seeking refuge in neighbouring India, the XIVth Dalai Lama chose to establish over 200 Buddhist monasteries, which demonstrates a significant degree of adherence to prajna and karuna. This action was important as it helped preserve Buddhist culture from afar, and provided to other Tibetan refugees a familiar and comforting spiritual centre to continue to meditate. This demonstrates a strong adherence to the teaching of the Eightfold Path, specifically prajna, as it shows that the Dalai Lama has attained enough wisdom to understand the necessity of preserving Tibetan Buddhist religion and providing solace to Tibetan Buddhists. Further, the action of establishing such a volume of monasteries displays the Dalai Lama’s observance of the teaching of karuna as he undertook this action, despite it not being required of him, to benefit his fellow monks in India. This demonstrates compassion for his fellow human beings because it shows his understanding of the spiritual needs of people in exile and sets an example for how to provide aid, especially spiritual, to those abroad. Thus, the Dalai Lama’s actions provide a strong example to his Buddhist followers how to apply the fundamental teachings to their daily lives by promoting the use of wisdom and compassion in life.

Despite the aggression shown by the invading Chinese, the Dalai Lama endorsed and practiced a policy of non-violence. Within his Five Point Peace Plan, he proclaimed that, “…lasting peace can only be achieved if we think in terms of broader interest rather than parochial needs.” This is significant, because it demonstrates the Dalai Lama’s value of peace as it prevents the occurrence of war breaking out between the much more powerful China and Tibet, and allows him to focus on solidifying the peace between the two nations with his Five Point Peace Plan. Though it can be argued that this contribution to Buddhism cannot be considered significant as ultimately China dismissed this plan and continued to act as aggressors, this demonstrates to his follows that the Dalai Lama values diplomacy and peace over war and will actively seek the same in his own spiritual existence, evidenced by his urging for “…the Chinese leadership to exercise wisdom.” By applying the teaching of ahimsa to both political and spiritual pursuits, the Dalai Lama challenges his fellow Buddhists to apply this teaching and their devotion to the dharma more liberally, and to actively seek non-violent solutions when faced with aggressors. Thus, by establishing his Ahimsa Policy, the Dalai Lama communicates to the sangha that this teaching is important and has a widespread application.

The XIVth Dalai Lama’s outspoken advocacy for environmental protection communicates to his fellow Buddhists that applying the principles of the First Precept and prajna can benefit the environment. The Dalai Lama encourages a less superficial application of the First Precept: “Our practice of nonviolence applies not just to human beings but to all sentient beings.” While this wisdom is important to Buddhists and non-Buddhists alike, as it shows clear concern for the future of the planet in regards to every living being, this advocacy is of great significance to Buddhism as a whole. The First Precept encourages the avoidance of harming living beings, and by encouraging mindfulness in regards to the environment, the Dalai Lama is able to guide the efforts of Buddhists to show concern for the living beings affected by its degradation. Further, he applies a less superficial application of sila by doing so, and consequently invites Buddhists to emulate this. By asserting that the management of the environment requires some application of moral virtues including right action and right livelihood, he demonstrates that the dharma is thoroughly applied to his politics and spiritualism, providing to Buddhists a figure to emulate spiritually.

The statement that “the significant people […] in Buddhism that have the most impact are those that challenge adherents to follow Buddhist teachings more closely” can be verified by reflecting upon the XIVth Dalai Lama and his actions regarding the construction of 200 Buddhist temples while in exile, policy of non-violence towards the Chinese and advocacy for environmental protection. These actions demonstrate that the dharmic teachings of the first of the Five Precepts, sila and prajna within the Eightfold Path and ahimsa can have a profounder application within the lives of Buddhists, and embolden them to seek to emulate him. Ergo, the aforementioned statement that those in Buddhism who encourage Buddhists to follow dharmic teachings more closely are the individuals who hold the most spiritual and political significance.

Thank you!!

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #94 on: February 26, 2017, 03:29:02 pm »
Could someone offer some feedback on my SOR1 essay before I submit it to my teacher for marking please?
 
In response to the 2012 Studies of Religion 1 question: "The significant people and schools of thought in Buddhism that have the most impact are those that challenge adherents to follow Buddhist teachings more closely." How accurate is this statement in relation to ONE significant person or school of thought, other than the Buddha? [/i

Hey Caitlin! I'd be happy to help - Though disclaimer, I didn't study Buddhism, so take my feedback with a grain of salt! Can definitely comment on structure and analysis, but not knowing the content, can't be sure there! Our SOR moderator Sarah may be able to lend a hand with any Buddhism-specific queries, in addition to this feedback ;D

Spoiler
The statement that the most impactful and significant people in Buddhism are those that invite adherents to apply the teachings more liberally, such as the XIVth Dalai Lama Tenzin Gyatso, is extremely accurate. Fantastic start - Immediately address the question. It's simple but it works. By undertaking actions such as establishing 200 monasteries in India after fleeing Tibet, endorsing policies of non-violence despite Chinese aggression and advocating for greater protection of human and environmental rights, the Dalai Lama is able to promote dharmic teachings, including ahimsa, the Five Precepts and the Eightfold Path. Excellent run down of the essay structure. By acting as in the true nature of a spiritual leader, Buddhists will have a greater inclination to increase the teachings’ application in their lives. Great introduction! To enhance it further, you could integrate the idea of 'dynamic living religion,' that you learned in Year 11, which you are leaning towards anyway. The most impactful Buddhists are those that promote a dynamic and living religious tradition by ensuring that teachings are applicable in a contemporary context, or something? It's a great way to add a layer of sophistication.

After fleeing Chinese annexation of his native Tibet and seeking refuge in neighbouring India, the XIVth Dalai Lama chose to establish over 200 Buddhist monasteries, which demonstrates a significant degree of adherence to prajna and karuna. Excellent introduction, but it would be better if it referenced the adherent somewhere - The focus of this response is impact on adherents and so that phrasing/idea should appear often. This action was important as it helped preserve Buddhist culture from afar, and provided to other Tibetan refugees a familiar and comforting spiritual centre to continue to meditate. This demonstrates a strong adherence to the teaching of the Eightfold Path, specifically prajna, as it shows that the Dalai Lama has attained enough wisdom to understand the necessity of preserving Tibetan Buddhist religion and providing solace to Tibetan Buddhists. Again, no knowledge, but it definitely seems you are integrating the teachings and beliefs extremely well. Further, the action of establishing such a volume of monasteries displays the Dalai Lama’s observance of the teaching of karuna as he undertook this action, despite it not being required of him, to benefit his fellow monks in India. This demonstrates compassion for his fellow human beings because it shows his understanding of the spiritual needs of people in exile and sets an example for how to provide aid, especially spiritual, to those abroad. Be careful not to just list how the Dalai Lama represents/practices these teachings, how does this help the adherent follow those teachings more closely? If it acts as a relatable model of behaviour, then say this throughout not just at the end! Thus, the Dalai Lama’s actions provide a strong example to his Buddhist followers how to apply the fundamental teachings to their daily lives by promoting the use of wisdom and compassion in life. This is a strong paragraph, but it did slip away a bit at the end - I feel the paragraph is more about the example set by the Dalai Lama in general rather than the monasteries specifically. Ensure your topic sentence always matches your concluding sentence!

Despite the aggression shown by the invading Chinese, the Dalai Lama endorsed and practiced a policy of non-violence. Again, what about this helps the adherent follow the teaching more closely? Within his Five Point Peace Plan, he proclaimed that, “…lasting peace can only be achieved if we think in terms of broader interest rather than parochial needs.” Nice use of a quote to further your point. This is significant, because it demonstrates the Dalai Lama’s value of peace as it prevents the occurrence of war breaking out between the much more powerful China and Tibet, and allows him to focus on solidifying the peace between the two nations with his Five Point Peace Plan. Though it can be argued that this contribution to Buddhism cannot be considered significant as ultimately China dismissed this plan and continued to act as aggressors, this demonstrates to his follows that the Dalai Lama values diplomacy and peace over war and will actively seek the same in his own spiritual existence, evidenced by his urging for “…the Chinese leadership to exercise wisdom.” Good, but you need to be linking to the modern adherent to, and exploring adherence more generally - Right now you are responding saying how the Dalai Lama reflects Buddhist teachings, NOT how his work allows/encourages others to adhere to the teachings more readily. By applying the teaching of ahimsa to both political and spiritual pursuits, the Dalai Lama challenges his fellow Buddhists to apply this teaching and their devotion to the dharma more liberally, and to actively seek non-violent solutions when faced with aggressors. Better! That's what I needed earlier in this paragraph - More sentences need to be like this! Thus, by establishing his Ahimsa Policy, the Dalai Lama communicates to the sangha that this teaching is important and has a widespread application. Another good paragraph that needs more of a focus on the adherent, and not just the Dalai Lama's work.

The XIVth Dalai Lama’s outspoken advocacy for environmental protection communicates to his fellow Buddhists that applying the principles of the First Precept and prajna can benefit the environment. Thus having a significant impact on the religion by enabling it to be dynamic and living. Or something. Just a stronger link to the question/Thesis itself! The Dalai Lama encourages a less superficial application of the First Precept: “Our practice of nonviolence applies not just to human beings but to all sentient beings.” While this wisdom is important to Buddhists and non-Buddhists alike, as it shows clear concern for the future of the planet in regards to every living being, this advocacy is of great significance to Buddhism as a whole. The First Precept encourages the avoidance of harming living beings, and by encouraging mindfulness in regards to the environment, the Dalai Lama is able to guide the efforts of Buddhists to show concern for the living beings affected by its degradation. This paragraph is better - It is focusing on what adherents (contemporary or otherwise) have gained from the work of the Dalai Lama, and how this guides them in the application of the beliefs. Further, he applies a less superficial application of sila by doing so, and consequently invites Buddhists to emulate this. By asserting that the management of the environment requires some application of moral virtues including right action and right livelihood, he demonstrates that the dharma is thoroughly applied to his politics and spiritualism, providing to Buddhists a figure to emulate spiritually. A stronger paragraph than above - Nicely done. From my limited perspective, lots of good analysis here.

The statement that “the significant people […] in Buddhism that have the most impact are those that challenge adherents to follow Buddhist teachings more closely” can be verified by reflecting upon the XIVth Dalai Lama and his actions regarding the construction of 200 Buddhist temples while in exile, policy of non-violence towards the Chinese and advocacy for environmental protection. These actions demonstrate that the dharmic teachings of the first of the Five Precepts, sila and prajna within the Eightfold Path and ahimsa can have a profounder application within the lives of Buddhists, and embolden them to seek to emulate him. Ergo, the aforementioned statement that those in Buddhism who encourage Buddhists to follow dharmic teachings more closely are the individuals who hold the most spiritual and political significance. Solid conclusion! Addresses the question, restates your position, runs down the arguments - Not much I'd change here!

A really great essay Caitlin! You've got a great academic writing style here - Very easy to follow your arguments.

Great Thesis, structure and conclusion - The argument is laid out well in advance and presented/structured excellently. The question is definitely answered welll in the Thesis and this carries through reasonably well into your paragraph topic sentences. I'd like to see more reference to the question, more integration of words like "impact," "adherent," - To evidence that you are still on track, at the start of each paragraph. Just slightly stronger links would elevate the work!

I think my main piece of feedback is in how you argue your points. Be careful not to slip into just, "This endeavour by the Dalai Lama shows this Buddhist teaching." That's only 1/3 of the way there - The question demands that you explore how the actions of your personality enable adherents to practice their beliefs more effectively by following teachings more closely. It's a tough thing to do, but you showed me it in places so you CAN do it! Just always ask, when talking about something the Dalai Lama has done: Why is this important to a contemporary Buddhist, or any Buddhist? What about this allows them to follow teachings more closely?

Finally, look at integrating the idea of a dynamic/living religion! It's a nice thing to add to an essay, especially for a question like this. Remember, the question is looking at obeying teachings - This makes the religion dynamic and living! It's a great link to make and it can make it easier to thread the idea of adherence through the response :)

But great work! A really great essay - I hope my limited feedback as a non-Buddhist studier was at least a little helpful :) :) :)

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #95 on: February 26, 2017, 08:12:48 pm »
Could someone offer some feedback on my SOR1 essay before I submit it to my teacher for marking please?
 
In response to the 2012 Studies of Religion 1 question: "The significant people and schools of thought in Buddhism that have the most impact are those that challenge adherents to follow Buddhist teachings more closely." How accurate is this statement in relation to ONE significant person or school of thought, other than the Buddha?
Hey Caitlin! I'd be happy to help - Though disclaimer, I didn't study Buddhism, so take my feedback with a grain of salt! Can definitely comment on structure and analysis, but not knowing the content, can't be sure there! Our SOR moderator Sarah may be able to lend a hand with any Buddhism-specific queries, in addition to this feedback ;D

Hey Caitlin! I just had a read of your essay as well as Jamon's feedback and I've got a few pointers I can add in terms of your content 😃

You've covered some really solid aspects of the Dalai Lama's work; the Tibetan monasteries in India, non-violence and the environment. I also really love your use of terminology like karuna etc.

However there's another MAJOR impact that the Dalai Lama has had that I think could be worth while looking into: his contribution to the spread of Buddhism to the Western world + modernisation of Buddhism. The Dalai Lama has been instrumental in separating core Buddhist beliefs from the culture that has surrounded them for centuries. This has made Buddhism more accessible to people like us, living in the Western world. The Dalai Lama is a major role model and influencer; he's got a huge following on Facebook, YouTube and Twitter as well as publishing heaps of books - not what you'd expect from a Tibetan Buddhist leader living in rural India! Check out my Buddhism notes in the Notes section if you want to look at this idea more.

I had quite a few paragraph ideas ready to go and then chose which ones fitted the question the most logically. So this would depend on whether its an impact or contribution question or even a combined person/ethic/practice one.

In my opinion it seems like you're sitting in a really strong Band 5/6 so one to add another level of sophistication is to work on drenching your essay with relevant facts and knowledge. Basically don't give the marker any reason not to give you 100%. For example it could be impressive to have the English translation of Sanskrit terms e.g. prajna (wisdom) as well as including details like "Five Point Peace Plan (1987)" as well as the fact that he received the Noble Peace Prize in 1969.
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12070

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #96 on: March 15, 2017, 04:20:02 pm »
Hey guys, would love to get some harsh feedback on this essay as I'm really struggling with it. 2013 HSC question by the way.

jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #97 on: March 15, 2017, 06:06:22 pm »
Hey guys, would love to get some harsh feedback on this essay as I'm really struggling with it. 2013 HSC question by the way.

Hey 12070! Welcome to the forums! ;D

Thanks for posting your essay! To receive feedback, you need 15 posts on ATAR Notes for every piece you'd like marked. This is just to make sure the markers can keep up, and makes sure we can spend the 30 mins - 1 hour we like to spend giving proper help :) check out the essay marking rules for more details!

So hang around the site for a bit! Ask questions and have a chat - You'll build up the 15 posts really quick, then just let me know when you do! :)

12070

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #98 on: March 15, 2017, 07:09:29 pm »
Okay no worries. I don't know how to reply directly back to you. Also how would recommend studying for section II of the SOR 2 exam because my mid-course is on section 2 and 3 and we have been given the question for section 3 as you may have seen.

jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #99 on: March 15, 2017, 07:19:30 pm »
Okay no worries. I don't know how to reply directly back to you. Also how would recommend studying for section II of the SOR 2 exam because my mid-course is on section 2 and 3 and we have been given the question for section 3 as you may have seen.

If you are in a web browser, there should be a 'Quote' button to the top right of my post! You can use that ;D

The best way to study for short answer sections is to practice. Grab some past HSC papers or practice questions and do the short answer questions (and get feedback on your answers from somewhere if you can). Ultimately, using the knowledge is the best way to retain the knowledge!! ;D

You should also make a good set of notes/palm cards/posters for your revision, if you have the time! Alternatively you could use some of the FREE notes we have for download ;D

12070

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #100 on: March 15, 2017, 07:38:30 pm »
If you are in a web browser, there should be a 'Quote' button to the top right of my post! You can use that ;D

The best way to study for short answer sections is to practice. Grab some past HSC papers or practice questions and do the short answer questions (and get feedback on your answers from somewhere if you can). Ultimately, using the knowledge is the best way to retain the knowledge!! ;D

You should also make a good set of notes/palm cards/posters for your revision, if you have the time! Alternatively you could use some of the FREE notes we have for download ;D

Okay thanks, I'll definitely check them out. My main problem is how much to put into each section. Our teacher told us that there will be a 3 marker on the practice, 5 marker on ethical teaching and 7 marker on significant person. In class we did practice questions on bioethics and I wrote 1 and a half pages on abortion and 1 page on euthanasia. How would I write a succinct 5 mark response on bioethics for example?

12070

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #101 on: March 16, 2017, 07:35:01 pm »
Okay this is my 15th post. I would really appreciate all the feedback possible to get a 20/20. I'm really struggling on specifically linking my paragraphs to the question and finding quotes that directly link to what I'm saying. Be as critical and strident as you want (I won't mind)

Thanks in advance :)

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #102 on: March 16, 2017, 08:28:19 pm »
Okay thanks, I'll definitely check them out. My main problem is how much to put into each section. Our teacher told us that there will be a 3 marker on the practice, 5 marker on ethical teaching and 7 marker on significant person. In class we did practice questions on bioethics and I wrote 1 and a half pages on abortion and 1 page on euthanasia. How would I write a succinct 5 mark response on bioethics for example?

Woops, sorry I missed this! As a general guide for length:

3 - A small to moderate paragraph
5 - A long paragraph
7 - Multiple paragraphs

But it totally depends on the question and how much time you can invest given your strengths!! Ditto for how you construct the response, depends very much on the question - Happy to help you with a specific example if you have one? ;D

Okay this is my 15th post. I would really appreciate all the feedback possible to get a 20/20. I'm really struggling on specifically linking my paragraphs to the question and finding quotes that directly link to what I'm saying. Be as critical and strident as you want (I won't mind)

Thanks in advance :)

Will jump on this in the next 24 hours for you! ;D

jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #103 on: March 17, 2017, 12:22:58 pm »
Hey guys, would love to get some harsh feedback on this essay as I'm really struggling with it. 2013 HSC question by the way.

Alrighty 12070, here is your feedback! It's in the spoiler below, comments in bold ;D

Essay
In your study of religious traditions, you have focussed on the three different aspects shown in the diagram below.  Use this diagram to answer your essay.
Discuss the relationship between at least TWO of the aspects shown in the diagram, and the way they contribute to Islam as a living religious tradition.


Religion is an active and living tradition when it enables adherents to connect to their beliefs in day to day life. This notion is evident in Islam as it is comprised of various interrelated aspects evident in the diagram above. Through the contribution of core ethical teachings, theological works of influential individuals and rituals such as bioethics, A’isha Bint Abu Bakr and Hajj; a basis is provided for adherent’s to connect to their beliefs in everyday life. I like this introduction! Simple, but effective - I'd like you to add "thus contributing to Islam as an active and living religion tradition" to the end of that last sentence. Just to really hammer home that you are answering the question.

Bioethics is the study of what is morally right or wrong in situations aimed to increase the quality of human life. Islamic bioethics are derived from two main sources: The Shari’ah and moral principles. The Shari’ah classifies all actions from required (fard) to prohibited (haram). Moral principles are derived from the Qur’an and Sunnah as laid down by the hadith. These introductory sentences, while they would be appropriate in a "Describe" question, they are not necessary here. Try and re-shift your opening to answer the question, discussing how ethics are applied to make Islam a living religious tradition. These sources allow adherents to understand their principle beliefs and connect with the teachings of Allah. For example, Islam stresses the sanctity of life as a gift from Allah that must be respected as stated in the Qur’an. Is you have a specific reference here, a Surat/Verse, that would make this analysis more powerful. Allah is believed to have assigned humans the highest status in the natural hierarchy, thus giving Muslim’s the ability to reason their understanding of morals and ethics and the expectation that adherents will use these gifts with respect and for the greater good reflecting how Muslim’s should live their lives. How does this relate to making Islam a living religious tradition? Continually refer back to the question. As life is a gift from Allah, it thus follows that only he may determine an individual’s fate and their time of death. “To Allah belongs the Kingdom of the heavens and Earth. He creates what he pleases.” As a result, both suicide and euthanasia are prohibited as they interfere with Allah’s divine plan. However, drugs may be administered that ease an individual through the dying process so long as the side effects do no result in the hastening of death. Again, these specifics are not relevant unless you link them to living religious tradition, or to the beliefs they are connecting with. It is permissible for life support and the artificial prolongation of life to be discontinued as the Islamic code of medical ethics states “If it is scientifically certain that life cannot be restored, then it is futile to diligently keep the patient in a vegetative state by heroic means or to preserve the patient by deep freezing or other artificial methods.” Be sure that your paragraphs have a proper conclusion - "Thus, it is clear how Islamic principles of bioethics are applied in relevant ways to contribute to Islam as a living religious tradition." Or something.

Similarly, Aisha Bint Abu Bakr was a key figure in the contribution to Islam as a living religious tradition. That's a better topic sentence! Aisha was well educated in the Sunnah and Qur’an due to Muhammad’s guidance in her education and is a major source of the Hadith, reportedly contributing 2000 of the prophet’s sayings as well as two contributions to the Qur’an as a result of her experiences. Thus, her work is pivotal in the application of ETHICAL PRINCIPLES - This is the perfect chance to start highlighting the relationships between the aspects, a key part of the question. Aisha was often called upon to act as an interpreter of the Qur’an to apply to situations from which other disagreements arose. As a result, she became an authority figure in Islam, preserving the texts and contributing interpretations that allowed the faith to be further developed after Muhammad’s death. You could easily link to ethical teachings here as well - You need to be drawing these links to really be addressing the question. Discussing them all completely separately is not going to do the job by itself. She also promoted the faith through her participation in and clarification of zaikai (the pillar of almsgiving) and the rituals of Hajj. Lots of good info in this paragraph, but you've not mentioned "living religious tradition" or any of the Islamic core beliefs beyond the first sentence. None of your ideas have been linked to your Thesis or the question!

The essential belief of Islam is the surrender to Allah. This surrender is epitomised through the undertaking of the Hajj, in which the pilgrims must display sacrifice and commitment in order to truly submit to the will of Allah. That's a really nice introduction! Just add something about "living religious" to link it properly to your Thesis and the question. Therefore, connecting Muslims to the true essence of their beliefs and committing Muslims to live an Islamic life. The pilgrimage perfects an individual’s faith through the many challenges within the preparation and the pilgrimage itself that are encountered. These last two sentences seem very vague - In what specific ways are Muslims connected to their beliefs? What specific Beliefs? Specific challenges? Each ritual allows the individual to foster a deeper bond with Allah displayed through the rejection of external temptations. It gives Muslims a chance to attain a sense of absolute forgiveness and purity, thus enhancing their spirituality. and contributing to Islam as a living religious tradition. You MUST be hammering this home!

Through the ongoing significance of bioethics, the contributions of A’sha Bint Abu Bakr, and Hajj, it is clear that Islam provides the adherents with core ethical teachings, rituals and theological works that guide their everyday actions, and drive their spirituality and beliefs. Therefore, it is evident that Islam is a highly dynamic and living religious tradition, as it enables adherents to connect to their beliefs in day to day life. Nice and succinct conclusion too! I wouldn't want much more than this! :)

So when I read the introduction of this essay, I was stoked. It answered the question so well and linked it to beliefs in a really sophisticated way (which is something I'm a big fan of) - You absolutely nailed it. The issue is, your body paragraphs didn't deliver on the promises your Thesis made. Your Thesis said that the different aspects of Islam interacted to give adherents way to connect with their beliefs, thus proving dynamic and living. Then in your essay, you didn't mention any of the specific core beliefs of Islam, you didn't explore the ways the aspects interrelated, and even though you did mention living religious tradition, it was only in your introductions. None of your ideas were directly linked to that concept - As a result, your body didn't answer the question the way your intro promised it would!

Now don't get me wrong, you know your stuff. I can tell - You've got some killer evidence in there for all three aspects (except perhaps Hajj, which was a little limited in specifics compared to the other two, try and achieve a balance!). But I'm looking you to do more with those pieces of knowledge:

- Link the specific pieces of evidence to beliefs - For example, many of the Hadith contributed by A'isha related directly to the belief in Tawhid (the oneness of Allah and submission to Allah - The Arabic terminology gives your response weight!), many bioethical teachings can be linked to the idea of Qadr (predestination and free will) - Those sorts of specific links give powerful examples of Islam as a living religious tradition.
- Link the aspects to each other - It is very easy to link A'isha to Hajj and Bioethics (though probably hard to link Hajj and Bioethics with each other). This is essential, because the question demands you to discuss relationships!

You have the framework of a great essay here - Great Thesis, great examples, strong knowledge. You just need to do more with that knowledge, use it in more specific ways, and that is what will start to elevate you! If you were still looking for specific quotes to back you up, check the Notes sections! I'm pretty sure my notes on A'isha are there (if not I'll find and upload) and you might find stuff on Hajj and Bioethics!

Now if you hang around the site for a bit, you'll know I'm probably the harshest marker here, because I believe in smashing you now so you have a super strong essay later ;) that said, I'd say you are sitting at about 12-13/20 right now, the top of the mid range. With reference to the criteria - You've used relevant terminology in a well structured response, and you've got relevant information, but it isn't linked to your argument effectively, and you've not explored the relationship between the aspects adequately :)

Let me know if I can clarify any of this for you! ;D

12070

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #104 on: March 18, 2017, 04:21:45 pm »
Thanks heaps for this! I have tried taking your advice and made a new paragraph below (and changed my introduction a little) trying to link A'isha and Hajj. Any advice or extra quotes I can add would be greatly appreciated because my teacher loves quotes and I find it really difficult to find quotes relating to what i'm saying.

Thanks again :)

Spoiler
Religion is an active and living tradition when it enables adherents to connect to their beliefs in day to day life. This notion is expressed throughout Islam as it is comprised of various interrelated aspects evident in the diagram above. Through the contribution of core ethical teachings, impacts of influential individuals and rituals, such as bioethics, A’isha Bint Abu Bakr and Hajj; a basis is provided for adherent’s to connect to their beliefs in everyday life.
Thus contributing to Islam as an active and living religious tradition.

Aisha Bint Abu Bakr was a key figure in the contribution to Islam as a living religious tradition.  Aisha was well educated in the Sunnah and Qur’an due to Muhammad’s guidance in her education and is a major source of the Hadith, reportedly contributing 2000 of the prophet’s sayings as well as two contributions to the Qur’an as a result of her experiences. Many of the Hadiths she contributed, connected Muslims to an understanding of their faith and guided them in how to live by Allah’s will, such as their belief in Tawhid (the oneness and submission to Allah). This surrender is epitomised through the undertaking of the Hajj, in which the pilgrims must display sacrifice and commitment in order to truly submit to the will of Allah. This commitment is reflected through attaining a special state of purity called Ihram. In the state of Ihram, adherents wear white garments (also called Ihram) symbolising equality and unity between each of the pilgrims; “…one should not be able to tell a prince from a pauper.”  Muslims are therefore connected to the true essence of their belief in Tawhid, committing Muslims to living an Islamic life and subsequently contributing to Islam as an active and living religious tradition.

Also, I am struggling with my analysis on how bioethics relates to Qadr. I can see how they could connect but I'm not sure how to word.

Islamic core ethical teachings such as bioethics have had a significant impact in the contribution to Islam as a living religious tradition. Bioethics allow adherents to understand their principle beliefs such as Qadr (predestination and free will) connecting Muslims with the teachings of Allah. As life is a gift from Allah, it thus follows that only he may determine an individual’s fate and their time of death. “To Allah belongs the Kingdom of the heavens and Earth. He creates what he pleases.” As a result, both suicide and euthanasia are prohibited as they interfere with Allah’s divine plan. However, drugs may be administered that ease an individual through the dying process so long as the side effects do no result in the hastening of death. It is permissible for life support and the artificial prolongation of life to be discontinued as the Islamic code of medical ethics states “If it is scientifically certain that life cannot be restored, then it is futile to diligently keep the patient in a vegetative state by heroic means or to preserve the patient by deep freezing or other artificial methods.”  Thus, it is clear how Islamic principles of bioethics are applied in relevant ways to contribute to Islam as a living religious tradition."

btw I couldn't find your notes on A'isha

Mod Edit: Posts merged :)
« Last Edit: March 18, 2017, 06:14:03 pm by jamonwindeyer »