Last Year of VCE: Will Elle take a big L?

[Bri MT]

Update: sad again, got 71% in my last experimental design Chem sac, 71% in the ACCESSeducation trial exam I did at school yesterday (are these hard or am I just dumb?) and to top it all off my SEAS application didn’t go though yay 🙃

Spoiler

The will to live is low right now. Maybe this is a sign from the universe this world is useless. It’s so annoying that no matter how hard I try I’m still an idiot. I don’t care about my study scores or getting 40s anymore but it still hurts to know I’ll never be good enough. What’s the point of having “good work ethic” if nothing comes of it. Honestly throwing myself into a bridge is an attractive option, I hate my life so much and it just never gets better, I just wanna be good at something and school is all I have  no friends lol, I’d take all the friends in the world considering how dumb I am. But nope lost out on both fronts

Also yes I know I’m posting a lot but in like a month I won’t be relevant anymore so I may as well enjoy it why it last- I’m sorry that’s annoying I’ll be gone soon enough   

Hey,

You're always going to be relevant to the world and to the people who care about you. No one is forcing people to go through and read your updates and reply and upvote and w/e, people do this to connect with you because they're interested and because they care. You can think you'll never be good enough but you can't possibly know that because you don't know what the future will hold and the headspace you're in rn is unfairly distorting your thoughts, trying to make everything negative it possibly can. It's impossible in that frame of mind to accurately assess the value you bring or what your future holds. These marks you're getting don't make you an idiot - no grade can tell you that.

I've been in a headspace before where I thought me being alive was a bad thing and if I was going through year 12 in that headspace I'm not sure I'd be doing as well academically as you seem to be. Did I believe it would get better? no, not initially. Did it? Absolutely yes. I'm happy to be alive and optimistic for my future etc - not that I know how I could have made myself believe that back then. I'm not going to pretend it's easy to get out from that space but it's 100% possible and so many people have made that transition to believing in themselves and leading fulfilling lives. The mindset you're in rn is lying to you. You could be the next one out. It's hard and it sucks but please keep trying. I believe in you and we're glad you're here. You might not see your value but that doesn't mean it's not there. You're struggling but that doesn't mean you're not "good enough" (whatever that means).

Thank you for being here & for sharing parts of your experience with us

[Yemily]

Update: sad again, got 71% in my last experimental design Chem sac, 71% in the ACCESSeducation trial exam I did at school yesterday (are these hard or am I just dumb?) and to top it all off my SEAS application didn’t go though yay 🙃

Spoiler

The will to live is low right now. Maybe this is a sign from the universe this world is useless. It’s so annoying that no matter how hard I try I’m still an idiot. I don’t care about my study scores or getting 40s anymore but it still hurts to know I’ll never be good enough. What’s the point of having “good work ethic” if nothing comes of it. Honestly throwing myself into a bridge is an attractive option, I hate my life so much and it just never gets better, I just wanna be good at something and school is all I have  no friends lol, I’d take all the friends in the world considering how dumb I am. But nope lost out on both fronts

Also yes I know I’m posting a lot but in like a month I won’t be relevant anymore so I may as well enjoy it why it last- I’m sorry that’s annoying I’ll be gone soon enough   
[/quote]

Hi Elle,

I just stumbled upon your journal today and have only glanced at a page or two, but I have to say, it sounds like we may be from the same school?? (I'm sorry if that sounds creepy, I didn't know how else to say it) It's just cos we had our English/EL trial exams and Chem exam on the same days that you mentioned  but it could just be a coincidence I guess. I'm not going to claim I know what you're going through as a result of moving schools in yr 11, but I hope I can somewhat empathise with your struggles since I moved primary schools 3 times. It's hard. But trust me, there are people who care for you, even if they don't make themselves immediately obvious. You will find them (seems like there are already many on AN ) Also, just to reiterate what so many have said already: you're definitely valued and worthy<3

Regarding Chem, I hope I can provide some reassurance with my anecdote I did 3/4 Chem last year in yr 11 and I understand what you mean by putting in sm effort and reaping so little reward; my SAC scores didn't reflect the sheer amount of effort and tears that went into studying for them. I always lost silly marks on my SAC's, esp on my experimental design one which was at the start of the year. It was really hard to see my peers (other yr 11's doing Chem early) achieving such high SAC scores when I felt I had worked just as hard and was deserving of the same scores. Though things suddenly changed during the middle of the year, when I somehow started scoring in the nineties, that didn't last long. When we started exam prep, I remember I didn't do nearly as many exams as some of my classmates (1 other yr 11 did like 13 in the school holidays alone whereas I think I only did like 14 in total  ) I'm not saying that doing more exams isn't gonna help/you can get by with minimal exam prep. Some of the commercial exams threw me off too and I was so doubtful about scoring well in Chem that I had already selected Chem again for yr 12. However, in the end, despite all the perceptions I had of myself, I scored a 45 in Chem So just remember that anything is possible!

EDIT: soz IDK how to fix the quote coz I'm still pretty new to formatting on AN 

[Coolgalbornin03Lo]

My exit from hell 🔥 🔥

(is that word allowed on AN- if not mods please ban! Or if someone finds me offensive please tell
Me I don’t wanna offend anyone  )

Today was my proper last day and I wanna say I felt sad and I’ll miss every bit the truth is I really won’t. I’m glad it’s over and I ca (soon) feel happy! Or just less ostracised. I only felt sad leaving bio and even then I feel so distant from everyone in the class but my teachers so kind- I’ll miss them ☺️.

Like it started off amazing I got my English comparative SAC back and got 90%😱 highest grade ever. Honestly wish I could go back to the beginning of year 12 and smash it out like this! Honestly the way our school marks is weird and I missed 3 tiny rubric marks they would NOT take off in the real exam! So I’m my mind this essay is closer to 100 percent hehe. Also did you guys notcie my SACs went up in increments of 10? 70—->80—->90 (okay it was actually 83,70,80,83,90 but creative and letter to the editor aren’t on the exam!)

But yeah anyway that was EUPHORIC!!! Then I got my Methods sac and YOUR GIRL PASSED!!!!!!!!!! Got 65%!!!!! And the average was 50-55%. Wowzer I cannot even I was actually on top of the world this morning.

I should be happy with that but I’ve become so numb to it all, I’ll say what I get for my practise exams next week but for now it doesn’t really matter to me because I know the moneys on these Exams.

Anyway back to these dress up blah blah days. Didn’t really participate, didn’t feel the happiness everyone felt because I have no friends to share it with. It’s all so depressing I just want it to be over. The people who I thought were my “friends” are still Constantly hanging out after school without me- not that I wanna go but I wanna at least get the chance to reject them. I’m not going to lie it hurts seeing that stuff on social media and also them talking about the last time they hung out, while I’m there or making new plans while I’m there. I realised I actually don’t like them and I’m quite ready to have no obligation to falsely find their conversations interesting or pretend to care about their self absorbed soliloquy’s . You know what else I realised today? People are so selfish! I always put other people before myself because I don’t want them to be sad (and I’m not as important) but I think I’ve stopped now- otherwise people will walk all over you because they are RUTHLESS.

How I realised all people think is ME, ME, ME

I know this is so petty but in English today I was late and they saved ONE spot so instead of sitting there I went to the other side of the room so the other girl (B) wouldn’t have to sit alone somewhere else, and asked the other girl to come with me so I wouldn’t sit alone but instead she sat there. People are selfish and I hate them. I know this isn’t all people this is probably like 1% of the world. I’m sure no one reading this is like that. I know all my journals seem like HUGE “I hate the world” posts, but they aren’t! I promise! Its just I can’t say too much about myself without someone on here finding me. This is the stuff I mostly keep inside because I don’t wanna upset people. I’m so tired of being alive people are SO annoying.

So all lunchtime I basically dodged the happy friendship groups take photos while I was sweltering inside wondering what was wrong with me lol. But what comforts me is I know as soon as schools done all these friendship groups will break up like it never happened so I’m only going to be behind for a little while. I mean I had GREAT friends in year 7 (thought we’d be friends forever move to America together blah blah) but all great things my come to an end and anyone who thinks otherwise is kidding themselves. My start to real life has been rockyyy. But I guess it’s better not to peak early? Like imagine people who peaked in high school- down hill for the next 80 years of their life, and the highlight was going to a building with other peers whom they are forced to be with for 6 years.

I also realised this really isn’t my fault. I think I’m lonely because I can’t fake friendship. 95% of people at school are often friends out of convenience- they are forced together for 6 hours a day, 5 days a week, 40 weeks a year. I don’t truly believe anybody likes anybody, maybe it’s all pretend? That’s why I couldn’t fit it? I can’t pretend to be around people I cannot stand. There’s way too many people who just do that thing where they want to one-up you no matter what you say. They just want to make you feel bad, I’m not sure if it’s whether I go to a “competitive” school or it’s what God intended.

Enough of this philosophical talk I’m sure you bored out of your mind. P.S I have a tik tok song stuck in my head- the one that’s played like before and after, like if a celebrity has died or just gotten old. I got guns in my head and they won’t go, spirits in my head and they won’t go.

[dedformed]

HEYYY SO HOW DID I NOT NOTICE YOU HAD A JOURNAL IM SORRY WHAT
*dances frantically*

Sorry for spamming but I opened my laptop to do some work but landed bingeing your journal and this is so inspiring - like wot! I love reading people's journals and since we've communicated through my journal I just want to acknowledge how much I love how genuine you are and how you're always reasonable! (so many exclamation marks, I'll stop). Keep at it, I'm sure you'll achieve the goals you want and the effort will pay off.

*warm smiles*
~penelope~

something i added later

EDIT: also about the friendships thing, I find myself experiencing the same thing and completely agree with the "convenience friendships" thing.  I moved schools this year and I'm always sulking in the corners about how I cant connect with people on a deeper level, but that's okay because I think we're at an age where we're all going through emotional puberty and people clash a lot while trying to "find themselves". I'm sure you'll find like minded amazing people at uni, and get along well with them - and you'll probably see that most of them are more mature and less moody than typical year 12s competing against each other like it's a battleground (or that's what people I know like are, at least).

[The Cat In The Hat]

Congrats on English and Methods!! That English mark is really, really, really good! (The Methods one is also very good but English is outstanding. )

[Coolgalbornin03Lo]

English Tomfoolery 🤡

Yeah so I know I said I’d update with my English trial exam results a few days ago but they were REALLY dodgy. I’m talking about them coming back UNMARKED, people doing only section B and C but getting marks for A (which they DIDNT do) and B only. Not to mention the average was apparently D+ and the highest mark was only 82%! My schools not amazing but they are definitely above average and amazing students who average high 90s in our (hard) SACs getting 77% is not it (according to the teachers). Also the funniest part is this kid doesn’t even go to our school anymore and DIDN’T take this exam but got a mark. That was absolute warning bells!🔔 🔔 🔔 🔔 🔔 🔔 🔔 🔔

The company who wronged so many

Don’t wanna deface the company or do anything illegal but it was boobook.....anyone got experience with this company??? Providing LEGITIMATE marks? I’ve put this in a spoiler in case it’s wrong to do this.

Anyway I pulled a 7,6,6 (14,12,12- one person marked it but they doubled it) but my teacher said to up the mark by 10% so that’s “technically” an 8 in language analysis, and a 7 in TR and comparative. I would actually accept my TR mark as I wrote it in 35 minutes but the feed back was so vague it said: “answer the question” THREE WORDS! What the heck??? Anyway my school isn’t going to pay these guys till they figure out what happened. Kids way better than me in English got 50% why would they do this to us?

I personally suspect marking 200 x 3 English exams in 2 weeks was TOO much for them so they read the opening sentence and boom 2/20 for a COMPLETE ESSAY WHICH DODGED THE PROMPT A LITTLE (when everyone knows a good essay that plays dodgem is a 6/10!) - this person is an English god too!!

In psych exam I got 82% and on my final psych sac I got 78% bringing my average down to 88% although I don’t really care that much- it’s almost over.

I wanna say more but I’m still laughing at the English trial exam. I have improved my writing definitely to at least 7 on section A and B and 8 on Section C but only time will tell if I can push that up. I need to get on planning. And take psych more seriously!

Also it feels liberating I’m close to never seeing some people ever again. CaN yOu ImAgInE?

Also I have this thing where I ask my teachers whether I can get x% on the exam and they all seem confident for 80% maybe even higher! I asked Methods teacher for 50% and he said yes ahaha hopefully!

Anyway that’s all folks! Wow isn’t that refreshing a journal post in which I do not contemplate my existence

[The Cat In The Hat]

RE Boobook

We did Boobook too, the questions threw me for a loop a bit, nothing like what I expected, but then we got back really good fairly detailed feedback (although I was a bit surprised to get as high as I did especially comparing it with the rest of my class and others I'd expect certain marks from). However, we have been being marked by them I think in all SACs as well, so maybe it's different.

How many more days do you have to see your class? Good job for pushing your mark up, anyhow!

[Coolgalbornin03Lo]

RE Boobook

We did Boobook too, the questions threw me for a loop a bit, nothing like what I expected, but then we got back really good fairly detailed feedback (although I was a bit surprised to get as high as I did especially comparing it with the rest of my class and others I'd expect certain marks from). However, we have been being marked by them I think in all SACs as well, so maybe it's different.

How many more days do you have to see your class? Good job for pushing your mark up, anyhow!

The 🐈 in the 🎩

Last week was our last week of classes. This week we just had exam master classes    Also we did the VATE exam! But got it marked by boobook. 

Mini Update ✨

I went to do a full English practise exam today but it was WAY too loud at school so I ended up only doing 2 essays w/o conclusions and my dumb dumb reasoning was “you did a TR yesterday so add that to the L.A and the Comparative today and you get a full exam!” After that I passed out and went shopping for graduation clothing wooh. I also had a mini freak out about bio and my teacher reassured me “it’s just little things” that I don’t know. I don’t understand how my teachers all have faith in me I literally don’t believe I sometimes feel like I’ll get 50% on all my exams because when I think about it the knowledge isn’t in my head I know no bio, Chem or psych or whatever but when the exams come up I do. But I also saw someone who said the nicest thing today giving me a boost of confidence for bio   

Have a good weekend 😊

[Coolgalbornin03Lo]

Today is one week till the English exam😰

I tried writing two essays then gave up and am now sad because that’s 2 hours of the day wasted and it’s only 12 more till I go back to sleep! I did 2 essays yesterday and it was a success. But today none. I’m not really sure what’s happening but I can’t believe these quotes will mean nothing in a week.

Is anyone else finding they get stressed wasting time that could’ve been used elsewhere? Like I could’ve done a bio or psych exam or something! It makes me panic thinking what I could’ve done. I could’ve slept I could’ve been productive. I feel on the verge of a panic attack just thinking about it.

EDIT: spelling mistakes

[The Cat In The Hat]

Today is one week till the English exam😰

I tried writing two essays then gave up and am now sad because that’s 2 hours of the day wasted and it’s only 12 more till I go back to sleep! I did 2 essays yesterday and it was a success. But today none. I’m not really sure what’s happening but I can’t believe these quotes will mean nothing in a week.

Is anyone else finding they get stressed wasting time that could’ve been used elsewhere? Like I could’ve done a bio or psych exam or something! It makes me panic thinking what I could’ve done. I could’ve slept I could’ve been productive. I feel on the verge of a panic attack just thinking about it.

EDIT: spelling mistakes

Try not to stress - use breathing techniques, etc. Also, those hours you spent on English? Not wasted. Even if you feel you did 'give up', it was still exposure to the content, etc., that you wouldn't've got otherwise.
You can do this! You've been working so hard - keep on for another week and English will never be needed again!

[Coolgalbornin03Lo]

I was gonna write some elaborate update dramatically but I really can’t I’m so tired!

It just went bad- if your interested in most of it it’s down below. The thing is I don’t care because I can’t change it.

3 Hours. 3 Essays. 13 years after learning to write its over.

Prologue

Okay so before you read this wall of word vomit- I actually failed the exam and am not getting a 40. I had no adrenaline whatsoever. Everyone’s saying they did so well and then there’s me.......BUT my psychology teacher (yes I went to a psych teacher after the exam hehe) said I must’ve done well if I thought I did badly and the people who thought they did well actually must not have done as well as they thought because people usually either underestimate or over estimate their performance. I found a little comfort in that so hopefully I underestimated my performance but I’ve removed my mind from that 40 in English mindset and reduced it to that 37 in English mindset haha. I do however think since the exam was “easy” and the questions were straight forward people only who included complexity will be rewarded as the topics where quite simple- WHICH MEANS I LOST AGAIN! My ideas were basic- but moving on!

Pre- English Exams

So imagine it’s 8:45 and you found out your in a room with only 20 other people instead of in the auditorium with the other 150 odd English- doers. Your friends give you looks of pity as you leave wishing you good luck as those of you who do psych know, context dependant cues do not exist in that room- I had not been in there since that failure of a language analysis SAC.

Reading Time/Section C

Anyway 9:00. Start reading. BOOM it’s one article which luckily the last 3 language analysis’s you did were only one article because, well I’m not sure why but the 2020 commercial exams and the 2018 vcaa exam said so! It was such a dry article. Come on vcaa. Also everyone saying it’s easy......what? Okay it was easy in the sense for shallow analysis of oh this blah blah rhetorical question but I struggled to find the techniques of appeal to specific target audience which show complexity and to crack that 8-10/10 bracket. Wrote this bad things blah blah.  Predicted 6-7/10 sadly

Despite all that. That section A was probably one of the best ones I’ve ever done- and you guys know I hate section A. Predict 7-8/10

Section B was probably what an assessor will like. The more that I think about it the more I think my ideas were actually pretty complex I just could execute it as eloquently as I’d like (that’s gotta count for something right? ). Predict 7-8/10

Oh and what was weird was the prompts were so bad, I wrote CAB instead of CBA, I think though if I wrote ACB i could’ve done much better! Dumb analysis article, it was horrid!

Anyway gotta go cram psych and bio 

[The Cat In The Hat]

I was gonna write some elaborate update dramatically but I really can’t I’m so tired!

It just went bad- if your interested in most of it it’s down below. The thing is I don’t care because I can’t change it.

3 Hours. 3 Essays. 13 years after learning to write its over.

Prologue

Okay so before you read this wall of word vomit- I actually failed the exam and am not getting a 40. I had no adrenaline whatsoever. Everyone’s saying they did so well and then there’s me.......BUT my psychology teacher (yes I went to a psych teacher after the exam hehe) said I must’ve done well if I thought I did badly and the people who thought they did well actually must not have done as well as they thought because people usually either underestimate or over estimate their performance. I found a little comfort in that so hopefully I underestimated my performance but I’ve removed my mind from that 40 in English mindset and reduced it to that 37 in English mindset haha. I do however think since the exam was “easy” and the questions were straight forward people only who included complexity will be rewarded as the topics where quite simple- WHICH MEANS I LOST AGAIN! My ideas were basic- but moving on!

Pre- English Exams

So imagine it’s 8:45 and you found out your in a room with only 20 other people instead of in the auditorium with the other 150 odd English- doers. Your friends give you looks of pity as you leave wishing you good luck as those of you who do psych know, context dependant cues do not exist in that room- I had not been in there since that failure of a language analysis SAC.

Reading Time/Section C

Anyway 9:00. Start reading. BOOM it’s one article which luckily the last 3 language analysis’s you did were only one article because, well I’m not sure why but the 2020 commercial exams and the 2018 vcaa exam said so! It was such a dry article. Come on vcaa. Also everyone saying it’s easy......what? Okay it was easy in the sense for shallow analysis of oh this blah blah rhetorical question but I struggled to find the techniques of appeal to specific target audience which show complexity and to crack that 8-10/10 bracket. Wrote this bad things blah blah.  Predicted 6-7/10 sadly

Despite all that. That section A was probably one of the best ones I’ve ever done- and you guys know I hate section A. Predict 7-8/10

Section B was probably what an assessor will like. The more that I think about it the more I think my ideas were actually pretty complex I just could execute it as eloquently as I’d like (that’s gotta count for something right? ). Predict 7-8/10

Oh and what was weird was the prompts were so bad, I wrote CAB instead of CBA, I think though if I wrote ACB i could’ve done much better! Dumb analysis article, it was horrid!

Anyway gotta go cram psych and bio 

It's done. Remember that. What you've done, you've done, and
it's
over.
So don't stress over it!

[lm21074]

Congrats Elle!

[homeworkisapotato]

Congratulations Elle!!

[Coolgalbornin03Lo]

The end 

I really thought I’d have some happy update for you guys. But I’m actually just really upset, sitting in the dark in my room as I write this.

The chemistry exam was amazing of course and I loved it but I think a made a few too many mistakes and perhaps wrote too much but oh well, and for that egg question grrr I (not really) got it but I didn’t use the word denature! 0/3 marks for me 

The euphoria post Chem exam was euphoric....hehe. I’ve split my sentence here as this is where the fuzzy good times end folks.

Reality Check

(continues from Chem euphoria) But now I just feel indifferent to what reality is now for the rest of my life. Being just lonley. Everyone has all these plans to do fun things with their friends but now that schools finished my “friends” are no longer obligated to pretend to wanna see me. In fact they hung out today without me after Chem but I don’t really mind I’d rather be alone.

I can’t belive I was looking forward to the end of VCE. I mean what was I really looking forward to? I really don’t care for this or what my ATARS going to be. I don’t care about anything anymore. I don’t care what uni course I get into what study scores I get- everything just seems so irrelevant it’s a little sad. I don’t even wanna watch friends or play sims 3- all the things I’ve been powering through exams for.

It seems like such a lie- one ive been running away from through study. I start work tomorrow and I don’t even want money anymore I just wanna stay in bed all day. It’s weird how everything I thought I wanted just doesn’t mean anything anymore. I’m gonna end this here because I’m not sure what the point was.

Me departing from AN

I’m not sure if I’ll come back. I feel horrible as it is and seeing people aiming for 40 study scores in a subject they “failed” doesn’t make it any better. I really don’t think I should’ve hung around here as much as I did. A lot of people here really helped me because your all so nice 💜 but at the same time seeing people being depressed over getting seriously high scores I’ll never reach really made me feel worthless and I still do. For that reason I probably won’t post my scores or come back to look on results day. It seriously irked me when people constantly say they failed and their worst subject will be “low 40s”. Like this guy (irl) said that further was “an easy 48” grrrr. I think some people should just shut up and kick the bucket. We cannot all get amazing scores in our “worse” subjects so please stop spreading that negativity because no one asked. I actually have hate for people it’s real. The sad thing is those people exist everywhere. They can’t just die because I want them to and that’s okay. I’ve come to terms with it. I’ve come to terms with a lot of things. Like the fact that I’m dumb and I can’t change it. Or that I’m ugly and I can’t change that either. It’s all okay

contradictories statement

That said maybe if I start to enjoy life I may post my scores or something (as I like finishing what I started and without them this journal would be incomplete) I’m just not sure right now I’m confused as to what’s happening and I just wish I could find happiness somewhere but, I genuinely don’t believe it exists anymore and I think everything’s a lie. How can people laugh with each other? Eat with each other? Knowing that it’s all really nothing I’m confused as to why we do this any of it. Why don’t we just GIVE up. I don’t understand. I wish I was wired normally so I could just see things like everyone else~ the ignorance seems bliss. Instead I can just see this stuff that I hate. It’s just bland.

I’m not sure what that garbage was but writing it made me feel better I think? At least I’m not crying anymore right?

Clarification on ME

Also I know I seem spiteful. I’m not a people hater I promise. I’ve just had so many bad experiences with people and they just seem SO BAD I think they all hate me or wanna hurt me, I’m not really sure what’s up. There’s no one I can really tell so I just write it here. Lucky for you guys high school is over so you never have to heat any of my stupid thoughts again 

I would talk about my other subjects but I failed them also. Maybe I’ll say something later. If your seriously interested though I posted on the study score prediction thread with a nice little message that I think we should all remember 

Salut, AN