Login

Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

March 29, 2024, 06:45:03 am

Author Topic: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)  (Read 600329 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

1937jk

  • Trailblazer
  • *
  • Posts: 47
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #900 on: March 26, 2017, 12:15:15 pm »
Hey! You can absolutely have some feedback, I've attached your essay in the spoiler below! Comments in bold ;D

Essay with Feedback
QUESTION: The relationship between context and values affects an understanding and appreciation of intertextual connections. To what extent does this view accord with your comparative study of the prescribed texts?

Intertextual connections demonstrate the growth in humanity through societal values. This connection doesn't quite make sense - I know what you are getting at but you need to flesh this out a bit more (the way the same theme is treated in texts written at different times demonstrates societal evolution). This is a result of imposed challenges faced due to context and how humans respond to them. It is through William Shakespeare’s sixteenth century play ‘King Richard III’ that the historical fiction of a providential society depicts the results of an individual's involvement in the dynamics of power and how this exposes others to the vulnerabilities of persuasion. Be careful - This play wasn't fictional. It was a historical play. Similarly, Al Pacino’s twentieth century docudrama ‘Looking for Richard’, a contemporary interpretation of Shakespeare's work emphasises how values have been transformed across time, place and form between in order to develop a modern understanding of his universal themes and powerful language. Nice - This is the default way to approach a Shakespeare/Pacino comparison and it works well. Also, conscience reveals consequences of guilt and demonstrates a secular growth in society as the voice of women is strengthened through a modern interpretation. Shakespeare’s historical work of fiction was composed for an audience of the Tudor epoch and by casting Richard as a villain it affirmed the legitimate right of Henry Tudor to the throne as a result of the Battle of Bosworth. Try not to include this sort of contextual specific evidence just yet - Save it for your body paragraphs. Additionally, Pacino’s purpose was to “reach out to an audience who would not normally participate in this kind of language or world” and achieved this through connecting societal values of his American audience to the historical values of the Elizabethan era such as integrity and loyalty. Nice inclusion of quote. Through the reshaping of these texts and viewing them in tandem it is evident that Shakespeare’s literature is relevant in understanding the development of humanity in modern society. Solid introduction, but definitely too long. You've put too much in here - It needs to be punchier and a little simpler to make it clearer what your focus will be.

The continual growth and reformation of society is challenged by humanity. A little vague - In what way? Why do we resist change? Do you mean technological, power, or otherwise? Both texts utilise Richard’s character to illustrate the consequences of disregarding your humanity for power and its perceived benefits. Good. Richards deformity for him is perceived as a disadvantage in which ultimately drives his malicious intentions throughout the play. It enforces from the opening soliloquy, Richards high awareness of his own deformity, “I, that am curtail’d of this fair proportion”(Act 1, Sc 1). This suggests that it is Richard's appearance that inhibits his ability to fit into the specific ‘proportions’ structured into the Elizabethan society. Good job for including a quote, but I'm missing a technique here - Without a technique, this is just retell! This is a reflection of the providential value of the monarchical hierarchy as he blames nature for his deformity claiming he was “cheated by feature”, hence, his deformity marginalises him from society and produces a fear in having an unstable political position in society. As a result, his deformity can be blamed for his corrupted mind as he concludes that the only way of overcoming his instability is by plotting the demise of others around him. Ultimately, this paragraph is not doing enough analytically. There is a lot of conceptual statements (too many, which makes things a bit confusing for the reader) - But only a single quote and no analysis. You need to be doing more to examine the portrayal of the ideas in the texts, through analysing techniques.

Comparably, through Pacino’s text it is fear that produces a barrier of inaccessibility between Shakespeare’s language and a modern American audience. Do you mean that American audiences are scared of Elizabethan language? This seems a little vague. Pacino, like, Richard desires the initiative to overcome fear, however his intentions are for the benefits of the audience's understanding as “we’ve provided this docudrama thing...so you know where you are”. Nice recognition of the audience - Be sure to identify the technique used here (it is metafilmic). This in terms of the play enables the audience to understand the plot, however, “by approaching it from different angles, putting on costumes, playing out scenes, we could communicate our passion for it.” This is Pacino’s recognition that modern society has developed an appreciation for the visual imagination and emotional connections. This is good exploration of HOW Pacino approaches his representation, but WHAT is he representing? What's the point of all these things? For this reason, by physically taking on Shakespeare’s literature, it enables Pacino to access its complexity for his audience. We see this through Pacino’s cross cuts of Vox populi and his demonstration of Richard’s humpback, where the people on the streets respond with recognition only when Pacino mentions “he was a humpback, one arm… Remember that?”. The cross cuts allow Pacino’s audience to understand the exaggeration of Richard’s exclusion, experienced as a result of his deformity. What concept does this relate to? Overall, this reinforces the value of connection to visuality and emotion of a modern American audience in order to understand the reformed values and development of humanity over history. I'm not getting a sense of direction in this paragraph - I'm not sure what the main point of it is. This is partly because there is no strong topic sentence that then sets the tone for the whole of the rest of the paragraph.

A human response to challenges is influenced by personal values and environment. Good! But still a little vague - What sort of challenges? What values? In order for Richard to obtain power and control he eschews all moral restraints by tactically targeting the vulnerabilities of his own House of York. He betrays Christian theocentric values and ideology of the Divine Right of Kings for personal gain, in which he challenges a secular interest in free will amongst a integral society. These two sentences were retell - Anyone who has read the text knows this for themselves! As for Hastings, when his political power becomes a threat to Richard's plan, Shakespeare uses his shared mistress as an enabler for Richard to overcome this, however he exceeds the norm of the expected in being disloyal. It is his oratory skill and polymorphous character in which persuades the execution of Hastings. Still retell. “Off with his head! - Now by Saint Paul” (Act 2, Sc 4). This religious reference is ironic as Richards malicious character has a committed many sins against the value of integrity and loyalty and rather his words allure the fact that he is about to have Hastings sacrificed which depicts an antithesis of the Christian core teachings. Good use of quote and you've sort of given a technique in the religious reference (allusion is a better term) - But what does it show the audience? What understanding do we gain? Further, how does this relate to our response to challenges, the main theme of the paragraph? In comparison, Pacino’s interpretation of Hastings’ significance is aligned with the 20th century movie “The Godfather”. He uses the analogy to a mafia “gathering of the dons” to communicate the rising anticipation of whether Richard can stop Hastings crowning the princes king in which is similar to somebody saying “just wait here, I’ll be back or you know wait in this room”. Retell. This reference enhances Pacino’s audience understanding of Richard’s pursuit of power and consequences of disregarding values as Pacino himself played the protagonist in ‘The Godfather’, hence, his currency of fame allows a modern day audience to recognise and connect the maligned themes of both texts. THIS sort of audience impact explanation/analysis is exactly what I need more of! Accordingly, the comparison of texts enforce how an individual’s reaction to persuasion has not changed through history, rather the same value of integrity and loyalty are relevant. So this is sort of a more specific version of your topic sentence - You haven't really shown this yet, so it feels a little out of place. Pacino sources the opinion of a scholar “In fact we know he’s as hard as nails, that he’s only pretending to be religious”. This view reiterates Richards secular view in a monarchical society by challenging the religious values and “they canvas like politicians, complete with lies and innuendo”. Sequentially, Pacino’s personal view opens the susceptibility of Richard's victims to his ability to persuade which allows him gain tyrannical power. Over history, the repeated human vulnerability to persuasion is demonstrated through Richard’s ability to overcome political barriers in order to reach the crown of England. Try to make your conclusions really strong and obvious - "Thus, we can see how Shakespeare and Pacino have represented the importance of loyalty." Something like that - Simple, references both texts. You KNOW the paragraph is done.

Conscience revolves around the value of honesty and the consequences of guilt for an individual. How does this relate to the essay? Does the audience gain new understandings of this concept? Richards character is plagued by conscience as a punishment for his tyranny. He previously ignored his conscience in order to complete his goal, but it all unravels as his humane guilt reveals the natural human response. Retell. As for the last murder of Buckingham, he acknowledges “Thus Margaret’s curse falls heavily upon my neck” (Act 4, Sc 1). Quote - But no technique? Queen Margaret’s character is Shakespeare’s device in order to communicate what is going on in the play around the catastrophe of the Monarch. Although, her character’s political position is marginalised, therefore her words are dismissed more regularly than they should be. Ironically, it is right before Buckingham’s death that his own conscience foreshadows the words of Margaret “to help thee curse that poisonous bunch - back’d toad” (Act 1, Sc 3). This suggests how the role of women in the play is deemed insignificant by other characters but it is their voices that share the most accurate version of how reality unfolds. See how these last few sentences have just been retelling what happened in the text, more or less? You haven't been looking at what we learn about conscience - The word hasn't reappeared since the introduction. This is a representation of society’s patriarchal and the significance of the ‘divine right of kings in accordance with values and complications that arise from this. Great concept - But look at your topic sentence. Does it match? In Pacino’s text, his modern audience understands a psychological perspective and hence, values it and because of this he utilises Queen Margaret’s character to represent a psychological reality as Penelope Allen states “It’s primordial I think. She brings that kind of music into this experience.” Technique? Pacino’s use of Allen's voice identifies how humanities secular growth has enabled the voice of women to be valued and publicised, therefore demonstrating a growth in psychological capacity. The power of individuals subversion of institutional power holds currency for Pacino’s audience, however, this is not the case for Shakespeare's audience as they understood implications of free will. I like that you are trying to recognise differences in Shakespeare's audience and Pacino's - That's excellent. Queen Margaret is Pacino’s device in communicating the social realities of Shakespeare's context as he uses a ‘ghost like’ figure to share a visual representation of the value of the marginalised voice. Her haunting tone allows the audience to identify the suspicion present amongst the Monarch and to have an awareness and appreciation for her words. It is without her that the significance of conscience would not be present. In addition, lines are omitted from Pacino’s interpretation of the scene in order to highlight the key lines and allow his audience to open an understanding to Shakespeare’s work rather than intimidation. It is through growth in a secular society that the appreciation for abiding by conscience is appreciated. This is a better, more deliberate conclusion!

In conclusion, through Pacino’s modern interpretation, it is apparent that Shakespeare's literature can be made applicable to a 20th century audience. Nice. Both texts explore the relative values of their contexts and is a result by comparing them it enables an accessibility to each to transcend difficult concepts. A little wording issue there. Ultimately, Shakespeare’s communicated knowledge of humanity through ‘King Richard III’ can be understood and appreciated through Pacino’s ‘Looking for Richard’.

So I'll address those comments you had in the Document too:
Okay, so in particular I have struggled with writing my thesis stating to answer the question, have i addressed this?
Also, in ensuring I include my points of argument in a logical way throughout the intro. (Specifically, values and context)


So I think in attempting to include all this stuff, you've included too much. The intro is very conceptually busy and it lacks a clear direction as a result. In terms of answering the question, the question demands you to explore the relationship between context and values. That is, how does context influence how composers represent ideas? That isn't quite covered in your introduction, so you aren't responding to the question as directly as you could be. Basically, I'd ditch the contextual detail you had in the latter half of the intro, thus simplifying/streamlining your ideas, then reconsidering how you answer the question in the first sentence or two.

Is it an inconsistency in structure to have one idea spilt into two ideas and then my following paragraphs be combined into lengthier ones?

It does strike me as a little inconsistent, I think combining the first two into a single paragraph is absolutely doable for you :)

Have I addressed specific techniques clearly enough?

Unfortunately, not quite. I highlighted the times I noticed you using a specific technique in red above - I think there is about 5 in the whole essay. For a 20/20, I'd perhaps expect that many per paragraph. Part of this is because you are including too much textual retell of plots/details, and this takes up room you could use for more analysis!

Can you identify my arguments/ ideas clearly?

I think your ideas make sense, though they are a little vague at times. What need work is your direction - Sticking to the theme you identify at the start of the paragraph. In the last paragraph for example, it is on conscience but then you discuss things concerning power at one stage. Your topic sentence is like a contract - You say what you want to talk about, and then you hammer that home 110% in every sentence!

Also, is my writing too ‘wordy’? Is there anything not necessary to include?

I think your expression style is quite good! The odd sentence here or there that wasn't quite sitting right, but on the whole very clear!

You need to work on avoiding textual retell - That is, giving details from the plot or explaining things that happen to the characters. The marker doesn't need this, they just want straight analysis. The use of TECHNIQUE in QUOTE shows the audience ____________. Boom, move on - Those sorts of direct sentences are what you need, try and break the pattern of explaining what happens to the character :)

Hopefully my comments throughout and these responses below will be helpful for you! By all means feel free to let me know if you'd like anything clarified! ;D

Your feedback is absolutely awesome thank you so much! You definitely helped me clarify what was confusing me in my own writing aha!
Will definitely be including more techniques and refining my essay, Thank you again I really appreciate it!!!!!
 

jakesilove

  • HSC Lecturer
  • Honorary Moderator
  • Part of the furniture
  • *******
  • Posts: 1941
  • "Synergising your ATAR potential"
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #901 on: March 26, 2017, 01:03:59 pm »
Hi! This is my Module A essay for my half yearly in response to the question:

Discuss which one of these two texts you feel evokes a more sympathetic response to the human desire for meaningful relationships

Feel free to rip it apart  :P also do you think there are too many quotes? and any suggestions for a better conclusion would be good too, cheers  ;D


Hey! Check out my comments below :)

Original essay
Spoiler
Discuss which one of these two texts you feel evokes a more sympathetic response to the human desire for meaningful relationships

Feel free to rip it apart  :P also do you think there are too many quotes? and any suggestions for a better conclusion would be good too, cheers  ;D

A similar perspective of the desire and struggle of individuals to achieve idealised love is revealed through both F.Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby and Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s (EBB) Sonnets from the Portuguese. The enduring relevance of this universal struggle across contexts is represented in both texts, drawing out feelings of sympathy for both lovers in their desire for meaningful relationships, however the response of a contemporary audience is largely drawn from the depiction of contextual influences on their love. The Sonnets of EBB explore the attainment of love and its transcendence of physical and contextual constraints in the dynamic Victorian era hopeful of change, in comparison to the destructive pursuit of love centred on hedonistic, material values and corruption in The Great Gatsby. Ultimately, it is Browning’s sonnets that evoke a sympathetic response from a contemporary audience, further confirmed by her ultimate attainment of such love. EBB’s love, unshackled by worldly constraints, contrasted with Gatsby’s inability to achieve his vision, reinforces the image of a disillusioned postwar society where ideal love has no value.

The contextual impediments of obtaining their idealised relationship is portrayed in both texts, creating elements of sympathy for both EBB and Gatsby who reflect conflicting desires to that of their context. The torch that EBB “holds...out” is a metaphor for the words she cannot form to express her love. The hand would ‘hold out’ the torch and it would then ‘cast light on each’ of their faces.’ This subverts the traditional notion of the submissive woman in Petrarchan poetry, as she is the torch bearer, and therefore the one in control. Similarly, Gatsby inability to express his love is also represented by the green light on the end of Gatsby’s lovers dock in East Egg, as seen from the end of his pier across the water in West Egg. “...distinguished nothing except a single green light, minute and far away...the end of a dock.” The green light, as seen from the end of Gatsby’s pier, is symbolic of Gatsby’s vision and hope that he wed to Daisy, as well as their differing worlds, he from new money in West Egg opposed to the older money classes of the East, reinforcing his lack of prestige and the distance it creates, producing elements of sympathy as he worships his long lost love. [Arms outstretched]...towards the dark water in a curious way...trembling.” EBB, however, denounces her previous position of power and control by submitting humbly to Robert, “I drop it at thy feet.” This suggests her powerlessness to be the torchbearer and consequently reveals to him that she is unable to effectively communicate her love for him in writing. EBB therefore highlights her inability to express her love to Robert Browning as a result of having to follow traditional courtly conventions. The play on contrasting words, “And that I stand unwon, however wooed,” emphasises the paradoxical nature of her situation. EBB thus insists that she retains a tragic identity as the always ‘unwon’ and enduring woman, and the lover who cannot admit love, evoking heartfelt empathy from a contemporary audience.

Fitzgerald’s initial portrayal of Gatsby’s love for Daisy evokes elements of sympathy, but ultimately depicts love as an enticing but destructive dream, rendered meaningless if based on physical and material values.  Gatsby’s desire for Daisy and his desire for love, described by Nick as a “romantic readiness, such as I have never found in any other person,” moves beyond a pure and virtuous love for her an an individual lover. Daisy becomes the embodiment of all material and physical desire for Gatsby, highlighted by his remark that her voice “is full of money.” Gatsby thus reveals his fundamental understanding of Daisy’s connection to wealth and the subsequent urgency of his need to acquire it. Moreover, in placing Daisy and the wealth she portrays on a pedestal, Gatsby elevates her beyond the real and attainable, placing her in the untenable position of competing with an illusion of perfection. “There must have been moments, even that afternoon, [...] when Daisy tumbled short of his dreams...because of the colossal vitality of his illusion.” Inevitably, the revival of the love affair between the lovers and the possibility of attaining his dream prove almost anti-climactic, threatening to diminish Daisy’s value as an “enchanted object.” Whilst Daisy’s affection for Gatsby is evident, her “face...smeared with tears,” during their reunion, the importance she places on materialistic values overrides any meaningful connection to Gatsby. This is demonstrated through her marriage to Tom. Whilst Daisy almost changed her mind about marrying Tom after receiving a letter from Gatsby, she eventually went through with the ceremony, “without so much as a shiver...the pearls were around her neck and the incident was over.” During the first meeting of Daisy and Gatsby, Daisy’s response to him is enhanced by his display of material possessions and beautiful objects that he acquired as a part of his quest to win her back. Gatsby unquestionably accepting her consumeristic attitude typical of the postwar 1920s by, “Revalue[ing] everything in his house according to the measure of response it drew from her well-loved eyes.” The relationship between Daisy and Gatsby, moreover, is a result of Gatsby’s idealism of Daisy, romantic love, and corrupted by his obsessive pursuit of material wealth, ultimately draws little sympathy from a contemporary audience.

Browning, in comparison, depicts a love that is able to transcend and strengthen despite hardship, evoking a favourable response to her desire to share a meaningful and lasting relationship with Robert Browning. “While the winds are rough,” in Sonnet XIII indicates the external factors which are acting as obstacles to the relationship and their love prevented from being expressed publicly. This has also been attributed to EBB’s father, a controlling man who had forbidden any of his children to marry. Regardless, the use of the word “beloved” to describe Robert Browning in Sonnet XIV dispels any doubt about her love for him.The desire of EBB to create a significant, meaningful romantic relationship is conveyed by her demands to Robert regarding the nature of his love in Sonnet XIV, urging him not to love her for any particular reason, but simply because he lovers her, “If thou must love me, let it be for nought/Except for love’s sake only.” Browning argues that if there is a particular reason for loving someone, a change in circumstances can remove the reason and destroy the love. She further amplifies this idea by listing conventional attributes admired in women, to warn Robert of these superficial qualities that prevent pure and lasting love, “Do not say/I love her for her smile...her look...her way/Of speaking gently…” EBB metaphorically compares Robert declaring his love to ringing a bell, “toll,” and “silver utterance,” has positive connotations. Silver is less previous than gold, and therefore the love they share, whilst still precious is more real than ideal. Whilst EBB enjoys hearing Robert say he loves her, “Say...Thou dost love me,” she also him to lover her “in silence,” with his “soul,” restating her desire for a deep and lasting love. EBB’s final declaration of love illustrates the depth and worth of their love, hoping that if God allows she will lover him even better after death, “...And, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death.”
Ultimately, it is the purity and sincerity of EBB’s love, able to overcome contextual constraints and attain their desired relationship that evokes a greater extent of sympathy, as compared with the materialistic and corrupted ideals of love portrayed in The Great Gatsby.

Essay with comments
Spoiler
Discuss which one of these two texts you feel evokes a more sympathetic response to the human desire for meaningful relationships

A similar perspective of the desire and struggle of individuals to achieve idealised love is revealed through both F.Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby and Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s (EBB) Sonnets from the Portuguese. Probably best to underline the texts, or put them in 'commas'. Great first sentence! The enduring relevance of this universal struggle across contexts is represented in both texts, drawing out feelings of sympathy for both lovers in their desire for meaningful relationships. New sentence however, the response of a contemporary audience is largely drawn from the depiction of contextual influences on their love. The Sonnets of EBB explore the attainment of love and its transcendence of physical and contextual constraints in the dynamic Victorian era hopeful of change, in comparison to the destructive pursuit of love centred on hedonistic, material values and corruption in The Great Gatsby. Ultimately, it is Browning’s sonnets that evoke a sympathetic response from a contemporary audience, further confirmed by her ultimate attainment of such love. EBB’s love, unshackled by worldly constraints, contrasted with Gatsby’s inability to achieve his vision, reinforces the image of a disillusioned postwar society where ideal love has no value.

Honestly, this is a brilliant introduction. Your thesis is strong, your language is excellent. Great job.

The contextual impediments of obtaining their who?idealised relationship is portrayed in both texts, creating elements of sympathy for both EBB and Gatsby who reflect conflicting desires to that of their context. The torch that EBB “holds...out” is a metaphor for the words she cannot form to express her love. The hand would ‘hold out’ the torch and it would then ‘cast light on each’ of their faces. This subverts the traditional notion of the submissive woman in Petrarchan poetry, as she is the torch bearer, and therefore the one in control. Bring this back to the question. What response does this evoke in the audience? Is the response different for a modern audience, versus an audience entrenched in the content within which the Sonnets were written? Similarly, Gatsby's inability to express his love is also represented by the green light on the end of Gatsby’s lover's dock in East Egg, as seen from the end of his pier across the water in West Egg. This is a bit too much of a description of the piece. Since you're clearly writing a very, very good essay, try to summarise any discussion of plot into a single, succinct sentence. “...distinguished nothing except a single green light, minute and far away...the end of a dock.” Ideally, quotes will be shorter than this. However, if you think it's necessary, stick with it! Just don't have long quotes very often. The green light, as seen from the end of Gatsby’s pier, is symbolic of Gatsby’s vision and hope that he wed to Daisy, as well as their differing worlds, he from new money in West Egg opposed to the older money classes of the East, reinforcing his lack of prestige and the distance it creates, producing elements of sympathy as he worships his long lost love. That is one hell of a sentence. Definitely try to break it up; read it outloud, and if you find yourself struggling to make it through, you know that you're sentence is too long and rambly. Again, try to link this back to the notion of the question; one of evoking emotions in the audience, not just the result of a technique on the plot. [Arms outstretched]...towards the dark water in a curious way...trembling.” EBB, however, denounces her previous position of power and control by submitting humbly to Robert, “I drop it at thy feet.” This suggests her powerlessness to be the torchbearer and consequently reveals to him that she is unable to effectively communicate her love for him in writing. Is she quite powerless? Did she not just wield the torch? Perhaps instead you can suggest that, initially, she resists societal expectations regarding typical gender roles. However, over time, she is worn down and eventually capitulates. This may not be true/what you believe, but try to bring the impact of context into this change in position of the protagonist. EBB therefore highlights her inability to express her love to Robert Browning as a result of having to follow traditional courtly conventions. The play on contrasting words, “And that I stand unwon, however wooed,” emphasises the paradoxical nature of her situation Give me more detail on this. You do a great job of identifying quotes, and specifying the technique, however you need to be stronger when linking the impact of the technique to your thesis rather than just the plot. EBB thus insists that she retains a tragic identity as the always ‘unwon’ and enduring woman, and the lover who cannot admit love, evoking heartfelt empathy from a contemporary audience.

Just want to reiterate that this is a brilliant essay, and I'm only pointing out things that I think could be improved. Genuinely incredible work so far.

Fitzgerald’s initial portrayal of Gatsby’s love for Daisy evokes elements of sympathy, but ultimately depicts love as an enticing but destructive dream, rendered meaningless if based on physical and material values. Beatiful  Gatsby’s desire for Daisy and his desire for love, described by Nick as a “romantic readiness, such as I have never found in any other person,” moves beyond a pure and virtuous love for her an an individual lover. Daisy becomes the embodiment of all material and physical desire for Gatsby, highlighted by his remark that her voice “is full of money.” Gatsby thus reveals his fundamental understanding of Daisy’s connection to wealth and the subsequent urgency of his need to acquire it. Moreover, in placing Daisy and the wealth she portrays on a pedestal, Gatsby elevates her beyond the real and attainable, placing her in the untenable position of competing with an illusion of perfection. “There must have been moments, even that afternoon, [...] when Daisy tumbled short of his dreams...because of the colossal vitality of his illusion.” Inevitably, the revival of the love affair between the lovers and the possibility of attaining his dream prove almost anti-climactic, threatening to diminish Daisy’s value as an “enchanted object.” Whilst Daisy’s affection for Gatsby is evident, her “face...smeared with tears,” during their reunion, the importance she places on materialistic values overrides any meaningful connection to Gatsby. This is demonstrated through her marriage to Tom. Whilst Daisy almost changed her mind about marrying Tom after receiving a letter from Gatsby, she eventually went through with the ceremony, “without so much as a shiver...the pearls were around her neck and the incident was over.” During the first meeting of Daisy and Gatsby, Daisy’s response to him is enhanced by his display of material possessions and beautiful objects that he acquired as a part of his quest to win her back. Gatsby unquestionably accepting her consumeristic attitude typical of the postwar 1920s by, “Revalue[ing] everything in his house according to the measure of response it drew from her well-loved eyes.” The relationship between Daisy and Gatsby, moreover, is a result of Gatsby’s idealism of Daisy, romantic love, and corrupted by his obsessive pursuit of material wealth, ultimately draws little sympathy from a contemporary audience.

Very littler to add re the previous paragraph, other than the comments I have already made. Make sure to weave your thesis in throughout, rather than just including it at the start and end of a paragraph. Additionally, I do think you have too many quotes in this last paragraph. Instead, substitute more analysis.

Browning, in comparison, depicts a love that is able to transcend and strengthen despite hardship, evoking a favourable response to her desire to share a meaningful and lasting relationship with Robert Browning. “While the winds are rough,” in Sonnet XIII indicates the external factors which are acting as obstacles to the relationship and their love prevented from being expressed publicly. This has also been attributed to EBB’s father, a controlling man who had forbidden any of his children to marry. Regardless, the use of the word “beloved” to describe Robert Browning in Sonnet XIV dispels any doubt about her love for him.The desire of EBB to create a significant, meaningful romantic relationship is conveyed by her demands to Robert regarding the nature of his love in Sonnet XIV, urging him not to love her for any particular reason, but simply because he lovers her, “If thou must love me, let it be for nought/Except for love’s sake only.” Browning argues that if there is a particular reason for loving someone, a change in circumstances can remove the reason and destroy the love. She further amplifies this idea by listing conventional attributes admired in women, to warn Robert of these superficial qualities that prevent pure and lasting love, “Do not say/I love her for her smile...her look...her way/Of speaking gently…” EBB metaphorically compares Robert declaring his love to ringing a bell, “toll,” and “silver utterance,” has positive connotations. Silver is less previous than gold, and therefore the love they share, whilst still precious is more real than ideal. Whilst EBB enjoys hearing Robert say he loves her, “Say...Thou dost love me,” she also him to lover her “in silence,” with his “soul,” restating her desire for a deep and lasting love. EBB’s final declaration of love illustrates the depth and worth of their love, hoping that if God allows she will lover him even better after death, “...And, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death.”

A bit too much 'telling'. Again, the start of your essay is very analysis-oriented, which the second half is much more focused on textual analysis. This is good, however it would be nice to have a mix of both throughout. It's such a brilliant essay that I don't know if a marker would care, but yeah that's what I think

Ultimately, it is the purity and sincerity of EBB’s love, able to overcome contextual constraints and attain their desired relationship that evokes a greater extent of sympathy, as compared with the materialistic and corrupted ideals of love portrayed in The Great Gatsby.

Brilliant. I think all of my comments are above, and I don't have much else to add. Keep working on it, refining it, until it's absolutely perfect (which isn't too far away a pursuit!).
ATAR: 99.80

Mathematics Extension 2: 93
Physics: 93
Chemistry: 93
Modern History: 94
English Advanced: 95
Mathematics: 96
Mathematics Extension 1: 98

Studying a combined Advanced Science/Law degree at UNSW

jamonwindeyer

  • Honorary Moderator
  • Great Wonder of ATAR Notes
  • *******
  • Posts: 10150
  • The lurker from the north.
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #902 on: March 26, 2017, 10:58:38 pm »
Hey :)

It's that time of the term where I again seek the wisdom of the essay markers here. My Mod A Essay on Richard III and LFR is due in my exam on Tuesday.

I've attached my essay below. I also need to cut out some. My word count fits however the character count is far above my creative writing despite having a similar word count. If you notice any evidence that is quite weak or unnecessary I may just cut it out completely to free up space.

Thank you, Wales

Hey Wales! Essay attached, comments in bold - You know the drill ;)

Essay
As society progresses the presence of Shakespeare diminishes. Individuals begin to become distanced from his profound works and begin to become entrapped in pop culture reinforcing the notion that his works are beyond comprehension of the modern demographic. This is an interesting way to start - Not the typical conceptual approach I'd expect. But it is a nice link to the module aims. Definitely captures attention so I'm for it! William Shakespeare's King Richard III (K3) being textually and linguistically dramatic promotes the stereotype that his works are of a different level of sophistication. Al Pacino created his docudrama Looking For Richard (LFR) with the pure objective of breaking the stereotype and transcending King Richard III’s confines of the Elizabethan context. By comparing contextual similarities and values the audience is able to convert the appeal of Elizabethan theatricality to a postmodern cinematic context thus allowing for an enlightened understanding of Shakespeare’s great works today.  I REALLY like this introduction - The one thing I'm missing is what values are presented by the composer. What is the purpose of their composition? If you can blend this into your arguments here I think you'd be on something original and a winner ;D

Shakespeare places great emphasis on Richards deceptive and multifaceted mannerisms depicting him as a machiavellian villain. The play opens with the breaking of the chain of being which in the Elizabethan era was a strict hierarchical structure of life under the control of God. The breaking foreshadows the imminent threat of a loss of authority in society that would ultimately be as a result of Richard’s actions and longing for control. This is a very text focused start to the paragraph - It isn't quite retell, but it is very much focused on what is happening in the text and what it represents. No technique, no analysis - And no connection to the audience. It's not quite what I'm looking for in a Module A essay. Shakespeare delves into Richard’s thirst for power in his use of definitive language in his soliloquy “determined to prove a villain” accentuating his audacious stance in achieving ultimate power and the inherent malicious intent Richard carries. Richard’s desires become more apparent in Act 4 Scene 2 where he states he must “Marry my brother’s daughter” and “Murder her brothers”. Retell - Even linking a technique to this, it is still just saying what happened in the text. You don't need it![/b] Shakespeare’s use of incestous allusion during the Elizabethan Era where such acts were seen as intrinsically evil accentuates the extent to which Richard will proceed to in order to meet his insatiable lust for power. This is the perfect example of analysis that is too text focused - What extent will RICHARD go to. You have to remember that Richard is a puppet - Beyond Richard, what does the audience learn about the lust for power more generally? Furthermore in Richard's soliloquy he reveals his plans to “Set my brother Clarence and the King in deadly hate”  which testifies to his manipulative nature. Retell. This combined with the marriage would appear to many as unsuspecting and is merely another facet through which Richard achieves his power further accentuating his deceitful persona and his duplicitous identity as a machiavellian villain. So this paragraph sets up the idea that Richard is a machiavellian villain - For what purpose? How does it fit into your greater idea/plan for the essay?

Conversely, by focusing on specific sections of the film relevant to the themes of power and the machiavellian nature of Richard, Pacino effectively captures the inherent essence of Richard’s actions and the consequences thus converting the Elizabethan theatricality of Shakespeare’s works to a postmodern audience through a stream of consciousness style docudrama. A little bit of a 'mouthful' - COuld be worth splitting into two sentences. In contemporary society power is more defined as political power and manipulation of the masses alluding to Richard’s machiavellian persona. Pacino manifests Richards thirst for power in the dark costuming and stage lighting assisting the postmodern audience in identifying the inherent malevolence of Richard through the visual appreciation of color where black denotes a sense of evil and death. Remember that commas are a thing - You need quite a few pauses in this sentence to make it more palatable for the reader. Good links to the audience though! Furthermore Pacino reinforces Richard’s duplicitous nature as he fulfills the role of both an actor and director. Retell. In the 20th Century the advent of totalitarianism alludes to the Shakespearean notion of justice and retribution capitalising on how in a ethnocentric society there are no limits to power shown through Richard’s riding crop symbolising his autocratic power and impunity in contrast to the divine retribution in Shakespeareans time. Bit much in that sentence. Pacino’s manipulation of textual form effectively captures Shakespeare’s intents and translates them into a salient textual form for the contemporary audience to understand. You've done a better job with analysis here - But make sure that your concepts are clear. Quite a few of the conceptual explanations in this paragraph were a little unclear - Try not to make the reader work to understand your direction. It should just happen!

Throughout King Richard III one cannot help but to muse as to how Richard is so purely evil that he is able to carry out the deeds without conscience or fear of divine retribution. Keep your tone academic. Conscience first appears in Act 1 Scene 4 with the two murderers. Retell. The religious allusions of “stealing, swearing and adultery” signifies that one’s conscience will betray them once they do something less than acceptable and only creates problems shown in “It fills a man of obstacles”. The murderer then goes onto introduce the anecdote “Makes a man a coward” emphasising the importance of one’s reputation in contrast to their moral beliefs. Still tending slightly towards retell. The concept of divine retribution is raised by the second murderer in the religious allusion “ Take the devil in thy mind and believe him not” which suggests there exists a punishment for committing sins. The hesitancy exhibited by both murderers shows the complicit nature of Richard being one who will exploit the moral weakness of others in order to acquire his desires akin to that of a machiavellian villain. I'm getting quotes and techniques, and even what they represent, but I'm not getting a grander purpose. What exactly is the concept that the audience is learning, what does the audience gain? What values are presented? Regardless of how far one strives to distance themselves from the belief of God, the theocentric context of the Elizabethan era implies the omnipotent nature of divine intervention enforced by Margret’s religious symbolism “All may be well but if God sort it so” is inescapable. That sentence doesn't quite make sense. The widespread influence of God is reflected in Richmond’s conscience in the religious allusion “God and good angels fight on Richmond’s side” which reinforces the presence of God in society. Ultimately the theme of conscience is explicitly displayed by exposing the effects of religion on multiple individuals’ actions and their conscience. Interesting ideas here, but a slight tendency towards retell, not enough links to audience.

Similarly Pacino effectively portrays the effects of the human conscience on one’s actions however the theme of divine retribution is parallelled with ethical and moral obligations. As society gravitates towards ethnocentrism the previously omnipotent presence of God is appropriated by Pacino into an ethical obligation and fear of disapproval by society rather than God. That's a really interesting concept -  I like it. The eloquent words during the interview of the African American on how words have lost their meaning and “If we felt what we said and say less we’d mean more” explores the consequences of ethnocentricity where the fear of retribution is less prominent as a result of the ineffective legal system. Technique here? Pacino’s choice of clothing the Princes in white symbolises their purity and innocence juxtaposing Tyrel’s clothing which was a darker color accentuating the intrinsic evils within his actions.What does the audience learn as a result? What's the purpose? The appropriation of the Tower of London being the location for the murder reinforces the notion of one fearing societal judgement as the  walls symbolise protection from greater society. Pacino powerfully appropriates Shakespeare’s notion of evil and thirst for power to a postmodern audience capitalising on the implicit influence of how one’s conscience is quintessential in shaping one’s relations, desires and decisions. This is probably your most conceptually direct paragraph so far - So props for that. Also a really cool relationship with Shakespeare, but I'd still like you to accentuate more. I'm still looking for more audience impacts too.

Each composer brings intention for their art to a particular medium whether it’s from the confines of the Globe Theatre or America in the 21st century, both present opportunities and challenges. Keep your tone academic. Pacino’s expertise in contemporary culture and the Elizabethan era allows him to effectively transcend the confines of the Shakespearean context and manipulate the text in a way to fit the postmodern audience allowing for a genuine appreciation for the great works of Shakespeare.

So I think you've taken a really interesting and unique approach to this essay - Your introduction definitely commands attention and I commend you for going off the beaten track with how you've approached it. You've also done a great job drawing comparison between your texts. That said, I think you've missed on a few other basics. Some pointers:

- This essay was really difficult to read at times. Easiest way to fix - Commas. If you have a sentence that stretches more than a line, chances are it needs a comma. At times I had to stop and read your sentence word by word, grouping the ideas myself to try and interpret your meaning. When you've got a marker doing 30 essays, they won't spend that time. They'll just say you don't make any sense. Be sure to communicate ideas clearly!

- I think your essay lacks a conceptual direction. So you are talking about how Pacino makes the ideas of Shakespeare contemporary - That's awesome. But what ideas? I didn't have that clarity from your intro and that carries through the essay, I'm constantly asking, "Well so what?" Why is this relevant? You need to set up a stronger big concept that you focus on throughout your analysis, and focus on how Pacino brings THAT into the now.

- Watch quality of analysis. I gave you a few indicators - More audience links, watch for retell, ensure everything has a technique.

Hopefully these, plus some of my comments throughout, prove helpful! Feel free to let me know if I can clarify anything for you! ;D

Snew

  • Forum Regular
  • **
  • Posts: 54
  • Class of 2017
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #903 on: March 27, 2017, 10:28:35 am »
Quote
Brilliant. I think all of my comments are above, and I don't have much else to add. Keep working on it, refining it, until it's absolutely perfect (which isn't too far away a pursuit!).

Thank you heaps Jake! That was really encouraging and very appreciated, I will!!  :D
« Last Edit: March 27, 2017, 11:19:50 am by jamonwindeyer »
HSC 2017:

Studies of Religion I
Advanced English
General Mathematics
Biology
Modern History
Music I

ATAR Goal: 85+
Course Wanted: Bachelor of Nursing at UTS

Wales

  • MOTM: JUN 2017
  • Forum Leader
  • ****
  • Posts: 516
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #904 on: March 27, 2017, 11:57:41 am »
Hey Wales! Essay attached, comments in bold - You know the drill ;)

Essay
As society progresses the presence of Shakespeare diminishes. Individuals begin to become distanced from his profound works and begin to become entrapped in pop culture reinforcing the notion that his works are beyond comprehension of the modern demographic. This is an interesting way to start - Not the typical conceptual approach I'd expect. But it is a nice link to the module aims. Definitely captures attention so I'm for it! William Shakespeare's King Richard III (K3) being textually and linguistically dramatic promotes the stereotype that his works are of a different level of sophistication. Al Pacino created his docudrama Looking For Richard (LFR) with the pure objective of breaking the stereotype and transcending King Richard III’s confines of the Elizabethan context. By comparing contextual similarities and values the audience is able to convert the appeal of Elizabethan theatricality to a postmodern cinematic context thus allowing for an enlightened understanding of Shakespeare’s great works today.  I REALLY like this introduction - The one thing I'm missing is what values are presented by the composer. What is the purpose of their composition? If you can blend this into your arguments here I think you'd be on something original and a winner ;D

Shakespeare places great emphasis on Richards deceptive and multifaceted mannerisms depicting him as a machiavellian villain. The play opens with the breaking of the chain of being which in the Elizabethan era was a strict hierarchical structure of life under the control of God. The breaking foreshadows the imminent threat of a loss of authority in society that would ultimately be as a result of Richard’s actions and longing for control. This is a very text focused start to the paragraph - It isn't quite retell, but it is very much focused on what is happening in the text and what it represents. No technique, no analysis - And no connection to the audience. It's not quite what I'm looking for in a Module A essay. Shakespeare delves into Richard’s thirst for power in his use of definitive language in his soliloquy “determined to prove a villain” accentuating his audacious stance in achieving ultimate power and the inherent malicious intent Richard carries. Richard’s desires become more apparent in Act 4 Scene 2 where he states he must “Marry my brother’s daughter” and “Murder her brothers”. Retell - Even linking a technique to this, it is still just saying what happened in the text. You don't need it![/b] Shakespeare’s use of incestous allusion during the Elizabethan Era where such acts were seen as intrinsically evil accentuates the extent to which Richard will proceed to in order to meet his insatiable lust for power. This is the perfect example of analysis that is too text focused - What extent will RICHARD go to. You have to remember that Richard is a puppet - Beyond Richard, what does the audience learn about the lust for power more generally? Furthermore in Richard's soliloquy he reveals his plans to “Set my brother Clarence and the King in deadly hate”  which testifies to his manipulative nature. Retell. This combined with the marriage would appear to many as unsuspecting and is merely another facet through which Richard achieves his power further accentuating his deceitful persona and his duplicitous identity as a machiavellian villain. So this paragraph sets up the idea that Richard is a machiavellian villain - For what purpose? How does it fit into your greater idea/plan for the essay?

Conversely, by focusing on specific sections of the film relevant to the themes of power and the machiavellian nature of Richard, Pacino effectively captures the inherent essence of Richard’s actions and the consequences thus converting the Elizabethan theatricality of Shakespeare’s works to a postmodern audience through a stream of consciousness style docudrama. A little bit of a 'mouthful' - COuld be worth splitting into two sentences. In contemporary society power is more defined as political power and manipulation of the masses alluding to Richard’s machiavellian persona. Pacino manifests Richards thirst for power in the dark costuming and stage lighting assisting the postmodern audience in identifying the inherent malevolence of Richard through the visual appreciation of color where black denotes a sense of evil and death. Remember that commas are a thing - You need quite a few pauses in this sentence to make it more palatable for the reader. Good links to the audience though! Furthermore Pacino reinforces Richard’s duplicitous nature as he fulfills the role of both an actor and director. Retell. In the 20th Century the advent of totalitarianism alludes to the Shakespearean notion of justice and retribution capitalising on how in a ethnocentric society there are no limits to power shown through Richard’s riding crop symbolising his autocratic power and impunity in contrast to the divine retribution in Shakespeareans time. Bit much in that sentence. Pacino’s manipulation of textual form effectively captures Shakespeare’s intents and translates them into a salient textual form for the contemporary audience to understand. You've done a better job with analysis here - But make sure that your concepts are clear. Quite a few of the conceptual explanations in this paragraph were a little unclear - Try not to make the reader work to understand your direction. It should just happen!

Throughout King Richard III one cannot help but to muse as to how Richard is so purely evil that he is able to carry out the deeds without conscience or fear of divine retribution. Keep your tone academic. Conscience first appears in Act 1 Scene 4 with the two murderers. Retell. The religious allusions of “stealing, swearing and adultery” signifies that one’s conscience will betray them once they do something less than acceptable and only creates problems shown in “It fills a man of obstacles”. The murderer then goes onto introduce the anecdote “Makes a man a coward” emphasising the importance of one’s reputation in contrast to their moral beliefs. Still tending slightly towards retell. The concept of divine retribution is raised by the second murderer in the religious allusion “ Take the devil in thy mind and believe him not” which suggests there exists a punishment for committing sins. The hesitancy exhibited by both murderers shows the complicit nature of Richard being one who will exploit the moral weakness of others in order to acquire his desires akin to that of a machiavellian villain. I'm getting quotes and techniques, and even what they represent, but I'm not getting a grander purpose. What exactly is the concept that the audience is learning, what does the audience gain? What values are presented? Regardless of how far one strives to distance themselves from the belief of God, the theocentric context of the Elizabethan era implies the omnipotent nature of divine intervention enforced by Margret’s religious symbolism “All may be well but if God sort it so” is inescapable. That sentence doesn't quite make sense. The widespread influence of God is reflected in Richmond’s conscience in the religious allusion “God and good angels fight on Richmond’s side” which reinforces the presence of God in society. Ultimately the theme of conscience is explicitly displayed by exposing the effects of religion on multiple individuals’ actions and their conscience. Interesting ideas here, but a slight tendency towards retell, not enough links to audience.

Similarly Pacino effectively portrays the effects of the human conscience on one’s actions however the theme of divine retribution is parallelled with ethical and moral obligations. As society gravitates towards ethnocentrism the previously omnipotent presence of God is appropriated by Pacino into an ethical obligation and fear of disapproval by society rather than God. That's a really interesting concept -  I like it. The eloquent words during the interview of the African American on how words have lost their meaning and “If we felt what we said and say less we’d mean more” explores the consequences of ethnocentricity where the fear of retribution is less prominent as a result of the ineffective legal system. Technique here? Pacino’s choice of clothing the Princes in white symbolises their purity and innocence juxtaposing Tyrel’s clothing which was a darker color accentuating the intrinsic evils within his actions.What does the audience learn as a result? What's the purpose? The appropriation of the Tower of London being the location for the murder reinforces the notion of one fearing societal judgement as the  walls symbolise protection from greater society. Pacino powerfully appropriates Shakespeare’s notion of evil and thirst for power to a postmodern audience capitalising on the implicit influence of how one’s conscience is quintessential in shaping one’s relations, desires and decisions. This is probably your most conceptually direct paragraph so far - So props for that. Also a really cool relationship with Shakespeare, but I'd still like you to accentuate more. I'm still looking for more audience impacts too.

Each composer brings intention for their art to a particular medium whether it’s from the confines of the Globe Theatre or America in the 21st century, both present opportunities and challenges. Keep your tone academic. Pacino’s expertise in contemporary culture and the Elizabethan era allows him to effectively transcend the confines of the Shakespearean context and manipulate the text in a way to fit the postmodern audience allowing for a genuine appreciation for the great works of Shakespeare.

So I think you've taken a really interesting and unique approach to this essay - Your introduction definitely commands attention and I commend you for going off the beaten track with how you've approached it. You've also done a great job drawing comparison between your texts. That said, I think you've missed on a few other basics. Some pointers:

- This essay was really difficult to read at times. Easiest way to fix - Commas. If you have a sentence that stretches more than a line, chances are it needs a comma. At times I had to stop and read your sentence word by word, grouping the ideas myself to try and interpret your meaning. When you've got a marker doing 30 essays, they won't spend that time. They'll just say you don't make any sense. Be sure to communicate ideas clearly!

- I think your essay lacks a conceptual direction. So you are talking about how Pacino makes the ideas of Shakespeare contemporary - That's awesome. But what ideas? I didn't have that clarity from your intro and that carries through the essay, I'm constantly asking, "Well so what?" Why is this relevant? You need to set up a stronger big concept that you focus on throughout your analysis, and focus on how Pacino brings THAT into the now.

- Watch quality of analysis. I gave you a few indicators - More audience links, watch for retell, ensure everything has a technique.

Hopefully these, plus some of my comments throughout, prove helpful! Feel free to let me know if I can clarify anything for you! ;D

Awesome feedback. Unfortunately it's the day before the exam ( I should of submitted earlier :( ) so I won't be able to perfect it to what I would like.

HOWEVER you have made me understand the true essence of a Mod A study. I understand now I must not purely analyse the text and instead focus more on it's effect on the audience and how it's shown through both texts. It doesn't sound like too much it is genuinely helpful. I'll do my best to fix up what I can, link more conceptual ideas and emphasise the effect on the audience more. Doing it up as I type this.

As always, your feedback is brilliant and I cannot express my gratitude enough :) You do so much to help others on the forum and we all greatly appreciate it.

Regards, Wales
Heavy Things :(

Neilab

  • Forum Regular
  • **
  • Posts: 52
  • School: Riverside Girls High School
  • School Grad Year: 2017
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #905 on: March 27, 2017, 02:20:36 pm »
Hey! So I have an English assessment on Mod A: Intertextual perspectives about the Great Gatsby and EBB's sonnets! I got back my practise essay today and lowkey got roasted because I wasn't talking "philosphiscally" about context enough.

My teacher's criticism was: "what exactly are the key values", "there is alot of love but what about other values like honesty and loyalty" and "This is a solid effort with a detailed discussion of the texts. While you seem to have a sense of the significance of the texts you discussion lacks a depth of analysis of both the concepts and techniques. You need to delve deeper into the philosophical signifcance of the context, in specific detail rahter than just stating there is contextual significance"

This was the essay question we answered, but i tried to make it broader so I could use it in my assessment (I usually memorise)
Couldd you please let me know how I can address what my teachers wants? i am reallly confused at the moment :(
Note - there is no conclusion as I usually just whip that up in the exam and it works (I usually get about 95%+ in my english exams)
Spoiler
An exploration of intertextual perspectives reveals the relationship between context and key values.


The universal concept of love is the central motif for a colossal number of texts, each serving as either a reflection or subversion of the writer’s perception of their society’s contextual values. Composed during the Victorian era, Elizabeth Barret-Browning's (EBB) Sonnets from the Portuguese encapsulate the notion of authentic love, through the expression of a female subverting her traditional social paradigms in the Victorian Era. Conversely, the context of Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby in “The Jazz Age” was framed as an era of erratic, reckless societal behaviour, underpinned by an absence of ethics and values driven by the hollowed American-dream. Despite prevailing perspectives, both texts serve as a vessel for the exploration of intertextual perspectives, revealing the relationship between key values through a unique contextual lens.

EBB’s, Sonnets from the Portuguese depicts a unique exploration of idealised love, in cogitation of the patriarchal Victorian era. Through the voice of a female persona, Browning utilises the Petrarchan form of sonnet, conventionally adopted by males, to portray an assertive and confidant expression denoted by a Victorian woman. Browning’s subversion of traditional gender roles associated with ‘courtly love’ reaffirms the empowerment established within the female persona. Browning’s use of imperative language, “I stand unwon, however wooed”, undermines the customary wooing of the passive female, revealing a strong emphasis on the individual. The persona sets limitations for a love that is pragmatic as she states "I love thee to the depth & breadth & height...” highlighting how perfect love is attainable as long as it manifests within a genuine atmosphere. Browning utilises metaphor, reasserting the self-assurance of the female persona in the relationship to portray a sense of certainty. EBB’s voice is empowered, assertive, and self-assured as she subverts literary expectations by feminising the Petrarchan form. This is epitomised through the juxtaposition of her meek tone in Sonnet 1 with “declarations of love” to Sonnet 21 where she requests, "Beloved, say over again, and yet again”. EBB’s use of exclamation, “beloved!”, and seasonable references to “Spring in all her green, completed!",  symbolise the restoration of passionate love and hope. In this way, EBB’s sonnets are reflective of the optimism inflicted onto pragmatic forms of love in the Victorian society. However, they are also an amalgamation of the revolutionary concept of love, depicting the significance of tradition and gender in this social context.

Due to contextual impacts, love in The Great Gatsby is not only transitory but also commodified. The widely liberalised twenties show a lack of spirituality, highlighting the ramifications of materialism as a barrier to idealised love. Unlike Sonnets from the Portuguese, The ‘Jazz Age’ undermines the highly emotional relationship between Jay Gatsby and Daisy Buchanan in 1920’s America, tarnished by the materialistic and superficial values born from this time period. Constricting ideas of courtly love in the 19th century meant that, Gatsby’s dream of acquiring an authentic and spiritual connection was unattainable, as the ’prize’ of his American Dream, Daisy, was tainted with the superficiality and material wealth of the elite class. Fitzgerald highlights the ramifications of inauthenticity and materialism through the characterisation of Gatsby as a commodified entity who lacks moral existence. Articulated through Nick’s narration, ”It was full of money that was the inexhaustible charm”, he displays the alluring nature of Daisy in her ability to epitomise Gatsby’s dream -  juxtaposed to the underlying corruption of her existence that poisons any hope of a pure, optimistic love. The motif of the green light personifies Gatsby’s immaculate love for Daisy, and symbolises physically, the “colossal vitality” of his ideals and ambitions. The colour imagery of the green light alludes to the physical colour of money, highlighting the spiritual connection Jay Gatsby places on “the American Dream”, that comprises of material wealth and gain. The cumulative listing and alliteration used in Nick’s narration, “stripes and scrolls and plaids of apple green, lavender and orange shirts”, crystallize the concept of superficiality and materialism that manifests even within the natural world through Fitzgerald’s references to “apple”, “lavender” and “orange”. The elusive nature of true love is painted within The Great Gatsby to depict 1920’s America as a society placing a greater importance on trivial matters such as wealth and status. This notion is juxtaposed to EBB’s sonnets, placing greater importance on a love that is transcendent and immortal. In this way, the two texts serve as an antithesis to each other, through the exploration of individualist ideals and contrasting contextual values.


Both texts examine the role of spirituality in forming relationships during their respective time periods. Within EBB’s sonnets, death is seen as no barrier in a context where passion and emotion transcends the physical world and exists even after death. In contrast, Fitzgerald’s perspective conveys a love that is pragmatic through a materialistic sphere, where all feeling and sentimentality is eradicated by death. In Sonnet 13, EBB’s utilisation of aural imagery, “silence”, intends to craft a bond that refrains from “reiterating love”, but rather a silent appeal of emotions that transcends beyond the mortal world to allow “the silence of my womanhood“. The use of enjambment and punctuation emphasises the perspective of a ‘silent’ love that endures and withstands affectation. Barrett Browning defines a love that “shall but love… better after death”, representing a religious perspective of spiritualty and human connection, destabilising connections that exist due to material pleasure that are evident within the Jazz age. As a result of the strong value placed on faith during the Victorian era, the relationship between the female persona and her beloved is heavily influenced by a sense of spirituality. Specifically, the persona concerns herself with the balance between, ideal love in a heaven-like atmosphere and physical, sensuous love attainable on Earth. As the persona faces this dilemma in Sonnet 22, ”...until their lengthening wings break into fire,” EBB utilises an allusion to Icarus, who flew dangerously close to the sun as it deteriorated and melted his wings. EBB’s use of allusion conveys the ramifications of an excessively spiritually perfect love, resulting in affectations. Rather than the dominance of spiritual ideals, the morality that constitutes idealised love is indicative of a connection that transcends time and mortality. EBB’s use of dark imagery in Sonnet 22, ”A place to stand and love in...with darkness and the death-hour rounding it,” epitomises the result of this balance and the presence of Victorian religious foundations. In this way, EBB’s anthology demonstrates society’s embracement of spirituality to assist in the possession of an authentic form of love, juxtaposed to 1920’s America, suffering from moral and spiritual deterioration.

The Great Gatsby portrays the significance of the relationship between spirituality and idealised love through Fitzgerald’s condemnation of the complete lack of faith in religious and moral beliefs within the society of the ’Jazz Age.’ The emphasis placed on consumerism and materialism in 1920s America overrides the importance of religion and integrity, as depicted by Browning’s poetry. The result of this abandonment is embodied by the deserted wasteland ‘the Valley of Ashes’, connotative to T.S. Elliot’s ‘The Wasteland’, an extended metaphor of the state of the working classes, highlighting the devastation caused by a human race lacking in substance and meaning who have fallen into a state of spiritual decay. The ’Valley of Ashes’ comes as a result of damage and neglect brought about by the elite class, articulated by Nick’s judgement, ”...Tom and Daisy they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their money...and let other people clean up the mess." Whilst the love depicted in EBB’s sonnets transcend death and mortality through spiritual entities, Gatsby’s love cannot possess authentic strength as result of the materialism and superficiality that restricts and replaces his emotional fulfilment. Furthermore, the all-seeing eyes of Dr. T.J. Eckleburg, “brood on over the solemn dumping ground,” rises above the ashes to personify the presence of a god-like entity in society, representing consumerism and greed to symbolise the decadent creed that has overrun any sense of spirituality. The use of hyperbolic language in, “The eyes... are blue and gigantic, their retinas are one yard high," powerfully portrays the distortion of spirituality in American society. Ironically, the eyes are the remains of an advertisement for an oculist, which typifies the consumerist nature of the 1920's. The ’bygone’ nature of religious faith, alluded through vivid imagery, provides a motive for the actions of the elite class, as they are guided by a lack of spirituality. In this way, Fitzgerald questions whether genuine love is possible when spiritual values are absent in a society dominated by greed, privilege and rampant consumerism. The transient nature of love comes as a result of the blatant disregard for religious values. Juxtaposed against the Victorian suppression of passion, the widely liberalized and sexually expressive twenties are conveyed by Fitzgerald to be detrimental to the development of love.

Mod Edit: Added spoiler :)


« Last Edit: March 27, 2017, 09:02:40 pm by jamonwindeyer »

QC

  • Forum Regular
  • **
  • Posts: 56
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #906 on: March 27, 2017, 07:22:37 pm »
Hi,
Here is my mod A Essay (1984/Metro). I think the third and fourth paragraphs aren't as good as the first two so advice would be great on how to make the essay better.
Thanks in Advance

Spoiler

After comparing Metropolis and Nineteen Eighty-Four, what conclusions have you drawn about their intertextual perspectives relating to authority and revolution?

The intertextual perspectives found in Metropolis (1927) and Nineteen Eighty-Four (1949) differ as they show that the outcomes of revolution are based solely on the power of the authority existing in a society. Lang’s film, Metropolis, looks at a partially successful revolution as he shows that a capitalist authority does not have permanent control on its people. By contrast, Orwell’s novel Nineteen Eighty-Four, looks at a far bleaker outlook on the power of authority as he explores how a totalitarian state is able to have full control over its people and prevent rebellion. The nature of the power of a state, whether with complete authority or one that is susceptible to rebellion, is defined by a state’s ability to segregate the classes of its society and to restrict the foundation relationships and bonds.
Fritz Lang’s film, Metropolis, explores a capitalist society where there is a break down in class segregation as a result of the formation of a mediator which leads to a more egalitarian society. In the opening scene, contrast is used to establish the difference in lifestyle between the rich upper-class and the proletariat as Freder is seen frolicking around in white clothing while the slaves’ children, wearing black rags are sent underground. Lang also uses the biblical reference of Moloch, the Canaanite god associated with sacrifice as Freder imagines hundreds of workers forced into Moloch’s mouth which further illustrates the abuse of power excised by the authority on the lower class, similar to the fear growing within Weimar Germany as the workers believed the abuse of power was an inevitable result of growing capitalism and industrialisation. The break in class segregation is shown through the angelic character, Maria, who initiates the removal of this barrier through the biblical reference of the Tower of Babel “But the hands that build the Tower of Babel knew nothing of their dream.” Lang shows that through the removal of a class barrier, the worker’s uprising can occur but backlash from the bureaucracy can still influence the effectiveness of this rebellion. The film ends as Freder is shown as the symbol of the mediator which indicates the breaking of the class separation and the end of the tyrannic abuse of authority “The mediator between the head and the hands must be the heart.” The conclusion that is drawn from Lang’s Metropolis is that the removal of class segregation topples and authority and provokes rebellion.
Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four offers a different representation of authority as he suggests that a totalitarian government with three classes, similar to the status quo in the Western World which provides verisimilitude, is not subject to rebellion. The people of Oceania are split into three parties, the inner party, the outer party and the proles. Big Brother segregates the classes as the common man represented by Winston is forced to keep his rebellious thoughts to himself. This is seen in the Two Minute Hate, the parties only opportunity for the classes to be together, to love Big Brother, where Winston sees an inner party member, O’Brien, and due to his lack of hope, assumed he was with the rebellion. “Winston knew-yes, he knew! – that O’Brien was thinking the same thig as himself.” Repetition is used to show how Winston’s segregation left him with no-one to turn to and as a result, just hopes O’Brien has the answer. The proles are also used by Orwell with resemblance to the uneducated masses that blindly followed the orders of Stalin and Hitler, only requiring propaganda to keep them in line. It’s for this reason that Winston believes there is hope for rebellion there with the irony “If there was hope, it must lie in the proles, because only there, in those swarming disregarded masses… could the force to destroy the party be generated.” The continuation of this class segregation is explored through Winston’s view on the inner party that the authority has intentionally drilled into his head “Below the inner party comes the outer party which if the inner party if the inner is described as the brains of the state, may justly be likened to the hands.” The simile used also provides contrast to Metropolis as it shows the middle class in a totalitarian system being abused like the lower class in a capitalist system, giving an indication as to Orwell’s view of the world’s outlook after WWII. Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four shows how segregation of classes leads to the inability for rebellion.
Metropolis shows that relationships can allow for the formation of rebellion. In the film, Maria is shows as a catalyst for Freder to change which is seen through the change in pace of the music that occurs when she enters the scene as peace is restored. The nature of authority is shown as Fredersen abuses the relationship between Maria and the workers as he creates “Maschinenmensch” or Machine Maria who attempts to exploit the workers by using her sexual attraction to incite violence in the workers. This highlights the misogyny at the time as even holy women like Maria were simply seen as sexual figures by men. The Yoshiwara nightclub scene shows Machine Maria as the symbol of the Whore of Babylon indicating the breaking of the bond between Freder and Maria. Lang however shows that when human relationships are able to grow, they can overcome exploitation that is used by Fredersen “It was Fredersen’s son that saved your children.” Maria is able to successfully make Freder realise that an egalitarian society is far better than one where many are exploited for a few. Lang shows that relationships that are not completely dissolved can lead to rebellion.
Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four by contrast shows an authoritarian state that manipulates and crushes the relationship between two people and as a result, no rebellion can occur. The primary relationship that Winston has is with Julia as although he is initially conditioned to believe that she is a spy “Winston had disliked her from the very first moment of seeing her”, but she eventually acts a beacon from which Winston performs rebellious acts against the state “All this marching up and down and cheering and waving flags is simply sex gone sour. If you're happy inside yourself, why should you get excited about Big Brother and the Three-Year Plans and the Two Minutes Hate and all the rest of their bloody rot?" High modality is used to show the significance of Winston’s relationship in his ability to rebel against the party as sex and love for another replaces one’s love for Big Brother. Orwell’s perspective on authority is however shown through as it destroys the relationship and any future hope for rebellion through the use of the introduction of a new language Newspeak which distorts meaning. When emotions can only be expressed with words like “plusgood” and “ungood” all meaning and complexity is lost. The final representation of this is shown in room 101 where Winston gives up his relationship with Julia “Do it to Julia! Do it to Julia! Not me! Julia! I don’t care what you do to her. Tear her face off, strip her to the bones. Not me! Julia! Not me!” Anaphora is used to indicate the eradication of rebellion against the state and authority being reinstated with full control in society. Orwell explores the idea that an authority can supress any rebellion if all relationships between people are destroyed.
After comparing 1984 and Metropolis, I have drawn the conclusion that although a single authoritative entity can have a large impact on its people, it is once this authority destroys relationships and segregates classes of people that rebellion is supressed.

Mod Edit: Added spoiler :)
« Last Edit: March 27, 2017, 09:03:14 pm by jamonwindeyer »

jamonwindeyer

  • Honorary Moderator
  • Great Wonder of ATAR Notes
  • *******
  • Posts: 10150
  • The lurker from the north.
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #907 on: March 27, 2017, 09:41:54 pm »
This was the essay question we answered, but i tried to make it broader so I could use it in my assessment (I usually memorise)
Couldd you please let me know how I can address what my teachers wants? i am reallly confused at the moment :(
Note - there is no conclusion as I usually just whip that up in the exam and it works (I usually get about 95%+ in my english exams)

Hey Neila! My spreadsheet tells me you need to reach 45 posts on the site to qualify for your next bit of feedback! ;D

Hi,
Here is my mod A Essay (1984/Metro). I think the third and fourth paragraphs aren't as good as the first two so advice would be great on how to make the essay better.
Thanks in Advance

We'll get you some feedback very soon my friend! :)

QC

  • Forum Regular
  • **
  • Posts: 56
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #908 on: March 28, 2017, 10:32:56 pm »
Hey Jamon if possible can you send it back to me today, thanks. Sorry for my impatience.

jamonwindeyer

  • Honorary Moderator
  • Great Wonder of ATAR Notes
  • *******
  • Posts: 10150
  • The lurker from the north.
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #909 on: March 29, 2017, 02:44:25 am »
Hi,
Here is my mod A Essay (1984/Metro). I think the third and fourth paragraphs aren't as good as the first two so advice would be great on how to make the essay better.
Thanks in Advance

Essay is attached with feedback in bold!

Spoiler

After comparing Metropolis and Nineteen Eighty-Four, what conclusions have you drawn about their intertextual perspectives relating to authority and revolution?


The intertextual perspectives found in Metropolis (1927) and Nineteen Eighty-Four (1949) differ as they show that the outcomes of revolution are based solely on the power of the authority existing in a society. Which states which perspective? A little unclear at this point - I know you elaborate later but it starts a little confusingly. Lang’s film, Metropolis, looks at a partially successful revolution as he shows that a capitalist authority does not have permanent control on its people. By contrast, Orwell’s novel Nineteen Eighty-Four, looks at a far bleaker outlook on the power of authority as he explores how a totalitarian state is able to have full control over its people and prevent rebellion. Nice textual introductions. The nature of the power of a state, whether with complete authority or one that is susceptible to rebellion, is defined by a state’s ability to segregate the classes of its society and to restrict the foundation relationships and bonds. These ideas down here and new, you should be a little clearer in the way you define them. Overall, a good introduction, but I'm not getting much on the intertextual perspectives and what they show us, nor am I getting much on context! Both would be good improvements.

Fritz Lang’s film, Metropolis, explores a capitalist society where there is a break down in class segregation as a result of the formation of a mediator which leads to a more egalitarian society. In the opening scene, contrast is used to establish the difference in lifestyle between the rich upper-class and the proletariat as Freder is seen frolicking around in white clothing while the slaves’ children, wearing black rags are sent underground. Try not to use plot retell as analysis - Use more abstract phrasing. "Juxtaposition between the wealthy and poor is achieved through black and white costuming, as the audience is shown ________." Lang also uses the biblical reference of Moloch, the Canaanite god associated with sacrifice as Freder imagines hundreds of workers forced into Moloch’s mouth which further illustrates the abuse of power excised by the authority on the lower class, similar to the fear growing within Weimar Germany as the workers believed the abuse of power was an inevitable result of growing capitalism and industrialisation. Good contextual link, but you need to make sure you are clear that you are referring to an aspect of Lang's context. Just to improve clarity. The break in class segregation is shown through the angelic character, Maria, who initiates the removal of this barrier through the biblical reference of the Tower of Babel “But the hands that build the Tower of Babel knew nothing of their dream.” Again, don't use retell - Just say "use of Biblical allusion" - The details of how that appears on screen are irrelevant. Lang shows that through the removal of a class barrier, the worker’s uprising can occur but backlash from the bureaucracy can still influence the effectiveness of this rebellion. The film ends as Freder is shown as the symbol of the mediator which indicates the breaking of the class separation and the end of the tyrannic abuse of authority “The mediator between the head and the hands must be the heart.” The conclusion that is drawn from Lang’s Metropolis is that the removal of class segregation topples and authority and provokes rebellion. Little wording issue in this sentence? Good paragraph, but be careful - A lot of your analysis was heavily retell. Focus on TECHNIQUES, don't rely on things happening in the film itself for that analysis.

Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four offers a different representation of authority as he suggests that a totalitarian government with three classes, similar to the status quo in the Western World which provides verisimilitude, is not subject to rebellion. Good opener - Nice link to previous text.The people of Oceania are split into three parties, the inner party, the outer party and the proles. Retell. Big Brother segregates the classes as the common man represented by Winston is forced to keep his rebellious thoughts to himself. Retell. This is seen in the Two Minute Hate, the parties only opportunity for the classes to be together, to love Big Brother, where Winston sees an inner party member, O’Brien, and due to his lack of hope, assumed he was with the rebellion. Retell - Be careful, you are just giving me a recount at this point!  “Winston knew-yes, he knew! – that O’Brien was thinking the same thig as himself.” Repetition is used to show how Winston’s segregation left him with no-one to turn to and as a result, just hopes O’Brien has the answer. Do you mean repetition of the word 'knew' in that paragraph? How does that have this segregative effect? Doesn't quite match to my perspective. The proles are also used by Orwell with resemblance to the uneducated masses that blindly followed the orders of Stalin and Hitler, only requiring propaganda to keep them in line. It’s for this reason that Winston believes there is hope for rebellion there with the irony “If there was hope, it must lie in the proles, because only there, in those swarming disregarded masses… could the force to destroy the party be generated.” Good use of technique there - But still just being used to explore the text. What am I shown? Why should I, the marker, care about these issues beyond just learning thoughts about the chracters? The continuation of this class segregation is explored through Winston’s view on the inner party that the authority has intentionally drilled into his head “Below the inner party comes the outer party which if the inner party if the inner is described as the brains of the state, may justly be likened to the hands.” The simile used also provides contrast to Metropolis as it shows the middle class in a totalitarian system being abused like the lower class in a capitalist system, giving an indication as to Orwell’s view of the world’s outlook after WWII. Try not to settle into the pattern of providing the technique in a separate sentence to the quote. It becomes .a little laborious if you do that frequently. Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four shows how segregation of classes leads to the inability for rebellion. Good concepts hidden in here, but on the whole the analysis needs to be more conceptual!

Metropolis shows that relationships can allow for the formation of rebellion. A little simplistic as a concept. In the film, Maria is shows as a catalyst for Freder to change which is seen through the change in pace of the music that occurs when she enters the scene as peace is restored. What does the change in music achieve in terms of your concept? That's a little unclear. The nature of authority is shown as Fredersen abuses the relationship between Maria and the workers as he creates “Maschinenmensch” or Machine Maria who attempts to exploit the workers by using her sexual attraction to incite violence in the workers. Retell. This highlights the misogyny at the time as even holy women like Maria were simply seen as sexual figures by men. Nice contextual link. The Yoshiwara nightclub scene shows Machine Maria as the symbol of the Whore of Babylon indicating the breaking of the bond between Freder and Maria. Lang however shows that when human relationships are able to grow, they can overcome exploitation that is used by Fredersen “It was Fredersen’s son that saved your children.” Technique? Maria is able to successfully make Freder realise that an egalitarian society is far better than one where many are exploited for a few. Lang shows that relationships that are not completely dissolved can lead to rebellion. Definitely a more simplistic concept - Not necessarily a bad thing. Your analysis is still what I'd be fixing first.

Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four by contrast shows an authoritarian state that manipulates and crushes the relationship between two people and as a result, no rebellion can occur. The primary relationship that Winston has is with Julia as although he is initially conditioned to believe that she is a spy “Winston had disliked her from the very first moment of seeing her”, but she eventually acts a beacon from which Winston performs rebellious acts against the state “All this marching up and down and cheering and waving flags is simply sex gone sour. If you're happy inside yourself, why should you get excited about Big Brother and the Three-Year Plans and the Two Minutes Hate and all the rest of their bloody rot?" Retell - Also try and limit your quote size, more for your convenience than anything else! High modality is used to show the significance of Winston’s relationship in his ability to rebel against the party as sex and love for another replaces one’s love for Big Brother. What does it show about the idea MORE GENERALLY though? Like, not just the characters, about the concept in general? Orwell’s perspective on authority is however shown through as it destroys the relationship and any future hope for rebellion through the use of the introduction of a new language Newspeak which distorts meaning. When emotions can only be expressed with words like “plusgood” and “ungood” all meaning and complexity is lost. The final representation of this is shown in room 101 where Winston gives up his relationship with Julia “Do it to Julia! Do it to Julia! Not me! Julia! I don’t care what you do to her. Tear her face off, strip her to the bones. Not me! Julia! Not me!” Again watch quote length. Anaphora is used to indicate the eradication of rebellion against the state and authority being reinstated with full control in society. Orwell explores the idea that an authority can supress any rebellion if all relationships between people are destroyed. Some more sophisticated concepts here, nice!

After comparing 1984 and Metropolis, I have drawn the conclusion that although a single authoritative entity can have a large impact on its people, it is once this authority destroys relationships and segregates classes of people that rebellion is supressed. Don't use "I" in an essay - Even though it is asking for your view it is still a piece of academic writing.

On the whole your essay is good! I do notice inconsistency of quality, particularly in the third paragraph, primarily due to the simplicity of your concept. Try adding some depth to your argument to increase sophistication. The big thing for you right now is analysis - Avoiding retell, having techniques with every quote, but crucially, what is the effect of the technique? Don't just explain what we see in the characters or learn about the plot, what new understandings do we gain on the perspectives of these texts on authority? The lessons I learn go beyond the characters - A more abstract approach is what you need! :)

anotherworld2b

  • Forum Leader
  • ****
  • Posts: 747
  • School Grad Year: 2017
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #910 on: April 01, 2017, 10:43:17 am »
Hi I was wondering if I could get some feedback on this response please :)

Spoiler
I

« Last Edit: April 06, 2017, 08:25:08 pm by anotherworld2b »

elysepopplewell

  • HSC Lecturer
  • Honorary Moderator
  • ATAR Notes Legend
  • *******
  • Posts: 3236
  • "Hey little fighter, soon it will be brighter."
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #911 on: April 03, 2017, 04:05:15 am »
Hi I was wondering if I could get some feedback on this response please :)

Hey anotherworld :)

Spoiler
The documentary ‘The Ugly Truth About Beauty’ by Barcroft TV utilises generic conventions of a typical documentary to highlight the prominence of the desire to alter one’s appearance in a particular way to conform to Western beauty standards. I have been impacted to feel alarmed and disturbed by the frequent advertisement of plastic surgery to be the preferred way to be accepted by others of achieving acceptance by others in society through the effective use of the generic conventions of a documentary that include using a on screen presenter and footage of actual cosmetic procedures.

Following the on screen presenter Kate Spicer’s personal cosmetic journey; an array of cosmetic procedures are explored ranging from botox to laser treatment. I have been impacted to feel alarmed and disturbed by the pursuit of beauty as one that is founded on society's conditioning on what it means to be beautiful. Nice! Typically, in modern society  beauty in the Western world is associated with possessing particular characteristics such as: a finely shaped nose, plump lips, large eyes, large bust, large bum as well as array I wouldn't use array because you used it at the start of this paragraph. of other conventional standards. However, in reality humans are not born with the same attributes; people may be short, fat and an array of other things that do not fit conventional beauty standards but we are still human. Drawn from this fact it is known that only a small proportion of the population are born fulfilling conventional standards. Furthermore, despite this fact ‘ugly’ people will continue their pursuit of beauty by commonly going to extreme lengths to be ‘beautiful’. Just the thought of enduring numerous cosmetic procedures with no guarantee of success and the possibility of disfiguration in cases of complications brings about about paranoia and fear. Hence, through Kate Spicer’s personal cosmetic journey I have been impacted me to feel alarmed and disturbed by the permeating influence of societal conditioning in regards to beauty.

The use of the generic convention of footage showing actual cosmetic procedures has impacted me to feel surprised and astonished by the documentary exploring the price, risk and pain involved behind particular procedures.Typically, in advertisements for cosmetic procedures and surgeries ‘before and after’ images are frequently used to promote a procedure. However, the duration just after the procedure and potential risks  are rarely portrayed in advertisements. The astonishing realisation that cosmetic procedures and surgeries are actually more painful, costly and risky than first perceived evokes a sense of mortification in me. Furthermore, the use of footage showing laser treatment for eyebags on Kate Spicer and the careful deliberation leading to it further reinforces the realisation that there is considerably more work that goes into getting cosmetic surgeries than I first thought. Hence, the use of footage of actual cosmetic surgeries has moved me to feel surprised and astonished by how little information I actually know what happens behind the scenes of actually getting cosmetic procedures.

This is one of the best pieces you've written anotherworld! I can hardly fault the content of your work. I wonder if the best way to improve is to talk about the way various techniques work together rather in isolation - or is that not expected of a typical WA response like this? Right now, this stands as a wonderful piece!
Not sure how to navigate around ATAR Notes? Check out this video!

anotherworld2b

  • Forum Leader
  • ****
  • Posts: 747
  • School Grad Year: 2017
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #912 on: April 03, 2017, 08:52:38 am »
thank you very much elysepoppewell  for your feedback :)

Hey anotherworld :)

Spoiler
The documentary ‘The Ugly Truth About Beauty’ by Barcroft TV utilises generic conventions of a typical documentary to highlight the prominence of the desire to alter one’s appearance in a particular way to conform to Western beauty standards. I have been impacted to feel alarmed and disturbed by the frequent advertisement of plastic surgery to be the preferred way to be accepted by others of achieving acceptance by others in society through the effective use of the generic conventions of a documentary that include using a on screen presenter and footage of actual cosmetic procedures.

Following the on screen presenter Kate Spicer’s personal cosmetic journey; an array of cosmetic procedures are explored ranging from botox to laser treatment. I have been impacted to feel alarmed and disturbed by the pursuit of beauty as one that is founded on society's conditioning on what it means to be beautiful. Nice! Typically, in modern society  beauty in the Western world is associated with possessing particular characteristics such as: a finely shaped nose, plump lips, large eyes, large bust, large bum as well as array I wouldn't use array because you used it at the start of this paragraph. of other conventional standards. However, in reality humans are not born with the same attributes; people may be short, fat and an array of other things that do not fit conventional beauty standards but we are still human. Drawn from this fact it is known that only a small proportion of the population are born fulfilling conventional standards. Furthermore, despite this fact ‘ugly’ people will continue their pursuit of beauty by commonly going to extreme lengths to be ‘beautiful’. Just the thought of enduring numerous cosmetic procedures with no guarantee of success and the possibility of disfiguration in cases of complications brings about about paranoia and fear. Hence, through Kate Spicer’s personal cosmetic journey I have been impacted me to feel alarmed and disturbed by the permeating influence of societal conditioning in regards to beauty.

The use of the generic convention of footage showing actual cosmetic procedures has impacted me to feel surprised and astonished by the documentary exploring the price, risk and pain involved behind particular procedures.Typically, in advertisements for cosmetic procedures and surgeries ‘before and after’ images are frequently used to promote a procedure. However, the duration just after the procedure and potential risks  are rarely portrayed in advertisements. The astonishing realisation that cosmetic procedures and surgeries are actually more painful, costly and risky than first perceived evokes a sense of mortification in me. Furthermore, the use of footage showing laser treatment for eyebags on Kate Spicer and the careful deliberation leading to it further reinforces the realisation that there is considerably more work that goes into getting cosmetic surgeries than I first thought. Hence, the use of footage of actual cosmetic surgeries has moved me to feel surprised and astonished by how little information I actually know what happens behind the scenes of actually getting cosmetic procedures.

This is one of the best pieces you've written anotherworld! I can hardly fault the content of your work. I wonder if the best way to improve is to talk about the way various techniques work together rather in isolation - or is that not expected of a typical WA response like this? Right now, this stands as a wonderful piece!

anotherworld2b

  • Forum Leader
  • ****
  • Posts: 747
  • School Grad Year: 2017
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #913 on: April 03, 2017, 09:04:35 am »
Hi was wondering if I could have some feedback on this response please :D
 I was quite confused whether or not I was wondering the question properly
Spoiler









« Last Edit: April 17, 2017, 03:14:31 pm by anotherworld2b »

elysepopplewell

  • HSC Lecturer
  • Honorary Moderator
  • ATAR Notes Legend
  • *******
  • Posts: 3236
  • "Hey little fighter, soon it will be brighter."
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #914 on: April 04, 2017, 08:10:37 am »
Hi was wondering if I could have some feedback on this response please :D
 I was quite confused whether or not I was wondering the question properly

Ciao anotherworld! How are you going with these responses? How is your teacher responding to them? I'd love to know if we're putting you on the right track :)

Spoiler
Responses to the documentary ‘The Ugly Truth About Beauty’ by Barcroft TV can be shaped in numerous ways depending on the viewer’s cultural context. To people living in war-torn third world countries, tormented by poverty and suffering they may be unable to understand the unhealthy obsession with ‘beauty’ explored by this documentary and respond with confusion. To others, such viewers in living prosperous and peaceful first world countries, the prominence of the increasing issue of obsession with ‘beauty’ is often understood and acknowledge instantly by the public with clarity. Therefore, different responses are shaped from different cultural contexts.


Individuals living in war-torn third world countries may be unable to comprehend the importance of the issue of obsession with ‘beauty’ and respond with confusion. Typically, in third world countries poverty is a pressuring issue experienced on a daily basis that threatens survival. Poverty kills numerous children, adults and elderly around the world and is still a prevalent issue in the 21st century. Over time, people who have been subjected to hunger on a daily basis simply begin to accept their predicament as a normal aspect of life. This is reflective of a determined attitude established to be one founded on survival rather than luxury. In addition, the value of the access of food and water is greater respected and appreciated by those who live in poverty. The issue conveyed in the documentary therefore may cause individuals stricken with poverty to respond with confusion to the promoted value to ‘be attractive’. As a result, to individuals that are tormented by poverty and war on a daily basis have a determined attitude towards survival rather than towards the foreign issue of being beauty. Hence, individuals tormented by poverty are likely to value food and water above all unnecessary luxuries such as having a favourable appearance.


On the contrary, individuals living in first world countries in the 21st century are likely to respond to documentary’s warning with interest and wonder. First world countries in the 21st century often provides its citizens with a wide access to luxurious utilities and facilities. In addition, one of the most pressing issues of discussion is body image and appearance. As a person living in a first world country I am able to see the prevalence of vanity in the pursue of a perfect appearance by using cosmetic surgery and procedures. Time and money are spent on the luxury called maintaining beauty rather than on essentials such as food, water and shelter. This reflects a vain attitude towards valuing luxuries such as maintaining appearance rather than things essential to survival. As a result, to individuals that are blessed with numerous privileges they may be able to appreciate and praise the documentaries exploration of the issue of body insecurity. Hence, a viewer's response is shaped by their cultural context.

I'm going to suggest some overall things rather than nit-picking at your work - because the work is fine! It's very clear, not at all waffley, etc.
I don't know what the expectation is with WA tasks, but in the HSC, even if it isn't specified that you are to talk about techniques from the text, you should anyway and use that as your point of analysis. Also, you might consider the notion of "standpoint" when giving your analysis. A standpoint is essentially the point of view someone holds shaped by various life experiences. Cultural context would influence this heavily. Also, I might suggested broadening the types of context you discuss. Cultural context is used loosely here, but perhaps economic, personal, and social contexts might also play into this? I'm not sure if you have the word capacity to explore these, but these different lenses will give new depth to your work and I think it's really worth considering if it's at all an option. Your piece currently answers the question in a very straight forward way, so perhaps looking at the different types of contexts would be beneficial for layering the response to give it a little decadence :)
Not sure how to navigate around ATAR Notes? Check out this video!