Two thoughts are dominating me right now. One is that I'm not doing well in terms of academics, and that I need to find new people.
Let's address the first thought first. I'm really worried in terms of marks. My UCQT hasn't gone too well, and it's in two weeks. My average for each section is below or close to the average, which should not be. Plus, I probably won't practice the week after next week, as I'm away to Canberra on a school study camp without access to the internet. I'm deeply worried. I think I need to research on how I can improve tomorrow. Honestly, now that I think about it, I just need to keep practicing and practicing. I guess that's really it. I'm gonna research and see what happens tomorrow.
The second thought. Right now, I feel kind of deprived, if you know what I mean. Or in other words, lonely, like I'm kind of missing something or someone, no matter how cringe that sounds. Like, I really like my friends an all that, but I always feel like needing to release to someone, to have someone to talk to, who's available. I'm craving a close relationship with people, whom I, in the moment, can talk to. And it's kind of hopeless right now, because the only people I kind of know close are at school, where my character is already set in the social spectrum, if you know what I mean. That's why I love AN at the moment. People don't really see me as cringe (hopefully
and accept me for who I am. I just wish that people whom I can interact with see me beyond the surface. I wish I could become myself, letting go of my seeming confidence and just be myself in front of someone, an insecure person who needs to let stuff out.
On the other hand, I also wish to help people. I've been trying to do that on AN for sometime, and it really fulfills me. I just wish right now that people in my current life right now will be right there for me right now, and that I can be right there for them at anytime. I wish I can talk to them at any time and they will respond, and they will talk to me and I will talk to them.
It's a really selfish thing to be honest, but I think deep inside I've wanting that to be true. I do realise that no person can fill this role, but I wish there would be someone to whom I can instantly release. I've tried to do this in the past, but what people say usually is 'ill be there for you' instead of just listening. And it's so hard to tell them of what I've been thinking as well. It's really hard to reveal to someone of what I am feeling.
Sometimes, I feel like this is the right way to go, to be alone and go through these experiences alone, in order to grow stronger. But I feel like needing someone by my side as well. I don't know.
I've been telling my friends about this, and they've told me to get into a relationship with someone. But who!?!? I'm perfectly available to be honest, but there is no one whom I have resonated with or known other than school friends
. That would solve something, perhaps, but the problem is there is no one.
It's this internal struggle I guess I need to face independently. I guess meditation and mindfulness would help, but yeah.
This shit is super embarassing, and it shouldn't be, but it kind of is. Whatever it is, I'm just feeling the need to get to know more people and to make new friends other than those at school. I've post again tomorrow, but I can't really find a solution to this.