Writing out the nonsense in my head.

[heids]

Don't push yourself too hard heidi. Humans always make mistakes, don't punish yourself to hard for these mistakes.
I'm sure it won't get to that stage, but be careful not to be too critical of yourself on these mistakes.
It can be just as harmful and even more so then not being conscious of the mistakes you made.

I have a history of being insanely critical of myself over tiny things.  My aim here is to become more able to freely admit my errors to myself and others, which would require realising that they're not important, and are okay to admit.

I haven't posted here for a few days because so many ideas have been flooding my head, I don't know which to choose, and my perfectionism is kicking in.  . Gotta take a step back and remember it doesn't matter precisely what I write about, and I have time.  This isn't a race.

I just finished Alexandre Dumas' 117-chapter novel, The Count of Monte Cristo.  It ends with:

"There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must have felt what it is to die, Morrel, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of living.

“Live, then, and be happy, beloved children of my heart, and never forget that until the day when God shall deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is summed up in these two words,—‘Wait and hope.’

—Your friend,
"Edmond Dantès, Count of Monte Cristo."

I'll discuss what yoga-related thoughts I've drawn out of the book tomorrow.

[heids]

One lesson I got from The Count of Monte Cristo:

"This too shall pass". 

The main character spends fourteen years (!) in jail, age 20-34, during which he thinks his life is essentially over.  The bulk of the novel shows his life post-prison, building a new life and hugely impacting others; prison becomes a semi-forgotten thing of his past.

It's easy, stuck in the middle of something - be it high school and year 12 exams, a depressive episode, abuse, a breakup - to see it as eternal and life-defining.  In reality, it passes and becomes a very minor thing in a life full of many, many experiences. It's important to do your best in each stage of life, but in the long term, all that is right now so hugely important has little impact.

We all know this, but I found Edmond's reminder to "wait and hope" through all things encouraging.  Had he killed himself in prison, as he planned to, he would never have got out and had the impact he did; essentially, he would have been in prison forever.  By waiting and hoping - for FOURTEEN long years! - and knowing that this too shall pass, it did pass, and he lived a long life full of many other deeds.

Yoga constantly brings me back to this.  I'll get through.  I need to see that bigger picture rather than get lost in little waves of the ocean as if they're the whole ocean.

[heids]

Empathy!

I'm a very empathetic person.  If someone talks of strong emotions that I can relate to - nervousness before exams, humiliation, shame from performing poorly at something, intense relief when pressure lifts - I feel it very viscerally in my body.

As a result, I can often feel terrible for people and want to fix everything for them, so that they - and I! - can stop feeling this way.

The year after I finished VCE, I dived in deep with helping people and got really involved in the VCE journeys of lots of ANers.  When exams and results came round, I was emotionally invested in all their feelings, and it ended up an over-intense rollercoaster of feeling the relief and joy of the satisfied, the pain and humiliation of the disappointed, and such a desire to protect and fix.  It was too much; I've kept myself detached from helping like that the last two years.
I've been learning a lot about perspective on my own troubles lately.  I've learnt to believe that all things work together for good - that all my experiences, good and bad (not that anything is intrinsically good or bad), offer me a chance to grow.  So when I struggle, I'm gradually believing more and more that it's necessary and bearable and even good, no matter how horrible.

I'm finding (ty Brenden and Dad!) that I need to apply this to those I love, too.  When they struggle:
- they will get through okay
- the pain is transient
- it is for their best and will help them
- it is not something to be avoided.

I don't mean I'll preach this at them lol, more, that while I can still share in their pain, I can also step back and see its true value rather than trying madly to squelch it because it hurts.  And just be there for people, rather than try and fix people.

[peterpiper]

One lesson I got from The Count of Monte Cristo:

"This too shall pass". 

The main character spends fourteen years (!) in jail, age 20-34, during which he thinks his life is essentially over.  The bulk of the novel shows his life post-prison, building a new life and hugely impacting others; prison becomes a semi-forgotten thing of his past.

It's easy, stuck in the middle of something - be it high school and year 12 exams, a depressive episode, abuse, a breakup - to see it as eternal and life-defining.  In reality, it passes and becomes a very minor thing in a life full of many, many experiences. It's important to do your best in each stage of life, but in the long term, all that is right now so hugely important has little impact.

We all know this, but I found Edmond's reminder to "wait and hope" through all things encouraging.  Had he killed himself in prison, as he planned to, he would never have got out and had the impact he did; essentially, he would have been in prison forever.  By waiting and hoping - for FOURTEEN long years! - and knowing that this too shall pass, it did pass, and he lived a long life full of many other deeds.

Yoga constantly brings me back to this.  I'll get through.  I need to see that bigger picture rather than get lost in little waves of the ocean as if they're the whole ocean.

There was a quote in a book I'm reading which reminded me of what you said. Just thought I should share it:

"To ask earnestly the question of the ultimate meaning of history takes one's breath away. It transports us into a vacuum which only hope and faith can fill."

Not sure how it's completely connected, but the background to this quote is that the historian was asking about the lessons of what we could learn from history, and what its essential meaning is if as time passed we forget about it or that mankind ceases to exist and no one is around to make sense of any of what could be studied. The part when he talks about the "vacuum" just sort of reminded me of living. We get so caught up in things that we lose perspective, that what's worth any of our experience is the sum of how much we hope and have faith in the corrolary of experiences to come. Ergo, in studying history, we revisit these parts of ourselves, which give it a worthwhile-ness, a meaning beyond constraints of time, whether or not it would mean anything in 100 year's time...because that doesn't matter. What matters for studying anything whether it is ourselves, the world, or simply history, is that we continue to have hope and faith in what we know now can give rise to more meaningful experiences.

[heids]

"To ask earnestly the question of the ultimate meaning of history takes one's breath away. It transports us into a vacuum which only hope and faith can fill."

Oh man, I know that existential vacuum well.  Hope and faith are definitely all that can fill it.  Truth.

Ergo, in studying history, we revisit these parts of ourselves, which give it a worthwhile-ness, a meaning beyond constraints of time, whether or not it would mean anything in 100 year's time...because that doesn't matter. What matters for studying anything whether it is ourselves, the world, or simply history, is that we continue to have hope and faith in what we know now can give rise to more meaningful experiences.

So true.  It's easy to focus on "this means nothing in the bigger scheme of things", but it means something RIGHT NOW.  A meaningful experience lives in the present; it doesn't have to exist in the future.  For instance, I've worked in dementia care, and sometimes people ask what is the point of doing kind things for them, as they forget a few moments afterwards.  But it matters to me that they have experienced joy in that moment, even if they don't remember.

I just wrote myself a permission slip: "Here's permission to be as happy, deep and passionate as you can." (Ironically, I'm feeling very not-happy this evening, haha).  From now on, I'm allowed to feel happy (or sad, or whatever I feel), regardless of what others feel.  I'm allowed to be well.

I'm going to try not to apologise for being happy, deep and passionate again.  I don't need to compare, compare, compare.

*lets go*

[heids]

EDIT: I realise all the things I say don't seem directly related to yoga.  In my mind, they are: anything related to faith, hope, change of perspective, kindness, love, surrounding yourself with good - all are linked to yoga philosophy.

Another character from The Count of Monte Cristo, although fictional and unrealistic haha, inspired me. 

This character was a fellow prisoner who broke into the Count's prison cell after years of whittling out a tunnel while in solitary confinement.  With no logical hope and very few resources, he still spent months working on creating tools to help him tunnel his way through fifty feet of rock, and also wrote his life work, even using his own blood as ink.  He managed to give himself a purpose every single day in the most barren of circumstances.

The Abbe Farir's example lives with me every day.  No matter my circumstances I'm reminded that I can continue living with purpose.  Can't describe how much it's impacted me: I feel like I've learnt from it the power to sit in a room with nothing to do and still occupy myself.

[heids]

Today, I came across this:

People try to become special by talking about their miseries.  If someone sympathises with you and believes in your misery - even in your exaggerated version of it - you feel happy.  Misery makes you special.  Misery makes you more egoistic.

I am in *no way* applying this to others, or even universally to myself, but I do think it's relevant to my current situation.

For the past couple of months I've been trying to negotiate the "getting better" process and have been looking towards shedding my personal and social label of "depressed".  It's hard, and I've experienced a lot of internal resistance.

With the "depressed" label, others give me leeway.  If I behave like a dick, I can blame it on feeling shit.  If I want to dodge certain responsibilities, I can.  If I want sympathy or attention, I can get it.  I'm treated differently.

This is all very fair when I was really severely depressed, but now I'm struggling more mildly - and looking to the future where I'll hopefully be at a "normal" level of ups and downs - I need to let go of this protection and specialness.  It's not to say I won't reach out for help or give myself leeway, because life has its downs outside of mental illness (everything is so much more grey and graduated than a black and white "depressed" or "not depressed" label!), but I need to stop hiding behind this.

Simply having looked at this clearly and straight in the face is helping me.  Hard, but helpful.

I'm getting there, folks.  Wherever "there" is.  Life is messy.

[heids]

Mindfulness is simply being aware of what is happening right now without wishing it were different; enjoying the pleasant without holding on when it changes (which it will); being with the unpleasant without fearing it will always be this way (which it won't).

As we encounter new experiences with a mindful and wise attention, we discover that one of three things will happen to our new experience: it will go away, it will stay the same, or it will get more intense.  Whatever happens does not really matter.

I've often thought that how I'm feeling at a particular point is absolutely unbearable and I cannot possibly survive it.  This has never proved true.  Everything has always turned out to be okay, every intense feeling has always abated, I have survived everything.

And no matter what happens, I'm going to be able to survive the future.  So are you.

[heids]

Heidi and the Fly, or, An Unentertaining Story of my Over-Mindful Self being Fucking Weird

Out walking, I met a fly.  I became annoyed, swatted out at the fly, made faces at the fly, and it would not go away.  Darned fly.

Then Mindful Heidi kicked in.  I've been making her the entire focus of my life lately - my entire purpose for each day right now is to be mindful.

Anyway, this M.H. began to talk:

"How about you just sit with this fly?  Just let it be.  It's here in your life right now to teach you.  Keep breathing."

So I sat with it (more accurately, walked with it).  I let it tickle my face and buzz annoyingly while I just observed.  But actually - is the tickling or the buzzing innately annoying?  Just a feeling and a sound.  Neither positive or negative.  It just is.  It's only my brain that attaches negativity to it.  So I just heard the noise and felt the fly walking round on my face and sneaking up under my sunnies to get to my eyes.

My face itched.  I didn't let my hand move up automatically and scratch it.  I just kept walking and breathing deeply and smiling and waited for the itch to pass.  It was surprisingly difficult not to scratch it, but it passed.  I didn't have to react.

I smiled at the fly and hoped it had a good life.  I called it Leslie.  When it left, I said goodbye.  I didn't hate it.

Then I laughed at myself.  What a fucking loon.  Wishing a fly a good life.  Saying to myself that it came into my life for a purpose.  Thinking such weird shit.  But that's okay.  I enjoyed walking, I enjoyed the fly, I enjoyed breathing, I enjoyed laughing at myself, and I enjoyed being a fucking loon.

You may or may not notice, but I've been changing a lot lately.

[heids]

I want to waffle at length about me and mindfulness.  It's been making me a far calmer, more peaceful person.

Firstly, just like with yoga, I've had an innate resistance to it because it's such a buzzword or fad.  Nonetheless, like yoga, actually applying it has been wonderful.

I've known mindfulness principles, and used them to some extent, for a long time.  But it's only recently that I've been really, truly, ruling my whole life with them, on a practical genuine level rather than an intellectual level.  I was finally in the right place - I think it comes from yoga - for it all to really deeply click.  I've been really trying to be mindful every minute of every day.  It helps that I'm not working much right now, so I have time to simply practice being mindful - sort of engrain it in my head and change my mind's patterns while it's easiest.

There are so many truths I know - "Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you react", "comparing yourself with others is silly, as you don't even know their reality, and it doesn't matter anyway"... so many more: all things much easier said than done.

Well, I've been saying them to myself a lot.  Like, every few minutes I'll tell myself some of these phrases and truths.  And the more I tell them to myself and pay attention to them - because yes, I do have some control over where my attention goes - the more I really begin to believe them in practice rather than on a theoretical level.  They get deeper under my skin, and next time I truly need them, they come more to my mind.

The challenge with mindfulness is... the mind you're trying to be mindful of is the same mind you have to use to be mindful.  It's hard to remember to be mindful, because you only remember to be mindful WHEN you're actually being mindful.  You have to have a moment of mindfulness to become mindful again.

But with practice, you really can.  If you focus on making that your day's aim, you can do it a bit more that day, and incrementally it builds up as you sorta rewrite your brain.

Some thoughts I've been making second nature:

--> Thoughts are just stories.  My perception of what an event is or means is, quite simply, not truth.  It *might* reflect the truth of the situation, but it's more likely it doesn't.  So if I think, "so-and-so is trying to attack me" or "I deserve to die" (or milder thoughts), that doesn't make them at all true.

--> I can deal with whatever feelings arise.  I can sit with that pain.  I can challenge/question/rationalise/redirect my thoughts, intellectually fixing my dialogue.  It doesn't mean the feelings go away, but that's not my aim - instead, I just take away the weight and importance of my thoughts and then feel my feelings until I stop feeling them.  It always passes.

--> I avoid judging if something is good or bad.  They aren't innately good or bad - I myself label their goodness or badness.

--> I've also been killing the concepts of "wasted time" and "waiting" in my mind - right now is the right moment and the one in which I can be mindful and meditative and kind.  So small annoyances have much less weight with me; I can mindfully and happily wait in line or traffic or at a station.

--> I matter neither more nor less than anyone else.  I need to be consciously aware of when I'm doing or thinking things because of my ego; it doesn't matter if I'm better or worse than others.

--> All things will work out for good.

--> Consciously breathe.

[heids]

This is hard to share.

I feel like there's a widening gap between me and most others, even while I try to find more connection.

I intentionally avoid most media: I dislike the majority of its messages.  Instead, I immerse myself in yogic and buddhist philosophy - I want to intentionally choose what goes into my head and what I focus on, rather than working on autopilot and swallowing whatever I'm fed.

The result is... a very, very different perspective on life to most.  Some of that comes through in my posts; these aren't just things I'm writing, they're how I actually think most of the time.  So when I interact with most people, I'm constantly left feeling off because I just don't see things the same way.  The more I get deep into yoga, the "worse" this will be, and I'm not sure how to negotiate it!

I don't want to be a self-righteous holier-than-thou prude.  But yet I also don't want to lose my ideals and... move down to the level others are at.  This is what I truly feel, even while I struggle with feeling it because it seems so arrogant and I'm-better-than-you.  And yet I don't mean it that way.  I don't think.

So my mental questions are:

1.  How do I maintain my ideals while still interacting and connecting kindly with others who don't share them?
2.  Am I going too far with being different from others?
3.  Am I arrogant?  How can I avoid it?  Dafuq do I do when I truly believe some things are right and therefore believe that it's better to try and follow them than to follow other ideas?  Sometimes I think I'm the worst human out there, other times I think I'm better than most.  I'm so confused.

[heids]

After nearly five months, I've seen soooo much physical progress (and the mental progress mirrors that).  Consistent practice truly works.

While for the first couple of months I was constantly sore and my original range of motion became *harder* to access, that settled down.  It takes a while to see distinct  progress, but it absolutely comes.  The start is the hardest - it feels like you're getting nowhere - but after a while it suddenly starts clicking into place.  I promise.

Now, folding forward with palms next to my feet on the floor and head to my shins is as easy as walking.  Originally, I couldn't get near putting my palms on the floor, though I could *just* touch my toes.

I'm so much stronger, too - I can now see why downward dog is called a "resting pose" rather than "exhausting shoulder-muscle-killing-pose".  Chaturanga (yoga push up) comes naturally.  I'm seeing progress everywhere and I know that it'll keep going if I keep practicing consistently.  It's exhilarating, seeing such tangible differences and achievements.

Rant: basic-ish poses I still really struggle with

- Backbends.  I've never been confident to push myself in this so I still find a slight backward bend terrifying and exhausting haha.

- Reverse extended side angle pose, image below. SO BLOODY HARD.  I can complete the whole ninja-like hand-to-big-toe sequence far more easily (balance on one leg, lift other leg to eye level, hold 5 breaths, bring out to side, hold 5 breaths, bring back to centre, lean forwards to touch chin to lifted leg, let go of leg and hold it unsupported in the air 5 breaths).

I now look like a decently competent (not advanced) yoga practitioner, but still haven't been to a yoga class and still do yoga on bare concrete.

[Bri MT]

This is hard to share.

I feel like there's a widening gap between me and most others, even while I try to find more connection.

I intentionally avoid most media: I dislike the majority of its messages.  Instead, I immerse myself in yogic and buddhist philosophy - I want to intentionally choose what goes into my head and what I focus on, rather than working on autopilot and swallowing whatever I'm fed.

The result is... a very, very different perspective on life to most.  Some of that comes through in my posts; these aren't just things I'm writing, they're how I actually think most of the time.  So when I interact with most people, I'm constantly left feeling off because I just don't see things the same way.  The more I get deep into yoga, the "worse" this will be, and I'm not sure how to negotiate it!

I don't want to be a self-righteous holier-than-thou prude.  But yet I also don't want to lose my ideals and... move down to the level others are at.  This is what I truly feel, even while I struggle with feeling it because it seems so arrogant and I'm-better-than-you.  And yet I don't mean it that way.  I don't think.

So my mental questions are:

1.  How do I maintain my ideals while still interacting and connecting kindly with others who don't share them?
2.  Am I going too far with being different from others?
3.  Am I arrogant?  How can I avoid it?  Dafuq do I do when I truly believe some things are right and therefore believe that it's better to try and follow them than to follow other ideas?  Sometimes I think I'm the worst human out there, other times I think I'm better than most.  I'm so confused.

Anytime you have a strongly held set of ideals, there will inevitably those whose actions/beliefs disagree with your own. Only the people involved can decide if the conflict is to significant to have a positive relationship. It may depend on factors like how much their attitude diverges from yours, how uncomfortable you feel about that, and the extent to which you can understand their attitude.
making these kind of decisions doesn't make you arrogant, it is a good thing to have a strong focus on living the best life you can.
If this path takes you away from others, know that there are some it will also lead you to and ask if you would rather feel trapped on theirs or explore your own.

You have been focusing on becoming superior to your previous self, so it's normal to wonder if that makes you superior to others that you initially felt were on the same level and haven't been investing into self development (and to then criticise yourself for this, because "I'm such a terrible person for thinking that"). As you've mentioned it isn't mentally healthy, and I don't think it's particularly valid either. We all have such different factors influencing us, different things we invest into, and so much of our development is hidden so comparisons about the relative ranking of people just doesn't work. Be proud that you're taking a healthy path and making progress and remember that your pride doesn't say anything about others' ability to be proud, it doesn't make you arrogant.

Congratulations on everything you've achieved thus far and on your perseverance



My reply reads as a bit arrogant to me but that wasn't my intention, and more importantly, I hope that it helps you in some way.

[heids]

I've now been to my first yoga class, which has been very helpful in an unexpected way.  Surprisingly, I was more physically competent than anyone else in the class, and the teacher asked afterwards if I was hypermobile or a yoga teacher.  It was encouraging.

I guess I practice a very challenging style of yoga, and have "spent time" only with book authors/youtubers with 20+ years experience, without seeing other novice students.  So I've had this sense that I need to be physically very capable, while breathing smoothly, while contracting the pelvic floor, while gazing at the right place, and having complete mental concentration and peace.  That's a lot to require in just a few months of practice!  I've constantly felt self-doubt, like I'm not [concentrated, hardworking, distress-tolerant, mentally capable, enduring, you name it] enough to practice yoga.

But these aren't skills I have to bring to yoga - they're skills I'll gradually develop through yoga.

Obviously if I went to a different class, I'd be dwarfed by other students' skills, and it's not about this comparison - I just needed to recognise that I am doing okay and it's alright to not know everything at once.

Making these kind of decisions doesn't make you arrogant, it is a good thing to have a strong focus on living the best life you can.
If this path takes you away from others, know that there are some it will also lead you to and ask if you would rather feel trapped on theirs or explore your own.

You have been focusing on becoming superior to your previous self, so it's normal to wonder if that makes you superior to others that you initially felt were on the same level and haven't been investing into self development (and to then criticise yourself for this, because "I'm such a terrible person for thinking that"). As you've mentioned it isn't mentally healthy, and I don't think it's particularly valid either. We all have such different factors influencing us, different things we invest into, and so much of our development is hidden so comparisons about the relative ranking of people just doesn't work. Be proud that you're taking a healthy path and making progress and remember that your pride doesn't say anything about others' ability to be proud, it doesn't make you arrogant.

Very encouraging, thank you, miniturtle.  Always need reminders not to compare and to live my own life rather than judging where it should be based on others! <3

[heids]

I'm back.

I've been very anxious in navasana (boat pose - sit on your bum, lean your chest backwards and lift your legs into the air to make a V-shape).  It's traditionally 5 x 25 second holds with a body lift between each rep - very hard on legs and core.  And it never gets easier - you push yourself harder and straighten your legs more and lengthen rep time as you get stronger.

My mind always starts to whirl, worsening as the physical discomfort increases - am I not trying or enduring enough?  Should I be pushing through the discomfort more?  Am I about to collapse and fail?  What happens if, some hypothetical time later in life, I'm under more physical and mental pressure and I'm too weak and give up?!  Am I a bad person because I don't have grit and endurance?!?  Do I deserve death because I'm a bad person?!?!?!

Then I get to the end of it and it's over and I got through all that physical and mental stress just fine and I can breathe and reason out my mental idiocies that I couldn't control under pressure.  I still feel pretty weak and lazy, but I know I'll just keep doing it most days anyway.  Deep breaths.  I'm an okay human.

I think it's very slowly building my anxiety resilience and distress tolerance.  Whew.