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March 29, 2024, 03:15:54 am

Author Topic: Timed AA on VCAA 2017 (letter to parents of children at Spire Primary School)  (Read 651 times)  Share 

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The Cat In The Hat

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I wrote this during a practise exam; it took around 50-55 minutes. I typed it up verbatim (really difficult to do and not to edit along the way!) If I could get feedback of any description (tear it to shreds if you want, I'll deal with anything except outright rudeness of course (which AN would never give :)))
Section C - argument and persuasive language (Principal’s Letter, VCAA 2017)
Many people are becoming increasingly concerned about the future of this planet. In her weekly Principal’s Message, Denise Walker, of Spire Primary School, presents a new scheme to reduce plastic waste, arguing for the importance of the reduction of waste packaging within their school and striving to cause her audience of parents to play their part and help to reduce the use of non-reusable packaging in their homes. Her rather stilted, careful tone is used to try and cause her audience to agree with her viewpoint and encourage their children to do so.

Walker’s message opens with a salutation to the ‘parents of Spire Primary School’. From the outset, she establishes to whom she is speaking in order to reinforce the feeling in the audience that it is a message to them. Her argument centres around the idea of ‘superfluous packaging’. Her initial use of imagined dialogue - ‘“Oh no!” I heard you say’ - is intended to build a sense of camaraderie with the audience, as if she understands them. Her immediate acknowledgement of the ‘new paths’ she takes the school down, and listing of her achievements, is supposed to build up the audience’s receptability of her ‘idea’, which she has not explained yet. The belief that ‘we at Spire can do more’ fosters in her audience a sense of pride in the community, as well as interest and anxiousness to do ‘more’. The next paragraph explains Walker’s ‘[increasing concern]’. Her use of emotive words and phrases such as ‘superfluous’, ‘clogging’ and ‘environmental damage’ is supposed to incite a sense of alarm in her audience, and show them the importance of the issue. As Walker lists off many different things that have such ‘superfluous packaging’, her audience is supposed to be shocked and feeling guilty because of their part in the matter. Walker’s choice to include, directly next to this paragraph, a picture of a large pile of garbage bags, further highlights her point. The dull colours and dark sky also suggests to her audience a dulled future, in which such damage is ‘irreversible’, which she endeavours to use to put trepidation into the minds of her audience.

Having thus done so, Walker uses an anecdote, both to show the mundane need for change and also to foster the fear she tried to build in the audience. Her use of the phrase ‘many, I am glad to say’, infuses a lightness into the early heavy tone, as well as appealing directly to the parents of the children and thus trying to make them feel proud of what their children are already like. Her use of words like ‘kept seeing’ highlights the recurring and concerning nature of the issue, seeking to worry the parents into action. The recurring words such as ‘little’, ‘few’ and ‘some’ further show the small details of the problem, while emphasising its eventual importance. Walker chooses small examples to show the insidiousness of the issue and alert the parents to their danger. While the objects are innocuously named - such as the ‘cute little plastic fish’ - the principal then delivers the shock factor with exclamation marks and accusations such as ‘mere rubbish!’, endeavouring to startle the parents into rethinking their behaviour. Her immediate offer of alternatives, such as a ‘common flask’, is supposed to reinforce to her audience the reality of change and that it is not only necessary, but easily accessible. The comment about the tomato sauce containers, which are ‘lethal’, is supposed to reinforce her point about the danger of excessive packaging. This leads seamlessly into her next paragraph and also her final point.

Walker concludes with a classic call to action. Her innocent beginning ‘I am asking’ I supposed to make the parents feel that her points are valid and reasonable. The caveat that ‘in the case of the canteen’ she is ‘insisting’ further shows her perception of the importance of the matter, striving to impress on her audience the same feeling of importance. Her repetition of words like ‘unnecessary’ is intended to soothe the worried feelings of her audience in case they feel she is going too far. The ‘multiplying little pods’ are another reminder of the insidiousness of such behaviour. Her description of the ‘old communal teapot’, juxtaposed with the ‘[doing] away with the pretty teabags’, is supposed to bring to mind old, solid, dependable community resources, as opposed to ‘pretty’, new, ethereal items that may be doing real harm. Her sudden direction to speaking directly to her audience in a sense of rhetorical questions is supposed to make them feel that they themselves have much to do. Her questions as to ‘why not’ are intended to make her audience think and consider changes in their home life. Walker’s rapid switch back to the school implies that she feels she cannot reasonably judge her audience, in a manner they are supposed to agree with. Her admittance that it would be a ‘challenge’ that ‘must’ be confronted ‘for the sake of future generations’ is supposed to make any remaining dissenters feel ashamed and embarrassed of their reticence. The bald statement that she ‘will be implementing’ a unit in each year to teach about sustainability is supposed to show the importance she places on so doing. Her terse ending - ‘As usual, your comments are welcome’ - implies her feeling that the audience will all be convinced and willing to do what she is arguing, as well as reminding them of her professional stance.

However, not everyone will agree with her, as the comment from parent ‘Louise’ shows. Her colloquial statement ‘Fair go, Denise’ is supposed to draw in her reader, as they are unsure of her stance. The comment that they have ‘always supported’ Walker’s ideas is supposed to build her credibility in the eyes of the audience, as she shows herself to be aligned with Walker. The fact that they ‘are already doing what [they] can’, with examples, is meant to further build her credibility and undermine Walker’s arguments about their ability to reduce the packaging. Her specific rebuff of various specifics Walker mentioned is supposed to increase doubt in her audience about the efficacy of Walker’s propositions. The rhetorical question ‘Have you any idea’ is also meant to cast doubt on Walker’s claims and distance Walker from the parents, implying that she does not know what it is like to be a parent. Louise further builds the sense of empathy with other parents and divide with Walker by highlighting the ‘mess little kids will make; with the soy sauce dispenser, implying that more of Walker’s schemes may also be untenable. Her mention of the ‘Parents and Friends’ is supposed to accentuate this, implying that Walker is willing to throw away anything to cement her vision. Her final reminder that ‘for a vague principle’ lives may become more difficult is supposed to leave her reader with increased doubt in Walker’s decision making.
(1146 words)
Thank you!! :D
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whys

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Heyo! Here's my feedback, and like you said I've been a bit more harsher with feedback. Disclaimer: I'm also in year 12.
Spoiler
Many people are becoming increasingly concerned about the future of this planet. (you would benefit from being more specific in your opening sentence regarding the issue) In her weekly Principal’s Message, Denise Walker, (don’t need a comma here, but I don't think it matters since they don't expect you to be perfect under time) of Spire Primary School, presents a new scheme to reduce plastic waste, arguing for the importance of the reduction of waste packaging within their school and striving to cause her (wonky phrasing, try replacing 'to cause her' with something like 'position' or 'manoeuvre' or a synonym of convince) audience of parents to play their part and help to reduce the use of non-reusable packaging in their homes. Her rather stilted, careful tone is used to try and cause (again, 'cause' doesn't work best here) her audience to agree with her viewpoint and encourage their children to do so. (this is a small thing, but is it really 'audience'? It's a piece of writing so technically the correct terminology would be referring to them as readers or the readership')

Walker’s message opens with a salutation to the ‘parents of Spire Primary School’. From the outset, she establishes to whom she is speaking in order to reinforce the feeling in the audience that it is a message to them. (good) Her argument centres around the idea of ‘superfluous packaging’. (you didn't analyse this quote, and if you did, you would have benefited from it!) Her initial use of imagined dialogue - ‘“Oh no!” I heard you say’ - is intended to build a sense of camaraderie with the audience, as if she understands them. (I feel like you stopped a bit abruptly with this analysis. You could have then gone on to say that this positions her as a compassionate individual who resists alienating her readership by appealing to their demographic, etc etc - can't really give more specific advice since I haven't read the piece you've written your essay on) Her immediate acknowledgement of the ‘new paths’ she takes the school down, and listing of her achievements, is supposed to build up the audience’s receptability (spelling) of her ‘idea’, which she has not explained yet. The belief that ‘we at Spire can do more’ fosters in her audience a sense of pride in the community, as well as interest and anxiousness to do ‘more’. (good) The next paragraph explains Walker’s ‘[increasing concern]’. Her use of emotive words and phrases such as ‘superfluous’, ‘clogging’ and ‘environmental damage’ is supposed to incite a sense of alarm in her audience, and show them the importance of the issue. (this is great! Although, I'm sad you didn't go into more detail about these words, e.g. their connotations, what they suggest, because there's a lot to unpack here!) As Walker lists off many different things that have such ‘superfluous packaging’, her audience is supposed to be shocked and feeling guilty because of their part in the matter. Walker’s choice to include, directly next to this paragraph, a picture of a large pile of garbage bags, further highlights her point. (yes!!! This is good integration of the image) The dull colours and dark sky also suggests to her audience a dulled future, in which such damage is ‘irreversible’, which she endeavours to use to put trepidation into the minds of her audience. ('put trepidation into the minds of her audience' is clunky, reword this, e.g. seeks to instil a sense of trepidation within her readers'. I think a point you missed here is how the audience are parents, and by saying damage is irreversible and the future will be adversely impacted, the writer is specifically wanting to make parents scared for the futures of their children, augmenting the fear the writer is instilling into the minds of her readers - this sort of analysis specific to the audience will probably get you some bonus marks and make your piece stand out! One thing I also noticed is the repeated use of 'supposed to', I think this could be improved to something a bit formal and something that flows a bit better with your writing)

Having thus done so, Walker uses an anecdote, both to show the mundane (obviously idk the article but this word seems a bit odd here, though I may be wrong since I haven't read the article) need for change and also to foster the fear she tried to build in the audience. Her use of the phrase ‘many, I am glad to say’, infuses a lightness into the early heavy tone, (good) as well as appealing directly to the parents of the children and thus trying to make them feel proud of what their children are already like. (good) Her use of words like ‘kept seeing’ highlights the recurring and concerning nature of the issue, seeking to worry the parents into action. The recurring words such as ‘little’, ‘few’ and ‘some’ further show the small details of the problem, while emphasising its eventual importance. Walker chooses small examples to show the insidiousness of the issue and alert the parents to their danger. While the objects are innocuously named - such as the ‘cute little plastic fish’ - the principal then delivers the shock factor with exclamation marks and accusations such as ‘mere rubbish!’, endeavouring to startle the parents into rethinking their behaviour. (good) Her immediate offer of alternatives, such as a ‘common flask’, is supposed to reinforce to her audience the reality of change and that it is not only necessary, but easily accessible. (good) The comment about the tomato sauce containers, which are ‘lethal’, is supposed to (hmm) reinforce her point about the danger of excessive packaging. This leads seamlessly into her next paragraph and also her final point.

Walker concludes with a classic call to action. Her innocent beginning ‘I am asking’ I (I think this is an error due to timing) supposed to make the parents feel that her points are valid and reasonable. The caveat that ‘in the case of the canteen’ she is ‘insisting’ further shows her perception of the importance of the matter, striving to impress on her audience the same feeling of importance. Her repetition of words like ‘unnecessary’ is intended to soothe the worried feelings of her audience in case they feel she is going too far. (could be worded better) The ‘multiplying little pods’ are another reminder of the insidiousness of such behaviour. Her description of the ‘old communal teapot’, juxtaposed with the ‘[doing] away with the pretty teabags’, is supposed to (again, this phrase) bring to mind old, solid, dependable community resources, as opposed to ‘pretty’, new, ethereal items that may be doing real harm. Her sudden direction to speaking directly to her audience in a sense of rhetorical questions (this phrasing is impeding on your clarity) is supposed to make them feel that they themselves have much to do. Her questions as to ‘why not’ are intended to make her audience think and consider changes in their home life. Walker’s rapid switch back to the school implies that she feels she cannot reasonably judge her audience, in a manner they are supposed to agree with. (I don't understand this sentence) Her admittance that it would be a ‘challenge’ that ‘must’ be confronted ‘for the sake of future generations’ is supposed to make any remaining dissenters feel ashamed and embarrassed of their reticence. (how? You are beginning to skip the HOW part of AA essays, you have gone straight from evidence to reader impact without telling me how the reader is made to feel this way, e.g. the high modality of the word 'must' and what 'future generations' implies - she is compounding upon her previous words that sought to build fear through the repetition of themes relating to the future) The bald statement that she ‘will be implementing’ a unit in each year to teach about sustainability is supposed to (this) show the importance she places on so doing. Her terse ending - ‘As usual, your comments are welcome’ - implies her feeling that the audience will all be convinced and willing to do what she is arguing, as well as reminding them of her professional stance. (what is her professional stance? More specificity required even if you've already mentioned what this is)

However, not everyone will agree with her, as the comment from parent ‘Louise’ shows. (I think this is unnecessarily drawn out - you can just say 'The comment from parent Louise opposes Walker's stance') Her colloquial statement ‘Fair go, Denise’ is supposed to (hm) draw in her reader, as they are unsure of her stance. (something you could have talked about it how 'fair go' is largely an Australian term. You won't here many others around the world saying 'fair go', and so the writer draws upon Australian language and culture, implying that Walker is not being reasonable or fair ----> you are missing this sort of analysis that would really bring your piece up) The comment that they have ‘always supported’ Walker’s ideas is supposed to build her credibility in the eyes of the audience, as she shows herself to be aligned with Walker. (good) The fact that they ‘are already doing what [they] can’, with examples, is meant to (this is informal) further build her credibility and undermine Walker’s arguments about their ability to reduce the packaging. Her specific rebuff of various specifics (quotes?) Walker mentioned is supposed to (again) increase doubt in her audience about the efficacy of Walker’s propositions. The rhetorical question ‘Have you any idea’ is also meant to (this is informal) cast doubt on Walker’s claims and distance Walker from the parents, implying that she does not know what it is like to be a parent. (good, can go a littleeee bit more deeper (e.g. denigrates Walker's credibility by depriving her of the ability to connect with and advice parents) Louise further builds the sense of empathy with other parents and divide with Walker by highlighting the ‘mess little kids will make; with the soy sauce dispenser, implying that more of Walker’s schemes may also be untenable. Her mention of the ‘Parents and Friends’ is supposed to accentuate this, implying that Walker is willing to throw away anything to cement her vision. Her final reminder that ‘for a vague principle’ lives may become more difficult is supposed to leave her reader with increased doubt in Walker’s decision making.

Overall it is a strong piece. Main 2 points of feedback:
- 'supposed to' <--- I recommend against this phrasing, and you've used it a large number of times in your essay. This is because it is informal, and you could use more specific phrasing (e.g. is the writer positioning the reader to feel a certain way? Perhaps luring them in? Or maybe encouraging them to vilify X?)
- Close analysis - there were opportunities for this however you often moved onto the next point. I think you could benefit from spending more time teasing out specific examples and focusing on fewer examples in each paragraph to really force yourself to get into the nitty-gritty analysis, which is what will truly make your piece stand out.

Hope this helped!
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2021-2025: BMedSci/MD @ Monash

The Cat In The Hat

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Very helpful, thank you! Gives me some ways to improve them next time I do it :D
VCE 20
HHD MM Revs (F/R) Eng T&T
ATAR 85
Uni 21-24: BNursing/BMidwifery @ Deakin
Y1T2:
HNM102
HNN122 (double)
HNN114
I hope I don't fail....
Listens to Amira Willighagen and Alma Deutscher and a little Marjolein Acke
~English - PM for P&P/creatives help~
Creative excerpts
Nur/Mid uni journal

For Narnia and for Aslan!

she/her

Basically inactive now. May change. Have a nice day.