Poet's Well-being Journal

[Poet]

Hey y’all,
Sorry for my previous rant. I was kind of mad. Still am? It’s infuriating to see people being disrespected because they work for a living. Or being abused. Because I'm very sensitive about that, and it's just not okay.

Anyway, I’m currently attempting to fill up my maths summary book, and it’s an absolute pain. I’m going through the Further SD along with my teacher’s notes and the Cambridge book, and copying things I believe might help me. However, my concentration hasn’t exactly been at an all-time high lately, and my motivation levels have dropped (again, no idea how it’s even possible to go lower than I was but there you go) the last few weeks/days. This is definitely to do with mental health, I guess. My brain is shutting down and I don’t really know what to do about it, or how to deal with it. I’ve got slight tremors in my hands, and whenever I try to use my fingers for something they start shaking even more, so I can’t do origami atm.
I don’t know if it’s the new meds or the nerves about the meds, but I’ve had slight nausea the past few days, and as stated earlier it’s made it hard to eat, which in turn makes me more tired. I’ve basically eaten just (a truckload of) almonds, a few carrot sticks and a bit of tzatziki the past couple of days, which are some of the only things I can stomach. I’ve been overly energetic, but also so tired at the same time all I want to do is lie in bed. My sleep cycle is so messed up I might be able to crash at about 2:30 AM, but then I’ll wake up at 5 and immediately start thinking about everything. I have had the urge to go for a run at 3 in the morning a lot lately, but I don’t exactly have that much of a death wish so I’ve refrained. I’m drained; luckily no nightmares the past couple weeks. But yeah, motivation is in a pretty awful place right now, and when I start thinking about the fact that I need an 80 ATAR I start panicking again.

Also been binging on my old pal Peter Draws again! He’s really, really good at calming you down, like… a 26 year-old Bob Ross, but 50000000000000 times more eccentric. His most recent video is an absolute gem. Just listen to what he’s saying and you’ll see what I mean:

Spoiler

Anyway, I’d better get back to maths. Bye, you fiendish ANers. I'm lying I'm going right back to Peter Draws lol

[Poet]

The lectures were great, thanks AN! You guys deserve all the free pizza you can eat. (Oh yeah thx RMIT for the pizza, good stuff)

I’ve been thinking a lot less lately, which is a good thing, because introspection can get bad when you hate yourself. The nausea’s been slowly dissipating, and I was able to eat some lamb the other night. My hands only shake for about an hour after I take my medication, then it’s all g. I’ve been sleeping better (as in falling asleep earlier – I still wake up at 3-5 every morning) even if my dreams are kind of messed up. The downside is that I’ve been extremely distractible, and thus finding work difficult. I managed to do my maths summary book, half of my P.E. work, my bio summaries and I’m almost done with legal studies, but I haven’t started on English. I still have another week of holidays though (‘private school privileges’, yeet) so I’ve got time to figure out how to juggle my mental health and workload going into term 3.
I haven’t been drawing much – not as much as I should. A lot of plans flying around in my head, half-finished sketches and crumpled paper in the recycling. I went to my psychologist on Wednesday, and she tells me to show her pictures of stuff I’m doing, so I snapped a couple shots of more recent art drafts and the pictures I drew of animals/my cat. She asked me what I do with them, and I said, ‘Give them away – I give them as gifts to people’. She looked me right in the eyes and said, ‘Nina (that's me). you do that because you see no value in your work, or feel that the value is in your altruism. But there is value here. Lots of it.’ So, long story short, I’ve got an art commission from my psych. Looks like I’m drawing her dog… Well.

But here's the dilemma I've found myself in: I want to make a living out of art. But if I'm uncomfortable actually taking money for it, how am I meant to do that? I'll go to the Monash Open Day and check it out, think this through and see if I can manage to work mentally towards my ultimate goal.

You know, they say that some of the most extreme people, either in kindness or hatred, are lonely. I know I’m lonely, but I’m also a mean person. Not the meanest, but I can be pretty awful. Why is it that I’m so scared to be accepted, even as I silently beg for acceptance? Huh.

Happy Poppy Love Song bc I Like Bemoaning my Eternal Singleness lol

The actual song that's been on repeat today

edit: Oh, and I changed the name of this thread to something easier to understand lol (no TV drama references here!)

[Calebark]

But here's the dilemma I've found myself in: I want to make a living out of art. But if I'm uncomfortable actually taking money for it, how am I meant to do that? I'll go to the Monash Open Day and check it out, think this through and see if I can manage to work mentally towards my ultimate goal.

I don't suppose the reason why you're uncomfortable accepting money is because it's always from family, friends, and your psych? Of course you'd want these people to accept your art without money -- it's just an added bonus to your relationship. Perhaps it'd be easier to accept money from somebody you have absolutely no personal relationship with, like the average customer

[Poet]

I don't suppose the reason why you're uncomfortable accepting money is because it's always from family, friends, and your psych? Of course you'd want these people to accept your art without money -- it's just an added bonus to your relationship. Perhaps it'd be easier to accept money from somebody you have absolutely no personal relationship with, like the average customer

Perhaps, I sure hope so - however, I would still be much more inclined to give things away if I like the customer, which probably isn't the best thing to do when you're trying to make money. Oh well. :-/
Hey AN, it’s been a little while.

First week back at school has been a little crazy. My anxiety played up on the first day so I felt really ill, and getting out of bed was probably the most difficult thing I’ve done in a couple of months. P.E. is rough, but rewarding - we did Fartlek training yesterday, look it up. Mathematics has finally begun the topic networks, which is the only one I fully understand and actually enjoy! Biology is on evolutionary theories and comparisons of DNA sequences, the former I understand - the latter is gibberish. English oral is coming up and I start shaking just thinking about it... and Legal Studies is absolutely fascinating. I love learning about the role of the Crown and the Australian Constitution. No idea why, but it's the only class I've been relaxed in this week. Hands are still shivery, heart still beats irregularly and I keep forgetting to breathe, but we're almost there.
Almost there.

It’s amazing, isn’t it? 94 days till the English exam. 117 until official graduation. That’s it. That’s everything I’ve ever seen as my future, rushing behind me. Time, disappearing like sand through spread fingers. Not wasted, surely. Just… gone. Past. A memory.
I’ve been thinking about everyone on AN already out of school, reading through everyone’s journals and chuckling as they reminisce about their time in senior year, and how surreal it was to realise, really truly begin to understand that you’re never coming back.

A couple of SACs in P.E. and Maths have been pushed back a week. That would be good news, however it’s because a girl’s mum died extremely suddenly. They turned off her life support a couple days ago after she had a sudden and devastating stroke. This really hit our cohort hard – this is one of the most wonderful families, a cornerstone of the community. The mum was almost a surrogate parent to quite a few students, and I personally am friends with the eldest brother, so this was an awful and cruel stroke of Fate.
We don’t know when the funeral will be, but it looks like we might be taking some time to support the family.

Why is it always the good people to be the ones to go? Why is it that the people we need the most are the ones to abandon us without warning? But no. They’re such childish questions, because it’s not true – we just feel it is. We miss the ‘good’ ones more, and so focus on our loss in them rather than those we never liked.

Isn’t that cruel? That we place value in lives simply because of our relationship with them? We prioritize our love.
But I guess that's human, and natural, to see importance in the known rather than the unknown.

Anyway, as said, it’s been a crazy week. And it’ll all keep getting crazier. Hopefully no more upcoming funerals, but work levels are through the roof again. I hope everyone else is doing okay and keeping their eyes on the finish line. We’re on the countdown. Let’s fight our way there and break that ribbon – not just for ourselves, but for those who need us to carry them a little bit of the way, too.

Love you all.

[Poet]

Imagine, if you will, the rainbow.
Think of something red.
Now think of something blue. Maybe green, purple, or yellow.

How do they make you feel? How do they make us all feel? Red is strength, strong emotion and aggression. Green is gentle and honest, calming. Blue is soothing and sad. But… how do you describe a colour? Without an example, it’s virtually impossible.

Have you ever thought about how others view the world? We all have an emotional lense, built of our biases and opinions, our cultures and the stories we’ve been told; but what if there was another difference in the mind, one we can’t measure?

Have you ever wondered if the colours we see are the same, or if I see your red for my blue? Society and our upbringing have given us words and connotations for the colours we see. How will we ever know if we see the same thing? If your red is my blue, there’s no way for anyone to know. We think we know, but we never have. And probably never will.

Now, think of this: do we see the world purely out of what we are given? Is any thought truly original? Do we all have a unique outlook, molded to fit into what “makes sense”? What’s the point of colour? What’s the point of fitting in, purely because we need to make sense in another person’s world?

What’s the point in aiming so high, and falling so low?
What’s the point in putting all of my value, all of my worth as a human being, in something that I’m not?
What’s the point in useless attempts to somehow fit into the mold my older sister created? That I embellished?
I’m my own person – I see the world another way. I see the colours, but they have different meaning to me than they do to her. I am not my sister. But I keep trying to be, because with that comes a sense of acceptance. I know it, and I still stumble on as if blind. Not blind to the colours, but blind to the truth of my situation. I’m confused and lost, and good academic standards will do nothing to help me, no matter how many times I convince myself otherwise.

It frustrates me. My fragility and my panic. I’m so weak, but I want to be strong.

[Yertle the Turtle]

Imagine, if you will, the rainbow.
Think of something red.
Now think of something blue. Maybe green, purple, or yellow.

How do they make you feel? How do they make us all feel? Red is strength, strong emotion and aggression. Green is gentle and honest, calming. Blue is soothing and sad. But… how do you describe a colour? Without an example, it’s virtually impossible.

Have you ever thought about how others view the world? We all have an emotional lense, built of our biases and opinions, our cultures and the stories we’ve been told; but what if there was another difference in the mind, one we can’t measure?

Have you ever wondered if the colours we see are the same, or if I see your red for my blue? Society and our upbringing have given us words and connotations for the colours we see. How will we ever know if we see the same thing? If your red is my blue, there’s no way for anyone to know. We think we know, but we never have. And probably never will.

Now, think of this: do we see the world purely out of what we are given? Is any thought truly original? Do we all have a unique outlook, molded to fit into what “makes sense”? What’s the point of colour? What’s the point of fitting in, purely because we need to make sense in another person’s world?

What’s the point in aiming so high, and falling so low?
What’s the point in putting all of my value, all of my worth as a human being, in something that I’m not?
What’s the point in useless attempts to somehow fit into the mold my older sister created? That I embellished?
I’m my own person – I see the world another way. I see the colours, but they have different meaning to me than they do to her. I am not my sister. But I keep trying to be, because with that comes a sense of acceptance. I know it, and I still stumble on as if blind. Not blind to the colours, but blind to the truth of my situation. I’m confused and lost, and good academic standards will do nothing to help me, no matter how many times I convince myself otherwise.

It frustrates me. My fragility and my panic. I’m so weak, but I want to be strong.

This post expresses so well lots of things that I've often wondered about the world. That idea that we may not see the same colours, we just have set in our mind a definition of "red", "yellow", etc, and since we all have that definition for a constant colour, we all agree on colours, I've wondered that so often. Since we all have different ideas of peaceful, etc. maybe we see different colours differently, the emotions we see in them make them appear differently to us. I've got no idea, but it makes me wonder why I try to fit in when really I am nothing like anyone else in the world, and if I just stand out I can be myself. Being yourself can be hard at times and easy at times, but I wonder if when we try to fit in by being someone different to who we are, we are actually just showing a facet of who we really are.

[Bri MT]

Colours are often used to embody diversity,  so the idea of having invisible diversity in our perception of that is beautiful.  Wouldn't it be remarkable,  if we all our perceptions have a twinge of difference, if we all contain worlds imperceptible to our peers?

Where you see weakness I see struggle, the persistent strength of endurance and the inner strength of abiding.  I see the strength of vulnerability, of opening the gates and taking what may come,  the trust and the pain both.

From each shaded facet you are a gem, a wonder that sees that world and endows it additional meaning

[Poet]

These next few weeks are HEKTIK AF so I've been panicking a bit (a lot); decided to write a poem to help me calm down, and it did help. Hopefully the imagery is clear haha. Explanation of each stanza is in the second spoiler.

Was gonna bump the poetry thread with this one, but I guess it's a bit dark. :-/

poem

Breath a short and sickly gasp
against the will
Of a panicked mind
Comfort a foreign ideal
In a land of struggles.

The knowledge of melodrama
And the shame of existence
Little doubts flood
An incoming tide
Of constant regret.

Can’t hold onto what was so easy
Ripped away from the safety of harbor
By fierce waves of emotion
Storms thunder overhead,
And terror engulfs my being.

Waking to the real world,
I stare at the wall
Rocking back and forth
To find solace in a world too still
For my raging mind.

Looking at you, the world stops tilting
Eyes as blue as the sea I drown in
Every night, my dreams bring me back
To the recurring blue
Of the window to your soul.

Breath shakes, but gentle sway
Calms an untold monster
Push away
Fly from here
I want to fall
Into these twin oceans.

Explanation

Breath a short and sickly gasp
against the will
Of a panicked mind
Comfort a foreign ideal
In a land of struggles.

^ this is the panic taking over, against the will of the person panicking. You know what's happening, but you can't stop it. And you don't know how to make it better. It just gets worse and worse until you can't even think.

The knowledge of melodrama
And the shame of existence
Little doubts flood
An incoming tide
Of constant regret.

^ You know exactly what's going on, that things aren't as bad as they seem, and you feel ashamed for not being able to control what's happening. You freeze and doubt yourself, and your brain brings up everything that you're doing wrong, everything that's your fault, which just panics you more.

Can’t hold onto what was so easy
Ripped away from the safety of harbor
By fierce waves of emotion
Storms thunder overhead,
And terror engulfs my being.

^ Now some of the most simple things become too hard, out of your control. Everything begins to spiral into insanity, and it's genuinely scary.

Waking to the real world,
I stare at the wall
Rocking back and forth
To find solace in a world too still
For my raging mind.

^ You're only imagining the panic; most of the time, there's nothing to show, externally anyway, the terror you've spiralled into. For me, I rock back and forth. My eyes don't focus, my hands shake, but I don't speak. I just sit there as if stunned as my mind runs too fast for my body to follow.

Looking at you, the world stops tilting
Eyes as blue as the sea I drown in
Every night, my dreams bring me back
To the recurring blue
Of the window to your soul.

^ Someone very dear to me has solid blue eyes, and they are where I retreat to when my inner world is in ruins.

Breath shakes, but gentle sway
Calms an untold monster
Push away
Fly from here
I want to fall
Into these twin oceans.

^ Sometimes the panic feels like something alive inside of you, and it's terrifying. You feel like you have to rip at your skin to get it out. A monster out of your control. But sometimes a single thing, like a person's presence, can calm this and suppress the panic. Their eyes offer protection, solace from the 'monster'.

[S200]

Looking at you, the world stops tilting
Eyes as blue as the sea I drown in
Every night, my dreams bring me back
To the recurring blue
Of the window to your soul.

^ Someone very dear to me has solid blue eyes, and they are where I retreat to when my inner world is in ruins.

Blue = AtarNotes?

Spoiler

[Poet]

Blue = AtarNotes?

Spoiler

Alas, this is not the blue I meant. However, AN is very dear to me, as are y’all. One day I’ll come up with a metaphorical poem called “The Ballad of AN” for you guys. But for now, I’m referring to literal eyes haha 😊
Short update: halfway through the week. Time flies when you’re stressed about due dates. Did my Bio writeup and my speech, both of which I’m satisfied with, and I know I did my absolute best. Only 5 more assessments this week, and that’s 5 less until the end. I’m still finding it ridiculously difficult to get up in the morning, but I’ve begun to feel… happier, I guess. Freer in myself. I actually made a joke in Bio today. Genuinely smiling. Negative thoughts are still there, but it’s not a constant screaming in my head like it was. It’s not consuming my life right now. I don’t feel a need to sabotage myself like I have so many times, and so even though this term has really tried to pull me down, I’m thriving on the competition. I’m excited for what’s to come. Hoping against hope that this is a long upswing, because it’s perfect for the level of performance needed right now. Still thinking, still working, still breathing. And for the first time in years, hearing my own laughter and not hating it.

So, yeah. Here’s to happiness, for both me and you. And who knows, maybe, against all odds, we will make it.

P.S. Never hesitate to tell someone you appreciate and love them. We don’t know when or if we’ll ever see or hear them again – that’s just the way life is. We take so much for granted, but out of everything, this should not be one of them. So, I love you guys, okay? You’re all appreciated. Take care, peeps.

[Mada438]

Alas, this is not the blue I meant. However, AN is very dear to me, as are y’all. One day I’ll come up with a metaphorical poem called “The Ballad of AN” for you guys. But for now, I’m referring to literal eyes haha 😊
Short update: halfway through the week. Time flies when you’re stressed about due dates. Did my Bio writeup and my speech, both of which I’m satisfied with, and I know I did my absolute best. Only 5 more assessments this week, and that’s 5 less until the end. I’m still finding it ridiculously difficult to get up in the morning, but I’ve begun to feel… happier, I guess. Freer in myself. I actually made a joke in Bio today. Genuinely smiling. Negative thoughts are still there, but it’s not a constant screaming in my head like it was. It’s not consuming my life right now. I don’t feel a need to sabotage myself like I have so many times, and so even though this term has really tried to pull me down, I’m thriving on the competition. I’m excited for what’s to come. Hoping against hope that this is a long upswing, because it’s perfect for the level of performance needed right now. Still thinking, still working, still breathing. And for the first time in years, hearing my own laughter and not hating it.

So, yeah. Here’s to happiness, for both me and you. And who knows, maybe, against all odds, we will make it.

P.S. Never hesitate to tell someone you appreciate and love them. We don’t know when or if we’ll ever see or hear them again – that’s just the way life is. We take so much for granted, but out of everything, this should not be one of them. So, I love you guys, okay? You’re all appreciated. Take care, peeps.

This is beautiful poet
Bless you <3

[Poet]

This is beautiful poet
Bless you <3

Thanks, Adam

Progression. Time waits for no man. Nobody.
Sometimes I wish I was Nobody, purely so that I could do things Somebody can’t.

Got through Hell Week, with the hiccups being maths (predictable) and P.E. (there goes my 40 RIP). I’m annoyed at myself, but I performed the best I could under pressure. This is a new view, one I couldn’t see at the beginning of the year. I feel like I’ve woken up from a nightmare, still shaking and afraid, but able to see the light of day and the warm heartbeats around me instead of the horrible, silent cold of isolation. I don’t know what to think just yet, but I want to be happy. I want be content where I am, and happy with the answers I have now. The people I have now. The love I have now.

On an academic note: Just signed up and put in my preferences to VTAC. They’re as follows:

1. 2800227451 - Arts/Visual Arts (F/T, P/T) (Monash University, Caulfield)(CSP Bachelor Degree)
2. 3800638991 - Fine Arts (Visual Art) (F/T) (University Of Melbourne (The), Southbank)(CSP Bachelor Degree)
3. 2800328661 - Secondary Education (Honours)/Visual Arts (F/T) (Monash University, Clayton)(CSP Bachelor Degree)
4. 2100321381 - Arts/Science (F/T, P/T) (La Trobe University, Melbourne)(CSP Bachelor Degree)
5. 2800328131 - Arts (F/T, P/T) (Monash University, Clayton)(CSP Bachelor Degree)
6. 2100321741 - Health Sciences (F/T, P/T) (La Trobe University, Melbourne)(CSP Bachelor Degree)

Never really considered teaching, but then I was talking to my P.E. teacher yesterday and he said he only took the course because he liked his health teacher, who suggested – you guessed it – teaching. So I looked at the course, considered what it meant and decided to apply. Even if that means takes the CASPer test haha. I’ll definitely be changing things around a bunch, but for now I’m satisfied with my first preference, at least.

I’ve been thinking a lot, but there’s so much to think about I can’t just choose one thing, so I’ll leave it there. Also, if anyone knows another ANer they can dob in for a birthday, I’m taking b’day commissions – just give me at least a week’s notice, their favourite animal, hobby or game and I’ll make something!
(I need ideas for projects, might as well make them special!)

Gotta get back to Bio study for the SAC Monday. Love you all so much. See you, fam. <3

[technodisney]

Also, if anyone knows another ANer they can dob in for a birthday, I’m taking b’day commissions – just give me at least a week’s notice, their favourite animal, hobby or game and I’ll make something!
(I need ideas for projects, might as well make them special!)

I know a guy who has his bday this Wednesday. 

[Poet]

I know a guy who has his bday this Wednesday. 

Good thing I know him, too

[Poet]

Hey, people. <3 Hope y’all don’t mind me rambling so often – it just helps a lot to get stuff off my chest. I feel like I might piss some people off because I’m constantly complaining, so I’m sorry about that. Just ignore me.

I’ve been reading through entries from a couple days ago and laughing bitterly at myself. They say, ‘there’s ups and downs, you’ll get through it’; it just sucks that the ups are so short. I went to a party on Sunday, and I was happy. Woke up the next morning with a huge headache, sure, but also a feeling of impending doom. I thought that was gone for at least a little while more, but it’s back after, what, less than a week of bliss? I hate this. I hate it so much. I’m furious at the chemicals in my brain, at the world around me, at myself for letting this happen. Again. For trying to forget.

This is another problem - I lose hope so quickly in myself. I know I do. But I can't seem to stop the illogical doubts. Errrgh.

Been really busy studying, but sometimes it’s just too hard to study. I still have enough control to force myself to at least draw, but I haven’t been eating well (the nausea’s come back) and my heart rate hasn’t fallen under 85 for the past two days at least. I just don’t understand. I feel so ignorant, so naïve and it’s my own body. Why don’t I feel like I have control? Why should I need to fight with myself? Why should anyone?
I just don’t understand… why.

But there I go, getting self-absorbed again. I really do care about you guys, okay? Like, all of you. You're awesome. Please don't ever doubt yourselves, because you're worth the belief that you can get through tough times. Especially when it feels like there's no-one else cheering for you. Because there will always be someone.