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March 29, 2024, 07:43:47 am

Author Topic: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)  (Read 600334 times)

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jamesey

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #15 on: June 21, 2015, 04:59:32 pm »
This is amazing. Thanks so much for the feedback, I've learnt a lot from just that and I'd definitely be rewriting it following those annotations. You are awesome man :)

brenden

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #16 on: June 21, 2015, 05:59:08 pm »
This is amazing. Thanks so much for the feedback, I've learnt a lot from just that and I'd definitely be rewriting it following those annotations. You are awesome man :)
I'm actually super stoked that you found it helpful! :) Keep working hard, you'll smash English Advanced!
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jamesey

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #17 on: June 24, 2015, 09:43:47 pm »
Hi again, this is my Mod C essay on "Art of Travel". My first body is on structure, 2nd on a chapter called "On anticipation" and the last body on chapter "On the City and Landscape". My teacher is very "techniques" oriented so you'll see I've spammed as much as I could. Looking forward to the feedback :)

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #18 on: June 29, 2015, 08:27:09 pm »
Hey James, went to do that essay, but discovered I just don't know enough about what Mod C essays are to give decent feedback.  If you post another non-Mod-C essay, I may be able to give it a go :)
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brenden

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #19 on: June 30, 2015, 07:26:18 pm »
Hi again, this is my Mod C essay on "Art of Travel". My first body is on structure, 2nd on a chapter called "On anticipation" and the last body on chapter "On the City and Landscape". My teacher is very "techniques" oriented so you'll see I've spammed as much as I could. Looking forward to the feedback :)
I totally forgot about this. I'll do it tomorrow! :)
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bahiahalwani

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #20 on: July 04, 2015, 12:46:52 pm »
I have an essay that needs editing. I didn't get the best of marks and I don't know how to better  the essay in order to improve my future mark.
Can you please help me with what needs fixing and how to fix it. Thank you in advance.
Module B: Critical Study of Texts
Speeches, Advanced English.

The enduring power of speeches rest in their ability to transcend contextual boundaries, which can be attributed to their extraordinary appeal to a universal audience through effective rhetoric and perennial values. Anwar Sadat’s ‘Speech to the Israeli Knesset’ and Noel Pearson’s ‘An Australian History for us all’ explores underlying concepts of the human experience enduring its integrity across different contexts. The perennial value of the speeches are attributed to the underlying momentous theme and value of peace, unity and justice that will continue to resonate with audience of any context. The paradigms and spirit in these texts transcend time and retain value to contemporary audiences.

Noel Pearson’s speech ‘An Australian history for us all’ explores the underlying atrocities of Australia’s past and critiques those who discredit the injustices towards Indigenous Australians. Pearson’s success and timeless nature stems from the textual integrity and effective manipulation of rhetoric to integrate purpose and value appropriate to the responder. Noel adopts a formal and analytical tone as he exemplifies the notion of guilt from historical injustices that transcend contextual boundaries. Noel’s deliberate use of inclusive lexicon “we, us, all, Australians” encourages an open, harmonious and hopeful vision of collective reconciliation which transcends time and is culturally appropriate for all contexts. The composers personal jargon “I, my, myself” engages the audience and captures the passion and importance of reconciliation between Aborigines and Australians.

Pearson argues for appreciation of the complexities of the past and an acknowledgement rather than appealing to a feeling of guilt, thus his purpose resides. Academic evidence from contemporary, respected figures including politicians, professors and historians are employed to support Pearson’s arguments and convey its importance behind his personal and calm tone. Pearson appeals to the responder’s pathos through the use of rhetorical question, “has the so called black armband view of history been about apportioning guilt?” The colloquial term “black armband view of history” allows Pearson to connect with his audiences.

Noel further emphasises the significance of an injustice to discredit and neglect responsibility for historical atrocities as he argues through emotive language that Australians should collectively take responsibility for the “present, future and past”. He also discusses how “guilt is not a useful emotion” and thus highlights the need for humanity to take responsibility for their actions rather than embodying guilt by appealing to our pathos. The anaphora of “our nation” further underlines the responsibility for all Australians collectively to accept the past and accept responsibility; thus appealing to responders on a humanitarian level. Through effective rhetoric, Pearson’s significance stems in the noticeable specified goals of peace, unity and justice. Pearon’s decorum is very much sarcastic as he allows for colloquialism when he explicitly mentions the controversial topic of the past injustices “Australia’s colonial history is a what the Americans would call a hot button issue.” The extended metaphor “hot button” has been used to highlight his ironic tone as he invites audiences to sympathise with him against their critic. While Pearson’s speech offers textual integrity, its purpose becomes universal as audiences of any context resonate with the rhetoric and perennial values.

Like Pearson, Sadat’s ‘Speech to the Israeli Knesset’ is an excerpt that exemplifies the values of peace, unity and justice after inevitable conflict in the human condition. These principles are stemmed from the Arab-Israeli conflict, however, Sadat strategically draws on the wider international appeal to retain universal value and transcend contextual boundaries. The composer controversially contends for “the establishment of peace” and reconciliation during tense times in an apprehensive macrocosm as he insists for social and political change. The exordium of Sadat’s speech produces a peaceful and devout tone as the composer alludes and worships god in the reference “In the name of God, the Gracious and Merciful.” The allusion to Abrahamic religions continues throughout the speech as Sadat unites devout audiences through the inclusive language “We all, Muslims, Christians, Jews…” compounded by the religious reassurance “God willing” highlighting that religion is a relative factor to universal audiences that endures value and transcends time. Sadat’s purpose is made clear when he explicitly addresses the “impetus to all international efforts exerted for peace” which presents him as a world leader aspiring to establish reconciliation and unity through collective justice. The further use of anaphora through the repetition of “peace” emphasises the importance of its nature and value to Sadat.

This speech appeals to common values of peace, unity and justice utilised in a sequence of adjectival clauses in order to build a climax; which is perceived in the principle phrase “let us be frank.” It is through Sadat’s first person narration that we are able to connect and allude to his purpose and language. Sadat combines inclusive pronouns “us all” to emphasise the importance of peace through unity. Throughout the kairos of his speech he uses the cliché phrase “ladies and gentlemen” to impose that he is a dignified diplomat. As the speech concludes, Sadat illustrates images through the accumulation of vivid inclusive pronouns that have cruel connotations to condemn the atrocities of injustices of the past including “bloodshed, death, wailing of victims.” Like Noel, Sadat encourages social and political change through his rhetorical questioning “why don’t we stand together?” persuading audiences to challenge against oppression for peace and unity. The rhetoric question leaves a lasting impression on the responder and thus creates a consensus where “the bells of peace ring.” Thus, Sadat exemplifies the enduring values of peace, unity and justice that is relevant to universal audiences and the human experience.

Through critical analysis of Anwar Sadat’s “Speech to the Israeli Knesset” and Noel Pearson’s “An Australian History for Us All” we are able to explore the value of rhetoric in articulating paradigms. Their focus on human aspirations of reconciliation and peace continue to resonate in modern audiences, with their underlying compassion contributing to a universal understanding for human bonding. Despite different interpretations of the text influenced by contextual circumstances, these humanistic beliefs continue to transcend contextual boundaries.

heids

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #21 on: July 06, 2015, 05:03:19 pm »
Bahiahalwani, what's the topic?  I'll give you feedback if you give me the topic :D because remember that the most important thing with an essay is its relevance and how it addresses the topic!
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heids

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #22 on: July 07, 2015, 09:11:31 am »
Hi there!  Welcome and hope you get lots out of this site :)

Someone else might, but I'm not giving feedback on a generic topic-less essay, sorry.

Think about it this way.  Examiners want to give you marks based on the skills you show that you have, right?  But if you churn out a beautiful but not relevant piece that you memorised, maybe you’ve just paid a tutor to write that for you.  They have no proof that you have any writing skills at all, maybe just that you’re rich!

So.  My very firm opinion: examiners will give you better marks for a mediocre writing piece that’s relevant and really addresses the topic, than a brilliantly written piece of irrelevant twaddle.  The topic is the be-all and end-all.  And you can’t trick ‘em, their x-ray glasses see immediately when you try to cram in irrelevant stuff, about what you want the topic to be, not what it is.

Sure, you want a wide range of pre-prepared ideas and nice phrases that could work – so you can then select the relevant ones.  But if in the exam you hit a hideous topic and none of your ideas quite fit, throw them out the window and start fresh and relevant.  It won’t be as impressive, but it’ll score better.  It shows that YOU actually have abilities in thinking about the prompt and coming up with your own stuff on the spot, which is what they want to see and will reward you for.  And, if you don't have a topic, what are you actually writing about anyway?  You don't have anything to say or any issue to address!

Moral of this long spiel: practise essays WITH a topic; it’s okay to write a generic essay, but more important is practising brainstorming individual topics and selecting relevant ideas.  Throw me an essay on a specific topic (that'll give you some practice adapting) and I'll throw you feedback, okay?

P.S. Sure, many people memorise AND pull it off.  But that's only through practising twisting your ideas to make them relevant, which is what I'm trying to get you to do.  Hopefully I haven't confused you further :-\
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heids

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #23 on: July 07, 2015, 05:07:31 pm »
Hi! Can someone please help me out and have a read over my AOS essay? Thank you :)

Errmmm, you do realise I'd copied your previous essay that you posted and deleted down into a word document ready to mark...? and while I didn't do HSC I realise an invented 'generic' essay topic when I see it.

I'm not trying to withhold feedback or attack you; I'm just saying that feedback on a generic essay isn't going to be nearly as helpful as if you've written a proper essay to a proper topic!  That's what's going to get you the marks, your ability to address a specific question.  The best advice I can give you is to practice with specific essay questions, since relevance is one of the biggest things examiners are looking for.  Seriously.  When you do that, I'll mark it.
« Last Edit: July 07, 2015, 05:11:23 pm by bangali_lok »
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zaynabb

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #24 on: July 07, 2015, 06:16:51 pm »
Errmmm, you do realise I'd copied your previous essay that you posted and deleted down into a word document ready to mark...? and while I didn't do HSC I realise an invented 'generic' essay topic when I see it.

I'm not trying to withhold feedback or attack you; I'm just saying that feedback on a generic essay isn't going to be nearly as helpful as if you've written a proper essay to a proper topic!  That's what's going to get you the marks, your ability to address a specific question.  The best advice I can give you is to practice with specific essay questions, since relevance is one of the biggest things examiners are looking for.  Seriously.  When you do that, I'll mark it.

Okay, thanks anyways! :)
Sorry for the hassle!

zaynabb

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #25 on: July 07, 2015, 09:36:24 pm »
Okay, super sorry for being heaps annoying but hey, trials are just around the corner. Here is an essay written against a question assigned by my teacher, if anyone is willing to provide any feedback. PS it has no conclusion as of yet :)

Mod C
Prescribed text: Selected poems by Judith Wright

How does the textual forms and features of your prescribed text and at least one other related material shape your understanding of People and Landscapes?

The landscape can have a powerful impact on individuals moving them both physically and spiritually. As an environmentalist and social activist, Judith Wright believed poets should be concerned with national and social problems. Her evocative connections with the landscape reflect in her poetry, forcing revaluation of humanity’s relationship with nature. Through the dramatic use of language forms and features, Wright establishes the necessity of restabilising the human condition to evoke an opportunity for reconciliation. Tim Winton’s ‘Aquifer’ uses a metaphysical journey through the blurring of landscapes to awaken consciousness and encourage self-reflection. It is through the development of language techniques that both texts critique the importance of maintaining a transcendent connection with nature as a trigger for enlightenment.

Connections with the landscape can encourage reflection and revaluation of past injustices. Flame Tree in a Quarry explores the tenuous technological impact of man on nature that can create tension, highlighting the fragility of nature. The title creates a visual image of the lone ‘flame tree’ in a barren landscape ‘the Quarry’ triggering a metaphor about the powerful forces of nature and its    fecundity following great destruction. The poet seeks personal reconciliation with the harshness of the land, stemming from her interests in environmentalism and social issues. Through the emotive description of the ‘dead’ landscape, Wright implies a body/soul connection with nature. Wright uses alliteration to personify the Quarry as a ‘broken bone’ that has been ‘stripped’, the vitriolic tone condemning the destruction of nature. Stemming from her own interests in environmentalism and indigenous land rights, the poet seeks personal reconciliation with the harshness of the land and those in it. Wright uses the simile ‘like a wrecked skull’ to reveal the impact of man’s destruction of nature. . The alliterative active imagery ‘bush of blood’ that non-literally ‘leaps out’ represents the forces of natural renewal and regrowth, becoming a symbol of injury but also healing and the potential for renewal. The poem highlights recoiling of nature because of man’s interruptions. The personification of the Quarry ‘out of the torn earth’s mouth’ signals the pain felt for the environmental destruction. As the poet empathises, she forces the reader to reconnect and reflect on the fragility of nature’s potential.

The developing relationship with the landscape can trigger concerns about the environment and man’s impact on this. Wright creates beautiful Australian symbolism transforming her land into an emotionally accepted background. In employing biblical imagery, Wright demonstrates how nature’s voice is ‘made flesh’ though ‘the singer dies’ referencing the wrecked landscape that forms the body through which the voice of the metaphoric flame tree comes. The poet uses Christian imagery ’the world’s delight/the world’s desire’ to draw on the parable of Christ’s birth as a visual representation on earth as an invisible God, the repeated words of praise becoming a religious experience. Through the synaesthesia of ’I drink/ my sight’, Wright highlights transcendence, devouring visually in a religious experience of nature and its power to transform individuals. Wright predicts the free reign given to miners resulting in violent destruction of the land. The use of the female voice of nature ‘filled with fire’ metaphorically connotes the spiritual potential rebirth of nature.  The cyclic imagery of the ‘fountain of hot joy’ becomes a metaphor to reveal the escaping blood from damaged vessels, enabling a clean reawakening of nature after great technological damages. The oxymoronic paradox of ‘life/death’ attempts reconciliation with nature to encapsulate the fertility of the land, as life comes from death. Wright implies that nature has power and it is up to man how he chooses to harness it.

The landscape can be a barrier for physical and emotional development, having a regenerative power to evoke reverence. Epiphanic visions of the poem and the neoromantic overtones of dualism ’consciousness/senses’ enable the poet to reflect on man’s insignificance in the overwhelming beauty of nature. Through visions and dreams, the poet is able to experience the wonder of the landscape, transcending into the impressive imaginative realm. The external forces of nature conflates with the internal forces of the ‘train’, becoming a vehicle for the persona’s metaphysical journey.  The poem begins with a position of entrapment as the poet is ‘Glassed with cold’, the immediate divorcement from nature becoming a springboard for the metaphysical ‘journey’. Wright uses kinaesthetic, auditory and visual imagery ‘confused/ dazzled/hammering’ to create a semi-synesthetic effect by blending the senses as the poet awakens. The conflation of tactile imagery raises inner consciousness. First person ‘I’ reiterates the disengagement from nature through a subjective voice. Much of the lyrical intensity of the verse derives from the immediate local reference of setting. The controlled rhythm form mimics the ‘hammering’ rhythm of the train, creating an unusual formal stiffness against the metaphoric and passionate subject. The half-rhyme ‘air/star’ connects all aspects of nature to create a holistic vision of spiralled growth. Through this, Wright reinforces the meditative powers of nature and its ability to transform the human condition.

Nature can inspire creativity, its life force mirrored by the composers craft in the power of creation. In encapsulating haunting images of the landscape, the poet utilises a gothic trope for revaluation of self and society within the fragility of place. The ‘dry breast’ of the landscape is metaphorically connected to the persona’s ‘heart’, alluding to the lack of nourishment to acknowledge the fragile ‘country that built my heart’. Through descriptive language of the ‘uncoloured slope’, Wright affirms the crepuscular moonlight draining the colour from the landscape, only to be filled through the poetry. Nature is represented as a violent force and Wright is unsentimental. The image of the phallic ‘ironbark’ tree penetrating the ‘virgin rock’ is unabashed in its sexual reference. Wright’s strength of voice mirrors the call on nature to use its violence for survival in the harsh landscape. The paradox ‘unloving come to life’ becomes a connection of the elemental and impersonal forces of nature that enable the tree to give birth to itself. Wrights invocations is emulated in the rhyming couplet ‘dew/you’ as she admires nature’s strength in Australia’s harsh and unyielding landscape. The persona ‘woke’ to ‘flowers more lovely than the white moon’, the simile representing awe of her new insight into nature that is able to sustain and survive on this barren landscape.

Tim Winton’s intense connections with the Western Australian landscape creates stories with an evocative representation of people and places that are quintessentially Australian. His short story, Aquifer, blurs landscape to critique the past and present melding the future. The title symbolises the Australian landscape as being only superficially dry, the integration of the dead creates more to the landscape, both human and physical, than evident on the surface. Using a retrospective tone, the story signals the moving in of the landscape as the persona ‘travels away in loops and ellipses away from the middle age’ to the suburb of his childhood, Angelus. The symbolic use of the name foreshadows a rebirth for the persona as the pieces of his childhood are put back into place. Opening with tactile imagery ‘stirred’, Winton immediately positions the reader to engage with the persona. The duality of the persona and reader embarking on the metaphysical journey becomes a springboard for reflection on how childhood landscapes shape adulthood.
Through manipulating figurative language, Winton provokes feelings and thoughts on people and landscapes. Utilising the post-colonial lens, Winton furthers the lack of connections and displacement between the settlers and the landscape as they attempt to ‘plant buffalo grass’. The recurring motif of ‘blood and bone’ strengthens Winton’s concerns to bring forth the unconscious connections with the landscape. The active imagery of the settlers ‘running havoc’ forces revaluation of notions of imperialism and the desire to control the landscape. Winton evocatively conveys through  kinaesthetic imagery how the children ‘slipped together, no straight lines’, the ordered lines of the suburbia juxtaposed with the ’twisted logs’ alluding to the life force of the landscape as an embedding force of danger and transformation. Winton’s final image of ‘the past is in us not behind us’ highlights the injustices wrought on the landscape and its inhabitants. Like Judith, Winton encourages his reader to be in awe of the power of nature as a renewing force.



heids

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #26 on: July 08, 2015, 01:37:42 pm »
That’s fine, and you’re not annoying!  I just felt that a generic essay isn’t the most helpful thing you could be doing. Unless Brenden does it first, in which case you'll have faaarrrr better feedback, I'll mark this when I get time (despite the quite generic topic), but it could be a day or two as I'm busy.  Sorry :)
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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #27 on: July 10, 2015, 05:02:34 pm »
Well, here goes!

First want to say that your language usage is truly beautiful throughout, you've hit that balance between sounding like a grade 2 vocab and sounding like you're trying to cram in 'big words' where they don't fit.  I FULL-ON LOVE IT!  Also, you seem to have a real feel for poetry - your analysis of the rhythm, metaphors and 'feel' behind the words is at times utterly impressive.  Excellent.  In these areas, your essay is just so band-six!

But hope you cope with someone slamming you throughout, I'm the sort that just always sees the holes!  Let me know if this doesn't make sense, I'm not the most brilliant at clear logical feedback ::)



The landscape can have a powerful impact on individuals moving them both physically and spiritually. As an environmentalist and social activist, Judith Wright believed poets should be concerned with national and social problems. Her evocative connections with the landscape reflect in her poetry, forcing revaluation of humanity’s relationship with nature. Through the dramatic use of language forms and features, Wright establishes the necessity of restabilising the human condition to evoke an opportunity for reconciliation what exactly do you mean by 'restabilise the human condition'?  I'm not a fan of vague but impressive-sounding sentences; always, before you write a sentence, think 'exactly what does this mean, in plain basic English?'  +, 'evoke opportunity'=not quite the right word. Use a linking wordTim Winton’s ‘Aquifer’ uses a metaphysical journey through the blurring of landscapes to awaken consciousness and encourage self-reflection. It is through the development of language techniques that both texts critique the importance of maintaining a transcendent connection with nature as a trigger for enlightenment.  Can’t say much on the intro lol, seems really great to me.  I’d just strengthen the links/contrast between the two texts.

Connections with the landscape can encourage reflection and revaluation of past injustices. Flame Tree in a Quarry explores the tenuous technological impact of man on nature that can create tension, highlighting the fragility of nature. The title creates a visual image of the lone ‘flame tree’ in a barren landscape ‘the Quarry’ triggering a metaphor how do you ‘trigger’ a metaphor?  Wrong word.  Rephrase: The title’s vivid image of the lone ‘flame tree’ in a barren landscape, ‘the Quarry’, metaphorically highlights nature’s fecundity following great destruction.  Tip: turning a technique (e.g. metaphor) into an adverb, like ‘metaphorically [highlights/reveals/stresses/depicts]’ can make your writing smoother and nicer to read.  If you refer directly to too many techniques, and your paragraph becomes a constant repetition of ‘the author uses this technique “here” which shows…’, it gets a bit choppy, repetitious and boring.  ‘Hiding’ your techniques a bit in adverbs helps with flow and interest. about the powerful forces of nature and its fecundity following great destruction. The poet seeks personal reconciliation with the harshness of the land how do you reconcile with harshness? Cool idea, but could be expressed a bit more clearly., stemming from her interests in environmentalism and social issues. Through the emotive description of the ‘dead’ landscape, Wright implies a body/soul connection with nature. Wright uses alliteration to personify the Quarry as a ‘broken bone’ that has been ‘stripped’, the vitriolic tone condemning the destruction of nature. Avoid stating that someone uses a technique, e.g. alliteration, without explaining why they use that, the impact, how it contributes to the overall messages, how it contributes to your paragraph’s argument.  Putting in a technique for the sake of it can look like you’re just trying to impress the examiner with your metalanguage – but unless you analyse that technique, you might as well not even mention it!  The whole point is the analysis.  So as a rule of thumb, never mention a technique or quote without then going on to analyse exactly the impact of it.  Stemming from her own interests in environmentalism and indigenous land rights, the poet seeks personal reconciliation with the harshness of the land and those in it I highlighted it red to show that you’ve already said this whole sentence before – there are a couple of problems with that: a) repetition is just a bit irritating/annoying; b) it sounds like you don’t have anything else to say, so you just repeat to pad out a paragraph; and c) it takes away a sense of development or building in the paragraph.  Try to avoid repeating ideas, and if you do repeat, at least come up with a different way of structuring/phrasing the idea.. Wright uses the simile ‘like a wrecked skull’ to reveal the impact of man’s destruction of nature Here’s where you could take it to a higher level – like, I get that of course that simile reveals the impact of man’s destruction!  BUT, I want you to explain it to me.  Think of me like a 5-year-old kid – I want you to fill in every possible gap, step me through it like I’m not all there.  Explain exactly what the simile does – how does the ‘wrecked skull’ make me feel?  What is it about the choice of those particular words that really highlights man’s destruction of nature?  I mean, what you’ve got is good, but ANYONE could write that, and you don’t want to be just ‘anyone’.  You want to stand out by filling in the gaps and explaining exactly how the technique causes that overall effect. The alliterative active imagery ‘bush of blood’ that non-literally ‘leaps out’ represents the forces of natural renewal and regrowth, becoming a symbol of injury but also healing and the potential for renewal. The poem highlights recoiling of nature because of man’s interruptions. The personification of the Quarry ‘out of the torn earth’s mouth’ signals the pain felt for the environmental destruction. Again, here’s an opportunity to break out of the ‘the author uses this technique “here” which shows…’ structure, for some variety and to break up the check-listy feeling.  Instead of ‘the personification of’, a noun technique, try a verb: ‘Personifying the Quarry as…’ or ‘By personifying the Quarry as…’  You’re still including a technique, but a bit more subtly and ‘nicely’. As the poet empathises, she forces the reader to reconnect and reflect on the fragility of nature’s potential.
I highlighted two sentences blue, because I couldn’t quite see how they fitted into the rest of the paragraph.  You’re discussing throughout how Wright really highlights man’s destruction of nature, and the fragility of nature – and then at a couple of random places you mention how Wright shows the land’s regrowth/fruitfulness, which actually contradicts the rest of what you’re saying a bit.  What you’ve said is GOOD and insightful, but it doesn’t fit in.  It fits more in the next para, actually.


The developing relationship what do you mean here? Whose developing relationship?  Remember I’m a dumb idiot and don’t get what you’re sayin’ unless you explain carefully! with the landscape can trigger concerns about the environment and man’s impact on this. Wright creates beautiful Australian symbolism transforming her land into an emotionally accepted background. In employing biblical imagery, Wright demonstrates how nature’s voice is ‘made flesh’ though ‘the singer dies’ referencing the wrecked landscape that forms the body through which the voice of the metaphoric flame tree comes. The poet uses Christian imagery ’the world’s delight/the world’s desire’ to draw on the parable of Christ’s birth as a visual representation on earth as an invisible God, the repeated words of praise becoming a religious experience.  Draw further how this impacts the audience and makes them feel about the landscape, or what it presents about the landscape. Through the synaesthesia of ’I drink/ my sight’, Wright highlights transcendence, devouring visually in a religious experience unclear – sounds like you have a really great idea/feel there, but it just hasn’t translated very clearly onto paper of nature and its power to transform individuals. Wright predicts the free reign given to miners resulting in violent destruction of the land. So, how does this link with the sentences around it? The use of the female voice of nature ‘filled with fire’ metaphorically connotes good! ‘metaphorically connotes’ = brilliant the spiritual potential rebirth of nature.  The cyclic imagery of the ‘fountain of hot joy’ becomes a metaphor to reveal the escaping blood from damaged vessels, enabling a clean reawakening of nature after great technological damages Me no understand.  What has escaping blood from damaged vessels got to do with reawakening/rebirth?  You need to step me through it, explaining exactly how the metaphor conveys that message!. The oxymoronic paradox of ‘life/death’ attempts reconciliation with nature to encapsulate the fertility of the land, as life comes from death. Wright implies that nature has power and it is up to man how he chooses to harness it.

The landscape can be a barrier for physical and emotional development, having a regenerative power to evoke reverence. I can’t 100% see what the first half of that sentence has to do with the last half – it feels like two totally different ideas crammed together, while the paragraph should have one single focus or purpose. Epiphanic visions of the poem and the neoromantic overtones of dualism ’consciousness/senses’ enable the poet to reflect on man’s insignificance in the overwhelming beauty of nature. Boy oh boy, do you write nicely.  Love it bruh. Through visions and dreams, the poet is able to experience the wonder of the landscape, transcending into the impressive imaginative realm. The external forces of nature conflates with the internal forces of the ‘train’, becoming a vehicle for the persona’s metaphysical journey.  The poem which poem, btw? label exactly what you’re talking about begins with a position of entrapment as the poet is ‘Glassed with cold’, the immediate divorcement from nature becoming a springboard for the metaphysical ‘journey’. Wright uses kinaesthetic, auditory and visual imagery ‘confused/ dazzled/hammering’ to create a semi-synesthetic effect by blending the senses as the poet awakens. The conflation of tactile imagery raises inner consciousness. First person ‘I’ reiterates the disengagement from nature through a subjective voice. Much of the lyrical intensity of the verse derives from the immediate local reference of setting. Three short chop-chop sentences; all of them could do with a bit more explanation, and linking together. The controlled rhythm form mimics the ‘hammering’ rhythm of the train, creating an unusual formal stiffness against the metaphoric and passionate subject. The half-rhyme ‘air/star’ connects all aspects of nature to create a holistic vision of spiralled growth This was what I meant by not naming techniques for the sake of naming techniques; sure, it’s a half-rhyme, but if you can’t draw any message out of that, then DON’T mention it.. Through this, Wright reinforces the meditative powers of nature and its ability to transform the human condition.
I’m a bit concerned that you’re just taking a poem and chronologically analysing its language/techniques, without thinking all the time about the THEMES and messages, the bigger picture.

Nature can inspire creativity, its life force mirrored by the composers craft in the power of creation. In encapsulating haunting images of the landscape, the poet utilises a gothic trope for revaluation of self and society within the fragility of place. The ‘dry breast’ of the landscape is metaphorically connected to the persona’s ‘heart’, alluding to the lack of nourishment to acknowledge the fragile ‘country that built my heart’. Through descriptive language of the ‘uncoloured slope’, Wright affirms the crepuscular moonlight draining the colour from the landscape, only to be filled through the poetry. Nature is represented as a violent force and Wright is unsentimental. The image of the phallic ‘ironbark’ tree penetrating the ‘virgin rock’ is unabashed in its sexual reference. Sure, but what does that do?  Your aim is to never leave the reader wondering, why did you just say that piece of evidence?  With EVERY SINGLE THING you put in, explain why you included it, and what it shows about your overall paragraph idea or contention.  Wright’s strength of voice mirrors the call on nature to use its violence for survival in the harsh landscape. The paradox ‘unloving come to life’ becomes a connection of the elemental and impersonal forces of nature that enable the tree to give birth to itself. Wrights invocations is emulated in the rhyming couplet ‘dew/you’ as she admires nature’s strength in Australia’s harsh and unyielding landscape. The persona ‘woke’ to ‘flowers more lovely than the white moon’, the simile representing awe of her new insight into nature that is able to sustain and survive on this barren landscape. Time to zoom out now; you’ve now got to tie together all of the techniques you’ve mentioned, and draw out the overall, broader message

Tim Winton’s intense connections with the Western Australian landscape creates stories with an evocative representation of people and places that are quintessentially Australian. OK.  You really need to change something here.  Firstly, you’ve put your related text in a separate paragraph rather than integrating them, but secondly you haven’t even used linking words!  The essay is like   You seriously seriously seriously NEED to link the two texts, and compare how they present people and landscapes – you’ve got to dig into how they use different techniques to present different messages and directly contrast them.  Your mark will be severely limited if you just stick two separate short essays together like this.  His short story, Aquifer, blurs landscape to critique the past and present melding the future. The title symbolises the Australian landscape as being only superficially dry, the integration of the dead creates more to the landscape, both human and physical, than evident on the surface. <-- run-on sentence Using a retrospective tone, the story signals the moving in of the landscape as the persona ‘travels away in loops and ellipses away from the middle age’ to the suburb of his childhood, Angelus. The symbolic use of the name foreshadows a rebirth for the persona as the pieces of his childhood are put back into place. Opening with tactile imagery ‘stirred’, Winton immediately positions the reader to engage with the persona again, need you to explain; how does that imagery actually position the reader to engage?  In your head, I’m sure you’ve thought through the ways that that imagery works; but IF YOU DON’T PUT IT DOWN ON PAPER, you leave a gap and start to sound like you’re jumping to tenuous, unsupportable conclusions!  Think of it like the working marks in maths – often, even if you get totally the right answer and did it all the right way, if you don’t write it out, you won’t even get half marks. The duality of the persona and reader embarking on the metaphysical journey becomes a springboard for reflection on how childhood landscapes shape adulthood.
Through manipulating figurative language, Winton provokes feelings and thoughts on people and landscapes. Steer clear of broad vague fluffy sentences like this, anyone could say them and they don’t provide any new insights.  Try ‘Winston’s figurative language…’ and dive straight into the specific themes/messages, rather than vaguely referencing the entire topic. Utilising the post-colonial lens, Winton furthers the lack of connections and displacement between the settlers and the landscape as they attempt to ‘plant buffalo grass’. The recurring motif of ‘blood and bone’ strengthens Winton’s concerns to bring forth the unconscious connections with the landscape. The active imagery of the settlers ‘running havoc’ forces revaluation of notions of imperialism and the desire to control the landscape. Winton evocatively conveys through  kinaesthetic imagery how the children ‘slipped together, no straight lines’, the ordered lines of the suburbia juxtaposed with the ’twisted logs’ alluding to the life force of the landscape as an embedding force of danger and transformation. Winton’s final image of ‘the past is in us not behind us’ highlights the injustices wrought on the landscape and its inhabitants. Like Judith, Winton encourages his reader to be in awe of the power of nature as a renewing force.  Yay.  Finally, for the first time in the whole essay, you’re comparing them.  But one sentence isn’t enough!!! Give me more!





Try interweaving the two texts throughout your paragraphs, rather than having the related text in a separate paragraph.  This is really really important.  You want to be directly showing the contrasts and similarities between their techniques, forms and messages.

Quotes
You could practice integrating quotes more smoothly.  You quite often do this: ‘… blah blah technique QUOTE…’, i.e. just dumping the quote immediately after the technique without weaving it into the grammar of your sentence.
e.g. ‘Opening with tactile imagery ‘stirred’,…’
‘…the neoromantic overtones of dualism ‘consciousness/senses’ enable the poet to…’
If you read it out loud, you’ll see that the quote just doesn’t fit in there.
At the very least, you need commas: ‘opening with tactile imagery, ‘stirred’,…’  but even that is a bit of a dodge or ‘fake’ way of getting the quote to fit in the sentence.  Try ‘Opening with tactile imagery IN THE WORD ‘stirred’…’, or rearrange the sentence completely.

Next: you want to avoid becoming a list of techniques.  Techniques are really important, but if you just start listing them off, dedicating 1-2 sentences to each, it can really get in the way of paragraph development.  You can end up with a fragmented checklist of ‘this does this, this does this, and this does this’, and forget to zoom out to the overall message of your paragraph.  Often, your list of techniques don’t build off each other, because either they just repeat exactly the same point, or they have quite different points that don’t work together very well.  Don’t see techniques as the end-point, but as the MEANS to the end – they’re your fodder which you use to demonstrate your overall message, firstly of your paragraph and then of your whole essay.
You also want to avoid chronologically analysing the techniques in a poem - feel free to jump round within and between poems, picking out only the stuff that's 100% relevant to your overall point.
Technique ----> effect ----> overall idea of paragraph ---> overall idea of essay.

A minor expression concern that I’ve touched on a few times throughout: your repeating structure, ‘the author uses this technique ‘here’ to show…’.  There’s nothing inherently wrong with it, but if you repeat it countless times in a row, it gets a bit boring, choppy and like a checklist.  To increase flow and communicate your ideas better, try these tips:

  • Sometimes turn the techniques (nouns, e.g metaphor, personification) into either adverbs or verbs.
    The author uses the metaphor ‘X’ to present... ==> The author metaphorically presents…
    The author personifies X as Y…’ ==> ‘Personifying X as Y, the author…


  • Start some sentences with ‘verb-ing’, or ‘by verb-ing’.   (You’re already doing this, but there are some places you could do it more.)
    The author uses the metaphor ‘X’ to highlight… [message] ==> Highlighting [message], the author uses the metaphor ‘X’.[/i]
    The author uses the metaphor ‘X’ to highlight… ==> By using the metaphor ‘X’, the author highlights…

  • Break it into two sentences, and start the second sentence with ‘This’.  Hence, instead of overtly labelling the technique in the first sentence (‘the author uses X technique’), you kinda sneak in the technique name in the second sentence – really helps flow.
    The author uses a metaphor when she says ‘X’… ==> The author says ‘X’ and does ‘Y’.  This metaphor reveals…

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brenden

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #28 on: July 11, 2015, 01:05:19 pm »
Hi again, this is my Mod C essay on "Art of Travel". My first body is on structure, 2nd on a chapter called "On anticipation" and the last body on chapter "On the City and Landscape". My teacher is very "techniques" oriented so you'll see I've spammed as much as I could. Looking forward to the feedback :)


Spoiler
Quote
“All representations are the result of selection.” To what extent does your study of People and Landscapes support this statement? In your response, make detailed references to your prescribed text.

Perspectives represent the multiplicity of ways in which individuals view their world, and when foregrounded by composers in a unique an evocative manner, significantly shape the way the audience responds to events and landscapes. In his novel The Art of Travel (2002), De Botton employs a unique perspective on people and landscapes to shape and distort the text, manipulating the audience’s understanding that all representations are the result of selection. This is done in a philosophical inquiry of travel, with references to selected artists and writers as well as his personal experiences that are representative of the universal human experience. Thus, by examining the anecdotal viewpoints regarding the disjunction between reality and representation, De Botton explores the philosophy of our selections of landscapes and how this impacts our mental and physical state.

To convey his interpretation of the representations of landscapes and how they are the result of selection, De Botton employs literary devices in a unique structural format to pursue his philosophical inquiry into the art of travel. In doing so, he broadens the discussion of travel and examines our relationship with landscapes and how they affect us as individuals. Throughout the text, inclusive pronouns like “we” are used regularly to engage the reader and claim a universality of experience, suggesting his ideas apply to all. He constantly refers to the experiences of 18th and 19th century writers and artists such as Hodges and Baudelaire to provide a Western Humanist framework for his ideas. Paintings such as “Winter Sun” allow him to physically construct landscapes for us, demonstrating how imagined landscapes are the result of deliberate selection. Furthermore, the recounts of his travel guides present a form of sensory, emotional, and psychological experience, as well as his personal anecdotes that give a sense of authenticity and intimacy. Additionally, De Botton offers a selection of unorthodox imagery such as “the swiftness of the plane’s ascent” to apply careful detail on objects and landscapes otherwise banal, ugly, or overlooked, showing the selectivity of the minds that “omit and compress, cutting away the periods of boredom.” Finally, a motif of the tree enables a sense of continuity as well as a comparison between landscapes, as it is the only constant feature in his numerous landscapes. He explicitly derives that “empty of life, without trees” – the tree representing landscapes as a whole, and whether we select to recognise it as part of our psychological development. Therefore, by accentuating his perspective through a powerful structural format, De Botton is able to shape the reader’s understanding of the representations of landscapes.

In his introductory chapter “On Anticipation”, De Botton exemplifies the disjunction between perceptions of an imagined landscape in comparison to the reality, highlighting that representations of landscapes are simply the product of our selective imagination. He begins with emotive language to depict the winter of London that he describes with adjectives such as “relentless”, “ominous”, and “forbidding”. The bleak imagery is a reflection of his emotional state and suggests his desire to leave. His real London experience of the landscape is contrasted with the imagined landscape of Barbados that is described with pleasant sensory language of “relief”, “sweet”, and “turquoise” where De Botton lends visual imagery to emphasise its beauty by referencing William Hodges’ painting “Winter Sun”. The effect is to allow the audience to recognise that the beauty of a landscape may be solely determined by one’s exposure to representations constructed by writers and artists. This idea is cemented by intertextuality of the character Des Esseintes, who was allured by the landscape of London constructed by Dickens but en-route to the city, ultimately “paid the bill, left the tavern…and never left home again.” The humorous anecdote leads on to the idea that “The reality of travel is not what we anticipate” and that “reality must always be disappointing.” The selective nature of anticipation is further reiterated in De Botton’s personal anecdote in Barbados, where after two months of anticipation “Nothing was as I imagined.” He describes this in the theatrical allusion that juxtaposes the reality of a landscape to theatregoers who project their imagined landscape onto the backdrop of a stage (Page 12). De Botton then accentuates this with accumulative imagery -  “We sit in a train. Lunch digests awkwardly within us. The seat cloth is grey” that shows how our selective imagination of landscapes tends to ignore the reality whereby “those eyes were intimately tied to a body and mind which will travel with me wherever I went.” By stating this, De Botton concludes with the intertextual quote by Des Esseintes “imagination could provide a more-than-adequate substitute for the vulgar reality of actual experience.” Therefore by collectively utilising the works of 18th/19th century artists and painters, as well as anecdotes, De Botton is able to engage the reader, thus conveying the idea that anticipation is simply a selective representation of imagination, often leading us to the disappointment of reality.

People and landscapes are explored in an evocative examination of the conflicting perspectives associated between the calm and restorative natural landscape and the artificial city environment. This opinion is represented primarily through the poetic literature by William Wordsworth who emphasises on the emotions confronted by the beauty of nature – “nature can so inform; the mind that is within us.” The philosophy of Wordsworth is backed up by De Botton’s own experiences in the Lake District where pleasant imagery of “perfect weather” evokes emotional explorations. This leads to the Wordsworth’s words that “regular travel through nature was a necessary antidote to the evils of the city” where clear contrast is made between the sensory language that depicts “the smoke, congestion, poverty and ugliness of cities” compared to nature that would “dispose us to seek out life in each other.”  De Botton cements this idea by juxtaposing his everyday banality to the beauty and poetry of the natural scene before him. So by stating “identities are to a greater or lesser sense malleable”, De Botton suggests that selecting the landscape you are in will in effect determine your individual state of mind and physicality.

By acknowledging the complex nature of perspectives and representation that arise in response to situations and personalities, De Botton is able to extend and shape the reader’s perspective on representations of landscapes. His careful selection of structure as well as skilful presentation of personal and universal struggles explores the art of travel in unique and evocative ways.
Hey man! Sorry this is so late. I've been organising free revision lectures over in Victoria (hopefully soon to come to HSC).


“All representations are the result of selection.” To what extent does your study of People and Landscapes support this statement? In your response, make detailed references to your prescribed text.

Perspectives represent the multiplicity of ways in which individuals view their world, and when foregrounded by composers in a unique an evocative manner, significantly shape the way the audience responds to events and landscapes.cool opening sentence In his novel The Art of Travel (2002), De Botton employs a unique perspective on people and landscapes to shape and distort the text, manipulating the audience’s understanding that all representations are the result of selection I see that you're trying to respond to the prompt, but I don't see what you're properly trying to ssay?. This is done in a philosophical inquiry of travel, with references to selected artists and writers as well as his personal experiences that are representative of the universal human experience. Thus, by examining the anecdotal viewpoints regarding the disjunction between reality and representation, De Botton explores the philosophy of our selections of landscapes and how this impacts our mental and physical state Good close. not a bad intro at all!.

To convey his interpretation of the representations of landscapes and how they are the result of selection, De Botton employs literary devices in a unique structural format to pursue his philosophical inquiry into the art of travelClear topic sentence, and reads well. really good.. In doing so, he broadens the discussion of travel and examines our relationship with landscapes and how they affect us as individuals. Throughout the text, inclusive pronouns like “we” are used regularly to engage the reader and claim a universality of experience, suggesting his ideas apply to all. Your teacher would like this, good. He constantly refers to the experiences of 18th and 19th century writers and artists such as Hodges and Baudelaire to provide a Western Humanist framework for his ideas. Feel like the red is a bit disconnected - you just jump in your thought, without showing your reader that you're abotu to change topicsPaintings such as “Winter Sun” allow him to physically construct landscapes for us, demonstrating how imagined landscapes are the result of deliberate selection. Furthermore, the recounts of his travel guides present a form of sensory, emotional, and psychological experience, as well as his personal anecdotes that give a sense of authenticity and intimacy. Additionally, De Botton offers a selection of unorthodox imagery such as “the swiftness of the plane’s ascent” to apply careful detail on objects and landscapes otherwise banal, ugly, or overlooked, showing the selectivity of the minds that “omit and compress, cutting away the periods of boredom.” Really good paragraph so far, but just notice how in the last two sentences I've highlighted, you've used what's essentially the same structure. In Blue, you use a tricolon to say 'sensory, emotional, and psychological', and then you say "and... bla bla bla" to shove more info in, and then in red, you gain use the tricolon. Both sentences also start with "furthermore" and "additionally"... The structural repetition here slightly kills your flow, but otherwise, everything is going really well. (also, i just noticed your next sentence starts with finally, which further stutters the flow a bit) Finally, a motif of the tree enables a sense of continuity as well as a comparison between landscapes, as it is the only constant feature in his numerous landscapes. He explicitly derives that “empty of life, without trees” – the tree representing landscapes as a whole, and whether we select to recognise it as part of our psychological development. Therefore, by accentuating his perspective through a powerful structural format, De Botton is able to shape the reader’s understanding of the representations of landscapes.pretty strong paragraph in terms of analysis, and your expression is also really good, but as noted, the overall flow/'readability' could be improved to squeeze out the final marks.

In his introductory chapter “On Anticipation”, De Botton exemplifies the disjunction between perceptions of an imagined landscape in comparison to the reality, highlighting that representations of landscapes are simply the product of our selective imagination.Great topic sentence on a structural level. He begins with emotive language good, i can see your teacher loving it to depict the winter of London that he describes with adjectives such as “relentless”, “ominous”, and “forbidding”. The bleak imagery is a reflection of his emotional state and suggests his desire to leave. His real London experience of the landscape is contrasted with the imagined landscape of Barbados that is described with pleasant sensory language of “relief”, “sweet”, and “turquoise” where De Botton lends visual imagery to emphasise its beauty by referencing William Hodges’ painting “Winter Sun”.paragraph is flowing really well into itself at the moment The effect is to allow the audience to recognise that the beauty of a landscape may be solely determined by one’s exposure to representations constructed by writers and artists. This idea is cemented by intertextuality of the character Des Esseintes, who was allured by the landscape of London constructed by Dickens but en-route to the city, ultimately “paid the bill, left the tavern…and never left home again.” The humorous anecdote leads on to the idea that “The reality of travel is not what we anticipate” and that “reality must always be disappointing.” The selective nature of anticipation is further reiterated in De Botton’s personal anecdote in Barbados, where after two months of anticipation “Nothing was as I imagined.” He describes this in the theatrical allusion that juxtaposes the reality of a landscape to theatregoers who project their imagined landscape onto the backdrop of a stage (Page 12). De Botton then accentuates this with accumulative imagery -  “We sit in a train. Lunch digests awkwardly within us. The seat cloth is grey” that shows how our selective imagination of landscapes tends to ignore the reality whereby “those eyes were intimately tied to a body and mind which will travel with me wherever I went.” By stating this, De Botton concludes with the intertextual quote by Des Esseintes “imagination could provide a more-than-adequate substitute for the vulgar reality of actual experience.” Therefore by collectively utilising the works of 18th/19th century artists and painters, as well as anecdotes, De Botton is able to engage the reader, thus conveying the idea that anticipation is simply a selective representation of imagination, often leading us to the disappointment of reality.This is a nearly flawless paragraph.

People and landscapes are explored in an evocative examination of the conflicting perspectives associated between the calm and restorative natural landscape and the artificial city environment. would probably strip back the adjectives to increase readibilityThis opinion is represented primarily through the poetic literature by William Wordsworth who emphasises on the emotionsemphasises the emotions? confronted by the beauty of nature – “nature can so inform; the mind that is within us.” The philosophy of Wordsworth is backed up by De Botton’s own experiences in the Lake District where pleasant imagery of “perfect weather” evokes emotional explorations. This leads to the Wordsworth’s words that “regular travel through nature was a necessary antidote to the evils of the city” where clear contrast is made between the sensory language that depicts “the smoke, congestion, poverty and ugliness of cities” compared to nature that would “dispose us to seek out life in each other.”  De Botton cements this idea by juxtaposing his everyday banality to the beauty and poetry of the natural scene before him. So by stating “identities are to a greater or lesser sense malleable”, De Botton suggests that selecting the landscape you are in will in effect determine your individual state of mind and physicality.

By acknowledging the complex nature of perspectives and representation that arise in response to situations and personalities, De Botton is able to extend and shape the reader’s perspective on representations of landscapes. His careful selection of structure as well as skilful presentation of personal and universal struggles explores the art of travel in unique and evocative ways.

This is just a really solid, well done job. You will surely smash Mod C on trials.
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zaynabb

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #29 on: July 11, 2015, 09:30:21 pm »
Well, here goes!

First want to say that your language usage is truly beautiful throughout, you've hit that balance between sounding like a grade 2 vocab and sounding like you're trying to cram in 'big words' where they don't fit.  I FULL-ON LOVE IT!  Also, you seem to have a real feel for poetry - your analysis of the rhythm, metaphors and 'feel' behind the words is at times utterly impressive.  Excellent.  In these areas, your essay is just so band-six!

But hope you cope with someone slamming you throughout, I'm the sort that just always sees the holes!  Let me know if this doesn't make sense, I'm not the most brilliant at clear logical feedback ::)



The landscape can have a powerful impact on individuals moving them both physically and spiritually. As an environmentalist and social activist, Judith Wright believed poets should be concerned with national and social problems. Her evocative connections with the landscape reflect in her poetry, forcing revaluation of humanity’s relationship with nature. Through the dramatic use of language forms and features, Wright establishes the necessity of restabilising the human condition to evoke an opportunity for reconciliation what exactly do you mean by 'restabilise the human condition'?  I'm not a fan of vague but impressive-sounding sentences; always, before you write a sentence, think 'exactly what does this mean, in plain basic English?'  +, 'evoke opportunity'=not quite the right word. Use a linking wordTim Winton’s ‘Aquifer’ uses a metaphysical journey through the blurring of landscapes to awaken consciousness and encourage self-reflection. It is through the development of language techniques that both texts critique the importance of maintaining a transcendent connection with nature as a trigger for enlightenment.  Can’t say much on the intro lol, seems really great to me.  I’d just strengthen the links/contrast between the two texts.

Connections with the landscape can encourage reflection and revaluation of past injustices. Flame Tree in a Quarry explores the tenuous technological impact of man on nature that can create tension, highlighting the fragility of nature. The title creates a visual image of the lone ‘flame tree’ in a barren landscape ‘the Quarry’ triggering a metaphor how do you ‘trigger’ a metaphor?  Wrong word.  Rephrase: The title’s vivid image of the lone ‘flame tree’ in a barren landscape, ‘the Quarry’, metaphorically highlights nature’s fecundity following great destruction.  Tip: turning a technique (e.g. metaphor) into an adverb, like ‘metaphorically [highlights/reveals/stresses/depicts]’ can make your writing smoother and nicer to read.  If you refer directly to too many techniques, and your paragraph becomes a constant repetition of ‘the author uses this technique “here” which shows…’, it gets a bit choppy, repetitious and boring.  ‘Hiding’ your techniques a bit in adverbs helps with flow and interest. about the powerful forces of nature and its fecundity following great destruction. The poet seeks personal reconciliation with the harshness of the land how do you reconcile with harshness? Cool idea, but could be expressed a bit more clearly., stemming from her interests in environmentalism and social issues. Through the emotive description of the ‘dead’ landscape, Wright implies a body/soul connection with nature. Wright uses alliteration to personify the Quarry as a ‘broken bone’ that has been ‘stripped’, the vitriolic tone condemning the destruction of nature. Avoid stating that someone uses a technique, e.g. alliteration, without explaining why they use that, the impact, how it contributes to the overall messages, how it contributes to your paragraph’s argument.  Putting in a technique for the sake of it can look like you’re just trying to impress the examiner with your metalanguage – but unless you analyse that technique, you might as well not even mention it!  The whole point is the analysis.  So as a rule of thumb, never mention a technique or quote without then going on to analyse exactly the impact of it.  Stemming from her own interests in environmentalism and indigenous land rights, the poet seeks personal reconciliation with the harshness of the land and those in it I highlighted it red to show that you’ve already said this whole sentence before – there are a couple of problems with that: a) repetition is just a bit irritating/annoying; b) it sounds like you don’t have anything else to say, so you just repeat to pad out a paragraph; and c) it takes away a sense of development or building in the paragraph.  Try to avoid repeating ideas, and if you do repeat, at least come up with a different way of structuring/phrasing the idea.. Wright uses the simile ‘like a wrecked skull’ to reveal the impact of man’s destruction of nature Here’s where you could take it to a higher level – like, I get that of course that simile reveals the impact of man’s destruction!  BUT, I want you to explain it to me.  Think of me like a 5-year-old kid – I want you to fill in every possible gap, step me through it like I’m not all there.  Explain exactly what the simile does – how does the ‘wrecked skull’ make me feel?  What is it about the choice of those particular words that really highlights man’s destruction of nature?  I mean, what you’ve got is good, but ANYONE could write that, and you don’t want to be just ‘anyone’.  You want to stand out by filling in the gaps and explaining exactly how the technique causes that overall effect. The alliterative active imagery ‘bush of blood’ that non-literally ‘leaps out’ represents the forces of natural renewal and regrowth, becoming a symbol of injury but also healing and the potential for renewal. The poem highlights recoiling of nature because of man’s interruptions. The personification of the Quarry ‘out of the torn earth’s mouth’ signals the pain felt for the environmental destruction. Again, here’s an opportunity to break out of the ‘the author uses this technique “here” which shows…’ structure, for some variety and to break up the check-listy feeling.  Instead of ‘the personification of’, a noun technique, try a verb: ‘Personifying the Quarry as…’ or ‘By personifying the Quarry as…’  You’re still including a technique, but a bit more subtly and ‘nicely’. As the poet empathises, she forces the reader to reconnect and reflect on the fragility of nature’s potential.
I highlighted two sentences blue, because I couldn’t quite see how they fitted into the rest of the paragraph.  You’re discussing throughout how Wright really highlights man’s destruction of nature, and the fragility of nature – and then at a couple of random places you mention how Wright shows the land’s regrowth/fruitfulness, which actually contradicts the rest of what you’re saying a bit.  What you’ve said is GOOD and insightful, but it doesn’t fit in.  It fits more in the next para, actually.


The developing relationship what do you mean here? Whose developing relationship?  Remember I’m a dumb idiot and don’t get what you’re sayin’ unless you explain carefully! with the landscape can trigger concerns about the environment and man’s impact on this. Wright creates beautiful Australian symbolism transforming her land into an emotionally accepted background. In employing biblical imagery, Wright demonstrates how nature’s voice is ‘made flesh’ though ‘the singer dies’ referencing the wrecked landscape that forms the body through which the voice of the metaphoric flame tree comes. The poet uses Christian imagery ’the world’s delight/the world’s desire’ to draw on the parable of Christ’s birth as a visual representation on earth as an invisible God, the repeated words of praise becoming a religious experience.  Draw further how this impacts the audience and makes them feel about the landscape, or what it presents about the landscape. Through the synaesthesia of ’I drink/ my sight’, Wright highlights transcendence, devouring visually in a religious experience unclear – sounds like you have a really great idea/feel there, but it just hasn’t translated very clearly onto paper of nature and its power to transform individuals. Wright predicts the free reign given to miners resulting in violent destruction of the land. So, how does this link with the sentences around it? The use of the female voice of nature ‘filled with fire’ metaphorically connotes good! ‘metaphorically connotes’ = brilliant the spiritual potential rebirth of nature.  The cyclic imagery of the ‘fountain of hot joy’ becomes a metaphor to reveal the escaping blood from damaged vessels, enabling a clean reawakening of nature after great technological damages Me no understand.  What has escaping blood from damaged vessels got to do with reawakening/rebirth?  You need to step me through it, explaining exactly how the metaphor conveys that message!. The oxymoronic paradox of ‘life/death’ attempts reconciliation with nature to encapsulate the fertility of the land, as life comes from death. Wright implies that nature has power and it is up to man how he chooses to harness it.

The landscape can be a barrier for physical and emotional development, having a regenerative power to evoke reverence. I can’t 100% see what the first half of that sentence has to do with the last half – it feels like two totally different ideas crammed together, while the paragraph should have one single focus or purpose. Epiphanic visions of the poem and the neoromantic overtones of dualism ’consciousness/senses’ enable the poet to reflect on man’s insignificance in the overwhelming beauty of nature. Boy oh boy, do you write nicely.  Love it bruh. Through visions and dreams, the poet is able to experience the wonder of the landscape, transcending into the impressive imaginative realm. The external forces of nature conflates with the internal forces of the ‘train’, becoming a vehicle for the persona’s metaphysical journey.  The poem which poem, btw? label exactly what you’re talking about begins with a position of entrapment as the poet is ‘Glassed with cold’, the immediate divorcement from nature becoming a springboard for the metaphysical ‘journey’. Wright uses kinaesthetic, auditory and visual imagery ‘confused/ dazzled/hammering’ to create a semi-synesthetic effect by blending the senses as the poet awakens. The conflation of tactile imagery raises inner consciousness. First person ‘I’ reiterates the disengagement from nature through a subjective voice. Much of the lyrical intensity of the verse derives from the immediate local reference of setting. Three short chop-chop sentences; all of them could do with a bit more explanation, and linking together. The controlled rhythm form mimics the ‘hammering’ rhythm of the train, creating an unusual formal stiffness against the metaphoric and passionate subject. The half-rhyme ‘air/star’ connects all aspects of nature to create a holistic vision of spiralled growth This was what I meant by not naming techniques for the sake of naming techniques; sure, it’s a half-rhyme, but if you can’t draw any message out of that, then DON’T mention it.. Through this, Wright reinforces the meditative powers of nature and its ability to transform the human condition.
I’m a bit concerned that you’re just taking a poem and chronologically analysing its language/techniques, without thinking all the time about the THEMES and messages, the bigger picture.

Nature can inspire creativity, its life force mirrored by the composers craft in the power of creation. In encapsulating haunting images of the landscape, the poet utilises a gothic trope for revaluation of self and society within the fragility of place. The ‘dry breast’ of the landscape is metaphorically connected to the persona’s ‘heart’, alluding to the lack of nourishment to acknowledge the fragile ‘country that built my heart’. Through descriptive language of the ‘uncoloured slope’, Wright affirms the crepuscular moonlight draining the colour from the landscape, only to be filled through the poetry. Nature is represented as a violent force and Wright is unsentimental. The image of the phallic ‘ironbark’ tree penetrating the ‘virgin rock’ is unabashed in its sexual reference. Sure, but what does that do?  Your aim is to never leave the reader wondering, why did you just say that piece of evidence?  With EVERY SINGLE THING you put in, explain why you included it, and what it shows about your overall paragraph idea or contention.  Wright’s strength of voice mirrors the call on nature to use its violence for survival in the harsh landscape. The paradox ‘unloving come to life’ becomes a connection of the elemental and impersonal forces of nature that enable the tree to give birth to itself. Wrights invocations is emulated in the rhyming couplet ‘dew/you’ as she admires nature’s strength in Australia’s harsh and unyielding landscape. The persona ‘woke’ to ‘flowers more lovely than the white moon’, the simile representing awe of her new insight into nature that is able to sustain and survive on this barren landscape. Time to zoom out now; you’ve now got to tie together all of the techniques you’ve mentioned, and draw out the overall, broader message

Tim Winton’s intense connections with the Western Australian landscape creates stories with an evocative representation of people and places that are quintessentially Australian. OK.  You really need to change something here.  Firstly, you’ve put your related text in a separate paragraph rather than integrating them, but secondly you haven’t even used linking words!  The essay is like   You seriously seriously seriously NEED to link the two texts, and compare how they present people and landscapes – you’ve got to dig into how they use different techniques to present different messages and directly contrast them.  Your mark will be severely limited if you just stick two separate short essays together like this.  His short story, Aquifer, blurs landscape to critique the past and present melding the future. The title symbolises the Australian landscape as being only superficially dry, the integration of the dead creates more to the landscape, both human and physical, than evident on the surface. <-- run-on sentence Using a retrospective tone, the story signals the moving in of the landscape as the persona ‘travels away in loops and ellipses away from the middle age’ to the suburb of his childhood, Angelus. The symbolic use of the name foreshadows a rebirth for the persona as the pieces of his childhood are put back into place. Opening with tactile imagery ‘stirred’, Winton immediately positions the reader to engage with the persona again, need you to explain; how does that imagery actually position the reader to engage?  In your head, I’m sure you’ve thought through the ways that that imagery works; but IF YOU DON’T PUT IT DOWN ON PAPER, you leave a gap and start to sound like you’re jumping to tenuous, unsupportable conclusions!  Think of it like the working marks in maths – often, even if you get totally the right answer and did it all the right way, if you don’t write it out, you won’t even get half marks. The duality of the persona and reader embarking on the metaphysical journey becomes a springboard for reflection on how childhood landscapes shape adulthood.
Through manipulating figurative language, Winton provokes feelings and thoughts on people and landscapes. Steer clear of broad vague fluffy sentences like this, anyone could say them and they don’t provide any new insights.  Try ‘Winston’s figurative language…’ and dive straight into the specific themes/messages, rather than vaguely referencing the entire topic. Utilising the post-colonial lens, Winton furthers the lack of connections and displacement between the settlers and the landscape as they attempt to ‘plant buffalo grass’. The recurring motif of ‘blood and bone’ strengthens Winton’s concerns to bring forth the unconscious connections with the landscape. The active imagery of the settlers ‘running havoc’ forces revaluation of notions of imperialism and the desire to control the landscape. Winton evocatively conveys through  kinaesthetic imagery how the children ‘slipped together, no straight lines’, the ordered lines of the suburbia juxtaposed with the ’twisted logs’ alluding to the life force of the landscape as an embedding force of danger and transformation. Winton’s final image of ‘the past is in us not behind us’ highlights the injustices wrought on the landscape and its inhabitants. Like Judith, Winton encourages his reader to be in awe of the power of nature as a renewing force.  Yay.  Finally, for the first time in the whole essay, you’re comparing them.  But one sentence isn’t enough!!! Give me more!





Try interweaving the two texts throughout your paragraphs, rather than having the related text in a separate paragraph.  This is really really important.  You want to be directly showing the contrasts and similarities between their techniques, forms and messages.

Quotes
You could practice integrating quotes more smoothly.  You quite often do this: ‘… blah blah technique QUOTE…’, i.e. just dumping the quote immediately after the technique without weaving it into the grammar of your sentence.
e.g. ‘Opening with tactile imagery ‘stirred’,…’
‘…the neoromantic overtones of dualism ‘consciousness/senses’ enable the poet to…’
If you read it out loud, you’ll see that the quote just doesn’t fit in there.
At the very least, you need commas: ‘opening with tactile imagery, ‘stirred’,…’  but even that is a bit of a dodge or ‘fake’ way of getting the quote to fit in the sentence.  Try ‘Opening with tactile imagery IN THE WORD ‘stirred’…’, or rearrange the sentence completely.

Next: you want to avoid becoming a list of techniques.  Techniques are really important, but if you just start listing them off, dedicating 1-2 sentences to each, it can really get in the way of paragraph development.  You can end up with a fragmented checklist of ‘this does this, this does this, and this does this’, and forget to zoom out to the overall message of your paragraph.  Often, your list of techniques don’t build off each other, because either they just repeat exactly the same point, or they have quite different points that don’t work together very well.  Don’t see techniques as the end-point, but as the MEANS to the end – they’re your fodder which you use to demonstrate your overall message, firstly of your paragraph and then of your whole essay.
You also want to avoid chronologically analysing the techniques in a poem - feel free to jump round within and between poems, picking out only the stuff that's 100% relevant to your overall point.
Technique ----> effect ----> overall idea of paragraph ---> overall idea of essay.

A minor expression concern that I’ve touched on a few times throughout: your repeating structure, ‘the author uses this technique ‘here’ to show…’.  There’s nothing inherently wrong with it, but if you repeat it countless times in a row, it gets a bit boring, choppy and like a checklist.  To increase flow and communicate your ideas better, try these tips:

  • Sometimes turn the techniques (nouns, e.g metaphor, personification) into either adverbs or verbs.
    The author uses the metaphor ‘X’ to present... ==> The author metaphorically presents…
    The author personifies X as Y…’ ==> ‘Personifying X as Y, the author…


  • Start some sentences with ‘verb-ing’, or ‘by verb-ing’.   (You’re already doing this, but there are some places you could do it more.)
    The author uses the metaphor ‘X’ to highlight… [message] ==> Highlighting [message], the author uses the metaphor ‘X’.[/i]
    The author uses the metaphor ‘X’ to highlight… ==> By using the metaphor ‘X’, the author highlights…

  • Break it into two sentences, and start the second sentence with ‘This’.  Hence, instead of overtly labelling the technique in the first sentence (‘the author uses X technique’), you kinda sneak in the technique name in the second sentence – really helps flow.
    The author uses a metaphor when she says ‘X’… ==> The author says ‘X’ and does ‘Y’.  This metaphor reveals…

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THAAAAAAAAAAANK YOUUUUUU SO SO SO SO MUUUCHHH!!!  I do sincerely appreciate your criticisms! Will work on it definitely!! Thank you heaps!!!!!