Discovery Creative (all feedback is greatly appreciated)

[ilovemycat]

Hi guys,

I was wondering if anyone has some spare time and energy to read through and comment on my creative for discovery? ive been told its a very weird story, and i think its this way because i didnt really plan it before writign - kinda went on a bit of a whim with it. this is how its turned out. my biggest concerns are that the marker may not follow whats happening/that they might get confused by the flashbacks... and also, do you think the discovery asect of it is clear enough? (ie. the discovery of death, culture type thing) .

thanks heaps

[May K]

Hey, I went over your creative and I am in no way even that good at English but I hope this helps! 
Also about your concerns, for me they weren't really an issue. Another thing is how old exactly is your character, because her thoughts reflect a kid's but her actions and perceptions are more mature?

[ilovemycat]

Thank you so so much! you are awesome, I really appreciate this

Hmm.. Shes supposed to be around 10 ish?

Your comments are really helpful. Ill try and make the story a little more complex and consistent. again, thanks a bunch

[May K]

Ohh if she's still 10, the accident happened some days before she turned ten, maybe it is not complex enough? I am not sure how to fix it or if it is actually a problem, but just read over it again and make sure there's no why or what do you mean

I'm glad it helps. You are very welcome

If you want maybe you can take a look at my creative too, It's a tad bit too long but I don't know what to get rid of 

[LochNess Monster]

Hi guys,

I was wondering if anyone has some spare time and energy to read through and comment on my creative for discovery? ive been told its a very weird story, and i think its this way because i didnt really plan it before writign - kinda went on a bit of a whim with it. this is how its turned out. my biggest concerns are that the marker may not follow whats happening/that they might get confused by the flashbacks... and also, do you think the discovery asect of it is clear enough? (ie. the discovery of death, culture type thing) .

thanks heaps

I think your writing is very good! The flashbacks were perfectly clear and I'm super impressed since this is like, one of your first drafts, right?

Anyways, it's a good story but you're right. I couldn't really tell where the discovery was? Could you say in one sentence what the discovery was exactly? Because I feel like the girl is too young to understand/discover something about culture, if she is just 10...

Maybe you could tweak it a bit and we can still look through her eyes but her auntie discovers something instead, through this girl's innocence?

I'm not sure but hope you can make a discovery super clear and happening in the story.

You got this and good luck!

p.s I did really enjoy the story even without a clear discovery. It was such a nice read! You have a good way of writing 

[ilovemycat]

Hey!

I added some comments to your story here

I really enjoyed reading it and I think you have an interesting and very original concept. Plus, you write so well!   

Hope its helpful

[ilovemycat]

I think your writing is very good! The flashbacks were perfectly clear and I'm super impressed since this is like, one of your first drafts, right?

Anyways, it's a good story but you're right. I couldn't really tell where the discovery was? Could you say in one sentence what the discovery was exactly? Because I feel like the girl is too young to understand/discover something about culture, if she is just 10...

Maybe you could tweak it a bit and we can still look through her eyes but her auntie discovers something instead, through this girl's innocence?

I'm not sure but hope you can make a discovery super clear and happening in the story.

You got this and good luck!

p.s I did really enjoy the story even without a clear discovery. It was such a nice read! You have a good way of writing 

thank you so much! yes, the discovery here is a little more nuanced than usual. its essentially the little girls discovery of death - the innocence of her realising that an animal she once had as a pet is killed for food. the flashbacks to gooby i guess are a testament to the emotional baggage of it all .

thats a great idea! the aunty is sort of an antithesis to the girl. she travels, is culturally aware of things - so if the stimulus lends itsself to that (an image of a globe, map, countries etc) i have some extra stuff i can add in too.

again, thanks for your helpful comments - i really appreciate it

[May K]

Hey!

I added some comments to your story here

I really enjoyed reading it and I think you have an interesting and very original concept. Plus, you write so well!   

Hope its helpful

Haha, Thanks a ton for the comments.
 
You gave me some ideas to cut down stuff, so that's good!

And the Taylor Swift thing, when I was writing it the song was on TV so i just chuck it in to give the character's context like "I don't like playing human games" because I essentially portrayed her as a nonexistent person at the end   

[headsup]

Hi guys,

I was wondering if anyone has some spare time and energy to read through and comment on my creative for discovery? ive been told its a very weird story, and i think its this way because i didnt really plan it before writign - kinda went on a bit of a whim with it. this is how its turned out. my biggest concerns are that the marker may not follow whats happening/that they might get confused by the flashbacks... and also, do you think the discovery asect of it is clear enough? (ie. the discovery of death, culture type thing) .

thanks heaps

Hey!!!

I think this is really good. The flashbacks and connection to current events is great.

Just a thought to add some sophistication.... You don't have to but you could make it appear as if Gooby is her brother and at the end we see that he is a children. Then as a reader we discover the power of a connection between a child and an animal and the need for nature to be harmonised....

Just a thought.

[headsup]

Ohh if she's still 10, the accident happened some days before she turned ten, maybe it is not complex enough? I am not sure how to fix it or if it is actually a problem, but just read over it again and make sure there's no why or what do you mean

I'm glad it helps. You are very welcome

If you want maybe you can take a look at my creative too, It's a tad bit too long but I don't know what to get rid of 

I think this is really well written... Good job! Most of the changes have been pointed about by ilovemycat!

All the best with it...

[May K]

Thanks

[headsup]

Thanks

NP!
If you feel like reading another one