Advanced English - Mod A Essay

[rh1A]

Attached is a draft of a Mod A Essay....the texts are Shakespeare's King Richard III and Al Pacino's Looking for Richard
it's still a total mess and there is no conclusion ......
But any help ASAP would be awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please help me!!!!! AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey there!! A few comments that I hope are helpful

- I like your Thesis, ties nicely to context. I think you could improve by further developing your own definition/spin on the question, rather than just saying the the value of STUFF IN THE QUESTION. Also watch sentence length, we're getting up there!
- Be careful that you aren't retelling what happens in the story, and that you are focusing on concepts rather than characters. As soon as you get into, "Richard says _____," you are retelling. Easy way to tell you are too character focused is that your conclusion for paragraph #1 says we have learned about Richard - Where did the concepts from the first sentence go?
- Flowing from above, Richard does not use techniques. Shakespeare does. Always attribute the technique to the composer, characters are just puppets.
- Ensure every quote has a technique - A textual reference without a technique is probably retell. You need to analyse decisions made by Shakespeare/Pacino for a specific reason, to appeal to their contexts and develop a specific theme.
- Topic sentence in paragraph two is lovely conceptually, but I don't think it reads quite right? Maybe just me? Watch that conceptual statements are 100% how you want them to sound because it makes a big difference.
- Ensure every paragraph has a proper conclusion. "Thus, we can see how Pacino has elaborated on Shakespeares representation to blah blah blah."
- Keep quotes short! Only use the bit with a technique, and for ease for the marker, always put the quote and technique in the same sentence. Simple rule, I find it helps people achieve clarity in their arguments much more easily

Overall, strong ideas in principle, but the analysis is a tad too character focused right now! Get away from retell, simplify things to, "Shakespeare/Pacino uses THIS TECHNIQUE in THIS QUOTE for THIS PURPOSE." That is what good analysis should look like. Here's what Shakespeare wants to show us about the theme, this is how he does it, here's my proof. Bazinga - Never even have to mention Richard if you don't want to

Good luck! Happy to elaborate on stuff if I can