AOS Advanced Creative

[theyam]

Hello,

Was just hoping someone could give some feedback for my discovery creative. You can be as brutal as you want, in fact I'd prefer that.

Thanks

theyam

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey yam! Would be happy to lend a hand:

- I love the first sentence, I'm a real fan of one sentence paragraph openers. It grabs the attention nicely.
- Read your piece aloud the way you think it should sound, and listen for where you pause. Put commas there. Feel you need a tad more pacing!
- I feel you've got a good balance with your imagery. Easy to overdo, I think you've got it right.
- Make sure dialogue is realistic. When people talk, they take shortcuts. Speak in sentence fragments. Imbue that into your dialogue to make it real.
- A few bits of alliteration that seem a bit forced. Techniques are good, but only if they serve a purpose!
- I'd like a little bit more work put into characterising the grandfather and how they changed after the death of the grandmother. You've given it a sentence but it feels fairly vital!
- Not a huge fan of the ending, it seems a little out of place. The dialogue seems a bit forced. Just doesn't feel right, in my opinion - I like the idea of it, that you shouldn't call it a nursing home. That's cool. But just how it is delivered didn't personally work for me.

Overall I think your writing is really strong. Awesome, reflective style and some excellent character development in the flashback. I'd like to see you hone in  on some smaller mechanics stuff, dialogue and sentence structure/pacing. Make sure you consider how this could respond to a variety of Discovery stimuli - Conceptually, I think you'll find this might need to be adapted to work for certain concepts, so consider how you might do that as well

[theyam]

Hey yam! Would be happy to lend a hand:

- I love the first sentence, I'm a real fan of one sentence paragraph openers. It grabs the attention nicely.
- Read your piece aloud the way you think it should sound, and listen for where you pause. Put commas there. Feel you need a tad more pacing!
- I feel you've got a good balance with your imagery. Easy to overdo, I think you've got it right.
- Make sure dialogue is realistic. When people talk, they take shortcuts. Speak in sentence fragments. Imbue that into your dialogue to make it real.
- A few bits of alliteration that seem a bit forced. Techniques are good, but only if they serve a purpose!
- I'd like a little bit more work put into characterising the grandfather and how they changed after the death of the grandmother. You've given it a sentence but it feels fairly vital!
- Not a huge fan of the ending, it seems a little out of place. The dialogue seems a bit forced. Just doesn't feel right, in my opinion - I like the idea of it, that you shouldn't call it a nursing home. That's cool. But just how it is delivered didn't personally work for me.

Overall I think your writing is really strong. Awesome, reflective style and some excellent character development in the flashback. I'd like to see you hone in  on some smaller mechanics stuff, dialogue and sentence structure/pacing. Make sure you consider how this could respond to a variety of Discovery stimuli - Conceptually, I think you'll find this might need to be adapted to work for certain concepts, so consider how you might do that as well

Thank you very much for the feedback Jamon! I was just wondering if you could quickly just skim over this new ending to see if it's all good to go?

May watched as Grandfather’s eyes settled onto the faces within photograph, and for a moment. Just a mere moment. A bright spark resurfaced to illuminate the dullness behind the lens of his glasses, almost like a reflection of the faces in the photograph.
It was as if he finally recognized the photograph to be not of just any suburban living room, but rather, his place which was once filled with people he loved. A place built upon happiness and dreams.

Grandfather was home.

But then, like a final sunset, the light behind the lens started to wane and it reverted back into an almost expressionless gaze with the slightest hint of sorrow.

To May, it was perhaps the cruelest gift they could have given to Grandfather, that family photo.


A reminder of what was.

Thank you again Jamon!

[jamonwindeyer]

Thank you very much for the feedback Jamon! I was just wondering if you could quickly just skim over this new ending to see if it's all good to go?

May watched as Grandfather’s eyes settled onto the faces within photograph, and for a moment. Just a mere moment. A bright spark resurfaced to illuminate the dullness behind the lens of his glasses, almost like a reflection of the faces in the photograph.
It was as if he finally recognized the photograph to be not of just any suburban living room, but rather, his place which was once filled with people he loved. A place built upon happiness and dreams.

Grandfather was home.

But then, like a final sunset, the light behind the lens started to wane and it reverted back into an almost expressionless gaze with the slightest hint of sorrow.

To May, it was perhaps the cruelest gift they could have given to Grandfather, that family photo.


A reminder of what was.

Thank you again Jamon!

Very welcome!! Yep, I like that waaaaaay better, really nice work!! put this through the testing process now, stick it up against a bunch of stimuli under exam conditions, see how it holds up, come up with ways to vary it to bring out different aspects of Discovery. The characters and idea though, really cool - Well done

[theyam]

Thank you so much Jamon!!