I'm up to it friend
- Nice Thesis, covers the ideas of representation and People/Landscapes well. Watch for flow, that last sentence is a tad too long. Sometimes simpler expression can make points more powerful; you've got an excellent vocabulary but you don't have to use the big words every time.
- Similarly, in your first body paragraph, I think you can make your expression more direct. 240 words, a quarter or so of that 1000 word average for a Module essay, is what you've used there. You only have two techniques - You need to be more direct, use of ____ shows us ____. Simple, easy, lets you squeeze in more evidence.
- Shorter quotes help here as well, as does finding a singular quote that demonstrates your technique.
- A little bit of retell in Para #2. You are telling me something the character did (returned to the Colorado River), not necessary! Also watch for flow (sentence length is going a tad high I think), had to re-read a few sentences here to follow you properly. You
need commas!
- Really like the topic sentence for Para #3. It's not generic, it is specific and provocative. Indeed, the ideas in this paragraph are great. But you aren't backing it up with techniques and specific examples! This is the representation module, techniques are your gospel! A conceptual paragraph like this works okay in the AoS, here it
needs to be heavily based in the techniques.
- You've definitely leaned towards the prescribed in this essay - Not a huge deal, but it is noticeable that you don't quite have a perfect balance.
- Some heavy retell in Para #4. Re-read it, see how you are recounting the short film?
Essentially, when you propose an idea it is a good idea. When you analyse, you analyse well. But there's a bit of mucking around to get to those good bits, a few places where expression is getting in the way, and places where you lose sight of
representation and instead slip back into retell or vague conceptual explanations.
This essay is about 1150 words, I think you've got a lot of room to cut unnecessary stuff, and then use some free space to get more techniques in. Right now you've got, at quick count, about 7 or 8 of them. I'd want you to aim for a dozen, minimum. Three per paragraph, and not implied, super clear -
This is what the composer used,
this is why,
this is what they are showing us. Don't leave room for ambiguity, make it easy for your markers to give you ticks