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Author Topic: HSC MOD B  (Read 2004 times)

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Olivia.daoud

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HSC MOD B
« on: May 22, 2018, 07:37:51 pm »
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Hey!
i do standard english and was just wondering if anyone is able to help me improve my essay with any feedback or recommendations.
Thank you!!

beatroot

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Re: HSC MOD B
« Reply #1 on: May 22, 2018, 10:45:24 pm »
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Hey there!

I did Harry Lavender last year for Mod B and I'm super keen to check your essay out!
Though I won't be able to read it until Thursday at the latest if that's alright?
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Olivia.daoud

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Re: HSC MOD B
« Reply #2 on: May 24, 2018, 09:10:48 pm »
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Hey, just letting you know,i've changed it a little to suit my teachers feedback. :)
- LINKED BELOW

beatroot

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Re: HSC MOD B
« Reply #3 on: May 24, 2018, 10:46:23 pm »
+5
Hey Olivia! My comments are just in the spoiler below in bold :)

Spoiler
Thesis statement needed. Marele Days contemporary crime fiction novel ‘Life and Crimes of Harry Lavender’ is a murder mystery; through social criticism of modern society during the 1980s Day explores challenging gender roles and growing concerns over criminality. Day’s prose- fiction novel incorporates dual first person narratives, an antagonist and protagonist to accentuate upon gender assumptions and the deceptive nature of the world in the modern Australian society. As we enter the world of crime fiction ones understanding is enhanced on traditional gender roles and begin to question ones reality beneath their façade thus challenging their perceptions through manipulation of dialogue and the juxtaposing of characters. Definitely a much better introduction compared to your last draft.


Topic sentence needed. Day enhances the naïve and innocent nature of women in today’s society by conforming to the feminist stereotype of Sally Villos; her angelic attitude with a ‘mask’ of makeup and attitude of an actress. Sally proves to be a femme fatale in the climax of ‘The Life and Crimes of Harry Lavender’ through the juxtaposition of sexuality and naivety “with the look of a beautiful but naughty child… playing with matches”, accentuating upon the significance of Sally’s deceptive façade, similar to that of her father, Harry Lavender. Day further explores this through the cliché of Sally, “a luxuriant mane face launch 1000 ships”, hence dispelling gender stereotypes (I feel that this sentence needs to be expanded a bit just because I feel that there’s so much more you can analyse within the evidence). Sally’s extravagant drinking, “Here’s to Mark, and she downed yet another tequila sunrise” reminds the audience of her immaturity and grieving façade that results from the loss of her lover (and? Please expand on this idea. Connect how her grieving facade proves that Sally is the femme fatale of the novel). Day further explores social criticism of expected gender roles through the oxymoronic adjectives, “a beautiful, made up face, a sophisticated child, cool and crying and laughing all in one breath, a liar, a tease…” establishing Sally as an extended metaphor for Sydney; her seductive and arguably, superficial personality mirroring valentines concerns about the changing landscape of her city. Day’s descriptive language in “eyes [opening] wide so the tears wouldn’t spill out onto her make up” reiterates the artifice of Villos as a “child of Sydney” (I personally don’t see the relevance of this sentence at all. It does back up what you’re saying but there just needs to be a deeper analysis of the quote). Thus, the characterisation of Sally Villos enhances an individual’s expectations of a woman’s role in society through her innocent nature; validating society’s stereotypical perceptions of women having high maintenance. Note for this paragraph: A lot of quotes mentioned but they haven’t been analysed quite enough. Rather than stopping after one sentence, you can always expand to two or three more sentences for your analysis. You’ve stated the obvious that, yes, Sally is a femme fatale and is an extended metaphor for Sydney, but what else can you mention? The ever changing facade of Sydney and Sally’s dual personalities present the idea that life is temporary. Or that women aren’t one dimensional like female stereotypes; rather they’re three dimensional individuals that reflects society’s values and decisions? Something to that extent. I really do feel that you can expand more. Just another layer of your analysis would push your mark up!


Topic sentence relating to thesis statement needed. Marele Day’s hard-boiled crime fiction challenges perception’s of women through navigation of Sydney’s obscured crime. The deliberate manipulation of gender roles brings the novel into the 21st century; unlike most crime fiction narratives, Claudia Valentine is skillfully presented in a deliberate non-gender specific manner through the use of first person narrative in conjunction with a simile; “I woke up feeling like death”, allowing the audience to reconsider their prior assumptions of the male gender of the character; hence challenging society’s perception of a woman’s inability of self-confidence (Love this! Need more of this!). Day further explores this by purposely allowing the audience to question their tendency to stereotype behaviour through her use of masculine clichés; evident within “the black suit was hanging in the wardrobe neatly pressed.” Conversely, the reader’s gender-based expectation beforehand is further dismantled through one’s realisation of the “blond” male one-night stand coupled with Claudia’s colloquialisms “babe” “sugar” and “honey”; satirising the pet names often given to women in intimate settings, thus foreshadowing Days idea of deception and revealing the “fools gold” Sydney hides (Further expansion needed because I like where you’re going BUT I reckon if you try and connect your ideas somehow to, not just how Sydney has the ability to fool people, but also how society can fool people too, therefore changing our perspective on the world- in the sense that we need to consider how the corrupt the world is and naivety won’t get you anywhere. Something to that extent I reckon.) Furthermore, the pun in her ability to “use [her] legs as a weapon” furthered in the idiom of “more than one way” highlighting on societies criticisms, however Valentine’s self-defensive prowess breaks down patriarchal attitudes towards women and their capabilities. Ultimately, Day utilises the key character of Claudia Valentine in order to challenge the contemporary Australian audience on traditional gender roles of women by allowing the character to embrace her sexuality; juxtaposing the conservative perceptions of women still anticipated today. Perfect.

Topic sentence relating to thesis statement needed. Day’s metanarrative nature of the text provides fragments of lives within Sydney, forcing readers to be aware of appearances, as they don’t always match reality. Day juxtaposes the many views of Sydney through the use of the extended metaphor and olfactory imagery of “the stench of lavender” as to reinforce the “inextricable link” between Harry Lavender and Sydney, highlighting his corruption and infection to the city and its inhabitants (and so? How does this exactly change our perspective on the world? This is a great direction you’re heading in but I would like to see something more to really beef it up). Lavender’s opening passage of unrestrained egotism and his belief in omniscience is delineated in the detailed hyperbolic outlook of his own funeral, “I am famous, a legend in my time, all of Sydney has turned out to pay homage”. The repetition of first person pronouns “I” and “me” portrays Lavender’s cancerous corruption he lays in, paradoxically conjoining how the effects of cancer has taken his body from the world and tattooed his legacy behind (Again, how does this enhance our understanding of the world. Not just the world of the novel. The world of OUR society). His simile “in death as in life, police allow smooth passage” further reveals the speaker’s facades and capabilities to corrupt all institutions for his own purposes as he sees himself as omnipotent (See previous comment). Additionally, Lavender comment, “it is my body crumbling, not city”, alluding to the harmful virus-cancer reality of Sydney and self. Hence, through the exposure of Harry Lavender’s many distressful facades, the reader is forced to accept the reality of Sydney and its many corrupted facades that become enhanced and resistant to justice.

Topic sentence relating to thesis statement needed. Day challenges the idea that appearances can be deceptive by exploiting facades as a metaphor to validate that everyone has something to hide. Day highlights the two facades of Claudia Valentine, her emotionless strength and task focus abilities juxtaposed with her feminine nature, desperate for stability that lurks behind her façade, complexity of character challenges previous one-dimensional representations in literature (in the literature or in society in general?). Day’s use of red herring misleads the reader into their thought of a standard stereotyped male private investigator. Claudia’s masculinity is furthered as “[her] legs are [her] best weapons”, highlighting upon Days view of women being strong and independent (expand more !!! You’re on the right track!!) . Later in the universal text, the idea of individuals being more complex than their façade is depicted through the unveiling of Claudia’s self to the Australian audience as a result of her relationship with her “angel” Steve. Claudia’s witty nature is challenged in her sexually liberated reference “I’ll slip into something more comfortable, like your bed” uncovering her attraction to Steve, revealing the true reality under the hard-boiled façade built upon herself (how does this challenge our opinions? You’ve mentioned her ‘sexually liberated reference’. You can expand on this and be like ‘because women in society, throughout history, have progressed and stuff as women’s rights have been recognise and blah blah blah) . Moreover, Day’s utilisation of the cynical tone “you’ve dived in before and found the waters murky and cold” portrays the effects Claudia’s past has on her personality and her scepticism on Steve’s honesty that shapes her outward appearance. Thus, through the distinctive voice of Claudia Valentine and her hidden truths, Day challenges the modern audiences’ sceptical view on facades, allowing her to critique social change.

In conclusion, the reader’s understanding of the world is altered by Days forceful engagement with her audience on the main concerns of social criticism of today’s society. The composer, Marele Day challenges the context and genre of her crime fiction novel ‘The Life and Crimes of Harry Lavender’ until this day by allowing the modern audience to question traditional gender roles and the motif of appearances being deceptive in showcasing the underlying criminality which hides ‘behind a false façade’ of the beautiful city of Sydney run by technology as an avenue for criminality, thus creating a complex, multilayered narrative. Good conclusion

Overall comments:

Really great and insightful comments into the characters and Sydney itself. Grammar, word choice and structure is great! I would give your essay a 16/20. To really get into the Band 6 range, I really do recommend to just EXPAND your ideas!!!! You're on the right track at how Claudia challenge female stereotypes or how Sydney changes facades a lot. But you just need to connect your ideas to society that's all. The question does ask how the text enhances and challenges our perspective on the world. Not just the world of the text, OUR world.

Good luck :)
« Last Edit: May 25, 2018, 11:05:57 am by beatroot »
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Olivia.daoud

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Re: HSC MOD B
« Reply #4 on: May 29, 2018, 07:03:05 pm »
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Hey, Thank you so much for the feedback it really helped, this is my edited version!! :) (Linked Below)

beatroot

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Re: HSC MOD B
« Reply #5 on: May 29, 2018, 08:05:37 pm »
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Hey, Thank you so much for the feedback it really helped, this is my edited version!! :) (Linked Below)

No worries!
Can't seem to find your edited version though :( Did you upload it?
Which will hold greater rule over you? Your fear or your curiosity?

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Olivia.daoud

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Re: HSC MOD B
« Reply #6 on: May 30, 2018, 04:38:01 pm »
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hey, so sorry this is it. thank you so much for your time btw!!! the attachment is below

Olivia.daoud

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Re: HSC MOD B
« Reply #7 on: May 31, 2018, 02:46:26 pm »
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Hey! my teacher told me to write about technology and how it encourages criminality in our world. So, do u think if i remove paragraph 4 and change it to technology it would be better or would it look odd as my first 2 paragraphs are on gender stereotypes while my third is facades then fourth criminality?? Thank you!!!

Olivia.daoud

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Re: HSC MOD B
« Reply #8 on: May 31, 2018, 10:34:06 pm »
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Hey, this is my final :)

beatroot

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Re: HSC MOD B
« Reply #9 on: June 07, 2018, 04:26:34 pm »
+2
Hey, this is my final :)

Hey Olivia! You can find my comments in bold in the spoiler below :)

Spoiler
How has your study the prescribed text enhanced or challenged our understanding of the world?
Sustain an argument throughout response

Social criticism has a significant impact upon today’s traditional gender roles and appearances in our world of crime fiction (Great thesis. Just not too sure about the crime fiction part. Also like mentioned previously, avoid using personal pronouns) . Marele Days 1980s contemporary crime fiction novel ‘The Life and Crimes of Harry Lavender’ is a murder mystery that alters modern audiences’ perception of Sydney through the complexity of appearances and deliberate manipulation of gender roles in our society that has been overruled by technology and criminality (YES!!). Day’s prose- fiction novel incorporates an antagonist and protagonist to accentuate upon gender assumptions and the deceptive nature of the world in the modern Australian society. Hence challenging the audiences’ perception of traditional gender roles and the deceptive nature of facades whilst entering our world of crime fiction. Fantastic introduction.

Social criticism on gender roles has intensified in our world as Day conforms to Sally Villos’ feminist nature (I can see your attempt at creating a topic sentence. However you mentioned the author’s name AND a character’s name; which is something you would do within your elaboration not your topic sentence.). Day enhances the naïve and innocent stereotype of women in today’s society through Sally’s angelic facade ‘masked’ with makeup and attitude of an actress, uncovering Sally’s reality to the audience. Moreover, Sally proves to be a femme fatale in the climax of ‘The Life and Crimes of Harry Lavender’ (either abbreviate the novel’s name TLACOHL or just don’t mention it at all. Assume the marker knows what novel Sally Villos is from) through the juxtaposition of sexuality and naivety “with the look of a beautiful but naughty child… playing with matches”, accentuating upon the significance of Sally’s deceptive nature, similar to that of her father, Harry Lavender. Day further explores this through the cliché of Sally, “a luxuriant mane face launch 1000 ships”; the lack of intellect shown, enables the audience to witness the dispelling of gender stereotypes in our world (I feel that you can also analyse the ships metaphor from the quote just because its obvious within the context but you haven’t addressed it in your analysis. The cliche technique is fine but the ships metaphor can make it better). Furthermore, Sally’s extravagant drinking, “Here’s to Mark, and she downed yet another tequila sunrise” reminds the reader of her immaturity that results from the loss of her lover, exposing her femme fatale reality in society (Tequila sunrise sounds like a fantastic metaphor/imagery to analyse. Extravagant drinking is NOT a technique). Day further explores social criticism of expected gender roles through the oxymoronic adjectives, “a beautiful, made up face, a sophisticated child, cool and crying and laughing all in one breath, a liar, a tease…” establishing Sally as an extended metaphor for Sydney; her seductive and arguably, superficial personality mirroring valentines concerns about the changing landscape of her city. Day’s descriptive language in “eyes [opening] wide so the tears wouldn’t spill out onto her make up” reiterates the artifice of Villos as a “child of Sydney”. Thus, the characterisation of Sally Villos enhances an individual’s expectations of a woman’s role in society through her innocent nature; validating society’s stereotypical perceptions of women having high maintenance. 

Marele Day (Don’t mention the author’s name in your topic sentence!) greatly challenges the contemporary reader’s perception of traditional gender roles in modern Sydney by her deliberate manipulation of gender roles, bringing the hard-boiled crime fiction into the 21st century. Claudia Valentine is skillfully presented in a deliberate non-gender specific manner through the use of first person narrative in conjunction with a simile; “I woke up feeling like death”. This quote allows the audience to reconsider their prior assumptions of the male personality of the character, challenging society’s perception of a woman’s inability to be self-confident (can ‘like death’ be further analysed? Perhaps the ‘death’ can refer to the ‘death of gender roles through Claudia’s characterisation, allowing for a further developed society etc.) Day further explores this by purposely accommodating the audience to question their tendency to stereotype behaviour through her use of masculine clichés: “the black suit was hanging in the wardrobe neatly pressed.” Conversely, the reader’s gender-based expectation beforehand is further dismantled through one’s realisation of the “blond” male one-night stand coupled with Claudia’s colloquialisms “babe” “sugar” and “honey”; satirising the pet names often given to women in intimate settings proving that naivety wont get people places in our (avoid using personal pronouns in an essay) world of corruption, thus foreshadowing Days idea of deception and revealing the “fools gold” our society hides, changing ones perspective on the world (Good. I need more analysis like this. Don’t be afraid to write a super long sentence!) . Furthermore, the pun in her ability to “use [her] legs as a weapon” furthered (*further, write within the present tense) in the idiom of “more than one way” highlighting on societies criticisms, however Valentine’s self-defensive prowess breaks down patriarchal attitudes towards women and their capabilities (and what can occur from the challenging of gender conventions?). Ultimately, Day utilises the key character of Claudia Valentine in order to challenge the contemporary Australian audience on traditional gender roles of women by allowing the character to embrace her sexuality; juxtaposing the conservative perceptions of women still anticipated today (Good.)


The character of Harry Lavender (Again don’t mention a character’s name within your topic sentence. Your topic sentence is meant to connect with your thesis and the question) is depicted to enhance the notion of facades, forcing readers to be aware of the deceiving nature of appearances in our modern world. Day’s metanarrative nature of the text provides fragments of lives within Sydney as she juxtaposes its many views through the use of the extended metaphor of “the stench of lavender”. Her use of olfactory imagery reinforces the “inextricable link” between Harry Lavender and Sydney, highlighting his corruption and infection to the city and its inhabitants; thus altering our perspective and enhancing the concern of criminality in our world. Moreover, Lavender’s opening passage of unrestrained egotism and his belief in omniscience is delineated in the detailed hyperbolic outlook of his own funeral, “I am famous, a legend in my time, all of Sydney has turned out to pay homage”. The repetition of“ I” and “me” portrays Lavender’s cancerous corruption he lays in, paradoxically conjoining how the effects of cancer has taken his body from the world and tattooed his legacy behind. Additionally, the use of first person pronouns enhances the readers understanding on the world of crime Harry Lavender has left us behind. Also, his simile “in death as in life, police allow smooth passage” further reveals the speaker’s facades and capabilities to corrupt all institutions for his own purposes as he sees himself as omnipotent, moulding the reader’s world with deception. (Perfect. I prefer how you dug into EVERY quote in your analysis and just kept digging and digging. Rather than doing small analysis for one quote multiple times in a paragraph. It looks more sophisticated this way.) Moreover, Lavender’s comment, “it is my body crumbling, not city”, alludes to the harmful virus-cancer reality of self, altering the Australian audiences’ perception of glamorous Sydney (and so what if our views of the glamorous Sydney is challenged? I feel like you can further expand on this). Hence, through the exposure of Harry Lavender’s many distressful facades, the reader is forced to accept the reality of Sydney and its many corrupted facades that become enhanced and resistant to justice.

Day (don’t mention Day in your topic sentence) challenges the idea of appearances being more complex by validating the true reality of Claudia Valentine’s hard-boiled, metaphorical façade. Day highlights the two facades of Claudia Valentine, her emotionless strength and task focus abilities juxtaposed with her complex feminine nature, lurking behind her façade, desperate for stability, challenging the audiences’ previous one-dimensional representations in society as a whole. Day’s use of red herring misleads the reader into their thought of a standard stereotyped male private investigator. Furthered in Claudia’s masculinity as“[her] legs are [her] best weapon”, accentuating upon Days view of women being strong and independent, she becomes a mouthpiece for reshaping accepted thinking (You can possibly juxtapose this quote with ‘I don’t carry a gun like my cowboy colleagues’ It just shows that women don’t need to rely on weaponry to determine their self worth. The men in the novel, rely on guns to reaffirm their masculinity and protect themselves.)  Later in the universal text, the idea of individuals being more complex than their façade is depicted through the unveiling of Claudia’s self to the Australian audience as a result of her relationship with her “angel” Steve. Claudia’s witty nature is challenged in her sexually liberated reference “I’ll slip into something more comfortable, like your bed” uncovering her attraction to Steve, challenging the true reality under the hard-boiled façade built upon herself, as throughout history, women rights have been recognised by society. Moreover, Day’s utilisation of the cynical tone “you’ve dived in before and found the waters murky and cold” portrays the effects Claudia’s past has on her personality and her scepticism on Steve’s honesty that shapes her outward appearance revealed to the reader (is there anything else you would like to add to this analysis? Possibly add something about women’s independence from men?). Thus, through the distinctive voice of Claudia Valentine and her hidden truths, Day challenges the modern audiences’ sceptical view on facades and the underbelly of Sydney, allowing her to critique social change.


In conclusion, the reader’s understanding of the world is notably altered through Days forceful engagement with the reader on social criticism and its effect in today’s society. The composer, Marele Day challenges the context and genre of her crime fiction novel ‘The Life and Crimes of Harry Lavender’ until this day. Through the complex nature of appearances being deceptive, Day is able to uncover the crime-centered underbelly that lays beneath Sydney’s striking façade as well as the gender stereotypes that have been placed upon women in our society. Thus, creating a complex, multilayered narrative run by a city of technology as an avenue of its criminality. (Good.)


Which will hold greater rule over you? Your fear or your curiosity?

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Olivia.daoud

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Re: HSC MOD B
« Reply #10 on: June 07, 2018, 10:10:13 pm »
+2
THANK YOU SO SO MUCH! Your feedback really helped, i appreciate it :)