ATAR Notes: Forum
VCE Stuff => VCE English Studies => VCE Subjects + Help => VCE English Work Submission and Marking => Topic started by: FlorianK on August 15, 2012, 10:01:35 pm
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thx brenden
I changed some of the points you pointed out.
'These stories explore the impact on ordinary people of major events in their lives'
Jhumpa Lahiri’s anthology of short stories explores in great detail the impact of major events on ordinary people’s lives. Throughout the collection of short stories “Interpreter of Maladies”, many of the characters experience issues that change their lives, whether it is due to loss or due to migration.
Lahiri’s anthology depicts how loss of somebody loved can have an immense impact on someone’s life. In the first of the nine short stories “A Temporary Matter”, the married couple, Shoba and Shukumar had a still born baby. This major event changes the way they life their live and how they act towards each other. Before the child’s death the first generation Indian-Americans were a happily married couple. Both of them dreamed about the child growing up and how they would have “to cart their children back and forth from music lessons and dentist appointments”. They took pictures of Shoba when she was pregnant. Moreover Shoba used to dress up nicely and the once happily married couple used to eat together, Shoba even dated her recipes “telling the first time they had eaten the dish together”, but now they “had become experts at avoiding each other”. The first day after she came back from the hospital, trying to process the death of her child, “she [picked] out objects of theirs and [tossed] them into a pile”. Additionally she throws herself into work, in order to release her grief. The former strong relationship was symbolized by the food they would have together, however now they stopped eating together, instead “they’d served themselves from the stove”. Furthermore Shoba doesn’t care anymore about how she looks; she wasn’t “like this before”. The loss of their child made a huge impact on their life. The relationship weakened, deep sadness was felt and the couple nearly broke apart. The loss of somebody loved, especially if it’s someone’s own child, can be a major event that can lead to deep grief and have an immense impact on their life.
Lahiri's juxtaposition of the not only loss, but gain of loved ones serves to highlight the ways in which such experiences can act as a catalyst for positive or negative change. The central character of the story “The Treatment of Bibi Haldar” is Bibi Haldar, who suffers “from an ailment that baffled, friends, priests, palmists, spinserts, gem therapists, prophets, and fools”. She has a really unpleasant life, kept away from the outside world. Throughout the day she has to sit “in the storage room on the roof, a space in which one could sit, but not comfortably stand”. Bibi, doesn’t have a job, no friends, nobody who truly cares for her and nobody she cares for. Two major events happen, which have a life-changing impact. At first her cousin and his wife move away, which means that she is not exiled anymore and she is “free to discover life as [she] please”. Furthermore the community starts to “surround her” and help her “if she ever needed advice or aid of any kind”. Secondly she gets pregnant, it is not important to know if she became pregnant due to somebody abusing her or due to a one-night-stand, which lead from the advertisement of herself in the newspaper “GIRL, UNSTABLE, HEIGHT 152 CENTIMERS, SEEKS HUSBANDS ”. After the birth of the son, her life changed completely. Now she was running the shop, which her cousin used to own. Additionally and most important she was caring for her son, the community taught her “how to feed him, and bathe him, and lull him to sleep”. After being deserted by her cousin and giving birth her live had a sense again. She wasn’t the person anymore, who spends the day alone, isolated from the outside world in a tiny room. In addition she didn’t have any attacks anymore. “She was, to the best of our knowledge, cured.”
Ultimately, Lahiri’s collection of short stories shows the great impact of migration on the life of ordinary people. Certainly we can see the negative effect of migration on Mrs. Sen’s life. Not trying to assimilate herself to her new environments, but trying to shape her life like at home, “when Mrs Sen said home, she meant India”. The fact that her arranged husband does not try to introduce her to the American culture, besides half-forcing her to drive, is exacerbating her exclusion. Migration can cause a great reduction of friends. In India Mrs. Sen was not alone, she would’ve only need to “raise [her] voice a bit” and the whole neighbourhood would come “to share the news and help with arrangements”, when there would be a wedding she would “sit in an enormous circle on the roof of [her] building, laughing and gossiping and slicing fifty kilos of vegetables through the night.” However, after she came to America she became lonely without anybody surrounding her, loving her. Another example of the negative effects of migration is Boori Ma, a refugee from Bengal, who is experiencing immense poverty and isolation. It is difficult to establish whether or not she had a family before she moved to Calcutta. Nevertheless now she is experiencing exclusion to a great extent. Forced to migrate, her quality of life reduced drastically. Compared to Mrs. Sen and Boori Ma, whose life became worse after moving countries, the protagonist of “The Third and Final Continent” is improving his living conditions by moving to another country. He left India with “the equivalent, in those days, of ten dollars”. Not being one of the richest citizens of India, he had to sleep in a “third-class cabin next to the ship’s engine”. First he moves to London where he stays in his culture living with other “Bengali Bachelors”, from there he moves to America. The first-person narrator tries to adapt to the American culture. His change in diet is the clearest marker of his change. “In the end I bought a small carton of milk and a box of cornflakes. This was my first meal in America, I ate it at my desk.” Being an everyman he is still able to achieve belonging and happiness on the other side of the world. Migration can be a blessing and a curse, it can lead into loneliness and into losing everything, however it can also improve someone’s living conditions and bring happiness.
Lahiri’s compilation of short stories, ‘Interpreter of Maladies”, exemplifies the impact of major events in the life of ordinary people. The characters experience how the loss or the gain of somebody loved can change their lives. Additionally Lahiri shows how migration can improve or worsen someone’s life. If the result is feeling grief, being lonely, living in poverty, being cured or achieving happiness and belonging in everybody’s life there are life changing moments.
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Well I'm not really confident in offering too much feedback 'cause for all I know I'll tell you all the wrong things. I think it's a solid essay. Two things that stuck out for me is the topic sentence of your second paragraph - "Not only losing somebody loved, but also having somebody loved come into your life can be a non-forgettable event that can change your life completely and can even cure illnesses."
Whilst it relates to the paragraph the sentence in itself seems more of a 'state the obvious' sort of statement rather than setting up analysis (no offence intended). I haven't read the text but perhaps something closer to "Lahiri's juxtaposition of the loss and gain of loved ones serves to highlight the ways in which such experiences can act as a catalyst for positive or negative change" and then continue with Bibi Haldar. (NB: meant purely as an example as I haven't read the text. The difference between the sentences is that mine lends itself to what is soon to be analysed and as a stand-alone sentence an assessor would probably know what's coming, whereas with the original sentence it could be interpreted in a few ways. (Just my two cents though, someone, please correct me lol)
The only other thing that stuck out enough for me to say something was "After being ditched by her cousin" - seems incongruous among the formal writing. I'd replace it with 'deserted'.
Sorry I can't be of more help, but your writing is solid enough that I can't really pick things out to blatantly improve confidently (you probably write better than I do)
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'These stories explore the impact on ordinary people of major events in their lives'
Some brief critiques:
Jhumpa Lahiri’s anthology of short stories explores in great detail the impact of major events on ordinary people’s lives. Throughout the collection of short stories “Interpreter of Maladies”, many of the characters experience issues that change their lives, whether it is due to loss or due to migration.
Underline title of collection to avoid confusion with the titular story. Too short, build upon ideas and tidy up structure.
Lahiri’s anthology depicts how loss of somebody loved can have an immense impact on someone’s life. In the first of the nine short stories “A Temporary Matter”, the married couple, Shoba and Shukumar had a still born baby. This major event changes the way they life their live and how they act towards each other. Before the child’s death the first generation Indian-Americans were a happily married couple. Both of them dreamed about the child growing up and how they would have “to cart their children back and forth from music lessons and dentist appointments”. They took pictures of Shoba when she was pregnant. Moreover Shoba used to dress up nicely and the once happily married couple used to eat together, Shoba even dated her recipes “telling the first time they had eaten the dish together”, but now they “had become experts at avoiding each other”. The first day after she came back from the hospital, trying to process the death of her child, “she [picked] out objects of theirs and [tossed] them into a pile”. Additionally she throws herself into work, in order to release her grief. The former strong relationship was symbolized by the food they would have together, however now they stopped eating together, instead “they’d served themselves from the stove”. Furthermore Shoba doesn’t care anymore about how she looks; she wasn’t “like this before”. The loss of their child made a huge impact on their life. The relationship weakened, deep sadness was felt and the couple nearly broke apart. The loss of somebody loved, especially if it’s someone’s own child, can be a major event that can lead to deep grief and have an immense impact on their life.
Avoid the trap of storytelling and choose examples selectively. Use more metalanguage and relate all examples back to the topic and key idea. Good quoting.
Lahiri's juxtaposition of the not only loss, but gain of loved ones serves to highlight the ways in which such experiences can act as a catalyst for positive or negative change. The central character of the story “The Treatment of Bibi Haldar” is Bibi Haldar, who suffers “from an ailment that baffled, friends, priests, palmists, spinserts, gem therapists, prophets, and fools”. She has a really unpleasant life, kept away from the outside world. Throughout the day she has to sit “in the storage room on the roof, a space in which one could sit, but not comfortably stand”. Bibi, doesn’t have a job, no friends, nobody who truly cares for her and nobody she cares for. Two major events happen, which have a life-changing impact. At first her cousin and his wife move away, which means that she is not exiled anymore and she is “free to discover life as [she] please”. Furthermore the community starts to “surround her” and help her “if she ever needed advice or aid of any kind”. Secondly she gets pregnant, it is not important to know if she became pregnant due to somebody abusing her or due to a one-night-stand, which lead from the advertisement of herself in the newspaper “GIRL, UNSTABLE, HEIGHT 152 CENTIMERS, SEEKS HUSBANDS ”. After the birth of the son, her life changed completely. Now she was running the shop, which her cousin used to own. Additionally and most important she was caring for her son, the community taught her “how to feed him, and bathe him, and lull him to sleep”. After being deserted by her cousin and giving birth her live had a sense again. She wasn’t the person anymore, who spends the day alone, isolated from the outside world in a tiny room. In addition she didn’t have any attacks anymore. “She was, to the best of our knowledge, cured.”
Same issues as the first paragraph. Linking/concluding statement should be broad and should not name characters/events. Also more reference to Lahiri and how she constructs meaning is needed. What views/values is she communicating and what is the relation to the prompt?
Ultimately, Lahiri’s collection of short stories shows the great impact of migration on the life of ordinary people. Certainly we can see the negative effect of migration on Mrs. Sen’s life. Not trying to assimilate herself to her new environments, but trying to shape her life like at home, “when Mrs Sen said home, she meant India”. The fact that her arranged husband does not try to introduce her to the American culture, besides half-forcing her to drive, is exacerbating her exclusion. Migration can cause a great reduction of friends. In India Mrs. Sen was not alone, she would’ve only need to “raise [her] voice a bit” and the whole neighbourhood would come “to share the news and help with arrangements”, when there would be a wedding she would “sit in an enormous circle on the roof of [her] building, laughing and gossiping and slicing fifty kilos of vegetables through the night.” However, after she came to America she became lonely without anybody surrounding her, loving her. Another example of the negative effects of migration is Boori Ma, a refugee from Bengal, who is experiencing immense poverty and isolation. It is difficult to establish whether or not she had a family before she moved to Calcutta. Nevertheless now she is experiencing exclusion to a great extent. Forced to migrate, her quality of life reduced drastically. Compared to Mrs. Sen and Boori Ma, whose life became worse after moving countries, the protagonist of “The Third and Final Continent” is improving his living conditions by moving to another country. He left India with “the equivalent, in those days, of ten dollars”. Not being one of the richest citizens of India, he had to sleep in a “third-class cabin next to the ship’s engine”. First he moves to London where he stays in his culture living with other “Bengali Bachelors”, from there he moves to America. The first-person narrator tries to adapt to the American culture. His change in diet is the clearest marker of his change. “In the end I bought a small carton of milk and a box of cornflakes. This was my first meal in America, I ate it at my desk.” Being an everyman he is still able to achieve belonging and happiness on the other side of the world. Migration can be a blessing and a curse, it can lead into loneliness and into losing everything, however it can also improve someone’s living conditions and bring happiness.
Write in more active voice, eg change 'is improving' to 'improves'. This will improve your expression in the essay. Again, more reference to Lahiri. Also try to nominalise some of the words in the essay, eg instead of saying 'First he moves to London...' as this sounds like a storytelling, but change the 'moves' into a noun and say 'The narrator's move to London...' because this will force you to analyse!!! Another example, avoid saying 'depicts' or 'explores' all the time in their verb form, say 'Lahiri's depiction of...' and use the noun form as well, because you will be forced to analyse the idea. A little trick :)
Lahiri’s compilation of short stories, ‘Interpreter of Maladies”, exemplifies the impact of major events in the life of ordinary people. The characters experience how the loss or the gain of somebody loved can change their lives. Additionally Lahiri shows how migration can improve or worsen someone’s life. If the result is feeling grief, being lonely, living in poverty, being cured or achieving happiness and belonging in everybody’s life there are life changing moments.
Too short!
Overall comments: All in all, a good essay however it is lacking in depth and length. More relation to the topic and author is required. More metalanguage, and also remember to talk about language techniques wherever you can. It is like how we have to talk about film techniques in a film text response. More analysis and less ramble.
Score: 7.5/10