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March 28, 2024, 09:47:39 pm

Author Topic: English Language essay submission and marking  (Read 224640 times)  Share 

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exit

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Re: English Language essay submission and marking
« Reply #225 on: May 22, 2017, 07:06:25 pm »
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Anyone who knows what they're doing willing to give me feedback for my first essay on identity?
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lillianmaher

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Re: English Language essay submission and marking
« Reply #226 on: May 29, 2017, 02:45:46 pm »
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Hello, I'd really appreciate it if someone could please look through my analytical commentary on Metro Trains Customer Service Charter and give me some feedback as to how and where I can improve. Thanks in advance!

Analytical Commentary- Metro Trains
Metro Trains Customer Service Chatter is a written brochure outlining Metro’s services and responsibilities to customers, and also informing customers of their responsibilities whilst travelling on Metro. The brochure maintains a formal register throughout, in order to maintain power and display their authority. The audience is the customers, however, also the employees of Metro, and the wider public. The semantic field of the brochure is travel, in particular train travel, however, it also incorporates lexemes from the corporate field.
The lexical and semantic features in the text play a significant role in the development of the formal register, in particular in eliminating any possible lexical ambiguity, and achieving the overall function which is to inform. The use of subject specific lexis, particularly in the form of adjectives, such as ‘travel experience’ L24, ‘Transport operators’ L54, ‘warning bells’ L69 and ‘platform attendants’ L71, help to clarify the meanings of the following nouns. These adjectives make the nouns used specific to the semantic field of travel, and removes any possible ambiguity of the meanings of the nouns by clarifying the context in which they are being used. This contributes to the formal register by ensuring the text can only be understood in the one way which Metro are trying to communicate. The use of auxiliary modal verbs throughout the text assist in the achievement of the overall function of the text which is to inform of the responsibilities of Metro and travellers. The use of these auxiliary modal verbs, such as, ‘will’ in ‘will do all we can’ L13 and ‘Metro will take its place’ L21, express to the audience what it is that Metro itself will do, showing their responsibilities. However, modal auxiliary verbs are also used to show what Metro expects travellers to do, such as, ‘must’ in ‘entitlement must be carried’ L57 , ‘entitlement must be produced by the customer’ L59-60 and ‘tickets must not be transferred.’
There are also many syntactical features which assist in the achievement of the function, and maintain the formal register including nominalisation, parallelism and the sentence types. The use of nominalisation increases the efficiency of the text, and also increases the formality, as it is not concerned with building rapport with the audience. From the beginning of the text until the end, nominalisation is used as a way of reducing the amount of lexemes required to present the information. On line 7, ‘our commitment’ is used, where it would have otherwise have read, ‘we are committed to,’ meaning that less lexemes are used, to convey the same meaning. Nominalisation is seen throughout the text on lines 13, 22, 55, 67 and 71, and these examples all have the same function; to increase the efficiency of the text. Parallelism is also used throughout the text, most notably in line 27, 31, 33, 35, 36 and 37, where the sentences all begin with, ‘We will…’ This creates a rhythm within the text, allowing the audience to have a clear expectation of the responsibilities of Metro. This parallelism also contributes to the logical ordering within the text, as the responsibilities are listed together, and also contributes to the achievement of the function.
The coherence and cohesion within the text is achieved through a number of features. Coherence is achieved through the logical ordering, of an introduction, followed by a description of the responsibilities of Metro and then the responsibilities of customers which ensures that the text is easily to follow, interpret and to understand. The formatting of the text involves bold sub headings which ensures that the different sections can be easily identified, also contributing to the coherence.  Cohesion is achieved through the lexical choices, of lexemes from the appropriate semantic field of travel, as well as the repetition of key elements, such as Metro’s responsibilities listed individually beginning with ‘We will…’ through the text.

Joseph41

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Re: English Language essay submission and marking
« Reply #227 on: May 29, 2017, 02:59:11 pm »
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Hey lillianmaher! :) Feedback (in red) below. :)

Hello, I'd really appreciate it if someone could please look through my analytical commentary on Metro Trains Customer Service Charter and give me some feedback as to how and where I can improve. Thanks in advance! Would you happen to have the text anywhere? That would probably make feedback easier. :)

Analytical Commentary- Metro Trains
Metro Trains Customer Service Chatter is a written brochure outlining Metro’s services and responsibilities to customers, and also informing customers of their responsibilities whilst travelling on Metro. Good context here provided in terms of what the text actually is. My personal preference would be to conclude the first sentence after "customers", and have the next sentence dedicated explicitly to function of the text. At the moment, the function (correct me if I'm mistaken) seems to be alluded to (so, to inform), but not explicitly noted. The brochure maintains a formal register throughout, in order to maintain power and display their authority. Whose authority? I assume Metro, but try to be as specific and clear as possible. The audience is the customers, however, also the employees of Metro, and the wider public. I'd consider re-phrasing this sentence. Perhaps something like: "The primary audience is customers of Metro Trains; however, employees and others may also read the brochure." I'm not sure exactly, but what you have at the moment feels a little clunky to me. The semantic field of the brochure is travel, in particular train travel, however, it also incorporates lexemes from the corporate field. Overall, a nice introduction! :) You've mentioned mode, function (although perhaps not explicitly), register and audience. I don't have any major qualms, here!

The lexical and semantic features in the text play a significant role in the development of the formal register, in particular in eliminating any possible lexical ambiguity, and achieving the overall function which is to inform. Something I've noticed a lot recently (just in general) is a tendency for long sentences. I find shorter sentences much easier to read. As such, I'd split this up - perhaps a sentence break after "register", and then start the new sentence with "In particular..." It's definitely a minor (and stylistic) point, but IMO it has a considerable impact in terms of readability. In terms of what you've actually said, I think this is a good topic sentence - you've very clearly outlined the subsystem(s) you'll be discussing. :) The use of subject-specific lexis, particularly in the form of adjectives, such as ‘travel experience’ L24, ‘Transport operators’ L54, ‘warning bells’ L69 and ‘platform attendants’ L71, I'd probably chuck these examples in brackets. Also, without context, it's a little difficult to know for sure whether or not these are actually adjectives (like, it may be the case that they're just collective noun phrases) - but I'll back you haha help to clarify the meanings of the following nouns. These adjectives make the nouns used specific to the semantic field of travel, and removes ("remove" is more appropriate here, for subject-verb agreement) any possible ambiguity of the meanings of the nouns by clarifying the context in which they are being used. This contributes to the formal register by ensuring the text can only be understood in the one way which Metro are trying to communicate. Yeah, avoiding ambiguity is definitely an important point here. The use of auxiliary modal verbs throughout the text assists in the achievement of the overall function of the text which is to inform of the responsibilities of Metro and travellers. The use of these auxiliary modal verbs, such as, ‘will’ in ‘will do all we can’ L13 and ‘Metro will take its place’ L21, express to the audience what it is that Metro itself will do, showing their responsibilities. Why these modals in particular, though? Why "will" instead of "may", for example? However, modal auxiliary verbs are also used to show what Metro expects travellers to do, such as, ‘must’ in ‘entitlement must be carried’ L57 , ‘entitlement must be produced by the customer’ L59-60 and ‘tickets must not be transferred.’ Similarly, these strong auxiliaries denote some sort of certainty. But yep, good point. :)

There are also many syntactical features which assist in the achievement of the function, and maintain the formal register including nominalisation, parallelism and the sentence types. Nice topic sentence. I also like how you're structuring this (subsystem by subsystem). The use of nominalisation increases the efficiency of the text, and also increases the formality, as it is not concerned with building rapport with the audience. From the beginning of the text until the end, nominalisation is used as a way of reducing the amount ("number" is more accurate, but this is a ridiculously small point lol) of lexemes required to present the information. On line 7, ‘our commitment’ is used, where it would have otherwise have read, ‘we are committed to,’ meaning that less (technically, "fewer" - again, a minor point) lexemes are used, to convey the same meaning. Nominalisation has effects other than efficiency, though - do you think any of these are relevant? Nominalisation is seen throughout the text on lines 13, 22, 55, 67 and 71, and these examples all have the same function: to increase the efficiency of the text. [color=I think the piece would benefit from a couple more examples, further to the relevant line numbers.[/color] Parallelism is also used throughout the text, most notably in line 27, 31, 33, 35, 36 and 37, where the sentences all begin with, ‘We will…’ Nice! This creates a rhythm within the text, allowing the audience to have a clear expectation of the responsibilities of Metro. This parallelism also contributes to the logical ordering within the text, as the responsibilities are listed together, and also contributes to the achievement of the function. How does parallelism contribute to the function?

The coherence and cohesion within the text is achieved through a number of features. Coherence is achieved through the logical ordering, of an introduction, followed by a description of the responsibilities of Metro and then the responsibilities of customers which ensures that the text is easily to follow, interpret and to understand. Yep! :) The formatting of the text involves bold sub headings which ensures that the different sections can be easily identified, also contributing to the coherence.  Cohesion is achieved through the lexical choices, of lexemes from the appropriate semantic field of travel, as well as the repetition of key elements, such as Metro’s responsibilities listed individually beginning with ‘We will…’ through the text.


Overall, really nice work. :)

Anyone who knows what they're doing willing to give me feedback for my first essay on identity?

Hey exit!

Sorry - not sure how I missed this post. :-\ But yep, definitely willing!
« Last Edit: May 29, 2017, 03:24:57 pm by Joseph41 »

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lillianmaher

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Re: English Language essay submission and marking
« Reply #228 on: May 29, 2017, 04:37:17 pm »
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Hey lillianmaher! :) Feedback (in red) below. :)

Overall, really nice work. :)

Thank you so much for your feedback! I really appreciate it- thanks again!

Joseph41

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Re: English Language essay submission and marking
« Reply #229 on: May 29, 2017, 04:40:47 pm »
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Thank you so much for your feedback! I really appreciate it- thanks again!

Not a problem at all! :) Let me know if anything didn't make sense, or if I wasn't helpful in a particular area (and I'll try to give better feedback haha). :)

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cmorri99

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Re: English Language essay submission and marking
« Reply #230 on: June 05, 2017, 06:27:47 pm »
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Hey!
Did a practice essay on social harmony and political correctness.
The question was 'Political correctness only affects the language people use; it completely fails to alter the attitudes behind the language'. Discuss.
If someone would like to give feedback that would be great!

Joseph41

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Re: English Language essay submission and marking
« Reply #231 on: June 05, 2017, 07:20:22 pm »
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Hey!
Did a practice essay on social harmony and political correctness.
The question was 'Political correctness only affects the language people use; it completely fails to alter the attitudes behind the language'. Discuss.
If someone would like to give feedback that would be great!

Hey cmorri99! Welcome to ATAR Notes. ;D

Just so you know, I've started marking this essay. I'm about halfway through, so I'll try to finish it off tomorrow! Looking good thus far. :)

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cmorri99

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Re: English Language essay submission and marking
« Reply #232 on: June 05, 2017, 07:31:08 pm »
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Thanks joseph41! Much appreciated!  ;D

Joseph41

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Re: English Language essay submission and marking
« Reply #233 on: June 06, 2017, 09:32:45 am »
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Hey hey. :)

So I've attached some feedback - overall, really great job! ;D An enjoyable essay. I've seen this essay topic before, and I honestly think it's one of the harder ones; differentiating language and attitudes can sometimes be extremely difficult. :-\

Writing style was generally pretty good. On the whole, I'd recommend shortening your sentences. At the moment, it feels a little convoluted - and that makes it more difficult to read. I liked how you brought in external examples to back up what you were saying. To make it even better, you could also bring in some quotes from linguists or public figures. :)

I hope the feedback on the document attached is helpful! Well done! :D

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cmorri99

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Re: English Language essay submission and marking
« Reply #234 on: June 07, 2017, 09:06:36 pm »
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Thanks Joseph41, your'e a legend!!  ;D Appreciate the feedback!

exit

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Re: English Language essay submission and marking
« Reply #235 on: June 08, 2017, 03:40:29 pm »
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Hey, formal analytical commentary tomorrow (friday). Please correct my analytical commentary as soon as possible :)

It is on text 5 of the Kirsten Fox Exam Guide (analytical commentary section) - Metro Trains :DD
« Last Edit: June 08, 2017, 04:22:48 pm by exit »
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Joseph41

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Re: English Language essay submission and marking
« Reply #236 on: June 08, 2017, 04:01:39 pm »
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Hey, formal analytical commentary tomorrow (friday). Please correct my analytical commentary as soon as possible :)

It is on text 5 of the Kirsten Fox Exam Guide (analytical commentary section) - Metro Trains :DD

Hey exit!

Best of luck for your SAC. :) Brief feedback attached (keeping in mind I haven't actually read the text).

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exit

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Re: English Language essay submission and marking
« Reply #237 on: June 08, 2017, 04:29:12 pm »
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Hey exit!

Best of luck for your SAC. :) Brief feedback attached (keeping in mind I haven't actually read the text).

Thanks so much for the feedback! :D

Really useful. I guess I need to create a clear wall and distinction between informative and persuasive techniques and ensure I don't rush my sentences too much, especially when I type.

Thanks once again!
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VCE English Language: A+ Short Answer Guide[pm for extra guidance!]

Joseph41

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Re: English Language essay submission and marking
« Reply #238 on: June 08, 2017, 04:32:42 pm »
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Thanks so much for the feedback! :D

Really useful. I guess I need to create a clear wall and distinction between informative and persuasive techniques and ensure I don't rush my sentences too much, especially when I type.

Thanks once again!

No problem at all! Let us know how the SAC goes. ;D

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exit

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Re: English Language essay submission and marking
« Reply #239 on: June 09, 2017, 10:42:48 pm »
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No problem at all! Let us know how the SAC goes. ;D

The SAC today went well! A novel extract which was unexpected and not many people practiced it but I think I pulled off something decent, although messy due to lots of editing :p
VCE [ATAR: 99.25]: Physics 1/2, English 1/2, EngLang,Methods, Spesh, Accounting, Chem, German

2018-2021: Bachelor Of Commerce @ University of Melbourne
VCE English Language: A+ Short Answer Guide[pm for extra guidance!]