HSC Journal- The Final Years of School

[clovvy]

Some things I don't quite understand is why the school is really trying to keep me in...

[jamonwindeyer]

Some things I don't quite understand is why the school is really trying to keep me in...

They are looking out for what they believe are your best interests. As are your parents, as is everyone who will be involved in this sort of decision.

Maintain a dialogue, with your parents and the school. At the very least this will put across the issues you are currently experiencing, so that they can hopefully improve.

If you are really keen for the change, then don't drop it until either:

a) You get it
b) You are happy that you've got plans in place to stay at school and make the situation better

[clovvy]

They are looking out for what they believe are your best interests. As are your parents, as is everyone who will be involved in this sort of decision.

Maintain a dialogue, with your parents and the school. At the very least this will put across the issues you are currently experiencing, so that they can hopefully improve.

If you are really keen for the change, then don't drop it until either:

a) You get it
b) You are happy that you've got plans in place to stay at school and make the situation better

True, however if I want to drop out it has to be done ASAP...

[clovvy]

Because of the complicated situation and how there are people not wanting me to drop out, I decided to not decide in the meantime and will attend the class at TAFE for research purposes....  Since I am no longer comfortable to come to class at school, I want to make sure that TAFE is not worse or 'not that great' if I were to decide on it...  I know that many people said that it is a waste to drop out, however the decision is really up to me...  I know for a fact that TAFE will go through everything like 1.5-2x a lot faster.....  I have weigh out pros and cons..  Today will be the last day of 'class-testing'...  I will have to look into it myself

[AngelWings]

Hey Clovvy,

I won't say I know what it is like to be in your position, but I am happy that you have recognised and are currently in the process of solving the issue at hand. I want to congratulate you on your active problem solving in a positive manner. I can only hope that only good things will happen to you and wish you all the best, as well as offer my support to you while you choose your path. Regardless of your choice, you will have the unconditional support of the AN community and we will rally behind your choice of schooling no matter what.

AngelWings

[clovvy]

A lot of things have happened since the last time I posted here, however I chose to not spam the feed with my posts as the story is roughly similar most of the time..  Now I have lost about 4 or 5 weeks after the half yearlies as my mind succumbs to negativity and being constantly bogged down..  I was also on the verge of giving up altogether and jump off a cliff or stab myself (which is why I end up in hospital to begin with)- thankfully though I am getting support from people around me and this have prevented me from doing it (apart from non-fatal self-harm).. 

To keep it short, the HSC is not meant the end all (I am aware of that)..  But to me it really means a lot somehow as it can act as a redeeming factor of some sort...  This mindset doesn't help yet I obsess over it..  Sometimes I do wonder if I am doing the HSC for the wrong reasons.

Tomorrow the whole school will attend the careers expo and I will be there..  I am looking forward to checking up on AN and other places in there..  Also I need to find another purpose of doing this HSC to begin with (like I don't hate my subjects, I just cannot work with the system it seems)..  I might want to ask something in another forum..

[clovvy]

I guess I haven't updated my journal for a very long time since all I can do is rant and break over a long period of time, since I can handle my failures a little bit better I think I can work around things I screw up.... Anyway enough about my crap, let's go on with actual stories (yes I may be posting about stuff that happen way back (so not in chronological order)... For now it is going to be about the Careers expo and the experience I had with the 2 day visit (I will conclude with my overall opinion and experience)

1 June 2018
This is the day where ALL of my yr 12 cohort visited the careers expo... so the plan is everyone gets there together by 9:40... because of that my maths teacher decided to run the 4U maths class in the morning which finishes at 8:50... I went there with my buddy since he was also in that class (just 2 of us doing 4U), went down to kingsford and caught a 393 (I avoid tapping the opal and manage to get away with it haha)... From there I get some brochures from UNSW and UTS discuss with them about the courses that I wanted to do (though unfortunately all of the UNSW student ambassador that I spoke to cannot answer my question 'why advanced maths and advanced science cannot be combined together', I was able to extract some information about the courses that they are doing and get some new perspectives about them... (I also visited the AN area that day and I saw Susie and Isaac at the counter, and I mistook someone as naomi (can't remember who it was though haha).... and I visited the maths association nsw and get some info about info sessions they are running... Later on I visited the Defence Force area, where I get to experience the flight simulators...

To me, the most interesting out of all is the time I spend in the Defence Force area, there I get to use a helicopter simulator and it was something I am totally unfamiliar with and with my first attempt I crashed every minute (I was fully unaware that helicopters does not have any brakes).... and I am not used to the way the whole thing works (it is a totally different feeling to flying a helicopter in video games like cod black ops for example)..... Then I decided to let others have a go..... After roughly half an hour, watching other people doing it I am starting to realise that most people don't make it because they panic as they tried to land or panic as they do not know what to do next.... From there I decided to learn a little bit more about the controls, tell myself to calm down and not panic..... and have another go.. This time I did not crash and I was able to follow the objectives (like spin the helicopter, flight it higher or lower... ). Everything was good until I realise my helicopter flies backwards when I tried to get it go forward... there I realise that helicopters have to face 'downwards' for it to move 'forward... unfortunately before I could land the helicopter the time runs out as 'I failed to land on time'..... This is not something you get to experience on a daily basis.... I mean playing around with approx $4-10 million simulator (also used by the military) is really awesome.... the flight simulator experience tells a few things about myself: 1. I am an anxious person 2. I am highly impatient, and that have cost me a lot of things 3. Most of my screw up is very likely to stem from the 2 stuff I mentioned...

2 June 2018
I was given a free ticket back to the careers expo on Saturday and I know that Jamon is running a seminar that day... and I have arranged a tutoring session at parramatta for maths that day too (in the mornings)... so I have a 3 hours session (over $80 spent) at parramatta library and once done I went to the seminar straight away (by then Jamon probably started it, as soon as I arrived)... since I do not know where the seminar is held, I went to the AN bench (and I saw Susie and Isaac again lol).... I asked them where the seminar is located (unfortunately they too have no idea)... and Susie happened to look for where Jamon is so I tag along with her for a bit (and after 10 minutes or so I am finally there haha... So the session did run for quite a bit (not gonna bother to tell what happened there)... Once done I asked Jamon how to approach some of the 'extension questions' of 3U cambridge and he told me that there is no pamphlet to follow for those type and I just have to know and some I have to use logic (which I am lacking in unfortunately- yep being self critical).... Then also mention to him how HSC have become a meat grinder to me (since he mention that I rely on others a lot in the HSC- but to me I believe it is all free for all, kill each other off for the first spot until all of the internal assessments are done), and he told me to NOT look at it that way and that I will not be happy that way.. and I should enjoy yr 12 (clearly I am not atm)... and the rest just goes on like usual...

Overall
Yep getting bad half yearlies sucks, however not being able to recover is far worse I suppose? It took me over 6 weeks to recover from it and now I have assessments coming (oh great)... Giving up will exacerbate the situation for sure and being anxious is definitely not helping (something I genuinely struggle with)...  Now I do have a plan of attack and I know I am in a similar situation as the half yearlies yet again (lost 6 weeks to almost nothing as I cannot remember what I've learned and the majority of time is lost cursing myself and my fate at times or daydream about the version of myself I wish I could be- super genious, state rank over 15 units worth of subjects and have super high reputation and people telling me 'are you human/are you god' etc)... I guess I have to use this 2 weeks to work around things somehow.... and trials is approaching (and the MAJORITY of content covered I am still weak at)... will I make it? I guess I'll have to see for myself... please no more stress Clovvy, OK??

[clovvy]

I can say that I have been able to kick myself back to gear a lot better... Today I requested my teacher my half yearly paper and my 1st assessment paper for physics.. This time I am able to not look at the paper with severe disappointment like I did when I first get it and what happened pretty much up to this week... Now I have assessments coming and I just almost recovered (barely I should say)..... I already know very well the severe consequence of anxiety and turning HSC into a meat grinder (well apart from my own illusion no one really hated me, it seems that I just avoid people a lot)... Now here is my plan of attack (I will make bloody sure I am not approaching my assessments the same way as my half yearlies.. Therefore props to anyone (Jamon, Opengangs and the list goes on) who are able to recover from bad marks into motivation, it is bloody hard for sure...)

Here is what I will do:
1. Set a number of task to be done on specific time- my past mistake was the failure to focus on one thing at a time... even if I didn't finish at least I tried and I wasn't sitting down staring at papers for hours and not do anything out of anxiety
2. I tend to be impulsive, I in fact tried to surpress it to zero and it didn't work as I end up stressing more... so I will introduce a reward system the second time.... More work done, the more happy I get and learn not to get too upset when I failed to meet the criteria I set up (that happened in the summer holiday which break me eventually leading to half yearlies)
3. Get some bloody sleep, don't worry about not getting enough done if I did not have enough sleep....
4. I will do something called 'controlled procrastination'- it is just impossible for someone like me to not procrastinate so I will time it throughout the day
5. Just chill the fuck out, I cannot work properly if I am always tense
6. Focus on understanding contents rather than marks (as what most have told me)... I was told that someone getting higher results doesn't mean they understand stuff better than those with lower results (because that person who stuffed up probably pick up their game, learn their mistakes and remembered them). If I think about it a good example will be Opengangs- he may get lower results in English over someone scraping a band 6, but he is more capable of teaching others the contents..... His ATAR may not be something I wanted, but having had him mark my essay and chat with him here and there (a long time ago)- I do respect him deeply
7. Focus on my upcoming assessments entirely, ignore trials for now... I cannot deal with multiple things at the same time... When time permits I will get back to my half yearly papers and fix up everything that I screw up... If I DO NOT understand anything I will pop it up in the forums or get my teacher to help me[/b]

There are also some slight modification of my activities:
1. Before I always lock myself in a room in the library during my frees to study, however I always tense up... It really sucks when procrastinating merely distract you from priorities but did not help you relax... so now I play games with my friends during my free and study at home instead with a less tense vibe (wrecking my schoolmates in half-life and counter strike 1.6 or Source feels great- yep we use the local server at the library so some may be able to relate)
2. Ignoring ranks in the meantime... My desires were selfish to begin with so just work my ass off and ignore the progress of others.... If everyone do well it will help me out anyway... (ideally I want myself to get the top marks)

I will update my progress here.... I am not going to post anything stress-related anymore... IT IS DONE!!!!... Whether I fulfill my schedule or not, as long as I progress I should be fine

[clovvy]

Quick update,
I barely made it, I was able to get over it at last and today was the first time I work without any feeling of anxiety..... I know that I lost over 6 weeks but now just work at my own paste and ignore marks for now....

So today I am working through Binomial theorem from the fitzy book, and in all honesty I do not find this topic too difficult at all.... Like I remember how a lot of people are telling me that it is the hardest or one of the hardest topic in 3U... I find it easier than a couple of topics lol.... I mean just pummelling through a couple of tricky questions and theory behind all this nonsense (with assistance of my tutor) feels amazing.....

And I am slowly learning LaTEX as well and I find it quite satisfying if the code went successful, one day I will be able to type those like Rui or Jamon haha....



I guess I am able to start typing up my own questions when photo files are too big haha..... Well once I don't feel any anxiety learning this stuff is not too hard

[clovvy]

Due to me self-harming after getting the half-yearly reports, my sister have to remove all the knives she could find at home and my parents have discussions over my anxiety.... As a result my parents suggested that I leave Australia and go overseas for about a month to refresh properly from the HSC.. My 3U exam is meant to be today but my sister have to go somewhere else so she was concerned about me self-harming while no one is around after the exam... The deputy principle was notified so I do not sit the exam today and I have to sit for it another time.... Problem with next week is that I will end up with 4 exams.. but since someone will be home then the risk of self-harm may be minimised...

My english teacher noticed that I am showing abnormal behaviours in class and she seemed concerned so after the lesson finished, she decided to talk to me regarding the issue... she told me that I knew the content well and perhaps better than everyone in class as she saw my work but I simply cannot put it on paper on the day ( and there is a lot of discussions regarding anxiety and perfectionism)... She told me that putting my expectations super high could be the cause of severe anxiety and failure to actually do the work ( as I end up feeling overwhelmed over the amount of workload needed to be done)...  A lot of things have happened for sure... I mean just imagine wanting to drop out, considering to withdraw etc... This is a lot for sure...

Afterschool, I went to see my GP over my blocked nose, and he also asked me about how things are going for me in yr 12 (he was making sure that I am ok and have some form of support network since he was aware of my anxiety too)...

[clovvy]

Quick update:
I was able to recover from my half-yearly failures and recent screw ups a lot quicker now...  As a result I was able to think more clearly then before...  Now I was able to actually plan and use my logics more, as well as making better judgements (I realised how clouded my judgements are when I was in the cycle)..

Today I tried exercising and noticed that my stamina have drastically reduced and that I am lacking energy...  And when I weigh myself, I was very close to 100kg (I am about 1.83m)....  Which means the impact was detrimental to my physical health...  It is understandable since my eating pattern was very irregular (from not eating to indulging anything on sight till I am very full,- like finishing off a $22 HSP at once at Metro one or eating $15 HSP with 2 pides, or eating 2 bowls of food at once, consuming over 500g of meat in a day- the list goes on)... I noticed that when I get stressed I barely move around which explains why...

Overall, all I am doing right now is ignoring the past and do what I can for the day.. 

[clovvy]

Due to my visa not being extended just yet (since the process can take weeks), I was unable to take any action of leaving the country and recover there...... That is until I get my visa extended..... If next week I receive no news, then I will definitely come to the AN lectures.... Though I won't have any friends coming with me (coz I don't really have one)... It would be weird to kinda come up to someone I knew from the forums so I am not sure how to act lol...

That aside, I did end up ordering tickets for the lectures anyway.... If I did end up not going I will cancel them and notify members to make sure someone had the chance to go

[clovvy]

Physics practical assessment weigh 30% and I just flunked one of the pracs.... with this I am further and further away from the person coming first which is tremendously frustrating...... and I did my 3U exam, and I forgot to watch for time T_T...... with all that devastation I overheard the conversation about the physics results and how everyone else won't come close to the person coming first and second because of that prac task... I truly hated this...... Not able to take any further and control my anger I left the school after reccess..... my chem teacher noticed that I am absent and it is not usual for me to be absent like that..... The school end up calling my sister (since she is acting as a guardian in the meantime since my parents are overseas) due to safety concerns.... I got a mate calling me to make sure I will be ok and that I won't do anything to harm myself....

As time goes I am beginning to hate physics, particularly HSC physics... I truly regret dropping modern history now since I drop it out of anger of not being able to do extension history (that was a very stupid decision)..... This subject is difficult to understand and I am not even doing as well as I hoped..... At times I just want to quit already since the band 6 is drifting even further away from me (that goes to all of my other subjects too since half-yearlies)..... At the end HSC is just resentment, anger, regret, suffering, and disappointments....... If the mark difference between me and the top guys are huge (currently 30 marks different) , even if I did really well I will be scaled down by my cohort and they will get all the fortune.. I don't want that...  If I were to treat this year as a practice year and actually get serious with HSC next year then I could potentially waste 1 whole year...... man I am just not ready to get hit with any more terrible results... this is too much to bear....

[clovvy]

Got my 3U result back, 14/30...... It was utterly devastating and it is probably the first I cried like ever... since it is currently my strongest subject........
I don't even want to see my physics paper again from task 3 and I have a 4U exam tomorrow.... I doubt I will survive well this year..... I am weak after all.. 
I am not strong like Jamon, he was able to come back quickly after barely passing 3U, me on the other hand failed 3U after disappointment with half-yearlies overall...... Trials worth 40% for maths and 30% for english and sciences.... that band 6 is drifting further away from me.... My mindset isn't good..

Can I make it this year??

[jamonwindeyer]

Can I make it this year??

Yes you can! hang in there!! It's never too late to turn things around and improve your results, but you won't do that approaching it negatively. Stay positive!