Please check sonnet? (Year 10 English)

[geminii]

Hi everyone 

Sorry, I am unable to delete this topic but I have already submitted my poem.
Thanks for the help

[heids]

Thou art the Princess of noble Feysville
And one day he’ll become the Kingdom’s Sire.
Your love and his, I had bid but goodwill
But my love for you burns brighter than fire.

O Maude, thine beauty cuts sharp like a knife
Thou hath tresses more exquisite than gold.
He gave you his heart but I’ll give you life
To save none but you, I’d give up my soul.

O Maude, an angel on earth I have found
Thou hath more beauty than stars in the sky.
Thine angelic love leaves me e’er spellbound
Why then, would you give your love to a lie?

The Prince of noble Feysville he may be
But, O Maude, darling, give your love to me.

DISCLAIMER: I know nothing.

- length good
- rhyming good
- number of syllables good, but rhythm dodgyish
10 syllables isn't automatically correct; rhythm is about emphasis on syllables.  It doesn't always gel right given that we place emphasis on different syllables, given the word and flow of the sentence.  Can't 100% help you out though because I don't get the rhythm of 10-syllable poetry that well, it always sounds slightly off to me.
An example: 'princess'.  The emphasis in normal English is PRIN-cess, and FEYS-ville.  Try to say that a few different ways, in rhythm, and see if you can get that first line to work.  I can't, without twisting it a bit, and then it doesn't quite fit with the next line (you simply can't put emphasis on 'the', for example)... maybe I've just missed the way that 'clicks', however, so no guarantees!
- spelling/grammar good, except:
'thine beauty' should be 'thy beauty'
'thou hath' should be 'thou hast'
'thine angelic love' should be 'thy angelic love' ('thine' essentially equals 'yours', 'thy' equals 'your')
And I didn't get this line:
Your love and his, I had bid but goodwill

My perception of storyline: Sounds pretty much like she's married this prince bloke and the speaker of the sonnet is saying 'give up on him and come to me because you'll find I love you more than he does in reality, his love's a bit of a fake'.  Or something.

Not bad though, de-finitely not bad.  Catch me writing sonnets. (have you seen the one in Lauren's sig? lol)

[geminii]

DISCLAIMER: I know nothing.

- length good
- rhyming good
- number of syllables good, but rhythm dodgyish
10 syllables isn't automatically correct; rhythm is about emphasis on syllables.  It doesn't always gel right given that we place emphasis on different syllables, given the word and flow of the sentence.  Can't 100% help you out though because I don't get the rhythm of 10-syllable poetry that well, it always sounds slightly off to me.
An example: 'princess'.  The emphasis in normal English is PRIN-cess, and FEYS-ville.  Try to say that a few different ways, in rhythm, and see if you can get that first line to work.  I can't, without twisting it a bit, and then it doesn't quite fit with the next line (you simply can't put emphasis on 'the', for example)... maybe I've just missed the way that 'clicks', however, so no guarantees!
- spelling/grammar good, except:
'thine beauty' should be 'thy beauty'
'thou hath' should be 'thou hast'
'thine angelic love' should be 'thy angelic love' ('thine' essentially equals 'yours', 'thy' equals 'your')
And I didn't get this line:
Your love and his, I had bid but goodwill

My perception of storyline: Sounds pretty much like she's married this prince bloke and the speaker of the sonnet is saying 'give up on him and come to me because you'll find I love you more than he does in reality, his love's a bit of a fake'.  Or something.

Not bad though, de-finitely not bad.  Catch me writing sonnets. (have you seen the one in Lauren's sig? lol)

Thanks so much! Yeah you pretty much got the plot
Basically the line: Your love and his, I had bid but goodwill means that the guy had told her and the prince guy that it was ok they were getting married. Like, I had bid you goodwill for his and her love. If that makes sense? Do you think there's a better way to say that?

Yes I could tell the rhythm was a bit off. Do you think there's anything I could change to improve it? I thought maybe changing some words but I just can't seem to get it to 'click'...

Thanks again